Xenophilius Lovegood

All the news you won’t find anywhere else! Editor in Chief
http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org/fun/quibbler

31 October 2009

5 Knuts
l l i o n ! head
Mermaid R e b e of th Acromantula
e hea Armies!
dless
Renegade Niffler attacks Muggles! hunt
head
less!
h e d W iz a r d in g E n t r e p r e n e u r !
Goblins Ab d u c t D is t in g u is

*The news that you won’t find anywhere else
Q
The
http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org/fun/quibbler
uibbler
Albanian Acromantula Army – Will
You-Know-Who Come Back?
Mr Netwell, a famous myth scientist,
has made a most unsettling discovery in
the thickest of vegetations in Albania.
While travelling in the long since faded
footprints of Helena Ravenclaw, looking
to find the tree that once held her
mother’s famous diadem, he ran into
quite something else deep in the heart of
the Albanian forests: a birth place for an
army of Acromantulas!!! Mr Netwell, who
very luckily is a hawk Animagus,
managed to fly into the very heart of the
area, take this picture and escape alive!
“I couldn’t believe it when I first saw
signs of Acromantulas in that quiet
forest, although it was far too quiet…”
Mr Netwell says. “I went there seeking to
find a famous tree, not an army growing
up in secret. My little adventure
suddenly became a very dangerous one,
and if I hadn’t been able to fly…” Mr
Netwell trembles from head to feet.
The Daily Prophet, which was first
sent these photos, chose to be as
short-sighted and narrow-minded as
usual. Claiming no Acromantula eggs are
ever left unguarded such as these, nor do
they like the sun and fresh air, they
declared the photos as fakes. “FAKES!?!
Would you believe it? I don’t know why I
bothered with them first,” Mr Netwell
says. “Certainly, no Acromantula eggs
are ever left unguarded. So, they just
failed to ask the right question: Where
are the adult Acromantulas??? A very
justified question indeed!” Mr Netwell’s
explanation is as convincing as it is
alarming!
The Quibbler
Staff wishes
you a Happy
Halloween
The Quibbler
Xenophilius Lovegood:
Editor - In - Chief
All owls to be sent to the Editor.
31 October 2009
We all know what help You-Know-Who
and the Death Eaters had of Acromantulas
at the Final Battle of VWII at Hogwarts in
May 1998. We also know that You-Know-
Who always took refuge in the Albanian
forests in times of bad luck. His spirit came
back from the dead once, what is to say it
won’t come back a second time? What
better place for it to lick its wounds and
plan for a new attack, than the forests that
served him so well last time?
Besides being a terrible villain, You-
Know-Who perfected his magical skills in a
hitherto unknown way. Nothing stops this
evil spirit, who knows how to create a
body from a spirit and how to fly without
any Transfiguration, from turning his
Army Invisible! The only possible explana-
tion for these seemingly abandoned Acro-
mantula eggs are that the adults all are
Invisible!
How anyone can believe these
absolutely amazing photos to be fakes is
totally beyond us at The Quibbler, one can
even see the embryos inside!!! Rather than
truly believing this to be a fake, The Daily
Prophet must be as paralysed by fear as
Mr Fudge was in 1995 – HOW are we
supposed to be able to defend ourselves
from invisible Acromantulas??? This time
we must act swiftly unless You-Know-Who
will succeed in ruling Britain and the rest
of the world! The Quibbler urges all its
readers to demand that the Ministry of
Magic act immediately!!!
~ Evreka
 Happy Halloween
Ah… Halloween! Crisp evening air, a mug of
butterbeer by the fire while reading the latest
Quidditch reports, games of Exploding Snap or
Chess with the family, time spent in the chilly
outdoors hunting Snorkacks — We all love it.
For all of Wizardkind, this is a special time of
year, a time filled with warm personal
memories.
But there is one special memory I have from many years ago, a time when all over
the Wizarding World we raised our glasses and drank a toast to “The Boy Who
Lived.” Hope began on that night, so in all our festivities, let us not forget the cost
of our freedom nor the courage of all who fought. We remember them all, but on
this Halloween, let us raise out glasses in special memory: “To James and Lily, who
never gave up hope!”

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not associated with J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros., or any of the
individuals or companies associated with producing and publishing the
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The usual gang of loonies includes: DorisTLC, Dragonsinger,
Dreamteam, Evreka, Harry’s Horntail, Iheartprofessorsnape,
Janemarple9, Lirene, Rudius Hagrid, SeverineSnape, Snapes-Sister,
wordsaremagic. This issue’s guest contributors include Clare Fogarty,
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 Aberforth’s Page 3 Girl
Jenny is ready for
Tricks and Treats.

Watch out for Spooks!

