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Christine Nguyen

Professor Rodrick

English 115

October 19, 2017

Influential Parents

As adaptors of society, we take in everything that is around us. How we talk, behave, and

act is purely based on what we see from other people acting in different situations. Our parents

are a main contributor to how we act today, observing them and their actions since we were

babies. When our relatives or family friends tell us, she acts just like her mother, or he takes

after his father, it indicates that we are reflections of our parents. Being around our parents can

often influence our personalities in ways that their values, ideals, and style of parenting can be

shown through our actions.

Our priorities can come from what our parents would find important. Sandra L. Hanson

and Emily Gilbert, authors of the journal article, Family, Gender, and Science Experiences: The

Perspective of Young Asian Americans, talk about the life of Asian Americans, and the

pressures they have to fit in social norms of Asia. The article also mentions the actions of a tiger

mom, a mom who controls their child by filling their schedules with academic activities, seems

to be a stereotype that has gone around in the Asian community. Tiger moms are controlling in

the sense that they want to do whats best for their children in the competitive society to get a

good STEM-based job such as a doctor, engineer, technician, etc. Although they believe what is

good for their child, their child might not feel the same. In the article, Hanson said, Some

question what this phenomenon will mean for the second or third generation Asian American

who may view their experience with a tiger mother as negative and psychologically damaging.
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Extreme parental pressures may, according to some, lead to psychological problems. (Hanson

331-332). Ideals that our parents follow, such as a tiger mom to her child, have a major impact

on what we find important. In this case, to keep up with the schedule their mom has made for her

child, the child would have to give up hobbies and interests they have, whether it is in the arts or

literature. In the same sense, those who are and arent victims of tiger moms all seem to have the

same feelings towards having to do well in math and science. According to Hanson,

Researchers have found that young Asian Americans are keenly aware of these stereotypes and

have difficulties living up to them. Many Asian Americans reject these stereotypes and find them

untrue and potentially damaging. (Hanson, 332). What our parents may find important to us can

become what we need to find as a priority. The stereotypes that are given to them that were

placed by parents wanting their child to do well in the STEM departments can give the child a lot

of pressure. Needing to live up to an expectation that our parents have given us can later give the

child the mentality that if they dont do well enough, theyre not good enough.

When the type of parenting where getting the best education is a top priority; helicopter

parentsparents that have an excessive interest in their childs life. How they treat their child

from a young age can affect how they will think and act in later years. In the video How to raise

successful kidswithout over-parenting, Julie Lythcott-Haims, speaker and former Dean of

Freshman at Stanford, talks about how a certain style of parenting that is commonly used

nowadays is getting in the way of leading their kid to a happy future. That is leading a

checklisted childhood. A checklisted childhood is kind of like having a tiger mom. That is

managing every academic activity their child is doing, which goes from getting them into the

right school, having the right grades, going into sports, doing activities, getting awards, etc. They

want their child to have the best-sounding academic life and the best-looking college application
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amongst their peers to get into the right college, the best college. According to Lythcott, our

kids, our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling,

nagging as the case may be, to be sure they're not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining

their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every

applicant. (00:02:27-00:02:52) She emphasizes that with a parents guide, their child is surely

going to get in a high-ranking college. The continuous actions from a checklisting parent will

lead the child to start having the mindset that everything is laid out for them since their parent is

already monitoring what their child is doing. The parents goal to get them into the best college

will start to become their childs goal, kind of drifting away what their kid would actually want

to do. Lythcott says as when their child gets older, And when they get into high school, they

dont say, Well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity? They go to

counselors and they say, What do I need to do to get into the right college? (00:04:03-

00:04:14) The childs life has been so focused on the destination that both child and parent forget

that the journey there is the main part. What the child wants to study and what they want to do

with their life has been put aside for their parent that just wants them to get into the right college.

It doesnt really seem like their life anymore. As in the quote, they get into high school and ask

their advisor what will help them get into the right college. Here, the advisor, telling the student

what they should do, what clubs they should take, what test scores they should have, they

basically act like a checklisting parent. Having that checklisted childhood, however, will have a

negative effect on the kid. Instead of what the child wants to do, their life turns into what the

parent wants to do. The child is also so used to having everything laid out for them that it just

seems better for them to follow it instead of making their own checklist and doing that they

actually want to do. A parent that also constantly watches over their kid, trying to prevent them
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from going the wrong path, making sure theyre always doing the right thing, an encounter that

might need some trial and error may damage them.

