Big River Comedy for September 20, 2005

Today’s Daily Audio: Go Hetero!

FACTOID

25% of Americans have appeared on television.

QUOTEABLE

"Did you see the speech? President Bush spoke from Jackson Square in New
Orleans. It wasn't his first choice for a backdrop, but the water wasn't quite deep
enough for the aircraft carrier."
-- Bill Maher

"The president said much of the aid is going towards job training. And when they
heard that, the people of New Orleans rose as one and said, 'Can we start with
you?'"
-- Bill Maher

"He's like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a
humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton."
-- Bill Maher, on Bush

HOT TALKABLE: 5 Nonverbal Sexual Cuing Secrets

1- The Resonant Voice

How you say your words is more important than the actual words themselves.
How you say your words is what will bypass a woman's critical mind and directly
stimulate her limbic brain into feeling attraction -- or not. You want your voice to
sound rich and full, soothing and warm -- in other words, resonant. You don't
want to sound whispery and raspy, nasal and thin, or whiny and grating. A
deeply resonant voice spoken with a slow, sexy tempo and volume is sexually
hypnotic. With a sexy voice, you can grab a woman's attention in an instant, relax
her, make her feel good, and do it all with an aura of confidence and authority.
Many women will sleep with a man just because of how his voice makes them
feel inside.

2- The Warm Smile

The reason to smile is simple. A smile shows that you're an open, friendly and
relaxed person. A smile says without words, "I'm in a good mood. I'm enjoying
myself. Being around me makes others feel good too because my good mood is
so infectious." Ever notice how much more friendly and inviting a smiling woman
is? A woman with a smile on her face is more approachable than a woman with a
frown. Her smile tells you that she's a friendly person. And smiling is contagious.
People have a natural reaction to smile when they see yours, making them feel
open, friendly and relaxed on the inside.
And it doesn't matter whether you have a perfect smile or not. Scientific studies
show that women respond to the act of your smile rather than how perfect it is or
white your teeth are. The act of smiling is what shows to others that you're
friendly, open and confident. The act of smiling is what triggers the good feelings
in women.

3- Princely Posture
Good body language and posture communicates strength, comfort and sexiness
while poor body language and posture communicates nervous energy and lack of
confidence. Again, your body language and posture is not something that
women will process consciously. Their limbic brain is either turned on and
attracted, or turned off. So no matter whom you are, no matter what your position
in life, no matter what kind of women you're interested in, you'll need to master
control over your own body to sexually attract women. The first step toward good
body language is to move deliberately and in a controlled fashion, with purpose.
Unnecessary movements come across to women as nervous tics. Generally you
want to keep an open posture about you. Having an open posture -- uncrossing
your arms, keeping your hands apart and keeping an open stance with your legs
-- shows that you're relaxed, receptive and friendly, and visually sends sexual
cues directly to a woman's limbic brain. Your head, your shoulders, hips, knees,
and ankles should be in a straight, vertical line, not hunched over, and you
should stand with your weight evenly distributed between both feet, not slouching
over on the right or left. Keeping an open, clean body posture in such a way and
moving with purpose will attract women on a level beyond their control.

4- Sexy Scent
Study after study has demonstrated that a woman's sense of smell is much more
powerful than a man's. In fact, with certain kinds of scents, a woman's sense of
smell is up to 100 times more powerful than a man's. Women can even detect
mild body odor from over three feet away. And there's a direct connection from a
woman's olfactory glands to her limbic brain -- so your scent is either working for
you or against you. Fortunately, since women can pick up on body odor so
easily, you can exploit that limbic brain of theirs and smell good to turn them on
sexually. That's why, not only do you want to be clean and fresh, but you'll want
to wear cologne on a regular basis to create attraction in women.

5- Powerful Eye Contact

Eye contact is one of your most powerful tools. Your eyes can do far more talking
than your words. They can make a woman feel uneasy and excited, and women
use it as a huge measure of your self-confidence. During a conversation with a
woman, don't dart your eyes or look away too much, as it makes you look
uncomfortable and nervous. Linger longer on her eyes than you would normally,
almost as if your eyes stick to hers like soft glue. This kind of strong, long-lasting
eye contact releases phenylethylamine (PEA), a chemical that accelerates
attraction, particularly in women. Some call this the copulatory gaze because
people who love each other not only make much more eye contact while talking,
but they're also more hesitant to take their eyes off each other, even after they
finish speaking. And when you do look away, look away reluctantly.

ON SEPTEMBER 20...

In 1976, in an interview with Playboy Magazine, Jimmy Carter admits that "[I
have] committed adultery in my heart many times..."