Culture and Class

in the Wizarding World
by Mundungus Fletcher

Happy Halloween.
Wipe yer feet!
Kreacher has a Halloween gift
for Mundungus Fletcher!!
(heh, heh)
 Head
Sir Nick to Preside over 777th
Headless Hunt Festivities
The 777th edition of the ghostly Headless Hunt will
be held at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and
Wizardry this year. To commemorate this special
event, festivities have been planned for the entire
Halloween weekend. In an unexpected and
unprecedented act of goodwill, Headless Hunt
chairman Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore has invited
Gryffindor ghost Sir Nicholas de Mimsy Porpington,
also known as Nearly Headless Nick, to participate
in the event.
“Couldn’t actually let him join of course,” bellows
Sir Patrick’s head from under the piano, “what with
his head only partially severed, but old Nick has
always known how to throw a good party, so we
asked him to organise the thing. Saves us having to
do it ourselves, haha!”
Next to being the event planner, Sir Nick has
also been invited to appear as guest referee at both
Head Polo and Horseback Head-Juggling.
“It’s a very important job, of course,” says Sir
Nick while puffing up his chest, his head wobbling
precariously. “Besides, no one knows more about
the rules of the Hunt than I do.” Sir Nick’s quest to
be included in the Hunt has been well publicised. He
has spent countless nights in Hogwarts Library
researching the history and rules of the Hunt in order
to find a loophole that would allow him to join. He
has even gone as far as to have the remainder of his
neck officially measured.
“Well under half an inch,” he tells us,
self-consciously adjusting his ruff to hide the heinous
wound from our scrutiny. “Well under half an inch!
That is even less than I always thought! And still
they won’t let me join! Asking me to referee really is
the least they could do.”
Details of the festivities are being kept top
secret, but it is rumoured that the house elf Stinky,
famous chef de cuisine of Le Fantôme restaurant in
South Wales, will be brought in to do the catering
and is already working on his signature dish:
Thousand Year Old Tripe, prepared according to
traditional Chinese recipe.
When asked if it is true that famous headless
beauty Anne Boleyn is to attend the festivities, Sir
Nick mutters gruffly “well she’s invited of course, but
I doubt she will show her face. I’ve written to her no
fewer than forty-seven times over the past centuries
and she has never once replied.” Our reporter subtly
tries to suggest that maybe the former Queen of
England may be a little bit out of his league, but Sir
Nick sniffs haughtily and says “That is not what this
is about!” before stalking off through the marble
staircase.
The festivities kick off at 7 pm on Friday in the
Great Hall at Hogwarts. Tickets range from 2
Galleons, 1 Sickle per individual event to 17
Galleons, 5 Sickles for the whole weekend and are
still available from Flourish & Blotts, Scrivenshaft’s
and directly from Hogwarts, please contact Winky.
-- SeverineSnape
lines
Head of the Headless Hunt Now Headless
BREAKING NEWS! Every now and again people have
thought the chairman of the Headless Hunt, Sir Patrick
Delaney-Podmore, has lost his head completely, after
some very unpopular decisions of his. AND NOW HE
HAS!!!
As the Headless Hunters started to arrive at Hogwarts
in preparation for the festivities, wreaking havoc left,
right and centre on Nearly-Headless Nick’s last-minute
arrangements, he came up with a new game to get
everyone outside and enjoying the autumn sunshine:
Ghost Golf on a Muggle golf course some miles from
Hogwarts across the lake. The Hunters all joined the
game, spreading out over the golf course and enjoying
themselves to the hilt in front of an audience of the
Hogwartsian ghosts and Peeves. Sir Patrick himself,
who bragged about his great skills, set out to play from
the 11th hole, a so called bunker.
It was a while before the party realised no one had
heard from Sir Patrick in quite some time. He was found
down in the bunker, trying to shift sand through his
fingers, apparently looking for his lost head!!!
Eventually all Hunters and House ghosts participated in
the Head Hunt, while Peeves was singing happy songs
from quite some height. Sir Patrick himself, lost of
thought, shoulders slumped, sat on a stone. Moaning
Myrtle spent most of the afternoon by his side, assuring
him it was going to be all right, but unfortunately her
comfort seemed to fall on deaf ears. No one saw hide
nor hair of the head, nor was it heard of all afternoon!
As darkness came, the ghosts had to abandon the
search and return to the castle.
Nearly-Headless Nick could be seen making the
hardest efforts of them all to retrieve the head during
the afternoon. He made a valiant attempt at sounding
sober, concerned and solemn as he commented thus:
“It only took 517 years to see the benefits of less than
half an inch to hold your head somewhat in place.” He
later admitted that it would have been a dream to be
able to present Sir Patrick’s head to him on a silver
plate! Alas, it was not to be, as the head has, so far, not
been found.
Peeves, of course, lost no time in telling everyone
whose idea the Ghost Golf Tour had been in the first
place:
" 'I can't be picky',
thought our old Nick-y
putting Sir Patrick's head,
down on a hidden bed!
He throws this stunt,
to get into the Hunt,
when they are a head short,
Nick-y thinks he can join the sport!
TEE HEE HEE!”
To Peeves' obvious disappointment, however, these
verses did not lead to the Hunters, with Sir Patrick in the
lead, hunting poor Nick all around the castle with silvery
axes in their hands. Instead Sir Patrick acted as though
he hadn't heard any of it (but then, how could he,
without his head!), and made no moves to hunt Nick
down. The other Hunters were much subdued as well
and were, for once, not at all keen to let their heads out
of arms length.
While the head’s whereabouts remains a mystery, the
Head of the Headless Hunt has taken his Headlessness
to a new dimension!
~ Evreka

