Beijing Story

By Beijing Comrade

Chapter One

Three years have passed ..... Three years ago, I dreamt of him coming
back every night. I would keep asking him in surprise and amazement, "
Didn't you die? Aren't you dead?" Three years later, I am still dreaming
the same dream. What's different is that I keep telling myself in the dream
now it is nothing but a dream, until I wake up.
The weather in Vancouver is so pleasant, always sunny with cool
breeze, unlike Beijing's sandy wind and humidity. Every morning when I wake
up, I ask myself at a loss "where is this place?" Looking at the beautiful
maple leaves wavering in the wind and the young woman sleeping beside me --
my new wife, I let out a sigh, lie down and continue my recollections in
the dream ....
I used to be sort of a playboy -- child of a high-ranked government
official but the well-educated type. After graduating from high school, I
got admitted to the Chinese department of a famous university. At my
sophomore year, I started a medium-sized business with a few friends. Upon
graduating from college, I managed to get a sizable loan and established my
own trade firm. Business was terrific especially the deals with eastern
Europeans nations. Five years later, backed by my influential dad and also
due to my own wisdom, the firm accumulated over 100 million yuan. I was 27
that year.
I never thought of getting married then. I did not have a steady sex
partner, either girl or boy. I began dating girls from my freshman year. I
still remember the first girl who went to bed with me. She was two years
senior to me, a beautiful little woman with eyes neither too big nor too
small, black and long eyebrows and a lovely straight nose. The two dimples
when she smiled would arouse my desire to bite her. Our first time happened
in my bedroom. On that day, we skipped classes. I asked the maid out and
led the girl into my house. She appeared excited. We started kissing. Then
I tried to feel under her dress. She seemed not to care and kept kissing me
back devotedly. When my hands moved on to her breasts, she finally wrinkled
her eyebrow a bit and hesitantly tried to push me away. My heart was
pounding fervidly and I was unable to control myself. Her refusal seemed to
have given me extra incentive. I murmured rubbishes like "I love you" and
"I'll marry you" and hurriedly stripped her dress and my own trousers. I
raised her legs and attempted three or four times to put my manhood inside
her but only succeeded with her guidance. Pitifully once inside I was at a
loss as to what to do next and ejaculated. The girl cried. Don't know it
was for joy or for sorrow. I thought all girls would cry after their first
time.
It was not until a year later when I became experienced in sex that I
got to know that I was not her first, perhaps not even her third or fourth.
I began to shuffle girls around me frequently. The biggest headache for me
was not how to score girls but how to get rid of them. I was kind of tired
of these chicks, who pestered me on the issue of getting married with
nobody but me and sticking to me for the rest of their lives. For a while I
was scared of women. It was at this juncture a big brother in the "circle"
introduced to me a boy, who was a singer at a bar. I thereby started a new
way of having fun.
It has been a while. I cannot recall his name. But his image is still
vivid. He was very white and kind of cute. He was said to be in his
twenties, older than me. But he looked only 18 or 19. (It is a bigger taboo
to ask the age of a boy than that of a girl when playing this game.) The
only drawback about him was the few "beauty dimples" on his face. We met at
the bar he worked for. I ordered two songs by him. He was pretty talkative
but also a little shy. After the bar was closed, we went to his house. He
kept talking with me on the way, which made me appear to be a bit
passive. It was apparent that he was very attentive and tried hard to test
my response.
His house was not bad. It was a one bedroom, one living room flat with
a few furniture. The cleanness of his house reminded me of the filthy
eight-men dorm and my own "dog nest".
"My parents prepared this for my marriage." He said with a smile and
fixated his eyes on me.
"I need to take a shower first. The bar smells heavy with all the
strangers. Do you want to..?"
"I'll wait a moment!" I sounded a little impolite. In fact I was trying
to hide my fear. It did not occur to me that it was more difficult going to
bed with a boy than with a girl.
In no time he emerged from the bathroom, only wearing his briefs. He
was in good shape. I didn't notice that his hair was still dry. He seemed
to have changed in just a few seconds and began to shut up and gently feel
me all over. He slowly stripped my shirt off and kissed around my whole
body, his hands moving on my trousers. I dared not breathe but got
genuinely excited.
Didn't know why I still sat there rigidly. He seemed to have noticed
too. He then paused, raised his head and looked into my eyes tenderly but
helplessly. God, I had never been stimulated like this before. He raised
all my desires and feelings: affection, pity, impulse of conquering even
cruelty. I abruptly pushed him to bed and felt all over his body. What a
body it was - young, smooth and resilient, completely contrary to the
softness of women. He helped me take off my trousers. My ugly thick
erection appeared to jump out when my briefs were stripped. He smiled.
"So big?" He began to work on it with his mouth.
I kept breathing heavily and uncontrollably closed my eyes. This was
sooo thrilling! I had asked girls to do this to me but they were all
reluctant. They either stopped right after a few attempts or their teeth
touched my penis uncomfortably. He was still sucking my penis in all
directions while stroking his own.
"I'm coming" I shouted.
He did not release himself and added his hands to my and his own
penises. I could not hold any more and shot a huge load of sperm. I had
never been so thrilled - no obligations, complete enjoyment.
Shortly afterwards, I noticed his manhood was still hard. I felt a
little sorry but I did not want to give him a blow job in return. However,
he did not seem to care and patiently put one of my hands on my softened
penis while one of his hands was shifted to his anus. He started stroking
there and was getting excited. His muscles appeared to be trembling up and
down, accompanied by women-like moans. Another hand of mine joined to help
him stroke his anus. He kept shaking his body, moaning, breathing heavily
until he exploded.
Afterwards he told me I was the sharpest boy he ever slept with. His
other "friends" had better skills but he felt more joy to play with
me. Didn't know why I was not glad to hear that compliment. It made me feel
that I gave my virgin body to these "old woman" and "old man". I decided to
make up the loss immediately and play more. With the playing mindset and
the increasing cash at hand, I had no trouble scoring a long list of
"playmates" until I met Lanyu.

At the age of 27, I seemed to have achieved everything I desired in

life and I was very arrogant. Besides business I spent all my time mingling
with friends or lovers. That particular morning, after a somewhat
successful business negotiation, I was wondering about what to do at night
when Liu Zheng came in. He was associate director of the general manager's
office. We kind of grew up together. "Hey, I saw the Russian boy leave
unhappily this morning." He smiled at me. "He wanted more free-rides from
me. He is limited in his skills in bed. I should not spoil
him. Incidentally, I'm going bowling tonight at the 'Imperial
Capital'. Want to join me?" I asked carelessly.
"Why don't you invite Hao Mei? She called me this morning and said
hello to you."
"Forget it, buy her a bag or something for me. Don't let her call me
all the time."
"Bored again?" Liu put on a canny smile. "Let's be serious. I met a boy
the other day at the World Trade Center. He just came to Beijing this year
for college. Seemed helpless. Interested?"
"Don't mention it. I am fed up with both boys and girls now. Why can
you always hook up with those kinds of people? Are they clean? It's
sickening." I said with a smile.
"He is pretty pure. Absolutely not form the "circle". Just turned
16. Freshman in college. I guess he needs money really bad. He would not
say anything. Anyway he is hungry for money."
"Could he be a crook? Might be a construction worker from another
province. Aren't there many crooks like that in Beijing now?"
Liu did not quarrel with me on that and we moved on to discuss the newly
hired Russian interpreter being not honest. Liu is two years older than me
but we graduated from high school in the same year. From the elementary
school to junior high we were classmates. In senior high school, we were
still in the same school. But I was at the Social Sciences class while he
studied at the Natural Sciences class. He was not as lucky at the college
entrance exam and ended up at a Normal college. After graduation, he did
not want to be a poor high school teacher. So he came to me for
help. Although I did not need physics teachers, I treated him as an old
friend and offered him the associate director's position. There's no
concrete task for him to take care of. I just need him as an
informant. Besides I need him to find "fun" for me. What I like the most
about him is he is clever and loyal. Moreover, he is easy-going and not
envious. Besides he is very decent in sex but can tolerate my being
indecent.
"Alright, this is it. I'll go look for you at the `Imperial Capital'
tonight." He said and was about to step out.
 "mm ..Bring the kid with you if you feel he is OK."
"All right." Liu smiled.
"What do you plan to say to him?"
"I'll just tell him General Manager Chen needs company. I know how to
hint to him. $1000."
"So cheap! He'd better be clean."
"Take it easy. He is 100% virgin. He might fear you are unclean."
"Fuck your uncle." I cursed with a smile.

Chapter Two

I have always been fond of the bowling room at the 'Imperial

Palace'. It is spacious, not very crowded and more importantly it hardly
attracts low-end customers. Keeping me company that particular afternoon
were Wei-Guo and Sister Zhang, who was well-connected and on very good
terms with me. Seeing me looking at the entrance Sister Zhang asked:
"Who are you waiting for?"
"Liu Zheng, and the son of a big brother from another province. The
boy just came to Beijing for college."
"You sure kept your hands full." She laughed.
At about 6 or 7, Liu came, followed by the boy, who looked not too
tall and ordinary looking, judging from where I stood. I suddenly felt
disappointed and cursed Liu secretly.
"Sister Zhang. Wei-Guo."Greeted Liu.
The boy stood at a far distance, his eyesight never leaving Liu.
"This is General Manager Chen." Liu turned around and introduced the
boy to me.
"His name is Lan Yu. Lan is a last name rarely heard of."
"How do you do." I smiled and reached out my hands.
"How do you do."Lan Yu shook my hand nervously.
I will never forget the moment when our hands touched, he raised his
eyes and looked at me. In his bright eyes, I saw concern, uneasiness and
doubt. He was not smiling at all, unlike what I was accustomed to. His face
was not too white but clean. He had a delicately pretty face and a straight
nose. His mouth was closely shut. There seemed to be no expression on his
face. My heart jumped wildly all of a sudden. That was an impulse I had not
expereinced in a long time.
However, I was not a kid any more. So I looked away from his staring
and turned to the other company who were busy bowling. I asked the boy
carelessly:
"Do you like bowling?"
"I don't know how."He seemed to have a Northern accent.
"You are from the North?"
"Yes."
"He may not have had dinner yet." Liu whispered to me.
"Good. I have not had mine either."
"Sister Zhang. I've found something to do. I must take my nephew to
dinner. Or my big brother will scold me for mistreating his son. You want
to join us? My treat."
"I'll stay out. You have fun yourself."
I always felt she meant something else between the lines. But who
cares?
We drove to the 'Country Brother' Restaurant because I had a reserved
private room there.
The restaurant was spacious, well lit and splendidly
decorated. Unfortunately the Cantonese food served there was not too
tempting but beat Italian and French cuisine easily.
"How old are you?" We hardly talked on the way, until we were seated
in the dining room.
"16, almost 17."
"Why did you go to school at such a young age? I remember the year I
entered college, I was almost 19."
"I started elementary school one year earlier and skipped one more
year later on." He was still not smiling and kept his eyes on me while
talking, with a look of a well-educated kid. The blue in his eyes almost
made me lose my control. I was busily picturing pushing him onto bed.
"How do you like Beijing so far?"I shot out my words like bullets.
"What?"His face blushed. I could tell he had trouble understanding my
Beijing dialect.
I laughed. "I could not understand a word by the Beijing men when I
was first here. Just like you. Their pronunciation is too vague. It is
sickening." I was actually using the words of my college roomate Fang Jian.
His mouth moved slightly, just passed for a smile, although with a big
effort.
He quickly finished two bowls of fried rice. The side dishes were not
touched at all. I could tell he was really hungry.
"You are a construction major? Good choice. You will be rich. I used
to have two friends majoring in construction. They started drawing designs
in the junior year of college. They were so rich that they made us Chinese
majors very envious." As we walked out of the restaurant, I kept talking
with him.
"Which school did you go to?"I asked.
He did not respond, his eyes staring at the elevator door. I was kind
of surprised. He did not appear to want to answer the question. Could all
he had said be truth? Based on my past experience, it was highly
impossible.
We did not speak inside the elevator. It occurred to me that I took a
girl from the foreign languages institute here half a year ago. She was not
a virgin but new to the money girl business. I did not lack experience
seeking prostitution. But this was my first time with a boy with money
involved.
It was not until then that I noted that he was wearing a dark blue
cloth pants with a white round-collared T-shirt. Simple but clean. Only his
pants were kind of short and very used. Also, I found out that he had been
observing me, not neglecting a tiny movement of mine.
Once we were inside the hotel room, he looked even more nervous. He
just stood at the entrance like a stick.
"Make yourself at home. This is a flat. The outside is dining room and
guest room. The inside is bedroom."
Lan Yu was still standing at the entrance.
I turned on the TV and handed the remote control to him.
"Watch some TV. They have many cable channels ." I stopped and stared
at him.
 "It's up to you. We'll call it quit right now if you don't feel like
it. I never force others to do something they don't like. It'll be fine
with me just having a meal, chatting and making friends with you. "I
smiled.
He took the remote control , his worried eyesight falling on my face
and turning away hurriedly.
"I, I will watch TV."
"Do what you like. I have been out the whole afternoon. I need to take
a shower." I entered the bathroom.
July in Beijing was hot and humid. The days are very long. It just
turned completely dark at 9. I was sitting on the sofa in my sleeping gown,
contemplating how to score him faster. He was in the bathroom. I ordered
two glasses of wine, sweet but powerful after drinking. I then inserted a
porn movie into the VCR. Everything was ready. I couldn't help being a
little nervous.
He stepped out of the bathroom, wearing the big light blue sleeping
gown, (I always had brand new sleeping gowns ready in my closet here.) his
wet hair disorderly spread over his forehead.
"Want some wine? It's good when you are tired." I passed a glass to
him.
He took the glass and still stood there, seemingly at a loss.
"Sit down."
He seated himself and secretly let out a breath. On the TV screen a
beautiful naked white girl was licking the cunt of another girl, who was
moaning wildly and stroking her own tits.
He seemed to be shocked at what he saw. He sat there motionlessly,
his hands tightly grasping the glass. I knew it must be his first time
watching a porn movie.
"Have you dated a girl before?"
"Have you dated a girl before?" I repeated myself as he did not
respond.
"No." Judging from his voice I could tell he had lost his focus.
I turned around looking at him. His face was reddened. He looked very
disoriented. I gently put my hands between his legs and started to stroke
on his crotch. His body stiffened. His cock was as hard as rock.
I turned off the TV. He turned to look at me, lost but shyly. I
disrobed myself, exposing my strong and smooth body. His eyes never left me
while I was disrobing. I lowered my body and took time to take off his
sleeping pants. He gently swallowed his saliva. His penis was neither too
big nor too small. But his body was not fully developed yet, like that of a
teenager, a little skinny. I started giving him a hand job. Then I laid him
down on his back on the sofa, our eyes looking into one another all the
time. I then licked and felt all over his young body.
"Let me know if you feel uncomfortable."
He looked at me with no refusal signal in his eyes. I knew I must be
extra tender and considerate doing it first time with a virgin, either a
girl or a boy. That will leave them an unforgetable experience and they
will obey orders later on.
I moved my mouth to his and began tonguing his lips. His mouth was
rigid in the beginning but quickly became cooperative. Honestly, his body
did not attract me that much then. Rather it was his clean virgin body that
got me genuinly excited. It reminded me of my own past. You may call it
self-love and self pity. Besides, his eyes were the most unforgetable.
I kissed his face and body wildly, my hands constantly stroking his
penis and the neighborhood of his balls. He seemed to have entered the
state of excitement. His eyes were wide shut. His breath were getting
heavier and heavier. All of a sudden he reached out and groped my arms and
uttered a low moan. He ejaculated. He looked depressed.
I sort of wanted to laugh. I didn't expect him to come so fast.
That night we made love two more times. The second time I gave him a
blow job. He returned the favor the third time. And we climaxed together. I
didn't ask for anal sex. Because it was not time yet.
Maybe because of the effect of the alcohol, maybe because he was too
tired or too young, he quicky fell asleep afterwards. Looking at his young
handsome face I knew I owed Liu Zheng a big meal after all.
The next morning I woke up early. I had an appointment with heads of
the Construction Bank's loan department regarding a loan of 50 million
yuan. Realizing that Lan Yu was still fast asleep, I did not bother to wake
him up. I ordered a breakfast for him and left a note saying that he was
welcome to come to me through Liu Zheng when I could be of any help and
that he should leave after he had the breakfast. I left two thousand yuan,
one thousand more than I promised. I intended to leave three grand but on
second thought I was concerned to spoil him.
"When did you leave this morning? The kid was still sleeping?"
"Yes. What's up?"
"The hotel called and said they found one thousand yuan in the room
and a note."
"What note?"
"He said he took one thousand as a loan. He will repay you later. He
also said he wants to see you again."
I paused a moment, wondering what to say.
"Ok. I'm busy right now. Let's talk about it when I'm back."
Turning off the cell phone, I began to get the feeling that more was
yet to come between me and the boy.

Chapter Three

Hao Mei should belong to the white-collar pretty girl type. She works
at a sales department in a joint venture. I only like two kinds of girls:
college girl like Hao Mei is one of them. I hate the types of singing stars
and models. They ask for more but are not fresh and vulgar. As for boys, I
prefer the artistic type, those playing with music or paintings. They
mostly do it for the money or for the thrill. Of course it is a thousand
times more difficult to find the right boy, let alone high quality ones.
What attracted me the most about Hao Mei was not her pretty and funny
appearance, nor was her clever and sensitive brain but her well-developed
butt. Unlike most oriental girls, her butt was round, thick and smooth and
always stick out even when she was walking.
Almost all the leaves had dropped to the ground. It was not even
November yet. I was fast asleep in my quilt on Sunday morning, one of my
hands on the hip of Hao Mei. The telephone suddenly rang loudly. I
struggled to open my eyes and picked up the phone. It was Liu Zheng.
"Are you fucking sick or what? Why are you calling me so early?" I
murmured vaguely.
"Early? Look at your watch. It's almost 12."
"What's up?"I became a little impatient.
"Lan Yu called me this morning and said he just finished his
mid-term. I guess he started to miss you." Liu got a little impolite too.
"......"
"You forgot already?"
"I know. Ask him to ...." I looked at my watch. "wait for me in front
of 'Country Brother' at 2."
Off the phone, my fatigue suddenly went away and I got very excited. I
began to put on my trousers.
"Who was that? You will go out?" Hao Mei looked at me on the bed.
"Get up fast. I have an emergent matter to take care of in the
afternoon. Let's go to lunch first. " I threw her her dress as I said.
"Anything serious?" Hao Mei got nervous.
"No. It's business. But I have to go in person."
Hao Mei did not ask more. She knew her limits.
The front lobby of 'Country Brother' was quiet at 2. There were only a
few tables of guests there chatting. At around 2:20, Lan Yu walked in. He
looked a little different from last time. I waved to him, which he noticed:
"Sorry I'm late." He did not explain further.
"How did you come here?"
"By bus." His pronunciation improved a lot.
"I am still not completely familiar with Beijing yet. I took a wrong
transfer." He added.
I began to size him up more closely as we talked. Quite to my
surprise, he grew taller in just four or five months. And he was not as
skinny as last time. Moreover, he was not as tense and nervous as last
time.
Although still not smiling, he was on the verge of smiling for
sure. One thing had not changed - his eyes. Still worried and uneasy.
" Go take a taxi then in the future. I'll pick you up if I have time."
He did not answer.
"How do you like your school so far?"
"Horrible. Everyone is the best in high school days. Now everyone can
be at the bottom. The competition is intense and secretive." He finally
smiled as he spoke. That was the first time I saw him smile. It was
genuine, splendid and sweet.
"Don't give yourself too much pressure. Take it easy as long as you
are able to keep up. How is the school dining service? " I have one
strength, that is I can always make people feel I am considerate and
honest. For this reason I made many friends and "playmates".
"Good food. All Northern style dishes. The steamed buns are big. The
noodles are not as tasty though."
"Ha." I laughed. "Don't buy noodles at school. They always put the
noodles in water before cooking. I remember having half pound of noodles
once and ended up in the toilet five times afterwards. And I became hungry
at 2 p.m. But honestly, I've been to many colleges. NU is not the
worst. The worst is CU."
"I am from CU." He said proudly. He looked to be telling the truth.
I was a bit surprised. Has he been telling the truth all the time? Is
he really a college student? And a good student? I still doubted about
that.
"Where did you come from? Did you have lunch?"
"Not yet." He looked a little embarassed. "I had a tutoring job in the
morning. For fear of being late, I came directly from there."
I didn't know why he always had surprises in store for me.
That time our love-making was very involved. When we were having
lunch, we kept staring at one another. If he were a girl, I would have felt
him right there. Having finished the meal in a hurry, we rushed to my
room. Both of us got a little impatient. As I stripped him, I tried to
catch my breath:
"What took you so long to come to me? I miss you to death."
"School just started. I'm too busy with school work. I have been
thinking about calling you, but I'm afraid ..." His voice was trembling.
The almost crazy impulse when two men make love cannot be compared to
heterosexual love. He could not unzip his flies which I helped and in no
time he was naked in front of me. His smooth brown-colored skin was full of
resilience. His wide shoulder, narrow hip and a typical upside down
triangluar body shape thrilled me to the extreme. We started kissing,
stroking and giving blow job to one another. I tried to gently thrust my
finger into his anus. His body trembled, but he did not push me away. He
was still wildly kissing me. When my finger penentrated a little deeper, he
shun away abruptly and stopped kissing me. I took another look at him. The
dreamy blue reappeared on his face. I resumed kissing on his face and
murmured to his ear:
"I really like you. I will do whatever you like."
That worked as magic. He got more excited. I came with the help of his
mouth work. Then I helped to give him a hand job and he quickly shot his
load too. After the shower, we laid down again. This time he did not fall
asleep immdiately. We started chatting. I asked him not to call me General
Manager Chen, but just Han Dong, meaning defending Chairman Mao. I told him
a little about myself. He seemed pleased and relaxed to listen to it. I
felt I needed to explain something to him.
"It is fate that we got to know each other. But you are too young. I
feel a little guilty. In fact this is nothing in the West. But here I can
be prosecuted. Well, we need to be discreet. This is just between you and
me. Don't let others know. Besides, voluntary is the nature of this
game. We will be together if we get along. We'll quit when there is no
feeling any more."
He listened carefully but did not speak a word.
"Matter of fact, it is too embarassed to play with someone you know
too well." I laughed and kind of hinted. He was sort of like the kind of
girl who just fell in love. I was afraid he was becoming too serious.
I asked him out and did it with him two more times after our second
time together. Every time it felt just great. But I still made no progress
on bed with him. I really did not want to force him into anything. The
greatest fun involved both parties feeling great. I was patient and got
more interested because of his reluctance to try new things. He never asked
for money from me. Nor did he talk about himself. I did not ask either. It
was Liu Zheng who asked him for me whether he needed money. He said he was
fine for the current semester. With the scholarship and money from two
tutoring jobs he could survive.
One day after we finished love making, I pointed to a big pile of bags
in the closet and told him they were clothes I bought for him. He answered
without saying thanks. The follwoing morning he woke up at 6 and said he
had a class at 8. I said I would drive him to school. He said no
thanks. Buses are fast enough. I asked him to take the clothes I bought for
him. He hesitated a bit and picked a pair of jeans and an overcoat.
He put them on and said he would leave the rest there
temporarily. After he left, I did not go back to bed. Once in the company,
I informed the secretary and Liu Zheng to tell Lan Yu that I was not in if
he called. I was feeling lucky I did not tell him my cell phone number. In
December, I went to Cheksolovania on business. I did not want to go. (I
hate to fly. For this reason many of my friends call me country man.) Well,
I went there anyway. Because I was fed up with Beijing. I dumped Hao
Mei. Her fat butt reminded me of the ice cream bars I liked and later got
sickened in my childhood. Although she hardly quarrelled with me, it took
more efforts to dump her. I stayed in Checksovania for six days and signed
the contract. After settling with the customs, I did not return
immediately. I wanted to have some fun there, but were concerned about the
sanitary conditions. I was very careful about that. Later I decided to try
my guts and fly to Hong Kong individually, having sent everyone else home
first. It was not until January that I came back to Beijing.
I did not forget Lan Yu. But nobody mentioned him to me. That year the
Spring Festival came late. Towards the end of January everybody was busy
preparing for the celebration. Noticing students and workers from other
provinces heading for the railway station with small bags in their hands
and bigger bags on their shoulders, I talked to myself: It's probably time
for Lan Yu to go home to celebrate the Chinese new year too.

