Canadian Mercenaries, Eh?

(Partnered with “The Deathly Duck”)

The Steps to Starting my Business

1. Obtain government funding form the ‘Murican government

2. Lease 50 737s from Southwest Airlines
3. Hire Boeing to make a jet to serve as the HQ of the company
4. Hire thousands of mercenaries
5. Begin the services

Services

My company provides such wonderful services as Permanent ImmobilizationTM (death)

and to perform that service, my patented mercenaries, which can either stalk, and/or kill. My
company also leased 50 737s from Southwest Airlines to transport the mercenaries. We named
this branch “Mercenary Airlines”. Targets… I mean tourists are welcome to buy a ticket, but
they’ll most likely not survive the journey, since target practice… I mean beverages are served
in-flight.-

Ideal Customer Audience

My ideal customer audience is rich and powerful people who don’t like other people.
Each kill will cost the customer $10000 dollars, but only stalking the victim will bring the price
down to $1500. A flight with mercenary Airlines is only ten dollars.

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Canadian Mercenaries Eh?

What makes my mercenaries better?

My mercenaries are better because they are Canadian, therefore they are apologetic
and more efficient. They are proven to have a KD ratio twice as good as ‘Murican*
mercenaries. Since we stole… I mean leased planes from Southwest, my mercenaries can be
anywhere at any time.

Business Location

Canadian Mercenaries, Eh?TM will be located in the air. I have a crack team of engineers
at Boeing making a whole new plane larger than a 747 called the 744444447 that I will rule my
mercenary empire from. We will never land, getting fuel from a tanker mid-air. When I need to
leave the plane, I parachute out, and when I need to board, I take my personal jet and fly into
the cargo bay of Mercenary Force One. It will be stored in the old Space Shuttle hangars at
NASA. All of this will cost 2,000,000,000 dollars. We own a fuel refinery, so fuel only costs 200
dollars a day in electricity.

(Goebel)

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Canadian Mercenaries Eh?

Employees

My company won’t have employees, it will have mercenaries. Thousands of them to

invade houses and even countries. They will be stationed in the planes “leased” from
Southwest, and the mercenary of the month gets to fly in business class. They will be paid
2000 dollars for each Permanent immobilizationTM.

Supplies

I will of course need food and water for my mercenaries. They will be fed Southwest
peanuts and coffee. If a mercenary is allergic to peanuts, then they get to eat pretzels. If they
are allergic to both, well, they shouldn’t have signed up. I will also need loyal clients that will
not tell anyone in the governments of the US and Canada what we are up to. And finally, I need
secrecy. It wouldn’t be good if a rival company like “Scottish Mercenaries, Aye!” knew where
Mercenary Force One is.

Advertising

I will advertise my business with a giant hologram that covers the entire sky. Wait,
that’s not a thing? Alright then. My mercenary transport planes will pull banners so large that
they can be seen from 30,000 feet below. Such a banner will have to be hand crafted by all
50,000 of my mercenaries over a year.

Risks

The greatest risk of starting my business is getting found out by the US or Canada, and
getting arrested. Getting caught will no doubt put us. We are working on a government
endorsement deal with the ‘Murican1 government to keep that from happening. Yeah all of
that money that’s going to China? Nah, that’s actually going to us.

1
Murica- Slang for America

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Canadian Mercenaries Eh?

Value/Purpose

My business provides a speedy extermination of the target, and fills the need of not
wanting a certain person alive. All of this is done while leaving no trails to lead to the
government of Canada. The government of the US however, is in on it, hence them paying for
Mercenary Force One.

Possible Targets
 World Leaders
 Rich People
 Countries
 Important social figures
 Justin Bieber

The Steps to an Assassination

Get Hired

Decimate Accept
Victim Payment

Deploy Fly to
Mercinaries Location

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 We’re Better! Kills:Deaths Kills Deaths

Kills Kill Time Mercenary

Casualties
Canadian 257 36 seconds 12
Mercenaries, Eh?
‘Murican 56 120 seconds 12
Mercenaries
Russian KillCorp 23 586 seconds 4

2
Papercut.

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Canadian Mercenaries Eh?

North Korea3 0 ∞ ∞

3
Yes, the ENTIRE country of North Korea.

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Bibliography
4

Goebel, Greg. AirVectors. 1 February 2014. Picture. 15 September 2015.

<http://www.airvectors.net/avvc10_9.png>.

© 2052 CME Ltd. All rights reserved.

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