Overcoming Jealousy

Overcoming Jealousy – A Practical Guide
A Step-by-Step Guide to Controlling

Your Jealous Feelings and Actions
© David Bonham-Carter
Life Coach
United Kingdom
Tel: 0117 230 3119 (UK) or +44 117 230 3119 (International)
Email: dbc@davidbonham-carter.com
Website: www.davidbonham-carter.com
Copyright
No part of this publication may be reproduced, republished or transmitted in any
way other than for the personal use of the purchaser without the prior permission of
the author, David Bonham-Carter.
Preliminary Notice
Overcoming Jealousy – A Practical Guide is intended for the use of ordinary people
who are experiencing feelings of jealousy and finding it difficult to know how to deal
with them. It is not intended as a substitute for professional help where that is
required.
If your jealousy has reached a stage where you are physically violent or mentally or
emotional abusive towards your partner or someone else, or you feel that your own
mental health is significantly at risk, then you are advised to seek independent
advice from your doctor or another appropriate professional to help you decide
what to do.
The suggestions and ideas in this Guide are made in good faith on the basis of the
author’s professional experience of the issues described and they can be of
assistance to many people. However, it is not claimed that they will be appropriate
for all individuals at all times. Neither the author nor any of his agents shall be liable
for any harm or loss of any kind experienced by a reader or any other person
seeking to make use of the ideas in this book. You are advised to exercise your
own reasonable judgement about what is appropriate in your particular situation
and to seek appropriate independent professional advice if you are unsure about
what is best for you in your situation.
www.davidbonham-carter.com
Index
About the Author
How to Use this Guide
Section 1: What is Jealousy?

- Assignment 1: Benefits of Overcoming Jealousy
Section 2: Why Are You Jealous?

- Assignment 2: Explaining Jealousy
Section 3: Changing Your Jealous Behaviour

- Assignment 3: Jealous Actions
- Assignment 4: Alternative Actions
Section 4: Dealing with Your Jealous Thoughts and Feelings

- Assignment 5: ABC Analysis
- Assignment 6: Balancing Statements
Section 5: Situations that Trigger Jealousy

- Assignment 7: Jealousy Triggers
Section 6: Jealousy, Insecurity and Self Esteem

- Assignment 8: Building Self Worth
- Assignment 9: Personal Goals
Section 7: Trust and Communication

- Assignment 10: Communication and Trust
Conclusion
Forms
Sample Project Plan
Your Project Plan (To Be Filled In As You Go Along)
Additional Resources
About the Author
David Bonham-Carter, the author of Overcoming Jealousy - A Practical Guide is a
life coach who provides specialist coaching support and advice for jealousy and
other areas that involve negative or distorted thinking patterns, such as confidence
& self esteem, assertiveness, anxiety, stress and specialist relationship issues.
David has a Masters Degree in social work from the University of Kent which he
passed with distinction and before becoming a life coach he practised for many
years as a social worker and probation officer helping people with mental health
difficulties, homeless people, young people and others to make significant personal
and practical changes in their lives and relationships.
David’s work is based on methods which are acknowledged to be effective in
helping to people to change behaviour that is problematic for themselves or others
and he has received training in the following techniques and methods:
 CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (particularly helpful in dealing

with negative and distorted thinking patterns)
 Motivational Interviewing (effective as a model for helping people to
change or break difficult habits)
 Person centred therapeutic techniques, such as Gerard Egan's
personal centred counselling model and Carl Rogers' person centred
counselling model.
 Transactional Analysis
 Brief Therapy (also known as Solution Focused Therapy) - helpful in
creating positive thinking strategies.
David writes a free email Newsletter of Life Coaching Tips which you can sign up
for at www.davidbonham-carter.com/lifecoachtips.html.
David provides telephone coaching support to clients worldwide. For details of his
coaching services visit www.davidbonham-carter.com or call 0117 230 3119 (UK)
or +44 117 230 3119 (International).
How to Use this Guide
To make the best use of this guide to controlling and dealing with jealous feelings
and actions, I suggest that you read through each Section in order.
At the end of each Section, I have included suggested tasks or Assignments for
you to go through to help with analysing aspects of your jealousy and/or setting
yourself actions to carry out in order to help you make progress.
When you complete an Assignment, please follow instructions within the

