Are You Calling Me Gay?

by

Rodney Ohebsion
JOEandTOM(40)areseatedatanemptybar.

TOM
Yeah.MeandJenny,Imean,when
wehangout,wejusthavesomuch
fun.Iwanttospendalldaywith
her.

JOE
Itsoundslikeyou'reinlove

TOM
Waitasecond.

HebreaksabottleandholdsituptoJoe'sthroat.

TOM(CONT'D)
Areyoucallingmegay?

JOE
No.Ijustsaidyou'reinlove

TOM
Exactly.You'recallingmegay.
Beinginloveisoneofthose
thingsthat'sforwomenorgays.

JOE
Well.Youknow.I'msayingthat
you'reinlovewithawoman.

TOM
Yeah.Inlove.That'sgay.Iain't
gay.

JOE
I'mnotsayingyou'regay,Tom.
You'reinlovewithawoman.

TOM
StopsayingI'minlove.Idon't
dothatwholeinlovething.I'm
straight.

JOE
Uh.Fine.Okay.You'renotin
love.Youjustlikebeingwith
Jenny.

TOM
Exactly.

Tomstartseatingasandwich.
 2.

TOM(CONT'D)
Mmm.Yummy.

JOE
Man.Youreallyseemtobe
enjoyingthasandwich

TOM
Waitasecond.Areyoucallingme
gay?

JOE
Uh.No.

TOM
ButyousaidthatI'menjoying
thissandwich.

JOE
Yeah.

TOM
That'ssomethinggaypeopledo.

JOE
Itis?

TOM
Itsoundsreallygay.I'mnotgay.
Idon'tenjoysandwiches,bro.I
justeatfood.That'sit.Youput
foodinfrontofme.Ieatit.
Don'tbemisconstruingthewhole
thingandreframingit,andmaking
itsoundlikeI'msomegaydude
whoenjoyssandwiches.

JOE
Fine.Okay.You'renotenjoying
thatsandwich.

TOM
Exaclty.AndwhatamIdoing?

JOE
You'reeatingfood.

TOM
Yeah.I'meatingfood.
Heterosexual.Idon'tfallinlove
withwomen,andIdon'tenjoy
sandwiches.That'showIroll.

TomstartstypingonhisiPhone
 3.

TOM(CONT'D)
Therewego.Yeah.That'sagood
one.....That'sanothergood.

JOE
Uh.Whatareyoudoing?

TOM
I'mjustcomposingalistofmenI
findattractive.

JOE
Whatdoyoumean?

TOM
Youknow.I'mjustlistingallthe
menwhoIwanttohavesexwith.

JOE
Um.Areyougay?

TOM
Waitasecond.Areyoucallingme
gay?

JOE
Uh.Well.Sortof.

TOM
Dude.It'slikeItoldyou.I
don'tfallinlovewithwomen,and
Idon'tenjoysandwiches.

JOE
Butyoucomposelistsofmenyou
wanttohavehomosexual
intercoursewith?

TOM
Yeah.And?

JOE
Andsomepeoplemight,youknow.
Theymightperceivethatasgay.

TOM
Perceive?

JOE
Yeah.

TOM
Well.it'sprobablybecause
they'regay.
(MORE)
 4.

TOM(CONT'D)
Imean,perceivingthingsisgay.
I'mnotgay.Idon'tperceive
thingslikesomegaylord.Ijust
dothings.

JOE
Doyoudomen?

TOM
Yeah.Idomen.AndIdoother
things.Idon'tperceive.That's
gay.

JOE
Uh.Youmightwanttolookupthe
definitionofgay.

TOM
Whatfor,man?

JOE
Justlookitup.

TomtypesonhisiPhoneandreads.

TOM
Oh.Isee.Homosexualintercourse.
Gay.Well.Youknow.Iguess
that'saprettyaccurate
description.So,yeah.I'mgay.
ButyoubetternotsayIenjoy
sandwiches.