My Darling,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a

pear tree." What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been
more
surprised. You're an angel.

With all my love and devotion,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 15, 1986

Darling,

Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two
turtle doves." I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are
adorable and I love you for them.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 16, 1986

Dear Fred,

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity as "Three French hens." They are just darling
but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,
Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 17, 1986

Dear Fred,

Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds." Now really, they are
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too
romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 18, 1986

Dearest Fred,

What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings";one
for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 19, 1986
Dear Fred,

I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front
porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're
back to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever
keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the
racket. I love your thoughtfulness, but - Please Stop!

Cordially,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 20, 1986

Fred,

What's with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received "Seven
swans a swimming." What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds
shit
all over the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket.
I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.

Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with
those fucking birds, OK?????

Sincerely,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 21, 1986

OK Buster,
 I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight
maids a milking??" It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids
milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all
over the lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me,
smartass!!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 22, 1986

Hey Shithead,

What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers
playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those
maids since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset
and
they're stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell
am
I going to do?? The neighbours have already started a petition to have
me evicted.

You'll get yours, bastard,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 23, 1986

You Rotten Prick,

Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing??" I can't imagine why I call
these sluts "ladies." They've been balling the pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has
given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner
of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should
not
be condemned!

I'm sicking the police on you, asshole!

One who means it!!!

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 24, 1986

Listen Fuckhead,

What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies???
Some of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged
the
maids, gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the
cows. All 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I
hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!

I hate your guts, dumbshit,

Agnes

Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling"

which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As
you no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total.

You are advised that all future correspondence with our client should
be cleared through this office.
 I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution
have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find
attached a warrant for your arrest.

Season's Greetings,

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<DIV>&nbsp;&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Miss Agnes=20
McHolstein
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 69 Cash=20Ave.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Beaver Valley,=20CO
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Dec. 14, 1986

My Darling,
<B=R> I=20went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a
pear=20tree." What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have=20been
more
surprised. You're an angel.

With all my love and=20devotion,

Agnes

</DIV><DIV>

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20=Miss=20Agnes McHolstein
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 69 Cash=20Ave.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Beaver Valley,=20CO
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Dec. 15, 1986

Darling,

=20Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two
turtle==20doves." I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are
adorable and= I=20love you for them.

All my love,

=20Agnes

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Miss Agnes=20McHolstein

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 69 Cash=20Ave.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Beaver Valley,=20CO
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Dec. 16, 1986

Dear Fred,
<BR=>=20Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I=20don't
deserve such generosity as "Three French hens." They are just=20darling
but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

=20Agnes

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Miss Agnes=20McHolstein

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 69 Cash=20Ave.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Beaver Valley,=20CO
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Dec. 17, 1986

Dear Fred,
<BR=>=20Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds." Now really, they=20are
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being=20too
romantic.

Affectionately,
=20Agnes

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Miss Agnes=20McHolstein

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 69 Cash=20Ave.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Beaver Valley,=20CO
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Dec. 18, 1986

Dearest=20Fred,

What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden=20rings";one

for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frank=ly,=20all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All=20=my=20love,

Agnes

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Miss A=gnes=20McHolstein

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 69 Cash=20Ave.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Beaver Valley,=20CO
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Dec. 19, 1986

Dear Fred,
<BR=>I=20couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front
porc=h=20and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're
back to=20=the=20birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever
keep them? The==20neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the
racket. I love yo=ur=20thoughtfulness, but - Please Stop!

Cordially,

=20Agnes

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Miss Agnes=20McHolstein

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 69 Cash=20Ave.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Beaver Valley,=20CO
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Dec. 20, 1986
Fred,

Wha=t's=20with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received "Seven

swans a=20swimming." What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds
shit
all o=ver=20the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket.
I can't sle=ep=20at night and I'm a nervous wreck.

Stop your laughing damn you! It's=20=not=20funny. Just knock it off with
those fucking birds, OK?????

=20Sincerely,

Agnes

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; M=iss=20Agnes McHolstein

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 69 Cash=20Ave.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Beaver Valley,=20CO
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Dec. 21, 1986

OK Buster,
<BR=> I=20think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight
maid=s a=20milking??" It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids
milking,=20=but=20they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all
over the lawn and= I=20can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me,
smartass!!

=20Agnes

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Miss Agnes=20McHolstein

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 69 Cash=20Ave.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Beaver Valley,=20CO
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Dec. 22, 1986

Hey Shithead,
=
=20What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers
playing"= and=20Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those
maids since they'=ve=20arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset
and
they're stepping=20=all=20over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell
am
I going to do?? Th=e=20neighbours have already started a petition to have
me evicted.

Yo=u'll=20get yours, bastard,

=20Agnes

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Miss Agnes=20McHolstein

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 69 Cash=20Ave.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Beaver Valley,=20CO
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Dec. 23, 1986

You Rotten=20
Prick,

Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing??" I can't imagine why I==20call
these sluts "ladies." They've been balling the pipers all night=20long.
Now the cows can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here=20has
given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The=20Commisioner
of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building==20should
not
be condemned!

I'm sicking the police on you,=20asshole!

One who means=20

it!!!

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Miss Agnes=20McHolstein

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 69 Cash=20Ave.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Beaver Valley,=20CO
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Dec. 24, 1986

Listen=20Fuckhead,

What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids an=d=20ladies???

Some of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers=20ravaged
the
maids, gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodo=my=20on the
cows. All 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the or=gy.=20I
hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!

I hate your=20guts, dumbshit,

Agnes

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nb=sp;=20Law Offices
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Badger, Bender &amp;=20Cahole
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 303 Knave=20Street
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Chicago,=20IL
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; December 26, 1986

Dear=20Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers=20fiddling"

which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes==20McHolstein. As
you no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property= was=20total.

You are advised that all future correspondence with our clien=t=20should
be cleared through this office.

I feel compelled to warn y=ou=20that if you should attempt to reach Miss

McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitar=ium,=20the attendants of that institution
have instructions to shoot you on sigh=t.=20With this letter please find
attached a warrant for your arrest.

Season's Greetings,