Assignment to include elements from your completed Assignment in an overarching
Project Plan, the framework for which you can find on page 36.
You can use your Project Plan as your template for action to take control of your
jealous feelings and actions once you have completed all the Assignments.
You can see an example of what a completed Project Plan might look at on p.35.
I very much hope that the ideas and exercises in this booklet will help you to make
the progress that you want in overcoming jealousy and building happy and fruitful
relationships.
Best wishes
David
David Bonham-Carter
Life Coach
Section 1
What is Jealousy?
The Two Types of Jealousy
If you look up the word Jealousy in a dictionary you may well find that there are two
different types of feeling or experience that are described:
1. Suspicion and Fear of Possible Rivals –For example, if you are in a

relationship and you fear that your partner is or may be attracted by
someone else and may be unfaithful to you or reject or leave you.
2. Envy – Being envious of someone else: for example, if you envy someone’s
qualities, possessions, relationships or success.
In this book I am going to refer to the first type of jealousy as Rival-Jealousy and
the second type of jealousy as Envy-Jealousy for ease of reference.
The type of techniques and strategies that are set out in this E-Book are designed
to help you deal with either (or both) of these types of feeling and their potential
negative impact. They have some similarities but there are also differences
between them.
Common Features of the Two Types of Jealousy
Perhaps the most common elements of the two types of jealousy are the kind of
feelings that are generated when you experience jealousy, which can include:
o Resentment
o Hurt
o Anger
o A sense of inadequacy, failure or humiliation
o A sense of powerlessness or frustration.
Both types of jealousy may also involve some of the following features;
o A tendency to compare yourself to someone else

o A worry or belief that in some respect you lack something that that someone
else has or are inferior to them in some way
o Attaching a high degree of importance to your perception of inferiority or lack
Some Differences Between the Two Types of Jealousy
It is not possible to be definitive about all cases as individual situations will vary.
However, there is a tendency for the two types of jealousy to have slight differences
in what underlies the above features:
1. Rival-Jealousy – This type of jealousy is more likely to involve a fear of

losing (or being betrayed by) someone important to you. In other words you
feel a sense of insecurity in your relationship – and this may be the case
even if you feel very positive about many aspects of the relationship. Indeed
I have found that a significant proportion of the clients that I have coached to
deal with jealousy have been in relationships which they feel are the best
relationships they have been in and it is partly because of that that they fear
losing what is so precious to them.
2. Envy-Jealousy – With this type of jealousy, you may have:
a. an underlying wish or desire to be different from the way you are, or

from the way you perceive yourself to be OR
b. an underlying wish or desire to have something you do not have.
Often this may involve dissatisfaction with your current circumstances
and perhaps a sense of personal or professional inadequacy or failure.
In Section 2, I will be looking at possible factors which may lead you to be

predisposed to jealousy and will give you an exercise to help you explore and
understand the type of jealousy that you personally are experiencing. In later
Sections we will be looking at how you can use that understanding to help you
overcome or deal with the problems that jealousy can create.
Is Jealousy a Normal Emotion?
There is a stigma attached to jealousy. If you think that you are or might have a
tendency to be jealous then you may well feel ashamed and guilty.
However lots of people experience some degree of jealousy at some time in their
lives.
Some people even argue that a certain amount of jealousy is actually healthy – it
shows that we have feelings and are not just machines.
In this E-Book I encourage you to think in practical ways about jealousy and what
you can do about it if it is causing problems for you and your relationships.
Try not to panic or be too hard on yourself if you find yourself envying someone
else or feeling a sense of insecurity about whether your partner is going to be
faithful. Others have experienced similar problems and dealt with them and you can
do the same. What I ask is that you commit yourself to trying out some of the
practical strategies outlined in this Guide.
The approach to dealing with jealousy that is outlined here encourages you to
analyse how your jealous feelings and thoughts impact on your behaviour and how
in turn your behaviour may impact on your relationships, self esteem and personal
development. This Guide will give you some tools and exercises for analysing and
dealing with the negative impact that jealous feelings may have on your life and
relationships.
Jealousy and Self Esteem
Jealousy can be partly caused by a lack of self esteem, either: –