... Bill Clinton put an end to THAT in the White House...

In 1985, Walt Disney World admitted its 200-millionth guest...

... And if you don't believe it, the guest is STILL in line at the Pirates of the
Caribbean...

In 1991, on Capitol Hill, Senate hearings on the nomination of Clarence Thomas

to the U.S. Supreme Court concluded...

... "There's a pubic hair in my victory champagne..."

In 1995, Matthew Julian Money, the son of Eddie Money, was born...

... Right now he's just small change...

In 2000 at the Sydney Olympics, athletes were told to dispose of their syringes
more carefully after two cleaners in the Olympic athletes' village suffered needle
stick injuries. Four teams had their housekeeping services suspended indefinitely
after the cleaners suffered injuries...

... On the bright side, the cleaners all grew to 6’8” and 320 pounds...

In 2001, Madison Square Garden reopened for a preseason NHL game, the first
major sports event in New York City since the 9-11 attacks...

... Finally we got senseless violence out of the streets of New York -- and back
onto the ice for Rangers games, where it belongs...

HEADLINE PUNCH

GETTING MOTLEY-ER: Motley Crue lead singer Vince Neil is recovering from a
leg injury after slipping off stage during a performance. The band was about five
songs into the concert Friday night when Neil leaned over to sing along with the
audience and slipped off stage, said police spokeswoman Sylvia Abernathy. "I
just felt something snap in my leg," Neil wrote on the band's Web site. "I just
couldn't go on." The band was forced to end the concert early. Neil was treated
at Piedmont Hospital and released Saturday, hospital spokeswoman Diana Lewis
said...

... Ironically, 30,000 people complaining of a loud low whining sound in their ears
at the show were miraculously cured as soon as Vince stopped singing...

ALL WE DON’T NEED IS LOVE: Rocker Courtney Love was sentenced to 180
days at a drug treatment facility for violating probation in three criminal cases.
Superior Court Judge Rand Rubin credited the 41-year-old singer-actress for 28
days she spent at a rehabilitation center earlier and told her that he was pleased
with her progress. Rubin also extended her probation to March 2007. Love was
ordered to appear in court last month for allegedly being under the influence of a
controlled substance, which was not identified. At that hearing, Love admitted
that she had violated her probation in the three cases, including two drug-related
cases…

... Although she later took back her admission, explaining that she didn’t know
what she was saying because she was high at the time...

EXTREME SCREW-OVER: The producers of "Extreme Makeover" promised

Deleese Williams "a Cinderella-like" fix for a deformed jaw, crooked teeth, droopy
eyes and tiny boobs that would "transform her life and destiny." But when the
ABC reality show dumped the Texas mom the night before the life-changing
plastic surgeries, it shattered her family's dream and triggered her sister Kellie
McGee's suicide, says a bombshell lawsuit filed in L.A. Superior Court.
Producers coaxed McGee and other family members to trash Williams' looks on
videotape, the suit alleges. When they suddenly pulled the plug on the project,
and the promised "Hollywood smile like Cindy Crawford," a guilt-ridden McGee
fell apart. "Kellie could not live with the fact that she had said horrible things that
hurt her sister. She fell to pieces. Four months later, she ended her life with an
overdose of pills, alcohol and cocaine," said Wesley Cordova, a lawyer for
Williams. The suit seeks unspecified money damages for breach of contract,
intentional infliction of emotional distress and other offenses...

... Lawyers promise the family they’ll turn the ugly lawsuit into a beautiful
settlement within the week...

GAGS

Richard Hatch, who won $1 million on the first season of the reality show
"Survivor," pleaded innocent to charges that he failed to pay taxes on his
winnings from the CBS show...

... If THIS Tribal Council votes against him, then he’s in big trouble...
J.Lo was one-half of Bennifer when she and fiance Mr Affleck starred in 2003
turkey “Gigli.” La Lopez now plans to work with hubby no.3, Latin singer Marc
Anthony, in “Who Killed Hector Lavoe.” "It's the story of a singer and I'll be his
wife," Jennifer said...

... I think that’s too much of a stretch for both of them to be believable...

Mayor Ray Nagin's plan to officially reopen parts of New Orleans drew criticism
from federal officials and health care experts who warn that city services might
not be able to handle the influx of people...

... Yeah, just think of the property damage they might cause...

Tori Spelling and her husband are reportedly splitting after a year of marriage.
Spelling, 32, and actor-writer Charlie Shanian, 36, married in July 2004 and have
been living apart since the beginning of August...

... She was actually married longer on an episode of “Beverly Hills 90210”...