Chapter Four

"I ran into Lan Yu a moment ago."Liu Zheng added carelessly after
reporting business to me.
"Where?" My heart jumped suddenly.
"You must have known Liu Hai-Guo. He started a business at the North
Village. The kid is working for him."
"Strange. Why didn't he go home for the holiday? Did he see you?"
"No. He was helping to assemble computers."
"Did he call you lately?"
"Fuck. At least 20 times."
"What did he say?" My eyes became a narrow line as I spoke.
"He just wanted to talk to you. Nothing but that. " Liu laughed as he
saw me laugh. "You're fucking playing with him, right? I thought you are
bored already."
"I'l l go find him right away. No more playing." I laughed even
harder. I didn't tell Liu why I "played" with Lan Yu. In fact, I myself
didn't know why.
Liu Hai-Guo was busy dispatching his fellows to move and assemble some
smuggled computer parts. I didn't greet him and started looking around once
inside the store.
"You want to buy a computer, sir?" a young guy greeted me warmly.
"Just take a look. I'll discuss some business with the owner later."
Seeing that I was not an ordinary customer, the guy did not dare to chat
with me more.
"You mother fucker had better watch out. Where are you moving it? Do
you know how to do it?" A typical Beijing ruffian was cursing.
"The owner told me to move it here." It was the voice of Lan
Yu. Although his voice was low, he was very insistent. This was the first
time I saw him argue with someone.
"Just leave it there. Move the other box over too." Liu Hai-Guo
ordered.
"Stupid." I heard the ruffian murmur.
Lan Yu took a look at him and silently turned around for the other box
when he saw me. He was taken aback in a few seconds and then smiled.
"You two had better hurry to open the boxes. They are blocking the
pathway." Liu impatiently urged Lan Yu and another boy with glasses to do
their job. When he turned around, he saw me.
"Brother Chen. What took you here? Long time no see." He immediately
put on a smiling face.
"I brought you business. Interested?" While I was chatting with Liu, I
was also secretly observing what Lan Yu was doing. He was busy but looked
over to my direction from time to time. He appeared to be excited.
After a while, I turned to say goodbye. Liu was puzzled. He did not
know what I was up to. I felt it was so funny. Before leaving the store, I
hinted to Lan Yu with my eyes and pointed to the dark blue BMW parked
across the street.
About ten minutes later, Lan Yu ran up to me and quickly sneaked into
the car.
"I was afraid you may be gone by now." He was still breathing hard.
"I just passed here for business. I am free now." I felt like a
hypocrit and went on to ask him:
"You are moonlighting here? Don't you want to go home for the
holiday?"
"I have decided to stay, together with a classmate. He is from
Hainan. It's too far away. The train ride will take longer than the
holiday. So he didn't go back."
We did not talk to each other for a while. I broke the silence and
changed the topic.
"Did you ask for permission from your boss to come out here?"
"I did. He said no. I told him I had an emergency. He then started
calling me name. I said I quit. And here I am." He smiled happily. I smiled
too. He added:
"Beijingers seem to be hot tempered and look down upon people from
other provinces."
"Are you talking about me? I am a Beijing native after all." I laughed
harder.
"I remember you said you are from outside of Beijing." He said
seriously. An old saying suddenly came to my mind that "don't lie in front
of kids". I could not help laughing loudly and did not comment on his
remarks.
Just as the car was about to leave the North Village, Lan Yu stopped
me.
"Could we go to my school? I need to get changed. My 'uniform' is too
dirty." That was a nylon cotton coat. It was indeed very dirty.
"Cars are allowed in only through the South Gate. Do you know how to
get there?"
"NU and CU are neighbors. I spent four years here. How can I not
know?"
The campus of CU is big but not as scenic as NU. I parked the car in
front of Dorm 8 and he hurried inside. I was puzzled. He really is a
student here. He is not a liar. If he doe not want me know something, he
just keeps silent. It is rare to get to know people like him nowadays.
Compared to him, 95% of what I said was lies. But so what? As the saying
goes, no cheating, no business.
When he reemerged, he looked like a completely different person. A
pair of loose jeans was matched with a greyish blue overcoat, with front
buttons untied. The out-turned collar and sleeves were deep
coffee-colored. This was exactly what he wore when he left from my place
last time. He appeared to have washed his face. There were still water
drops left on his eyebrows and hair on his forehead. I had to squeeze the
steering where and suddenly felt swollen.
"I dare not wear this at school. I would look too different from
others. One a foreign student approached me in Japanese when I was wearing
this."
Like before we made love wildly. We kissed, hand jerked each other,
exchanged blow jobs and then ejaculated respectively. Afterwards Lan Yu was
lying on his side on my bed, watching the gay movies I just obtained from
the USA. The two handsome young studs were making love in full swing. I
handed him a drink. He raised his eyes, looked at me and asked:
"Are you angry with me because I did not take all the clothes you
bought me?" His voice was apologetic.
"You think I'm still an elementary school student? Is it worth my
being angry?" I tried to hide my true feeling by laughing if off.
"I did it for just one reason. I am afraid you would think I come to
you just for the money."
"I never though like that." He was so pure that I was lost for words.
He turned back to the TV sceen, still lying on his side. I moved a
bit to get the lubricant at the pillow side and applied a lot on my own
penis and some inside his anus. His muscle trembled slightly.
"It felt a bit cold there. His back was facing me as he spoke.
I hinted that he should raise his upper leg a little bit. I tried to
thrust my penis inside him. It was quite hard to do it in this
position. But he had been lying on his side. I did not want to ask for too
much at a time. My "fellow" just went in about an inch and slipped out. On
the screen the younger guy had been fucked so bad he was moaning
wildly. Lan Yu turned his face to me, looking strained and excited. I asked
him to spread his legs and kneel at the bedside with his shoulders tugged
low. This is the easiest position for me to do him and it looked a little
degrading, especially for a first timer. I slowly moved my penis inside
him. He grasped the bed sheet firmly, not letting out a single sound. When
I was completely inside him, he grasped even firmer and moaned so quietly
that it was almost indetectable. It felt great! The reaction was not only
from the sex organs. I was deeply touched and almost driven wild by his
bearing it painfully. I wanted to grind in and out as slowly as I could so
as to ease his pain. However, I was so carried away by the feeling that I
could not help shouting:
"Ah ... I've been missing you everyday. I miss you so much, so much!
This is fucking ..." I could care about nothing but fervently thrusting in
and out. Even with the lubricant it was still very tight. One of hands
subconsciously got hold of his "fellow" and helped jerking him ... ...
"Mmm ... " He was making the sound of depressed excitement again. I
suddenly felt my hands wetted and his penis violently trembling. My God! He
came before me. I then could not stop shooting my load.
I was certain he did not dislike anal sex. He was just feeling that
his self-esteem as a man was harmed, just like a girl losing her virginity,
maybe even more disheartened. I began to like him genuinly. Anal sex is
simply one of many ways to make love. It is very common among gay men. Did
he understand this?
This boy was too pure, too silent and too intraverted.
It was almost the Spring Festival. Every employee of mine could not
focus on the job. I was sharing their sentiment. Lan Yu was with me almost
everyday. We did not stay in the hotel all the time. A steady male
companion tend to arouse suspicion. I took him to one of my residences at
the 'Temporary Village'. It was a two bedroom, one living room
apartment. He liked it and said he felt more at home there than in the
hotel. I often took him with me when I was out for fun. But there were not
too many fun places in Beijing. We mostly went to the hotels that
facilitate disco dancing, Karaoke, bowling, 'massage' and swimming. I had a
wicked idea deep in my mind. I would teach him how to indulge in the
luxurious lifestyle and fancy it and consequently his 'pride' would vanish.
He was still moonlightling the two tutoring jobs. He told me the kids
were children of his teachers at CU. He had made promises. Quiting would
make him lose face. I urged him not to look for other odd jobs any
more. He hesitated but consented silently. What was he thinking about? Did
he have enough for the next semester?
"I thought you are Monkey King, who was born by jumping from the rock.
" I was curious about his family background.
He smiled reluctantly: "My mom died a few years ago and dad
remarried. I don't want to see the step mother. Nor does she like to see me
home."
"How is your dad doing?" I wanted to know more.
"He is doing all right. The three of them are fine. I have a
three-year-old sister ..." Reappeared in eyes was the touching and deep
worry, as if he was recalling something. He stopped right there.
On the Chinese new year's eve, I insisted that he come to my family
get-together party. This was risky but I really cared for him. My family
was friendly to this 'younger brother of a friend of mine', especially my
mom. She was warm-hearted, kind of like me. My two younger sisters were
hypocritic and cold, like my dad. Lan Yu later told me he did not expect
the warmth from a high-ranked government official's family like ours. I
told him that was because the big daddy had lost his power and became
useless. But he said I still should be satisfied.
It was almost 12 midnight. Fire crackers were beginning to produce a
lot of noise outside. As I was watching Lan Yu and the husband of the
eldest younger sister light the fire crackers, I talked to myself: they
would have killed me if they had known my relationship with Lan Yu.

Chapter Five
 I was lucky from the beginning of the spring that year. First I made
some handsome money in business. Then I got to a know and befriended a
high-ranking official who I could depend on doing business with in the
future and would definitely brought me a brighter future. In addition I
aquainted with a drummer.
School had started. Lan Yu became busy again. He would come to me once
a week. I gave him a deposit book with 20 ,000 yuan before the semester
started. He looked at it and said:
"I still have 600 left from the 1000 I took from you last time."
"Don't be too frugal. Be in a spending mood whenever you feel like
it." I paused to say:
"Just treat it as a loan to you. Repay me after you graduate. The
interest is high though." I joked.
He took it reluctantly.
"Fuck. He's sick." I secretly cursed.
The drummer was by the name of Zhang Jian. He was OK looking but
absolutely top of the line in terms of his skills in bed. I was very
willing to accept him. He would even gladly went to take the physical exams
at my request.
He would like to put on some light makeup before doing it. He
particularly liked to put on some velvet-colored eye shadows. I did not
like that part to be honest. I like man because he is a man, and I like
woman because she is a woman.
But Zhang Jian did not go farther to be sickening. He also liked
darker environments. He showed double sides when performing the
act. Sometimes when he was well into the situation, he would stare at me
tenderly and flirt with me. He would lick me with his tongue and looked as
tender as a pool of still water. He would let me do whatever I wanted to
him, stroking, nipping ... It was really thrilling. He would lick every
inch of my skin and straighten up my public hair with his tongue. It did
not hurt at all. It just felt wonderful. Then he would suck my balls into
his mouth, his teeth never touching my balls. He would flirt with his
tongue and then move to my prick. He could swallow my whole long and thick
pride in one endeavor . What a hot throat he got! He would patiently play
with it up and down. Every time I was in his mouth, I would not stand too
long and would push him away before I came.
However some other times he was as wild as the insane. We would keep
changing positions. I seldom did blow jobs to him. But he would rim the
neighborhood of my anus that made me ticklish. I hate to be fucked and this
unreciprocal habit hurt quite a few "partners". Fortunately, Zhang Jian did
not care. He preferred to be fucked. Everytime we finished he was always
kneeling in front of me with his back facing me and his hip raised high to
greet my "fellow". I would have a strong desire to conquer. Fucking a
woman is nothing. I could dominate a man also like eating a piece of
cake. I liked Zhang Jian's expression when he climaxed. He would never
constrain himself. He would moan, shout, speak incomprehensible words,
sweat wildly and jerk hisbody constantly.
"Fuck me! Fuck me to death!! Oh Yeah!" were his favorite words.
If he happened to get hold of any of my body part, he would pinch it
so hard to make it bleed ... until he came. I had a special sense of
achievement when he did that to me.
 In the morning, I woke up still sleepy and noticed Zhang Jian staring
at my body with a smile. My body was covered with his lipstick prints. He
was fond of putting on burgundy-colored lipsticks and then kissing me all
over.
"You fucking pervert." I yawned.
He would act immediatly like a spoiled child and collasped into my
embrace. He told me that I was great in bed and that it was even better
than playing drums. He also said musicians who had no such experience would
not produce good music.
"Bullshit." I ridiculed privately.
Towards the end of April, I began to miss Lan Yu dearly for quite a
few days. When I could wait no more I called to his dorm. (I wanted to
equip him with a cell phone, at least a pager. But he did not like to be
that flashy at school.) It took him five minutes to answer the phone. But
he said he would have his midterms the following week and that he would
come on the Saturday after the exams. I was kind of disappointed. I was not
used to being refused.
.....
"This position looks exciting. Let's try it tonight." Zhang Jian said
to me pointing at the TV.
In the movie, a boy on top was trying to sit on the asshole of the boy
at the bottom. What a difficult move!
"I went to inspect the drum set. It was terrific. It was German
import." Zhang Jian continued. He had been asking for a set of drums worth
4000 US dollars. He asked for a lot of other stuff from me before,
including a car, which I had not agreed.
The door bell rang. It probably was the dinner delivery guy. Zhang
Jian ordered two Western dishes. He worshipped the West and would eat only
Western food. I really didn't know how tasty the food could be.
"I'll get it." Zhang Jian headed for the door casually wearing only
his sleeping gown.
"I'm here for Chen Han-Dong." It was Lan Yu's voice.
"Fuck." I was taken aback. Putting on an overcoat I hurried to the
door.
Lan Yu fixated his eyes on me. There was no anger, just confusion.
Zhang Jian deliberately glanced at Lan Yu despisingly, turned to give me a
shot of smile and headed back to the bedroom.
I wanted to push Lan Yu to the outside and talk to him with the door
closely shut from behind. But I also tried not to lose face. He was still
standing there while I was inside.
"Why did you come now? How come you did not call before hand?" I
sounded like scolding him.
"I told you I would come the Saturday after the exams." He said every
word clearly.
"You should have called anyway." I completely forgot but tried to
sound as if it was his fault.
"It didn't occur to me ... You are busy. I'll go back to school." He
hesitated a moment and left.
I intended to pull him back and explain something but did nothing
after all. That night I could get hard no matter what. Zhang Jian ridiculed
me for not scheduling my activities properly.
After no contact for a month, I could not stand it any more. I did
not ask for Liu Zheng's help either. I was not sure why. I just did not
want to get others involved. It was Lan Yu who called first.
"How are you?" I had to grasp this chance to win him back.
"Not bad." He had learned to speak Beijing dialect.
"Are you feeling OK?" I asked tenderly.
"Yep!"
"Still busy with school work?"
"Not really."
"I have been concerned about you ..." This was true, but I meant to
touch him by it.
"... ..."
"Is the summer break coming up soon?"
"Yes."
I felt I needed to make some progress and could not hang up just like
that. So I shut the office door and lowered my voice:
"I miss you dearly. I have never been like this before. I told you to
trust your feelings. You may be disgustful of me. But I ..." I sighed, "We
can at least be good friends. You don't have a home here. I took you home
once. I genuinly treat you like a younger brother." I exaggerated a bit.
He kept quiet but did not hung up. I went on to say:
"I am living at the 'Temporay Village' alone." I lied.
I told him I would be home at 6 that night. He did not commit himself
and said a schoolmate was waiting for his turn at the phone. He then hang
up. I was not sure he would show up or not but headed for the 'Temporary
Village' early anyway.
He came at around 7, looking just like the first time I saw him,
stern-faced and worried. He entered the room and sat on the sofa. We were
both feeling self-conscious. I was calculating how to relax him. So I sat
on the sofa too, searching for ice-breaking remarks.
He reached one of his hands over for mine. Without looking at me, he
concentrated on stripping me. He acted too abruptly that I had trouble
reacting to it. Subconsciously I glanced at his bulging crotch.
Having taken off my clothes, he began silently kissing me all over. He
then raised his head, his eyes full of expectations and questions. I could
not control my impulse any more and violently embraced him and kissed him
madly. I had never been so excited kissing someone like this before. I
could hardly see anything. We kissed for a long time that we were almost
suffocated. I also began to lick every inch of his skin, which sent forth a
light smell of soaps and a body smell only young man had. I wanted to feel
him but my hands trembled too much. So I could only tightly groped his
shoulders in an almost rude manner. I sucked him on his penis. He silently
enjoyed it, his eyes closely shut. I paused a second and reached out to
gently pinch his chin. He opened his eyes and looked into me nervously but
infatuatedly. My blood was boiling and went right back to give him the blow
job of his life ......
"Han-Dong" He suddenly shouted my name with a trembling, short and low
voice.
I withdrew from him right away, followed immediatly by jerking him
with my hand. A load of hot, white cum was ejaculated ... ... I followed
suit unexpectedly.
It was wild making love with both Zhang Jian and Lan Yu but in a
different way. With the former it was more physical while with the latter I
had to use my entire consciousness.
After we finished that day. Lan Yu said he was very tired and needed a
sleep. It was then that I noticed that he was looking very weary, not the
kind a seven or eighteen year old boy should have. Before he fell asleep he
joked sleepily that he was neither a man nor was he becoming a ghost. My
heart sank suddenly ......
That morning I did not go to the company. He skipped school too. We
had our very first oral argument.
... ...
"Didn't I tell you not to be too serious?" I screamed.
"Why are you so serious then?" His voice was low but his words were
right on target.
"As I said, we have to be happy when we are together. Otherwise just
forget it." I changed the topic. This was a threat. I knew it was his
weakness.
"Are you treating me like a ... ..." He was probably searching for an
appropriate word.
"I've treated you like as friend, a younger brother. I repeat. Don't
be so dubious like a woman."
I was in lousy mood the whole day. Lan Yu went back to school. I was
thinking who the hell he thought he was. He was just a kid. He still needed
me to support him. How could he command me? I did not want to go to the
company. So I asked a few friends to go karaoke together and drink some
wine, accompanied by two girls. We then played a few rounds of Majiang. I
won over 4000 yuan. We played all the way until 3 in the morning. I had a
fun time and forgot about all the unpleasant experience during the day.
I kept on dating Lan Yu, sometimes very frequently. We only did it in
the room at the 'Temporary Village'. He did not mention that day again. We
made love as much as we liked. Occasionally I would ask for anal sex. He
never refused.
I felt that the biggest difference between men and women is that women
make love with you because you are talented, wealthy or dependable. Sex for
them is like a reward they give their men. Whereas men make love for love,
acting out of their most primitive desire.

Chapter Six

The hot summer has come again. Most businesses have entered the slow
season except for the clothing dealers, who sell extremely well. I planned
to take Lan Yu to Southeast Asia and Hong Kong with me for sightseeing in
the pretense of business. I even approached my contacts at the immigration
bureau, who agreed to help issue Lan Yu a passport in three days without
informing his school. Imagine how mad I was when he told me he found a job
at a construction site for the summer break!
It was scorching outside. I could hardly step out at all and therefore
was forced to stay inside my house. The weather forecast said 38 degrees. I
suspected it may be 40. Lan Yu went to the construction site from 1 a.m. to
10 p.m. everyday. His excuse was he worked the day shift out of the only
two shifts they had. His face is not white to begin with. After a few days
he began to look no different from a black. I could not bear it any
more. We had a quarrel once again.
 "Why in the hell are you working like this? You think you will be a
construction worker in the future?"
"It helps to have the experience at the construction site."
"How much can you earn?"
"One grand in two months."
"One grand!" I ridiculed. "The 'chicks' in the hotel ask for two grands
per session!" I shouted without much thinking. "Besides, how can you stand
the physical torture in the heat? Twelve hours a day outdoor!" I kept
shouting at him having heard no response. " Didn't I give you 20 grand?
Isn't that enough?"
"I am about to return the money to you. Don't you think that 20 grand
will buy me for a few months with you?" He was extremely sensitive. I
wanted to hit him. He was so ignorant. I got really angry. "You are fucking
looking for a punch! You think too low of yourself!"
He kept silent for a while and raised his eyebrows to look at me: "You
have a lot more "chicks" at the "Country Brother", right?"
God! He was still jealous. "None of your business!" I stared back at
him angrily. Matter of fact I had not seen Zhang Jian in a month.
"Then don't mind my business either!" He was still insistent.
The fight ended nowhere. He said he wanted to go back to the
construction site and I told him not to come back again. But he still came
back to the "Temporary Village" every night at almost 11. He looked
exhausted but I did not sympathize. After the shower, I began to feel and
tease him. Though tired, he was also young and got excited fast. But he
could not last long and wanted to end in a hurry. It only took him a few
seconds to fall sound asleep after he came. Looking at him beside me, I did
not know whether I should pity him or hate him.
One day I found a deposit book in the pile of Lan Yu's books. It was
the 20,000 Yuan I gave him. There was no record of cash withdraw.
"Damn it, Lan Yu. You thought if you do not take my money, I will look
up to you and I am not playing with you with money. Wrong! I will play on
for free! I am not a gentleman." I thought angrily. I have never been so
angry with a money boy like this before.
That night he was back at a little over 10 and looked pale. One of his
fingers was wrapped with a bandage. He said it was cut by glass. I ignored
him until he came back onto bed from shower. I put my hands between his
thighs and started stroking up and down.
"I am too tired today, Han Dong. Let's do it tomorrow." He begged.
"I've been missing you the whole day!" I ignored his request completely
and kept on kissing him.
He closed his eyes lying there and letting me feel all over him. Seeing
he was about to fall asleep, I pushed hard, "Wake up, Hey! Wake up. You
boring."
He opened his eyes. I started to kiss him again. He kissed me back
reluctantly. In a few seconds, his cock got erected. I sat on his face and
knelt in front of him asking him to give me a blow job. He did a good
job. Seeing that I still had not come, he suggested anal sex " Try me from
behind."
"No. I'll see if you can make me come this way." I teased him.
He suddenly jumped up in good spirit and started kissing me with a
smile on his face. He was trying hard to look lovely and pleasing. After a
few minutes we almost climaxed at the same time.
 I went to the restroom at midnight. The clock said 2 a.m. I washed my
face and returned to bed.
Flipping over Lan Yu, who was sound asleep, I crawled on top of him. He
was waken up.
" What are you doing?" He grumbled impatiently.
" I can't sleep. Have some fun with me."
"Go back to sleep. I have to go to work tomorrow."
"It's almost 7. You don't have much time left." I lied to him.
"It's still dark!" He then covered his head with a pillow, pushed me
away and went back to sleep.
I got up, turned on the small TV in the bedroom and played a porn
movie. I turned up the volume and then lit a cigarette. Even I felt that I
was behaving strangely.
He stirred a few times and was finally waken up. Looking at the TV
without emotion, he was still not responding to me.
"You are so young. Why are you not as active as an "Old Comrade" as me?
Too bad. Don't you want to make me unable to get hard?" I began teasing
him.
He yawned and smiled lightly still looking sleepy but astonishingly
obedient. I intended just to make fun of him but by then I got genuinely
excited. I pulled him over to my shoulder so as to feel him easily. He was
aroused again. It was easier than playing with an exhausted woman. In a few
minutes both of us came.
We could not go back to sleep. He looked outside.
"It's still so dark."
"It just 3. Go back to sleep. I'll wake you up."
"You bastard ... !" He smiled and uttered a newly learned Beijing
dialect of cursing.
We chatted and watched TV and did not sleep until over 5. I vaguely
heard him cleaning up in the morning. He had the door shut, perhaps afraid
to wake me up. I heard him gently shut the door and step out.

Lan Yu didn't come back until 11:30 that night. His handsome face
looked thinner and tanner. He said he fell asleep on the bus and was taken
to the final stop. He had to take a taxi to come back. I didn't realize he
went to work by bus everyday. I hated his stubbornness. He was so tired
that he went to sleep without taking a shower, with dust and sweat all
over. I felt sickened.

"Get up! Get up! Go take a shower! Don't act like a

construction worker." I reached out to him.

He murmured something unpleasant and walked into the bathroom

sleepishly. It took him no more than five minutes inside and he went
straight to bed afterwards. Observing all his moves, I could no longer
suppress my desire to torture and revenge and shouted.

"Lan Yu. I feel we are done. Let's break up. You might
as well be a good student and a decent man. Go find a girlfriend and stop
fooling with me."

He frowned slightly, raised his tired eyes to look at me, sitting on

the bed looking puzzled.

"Go to Liu Zheng if you need money. He'll give it to

you." I meant to irritate him.

He looked confused and puzzled and did not say a word.

"I never play this for over a year. We've been together
for long enough. I'm fed up with you." I was thinking it
would be more exciting to see him cry like a girl and fight with me
hysterically.

But he kept his silence.

"I am going out tonight. You pack up your stuff tomorrow and
don't ever come back." I was afraid that I would be too
carried away by my cruelty to him. So I dared not take another look of him
and walked out, shutting the door heavily.

It was very hot outside. But I was on a ball. I had finally let out
the anger accumulated over the past few days. I drove around the Sixth Ring
aimlessly, my mood becoming lousier.

... ...

Since Lan Yu left, I did not go back to live at the

"Temporary Village" and was in no mood to stay at the hotel.
Instead I went back to my parent's place for a few days. Mom figured
out that I was unhappy. That night, dad went to see an old friend. Sis waw
out on a date. I was alone with mom at home. I was enjoying the fried
cucumbers she cooked.

"Dong, how come you come back and stay here in the past few
days?"

"'cause I miss you and dad." Since I became an

adult, I have never been talking seriously with mom and always tried to
please her.

"Did you break up with your girlfriend?"

"No way. She's hard to be driven away."

Mom smiled. She knew her handsome and wealthy son never had trouble
finding girls.

"I heard from Liu Zheng that you've got a girl friend
named Hao."

"Right. She is still nagging at me."

"Zhang Hai-Hong came over to see you yesterday. Her father

has just been promoted to be in charge of foreign trade this year."

"Why do you like that ugly girl so much? I will never sell
myself to someone in exchange for her family background. There are plenty
of good girls out there."

"I don't care about who you date. Don't wait

any longer. It's time to get settled. Liu Zheng is a good
example. What a happy family he's got." Mom went to the kitchen to
command the maid. I was thinking about mom's
words. "Don't care about who you date?" She would be
crazy if she found out I was dating Lan Yu.

I began to get the feeling that my affair with Lan Yu was too absurd
and too abnormal. How can I fall in love with a boy? I am sure I am a
normal man, only a little playful. It's the right time that we break
up like this now. It's good for both of us.

However, I could not help missing him.

Chapter 7

The affair with Lan Yu vexed me a lot. But business these days gave
me a bigger headache. I couldn't get rid of quite a few import cars
obtained from underground sources. Because of the policy change, I must
sell them by the next Spring Festival, even if it meant losing money. At
noon Saturday, I was about to leave when Liu Zheng told me that Lan Yu had
not gone to the construction site for a week.

It had been two weeks since we broke up. At first I was surprised he
was still working at the construction site and amazed at the calmness he
handled the sudden change in life. Now that I found out he was no longer
working there, I became a little puzzled. When it was about dawn, I called
his school. Maybe because it was the summer break, I waited ten minutes
before someone answered the phone. But I was told nobody was in Room 815
and that everybody went home for the break. That night I originally planned
to meet some potential buyers of the cars. But I changed my mind and
decided to go to CU.

Once inside Building #8, I was greeted with a bad odor, something I
haven't experienced in a long time. I started to get recollections of my
college years when the public restrooms in the boys' dorm smelled
horrible. It was dark in the lobby but I managed to find Room 815. I
knocked on the door but there was no response. I knocked a few more
times. Still nobody answered. I was a little disappointed. Just as I was
about to leave, I accidentally turned the door handle and found that it was
not locked.

It was pitch dark and dead silent inside. In the moonlight I could
vaguely figure out the eight beds and a long table in the middle. Suddenly
I noticed there seemed to be someone lying on the lower bed by the
window. I was too stricken by a strong fear to move forward.

"Lan Yu! Lan Yu!" I attempted to call hastily but heard no answer.

I was even more panic-stricken. Having to suppress my fear, I moved to

the bedside. It was him. Although I could not see clearly, I could tell for
sure it was Lan Yu. I had never been so fearful in my whole life. I managed
to calm down and reached out to feel his face. It was not as icy cold as I
imagined. In fact it was boiling hot. I then looked for his hands and felt
his pulse. It was weak and hasty. I heard his breath. He was still alive. I
sighed a breath of relief. I wanted to lift him off the bed but failed. So
I rushed to the corridor and shouted:
"Anybody here? Can anybody help?"