o feeling that other people have qualities or possessions or
achievements that you crave, believing that if you had those qualities
your would be a more successful or attractive person or
o desperately wanting validation, approval, respect or attention from
someone else close to you and therefore getting fearful that you may
lose this when that person close to you gives attention to someone
else.
It can therefore be helpful in tackling jealousy to find ways of:
o Building your self esteem

o Recognising your own worth
o Establishing parts of your life which are not dependent on the attention or
opinion of someone else
This Guide therefore includes a section on self esteem and insecurity to help you
remind yourself that you are not defined by your jealousy and that you have
positive aspects to your personality. If you can develop your own identity and
values and create a realistic sense of personal worth this is likely to assist you in
enjoying your life more and putting your sense of jealousy and the things that you
are jealous about in perspective.
Is Jealousy My Fault?
If you are reading this guide then it is likely that you have been in situations where
you have acted in a way which is or appears to be envious or jealousy towards
someone else.
- Perhaps you have become angry towards your partner or someone else close to
you, when you thought that they might be directing attention towards someone else?
- Or perhaps you have found yourself preoccupied with envious thoughts and
irritation that someone else has achieved success or social standing that you feel
you haven’t.?
- Perhaps you have found yourself carrying out deceitful actions to check up on
someone, like checking their emails or phone messages?
- Or perhaps you have found yourself trying to undermine someone of whom you
are envious or jealous?
If so, then the strategies in this book should help you to start to understand and
manage your feelings and actions better.
It is important that you are honest with yourself in acknowledging when you are
acting in a way which is unreasonable, unproductive or unfair. However, it is
equally important that you don’t take all the blame upon yourself if you are in a
situation where another person’s behaviour is contributing to problems.
For example, I have coached clients who have found themselves reacting in hurt
ways when their partner flirts with third parties. In some of these situations it has
seemed to me that the partner’s behaviour has been relatively innocuous. In other
situations the partner’s behaviour has appeared quite extreme – unacceptable or
disrespectful. Remember that just as your partner and others are entitled to be
treated with respect by you, so too are you entitled to be treated by respect by them.
Different people will have different views as to what is a reasonable or respectful

way to act towards your partner and you may need to negotiate with your partner
what boundaries you can both agree to.
Therefore in completing the exercises in this book, I would ask you to do 2 things:
(1) Be honest with yourself about when you think your behaviour has been
unreasonable and commit to trying to do something to change it if you can;
(2) Recognise that you too have a right to be treated with dignity and respect. If
your jealousy is in part prompted by someone not treating you with dignity or
respect, then have the courage to raise this with them and ask for them too
to try to change. Relationships are a two-way street.
If you have a tendency to focus on whose fault your jealousy is, I would encourage
you to try instead to adopt a practical approach to the problem and to see it has
something which you want to take realistic steps to resolving or getting in control of.
In some cases your partner or someone else affected by the issue may be able to
support you in your efforts to deal with the problem and they may even have
contributed to it by their behaviour. If that is the case it will help if you can both work
together to resolve the problem and Section 7 of this Guide includes tips on
building trust and communication in relationships.
Your Motivation for Overcoming Jealousy
This Guide is aimed at helping you to overcome your feelings of jealousy and/or
deal with them more effectively.
In order for you to do that it is going to be important for you to be aware of the
benefits that you hope to achieve for yourself and/or others from learning to deal
with your jealousy.
Reminding yourself of those benefits regularly can also help to motivate you to
make progress because it is for the sake of achieving those benefits that you are
willing to go through the effort involved in learning to understand, control and deal
with your jealousy. Therefore I suggest that you begin your practical efforts to deal
with jealousy by completing the Assignment on the next page, clarifying for yourself
the benefits of overcoming jealousy.
After completing the main part of the Assignment, follow the instructions in it to start
filling in some initial details for a Project Plan you can use to guide you in your
efforts to overcome jealousy. The Project Plan Template for you to complete as you
go along can be found on p.36.
By the time you complete all the Assignments in this Guide you should have a
complete initial Project Plan to start you on the path to dealing with jealousy.
Assignment 1: Benefits of Overcoming Jealousy
List below any benefits that you hope to achieve from controlling your jealous
actions and/or overcoming or reducing your jealous feelings. These can include
anything that you think would be a positive whether that would be an
improvement in a relationship or in your own feelings about your self or in
allowing you to concentrate on other things, or in anything else:
.
If I can overcome my jealous actions and feelings, the benefits
will be …
Once you have written out the benefits above, select the 2-4 main ones and insert
them in your Project Plan as Outcomes that you are hoping to achieve. (The
Project Plan Template for you to complete as you go along can be found on p.36).
Also give your Project Plan a name which encapsulates the main benefit that you
want to achieve.
If there is any way you can think of focusing your mind on that benefit – such as
using the desired benefit as a password (suitably adapted to ensure security) or
creating a visual reminder of it - then do that.
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Section 2
Why Are You Jealous?