Head
Lines
( -cont.- )
The History of the Headless Hunt
Adapted by SeverineSnape from Ghostly Games, Sports and other Leisure Activities by
Professor Cuthbert Binns.
As reported elsewhere in this issue, the Headless Hunt, one of the most
prestigious ghostly associations in Great Britain, reaches the respectable age of
seven hundred and seventy-seven years this year. As seven hundred and
seventy-seven is an important magical milestone, we at The Quibbler thought it
appropriate to take a moment to remember the Hunt’s colourful history.
The happy event coincides with the re-release of Professor Cuthbert Binns’s
iconic series of history books entitled A Brief and Succinct Summarization of the
History of British Ghostdom in the Modern Age, which has finally gone into second
print (I believe the other copy belongs to Mrs H. Weasley). To mark the occasion,
Professor Binns has added nine new volumes to the series, on topics ranging from
“Euro-Ghostly Relations in the 20th Century” to “Myth, Legend and Folklore – The
Misrepresentation of Ghostkind in Classic and Modern Literature.” Volume 57 of
the series is dedicated to Ghostly Games, Sports and other Leisure Activities and
contains twelve chapters on the Headless Hunt, which, when you sort the wheat
from the chaff, make surprisingly interesting reading!
Halifax Hattie
There are many legends about the origins of the Headless Hunt, all forty-three of
which are described by Binns in great detail. However, the Hunt has taken its
official date of origin from the first written record of a Headless Hunt, which is in
the personal diaries of Sir Hunter Hadley-Huntington, knight to the Lord of the
Manor of Halifax in 1232 AD.
In 1232, Hunter was a young man about to be married. His bride was a beautiful
Scottish maiden going by the name of Harriet “Hattie” Headaway. Hattie’s beauty
was legendary. It is suspected that she was of Veela descent, as whenever she rode
by all men who saw her would lose their heads and fight each other for her
attention. What magical child does not know the counting rhyme “The lovely
maiden Hattie / Made each man lose his head / When she rode by / All heads
would fly / Flib-gib and you are dead!” – with the person being pointed at on the
word “dead” being the proverbial “it”? It is also no coincidence that both the
Halifax Gibbet and the Scottish Maiden are early types of guillotine!
According to Hunter’s diary, Hattie looked so ravishing on their wedding day (23
October 1232) that riots broke out all over Halifax. Men of all ages fought each
other with spades, axes and scythes for days on end. The rioting did not diminish in
any way when after three days most men were dead! Man and beast, ghost and
living kept fighting with inexhaustible vigour, not listening to force or reason. At
one point young Hunter climbed onto the roof of the town hall and exclaimed
“peasants, serfs and freemen, both living and deceased, I beseech you to put down
your arms and cease this headless hunt for the favours of my lovely Hattie!”
The rioters finally dropped their arms (and some their heads and other body
parts) on 31 October when Hunter took his new bride and moved to the Outer
Hebrides, where they lived a long and happy life together. The citizens of Halifax
slowly emerged from their frenzied trance, took stock of the situation and realised
they were all dead! Being able to see the humour in the situation they decided to
celebrate the incident on 31 October each year with games and activities, an event
they called Hattie’s Hunt.
Be He ‘Live or Be He Dead?
Contrary to popular belief, only a small number of men had actually been
beheaded in the riots. According to Binns it is also not true that the surviving rioters
were punished for their role in the uproar and executed by Halifax Gibbet. The
original Hattie’s Hunt celebrations were therefore not exclusively for the headless,
but were enjoyed by people from all walks of life (and death): living or ghost, wizard
or Muggle, headed or headless!
However, this utopia did not last long. There were many tensions between the
living and the dead as each accused the other of cheating during the games. Things
finally came to a head in 1247 over a game called “Hide the Head”. For this game, a
pig or goat’s head was hidden in the woods and had to be retrieved. As the
undergrowth could be very thick, it was often difficult to find the head. Ghosts had a
clear advantage in this game as they could easily move and see through the
vegetation. Fed up with the situation, a young man known as Noggin brought his
dog to the game and set it loose.
The dog darted off and sniffed out the head before the ghosts could even get their
heads together. Now it was the ghosts’ turn to be the physical world. A heated
argument ensuedduring which the living and dead officially parted ways. The living
celebrated a “Hatless Hunt” for several years after, but this was gradually
incorporated into the now more common Halloween celebrations. The ghosts of
Halifax, however, united and baptised themselves Halifax Hattie’s Headless Hunt.
To Head or Not to Head? That is the Question
In the centuries following, Halifax Hattie’s Headless Hunt, abbreviated to The
Headless Hunt by the late 14th century, became a well known and very prominent
ghostly society, even surpassing the Ghosts Templar in prestige. Rules and inclusion
criteria changed gradually, but I will simply refer you to chapters 6 through 8 of
volume 57 of Binns’s series for the details.
As with pretty much everything else in England, the Hunt underwent many rapid
and dramatic changes during and following the reign of Henry VIII in the 16th
century. As all who attended Professor Binns’s classes at Hogwarts will know, Henry
VIII was a Squib, which was a major cause of his notoriously short temper,
particularly with those who did possess magical qualities. This is also thought to
have been a contributing factor in his initial attraction to, and later break with Anne
Boleyn, his second wife. Anne was descended from a long line of alchemists and
seers, but was cunning at hiding her own magical abilities. The king, believing she
too was a Squib, thought he had found a kindred spirit. He rapidly lost interest in
her when she not only failed to produce a male heir, but also revealed herself to be
a very powerful witch indeed. She was sentenced to death by “burning at the stake
or beheading, according to the King’s wishes” on fabricated charges of high
treason.
Although Muggles believe that Henry decided on the much quicker and less
painful beheading out of mercy, many wizarding historians believe that he knew
that burning a witch at the stake merely results in a “pleasant tickling sensation.”
Queen Anne instantly seized leadership of the Hunt and implemented many new
rules. Not wishing to associate herself with lesser immortals, she decreed that only
“magical and fully decapitated nobility” would be allowed to be part of the Hunt
from then on. This brought on a whole new set of problems, as a string of headless
queens arrived in the decades following, none of whom was willing to accept any of
the others as supreme leader. The Hunt was thrown into complete chaos.
Order was restored in 1618 with the arrival of famous alchemist, explorer, poet
and favourite of queens, Sir Walter Raleigh. Raleigh flattered and appeased the
quartet of queens, convinced them to let him do their dirty work and took over the
leadership of the Hunt, a position he held for nearly two centuries. During his
leadership he reversed many of the decisions made by Queen Anne and re-opened