"What's wrong?" Out went two heads simultaneously

from one of the dorm rooms.
"Do me a favor. We've got to send this student to the
hospital." I said.
They were discussing among themselves as they helped me get Lan Yu up
from his bed.
"Which class does he belong to?"
"Construction Class 7. His name is Lan Yu. He did not go home
this break."
"I see. Isn't he the guy who dresses like a Japanese? He
seems to have relatives in Beijing."
"Maybe. He is not very sociable, a quiet kind of guy."
"Are you his relative?" Asked one of the boys.
"I am his big brother." I was in no mood to listen to
their gossip.
It was over 9 p.m. The ER room at the Third Hospital was still pretty
crowded. A young elegant glass-wearing female intern doctor gave Lan Yu a
thorough examination.
"Why did it take so long before you took him here?" the
intern said softly in dissatisfaction. It sounded as if there were no hope.
Looking at Lan Yu's tightly-shut eyes and dry, white lips, I
almost lost control. Tears began to develop in my eyes as I was holding one
of his hands.
The young doctor glanced at me strangely. I had to conceal my feelings.
"This is my younger brother. He is dying. How am I going to tell
my parents?"
Winning the sympathy of the young doctor, I was told he was having a
high fever and coma because of a possible throat inflammation and hw was
badly dehydrated. As she spoke her eyes were wandering on Lan Yu's
extremely exhausted but still handsome face.
That was a restless night for me. I waited at Lan Yu's bedside
and kept applying alcohol on his body to physically reduce his
temperature. I was observing the expression on his face, checking his short
and imbalanced breath and making sure the injection went smoothly. The
young doctor turned out to be very dedicated to her work and took his
temperature every half an hour. It was not until 5 a.m. that she smiled and
said that the temperature had dropped to 38 and he was no longer in
critical condition. I suddenly felt relieved and extremely sleepy. My eyes
could hardly open...
He was young after all. By noon the next day he was able to sit up and
were asking for food to eat. I took him back to the Temporary Village in
the afternoon. I turned down the AC and asked him to drink a big glass of
water. I then lay him on bed and covered him with quilt. I told him to rest
and sleep a little more. Holding one of his hands, I was sitting in bed
beside Lan Yu reading a report prepared by my assistant manager regarding a
draft contract of thirty import cars.
Lan Yu was lying on his back. In a few minutes he turned around to face
me. I could feel it when his hand rested on my penis and his feet touching
my feet.
"Stop playing. Go back to sleep." I scolded him with a smile. He did
not stop and kept stroking my `manhood'.
I lowered my head to look at him, who was smiling to me.
"You're playing dirty with me." I smiled back.
He made a further move and started sucking my penis.
I suddenly grasped his two hands, raised them, spread them apart and
firmly placed them on the pillow. I then turned over and sat on top of
him. This position looked a little like I was raping him.
"You're seeking death? You started all this. Don't blame me for being
rude." I laughed and fixated my eyes on him.
He was again showing the usual affectionate expression in his eyes
accompanied with more jubilation. "What do you want to do to me?" There was
a challenging tone in his voice.
"I want to fuck you!!" I lowered my body to kiss him as I said
ferociously. I acted very rudely...
He hardly made any noise while we made love. The more excited he was,
the less he talked. Instead he would breathe hastily. Maybe because he
just recovered from a serious illness, this time he was almost out of
breath.
I kissed his face, his neck, his chest, his public hair and his penis
... I then rudely spread his thighs and started swiftly working my way to
his private parts.
He reached into my hair and grasped there aimlessly, which made me feel
a little painfully pleasant.
I hinted for him to turn over and lie on his side with his hip pointing
up and the upper leg raised slightly. I then began to feel around his
anus. He twisted his body at the touch of my hands and licked my arms with
his tongues. He turned his head around to observe the expression on my face
obsessively.
I knew I should not fuck him when he was so weak. But my desire
overcame my sensibility ... I put on enough mouth water and slowly thrust
my penis into him ...
At the same time, I turned on my side too, holding from behind his
shoulders and wrapped my arms around his upper body. I was going all out
trying to embrace him tightly. I began to jerk my lower body. Quite
surprisingly he matched my movement by shaking his lower body
slightly. This was the only position he liked me to fuck him. Maybe because
this position made him feel less embarrassed.
I took away one of his hands which was working on his own penis and
said to him:
"Try not to shoot. You don't want to be exhausted."
 "I won't be." Not willing to heed my advice at all, he was enjoying our
wild sex.
Thanks to my fucking and his own stroking, both of us shot our loads...
He appeared exhausted, lying on bed like a dead cat and breathing
heavily. But he was in terrific spirit.
In the bathroom, I asked him to sit in the bath tub and gently helped
him clean up. We chatted about the young female doctor.
"The girl kept looking at you. I think he felt for you." I joked.
He seemed not to care. "She is too old." All of a sudden he appeared to
have remembered something and asked:
"She told me 'When you were in coma, your brother was so worried that
he almost cried out'." He was saying that with complacency and was
observing my response intentionally.
I avoided his eyesight and smiled to kid myself. I felt a little sorry:
He is too easy to be satisfied.
What he wanted was not much but was what I feared most to give.
My relationship with Lan Yu entered a brand new state. His new semester
was only one week away. Although I was still concerned over my business
deals, I tried hard to find more time to be with him. He began to take my
money and my present happily but somehow I still got the feeling that he
was doing all this to please me.
He never mentioned that day when I asked him to leave. Nor did he talk
about the hurt I brought him...
I finally found a "fool", also an acquaintance, who bought all the cars
that almost got stuck in my hands. I hate to rip off someone I know well
but this time I had little choice. I told Lan Yu about this carelessly. His
ironic response: Money can make people crazy.

The New Year's bell was ringing amid the wild sex between Lan Yu and
me. When the excitement subsided, I swore to accompany nobody but him all
my life. Sadly I broke my promise.

Chapter Eight

On February 16, I received a call from my younger sister:

"Brother, dad is dying. Come back quickly." Sister was weeping.
"When? What's wrong?" I couldn't believe my ears. Dad was scolding me
for not engaging in decent business two days ago.
"He was fine last night. But mom found out he was dying early this
morning." Sister was crying louder.
Two days later, dad passed away. He died of stroke. No matter what,
dad used to be an influential figure. His funeral and related activities
completed exhausted me. Mom was twenty years younger than dad but in just a
few days she looked much older. So I had to stay at home to comfort her.
On the weekend, Lan Yu called and asked if I would go back to the
Temporary Village. Trying to avoid the atmosphere of deep sorrow at home, I
told him I would go over.
Opening the door, I noticed that Lan Yu was read a book on the
sofa. Seeing me enter the room, he raised his head from the book and asked
with a concern:
"Is our Mom doing OK?" He used to call mom "Auntie" but I told him in
Beijing buddies call their respective mothers "our Mom".
"Surviving." I answered spiritlessly.
"Let's go to a restaurant." I added.
"Forget it. I bet you are not in the mood to eat out. I bought some
deli. Let's eat at home."
I found out that there were many cartons of food on the dining table
and a box of "Yan Jing" beer on the floor. He was very considerate.
Picking up a bottle of beer, I smiled, "We ate like this back in the
college years."
"Now is the same." He was also smiling.
After drinking a few bottles of beer, I began to feel much better. But
I could not help thinking about dad. He died too abruptly.
"He always kept a stern face at home. I felt much more comfortable
when he was not around. But now I feel so lonely." I did not know if I was
talking to Lan Yu or myself.
"I had never liked him since my childhood. He scolded me a lot, beat
me a lot on wherever he could lay his hands. After I grew up, he became
nicer to me and always tried to talk with me. But I didn't like to converse
with him. I remember the year I passed the college entrance exam and was
admitted to NU, he was so happy that he became drunk from too much
alcohol. He said among all the kids of his comrades, I was the only who
managed to go to college by passing the exams. I never felt he was good to
me. But looking back, when I first started the business, he did give me a
lot of help..."
I sipped some more beer and glanced at Lan Yu. He was listening
attentively. He was a good listener. "Before he died, he suddenly opened
his eyes. It was his last sober moment before death. He looked at everyone
of us and finally laid his eyes on me. I am sure he wanted to say
something. But he couldn't. He may really liked me deep in his heart..." I
was a bit too excited to speak on.
After a long while, I heard Lan Yu whisper:
"I think he was not too worried when he passed away, with our mom, you
and your two sisters around. He should be satisfied ... ..." He paused a
second: "When my mom died, there was nobody around her. She swallowed a
bottle of sleeping pills ... ..."
I raised my head to look at him. This was the first time he mentioned
his mother's death. She committed suicide. No wonder he never talked about
it. He looked a bit strange, sad but indifferent.
"My parents used to live in the Northwest, but they were not from the
area. My mom was from Hangzhou. My dad was from the Northeast... ..." That
explained his good looks which combined the features of both the noth and
the south, I thought.
"They were both teaching at the Engineering University. The family was
doing good when I was little. My dad liked to play a lot. He would take mom
and me to many interesting places. He taught me how to play Erhu
(two-stringed Chinese musical instrument). He led me into the world of
stamp collecting. He also did arithmatics homework together with me. I had
finished all the courses for junior middle school students by the time I
graduated from elementary school. Dad taught me everything. Mom was the
silent type. She was nice to everybody. I never heard them quarrel. The
only time was when mom complained that dad was a male chauvinist and did
not help with housework. But later she smiled and told dad "I don't want to
talk to you."
Lan Yu was wearing a sweet smile when he was talking. He drank another
mouthful of beer.
"Dad was among the first intellectuals starting to do business when the
economic reforms started. He seemed to have invented a ventilating machine
and he was hired by a township enterprise. My family suddenly became the
wealthiest on campus. We became the first few families to be able to afford
fridge and color TV. Everybody envied us ... ..." I had already guessed
the ending of the story. There were too many such stories nowadays.
"Dad was not like the other businessmen. He did not know to play with
women. He was too serious when he started to play. Before mom died I met
the other woman. She was actually pretty. But in my eyes she was the
ugliest ... ... I was twelve and insensitive about what was going on until
mom had stroke. The doctor said she was too young for that. I would go to
the hospital to see her after school but dad seldomly showed up. "
Lan Yu was drinking too much for sure. Otherwise he would not talk
this much. I did not stop him. This was a perfect opportunity to learn more
about him.
"She was released from hospital just fine. But she chose to die
anyway. She left a long letter to me and dad. She hated money and said
money can turn people into cold-hearted, selfish and ruthless animals. She
said love was the most important thing to her. She would rather die in
glory than live in dishonor." My heart sank when I heard that.
"She asked me to study hard and plan to leave EU by passing the college
entrance exams. She wanted me to be independent and be a decent man." Lan
Yu suddenly stopped and stared at me with tears in his eyes. I sensed
hatred.
"This is out of the question now." He lowered his head and played with
the beer bottle and went on to say:
"Mom could not have imagined what happened less than a year after she
died. Dad's "business" went belly up and he lost all his savings. But he
married that woman and they had a baby girl. He went back to teach at
college. Everyone ridiculed him, saying he made his first wife die and
suffered the consequence in poverty. I felt they were also laughing at me
... ..."
"That woman was pretty good to me at first. But she changed not long
afterwards. In my final year at high school, we had to take a lot of
simulation exams. Our teacher would ask us to pay for the exams. She would
fight with dad about that and said she had no money to pay for me. After I
got admitted to CU, she could not put up with me any more and told me the
salaries of dad's and hers combined could support nothing else but the
family's living expenses. Dad cared about nothing but the Go chess. He is
already a pretty advanced player." Lan Yu smiled helplessly and poured more
beer into his cup.
"Don't drink any more." I persuaded him.
He did not consent and went on to talk. "I borrowed a hundred yuan from
the uncle in Hangzhou and came to Beijing, where I bumped into Liu Zheng
and then you. " He looked at me with a smile that appeared to suggest a lot
more underneath.
"Fuck, why am I so unlucky?" He suddenly started to curse. I didn't
know if he was referring to his parents or hooking up with me.
"Stop drinking or you'll be drunk." I took away his cup while speaking.
 "I'm fine. I'm not drunk." He stood up by himself and went to the
restroom, one of his hands touching the wall.
"Nobody has been so good to me since mom died." He murmured to himself.
I thought he meant me!
... ...
A beam of striking sunlight pierced through the curtain and the bedroom
became very bright. It was 11 a.m already. We were both wide awake.
"I'm having a pounding headache. I must have drunk too much last
night." He said.
"No. You were very sober."
"I bought the beer for you. In the end it was me who got drunk." He
became self-conscious.
I did not pick up from where he started and observed him from the
side. I was studying his thick and black eyebrows, his bright eyes and his
long eye lashed.
Noticing my attention, he turned around.
"What's up?"
"Nothing. I just enjoy looking at you." I said.
"You're sick!" He blushed and sounded like a native Beijing boy.
"I AM sick. I am really sick!" I seemed to be talking to myself.
He reached over to kiss me lightly on the lips. We kissed delicately
and gently, his eyes opened and fixated on me from time to time. He then
left my mouth and began sucking my penis. I closed my eyes and began to
appreciate the dreamy swirling feeling ... ...
"Han Dong." He called my name gently.
I opened my eyes and discovered the puzzlement in his eyes. He must
have been puzzled by my enjoyment of his moves.
"Go on!" I encouraged him and closed my eyes again.
He continued his work on my penis. After a while, I suggested that he
move closer to me and let me give him a blowjob too ... ... It did not take
long for him to come.
I had not come yet. He felt guilty and asked to continue to suck me,
which I stopped him from doing. He then lay down closely beside me and
hinted anal sex.
I embraced him from behind and told him I did not want to ejaculate
and that I just wanted to hold him like that.
He did not say anything and we were staying in bed in that position
for a long time ... ...
He should not blame me. If it was me who dragged him down the first
time, this time it was him who dragged me dowm. This was destined to
happen!
I began to think of dad who died and mom who was in deep sorrow
... ...

Chapter 9

That was an eventful year. On April 15, Lan Yu told me excitedly that they
had quit school and started a fasting demonstration.
"Damn it! Are you having too much good time?" I said carelessly.
"You used to be in college. You should be concerned about the future
of our country too."
I could not help laughing hearing his innocent comment.
 "If you are genuinely concerned, you should focus on your school work
and let us take care of business." I joked him.
"You guys are borers of the country!"
"I feel lucky that it is not the "Cultural Revolution" time now. Or you
would drag me out to the street for public humiliation." I said jokingly
while driving.
He smiled too and then asked in concern.
"Will the ongoing demonstration affect your business?"
"Of course. If I could not conduct business and have no other skills
to survive, I would go begging on the street."
"I'll support you!" He smiled in complacency.
"Forget it. I'd rather be a begger." I paused and went on to advise
him in a stern voice, "Don't get involved too deeply. Mishap will come
sooner or later. Look at the example of the "Cultural Revolution". How many
people ended up unharmed?"
"I won't. I didn't even join the fasting. At best I'm an onlooker."
At that time, most students were engaging in the "Revolution". There
were also a handful of students enjoying the time off by doing their own
stuff. Lan Yu told me that there were several distinct groups of students
in his college: The TOFLE gang, the Majong Gang and the loverbirds
gang. They were the biggest beneficiaries of the "Revolution". I said he
should belong to the lover birds group, which he denied and commented that
our affair was just an indecent fling.
It was not important what our relationship was. What was important was
that we were together almost every day. The school was closed and he had
nothing to do but to make love with me on bed or go to hotels with me. I
took extra care to change places frequently. I knew several gay hangout
places in town. But I never took him there. He was like a flawless jewel to
me. I did not want others to touch it. One night we went to karaoke and I
handpicked a young and seemingly pure money girl to accompany him. But he
looked a bit tight the whole night. Once outside I asked in smile:
"What's up? Scared?"
"No. I'm not interested. I don't like it!"
"You should practise playing with girls. Or how are you going to look
for a wife later on?"
" ... ..."
I have known him well enough by now. His silence usually meant
unhappiness.
"You are still too young. You have to consider these matters in the
future." I added.
"Why do I have to get married? Isn't what we have now good enough?" He
said.
I smiled slightly and made no comments.
"Do you want to get married?" He paused for a long while and asked me
all of a sudden.
"Of course! Maybe I'll find a wife in just a few days." I meant to kid
with him.
It was already midnight. We stood at a dark, silent parking lot. There
was nobody around. I couldn't see his eyes clearly in the darkness. But I
sensed the concern and amazement in his eyes.
"Han Dong. I'm cornered!" He whispered.
We stood very close to each other. I suddenly embraced
him,tightly. "So am I." I thought. I was crazy about him. I got excited at
the smell of his young body ... ... I stuck my mouth on his, kissing him
wildly ... ... That was our first kiss and embrace outdoor in public places
... It was a pity there was no sunlight, just a dark and long night ... ...

On June 3, Cai Ming called me as I was just entering my office. He told

me with mystery and excitement. They are going to end the standoff
tonight. His message was about 99% correct. I had a similar feeling too.
I received a call from mom in the afternoon. She advised me not to step
out tonight by any means. I asked her kiddingly. Why shall I go out? I
don't want to be part of the turmoil. Hanging up the phone, I called "the
Temporary Village" right away and told Lan Yu not to go out in the
afternoon and wait for me at home. In two hours, Lan Yu called and said
that the situation was emergent tonight and that he would go to the Tian An
Men Square with a classmate of his. I was immediately alerted.
"You can't go out tonight!"
"We just want to go anf have a look. I will definitely come back
tonight."
"No, you can't go! Let me tell you something. Something big's gonna
happen tonight!"
"How do you know?"
I couldn't stand it any more but had to explain to him patiently: "The
message is 100% accurate. Don't ask me more!"
"I have to go then!" He got excited.
"Are you fucking crazy?!" I became nervous.
"I'll be back by 10. I'll take extra care." He had made up his mind. I
wondered why he was sometimes so stubborn.
Leaving everything behind, I rushed back to "the Temporary Village"
only to find him gone.
I drove my car around the city, which was a mess everywhere with a
depressing atmosphere. It was over 11 p.m. I sat tiredly at the gate of
TU. The loudspeaker was playing the Internationale and the national
anthem. A girl was advising everybody to go to the square to support the
students. The air was humid. There was not a single star in the sky. It was
extremely depressing. I kept calling "the Temporary Village". Nobody
answered.
I had no choice but to go back. I did not enter the room. Instead I sat
on the edge of the pavement. Everybody had to pass here to enter the
"Village". I kept smoking one cigarette after another. I had not eaten
anything since the afternoon. But I still did not feel hungry ... ... The
day was about to break. I became exceedingly desperate and started to call
numbly:
"Lan Yu, Lan Yu ... ..."
"I have to go find him. I don't care if I will die or not!" Thinking
like that, I was about to start my car.
From afar, someone jogged over here. It was Lan Yu. I could feel it
without looking.
His white shirt was full of blood. So was his face. I could not utter a
word at the sight.
"Facist! Barstard!" He cursed.
"What happened to you?" I was completely at loss as to what to ask.
"I was not hurt." He looked at his shirt and said. "It was all others'
blood."
Hearing this I got a swirling feeling already ... ...
He walked all the way home from "The North River". He kept telling me
everything he saw.
"When the first shot was fired, every one was running backward. I
crawled onto the ground too. After the gunshots, I noticed someone in front
of me was not moving at all. I reached out to grab him but got a handful of
blood ... ... There was a girl beside me. I wanted to take her away from
the scene. But she was too scared to move. All of a sudden, the gun shots
restarted. I jumped on top of her and protected her underneath ... ...
Pictures of the bloody scenes scanned through my brain as I was
listening to Lan Yu's account of the story. I stared at him ... I could
hardly believe someone as obedient, gracful and sentmental as him could
reach out to protect others under the gunfire.
Although we did not sleep at all the night before, we were still
excited and sleepless. He was in my embrace.
"I thought I was going to die. I was afraid I was not going to see you
again." He said.
"You selfish boy! I almost made my way to the Square. I might have died
too!"
"Are you so ... fond of me?" He uttered 'fond' so lightly as if he was
shy of saying it.
"I hated you! I wanted to kill you!"
Having said goodbye to the fear of death, we wasted no time feeling
each other. We wanted to prove with our bodies that we were still alive. I
used my face to feel his skin. It was hot and full of life. I still own
him! He was feeling me the same way and occasinally raised his head to look
at me. He liked to do this. His pretty eyes were full of enjoyment. He
stopped to kneel on the blanket. I walked off the bed and joined him on the
ground. He pulled my hip over and began to suck my penis ... ... I grabbed
him by his hair. Looking at his vivid face, I had only one thought across
my mind:
"I can't lose him! I can't! I can't!" I almost shouted out. Pushing him
onto the ground, I raised his face with both hands. Looking into his eyes:
"I love you!" I said something I never said to a woman, something I
believed to be too disgusting.
It was so natural that I said the three words. Those were the only
words I could think of at the moment ... ... We were once again inundated
in the passion of love ... ...
It was indeed love, not just "sex". I don't care what others believe.
I experienced the feeling first hand and still get excited every time I
recall the moment.
My love can be observed and heard but Lan Yu's love can only be sensed.

CHAPTER TEN

FROM JUNE to September, Lanyu had absolutely nothing to do. He wanted me

to find him a job. He said it was not for the money, just the practical
experience. I promised, on the condition that he went to a driving
school. He got a lot of designing and graphic jobs from my friends who
were operating construction companies. And he became even busier than I
was.
The day he got his driving license, I gave him a 'Lexus' as a gift. He
just laughed and said "Great!" when he accepted. That was all.
My business was not doing well. There were 'embargoes' all around. I
didn't care, because everybody was in the same boat. It was only
temporarily. But snow had to be followed by sleet at this time. One of my
warehouses caught fire. Small electrical household appliances worth over
seven million dollars were destroyed. Liu Qsing was indisputably
responsible.
I told Lanyu I was going to fire Liu Qsing when we were chatting.
"Is that worth it? You've been friends all these years." He said looking
at a visualization drawing he had just completed.
"He has gone too far. He knew this was the hardest time and he did this
to me."
"He's not directly responsible." Lanyu was still putting on the finishing
touches. He had told me it was an ink and watercolor construction
picture.
"I have known there were problems with the circuits in the warehouse and
told him to get electricians to fix it."
"Didn't you tell me that his child was seriously ill these couple of
days? He must have been too busy and it slipped his mind." Lanyu was
always on the forgiving side.
"That's his own problem. Who's going to redeem me for my loss? I'm being
quite generous for not suing him."
"You businessmen are so cold-hearted." He laughed.
"It is only profit that counts in business. You can't be compassionate.
This you must learn." I told him with a disciplinary tone.
"What about business aside? Among friends?" He asked casually.
I didn't answer. I didn't know.
"You can't recoup you loss even if you fired him. He's a nice man. If you
let him off this time, he would be extremely grateful!...Fuck! Ruined!" He
seemed to have blotched a part of his picture..
I didn't go on arguing with him. I was thinking about how I should handle
this too. I was feeling that Lanyu was influencing me in a big way. He
himself had not changed. Except having grown taller and more handsome,
and richer his technique in bed, he was the same as I had seen him the
first time.

THERE WAS a slight knock on my door and Liu Qsing slipped inside. He
never had been the one to knock.
After a moment of silence, Liu Qsing opened his mouth first:
"Han-tung, you don't have to say anything. I know I am responsible. These
few years under you, I have put away several tens of thousand dollars.
Just let this be my repayment. I just want to ask of you for one thing.
Please do not take back the house for the mean time. You know that my
brother is staying with my parents and I can't go back. Just wait till I
have found a place....or Sze-ling and Siu-wai would..." Liu Qsing was also
staying in a unit at 'Temporary Village', which was owned by my company
just like the apartment I was having.
He sounded so difficult. This was the first time things were so
embarrassing between us.
I cut him short: "This is the most difficult time for the company.
Business is no good as it is. This fire has made it even tougher. It is
difficult to go on." I deliberately exaggerated.
"I have told little Chow to type up a memo. Chiang Ming and Chiang
Shun-kuo will be laid off. They were the ones who were directly
responsible." I paused deliberately, then said: "As for you. I will
deduct three months of your salary. You will work for me for free for
three months. I hope this could be a lesson to you. Don't tell anyone in
the company. I will tell finance to deduct directly."
Liu Qsing looked surprised.
"How's Siu-wai" I asked.
"The fever has not subsided. It's been almost two weeks." He said
scowling.
"I've had someone contact the chief of internal medicine at Children's
Hospital. Make the transfer fast. That little hospital of yours is no
good."
Liu Qsing looked at me, seemingly lost. "Sze-ling has a contract linked
with that hospital. I'm afraid that a transfer is not possible."
"Never mind. Just make the transfer. The company will be responsible for
all expenses at the Children's Hospital. Don't worry about that. If
something happened to the child, it would be too late to regret it." I
told him harshly.
He didn't look up and he didn't say anything. I said again:
"You will be busy these few days. I will not ask you to work on office
hours. Just keep an eye on things for me from eight in the morning to two
in the afternoon. I'll do the work the rest of the time. People are
restless now. I can't ask anyone else to do the job."
He didn't look up for a long time. When he did, I saw that his eyes were
red and moist. He was incoherent.
".....Okay! I'm going now."
I had given out a loan of compassion. Lanyu taught me to do so. I could
never imagine that more than four years later I was to be repaid many
folds in interest.

WINTER WAS here again. And there had been heavy snow. Liu Qsing invited
me to his house to eat Szechuan hot pot, and asked me to bring Lanyu. It
was a wonderful night.
Lanyu had a way with children. He hit off just right with Siu-wai. He
pulled Lanyu into his room to see his 'Little Red Flower'. Seeing them
going into Siu-wai's room, Liu Qsing said to me:
"How nice it would be if he was a girl." I knew Liu Qsing liked to speak
his mind, so I didn't hold any grudge.
"I would not want him if he was a girl." I said tongue-in-cheek, "He
really is interesting."
"That's normal too. Even with a cat or a dog, you would have some
feelings after a long time. And he is so nice." Liu Qsing explained,
meaning well. He could not understand my feelings about Lanyu. He would
never understand.
"But, you are quite a sentimental guy too!" He laughed and said.
Liu Qsing's wife---Sze-ling was from Szechuan. She was once the belle of
the school, and she had 'stooped' to marry Liu Qsing. Sometimes, looking
at their loving ways, I was almost envious. She was well brought up, was
hospitable and proper. She must be aware of the thing about Lanyu, but
she did not have that attitude of curiosity, scrutiny or discrimination
at all, whatever she was thinking deep down, she treated him just like
she would treat a casual friend on the surface. Very late at night, when
Siu-wai had gone to bed, the four of us drank and chatted. We were a
little inebriated, and I took Lanyu's hand, which he had placed on the
table, out of habit and put it on my lap. I just held on to his hand and
chatted on, and none of us minded this. This was a feeling of acceptance
that had never surfaced before. I didn't want them to pretend and to hide
their feelings. Everything was so natural and in harmony now.
Outside, the cold snow was still falling...

"THE FIRST of May' was the labor-day festival and on top of that it was
the anniversary of the school. Lanyu had close to a week of holiday. Our
trip to the Southeast Asia was finally realized. We had a very good time.
Nobody knew us there. We could even be real close on a main street. I had
always thought it would be more fun and exciting to change sexual
partners constantly. I had never thought that there could be happiness
with a steady partner. Even the strong urge to possess and the jealousy
were invigorating.
Once, in a restaurant, I went to the toilet. When I returned, I saw Lanyu
gazing at a very handsome Singapore boy. I walked over and slapped him on
the head hard. He was sheepish. I told him I would not allow him to like
anybody else, not even a glance only, or I would kill him. His face was
very red and he didn't say anything for a long time. Afterwards, he tried
to please me the whole night.
Actually he was more sensitive and critical than I was, and it was
getting more and more serious. If he saw me talking to a beautiful boy or
girl, he would become sultry and silent, and I had to pamper him to cheer
him up. And if I wanted to do something 'unfaithful', I must be very
careful and cautious, I could absolutely not let him find out. But I
didn't complain.
Though I had Lanyu as a steady companion, I did not give up entirely
sleeping with women. I went to bed with them not because I liked them or
needed them physically. It was a mental need. I wanted to prove that I
was a normal man.
I remember once when we went to see a show featuring sex change men. He
asked me what was the difference between them and women. I told him they
were all men, with most of them retaining their private parts, while
others had them removed surgically. He said that was too disgusting. I
asked him if he wanted to get one of them to play with. He looked at me
startled and said, "Are you sick?"
I knew Lanyu had very conservative and traditional values, but I was not
clear as to how he viewed what he was doing now. I never discussed our
relationship with him, but I felt that both of us thought it was
certainly not normal.
China at that time was more backwards. It was difficult for us to find a
channel to properly understand our feelings. Besides, we were
unconsciously avoiding trying to understand it.