In Section 1, I mentioned that there are two types of jealousy, Rival-Jealousy and
Envy-Jealousy (the first involving suspicion or fear of rivals for the attention of
someone you love and the second one involving envy of someone else who has
something that you feel you don’t have). I also suggested that for some people low
self esteem can be a factor in jealousy and I highlighted that if you are in a
relationship it is important to try to assess honestly whether the other person’s
behaviour is reasonable as well as seeking to control your own impulses to jealous
behaviour. In this section I am going to ask you to do some analysis of your own
personal circumstances to decide what are the factors involved in your jealousy.
Below are listed some possible factors which can contribute to jealousy arising. The
list is not intended to be exhaustive, but just to give an idea of the different types of
reasons which lead some people to think and act in jealous ways. It is likely that
some of the factors will be relevant to you but others will not.
Possible Causes of Jealousy
1. Possible Childhood Factors
There may be some factors in your background which you feel have led to you
being vulnerable to feelings of jealousy. These might be some or any of the factors
listed below or they might be other factors personal to you not mentioned here:
o A lack of security or stability in your childhood or problems in close family

relationships leading to low self esteem or to a belief that it is unlikely that
someone worthwhile will value you
o Role models in your childhood who have themselves acted in jealous ways –
for example, a jealous father and/or a mother
o Influential people in your childhood putting a pressure on you to succeed in
various ways or leading you to believe that you are not or cannot be
successful (this factor relates to jealousy of the Envy-Jealousy type in
particular)
o Being brought up with a belief that there is a high degree of shame or failure
attached to not being 100% faithful in relationships
o Strong beliefs about cultural or gender rules which you were encouraged by
influential adults or by media to hold as sacrosanct, relating to how people of
a certain gender/culture/background should act or how partners in a
relationship should act. This may make it is harder for you to accept people
acting in other ways and it also may lead you to be particularly self critical
and feel guilty if you yourself break those rules.
11
2. Possible More Recent Factors
There may be some more recent factors which have increased your susceptibility to
jealousy even if before you might not have felt jealous in similar circumstances.
Some possible factors are given below, but again there may be other factors
personal to you not mentioned here:
o One or more experiences of important relationships where you felt your trust
undermined by the person you cared for
o A sense of guilt in yourself about the way you yourself have acted in a past
relationship which may lead you to fear that someone who is now important
to you will act in a similar way
o Not having managed to achieve some of the successes in relationships,
career or prosperity that you once hoped for and feeling a sense of failure or
even bitterness about this (this factor relates to jealousy of the Envy-
Jealousy type in particular)
o A stressful or traumatic experience which has made it difficult for you to trust
in relationships
3. Possible Factors in Your Current Relationship
If your jealousy is of the type which involves feeling worried that someone important
to you, such as a partner, may leave you or betray your trust in some way, then
there may be specific features of that relationship which contribute to your feeling
jealous of people or situations that you perceive as posing a threat to it. These
could include things such as:
o Feeling ‘head over heals’ in love with the person in a way that you have
never experienced before and therefore having a heightened sense of what
you have to lose if the relationship ends or is damaged
o The other person not showing that they love you in ways that you might want,
so that you are worried that they don’t love you
o The other person behaving in ways which suggest that they may actually be
intending to deceive you or betray your trust in some way
o The other person acting in ways which you believe are similar to past
relationships you have experienced which subsequently went wrong
o Your current relationship having taken you away from your usual
environment or friends or put you in a situation where you don’t have your
usual support systems or familiar faces or places around you
o You having risked a lot, or given up a lot, in order to be in this relationship so
that the end of it might involve a loss of face or might lead to a difficult or
complicated situation which you fear facing
o Friends, family or others being critical of your partner so that you feel under
extra pressure to make the relationship succeed or so that you are worried in
case your judgement about the other person is misguided.
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Assignment 2: Explaining Jealousy
(a) After reading through the lists set out in Section 2 above of possible factors
that can cause jealousy or contribute to it, decide which if any of them apply to
your situation and whether there are any additional factors which you feel have
contributed to your own jealousy which are not listed there.
Now write down below in 1-3 sentences a short summary of what you feel has
caused or contributed to your jealousy.
It is important not to write too much for this exercise as it is about capturing in a
succinct way the reasons for your jealousy.
I believe that the main reasons for my jealousy are …
(b) Once you have written the above short summary of reasons underlying your
jealousy, add on to the end of it 1-2 sentences which commit you in a positive
and constructive way to starting to do something about your jealousy. You might
for example write something like:
I am committed to trying to do my best to deal in a positive way with my feelings

