Mongrels OST Lyrics

http://tobias.kemonoart.org/Mongrels%20OST%20Lyrics.txt

S1E1 - Fuck Chickens!

*Complete*

Vince: Hold on. I smell chicken. And you know what I think about chickens,
don't'cha!?

-Song Begins-

Vince: They're not from this country, they spread them disease!
They look the same and always all wiggle their heads when they speak.
They lay loads of eggs to get free accommodation.
F*** all the chickens, them the scourge of the nation!

F*** chickens! F*** 'em back where they belong!

F*** chickens! F*** 'em all the way to Hong Kong!

Oh, you get loads and loads all living under one roof.
They're no good at flying people, know the truth.
Channel 4 make documentaries with them all the time,
But no one cares about the plight, of the vulpine!

F*** chickens! F*** 'em back where they belong!

F*** chickens! F*** 'em all the way to Hong Kong!

All together now!!

F*** chickens! F*** 'em back where they belong!

F*** chickens! F*** 'em all the way to Hong Kong!
F*** chickens! F*** 'em back where they belong!
F*** chickens!

To actually f*** a chicken would be wrong.

-Song Ends-

S1E2 - What Kind of God?

*2-(?) 1-???*

Dino: God loves us all, Kali. Even pigeons.

Kali: God don't exist. And I happen to know that for a fact. Follow me!
Kali: Tell me Deen...

-Song Begins-

Kali: What kind of god...?

Chorus: What kind of god?!
Kali: What kind of god...?
Chorus: What kind of god?!

Kali: What god allows a child of 13 to sleep on the street?

Chorus: Out on the street!
Kali: So when I use the cash machine, he's right there by my feet!
Chorus: Right by her feet!
Kali: It's so awkward I have to pretend I've skinned a man(?).
Chorus: What kind of god?!
Kali: What kind of god...?
Chorus: What kind of god?!

Kali: What kind of god allows that hard see-through plastic packaging on for
instance printer cartridges and children's toys?
Chorus: Oh man!
Kali: That means you have to get out the scissors but then when you cut it you end
up cutting yourself on the sharp edges.
Chorus: Hallelujah!

Kali: What kind of god...?

God: This kind of god!
Kali: Oh god, it's god!
Chorus: That kind of god!

Kali: Okay man, what's with all the call centers?

God: They provide a service!
Kali: Even those ones based abroad?
God: It's true, the Indian ones are abhorred.
Kali: I'm not being racist but it makes no sense having a Rayleigh(?) fire alarm
that's not based locally!

Chorus: What kind of god?!

Kali: What kind of god...?
Chorus: What kind of god?!

Kali: Junk mail in newspapers?

God: Come on, be fair.
Kali: Motorcyclists that weave in traffic?
God: Yes, you've got a point there.
Kali: Who brings toddlers to weddings?
God: I shall smite them!
Kali: Wasps?
God: Oh! Why did I create them?

Kali: People who read over your shoulder.

God: Ex-smoker's advice.
Kali: Overly ?????y Australian ????
Kali and God: And Katie Price.

Chorus: What kind of god?!

Kali: It is not my kind of god!

-Song Ends-

S1E3 - What a Difference a Day Makes

*Complete*

Marion: The important thing is, we cannot be together. Even though it seem crazy.

-Song Begins-

Marion: The laws says today, I can't be with you.

Lollipop: But tomorrow we can do whatever we want to do.
Marion: I can love you.
Lollipop: Oh yes!
Marion: And you can love me.
Marion and Lollipop: Thanks to the Sexual Offenses Act 2003

Lollipop: One day, you're a pedo.

Marion: And you're my jailbait.
Lollipop: Next day, you're my sweetheart.
Marion: And it's suddenly legal to mate!

Marion and Lollipop: What a difference a day makes.

Just can't wait till the dawn breaks!
Marion: Right now you can't handle the love of a man.
Lollipop: But from tomorrow you can give it me as hard as you can.

Marion: One day, I'm a pervert.

Lollipop: And I've still got my virginity.
Marion and Lollipop: But in fifteen hours, it's a legal technicality!
Lollipop: (Actually, I'm not a virgin.)

Marion and Lollipop: What a difference a day makes.

