Am I Introverted, or Just Rude?

- The New York Times 11/6/17, 6'15 PM

https://nyti.ms/2cZJJrB

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Am I Introverted, or Just Rude?

By KJ DELLANTONIA SEPT. 24, 2016
A good friend and colleague, a real extrovert, sent me a link to a shirt recently that
she knew Id appreciate. Sorry Im late, the T-shirt reads. I didnt want to be
here.

I laughed of course I laughed. Im as introverted as she is outgoing, and we

frequently play out our roles in tandem. At parties, she takes the lead; at meetings,
she does the talking. I get to nod and smile.

But the shirt also made me wince, because it perfectly encapsulated the
suspicion Ive started to develop that my introversion is an excuse for something
else. Im shy, yes. But am I also rude? In a contest between my manners and my
preferences, am I allowing my preferences to win?

A minority of introverts suffer from clinical social anxiety. Thats not true of
me. I find parties uncomfortable: I have trouble making small talk, and after Ive
been surrounded by people for too long, I need time alone.

But I can set aside my inclinations, and for much of my life, thats exactly what
I did. I came to the party. I made the small talk. And because I was raised in a
world where manners mattered, I did more. I introduced myself to strangers. I
approached the lone older family member at the wedding for a talk about the bride.
I was a good guest, and when necessary a good host. I did my mother proud.

Then came the introversion explosion, led by Susan Cains Quiet: The Power of

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Introverts in a World That Cant Stop Talking. Suddenly, a resistance to social

intercourse became, not just acceptable, but cool. The renowned psychologist Brian
Little copped to hiding in the bathroom in between public speeches, even pulling
his feet up so he wouldnt be noticed. Leaders from the military and Silicon Valley
declared their need to set aside time alone to renew and recharge.

In a probably inevitable extension of nerd culture, the Dale Carnegie image of

gregarious success was shattered by stories of powerful, successful people sitting
quietly in meetings and substituting controlled online interactions for draining real
world encounters.

If they could do it, why not me?

Around the same time as the publication of Quiet, in 2013, I turned 40, and
achieved a certain level of professional success. It seemed like permission not to try
quite so hard. At first, saying no to fund-raisers and coffees brought with it a
keen, almost illicit pleasure. What freedom! I started slipping out of meetings and
school assemblies at the first possible moment instead of staying to chat. On one
delicious occasion, I sat in my car and read a book while my children attended a
family-oriented athletic function.

It was all so easy to excuse. I wasnt neglecting my friends, avoiding my fellow

parents or letting my community engagements suffer. I was preserving my energy,
engaging in self-care, allowing my tortoise shell to protect my vulnerable,
precious self. Id spent so long accommodating the worlds demand that I get out
there and participate. Finally, the world seemed willing to accommodate me.

There is no research correlating the number of books on introversion with the

number of cocktails not consumed by people not going out for drinks after work.
But a spate of articles and social media posts on the glories of staying home in
ones pjs suggests that I am not the only one who went overboard once the
introvert label came to imply a deep thinker with a rich inner life rather than a
lone gunman.

Society has a rich history of people seizing on social evolution as an excuse for

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bad manners. From the Romantic poets to the transcendentalists to the Summer of
Love hippies, many have rejected a supposed facade of good behavior in favor of
being true to their inner nature. Good manners are mere mannerisms, the
argument goes, which serve only to put barriers in the way of deeper connections.

Theres another argument to be made, though, that those deeper connections

are the easy ones. Its the looser ties, the ones that have to be created or re-created
at each meeting, that are tough. Life is largely lived among acquaintances and
strangers. So many fall into problematic categories: some appear different or
unapproachable, some we actively dislike, some weve failed to connect with in the
past. What do we have to gain from even trying?

A lot, as it turns out. When I skip big gatherings of strangers, Im not just
being a little rude to the individual people around me, Im being uncivil in a larger
sense. The more we isolate ourselves from new people, the more isolated and
segregated our society is likely to become. Those casual interactions in dog runs
and at kids hockey games are the ones that are most likely to cross social and
economic barriers. They expand my little world as well as the overlapping bubbles
that create a society.

We can respect our own introversion, and embrace the quiet people among
us, without abandoning every challenging interaction. When I asked Ms. Cain
(while interviewing her about introversion in teenagers) if self-indulgent introverts
risked crossing the line into antisocial behavior if we might, in fact, just be being
rude she laughed, and agreed. Sometimes, she said, you have to consider the
other persons point of view instead of getting wrapped up in your own
discomfort.

You dont have to feel like you have to do what the group is doing, she said,
but the knowledge that you might inadvertently be hurting someones feelings by
not showing up or by behaving in a way thats perceived as aloof can make it easier
to extend yourself.

Extending ourselves can actually be good for us. We forget that we dont

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always know what makes us happy. We predict that we prefer solitude on our
commute, for example, but consistently report a more positive experience when we
connect with a stranger. That doesnt have to mean we abandon our book to an
hourlong discussion of the merits of our seatmates grandchildren. We can
embrace both the graceful brief conversation and the retreat into headphones.

In his book, If Youre So Smart, Why Arent You Happy, the behaviorist Raj
Raghunathan describes studies suggesting that prosocial behavior makes us
happier, even when that behavior comes at a material cost to ourselves: Toddlers
are happiest when they give monkey puppets treats from their own stash, adults in
rich and poor countries alike reported feeling happier when they spent a small sum
of their own money on others rather than on themselves.

Years ago, I was habitually late. I cant help it! I declared to an expert in time
management (Id turned my effort to reform into a magazine article, as writers do,
which gave me the excuse to seek professional help).

Have you ever missed a plane? she asked. I had not. Then you can help it.
You just care more about yourself than about the needs of others.

I may be naturally reserved, and more comfortable alone than I will ever be in
a crowd, but I am not at the mercy of my nature. There are many excuses for failing
to conduct ourselves with courtesy, for avoiding gatherings and conversations we
dont think we will enjoy, or for just putting on our pajamas and staying home. Too
many of them boil down to just that one thing: We care more about ourselves than
about the needs of others.

Thats not about introversion. Its just an ordinary version of selfishness.

KJ DellAntonia is a columnist and contributing editor to The New York Timess Well
Family.

Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook and Twitter
(@NYTOpinion), and sign up for the Opinion Today newsletter.

A version of this op-ed appears in print on September 25, 2016, on Page SR9 of the New York edition with
the headline: Am I Introverted or Just Rude?.

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2017 The New York Times Company

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