GETTING ON

Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old

By Jo Foster
Age Concern Hampshire
 GETTING ON
Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old

Jo Foster

Copyright © Age Concern Hampshire, 2016

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info@ageconcernhampshire.org.uk
FOREWORD
This book is born out of the Heritage Lottery funded AGE
FUSION project, run by Age Concern Hampshire. It is just
one outcome of an exciting programme of activities, which
have created numerous opportunities for young and old to
come together to enjoy each other’s company and explore
ideas about how to live well and plan for a positive old age.
A
s a leading independent charity working across the county to promote
independent living to the over-50s, we have witnessed a decade-by-
decade shift in people’s experiences and expectations of ageing. It is
clear that the process of getting older has changed and will continue to change.
From lifestyle to life expectancy, young people have a very different future
ahead of them than those who call upon our services today.
We wanted to create a project which would bring the generations together
to explore the future of old age by first reflecting on its past; and we wanted to
start an ongoing conversation which might bring about social change for the
better, both now and in the future.
Building on the already numerous examples from our day care centres
of the wellbeing which springs out of young and old mixing together, we
were excited by the possibility of pioneering new methods of meaningful
engagement, and of maximising the mutual benefits of the generations talking
and listening to each other.
The resulting Age Fusion sessions have involved all sorts of enjoyable
activities, from gardening and dancing to drawing and nail painting, and even
role playing with hand-made puppets designed to look like grandparents did
in the 1940s. Through taking part, generations six, seven or even eight decades
apart in age, have experienced the rewards of getting to know each other and
learning from each other.
FOREWORD
To date, the Age Fusion project has welcomed more than 50 young people
into our day care centres up and down the county. The stories, anecdotes and
opinions in this book have been gathered through reminiscence activities,
and also through one-to-one oral history interviews carried out by the writer,
project manager and a team of trained adult volunteer interviewers. The
book is presented to the reader as a jumping off point for stimulating further
discussion and debate.
We hope, too, that the conversations will continue. Through a touring
exhibition, to be launched later this year, with session plans, ideas and
resources, we will encourage schools, youth clubs, museums and community
groups to carry out their own intergenerational get-togethers, ensuring a
lasting legacy long after the project has ended.
Yvette Christian
Deputy Director,
Age Concern Hampshire July 2016
Age Concern Hampshire has a vision in which getting older is a positive
experience where all older people are respected, valued and are able to
make informed choices.
Our Mission is to assist older people to increase their independence,
knowledge, income, wellbeing and sense of purpose. We do this by
providing information and advice, social activities, wellbeing and care to
over 58,000 people each year.
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 4
 PRESERVING MEMORIES
Age Fusion project staff and volunteers recorded oral history interviews

INTRODUCTION
in day care centres, people’s homes, offices, and elsewhere, and these
interviews are the main source of the personal stories and insights in
this book. We gathered our interviewees’ thoughts on and experiences of
• When does old age begin? old age, and we also asked people to share their life stories with us. We
found ourselves drawn into all sorts of stories, including those of a little
girl in the blackout in the First World War; a boy who was imprisoned
• What’s more important for a happy old age: health, money,
by the Germans in Nazi-occupied Jersey; a young woman who drove a
or family and friends?
ration lorry for the WAAF; a German soldier who came to England as a
prisoner of war after the war was over, as a forced labourer on farms; a
• What are the positive aspects of getting older? little girl who felt ignored by her mother and stepfather once her half-
sister was born; and young men and women starting work in factories,
The Age Fusion project put these and other, often personal, questions to a shops, and on building sites. Many of these stories will be preserved in
generous, tolerant and diverse group of people, as part of a conversation about full in Hampshire Record Office for people to listen to in the future.
old age that included both old and young.
Talking about the ageing population in general can lead to thinking of ‘older
people’ as a group, rather than listening to individuals for whom old age is just
one phase of life. One of our interviewees, Auriol, and also includes stories from the past, found in the Hampshire Record Office,
told us that she often felt her experiences were which help give the background to today’s experiences of old age.
discounted. She explained: “As you get older True stories? During the project, we gathered people’s life stories and asked them about their
you’ve got to watch, listen and keep your mouth In each of the life stories experiences of growing older. We then brought young people into Age Concern
shut […] it’s frustrating to know that you can’t voice featured in this book, we Hampshire’s day care centres to talk to the older people about their lives. We used
your opinion and guide [young people], or suggest have tried to present the fun and creative activities to get the conversation going: art materials, puppets
looking at things from another point of view. If I interviewees’ own voices, and a large beach ball all turned up in day care centres as part of Age Fusion
voice my opinion, I’m ‘old and doddery’ and [told] words and points of view. activities. With the support of enthusiastic and sensitive staff and volunteers,
‘it’s not like that these days’.” The Age Fusion The anthropologist Gelya and the energy and goodwill of the participants, wonderful things started to
Frank noted that working
project aimed to increase understanding by happen. Young people who had found school difficult gained the confidence to
with people’s life stories
getting young and old talking about what it’s like speak in public and lead activities. Older people enjoyed telling their stories and
“emphasises the truth
to get older, while also bringing the generations explaining how life has changed. Stereotypes were challenged, about both young
of the telling versus the
together and finding the common ground telling of the truth”; we and old. We learned to see the world from another perspective, and to share some
between them. have aimed to convey of the challenges and benefits of growing older. Above all, we enjoyed getting to
The clients, staff and volunteers of Age each individual’s version know each other.
Concern Hampshire are a goldmine of knowledge of their own life.
and experience. This book distils their wisdom, We hope this book inspires you to carry on the conversation.

INTRODUCTION Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 6

 CHAPTER ONE For all the discussions of old age in the media, it’s
surprisingly hard to define. Not only is ‘old age’ a long
phase of life which covers an enormous range of life

HOW OLD
experiences, it also means different things to different
people. In interviews for the Age Fusion project, our
questions included “Is old age a state of mind?" and

IS OLD?
“Do you think of yourself as old?” As you will see,
people didn’t necessarily answer according to their
birth certificates.

Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 8

HOW OLD IS OLD?
“Can you put an age on old age?
I suppose 80, yes 80 I should think.
And when was the first time you started thinking of yourself as old?
Probably then. But it’s no good sitting there thinking ‘I’m getting old’, it doesn’t
help you at all and it won’t stop it happening either!” – Winnie (84)
“In myself, in my heart I think I’m still 16.” – Mike (76)
“I probably think I’m in my 50s but I’m going to be getting my state pension this
year at 65, so yes I think that’s a bit scary.” – Rob (64)
“I’m 73 and I regard myself as a middle-aged person. […] Because it’s all up here, I
think. It’s attitude.” – Joyce (73)
“I just feel young, actually. I feel like I’d like to get out and go skiing.” – Gordon (91)
After telling a risqué joke: “I’m a naughty lady. Because I’m lively, I don’t like
acting my age really.” – Jill (78)
“I think I label people old […] when my perception of them is that they’re about
15 to 20 years older than I am now, at age 65. I think, we always think of ‘old’ as
something above our own age really. So someone younger than me will see me
as old […] but I don’t see myself as old […] A lot of my clients when I was a social
worker would say when they were sitting in the old people’s home ‘I don’t like
being here with all these old people.’ And so we always see everybody else as old but
not ourselves – but I’m not quite sure where the line is. It’s a very wavy line, isn’t
it, about old age? Because some people at age 65 are really beginning to feel old,
be old, whereas other people at 65 – I’ve got friends who dig allotments, and they
CHAPTER ONE: HOW OLD IS OLD?
go on sky-diving holidays and I am older than them, without any doubt – and I
probably always have been.” – Angela (65)
“There’s no point in thinking about it. You are what you are and that’s it. We’re all
something different at every part of our lives. So that’s all there is to it.” – John (88)
THE MATHS OF AGEING
In the 21st century, people are living longer than ever before. Life expectancy is
often quoted to show this, but it’s not the most useful way to look at the proportion
of older people in society. If average life expectancy is 40, for instance, that doesn’t
mean that most people can only expect to live to 40. High infant mortality can
skew the statistics and disguise the fact that in the past, as historian Pat Thane
says, “those who made it to 20 had, over many centuries, a good chance of living to
their later fifties, or sixties, especially if they were female.”
Instead of tracking life expectancy, we can look at the numbers of people
in a population who are over a certain age. Every ten years since 1851, the
government has collected this information precisely using the national
census, which is also broken down by area. Official county-wide figures
published by Hampshire County Council show:
• the number of people aged 65 and over climbed from 18,300 in 1851 to
70,300 in 1931, and to 301,600 in 2011. That’s a rise from 5.2 per cent of the
county’s population to 17.1 per cent.
• There were 720 very old people, aged 85 and over, in Hampshire in 1851 –
and 43,300 of them in 2011, a rise from 0.2 to 2.5 per cent of the population.
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 10

• On average, the population of Hampshire is ageing faster than in the rest
of the country, and on average people in the county are older: in 2011, the
median age of everyone in Hampshire was 42, compared to 40 in the South
East region, and 39 across England and Wales.
THIRD AGE, FOURTH AGE
If old age is taken to start at around 65, it can increasingly last for three or four
decades. This means it covers a huge range of life experience – from work and
active retirement to frailty and loss. Because it’s such a large period of time, people
studying old age often separate it into two phases. These are sometimes referred to
as ‘young old age’ and ‘old old age’, or alternatively as the ‘third age’ and ‘fourth age’.

• Forecasts for the population of Hampshire County Council’s area, based
on 2015 data, predict that the number of people in the county aged 65-84
will rise by 14.4 per cent by 2022, while the 85-plus population will rise
even more sharply, by 30 per cent.
• According to national projections published by the Office for National
Statistics in October 2015, “by mid-2039, more than 1 in 12 of the
population is projected to be aged 80 or over”.
YOUNGER LONGER
Several people we spoke to said that old people in the past seemed ‘older’ than they
would today – in other words, they felt that we’re now staying younger for longer.
John, now in his 80s, remembered his grandmother leading a very restricted and
‘elderly’ life when she was only in her late 60s. She sat in a chair most of the time,
apart from visits to the local shop or pub, whereas John thought a woman in her
late 60s today would be more active. Rob (64)

DRAWING A LINE
As part of their Older
People’s Well-Being
Old age starts at different times for everyone, and pinpointing the year when Strategy, Hampshire
a person becomes ‘old’ is impossible. There has always been a need, though, to County Council sent
draw an official line above which people are said to be old. In Ancient Greece out a questionnaire in
2013 which included the
and Rome, people’s duty to do public service stopped at around 60. When old
question “In your opinion,
age pensions were introduced in the early 20th century, they were for people
at what age does ‘old
over 70, and what ‘pensionable age’ should be has been a controversial issue
age’ start?” Their report
ever since. In 2011, the government announced the pension age of 65 for men found that on average,
and 60 for women would be set to rise to 66 for both men and women by 2020. people thought that old
By the late 2040s, on current projections, workers could have to wait until age started at 72.
they turn 69 to get a state pension.
remembers his grandparents being ‘old’ in their
behaviour in their 50s, “not at all like how a
50-year-old grandparent would be” today.
As well as living longer lives, people today
stay healthier for longer than they did a hundred
years ago. Advances in medicine and technology,
like artificial hips and mobility scooters, have
helped more people to stay active for more of
their old age. Even outward appearances have
changed dramatically, as make–up, hair dye and
even cosmetic surgery have become cheaper and
more widely available, meaning that people have
more opportunity to combat the physical effects of
ageing as they grow older.

CHAPTER ONE: HOW OLD IS OLD? Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 12
CENTENARIANS
A one hundredth birthday is still an unusual milestone today, but they’re
much more common now than in the past. The number of centenarians in
the UK has climbed steeply since
the start of the twentieth century.
On average, for each of the years
from 1911 to 1920, only 74 people
in England and Wales had a 100th
birthday. By the end of the 20th
century, that number had risen to
over 3,000 per year.
The number of centenarians
has only been counted in the
national census since 2001. In that
year, there were 289 people aged
100 and older living in Hampshire
– and by 2011 that number had
grown to 388. It’s a figure that’s
likely to keep rising; the Office for
National Statistics has projected that around a third of all babies born in 2013
will live to 100. Today’s young people need to prepare for an extended old age.
CHAPTER ONE: HOW OLD IS OLD?
In 1917, King George V
started sending
congratulations to his
subjects on their 100th
birthdays and 60th
wedding anniversaries.
The tradition is nearly
100 years old itself.
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 14
Above: Auriol, 89, showed us this photograph of her
grandfather, Mr Sharp, receiving his telegram from the
Queen in 1970. He died the following year, aged 101.
Left: Frederick William Bevis of Denmead and previously
of Gosport turned 100 in 1971. He had lived with his
daughter since his wife died in 1945. The newspaper
account said: “Mr Bevis still has all his faculties and says
he has never had a headache or indigestion. His longevity
he attributes to living life at a good pace, enjoying good
food, and smoking cigars and his pipe.” Mr Bevis was a
member of the Hampshire & General Friendly Society,
who kept this clipping on file.
Hampshire Record Office: 18M89/21/16
“I really
am ever so
lucky”
- Mary L’s story
Mary is a centenarian, and even though it’s becoming more
common for people to reach their 100th birthdays, it’s
still a rare privilege to meet someone who can remember
events that happened a century ago.

M
ary’s earliest memory is of someone calling “Close that door!” during
a First World War blackout in 1916. That year, the Potteries district
where Mary was born was hit by Zeppelin bombing raids, and lighting
restrictions were introduced to make the towns harder to spot. Mary would
have been 4 or 5 years old at the time. Now 104, she’s still self-possessed and
clear-voiced, though her memories of her childhood are hazy.
After her father died young, Mary and her mother and sisters moved to
live with her mother’s sister in Bournemouth, where her mother worked as a
hotel cook. Mary married her husband, known as Tubby, in 1939, before the

Right: Mary, 104, at her home in Hayling Island. ©Zoe Waren

CHAPTER ONE: HOW OLD IS OLD? Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 16
outbreak of the Second World War. They had two children, and Tubby worked
for a shipping company in London after wartime service in the RAF. They first
came to Hampshire on a caravan holiday to Hayling Island, and they liked the
area so much that they bought a bungalow there as a holiday home. In 1958
they bought the house on the island where Mary still lives.
Mary enjoys travel. Over the years she’s travelled extensively in America,
where one of her daughters lives. She’s also visited relatives several times
"I DON'T FEEL VERY
DIFFERENT TO WHEN
in Kenya, Germany, and in Portugal, where she and Tubby used to holiday
every year in their middle age. These days she has to shop around for travel
insurance due to her advanced years, but it hasn’t stopped her: Mary plans to
return to Portugal this year.
At the age of 80, Mary thought it was time she gave up driving. She regretted I WAS 75"
her decision once her husband’s memory started to deteriorate, but she hasn’t
driven since. She felt the loss of independence very keenly and says she misses
the car more than anything in the world, apart from her husband. She also
finds it very annoying to find there are things she can’t do as she gets older,
like moving furniture, though she does say it’s lovely having people do things
for her:
GLADYS HOOPER,
“I really am ever so lucky. […] I’m so used to doing things for myself and for other
people, […] I come to daycare and I think ‘Good God, this is absolutely amazing!’ I JANUARY 2016,
mean I just put up my hand and someone’s there! It’s amazing. I love it.”
Asked about the secret of her long life, Mary says she hasn’t a clue. It doesn’t
seem to be in her genes, as her father died at 52 and her mother at 73. Her
AGED 113
sisters lived to be 73 and 95 and as Mary says, “73 isn’t really old these days,
is it?” She doesn’t smoke and rarely drinks, and is careful with her diet since
her gallbladder became troublesome in recent years, but in general she has
no great secret, “just normal living”. She does keep busy, with a regular outing
every day apart from Saturdays. She says, “I think that’s what really keeps me
going, that’s why I don’t want to give up: because I know if I once give up, I won’t
want to go out and I shall just go. And I’ve got too much to do yet.”

CHAPTER ONE: HOW OLD IS OLD? Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 18
CHAPTER TWO We asked our interviewees about what getting older
feels like, and what happens to the body and the mind.
For some people that involved serious health issues

HEALTH
and a loss of cherished independence, but others
were in good health and talked to us about their
efforts to stay fit. Technology and medical advances
have transformed the health of older people over the
past century, so we asked for memories of previous
generations’ health as well. We also wanted to know
about our interviewees’ experiences of health services,
and whether they felt they were treated differently as
they grew older.

Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 20

EVERYTHING’S
WEARING OUT
“I think it’s the frustration of not being able to do the things you used to be able to do.
I think it’s knowing that once you’ve lost it, it’s not going to come back.” – Kate (73)
Ill health is one of the main things that leads people to feel old, whatever
their chronological age. It’s why several people talked to us about feeling old
on some days, but not on others, referring to times when they felt more, or
less, well. Mike (76) mentioned a feeling of general “aches and pains” which
many people would identify with: “everything’s wearing out – all your joints and
everything. That’s why I’ve got arthritis in my knees, my neck, my fingers.”
Often, the feeling of being ‘old’ is something that creeps up on you gradually.
Rob (64) is still fit and well, playing squash regularly, but he’s finding that
recovery is more difficult these days: “I can play these youngsters who are in
their twenties, sometimes in their teens, and I’ll have a very good game with them.
[…] but the big difference is they can walk the next day, and I come down the stairs
[…] clutching the banister rails because my feet don’t work.”
“Someone once described old age as a
series of little deaths. And I think old age
is just that, I think it’s a series of
little bereavements.”
Kate, an Age Concern Hampshire volunteer, herself healthy and active,
described this process eloquently:
“Someone once described old age as a series of little deaths. And I think old
CHAPTER TWO: HEALTH
age is just that, I think it’s a series of little bereavements all the way along the
line – there comes a day when you find that you can’t get to the top rung of the
ladder. You can’t unscrew the light bulb because your fingers are weak. All sorts
of little everyday things, getting the top off the marmalade jar suddenly becomes
a problem. All these little tiny things are things that you took for granted that you
can no longer do. And the additive effect of that is actually quite depressing.”
Kate also talked about the fear of physical decline. Imagining a time when
she could no longer drive, she said “how am I going to manage? Because by
definition probably if I can’t drive my car I can’t walk very far either. It’s fine at
the moment if I can’t drive my car because I’ve broken my arm or something, I can
walk into town […] I can manage because I’m still physically fit. But there comes
a point where you can’t manage, and it takes you longer to recover from things.
There isn’t the elastic in the system that there was when you were younger.”
SUDDEN ONSET
While the onset of old age can feel like a gradual ‘wearing out’, it can also be
an abrupt change. An unexpected event like a stroke can leave people feeling
much less well, less independent, and ‘old’ overnight. Jill (78) told us how her
stroke took away her active, independent life and left her struggling to rely on
others: “the day before I had my stroke I’d walked 6 miles. […] It came a bit hard.
That’s the thing I find difficult now because I rely on so many people […] ‘please
can you help me do this? Please can you’ – And I’m asking all the time. I feel I’m
such a nuisance”.
Angela’s hemifacial spasm, which came on in her mid-50s and affected her
appearance as well as causing discomfort, felt to her as though it had brought
premature old age with it. This wasn’t just because other people were more
likely to view her as old, but also, she felt, because her trouble communicating
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 22
 “I was so
and her loss of confidence gave her a sense of what many people experience as
determined”
– Mike’s story
they get older.
For Doreen P, it wasn’t a stroke but the sudden loss of her eyesight which
transformed her life. She was in the bathroom one morning when she simply
realised she couldn’t see. Talking about it in her interview, she described her
family’s reactions in more detail than her own feelings – she remembered her
young granddaughter “shaking like a leaf” when she visited Doreen in hospital.
Mike (76) is very much at home at Padwell Road Day Care
On how she coped with the crisis, she said “you just automatically do it, I think,
when something like that happens. Because when they told me that I’d lost my Centre in Southampton, where he’s been a member for
sight and there was nothing they could do I had [my daughter] on one side and nearly 12 years now.
[my husband] on the other both breaking their hearts. Where could I cry? [I had]
nobody to cry with. So you just do it. That’s my life.” Doreen’s working life was

A
spent in the soft furnishings department of a large store, which she loved; she s the ‘Chief Exec’ of the members’ committee, and a founder member
said, “I did enjoy my work and that’s my biggest regret at the moment, that I can’t of the Men’s Club, he’s at the centre of most social activities. He’s
sew any more”. made good friends, and taken up new hobbies. All this isn’t how Mike
thought his retirement would be, until a health crisis forced him to shift his
expectations and fight to rebuild his life.
Born 11 days after the start of the Second World War, Mike grew up in
Southampton, where his father manned an ack-ack gun in the Home Guard.
After the war, Mike’s father, grandfather and uncle were kept busy in
their plumbing and heating firm, working on the prefabs that sprang up in
Southampton’s post-war building boom. Mike loved going out with them, and
when he left school at 15 he started as an apprentice plumber in the family
business. It was the only job he wanted to do.
Like many others in the recession of the ’90s, Mike found that he couldn’t
rely on a ‘job for life’ any more. After 37 years at the same company, he was
made redundant by the new owners. He felt bitter about his job loss, but he
made the best of it: he found his next job as a courier for Parceline (now DPD),
which was perfect for someone who loved driving as much as he did.