the Hunt to commoners and Muggles. (Raleigh was the ghosting representative at
the summit meeting of the International Confederation of Wizards in 1692, when
the International Statute of Secrecy went into effect. It was he who pushed for
clause 33.7b to be included in the Statute, which states that the Statute may be
breached for those few Muggles who manage to become ghosts after their
passing.) One of Queen Anne’s legacies that remain in place today is the rule that
any member of the Hunt “must be able to hold his head at arm’s length.”
As an interesting side note, the quartet of headless queens and their courtiers,
not entirely happy with the re-entry of commoners into the Hunt, separated into a
headless splinter faction they named the “Queen of Swords Club.” They still play
cards and board games on Thursdays. Due to their constant bickering, no one ever
has been officially appointed to head the organisation. Mary Queen of Scots ruled
for a few decades but was dethroned when she was caught sending coded
messages to her Bridge partners. Lady Jane Grey only ruled for nine days. Queen
Katherine Howard, Henry VIII’s fifth wife, has won the coveted position a few times,
but really she is mainly interested in catching the attention of the male members of
the club. Her current Euchre partner is George Boleyn, who refuses to play with his
wife Jane, as Jane keeps accusing him and his sister Anne of cheating. However, it is
strongly suspected that Jane herself deliberately keeps losing her head during the
game, so that she can look at people’s cards from under the table.
The Headless Hunt Today
The Headless Hunt has not changed much since the Raleigh days. In fact, Sir
Patrick Delaney-Podmore, Raleigh’s successor, still strictly adheres to the Raleigh
Rules. However, under Sir Patrick’s leadership, the Hunt has lost some of its
prestige. It has even been described by some historians as “a rowdy bunch of
riotous rascals.” Sir Patrick himself, however, claims that he simply wants to remain
true to the Hunt’s more free spirited origins.
~SeverineSnape
Further reading:
Binns, Cuthbert. A Brief and Succinct Summarization of the History of British Ghostdom in
the Modern Age. Hogsmeade: Hogwarts Academic Press, 1973. Volume 57, chapters 3-14,
pp 1461-4001.
Tremble for Teethed Tentaculas
Are you looking for a new and original way to
decorate your house for Halloween? Is your house
free from toddlers? And you’re a reasonably
accomplished Herbologist? Then the Hot
Herbologists, Diagon Alley 71, has just the treat
for you: Venomous Tentaculas, just teethed.
I mean to say everyone has pumpkins for
Halloween, which just sit there, making faces at
you. These sweet flowers will set the tone of the
event so much more accurately!” Miss Seed,
owner of the shop, says. “This latest snap of
Venomous Tentaculas are only just teething, a
process soon to be finished. The one on the far
right is actually just ready for finding a new home
and owner to bite *cough* bloom for. And the
others will very soon be ripe for a move too.”
While the plants do look perfect for the
Halloween decorations, there have been whispers
of how buying these particular flowers might mean
you’re biting off a bit more than you can chew!
Mr Yea Loss, whose niece bought one from the
first bunch, wishes to interject a few words of
caution. “These flowers seem to have been
tampered with! Normally the bite of a Venomous
Tentacula will leave an itching spot for a few
days with no more lasting effects, but these
itching bites seems to come with a strange urge
to grow Mandragoras. My niece has never been
into breeding before, but now all she talks about
is how to get more young plants and what
fertiliser works best on them! She’s also taken all
her guests to admire her new Tentacula and all
that have been bitten by it have also taken up this
strange new interest.” Mr Loss’ investigation shows
that Miss Seed spent most of the summer with her
good friend Hilda Herb, who has become quite
obsessed with breeding Mandragoras for a rescue
operation that The Quibbler told you all about in
June last year.
Miss Seed just shrugs off the accusation with a
scowl and claims that Mr Loss is famous for
blaming any innocent thing when something doesn’t
make sense to him. “Just look at how he blamed
the Hogwarts Express for Ravenclaw not winning the
House Cup! Really, that man is just over the top…
and now he has turned on our poor plants!
Innocent as roses they are…” she says with a steely
glint in her eyes.
The Quibbler, while applauding this new decoration
idea, also advises its readers to take special care
around these plants, you never know what their
seeds look like. After all, roses can hurt you too….
~ Evreka
 Niffler Escape! Improving Mermaid Relations
The Quibbler wants to alert the Wizarding By: Clare Fogarty
World that there are Nifflers loose in the
Muggle world. Nifflers, as all witches and For years Albus Dumbledore was friends with
wizards know, are fluffy, black and long- the mermaids who live in the lake on the
snouted. They are very good at finding gold, grounds of Hogwarts. But recently the mer-
and love glittery items. maids have grown restless. There has been
tension between mermaids and wizards and
The picture below shows the remains of the witches for years but it has finally become out
well known jewellers Expensive Tastes after of control. Young mermaids have been squeez-
a Niffler attacked. The Niffler escaped from ing up into Hogwarts through the plumbing,
its goblin owner, Hoppity, while on a secret scaring students and a certain ghost that
mission. There can be no coincidence that resides in one of the girls’ lavatories. The young
there was a attempted break-in at the Bank mermaids’ parents are doing nothing to control
of England before the Niffler attacked. their young.
Hermione Weasley, Head of the Department of
If the Niffler is found by a Muggle, it may be Magical Law Enforcement, has returned to
mistaken for a new breed of Muggle dog. Hogwarts to try and promote some sort of
On no account must the Niffler be allowed peaceful understanding with the mermaids
to be kept in a house, as it will destroy about what is to be done. As Mrs H. Weasley is
everything in sight. If the Niffler is captured, also the former Head of the Department for
the Regulation and Control of Magical Crea-
please take it to the Magical Menagerie or
to Rubeus Hagrid at Hogwarts School of tures, the Minister deemed her to be the ideal The Leaky Cauldron,
person to take care of this issue.
Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Since Albus Dumbledore died, mermaid rela- London
~ JaneMarple9 tions have greatly worsened. Albus Dumbledore
was very talented at speaking Mermish but
very few others know how. As such Hogwarts is
now going to offer mermaid as a language
elective.
Mrs H. Weasley has scheduled a meeting with
the mermaids’ chieftainness in December to
discuss better relations. Until then a charm
has been put on the plumbing of Hogwarts to
keep the mermaids from sneaking up it from
the lake. Mrs H. Weasley who, thankfully, is
experienced in speaking Mermish, has reas-
sured the mermaid community that this is only
until the relationships between mermaids and
wizards has been discussed.
Students have been banned from venturing too
close to the edge of the lake because of the
risk of mermaid attacks. They are also being
prevented from casting spells on the mer-
maids, as the teachers don’t want to encour-
age the mistreatment of magical creatures.
We all hope that the problems between wizards
and mermaids will soon be resolved.

