Trinity Conner

Indira Hood-Esparza
Pod 1
11/14/17
Change

Everyone has the same nervous system.

[NEXT PICTURE]

Well, we all have the same basic steps our body takes to interpret

information and respond to it. Neurons are a big part of this process. Sensory

neurons detect whats happening (for example what we see), and pass the signal to

interneurons which relay the messages to and from the brain via the spinal cord,

and finally motor neurons pass the signals to tissues in the body which cause the

reaction. Thats how all basic nervous systems work, so why dont we all interpret

and react to information the same way?

[NEXT PICTURE]

Ever since my father passed away when I was 4 it has just been my mom

and I. She raised me by herself, she took the role of both mother and father. She

walked me to school on my first day of kindergarten, in my fall themed Gymboree

outfit and my brown cowgirl boots. She helped me with my homework and my

projects for school, like creating a desert scene with cacti and lizards. She was

always the one to cook dinner for me, taco tuesdays and pizza on Friday while we
watched a movie. This was our routine, something I was used to, I knew what to

expect.

[NEXT PICTURE]

Never have I ever felt like only having one parent put me at a disadvantage,

that is just how I was raised. I only had a mom and I was perfectly content with

that. (PAUSE) Yes it was sad that my dad passed and it was something I would

have to deal with when I got older but as a 10 year old I was happy with my life.

Then things started changing.

The pinging sounds of arcade games overwhelmed me as we walked into

Dave and Busters. My mom seemed hopeful and excited, she was so happy I

wanted to be happy like her too. But I just wasnt. I was nervous and I didnt know

what to expect. This was my moms first time meeting Nathan, who was Bobs

son, as well but she didnt seem nearly as tense as I was.

Trinity this is Nathan. Nathan say Hi to Trinity.

Hi. and he was gone. Bob had made the mistake of letting go of his hand

when he was introducing us. I remember thinking how my mom wouldve never

let me do that. Its not polite. But she didnt seem to mind when Nathan left. She

just shrugged and laughed, saying her hellos to Bob. I wandered through the aisles

of basketball hoops and life sized motorcycles. There were families everywhere,

parents putting the coins in while the kids jumped up and down eagerly, excited to
play. I admired them, how they all looked alike, how the siblings helped each

other. I couldnt blame my mom for wanting that, even I wanted that. But I

couldnt shake the feeling that it wouldn't be the same. These families had always

been together, grew up together. My mom, Bob, Nathan and I would never be like

that. They both felt like strangers to me. Why didnt it feel like that to my

mom?.(PAUSE)

It had been a few months and I had heard whisperings of what was coming,

(PAUSE) Ill admit it I did eavesdrop a tad when my mom was on the phone with

Bob. He lived all the way in Carlsbad so they didnt see each other often and when

they did my mom would go to him and I would be left on the doorstep of my

grandparents house. This became the new routine. I got relatively used to this

routine, I had the mindset that as long as I didnt have to spend too much time with

them it was fine. A win-win situation. My mom was happy with them and I was

happy with her.

[NEXT PICTURE]

Yeah that sounds good, you come down Thursday and we can go look at a

few...Okay...Love you. Bye

Look at a few what? I asked, what would her and Bob be looking at in

Eastlake. My mom cut her eyes at me mildly irritated that I didnt respect her

phone privacy.
 Houses. She said. (PAUSE)

Her and Bob wanted to move in together.

My delusions had been broken,

there was no way that Bob and Nathan could be in her life without being in mine.

She was excited to start a new chapter in her life, I however was feeling anger, a

need to resist. For me it was like I was betraying my dad, saying I have a new one

now. But Bob wasnt and could never be my dad. (PAUSE)

I heard the door creak open and slam shut. Bob and my mom came up the

stairs while I was emptying the dishwasher. They had been gone all night at some

hotel in Coronado for their anniversary. I felt Bob come up behind me, when I

looked over my shoulder I saw a small black box. I knew what it was because he

had showed me it a few weeks ago after my mom and him had gone ring shopping.

I didnt expect for them to get engaged anytime soon.

They had said that they just went ring shopping, just to look. It had already

been 4 years and Bob would always make a face when my mom would mention

getting married so I didnt see it as a possibility for the near future.

The box was empty.

 (PAUSE) I looked over at my mom, she held up her left hand with a grin on

her face. There was an engagement ring on her finger.

[NEXT PICTURE]

I didnt know how to react. I wasnt happy or excited, although I knew I

should be, I knew she wanted me to be. I couldnt force myself to feel happy, I

couldnt pretend. My neurons werent signalling my brain fast enough, myelinated

nerves can send signals at the speed of 119 miles per second, but my brain wasnt

signaling my body anywhere near as quickly as that. I had avoided thinking about

this moment for so long. I think I was in shock. (PAUSE) Eventually I just gave

them a small smile and said congratulations. My mom said we might be able to go

to another country or Hawaii for the wedding.

It still didnt feel real.

I put the last dish in the cabinet and started to head downstairs.

Wait, dont you want to hear about how it happened? My mom asked, she

seemed so eager to tell me. Im sure she wanted to share her happy moment with

me. (PAUSE) I went back up the stairs and sat down with them on the couch. My

mom told me all the details of how he had asked her. I dont know how I came off.

But my mom didnt go off on me for not being pleasant or ruining her big night so

I guess my behavior was acceptable. I dont really remember feeling much of

anything in that moment. I never thought the relationship would go that far.
 Trinity, be pleasant. My mom said through her teeth as we walked

through the ridiculously cold rain pouring down on us, on our way to Thanksgiving

dinner with Bobs dad.

