ARCANUM

A ONE ACT COMEDY

BY JAMES CHISHOLM
CHARACTERS
Nyle: A young, jittery looking fellow with his head in his hands. He is dressed clumsily with no discernible
hairstyle or fashion sense.

Maje: A 30 something, good looking, well-built man who has his arms across the back of the bench looking
nonchalant and relaxed. He is wearing jeans and a tight shirt.

Trick: A beautiful young, 20 something hippy girl in a dress.

Doc: An older man

Holt: A taller, well dressed man

Tim: A young guy

[Curtains open revealing a park with a single bench. From left to right there are 3 people on the bench. Nyle
is a young, jittery looking fellow with his head in his hands. He is dressed clumsily with no discernible
hairstyle or fashion sense. Maje is a 30 something, good looking, well-built man who has his arms across
the back of the bench looking nonchalant and relaxed. He is wearing jeans and a tight shirt. Trick is a
beautiful young, 20 something hippy girl in a dress. She is not wearing any shoes and is resting her bare feet
on Maje’s leg as she sits on the arm of the bench. Standing to the right of the bench, is an older man who
appears to be painting. Doc.]

Nyle: I don’t know what I should do!

Maje: (sarcastically) Maybe you should get an ice-cream

Trick slaps Maje on the forehead: Don’t worry Nyle, I know you will do what makes you happy.

Maje rubbing forhead: So Trick, how’s work? And you already know what he is going to do.

Trick: I don’t need your sarcasm today. And work is dull. It’s oppressing my soul. And yes, we all know what
he is going to do, but he still needs to go through the motions.

Maje: Doc?

Doc is still painting and does not turn around: Sometimes you have to fire your arrow Maje. Even though
you know where you have aimed your bow… you don’t necessarily know where the arrow is going to land.

Maje: Well that settles it then…. Nyle maybe you should get an ice cream.

Trick once again slaps Maje on the forehead: Nyle? Are you ok sweetie?

Nyle: I don’t have a bow. Or an arrow. What am I gonna do?

Maje rolls his eyes.

Trick: It’s a metaphor dear. Just do what makes you happy. So…*to Maje*… how is work?
Maje: Work… is good. Everything is good.

Trick: If everything was good you wouldn’t have told me about everything unless I asked about everything.

Maje: Nevertheless, it’s good. All of it.…Doc?

Doc (again, not removing his gaze from whatever subject he is painting): A positive attitude is the beginning
of positive things.

Maje: See? How can you argue with that logic?

A tall well-dressed man and a young gentleman arrive on the scene, stage left. The taller man is Holt. He is
constantly eating something. Today he has a packet of something that he is nibbling from, as well as a
carton of warm beverages that he offers to everyone on the bench.

Holt: Hey guys… and gal. This is Tim. He’s new at the office, so I’m showing him around.

Everyone but Doc and Nyle: Hey Tim.

Tim: Hey guys…

Tim notices that Nyle looks stressed.

Tim: …. Is he ok?

Maje: Oh don’t pay any attention to Nyle. He does this every day. He has to bear the cross of being an uber
genius…..

Tim stares on confused

Maje: Doc?

Doc: People are strange creatures. What one man is given in abundance, another is never given at all. Some
are provided with more than they can handle. Our little Nyle is a paradox in some ways.

Tim stares on confused

Tim: What ways?

Holt: Complex equations are easy for him. Solving puzzles and cracking secret codes are like breathing. But
simple social interaction, or day to day decision making remain an enigma. But it’s ok Rubs Nyle’s hair as if
he was a puppy ..we love him all the same, don’t we?

Trick: So are you enjoying working with Holt?

Tim: Well he hasn’t stopped offering me food all day. It’s lunch time and I don’t want any lunch cause I’m so
full.

Maje: Hardly surprising really…

Nyle: Am I not ok?