Murdock’s
Muggle Artifacts
--
We Buy and Sell
Muggle Curiosities.
38 1/3 Diagon Alley,
London
Guaranteed free of Curses and Charms
 Dear Xeno:
Dear Mr Lovegood:
Our Readers Speak!
Would you please come to the main office of
Gobports International, in the London financial
district? One of your Quibbler employees, Mr
Mundungus Fletcher, has taken up residence in
the main lobby and is causing us great financial
harm.
As you know, Gobports (Goblin Imports and
Exports) is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Gringotts,
involved in the import and export of a wide range The Chosen One
of wizarding materials and products ranging from
simple herbs to finely crafted wands, enchanted Dear Chosen:
doors, and other products.
Last week a goblin NOT employed by Gobports
approached Mr Fletcher about an unpaid debt.
Mr Fletcher became irate and began shouting
epithets at goblins in general. He immediately
went to our main office in the financial district and
began abusing our customers, wizards and
goblins alike, demanding money from some and
offering dodgy business deals to others. He has
been is sleeping on the sofa in the lobby and has
ruined the fine goblin-crafted, Italian leather
upholstery. Business is dropping off drastically.
But it isn't just his annoying behaviour that is
troublesome. Quite frankly, he emits a foul odor
that even our human customers object to. He
smells like, well, like dung. Goblins have a much
keener sense of smell than humans. For us this
condition is intolerable.
We will gladly pay you twenty Galleons if you will
remove him from the premises. We would do so
by force, except that during the Halloween
season goblin-human relations are always
strained and we do not wish to be perceived as
taking unnecessary action against a human.
Nevertheless, if he is not removed quickly, he will
be returned to your office slowly, apparated in
parts over the course of several days.
Yours Sincerely,
Hothbarthin
Chief Executive Officer,
Gobports International, London.
Dear Xeno,
As part of the Ministry of Magic's plan to
silence you, fake Quibblers are being
circulated by the-leaky-cauldron.org. These
are a very low class publication apparently
produced by Muggles. It is easy to detect
the fakes, because the pictures do not move.
----
(Interesting name--isn’t there a Reservoir in
Eastern Asia with that name?)
Clearly you are Muggle-born or related to
Muggle-born wizards or Squibs. It is wonderful
that you have discovered our Special Edition,
printed for distribution among non-magical
family members of Muggle-born witches and
wizards. Because they are already aware of the
existence of the Wizarding world, distributing
The Quibbler to them does not constitute a
violation of the International Secrecy Act.
When we first began circulating The Quibbler
among non-Magical folks who are already
aware of the Wizarding World a little over a year
ago, a great many readers found it difficult to
use the special tickmologee we had to use to
get the moving pictures to them over the
intergermet thingee. I don’t know how it works,
but some of the Quibblets on staff understand
it--some kind of charm called “Flash” (I think).
We quit using that charm because, even
though it required no wand and no actual
magical abilities, many Muggles could not follow
the attached instructions for making the Flash
charm begin. We were afraid that this inability
might create resentment or jealousies among
family members, who initially began reading
The Quibbler in an effort to understand the
wizarding world. Clearly, content was more
important than imagery for them.
So, no, it isn’t a Ministry plot in this case. In
fact, we have had to struggle mightly against
the Muggle-hating prejudice of many Ministry
officials to keep this Special Edition going.
Yours in the pursuit of Toleration,
Xeno
Dear Editor,
Time and time again I've heard you talk about
these so-called crumple-horned shortnacks, or
whatever they are called, but do you have any
proof that these creatures are real?
I've never found anything in Fantastic Beasts
and Where to Find Them or in anything about
magical creatures.
Have you ever even seen one? I feel for your poor
daughter, who must have been teased every day
in Hogwarts because of your crazy made-up
beings.
My sister even told me that your house blew up
many years ago because you thought you had the
horn of one of these shortnacks, and it was really
a Emperment horn.
You have put your daughter in real danger, and
I think it must stop at least until you are able to
find a Crumple-horned Shortnack.
Jeni Parkenson
My Dear Ms Parkenson:
Let us examine some of your ideas with Ravenclaw
tenacity, beginning with the last sentence.
You tell me to quit looking for Snorkacks until I am
able to find a Snorkack. Does this not strike you as
logical nonsense? How is one to find a thing unless one
looks?
The same principle applies to your questions at the
beginning of your letter. You want proof of a thing
before beginning exploration but one cannot seek Truth
without believing Truth exists. Clearly this is a formula
for complete inactivity. None of us know with certainty
that we will succeed at anything before we begin. By
that standard we would never get out of bed in the
morning because there is no certainty that the day will
end as we expect, or even that we will live through the
day. No, faith in the outcome must come first, or
there can be no outcome.
So, it is clear that you are neither Ravenclaw nor
Gryffindor.
As far as the partial destruction of my home is
concerned, I recommend not repeating rumours. There
were a number of very violent Death Eaters present,
Dark Wizards who were known for destroying homes,
bridges, buildings, and lives. I maintain that it was
their evil spells that destroyed my home, along with my
precious Snorkack horn. No, I insist that it was not a
the horn of an Erumpent but that of a Snorkack. Nor
did I put my daughter in any greater danger than she
already was in — since she had already been captured
by Voldemort‛s evil companions. I am just grateful that
Harry Potter and his companions were available to help
her. Even more, I am eternally grateful to the
magnificent Dobby, who gave his life rescuing them all
from the Malfoy basement where Death was certain.
Dobby did not ponder whether or not he would succeed
at the rescue before he began. He just began,
believing in the right thing because it is right, not
caring about social approval.
I speak of social approval because you seem to think
that Luna suffered because others think as you think.
But Luna has always been more concerned with truth
than popularity.
However, I do suspect that you will have a great
career as a Ministry of Magic official. You have the
kind of faith in established order and desire for social
approval and acceptance that can lead to a successful
political career.
Yours in the pursuit of books,
Xeno
Dear Xeno!
I came by a new experience recently, taking the advice from a “good
friend” – or not. Anyway, I was talked into trying this much
recommended way of mind travelling: reading a book! With you
Ravenclaws always going on about how important it is to read, I
decided to give it a go… And now you’ve got to help me! I have since
started on three of these “Bookworm Books”, and consequently lost
all my usual peace of mind. Instead of concentrating on my work and
garden, my thoughts now constantly travel between Kenya and India
and the North Pole, whether I have these wretched items in front of
me or not! How do I make it stop? You must help me before my poor
brain splinches itself!
Help!
Mr R Abid
Greetings,
How lovely that you should use the word "splinched" to
express your fears about the effects of reading.
Instinctively, you have recognised one of the most
remarkable elements of reading: reading is a magic form of
travel. Few people have expressed this more clearly than
the famous poet, Emily Witchenson:
There is no Broomstick like a Book
To take us Lands away
Nor any Knight Bus like a Page
Of whirling Poe tr y –
As a new reader you have discovered that books, like
Apparation, can instantly take you far away, and like many
neophytes at Apparition you fear being in two places at
once.
Let me suggest, however, a different metaphor: the Floo
Network. It too brings us rapid transportation, and it too
gives a slightly uneasy sensation at first. Yet, I know of no
one harmed by being in two places at once. In fact, that is
one of the more valuable aspects of Floo Powder: your
head can be in a London kitchen while your feet remain in a
Hogwarts office. You will eventually find this to be one of
the most endearing qualities of books. Sitting quietly at
home, you can travel deep into the Forbidden Forest.
Even more remarkable, a book surpasses any Time
Turner. A Time Turner can only put us in different places
at the same time, but a book can put us into two different