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____
 CHAPTER ELEVEN

AUGUST. I went to the US with a team of tradel representatives. I had not

been that interested because I had very little business concerning the
US. Unexpectedly, I landed a big buyer there and I started to be in the
textile business. When the American asked me about 'quotas', I told the
interpreter that it was just a small dish and the interpreter told the
American it was peanuts.
I had thought I could stay there for a few more days and to have some fun
in Las Vegas and LA. But my mind was not on it. Because I had been there
before, and because I missed Lanyu. I particularly missed him. I wanted
to go home alone...
At the airport in Beijing, I could spot Lanyu a long way off. After the
summer, he was a little bit more tanned and was even more attractive. He
was wearing a pair of blue shorts, with a loose-fitting gray T-shirt
without collar. Several small buttons were on the top of the T-shirt,
undone casually. I could see his smooth, healthy and youthful skin and I
was hot all over, and my heart thumped. His hair was a bit long, parting
not so neatly in the center and loosely rolled down his forehead. This
was the hairstyle I wanted him to have. He had not liked it, saying it
made him look like a Taiwanese. But he would always do what I liked
coming to this kind of things. He stood there quite outstanding. Two
girls were coming out with me and they all had eyes on him. He saw me and
waved to me...
We were hardly out of the airport when I almost couldn't control my lust.
I looked at him with 'that kind' of feelings in my eyes. I deliberate
moved close to him when we were getting the car and placing my luggage in
the boot. I even brushed him with my face. His breath started to quicken
too. We were silent in the car. He gripped the steering wheel tightly,
looking ahead, but his heart must be thumping too. I reached out and
placed my hand gently on his crotch, kneading slowly. He was very hard.
"Don't, Han-tung. Please let me drive properly." He said flustered.
I continued to feel him. I knew he was a man of strong self-control. He
would keep his mind on driving. "I want to torment him, until he could
take it no longer!" I thought with excitement and insanity.
He stopped the car in front of a hotel. I asked:
"What are you doing?"
"I can't drive home!" he said looking at me.
We didn't say anything anymore. We quickly went into the lobby, got
ourselves a room. The moment the door closed, Lanyu embraced me fiercely,
and pressed his lips onto mine, kissing me with fervor. I held him too
and kissed him...I reached under his clothes to feel him. I could feel his
broad chest and smooth backside. I pushed him on the bed and started to
tear away his clothes. I started tearing at the opening where the undone
buttons were. I wanted to see that body of his that made me lose control.
I yanked at his shorts, not caring about the belt and zipper scratching
his skin and whether this would hurt him. He was so beautiful, the body
of a fully matured man but still a little boyish. I didn't wait to see
his expression. I just wanted to strip him naked. I wanted to possess
him. That handsome boy at the airport for whom I had given too much, he
was mine!!...
I again knelt on top of him, my hands grabbing his hair, delivering my
big penis into his mouth. Maybe I thrust too hard and too deep. He
gagged. But he was still looking at me with that obsessed expression...
I let him rolled over to kneel on the bed. I held him down hard, so that
his face was pressing against the sheet. I didn't even apply any saliva.
I just rammed my penis hard inside. Because of the lack of lubricants, my
penis felt pain. I pulled and thrust with vigor. I was still a little
painful, but the more painful the greater I felt...
"Oh...oh! Lanyu!" I finally ejaculated in extreme excitement.
He was so tired too he just slumped on the bed. He had still not
climaxed. He looked at me and smiled helplessly:
"It hurt too much. Never hurt so much before. It hurt so much I broke
into a sweat." He said gasping for breath.
I crawled to his side. I took him in my arms, and said kissing him:
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!...But I missed you so much, I just couldn't get a
hold of myself." I was a little sorry knowing that he had been in such
pain.
"I thought you wanted to kill me!" He was not happy but he was not angry
either.
I started to lick him and to suck him. My mouth was busy and my hands
were caressing his body. After a while, I stopped and looked up:
"You want to do it from behind?" I meant him doing anal sex to me.
He was surprised, "I've never tried that!"
"Neither have I! My first time, I'll let you try it." My mind was set.
I'd do anything as long as it made him happy.
I taught him to apply ample saliva on his penis, then I went on all fours
as he had done. I felt him trying to thrust in hesitantly.
"Harder, you have to be harder!" I was like teaching a child to do
something.
He really thrust harder and it was inside in a jiffy.
It hurt! It really hurt! I didn't like it at all. But I tolerated it. He
could tolerate for me, why could I not? He finally ejaculated. I felt
like wanting to go to the toilet.
"Like it?" I asked him afterwards.
"Not as good as when you did it with your mouth and your hand." He said.
Good, I was really glad that he felt that way. This was the first time I
had experienced being fucked. I didn't like it though I didn't regret it.
Half an hour later, we started to do it again. We did it real gentle this
time. We sucked and masturbated each other...Both of us felt real good...I
couldn't remember how many times we did it that day. I only remembered
that we were so tired and so hungry we didn't even have the strength to
call room service for our meal.

THE TEXTILE business was good. I planned to buy a villa at 'North Suburb'
as a home for Lanyu and me. Or just give it to him as a gift. Giving him
any gift was never too much for me.

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____
 CHAPTER TWELVE

ONE WEEKEND in October, I went swimming with Lanyu at the indoor pool of
"The Maze". That place was almost exclusive to the rich Chinese, so it
was unlike the other big hotels where foreigners would mingle and make me
uncomfortable.
Turned out Lanyu couldn't swim before. He said most people from the
northwest couldn't. But now he was a great swimmer. I had taught him. I
sat on the chair at the poolside sipping a drink and watched him moving
around in the water.
"Hey! Han-tung, what are you doing here?" It was Tsai Ming, laughing and
walking towards me. Following him was this guy who I knew was Wang
Yung-huang. Wang was only in his early twenties but already rotten to the
core.
"Oh! Just taking a rest. Been too busy lately." I answered.
"Busying about what? Messing with girls! Look at him, Alone here hiding
from the crowd." They said as they sat down.
"Not as much as you!" I laughed, "Any good deal for me?" I guessed they
must have been up to something looking me up.
"I'm the one looking for you." Said Wang Yung-huang, "I have a shipment
of steel. You want it? The best price possible."
Must have been smuggled in by armed bands, I thought.
"I want it. But paying for it with what? The Americans haven't paid me
for the whole shipload of cargoes. Stuck there!" I just lied to get rid
of him. This man was evil. He had a grandfather who had connections
reaching the top, a father who was a high ranking military official, and
a stinking rich older brother. With these people behind him, he had done
just about everything evil and getting away with it. I had had very
little to do with him.
As we talked, Lanyu got out of the water. He brushed his wet hair and
shook his head and walked towards me. His natural sunshine tanned skin
was wet and looked oily shimmering. He saw that I was talking to
strangers and smiled at me and walked to another table.
I saw Wang Yung-huang was gazing at Lanyu dazedly. He saw Lanyu smiled at
me and asked:
"Who's that? How come I've never seen him?"
"I brought him here to have fun."
"Your new recruit? You damn lucky dog!" He looked at me with amazement.
"It's nothing special." I tried to sound bored. It only occurred to me
now that this guy had the same hobby.
After a while, Lanyu went back into the water. Wang Yung-huang's mind was
not on talking to me anymore. When I was talking with Tsai Ming, he got
up and walked over to the pool.
"Yung-huang is into this too?" I saw Wang Yung-huang striking up a
conversation with Lanyu and asked Tsai Ming.
"Into this too? This is his only game. He's in real deep, don't you
know?"
I laughed uneasily and didn't say anything.
"Even he himself said that he was sick over this." Tsai Ming laughed.
In the massage room, I asked Lanyu:
"Who were you talking to at the poolside just a while ago?"
"Wasn't he your friend? You are asking me?"
"What did he say?"
"He said he was your friend and asked where I was working."
"You told him?"
"I said I was in the university."
"You better not talk to his kind. Be careful. You know what he is? He
looks like a human being but he is not!" I was quite nasty to Lanyu.
"What have I done?" He retorted, real unhappy.
I was troubled. I didn't want to have a row with that bastard over this.
Frankly, I couldn't afford to. Later I asked Lanyu if that guy had looked
him up. He said no. I was glad that this was over just like that.
Lanyu almost never stayed at school now. He said senior students were not
governed so closely. Quite a few students didn't live in the school. He
drove to school everyday, parked outside or in the area reserved for
relations, then bicycled to the classroom and dormitory.
He said that almost every schoolmate in his class knew he had an elder
brother who was unusually generous.

A WEDNESDAY in November, I came home late because I had a business deal

to discuss. It was nine. I was already home but Lanyu was not. He had
said in the afternoon that he was in the graphics room and wanted to work
till seven, and that he would be back at eight. He had usually been
punctual. I called him but there was no answer. His mobile was off. He
must not have been in his car. At eleven, I was spooked. Then the phone
rang:
"You are Han-tung? You know someone called Lanyu?" A man with thick
Beijing country accent asked.
"What happened to him?"
"He's been attacked. It's a robbery. Nothing serious, just hurt his arm."
I just couldn't comprehend it. Why was this boy making me worry so much
all the time?
I paid the kind driver $200. He was extremely grateful. I helped Lanyu
into the room. He looked bad, a picture of weakness.
"It used to be quite safe around 'China U", how come this kind of thing
would happen? And at eight or nine too. It is just not possible!" I said
exasperated.
"I didn't expect this too." He answered lying on the bed.
"He wanted money or the car, just give him all. He shouldn't have hurt
you."
"..."
"And you think too much of the money! Those people could have killed you.
You know, several cab drivers have been murdered!"
"Are you through?" He was impatient.
His left arm was bandaged and supported by a sling in front of his chest.
His right hand was heavily bandaged too. He must have had fought with the
bandits, or how else would he hurt his hands?
I looked at his wax-yellow face and went over, kneeling in front of the
bed. I held his right arm and asked:
"Still hurting?"
"It's all right now." He looked at me and I looked at him. I couldn't
help kissing him on the cheek and said gently: "Remember! Money is
'shit'. Your life is most important. If you kept on being so hot-headed,
you will only get hurt yourself." I disciplined him like he was a child.
"Kiss me again." He smiled. My advice did not sink in at all

A WEEK later, Lanyu told me happily: there was gain as well as loss.
Because of his injury, he had been exempted from taking part in two
exams. Looking at his gleefulness, I felt that this boy who was ten years
my junior was really too tender.
Two more weeks had passed when I received a letter. Inside was a check
for $100,000, made out by a 'Wah Tin' company. That was a company owned
by Wang Yung-huang's elder brother Wang Yung-chuen. Then I got a call
from Wang Yung-chuen. He was more than ten years his brother's senior:
"Han-tung, you know how Yung-huang is. Just don't bother with him."
"You are too kind. Of course I won't. Besides, we are friends!" I didn't
know what happened, I only felt it had something to do with Lanyu.
"That's right! The hundred thousand dollar is a token to compensate the
boy for his trauma." Wang said.
"You're too kind! I never thought about it seriously. I knew Yung-huang
understood the rules." I could only say that.
Wang Yung-chuan chuckled slyly and hung up. Even though I didn't know the
details, I could guess that that bastard must have tried to hook Lanyu
many times and eventually blew it with violence. He probably panicked
because I had not shown my hands for several weeks, so he asked his elder
brother to settle it.
I did not ask Lanyu about it but tried to get some information from Big
Sister Cheung.
"This is too much, both of you, having to fight over a boy!" Cheung said
with amazement but deep interest.
"It's not like that! I don't even know what happened!"
"You trying to hold out on me too!"
"I really don't know! I'm not Yung-huang, and that boy is not my wife.
Besides, I'm not into that!"
"Yo! Then that boy's 'true love' and 'faithfulness' to you are all for
nothing." Cheung laughed even more,
"Wang Yung-huang got what he wanted?"
"No! That boy is really something. He grabbed Yung-huang's knife and said
let him go or kill him!"
"Huh! Fuck them all!" I laughed coldly. I had to admit that Lanyu had
more guts than I.
I did not mention this to Lanyu, because I felt I was so vulnerable and I
didn't want him to realize that. I never could guess why he had not told
me about this.

IT WAS midnight. Lanyu was lying in my arms. Because of his injury, when
we made love, I could only suck him, masturbate him and masturbate
myself. Sometimes when he had wanted to perform a blow job for me, I
would stop him and told him not to. I said I would wait for him to
recover, then recoup my loss. He just looked at me and laughed, with
extreme satisfaction.
"Do you think that there is eternal love between the same sex?" I asked
caressing him.
"I don't know. I've never thought about it." He never liked to discuss
hypothetically. He just did things following his feelings.
"I believe it. If there could be between opposite sexes, then there has
to be between the same sex."
"You mean us?" He laughed and looked up at me.
"I mean myself." I said.
He just laughed and said nothing.
"You fond of me?" This was the first time I asked my partner of this. The
first time I was so unsure of myself.
"Of course." He said lightly.
"Wang Yung-huang had looked you up, right? And you lied to me that it was
a robbery." I finally asked after a pause.
"..." Lanyu didn't say anything.
"He's quite handsome, and generous." I deliberately said that casually.
"I could throw up just looking at him! I really didn't give him the come
on. It's just that he is sick himself." Lanyu's tone was desperate. He
also struggled out of my arms and looked at me solemnly.
"Why didn't you tell me about it?" I asked, solemnly too.
"I thought this thing was particularly revolting, didn't want you to
know... I was also afraid that it would pose a difficult problem for you."
He said with his eyes diverted from me.
"..." It was my turn to be silent. I always thought I understood Lanyu
very much, but that was in fact not the case. Although he was not a man
of many words and easy going, he was extremely intelligent and sensitive.

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

I BOUGHT a villa at 'North Suburb'. It was a big house with five

bedrooms, two and a half bathrooms, two garages and one swimming pool. I
let Lanyu take part in the designing and decorating. I didn't tell him it
was to be our new home.
That day we went to see the place together.
"This friend of yours who is in America is really rich. The decoration
alone costs hundreds of thousand of dollars!" He said to me.
"Do you think it's good?"
"Quite nice! I like its overall structure. Some Scandinavian flavor in
it."
"If I told you this was our house, would you like it?" I looked at him
mysteriously and with a little passion.
He looked at me first, then looked around: "Fuck!..." He was so surprised
he didn't know what to say.

THE FIRST time we made love in the house was in the bathroom. It was
nighttime, Lanyu was half reclining in the oval bathtub washing himself.
I was naked from the waist up, wearing the bottom of my pajamas, looking
into the mirror to see if my beard was sprouting again.
"You look like twenty-five at the most." Lanyu said sizing me up.
I laughed, somewhat proud of myself. I had to exercise for at least two
hours everyday and watching my diet to achieve this.
"A new researching student is leading our on site study this term. Not
yet thirty and he has a beer belly."
"You looked so closely. What's the matter? Attracted, huh?" I looked at
him slant-eyed.
"He is particularly good to me." He said seriously.
I turned and glared at him. Looking at his arms resting on the rim of the
tub, I walked over slowly and then chomp on his arm abruptly. He had been
watching me smiling and on guard. Then, the instant my mouth moved, he
reacted faster than I. His right arm splashed up a column of water,
shooting straight at my face. Just like the water fights when I was
small. I was instantly drenched with soapy water from head to toe. He
laughed happily. I opened my mouth to let go of his arm, jumped into the
tub just like that and straddled him. And I got hold of his arms and bit
him on his face and his body.
He went on laughing his head off...until there was enough biting and
enough laughter. I looked at him:
"It is impossible for us to get married...I have given you all that is
possible to give...you understand?" I didn't know how to express myself
fully.
He was still laughing like that and nodded.
"You regret having met me?" I asked again. This was always my doubt.
He smiled looking at me, and shook his head. ""I don't regret it!" He
said with ease.
Just hope it came from his heart, I thought.
I was extremely turned on. I began to caress his body, which was all the
more smooth in the water. I sniffed at the peculiar odor from his face. I
pressed my lips onto his moist and hot lips...I embraced his waist,
lifting him slightly and kissed the part that was out of the water. I
drained away all the water in the tub, licked at his broad shoulders, his
thick and firm chest, his flat abdomen...I licked at his penis, then put
the whole of it in my mouth and sucked.
"Oh...Oh..." He uttered his happiest moan, then masturbated me...We once
again reached the pinnacle of love.

THAT WAS our most comfortable and peaceful days. Lanyu was looking
forward to graduation and there was almost no school. He said he was
working on his graduation design, which could earn him money too. I went
to my company a few times a week and business was going quite smooth. I
was planning to invest in a new project. It was in a field I had never
been involved in before and I was very interested.
At that time, I even thought I could go on with Lanyu just like that
forever. It was the nest of my emotions. I never tried to think whether
the love between two men could be accepted by society. Because I had
money, I could deftly get around the problem and be in control.
I didn't know if two gay men could live happily ever after. Some say they
could never last more than one year. I did not agree, because I had lived
happily with a boy for almost four years. Maybe because our days were too
happy, too peaceful, that pain should creep up silently...

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____
 CHAPTER FOURTEEN

THE HOLY Bible says that we have two kinds of sins. The first was the
original sin, which was committed by Adam and Eve and passed on to us.
The other is later when we yield to the temptation of Satan and sin. I
used to think that Lin-Tsung-ping was the Satan who tempted me. But I was
wrong. That Satan was actually myself...
My business was going smoothly. Then a rare chance enabled me to try my
hand in politics. It was at this time that I met Lin Tsung-ping. It was
during a negotiation with an American businessman. A small American
company wanted to make a big kill in China and they found me.
As soon as the American entered the scene, I had my eyes on the Oriental
girl by his side. I couldn't be sure she was Chinese at first. She was
wearing a sapphire blue suit, her hair tucked away high and neatly behind
her head with the natural curves cascading down. She was not wearing any
jewel except a pair of cute square earrings, also sapphire blue,
accentuating her fair face. The shape of her face was a little like a
westerner, long and narrow with a modern look. The features on her face
were extremely beautiful. The bridge of her nose was high and delicate
and her lips were red and full. The color of her eyes was lighter than
those of the average Chinese, a clear brown, and looked as if shrouded by
mist. All through our discussion, the American was earnest and easy
going, giving the impression of being serious and responsible while at
the same time graceful and sure of himself. She always smiled sweetly
when she talked.
"Wow! What a beauty! I must get her!" I had this beautiful thought.
Right from the beginning, I had noticed that whenever she looked at me,
her eyes were soft but graceful, and she never tried to avoid my eyes.
Before leaving, I held her hand lightly:
"I must thank Miss Lin too for making this meeting so smooth. You speak
very good English." I complimented courteously. The fact was I couldn't
tell whether her English was good or not.
This part she did not translate to the American. She just said thanks a
little shyly.

I TOLD Lanyu about it at night when I had returned home. He just smiled
and didn't say anything.
"Can't you feel anything about girls?" I asked.
"Women are all a little hypocritical." He said.
"During the four years in the university, no female student have come
after you? Handsome as you are?" I taunted him.
"We have female students! We also have this limerick:: Girls at 'China U'
are good, but no good look, when you want to talk with them, they have
only books."
"Ha! Who said that?" I thought that was funny.
"It's written on the desk."
"It's lucky I was not in the technology field. You tech people are so
inept. Can't even get girls!"
"And you still want to get them?" Lanyu asked laughing.
" 'We are too old! It's not important anymore!' Just unable to do it!' I
tried an accent that was mixing south and north as I got upstairs. I
heard Lanyu laughing aloud.

THE SECOND time I met Lin Tsung-ping was again at my company. But this
time it was in my office. Her boss had to go back to the States and there
were a few details she had to discuss with me face to face. I was glad
that I had this chance.
She was still dressed in sharp colors but there was a certain style about
her I couldn't define. We had a pleasant talk. When I looked at her
courteously and with 'deep emotions' in my eyes, she would meet my eyes
for a few seconds, then looked away unhurriedly.
"Such a rare breed!" I thought.
"To show my appreciation for Miss Lin's help, can I treat you dinner?" I
said lightly and quite casually.
She hesitated for a moment, then: "Sure!" She accepted directly. And it
surprised me.

I PICKED the French restaurant at 'Tien Huo'. She was prompt. When the
automated door opened to both sides, I felt the world brightened. She was
dazzling. A simple sleeveless light-gray evening gown hugged her body
tightly. On her left shoulder hung a black handbag, corresponding with
her black square earrings. Her hair was tied up on top of her head, with
a few strands cascading down, seemingly casually. She had a great body.
At around 1.7 meters, she was just the right height for me. I was a
little restless...
The moment she entered, almost all the males in the restaurant,
regardless of their age and race, were attracted by her. When I reached
out and took her waist gently and led her into the restaurant, I was very
excited and proud. My vanity was sufficiently satisfied---the kind of
satisfaction Lanyu could never give me.
I chatted with Lin Tsung-ping until quite late that day. She told me she
had graduated from 'Fifth Foreign' four years ago, working as an
interpreter after that. She was from the south, her father being a
high-ranking cadre and her mother a typist. I watched her consumed her
meal with amazing grace and heard her talk with softness. Her natural
grace intrigued me.

IT WAS almost midnight when I returned to 'Scandinavia' (the new home of

Lanyu and I). Lanyu was not in bed and was reading a newspaper.
"How come you're not in bed?" I asked.
"Couldn't sleep." He yawned, "How's your business going?" He was less and
less interested in my business and asked just for the sake of asking.
"No complain. Go to sleep.' I turned off the light.

I DATED Lin Tsung-ping twice after that. She was so open and graceful,
though we were never up to any hanky panky. We usually dated in the
evenings and went home late. I had Liu Qsing to cover for me so Lanyu
never caught on.

IT WAS a weekend evening, I went to 'Chan's' home through a friend to

visit 'Chan'. He was the number-two man in the financial sector. To make
the visit more smoothly, I decided at the spur of the moment to ask Lin
Tsung-ping along. She agreed gladly. That visit was a great success and
Lin Tsung-ping got half of the credit. She truly had a conquering
charisma.
"I must thank you properly today!" I said when we had left 'Chan's'
house.
"Good! What do you have in mind?"
"How about dinner for starters?"
"That's not enough. But I'm hungry though." She smiled sweetly, showing a
girlish coyness for the first time. She seemed so innocent and lovely, at
least to me at the time.
I kissed her in the car that night. I was very excited and she was in the
mood too.
"Han-tung!" She left my lips and cried.
"Yes?"
"Tell me, do you have a wife?"
I was surprised that she should ask this. I laughed:
"Why did you think I have?"
"A woman's instinct."
"I'm single and I have never married. Want to see my home registration
passbook?"
She laughed shyly: "You know, Han Tung, I'm scared. I'm afraid that I
would be in too deep. It would hurt myself and hurt you!" Women seldom
tell about their thoughts about an affair so actively, especially a
beautiful woman.

IT WAS pass one o'clock when I took Lin Tsung-ping home. Then I drove to
'Scandinavia'. Lanyu was watching a video when I went in. He did not
acknowledge me.
"Still watching TV at this hour? You don't have to go to school
tomorrow?" I said because I needed to say something.
"Tomorrow is Sunday." He answered languidly.
"I have to wash up and go to sleep!" I didn't want to say too much.
"You seem to be particularly busy lately?" He asked. He was observant and
sensitive.
"And all for nothing. It's such a damned nuisance!" I hated his
suspecting tone.
"..." He didn't say anything.
He went to bed first. I finished my bath and came out of the bathroom,
switching on the nightlight. Lanyu was on his stomach, his head averted
to one side. Under the dim light, his thick, black brow, his straight
nose, his sexy lips were particularly handsome and elegant. His face was
so calm, frank and without any trace of playacting. His eyes were closed,
the long lashes down...I couldn't help moving over to kiss lightly his
eyes, his lashes...He must have had not really fallen into a deep sleep.
He was awakened by my kisses quickly. He rolled over and lay on his back.
I pressed down on him.
"Sleep!" He deliberately made out like he was very serious to taunt me.
"No! I want it!" I tried to be coy myself.
"You want it? And you come home so late? No!"
"I've been busy!" I said coy as a girl.
Then both of us burst out laughing. We liked to change roles to taunt
each other.
"You are so narrow-minded!" I was still on top of him.
He looked at me. "You haven't been messing around outside, have you?"
"So what if I have? You can't do without me." I laughed.
"I'm just afraid that you can do without me." His smile froze, that
melancholic look that obsessed me surfaced again in his eyes.
I didn't know if I was touched or was a little guilty. My eyes suddenly
felt acid.
"How could that happen?" I said and buried my head on his body kissing
him.

DURING THE following two months, I never once called Lin Tsung-ping on
the phone. She called twice though. In the phone, her voice was extremely
soft and peaceful. She just asked me how I was doing, chatted a little
and then hung up. I felt as though my heart was abruptly lifted up and
then put back down gently. Lin Tsung-ping was already twenty-five. She
was more matured than Lanyu. Women were at their best at this age.

I FINALLY had sex with Lin Tsung-ping. I had said 'no' to myself numerous
times before that.
I had said 'no' because of Lanyu. There was no moral or legal binding
between us. I just hadn't wanted to be unfaithful to him. But still, I
went to bed with Lin Tsung-ping.

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

IT WAS an unofficial cocktail party given by the officials. A lot of

people I knew were there. I had asked Lin Tsung-ping to accompany me.
Needless to say, it was another successful and proud evening. Afterwards,
Lin Tsung-ping wanted some fresh air, so we went out onto the streets of
Beijing. I put my arm around her waist, took the chance to express my
love for her. We were like a couple deeply in love. No matter how much I
loved her, even if just a little, I could still act sufficiently
passionate. But between Lanyu and me, even though our love was
overflowing, we could still not reveal it in public. That night, I took
Lin Tsung-ping to 'Hsiang Kuo'. We chatted in the sitting room first. The
waiter brought champagne. We drank to our 'friendship'...Out of a man's
lust for conquer, I decided to fuck her.
We kissed for a long time, until I was impatient. I took her in my arms
and carried her to the bed, putting her down gently. Then I undressed her
slowly. She was not her elegant and confident self. She was just
submissive and shy, looking at me with tenderness in her eyes. She let
down her jet black, shiny hair and let it rolled on the bed. I couldn't
wait. I grabbed her breasts with both hands and kneaded them as much as I
wanted to. Then I raised her legs, my member rammed home with one stroke.
Strangely, when doing it with a woman, I could last a long time without
ejaculating. Watching Lin Tsung-ping lifted to the crest of orgasm again
and again by me, I was excited, happy...
"Han-tung!...No!...Don't! Oh! God!" She cried out of control and almost
wept.
...
I finally climaxed. But the whole process was not as excited as I had
imagined.
Women must be caressed after sex to achieve the ultimate satisfaction.
Tsung-ping lay in my arms, holding one of my hands and caressed it
gently.
"I feel very foolish!" She said laughing.
"You are the most intelligent girl I've ever met." I complimented her.
"This must be the hundredth time you say that to a woman." She was still
laughing.
"As a matter of fact, I did..."
Lin Tsung-ping suddenly turned and sealed my mouth with her lips,
stopping me from going on. She kissed me and looked at me:
"Han-tung, you don't have to tell me about your past, or even about the
present. I don't care. All you need to do is to know that a girl called
Lin Tsung-ping loves you." She said and turned to lean back into my arms,
eyes looking ahead:
"And if someday when you were not fond of her anymore, all you needed to
say was that: go away, I'm tired of you." She said laughing as her face
flushed with shyness, and she again buried her head in my arms.
No matter how I looked at it, I had to be touched.