of jealousy, using practical techniques and ideas.
As well as writing this commitment on the end of the summary above, insert it into
your Project Plan (p.36).
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Section 3
Changing Your Jealous Behaviour
Overview
Having explored some of the background and reasons for your jealousy, we can
now move on to trying out some strategies for dealing with it.
To do this, in sections 3-5 we will look at 3 different aspects of jealousy:

o Jealous behaviour
o Jealous thoughts and feelings
o Situations that trigger jealousy
The idea behind these sections is the common sense notion which underpins
cognitive behavioural therapy(CBT) techniques for problem solving – the notion that
your thoughts and interpretations of events and situations affect how you feel and
influence your actions.
This section consists of two Assignments to encourage you to explore how you
tend to act when you feel jealous, problems that this may cause, your level of
motivation for change and some alternative actions that you might try out.
Use the form in Assignment 3 on the next page to note down:

 Ways in which you act when you feel jealous – this might include things such
as shouting or reacting emotionally or actions like checking your partner’s
mobile phone or email for messages.
 The problems that may arise from your jealous behaviour, including
reactions it may prompt in others, your own negative feelings or anything
else that you think is a relevant problem associated with your jealousy.
Once you have identified some of the ways in which you behave when you are
jealous, complete Assignment 4 assessing your own motivation for changing your
behaviour and list some possible alternative actions that you might try out instead.
Alternative might consist of:
o a simple opposite to the jealous behaviour, such as deliberately not
checking your partner’s phone, or
o an alternative behaviour to take your mind off the situation or to get
you to pause – for example, counting to 10 before speaking in a
situation where you are tempted to blurt out an angry or jealous
comment.
If your motivation is sufficiently high then select 1-3 actions from your list of
alternative actions that you are willing to try out and write them into the Actions
table in your Project Plan (p.36).
14
Assignment 3: Jealous Actions
List some of the ways in which you act when you feel jealous – this might include
things such as shouting or reacting emotionally or actions like checking your
partner’s mobile phone or email for messages. Then list the problems that may
arise from your jealous behaviour, including reactions it may prompt in others, your
own negative feelings or anything else that you think is a relevant problem
associated with your jealousy.
Ways in Which I Tend to Act When Problems this Can Cause