CHAPTER TWO: HEALTH Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 24
 Mike has had setbacks in his personal life, too. His first marriage was a
difficult one, and his wife suffered from epilepsy; Mike cared for her for
years. When his doctor told him he was headed for a nervous breakdown due
to the strain, his wife went into a residential home. In time, Mike met Sylvia,
and once his divorce was finalised he proposed to her. Their marriage has
lasted for 33 years now.
By the time Mike reached his 60s and was thinking about stopping work, he
and Sylvia were looking forward to a happy and active retirement. They loved
their driving holidays in the Lake District and Scotland, and were planning
more travels. Mike retired on Christmas Eve, 2003.
Six weeks later, he had a devastating stroke. After six months in hospital,
he was told he would never walk again and went home reliant on a wheelchair
and mobility scooter. Overnight, Mike and Sylvia’s plans for retirement had
been shattered. She became his carer, and he could no longer drive, which he
found distressing. They made a deal. Sylvia would get her road confidence
back after years of not driving, and in turn Mike would work on his mobility.
“I was so determined”, he says of his struggle to learn to walk again. Finally,
one day a physiotherapist brought him a quadruped (a walking stick with four
‘feet’ for stability), and he was off. He now uses it to get around at home and at
the day care centre.
It’s taken a great effort to recover and adjust to life after the stroke, but Mike
sees the positives. He used to drink every day before his stroke, and once he
could no longer go to the pub every night he lost a lot of weight. He also found
a new social home at the day care centre. On his first day he discovered that
another new starter, Charlie, was someone he had known for over 20 years,
and he’s made many more close friendships since. Mike has also discovered
the creative side he didn’t know he had: he’s started painting by numbers and
making foil scraping art, and is proud that the centre displays his paintings
and sells them to raise funds.
Even Mike and Sylvia’s travelling has continued, though not on the road
as they had planned. A few years after his stroke, they went on their first
cruise, and now they go every year. Once again, Mike has found true joy in an
unexpected new direction. The best part of going on a cruise, he says, is “you go
to bed at night and the next morning you’re in a different country.”

Right: Mike, 76, at Padwell Day Care Centre. ©Luke Didymus

CHAPTER TWO: HEALTH Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 26

GETTING OUT
Whether ill health comes on slowly or quickly, the loss of independence it can
bring is especially hard in old age. Health problems which might in the past
have been seen as temporary challenges can take on a new sense of finality.
Each loss can feel like an aspect of independent life is over and done with. Many
people we spoke to measured how well they were doing by how much they were
able to get around on their own. Doreen P expressed the value of mobility and
independence when she said that her grandmother’s old age had been relatively
good, because she could still go out shopping and “kept pretty busy”.
There comes a time for many people when they have to stop driving, whether
or not it’s their own decision. Several interviewees told us how hard they had
found this particular milestone. Mike even said it was his “hardest loss” when his
licence was taken away following his stroke, as he had loved driving so much.
Gordon also said he misses driving, and used to love it. In his case, it was
something he decided to give up after he found his concentration was failing.
Unusually, he hit the kerb once or twice. One night, on the way back to Sarisbury
Green after visiting friends in Romsey, Gordon found that, as he said, “instead
of being home I landed up in Portsmouth.” Soon afterwards, he told his daughter
that it was time for him to stop driving.
HEALTHCARE
With funding for the NHS a huge political issue at the moment, the media
often warn that the rising numbers of older people in the UK are placing a
disastrous burden on health services. While it’s true, of course, that people
do tend to need more healthcare in the later part of their lives, today’s over-
60s are also staying healthier than earlier generations, thanks to advances in
medicine, nutrition, and living conditions.
Only a couple of our interviewees told us about having received bad
CHAPTER TWO: HEALTH
A VIEW FROM THE PAST
In the vaults of Hampshire Record Office is a typewritten copy of an
article by Lady Laura Riddings, a philanthropist and women’s suffrage
campaigner who lived at Sutton Scotney. Written in 1929, the article,
called ‘Old Age’, contains Lady Laura’s thoughts on how people should
behave in later life, as well as the occasional comment on her own
experiences. She says: “The writer of this article has long ceased
to occupy that vantage ground among the seated spectators of the
amphitheatre. As an octogenarian, her place is in the arena, among
the gladiators who are fighting their last round with Time, and she can
therefore speak with the knowledge of fact, not with the conjecture of
theory, on the weakness and strength, on the losses and gains of old age.
She would place most prominently among its losses its sense of
ebbing vitality.”
treatment from health professionals, but in both cases they felt clear that they
had been treated differently because of their age. Mary L (104) was fobbed off
by her doctor when she asked for physiotherapy – she recalled him saying,
“you’re too old”. So Mary went through Social Services instead, got her physio,
and feels much better when she keeps up with her exercises.
Auriol put it bluntly: “I don’t think the attention that you get when you’re
older is as keen, as thorough, as a younger person. They look at you, they see ‘90’,
and they think you’re all gaga, you know.” She had been in good health until she
broke her wrist recently. She had to be persistent to get it treated, trying her
local health centre first, then Gosport War Memorial Hospital, and eight days
after her injury, she was treated at Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth.
She was given an appointment for a telephone review, but felt it still wasn’t
right – “but that was it, you know, because they take one look at you, ‘dear old
lady,’ they say, ‘oh 89 years old, oh well she’s all right with everything, you’ll just
have to put up with it,’ full stop.”
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 28
treatment from health professionals, but in both cases they felt clear that they
had been treated differently because of their age. Mary L (104) was fobbed off

HEALTHCARE:
by her doctor when she asked for physiotherapy – she recalled him saying,
“you’re too old”. So Mary went through Social Services instead, got her physio,

A QUICK HISTORY
and feels much better when she keeps up with her exercises.
Auriol put it bluntly: “I don’t think the attention that you get when you’re
older is as keen, as thorough, as a younger person. They look at you, they see ‘90’,
and they think you’re all gaga, you know.” She had been in good health until she
broke her wrist recently. She had to be persistent to get it treated, trying her
local health centre first, then Gosport War Memorial Hospital, and eight days 1909 1939
after her injury, she was treated at Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth. In America, Dr Ignatz Nascher at the start of the Second World
She was given an appointment for a telephone review, but felt it still wasn’t gives the specialism of medicine for War, the Ministry of Health sends
right – “but that was it, you know, because they take one look at you, ‘dear old older people a name: geriatrics. 140,000 patients home from
lady,’ they say, ‘oh 89 years old, oh well she’s all right with everything, you’ll just hospital to make room for victims
have to put up with it,’ full stop.” of the expected bombing. Many
1914-18 of them are elderly; young people
who can fight or do war work are
THE NHS lessons learned in the First World
War mean that nursing and infection
the priority.

control improves. Older people who

Although some of our interviewees felt that doctors give less attention would previously have died from
to older people, several shared memories of how things changed with the pneumonia or other infections are 1942
founding of the NHS in 1948. That year, healthcare became freely available to more likely to survive. the Beveridge Report sets out the
all, and in time people’s attitudes to doctors and hospitals were transformed. principles of the Welfare State –
Several people spoke to us about how differently their grandparents thought but says until services for young
about healthcare, and their memories of older people’s health being neglected 1935 and middle-aged people are in
because it would cost money to seek medical attention. At the Basingstoke in London, Dr Marjorie Warren of place, “it is dangerous to be in
Community Cafe, one customer remembered the front room being kept nicely the West Middlesex County Hospital any way lavish to old age”.
for special visitors, which included the doctor if someone fell ill; another said, takes over an infirmary that had
“I can remember my nan dealing with quinsy, but there was no doctor because she been run under the Poor Law. She
couldn’t afford it.” is horrified to find hundreds of 1947
Kate spoke about older people’s reluctance to get medical help, left over bedbound patients wasting away in the British Geriatrics Society
from the time before the NHS. Her own grandmother never went to the doctor gloomy wards, ignored by doctors. is set up
“because it cost money and she couldn’t afford to go”, and also she was “terrified of Dr Warren introduces exercises to
encourage rehabilitation.
going to hospital because that’s where you went to die. It wasn’t where you went to
get better, it was where you went to die. It was a completely different perception.”

CHAPTER TWO: HEALTH Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 30
 HEALTHCARE:
A QUICK HISTORY
STAYING ACTIVE
The importance of exercise for older adults is widely recognised now, and many
1947 1968 of our interviewees said how important physical activity was to them. Age
the first heart surgery the first heart transplant Concern Hampshire day care centres encourage even their very frail clients
in the UK surgery in the UK to move around as part of their day. Chair exercise to music is a form of gentle
movement that’s often used, as it’s accessible to everyone, but some people get
more out of sportier activities. The team at Lockswood Day Care Centre were
1950 2015 offered a set of table tennis bats and a net as part of a county-wide project,
the first successful modern 112-year-old Gladys Hooper and weren’t sure at first how it would go down. Mandy, the centre manager,
cataract removal operation of Ryde, Isle of Wight, remembered being “absolutely amazed that people who were quite frail physically,
becomes the oldest person you put the table tennis bat in their hand and off they go. It’s as though they forget to
in the world to have a hip feel frail and start to become active. So we might be hovering behind ready to catch
1960 replacement after she breaks and we might have lots of strategically placed chairs ready for people to sit down
modern hip replacement surgery her hip in a fall. She has since when they’ve had enough but it’s been fascinating how much people can do if you
is developed in Manchester celebrated her 113th birthday, give them the right equipment.”
maintaining her status as the At the Community Cafe in Basingstoke, one customer said he thought his
oldest person in the UK.
generation, growing up just after the Second World War, were healthier than
1961 young people today are likely to be, “because food was on ration so we weren’t
the UK’s first internal overeating and we were all physically fit because we were walking, cycling, and
pacemaker is fitted going to work. We were all very active. We never had keep-fit classes because you
had physical work.” A woman at the same table thought that might not be the
whole picture, and reminded us about smoking: “in our day nearly everybody
smoked. I mean… when I met my husband if he hadn’t smoked I’d have thought
there was something wrong with him!”

CHAPTER TWO: HEALTH Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 32
DEMENTIA
Dementia is not a natural or inevitable part of growing old, but even so as the
population ages, more of us will live with dementia. Increasingly, researchers
are developing ways to improve the lives of people with dementia, and it is
possible to live well with dementia. Of course, a diagnosis can be devastating
as people with dementia fear the unknown and the loss of their identity, and
it is often a tragic illness for carers and families to cope with. But at times,
being with a person with dementia can be a spur to learning a different way
of living, of being present in the moment. Learning more about dementia, and
listening to people who are living with it, is key to changing the way we all
think about people with the illness.
Social stigma is part of the problem. It can lead people to think that those
with dementia are not worth talking to – something which people taking
part in the Age Fusion activities found firmly not to be the case. The project
confirmed that it is important, and can be enjoyable, to take time to talk to
people with dementia. A group of young people from Hampshire Fire and
Rescue Service’s Prince’s Trust Team in Fareham had a wonderful afternoon
at Lockswood Day Care Centre, talking to the people there about their lives
and looking at old photographs together. The young participants enjoyed
the day hugely, and gained in confidence as a result. The generations found
they had shared interests in many topics, from the armed forces to pub
culture. Afterwards, we asked the young people if they had had any problems
communicating because of older people’s memory loss or dementia. No, they
said – most of them thought they hadn’t spoken to anyone who had dementia.
In fact, almost all of them had.
CHAPTER TWO: HEALTH
“I THREAD IT BACK”
While talking about their lives, some people we met mentioned their
problems with memory loss. One woman described the feeling as
“smudgy-mudgy”; another said that at times her train of thought “goes
away and I thread it back”.
Some of our interviewees had a degree of short-term memory
loss typically giving them problems with remembering day-to-day
practicalities, but they could still tell detailed stories from their past.
The dementia care consultant Dr Gemma Jones has compared
dementia to a moving bookcase. If you imagine all a person’s memories
stacked as books in a bookcase, with their earliest memories and
learned skills on the bottom shelf and the most recent on the top shelf,
then dementia is like an earthquake that causes the bookcase to rock.
The books which fall off first are those at the top – the memories which
were laid down most recently. It’s also harder to put new books on to
the top shelf (creating short-term memory) as the bookcase moves. But
while facts and figures are stored in a flimsy bookcase, the bookcase of
emotional memories is solid and stable.
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 34
Changing
attitudes
Mandy, who manages an Age Concern Hampshire day
care centre, is a Dementia Champion. As part of the
Alzheimer’s Society’s ‘Dementia Friends’ project, she
delivers dementia training to members of the public as
well as people who work or volunteer with older people.
Her interest is both personal and professional:

M
andy’s mother Betty lived with dementia for 14 years. When Betty
was only 60, her family started to realise something might be wrong.
Her personality changed in small ways, and she became more
forgetful. Back then, in the early 1990s, Mandy said “there wasn’t actually a
formal diagnosis because they weren’t doing brain scans then. […] we just had to
assume [from the mini-mental test scores].” There were many difficult times,
including once when Betty disappeared on a coach journey from Fareham to
Manchester. But she was often happy – her perception that the people on TV
were really in her living room was more comfortable than scary, for instance,
and she told Mandy after watching the Last Night of the Proms on TV that
she’d seen it live, and had the best seat in the house.
Her mother’s dementia inspired Mandy to work with older people,
particularly those with dementia. Since then, she’s seen big changes in how
dementia is understood. She said things have improved “because we’ve all
become so much more aware of dementia that we can talk about it. I think in the
early days, people wouldn’t talk about it. There wasn’t a diagnosis, they wouldn’t
readily go to the doctor. It was sort of accepted as ‘they’re becoming a bit senile.’
Above: Mandy, 61, talking to a client at Lockswood Wellbeing Centre,
where she is the manager. ©Zoe Waren
Which is not a term we’d use ever now and so […] there really wasn’t very
much support”.
Maria, another day care centre manager, also said the changes had been
huge. “When I first starting working with people with dementia … they didn’t
‘have a dementia’, they were ‘demented’, so if you gave me any problems then
I would inject you and put you in a room.” These days, Maria said, there is
more understanding that people living with dementia are still people; they
don’t become their dementia. Carers are encouraged to join people in their
world, rather than contradict them when they’re living in a different time
or perception. Maria gave an example: “Susannah comes in and she’s ‘getting
married tomorrow.’ What the hell? She is getting married tomorrow. Why am
I going to say, ‘No, don’t be stupid!’ First of all I have to look at her as Susannah
being 86. I have to respect that person because she’s older than me. Who am I to
actually tell her that she’s wrong?”

CHAPTER TWO: HEALTH Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 36
“I was a driver
in the WAAF”
– Joan’s story
At 91, Joan’s memories of much of her life have faded. Asked
about how she spends her days, she says “I can’t recall”.

W
hen we met her, Joan wasn’t sure where she was, whether she has a
carer, or how she got to the day care centre where we met. In spite of
this, she was warm and open as she answered our questions, laughing
contentedly and taking a genuine interest in the interviewer’s job. She remembers
playing on the beach in Hove, where she grew up with her parents and two
brothers. The sea is her clearest and happiest memory of childhood: “I was always
on the beach […] it was lovely”.
During the Second World War, at the age of 17, Joan joined the WAAF (the
Women’s Auxiliary Air Force, set up to support the RAF). She was pleased to be
trained as a driver, which was preferable to sitting in an office. She remembers
driving a ration lorry, “a big old thing”, as well as driving people around. She met
her husband there, as he was in the RAF, and they went on to have three daughters.
Joan is a vegan, and says she’s been vegetarian for as long as she can remember.
She’s led a healthy life, saying she enjoys walking along the sea front, in parks,
and up on the dyke outside Hove; it’s a long way from where she lives now, but she
talks fondly about those times in the present tense. Asked how she felt on the day
of our interview, Joan says “Oh fine – happy!” and laughs.

Right: Joan, 91, at Lockswood Wellbeing Centre. ©Luke Didymus

CHAPTER TWO: HEALTH Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 38
CHAPTER THREE Most people need some form of care in later life, and
in Age Fusion project interviews we talked a lot about
what it feels like to care for other people, and also to be

CARE
cared for. Our interviewees included care professionals
as well as informal carers looking after their loved
ones, and many of them had direct experience both of
giving and receiving care.

Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 40

IN SICKNESS
AND IN HEALTH
Caring for a partner or other family member is a common experience in the local councils provided home carers who were generally well trained and
old age, as is being cared for; for some people it’s a continuation of family qualified, and built up a relationship with the people they cared for. Then in
care between the generations, while for others it’s a new phase of life after 1993, the Community Care Act came in. As Angela said, “it was going to be a
independence in youth and middle age. It can be rewarding. Karl (90) spoke brave new world, and instead of the council running a home care service, private
with pride about caring for his wife Peggy when she developed arthritis. He industry was going to provide this.” At first, there was lots of money to be spent
had support from NHS carers and from his daughter, but, he said, “I used to do on imaginative ways of helping people –
cooking, I used to do washing. I even changed her you know, where she couldn’t get Angela arranged a live-in carer for one man,
out of bed and everything”. Peggy had a couple of hospital stays, coming home Caring Contributions and even bought his weekly cigarettes and
after each, before finally needing to go into a nursing home. According to the County beer. “But about ’94, ’95ish the money ran out.
Jill (78) cared for her mother while she was still working as a headteacher Council’s ‘Hampshire And gradually […] assessments of older people
herself, and talked to us about the experience. Ageing Profile’ report of became much more stringent […] it had gone
“I looked after her for 16 years and I was working and having […] Ofsted Spring 2015, more than from being the best job in the world to being
inspections and HMI inspections. That was quite hard work. I used to get up 40,000 people aged 65 quite a difficult job to do and everything was
at six and I’d leave work at seven and go over […] I used to get up, take her a cup and older in Hampshire about money.” These days, the voluntary sector
of tea, give her breakfast, give her a shower, and she was very appreciative and have unpaid caring offers some excellent services for older people,
sometimes I feel a bit guilty because I did speak a bit sharply to her sometimes and
responsibilities. Informal according to Angela, but they are patchy –
care by the elderly is
you feel guilty when you’ve done that, don’t you?” great in certain areas, sparse in others.
more common than in
Jill herself later had a stroke, and now needs care from her husband Bill. “I Kate, also a volunteer at Age Concern
the past, and there are
suppose I can see now how she relied on me like I rely on my husband,” she said. Hampshire, had a suggestion for how things
also proportionately
“But my husband is marvellous. He’s my life – he’s my brick really, or rock I should more older people than could be improved: “I’d like to see a proper
say. He’s wonderful, he’s really wonderful my husband. I’m so lucky to have him.” the rest of the population professional body set up for carers. Caring should
who give “excessive care” come with proper training, accreditation and all

CARING PROFESSIONALS
The Age Concern Hampshire staff and volunteers we interviewed expressed
strong and varying views on social care. Angela, who now volunteers on ACH’s
Information and Advice phone line, started working as a social worker several
years before doing her formal training in 1995. When she started, she told us,
of 50+ hours a week the checks and balances that that implies [as well
as] on-going education. I think carers are paid
abominably badly. The salary structure needs to be looked at and improved. …
And if you get that training structure right then you’ll improve quality of care. It’s
going to cost money and the money isn’t there.”

CHAPTER THREE: CARE Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 42
“Typical
Latin!”
– Maria’s story
Maria (58) is passionate about her work as a day care
centre manager for Age Concern Hampshire. Talking about
her job, she often gets emotional, which she says makes
her a ‘typical Latin’. Her Portuguese background has also
influenced her attitude to caring for older people.

M
aria was born in a village in Portugal, but at the age of two she
moved with her mother to Mozambique where her father worked
as a professional footballer. Three years later, they moved to South
Africa, where Maria and her younger brother grew up. They returned to
Portugal for 45 days each year – the most her school allowed – to spend time
with family. She was brought up to love and respect both sets of grandparents,
and also her great-grandmother, who died aged 102 when Maria was 15. “It’s
a part of my culture, isn’t it?” she says. “… when I was being brought up it was
always my grandmother that was the highest person in the family on my mum’s
side and my dad’s side, so to me my great grandmother was the one that I had to
listen to and everybody listened to.” She came from a different time, and was

Right: Maria, 58, celebrating Ian and Peter’s 84th and 94th birthdays
at Kershaw Day Care Centre. ©Zoe Waren

CHAPTER THREE: CARE Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 44

suspicious of the television: “I remember her sitting down in the lounge and on
a Sunday we always used to watch bullfights […] and she used to say to the kids,
‘don’t say anything, don’t talk because the bull will come out of the TV’!”
Maria saw very different priorities reflected in the cultures of Portugal
and South Africa. She explains: “my duty is to my family. Whereas in South
Africa, my friends’ duty was to themselves.” When she came to choose a career,
Maria trained as a physiotherapist as she was drawn to looking after people.
Her first job, surprisingly in South Africa under Apartheid, was in a hospital
for black people, doing physiotherapy with people with dementia. After
several international moves with her husband, Maria divorced. In 2006 she
came to the UK and found work in the care sector, which brought her
to Southampton.
In the six years Maria has run the Padwell Road centre, she has seen
several changes. When Age Concern Hampshire’s day centres became day
care centres, Maria says, they changed for the better in certain ways. They
keep detailed care plans for each service user, and are run to the standards of
care homes but without the beds. Whenever she can, Maria enables people to
make their own decisions: she encouraged the members to form a committee
to tell staff what they wanted from the centre. Maria is not allowed into
meetings of the members’ committee, so that everyone feels free to express
themselves. She also explains that when possible at her centre, “we allow
people to take risks”, rather than putting limits on them.
Like generations of women before her in her family, Maria expects to
look after her mother when she needs care, which will mean going back to
Portugal. She doesn’t have a plan for her own old age, but doesn’t expect her
sons to continue the pattern of caring for the older generation as people now
have to work – “times have changed”.
CHAPTER THREE: CARE
A 1950S DAY CENTRE
Dorothy Vallance was shocked by the poverty and need she discovered
when she set up a Red Cross ‘old people’s club’ in Gosport in the 1950s.
Dorothy soon found herself catering for more than 50 people a day. She
wrote about it decades later, and her account ended up in Hampshire
Record Office. Many of the problems she found are still common.
“My first member was a little old lady of 82. I found her a nice arm
chair by the fire and asked if she would like tea or coffee. I was rather
surprised when she asked if I would give her breakfast as she said she
was living in one very small back bedroom with just a small stove and
she said ‘if I don’t get out and come here I know [I] shall commit suicide’,
she said she had no-one in the world, I really felt so sorry for her, I gave
her [a] good breakfast and she stayed until it was time to close the club,
before she left I cut her some bread and butter together with a couple
of scones and cakes and she was so pleased and said that will last me
till tomorrow, she was on the doorstep each morning as I opened the
door. […] One morning she was rather late, when she did arrive I noticed
she had a large bag so I thought maybe she had got groceries but it was
[from] the launderette. As I looked round she had put all her undies
around the fire to air – she said how nice it was to be able to air them by
a nice fire instead [of] putting them under her sheet at night to air. […] I
saw such a lot of poverty while running the club. [I] felt so sorry as quite
a few of the people couldn’t afford a hot meal every day. So I decided to
do hot meals three times a week.”
"I saw such a lot of poverty while
running the club. [I] felt so sorry as quite
a few of the people couldn’t afford a
hot meal every day."
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 46
 CARE: A QUICK HISTORY
1834
The Royal Commission on the
Poor Laws says that England is
unusually bad at looking after
its old people – something that’s
natural “even among savages”.
1909
About half the population of the
dreaded workhouses are elderly
people. Before the introduction
of the Welfare State, workhouses
are the only option for old
people living in poverty with no
family care.
1940s
‘Meals on Wheels’ develops out of
emergency meals services
during the Blitz.
1944
The Ministry of Health extends
the ‘home help’ scheme, helping
everyone from new mothers with
housework, to frail elderly people.
The service is patchy at first.
CHAPTER THREE: CARE
1940s
After the end of the Second
World War, welfare reforms
set up social services for old
and disabled people, both in
residential homes and at home.
1962
‘The Last Refuge’ by Peter
Townsend exposes low standards
of care for elderly people in
institutions, often in unsuitable
buildings such as former
workhouses.
1968
The Health Services and Public
Health Act makes home help the
responsibility of local authorities.
1970
The Local Authority Social
Services Act sets up social
services departments.
1981 1996
The UK government publishes a The Community Care Act brings in
White Paper, Growing Older, the idea of Direct Payments: money
which says “care in the community which an individual can use to pay
must increasingly mean care by for their own care as they choose.
the community”.
2014
1990 The Care Act brings in a major
The Community Care Act introduces overhaul of the social care
individual care packages put system, with changes to how local
together by a nominated social authorities assess needs, and
worker, making more use of private the obligations they have towards
and voluntary care. vulnerable adults.
1960s SNAPSHOT
The Hartley Wintney Darby & Joan Club was run by volunteers from
the Methodist Church as well as various women’s organisations. Their
minute book for 1954-75, now in Hampshire Record Office, gives a flavour
of the services which were on offer to older people at that time. The
Darby & Joan Club arranged coach trips and Christmas parties, as well
as Christmas gifts for disabled older people. The Club’s birthday was
celebrated every year: at the 6th, in 1956, a newspaper reported: “AGED
93, HE CUT SIXTH BIRTHDAY PARTY CAKE – Rubicund, cheerily chuckling
Mr Joseph Morris was the oldest member present at the sixth birthday
party of Hartley Wintney Darby and Joan Club in the Methodist Schoolroom
on Friday. To cut the birthday cake he had to climb over chairs, and he did
this as agilely as though 93 years of living had been no burden.”
Volunteers visited isolated old people at home, and by 1960 a chiropody
service had started, part-funded by the Red Cross. In 1966, a note records
that “during the past year a ‘Meals-on-Wheels’ Service had begun to
operate in the District.” The Darby and Joan Club was told that the food
wasn’t very good, and passed the comments on to the Council. An everyday
minute book like this shows the spread of services designed for old people
in the second half of the century.
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 48
BEING CARED FOR “I think
I’ve always
When we asked about the most difficult or negative aspects of getting older,
being dependent on other people came up again and again.
A group of friends at the Basingstoke Community Cafe, talking about
whether health or money were more important for a ‘good’ old age, thought

been old”
that it all boiled down to independence. One talked about a friend of hers who
had gone into a home because of physical frailty: “She was a very independent
person and then all of a sudden she got put in a home and that’s it. So she’s not
using her brain – I went to visit her and [she said] ‘I’ve got to have my afternoon
nap’, that’s all they do.” Being in an institution had given her friend too much
routine and too little to do for herself. “They get you dressed even if you can dress

- Angela’s story
yourself because it’s what they’re paid to do. And even if you can walk they put you
in a wheelchair to save accidents,” she said.
Jill, disabled after a stroke, described how her husband takes care of her at
home. She clearly appreciates everything he does for her, but seemed to feel
guilty for being dependent, saying “He is lovely. I do rely on him, which I know I
shouldn’t really, should I?” Angela (65) has always had an affinity with older people,
Doreen P pointed out something that annoys her about having to have help which led her to volunteer for Age Concern Hampshire via
now that she is blind: “I’ve got to have somebody with me to take me wherever I her career in social work. She even says she’s always felt old.
want to go. […] Perhaps if you’re not such an impatient person as I am it would be
all right. But I find it’s awful having to wait. They say, ‘just a moment, I’ll be back.’
Well it’s not just a moment, it’s about two hours later and probably what you think

you want to ask them has gone.”
The ‘baby boomers’, born after the Second World War, are used to living
their lives with more choice and freedom than previous generations. Angela,
born in 1951, explained the difference she saw between her life and those of her
mother and grandmother, both housewives: “That was their role in life whereas I
grew into an age of much greater choice, much greater opportunity, I mean I could
travel if I wanted to, I could leave home if I wanted to … and I did all those things,
and I made quite a lot of mistakes because of the choice and the freedoms I had. But
possibly Mum and my gran would have liked to have had the chance to have made
some of those mistakes too.” The generation entering retirement today are likely
to have different thoughts on the kind of individual care they want, and to be
more confident than previous generations in expressing their opinions.
A
ngela remembers both her parents giving their time to older people
in their local area of Millbrook in Southampton. Angela’s mother
regularly invited elderly ‘waifs and strays’ round to lunch at
weekends, and her generosity and empathy were a big influence on Angela.
It was an enormous shock for Angela, then in her late 30s, when both
her parents died suddenly within a year of each other. Soon afterwards,
hoping to be able to carry on their good work, she applied for a job as a social
worker. Her first job was back in Millbrook, working with some of the same
people her parents had helped – she said it was her “dream job” and that
with hindsight, she was trying to replace her parents as part of the process
of grieving. In addition, she says: “I was able to do for those older people what
I hadn’t been able to do for my parents because they had never reached old

CHAPTER THREE: CARE Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 50
old age. They’d only reached what I call ‘young old age’ which is 65, having
grandchildren, still […] doing everything.”
Working as a social worker was very rewarding for Angela. She felt she
really helped the vast majority of people she worked with, arranging for them
to have care or other support in their homes, or helping them to get out to
clubs or day centres.
At the age of 54, Angela developed a health problem called hemifacial
spasm, which made her face twitch and contort. As well as causing constant
discomfort, the illness transformed her appearance. It became clear that
people saw her as older and less capable. Talking was difficult, and Angela
lost her confidence. She stopped work, and began to withdraw and become
isolated – she calls it “a sudden acquisition of old age”. Luckily, an operation to
cure Angela’s condition was a success. It took time for Angela to get her life
back, and volunteering at Age Concern Hampshire played a part in helping
her, as she says, to “rejoin the world”.
Angela’s experiences in her career, as well as the illness which gave her
a taste of old age ahead of time, have led her to think deeply about what she
wants from her own old age. She’s planned her funeral, and has even written
down instructions for her carers if there comes a time when she needs
personal care and can’t communicate her own needs well. Having seen cases
of unsuitable or undignified care through her career in social work, Angela
thinks it’s essential to treat older adults as individuals and not to offer the
same solution to everyone. She also thinks people approaching old age should
talk more about ill health and death, and try to ask those awkward questions
of their relatives.

Right: Angela, 65, volunteering at Age Concern Hampshire

head office in Winchester. ©Luke Didymus

CHAPTER THREE: CARE Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 52
“TO THE CARERS I HOPE
I’LL NEVER NEED”
Angela drew up her own ‘unofficial living will’ a few years ago, when she was
about to have surgery. In her career as a social worker, she had sometimes seen
care that she felt showed a “general lack of regard for the individual character and
preferences of the cared-for person.” She thinks people should talk more about
these difficult subjects, and that “we each have a part to play in ensuring that our
own care is empowering, sensitive and personalised.” Her letter has been edited
here for length.
“The person you are caring for was, believe it or not, once a bit like you; strong,
vibrant, caring and, though a serious person at heart, I liked to laugh. I was a good
communicator and sometimes rather bossy. I loved to be spontaneous rather than
held to a routine or set of rules. My memory was sharp and I didn’t always have this
twitch that now makes me look a little weird and crazy. People were my passion in
every way but I also liked quiet times and lots of space. I liked to speak for myself
and make my own decisions – I was never one for being bossed or patronised! …
I’d respectfully ask you to consider the following while caring for me:
• I love food and don’t want any of those ‘old age portions’. Please make sure I’ve
always got a carbohydrate snack and cold drink by my side.
• I tend to swear, it’s a kind of stress release. Please don’t take it personally.
• If I am still able, please help me to gamble on the horses – it’s been my lifetime
passion and all the time I can use a computer and manage my own finances, I
want to do so. Take me to the races if you can.
• Contrary to my behaviour, I am a Christian and I love singing hymns and
occasionally attending church services – I don’t care what denomination.
• Could I please see the countryside or green space from wherever I end up? That
would compensate for so many of the things I may have lost.
• If I can’t control the TV or music myself (useless with anything technical by the
CHAPTER THREE: CARE
way) then please don’t leave me with Radio One on! My favourite song is Anthem
by Leonard Cohen and my favourite TV programmes are Have I Got News For
You, Channel 4 Racing, Question Time, anything Charles Dickens, or a good
drama without too much violence.
• I’ve slept in my own bedroom most of my life, married and single. The thought of
sharing is abhorrent to me. If I have developed dementia it doesn’t mean that I’ve
stopped wanting privacy.
• I always get up late, usually around 9am if I can. Make me last on your caring
rounds please and if I stay in bed until 10am
even better.
Making a plan
There’s lots of help and
• Please always ask me if I would prefer to
advice out there if, like
remain in a quiet space or be amongst people. Angela, you or someone you
And don’t put me on a dining table with the know wants to think ahead
same person every day – I like short bursts with about care in later life. For
different people and get bored easily. I am also instance, Age UK publishes
best taken in small doses! a useful factsheet Before
You Go with practical advice
• Please wash my hair at least every 4 days, I shall on planning for the end of
go mad if you don’t. And I’ve had this style since life, including how to start
I was 21 and do not wish to have it cut short. difficult conversations.
• Please never keep my family away from me, no matter what you may think of
them. I trust them implicitly and am happy that any of them speaks for me if I
can’t speak for myself.
• I’m not afraid of dying and I would like to know if my time is drawing near. I’d
like my death to be as non-invasive and natural as possible. Only if I am in dire
pain should you wire me up to a machine or a syringe driver. I only wish to be
resuscitated if I am likely to have a good quality of life afterwards. If I have had a
major stroke then please let me die in dignity.
Thank you for caring for me and for reading this. I hope I am still able to say this
personally. It’s a hard job that you’re doing, but empathy is what differentiates a
good carer from a bad one. Sorry I have nothing to leave you in my Will.”
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 54
CHAPTER FOUR Death is, of course, something all of us will have in
common eventually, yet it’s often hard to talk about.
We wanted to know what the Age Fusion interviewees’

DEATH
attitudes were to the end of life, and whether they even
thought it was appropriate to talk about it. We asked
about funeral planning and bereavement, and explored

AND
how attitudes to death have changed over time.