MY MIND started to be occupied by one important question: should I get

married? Mom had prompted me many times over this, especially after my
father died. I felt a kind of invisible pressure.
Lin Tsung-ping, this girl from an average southern family, she should be
fit to be my wife. Even though her background was plain, she herself was
a woman who could handle the high society as well as the inside of a
home. I really needed her for my life and my career.
And Lanyu? Just 'keep' him? Maintain the present relationship with him?
He may not agree. Just get rid of him? I couldn't do it.
Everything happened as if by coincidence, but actually they were
inevitable. I met Dr. Sze. He was a professor of psychology, specializing
in the study of homosexuality. He was the first 'specialist' on
homosexuality I had ever met.
It was also the first time I had some 'knowledge' about homosexuality.
After four long hours of conversation, the professor had this diagnosis:
I was a perfectly normal man, with just a little homosexual tendency. All
I had to do was to get out of the relationship with the boy, and marriage
shouldn't be a problem. It was Lanyu who had a problem. He suspected that
Lanyu was suffering from manic depression and promised that he would
treat him to help me rid of him.
I must tell Lanyu about this 'important scientific discovery' of mine,
and to convince him that he should accept the therapy. It would be
difficult, but I had to do it.

BOTH LANYU and I couldn't cook, so we had to eat out. That day, when we
came out of a restaurant and were on our way home, he talked about the
arrangements in the university. He talked about their student
administration, the teacher's office, the dean, the requirements of
staying on in Beijing, and the designing college he had mentioned before.
I listened impatiently. I told him I could get his Beijing residency
permit ready immediately.
"Lanyu, have you ever thought of our future?" I started to ask him.
"What do you mean?" He glanced at me with uncertainty as he drove.
"Don't you feel that it is not proper for two men staying together?"
"..."
"It is actually a mental state. Sometimes a person would have the wrong
impression. Just like your...A situation like ours is a kind of 'sexual
misidentification'." I tried to coin phrases awkwardly, like a parrot
learning to talk.
"I've read some new materials from abroad. They no longer think this is
sick, it's just a... I can't remember what they call it. It meant that
some men prefer women, but some prefer men. It's just a difference of
choice."
What he had said shocked me. I had always thought he never thought about
this kind of thing.
"When did you read it?" I asked.
"After the day I met you, I 'd begun to notice articles about this."
"Materials from abroad? Huh! There are also X-rated movies from abroad!
And sexual liberation too!" I countered.
"That was a medical report, quite serious!"
"I think this is a matter of mental state." I insisted though I was not
able to convince him.
"Ha! Are you saying that both of us are mentally disturbed?" He laughed
vigorously.
"I'm not. It's you! At least I'm willing to make love to a woman. What
about you?"
"I've never tried it." He sounded weak.
"Have you ever been fond of girls? You don't even like 'Playboy'
magazine."
"..."
"You actually think you are a girl!"
"I do not!!" He seemed insulted and countered harshly, his hands on the
steering wheel trembling a little.
"Drive carefully!" I paused for a moment, then asked, "Then why do you
like men?"
He didn't answer. After a long while, he said quietly, "I only like you!"
We didn't say anything more until we were back home. But I still wanted
to discuss the same topic. I told him about professor Sze and asked him
to receive therapy.
"I will not go!" he was very firm.
"You will at least get married in the future. This is good for you!"
"I will not get married!"
"Will not get married? You are only twenty now. What about when you were
thirty, forty? How are you going to stay in this society?" I thought more
and more of myself as an expert.
"..."
Seeing that he was silent, I went on:
"Besides, will you want a child of your own? A man has the responsibility
of passing on his genes. You will feel the pressure when the time comes."
"I don't care! And nobody cares about this in my family! I won't have any
pressure."
I had forgotten that I was not the same with him coming to that. Then I
remembered something else:
"Didn't your mother wished you to be a proper man? You should at least
try."
I must have got him where it hurt. He didn't say anything after that.
Maybe he had agreed reluctantly. But before going to bed, he asked:
"Do you want a separation?"
"You just can't tell good from bad. That's your way of seeing things!" I
said with exasperation.
Lanyu was irritable after that for a long time. Although he didn't say
it, I knew he was angry with me about this therapy thing. He started to
come home very late, sometimes even staying at school. That day he came
back from Dr. Sze, he came in and made for the stairs without saying
anything.
"Hey!" I stopped him, "what have you done today?" I meant about the
therapy.
"Talk. Looked at pictures and let me think." He said, extremely
impatient.
"What else?"
"Just try it yourself if you're interested!" with that, he went upstairs
and went into the bedroom.
At night, I wanted to make love with him. He masturbated and sucked me. I
had climaxed, but he was not the least in the mood.
In the middle of the night, he woke me up by talking in his sleep. I
shook him, called his name, and he was calm again and went back to sleep.
This went on for several nights.
He was in a bad mood. He didn't even have an appetite. He looked moody
and listless, even a little gaunt. I asked him how he felt about the
therapy. He said he felt nothing.
I called professor Sze and asked him about Lanyu. He told me that Lanyu
was absolutely uncooperative in the therapy. He said Lanyu was not only
mentally sick sexually, but was suffering from serious depression and
manic obsession
"The first stage of therapy is not satisfactory. I think I can try
injecting him with hormones in the next stage. This will help him..." The
doctor went on and on with his theories.
"No! You can't do that!" I could not accept injecting drug to an
otherwise healthy person.
"There are some other ways. For example, let him see some photos of naked
men, even of you, and at the same time give him some stimulation, to make
him produce a kind of painful conditional reflex to this kind of thing."
"What kind of stimulation?" I asked.
"Such as a mild electric shock..."
"No! Absolutely not!" I refused in no uncertain terms.
I didn't know whether professor Sze had a strong opinion that
homosexuality was harmful to the society or that he was just guilty about
the quite generous consultation fees I had paid him, but he insisted on
giving me some more suggestion. But I would hear no more.
I turned again and again in my head the professor's 'scientific
explanations'. I remembered the first time I had talked to him, he had
asked me whether I was just after some new kicks or I actually loved the
boy. I told him I was just after a new kick. He said that was all right,
that just proved that I was not serious about life and therefore not a
real homosexual. According to this line of thinking, I would be not
serious about life too when I did it with the girls, and I would have to
fall in love with them to qualify as a heterosexual. But I haven't yet
been in love with a woman. So what did that make me?
I also thought about his theory about Lanyu thinking about himself as a
girl. It was true that Lanyu loved me a little like a woman. He was
sensitive, observant. But on the other hand, I could see even more of his
proud, independent, stubborn and even brave quality; these were
absolutely not exclusive to a woman.
I decided to call Lanyu. I told him to come to my office, because I
wanted to play billiard at night. He at first said he was too busy to get
away, then said he was not feeling well, wanted to sleep at home. But he
came eventually.
"Where're we going?" He came into my office and planted himself on the
couch in my office and asked, frowning slightly.
"Where do you want to go?" I asked.
"Anywhere you like!" he lounged on the couch, looking at me.
"You going to professor Sze tomorrow?" I asked.
"My appointment is for the day after tomorrow."
"Don't go anymore, okay?" I asked looking him in his eyes.
"Why?' He asked, puzzled.
"There is no why. Just don't go anymore. I see that you've been
suffering."
He looked at me, breaking into a smile slowly, then suddenly shot up from
the couch and was on me in a flash, holding on to me for dear life and
kissing me.
"You crazy or something? You are in my office." I said with my voice
lowered, stopping him laughingly.

THAT RIDICULOUS therapy ended just like that. The bright, shining smile
returned to Lanyu's face.
He seemed even more besotted with me. But this worried me even more.

back to top

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

I HAD to go to Hong Kong and Hainan unexpectedly, and Lin Tsung-ping

insisted on seeing me off at the airport.
"You should be careful when you go out and when driving in Hong Kong."
She told me gently.
"No problem. I go there quite often." I laughed.
"I know!" She lowered her head and fished out an intricate little box
from her pocket, then looked up at me:
"This is a piece of jade stone. Rather rare, and has been blessed by a
high monk. It is said that it has the effect of warding off evil and
avoiding disaster. I want you to carry it." She said as she handed it to
me.
That was quite a beautiful piece of green jade stone, oblong in shape,
with a little red tint resembling the shape of a heart in the center. On
the backside was carved elegantly a tiny word 'Lin". With or without the
effect of avoiding disaster, Tsung-ping's intention was touching.
"Thank you!" I looked at her misty eyes and gave her a tight hug.

I WENT to a jade stone shop in Hong Kong to make a chain for that piece
of stone. The owner of that shop told me it was a very valuable piece of
emerald, valued at US$3,000 at least. I had never given her any expensive
present, but she gave me a piece of jade stone like this. It reminded me
of Liu Qsing's evaluation of Lin Tsung-ping: she was a woman a man
couldn't refuse.

TEN DAYS later, I called Lanyu to tell him that I would be back in a
week. Actually, I went back to Beijing from Hainan that same day. At the
airport, I was wearing that piece of jade stone when I saw Lin Tsung-ping
waiting for me outside. She was wearing a body-hugging white T-shirt with
a deep cut collar, matching a pair of ultra short jeans, exposing a lot
of her full breasts and slender, alluring legs. The overall impression
was so young and vibrant.
On the way, I told Lin Tsung-ping that I wanted to take her to the hotel.
She asked me if there was any place other than the hotel. So we decided
to go to 'Temporary Village'. My things and Lanyu's things had all been
moved to 'Scandinavia', only the furniture and electrical appliances and
the sort were left. I dragged Lin Tsung-ping outside to eat. She said why
not buy materials home and do the cooking ourselves. That would be more
delicious. She made two dishes and one bowl of soup in just over half an
hour. She laughed and watched my rather vulgar way of eating:
"Like my cooking?"
"Delicious!' It really tasted good, better than those at the hotel.
"Your mother cook at home?" She asked again.
"Most of the cooking is done by the maid. My mother only does what she
does best. Her 'juliene in Beijing sauce' is simply the greatest."
"Really? I must find the chance to ask her to teach me!" She laughed
sweetly.
I thought if I brought her home and showed her to my mom, the old woman
would surely be delirious with joy. This was the best solace a son could
offer his mother.
This woman had class and she knew how to do the right things. She was
versatile in bed and intelligent and gentle at home. I must marry her. I
must make it plain to Lanyu.

I WENT back to 'Scandinavia' one week later. Lanyu complained that I

hadn't told him about it beforehand. The third night there, Lanyu was
reading something in his study when I walked in quietly. He heard my
footsteps and turned:
"What are you doing? You frightened me!"
"I have something important to say to you!" I was straight-faced and my
voice was low-pitched.
"What is it?" He looked at me alarmed.
"I want to get married. I already have the right girl." I said, real
business-like.
He didn't say anything, just looked at me...God! Those eyes I knew so
well. Those were the same eyes as when, a few years back, I had told him
I didn't want him anymore and that I was tired of him as a plaything. The
shock and helplessness in those eyes!
My nose was acid again. I had to lower my head. "This will happen sooner
or later. You should realize...
"..." Silence.
God! The same kind of silence! I couldn't stand it!
"We can go on just like this if you wish! The only difference will be
that I had a wife. Everything will be the same as before! Nothing will
change!" I looked up and said firmly, like I was taking an oath.
Lanyu's eyes were filled with tears, looking at me so helplessly. His
lips trembled violently. Then he looked away, sniffed once. I could see
that he was trying hard to suppress his feelings, refusing to let the
tears shed. He was never a crybaby.
After a long while, he turned to look at me and grimaced, "When you
forced me to undergo therapy, I knew this was the reason." His eyes were
still brimming with tears, his lips quivering. He lowered his head again.
I felt so bad! Tears swelled out of my eyes. I seized him in my arms. "I
didn't want this! I had no choice!..." I said and kissed him with lips
that were trembling and tearful just as his were...
He opened his lips gently, his tongue snaking out to lick at my lips and
tears streamed down my face...
He stopped, turned to take the tissue box on the desk, took a stack for
himself and a stack for me. He laughed, but with bitterness. I laughed
bitterly too. We just laughed like that, blowing our noses...
We embraced again. Lanyu removed my clothes for me and I his for him. We
did that unhurriedly. He pressed me onto the carpet gently, licking at me
with movements he so accustomed too, and looking at me. I was looking at
him the whole time, unable to concentrate between my legs. I just wanted
to look at his face. My member was leaning there half-limp. No matter how
Lanyu sucked me, it remained the same. I pressed him onto the floor too
and sucked him just the same. He was even worse off. He motioned me to
stop it, then fished out from under his body an eraser he had used in his
drawing awkwardly. We both laughed looking at each other.., We did not
need to make love. At least I didn't. I just needed the security of
possessing him. But I could not feel secure.
Deep into the night, we began to make love on the bed again. We did great
this time around. We were in the mood and were great partners...
Afterwards, he sat up and leaned on the bedstead. I leaned against him
with my head nestling on his body.
"It's better than I imagined!" He said.
"What?" I asked.
"I thought you wanted a thorough separation!"
"No way." I was pale and weak.

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I TOLD my mother about Lin Tsung-ping. She was not happy with Lin's plain
background at first. She had hoped that I would find a child from a
family similar to ours, or at least from intellectual parents. I thought
wryly: Lanyu should be the ideal candidate. The moment Lin Tsung-ping
stepped into our house, I knew that everything was okay. Her warm, humble
and courteous behavior won my mother over. Even my two sisters said she
was all right. Looking at my mother's happy face, I was greatly relieved.
I thought I would get along with Lanyu just as calmly and happily as
before. But that was not the case. Fights became part of our lives. We
didn't fight over anything concerning principles, not even my wedding. We
just fought over trivia. Both of us were not happy. Fortunately, we could
make up every time. It was always Lanyu who took the initiative to a
truce.
One day, I went out with Lanyu and saw there were a lot of people
standing in line outside the gate of 'Tien U'.
"What's that?"
"Probably people applying to take the Toefl exam."
"It's that hot?"
"In the '82 Biology Section' in our school, a whole class has left"
"You want to go abroad?" I asked.
"I can't. Now you have to have the overseas Chinese certificate to be
allowed to go abroad. And architecture is not hot enough."
"If you really want to go, I can arrange it for you. I can get you a
business trip visa. You can go with the business team. You could switch
to be a student once you were in America. It's easy."
He was silent. He must be unhappy again. I left him alone.
"I don't want to go anywhere. I just like Beijing!" He sounded
challenging.
"Doctor Sze was right! You are an obsessive paranoid maniac." I retorted
nastily.
Every time we came to this kind of explosive confrontation, he would
laugh and then say something nice.
That day when I went back to 'Scandinavia', I heard the stereo playing a
pop song. Lanyu never liked pops; he preferred folk music, especially the
Chinese violin. That was a song that I was not familiar with too. I could
only remember the lyrics: Dearest, don't talk about leaving...maybe there
should be a gust of wind, maybe there should be a shower of rain...it is I
who love you most, how could you be so cruel as to make me sad, just when
I needed you most, you left without saying a word...

I BEGAN to deliberate cut down on the times I went back to 'Scandinavia'.

I just told Lanyu that I went back to my mother. But in fact I was at
'Temporary Village' with Lin Tsung-ping. Then I found out that Lanyu was
also not staying at 'Scandinavia' everyday. Except when I went back, he
would just stay at the school.
Although I had proposed to Lin Tsung-ping, a wedding date had not been
set and arrangements had not been made too. Subconsciously, I was hoping
that I would settle this thing between Lanyu and me first.
One day in August, after dinner, I told him I was going to take him to
meet a few friends.
"I don't want to meet your friends. I hate them." He was not so
submissive as before.
"You will definitely be interested. They are the same as us."
He looked at me puzzled.
"They're players in this too." I explained, smiling mysteriously.
He looked at me doubtfully first, then his eyes slowly filled with rage:
"You've had enough fun. You want to pass me on to somebody else, right?"
I couldn't catch what he meant momentarily.
"Are we going to see Wang Yung-huang?... You son-of-a-bitch!!" He yelled
and got up and rushed out of the restaurant.
He made straight for the car, opened the door and climbed in. I jumped up
and rushed out after him, ran to his side, grabbing his arm tightly
through the open window.
"Off. You call a cab yourself!" He yelled at me.
"You can't drive like this! It's too dangerous!" I was desperate.
He paid me no heed, just wriggled his arm free and started the car...
"Stop! I beg you! You want to kill yourself?" I hung on to his arm and
yelled.
He stepped on the gas...
"I'm a son-of-a-bitch! I'm a fucking animal! All right! Please stop! You
can't drive to your death!" I was half-weeping. I hung on to him for dear
life, and the car was dragging me along.
He braked abruptly...In the silence, I could hear him panting tremblingly.
He held the steering wheel with both hands, head lowered. I seemed to
detect a sob. It was a man's suppressed weeping.
"I did not mean that at all! How could I do that! I just want you to meet
more friends in the circle, to make you feel better." I explained, also
suppressing my sobbing.
Several people stopped at a distance to watch...
I drove slowly back to 'Scandinavia'. He was silent on the way. We went
into the house quietly. I sat on the couch. He went upstairs, probably
wanted to go into his study. He liked to stay in that room lately with or
without working.
"Hey! Lanyu!" I called after him.
He turned to look at me.
"Can you sit with me for a while?" I said gently.
He hesitated, then came back down and sat beside me on the couch.
"Sit here." I wanted him to sit closer.
He moved closer. I put my arm around him. He did not object, but his body
was stiff and uncompromising.
"How about the arrangements in the school?" It was a long time since I
had asked about his affairs.
"I started working a long time ago." He said coldly.
"You should have told me...What unit?" I had been so busy at my business,
my dream of politics and being hounded by Lin Tsung-ping, I had almost
heard nothing from him and asked him nothing.
"'City Ninth Company'" It was a construction company formerly operated by
the military.
He had told me he wanted to go to the Academy of Designing. Working would
not be his goal.
"If you don't like this unit, you can go to work for a foreign
enterprise. I have a friend who is the manager for the Chinese side in a
joint-venture construction company." I said.
"I have signed a five-year contract."
"It doesn't matter. Just pay them some money and you can leave."
"Humph! You trust money so much!" He seemed to be mocking me.
I had to change the subject.
"You know a place in Beijing called 'One Two Three'"? A lot of people
like us go there. All ordinary people." I emphasized the word 'ordinary'.
"How come you never mentioned it before?" He was shocked but seemed quite
interested.
"I was afraid you would be unhappy." I lied again.
"You think we are the only two people who are like this in the whole of
Beijing?" He laughed lightly.
"A lot in fact. You will never know if you didn't step into that circle.
I rarely go to that kind of place. You can find all sorts there. Must be
careful." I felt really bad when I was saying this. The thought about him
with other men was like a punch to me.
He lowered his head in my arms. I went on:
"I've heard that there is also a park and some public toilets are places
to play this game too. I never go to places like that. You must not go
too. It's dangerous. Seemed the police had raided these places and made
arrests." Telling about this, I felt a kind of painful helplessness.
He sunk more deeply into my arms as I continued:
"Ah, yes. I have finished the transfer papers of this house and the car.
They are your property now. If you don't like the house, you can sell it
and start a business. Aren't everyone going into business nowadays?"
He was still silent. I had to find something else to say.
"You must drive carefully from now on. You must absolutely not drive
under the circumstance like that of today. You must care about your
life..."
He got up from the couch abruptly and stood in front of me. He laughed,
looking very sweet. But there was still the contempt and coldness.
"Any more orders? You are so thorough when you are trying to get rid of a
lover!" He went back upstairs without waiting for me to respond. He also
said casually, "I have to take a bath and go to bed."

LANYU STILL made love with me that night. I kissed him all over nonstop.
I looked at his face and his eyes. I sucked him. He ejaculated. He got up
and wanted to perform fellatio on me.
"Turn over. I want that game.' I meant I wanted anal sex.
He lay down on his stomach and said flatly, "You should pay extra for
this!"
My mood left me abruptly at that, and I was limp. I wanted to tell him
something from my heart:: I want him. But I was too ashamed to open my
mouth. Did I hate him? He didn't do anything wrong...
I turned off the light and lay down on my back...In the darkness, I felt
Lanyu starting to kiss my body...He stopped and said softly, like he was
begging me:
"Han-tung, you're not angry, are you? You can do it any way you want! I
didn't mean it..."
...I just let my tears rolled out in silence...

back to top
___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

MY MOTHER had suggested that Lin Tsung-ping and I should marry on the
first of October. I did not agree. I felt that I was not ready. I had
already bought a five-room apartment in 'Movement Village' and had it
decorated for our wedding. I had gone to Hong Kong with Lin Tsung-ping,
bought her a two carat diamond ring, dozens of suits and countless
cosmetics and things...But I still felt I was not ready.
'Scandinavia' had become a place of rendezvous for Lanyu and me. Lanyu
was staying at the dormitory of his company, saying that it was more
convenient for him to go to work. I went there even less. I was busy
taking Lin Tsung-ping socializing in my business circle. Everybody knew
that I was going to get married. They seemed to envy me. I was high.
Usually, I would rendezvous with Lanyu three times a week. That day, I
had Lanyu come to 'Temporary' village to pick me up. When we were walking
out of the door, Lin Tsung-ping came back unexpectedly and they met. It
was rather embarrassing, especially for Lanyu. Then Tsung-ping and Lanyu
both excused themselves quickly and left. Afterwards, both of them had
never asked me about the other. They were intelligent people. They must
have had some kind of gut feeling.
Those were the days when everything did not run smoothly. First it was
Lin Tsung-ping who told me that her boss had given her a chance to
undergo training in America. She wanted to go. I told her we were getting
married. She said, "I'm afraid this has to wait." I owed her a little
really.
Then Liu Qsing told me that my mother had called him the previous night
to ask him about Lanyu.
"How did she find out?" I was shocked.
"How should I know? She seemed to know a lot."
"You admitted it?"
"I did not admit but I did not deny it either. I just couldn't lie to our
mom with eyes open wide." He sounded difficult.
"You're not a friend." I was pissed off.
"Han-tung! You can't keep this thing under wraps. If you don't leave that
boy and drag on with Lin, the old woman would find out sooner or later."
"Does Tsung-ping know?" I asked.
"I can't be sure. But I think she knows."
"Fuck!" I felt helpless.
Not surprisingly, my mother ordered me home before ten o'clock in the
morning. The moment I walked in and saw my mother's blood-shot eyes and
her look of despair, I felt extremely guilty.
"Tung, you can't be so shameless! You are not human!" My mother said
crying. It was the first time she addressed me so harshly.
"Who told you this? There really is no such thing. Must be someone trying
to hurt me." I tried to lie my way out.
"You have kept this from us for so many years! It's fortunate that your
father died early. If he was here today and found out about this, it
would be a fate worse than death for him." My mother cried even more.
I felt extremely bad and I had nothing to say.
"Since the day I was carrying you, I had done my best to protect you.
When you were a child and was in the daycare center, I found out that you
had been bullied. I was so mad I had a fight with the teacher. We were so
proud when you grew up and were getting better everyday and studying
well. You know that." She almost lost her voice weeping.
"Watching you finished your schooling, went into business, and has now
become the director of 'City Commerce' and well respected, we were so
happy. But now you have done this thing so lowdown. If this went out, how
could you face people? Huh?
"Even if you were raising a pet, you would feel very bad if you had to
watch it suffer. And as a mother, watching you despised and spit on would
be a fate worse than death! Huh? I'm so scared." Then she bawled
hysterically.
My eyes were moist and my heart felt like being punched. I was a man too.
Seeing my mother so miserable because of me, how could I stand it?
Looking at my mother's blood-shot eyes, I felt that Lanyu and his love
and my feelings were nothing.
I remained silent for a moment. "You've got it all wrong. You don't
realize that nowadays, the rich all play this kind of game and competing,
trying to outdo each other. Nobody takes it seriously. They just get a
boy to go the rounds. I was tired of this a long time ago. My interest is
in horseracing now. I like horses. It's more or less the same thing."
My mother seemed to be convinced. She stopped crying and looked at me.
"Actually China has been having this homosexual game since the ancient
time. The rich treat this as a hobby. You remember Tsai Ming? He plays
this game from time to time. Just having meals together and chatting.
Nothing else."
I was lying to my teeth. Just so that mom could stop hurting.
My mother believed me. I told her I would wed Lin Tsung-ping next month.
She finally began smiling again.
Lin Tsung-ping also knew about Lanyu, but she pretended otherwise.

I WAS thinking of how to have a showdown with Lanyu and end our
relationship once and for all. This was entirely not for the sake of Lin
Tsung-ping. Not for the sake of my mother too. It was for myself. I had
found that I could not keep just a sexual relationship with Lanyu, like I
had with other boys. When I was with him, I would be drawn into the
vortex of feelings. The less we met, the more I missed him.

THE WEATHER forecast warned that there would be strong winds during the
night and temperature would drop. Sure enough, a gusty wind raged all
night long. When I got up in the morning, the sky was clear and the
sunshine was bright, but the trees were all stripped of leaves. It was a
sad kind of beauty.
Lanyu was still in bed sleeping. He had said he could go to work later
than usual today. He liked to sleep on his stomach with his face averted
to one side. I stood in front of the bed and studied his face for a long
time. Then he turned and the blanket was pushed to one side, exposing his
naked body. After the sexual session last night, his shorts were flung to
only God knew where. I went over and pulled the blanket back in place for
him.
"Is it just his body I want? Just to satisfy my sexual desire? What would
I lose if I parted with him? I...." I was watching him and thinking like
this while I waited for him to wake up...
He woke up. He smiled when he realized that I had been looking at him.
Then he looked at me like he was trying to seduce me. He must have been
thinking that I wanted to make love to him again. How come he was such an
idiot?
"Get dressed!" I said as I left the bedroom. I did not want to discuss
separation when he was naked.
He got dressed and washed up and went into the kitchen to find something
to eat. The place was like a hotel for lovers. The refrigerator was
almost empty except for some crackers and coke. Lanyu was never picky
about food. He ripped open a can of coke and took some crackers for
breakfast. I looked at him. I didn't know where to begin.
"I'm really sorry that I have led you onto this road. I can't go on
hurting you!" I began shamelessly.
"What's the matter with you?" He asked without stopping his eating.
"I know you've been hating me. I am very sorry!"
"I never hated you." He seemed dull and not his usual sensitive self.
"Don't fool me. You never listen to me now. I'm nothing to you." I had to
find a good and proper reason of breaking up.
He glanced at me, "What do you mean I don't listen to you? You said
therapy and I went to undergo therapy. You wanted to go on just like this
with me and I have agreed. You wanted me to go out to mess with someone
else, well, I'm trying!"
I looked at him shocked. How come he would react like this?
"These are all for your own good! And you can't tell the difference!"
"Humph! All this is because of that whore?" He looked at me with disdain.
I was furious. I could not tolerate his insolence.
"Who are you calling a whore? You are a whore! A male whore!"
He didn't say anything. He was silent for a few seconds, then he put down
his drink, got up and headed for the front door.
I grabbed hold of him. "What are you going to do?"
"Don't touch me!" He said with disgust and tried to fling my hands off.
But I held on.
"I'm not through!" I said.
"You just want us to part for good, aren't you? Humph! There are always
greener pastures out there. I have thought this out. I won't cling on to
you!" he was cold and firm.
I was lost! I never dreamed that he would react this way.
I let go of him. He turned and sat down on the couch, saying nothing. I
took the pack of cigarette from the coffee table, lit one. I found that
my right hand holding the cigarette was trembling slightly. I had to
steady it with my left.
Lanyu did not go out. He just sat there on the couch. We were silent for
a long time.
"I'm not living in a vacuum. I have to face a lot of things...I have my
career, my mother...I'm afraid to stay on with you...You can't ruin me, can
you?" I was incoherent.
"I'm not a homosexual. I need to lead a normal life." I said again
firmly..
Lanyu reached out, took my hand, we looked at each other. He was very
calm. There was a slight smile on his face:
"I knew that we would end up like this. I've been expecting this for a
long time. I'm not afraid. I still remember what you have told me: 'One
has to be willing oneself to play this game. Play it for a long time and
you would be ashamed to go on.' You are getting married now. Maybe I will
get married in a couple of years."
I looked at his eyes. In them I could see nothing else except the word
'pain'. He gazed at me too, looked and looked...his sad eyes were brimming
with tears. I did not wait for him to cry out. I turned my face away
suddenly, and, like a woman, cried before him...
"Han-tung! Don't be like this! It's really all right!" He said stifling
his sob.
What the hell was I? I had just told him off loud and clear and here I
was, comforted by him! I despised myself!
Maybe we both wanted to salvage some male dignity. We were parting with
smiles. Before leaving each other, he still leaned in my arms, listened
to me:
"You must take care of yourself. You must go to the doctor when you are
sick. You must go to the hospital if you have a fever."
He smiled. It was supposed to be a 'yes'.
"If you have a 'friend', you must be careful not to be infected."
He lowered his head...
"Although we have agreed not to contact any more, you must come to me if
there was any emergency, do you hear me?"
He nodded, his head lowered even more...
That day, he said he would let me leave first. I hoped that I would feel
better that way. He sat on the arm of the couch, smiling sadly at me. My
heart felt like it was being ripped apart. I dared not look at him once
more. I turned and walked out the door...
We were separated 'for good' just like that...

