Running head: NARCISSISTIC PARENTS 1

Narcissistic Parents Their Effect on Children’s Mental Health,

And The Recovery of Children of Narcissistic Parents

Nicole Vega

Hudson County Community College

Author Note

Nicole Vega, Psychology 101, Hudson County Community College.

Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Nicole

Vega, Psychology 101, Hudson County Community College, 49th Street Kennedy

Boulevard, Union City, NJ.

Contact: nveg3151@live.hccc.edu
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Abstract

This research examine three published articles that present information about the children of

narcissistic parent’s mental health and recovery. The three articles shows similar information, but

focus on different ways. The article “The Problem with Narcissistic Parents” (2009) focus on

demonstrate the effect of growing up with narcissistic parents. Meyers (2014), on the other hand,

focus more her article on the impact of narcissistic parents on their adult children’s relationships.

Finally, McKinnell (2008) focus on the recovery of daughters of narcissistic mothers.

Keywords: narcissistic parents, children of narcissists

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Narcissistic Parents Their Effect on Children’s Mental Health,

and The Recovery of Children of Narcissistic Parents

“To be a good father and mother requires that the parents defer many of their own needs

and desires in favor of the needs of their children. As a consequence of this sacrifice,

conscientious parents develop a nobility of character and learn to put into practice the selfless

truths taught by the Savior Himself” (Faust). When we hear the word “parents,” we imagine two

loving and caring beings. They are meant to be the two most important people in a child’s life. It

is difficult to imagine them, being cruel or trying to compete with their children. But they exist,

and they are called “Narcissistic Parents.” The purpose of this research is to demonstrate how

narcissistic parents are psychologically affecting their children, and the recovery of children of

narcissists depend on (first) changing parents.

Literature Review

In ¨The Problem with Narcissistic Parents¨ (TPNP) (2009) the author discusses three

scenario about narcissistic parents: ¨how narcissistic parents live through their children,¨ ¨why

narcissistic parents overly connect to their children,¨ and ¨the effect of growing up with

narcissistic parents.¨ In the first scenario, the author states ¨Narcissistic parents feed their own

ego through the achievement of their children,¨ and uses an example of one episode of a popular

TV show called ¨Modern Family¨ where the mother shows off her investment on her daughter´s

success. Also, links the fact that narcissistic parents apparently ¨support on their children

success¨ to the fact that ¨they often feel competitiveness with their children.¨
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The second scenario talks about how narcissistic parents see their children as an extension

of themselves rather than a separate person ¨with their own thoughts, feelings, and desires.¨ The

reason of this might be that they try somehow to fill their lack of self-esteem. The last scenario

¨the effects of growing up with narcissistic parents¨ relates how would develop a person raised

by narcissistic parents; he/she might ¨become narcissistic themselves¨ or feel that ¨they are not

good enough¨; it may also cause problems in romantic relationships. To conclude, the author

states ¨By differentiating from our own past, we are better able to see our kids as separate from

ourselves. Only then can we offer them real love as opposed to a fantasy of connection. Only

then, can we appreciate our children for who they are and support them in reaching their full,

unique potential¨ (TPNP, 2009)

We often catalog this kind of parents as crazy and sometimes even funny without

knowing that they actually have a personality disorder. Reading this article, I immediately

remember some of my friends` mothers that I think they have some (narcissistic parents)

features, especially the mothers of my female friends. My friend (R) used to tell me ¨I feel like

my mother is always trying to compete with me,¨ I really thought that it was impossible. Then,

eventually I noticed the same; I had the opportunity to live with R´s family because they rented

me a bedroom. Therefore, I had the chance of hearing some conversations between R and her

mother (L). Most of the time, L emphasized that R was gaining weight, and that she looked

better than R. Actually, it was true, R´s mother was 42 at the time, but she looked like 26. I

found R crying several times, and used to ask me ¨why my mom is so mean?¨ Now, I know that

L is a narcissistic mother.
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I believe that instead of judging them, we should help them. People (I include myself)

often criticize people´s behavior without thinking what situation made this person to behave in

that way. Narcissistic parents are people who need to fill their lack of self-esteem. Maybe, they

were abused or bullied when they were children, and they are just reflecting it, now that they are

parents. Obviously, narcissistic parents are affecting their children´s mental health, but first, it´s

necessary that narcissistic parents look for help (psychological or psychiatric), only then, any

therapy received by their children will work.