LOSS

Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 56

THE SHADOW OF DEATH
None of us knows when we’re going to die. Several of our interviewees
described, though, how death feels closer and more a part of life in old age. It
doesn’t have to be the deaths of loved ones, or someone’s own illness; for Rob
(64), even celebrity news makes him feel his mortality. He explained: “what’s
even more scary is the fact that all of these famous people who’ve been dying
recently are all in their late 60s, and you think ouch … actually that’s my age.”
Another sad sign of growing older is finding yourself going to more funerals
than weddings or christenings. Mike (76) talked about the close friends he’d
made over the years at his day care centre, many of them older than him, and
about the sadness he felt when they died. Asked what he and his friends felt
about planning for their funerals, he said “We don’t talk about it. We don’t talk
about death at all really.”
We spoke to several interviewees about their older relatives’ deaths, and
many of them said that no-one had talked to them much about death as children.
Jill’s grandfather died when she was 11, in 1948. She thinks he died of lung
cancer, but cancer wasn’t mentioned in those days. She said: “I was very upset.
[…] Mum said ‘you’ve got to be brave, because Gran’s been very brave and she hasn’t
cried at all’. So I tried not to cry. We didn’t go to the funeral…”
Angela lost her grandmother when she was 5 and also didn’t go to the funeral.
Her father told her that “Granny went to the angels last night, and she’s just a shell
now”, which left a confused young Angela imagining her granny transformed
into a giant seashell, taken up to heaven on a motorbike by Hell’s Angels.
PLANNING AHEAD
Angela and Joyce, both volunteers with Age Concern Hampshire, have both
planned their own funerals and think it’s important to talk about death in a
way their own parents wouldn’t have considered. Among their friends, they
CHAPTER FOUR: DEATH AND LOSS
said, funerals are very different from the previous generations’: everyone
participates, instead of just a vicar leading the service.
Even people who did want to talk to their families about death didn’t find it
easy. Some people told us their children resisted when they brought it up, and
others remembered telling their own parents they didn’t want to talk about it.
Rob (64) and his wife are finding it hard to talk about planning for the worst,
thinking they’re still too young. He says: “we have not even made a will yet, which
is appalling and that’s something that’s happening this year, we’re going to go and
see a solicitor. … We haven’t discussed funerals at all and I think we should.”
Some families find it easier to laugh about death. Shirley said in her family,
“we make a joke of it. ‘There’s a bin down the garden, put me in when I’m gone!’ …
‘Chop me up, put me in the bin, have a barbecue!’ Yes, we have a good laugh about
it … I don’t worry in the slightest bit about dying”. Mike’s mother used to say her
funeral would be easy because of her house’s handy location – “she said that
when she goes she only needs to be put in a wheelbarrow and wheeled across the
road to the crematorium!”
LEAVING AND
THE LEFT BEHIND
In several conversations, the question of what makes a ‘good death’ came up
naturally. One visitor to the Basingstoke Community Café told us about his
wife’s very peaceful end in a hospice, from cancer, which had given her time to
prepare. In an interview, Rob said it had been a privilege to sit with his father
when he died. “…It was a privilege to see the stress and the avoidance of difficult
decisions just disappearing into a moment of peace.” When death was sudden
and unexpected, it was seen as better for the dying person but harder for their
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 58

families. Doreen P’s father was getting dressed one morning when he said to
his wife, “I’ve got a terrific headache Annie.’ … and with that he collapsed on the
floor and was violently sick and he died, just like that.” Doreen reflected, “I hope
when my time comes I go just like that. Although it was a very sad time, he did
have a very peaceful end which was good for him, not so for us…”
Talking about her own husband David’s death, Auriol also thought it was
good that he hadn’t had a long illness. Instead, he went into hospital and
quickly ended up on life support, which led to a traumatic decision three
weeks later when the medical team needed Auriol’s permission to switch off
the life support machine. Despite the presence of her family, Auriol found it
a very lonely responsibility. She remembered, “my family said, ‘you’ve got to do
it Mum’, but in the end it was up to me and I was more or less killing the person
that I loved the most, it was horrible, horrible.” Being left alone was awful too,
of course: “that really does hit you when suddenly … you look round and say ‘I
must tell him about so-and-so’ and there’s nobody there.” Being widowed is more
linked to getting older today than it was centuries ago, when more people
died in youth and middle age. One of a group of friends at the Basingstoke
Community Cafe said they had met at a support group for people who had lost
their partners; she described the experience of bereavement as if “you miss
your right arm”, but the friends agreed it helped to have people around them
who understood.
CHAPTER FOUR: DEATH AND LOSS
“I’m not
frightened
about dying”
– Jill’s story
Jill (78) has always been an anxious person, or a
‘worryguts’ in her words, but death is one thing that
doesn’t scare her.
J
ill’s nervous disposition is understandable for a little girl who grew
up in wartime, and saw her family injured in the Blitz. Jill was not
yet three when the Second World War started, and while her father
served as a pilot in Canada, Jill lived with her mother, grandparents and twin
sister in Sunbury-on-Thames. She remembers looking out of the window to
see searchlights, and hiding under the dining table with her grandmother
during a raid. One night, their house was hit by a flying bomb. Jill shared a
bed with her mother, who threw herself across her when the blast hit. Next
Jill remembers her grandmother carrying her around the house, and Jill
screaming because her gran’s neck was bleeding; she had been hit by a clock
that had flown off the mantelpiece. Jill’s grandfather had also been injured.
He had stood up to get dressed for ARP duty when he heard the siren, and
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 60
was blown across his bed by the bomb. The sight of his bandaged head
terrified Jill.
If the outside world was scary, there was love and safety within Jill’s
family. Her grandmother was anxious like her, but also had a wonderful
sense of humour – Jill remembers her “killing herself with laughter” when
a man phoned thinking they were a pub, and swore when he realised he’d
got the wrong number. She would also play make–believe games with her
granddaughters, like ‘hairdressers’, and ‘mothers and fathers’ in a house
made from Grandmother’s hand-knitted blanket draped over a table. She
was an animal lover, and owned a black-and-white cat, a dog, a parrot and a
canary. Jill’s grandfather was soft with the girls. When their mother tried
to make Jill eat vegetables, which she hated, he defended her. Sadly he didn’t
live to spoil them into adulthood – he died of lung cancer when Jill was 11,
shortly after her baby sister was born.
Jill may have absorbed her attitude to death from her family, for whom
religion was a comfort and humour was to be found in everything. Jill’s
mother never worried about dying, and used to refer to the time “when I
go”, which Jill deflected by joking “Don’t say that, Mum. He won’t have you yet,
you’re not good enough!” Jill’s grandparents also used to joke about death.
Commenting on his wife’s constant cleaning of the stairs, her grandfather
would say “‘Maggie, when you die I’m going to put that dustpan and brush in
your coffin!’ – ‘Mind I don’t put it in yours,’ she’d say.”
In time, Jill met and married her husband Bill, and they had two children,
Paul and Lynne. Jill built a successful career in education and rose to be a
headteacher. Then life changed suddenly for Jill one day in her early 70s,
when she had a stroke. She now depends on her husband’s care, as well as the
Lifeline alarm she wears which she can use to call for help if she has a fall.
She still feels nervous about being left alone, and doesn’t like to walk around
on her own in case of falls. Yet if anything, Jill’s stroke has made her even
less afraid of death. She says, “I’m not frightened of dying. Because I was very
ill earlier on and I don’t remember a thing, not a thing.”

Right: Jill, 78, at The Limes Day Care Centre, Alton. ©Zoe Waren

CHAPTER FOUR: DEATH AND LOSS Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 62
CHAPTER FIVE When we talked to our interviewees about their life
stories, we sometimes asked about the present and
the future: where, and with whom, did they live, and did

HOME
they expect or want to stay there? Is it important to stay
living independently? How does growing older change
people’s needs and wants for a home? And how did
those who had moved to live with family, or gone into a
home, feel about their situation?

Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 64

 “Living to
IN MY OWN HOME
Although some acknowledged the need for ‘homes’ for older people who need
tell the tale”
– Gladys’ story
a certain level of care, most of the Age Fusion interviewees agreed that ideally,
they wanted to live independently in their own homes for as long as possible.
Angela wanted the freedom not to be surrounded by other people, to have to
be polite to anyone, or to stick to someone else’s routine: “I can see myself living
in my own space, in my own home, nowhere else, thank you. And I don't ever want
to be in a communal living arrangement.” As a social worker, though, she has

seen people, often with dementia, go into residential care even though they
might feel the same way. She sees the reasons for it “but the sadness is that the
person with dementia doesn’t have the ability to speak up for themselves any more
or to verbalise or to put a sensible argument for staying in their own home.”
Often, people are reluctant to leave the place that has been home for
decades, perhaps where they have brought up families. Rob worries about
his mother’s living situation: “The house is too big for her but it’s been her only
home where she’s lived in for ages. … she’s got lots of happy memories of dad and
the family growing up there. So I’m not sure she’d willingly move…” Auriol feels
the same, and is now planning to have a downstairs bathroom installed in
the house she moved to when it was brand new in the 1950s. She remembers
watching it being built and choosing the decor, and hopes the new bathroom
will help her stay at home for a long time. Auriol doesn’t much like the idea of
a residential home. She said: “Nursing homes are very good but they take away
your thinking power. You don’t have to think what you’ve got to have for your
meal, it’s put there for you.”
Some people told us how they wanted to pass on their homes to younger
generations, and worried this might not be possible if they went into
residential care. Shirley has lived in the same house for 45 years. Because she
is a council tenant, she worries that when she dies, her daughter will have to
leave the house; the tenancy has been ‘passed over’ once already, to Shirley
from her husband when he died.
G
ladys’ life has been hard at times, but at 90 she’s proud to have got
through it all and to have outlived her husband, who in her words
“wasn’t very good… he used to belt me about a bit.” After an argument, she
remembers, “he’d go on the old beer and he’d come back and – bonk!” But Gladys
says it’s not good to dwell on the past, and she’s glad that he never touched the
children. She had three daughters, the middle of whom sadly died at Christmas
a couple of years ago. Gladys hated that time of year anyway, after her
husband had spoiled too many Christmases.
LONELY OR INDEPENDENT?
Many more older people live alone today than centuries ago. In her book Old
Age in Modern Society, sociologist Christina Victor estimates that before
the Industrial Revolution fewer than one in 10 older people in England lived
alone; in Hampshire in 2011, the proportion was nearly one in three. We
could see this as a tragedy, part of an epidemic of loneliness; on the other
hand, the trend is partly down to increased wealth and the fact that more
people can now afford to live on their own. The fact more people are able to
stay living alone and independently could be seen as good news.

CHAPTER FIVE: HOME Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 66
 Gladys has happy memories of her rural childhood in the village of North
Walsham, growing up in a close family with her parents and grandparents
around her. There are things she would do differently if she could go back, but
she says you’ve got to look to the future.
These days, Gladys lives in a residential care home. She has everything she
needs, including a private room with a toilet and all her washing done for her,
which leaves her with “nothing to do, only to sit about and sleep.” Coming into
the home was sad, especially as she had to leave her beloved dog Lulu with
her daughter, and although Gladys has settled more now, she still says it will
never be ‘home’ to her. She would like it if the staff were more open with her,
for instance about the tablets they give her. She talks movingly about wanting
more freedom to go for a walk outside the grounds of the home, or to get on
one of the buses she sees going past.
Gladys enjoys company, and likes coming to her day care centre for some
decent conversation. One thing she would like is to be able to make a cup of
tea in her room for her visitors at the home. The home don’t allow residents
kettles in their rooms, so Gladys has to ask someone to bring her tea, even
though she says she’d like to do it herself and is capable. She says she used to
be “an independent lady”, and that “when you can’t do nothing for yourself you’re
bound to think you’re a nuisance.”

Right: Gladys, 90, at Rosefield Day Care Centre, Odiham. ©Zoe Waren

CHAPTER FIVE: HOME Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 68
“LIKE GOING BACK IN TIME” PUBLIC HOUSING
One of the questions which the Age Fusion project put to its interviewees was, For as long as the authorities
“who had (or will have) a better old age: you, your parents, or your grandparents?” have researched the attitudes
Several people, thinking about this, considered how much easier housework is of older people, studies have
now. All the daily work of lighting fires, washing clothes by hand, and shopping found that most prefer to stay
often enough without a fridge or freezer would be especially hard as people got in their own homes. At the
older. Rob’s grandparents lived in a cottage by the sea in Northumberland. He has start of the 20th century, the
a strong memory of their “washing room opposite the house, across the access only public housing available
alleyway, which had a particular smell to it. I can remember the smell, it was a sort for many older people who
of combination of old washing powder and what have you, and she had one of those couldn’t support themselves
sort of hand [mangles] that you wring your clothes out with and it was just lovely, it was the workhouse. Life in the
was like going back in time.” workhouse was designed to
Kate had similar memories of her grandparents living in an old-fashioned house, be unpleasant, so that it would
though she made it sound less romantic, with the only running water supply to an only be a last resort for people
Ashurst (Geriatric) Hospital in the 1960s.
outhouse scullery: “the house had … no electricity, they had gas lighting and candles. who had no other way to live. This was formerly the New Forest Poor
The toilet was half way up the garden, it was a long thin garden and the family Families were split up when Law Union Workhouse.
always used to call going to the loo ‘going to little Switzerland’ particularly in the they went in, inmates’ clothes Hampshire Record Office: 121M96/E1
winter. There was [running] water in a sink in the scullery and she had a big old were taken away and replaced
copper kettle in one corner that she did the washing in…” with workhouse uniform, and the diet and decor were grim. Long after the
workhouse system ended, they were still feared. Interviewees remembered
This photograph was found in Hampshire
their grandparents being afraid of going into hospital or residential care
Record Office when searching for images
captioned with the words "old age". It shows
because they thought of all institutions as ‘the workhouse’. In many cases,
Lydia Glasspool, born around 1880, in the this was because the workhouse buildings were turned into hospitals when
kitchen of The Laurels, Crowdhill, in the the NHS began. Ashurst Hospital in the New Forest was just one example of
mid-20th century. a workhouse which was converted into a hospital catering for elderly people
Hampshire Record Office: COPY/890/9 with chronic health problems.
Sheltered housing was mentioned positively by some of our interviewees.
Kate told us that her mother lived in a flat with a warden from the age of 77 to
95, and felt safe and happy there. The modern idea of sheltered housing came
in around the middle of the 20th century, and was similar to the almshouses

CHAPTER FIVE: HOME Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 70
which have offered supported housing since medieval times. St Cross Hospital
in Winchester, founded in the 12th century, is one of the earliest examples.
In the early 1960s, Aldershot Borough Council conducted a survey on the
needs of old people. More than 40 per cent of everyone aged 65 and over in
the town was interviewed by a social worker. One of the needs identified
was special housing for old people. The Aldershot inhabitants who talked
to the social worker mostly preferred the idea of “self-contained flatlets” to
a residential home. There were plans in place already: the report said: “It
is hoped the installation of an alarm bell system and the appointment of a
Warden to the old people’s bungalows in Campbell Close will be followed by
similar developments in other suitable groups of dwellings in the town.”
In Andover, the Borough Council’s files show how a public housing scheme
called Acre House was run in the early 1970s. Acre House included 44 one-
bedroom flats for “aged persons”, and a warden was responsible for visiting
each flat daily, answering when a resident rang the emergency bell, and
taking meals to sick residents. The flats were designed to meet the standards
recommended in the landmark Parker Morris report, published in 1961, which
set out minimum square footage and other standards for newsocial housing.

This postcard photograph of four Brothers of St Cross

Hospital, posted in 1910, was found among the papers of Mrs
B Carpenter Turner, former archivist to St Cross Hospital.
Hampshire Record Office: 111M94W/X2/35

CHAPTER FIVE: HOME Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 72
CHAPTER SIX Retirement and pensions are the central issues of this
chapter, but they were by no means the only things
we discussed on the subject of work and money. We

WORK
asked how important people thought money was
for a good old age, and took advantage of some of
our interviewees’ experience and hindsight to ask

AND
what advice they would give to a young person about
planning financially for later life.

MONEY

Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 74


TIME TO RETIRE
Questions about retirement received as many different responses as our
interviewees had had jobs. Some couldn’t wait to stop work and enjoy their
freedom; some kept working for many years after official retirement age, out
of choice; and some looked forward to retirement and then found it boring.
Several people who are now retired spoke fondly about the jobs they used to
do. Mary B carried on working as a nurse until she was 73, and relished the
responsibility it brought: “I loved it, and I loved the people that I looked after and
the nurses that I was responsible for, trying to help them and if I was going to boss
them and tell them off, I used to say ‘now before I tell you off I want you to know
why I’m doing it. Let’s try to get you to meet up at the better end’.”
It was difficult for some of our interviewees to adjust to the sheer amount of
free time after stopping work. For Rob, this was a problem in early retirement,
and he still sometimes needs encouragement to get things done. He explained:
“I was very conscious of the fact that I wasted an awful lot of time because I had
nothing specific to do. My voluntary job was great but because I had four days
to do stuff, it was either too wet, or too cold … or ‘oh I can’t be bothered, I’ll do it
tomorrow.’ … I’m much more inclined to do things when I’ve got not a lot of time
to do it because you’re pressurised in it. If I’ve got loads of time I faff around
really. … I joke about my wife … she’s working full time so she’s not here but I do
get my ‘performance review’. ‘What have you done today?’ Sometimes I pass and
sometimes I fail.”
CHAPTER SIX: WORK AND MONEY
“The stuff we
enjoy doing”
– Rob’s story
Rob (64) is making the most of his retirement, as many
others approaching pension age hope to. He works for Age
Concern Hampshire three days a week, and makes time for
the other things he loves doing, such as sport and travel. It’s
important to him to plan his finances to make sure he can
keep on enjoying life as much as he can.
R
ob’s father’s banking job took the family to India and Malaysia, and
Rob was “hatched abroad”, as he puts it, in Kanpur in India. He had a
fantastic childhood travelling with his parents and brothers. He was
sent to a boarding school in Scotland at the age of eight, but didn’t like it and
“kicked up a fuss” and so went back to live with his family until he was 13, when
he started boarding school in England. Rob loved rugby at school, as well as
cricket, hockey, and fives. His passion for sport has continued through his life,
and he’s still playing squash.
His parents were loving, but his father in particular had trouble showing
his emotions: “if I was playing rugby and he thought I was playing quite well he
wouldn’t tell me, he’d just say ‘well done’. But he’d go overboard telling his chums
which I then heard about.” Rob’s father died eight years ago, and he’s close to his
mother, who is now living with the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. They
speak daily, and Rob tries to support her and to encourage her to stay active.
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 76
 In his working life, Rob felt he never really found his calling. He worked in
estate agents, building societies and banks, and yet somehow, he says, “I got to
the end of my career wondering what I wanted to do.” He planned to retire at 60,
and was looking forward to it. He wanted to give something back to society
through volunteering, and also hoped to find some paid work to top up his
pension. About six months after he retired, aged 61, Rob started volunteering
at Age Concern Hampshire on the Information & Advice telephone line. A few
months later, he started paid work as an Information & Advice Coordinator.
He now works three days a week and enjoys the balance, as well as the feeling
that he can make a big difference to people through his work. He helps older
people to fill in their attendance allowance forms, for help with paying for
personal care, and is proud of the way he encourages his clients to drop their
British reluctance to complain and admit when they’re struggling.
At a wedding where Rob was best man, he met a bridesmaid called Lauren;
they fell in love, and married in 1979. Ever the practical type, he describes his
first impressions with a joke: “I remember thinking, ‘she’s the sort of girl I could
share my overdraft with’.” Rob is now 65, and Lauren is retiring this year, so
it’s time to plan the next phase of life together. It’s not just retirement that’s
prompted Rob to plan ahead. A year ago, a friend and former colleague died
suddenly in early retirement, just as he was making plans for the future with
his second wife. It sharpened Rob’s desire to enjoy his retirement. He and
Lauren plan to travel as much as they can – next year is Canada – and they also
both have responsibilities to their elderly parents, so it’s important they get
their financial plans in place. Part of that may be moving house to somewhere
less expensive. It’s important to plan, because as Rob says, “what we want to do
is the stuff we enjoy doing, for as long as we possibly can, and our plan is we’ve got
enough money to do that.”

