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A good behavioral description: My husband raises his voice and waves his
hands when telling me how he wants the checkbook organized. It makes
me nervous.
A not-so-good, labeling description: My husbands such a control freak
about everything, it drives me crazy!
Its not easy to discuss touchy issues in any relationship. If you are interested in
learning more about how to improve communication in your relationships and increase
your chances of making solutions win-win, the Assertive Communication module can
help you.
= Be aware that there may be more than one problem to solve. Often
there are many interrelated problems and after solving one problem youre
still having difficulty because the root problem was not addressed. Finding
the root problem can be difficult, but will speed your progress toward
solving it.
Another example: Susan wants to have more time to pursue her career
after spending three years at home taking care of the baby. Her
husband Jim would like for her to have her own career, but is worried
about finding good childcare and thinks it may not be financially
worthwhile for Susan to work full time. He also secretly wonders if she
will find him less interesting if she has her own life and acquaintances
outside the home. Susan senses Jims reluctance and, after mentioning
her desire to work once or twice, stops bringing it up. She begins to feel
she lacks the confidence to enter the workplace again and does not
explore her work options. She is afraid of bringing up the topic and
starting an argument because she is afraid of losing Jim. When they
have a small financial crisis, Susan angrily states that this would not have
happened if Jim had let her look for work.
Jim and Susan might initially identify the first problem (childcare) as the
most important one. If Jim and Susan are able to solve the problem, they
may still find that one month later they are arguing about Susans career. In
this case, mismatched expectations between the two of them might be
driving their arguments, and the childcare issue may simply be a related
problem.
= Know your sourcesome people are very good at being objective, but
most people have a bias of some sort. Be aware that everyone you talk to
will have a different slant. Judge the input you get from others and do not
automatically discard ANY information, but dont just accept it at
face value, either.
BRAINSTORM
= Generate alternatives/potential solutions to the problem at hand.
= Come up with a workable plan for putting the chosen solution into place.
= Also ask What is the endpoint? How will I know when Ive reached a
satisfactory resolution?
= Put your plan in place, making sure to note problems with implementing it.
= Always note what went well with the plan and what you feel good about
having accomplished. Even if it wasnt perfect, you probably made some
positive changes in your behavior that will help next time.
= It is a good idea to have a specified time and place to keep track of your
progress on a particular problem and to plan what you will do about it in the
future (Remember the Goal Setting module.). A weekly planning meeting is
a great place to do this.
Step 1: Identify the problem. Be aware that there may be more than one
problem.
Step 2: Seek out information and set goals. Get others input into the
situation and its potential causes. Set reasonable, achievable goals and make
sure that you have a fall back goal.
Step 4: Choose a solution. Evaluate each idea you had by examining the
likely pros and cons of each. Choose the one you think holds the most
promise.
Step 5: Describe the plan. Be detailed, noting what potential problems you
might encounter and how to overcome these. Get important people involved
in putting the plan into place. Have a specific endpoint in mind and know how
you will evaluate how close you came to meeting it. Finally, put the plan into
action.
Step 6: Review and Revise. Note what went well and what did not go as
planned. Use this information to refine the plan the next time you attempt
it. Revise goals if necessary. Go through the process again until you are
satisfied with the outcome.
Step 2: Seek Information and set Goal Ask: What do I want to be different? How do I want it to look in the
Ask for help from others in defining the issue(s) end? What is my fall back goal? I want to e-mail, telephone, or write
Clearly define the goal you want to achieve letters to at least one old friend a week.
Problem solving steps can help you break down and begin to solve complex,
thorny problems.
Step 2: Seek Information and set Goal Ask: What do I want to be different? How do I want it to look in the
Ask for help from others in defining the issue(s) end? What is my fall back goal?
Clearly define the goal you want to achieve
Step 3: Brainstorm
Ask: What can I do to change the situation? What do others think
Think of as many potential solutions as possible
may be potential solutions?
Can you use any of your self-management skills (tracking,
deep breathing, goal setting, problem solving) to improve
the situation?
Ask: What are the advantages and disadvantages of each potential
Step 4: Choose a Solution
solution? Which one holds the most promise?
Examine the pros and cons of each potential solution
Choose one you think is most likely to succeed
Step 5: Describe the Plan Ask: How can I make this solution work? What has to happen for
Detail each step of the plan and how they fit together this to work?