A childs attitude to their parents can show how they are being treated at home. Jared

Lessard, from the Department of Psychology and Social Behavior at The University of

California-Irvine, did a study on parental figures and how they influence their older adolescent

childs eating habits. The study was tested on two different factors, using persuasion such as

encouraging and informing their child about foods, and pressuring their child such as guilt-

tripping and ridiculing about their food choices. They also observed what the outcomes of each

tactic being used with behavioral responses between the parent and adolescent. Lessard

concluded that, For adolescents with low parental warmth and high levels of persuasion were

associated with more negative emotional and behavioral responses; persuasion had the opposite

associations with high parental warmth. when parents use more forceful pressure tactics to

influence eating habits, adolescents react negatively regardless of overall quality of the parent-

adolescent relationship.. (Lessard). Lessard tells us that the more encouraging and less harsh

you are toward your child, you are more likely to have a better relationship with them in the long

run. Parents showing affection to their child as well as avoiding pressure tactics can not only

have a lasting effect both parent and adolescent, but can also improve their mental health,

performance in school, and relationships with their peers. Persuading with less parental warmth

may seem like the parent is forcing their child to change rather than sounding like they want to

help them.

A childs negative behavior can come from a parents negative actions, a common one

being parents that yell at their child. In the video, Be there for your child, listen and never shout,

Pll lafsson, a father of five, a social worker, and an employee at the Governmental Agency of
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Child Protection in Iceland, compares the actions and consequences of children who have parents

that yell at them for their behavior, versus parents that are understanding to why their child acted

the way they did. lafsson, when speaking to children that have suicidal thoughts, who abuse

drugs, that dont want to go to school, they all had a common answer: they didnt have good

relations with those who are close to them. No one ever gave them a chance. He concluded that,

Dont ever use physical force. Dont scream, dont shout, dont preach over their heads, dont

point your fingers at them What will happen is that you get too close to the child, they try to

push you away.(00:02:48-00:03:15) lafsson states that parents should not yell at their children,

as they will not want to be close to them. This creates a separation between the parent and childs

relationship. The child will learn from their parents actions and reciprocate them back in the

future if there were to be a similar situation. They will also build a negative attitude and behavior

wherever they go, take for example the children that abused drugs, had suicidal thoughts, and

skipped school that was said earlier. On the other hand, lafsson has also said that children also

reciprocate their parents positive feelings. lafsson states, It has been confirmed that children

who are dealing with the most horrible situations in their life, at their homes, can be saved just by

someone who listens to them and talks to them. (00:13:20-00:13:32) In other words, he believes

that the child will feel better if there was someone for them, who can lend an ear and listen to

what they had to say, just someone who can be there for that moment and not let them feel

lonely. Saving a child can come from anyone that listens and talks to them, but in this case, its

the parents. If parents talk to them, listen to them, and are understanding to their child, their child

wont have a problem opening up to them. They might even have a closer relationship than

before.
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Elizabeth Gershoff, a psychologist and psychology professor at the University of Texas,

and Andrew Grogan-Kaylor, a professor of social work at the University of Michigan, questions

whether parents spanking their children to teach them discipline really does help childrens

behavior. Gershoff and Kaylor found that, The more children were spanked, the more

aggressive and antisocial they were. (Gershoff). Gershoff concludes her study with the

statement that spanking your child does more harm than good. Using violence not only widens

the gap between parent and child, but it can also traumatize them from wanting to get close to

anyone in fear that they might get hurt if they try to get close to them. Children who are spanked

are also more likely to show signs of even more destructive behavior later on because they are

taught that they can be disciplined using violence.

Children are a parents mirrors. Our identity is a reflection of not only our experiences

from outdoors with the rest of society, but also from inside the home, what we are taught to act

like, and what we experience from our parent growing up. Ones personality is influenced greatly

by their parents actions and all of their doings towards their child. Having a parent that cares too

much about school and grades may have their child to also want to excel in school and have good

grades. A parent that thinks to treat reckless behavior with violence will result in an even more

destructive behavior coming from their child. Having a parent that shows their child a lot of

warmth and affection may have their child to show the same attitude and have a positive outlook

on life.
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Works Cited

Gershoff, Elizabeth, and Andrew Grogan-Kaylor. The Evidence Shows that Spanking is Bad for

Kids. Opposing Viewpoints Online Collection, Gale, 2017. Opposing Viewpoints in

Context, doi:BZVQLN902019565/OVIC?u=csunorthridge&xid=1e87b921. Accessed 20

Oct. 2017.

Hanson, Sandra L., and Emily Gilbert. Family, Gender and Science Experiences: The

Perspective of Young Asian Americans. Race, Gender & Class. vol. 19, no. 3/4, 2012,

pp. 326347. JSTOR, JSTOR, doi:43497502. Accessed 20 Oct. 2017.

Lessard, J., Greenberger, E. & Chen, C. Adolescents Response to Parental Efforts to Influence

Eating Habits: When Parental Warmth Matters. Journal of Youth and Adolescence,

2010, doi:10.1007/s10964-008-9376-6. Accessed 20 Oct. 2017.

Lythcott-Haims, Julie. How to raise successful kids without over parenting. YouTube,

uploaded by TED, 4 October 2016, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyElHdaqkjo.

lafsson, Pll. Be there for your child, listen and never shout. YouTube, uploaded by TEDx

Talks, 18 June 2015, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcINPkVLv58.