Right: Rob, 64, at his home in Chawton. ©Zoe Waren

CHAPTER SIX: WORK AND MONEY Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 78
PENSIONS
– A QUICK HISTORY
• Before the twentieth century, if an old person didn’t have savings, an income, or
family help, they had to rely on charity or on the Poor Law like poor people of any
other age.
• The nineteenth century saw the growth of Friendly Societies, which insured
their members against sickness and death. The Hampshire and General Friendly
Society was particularly successful. By 1900, somewhere between a half and a
third of adult men in England and Wales belonged to a friendly society.
• In 1908, the government introduced Old Age Pensions. For the first time, people
had a right to benefits based on old age. The pension of 5 shillings per week
started at the age of 70, and was not payable to anyone who wasn’t a British
subject, had been in prison in the past 10 years, had been out of work for too long,
was a drunkard, or otherwise not ‘of good character’.
• The age at which the state pension becomes payable was lowered to 65 in
1925, and to 60 for women in 1940. It’s now rising again, and is set to be 66 for
everybody by 2020.
• The idea of retirement as a normal phase of life is new, and took hold gradually
over the twentieth century. By around the middle of the century, ‘Old Age
Pensioner’ was another way to say ‘old person’, and people expected to be able to
survive on the state pension alone.
• In 1931, fewer than half of men aged 65 and over in England and Wales were
retired. In 2011, in contrast, only 11 per cent of over-65s in Hampshire were still
working. The situation may change again in future as people carry on working
for longer. As of 2011, there is no longer a compulsory retirement age, and
employers can’t discriminate if an older employee chooses to keep working.
CHAPTER SIX: WORK AND MONEY
WORK TILL YOU DROP
Even before the recent abolition of the compulsory retirement age, not everyone
chose to stop working in old age. Mike’s grandfather died at 83 without having
retired from the family plumbing business – instead, as he became too frail for
heavy outdoor work, he moved into the office to do paperwork. Moving from
heavy to lighter work is something older people did for centuries before mass
retirement. It often meant a decline into low-paid drudgery. One woman told us
how her great-grandmother had washed the neighbours’ sheets. In an oral history
interview recorded in 1989, Lilian Woodford of Winchester remembered her
grandmother working in her 70s in the early twentieth century, sewing parasols
and umbrellas in the family’s umbrella shop.
ASKING FOR HELP
At Hampshire Record Office, we found a fascinating window into the lives of
older people struggling to make ends meet in the years before the First World
War. The files of St Cross Hospital in Winchester, which has offered a home to
people in need since the Middle Ages, also contain records of the ‘outpensions’
which the charity paid to people living outside the hospital.
In 1909, the administrators of the St Cross pensions sent out a letter to all
recipients to ask whether they had applied for the new State Pension. The
replies, some in shaky handwriting, are often moving. Some give telling
details of how people got by on very little. Sarah Chappell of Lower Froyle
said without the St Cross pension she would have been in the workhouse long
before, “for I could not pay rent and fireing [sic] and a little bit of food of 2s 6d
a week that is our parish relieve [sic]. I had to give up my bit of needlework, I
am not able to do it. I have been very poorly all this winter and not able to earn
anything or go out in the village street. I have a good neighbours that go to
shop and get in my water and fireing and does my bit of washing.”
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 80

This 1909 application form for a St Cross outpension is one of bundles of
similar forms, all snapshots of ordinary lives. In this, 86-year-old widow
Anne Rogers is described as “bedridden”, “quite helpless and blind”, and
a note asks for her case to be considered urgently as she “may die at any
moment”. She lived with her daughter, a laundress with eight children and
a husband who was mostly out of work, and all her savings and income are
listed on the form. St Cross also seem to have been interested in whether
their applicants were ‘respectable’ – a Lady Brandrith of Christchurch Road
is name-dropped as a reference.
Hampshire Record Office: 111M94W/K2/36/18
Mary Buckell of Southsea seemed confused about what a State Pension was.
She wrote: “My sister is an unmarried woman of nearly 82 years of age she has
no chance I think for any Government Pension as our Parents never held any
position under Government. I have made no application as regards the ‘Old Age
Pension’.”
The letters show that not everyone was pleased about the introduction of the
State Pension. Mr H Withers-Austin of Basingstoke said he had been turned
down for a State Pension because of the money he made from renting out part
CHAPTER SIX: WORK AND MONEY
of his house. He wrote: “I have gained nothing but humiliation as more people
know now how poor I am. I think they have made a mistake, but perhaps for the
present it is better for me to be free.” Others shared this feeling. Albert Dawes
of Southampton was incensed by the official who visited him to see if he was
eligible for a state pension. His letter, dated 7 January 1909, reads:
“Dr Sir,
I beg to thankfully acknowledge receipt of Certificate of Baptism also for your
kind expressions of sympathy. The St Cross pension has been a God send to us
more especially than ever now I am become so utterly Helpless. I and my poor
wife were very much upset at the extremely rude & impertinent manner of
the Pension Officer. He persisted in interrogating my poor wife who has been
run down by her attention to me ever since last [February]. And was in bed.
He asked questions quite outside the matter of my income. However reduced
people become they should not be down trodden. I am too unwell and my heart
too weak to bear any continuance of this, and am afraid it would tend to […]
shorten my days. But still I hope on relying on God’s Providence [which] has
preserved me so far. And remain Dr Sir your respectfully Albert Dawes.”
When we read Mr Dawes’ letter with a group in a day care centre, there were
nods of recognition from around the room. The questions on Anne Rogers’
application form reminded one man of his own recent means test, a process
which he described as humiliating.
SAVING AND SPENDING
We asked the older Age Fusion participants whether, with the benefit of their
longer life experience, they had any financial advice for younger people
looking ahead to old age. John said it was all common sense, and a part of life
at every age: “you’ve got to keep a check of what you’ve got, of what you’re doing, if
you’ve got a mortgage, […] you’ve got to think of how you pay for it […] We’ve all got
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 82
 "AT NEARLY 80, WITH
to do it. We’ve all got limited resources. If you make the best of what you’ve got, not
much point in anything else.”
Auriol pointed out that things are very different now from in her working
A SCATTERING OF
MEDICAL AND SURGICAL
life – her husband was the main earner, and any part-time work she did paid
for “perks” like holidays. But, she said, “kids today don’t have a chance to have
perks do they by the time they’ve paid all their debt and their mortgage off!” She
had some simple advice for financial caution: “Just try and go as far as you can
in your career to accumulate some sort of funds. It’s difficult, but just don’t be PROBLEMS, NONE
blinded by all the offers that are in the shops and all this ‘must-have’…”
Rob had a pension plan through work, and also saved extra money in his
thirties. His advice for younger people starting out at work was to think about
DISABLING, I FEEL
GLAD TO BE ALIVE – 'I'M
what they like to do, and what sort of life they would like in their retirement
– and how much it will cost. He also said starting saving early is key, and
recommended people start by putting a very small amount away, something
“that’s not going to make any difference to your lifestyle at all – just put something
away, just get into the habit of saving or putting it into a pension if you’re self- GLAD I'M NOT DEAD!'
employed. Because so many intelligent people get to retirement age and they’ve
made no provisions whatsoever, but … getting that habit in place and then adding
to it is a slightly easier thing than doing nothing.”
SOMETIMES BURSTS
OUT OF ME WHEN THE
Shirley had a very different attitude. If young people could expect a state
pension, she didn’t advise scrimping and saving. “All I’ve got to say to them is
enjoy life now when you’ve got it. And spend! Don’t save your money, spend!”

WEATHER IS PERFECT"

OLIVER SACKS

CHAPTER SIX: WORK AND MONEY Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 84
CHAPTER SEVEN When we asked our interviewees about relationships in
later life, we heard some touching stories. A marriage
that lasts into old age can be a wonderful thing, and

LOVE
the picture of a long, companionable marriage is held
up as an ideal. Of course, that picture doesn’t include
everyone. The people we spoke to had a variety of
perspectives on love and relationships: some were in
long and happy marriages, some were in their second
marriages, some were learning to live with the loss of
their spouse, and some talked about starting
new relationships.
None of the people we interviewed told us about
same-sex relationships or identified themselves as
lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Nationally, Age UK estimates
that around one in 15 of their service users are lesbian
or gay, a similar proportion to that of gay and lesbian
people in the overall population. This is presumably
also true of Age Concern Hampshire’s service users.

Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 86

 Left: Percy and Doris Chandler of Bishopstoke
had their golden wedding on 20th March
1976. By this time, newspapers were printing
cake-cutting photographs of anniversary
couples, and articles which included details
of their lives, careers, house moves and their
family, who came from around the world

HAPPILY EVER AFTER to attend the party. It also says they met in
Southampton “literally by the toss of a coin.
Mr Chandler was out walking with a friend,
The media loves a fairytale romance, and a golden wedding anniversary, and they tossed up as to where they should go.
celebrating 50 years of marriage, is a chance for the local paper to print a Mr Chandler won and chose St Mary’s Street.
heart-warming story. Hampshire newspapers have been featuring golden And it was there that he first saw his wife.”
wedding anniversaries for more than a hundred years. Here’s a selection:
– One of the earliest reports of a non-celebrity’s golden wedding
anniversary we found was that of Mr and Mrs Humby, in the Hampshire
Advertiser of 1891. The article lists their descendants proudly, but is vague
about Mr and Mrs Humby’s ages, just saying they are “about seventy-one years
of age”.

STAYING TOGETHER
Journalists these days like to ask golden wedding couples for their secrets for a
long, happy marriage. The Age Fusion interviewees who were asked the same
question seemed to agree that the main trick to staying married is simply not
leaving!
A group of female friends at the Basingstoke Community Café agreed that
relationships are much freer now:

“ – If you had a row, you used to go out, slam the door, walk round the block and
then think well what am I going to do now?! So you’d go back home again!
– I’ve done that. That’s it, I’m off! And back I go. Right: Bill and Violet Taplin celebrated on
– Whereas now I suppose they think ‘oh, I’ll go and pick somebody else up’. But we 24th October 1978. Though they had spent
didn’t do that, did we?” many years running a pub, Bill was a non-
drinker, so the headline here was “TEETOTAL
BILL DUCKED OUT OF WEDDING TOAST”.
John (88) made a wider point about the importance of sticking to your Both Bill and Percy were members of the
commitments. Asked for the secret of a long marriage, he said this: Eastleigh Grandfathers’ Club, who kept these
“Well there isn’t really a secret […] you’ve got to be true to what you’ve started, cuttings in their scrapbook.

CHAPTER SEVEN: LOVE Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 88

Darby and Joan
Darby and Joan were a
legendary couple who
were devoted to each
other in old age and
“I told you
it’s as simple as that isn’t it? […] If you commit a thousand
times”
yourself to something, well then you do it. But
there’s nothing worse than people who shilly-
shally between one thing and another. Start
this, give it up. I mean that works in all sorts of
situations and marriage is one of them isn’t it?
[…] Commitment is the thing in anything – if

– Karl and Peggy

who were written about
in poems, songs, plays
and novels. The Hartley
Wintney Darby and Joan
Club, founded in 1950,
was one of many old
people’s clubs around
the country begun during
and after the Second
World War and naming
themselves after this
you commit yourself to something, that’s it, you
should do it. And that’s one thing I think the Navy
taught you, well I won’t say taught you, but what
you got to know was that if there were people that
you had to rely on and other people that relied on
you well then you had to be there…” – John (88) Karl Chorowsky has a lot of stories to tell, and the love story
of his long marriage to Peggy is at the centre of them.
LOVE REUNITED

famous pair.
Several stories have been preserved in
Hampshire Record Office of old flames
reuniting in old age. Something about the idea of someone holding on to the
memory of their young love for decades reminds us that inside every old person
is the person they’ve always been.
The story of Albert (78) and Elsie (68) was kept as a newspaper cutting in the
files of Albert’s social club, the Eastleigh Grandfathers’ Club. The lovers were
engaged when they were young, but split up before they got married, and Albert
left the area. Both he and Elsie went on to marry other people. But when Albert
came back to Eastleigh after decades away, he decided to look for his old flame
Elsie. He found that she was now a widow and, as the local newspaper put it,
“neither had forgotten the old ties”. They got married in Eastleigh in 1981, nearly
47 years after they broke up, and with their grandchildren as guests.
K
arl’s journey to Hampshire is an adventure story in itself. Born in a
mining town in Germany, he was 14 when the war started. After two
years of being made to work as a miner, he was called up into the army
and fought in the Middle East, in Hungary, Yugoslavia and Greece. Karl was
given a medal for taking out a machine gun, and survived a shot to the head
which put a large dent in his helmet – his take on this is “I’ve always been lucky!”
At the end of the war, Karl’s unit was caught between the Russian and American
armies. They ran from the Russians, ditching their papers and uniform jackets
as they went in case they were caught, and gave themselves up to the Americans.
Karl was held prisoner in Belgium, then told he would be released and put on
a train to Germany. The train even passed through his home town, but Karl
didn’t try to jump off, expecting to be freed soon. Instead, Karl and his comrades
were sent straight back to Belgium, and taken from there by boat to Scotland.

CHAPTER SEVEN: LOVE Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 90
Right: Karl, 90, at his home in Hythe, Southampton. ©Zoe Waren
Below: Karl (front row, left) as a miner near his home town of
Brotterode, Germany in the early 1940s.

A week later, he and his

fellow prisoners were taken
to Brockenhurst in the New
Forest, where they were made
to work on the land. They were
among around 400,000 German
soldiers used as forced labour
by the Allied nations in the
years after World War II, as
repayment for Germany’s
war guilt.
On a farm in Exbury, a chance encounter changed Karl’s life. As he tells it:
“they took us down there by lorry and we had to go potato picking – that’s how
I saw my wife. She was working opposite me, picking up potatoes and putting
them in sacks. And of course I see her struggle, I went over and I helped her –
and I couldn’t speak English, she couldn’t speak German, but we looked at each
other and we liked each other”. The English girl’s name was Peggy, and with the
help of Karl’s friend who translated a letter from him, they arranged to meet.
Karl would sneak out of the camp to see Peggy, and over time he got to know
her family, swapping food he could get (fruitcake) for food they could get
(kippers). Eventually, Karl got up the courage to ask Peggy’s dad for her hand,
and they were married at Lymington Registry Office. There was no money, so
her ring was borrowed, and they ate sardines for their wedding breakfast. The
next day, Karl had to go back to the camp.
Life improved steadily for Peggy and Karl. They had a daughter, and Karl
got a job at Esso. By the time he was 60, he was able to retire comfortably.
Peggy loved painting, and the two of them would take their painting kit to the
mountains of Germany and Austria on holiday. Soon, though, Peggy developed
arthritis, and needed care. Karl looked after her at home, but as her condition
got worse she had to go into hospital, and later into a home, where she died.

CHAPTER SEVEN: LOVE Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 92
 CHANGES AND CHALLENGES
Some of our interviewees told us about how their relationships had adapted
to the changes of later life, including retirement, ill health and changes in
sexual desire.
Above: Karl and Peggy in retirement. One woman in her 60s told us that among her friends, the old men still
Left: Karl and Peggy in the 1940s. wanted to be sexually active, while the women just wanted to be left alone.
A male interviewee in his 80s talked about the physical changes that had
happened in his marriage. The couple had stopped having sex in recent years,
but were still very close. As he put it, “there’s
no love-making like there was years ago … that’s
all changed, but it’s not changed for anything The End of Sex?
worse. But it’s different.” In the same way that
In his book You’re Looking Very Well: The no-one likes to think
Surprising Nature of Getting Old, biologist about their parents’
Dr Lewis Wolpert explains the physical sex lives, many young
side of sex and ageing. Around 1 in 3 men people would rather
over 70 experience erectile dysfunction and imagine older adults’
Karl’s savings had been eaten up by Peggy’s care, so he moved into their impotence, Wolpert says, often because of relationships as sexless.
daughter’s house, where Peggy’s ashes sit in an urn in his bedroom. Karl illnesses like heart disease and diabetes, or Some people do find
remembers his wife arguing with him during her illness, saying “‘get yourself because of the medicines used to treat them. their sexual desire,
another woman.’ I said ‘you must be joking,’ I said ‘look, I told you a thousand In women, a decrease in oestrogen levels as well as capacity,
diminishes as they
times how much I loved you and that I do, and I still do.’ And I still tell her every after the menopause “can result in decreased
get older. The Roman
morning, every night before I go to bed. I go to her ashes and I rub my hands, they vaginal lubrication.” Physical changes in sex
philosopher Cicero
feel cold, and I say ‘I’ll warm you up… and I give her a kiss’”. One night not long organs for both sexes can make sex difficult or
thought this end of lust
ago, Karl says, Peggy visited him. She appeared, sitting on his bed and looking painful, or at least require a new approach.
was a good thing, as it
at him. She didn’t speak, and Karl found he couldn’t speak either, or reach out The psychologist Marie de Hennezel, author left older people free
to touch her, before she disappeared. He had been hoping to see her again. of The Warmth of Your Heart Prevents Your to think about higher
Body From Rusting has an optimistic view that matters, like philosophy
sexuality in old age is less ego-driven than it or politics.
is for the young. She said in an interview with

CHAPTER SEVEN: LOVE Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 94
Age UK: “Sex when you are older is more about the quality of the relationship,
about tenderness and trust, and less about your self image. Tenderness replaces
the desire to seduce or be seduced.”
Of course, there’s more to life than sex. All sorts of changes in later life can
affect a relationship. Among the Age Fusion interviewees, women in particular

MARRIED AT 82
talked about problems with their husbands cramping their style in retirement. Jill
explained the difficulties she had: “I like to be independent. Because when I retired,
Bill my husband was still at home and of course I used to do what I wanted to do. He
gets a bit cross because he says I wouldn’t do that if I were you, and I say but I want to This wedding photo was found on a postcard in Hampshire Record Office.
do it. … you didn’t know what I did half the time, you were at work…” Taken in 1911, it shows the newlyweds Mr and Mrs Thompson of Droxford.
When one partner’s physical or mental health deteriorates, it can be hard on The Hampshire Chronicle’s report of the event makes it clear that the
both sides. Doreen P, who is blind herself, told us how difficult she found it to wedding of a couple in their 70s and 80s was unusual enough to draw a crowd.
deal with her husband’s denial over his dementia. As well as refusing to discuss Perhaps there’s a hint of mockery in the postcard’s caption: ‘The “Young”
his condition with doctors and even with Married Couple Leaving The Church’. Perhaps some of the cheering crowd
his wife, she told us, he wouldn’t admit it to found it funny that such old people would choose to get married – or perhaps
himself. Doreen finds herself in impossible it was just a happy occasion.
situations: “now he’s been stopped from
driving, oh you don’t know what a nightmare
it is. If I try to organise some transport to the
hospital ‘oh I can get there on my own, I don’t
need anyone to take me.’ God knows where he’d
end up if he went on his own. I think I could
cope with anything that happened to me but
I can’t cope with him. And I know if he gets
really bad they’ll take him into hospital. I don’t want that.”
Mike told us about how his own ill health had affected his marriage after he
had a stroke. Asked the secret of a long marriage, he said: “it’s just give and take.
More give than take. Well, with me and my state of health it’s all take now.” He finds it
hard to be so reliant on his wife. But after his stroke, Mike’s wife Sylvia said she’d
married for better or for worse, and in sickness and in health, and she would be
sticking to her vows.