Maje: You’re fine squire. Pay no attention to anything going on around you. Although sometimes, I doubt
whether you actually do that in the first place.
Nyle stands up without warning and walks off, stage left.

Tim: Where’s he going? Did we say something wrong?

Maje: He’s going to get an ice-cream.

Trick slaps Maje on the forehead: You don’t know that. Don’t worry about it sweetie. He does this every
day. Like Maje said, he’s really smart… and that’s a lot coming from Maje. What was your IQ again dear?
150…?

Maje: 153

Trick: ...That’s it! So you see, when Maje says Nyle is smart. He means really smart.

Tim: But where is he going?

Maje: At the risk of getting slapped again, he’s going to do the same thing he does every day. He loves ice-
cream but his dear departed mother would never allow him to have any. So when he’s not eating one he
feels terribly guilty about wanting one. And when he is… well… he could care less. The problem is getting
him from the stage where he is feeling guilty about wanting one, to the stage where he just accepts that he
is going to get one anyway, and goes on his merry business.

Trick pushes her foot against the side of Maje’s head.

Trick: It’s just something he does. We love him regardless. We all know he is going to do it I suppose.

Tim: Why not just give him an ice-cream?

Holt: What? And miss out on his drama routine?.... In all honesty he doesn’t like anything that he doesn’t
get himself. Says it tastes different. If you ask me I think that he should just…

Trick makes a threatening motion towards Holt

Holt: …So how’s work Maje?

Maje: Great. Everything is just great.

Holt: If I wanted to know about everything I would have asked how everything was. But with you telling me
things that were not inquired about are great, then that forces me to believe that what you are saying is
that things, outside of work aren’t actually that great.

Maje: And what you are leading me to believe, is that you have done absolutely no work today other than
show Tim here around the office and providing him food from your various little nooks in the office. And
because of that, your imagination is running away with you causing you to see things that were never there
in the first place.

Nyle returns brandishing an Ice-cream in his hands, looking completely delighted with himself, and returns
to his seat.

Maje: Doc?

Doc: Intellect is not the equal of wisdom. An intellectual knows what the answer is. A wise man knows
when to shut up.
Trick slaps Maje lightly over the back of the head.

Maje: What did I get that for now?

Trick: For not knowing when to shut up.

Holt: You may as well just keep on slapping him indefinitely then.

Tim: Who’s that?

Trick: That’s Doc.

Tim: Does he work with you?

Maje: No. Doc is just Doc. We found him here. He is always doing something…

A young girl enters from stage right, notices Doc and goes and stands next to him. She sees whatever he is
painting, and starts flirting with Doc. Putting her hand on his arm and whispering in his ear. Doc is all giggly
but continues to paint as he whispers back. The girl exits stage left looking very happy and waving to Doc.
Trick and Holt wave at the girl with no response.

Maje: … and he’s definitely happy here.

Tim: Who was that?

Trick has started to paint her toenails.

Maje: Who knows? Happens all the time. *Maje looks sarcastically at Trick* Enjoying your ice-cream Nyle?

Nyle: Yes! Very much. Who did we find here?

Holt: Doc.

Doc: Ours is not to reason why. Ours is but to do.

Tim: Or die?

Holt: What?

Tim: Ours is but to do or die. That is the line.

Holt: Doc? *Holt is now reaching the end of his nibbles*

Doc: I don’t want to die just yet thank you.

Tim: That’s not what I was saying…

Holt: Don’t trip over the flow of conversation my dear man. Now… I’ve.. actually… lost the flow of
conversation myself. What were we talking about?

Tim: So is he an actual Doctor?

Maje: I think so. I don’t know. I don’t actually know what he does when he isn’t here. We just arrive and
here he is. We just call him Doc…

Tim: Why Doc?

Maje: Because he looks like Bugs Bunny.

Trick: Maje! It’s because he has the answers to all of our woes. Our life problems. You just say “Doc” and he
will tell you exactly what you need to hear.

