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DEAR CAROLYN: I am engaged to a great guy with many wonderful qualities

and I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

But he is prejudiced against one specific race,

which also happens to be the race of several of my ex-boyfriends. He works in
law enforcement, so part of me wants to attribute the racism to the fact that he
has seen this particular race do many horrible things that I havent. This seems
like a pretty trivial thing we all have some sort of bias or prejudice but its
getting to the point where I cant even talk to a member of this race in a work
meeting about a work-related project without my fiance turning it into a huge
fight and accusing me of trying to be a liaison for all [race] people.

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He doesnt think hes doing anything wrong, and I end up being the one to
apologize and try to fix things even though I dont think Im doing anything
wrong either. The amount of time and energy we have spent arguing about this
race is downright embarrassing.

I know you cant change anyone, you can only change yourself, but short of
moving to a commune in Massachusetts, Im not sure what I can do. This seems
like such a small thing to break up over, but it also seems like something I cant
argue about for the rest of my life.

Fiancee
DEAR FIANCEE: First thing Ill do when I finish this column is send my
forehead some flowers.
If thinking youre superior by birth to an entire group of humans is trivial,
then what exactly is significant?

Do your [race] ex-boyfriends also wave off racism as such a small thing? Since
they havent lost out on jobs for being [race]? Or been the butt of
dehumanizing jokes? Or been looked down upon as a less-worthy other,
wordlessly so as to deny them any recourse against it? Or received harsher
punishments than non-[race] classmates for the same antics?

Or been pulled over and interrogated for no discernible infraction besides

driving while [race] by your great guy [race]-prejudging fiance?

Would you admit to them, to their faces, that these things register as trivial to
you because they dont affect you personally?

And: When was the last time you saw a race do something horrible?

My forehead just whispered that I need to spell this out.

A person. A person does something horrible. Not a race.

And yes, we all have some biases and prejudices, but the duty of all decent
people is to hold ourselves to the highest standards and be vigilant about not
acting on them not to rage at our loved ones in defense of our roiling hate.

The person you want to marry and you say has many wonderful qualities is
doing something horrible and wrong and needs either to get counseling
immediately for his judgment-impairing anger or get out of law enforcement.
Ideally both.

Sweet deity. I fear for [race] people in his jurisdiction.

And I fear for you. If youre not connecting these dots yourself, what others
arent you connecting? And why?

Meanwhile: The amount of time and energy we have spent arguing is

downright embarrassing, you say, and you cant do your job without my fiance
turning it into a huge fight, and in an earlier part of the same breath youre
looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him.
What the what? Forget what the arguments are about, even would you let a
friend say this unchallenged about her relationship? Or would you help her
pack?

Not that theres anything wrong with communes in Massachusetts chowder,

good beer, Im in but throwing that out there as the only conceivable solution
to your engagement to a racist is like saying, This paper caught fire, but short of
summiting Everest, Im not sure what I can do.

Um. You can put the flaming article in the sink and turn on the water.

You can break up with your fiance immediately. Over these terrible, horrible, not
at all trivial things.

And be careful when you do. Anger is notorious for splashing onto whoever
stands too close.