Above: Padwell Road Cushion

Pictures like this are great for starting conversations. What are all the
Opposite page: Postcard of the marriage of Mr and Mrs Thompson aged 71 people in the picture thinking? How do you think the couple met? How
and 82, Droxford. Stan Woodford photographic collection, Wickham. long do you give the marriage? Will they live happily ever after?
Hampshire Record Office: 63A04/B1/9/71

CHAPTER SEVEN: LOVE Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 96
 Along with our ever-growing life expectancy, which gives us more years
of opportunity for keeping a relationship going, living alone, or finding
new love, British society has transformed in its attitudes to sex and
relationships in the past 100 years. As laws have changed and the shape
of families has altered, opinions have changed too. Society has become
more tolerant of different patterns of relationships, including divorce,
remarriage, cohabitation, and same-sex relationships – all things which
were considered shameful or even illegal within the living memory of
an 80-year-old. According to the 2011 census, the number of divorcees
in Hampshire aged 65 and over rose from 12,570 in 2001 to 21,640 in
2011, and the proportion of 65-plus couples who were living together but
unmarried almost doubled in the same period.
FINDING NEW LOVE
After their spouse dies, people often have strong reasons not to look for
another relationship, even if others would like them to. Shirley (now 80) lost
her beloved husband when they were both in their late 40s. She told us she
hadn’t wanted another man since: “He was a lovely father and a lovely husband,
couldn’t wish for better. That’s why I never wanted to find anybody else, because
I was lucky to get him, and I thought I could never be lucky a second time.” Other
bereaved spouses choose to stay single out of loyalty to their loved one. They
may not want to risk losing a new partner; some may find it hard to get out
and meet people, or simply value their independence and not want to adapt
to life with someone new. Angela (65) is married to her second husband. If she
lost him now, she said, “would I look for love again? No, I don’t think so. I think
I’d be happy with who I am, where I am and with the companionship of other
people if I had it, but I don’t think I’d want another one really. Two husbands is
enough for anyone!”
Opposite page top: Mandy’s mum Betty as
Mandy remembers her when she was well.
Opposite page bottom: Mandy with her mum
Betty, after the dementia diagnosis.
CHAPTER SEVEN: LOVE
ROMANCE AND DEMENTIA
No-one wants to take responsibility for their
parents’ love or sex life. When an elderly relative
develops dementia, their love life can become
one of the things families have to make difficult
decisions about. Mandy and her siblings faced
a dilemma when their mother, Betty, began a
relationship with a volunteer at the day care centre
she attended. Because her mother’s dementia had
left her unable to make decisions on her own about
many parts of her life, Mandy spoke to the centre
manager about the relationship. They felt that it
was a positive one. Most importantly, her mother
“seemed very, very happy”. When the man wanted
to marry Betty, her family discouraged it, thinking
ahead to a time when she would need full time care.
The couple did live together, however, and Mandy
and her siblings had to learn to live with the way
her new partner cared for her, dressing her in a
style they didn’t think she would have chosen, and
on occasion ‘losing’ her on trips out. In the end,
Betty’s needs progressed until “the best option
was a care home”, and after 14 years of living with
dementia, she died.
Mandy admitted it was very hard to know what
the right thing to do was in this situation. But she took comfort in knowing
that her mother enjoyed her life even towards the end, saying: “She was always
happy and she was always smiling and one of the things that we said at her funeral
was, she forgot everything but she didn’t forget how to smile. So yes, she was happy
in her dementia.”
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 98
CHAPTER EIGHT Over the course of their lives, our interviewees have
taken on many family roles, as children, siblings, half-
siblings, husbands and wives, parents, grandparents,

FAMILY
and children of ageing parents. We asked whether
our interviewees thought families were more or less
close today than in the past, and whether their own
experiences backed up their opinions. As well as close
and supportive families, people told us about families
that were fractured, distant or troubled – proving that
the history of family life is as complex as any individual
family’s relationships.

Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 100

FAMILIES IN DECLINE?
Several of our interviewees were volunteers for Age Concern Hampshire, fairly far flung. It’s not uncommon
still in the active phase of younger retirement. Their current or recent to hear ‘oh, I’ve got a daughter in
experiences with older relatives, as well as their perspective as volunteers, Australia,’ or ‘oh my son’s in Jamaica.’” The Good Old Days
Historian Pat Thane has studied
meant several of them had thought deeply about how families look after their On the other hand, travel and
and written about the history of
elderly members. communications are easier now
old age in Britain. She doesn’t
“I think my grandparents’ generation probably had it better in old age than than ever before, so families can
agree that older people are
this generation,” Angela mused in her interview. “Because their families stay close without living near each more likely to be neglected by
looked after them and they always felt connected to that core family, rather than other. Rob’s mother lives alone in the their families now: there have
almost cast adrift in old age to be looked after or cared for by anyone who would Cotswolds, close to one of her sons always been people who had to
do the job … We’ve seen advances for older people, but I think the advances are but further from the others, who depend on charity or welfare
outweighed by that lack of true family care that my grandparents’ generation are in Hampshire and Brighton. Rob in old age. Professor Thane
used to have.” speaks to his mother every day, and also points out that “about one
Angela wasn’t alone in thinking that families today are less close than they visits at least every three weeks. third of people in pre-industrial
used to be, and less likely to look after their older relatives. Day care centre England had no surviving
manager Maria is strongly influenced by her Portuguese background, so her children when they reached old
family is her first duty and priority, and she acknowledged that times are age”, and that long before the
changing: “you are putting … your loved one in a home now because life is that twentieth century, young people
often moved around Britain and
way, because you have to work. Your wife has to work. Your daughter has to work
abroad for work, away from
so there’s no-one to look after her”. Kate also talked about one of the practical
their parents.
pressures that has driven families apart: “I think that families tended to be
bigger. They tended to be geographically more cohesive. I think families now are

CHAPTER EIGHT: FAMILY Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 102
“Granny
one-leg”
- Shirley's story
Shirley’s early family life wasn’t ideal, but she has made
a very different family for herself now. As a child, Shirley
lived with her mother and stepfather – her father had
walked out when she was six months old.

S
he was fond of her stepfather and remembers him playing with her
when she was little. But when she was five, Shirley’s world was turned
upside down by the birth of her half-sister Christine. From then on,
she recalls, her stepfather “didn’t seem to play with me any more and I wanted
to know why and my mum said it was because ‘he’s not your dad’.” Shirley was
expected to do all the housework, while Christine never had to do anything.
A big fuss was made of Christine’s golden hair. “She had long curly hair and I
longed to cut that hair off and I did get it done in the finish because I caught head
lice! That was the best day of my life and that’s without a lie. Because she made my
life a misery, she really did.”
Shirley started working when she was 10; every day before school she would
do a paper round at 6:30, then do the shopping for her mother and take it

Right: Shirley, 81, at home in Leigh Park, Portsmouth. ©Luke Didymus

CHAPTER EIGHT: FAMILY Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 104

home, and then walk to school because she’d had to spend her bus fare on
buying breakfast. As a teenager just after the war, Shirley started working in
shops and later in factories. She met her future husband, Malc, in a cafe with
friends when she was 19, though she had to keep it a secret from her mum.
Shirley and Malc married in 1957 and went on to have four children. She says
she was lucky to get a husband as good as Malc: “We were all happy. He lived
and died for his kids. I think he thought more of the kids than me to a certain
extent but I didn’t mind that because he loved them, and he’d be on the floor
with them and playing with them”. Tragically, Malc died suddenly of a brain
haemorrhage when he was 48 and Shirley 49. His death was hard on the whole
family, and Shirley struggled with her children’s grief as well as her own.
Despite her unhappy childhood, Shirley kept in touch with her mum, and
found she made a much better grandmother than she had been a mother. With
her own children, Shirley was happy to be soft: she was determined not to
bring her daughter up to be “the drudge”. When her own grandchildren were
born, Shirley was adamant she wouldn’t be “a glorified babysitter”, feeling
that she’d done her time. Nevertheless, she is an adoring grandmother. Since
Shirley had to have her leg amputated as a result of blocked arteries, her great-
granddaughter Ava calls her ‘Granny One-Leg’, and Shirley doesn’t mind.
CHAPTER EIGHT: FAMILY
CLOSE-KNIT
Even though the commonly held view is that families are less close today, we
met many people who were living with or near their families, with old, young,
and middle-aged helping each other out. Winnie has lived in Alton since she
was a little girl, and stayed close to her parents in their old age. Now, her son
and his family live with her. Modern life has taken her eldest daughter to live
in Australia, but they speak often. Winnie said, “I have a lovely family. I’m very,
very lucky. I wish everybody could say that.”
The support which families offer each other takes many forms, and can go
both up and down the generations. Jill acknowledged that it’s hard for her
daughter, who works and has responsibilities to her children as well as to Jill.
“She comes over and she feeds me; I mean she’s busy. And I know what it’s like
trying to divide yourself down the middle. You’ve got such a lot to do”.
Other interviewees told us about the childcare they provide for the younger
generations. For Doreen P, it’s a repeating pattern: her own mother looked
after Doreen’s daughter in the early years so she could work, and in turn
Doreen did the same for her granddaughters. Angela (65) also told us about
her busy schedule of childcare: “My own life is that I look after my grandchildren
three afternoons a week when they come out of school so today its Monday, I shall
see Harry and Eloise. Tomorrow I shall see Lulu and Didi, on Thursday I shall see
Josh after school, so I have three days of looking after children and school holidays
also involve a lot more child care. … But it’s an absolute privilege and it brings
back the happiest days in my life. Grandchildren are the best thing ever”.
The special relationship between grandparents and grandchildren came up
in many Age Fusion interviews. Doreen P remembered her father’s delight
when her daughter was born.
“He kept saying to me when I was pregnant, ‘have a little girl Dor, I do want a
little granddaughter’,” she laughed. “Well – ‘I’ve got no control over it!’ – ‘Oh I’d
love a granddaughter’ he said. And he got a granddaughter […] At that time […] he
was a conductor on the buses; I bet everybody on the Corporation buses knew that
he had a granddaughter, he was so pleased about it. And he spoilt her rotten.”
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 106
“It's what
I'm here for”
- Sue's story
Assistant centre manager Sue is only in her early 50s,
but she’s already a grandmother. She also works as the
assistant manager of an Age Concern Hampshire day care
centre, so she has plenty of experiences of old age and
families to share.

S
ue says she comes from “a family of growers”. Her father ran the family
business growing strawberries, lettuce and tomatoes in Warsash. The
nurseries were at the centre of Sue’s childhood – while she was still at
school, she remembers picking tomatoes, loading them on to the trailer, and
putting paper covers on the weighed-out trays ready for market. Sue’s Nan
lived in a bungalow next door, and often did babysitting while Sue’s parents
were out or working. The family were close, but life was more about work than
fun: “I can’t remember sitting down and playing with my Nan, there was always

Right: Sue, 52, with mother Mavis, daughter-in-law Louise, and grandchildren
Ronny and Lula Bell. ©Zoe Waren

CHAPTER EIGHT: FAMILY Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 108

chores to do.” It left Sue with a strong work ethic. At 17, she moved out to start
work as a live-in nanny; she’s always enjoyed caring for people.
Sue and her husband have two sons: Matthew, born in 1986, and Ian, born in
1989. Both babies slotted into life when Sue started working for the family
business again. “We used to put Matthew to sleep in the garden in a Silver Cross
pram with the canopy over,” Sue remembers, “and I had a golden retriever and
this golden retriever would sleep by his side. And when he woke up she would come
running up and down the tomato lines and the women would say ‘Matthew’s
awake because Tessa Bear’s looking!’ Hey ho, he was rocking the pram and we
brought him in and he would sit on the tomato lines in his pram with his toys”.
Sue’s older sister had her sons at the same time and they shared childcare, often
taking it in turns to have all the boys to stay for the night.
CHAPTER EIGHT: FAMILY
Left: Sue with grandson, Ronny. ©Zoe Waren
The family has stayed close in the same area, making it possible to care
for the older members: Sue says: “I’ve nursed my mum’s sister with her, Aunty
Min, and we got her to 92 and we’ve just lost mum’s close sister, Aunty Ada and
we got her to 92”. Sue also looked after her own mother after she had a hip
replacement, going in before and after work to get her dressed and
make dinner.
Sue enjoyed watching “the softening effect” which becoming grandparents
had on both her parents, but when her own son announced he was going to be
a father, she wasn’t pleased about the timing. “When I was told I was going to be
a grandparent before the age of 50 I was absolutely horrified, never ready for it,
never ready for it, didn’t want it,” she says. But when her grandson Ronnie was
born, “Matthew put Ronnie in my arms and to this day I can still feel the emotion,
the love I have for that child in my arms I just don’t want to let it go.” Having
grandchildren, Sue says, is the pinnacle of her life. It’s brought out her playful
inner child.
“Saturday night when I was swinging them between my legs and then going
round giddy, giddy, giddying, you know just running round in total circles with a
child under each arm getting giddy and being told to ‘behave myself Mum, you do
realise what you’re doing?’ Don’t care! I’m enjoying my grandchildren and that’s
what I’m here for, and I want them to feel ‘that’s my Nan and I had fun with her’.”
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 110

GRANDPARENTS
Most of our interviewees remembered at least one of their own grandparents,
often with a child’s eye view.
“My granddad he had a big white beard and when he died […] she put the beard
over the sheet and we all had a kiss of the boy!” – Gladys (90)
“[My grandmother] couldn’t speak much English and I couldn’t speak much
French […] she always had a huge saucepan of black coffee ready to ladle out; it’s a
French habit actually and she used to give me a coffee. […] She had beautiful warm
rosy cheeks, grey hair with a bun on top.” – Gordon (92)
“The main thing I remember about her is that her knickers were always falling
down and so you could see her knickers dangling beneath her dress!”
– Angela (65)
“[Grandma] was sort of roly poly and [had long] black hair which was going grey,
it must have been down nearly to her waist and she always wore it up in a bun.
So she had a little bun on top of her head, a little round face, a little round head, a
little round body, […] and little legs and arms” – Kate (73)
“My grandmother was always dressed in black. I think that’s probably why I have
a thing about black now, I’ll never wear it. […] They all seemed to in those days,
didn’t they?” – Doreen P (83)
“My memory is they were in their 50s and they were sort of – old. And even now
when I look back at their photographs, Granny […] was a very smart lady with
CHAPTER EIGHT: FAMILY
a sort of tweed suit and Grandad was always equally smart with a tie during
the day, but they behaved ‘old’ and not at all like how a 50-year-old grandparent
would be [now]” – Rob (64)
“Well [Grandfather] was a stout man, had a moustache as well I know that.”
– Mike (76)
“My gran was lovely. […] She had long white hair and we used to play
hairdressers… she used to let us do her hair, ‘what would you like done today
madam?’ […] She was great fun, she had a lovely sense of humour my gran.”
– Jill (78)
“I don’t know if you’ve ever seen photographs of a Latin lady you know with her
hair in a bun and long sleeves. My uncle had passed away so she was dressed all
in black because that’s what they used to do. Now it’s changing but if you had a son
or a husband or wife you would always be in black until the day you died.”
– Maria (58), talking about her great-grandmother
“[Nan] was a large lady and I remember rather round as well, but short. She had
grey curly hair, she was a nan, she was what you expect, to me to see a nan and
she would always have a pinny on […] she always had her work gear on, she never
dressed up smart, it was always casual clothes with her. Yes really round ‘buxom
lass’ sort of lady. Friendly face, friendly face but very stern, very strict because she
had five children.” – Sue (52)
“[My grandmother had] been brought up strict and she was strict with certain
things. […] Which, I don’t blame her. Her mother had brought her mother up like
that and she’d be the same wouldn’t she, naturally? They were all lovely people […]
I wish a lot of people I’ve known could have been as lucky as me.” – Peter (73)
“My grandmother, she was alright, but when I think of it now she must have been
still only in her late 60s and yet she sat in the chair most of the time, except when
she went to one of her old cronies and they would stagger along to the shop in
Charlotte Street or somewhere, but otherwise… If it was today, a late 60-year-old
woman wouldn’t be living like that; they would be out wouldn’t they?” – John (88)
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 112
“The years go
so quick”
- Doreen P's Story
Doreen now lives with her daughter, and has always been
part of a close family who help each other out. “We had a
whale of a time in the woods and places all round about,”
says Doreen, recalling her happy childhood in rural
North Baddesley.

H
er parents had moved there from Portsmouth, and ran the village shop,
and Doreen and her older brother Norman enjoyed growing up in the
countryside. Blackberries still remind Doreen of her grandmother,
who loved them, and remembers picking them from the hedgerows for her
grandmother to make into jam.
When the war started, seven-year-old Doreen soon found her little village
school had filled up with evacuees, and had to move to a shared half-day
timetable. The children thought this was “jolly good fun”, and even enjoyed

Right: Doreen, 83, making an Olympic torch at The Limes Day Care Centre back in 2012.

CHAPTER EIGHT: FAMILY Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 114
going to the air raid shelter if it meant cocoa and cake at midnight. Towards daughter, Janice. Doreen carried on working, and her mother looked after
the end of the war, Doreen and her brother made friends with some American Janice until she went to school – a pattern which Doreen repeated in turn for
soldiers who were camped in the woods, and would give sweets to the children. Janice’s daughters later on.
One day, they went to visit the soldiers and found the woods empty – all the Doreen says it was “great fun” looking after her granddaughters. “We had
tanks, tents and lorries had vanished overnight. Their new friends had been a lovely time. And they’ll even say to me now, ‘Nanny, do you remember when
part of the D-Day invasion force. we did so-and-so?’ – ‘Nanny, do you remember when we used to go down to
For the wider family, especially on her mother’s side, the war was the beach hut?’” She used to take them swimming in the sea, something her
devastating. One of her uncles was buried alive in rubble while fire-watching own grandparents never did with her even though they lived by the beach.
during an air raid on Portsmouth. After 24 hours he was rescued, but he died Doreen’s granddaughters have been caring and helpful since she lost her sight
in hospital. Another uncle was killed in action in Italy the following year. and moved in with them, and she’s happy to do what she can for them still: she
Their parents, Doreen’s grandparents, were bombed out of their homes twice has knitted two bedspreads for the girls to take to university with them when
and didn’t live to see the end of the war. they go.
Her other grandmother lived to be 99, and Doreen thinks she had a good
old age. She stayed active for a long time until her short final illness, and as
Doreen says, “she enjoyed her children and her grandchildren, and even her
great grandchildren, […] she saw quite a lot of her family grow and make good”.
She was an indulgent grandmother – Doreen says: “we could do what we liked
when she was around, nothing was wrong”. Doreen finds it hard to remember
exactly when her parents died, as she says “the years go so quick”.
After the war, Doreen’s family moved back to Portsmouth. At 14, Doreen
left school and started work at Knight and Lee’s department store, where she
worked happily for 30 years. She married Tony in 1954, and they had one

CHAPTER EIGHT: FAMILY Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 116
 CHAPTER NINE

FRIENDSHIP Close human connections are vital for health and

wellbeing at all ages, and loneliness has been
identified as a real health risk among older people.
We discussed the importance of both having and
being good friends in our interviews, whether those
friendships were new or decades long.

Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 118

SOMEBODY TO CHATTER TO
Social isolation is one of the biggest problems leading people to contact Age
Concern Hampshire for help. Our interviewees told us how valuable they
found friendship and good company, and also about the challenges of making
new friends and some of the ways they forge friendships.
Mary L, our oldest interviewee, considered the importance of being a friend
as well as having friends. It’s an important insight: we all need to feel needed.
Of an old friend with Alzheimer’s disease, Mary said “she’s in hospital but I
write to her because they say she’s able to sort of keep going and she can remember
me, so that’s nice. So I write to her in hospital. She’ll be moving soon to a home so
I’ll try and keep that up, though I can’t write, that’s my trouble now, my fingers
don’t work. Still just scribbling, it’ll be something.” Mary was sad to have lost so
many of her friends – as she said, “they’ve all died on me” – and found it harder
to make new friends without her talkative husband Tubby.
Living alone doesn’t necessarily make someone lonely, but when someone’s
partner dies or a disability keeps them at home, they can easily become
isolated. Auriol lives alone since her husband David died. She has a lively
mind, a positive attitude and a family she is proud of, but she also has a facial
disfigurement which makes her self-conscious in public. She said company
would help: “I do appreciate somebody being with me […] what I would really like
is somebody to chatter to, have a cup of tea with, go out to a garden centre…”
CHAPTER NINE: FRIENDSHIP
"I got on the bus […] and went down to
Morrisons, walked round Morrisons,
bought a couple of dinners, and came
home again. That was it."
Auriol told us how important it is to her that she leaves the house every
day. She’s chosen not to have her daily newspaper delivered, and walks to
the newsagent to get it instead. Some of her outings are unsatisfying. She
described her trip out on the previous Sunday: “it was pouring rain, I got my
hat and coat on, I got on the bus […] and went down to Morrisons, walked round
Morrisons, bought a couple of dinners, and came home again. That was it.” She
considered having lunch in the cafe, but finds eating difficult and didn’t want
to upset anyone who might see her. She would enjoy company but making
new friends can be tricky, Auriol said, as she worries “If I go towards someone
and try and make a friend do they think I am trying to latch on to them? If on the
reverse side of it I don’t do anything about it, [they might think] ‘oh well she’s stuck
up, she doesn’t want to know’.”
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 120
“Why get
upset?”
- Auriol's story
Auriol lives alone in Fareham in the house which she
and her husband bought new in 1956, and where they
brought up two children. She’s great company, lively and
interested in the world, but still feels the lack of friends
in her life at times.