times at the same time. And more — a book enables you to
become an Polymorphic Animagus; like "Wart" (young King
Arthur) you can become fish and hawk and common
squirrel. Yes, it is only natural that the thought of all this
should seem a bit overwhelming at first. In truth, it
actually IS overwhelming.
Books — a magic greater than anything taught in
Hogwarts, greater than anything understood by the
Ministry's Department of Mysteries. KEEP READING!
Yours in the pursuit of books,
Xeno
http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org/features/crafts
Dear Luna!
I have this beautiful and completely
faithful hand made water pump in my
garden. It will soon turn 100 years old,
and I want to show it our appreciation. It
has served my family and me so well all
these years, but it always looks so lonely
in our garden. And now, as the holidays
are coming up and everyone joins with
their families I’ve been thinking…
Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could bring
some family to it? So, please, Luna, let me
know where I can find some pump kin for
it!
Sincerely
Mrs Weldon
Dear Mrs Weldon-
It's wonderful that you have a
great piece of history in your garden
and now you want to honour it. I've
always loved pieces from the past. The
witches and wizards who made them
used to put fun enchantments on
some of their work that you wouldn't
find out until you got home. I
remember my neighbors bought
themselves a pond that would squirt
anyone who tried putting any type of
plant life in it.
To honor a garden pump I would
start with some flowers. I would
suggest Chinese Chomping Cabbages
as they would protect the water pump
from any dangers that may want to
harm it. Then, I'd see if you can try to
contact the relatives of the maker and
see if they are still in the water pump
business. I love the idea of a pump
kin. Maybe you could ask see if they
could make another one. Maybe
instead of water, this one could
always dispense butter beer, or your
favourite drink.
Make sure to treat yourself to
pudding-
Luna
Dear
Luna
Dear Luna,
I'm writing to you to ask for your help with a bit of an
annoying issue I've been having. For the last week or so, my
teeth have been flying out of my mouth at random. The first
time this happened I was watching my favourite programme
on the telly, when my front tooth suddenly shot out of my
mouth! It hit my poor hubby on the nose, leaving a nasty scar
that unfortunately hasn't healed. Then, one of my molars lept
out of my mouth whilst I was cleaning the loo; it ricocheted
off of the wall and about near tore my eye out! I don't know
why this is happening to me, but I'm quickly becoming
toothless. I don't know of anyone who has ever had this
problem. Please be assured that I am in fact a sane person, or
at least I thought I was. I would appreciate any advice you can
give me.
Sincerely,
Dentina Lophodont
Dear Dentina Lophodont-
What is this "telly" you speak of? I have
heard that there are wizards and witches
who have taken to some Muggle things, I
wonder if this is what it is? Well, if I were to
guess, I'm going to guess that a telly is a type
of mind control device. I've heard of a lot of
Muggles "watching" this over and over and
not being able to stop. Some are forced to sit
in front of this "telly" every Tuesday night for
some insane reason. I'm guessing that your
teeth have also become addicted to this telly
and do not like the fact that you leave it so
are jumping out of your mouth to stay
connected with it at all times. I hear that
your two front teeth are the most susceptible
to addictions.
I'd turn off the telly for the time being and
turn your attention to farming. I hear that
Thestral farming is making a come back.
Remember to treat yourself to pudding-
Luna
Dear Luna,
Since I moved into a new house two months ago
I've been having a spot of bother with the
resident ghost - a warlock named Gerald. From
the moment I stepped foot into the house Gerald
took an instant dislike to me and seems to have
made it his goal in the afterlife to make my
existence in the physical world as miserable as
possible. He is rude and insulting, sings
drinking songs through the night, and has
already driven my new neighbours away by
making up lies about my hygiene and repeating
them at the top of his voice whenever someone
comes to visit.
What should I do? Should I expel him from my
house, or attempt to heal this rift between us so
that we may exist in harmony together?
Sincerely,
Ami Able
Dear Ami Able-
I think that I will pass this one along
to one of my favorite ghosts, Peeves the
Poltergeist to answer this question.
Luna
Dear Readers: As you may recall, last To ‘Disappointed’ of Maybelline the fates say this:
month Sybill Trelawney Used her powers He is a nitwit collecting every kind of oddment.
to answere some letters that were going If he carries on like this feel free to blubber and
give his nose a tweak. The Fates also mention I
to be delayed by a storm. Those letters should tell you a famous quote from Luna
have now arrived. For your convenience Lovegood, but her natural talents of Divination
we are reprinting Sybill’s replies: were corrupted by her classes with Dobbin
My dears, while I was sitting in my tower
the twists of fate and the Inner Eye moved
me to reach out to the readers of The
Quibbler and help them in their moments of
trial even though their letters would arrive
at the offices too late for timeous publication.
Therefore I have heeded the Fates and give
the following advice:
To ‘Concerned’ from Trainvue the Fates have
prompted me to say:
The chillies you seek may be replaced with
the ‘Salt of Petra’. I’m sure if you go
around to this Petra and ask, she’d be
happy to help. My dear, I have read the
cards and I am sure the social occasion in
your future will go off with a bang. The
Fates also mention you should have
pudding. I don’t know why, they don’t
illuminate everything in this case.
To ‘Vexed’ of Burning Anger I have this
advice:
The Fates inform me you have a problem
with a relative. My mother has always
said that the best way to handle difficult
in-laws is to hit them with something they
gave you. I remember the time she nearly
concussed my uncle Flavius with a large
feather pillow he had given her as a
wedding present. They still laugh about it
today. Once again, I am compelled to
recommend puddings.
Dear Luna,
I hope you can help me. I would very much like to join
the Headless Hunt, but there is the small problem that I
am not properly beheaded.
The accident happened many years ago, and I only have
myself to blame. I was trying to get rid of a jinxed scarf,
which was slowly getting tighter around my neck. I used a
severing charm, but it went a little wrong. I got rid of the
scarf, but accidently severed myself too. My head is still
attached to my body – but only just. It isn’t noticeable
when I wear ruffs.
I know my friend, Nick, had trouble joining the
Headless Hunt, and has the same problem as me. Hoping
you have some advice for me,
Yours in anticipation
Hunter Wannabe
Dear Hunter Wannabe-
I see your issue here. I'm fascinated by
the importance of the Headless Hunt. I
wonder if there are footless hunts or
armless hunts out there? I wonder what
could be said about a toeless hunt. I would
think that a toe would be harder to find
than a head, thus making the game more
difficult. I think that you should contact
Nick and start a Nearly Headless Hunt. I
don't know what you would go looking for,
but it sounds like it would be a blast. You
may want to also include those nearly
armless people as well.
Remember to treat yourself to some
pudding-
Luna
Firenze, so I cannot think what she may have
said.
That is all I have been shown by my Inner Eye; I
am sure in the future more will be revealed and I
assure you I will be happy to share my insights
then.
Sybill Trelawney
Here are the letters that finally arrived.
Thank you very much, Sybill, for helping our
readers in their time of need!!
Dear Luna
I write to you in the hope that you can give me some advice. My
uncle is coming from Mexico next week to stay for a month, and is
bringing his pet Fire Crab ‘Smokey’ along. Unfortunately Smokey
usually eats charcoal, fresh habanera chillies, and sulphur pellets,
but unfortunately I cannot source fresh chillies anywhere this time
of year. What can I replace them with?
Concerned, Railview
***
Dear Luna
I am furious with my brother-in-law. He has sold my husband a
‘Magical Golden Koi’ which turned out to be a common trout
with a colouring charm. Does the trout have any magical use at
all?
Angry, Charring Cross
***
Dear Luna
My boyfriend has, as of late, started quoting Dumbledore instead
of the wonderful love poetry he used to write to me. What should
I do?
Disillusioned, Avon
 ?
? Feed your Brain on
?
Quibbler Puzzles ?
Each rune matches one letter. (As they are magical runes, the rune “alphabet”