Then we can legally fornicate.
I'd never dream of breaking the law today,
But tomorrow it's my right to do you every which way!

Marion and Lollipop: What a difference a day makes.

Lollipop: (Let's elope together! I can be your fiance.)
Marion: (Maybe not.)
Marion and Lollipop: What a difference a day makes...

-Song Ends-

S1E4 - Everybody Loves a Lesbian

*2-(?) 2-???*

Cassandra: I think you'd make a really excellent lesbian.

Kali: Oh. Right, well cheers.
Cassandra: And think of the benefits. For one, you'd make a lot of new friends!

-Song Begins-

Cassandra: If you're uncomfortable with coming out,

Just listen to what I says-bian.
Whenever anyone thinks of gays,
Everyone loves a lesbian!

Cassandra: Everybody loves a lesbian, honey.

Norton's passe, Ellen's funny.
Let those baptists think what they like,
There's nothin', no nothin' quite like a dyke!

Cassandra: It's so wrong when you see boys kissin',

But girl on girl, see what you're missin'.
Lindsay Lohan never stopped traffic,
'Till she rode Sam Ronson and came out sapphic!

Cassandra and Chorus: Everybody loves a lesbian, baby!

Cassandra: ????? ??????, ??????? maybe.
Camp is cliche, less is half class(?).
You'll never find us cottaging for ?????? Hill's ass.
Cassandra: So what if our haircuts make us all look the same?
At least we don't give the Catholic Church a bad name.
Though a gay looks great in a girly frock,
Our ladies look lovely in a strap-on cock!

Cassandra and Chorus: Everybody loves a lesbian, baby!

Cassandra: Muff divin', rough drivin', car fixin' lady!
Cassandra and Chorus: Come on out, join us in heaven!
Cassandra: We'll soon be eatin' brunch off ????? Clemens(?)!

Cassandra: Woo-hoo!

-Song Ends-

Kali: Hmmm. Could I be the butch one?

Cassandra: If you like.
Kali: Still no.

S1E5 - My Destiny
*Complete*

-Song Begins-

Nelson: I'll always remember when I first met my Destiny.

You caught my eye, then you stole all the rest of me!

Destiny: (You are such a geek-- *Yelp!*)

-Song Ends-

Nelson: It's this week's song!

Nelson: Bye then...

S1E6 - Breaking Up is Such a Faff

*Complete*

-Song Begins-

Nelson: I can't bring myself to leave her.

Breaking up would be unpleasant.
'Cause it's almost her birthday,
And some people might say,
I only did it to avoid buying a present.

I don't want her friends to hate us,

And I've only just changed my Facebook status.
Screw it! Let's just stay together!

Breaking up is such a faff.

I can't stand awkward goodbyes.
Breaking up is such a faff.
I'll just sweat it out until she dies.

I can't bring myself to dump her,

Though she really gets on my tits,
'Cause we booked a trip to Giza,
I put it on my Visa,
If we cancel I'll lose all my deposit!

It's easier to stay the same,

Than to file a travel insurance claim.
Screw it! Let's just stay together!

Breaking up is such a faff.

I'm too much of an emotional coward!
Breaking up is such a faff.
Besides we just picked out a power shower.

And answer me this please,

What about all our DVDs?
'Cause baby I can't stand it if we have to fight,
Over who owns that copy of "The Dark Knight"!

(Oh look, two copies of Dodgeball. Bonus.)

Breaking up is such a faff.

I just wish that I was dead.
Breaking up is such a faff.
If I act boring maybe she'll leave instead.

(Then again you hear lots of interesting stuff

about tax breaks for married people,
which obviously is worth taking advantage of.)

(Then supposedly there's health benefits to

being in a long term relationship.)

(Plus there's a lot to be said for regular,

dependable sex. Even if it is with someone
you find physically repellent.)

-Song Ends-

S1E7 - Middleclass is Magical

*2-???*

Cat: If Nelson says reading's cool, reading must be cool, right?

Hedgehog: You're right! Teach us to read, Nelson.
Rabbit: Please Nelson.

Nelson: I'll do better than that. I'll teach you how to read.
How to play chess. How to write poetry. How to keep bees.
And how to watch Formula One Racing. Know why? Because...

-Song Begins-

Nelson: Middle class is magical.

