CHASING SHADOWS

Rowanne Kua
CHASING SHADOWS
Rowanne Kua
RKRY Publishing
Author: Rowanne Kua
CONTENTS
Introduction ... 01
First published in Kuala Lumpur by
RKRY Publishers Sdn. Bhd, 2017 Lion ........... 05
Birthday ..... 07
An imprint of (name) Child .......... 09
© Rowanne Kua, 2017
Cat .............. 11
All rights reserved. The copyright of this work belongs to Owl ............ 11
the author who is solely responsible for this content. All of Sixteen ....... 13
the pages including each of the poems indices on this book Seventeen ... 15
are written and complied by Rowanne Kua. No part of this Twenty ....... 17
publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in
any form or by any means, including use of photocopying, Wolf ........... 19
recording, other electronic or mechanical methods, without Youth ......... 21
the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the
Christmas ... 23
case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews, certain
Faded .......... 24
other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law with
proper citation provided for the particular usage.
References ...... 25

RKRY Publishing Sdn Bhd is a registered trademark of name

ISBN 9-6101-0102-57-6

Printer: Mummy Design, Bandar Sunway

Font: ITC Stone Serif Std
Designer: Rowanne Kua
01
INTRODUCTION
21 years ago, on the 10th of October, a cute, small
black-eyed baby girl was born in a small quiet town.
Indeed, that baby girl was me. I come from Alor Setar,
Kedah where I was born born and grew up. What
makes me, me? I am no one but just an ordinary
person and over-thinker who has to work hard to
develop the skills I was given.

I would never consider myself as an optimistic and

confident person, yet I believe that my strength lies
in my kindness, willing to learn and my desire to
work hard to achieve excellence, or perfection. I
hope that all the directions and paths I’ve taken,
especially throughout my Diploma and Bachelor
Degree courses at Taylor’s University for four years
are able to make me the person I wanted to be in
future, hopefully.

All of this brings me to my teenage years. As a norm

teenager, I never acted like most the teenagers are:
eitrebellious, defiant, or thought that I knew it all.
My dream as an artist has been rejected by both my
parents. They never allowed me to take any drawing
lessons, instead they insisted me to only focused on
my studies and to consider in taking the pharmacy
or veterinary course after fully completing my high
school. Then.

I woke up in the dark.

I remember.
It was the year 2016.
03 The year I was at the age of 20. I entered the ward
for the first time. The smell of the hospital was filled
and overwhelmed with the mixture of antiseptic, of
sickness. I couldn’t help to think, this must be how
he had felt: this overwhelming awfulness of having
to leave the world, and the person you love the most,
who is most central to who you are, to take care for
themselves when that is the exact thing they are at
that time, incapable of doing.
And yet, that hasn’t been the hardest thing. Or the
thing that has made me feel like I have to be “fully
developed,” which is the definition the dictionary
has given to the word adult. Going through the care-
by taking paces for an ill parent is in fact very, very
difficult, as anyone who’s dealt with this can tell you.
It strips away what’s left of any shred of security you
may have that somewhere in the world is someone
whose main role in life is to make sure you are okay.
I imagine this sensation is more or less true to the
experience of every person who’s lost a parent, and
along with them the mirror reflecting back certain
self-truths to them. But there is something extra cruel
and confusing about experiencing the loss while my 04
father is still alive, seeing the pale look on his face
when both of us watching the Alice in Wonderland
or The Golden Compass movie in the morning that
reminded me of the moment I rejected to join our
first family trip, or his coughing and being insomnia
and uncomfortable in the middle of the night that
made me recall those days I was being so rude and
mad at him.
Then, I got to know him, whom I thought is the
person that can walk with me in sorrow and pain,
and going to play one of the biggest part in my life.
His brown eyes and hair, he’s taller than me, looks
skinny, one who has great sense of humour, warm
and sweet. Both of us love cats, we could laugh at
the same things, we like the same genre of movies,
he would listen to me singing Disney songs all day.
I loved the way his eyes crinkles when he smiled or
laughed. I remembered him saying that I shouldn’t
have to go through all these pain. I enjoyed the time
we stayed side by side in the library, him working on
his book illustration while me working on my logo
design. It was when my whole new world came to
an end, everything was over and he chose to walk
out of my life. I spent a lot of time missing him, then
I realised things would never go back, to the ways
they were used to be.
I wouldn’t know, that how one could have survived
facing the ordeal of losing a grandparent, a parent
and a pet cat, then a best friend and first love who
chose to left at once. I might have grown up in one
night, but with a broken heart that time could never
ever being mended.
 LION 06