Tim: ……..Doc?

Doc: Tim my boy, sometimes we are brought into people’s lives for a reason. Sometimes that reason is for
them. Sometimes it is for you. In this case, I suggest you breath slowly, keep calm, and try to keep a level
head.

Tim: I’m not upset.

Trick: That might not be what you need to hear right now, but it might be what you need later on.

Tim: Yeah, I’m sure. So how long have you guys been coming here for your lunch?

Everyone: 6 years.

Tim stares

Tim: And what do you guys do here every day... for 6 years?

Maje: Talk. Eat. Braid our hair. Paint our nails.

Tim: Ha ha

Holt: Don’t laugh, last month he went periwinkle blue. Now that was a showstopper.

Maje: It was sky blue, and it didn’t suit my complexion.

Trick: I remember when you didn’t know what a complexion was. Oh it’s so sad, one of the ladies in our
office died last night.

Maje: How old was she?

Trick: 93…

Holt: Ah so she died of old age…

Trick: No she was hit by a car.

Maje: Hold on a minute. She was 93 and still working?

Trick: I wouldn’t say that. She’d been with the company so long, and she was so sweet and kind,… no one
really had the heart to tell her that she didn’t work there anymore…

Holt: When did they let her go?

Trick: 1976

Nyle: I broke wind in the elevator this morning and no one knew it was me.

Maje: How many people were in the elevator this time?

Nyle: Just the CEO.

Holt: …Right! I can’t hold out anymore. Who’s hungry?

Tim: You just ate.

Maje: Careful Tim. Trick here has a nasty habit ofslapping people who state the obvious.

Trick slaps Maje on the shoulder: Yes sweetie, that’s Holt. The man is a furnace when it comes to food. And
no Holt, I’m fine thank you.

Maje: You see Trick! You actually do what I say you are gonna do and then I get in trouble for it. Maybe I
should say the opposite of what you will do and I won’t get smacked.

Holt: Nyle?

Nyle is not really paying attention to anything but his diminishing ice-cream: Ok

Holt and Nyle exit stage left. Tim is still standing there but Maje and Trick are blissfully unaware of his
presence.

Trick: You’re such a smartass.

Maje: So…. Cherry red today?

Trick: You always notice these little things don’t you? Like when you noticed I coloured my hair.. or when I
wear a dress for the first time.

Maje: The only time. Hey, have you ever seen that movie Chasing Amy? The one where the guy gets the
lesbian to fall in love with him.

Trick squeezes Maje’s cheek.

Trick: Silly. Blow.

Trick is waving her bare foot in front of Maje’s face. Maje looks uncomfortable and gets up quickly
remanding himself to the front left corner of the stage.

Trick: What’s wrong?

Maje: Nothing…

Trick: I’ve known you for long enough to know something is wrong.

Maje: Yeah but not long enough to be able to tell what I am thinking it seems. I thought all you women had
ESP or whatever. Or is that only when you are in a relationship?

Trick: Are you going to tell me what’s up or do I have to wrestle it out of you?

Maje: I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up Trick…

Trick: Keep what up hun?

Maje: Don’t call me that please.

Trick: Call you what?

Maje: Nice names! Terms of endearment…. Anything that will make me…

Trick: Make you….?

Maje: I love you Trick.

Tim is now sitting down on the bench with a wide eyed gaze on his face.Trick looks uncomfortable and
starts painting her nails again.

Trick: I love you too dear. Haha.. Remember that time you came to help me get dressed for the costume
party at my office? You saw me naked and had that “Sheep-in-headlights” look on your face. It was
hilarious. You’d have thought that you’d never seen a naked woman before. And listening to you try to get
a logical word out after that was mission in itself.

Maje: No Trick. I’m in love with you.

Trick: Don’t be silly Maje.

Maje: I’m not being silly Trick, it’s true.

Trick looks up: You can’t be in love with me. That’s not possible. You know that. I know that. It doesn’t
make sense for you to be in love with me.