A safe world free from strife.
Let bad things happen to other folk,
While you read Country Life.

Buy an ????, wear a Monsoon dress.

Get your food from M & S.
Own an iPhone, watch Bear Grylls.
Take anti-depressant pills.
Middle class is magical.
Drive a four by four to school!
Keep three sorts of hummus in your fridge.
Make over your downstairs loo.

Learn to salsa, ski in Verbier.

Drink too much Chilean Chardonnay.
Ignore the homeless, don't mind burglars.
Condescend to migrant workers.

When all the world is middle class,

There'll be no poverty or starvation.
'Cause we'll all grow our own ????,
And Myleene Klass will rule the nation!

Because!

Middle class is magical!

Join us and you'll see.
You're already halfway there,
'Cause you're not watching ITV!

Yes, middle class is magical,

What matters is what we wear!
Let's pay someone else to do the difficult jobs,
While we work on our hair!

Middle class is magical, yeah!

-Song Ends-

S1E7 - Don't Go Breaking My Heart (Bonus 'song')

*Complete*

Destiny: Um. Think I might be a tiny bit in love with you.

Destiny: Vincent, just promise me one thing...

-Song Begins-

Destiny: Don't go breaking my heart!

Vince: ...........

Destiny: Oh, honey! If I get restless!

Vince: ...........

Destiny: So don't go breaking my heart!

Vince: ...........

Destiny: (Now kiss me, you brain dead fool!)

-Song Ends... Pretty Much-

S1E8 - Beautiful
*1-???*

Yvonne: I'll be modelling with you today.

Destiny: Oh, wow! *laughs* No, good for you. Seriously. It'll be nice to see some
plus size girls out there. And after all...

-Song Begins-

Destiny: If there's one thing I know,

Thanks to ?????'s TV show,
It's that ugly women are attractive.

Destiny: They're just as good as me,

Though lacking genetically,
With a thyroid gland that's clearly overactive.

Chorus: Ugly women are beautiful too!

Destiny: They're always sweet and trusting,
Even though they look disgusting!

Chorus: Ugly women are beautiful too!

Destiny: Don't mean no disrespect,
When I say you look like Shrek.

Chorus: Ugly women are...

Destiny: Beautiful too.

Destiny: Forget exfoliation,

That won't hide you deformation, girl.
The only way to shoot you,
Is with a whaling gun!

Destiny: But who cares who's the fatest,

'Cause it's what's inside that matters,
And whatever the hell that is, girl,
You must have bleedin' tons!

Chorus: Ugly women are beautiful too!

Destiny: I'm sexy, cute, and savvy,
You're why cousins shouldn't marry.

Chorus: Ugly women are beautiful too!

Destiny: I look like Cheryl Cole,
You're an ad for birth control.

Chorus: Ugly women are...

Destiny: Beautiful too.
Chorus: Ugly big fat women...
Destiny: Just like you!

Destiny: (Don't touch me.)

-Song Ends-

Yvonne: *sobbing*

S2E1 - Just a Little Tap on the Nose

*1-???*

Destiny: And, if you wanna know how to get any guy you want... I can tell ya.
Kate Thornton's Dog: Serious?
Destiny: Uh huh!

-Song Begins-

Destiny: Listen to my pearls of wisdom girls,

If you wanna get a man and keep him.
When he doesn't show compliance, just apply a bit of violence.
If he's bad, then he gets a beating.

There's no point complainin',

It's just doggie trainin'.
He's gotta learn discipline,
Or I'll put the boot in!

If he's going yap yap yap,

Just give him a little tap.
Can't bite back like that,
And not expect a little tap,
Just a little tap on the nose.

Chorus: Just a little tap, just a little tap!

Destiny: When I raise my hand,

It's 'cause it's all they understand.
Men like a bit of tough lovin'.
RSPCA don't care,
If he falls down the stairs,
Long as nobody witnessed the shovin'.

It's not my fault,

He's gotta be taught.
And it's not assault,
If you don't get caught!

If he's barking like that,

Just give him a little tap.
Can't act like a twat,
And not expect a little tap,
Just a little tap on the nose.

Chorus: Just a little tap, just a little tap!

Destiny: There's every excuse,

For domestic abuse.
Just always choose,
Where you hide the bruise.