It came as a bolt from the blue sky

The day had started like any other
It was bright and no clouds in sight
They were all waiting at the hallway
Anxiously, anxiously, still anxiously
Anguished tears wracked her body
The heart was being torn into shreds
Hit onto the floor strongly
A fresh spasm of pain overwhelming
Every single one of them lost hoping
The moment his heart stopped beating
I thought I saw his shadow standing
I stared at the pale face of this man
The king of beasts
The shelter of us
Lying so still on the white bed
I wonder where should we go
Wandering in the memories
That he cruely left behind or
The broken pieces that we hold

那
张
苍
白
的
脸
，
如
睡
得
安
详
的
万
兽
之
王
，
是
我
们
的
The hallway in Putra Medical 家
Centra in Alor Setar. 。
07 BIRTHDAY The gift on table was being stacked up 08
Has actually been short of yours
桌
上 The radio is broadcasting the birthday song
的 Replacing the birthday wishes that you owe
礼 The side lying on bed rainy day night
物
还 Calculates this is several time you not in
被 Midnight’s ding resounded nearby the ear
堆
着 I can only wish myself a happy birthday
，
却 Happy happy birthday
还 Wish me to have a joyful day
是
少 The first ever time celebration
了 Was you invited cup of Cola
你 Cake and candles
的
一 Only are blowing
份 This is the several time
， I still clearly remember
电
台
播 Happy happy birthday
放 The birthday was a joyful day
着 Each ever year of celebrations
轻
快 You were also singing the song
的 That person standing beside me
生
日 No longer was you
歌 Changes part of the memories
，
代 Happy happy birthday
替
你 Wished it will still be a joyful day
欠 Even if it isn’t a celebration and
的 Still hoping that you
一
句 Will be accompanying
生 Coffee that you loved
日 Is prepared for you here
快
乐 Yet it cooled so quickly
。 Every single year of birthday And it couldn’t be heated
celebrations, although I never
had any chances of inviting
Sits in cafe’s rainy day night
friends to my birthday party,
he would always bring me to
You in early have not become
nice restaurants. Even when The familiar song is still
I wasn’t around hometown, Kept broadcasting
this man would still send me Over and over again
messages and make a call to Acknowledged only then
wish me a Happy Birthday. Deepens to your missing
09 CHILD 10

The child cried

The adult would be rushing towards
To comfort
Teasing with the toys
She will then fell asleep
The youth cried
Which the adult went to be busy
She does not have the toys
To accompany
大 Then the tears did were disappointed
人 In childhood studied
训
练 Strongly in the protection
孩 After growing up
子 Discovered that being strong is very difficult
飞
翔 Sometimes the general meeting thinks
， The study gives up being quite simple
却 In childhood love like forbidden fruit
折 After growing up
断
了 Study love in confusedness
她 How at that time to think
的
翅 Carries a torch is loved ideally
膀 The adult trains the child to soar
， Has actually broken off her wing
斥 Reprimanded her dream
责
她 But the first thought already buried
没 In the distant place
有 That distant place
梦
想 Turns head not to touch
。 The horizon
 CAT 12

She was lying on the ground

Cosily
I missed petting her grey fur
Softly
Quietly

OWL
We used to be the night owls in the dark
I would never break the wall between us
I would never found the answer
Probably she is way more better
Probably it’s better to stay quiet
And leave everything behind
Including you
Including me
 SIXTEEN 14

Enters the early winter since the fall end

Anything in kiss window
Probably is the holiday wind
The youth piles up in the corner
Blew off forgets
Had been ground by the time
Is annoyed the height not to grow probably
Memory who clamoured
To bend down
Or to pick up first
We pause delightfully
In our sweet sixteen
Once burning hot school fan breeze
On fan platform the silence of sound
Actually under fan non-platform
Suffering of sleepiness
Which quarter dusk night we want
To accept as a memento daytime
Only then summer state passed together
When who also immerses from the bottom
Nearby corridor vending machine already
Changes spatially
What is worth recalling is the smile or painful
The memories and stories
Who compiles the novel first

值
得
回
忆
的
，
是
微
笑
还
是
痛
。
15 SEVENTEEN 16

Three years five classes of 17 years old

Cross rampantly
The light yellow wall portrays
One kind of worn-out feeling
It is not the romantic
The teacher corrects that it is innocent
The brilliance must have selects silly
Five the spots get out of bed to wield
Unable to disperse diluteness
Lies camouflages a workaholic on the table
It is not the school song yet also
Will occasionally come
An enthusiasm to sing
After singing completes an assignment
The internal injuries
The youth is very profligate everyone
Not to give up leaves
When that attending class elephant
Hates to get out of bed
Makes is snatching a single meal with ten people
Also can smile the wound
That the draw is caressing
Each other receives
Surrounds the dream accompaniment
Is being the separation regreted
Talk termination station
When the feeling approaches
When more walks more disperses
The recollection general meeting was ruined
By the time the cemetery
Who remembers?
17-year-old blooming
17 TWENTY 18