In the article “Narcissistic Parents’ Psychological Effect on Their Children” Seth Meyers

(2014) discusses the problems and changes that a child of a narcissistic parent experiences during

practically his/her whole life until adulthood. Meyers (2014) says that the reason why a narcissist

(a person that only care about himself) would want have a baby is because he/she finally would

get one of his/her greatest goal “have the total control over someone.” Children of narcissists

trying to fulfill their parents´ expectations leaving behind their “own personality,” and living a

life full of frustration, anguish and anxiety until they finally find out that the “parenting they are

receiving is completely wrong.”

Also Meyers (2014) shows “how narcissistic parenting impacts the adult relationships of

their children” by exposing that adult children of narcissist tend to have romantic relationships

with people just like “Mommy and Daddy are.” Also, they might feel more anxiety in a

relationship with someone who makes them feel really loved because “selfish love” is the only

kind of love they know. Meyers (2014) states “It´s not until the adult children of a narcissist get

(a lot of) psychotherapy or have a life-changing experience that pulls them away from the

disturbed parent that these adult children can truly begin to heal.” To conclude Meyers (2014)
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relates the (existential panic) reaction of narcissistic parents when they note their children

getting “psychologically healthier,” and recommends people who have “suffered at the hands of

a narcissistic parents” to look for help.

I am witness that narcissistic parents affect their adult children romantic relationships.

Let´s remember R´s story again. R is the daughter of a narcissistic mother (L). R got married

with a person that treat her like her mom. When he was just her boyfriend (J), R told me how her

relationship with him was. She told me that J didn’t let her go out or have (male) friends, he

checked her cellphone, and made her deactivate her Facebook account. Also he constantly told

her how fat she was getting. He totally controlled her, and she allowed him. Obviously, I was

completely disappointed, and I recommended her to leave him; she just replied “it´s not easy” or

“I´m getting tired of him, so I´m just about to leave him.” But she never did it.

It is “hilarious” that although R was aware that the way that J treated her was wrong, she

couldn’t leave him. I could never understand it until I realized that R is the child of a narcissistic

parent. R is a very kind person, full of virtue that she can’t realize because she was raised with

the concept “You´re only as good as I say you are, and you´ll be loved only if you´re fully

compliant with my wishes” (Meyers, 2014). What I find more interesting of all of this is the fact

that adult children of narcissistic parents are aware that they romantic partner are treating them

bad, and they still continue with that person. According to Meyers, adult children take years to

realize that their parents are wrong, so why don’t they realize that the person they chose behave

just as their parents? Or Meyers ‘statement just applied for those who still don’t see the type of

parenting they are receiving?

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I think that most of narcissistic parents ‘children are conscious that there´s something

wrong with their parents as well as their romantic partners. As I mentioned before people

criticize others without knowing their past, and what situation made them be in the way they are

now. Both narcissistic parents and their children need help.

Julia McKinnell (2008) in her article discusses the “recovery of children of narcissists”

based on the book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” by Karyl McBride. McKinnell (2008) states,

“When your mother´s a narcissist: recovery, say this psychotherapist, is not about changing

mom: that’s a lost cause.” She supports this statement with many arguments from Karyl

McBride. According to McBride, “accepting that your mother is not going to change is the first

and the most difficult step” (as cited in McKinnell, 2008). The worst that a daughter of a

narcissist could do is trying to take her mother into therapy with her. McBride says, "the more

traits your mother has that fit the disorder, the less likely she is a candidate for successful

treatment. This means you can't fix her and shouldn't be attempting to," (as cited in McKinnell,

2008).