If he's ???????,
Just give him a little tap.
Grab your baseball bat,
And he'll expect a little tap,
Just a little tap on the nose.

Chorus: Just a little tap, just a little tap!

Just a little tap on the nose.

-Song Ends-
S2E2 - Die Evil Zombies!
*2-(?)*

Note: This song is a Time Warp parody. Less obvious is that ol' Riff Raff here
(Zombie Dog in the credits) is voiced by Richard O'Brien, who also sang part of
Time Warp.

-Song Begins-

Riff Raff: *Howls*

Oh, why am I here in this pub garden?
One sniff of her, and I've lost control.
I'm not the bad guy, I am the victim.
Intoxicated by her pheromones.

Riff Raff: Why does she make me act like a zombie?

I don't even like her, and I never have.
Oh what a cliche, besieging a building.
And all for some sex with a pedigree chaff.

Mongrels: Die evil zombies!!

Riff Raff: But I'm not a zombie, I'm quite clearly alive!
Mongrels: Die evil zombies!!
Riff Raff: I'm just a romantic with a monster sex drive.
Who just wants your love but who'd like to survive!

Riff Raff: Now they've killed Derick. He was my best friend!

They used his own arm to beat him to death.
A father of two, and a charity worker.
He said he loved you with his dying breath.

Mongrels: Die evil zombies!!

Riff Raff: You say that I'm evil, you're the one hitting me.
Mongrels: Die evil zombies!!
Riff Raff: Take my hand, feel my pulse, and I wish you to grieve(?).
There's a place in your heart for a camp(?) amputee!

Other Zombie Dogs: Come on everybody, let's do the zombie!

Adopt a vacant look and lift up your paws.
Riff Raff: Now you're reinforcing the stereotype,
This dancing idea is fundamentally flawed.

Mongrels: Die evil zombies!!

Riff Raff: In hindsight our relationship was doomed from the start.
Mongrels: Die evil zombies!!
Riff Raff: I don't want your brains, I just wanted your heart.
But love has quite literally TORN ME APART!

-Song Ends-

S2E3 - Immigration Rag

*1-???*

Nelson: Well don't apologize. Crikey! After all...

-Song Begins-

Nelson: This is the Immigration Nation,

We actively encourage mass migration.
Tear up your application form,
Let the border crossing swarm,
And here's how to dodge the legislation.

Apply online for a student visa,

Or get smuggled in, whichever's easier.
Then you find a small bed, sit, and
Get benefits, benefits, benefits.

If you're fearing prosecution,

Just claim homeland persecution.
Everybody's doing it.
Take the law and screw with it.
Come and join the Immigration Nation!

Now it's time for you to bring,

Your bed-ridden family in.
Get them all a fixed address, and
NHS, NHS, NHS.

Soon as you are legal aliens,

You are better than Australians,
They do it by the rules,
What a bunch of tools!
Come and join the Immigration Nation!

Shilly-app-a-doo-wa,
Scooby-app-a-doo-wa,
Boom bop a-doo wa!

So let's keep the culture vibrant,

With hoards of economic migrants,
Who sweep the streets and cut inflation,
'Cause we won't do jobs below our station.

Did your social worker mention?

You're entitled to a pension.
Please exploit the welfare state.
Now it's our turn to migrate!

The BNP makes it political.

The Daily Mail are hypocritical.
Watch them when they get the chance,
They'll retire to the South of France!

So let's all claim an occupation.

Let's all toy with deportation.
Ooh, is that a new Playstation?
Brought to ???????? location.
Come and join...

The Immigration Nation! Yeah!

-Song Ends-

S2E4 - Vince is a Massive Cunt

*Complete*
Vince: I, Vincent Fox, am a c***.
Crowd: *gasp!*

-Song Begins-

Vince: From Millwall to the Aberdour, there's one thing plain to see.
In this entire barren is no bastard bad as me.

Vince: I guess it ain't a huge surprise that I have got no friends.

Nelson: Well it was you that had your stag do ethnically cleansed.

Vince: Oh, when I was a little cub, my grandma said to me:

Grandma: Please son, put the gun down! You can have all my money.

Vince: Silly cad, she kept her savings underneath the bed!
So I nicked her f***ing pension book and shot her in the head.