?
has rearranged itself since last time.) What do the runes tell us in plain, normal
letters? Be first to post the correct solution here at Leaky Lounge:
http://www.leakylounge.com/Puzzle-Posts-t67123.html

?
The runes are all pumpkin coloured, or in other words; the full stops(.) and
hyphens(-) are NOT part of the runes, but used as usual.

Think you’ve got

what it takes?

Congratulations to all Puzzle Solvers of our Septem-

ber Issue (which came up 2 October due to Swine
Flu and suspiciously Vanishing News Editors.
Special congratulations to:
Fabian_Prewett who was first to post the solution
to the Pranksters Logic, although omitting the
explanation. And also posted a correct solution to
the Rune Sudoku, by way of describing the sym-
bols.
Retrograde15 who got the hidden crossword crea-
ture!
greatpetie83 who was first to solve the Rune Riddle
and first to find the hidden word in the Rune
Sudoku.
And finally... to Bandersnatch who was first to
provide the explanation to the Pranksters Logic,
along with the solution)!

? Can you spot the 5 differences ?

Congratulations to all!

Post your observations http://www.leakylounge.com/Puzzle-Posts-t67123.html

 Read the blue cells from top to bottom:
If you have solved the Rune Riddle, they form a name (from HP),
otherwise, you can describe the symbols found in these cells.

Be first to post the correct solution here:

http://www.leakylounge.com/Puzzle-Posts-t67123.html

Unscramble the letters in the blue cells to spell a word. Be

first to post this word here:
http://www.leakylounge.com/Puzzle-Posts-t67123.html

ACROSS
A 5-6 Initials for a God son.
B 1-8 He met Death at twilight
B 10 - 11 E (turns) Might be used for torture.
D 1-6 Not a very happy ghost.
D 8-11 You don't want to be behind this!
E 10-11 Initials for a Marauder.
F 1-5 Touched a necklace too many.
F 7-10 "I must not tell lies" is this nowadays.
G 10-11 Initials for a Prefect in Harry's year.
H 1-5 Fluffy has three such.
H 8-11 Harry to Dan Radcliffe.
I 6-11 T he students at Hogwarts - or other schools.
J 1-5 Celebration on a Death Day.
K 8-10 Big D to Petunia.
L 10-11 Initials for Ron's ex-girlfriend.
DOWN
1 B-H Common decoration at this time of year.
1 I-J Initials for Harry's wife.
1K-L7 (turns)Such a tree exists.
2 A-B Initials for a traitor or how Harry refers to himself.
3 B-L Don't try this if you got secrets!
4 J-L Such a dance was seen at the Duelling Club.
5 A-E Seen at Hogwarts during Harry's first year.
5 F-J Written homework, for example on Wendelin the Weird and witch burnings.
6 A-B Initials for the young girl Snape loved.
6 I-L Chess piece.
8 B-K Became a very abrupt wake-up call for Ron once.
10 B-I Two-faced wizard.
10 K-L Initials for a wizard, born when the 7th month dies.
11 G-J Mrs Scower has a magical remover for this!

Have you seen this Wizard?

Unregisterd Animagus, suspected of
livestock theft and trading in controlled and
dangerous magical species.