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER NINTEEN

FEELING LOST! A kind of feeling of lost that I had never experienced

before. As if I had lost something important but couldn't go and try to
find it. Despite that, my better judgement told me that I should never
play with fire again!
Fortunately, the joy of wedding quickly drown out my misery. The wedding
was at the banquet room of 'Capitol'. It was crowded, extravagant and
proud. I saw my mother's face flooded with smile. Surrounded by close
friends, we went through every kind of party games. Tsung-ping and I
munched together at an apple and candies hanging down. We were goaded to
tell our love story, to sing a bawdy version of 'A Couple Going home
Together'...I felt really happy, not just because I owned Lin Tsung-ping,
but more because I was having the blessings of my folks and my friends.
This was the first time I married, but married life was not strange to
me. Although there had never been a page of legal agreement between Lanyu
and me, we had lived a calm and solid life together, just like a married
couple.
Lin Tsung-ping had quit her job. She wanted to go to work in my company.
I didn't like the idea but I agreed. In our married life, I started to
discover the true Lin slowly, She was discerning about everything
involving eating, drinking and dressing. She would only use brand name
products. Even the toilet paper in the washroom did not escape her
attention. She told me that the domestic designer brands were all
rubbish, and things from Hong Kong were crass too. She had heard that
only items from posh shops in Japan and the Fifth Avenue in New York were
truly upscale. She would go to the beauty saloons in hotels everyday to
do facials and skincare or hairdo. She hired a young live-in maid because
her long, slender and well-manicured fingers should not handle
housework...I did not mind her spending so much on these things. I just
wondered how come a girl from a poor family, who had been a poor student
and working girl like her could enjoy my fortune with such ease.
She was never happy about the imported Japanese Honda I gave her. She had
hoped for a Mercedes. She had asked me why hadn't I bought a villa in the
suburbs. I told her I liked to live downtown because of the convenience.
But she was still so delicate, sweet and graceful...
That day, after making love, she lay in my arms with her back on top. I
looked at her misty and mysterious eyes:
"Humph! You're like a scheming she wolf!" I laughed.
"And what are you?" She laughed too.
"I'm like a dumb fat sheep!"
"Ha! You big rotten egg!" She hit me laughingly. "Actually you are an
intelligent, romantic, compassionate and sly play--boy--!" She got a
little carried away. But her comment was not without some truth.

TIME FLIED. I had parted with Lanyu for over six months. He kept our
promise and we did not contact each other. But every time my mobile rang,
I would wonder if it would be Lanyu calling. I didn't know whether it was
expectation or dread. The day we parted, he had surprised me with his
reaction. He had been calm, rational and at ease. He was stronger than I
had imagined him to be, and that lessened my worry.
I tried my best not to think about Lanyu, about our feelings. But I would
think of him when I made love with Lin.
I was caressing Lin Tsung-ping's smooth, white and clean body, looking at
her coy smiling face, but my sexual desire was far from aroused. I closed
my eyes. Lanyu's clear and handsome face again emerged in my mind's eye.
It was as if I was caressing his smooth shoulder and back, caressing his
healthy and bouncy skin...my cock started to get erect...I dared not think
more, because I wanted to lick his body. And if I did that To Lin, this
sweet dream of mine would burst like a bubble. I hurriedly raised Lin
Tsung-ping's legs and pushed my penis in. But making it all the more
painful was the fact that I could not ejaculate for a long time, because
the stimulation was not there. I had to rely on my imagination again to
reach my climax.
After that, when I made love to Lin Tsung-ping, I mostly chose to do it
from behind. It was all right at first. But then this became harder and
harder to satisfy me. I could only rely more and more on masturbation to
satisfy myself. Eventually, I decided to find another boy.
It was a boy I had met only once before. He was twenty-five or twenty-six
and was introduced by a friend. My memory about him has faded now, I can
only remember that he had intelligent and alert eyes. It must have been
because I had not made love to a man for a long time, I was particularly
turned on with that boy. When I was reaching my climax, I yelled
senselessly about something. Afterwards, the boy asked me smiling if I
had had a friend called Lanyu, for I called out his name when making
love...

I THOUGHT I should call Lanyu on the phone. Not for anything else, at
least just to see how he was doing. I called his mobile, but it was not
on. I called his workplace. A woman answered.
"Excuse me, I want to speak to Lanyu." I said.
"Who are you?" She asked. I hated to be interrogated when I called
someone.
"I'm a schoolmate from the university." I tried to be patient.
"He does not work here anymore." She said with disinterest.
"He's transferred?"
"He was fired!" She was starting to get impatient.
"...Why?!" I was shocked.
"I'm not sure!" she was very unfriendly. I had to hang up.
I called 'Scandinavia' in the evening, but nobody answered. It was the
same at one o'clock past midnight. The following day, I sent Liu Qsing to
the telephone company to investigate the conditions about Lanyu's mobile
and the phone in 'Scandinavia'. Both phones were still on my company's
account. He came back to tell me that both phones had not been used for
over six months. There was a premonition that something was not right.
"You want me to go to his company to check what is wrong?" Liu Qsing
suggested.
"We go together!" I was afraid the news would not be good.

LIU QSING carried a reference letter, lying that it was because we

intended to employ Lanyu that we came to investigate. A guy from security
and another guy from personnel received us.
"It's like this," said the man from personnel, "about five months ago,
our company got several faxes, exposing certain undesirable behaviors
involving Lanyu."
"..." Liu Qsing and I were aghast.
"That boy looked all right when he first came here. He was a graduate
from 'China U', and quite good looking too. Who could imagine that he was
a male prostitute?" The guy from security explained with glee.
"Could I see the fax?" Liu Qsing reacted faster.
"I have a copy here." The guy from security was particularly cooperative.
Probably because of the time lapse, the fax was quite blurred. It had
been typed from a computer, saying that Layu was seducing men outside and
making money out of it. That he hung around the big hotels to solicit
customers, providing sexual service for men...
Looking at the fax, I could not be sure if I was angry or shocked. I just
felt that there was something inside my throat, making me want to throw
up.
"These allegations may not be true, because he himself would not admit
them. We can't draw a conclusion basing on a mere fax." The man from
personnel who was wearing a pair of green army pants said.
"But looking at what he was wearing and using, where could a newly
graduated student get so much money? I heard that just the watch he was
wearing was worth a bundle." The guy from security argued.
I remembered painfully that it was a Rolex I bought for Lanyu from
America.
. "That's why he was fired?" Liu Qsing asked the cadre from personnel;.
"He was not fired. We just let him resigned. It was his wish. Huh! A
student, just in his twenties, he couldn't be too rotten. His work was
quite good. He was serious and responsible, and got along with the boys
well enough. As for seducing men...I could see he had not seduced anyone
in the company." The old soldier, who was in his forties, was quite
rational.
"If you want to hire him, you could give him a try. And a graduate from a
famous university too. But you must be careful of AIDS!" The man from
personnel said again.
"He had AIDS?!" Liu Qsing and I exclaimed at the same time.
"That kind all have AIDS, don't you know? The doctor from our healthcare
department said that." The old soldier sad solemnly.
I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry. My stomach was churning and I
wanted to throw up all the time.
Coming out from that construction company, Liu Qsing asked me;
"Whose fucking idea is this? Doing such a rotten thing?"
"Where do you think he would have gone?"
"Probably find some other work. Certainly must have something to do with
construction."

HE was not staying at 'Scandinavia', so where was he staying? Why hadn't

he come to me? We had agreed that he would come to me in an emergency.
According to the date on the fax, the day they got the faxes had been
when I was getting married. Maybe he did come for me and I had not known.
Could he had come out of this in one piece? He would not have done
something foolish, would he? I turned these questions over and over in my
head and my stomach started to ache.
I tried my best to find out about Lanyu and to investigate the source of
that fax, but to no avail. For the first time, I felt that Beijing was so
big. Nobody knew about him in the circle, and I couldn't find him in the
construction business in Beijing. I didn't know the phone number of his
folks but I had their address. I asked Liu Qsing to go to the northwest.
His father said he had not contacted his family for nearly a year. He had
vanished completely...
It is hard to describe how I felt at the time. Maybe not as painful as
when I had been parting with him. But I was very depressed. I felt fenced
in by the fear and the guilt. I was afraid that something had happened to
him and I would be burdened by the guilt. I had been an outgoing man, but
at that period, I became withdrawn and moody.

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER TWENTY
LIN TSUNG-PING was indeed a versatile woman. She had come to know a lot
of important people through me. She was now in better terms with 'Chan'
than even I, and I had profited a lot from this. She was in charge of
personnel in my company and was even restricting my free hands. I was not
happy about this. Her elegance, fashionable dressings, gracefulness and
charm were not attractive to me anymore, for I could see through them and
I could see a lot of hypocrisy. And our sex life had become a disaster
for me.
I was chatting with Lin Tsung-ping one day. She told me that Wei Kuo had
bought a villa at 'Northern Suburbs'.
"Actually, we should buy a house too." She said.
"Isn't it all right here?"
"This apartment is so crass. Only poor people live in this in foreign
countries!"
"I don't like 'Northern Suburbs'. It's too far away from downtown. I hear
that electricity and water supplies were often interrupted." I stalled
her with disinterest.
"But you have a house there, haven't you?" Tsung-ping looked at me with a
half-smile.
"It's not mine! It was a friend's house I had borrowed." I knew she was
talking about Lanyu's villa. This woman was so calculating.
She did not go on. I looked at her eyes. They were clouded, unfathomable.

THE SCORCHING summer was gone. The cool, autumn breeze caressed my face
as I walked along the road. This was my favorite season, and the most
beautiful in Beijing.
I was beginning to wonder how long the marriage between Lin Tsung-ping
and I would last. She was still very good to me. She was attentive,
caring and taking care of my everyday life. Even the clothes I wore
everyday would not escape her attention. She had the right to care about
everything about me and to spend my money because she was my wife. She
had the approval and protection of morality and law. But I started to
hate her, like I had done with the other women I had messed with before.
I was starting to get tired of her. I felt that we were only getting
along on the outside, that we were sharing a bed but dreaming different
dreams.
But I would not divorce Lin Tsung-ping no matter how you look at it. The
first reason was Tsung-ping's feeling towards me had not changed. The
second was that she was especially good to my mother, and that made me
happy and grateful. My mother did not wish to live with us. She would
rather live alone, saying that she would feel easier that way. Lin
Tsung-ping would drag me back to mom most weekends. I would either eat or
sleep in mom's house. Lin would chat happily with my mother. They looked
just like they were mother and daughter. And I would experience the kind
of joy of a family getting together. I was right marrying Lin Tsung-ping.
It was an afternoon with warm sunlight streaming into the house. I was
alone lying on the bed, drinking water and thinking about the negotiation
at the office of 'Tsun Tin', wondering if I had conceded too much. My
mother was fooling around with a brush and ink. She had enrolled into
some kind of a university for the aged, and was in love with Chinese
painting.
"You and Tsung-ping should have a child as soon as possible. What are you
waiting for?" Mom said as she was working on her painting.
"It's not that I don't want it. It's her that won't have it."
"Tsung-ping has told me all about it. It's you who hasn't tried hard
enough." Mom glared at me.
"Don't listen to her rubbish!" I didn't want to discuss this. I was
having sex with Lin only a few times a month, concentrating on her
ovulation period. But she just hadn't got pregnant.
"Are you having a fight with Tsung-ping? You have come to me all these
few days."
"No."
After a pause, she said again, "You know, the second daughter of Li
Tah-shan got divorced!"
"Ha! That's swell. I'll get you a new daughter-in-law in a couple of
days."
She turned to look at me startled. Then she saw the mischief in my eyes
and she laughed.
"You! You!" she said and went on with her painting. "Tsun-ping is really
not bad to you. Although she has come from a lesser family, she can take
a lot from you. Like that affair of yours, she not only did not give up
on you, but also cared a lot for you. If she hadn't told me, you would
still have not waken up now."
I was alarmed, but I didn't show it. I got out of the bed, walking
towards the sitting room, saying,
"It really was nothing. You've been making a mountain out of a molehill!"
"That's because we have acted decisively, and that little rascal dared
not bother you anymore."
My heart thumped wildly for a beat. I gripped my teacup tightly,
"You mean about that fax?" I tried hard to sound casual.
"It was Tsung-ping's idea too. I had wanted to find that little rascal
and tell him that if he came after you again, I would report it to the
leadership."
I was silent for a few seconds, looking at the teacup in my hand....Then I
hurled the cup at the opposite wall with all my might. After the crash, I
dashed out of the front door. I heard my mother yelling frantically after
me, but I did not turn...

IT WAS midnight. I came out of the bar, driving but not knowing where to
go. Gradually, I was driving into the villa area of 'Northern Suburbs'. I
wanted to go back to 'Scandinavia' to take a look. I had not been there
for close to a year. Since the separation, I could not muster the courage
to step into this house. Besides, it was no longer my property.
The electric door opened unhurriedly, I drove into the garage. I had had
agreed with Lanyu that the one on the left side was mine. I looked at the
one on the right. I didn't know why, but I opened it. As the door raised
itself, I could see Lanyu's white Lexus. I was overjoyed. He was home?
I rushed to the front of the house and opened the door. A musty smell
caused by the lack of ventilation rushed at my face.
"Lanyu! Lanyu!" I hollered twice without getting an answer. The room was
strangely quiet.
The spacious sitting room was kept very clean. The pack of cigarette I
had left when I was parting with Lanyu was still on the table. I walked
into the kitchen and the dinning room. I remembered that the day I left,
there had been some beverage left over by Lanyu. But nothing of that sort
was there now. When we were together, I had rarely helped with the
housework. I knew that Lanyu had never been good at this too, but he took
care of it except making meals. He liked to be tidy and clean, that
everything should be in the right place. I had laughed at him for being
tedious, but he said it was the style of an architect.
I came to our bedroom, looking at the bed on which we had made love
countless of times and my eyes became acid. I opened Layu's walk-in
closet. There were a lot of clothes. We had all minded what we wore, but
Lanyu had this habit of wearing those he liked best time and again. Those
he had not liked, no matter what the brand name or how upscale, he would
not be interested in.
I looked and reminisced about the titbits when we had been together. I
walked into his workroom. It seemed more spacious now although it was not
clear to me what was missing. I walked into our study. I rarely used the
room, though Lanyu would read here often. I remembered that day when he
was calling a schoolmate on the phone in this room. I saw his serious
face and was very amused. So I had stepped in quietly, then suddenly
yanked off his casual shorts. He was startled, desperately trying to hold
his shorts up with one hand and at the same time frowning at me, glared
at me and all the while going on with his conversation on the phone
business-like. I was so amused I started to take his clothes off. He
tried to stop me with one hand, but I caressed and kissed his body even
more rigorously. Then he just ignored me and let me fool around. At last,
he had hung up hurriedly and held me, pushing me onto the floor...
I did not want to go on with the memory. My eyes felt even more acid.
I turned and started to leave the house, then saw that there was a key on
top of the desk. It was Lanyu's car key. There was a gold-plated plaque
on the key chain. The plaque had been engraved for HK$20 when I and he
were touring Hong Kong, with two linked hearts and the words L&H under
it. We had made two of the same at the time. Mine had gone God knows
where but Lanyu had been using this key chain all along. I also saw that
one of the drawers of the desk was half-open. I pulled it open slowly.
Inside were papers to the tenancy rights, property rights and insurance,
etc of this house. Alongside was a bunch of keys to the rooms in the
house, and a mobile, a pager...
I went through the drawer hysterically, expecting to find some kind of a
note, letter, or a last testament. But I found nothing.
There was this unspeakable tiredness. I lay on the bed weakly. Lanyu, you
couldn't have done this. You want this to be on my conscience all my
life? I'm no gentleman, but I'm not so cruel and cold as to totally
inhuman...I thought and thought and gradually fell asleep. I didn't know
how long later, I was awakened by the ringing of the phone.
"You all right? The old woman and Miss Lin have been looking for you
everywhere! We are so scared!" Liu Qsing said frantically.
"Just tell them I'm not dead yet!" I hung up before Liu Qsing could say
anything more.

IT WAS like nothing had ever happened. I still had to face my mother and
Lin Tsung-ping just like before. I couldn't tell them how much the boy
meant to me and I couldn't tell them what they had done was so despicable
and vicious. I even had to deny to my mother that I had thrown that
teacup because of that boy. I just said I did that because I had had a
fight with Lin-Tsung-ping.
I went down with a flu. There was a slight fever. Countless medicines did
not help me. One month later, even I myself began to wonder if I was
suffering from some kind of incurable disease. Tsung-ping took care of me
with the utmost of thoroughness. And she got along with me carefully. My
mother asked me again about Lanyu and about the villa. I told her I might
not live for long, so leave me alone. Poor old mom was so scared she
never mentioned it again. This went on for two month. I recovered from
the flu. And I began to prepare for a divorce.

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

"TSUNG-PING, let's just get a divorce. It is painful for both of us to

maintain such a marriage." I wanted to discuss with Lin Tsung-ping openly
and sincerely.
"It shouldn't have come to this, right? I've not been good to you? Or
have I done something wrong." Tsung-ping asked with tears in her eyes.
"It's just that I feel we are not happy together."
"It's not a matter of happiness. It's just that you are tired of me.
We've been married for only a little over a year!"
"Whichever way you look at it, we must divorce!" I stood firm.
"Han-tung, we are both adults. Marriage is not a children's game. Don't
you think you are rushing it a bit?" Tsung-ping said forlornly.
"I've been thinking about it for a long time. I really think we can't
live together." I said, still without giving a solid reason.
These few weeks, Tsung-ping had been trying hard to save our marriage.
She had started to cook herself, and dinners were quite romantic too.
Under candlelight and in soft music, she had held my hand and said she
loved me. She had dragged me to concerts, leaning in my arms, just like
when we had first met. Once, the band had started playing 'Liang Tsu',
and I remembered that Lanyu had said the story of 'Liang Tsu' was
basically a gay story (Tsu had disguised as a man and befriended Liang)
and I told him that was rubbish. He had looked at me with his clear and
bright eyes and said he believed. Hearing the melancholic music, it had
been like looking at his eyes when he was speaking with that firm tone,
and thinking about Liang and Tsu's tragic love story, and the ending when
they turned into a pair of butterflies, my eyes blurred...

MORE THAN A month later, Chang who was in charge of finance told me Lin
Tsung-ping had moved away $300,000 from the company. That was the maximum
amount Lin could sign and cash. Lin had moved fast. I wanted to end it
faster. I told Lin Tsung-ping we couldn't drag on anymore.
"Han-tung, are you doing this because of a man called Lanyu?" After our
squabble, Tsun-ping suddenly asked.
"Something wrong with your head?" I tried to be sarcastic.
"Humph! Since when we were first dating, I knew I had a rival. But I had
never dreamed that my rival would be a man! How come the weirdest affair
of the century would happen to me?" Tsung-ping said helplessly.
"I'm fond of you, I don't mind your sickness of the mind. I have forgiven
you and helped you to overcome it. But here you are, wanting to divorce
me!" She said again.
"Cut the melodramatics. You are that kind-hearted? Maybe you don't mind
because you mind money even more?"
"Money! You think too much of money! Yes, I spent your money. But what
else have you given me except money? What else have you given me as a man
and a husband?" Tsung-ping yelled at me at the top of her voice. This was
the first time she had lost her composure.
"When did you ever care about me? Do you know what I want? I asked you to
go to my home once, and you said you were not used to the weather in the
south. When we married, my parents came all the way to see me. I asked
you to take one day off to be with them, and you said you didn't have the
time. But what have I done for your mother? I chatted with her, I took
her out..." She started to cry.
"I love you. I did not mind your breaking my heart time and again. I have
thought all along that a woman's tenderness would move you. But you? Have
you ever been responsible to me and to your family? I accompany you to
socialize, to go the rounds and to let you have fun. Have you ever
thought about what I wanted? I don't want to have your money, but what
else could I have? How much have you given me emotionally? Even in sex,
you can't be a normal husband!" Tsung-ping sobbed weakly.
"But you have gone too far on some things!" I said heavily..
"You finally admit it. You hate me because of that thing about the faxes.
I did nothing wrong. As a wife, I had to protect my husband and my
family!" She had finally cooled down.
"You could have ruined that boy!" I roared at her.
"Stop making me sick, will you? So what difference does it make with one
less of his kind?"
I looked at her pretty face, and I wanted to punch her! But I wouldn't
hit a woman.
"Don't talk nonsense! You have already taken away three hundred thousand,
I'll give you another two hundred thousand, and we call it even."
"You are not afraid that I will tell about you?"
"Then you are underestimating me! Just you try, and see which one of us
will be ruined at the end of the day!!" I scoffed.
Tsung-ping was silent for a moment, then started to weep. It was the weep
of despair. After a long time, she looked at me helplessly: "One million!
That's not too much for you." She had finally named her price.

MY SHORT-LIVED first marriage had ended. I had lost too much because of
this. But just as Lanyu had said, where there was loss, there must also
be some gain. I had gained the evidence that I had never admitted but was
a fact: regardless of whether I was in it deep or not, I was a
homosexual.
My mother had done nothing to stop my divorce, but I could see in her
eyes a new kind of anxiousness and worry. She said that I must find
another suitable woman to marry again. I thought: I'm afraid no woman is
suitable for me.
Before my divorce, I had been maintaining a sexual relationship with a
man. He was a graduate of literature and was working as an editor in a
newspaper. He had often teased me, saying that although I had come out of
'South U' majoring in Chinese literature, I was close to an illiterate.
He was not tall but very handsome, the 'cool' type. He was nearsighted so
he had to wear contact lenses all the time. He was four years my junior
and ours was an excellent partnership. When we were together, we had a
lot of common conversation. He was fond of me genuinely. I was rather
fond of him too but had kept a distance. I had told him a little about
Lanyu and he advised me to let it go. He was the only one who could
understand that. After my divorce, he had hoped that we could have a
closer relationship. But I said I had an empty place in my heart which
could not be erased and which no one else could fill. He said he could
understand. Then we parted and I had not tried to find other 'friends'. I
was extremely lonely, but I liked it that way.
I had put almost all my energy into my business. My joint venture
cosmetic factory was a mess. I really knew too little about running an
enterprise, marketing and management. I gave up the factory. I would
develop what I did best, do commerce more. I saw a chance and grabbed it.
But I needed a lot of capital. So I began working on fundraising.
I stayed at 'Scandinavia' a lot of time, because that was Lanyu's home. I
was hoping that he would come back suddenly one day. I did not believe
that he had vanished just like that. I was waiting for a miracle to
happen...

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

I NEVER liked summertime in Beijing, and summer had to be the longest

season here. I counted the days since I had separated with Lanyu and
found it had been one year and nine months. We had parted on a day deep
into the autumn. How many more autumns I had to wait before I found him?
That day, I was invited by a friend to attend a construction materials
exhibition. That friend was a real estate developer who had hoped for a
joint venture with me. I was not interested but had to go to save face
for him. After socializing, I did not leave immediately but strolled
around the grounds in leisure. It was a large exhibition with a lot of
foreign businesses and joint venture enterprises taking part. I liked the
designs of some of the booths. Even though I was not in the construction
business, I thought them interesting.
My eyes roamed aimlessly and were suddenly caught by three men. They were
in front of a Japanese booth. One westerner and two Chinese were talking.
The one on the left was a small, middle aged man. The boy in the middle,
no, he looked too much like Lanyu! My heart thumped wildly and I was
having difficulty breathing.
He was wearing a dark blue suit, complimenting his outstanding and
symmetrical body. He had changed to a crewcut hairstyle, which lessened
his purity but added a kind of sophisticated appeal. They seemed not to
be conversing in Chinese, with Lanyu interpreting for the middle-aged man
from time to time. He seemed witty and suave. It was too far away for me
to see his face clearly, but I knew that was Lanyu.
I moved forward a little, hiding behind the column of a booth to observe
him. They stopped talking. Both the westerner and the middle-aged man
left. He turned and went into his booth, stood behind the information
counter, producing from underneath it a bottle of mineral water, opened
it and drank. A very pretty girl was standing beside him. He said
something to her and the girl pouted. They were chatting and the girl's
eyes never left his face. I remembered that he had not been used to get
along with girls. But he could be so free and relaxed now. After a short
while, the middle-aged man returned, giving them some order and patted
Lanyu on the shoulder. I was not happy looking on. Then Lanyu seemed to
be leaving with the middle-aged man. I stepped out from behind the column
without thinking. They were walking my way...In that split second, our
eyes met. Lanyu froze with surprise. He had not changed a bit. He was
still so handsome, his eyes filled with surprise. But the surprise was
quickly replaced by something else. Was it pain or hate? He didn't show
any emotion. His eyes left me and he walked briskly ahead.
I froze in daze, not knowing what to do. Then I pulled myself together
and walked briskly towards the exit too.
I ran rapidly to the parking lot, told my driver to go and climbed into
my car, my eyes fixing on Lanyu and the middle-aged man. They climbed
into a Japanese limousine and drove out. I followed close behind.
My mind was in chaos. Where would they go? That middle-aged man looked
like Japanese. What was the relation between them?
The car stopped at 'Tien Hwa' building where there were offices mostly
rented by foreign businesses as their headquarters in Beijing. I watched
them got out of the car and went in together. As this was a working
place, their relationship must be between a boss and an employee. That
made me feel better. I waited in the car, but I didn't know what I was
waiting for. Around 5 p.m., people started to come out of the building. I
was at a beautiful vantagepoint. There were so many beautiful boys and
girls in Beijing and they were converging here. I paid attention to every
boy that came out but did not see Lanyu. He finally came out at a little
before six. He had gotten out of that suit and was wearing trousers with
an ordinary T-shirt with a round collar. He was not carrying anything. He
just walked out briskly. I was glad that I was driving my company's black
Audi. I could watch him real close. He went to the 011 bus stop and stood
among the crowd that was waiting for the bus. He glanced at his
wristwatch, then looked once far off.
I looked at him and my heart felt as if a spice rack had toppled inside,
tasting I didn't know what. I had had let him live the life of a Chinese
'aristocrat' and given him richness and glory, even given him a luxurious
house. But in the end, he had taken nothing, cared about nothing. And
when I had deserted him so coldly, he gave them all back to me cruelly.
He wouldn't give me any peace of mind. There he was standing there, like
an ordinary Beijing citizen. Only his handsome face and body stood out.
I followed the little bus Lanyu had hopped on and drove along slowly. He
changed bus once, finally arriving at the front yard of a big sprawling
apartment complex at "Tsing Huo". He bought some tomato or something,
then went into the doorway of an apartment block. I drove to the front of
the door. Through the smoke-tinted glass, I memorized the number.
I wanted to go inside for him, but I could not find the courage. But I
didn't want to leave just like that.
I just stayed in the car like that, watching the windows lighting up one
after another and wondering which one belonged to Lanyu. Then two men
came out. I was sure one of them was Lanyu. I couldn't see clearly the
face of the other man in the dusk. He was bespectacled and looked a
gentleman, probably a few years older than Lanyu. They came out into the
courtyard. The stranger unfolded a bicycle. Lanyu stood real close to
him. That boy seemed to squeeze Lanyu's hand, then got on the bicycle and
disappeared into the night. Lanyu idled outside for one or two minutes
before returning into the building....
I was listless for several days afterwards. I wanted to see Lanyu but
could not muster the courage. I thought carefully about the scene in
which we looked at each other the other day. He hated me, was disgusted
with me? He looked doing fine. He had a good job and a 'friend'. I
shouldn't go and disturb him. He did not need me at all.
I must go to him, because I needed him!