Also, McKinnell (2008) cites some other steps of daughters’ recovery according to

McBride, such as “grieving and crying over the mother you never had,” “treating her own

narcissistic traits,” and “refusing to pass on the legacy to your own children.” To conclude

McKinnell narrates the case of Chantal, also, the daughter of narcissistic mother who ensures

that she inherits narcissistic features from her mother, such as never pay attention to her 14-year-

old son. "Well, I'm honest with him about it," says Chantal. "I say, 'I didn't get any attention ...

and I'm really sorry I'm repeating that.' I tell him, 'Make sure if you have something to tell me
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that I'm paying attention.' I tell him, 'It's not you. It's my problem. It's my shortcoming and I will

try harder'" (as cited in McKinnell, 2008).

According to McBride, there’s no recovery for narcissistic mothers, only for children of

narcissistic parents, and the first step for children’s recovery is to accept that narcissistic mothers

are never going to change, so that means narcissism cannot be treated? Is not psychology

supposed to help people problems, and disorders? McBride is a psychotherapist, and she is

telling that daughters of narcissistic mothers have to accept that there’s no cure for their mothers.

Is not she supposed to help people to change, or realized their problems?

This article left me a little bit confused about what I believe. In the first reflection I state,

“Obviously, narcissistic parents are affecting their children´s mental health, but first, it´s

necessary that narcissistic parents look for help (psychological or psychiatric), only then, any

therapy received by their children will work.” This article is completely opposed to my thought.

Also, McBride says "daughters have to make the choice to disconnect completely from their

mothers" (as cited in McKinnell, 2008) Does it means that instead of trying to fix the problem

with their mothers, they have to practically forget their mothers or escape from them? I don’t

think that would be a solution for recovering.

Parents, especially a mother, are very essential in our lives. I believe that if the children of

narcissists find out that their parents have a personality disorder (narcissism), they should help

them. At least, they are aware that they have a problem; it is possible that their parents are not.

Discussion

According to McKinnell (2008) article based on the book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough,”

the recovery of daughters of narcissistic mothers depend on themselves, accepting that their
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mothers are never going to change. “The Problem with Narcissistic Parents” (2009) and Meyers

(2014) don’t exactly state that in their articles, but you can notice that they practically blame

parents for being psychologically affecting their children, and recommend adult children to get

treatment. They all do not mention at any part narcissistic parents getting treatment. It is going

completely against my hypothesis (the recovery of children of narcissists depend on (first)

changing parents). On the other hand, they do confirm my other hypothesis (narcissistic parents

are psychologically affecting their children).

Limitations of These Studies

The limitation of my research paper may result from McKinnell’s article. It is just focus on

the recovery of daughters of narcissistic mothers. Ideally, the number of participants would have

been more evenly distributed across sons and parents, as well.

Conclusions and Future Study

A greater depth of information may be obtained by conducting a study that examines all

participant of “narcissistic parents.” For example, mother, father, son, and daughter. Also, it

should be examine a narcissistic parent being treated, whether that helps his/her child or not. As

more children are developing mental problems, it is necessary to examine the recovery of

narcissistic parents, so that they would stop affecting their children’s mental health.
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References

Faust, J. (n.d). Parenting Quotes. Brainy Quote. Retrieved from:

http://www.brainyquote.com

McKinnell, J. (2008). When your mother’s narcissist: recovery, says this psychotherapist, is not

about changing mom: that’s a lost cause. Maclean’s, 121(43), 68. Retrieved from:

http://ic.galegroup.com

Meyers, S. (2014). Narcissistic Parents’ Psychological Effect on Their Children. Psychology

Today. Retrieved from: http://www.psychologytoday.com

The Problem with Narcissistic Parents. (2009). PSYCH ALIVE. Retrieved from:

http://www.psychalive.org