Understanding the NT and Person with

ASD

We all have different viewpoints, you can look at a glass and say That is a
rectangle,, another person can say That is a circle Both are correct but neither
have the full picture, it is only by working together that a full picture can be
achieved. -- Silveress_Golden

Preface

Welcome to a guide created and written by Strak and Lutero AND the wonderful people from all
other places. (That means you!)

This was built from the ground up as a quick help guide for many issues the ASD or otherwise
Neurotypical individual may encounter with one another, suggestions on how to deal with
common questions/situations like interacting in a classroom, work, how to grow close to an NT
or ASD, when its okay to discuss certain topics or display certain behaviors, and more.

This whole project started after noticing a paper detailing helpful points in ASD people
communicating with those who are NT or neurotypical. The original paper, however, does not
cover much more than the NT in shorthand. Understanding the NT or ASD Individual is meant to
encompass both the ASD and NT individual, even outlying disorders or situations. Here is a link
to the original document where our inspiration to make something bigger and better began. A big
thanks to everyone who worked on the original!

We want the community to help us build a great handbook. You are encouraged to make edits,
add info, delete info, etc. The people in charge will look over these changes and accept them (or
deny them) as seen fit. Dont be afraid, give us your input!

I would like to make a special mention for the moderators of r/aspergers for putting this
document in the sidebar where it will be more visible, as well as the official IRC channel.
Seriously, thats a big one.
Introduction

Before we dive into explaining many of the topics outlined in the preface, well explain a
few common terms with definitions and easy-to-learn context.

Neurotypical - Frequently abbreviated as NT, a Neurotypical person is one who is not

diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. When someone describes the way an NT acts,
talks, or thinks, it doesnt apply to them and all other NT people. Each person, having ASD or
being NT alike, have their own individual traits and ways of reacting to stimuli. A person being
classified NT does not mean they are normal: they may still have mental, physical, or
emotional health problems, disorders, or disabilities. Neurotypical people usually process
information - touch, sound, sight, emotions, and even social cues like body language - differently
than those with Autism or Asperger's. NT individuals tend to allow their direct emotional state
affect their behavior more than an ASD individual, but this is not always true. People always
vary!

Autism Spectrum Disorder(s) - Frequently abbreviated as ASD, its important to remember

that Autism Spectrum is as varied as any other spectrum. There are any number of combinations
of social, communicative, and behavioral differences that range in intensity, making even the
initial diagnosis exceptionally difficult. Sensitivity to sensory input, especially including touch,
light, and sound are common in many AS people. Order and a routine schedule can be important
to many with AS as well, but its important to remember in all these examples that everyone is
different and not all of these will apply to every AS person.

Stimulus - A stimulus, or stimuli (plural) is something that causes a reaction. (behavior, in these
cases) A stimulus can be anything from eating your favorite sweet food, or being complimented
on your work or appearance. It can be things others do in reaction to their own stimuli. Lets
think of a stimulus as an input. If a person touches another person, the touch is an input and
will cause a reaction. This is very basic detailing.

Response - A response is a way of reacting to an event. Responses always follow a stimulus

(above). A response can be nearly anything, just as a stimulus can be nearly anything. An
example of a response; well call it Stimulus Response, for sake of brevity, could be when
someone eats their favorite candy, or how they react to being complimented. A stimulus response
can even be its own stimulus for you or someone else. This can loop over and over, and is even a
basis for social interaction. If you like to pet a cat, it may be because her fur is soft and feels nice
to your hands. As a response, she may purr and curl up on your lap, hoping you keep petting her.
Conditioned vs Unconditioned Stimuli and Response -

Self Stimulatory Behavior - Stimming (or Self-Stimulation) typically consists of repetitive

physical movements, sounds or movement of objects. This can be a way to relieve anxiety,
tension or even purely reflexive.

Neurotypicals from the ASD viewpoint:

Behaviors
Here well cover a handful of behaviors and other things NT folk tend to do, which may
puzzle an ASD individual or even upset them unintentionally. This section is aimed toward ASD
people so they can be on the lookout and understand these behaviors, and for NT individuals to
briefly get an idea of how some things may trigger an undesired response.

-Tendency to say one thing and then do the other (deceit/lying)

+May not even realize theyre doing this
-Easily lie to ensure no hurt feelings (Little White Lies)
+Does this dress make me look fat? NOPE
-May put greater emphasis on material possessions and social status
-May appear unpredictable or fickle
-Often more externally emotional (body language)
+Many NTs may practically allow emotions to dictate their choices in life
-Unspoken rules of topics that are unsuitable for public discussion
-Small talk
-What to expect when breaking a social norm
-Cultural norms
-Reciprocating romantic / social gestures
-More likely to enjoy physically touching others
-May speak in riddles or use obtuse language
-May prefer social situations

Social
Body language seems to be second nature.

Sarcasm

Sarcasm by definition is the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

What this means in short is that a person can say one thing and mean completely the opposite.
Sarcasm can be a negative or positive thing depending on how it is used. An example of sarcasm
would be if it were pouring rain outside all day for the past week, and your mom says, Boy, I
sure love this sunshine! In this case, shed be mocking the weather. A negative example could
go like this: your boss isnt very friendly. He makes a comment about an employee who is
struggling to keep up with her work in front of her and other employees, saying MANDY has
been doing a GREAT job today.
Many people on the spectrum may have trouble detecting a sarcastic comment and telling
it apart from a genuine comment or statement, or negative remark. A bit of playful sarcasm
directed at something theyve done could mistakenly be interpreted as an insult and upset them.
People along the NT side of things may tend to use sarcasm among friends more often
than strangers, and use negative sarcasm otherwise.