Soul that two urban

One person alone
Fight bravely
A return trip load
Bearing different stories from travellers
You have endured patiently
Many scars in this indifferent
To fame or gain youth
Indulges itself also
To have others clearly
Opposite disposition
The word and song that the black lead writes
Sufficiently accumulate the flying dust
Depending on process that the recollection
Puts together fragmentarily actually moving
The station sound of flowing water is rising
In the corridor
Inside corners of the mouth
What the standing on tiptoes foot
Look around is some class of somebody
Hand in hand the shy face will be blazing
Suits is protecting in the palm cautiously
Walks thinks the past events likely
Tree root in the metropolis distance
What the standing on tiptoes foot looks around
Is chatting all night the time that
The old recollection transferred coolly
Separation of beliefs
Prepares each time to gather
To chant the farewell song
Bigger lonelier is the youth incantation law
Everyone wants to let revive again
Only has to write in the diary reluctantly lets it
Continues to keep at heart the deepest blank
Places oneself the intersection minutes and seconds
To elapse like traveller
The standing on tiptoes foot looks around
The fuzzy future is exerting whether also the body
The urban city is big yet the heart was tired
Initial being duty-bound not to turn back
Possibly traded the life
 WOLF 20

Skyscrapers, magnificent, neon lights

Being wrapped in the indifference
Neither warmth nor kindness
At night the city is much more radiant
Just like the fog, clothed in the white halo
何
必 Garden, a promise, and heave a sigh
伪 Sincerity, a fragile existence
装
成 Standing on the peak
一 Enjoy boundless monopolizing in the most peak
匹
满 Like a roaring beast unleashed in the revelry
月
之 The invaded heart is unwilling to leave
下
孤 Before it is slowly given up and losing him
独
的 If I could disguise as a wolf, just like you
狼
， The ritual of kissing the soul
何 The pretended romance is hurting yet fast healing
必 Wouldn’t have to lick my own wound
伪 Like a cat got injured
装
她 Fortunately
不 I would still fall for you like a fool
是
等
着 It feels more difficult to forget
被 As wanting to forget more
抹
去 If you could unload your disguise of a wolf
的 A lone wolf under the shadow of plenilune
尘 Stop pretending like her wasn’t just the dust
埃
。 Being waiting to be wiped away some day
21 YOUTH
Except for summer
Or in the summer
Cannot hear the noise of the rain
To remember you
Has worked as ten years stranger
Hears the noise of the rain
Not to have a smiling face
17 years old should be in love
17 years old actually said
That does not want to love
Tenacious is not mature
Everybody looked that I
Always said likely a child
Will not ride the bicycle
Imagination to carry to you
Cannot install this that to dream is taught
To want by you to look your several eyes
This is happy false appearance happiness
Like flower beautiful
Like candy happy
Like lip honey that more
And more addicting

固
执
的
、
不
成
熟
的
，
大
家
看
我
总
说
像
个
孩
子
。
23 CHRISTMAS
Getting out of bed morning greetings
Sharing breakfast supplementary quantity
Several pieces of gingerbread supplement
Rest clothing is in light blue colour
The red sock does not have weight as before
How Santa could forgetten about this
The window moistens the full snowflakes
Nothing much but just an imagination
A missing walk that dawn that you gave
I imagine the lunatic same to smile silly
How do this year could hope
The Christmas custom seeks for a sign
In the morning seeks your visit
Why does it like a mirage
The city is not obviously big
The Christmas changes the clothing style
To be looked in the morning
In family as before empty
Why summer’s snowman will melt
Can you reply?
After many Christmases
Your back will desalinate in memory
Heart liberation that the frame lives in

圣
诞
早
上
习
惯
寻
找
驯
鹿
的 FADED
迹
象 When it was slowly faded
。 Like your feelings towards me
25
REFERENCES 26

Desamba, Y., 2013. 25 Modern Examples of Layouts in Book

Design. [Online]
Available at: http://jayce-o.blogspot.com/2013/06/
modern-examples-layouts-book-design.html
[Accessed 30 April 2017].

Ty, C. O., 2016. Midnight Monologues. 1st ed. Selangor:

Penwings Publishing.

Wang, E., 2016. The Possibly Immortal Keanu Reeves Wrote a

Spooky Book About Shadows. [Online]
Available at: http://www.esquire.com/entertainment/
books/a43734/keanu-reeves-wrote-a-book-about-shadows/
[Accessed 20 April 2017].
 CHASING SHADOWS

Rowanne Kua
RKRY Publishing

“There’s one thing about time, it waits for nobody. I used to

be a chaser in the dark, believing you were just one or two
steps ahead. I tried to imagine the shape of us- with a father,
a friend, a pet, or a lover. Where all the tender stories begin
with a heart that never heals.”

This book is a poem collection of Rowanne Kua. From those

sentences, you can feel detailed memories and sadness, regrets
and appreciation expressed by the author. With the abstract
illustrations in the book, she hopes readers could have more
imagination when they read each poem.