I am Jealous
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
15
Assignment 4: Alternative Actions
Copy your list of the ways you tend to act when jealous from Assignment 3 into the
table below. Then assess your motivation for acting in a different way on a scale of
1-10 and list possible alternative behaviours. An alternative behaviour might consist
of:
o a simple opposite to the jealous behaviour, such as deliberately not
checking your partner’s phone, or
o a behaviour that takes your mind off the situation or gets you to pause
– for example, counting to 10 before speaking in a situation where
you are tempted to blurt out an angry or jealous comment.
Ways in Which You Tend For each Action List 1 or more alternative
to Act When You Are identified in the behaviours that you might
Jealous (Copy from left hand try instead of the jealous
previous exercise & column, specify action
insert any other jealous on a scale of 1-0
actions you can think of) how much you
would like to act
differently?*
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
If your motivation is high to change some of the jealous behaviours (say 7 or more
out of 10 in terms of the degree to which you want to make a change) then select 1-
3 actions from the above list of alternative actions and write them into the Actions
table in your Project Plan (p.36) as things you are committed to trying out.
If, on the other hand, you have given a low score for the degree to which you want
to change certain jealous behaviours, then you may feel that you don’t yet want to
commit yourself to trying out any of these actions. In that case you may want to
concentrate your ideas on the other aspects outlined in the next two sections
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Section 4
Dealing with Your Jealous Thoughts and Feelings

In the last section you drew up a list of some alternative actions or behaviours that
you might try out when you are tempted to act in a jealous way.
However, you may find it difficult to implement these actions because the thoughts
and feelings that run through your mind seem so strong or because there is a part
of you which actually thinks that maybe you should act in the jealous way.
In this section I am going to explain a cognitive behavioural model, known as the

ABC Model, for analysing what is going on if this is the case and then suggest how
you might use it to deal with the thoughts and beliefs that may be making it hard for
you to control your jealous behaviour (a ‘cognitive behavioural’ model is one which
focuses on the links between your cognitions – thoughts, beliefs, feelings – and
your actions).
It is the thoughts or beliefs that you have about events and situations which are
leading you to feel jealous, so if you can find ways of addressing those thoughts
and beliefs to put them in perspective or make them more realistic if they are
distorted or inaccuarate, this is likely to help reduce the feelings of anger or hurt or
rejection which jealousy can create.
The ABC Model
In the example below the letters A, B, C are used to stand for the following:
A = Activating Event (i.e. a situation which might cause you to get jealous)
B = Beliefs (the thoughts & beliefs that go through your mind)
C = Consequences (what you then feel and how you then act).
Examples of the ABC Model
On the next page are 2 examples of how you might analyse 2 different situations
where you start to feel jealous, using the ABC Model format. The first situation
relates to the kind of jealousy which I called Rival-Jealousy in Section 1, where you
are fearful of losing your partner to someone else. The second situation relates to
the kind of jealousy which I called Envy-Jealousy, where you are envious of
someone else who you feel is ‘better’ than you or luckier than you in some way:
17
1. ABC Analysis: Rival-Jealousy Example:
For this example, I am assuming that the person writing is female and has a male
partner but the example can work equally well if genders are different – just change
the genders of the people in the example:
(A) (B) (C)

Activating Event Beliefs Consequences
We are out at a I think: I react by being irritable & am

meal with friends He must fancy her … unable to concentrate
and my partner, She is more attractive properly on the meal or the
Mike, is talking to than I am…he finds her conversation.
one of my friends, more interesting than
Jane. me…she is trying to get I feel angry, hurt & humiliated.
him away from me…he
is going to have an affair When we get home I remark
with her… sarcastically to Mike that he
seems to find Jane very
interesting and that he seems
to like the ‘intelligent’ type.
He reacts defensively and I

accuse him of having
something to hide.
2. ABC Analysis: Envy-Jealousy Example

This time, I am assuming that the writer is a male person who has a male friend he
is envious of but the example can work equally well if the writer is female – just
change the genders of the people in the example to fit your situation as appropriate:
(A) (B) (C)

My friend rings me I think: I react by giving him lukewarm

up to tell me that How come he gets all congratulations only and
he has got a new the lucky breaks…I work highlight some potential
job in a senior as hard as he does but problems with the job.
position I’m stuck in a dead end He sounds a bit disappointed.
job…
I feel annoyed with myself that
I have spoilt his enjoyment
because of my envy.
18
One of the tasks at the end of this section will be asking you to create your own
ABC Analysis to analyse what happens for you when you get jealous in a similar
way.
Are Your Beliefs Justified?
In the examples given in this section and probably in your own ABC Analysis, you
may realise that the Beliefs (the middle column) play a crucial part.
It is your beliefs about the activating event which are stimulating you to feel angry
or hurt and to react in a jealous way. So if you want to stop acting in a jealous way
then it will help if you can find a way of either changing those beliefs (if they are
inaccurate) or dealing with them constructively (if they may be accurate but are still
leading you to act in ways which you later regret).
Analysing Your Beliefs