A
s Auriol started talking about her life, several strong memories came
back to her. As a young girl in Beverley in Yorkshire, she remembers
being given a round biscuit with icing on it as a prize at school, and
tucking it carefully into her handkerchief to save for her mum; and riding
home from school on her dad’s bike. She stays in touch with close friends from
her youth, including Joan, who she’s known since she was three years old, and
several of the ‘Brown’s Girls’ she worked with as an apprentice dressmaker.
Auriol’s training as a haute couture dressmaker has been useful throughout
her life. She made her own wedding dress, made clothes for her children, still
sews at the age of 89, and dresses stylishly.

Right: Auriol, 89, at her home in Fareham. ©Zoe Waren

CHAPTER NINE: FRIENDSHIP Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 122
 Auriol’s 53-year marriage to David was a very happy one. Their courtship
included dancing at the Regal in Hull on a Saturday night. David worked in
communications in the army, and shortly after they married in 1953 he was
posted to Vienna, where the couple lived near the famous Schönbrunn Palace.
He was later posted to France and to Malta, where their first child, Amanda,
was born. The prospect of a posting in Cyprus, then a trouble spot, prompted
David to leave the army for a more stable life for his family near his home
town of Portsmouth. Through the ups and downs of parenthood and different
jobs, Auriol describes David as “a wonderful man”, and his sudden death was Auriol enjoyed talking to the Age Fusion interviewer about her life, and
a huge loss to her. She has a loving family of whom she is very proud, and old telling stories of her safaris in Africa and spontaneous trips to Europe. As she
friends around the country, but since David’s death Auriol does suffer from says, “if you’ve had a very good life and enjoyed it… why get upset if it’s no longer
loneliness. Her facial disfigurement makes her shy on her own in public, and as you would wish? You think back on all the super-duper times you’ve had and
she says she would appreciate company for conversation and trips out. that makes up for sitting [staring] at four walls.”

Above: Auriol and David on their wedding day. The best man, Jack (far left) and the maid of
honour, Joan (third from right) later married each other and the two couples continued their
friendship throughout their lives.
Right: Jack, Joan, Auriol and David enjoying a day out together in the early 2000s.

CHAPTER NINE: FRIENDSHIP Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 124
A FAMILY OF FRIENDS
Most of the Age Fusion interviews and activities took place in day care centres,
so our interviewees naturally talked about the friends they had made there.
Day care centres aren’t right for everyone, but for those who enjoy them, they
can be great social centres, with opportunities not just for company but also
for real friendship. Mike said of Padwell Road Day Care Centre, which he has
attended for over a decade: “I’ve made loads of friends here but the only snag is
that as they get older, they die.” He told us about several of the characters he has
got to know at the centre, including Grace who he said “took me under her wing
the day I arrived”. Sue, the assistant manager of Lockswood Day Care Centre,
said that she feels very strongly that “nobody should be alone in this world”. For
people who come to the day care centre having lost their loved ones, or simply
coming to the centre without them, Sue said the centre offers “a family unit,
a family of friends”. Mandy, the manager, said she wants it to feel like “a club
rather than a day centre”.
Mary B, who attends a different day care centre, only went at first to please
her cousin, who suggested it. But she said she found “I liked it so much, and
I enjoyed being a part of it and doing things and talking to other people, and
knowing that if I had a problem or worry I could talk to somebody. It was a great
relief inside”. Karl, in the same centre and originally from Germany, told us
how he enjoys sharing one of his lifelong passions with his friends at the
day care centre when he brings his accordion in to play. “I gets here, I puts the
accordion on and they are all waiting for me to play,” he said, “and I just start
playing whatever comes in my head and then I can carry on for an hour, playing
and playing. It amazes me, all the old songs what I used to know […] and I get them
in my head and I play them. And all the people here they know all the tunes – the
English tunes, most of them are the same melodies as the German ones”.
CHAPTER NINE: FRIENDSHIP
A GENUINE FRIEND
For some of our interviewees, difficult times brought with them new or
changed friendships. Doreen P, who lost her sight suddenly, told us that “when
you’ve got a big crisis like I’ve had, that’s when you find out who your friends
are. People who you think are friends, they sadly fall by the wayside, whereas a
genuine friend is someone who will do anything and not want a lot of questions
about doing it.”
Angela found a silver lining to a period of ill health which made her feel
disconnected from the world. She made friends online with others with
the same rare illness, and found their shared experience created a real
bond between them. Some of them even met up in person. Angela believes
computers can be invaluable for people who may feel isolated – in her case,
when face-to-face communication became difficult, Angela said “where I had
to cut myself off from my small world I actually gained a much bigger world and
I still keep in touch with that group of people even though I’m cured now. And so
I’ve got friendships that I wouldn’t otherwise have had.”
OLD NEIGHBOURS
In the years after the Second World War, the Red Cross set up many
welfare and social clubs for older people. An audio recording in
Hampshire Record Office on the Red Cross in Hampshire, made in the
1960s or ’70s, includes recordings from a visit to Northam Old People’s
Club in Southampton. The narrator explained how the changes in the city,
and in society, had disrupted friendships, and how the club could help:
“Our Old Peoples Club in Northam […] has been a great success over the
years as this part of the city has suffered through demolition. Many of
the members are now scattered to different parts of the city. It is a joy for
them to return to Northam on Mondays and meet their old neighbours.”
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 126
THE EASTLEIGH
GRANDFATHER'S CLUB
The ‘Memory Book’ of the Eastleigh Grandfathers’ Club, preserved in
Hampshire Record Office, tells the story of a social club which ran for more
than 60 years. A note at the beginning of the scrapbook says the club was
“started in 1940 by members of the Young Baptist Fellowship who were
concerned for elderly men who spent every day sitting in the small pavilion
on the Recreation Ground, Leigh Road. The building was widely known as
‘Number 10 Downing Street’ because the world was put to rights there!”
A report by the Eastleigh Weekly News from March 1940 printed the words
of the Grandfathers’ Welcome Song, sung to new members, which started:
“Then there’s three cheers from the Grand-dads’ Club, / There’s a welcome here
for you. / To help a friend over life’s rough road, / ’Tis a job we all can do.” The
writer also commented that “The club can certainly fill a much-needed want
in a town like Eastleigh, where old age pensioners form quite a considerable
section of the population. Often these pensioners, placed on the scrap-heap
after busy industrial lives, have very little to do to while away the time. If the
YBF effort supplies a little brightness and happiness in otherwise dull and
anxious lives, then it has been well worth it.”
The Club’s ‘Memory Book’ includes stories about well-known characters
of the club, newspaper clippings on members’ birthdays and golden wedding
anniversaries, and photographs of club outings and parties. A hand-written
note says that “Members dwindled towards the end of the 20th century when
there were many more clubs for elderly people. It closed in 2005, when there
were less than a dozen members.”

Top right: Scenes inside the Fellowship Hall during early meetings in 1940
Top left: An outing to Eastbourne
Bottom left: Members enjoying a trip to Chessington Zoo
Bottom right: Stalwarts of the Grandfathers’ Club
Hampshire Record Office: 120A09/1

CHAPTER NINE: FRIENDSHIP Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 128
 In our interviews and
CHAPTER TEN
conversations as part of

THE the Age Fusion project,

we asked people about
BRIGHT the positive aspects of
getting older. Here’s
SIDE what we heard:

Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 130


“I can get away with saying stuff that I couldn’t when I was younger. […] You’re
much more settled. You sort of know what you want in life. You know who you
are […] Generally you’re better off […] And you’ve got the things you want and
also your needs become less. I no longer want that super-duper camera because I
bought one last year.”
- Rob (64).
WARNING FROM YOUTH
A group of young people from The Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service’s Prince’s
Trust Team in Fareham took part in the Age Fusion project, and considered what
they wanted from their own old age. We read Jenny Joseph’s poem Warning
together, which begins “When I am old I shall wear purple…” and celebrates the
freedom of eccentric old age. The group responded with their own wish list, and
then performed the following poem at a day care centre:

“We spend our whole life acting in our work environment and having to put on Warning from Youth
a smile when we sometimes feel like not doing so. I love the liberty of old age. I (with apologies to Jenny Joseph)
absolutely love being old and being able to be entirely myself, and today when
you’re coming round I’ve put on whatever I felt like – sloppy old clothes I felt like When I am old I shall move to the country
putting on. I didn’t put my make up on, I didn’t want to, so I didn’t and I love it.” Away from everyone, with no-one there to nag.
- Angela (65). I will claim my pension and my free bus pass and free prescriptions
And be able to get away with murder.
“Well you don’t have to get up to go to work, but you still get up just the same!” I shall sneak beer glasses out of pubs
- Doreen P (83). And turn my music up far too loud
And bore my grandchildren to death with all my stories.
“Being waited on! That’s lovely. And I get things given me, oh it’s great. It really is.”
- Mary L (104). We can go to the bingo without being judged
And watch all our favourite TV series
“I don’t give a damn! I used to worry about what people thought of me, what And research our family trees and spoil our grandchildren
people – you know, how I looked and that sort of thing […] and also you can laugh Or go to the pub every day, or collect fish
at mistakes. Whereas I think when you were younger if you made a social blob And be weird, and smoke a pipe.
you tried to cover it up – you can come straight out with it and say ‘well, I got that
wrong didn’t I?’ I think one’s much more laid back about being honest if you like, But now we must work on our maths and literacy
and there’s so much out there. There’s so many things to see and do and you’ve got And look for work, and pay our taxes,
the freedom and I’m very fortunate in that I can afford to do it as well, so if I want And taxi everyone around.
to go off and have a new experience, I can go off and have a new experience.” We must care for our parents, earn a decent living,
- Kate (73). And be a slave to The Man.

But why wait? We could start early

So we can cause as much trouble as we can
By turning up our music, and trying bingo.

Written by members of The Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service's

Prince’s Trust Fareham Team, February 2016.

CHAPTER TEN: THE BRIGHT SIDE Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 132
 Activities To Try
In the Age Fusion Project, we used a number of
exercises to get the younger and older generations
CHAPTER ELEVEN talking together, and to encourage people to talk
about the past. Simply asking questions about the past
can prompt reminiscence. By using different creative

TALKING
activities, though, reminiscence work can unlock
memories that a straight question might not – seeing
a photograph or a map, hearing a song, smelling a

AND
perfume, or even the feel of soil in a plant pot can
trigger strong memories. We tried to use a creative
and even playful approach in our Age Fusion activities.
Some of the following ideas were already used in Age

LISTENING Concern Hampshire day care centres; some are tried

and tested reminiscence techniques developed by
bodies such as the European Reminiscence Network;
and some were suggested by the young participants
from The Hampshire Fire and Rescue Prince’s Trust
programme. Different groups and individuals respond
to different activities, and we hope these suggestions
will help to stimulate more reminiscence wherever they
are used.

Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 134

Below left: Gardening together at Kershaw Day Care Centre, February 2016.

PASS THE OBJECT DRAWING MEMORIES

A simple object like a dinner plate can be the tactile prompt that sparks
conversation and get a large or small group reminiscing. Each person takes
it in turn to hold the plate and tell the group about their favourite childhood
meal – or to hold a schoolbag and talk about what they might pack in it. This
activity is accessible to most people of all backgrounds, ages and abilities. It
also gives everyone in a group an equal turn to talk, as the object is passed around.
One way to use art in reminiscence is to pair up, with one person talking about
one of their earliest memories and the other drawing it. This forces the person
interviewing to ask specific questions, getting at minute details which might
not normally come up in conversation and which can unlock buried memories.

PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORIES
All kinds of photographs and artworks can be looked at together and used
to start conversations (there’s an example on page 96). Sharing personal
photos is a great way to start talking about your own or someone else’s life

ART
story. We used a group or partner activity called ‘My Life In Pictures’, with
older participants choosing photos of highlights from their life stories,
which prompted questions about their lives. This let people choose what they
wanted to talk about, and also encouraged the sharing of detailed memories Making a painting, drawing or collage can help to explore abstract concepts.
and emotions. For instance, the artist could start with an outline of a human body and draw
where they feel pain, and then move on to drawing what pain feels like. One

HANDS ON
participant in an Age Fusion exercise drew, with help, a series of love hearts
in concentric rings to show what love feels like to him, and how it expanded to
include each of his children as they arrived.
It’s often easier for people to talk when their

MOVEMENT
hands are busy. Participatory activities like crafts,
gardening or games can take the pressure off a
face-to-face conversation, and also stimulate the
senses such as touch, sight and smell. Different Jo Cone works as a community dance practitioner who led a movement activity
things appeal to different people, so a range of at Malmesbury Lawn Day Care Centre when we were visiting. She used safe,
activities to choose from works best. gentle movements and lots of sensory stimulation to ensure the session was

CHAPTER ELEVEN: TALKING AND LISTENING Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 136
Right, top: Young people from Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service’s Prince’s Trust Team, carry out
the ‘My Life in Pictures’ reminiscence activity with clients at Lockswood Day Care Centre.
Right, bottom: Using puppets to spark reminiscence at Horrill Day Care Centre.

accessible to everyone. We joined the group and explored the movement

potential of brightly coloured scarves, waving them, scrunching them, and
throwing them through hoops, before turning them into a load of laundry and
hanging them on a ‘washing line’ which Jo made with her arms. She led the
group in actions to imitate doing the washing, using shared movement as a
prompt for reminiscence.
Jo also told us how important she thinks it is for frail adults to have touch
beyond just functional help with moving around, eating, or washing. In her
movement sessions with vulnerable adults, she looks for someone’s body
language to see if they’re open and relaxed, and makes sure her clients are in
control of any contact: she says “if you offer hands people will take them if they on. In Age Fusion activities, we used a beach ball with questions such as “We
want to, so I don’t take their hands, I always offer my palms.” have plenty to teach the young: agree or disagree?” written on each stripe in
permanent marker, and threw the ball around the group, with each person who

DRESSING UP
caught it choosing a question to answer. In a static situation with people sitting
around a table together, a very simple activity like choosing from questions
written on index cards can help make an encounter feel more like a ‘game’.
Getting into costume helps people to get into a playful mood where they can

PUPPETS
use their imagination, as well as eliciting memories through the feel and look
of the clothes. At the Horrill Day Care Centre, the staff and volunteers use
hats to spark reminiscence. With a pile of different hats in the centre of the
room, each person is encouraged to choose one, put it on, and talk about where Glove puppets are good to use in roleplaying
they’re wearing the hat and what might be happening. It could be a school cap, activities, such as celebrating a puppet wedding
a smart hat to wear to a wedding, or part of a work uniform. or just making them have a conversation. Using
a puppet can be a fun, tactile experience, and

QUESTION GAMES
they create a playful atmosphere as soon as
they are brought out. Often, putting words in a
puppet’s mouth can also make it easier to talk
Including physical action in a group conversation helps everyone to approach about difficult or personal subjects in a group.
it as an active participant, and to feel engaged in what’s going on. One method
used at Horrill Day Care Centre is a floor-cloth with a grid drawn on it, with each
square containing a question like “Did you ever have a pet?” Each player takes
it in turn to throw a beanbag on to the grid and answer the question it lands