I ARRIVED in front of 'Tien Hua' building at five in the afternoon,

watching Lanyu coming out with several coworkers. I didn't say hello to
him. I just drove straight to 'Tsing Huo'. I parked and stood waiting for
him in front of the building in the area reserved for visiting relations.
I waited for a long time, until it was totally dark and approaching nine.
I remembered that unusual night when I waited anxiously for him to return
at 'Temporary Village'.
He finally came back. He was ready to go in when he noticed me nearby. He
stopped for a moment.
"Han-tung?" His voiced floated across.
"..." I looked at him in the dark of the night.
"When did you come? How do you know I'm here?" He asked.
"I've been here for a while." I said quietly.
"..." Both of us didn't know what to say.
"You want something?" He opened his mouth again first.
"Nothing. Just looking at you!" What he had said left me cold, but I was
calmer as a result.
We just stood there embarrassed. Then a man came out of the door and
Lanyu acknowledged him.
"Why don't you come in and sit for a while?" He said. I couldn't tell
whether he really meant it or was just being courteous.
I followed him upstairs to the third floor. He stopped in front of the
middle one of three units and unlocked the door. It was a small
three-room apartment. A simple dinning table and a few chairs were in the
middle of the small living room. One of the bedroom doors was closed. In
the other were a double bed and two desks, bookcases and some trunks.
The room was not big but kept very clean. Because of the simplicity of
the furniture, it had a feeling of freshness and elegance.
"You rented this place?" I asked.
"Yes. Only the living room and one bedroom. The other bedroom belongs to
the landlord."
"An empty room?"
"Yes. I was told that the occupant of the room is abroad. Still, this
place is a good find too."
We sat in the living room, my eyes were on him but he was avoiding eye
contact.
"You want some water?" He broke the silence again.
"I'm not thirsty!"
He turned to go into the kitchen, came back with two bottles of beer. "We
have only this to drink here!" He laughed as he tried to open them, then
stopped:
"Oh, yes, you have to drive. I have forgotten." He looked at me and
laughed.
He went into the bedroom, came out with a pack of cigarettes and handed
it to me.
"You don't smoke?" I knew he didn't smoke but still asked.
"You know I'm not into this." He said. It was obvious that this was
somebody else's cigarette.
I didn't touch the pack but looked at him.
"I see you are doing fine!" I said.
"I get along." He looked at me frankly, as if telling me that he was
doing very well.
"How's business?" He asked.
"So-so."
"Our mom's well?" His tone was flat, as if he was asking for the sake of
asking.
"She's fine!" I smiled and tried to be as suave as I was when talking
business.
We exchanged some more unimportant remarks. Then I got up to go.
"Can I have your number?" I mustered the courage to ask.
He took a calling card from the desk. "You can page me if you want
something." He said.
We went downstairs. He suddenly asked me, "You got any kid?"
"No!" I didn't tell him I was divorced. Then we said no more.

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

LANYU WAS alive! And he had his own life! My fear, anxiety and worry
these past two years were for nothing! I no longer had to face the
pressure of my conscience. I could live recklessly like before again!
He had changed. He was not the Lanyu I had known anymore.
I was holding his calling card. On it were the words 'Tai Huo'
Construction Company, Sales Representative and Lanyu. What more could I
do? Need I call him again? As these thoughts swirled in my mind, I
unconsciously picked up the telephone. My phone rang less than a minute
after I had called him.
"Excuse me. Who has called 23455667 please?" He asked.
He had been calling the number of my office for more than four years, and
now he was asking me who had called him! ! My eyes turned red. I felt
betrayed.
"It is I, Chan Han-tung!" I said coldly.
"You want something?" He asked.
"Nothing!..." I said.
"...I'm working. If there is something you want, we can find some place to
talk."
"..."
"Or you can come to my place tonight?" He said. And he sounded so
indifferent.
"Good!" I put down the receiver and swore to myself that this was the
last time I would go to him.

I KNOCKED at Lanyu's door at sundown. Just like last time, I sat there
embarrassed while he received me courteously.
...
"Had dinner?" He asked.
"Yes." I saw that there was a plate of leftover raw cucumbers.
"You live here alone?" I asked. There was no anxiety and compassion in me
anymore. I just wanted to get this over with and leave.
"No!" He was still so honest.
I chuckled. "I won't be here again. I just wanted to see whether you are
doing fine ...I've been looking for you for more than a year, afraid
something might have happened to you...Humph!" I scoffed at myself, "I
have owed you in the past, I can't make it up to you. So just let me be
in debt forever... I have divorced...If you needed me in any way...I mean
except for money, you could come to me..."
His head was lowered and his eyes were expressionless.
"Take care!!" I gazed at him, said very seriously, then got up and walked
towards the door.
When I reached for the handle of the door, I felt my arm was clutched
tightly. I turned to look at him. We were standing very close. I could
feel his breath, smell his odor. Two years, and this was the moment I had
been dreaming for. But he did not look me in the eye, just my shoulder...I
could not control myself. I took him into my arms in a flash and tried to
press his body into mine with all my might. He held me the same way. He
made no sound, but I could feel my shoulder where his face was pressing
turned wet. Then he started to cry, still so suppressed but really cried.
And he bit my shoulder fiercely...
...He had not behaved like this even when we had been parting. Why?
After I din't know how long, I wiped off the tears on his face and tried
to ease off and look at him. But he held me tight and would not let
go...Another long time afterwards, he let go of me. There were no more
tears on his face. His eyes were red like those of a rabbit. I looked at
his eyes, nose and lips. I moved my lips over his. His lips were very
dry. I stuck out my tongue and licked them for him. He stood there
unmoving and let me lick away...I stopped and observed his face. He gazed
at me. I couldn't tell whether it was pain or happiness in his eyes. I
closed my eyes with a heavy heart and went on kissing his chin, his
neck...
I took off his T-shirt for him, his tanned and smooth skin finally
showing before my eyes. I caressed it, rubbed it with my face...I knelt
down, slowly unbuckling his belt...I looked up and observed him again. He
was standing there looking down at me, seemingly high and mighty, his
eyes cold and filled with disgust, as if he was looking down at a waiter
serving him. My self esteemed received a tremendous blow. But this kind
of insult also aroused my desire to be tormented. Very well! Let me be a
whore just this once today. I would pay back what I had owed him. I
performed fellatio for him and he closed his eyes in enjoyment. My mouth
was numb, my mind was numb, I was waiting for his climax...Then he
ejaculated, squirting all over me. There was even sperm on my face. I
went into the toilet, cleared away the sperm, then came out and told him
I was leaving. He was putting on his pants and he froze hearing that.
"Why?" He asked bewildered.
I leaned on the door looking at him. I laughed, "I have told you. You can
come to me if you need anything."
He looked at me, his eyes again filled with tears. He took me into his
arms abruptly, kissing my face fiercely...I almost lost my balance and
sank weakly onto the cold floor. He went on his knees too and went on
kissing me, and starting to take off my clothes...He pulled me up from the
floor, pulled me into the bedroom and slowly pressed me down on the
bed....
I felt dizzy at the moment of climax and I couldn't help yelling,
"Don't leave me! Don't leave me, please!!"...
We lay on the bed exhausted. My eyes were closed. It was as if we were
floating on a calm sea, gently swaying with the water...A wave crashed
down on us, and we were swept into the swirling water again...Until we
were pushed up onto the crest of the wave...Then calmness again... And then
once again...

I SAT in my office, reviewing what about last night scene by scene. I

picked up the phone and called Lanyu. I asked him if he wanted me to pick
him up tonight. He hesitated for a moment and said he had something to do
that night. I asked him what was it. He said after a long pause,
"I have a 'friend' coming!"
I didn't say anything. I just hung up...

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

I DID not contact Lanyu again for one week. I was waiting, waiting for
him to call me. Then it dawned on me that he would not take the
initiative to call me. Two more weeks had passed. I called him again,
telling him that I wanted to treat him to a dinner. He said it should be
on him. We squabbled for a while. Finally, he said iwe could eat at his
place if I didn't mind. I agreed.
I saw that a lot of takeaway food was on the table when I stepped into
his place. There was no improvement on his cooking obviously. We
exchanged greetings. He stayed in the kitchen making preparations. I went
into the bedroom and saw that there was a lot of books piled on the desk,
mostly references about TOEFL and GRE. On the other desk was a television
set, beside which were a Walkman and a cassette. The cassette was a tape
of English songs "Classic Romantic Love Songs'. Lanyu did not like
English songs, so it must have been a gift from his 'friend'.
We started to eat. He watched me pick up a piece of stir fried green
pepper he had made with my chopsticks and asked,
"Is it good?"
"It's just terrible!" I laughed.
"Don't eat it! Spit it out!" He laughed too.
We ate in silence. Then, after a long time, he said,
"You didn't laugh at me the other day, did you? I don't know what came
over me, so weak." He probably meant about his crying.
"I didn't do any better myself!" I laughed.
Then we were silent again.
At night, we started to make love. It was only then that I felt I really
owned him. We had lived together for more than four years. We were
excellent partners in bed, like water mixing with milk. We knew what the
other wanted and knew how to do it more passionately and involved than
before.
Beijing in August had not cooled down the least bit. It was even more
suffocating hot in his tiny apartment. Afterwards, Lanyu fetched me a
bottle of iced beer. He leaned on the bedstead, holding the beer, his
eyes glued on the television. An American cops-and-robbers film was on
and they were battling like hell in it. Lanyu liked historical war films
or anything with violence. I had told him he was tasteless but he said I
was just being cynical.
"How long have you been working in that Japanese firm?" I asked him.
"Probably a year." His eyes were still on the TV.
"Why did you leave 'City Ninth Construction'?" I asked although I knew.
"Isn't it better working for a foreign enterprise?" It was obvious that
he didn't want to tell me anything.
"Was it because of that fax?" I asked after a pause.
"How do you know?' His eyes left the TV and looked at me in alarm.
"I have gone there looking for you. I was scared stiff, afraid that
something had happened to you."
"Humph! It's not such a big deal!" He grimaced and looked at the TV
again.
"Why hadn't you come to me?" I asked.
"What's the use? I couldn't stay on in that company anyway." He sounded
uninterested.
"At least I could help you find other jobs."
"..." He seemed to be watching TV but I knew his mind was not on it.
"Where did you go afterwards?" I asked again.
"Just messing around! I didn't starve anyway. Don't talk about this,
okay?" He said harshly with impatience.
He was frowning slightly, the expression on his face was painful. I
looked at him and my heart ached. Silence again. Then I opened my mouth
first,
"My wife did it!"
He looked at me astonished, "So fucking evil!! And you married such a
whore!"
I could say nothing.
He calmed down, "It's over anyway. So long as you didn't do it."
"You could think that I did it?" I asked him aloud, "I was so fucking
worried I almost gone mad. I have searched every nook and cranny in
Beijing! I was most scared that you..." I couldn't go on.
"It's no big deal really. Something would seem horrible at the time it
happened. But bite down on your teeth and it soon belonged to the past."
He said calmly, his eyes still on the television.
"Actually, this thing about the fax did not despair me as much as our
separation." He turned to face me and said.
Those sad eyes I had known so well and which had bewitched me. Those eyes
that had aroused my desire countless of times were now like a knife
stabbing at my heart. I looked at him. Because of the fervor of
lovemaking, the front part of his hair was still wet and matted on his
forehead. His jet black eyes were gazing at me, with his lips closed
tightly... I kissed him, sticking my tongue into his mouth, licking up and
down, and he responded... We didn't make love again, just went on kissing
like that...
He got up very early in the morning. He said he should absolutely not be
late working for that Japanese company. We went together. I wanted to ask
him if he wanted a lift but I dared not open my mouth. He walked to the
bus stop hurriedly. Before parting, he said he would contact me again. He
must have been hinting that I should not call him at my whims. I didn't
mind. I had made him a promise that he could come to me if he needed
anything.
When I was with Lanyu, I would feel very close to him, especially when we
were making passionate love. I would know that was Lanyu and he had not
changed. But other times, I would feel that we were far, far apart. I was
experiencing for the first time the agony of one-sided love. I was sure
that was one-sided. I tried very hard to get out of this situation by
meeting other men, even women. But Lanyu was like a drug. I would crave
for it when I couldn't get it. I would enjoy it like I was in a cloud
when I could get it. But I was in endless pain when I had sobered up.
We were just maintaining a sexual relationship. I never asked about his
life, and he was indifferent to mine. We did not mention our past at all.
We just talked about sex, never love. At first, Lanyu would call me only
once for a long time. Then the pace quickened. Why? Because I was more
attractive to him than other men?...
I went to 'Tin Hua' to pick him up that day. On our way, I suggested we
go to 'Scandinavia'. I really couldn't get used to his simple apartment.
"Let's go to 'Scandinavia' today?" I asked.
"I'm not going there." He refused flatly.
"But that's your house."
"I don't want it!"
"You hate me that much?" I said bitterly.
"I don't hate you."
"Then why don't you want it?"
"Humph," he scoffed, "You have bought my virginity for one thousand
dollars. Now you want to buy my feelings with a house?'
"..." I was so mad my hands started to shake. I pulled up by the roadside.
"Get out!!" I said.
He turned and got out of the car without hesitation and walked towards
the opposite direction.

back to top
___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

WE MADE up not long afterwards. I felt that Lanyu was right. We had
better not talk about anything else except sex. I had the premonition
that we would be apart. Totally, permanently apart.
Once, I called a friend on the phone when I was at his place and I had to
write down a phone number. I asked Lanyu where was the pen and he said
inside the drawer. I pulled opened the drawer and went through it
roughly. I couldn't see a pen, but several photographs caught my eyes.
Most of them were that of a boy who looked very much like the one I had
seen that evening in my car. He was not handsome but not ugly,
intelligent looking and bespectacled, very much an intellectual. Only one
of the photos showed them together, two graceful boys sitting on two
rocks smiling naturally. My heart felt like there was a knife twisting
around inside.
One Saturday afternoon, Lanyu asked me to go to his place. He seldom
dated me on weekends. I had bitterly told myself that I was his Tuesday
lover. This time I told him I had an important dinner at night that I
must go to. He asked me where would that be and I told him at 'Fang
Hsian'.
It was past ten o'clock at night when I had finished socializing. I was
dizzy because I had too much to drink. I staggered to my car and was
about to open the car door.
"Chan Han-tung." I heard Lanyu call my name.
I was astonished to see him at the other side of my car
"How come you are here?" I was surprised.
"I've been waiting for you for some time." He said laughing...
It was nearing the end of October and it was cool. And Lanyu had been
standing out there waiting for me for two three hours. What did he mean
by that? Was he not fond of me anymore?
I let my driver go and we drove to 'Tsing Huo'. I asked him why had he
waited for me and he said he had nothing to do anyway.
Sunday morning, we were snuggling under the blanket. The heating in his
small apartment was minimal.
I held him, letting him press against my chest.
...
"I hope we could be just like before! I have no one else. Just the two of
us." I wanted to make a last ditch effort.
He was again silent, just lying in my arms.
"Give me a chance. Give both of us a chance. My feelings towards you...it
has never diminished but stronger day by day. I mean it!" And I really
meant it.
"You're not a true...How could you mean it?" He said.
"I am! Now I feel nothing about women!" I said firmly.
"You feel nothing now, but maybe you will feel something later on!
Besides, you have your mother and your career." He said.
"..." What could I say?
"I have a friend, he is very nice to me. We have a good relationship. I'm
already unfaithful to him. I can't hurt him anymore." He suddenly
whispered.
Lanyu. There he was lying in my arms telling me he should be good to
another man. I hated it!
"These couple of years, you have met only this one guy?" I let go of him
and lay flat.
"Humph! A lot! Most of them just wanted to come up and do it. Fuck!" He
laughed.
"How did you meet?" I asked.
"At 'China U'. That day I had been sitting on a bench at 'The Island' for
a whole day. I knew that a man was watching me. Until very late, he came
over and asked me if I was a loser in love. And he handed me a
cigarette."
"You are schoolmates?"
"No. But we could talk. He has given me a lot..." He too was lying flat,
his eyes on the ceiling.
"Before, when I was with you. No matter how scared inside, I would think
of you and I would be afraid of nothing. Only after we had gone our
separate ways did I find out that people like me are too difficult!" He
said again.
"I hated you for getting married at the time. But now I could understand.
It is quite good the way you are. You can live with a man or a woman." He
continued.
"You can get married if you wish." I said.
"I won't!" He said with no uncertain term.
I did not want to go on talking with him. I did not want to hear him say
how good that man was. I caressed his body, looked at his enchanting
face. This beautiful big boy, let me get crazy with him once more.
I let him lay flat on his back on the bed, took my necktie from the desk.
We smiled looking at each other. I raised his arms and tied his hands on
the bedstead with the necktie. This was a way to play I had learned from
X-rated movies. He looked at me with surprise and excitement. I gazed at
his eyes,
"Be obedient or else!" I said.
I took the pillow towel to blindfold him. Then I started to kiss him. I
was not gentle, but like a predator munching at its prey. I not only
kissed him but also bit him. I looked at the teeth marks I left on his
body with agony and excitement. I moved close to his penis and swallowed
it as if I had found something extremely delicious. I sucked greedily and
felt immensely happy. But my eyes were a little acid...His cock could no
longer contain itself in my mouth...His hands gripped the bedstead real
tight...
I removed his blindfold. He looked at me in excitement. He must have had
seen the tears shimmering in my eyes. But very soon, he was the same as I
was...
"Turn over!" I commanded.
He turned over. The necktie on his wrists was already loose, but he was
holding on to the bedstead...
I embraced him and slowly delivered my penis into...
I climaxed. But that was a painful excitement. I held his body tight. I
wept, "I can't stand this any longer. Let's get married! I can marry
someone else, so why can't I marry you? ...I can give up anything! What do
you want me to do? Say it. As long as it is in my power!...the hell with
the difference between man and woman! I only love this person!! I am
perverted, I am a scoundrel, but I am in love with a person." I cried my
eyes out like I was mad...
Lanyu's body was shuddering in my arms. "I don't want anything! Just
you!" I heard him said laughing...
When we came out of the room and onto the street, we were just like two
casual friends. Or even less than that. As if nothing had ever happened
between us...

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

SINCE SPRING that year, I had been having this premonition that disaster
would strike. Nothing was going smoothly. My mother had another all-night
talk with me. She wanted me to get married right away. She told me over
and over the hazard of not marrying. She talked about her whole life, my
father and the difficulty of life. That I must not be reckless, be
responsible to my own life. I listened with amazement. My mother was a
high school graduate I knew, but I had not known that she was a
philosopher.
One day, I found my little sister looking at me with disgust. Later, my
mother told me that Lin Tsung-ping had told her about Lanyu and me long
ago. I was no longer the big brother she could look up to.
Business was no better. The general manager of 'Tsu Hang' was arrested.
He had been my chief financial backer.
I was afraid that I would be involved in the case, so I dared not make
any reckless move, adopting a wait-and-see attitude.
I started to consider my relationship with Lanyu with a cool head.
Whichever way I looked at it, I was ten years his senior and had passed
the age of raising a family. I could no longer being caught in the
quagmire of emotions like a teenager. It was not clear to me what Lanyu
wanted from me. I just wanted to give him everything I could. I no longer
minded what he was doing or going out with whom. I just wanted to
treasure every minute we were together.
One day in March, I was summoned by Lanyu. We made love and then chatted.
Then our topic touched upon mystics. About the soul and next life...
"Do you wish to meet me again in your next life?" I again asked the
question that troubled me.
"No." He answered simply.
"That means you are regretting?"
"I do not regret this life, but I would absolutely not be like this again
in my next life." He said. I could not comprehend.
...
"Beep, beep..." His pager sounded again. He checked it but did nothing
about it. He was reading a brief introductory of some school.
"Shit! It is certain that I could not go to MIT this life!" He said. He
had told me that this was a famous institute of technology.
"Your son can go in the future."
"Where would I get a son?" He looked at me laughing.
His pager sounded again. I threw him my mobile.
"I'd better go downstairs and answer it." He was a little embarrassed. He
turned and went out of the door.
He was flushed with excitement when he returned.
"What's the good news that makes you so happy?" I didn't want to ask but
couldn't help myself.
"He got a notice that he is accepted. Twenty-four thousand a year. It's
just great!" I could see he was really happy.
"What twenty-four thousand?" I couldn't understand.
"A whole scholarship. That's really enough! He can go surely this year!"
He was talking as if he was a small child.
I finally understood that his friend was going abroad to study. "So old.
What's he going for?" I said sarcastically.
"He's only twenty-eight! Not as old as you are!" He laughed with glee. I
hated it.
"Then you must try to catch up. Get ready and go together this year," I
could find no reason to be happy for him.
"That's easier said than done. Architecture is too hard to connect. A
whole lot of acceptance notices but no money." He said as his face
darkened.
He thought a little and said again, "Maybe I should take the GRE exam
again. I was this close to two thousand..." He seemed to be talking to
himself.
He turned silent again that night. He must have been feeling bad that he
and his friend were going to be separated temporarily.

APRIL. I received a notice that because of the involvement with the 'Tsu
Hang' case, my company's books were to be investigated thoroughly. I was
in an unprecedented crisis.
I rarely went home. I was afraid to face my mother's eyes. She rarely
smiled these days. Maybe she had given up on me.
Lanyu called me twice a week. I began to evade him or turn him down.
Besides, I was busy with something else.
That day, after making love with Lanyu, I asked,
"Where's your original passport?"
"I still have it." He looked at me curiously.
"Probably expired. You give it to me and I'll arrange a new one for you.
Also change a reason for going abroad." I said as I got off the bed and
took out an envelope I had brought along.
"Here are guarantees from a bank in the country and from a bank in
America. You have the acceptance notice letter, right? Just hold this and
you can get your visa."
He looked at me in amazement although I had said that without any
melodramatics.
"But this kind of visa is very hard to get." He knew a lot about this
kind of thing.
"Relax. I have a friend. She's in charge of the business visa section of
the Department of Economy and Commerce. And she's really friendly with
the undersecretary in the embassy. She'll take you there when the
passport is ready."
"This could be done?" He asked, still with doubt.
"No problem. You can try something else when you are in America, I have
deposited fifty thousand American dollars for you. If you have no place
to go, you can just borrow from it. You can pay me back later."
"..." He didn't say anything.
I thought he must have been touched.
After a while, he looked at me and smiled. Very relaxed but dryly, "You
really don't have to do this. I could see a long time ago that you are
again tired of me. You've been evading me and now you want to send me
away to America." He laughed even more, "You better save the money for
yourself. I can go sooner or later by myself." Then he started to put on
his clothes.
I didn't say anything and also got dressed myself. I picked up my own
things and handed him a calling card,
"Lanyu, this is that person's card. Wait till your passport is okay, then
call her. I have talked to her. She can certainly help you. This is a
chance. You want to be with your lover in America together, don't you? If
you don't want to do it, just burn these and throw them into the rubbish
bin." I also looked at him with mockery.
He looked at me quietly.
"Don't call me again. There are lots of people better in bed than I am."
I said.
He looked ghastly, the sadness again floating on his face.
"Right from the beginning, when we first met, you were convinced that I
meant only money to you. Our first fight was over this. You are ashamed?
But I am even more ashamed...All I have given was a few lousy dollars?!
Humph!" I laughed at myself.
He lowered his head without saying anything.
"I won't spend the night here this time. It's too cold here. I've been
tired of that a long time." I went to the door, "You are not seeing me
out?" I said as I opened the door.
He just stood there. "You don't know the way out?"
He was right. I should get out myself.

OUR SEPARATION was absolute this time. I was not in great pain. I just
felt that my heart had been hurt so much it had become numb. I imagine
that Lanyu would have felt the same before. After that, lanyu had called
me on the phone twice, saying that he wanted to buy me drinks. I told him
I was busy and I wanted to quit drinking too. I did not have time to
experience this agony of love anyhow. I was arrested one month later.
I don't want to say too much about the case, except that I remember the
day when I was arrested, some plainclothesmen came into my office to show
me the warrant and had me signed it. I stuck out my hands to let them
cuff them. I was not a brave man, but I was unusually calm that day.
Before that, I had the premonition that this thing would be very serious.
I had done a lot to try to protect myself. But I had found that in a time
like this, all friends were friends no more. I could understand.
I was accused of a lot of crimes, including bribery, conspiracy in
smuggling, illegal fundraising...You can come up with a lot of reasons if
you really want to get someone. Anyway, everybody was doing the same
thing, except that my backing was not strong enough. I was also not
ruthless enough. After so many years messing around in the business
circle, I was still too much of an intellectual.

