Dealing with Difficult (Toxic) People

PHILIPPINE MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION

12 December 2013
Maria Teresa Gustilo-Villasor,PhD
Clinical Psychology

1. Coverage
Relationships , Communication, Conflicts
What makes people difficult
Common Difficult Behaviors
Effects of Difficult People (DP) on You
Types of Difficult (Toxic) People (DP)
Effect of DP on you
What Can you Do? Strategies to deal with DP

2. Relationships
basic in human development
Source of comfort, affirmation, support, growth
Source of stress, unhappiness, psychological erosion
Underlying Power issues booster or erode ones integrity
When do not see things the same way- Difficulties Arise

3. What Makes People Difficult

Feel threatened
High levels of stress
Others reaction reinforce the behavior
Learned to use the behavior to get their way
Inflexibility

4. Common Difficult Behaviors
* gossip * sarcasm, snide jabs * fault finders * critical * discount ,
minimize * overdemanding * poke fun * never satisfied * jealous, envious
*quick to bill * whine, gripe, complain * needy, victim, dependent
*ITS ALL ABOUT THEM

5. Difficult (Toxic People)

STRESS CARRIERS ( EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES ) people that interact
with you in an uneven, erratic , heavy way with you-. (Bernstein,1999)
For a variety of reasons, you are caught in this toxic environment/
relationship
- your spouse/ children/ in laws
- your boss / officemates
feel you have no choice, yet feel responsible

6. TYPES OF DIFFICULT PEOPLE

A. Manny Mahangin (Narcissistic)
* sense of entitlement, its all about him/her, ignore give and take in
relationships, fine feathered friend, assumes things will go his/her way,
demanding/ insensitive
 Pinoy terms: Maka sarili, Mayabang, Garapal, Siga, Madamot,User friendly,

B. Dick Tador (Tanks)

Attacking, accusing, abusive, abrupt, Tantrum prone when frustrated/angry,
overwhelming, My way or the high way, Irritated or angry when sense
resistance
PINOY TERMS: Nakaka-sindak, Hitler, Dictador, Marshal Law

C. Ella Pakialamera (Sniper)

Teasing , innuendoes, indirect digs, runor monger, Hides behind social
constraints, out of concern, Witty, When exposed can become a tank
PINOY TERMS- Kung yari nag-mamalasakit, Chismosa, Plastic, Nakiki alam kahit
hindi dapat

D. Sergio Pintasero (Criticizer)

Nothing is good enough, fault finder, Suspcious, Put downs, points out flaws in
the guise of feedback, Makes you feel ashamed or guilty, Stingy with praise,
generous with criticism, crab mentality
Pinoy Terms: Mader Superior, Pintasero, Nag mamagaling

E. Ito Dapat (Controller)

Dogmatic, authoritative, rigid, Knows all, Tells you what is best for you , how to
live Lots of shoulds/ should nots, Takes self seriously, NSH, pikon, Makes others
feel weak, inadequate, trapped
Pinoy Terms: Comander, Bossing, OC-OC , consciencia

F. Sue Madrama (Theatrical)

needs to be center of attention, Charming , seductive, manipulation expert,
Boundaries inappropriate , Intense ,emotional roller coaster ride,.
Pinoy Terms: Emo, Drama Queen, Awarded

G. Ali Langan (Indecisive)

Pleaser, , put off decision as dont want to hurt anyone, May say yes to go along
with the crowd, but cannot deliver on commitment, Use humor to diffuse
situation
PINOY TERMS: Alanganin, nag dadalawang isip, patumpik tumpik, di maasahan,

H. Katy Kaawa awa (victim)

dependent, clingy, needy, May be in abusive relationship, helplessness as
manipulation, Doesnt learn from mistakes; bad luck-
Pinoy Terms: Api, Malas, Martyr, Matiisin, sobrang bait

7. Difficult Behaviors Persist Because

1) Reinforced - the more DP get away with behavior, the more will continue.
2) DP don't see that what they do is wrong.
3) DP get worse with age, behavior has stronger impact over time.

8. Effect of Difficult People on You

* drained, depleated, tired PHYSICAL
* Exasperated, angry, fearful EMOTIONAL
* Judged, oppressed, guilty MENTAL
* Distrust, Doubt values, beliefs, goals SPIRITUAL

9. What you can do

Look for patterns - triggers of difficult behavior
Develop new skills, including communication style
You do not have to like them, give them the courtesy
REMEMBER - YOU MAY BE A DIFFICULT PERSON TO SOMEONE ELSE

10. Basic Rules

YOU CANNOT CHANGE OTHERS
YOU CAN CONTROL YOURSELF
YOU CAN (TO SOME EXTENT) CONTROL THE SITUATION

11. HOW? YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR TOWARD DP BY:
CONSCIOUS, CHOICE, RESPONSIBILITY

12. CONSCIOUS
Identify the ways DP in your life can drain you, (hold you back, rob
you of your power, confidence and potential)
What in you makes your tolerate DP ( need for approval; love, duty,
obligation, what others may say )
REMEMBER :

WHEN YOU CHANGE -DP WILL TRY TO HOOK YOU BACK INTO THE
INTERACTION.
FIRM, CLEAR, SET BOUNDARIES
IF YOU ARE INCONSISTENT , LOSE YOUR POWER

13. CHOICE
Separate yourself mentally and emotionally from their toxic behavior:
I understand that the way others respond to me is about them, NOT
ABOUT ME.
Separate yourself mentally and emotionally from their toxic behavior:
I understand that the way others respond to me is about them, NOT
ABOUT ME.

14. RESPONSIBILITY: CONTROL MYSELF

Take a deep breath
Do not take it personally
Know your buttons DP can push or drain you,
Keep a SENSE OF HUMOR
Rudeness is not abusiveness

15. Responsibility : Control the Situation

CONTROL MYSELF
Take a deep breath
 Do not take it personally
Know your buttons DP can push or drain you,
Keep a SENSE OF HUMOR
Rudeness is not abusiveness

16. RESPONSIBILITY ; CONTROL THE OTHER

Remember when you change, it will be hard at first as DP with bully
you back into the relationship
BOUNDARY SETTING
Physically, Mentally , emotionally separate yourself from their
behavior:
Limit your interactions with them -avoid socializing

17. RESPONSIBILITY FOR CHOICE

Firmly, clearly and openly state your limits and boundaries to yourself
(like a mantra everyday)
When experiencing DPs tantrums and outbursts, imagine a five-year
old child
Determine if it is possible to end this relationship cut them off from
your life

18. GOOD FENCES MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS (ROBERT FROST)

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEYRE ELECTRIFIED

19. READINGS
Emotional Vampires - Bernstein
Difficult Personalities, A practical guide to Managing the hurtful
behaviors of others (or maybe your own) Mcgarth,& Edwards