STRANGE

School friends of Harry Potter star Rupert Grint have been banned from asking
for his autograph. Rupert, 17, who plays Ron Weasley, was besieged by other
pupils at Richard Hale School in Hertford, says The Sun. Schoolchildren now risk
detention just for asking for his autograph...

... Wait until you get too old and the role is re-cast, Rupert – then the autograph
hounds will never bother you again...

A Hammonton High School physical education/health teacher was arrested and

charged with official misconduct and sexual crimes involving three male students,
Atlantic County Prosecutor Jeffrey S. Blitz said. Traci J. Tapp, 28, was arrested
without incident at her home in Leon Court in the Atco section of Waterford
Township, New Jersey, by officers from the prosecutor's office and the
Hammonton Police Department. Tapp was charged with one count of sexual
assault, two counts of aggravated criminal sexual contact and three counts of
official misconduct. Tapp allegedly sexually fondled one 17-year-old male student
whom she invited to her office in the girl's locker room at the high school between
January and February 2001. She allegedly invited another 17-year-old boy to her
home and both engaged in sexual acts at her direction between June 1 and June
30, 2001. Tapp invited another 16-year-old male student to her home in 2003
and they engaged in multiple acts of sexual intercourse during one night,
according to the prosecutor. A mother of one of the victims brought the
allegations to the attention of school officials in March. School officials then
contacted Hammonton police...
... On the bright side, the boy’s heart rate, endurance and stamina have all
improved dramatically since they started having sex with her...

... To repeat today’s shocking headline: “Girls’ Phys. Ed. Teacher in New Jersey
is NOT Gay”...

An Australian man built up a 40,000-volt charge of static electricity in his clothes

as he walked, leaving a trail of scorched carpet and molten plastic and forcing
firefighters to evacuate a building. Frank Clewer, who was wearing a woolen shirt
and a synthetic nylon jacket, was oblivious to the growing electrical current that
was building up as his clothes rubbed together. When he walked into a building
in the country town of Warrnambool in the southern state of Victoria Thursday,
the electrical charge ignited the carpet. Employees, unsure of the cause of the
mysterious burning smell, telephoned firefighters who evacuated the building.
Firefighters cut electricity to the building thinking the burns might have been
caused by a power surge. Clewer, who after leaving the building discovered he
had scorched a piece of plastic on the floor of his car, returned to seek help from
the firefighters. "We tested his clothes with a static electricity field meter and
measured a current of 40,000 volts, which is one step shy of spontaneous
combustion, where his clothes would have self-ignited," fire official Henry Barton
said...

... This just in – Frank tried running really fast in corduroys and burned down half
of the country...

DEAD CAT FUEL UPDATE: A German inventor said he has developed a method
to produce crude oil products from waste that he believes can be an answer to
the soaring costs of fuel, but denied a German newspaper story implying he also
used dead cats. Christian Koch, an inventor and patent holder of the "KDV 500"
that he said produces high quality fuel, said he can transform waste products
such as paper, rubbish and plastic materials into fuel. But Koch, 55, said there
was no truth to stories published in Bild newspaper on that suggested he used
dead cats as part of the mix for his organic diesel fuel. "I use paper, plastics,
textiles and rubbish," Koch told Reuters. "It's an alternative fuel that is friendly for
the environment. But it's complete nonsense to suggest dead cats. I've never
used cats and would never think of that. At most the odd toad may have jumped
in..."

... He gives new meaning to that old slogan, “Put a tiger in your tank”...

... The great thing about using cats is with nine lives, they fill the tank nine
times...

FINALLY: REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the
present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

QUICK GOSSIP READS

Everybody Loves Raymond picking up the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy

Series at the 57th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards Sunday night. Doris Roberts
and Brad Garrett winning Best Supporting Actress and Actor awards for their
roles on the recently wrapped sitcom.

Lost winning the Emmy for Outstanding Drama Series and helmer JJ Abrams
taking home the Emmy for Directing in a Drama Series.

Desperate Housewives star Felicity Huffman winning the Emmy for Leading
Actress in a Comedy and Patricia Arquette picking up the Emmy for Leading
Actress in a Drama for Medium.

Monk's Tony Shalhoub winning the Emmy for Leading Actor in a Comedy and
Boston Legal's James Spader picking up the award for Leading Actor in a Drama
for the second year in a row.

CBS' broadcast of the 57th Annual Primetime Emmys on Sunday attracting 18.6
million viewers, the award show's biggest audience since 2002's kudocast,
according to preliminary Nielsen data.