ASD from the NT viewpoint:

Behaviors
-Repetitive behavior or movement
-Obsessive attachment to object(s)
-Preoccupation with particular topic of interest
-Methods for alleviating stress (Relaxation Methods)
+Pets
+Meditation or rhythmic breathing
+Solitude
--A secluded, quiet sanctuary
+Repetition
--Movement such as rocking back and forth
--Listening to the same song or watching the same show repeatedly
-Meltdowns

Common causes
+Techniques for helping

Sensory Input / Output

People along the Autism Spectrum may, and often do, have increased sensitivity to
sensory input. This can be relating to sound, touch, taste, smell, and even visual. Many ASD
people have trouble with certain foods, if not for taste, because of the texture it presents in their
mouth. Others may find it hard to touch rough surfaces like concrete. Quite often, tags in
clothing can be highly irritating, even colors or visual texture can be upsetting. At the same time,
some sensory input could be highly pleasurable and therapeutic in nature. As always, not
everyone is the same.

Sensory Stimuli

There are a large number of tools for helping ASD individuals with sensory difficulties.

+Weighted blankets or other sensory tools

-Specific textures, colors, sounds or smells may cause great pleasure or
discomfort

-Self stimulatory behavior (Stimming) to relieve anxiety or other emotions.

-Showering can be uncomfortable due to tactile discomfort
For this reason, baths may be preferred by many AS individuals

Social
-Maintaining their attention
-Habits
-Understanding the need for alone time
-Differences in expectations for a romantic relationship
+Discuss beforehand what you and your partner expect long term wise
-May not understand your current mood until you tell them
+If youre angry or agitated
--Often the AS individual wont pick up on your discrete body language
--Consider a color wheel to help relay your current feelings and emotions
+If youre feeling abandoned or lonely
--AS often require more Alone Time than an NT and this can lead to
resentful feelings if not properly discussed
-Dont assume they arent interested
+Facial expressions may not relay the true feelings of an AS
+Often can be slower to trust due to a lifetime of mistreatment
+Things an NT may take for granted may not even cross AS persons mind
--Saying Good Night or I love you daily
--Romantic gestures such as hugging or kissing
--They may be unaware of your interest until explicitly stated
-What to expect in social situations
+Determining stress level through cues
 +Sensory Overload
--Prevention of a meltdown due to sensory overload
--Dealing with a meltdown due to sensory overload
-Physical touching
-Speaking clearly without using riddles or obtuse wording
-Preventing yourself from coming off as condescending or patronizing
-Understanding the allegiance to honesty
+Whereas an NT may omit the truth or lie to preserve a persons feelings it is less
likely that an AS individual would
-Motivation or lack thereof
-Concentration
-Rigid schedules
-Understanding your own need for social interaction and how to deal with their
reluctance/resistance/ refusal to go
-Eye contact and lack thereof

Communication NT to ASD
Defining Successful Communication
Many times coping with ASD is learning to mimic the behaviors of a person who
understands an event or circumstance. This sometimes can help a NT person not make it such a
big deal, but it can also sometimes hurt a NT person because what the person is attempting to
communicate is never properly understood. A NT person who wants to communicate needs to
be patient and determined. You would not ask an armless person to throw a baseball in the same
way as an able-bodied person, or a large person to fit in a small box. The keys to effective
communication are creativity and ability to change entrenched patterns. If you cant hug, use
spirit fingers. If you cant have a conversation with a person who is not making eye contact
because of ASD, try writing a letter or email or calling the person on the phone. Creativity
means exploring all possible variations of the options.
 Changing entrenched patterns of communication is hard. Remembering not to hug this
person or to announce when you are going to do something is an extra step. You will mess up
sometimes and poor communication will happen. Determination is not letting anyones struggle
prevent you from continuing the overall effort.
Successful communication is when you are both engaged in finding the mutually
beneficial solutions. When it works, there is a sort of secret language that only you know.
Like learning any new language, at first you may only know a few words. NTs need to be
creative to use those words to evaluate success and grow the communication dictionary. If you
arent getting both positive and negative cues, then you are not communicating successfully.

The Tough Stuff

Friendships
-Strangers
-Acquaintances
-Friends and best friends
-Fights or arguments
-Understanding the flow of conversations, including length of time to stay on one subject
before moving on to another

Romantic Relationships
-Flirting
-Attraction
-Sexual preference and gender expression
-What your partner might expect from your relationship
-Dating advice (may include short anecdotal bits from top comments added at this
position)
-Breakups (proposing and dealing with)
-Sex
+Anticipating touch sensitivities
+Understanding the need to plan touching, so you dont take them off guard
--Especially never touching them from behind, trying to surprise them
+Differences in sex drive
--Just like an NT, an AS individual may really like sex or want nothing to
do with it. However, there are more the extremes in ASs than NTs.
Youre likely to find they either REALLY like it or REALLY dislike it
+Unlike an NT/NT relationship, you may find that you need to plan your sexual
escapades rather than expecting them to be spontaneous
-Strategies for strengthening an AS/NT relationship
 -Living together
-Research together over AS/NT topics and discuss which aspects fit each of you

-Being parents as an AS/NT couple

Hints for courting / dating
-When you like someone who may have autism
-When you like someone who is likely NT
-Creating schedules and calendars for activities and time together
-Communicating
+Discussing subjects that interest both parties
+Not spending too long on any one subject

Thanks: An especially big thank you to Computerology for putting a link to this doc on the
sidebar of /r/Aspergers and the topic of the #Aspergers IRC chat, additions to this work from the
community are what truly help us understand each other.

Owners:
Strak
Lutero

Editors:
Silver Golden (Silveress_Golden)
Sarah Connors