Last seen in the area of Inverness.

Considered to be dangerous. Do not attempt

to apprehend alone. Contact the Ministry of
Magic Immediately.

Substantial Reward Offered

 I walk to the door, and it is immediately opened by a very

episodes of uncontrolled apparation and his major loss of memory.

tall man with wearing a jet black cloak. The man is so

Where is Gilderoy?
very, very pale, with matching pale eyes. He welcomes me

If you think you can determine his location from this message,
Help return poor Gilderoy to St Mungo’s for treatment for his
into the sitting room, where he tells me to wait for his
master. I’m offered some wine while I wait, but oddly

please notify us so we can send the Healers to help him.

enough when I take a sip, the wine has a rather metallic

http://www.leakylounge.com/World-Gilderoy-Lockha-
taste, and the liquid itself is as dark as blood. The master

t63490.html&pid=1825392&st=10#entry1825392
enters the house, and he looks just as pale as the man who
opened the door for me. However, as he gives me a broad
smile, I notice that his teeth are quite large, pointy, rather
like fangs! Oh my!!! He tells me his name, but I can’t
understand him very well. Seems he is a Count, or some-
thing or other. He too is garbed entirely in black, when
really he should try a better color. I tell him that I’m
looking for a place to stay for the night and if he would be
so kind as to give me lodgings. For some reason this makes
the Count almost shout with glee, and he tells me that he
has room for me. So, I follow him to a dark cellar, deep
within the house, and *gasp* there are numerous coffins
lining the walls! As we approach, I see people sleeping
deeply inside them. Why these people should sleep in such
drab coffins is beyond me. Nice satin lining with lilac
bedspreads is the way to go! The Count tells me that he’ll
be happy to give me my own coffin, and the largest one
Godric‘s sword! Why on earth can’t I stay put?? It was so they have too!
extremely hot just a mere moment ago, and I‘m dizzy as
can be. I now find myself to be elsewhere…. It’s nighttime, But just as I’m ready to accept the Count’s offer, I try to
looks like there’s a full moon, and it’s stormy with a lot of tell him that I really must sew him a new cloak in velvet
thunder. My poor robes are getting soaked as I am being plum. For some reason, the Count looks aghast and calls
mercilessly pelted by enormous raindrops. And my golden his door man to show me out, as he starts shrieking and
locks are soaked. *Thunderclap* Woe is me, there’s so yelling at me. Suddenly, he rattles garlic and basil under
much lightning! my nose and shouts “Get out!! Get out!!” and “Get that
basil out of your teeth!!” Well, that's not the way to treat
I find myself in the middle of a graveyard. That’s a guest like me! I climb the stairs to leave with the Count
strange… It’s ghastly quiet and not a single soul can be at my heels, who has started throwing the garlic at my
found. Near me there’s a cave; perhaps I need to check it head! When I get to the sitting room, the Count's minions,
out to see if anyone is here so they can help me find my who have seated seem to be looking at me oddly. Perhaps
way. As I approach, I hear something……. Merlin’s pants, they are too shy to ask for my autograph, poor things.
what just flew by me. There’s another one; it’s furry with Gah! They're coming at me, with bared teeth, as if they
wings, dark eyes and….. Help! Bats!!!!!!!!! Oh no, those want to bite me. *Peskyvampires Pesternomi* !!
lousy critters are trying to bite me!! Blimey! One got me
on my buttock!! Well, I really must keep running for my dear life!!
I now seem to be on a cobblestone street now; with various
stores and pubs, surrounded by a hazy mist. The lights
shine brightly and in the near distance, I see a man
watching me. I don’t really want to be seen as I look
entirely too shabby, but I can’t find a hostel anywhere so
I can go in and freshen up. But there’s a nearby pub and
I could surely could use a stiffner. I go inside, and I sit
down at a table near the bar. I am served immediately, as
I should since I’m so very important and it’s wonderful
these people know so much about me. I’m served warm
soup, with a lot of garlic and parsley. Hmmm, there seems
to be too much garlic in it, but the pub owner has assured
me that they’ve served me the best soup the pub can offer.
And I’m much obliged, since surely I deserve this most
wonderful service.

After I’m finished, I go and try to find a hostel. The same

man whom I saw earlier in the street, comes up to me, and
offers a coach and four black horses to take me wherever I
please. This man looks a bit creepy, but he seems to want
to serve me, so I take him up on his offer. I enter the car-
riage, he closes the door and we’re off. We seem to be trav-
eling for a short while, when I begin to hear strange noises
in the distance. Are those werewolves I hear? Soon, I see we
are pulling up to an enormous house, surrounded by
many trees. The house looks a bit shabby, but it’s so very
grand. Well, of course it is; I’m so famous I can only be
taken to a grand house such as this.
 For Sale:
Parkin Two antique suits of goblin-made armour,
Description: A classic Yorkshire ginger cake -- a once owned by Hepzibah Smith, descendant
perfect accompaniment for a cup of tea, enjoyed of Helga Hufflepuff. These suits are very
by Wizards and Muggles alike. versatile, are self-cleaning and contain
Singing and Lumos Charms to illuminate
Ingredients dark corners and entertain on cold winter
225g/8oz self raising flour nights. They are also suitable for the
110g/4oz caster sugar
Piertotum Locomotor Charm for use in
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp bicarbonate of soda home defence. These suits have worked well
1 egg together as a pair for many years but may
200ml/7fl oz milk agree to being separated if necessary. Price
55g/2oz butter 500 Galleons. Enquiries to Zacharias Smith,
110g/4oz golden syrup c/o The Quibbler
Method
1. Preheat the oven to 150C/300F/Gas mark 2.
Line a 22cm/8in tin.
2. Sieve the flour, sugar, ginger and bicarbonate
of soda into a large bowl.
3. In a small pan gently heat the butter and syrup
until melted.
4. Beat the egg into the milk.
5. Gradually pour the butter and syrup into the
flour and stir. The mixture will be thick.
6. Pour in the egg and milk and stir until smooth.
Pour into the lined tin.
7. Bake for 1 hour.

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