[NEXT PICTURE]

I dont get how she could interpret my irritation at getting soaking wet in 40

degree weather, as me being disrespectful or rude. How could she be so excited to

get her hair wet and her makeup wiped off by the unrelenting sheets of rain that

were pouring down on us? Same information, different reactions.

This was our first holiday with Bob and Nathans family, I felt bad because

Bobs dad always tried to talk with me. He asked me how I felt about the

engagement, I would just put on a fake smile and say I was excited, but I think they

could all see through me. Every time I met one of Bob and Nathans family

members I couldnt help but think of my own aunt or uncle or cousin that I already

had.

Even though my mom and Bob were engaged I could never picture his

family as my family.

[NEXT PICTURE]

(PAUSE) Bob and my mom guilted me about my behavior for weeks

after, saying, Theyre so nice, all they want to do is get to know you and youre so
rude to them., You make them think somethings wrong with them, they think

theyre the problem, but its just you. (PAUSE)

After that Thanksgiving I went straight to see my therapist, my mom is an

adamant believer in therapy. I felt that the therapy I had been in since I met Bob I

felt was a little counterproductive.

So updates? My therapist would ask looking at me but knowing my mom

would answer. Everytime we walked through that hallway and sat on the brown

couch with our backs facing the window, I had a sinking feeling that I was in

trouble. Most of my therapy sessions ended with me feeling like the problem, just

because I was feeling differently than the rest of them.

Well Trinitys been doing pretty good. I think we just need to work on

being more pleasant. This was the most frustrating sentence in the world. I

legitimately did not understand how I could get in trouble for not being happy. Its

just how I feel, how Im responding in my own way,

how can I be expected to act just like her when I didnt feel just like her?

(BREATHE)

September 23rd, 2017. The day that Bob and Nathan would officially

become my step dad and step brother. The day of the wedding. My mom and I had

gotten up at 8:30 to go get our hair done all the way in downtown San Diego. In

the car on the way back I was staring out the window looking at the skyscrapers. I
was thinking about the wedding that was about to happen in 7 hours. How I

wished it wouldnt happen. I wished my mom would come to her senses and

realize she doesnt need a new family. That Im good enough for her. (PAUSE)

Do you want me to take you home or do you want to come with me and

wait while I get my makeup done? She asked, breaking the silence.

I dont care. I replied. Silence. (PAUSE)

You know what Trinity Im sick of this. You can never be happy you can

never be pleasant. You always want everything to be about you. You cant just let

me have this one day.

That hurt.

That was probably one of the worst feelings in the world. I didnt understand how

we could have such different views of the situation or my behavior.

She lost a husband, and soon she will have another one. Notice how both of them

are husbands, I lost my dad,

and soon I was going to have a stepdad. Not the same thing. I will never have

another biological father. I will never have someone who was there when I was

born be able come to my volleyball games or exhibitions, be there for my sweet 16

[NEXT PICTURE]

or prom, watch me graduate from high school, or walk me down the aisle.

My dad was my dad,

and Bob was Nathans dad. Just like my mom will never be Nathans mom. Why

was it wrong to feel like this? Why was it wrong to say this is hard for me?

Because it was (PAUSE)

it is hard. (BREATHE)

During the wedding I clapped when I was supposed to clap, smiled when I

was supposed to smile and stood beside my mom to support her.

[NEXT PICTURE]

Everything was going as expected but then my mom took a paper out of her dress

and read a speech to Nathan. Everyone was crying. But me. I was nervous as she

was reading the ending to her speech because I knew what was coming next. I

promised myself I wouldnt cry. I would keep a straight face, keep smiling like my

mom wanted me to do.

Trinity, Ive known you for almost 5 years, and in those 5 years I have seen

you grow from a child to a young adult, and I am amazed at how youve grown

and changed into a young woman who has accomplished so much. Dont cry,

dont cry. I felt the tears start to come. I looked up and into the wind to try to get

them to go away. I knew once I started I wouldnt be able to stop. (PAUSE)

Youre smart, energetic, and confident. I couldnt have asked for a better

role model for Nathan. I know that whatever path you choose youll be successful.
 I am so proud to call you my daughter. The tears were falling now, there

was no way to stop them.

[NEXT PICTURE]

I was crying for my dad, I felt like this day would truly be the day he was

replaced. (PAUSE)

I was crying from frustration, I felt like I was silenced by the person I loved

the most. (PAUSE) I was crying from self hatred, look at all the nice things Bob

was saying to me, he had never done anything truly bad to me but I still wanted

nothing to do with him. (PAUSE) Why couldnt I just be happy for my mom? Why

did I have to be the problem? I looked around at my family members, they were all

crying like me. I shared a look with my grandma, she was the only one I would tell

about how I was struggling with the wedding. She understood how hard this was

for me when my own mother couldnt.

Ill never replace your dad, but I promise I can be someone who you can

come to for anything, big or small.

I didnt know how to feel.

Everything felt so different knowing that he wasnt trying to replace my dad.

What he was saying was right, he had finally said what Id been thinking this

whole time, but that didnt really change my feelings or the facts of what

happened. (PAUSE) [NEXT PICTURE]

 To this day, they are still married and we all still live together. (PAUSE)To

this day, my relationship with my mother, my stepdad and stepbrother hasnt

really changed, my acting has just gotten better. To this day, I struggle to behave

the way I should or the way my mom wants.

But these are my feelings. No one else's. Not my mothers,

Mine.

And Im finally okay with that.