Chorus: He robbed me. Knifed me. Shot me. He poured acid down my front!
He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt.
He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt.
I think that we all agree his is a massive--
Nelson: Um-diddle um-diddle um-diddle aye, um-diddle um-diddle umm.
Um-diddle um-diddle um-diddle aye, um-diddle um-diddle umm.

Vince: You gotta give me credit, though, for keeping our streets clean.
I'm on the Atkins diet, so I'm eating tramps and queens.
Nelson: Why don't you join the BNP, I think you'll fit in fine.
Vince: You must be f***ing joking. I know where to draw the line!

Chorus: He robbed me. Knifed me. Shot me. He poured acid down my front!
He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt.
He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt.
I think that we all agree his is a massive--
Nelson: Ah-diddle um-diddle um-diddle aye, um-diddle um-diddle umm.

Vince: Remember when we first met on that night out in the park?
Penny: You were so romantic I just felt an instant spark.
Vince: If I'm being honest, that spark was a taser gun.
I knocked you unconscious, then I had my bit of fun!

Chorus: He robbed me. Knifed me. Shot me. He poured acid down my front! (Hey!)
He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt. (Woohoo!)
He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt. (Hey!)
I think that we all agree his is a massive-- (Ohhhhhh!)

Chorus: He robbed me. Knifed me. Shot me. He poured acid down my front! (Woohoo!)
He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt. (Yahoo!)
Nelson: He anally invaded me as a publicity stunt!
All: I think that we all agree his is a massive c*************t!

Vince: (I'm a c***.)

-Song Ends-

S2E5 - I'm Gonna Murder Justin Bieber

*Complete*
Monkey: I've got a little musical number that I think might just fit the bill...

-Song Begins-

Monkey: What was wrong with the good old days?

Why does everything have to change?
I much preferred the way things were before.

When Britain really had got talent.

Justin frigging Bieber hadn't,
Brought his insipid music to our shore.

Could you even name one of his songs,

The self-important little diva.
Gonna take a pickaxe to his pretty face.
I'm gonna murder Justin Bieber.

It's easy to sing in perfect time,

When all you ever do is mime.
Thanks for destroying music Simon Cowell.

Every pop star looks like each other.

Is that Zac Efron or a Jonas Brother?
Either way they should be disemboweled.

I'm gonna kidnap all the kids from Glee, (Kids from Glee!)
And shatter all their femurs.
But before he releases one more song,
I'm gonna murder Justin Bieber.

So I'm stickin' with my record stylus,

'Cause you can't buy vinyl Myley Cyrus.
That bitch deserves a flesh eating virus!

I'm gonna butcher Jonah Carey,

With a blunt meat cleaver!
And they'll autotune his final scream,
When I murder Justin Bieber.

I'm gonna murder Justin Bieber...

-Song Ends-

S2E6 - Smoking Makes You Look Cool

*Complete*

Marion: Ah, my boy. So much you have to learn...

-Song Begins-

Marion: (Uh huh, uh huh, yes.)

Since I wasn't around when you were a kitten.
Here's a father's advice, make sure you listen.
You got to go to university,
Do media studies, it's a useful degree.
Sniff loads of glue, the feeling's incredible.
And never use condoms, they make the sex terrible.
Chorus: Forget what they tell you at school.
Marion: (Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep.)
Chorus: Smoking makes you look cool.
Marion: (Uh huh, uh huh, light up.)

Marion: Keep your PIN number simple, like one-two-three-four.

I have mine tattooed on my paw.
If a Nigerian prince ever e-mails,
Send him your bank account details.
Instead of a job, play internet poker,
But never forget, you gots to be smoker.

Chorus: Forget what they tell you at school.

Marion: (Uh huh, uh huh, light up, yeah.)
Chorus: Smoking makes you look cool.
Marion: (Uh huh, uh huh, light up.)

Marion: Always accept lift from strangers,

Hitchhiking's free with very few dangers.
Send stuff to newspapers while you're hammered,
They published my cartoon of prophet Mohammed.

Chorus: Forget what they tell you at school.

Marion: Join new religion when you are pissed.
Chorus: Smoking makes you look cool.
Marion: This is why I am Scientologist.

Chorus: Forget what they tell you at school.