Maje: Why Trick? Why is it not possible? Why doesn’t it make sense? Am I not human or something?

Trick: I can’t believe you are doing this to me. Of all people I never thought you would…

Maje: I’m not doing anything to you.

Trick: You are! You are putting me in an awkward position. I thought I could trust you.

Maje: Oh come on hun, it’s not like I killed your cat.

Maje goes over and puts his hands on tricks shoulders but she is crying. She gets up off the bench, grabs her
shoes from the floor and exits stage right. Maje sits in the middle of the bench again with his arms across
the back.

Maje: Doc?

Doc now stops painting, puts down his tools and sits in Tricks place.

Doc: Maje my boy. Life is a beautiful thing. And Trick is a beautiful young woman. Who could really blame
you for feeling one way or the other? You were dealt a hand and you played it. And why shouldn’t you?
You’re good looking, smart and successful. What do you have to lose? Life isn’t stopping any time, so that
you can figure out what to do next…

Doc gets up and continues to paint. Another girl approaches from stage right and follows the same pattern
of the first. She exits stage left.

Doc: But as I said before… however smart you may think you are, you have no idea when to shut up.

Maje: Yeah… shutting up has never been my strong suit has it?

Maje looks at Tim.

Maje: I’ve never been able to shut up. And if that wasn’t enough I have no tact whatsoever. So when I do
talk I am usually getting on someone’s nerves.

Holt and Nyle enter with ice-cream. Tim stands up.

Holt: Right! What did we miss.

Maje: The 70’s.

Holt: Touché. Anyone interested in watching a movie on Friday night.

Maje: Oh, and I was so hoping we could go to karaoke…

Holt: Brilliant idea!

Maje: I was being facetious.

Holt: Tough Nanas, we are going to karaoke now. You got me in the mood.

Maje: Oh joy. I’m ecstatic. When did you let your parents know you were gay?

Holt: Oh haha. Just because I like to let loose every now and then doesn’t make me a screaming queen. I
sparkle squire, I don’t set the curtain alight.

Maje: Just out of interest, what was showing?

Holt: Oh, it’s a Kevin Smith marathon. You know that comedy director.. did Clerks and Mallrats. I really love
Chasing Amy.

Maje: I’ll bet you do.

Tim: Maje told Trick that he loved her.

Holt: Don’t be silly! That’s not possible.

Tim: Why’s it not possible?

Nyle: Yeah Holt. Why is it not possible?

Holt: Because she’s…. she’s….

Maje: Because the only person that gets more girl action around here is Doc.

Silence

Tim: You mean she’s a lesbian?

Nyle loving his ice-cream: Who’s a lesbian?

Holt, Maje, Tim and Doc: Trick!

Nyle: Oh. I collected postage stamps when I was younger. I’d lick em all the time.

Maje: Well done Nyle. That is the most inadvertently accurate sexual comparison to lesbian I have ever
heard from a guy who has no real idea what a lesbian is.
Nyle licking the ice-cream with a huge smile on his face: Thanks. I like stamps.

Holt: We all do.

Maje: I think we stopped talking about lesbians now Holt, we’re on to real stamps.

Holt: Oh. In that case we don’t.

Tim looking confused: How smart is Nyle?

Holt: Super smart!

Maje: He’s currently in the midst of inventing a new punctuation mark indicative of sarcasm…

Tim: Really?

Holt: No.

Maje: He could be. Who knows what is going on inside that cranium.

Nyle: I don’t understand sarcasm.

Maje goes to say something smart but Holt puts up his hand to tell him to stop. Nyle is unaware of this.
Another girl approaches from stage right and follows the same pattern as the previous two. Tim is the only
one who is shocked although Holt gives a wink and a smile as she passes.

Tim: How does he do that?