Lil' Kim due to surrender to federal authorities Monday and begin her 366-day
sentence for perjury.
Making his first public remarks since his acquittal, Michael Jackson telling the
Associated Press that the trial was "the hardest thing I've ever done in my life"
and he and his children are still in Bahrain "resting and recovering" from the
ordeal. "I'm feeling good," he added.

Country star Trace Adkins undergoing emergency surgery on Friday to treat an

abdominal infection following a concert in Morton, Minnesota. The operation was
a success and the singer's expected to make a full recovery.

ESPN reporting that Yogi Berra has settled a lawsuit brought by the New York
Yankees great for using his name without his permission in an advertisement for
Sex and the City. The ad asked fans for the definition of the word "Yogasm."

Reese Witherspoon's spectral romance Just Like Heaven topping the weekend
box office with an estimated $16.5 million.

Russell Crowe in talks to buy the South Sydney Rabbitohs, a club in Australia's
National Rugby League. The Rabbitohs were recently reinstated after being cut
from league competition in 1999.

Goodman, Sex and the City's Willie Garson and Jean Smart among the
celebrities hosting an auction benefit at Westwood's W Hotel in Los Angeles on
Sept. 20 from 7 to 9 p.m. to raise $100,000 for victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Per the New York Daily News, a Texas woman is suing ABC for allegedly ruining
her family's life when it nixed her appearance from Extreme Makeover the night
before she was supposed to undergo surgery.

Hip-hopster Missy Elliot will undergo an operation to repair her achilles tendon
next week after tearing it while performing a dance routine.

Former Survivor champ Richard Hatch, who was indicted earlier this month for
evading taxes on his $1 million winnings and other income, pleading innocent to
the charges Monday in Providence, Rhode Island.

People reporting that a New York judge has tossed groping charges earlier today
against Christian Slater, stemming from accusations he allegedly grabbed a
woman on the butt in May.

Vince Neil suffering a partial tear of a calf muscle five songs into Mötley Crüe's
concert Friday in Atlanta, forcing Neil into the hospital and the band to cut short
the show. The frontman returned to the stage Sunday night in Memphis and will
continue the tour. The band will also play a make-up date in Atlanta to be
announced.
Willie Nelson, Neil Young, John Mellencamp, Dave Matthews, Wilco and
Emmylou Harris among the performers at Sunday's 20th annual Farm Aid benefit
concert taking place on the outskirts of Chicago. The anniversary show grossed
$1.3 million in ticket sales, some of which goes to Hurricane Katrina victims.

Actor John Stamos set to guest star on NBC's ER for at least two episodes as a
Gulf War vet-turned-paramedic.

Martha Stewart marking her mother's 91st birthday by pledging $5 million to New
York City's Mt. Sinai Hospital to create the Martha Stewart Center for Living, a
facility that will focus on medical treatment and care for the elderly.

Per Variety, West Wing star Martin Sheen planning to executive produce an
untitled comedy for NBC about a heterosexual man who lives with his gay older
brother and his brother's lover, all of whom must care for the brothers' ailing
mother-in-law. No word when it's set to air.

Also in Variety, Peter and Bobby Farrelly set to produce Hall Pass, a spec
marriage comedy penned by former Project Greenlight writer-director Pete Jones
about a wife who gives her husband permission to engage in an affair.

Kate Moss apologizing to clothing company H&M after the British tabloid Daily
Mirror printed images showing her doing cocaine. Moss, 31, will remain the face
of its Stella McCartney line, despite signing a contract with H&M declaring she
was "against drug abuse."

Courtney Love sentenced to 180 days in county jail for violating her probation.
However, a judge ruled that she could serve her time at a live-in rehab center.

TOP 10 NEW THINGS TO SAY WHEN STEPPING ON THE MOON

WASHINGTON (Reuters/CNN) -- NASA unveiled plans on Monday to return
humans to the moon by 2018 at a cost of $104 billion. NASA Administrator
Michael Griffin showcased a mission to the moon in an Apollo-style capsule
sitting atop rockets fashioned from shuttle components.
10. "Set your phasers for 'fun' -- the Buzzmeister has landed!"
09. "Jeez, what a dump!"
08. "That's one small step for man, once giant leap for my sock puppet Winky."
07. "I think I can see Star Jones from here."
06. "Hey, Sarah McCabe of St. Mary’s High School -- remember when you
wouldn't go out with me? Well, look at me now -- I'm on the moon!"
05. "I'd like to give a shout out to all my homies on the planet Earth."
04. "Visa -- it's everywhere you want to be! I just made 5 million bucks."
03. "Does this mean I have to miss the Stones concert?"
02. "Holy Crap!"
01. "Okay, I stepped on it -- now let's get the hell outta here."
DAILY AUDIO

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