Marion: Sell a kidney if you are broke.
Chorus: Smoking makes you look cool.
Marion: But never sell a lung boy, 'cause you got to smoke.

-Song Ends-

S2E7 - No One's Been Stabbed Here Since Friday

*3-???*

Nelson: Now, I'll just need to take a small damage deposit and we can shake hands.
Mary: I don't know, sir. This area seems kind of rough.
Nelson: Rough? It's not rough. You see...

-Song Begins-

Nelson: Estate agents say Millwall is the ???? of the East end.
Canary Wharf's up-and-coming neighbor.
The house price ??????? have all gone up and bucked the trend,
And the amenities are improving every day.

Nelson: Besides, no one's been stabbed here since Friday.

There's not been a murder all day!
No one's been stabbed here since Friday.
And we've not been on Crime Watch since may.
Mary: (Yay!)

Nelson: There's a charming artist's quarter just behind those burnt out cars.
A Banksy everywhere you lay your eyes.
Mary: Is that a dead tramp lying there?
Nelson: Of course not this is art!
Should be nominated for the Turner Prize.

Nelson: And no one's been stabbed here since Friday.

No one's been strangled or maimed.
No one's been stabbed here since Friday.
And you'll just love our new needle exchange.
Mary: (??????)

Nelson: You probably won't get shot. Drive by shootings are rare.
Mary: But isn't that a drive by shooting over there?
Nelson: Did I mention we're often on The Secret Millionaire? Yeah-heah!

Nelson: No one's been stabbed here since Friday.

Arson is on the decline.
No one's been stabbed here since Friday.
And gang related deaths are so rare, it's a crime.
It's a crime.

Mary: (Where do I sign?)

-Song Ends-

S2E8 - Shit House Party

*Complete*

Kali: Anyways... We were all getting ready for Vince's party.

-Song Begins-

Nelson: Tonight's the night I'm gonna let my hair down. (Ooooh.)
Marion: Tonight's the night I'm gonna get my groove on. (Yeah.)
Nelson: Tonight's the night I'll spray my French Cologne on. (Ahhh.)
Kali: But now we really need to get a move on!

Mongrels: We're going to a shit house party.

Kali: We'll pretend that it's great when we're in it,
But really we'll hate every minute.

Mongrels: We're going to a shit house party.

Nelson: We might we glad we came along,
After four white lightnings and a jagerbomb. Yeah!!

Kali: I'll queue for seven hours for the toilet,

'Cause someone's having unprotected sex in the bath!
Marion: The girls will find out if they got their boobs out,
When they're tagged in the Facebook photographs!

Mongrels: We're going to a shit house party.

Kali: We'd obviously rather not go,
But we said that we'd be there so,

Mongrels: We're going to a shit house party.

Marion: I'll grope your baby sister,
In a game of naked Twister.

Mongrels: We're going to a shit house party, yeah.

-Song Ends-
S1E0 - Where my Balls at?
*Complete*

Note: This song is from the Pilot. It features an older Marion character.

-Song Begins-

Marion: Heeeey yeah-yay.

Reached down to touch you, can't believe there's nothing there.
When I run my fingers through your short and curly hair.
It's just the little things, those moments I can't face.
Bending down to lick you just to find an open space.

Those times we spent together, man they was intense.

'Member when I tried to jump over that barbed wire fence.
What about my sex life? What will I tell my bitches?
That chicas cut my nickers up and left me fifteen stitches?

Marion: I'm in pain. Gone insane, since they cut you babies up.
Kali: Or maybe it's just the anesthetic wearing off.

Chorus: He wants his balls back.

Marion: That's what I'm sayin'.
Chorus: He wants his balls back.
Marion: Back here and swayin'.
Chorus: He wants his balls back.
Marion: I really need them.
Chorus: Back in his sack.
Marion: Anybody seen them?

Marion: Used to be just us three, now I've lost my desire.

'Cause you're gone I'm alone, but I can sing two octaves higher.

Chorus: He wants his balls back.

Marion: Do you get me?
Chorus: He wants his balls back.
Marion: Why'd you let me?
Chorus: He wants his balls back.
Marion: Just want to scratch you.
Chorus: Back in his sack.
Marion: Wish they'd reattach you. Oh-woah yeah.

-Song Ends-