CHAPTER ELEVEN: TALKING AND LISTENING Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 138
YOUTUBE TIME TOUR
This activity was suggested and trialled by the young people from The Hampshire
Fire and Rescue Service’s Prince’s Trust Team, Fareham. Starting with a major
news event which many people will remember, such as the moon landings, a group
watching online videos on a large screen can reminisce about where they were at the
time and what the news meant to them. With one person in charge of the keyboard
for searching, the group can decide together which videos to call up on any subject
they want to reminisce about, whether it’s news, sport, music, or everyday life.
DAY TRIPS
An ideal way for young and old to
connect with each other and have fun
together is to go on a joint outing,
for instance to a museum. The trip
should be a treat for everyone, and
on neutral territory. If there are
vulnerable adults in either or both
groups a visit like this does, of course,
need appropriate planning and
support, but it can really get people
mixing as equals, each with different
interests and different contributions
to make.
Above: Young people from Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service’s Prince’s Trust Team, Winchester
join clients from The Limes Day Care Centre in Alton for a fun day out at Milestones Museum.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: TALKING AND LISTENING
THE REMINISCENCE ROOM
In Lockswood Day Care Centre, there is a small room where you can
travel back in time. The wallpaper is strikingly retro, the armchairs sport
lacy antimacassars, and there’s a record player and a music collection
to browse through. In one corner is a small kitchen with yellow wooden
cabinets and a stovetop kettle, and there’s an old Singer sewing machine
and a Bakelite telephone with a rotary dial. It’s a cosy, quiet space,
which the centre team use to encourage people to relax, chat and
reminisce; the various domestic props prompt all sorts of conversations.
Reminiscence rooms and areas can be found in centres and care homes
across the country, showing how therapeutic reminiscence can be.
INTERGENERATIONAL
PRACTICE
‘Intergenerational practice’ is a term used for all sorts of activities
which involve older people and younger people working together to their
mutual benefit. Even if the term is relatively new, the phenomenon is not.
Schemes bringing young and old together have been popular for years,
including in day care centres run by Age Concern Hampshire. They are
arguably more necessary than ever now that families and communities
have changed and people live, work and socialise more in their own age
groups, with fewer opportunities for the generations to mix.
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 140
 THE BENEFITS
There are many reasons to bring the generations together: studies
have found that intergenerational activities help older people to feel
better and healthier, and less isolated, while younger people also get
a boost to their self esteem and personal skills. Both sides can also
learn to understand each other better, develop friendships, and simply
enjoy the process. A 2011 report by the Scottish charitable company
IRISS (Institute for Research and Innovation in Social Services) found
that reminiscence therapy “can improve the mood, cognitive ability and
well-being of those with mild to moderate dementia” and also improve
the relationship between the person with dementia and their carers,
whether within the family, in residential care or at a day care centre.
Whether they have dementia or not, talking about their past lives helps
people to get to know and respect each other, and reminiscence can be
mood-enhancing for everyone.
TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING
There are all sorts of reasons why communication may become harder in
old age, most obviously hearing loss or dementia. Sometimes, people may
seem rude or uninterested to those who don’t understand their difficulties.
Angela, who herself struggled with face-to-face communication when she was
temporarily disabled, had some advice to help younger people empathise with
the physical challenges an older person might face: “they might be in pain, they
might not be able to sit comfortably, they might not be able to move their neck
comfortably, they might not be able to see you properly or to hear you properly”.
In Angela’s case, she was not yet 65 when she became ill; hearing loss and
other difficulties, like mental health problems and a lack of confidence, can of
course occur at any age. Many of Age Fusion’s younger participants found it
hard to talk to new people. The following tips have been designed for young
people talking to older people, but most are useful reminders for anyone
hoping to have a successful conversation where there are barriers to overcome.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: TALKING AND LISTENING
• Sit face to face, making sure you can be seen clearly; it’s easier to listen if you
can also see the speaker’s face, especially for people with hearing loss.
• If the other person is sitting down, sit or kneel so they don’t have to look up to
see you.
• Speak slowly and clearly, but try not to shout.
• Watch for body language as well as listening to someone’s words.
• Have an opening gambit up your sleeve. One question that worked for some
of the Age Fusion participants on meeting a new person is, “How did you get
your name?” which can open up all sorts of topics if the person is open to
conversation.
• Open questions starting with ‘how’, ‘why’, ‘where’, ‘when’, ‘who’ and ’what’ elicit
longer answers than closed questions, and help people to feel comfortable
opening up.
• Try not to make assumptions. “What was your mother like?” could be a painful
question for some people; “who did you live with when you were growing up?”
gives the interviewee the opportunity to tell the story in their own way.
• Ask one question at a time, and wait for a response: it may take the other
person a little longer to answer than you’re used to, but it’s worth giving them
the time to think and reflect.
• If you haven’t been understood, instead of just repeating the question, try
thinking creatively: can you put it another way?
• Above all, remember to listen. Listening properly is an important way to show
respect – as well as an opportunity to learn something new.
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 142
Right: Enjoying playing games together at Horrill Day Care Centre, April 2016
MAKING DEMENTIA FRIENDS
The groups of young people from youth organisations who took part in the
Age Fusion project went through the Alzheimer’s Society’s ’Dementia Friends’
training, which aims to increase understanding of dementia. Several of them
said afterwards that the training had helped them understand the experience
of people with dementia, which would be useful wherever they came into
contact with dementia in the future. You can find out more about becoming a
Dementia Friend at www.dementiafriends.org.uk.
US AND THEM
The groups of young people who came into day care centres with Age Fusion felt
awkward and unsure of what to do on their first visits. The separation between the
generations was clear: the groups were meeting on the older group’s territory, where
they knew each other, the staff and how things were done; the older group had chairs
in a familiar layout, while the younger group fitted in where they could; and the
teams from The Hampshire Fire and Rescue Prince’s Trust wore uniform T-shirts
to identify themselves. All this underlined the ‘us and them’ feeling which the Age
Fusion activities then aimed to break down and get beyond.
AGE FUSION IN ACTION
The Age Fusion project tried out a range of activities in Age Concern
Hampshire’s day care centres, and had fun discovering new surprises each
time. When we broke the ice with ‘Pass the Plate’ at Horrill Day Care Centre,
two people told us about eating stewed rabbit that they or a relative had caught,
and three people around the room mentioned goulash as they were originally
from Germany and Austria.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: TALKING AND LISTENING
For one woman in Aldershot who had been very withdrawn in a session, not
speaking or making eye contact, the key was being handed a half-finished
length of knitting, a craft she hadn’t done for years. As the movements came
back to her she began to talk at length about learning to knit with her mother,
and about her home life and family.
The YouTube reminiscence session which The Hampshire Fire and Rescue
Service’s Prince’s Trust Fareham Team tested at Kershaw Day Care Centre
stimulated a fascinating discussion. The young people connected a laptop to
the big screen in a TV room to show an original Pathé news report of President
Kennedy’s assassination to the group, and asked where the older participants
were when they heard the news. It turned out that two of the men in the room
had been on board the same ship at the time, HMS Hermes. The team quickly
found a clip of HMS Hermes from that time, showing details of the sailors’
lives and shots of the galley where one of the men had worked as a cook. The
young people also showed footage of the Moon landings, and shared some of
each group’s favourite music – though they were surprised when one of the
‘older’ men requested Bon Jovi rather than Elvis. This activity made the most of
the young people’s technical skills, as well as being flexible enough to allow the
group’s individual interests and experiences to lead the conversation.
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 144
AN OLDER VERSION OF US "they were surprised when one
The afternoon which one group of young people from The Hampshire Fire of the ‘older’ men requested
and Rescue Prince’s Trust spent at Lockswood Day Care Centre was lively and
full of laughter and surprises. They were visiting as part of the Age Fusion Bon Jovi rather than Elvis."
project, to run the activity we called ‘My Life In Pictures’. Before the activity,
there was a certain amount of apprehension on all sides. Some of the day care
centre service users were nervous about speaking to strangers, and the centre
manager, Mandy, expressed her worry that the young people might offend the
older people by not listening respectfully to their stories. Among the group,
there were other concerns: one participant said “I’m worried I’ll ask a question
and they’ll get offended”. Another thought he might encounter outdated
attitudes like racism or homophobia. Several expected to find it challenging to

talk to older people, although one said he expected them all to be different – “I
think they’ll just be like an older version of us”.
When we brought the two groups together, there were barriers to
communication on both sides. Many, but not all, of the older people had
varying degrees of hearing loss, physical disabilities, or dementia. Some, but
not all, of the younger people had problems with their own communication
skills, including a lack of confidence and health issues such as ADHD. The
support of the staff and volunteers at the day care centres was vital. It required
a leap of faith from them to allow the young people to lead activities, and
their relationships with the service users and ability to support them in the
activities was invaluable. As it turned out, the activity was a great success
on many levels. Running these activities with a mixed group of sometimes
vulnerable adults was a reminder to all of us to go in with an open mind, to
be patient with each other, and to try to work on our communication to relate
better to our fellow human beings.
MEETING GORDON
For the ‘My Life In Pictures’ activity, Gordon brought in photographs of
himself in Army uniform, with his wife Valerie the year after they married,
and on holiday with Valerie in Austria in later life.
After the group activity, three young men from the Fareham Team
programme, together with a project facilitator, recorded an interview with
Gordon. They listened to the story of his time in prison, as well as his later
career and marriage. One of the volunteers was interested in history, and
had questions on the German occupation of Jersey, while another wanted to
ask Gordon’s advice on life. His eventful life story and his positive, youthful
attitude made a big impression on the young people he talked to. It was a
positive experience for Gordon, too – he enjoys telling his stories, and has
even written his memoirs into a book.

CHAPTER ELEVEN: TALKING AND LISTENING Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 146
“I'm a
criminal!”
- Gordon’s story
Gordon’s war story is, at times, like something from the
pages of The Boy’s Own Paper. Age Fusion’s young people
found it gripping to listen to.

O
ne day in the early 1940s, 16-year-old Gordon Faucon was walking along
a footpath near his home in Nazi-occupied Jersey, carrying two cans of
milk for his mother and his boss. Two German soldiers came towards
him, and he accidentally brushed past one of them. Gordon was arrested and
sentenced to one month in prison, at a trial he did not attend, for the crime
of ‘insulting the German army’. “I’m a criminal!” he boasts happily. Gordon
claims he was the island’s second political prisoner of the war, the first being a
crane driver who had taken photographs of German positions. When Gordon
walked out of jail at the end of his sentence, he was hiding a letter he had
smuggled out for the crane driver’s wife.
His younger brother Kenneth, who lived in a children’s home due to a
spinal deformity, was awarded the Scouts’ Cornwell Badge for his bravery in
keeping his Scout troop going during the occupation despite of the Nazi ban
on the Scouting movement. Gordon grew up on Jersey, and in 1938, aged 14,
he joined the army’s Boys’ Service as an apprentice tradesman. This meant

Right: Gordon in the bright and cheerful reminiscence room

at Lockswood Wellbeing Centre. ©Zoe Waren

CHAPTER ELEVEN: TALKING AND LISTENING Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 148
 Top: Gordon (left) on attachment to HQ Anti-Aircraft Command, 1948-49,
Stanmore Middlesex.
Bottom right: Gordon and Valerie on holiday in Jersey in the early 1950s.

committing, as a teenager, to 12 years’ service – eight in the colours and four discovered back on Jersey in
in the reserves – “no messing around!”, as Gordon says. He went to Chatham in the draughtsman’s office. After
Kent for training, but was home in Jersey on holiday in late June 1940 when training with the Royal Engineers,
the Germans took over the island. Two days before the occupation began, the he worked as an architectural
Luftwaffe bombed Jersey and Guernsey, which they then discovered had been draughtsman.
left undefended. Gordon remembers the bombing very clearly. One bomb In the meantime, Gordon’s
fell near his brother’s children’s home, leaving marks across the building’s family had moved to Southampton,
woodwork. Luckily, no-one was injured, and none of the windows even shattered. where Gordon’s sister was to
Once the island was in Nazi hands, Gordon was in a dangerous position. introduce him to the love of his
As a British soldier in occupied territory, the British army had him classified life. Valerie was a student nurse,
as a prisoner of war – something he had to keep hidden from the German training with Gordon’s sister at
authorities. At one point, Gordon says, the thing he feared happened: he was Southampton General Hospital.
found out. Due to be deported, Gordon was saved by two twists of fate. He fell The couple first met on a night out
ill, and had to go to hospital; and the ship which was waiting to deport him at the NAAFI club in Southampton.
was sunk by an RAF bombing raid. For the rest of the war, Gordon was on Asked for his first impressions
tenterhooks, wondering if he would be arrested. of Valerie, Gordon says “I was
During his five years trapped on the island, Gordon found work in different gobsmacked. She was fantastic.”
jobs: as a bicycle messenger, in an architectural draughtsman’s office, and, in They got engaged under a tree on
the final two years, as a policeman. One night, Gordon was on duty as usual Southampton Common, but shortly afterwards Gordon was posted to Austria.
from 10pm to 6am when he had a lucky escape. He was standing in a doorway Sad to leave his fiancée behind, he nonetheless had a fantastic time. He learned
when a German fighter plane flew over, firing as it went. Gordon fled the to ski and to love the country, and overcame his distrust of German people. For
scene on his bicycle. He laughs as he tells the story: “the following day when I years afterwards, Gordon and Valerie spent their holidays in Austria.
came down there, that door was pitted with bullet holes – so if I had been there I Sadly, Valerie died three years ago, and Gordon now lives alone. There
wouldn’t have been here now!” are practical difficulties, but
When the British arrived to liberate Jersey in May 1945, Gordon made his Gordon values his time at the
way straight to their HQ to declare his status as a British soldier. He explained day care centre and enjoys
the situation to a staff sergeant, who called through to the next office: “Excuse talking to people. He says he
me, sir, I’ve got a bloody idiot here wants to join the Army!” After living on the doesn’t think of his age at all.
islanders’ starvation diet under the Germans, Gordon weighed just 7 stone. He When 17-year-old Dan asks him
was put on treble rations for his first three weeks back in service. for his advice for the younger
In the years after the war, Gordon was posted around England, and generation, he says: “Just enjoy
eventually managed to pursue the passion for architecture which he had your life.”

CHAPTER ELEVEN: TALKING AND LISTENING Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 150

MORE LIKE ME
One Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service’s Prince’s Trust Team from
Winchester joined a group from The Limes Day Care Centre in Alton on a trip
out. They spent an afternoon together in Milestones museum of living history
in Basingstoke, which is full of everyday objects to prompt reminiscence and
conversations about the past. Before their first visit to a day care centre, some
of the younger group had been very scared of speaking to older people they
didn’t know, and particularly of having nothing to talk about. By the time of
the Milestones trip, the Winchester team had got to know some of the group
from The Limes and found out what they had in common.
Sean had quickly made a new friend in Ken, who shared his passion for
engines, and the two of them headed for the Thornycroft exhibit of old
vehicles. Jordan gravitated to Percy, who made him laugh. “He’s more like me I
think, than any old person I know. Yeah, he’s funny,” Jordan said afterwards, and
added that he wanted to take Percy clubbing in London.
Doreen B and Emily also had a laugh together. Doreen’s sage advice to her
young sidekick was “don’t get corrupted by old people!” She said she’d found
the day fascinating, and had especially enjoyed telling Emily stories she
didn’t know about history. Cecily also liked being able to tell the young people
something new. She was enthusiastic about the day trip, saying “I thought
it was excellent plus.” She had spent time talking to two young people in
particular. “I told them all about what children did during the war […] and I was
gratified in the fact that they really were very interested, they had no idea.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN: TALKING AND LISTENING
A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE
ON LIFE
The Age Fusion project activities had many impressive results. After the ‘My
Life In Pictures’ activity, Sue, the assistant manager at Lockswood Day Care
Centre, commented on how well everyone had engaged with each other. The
team at Lockswood regularly include intergenerational activities in their
schedule, including not just young adults but even inviting a parent and toddler
group into the centre. Mandy, the manager, said that “being with young people
is such an enriching experience for our people, they really enjoy it.” Sue explained
what she liked about Age Fusion’s focus on reminiscence: “It is so important that
we share stories. […] It’s important that everybody feels wanted and everybody has
something to give, and it’s important to the older generation to feel that they’re still
giving to the youngsters.” At the end of the afternoon, she commented on how
much the older people had enjoyed themselves, saying they were “buzzing”.
Even after knowing her group for some time and listening to their life stories
previously, Sue found that the meeting with young people from The Hampshire
Fire and Rescue Service’s Prince’s Trust brought out new stories – like the
time one man went for a drink with Tommy Cooper, and instead of getting an
autograph got Tommy to draw a fez on the back of his neck.
Over the course of Age Fusion activities, we saw several young people
blossom as they gained in confidence. Some who at first came across as hostile
and uncommunicative showed a different side of themselves when they
started to mix with older people. Ash (25) explained: “I don’t normally talk to
the elderly so it would normally be something I shy away from, but now I feel a bit
more confident in being able to talk to them”.
Several of the young people told us how much they had learned from the
conversations they had had. Luke said in his public presentation that his
participation in Age Fusion was one of the main highlights of his Hampshire
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 152
Fire and Rescue Service’s Prince’s Trust Team programme, “as I thoroughly
enjoyed learning about how people from different generations lived.” At the end
of his own time with the project, Dan (17) said: “I got a different perspective on
life. Because they’ve lived such a different life. The more I think of it, we have it so
easy, because they’ve experienced so much more. However […] apart from all the
terrible stuff that happened, all of them say ‘enjoy it’.” Dan asked several people
for their life advice, including career advice from Royal Navy veterans. Some
of the older people said they regretted not having travelled more, and others
advised the young people to get qualifications.
Other young people said they had gained a better understanding of
dementia, which would help them relate to family members with the illness,
“I DON'T NEED YOU TO
REMIND ME OF MY AGE.
or to other people they may come into contact with in the future. Ash said “I
don’t know anyone with dementia but now that I’m more aware of it […] I’ll be able
to talk to that person a lot more easily, without getting frustrated because they’re
taking their time”. He and Julie agreed that they had learned to be more patient,
which would help them in other relationships as well – and as Ash said, “if I HAVE A BLADDER TO
people slowed down and were patient they’d get a lot more out of life.”
Two of the young people from one Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service’s
Prince’s Trust Team decided to do work placements in Age Concern
DO THAT FOR ME”
Hampshire day care centres after visiting with the Age Fusion project.
Perhaps most importantly, the project helped some people to think differently
about other generations.
“We stereotype older people and older people maybe stereotype young people,
I suppose it’s changed my views. […] They’re literally the same as us, just older STEPHEN FRY
versions.” - Dan (17).

CHAPTER ELEVEN: TALKING AND LISTENING Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 154
 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
THANK YOU to everyone who has supported the Age Fusion project,
including all the interviewees; the Age Concern Hampshire day care centre
service users, staff, trustees and volunteers; members of The Hampshire Fire
and Rescue Service’s Prince’s Trust Team Programmes and team leaders in
Southampton, Fareham, Winchester and Totton; the young people and youth
workers at Step by Step in Aldershot; the staff of Hampshire Record Office,
home of Hampshire County Council’s Archives and Local Studies, especially
Heather Needham; the volunteers who took part in all our project activities;
and everyone at Age Concern Hampshire head office who offered advice,
support and wisdom.
The Age Fusion project team is:
Emma Golby-Kirk, Heritage Project Manager
Jo Foster, Writer
Padmini Broomfield, Evaluator
Kate Weston, Events Organiser
George Lee, Events Assistant
Thomas Dyer, Photography Facilitator
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
We are especially grateful to the following people who shared aspects of their
life stories and experiences of growing older in oral history interviews:
Peter (73); Jill (78); Doreen P (83); Winnie (84) – attendees of The Limes Day
Care Centre, Alton
Mike (76) – attendee of Padwell Road Day Care Centre, Southampton
Shirley (81); John (88); Mary L (104) – attendees of Malmesbury Lawn Day Care
Centre, Havant
Mary B (86); Karl (90) – attendees of Horrill Day Care Centre, Hythe
Gladys (90) – attendee of Rosefield Day Care Centre, Odiham
Joan (92); Gordon (92) – attendees of Lockswood Day Care Centre, Locks Heath
Auriol (89) – recipient of Age Concern Hampshire’s Older People’s Area Link
(OPAL) support service
Sue (52); Maria (58); Mandy (61); Rob (64) – members of the Age Concern
Hampshire staff team
Angela (65); Joyce (73); Kate (73) – volunteers for Age Concern Hampshire
Information and Advice and OPAL support services
Note: ages correct at the time of interviewing.
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old 156
 Useful sources of information, advice and support:

Age Concern Hampshire – an independent charity working across the county

to promote independent living to the over-50s. The Information and Advice
Service offers independent, impartial and confidential support to people
aged over 50, their friends, family and carers, and to professionals
working with older people.
Helpline: 0800 328 7154
info@ageconcernhampshire.org.uk
www.ageconcernhampshire.org.uk

Age UK – the country's largest charity dedicated to helping

everyone make the most of later life.
Helpline: 0800 169 2081
www.ageuk.org.uk

Alzheimer’s Society – the leading organisation in the fight against dementia.

It offers information and support to those experiencing Alzheimer’s
or any other form of dementia. The Alzeimer’s Society also runs the
Dementia Friends programme.
National Dementia Helpline: 0300 222 1122
www.alzheimers.org.uk
www.dementiafriends.org.uk

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Getting On: Conversations on Living Life and Growing Old
gives an authentic, much-needed voice to those who are
getting older – what does it feel like to require care? What
about starting new relationships? Why make a ‘living
will’? A mix of personal stories, anecdotes and facts
about old age, the book is uplifting, amusing, and relevant
to all age groups: those who are themselves getting older
will find the reassurance of fellow travellers within its
pages; their family and carers will gain insight into often
unexplored aspects of growing old, and young readers
may, like the young people quoted in this book, realise
that elderly people are simply ‘older versions of us’.

About the author: Jo Foster read history at Cambridge

and worked in TV production for nine years, on
documentaries including Time Team and Who Do You
Think You Are? She is the author of several children’s
history books, including Why Would a Dog Need a
Parachute? Questions and Answers about the Second
World War and the series History Spies, as well as
children’s museum guidebooks for the Imperial War
Museum and the National Trust. Jo is 35, and hopes to
lead a long, active and interesting old age.