Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on

everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to

result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes.
Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions
about matters that affect them.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Commented [AB1]: I would use a semi-colon here. It connects

Answer two full ideas while a comma doesn’t.

‘……on daily matters; some of them ….’

People perhaps have different views about allowing children to make their own
Commented [AB2]: ‘result in a few number of members in

society being selfish’ – you need +ing after ‘result + in’; in

other words after a preposition ‘in’.

decisions on daily matters, some of them think that this may result in a few
Commented [AB3]: ‘that it is….’ – you need ‘it’ here to refer

to the main idea.

number of members in society are selfish, whereas others think that is Commented [AB4]: Rather than repeating you could say – ‘I

agree with the latter idea / opinion’.

Commented [AB5]: ‘it’ – the ‘it’ referring to ‘allowing children

important. In my opinion, I believe that it is important for children.
to make their own decision’.

Commented [AB6]: ‘would lead to some individuals only to

think’ – ‘lead smb to + infinitive’.

e.g. That problem will lead us to spend more money.

Commented [AB7]: A synonym here might be ‘desires/ wants’.

There are several reasons why people might think that would lead to some
Commented [AB8]: ‘some of children’ – in a general

sentence use ‘some + noun’ – there is no ‘of’ here.

Commented [AB9]: ‘some children have’ – the verb goes

individuals only think about their own wishes. Firstly, some of children has
with the noun ‘children’ – ‘they’ = have.

Commented [AB10]: This idea is unclear –‘ some children

been taught to think about what they, and their parents usually will get it for have been taught to think about what they want’; or ‘some

children are made/ allowed to think about what they want’

Commented [AB11]: ‘will usually get’ – the adverb goes

them. Therefore, children always think they can get what they want without
between the modal verb ‘will’ and the main verb ‘get’’

Commented [AB12]: A little strong – use ‘generally / tend to/

appear to / seem to’ here.

 Commented [AB13]: ‘various kinds / pieces/ types of
compromise. Secondly, it depends on the rationale of each family. Children
information’ – the word ‘information’ is uncountable.

http://dictionary.cambridge.org/grammar/british-grammar/abou
may receive various of information about how to survive in such a competitive
t-nouns/nouns-countable-and-uncountable

Commented [AB14]: You need the noun here which is ‘advice’.

workplace. If parents give them proper advises, they perhaps will consider the
Commented [AB15]: This is the same as my previous comment

(AB11) –

difficulties in different way. ‘will perhaps consider’ – the adverb goes between the modal

and main verb.

Commented [AB16]: ‘a different way’ – use ‘a’ with an

adjective + singular noun combination.

Commented [AB17]: This idea does not seem to relate to the

idea that ‘children may act selfishly’ –

On the other hand, the opponents think that is a vital step to cultivate their

‘If parents give them proper advice, they will perhaps act
...

children to make their own choices. It is a advantage for them because they Commented [AB18]: ‘the opponents’ – no ‘the’ – you have a

plural noun.

Commented [AB19]: ‘that it is a vital step….’ The ‘that’ goes

learn to make decisions start form something small, such as food or color, to with ‘think’ but you still need to introduce the idea ‘to
...

Commented [AB20]: ‘that it is a vital step for parent to

cultivate …..’ – it was not clear ‘who’ in the sentence – it is vital

something big, such as a major subject or a career. Those children may learn ...

Commented [AB21]: ‘an advantage’

Commented [AB22]: ‘from’

how to response to their decisions at the same time. In addition, it is important
Commented [AB23]: This is a noun. You need a verb –

‘respond’.

Commented [AB24]: This idea is not clear – ‘. Those children

for all of children or adolescents that lives belong to themselves. Their parents
may learn how to quickly react to situations and make
...

Commented [AB25]: ‘that lives’ – no +s because you are

will not be with them forever, and they can understand the importance of referring to ‘they’ - children and adolescents.

Commented [AB26]: ‘adolescents that live to belong to

themselves’ – you need an extra 'to' here - 'it is important for

...
independence and responsibility though this matter.
Commented [AB27]: ‘on this matter’.
 Commented [AB28]: ‘this matter may have some

In conclusion, it could be detrimental effects in this matter. However, parents detrimental effects’.

Commented [AB29]: ‘play an important role in leading …..’

play an important role to lead their children to become an unselfish person.

Comments:

IELTS Marking Criteria My comments Band score

Task Fulfilment Addresses task quite well.

Presents a relevant
position throughout the
text. A very balanced essay 6.5
with some good points. A
couple of sentences are a
little unclear and this has
affected the meaning of the
text.
Cohesion and Coherence Sequences information and
ideas logically – all
information follows a
logical pattern where ideas
are exemplified and 7.0
supported but not all links
are clear. Mostly Good and
effective linking
throughout.
Lexical resource Uses a good range of
vocabulary fluently and
flexibly to convey
precise meanings skilfully 6.5
uses uncommon lexical
items. A good level of
 sophistication in the choice
of words. A couple of issues
with the word ‘advice’ and
‘information’ and ‘on this
matter’.
Grammatical Range Generally a good level of
and accuracy grammar but issues with
verb and noun agreement; 6.5
using a gerund after
prepositions ; and the
biggest issue: ‘it’ to
introduce an adjective ‘it is
a vital step to….’ and
articles.

Overall Score 6.5 – a good answer which just needs a bit more clarity in
some of the ideas. The missing ‘it’ is a problem and you need to remember
+ing after prepositions
(http://www.ef.co.uk/english-resources/english-grammar/gerund/)