Holt eating: Who knows? It’s not the painting thing. Yesterday he was juggling and it was the same thing.
The last week he was playing with a kite and ended up walking away with twins. I’m pretty sure it’s his
aftershave.

Maje: Doc?

Doc: Calvin Klein.

Tim: Can’t be it.

Maje: Why not?

Tim: Because I wear Calvin Klein and no one gives me a second look.

Holt: So why the hell did you tell Trick you loved her?

Maje: Because I do.

Holt: Since when?

Maje gets up

Maje: I don’t know. It’s been a while now.

Holt: Why didn’t you tell us?

Nyle: Yeah.. why didn’t you tell us? Turns to holt What didn’t he tell us?
Holt: That he loves Trick.

Nyle drops what remains of his ice-cream and looks and Maje in shock

Nyle: You’re a lesbian!?!?!

Doc: Never a truer word was spoken.

Maje: Ah who asked you?

Tim: I can’t blame him. She’s gorgeous. And I thought you two were already together anyway, the way you
acted.

Maje: She is beautiful isn’t she?

Maje turns to face Holt, Nyle and Tim.

Maje: Look. I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to make things awkward between us. She’s my friend. But
at the same time… it was eating away at me… *Holt smiles and throws more of whatever he is now eating
into his mouth*… and I just had to tell her. If our friendship can’t survive honesty… then it wasn’t as strong
as I thought it was.

While Maje has been talking Trick walks on to the stage holding her shoes in her hand and is standing
behind him. Tim goes to say something but Holt stops him.

Holt: What would you tell her if she was here right now?

Maje: I’d tell her I do love her. I’d tell her I’m sorry for every stupid thing I have ever said, and for every
stupid thing I am ever going to say. I’d tell her that when she laughs, I love the way her eyes dance, and that
when she sings to herself I notice the birds joining in. And that she should kiss me and see if she feels
anything at all.

Nyle giggling: Turn around.

Maje turns around and Trick jumps up, wrapping her legs around him and kisses him passionately. He puts
her down gently and the step back and stare at each other. There is an awkward silence as they both walk
to opposite ends of the front of stage. They turn around and look at each other briefly. Then both shrug in
unison and say “Meh”. They both return to their seats and carry on as if nothing ever happened. Tim is the
only one in awe.

Tim: Hold on!

Holt: Hey relax Tim…

Tim: Nonononono… no. You! *points at Holt* You never stop eating. You were eating when I arrived at the
office. You’re still eating. And it’s all rubbish! I’m half way towards being a full blown diabetic thanks to the
stuff you had me eating this morning. And you! *points at Nyle* How can you be so smart and so dumb at
the same time? *Looks at Maje* You are so charming that you actually managed to convince a lesbian to
kiss you, and all you can say is “Meh”? And you *now looking at Trick* How can you let this guy cast a
doubt on your lifestyle choice?

Doc has been packing up. The 3 girls from earlier enter stage left and all gather around Doc. He puts his
arms around them.
Doc: Cheers fellows. All I can say is work like you don't need the money. Sing like no one is listening. Dance
like nobody is watching. Love like you have never been hurt before. Live like it was your last day. I’ll see
you in the morning,…oh and Tim.

Tim: Yes?

Doc: You really need to breathe my boy.

Doc exits with the 3 girl’s stage right.

Tim: HOW DOES HE DO THAT!?!?!?! I’ll see you at the office.

Tim storms off stage left.

Holt: He’s right. I better start heading back. Those doughnuts in my desk aren’t going to eat themselves.

Nyle: What does he mean smart and dumb at the same time? That’s ridiculous. That’s like saying I’m
hungry and full!

Maje and Trick: Cheers Holt.

Holt exits following after Tim. Nyle is once again sitting with his head in his hands as Maje closes his eyes
and Trick starts to paint her toenails again.

Nyle: I don’t know what I should do….

Maje: ….maybe you should get an ice-cream?

Trick slaps Maje on the forehead as the lights dim and the curtains close.