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER TEWNTY-SEVEN

I WAS locked up in a sub-station. I was given the task of writing

explanatory information. The situation seemed horrible at the beginning.
I could be sentenced to death. I began to review my whole life. I had
done a lot of bad things, so maybe I deserved this. But the injustice of
it was that so many people were more evil than I and they were living
better than most people.
At that time, the only people I could think of were my mother and Lanyu.
Especially my mother. What would my death mean to her. I didn't worry
much about Lanyu. I just felt regret. He was the only love in my life,
but he did not understand. And he had never told me he loved me. I no
longer worry about whether I was a homosexual or heterosexual; this was
such a trivia when you were staring death in the face. Only the give and
take of feelings was the worthiest treasure
Soon, I had found out that there was a chance for the better. The lawyer
told me that the case could drag on for a long time. I was caught because
there had been a power struggle high up. I was only a small fry caught in
the crossfire. At first I could see no one except that incompetent
lawyer. Then I saw Liu Qsing.
I was given a chance to meet Liu Qsing alone in the office of the
pretrial department. Liu Qsing told me a lot of news. The assets under my
name and my company's name had all been frozen. The investigation was
still going on. Basically, my company had stopped functioning. The
executives had all left, as if when a big tree fell, the monkeys would
scatter every which way. Liu Qsing was trying everything to make
connections to get me out of prison.
"My mother is all right?" I asked Liu Qsing after talking about the case.
"She gets by! Don't worry."
"Please! Brother! See her more for me." I thought about not having
satisfied my mother's most basic request, and now she had to face the
fact that her son was in prison, I was so ashamed.
"Relax! Han-tung. Your mom is my mom, just like my own mother. Now I go
to see her almost everyday. I'm her son. I will feed her and bury her..."
My eyes were red. "Thanks!" I said.
Friends, this was my real friend. Lanyu had taught me that.
"Yes, here's a note from Lanyu. He asked me to bring it to you." Liu
Qsing said as he produced a note from his pocket.
It was in Lanyu's handwriting: Han-tung, everybody is trying to help you.
You must have faith. You can come out for sure. I will wait for you, for
no matter how long. You are in debt to me all your life, that's what you
have said and you can't go back on your own words. I am waiting! You
must, must take care of yourself!! Yu
I looked at the word Yu, and tears streamed down my face nonstop. We had
never addressed each other like that, but I understood what he meant...
"How come he knows about me?" I asked Liu Qsing.
"He called and couldn't get to you. He was worried and asked me. He came
with me today. Because I have agreed with Kuo Ti (the trial clerk) that I
was to see you alone, he has to wait outside."
"Tell him to get out of the country fast. He and I must end right here
and now." I said.
Liu Qsing did not answer that. He said again, "Lin has also called to
give her regards! She's quite worried about you. She asked if there was
anything she could do to help."
"Don't mention her!" I was feeling real bad.
"That woman is a little too scheming, but she is not bad to you." Liu
Qsing would always speak in her defense.
...

IT WAS a very hard March. You can imagine what prison life was like.
There was no trial, no legal procedure at all. I was just locked up like
that. The prosecutor and the man from banking investigation were quite
nice to me though. Especially the latter. We were virtually becoming
friends. Finally one day, I was told that I could go. Arrested for no
reason at all and released for no reason at all.
Coming out of the front door of the substation with Liu Qsing and the
lawyer, I saw Lanyu standing far away at the side of a car. Maybe because
I had not seen him for a whole summer, he looked unusually tanned and
lean. When we looked at each other, he sized me up and down, as if trying
to find something missing on me. We didn't say anything, but Lanyu's eyes
were on me all the time. Lanyu and I sat in the back of the car with Liu
Qsing driving. I looked outside the window. I was free, and was returning
alive to this city I was so familiar with...Suddenly, I felt my hand being
touched. It was Lanyu. He had placed his hand on mine hesitantly. I
looked at him. His eyes were firm and stubborn, his bright pupils filled
with emotions. I squeezed his hand tightly. Two men's hands holding
together with all our might. I was hurting. He must be hurting too. But
we did not let go, but holding on even tighter....
...
Liu Qsing drove the car to my home. Lanyu said he would wait for us in
the car. My mother appeared at the doorway before Liu Qsing and I could
go in. I stepped in front of her and she gripped my arms with both hands
real tight. Then she bawled. I held her, trying hard to keep calm myself,
"It's all right, mom! What are you doing! Isn't this well enough?" I was
stifling a sob.
My mother cried even more...
My sisters and Liu Qsing came up to comfort her. The old woman finally
stopped crying. Inside the house, I saw my mother gradually turned to
smiling, and I started to think of Lanyu in the car outside. Such a pity.
The only two people I could think of in my moment of life and death, and
they could not stand beside me at the same time. I lied to my mother that
I had some important business to tend to in my company and got out with
Liu Qsing.
"How come your are out so quick? Is our mom better?" Lanyu asked with
concern.
"She's all right. As long as she could see me." I laughed.
"Where are you going? I'll give you a lift." Said Liu Qsing.
"You hungry? Let's go get a meal? I'll treat" Lanyu suggested.
"Let me buy it. Just to celebrate Han-tung's safe return." Said Liu
Qsing.
"I want to take a bath first. And I don't want to eat out!" I hated
eating in restaurants, even though I had not had any decent food for
months.
"How about going to my place?" Suggested Liu Qsing.
We decided to go to Liu Qsing's place. It was a gathering for men. Pretty
soon, the room was filled with the smell of alcohol and swirling with
thick cigarette smoke. And we cursed from time to time. I was the first
to get drunk. Liu Qsing was somewhat inebriated. Lanyu drank very little,
but he looked happy, listening to Liu Qsing and I cursing at the general
unfairness of the world.
"Liu Qsing, here's to you! I must pay you back! We are friends for better
or worse. I must repay you!" I could speak from my heart when I was
drunk. Liu Qsing had taken out all of his three hundred thousand dollars
savings to help me get out. That was what he had done for a friend.
"Don't mention it. So long as you can get out, the money is well-spent."
Liu Qsing raised his glass and drank bottoms up with me.
I turned to look at Lanyu. He was silent but listening to us with
interest.
"Thanks for your note. I could not have stayed on in that hell hole."
He smiled easily, "Drink up!" He raised his glass to me...

THE CASE was finally closed. All charges against me were dropped for lack
of evidence. But because there were a lot of problems with the company,
such as evading and omitting paying tax, it was fined a hefty sum. The
rest of the assets were refunded. I was quite satisfied with such an
outcome. Although I was hurt bad financially, I could still make a come
back.
That was one huge disaster in my life, I was lucky to escape with my
life. And I had also learned something in it. It had changed my outlook
towards life. I began to live modestly and naturally.

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

IN LANYU'S tiny apartment, I lay in his arms as he studied me and kissed

me from time to time.
"Have I changed a lot?" I asked, meaning the way I looked after getting
out of prison.
"Not much. Just leaner."
"I thought you had forgotten about me!" I said.
"I was worried you couldn't take it. I remembered that when I first got
the faxes, all the leaders in the company wanted to talk to me. Security
had asked me to write information and details...I was so worried about
you." He was not good at expressing himself, but I understood.
I turned over to get up, took him in my arms and studied him carefully.
He really was a little different from when I had first met him. There was
this extra sophistication across his eyes and brows. Before, when he
looked at me, there would be this uneasiness and doubt in his eyes. But
now, when he looked at me, he was sure of himself and frank. He was a
little thinner than when we got together again. Why? Was it that it
pained him to be with me?
I lowered my head and with my moist lips kissed his brow, eyes and nose.
Then slowly moved to his lips. I licked him carefully and he also
responded by sticking out his tongue. I lowered my head even more. We
kissed with deep emotions...I raised my head to look at him, caressing his
hair gently with my fingers tangled in it.
"Tell me, why did you sign just the word 'yu' on the note you gave me?" I
asked.
He laughed but did not answer.
"You want me to pay you back. How?"
"Do what you think fit." He laughed.
I looked at him. Why didn't he tell me he loved me? But I could feel it,
and that was enough. This excited me more than a thousand words of sweet
nothings.
"I want you! Unless I died, let's just go on like this, okay?" My eyes
were gluing to his as I said that.
He laughed, again so relaxed. "What if we grew old?" He asked.
"Unless you think I'm too old for you!" I said.
He still laughed. His laugh made me so helpless, and a little
disappointed.
He must have observed my frustration. He turned around to press his face
against mine and kissed with me once again.
"You are a drug. I know I shouldn't touch it, that it would ruin my life,
but I am touching it again." He laughed and said.
God! It's such a coincidence that we both regarded each other as a drug.
I could say nothing.
"So you are addicted again. What are you going to do?" I tried to act
casually and asked.
"Waiting for the next rehabilitation!" He said. I couldn't understand.
"So when do you think this rehabilitation would take place?" I guessed
that he was hinting we would eventually go separate ways.
"Waiting for you to get married again. Or going out with someone else."
He was still laughing, relaxed, not serious at all.
Looking at his smile, hearing his words, my feeling was indescribable. He
absolutely distrusted me, but still he was willing to be with me without
a care in the world...
"Can you go abroad this year?" I tried to change the subject and asked
him about his plan of leaving the country.
"It's off a long time."
"He's gone?" I asked.
"Yeah.'
"Then it's through between you?"
"..." He did not answer.
"He must know a lot about us?" I asked.
"He knew nothing. I never told him."
I was surprised and couldn't understand.
"I never told anybody about us." He said again.
"Why?"
"I don't want to share it with anyone."
....
I could only sit there looking at him, dazed and in silence.
We had known each other for seven years. I knew feeling was most
important to him, but I had never dreamed that he would be so obsessed.
That night, we made love as if there was no tomorrow. Lanyu was extremely
turned on, indulging in the joy of sex madly. I was excited too but I did
it with real care, as if afraid he would melt in my arms. Afterwards, I
was awake almost all night, letting him sleep in my arms. And he slept
soundly. I thought about my life, my career, my mother and the days and
nights in prison. I swore to myself that unless Lanyu was tired of this
kind of life, I would stay by his side forever.

EARLY MORNING, when the sun rose in the east, we started to get busy
again in our own different ways. I dropped Lanyu off at his workplace,
then went back to my company to try to salvage something. It was like
returning to the beginning. It was hard but fulfilling. I had already
given up the reserved room at the hotel and sold the houses at 'Temporary
Village' and 'Movement Village' because I needed cash. Except going back
to my mother's occasionally, I stayed almost every day at Lanyu's small
apartment at 'Tsing Huo'. I joked that I was seeking refuge in him after
the fall.
He was very busy. That Japanese boss was hard on him. He always told me
that these foreign bosses were so mean, that he wanted to be another
Hitler, killing off all the Japanese. I said he was an extreme
nationalist and he said I was right. But he did his work well. That day,
he told me happily that the boss had given him a raise. So we went to a
restaurant and I made him pay dearly.
Lanyu never talked about the past, nor mentioned the future. He did not
believe in the future. We were happy now, and that was what counted. That
day, I was waiting for him from afar opposite the entrance of his
company. A very pretty girl came out with him and they were talking and
laughing. When Lanyu climbed into the car, I teased him,
"You are doing real fine. Landing a pretty girl like that."
"It is her that won't leave me alone." He was gleeful. I could imagine.
"Then why don't your grab the chance and bag her?"
He looked at me bewildered, then lifted one eyebrow with disgust, "That
would be hurting her."
I realized that I had a slip of tongue. "I was joking! I thought you were
fond of that girl!" I had to find an excuse for myself.
"I won't! I won't get married this whole life! I can't understand why
most of us eventually choose marriage. It's meaningless, and immoral
too." He said.
"Ho-hum!" I laughed dryly.

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

WHEN I was staying at Lanyu's place, he was responsible for most of the
expenses except when eating out. Both of us avoided talking about money.
It was a knot in Lanyu's heart, and also in mine. I often thought if we
had not met each other under such unusual circumstances, we would surely
be much happier.
One day, Lanyu told me that the landlord wanted the place back next year.
"He wants to raise the rent?" I asked.
"I have asked. He said the owner of the room might come back next year."
"Then find another place." I said.
"It's very hard to find."
I thought for a moment, then probed carefully, "Or maybe we could go back
to 'Scandinavia'?"
He didn't say anything, just went on making his fry rice with egg.
I passed him the salt and studied his expression carefully. He must have
been unhappy.
"Forget it. If you really don't like that house, I'll sell it. It happens
that I need the cash now."
He still didn't answer.
"You don't agree?" I asked.
He turned off the gas stove and looked at me smiling.
"I have already sold it!" He said lightheartedly.
I was so surprised I was speechless.
"Haven't you said you have given it to me? Changed your mind again?" He
seemed to challenge me deliberately.
"Sold it to whom? How much?"
"A real estate man from Shenzhen. Three hundred eighteen thousand
American." He said scrutinizing me.
"Haven't you told me that if I didn't like it, just sell it? I listened
to you." He laughed suavely.
I smiled stiffly, "You love me that much?"
"Right!" He was still laughing as he reached under my jacket. I
shuddered.
I did not ask him what he had done with the money.
I didn't know if I should be glad or worried about this unexpected news.
Money!
Lin Tsung-ping had said that I thought too much about money. It was true.
Since I found out that Lanyu had accepted that fortune, I felt that we
were even. I didn't need to be so careful towards him like before. And I
no longer felt guilty.

SUNDAY MORNING, I was still sound asleep when I felt someone groping all
over my body, in particular rubbing up and down at my penis. "This
stinking Lanyu. What a nuisance!" I thought laughingly. I pretended to be
still asleep to see what he was up to. He peeled away my blanket and
licked my body, then acted as if he was studying my body carefully. Even
scrutinizing my lower part. I couldn't help laughing. I shouted loudly,
"What are you doing?"
He gave a start, then flopped into my arms.
"I had never studied you properly." He laughed and said.
"I'm a map or what? You need to study me like that?" I laughed too.
"Ha! I was thinking why was it that we were almost the same size at
ordinary times, but when the time came you would be a little bigger." He
laughed even more, pressing on top of me.
"I am bigger at ordinary times."
"No, you're not."
"Get a ruler to measure it if you don't believe it." I said.
He went to get a ruler. But when he saw my cock again, he said,
"This doesn't count. This is absolutely not ordinary time!"
He laughed. I looked at him, then reared up and held him. "Let me measure
yours!" I said.
"With what?" He asked.
"With my mouth!" I said. He laughed, so sweetly and enchantingly.
I started to perform fellatio for him. I was drunk. I was so infatuated
with him I couldn't help myself. I stopped and gripped his chin.
"Love me?" I asked scowling.
He must have been made uncomfortable by my grip. He frowned, looking at
me, then, under my scrutiny, became emotional and nodded with effort.
"Say it!! Let me hear it!" I released my hand and demanded harshly.
"..." He looked at me but said nothing.
"I love you! I really love you!!" I gripped his chin tightly again and
confessed from deep within my heart.
He wriggled free and laughed.
God damned it! I hated his laughter. Ever since we were together again, I
had not been able to fathom how deep his feeling was about me.
He always smiled that uncertain smile...I lowered my head and sealed his
mouth abruptly with my mouth. Why should I force him to say it? He didn't
want to lie. We kissed. We rolled on the bed and kissed fervently...
Enough kissing and I again performed fellatio for him ...He called out my
name the split second before he spurt, but I still sucked him
greedily...He climaxed. I felt a hot stream of liquid shooting at my
throat. I backed off hurriedly...
Lanyu looked at me in astonishment, "Why, you ate it?"
"So what? It's nutritious. You taste it too." I said as I wiped off some
of the residue on his body and delivered it to his mouth.
He tried to duck laughing but was to late as I smeared it squarely on his
mouth. He frowned and tasted it. "Like milk...adding some fish soup?" He
said.
We laughed at each other, then jumped off the bed and raced each other to
the bathroom...

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER THIRTY

IT WAS a weekend with warm sun and soothing light breeze. Lanyu suggested
that we go outdoors to spend some time. I was a little tired but I went
with him. He drove. We wanted to find some place with no people around.
"Perk up!" He said as he saw me yawning all the time.
"Don't you know that I'm getting old? Sing a song to pick me up!"
"What am I going to sing?" He thought about it...
"Our team is facing the sun, our footsteps on the earth of our
homeland..." He started to sing with zest.
"Our nation's hope is on our shoulders, we are an invincible force..." I
sung along happily.
"......Forward march, forward march. Our team is facing the sun, facing the
victory of revolution, facing the liberation of the whole nation!!" We
sang at the top of our voices, without a care in the world
Then we laughed loudly.
We came to a hill west of Beijing. It was a remote place where we would
not be disturbed.
Lanyu's head was resting on my thigh and he was looking up at the sky.
"Seems the sky in Beijing is bluer than that of my hometown." He said.
"The sky in America is even more bluer than this." I said.
"The moon in America is rounder than that here, right?" He mocked me.
"Isn't it you who have been crying to get out?" I mocked him too.
"Who's been crying? I had no choice." He laughed.
"You're not going away?" I asked.
"Not unless you go with me. Let's go together, okay?" He looked at me
seriously.
"What if I won't go?"
"Then forget about it! Beijing is quite nice!" He said without
discrimination.
I heard some voices vaguely.
"Somebody seems to be coming. Get up fast." I said as I tried to push him
up.
He stayed in my arms. "Look at you! What are you afraid of? Let him come!
He is not my match!" He laughed recklessly.
"What if there were two of them?" I asked.
"We still have you."
"What if there were three of them?"
"They still may not be our match."
"What if there were a lot of them?" I asked him again.
"Humph! The worst is getting hurt. The net breaks even though the fish
dies!"
"Great! That's the spirit of a 'China U' graduate. Reckless enough!" I
laughed looking down at him. He laughed too.
I admired him. He had the kind of courage I would never have. On his
face, I was seeing not just the handsome of a young man, but also a
stunning and youthful strength.
I gazed at him. He sat up, gazing at me too. Again, I grabbed him into my
arms. We embraced tightly...I closed my eyes and kissed him. His moist
lips were against my face. We kissed, as fervently as two people having
just fallen in love...That was the first time we embraced and kissed
outdoors. With us were the bright sunlight and the silent hills.

BEIJING WAS crisp and dry in the golden autumn. The sky was exceptionally
blue. The leaves on the tree had already shed and scattered, covering the
bald face of the road, making it look fuller and more solid.
Early in the morning, the warm sunlight streamed into our small
apartment, compensating for the chill left by the inadequate heating.
Both Lanyu and I were up late. I had an important appointment I did not
want to miss and Lanyu was the kind that hated to be late. We got out of
bed hurriedly, washed and went on our own ways. Before getting out, Lanyu
laughed and had me kiss him. I pecked him once on the cheek just to get
it over with. I asked if he wanted a lift. He said he would hire a car
himself. We agreed that I would pick him up in the evening.
I was in time for that negotiation and the result was good. I was going
to make a bundle. I, Chan Han-tung would turn the table entirely, and
that was imminent.
At noon, I returned from 'Tai-Hsia' happily. The minute I set foot inside
the door, I was ushered into the office by Liu Qsing. He looked tense and
serious.
"You sit down first!" He said as he pushed me onto the couch.
"What's the matter?" I was curious.
"Han-tung, you must prepare for the worst..." He began with difficulty.
"What happened?" I shouted, very tense. Would it be that my mother...
"Lanyu was in a traffic accident!"
"..." I opened my mouth, unable to comprehend.
"The taxi he was riding in collided with a truck...He was instantly...The
traffic department just phoned here..."
"..." Tears were streaming down my face, but I just didn't know what to
say.
"Han-tung! Are you all right?!" I vaguely heard Liu Qsing's voice, as if
from far, far away.

I WAS like having fallen into a cloud, floating lightly, feeling nothing.
I followed Liu Qsing half-consciously to that certain hospital, then
vaguely followed Liu Qsing and another person in a big white robe into a
room. Inside were a lot of beds, all covered with white sheets...They
stopped in front of one of the beds, peeling away the white sheet...
I saw it. It was a person's face, all bloodied. I laughed!! I knew that
was Lanyu. He was here, wasn't he! I leaned down and gripped his
shoulders with my hands. It was so familiar. Those were his arms. Except
they were now exceptionally rigid, and cold... I looked at him with eyes
he had known so well. I couldn't see those bright eyes, the straight
nose, the enchanting lips. There was only the snarling black blood....So
what? I knew that was he. I didn't have to see to know....With all my
might, I held on to him and wouldn't let go!!
"Oh! Oh!..." The sound came from inside my throat, like a dying man
struggling. I felt someone pulling at me. Saying, "Han-tung, calm down."
Go to hell!! You living people and dead people, just you watch!! I no
longer have to cover up or to hide. I want to stay by his side!!! You can
sing about your love and hold your loved ones to kiss in the public, why
can't I mourn my dead loved one?!! I watched his chest, that wide chest
which I had kissed and caressed countless of times...
Seemed that somebody was dragging me hard. Go to hell! You want to laugh
at me? Go on laugh! I can't just leave my loved one like this. I want to
hold him. I'm sure he needs me! I want to hold him tight. I want to let
him dissolve in my hands...He is not dead! He may wake up any minute. He
has said that I would pick him up this evening. Yes! He had me kissed him
this morning. He rarely did that. He must have been hinting at
something...And I just went through the motion kissing him...How could I
have been so stupid!! I moved closer to his face. I wanted to make up for
that kiss on that mass of mangled blood and flesh...
Finally, I was lifted by a great force and I became farther and farther
away from him...I didn't want to take this, but there was nothing I could
do...

back to top

___________________________________________________________________________
_____

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

AUTUMN IN Beijing was no longer my favorite season. It was so drab and

lifeless, with the ice cold wind sweeping away everything.
I once again stepped into the small apartment at 'Tsing Huo'. It was so
comfortable but at the same time so horrifying. The glass left behind
that fateful day was still on the table, with the unfinished water still
inside. I dared not touch that glass...
I went into the bedroom. All his things were still there, not one item
missing. But why was their owning not returning? The blankets on the bed
were folded. I had told him at the time not to fold them, that we were
pressed for time, but he said he just couldn't stand my messy way...I
picked up the clothes he had gotten out of. His body warmth was no longer
on them. I let myself drop down on the bed, sitting there and buried my
head in the clothes. I cried. Finally opening up and really cried...The
heart-wrenching weep of a man echoed through the house...
I could not stay at 'Tsing Huo', and did not want to go home even more.
So I just stayed at the office. During the following week, I was like a
walking corpse. My weight plummeted. Along came the hallucinations,
always feeling that Lanyu was calling for me. Every minute, I would
expect Lanyu to materialize in front of me. I constantly turned around to
see if there was any miracle happening. I was at the brink of a nervous
breakdown.
That day, I was ordered home by my mother. I stepped into the house,
acknowledged her and hurried into my room. I didn't want her to see me
the way I was. I lay on the bed half-awake. After I didn't know how
long,, I heard the door being pushed open and my mother came in. She sat
on the edge of the bed. I closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep. I felt
my mother's hands on my arms, just like she had done when I was small.
Rubbing up and down.
"Little Tung! I know you are feeling terrible. But you can't raise the
dead." I heard the old woman weeping. My tears streamed out once again,
but I made no sound.
"I know all about you. Liu Qsing has told me everything. If that boy
didn't die, I would not object you being together." She said.
More tears came out from my eyes. "You are saying this too late." I said
silently in my heart...

TWO WEEKS later, I called Lanyu's father on the phone as suggested by Liu
Qsing. When I told him the bad news, I heard an old man's weeping at the
other side...
A few days later, Lanyu's father called me.
"Has he left anything?" The tired old voice asked.
"No. And because it was an accident, happening so suddenly, he has left
no words."
"Er...anything left?" He asked.
"Some clothes, books, you want any of them, I'll send them over." I
thought he wanted some of Lanyu's things to memorize him.
"Oh..." he seemed to want to say something.
Then it dawned on me that he could be asking about money. I thought Lanyu
must have had an estate, three hundred and eighty thousand American
dollars. But I had not found any document concerning this sum of money,
except a savings passbook containing a few thousand dollars.
I asked Liu Qsing offhand, "You know about Lanyu selling the
'Scandinavia' house?" I asked.
"I know..." He sounded heavy.
"His good-for-nothing dad is thinking about the money he has left in a
time like this! I don't know where he had put it."
Liu Qsing looked at me in astonishment, "He hadn't told you?"
"Told me what?"
"The money was spent when you were in prison!"
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked in astonishment.
"Lanyu wouldn't let me. He said he would tell you, to surprise you."
"..."
"When you first went in, we were so desperate. Lanyu asked me everyday if
there was news of you. We all thought you had been shot. Then our mom
managed to find 'Li'. But he fucking named the price at ten million!"
"But didn't you say one million?"
"Lanyu said that. I never said one million."
He said again, "But where could we get the money? I had over three
hundred thousand. The old woman some six hundred thousand. I couldn't
borrow from fucking nobody. Even Ai-tung and Tsing-tung (my two younger
sisters) said they had no money. Lin Tsung-ping had said she would help.
But when I really tried to borrow from her, she stalled me by saying she
couldn't come up with the cash... Couldn't blame them. Who didn't know
that the money would be like water poured down the drain? Lanyu was very
desperate but there was nothing he could do. He said he had never before
in his life thought money was that important. Then he remembered the
'Scandinavia' villa. It was under his name and could be sold. I sold it
in just one week. Three hundred and eighty thousand American, furnishing
and the car included. But we couldn't come up with anything else...
"To be honest, I used to look down on him very much. But I admired him
very much on this thing. He was a friend, and compassionate enough! Just
that kind of relationship and he did great. Even if this thing happened
to me, my wife may not be so concerned. Fuck!"
"Then why did he keep it from me?' My eyes were brimming with tears as I
asked perplexed.
"He said he wanted to play a joke on you. I thought he had told you a
long time ago."
"My mother knew?"
"Of course! That day we went home with you and Lanyu was waiting outside,
the old woman had gone to the window and looked at him for a long, long
time."

back to top
___________________________________________________________________________
_____

THE END

THREE YEARS Later, I have immigrated to Canada and bought a house in West
Vancouver. I have remarried. I do not have the kind of courage like Lanyu
had to face my homosexual identity. Besides, the door to my feeling has
totally shut a long time ago. I could not love my young wife. But I am
doing my best to be considerate and take care of her.
I have become religious. I am a Christian now. When I was baptized, I had
doubted if God would accept me, this homosexual into his flock. Now that
I am one of His subjects, I often pray to him:
Lord! Please hear the prayer of this one who has sinned. I was in love
with a person. I have given him so much pain. But now he is dead and I
cannot make it up to him. I beg of you, merciful Lord, please accept him
into Heaven. He had hurt no one when he was on this Earth. He was so
kind, so righteous. The only thing he had done that he shouldn't was
falling in love with someone he shouldn't and had an affair that was
considered preposterous, shameless and decadent on Earth. But this affair
was pure, innocent and eternal.
Oh Lord! I have another request that you must grant. Wherever you have
sent this boy, please let me be with him when I left this world. If he
was in Heaven, let us rejoice there together, and tell about our love on
earth, and let me make up to him. If he was in hell, then let me be in
hell too, to stand behind him, holding his shoulders tightly with both my
hands, pressing on his back, to bear the torture and fire of hell
together. I will not have any regret.
In the name of the Holy Father, the Holy Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen.
The weather in Vancouver is nice. It is deep into autumn too, but there
is not a shred of that drab. Most of the trees are still green, with only
a few golden yellow leaves having floated down onto the green lawn. I am
sitting in front of my doorway in the yard, hearing behind me the
laughter of my mother, my wife and my daughter. I look up to see the
setting sun at the end of the sky. In the chrysanthemum-red sunlight, I
vaguely see Lanyu walking towards me slowly, looking at me in sadness,
then smiles lightly. The smile is so natural, serene and bright...

___THE END___