Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving.

Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned

RvP Playoff. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm fantasy emergency here.
We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest RvP finals since Jenna bitch slapped
Chris in the finals of 2015. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down our imaginary chimney
tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of RvP assholes this side of the nuthouse!

Oh no! Last week Rolando failed to enter his picks in time, leaving him with a big fat zero. Meanwhile
Matty-Y continued his surge, going an impressive 5-1 to make him the new leader at 59-42. I lost a
chance to jump Rolando into second, with my Grinch picks going an unimpressive 2-4 to bring my season
total to 52-49.

Last week’s C’mon Man Moment goes to Powell, who started a 0.52 Andy Dalton and left a 40.36 Eli
Manning on his bench. That kind of move is how you end up in The Sacko in the first place! Last week’s
Pickup of the Week goes to Matty-Y, whose pickup of Robbie Gould netted him a fantastic 29 fantasy
points…from a kicker!

Winner’s Bracket Standings (#2 Pick in 2018):

1.) Remember the 5 D’s – 306.98

2.) Skillz That Killz – 284.8

3.) Nice & Deep Like – 259.16

4.) OuchtownPopulationU! – 219.28

5.) Beaver Tranquillizers – 192.95

6.) Troop417 – 185.96

Loser’s Bracket Standings (#1 Pick in 2018):

1.) Daj Maball – 307.58

2.) Team Blitzkrieg – 241.74

3.) O’Houlihan’s Heroes – 239.28

4.) Fuckin’ Chuck Norris – 235.03

5.) Garrr! Bollocks! – 222.43

6.) L for LOVE – 186.67

The Sacko (#3 Pick in 2018):

A strong week from VonHugen Balls Brings his 2 week total to 215.79 and gives him the edge over a Bold
Strategy team that faltered last week and brought his 2 week total to 176.94.
Skillz That Killz vs. Nice & Deep Like:
Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Rolando Ortega,
my nemesis, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there in New
York with all the other fantasy rich people who always make the damn finals. And I want him brought
right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And I want to look him straight in the eyes and tell him what a
cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed,
ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stif-
legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!

With that in mind…If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more
surprised than if CJ somehow pulls this one out.. SKillz That Killz with the W and the title!

Daj Maball vs. Garrr! Bollocks!:

We’re kicking off our fun old fashioned RvP finals week by heading out into the country in the old
Microsoft Word-driven picks-sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select
that most important of Christmas symbols, the RvP loser’s bracket title winner!

You see kids, this is what our forefathers did. They walked out onto the fantasy grid-iron and they
fought for that special Loser’s bracket title and they claimed it with their bare hands. Fortunately for
Chris, Matt can’t find his Rodgers, can’t feel his cooks, and traded away his Bell & Brady, essentially
freezing his fantasy team from the waste down.

Garrr! Bollocks! With the Consolation Title!

OuchtownPopulationU! vs. Remember the 5 D’s:
Christmas is about resolving differences and seeing through the petty problems of RvP life. And it’s
about me accusing Kyle of being an Eeyore, and Kyle accusing me of “jinxing” his fantasy team with
injuries (HAHAHA IT FINALLY HAPPENED!). I just know how Kyle builds up the godliness of his fantasy
team in his mind, he sets standards that no imaginary squad of NFL players can live up to.

But what’s that sound? Do you hear it? I sound of a Mike Jones-driven dump truck destroying what
remains of Kyle’s piddly fantasy team. Remember the 5 D’s!

Fuckin’ Chuck Norris vs. Team Blitzkrieg:

Ah, the silent majesty of a Christmas winter’s morn...the clean, cool chill of the holiday air…and three
assholes in their bathrobes, picking my team to lose to Ryan’s this week in the battle for 9th place.
You’ve got a lot of nerve treating your commissioner like that Kyle, Matt and Rolando.. you know where
I’m gonna put an upset of this proportion? Bend over and I’ll show you!