To help deal with your beliefs, begin by answering the following 3 questions about
the beliefs that come into your mind in the situation described in your ABC Model:
1. Why do I believe this?
2. What alternative explanations are there?
3. Are my beliefs reasonable?
In answering question 1. consider whether your beliefs are simply the result of
some of the factors in your personal history that may make your prone to being
jealous that you identified in Exercise 1 of Section 2.
Consider whether the circumstances would lead someone else who doesn’t have
your personal history to draw the same conclusions that you automatically drew in
the situation – would that neutral person be likely to hold the same beliefs about the
significance of the situation that you automatically arrived at or would they not see
the situation as so significant?
In answering question 2, ask yourself whether there are more innocent or less
extreme interpretations of the situation which a neutral person might put forward –
for instance, in my Example 1 of the ABC model, an alternative interpretation might
be simply:
‘Mike is enjoying talking to Jane because he feels relaxed and is interested in the
subject. This doesn’t mean he is going to have an affair with her.’
In my Example 2 of the ABC model, relating to envy, an alternative way of

interpreting and looking at the situation might be:
19
‘He has done well to get a good job – I haven’t managed to get the job I want so far,
but maybe I can learn from him as to what might give me more chance of getting a
job I like.’
Once you have thought about why you interpret the situation in the way that you do
and what the alternatives are, then try to use that comparison to help you decide
whether your beliefs are reasonable. Then I suggest that you create a Balancing
Statement – the nature of the Balancing Statement will depend on whether you
decide that your beliefs are reasonable or not, as described below.
Creating a Balancing Statement
What is a Balancing Statement?
A Balancing Statement is a statement that you can say to yourself to balance out
the beliefs that you have identified which are causing you to act in a jealous way.
1. If on analysis you think your beliefs are unreasonable
If you decide that your beliefs are unreasonable then use a balancing statement
which explains why the belief is not justified by the situation and gives an
alternative reasonable or possible explanation. If it helps, you can also include an
explanation of why it is that you have a tendency to arrive at a belief which is not
justified.
So in my Example 1 ABC Analysis earlier, a Balancing Statement would include the

alternative explanation of the situation and perhaps explain why you jumped to a
more dramatic conclusion than was warranted. The Balancing Statement might be
for example:
‘Mike is enjoying talking to Jane because he feels relaxed and is interested in the
subject. This doesn’t mean he is going to have an affair with her. I jumped to an
irrational conclusion about this because I am feeling vulnerable at the moment as I
have just come out of relationship which didn’t work well’.
2. If on analysis you think your beliefs are reasonable
If you decide that your beliefs are reasonable, i.e. that the evidence supports the
interpretation you placed on the situation, then your balancing statement may be of
a different nature.
In this case, I suggest you ask yourself the following question:
Given that my belief is reasonable, what is the best way I can act in this situation to
achieve as positive outcome as I can?
20
You might for example decide that the outcome that you want is to be able to have
an honest relationship with Mike and to be resolve potential problems if possible. If
that is so, then your Balancing Statement in the situation might be something like:
‘After reflecting on this situation and on other situations, I believe that Mike may be
having an affair with Jane, and this is not simply because I sometimes suspect the
worst. However, reacting angrily and jealously is unlikely to improve the situation. It
will be better for me to speak with a friend I trust about this and try and work out
how I want to act in this situation, what I want to say to Mike and how best to say it.’
What are the consequences if your belief is true?

It can also help you in creating a Balancing Statement to ask yourself what are the
consequences if your belief is true?
Sometimes what you fear, though unpleasant or painful, may not actually be as
unbearable as you think.
Sometimes therefore a Balancing Statement may be of the form:
‘It is possible that my belief is true. However, even if it is true, I can still do X…or [I
still have Y in my life]…or [I can still do Z to cope with the situation…].’
Your Tasks from this Section

1. Complete an ABC Analysis of a typical situation where you might jealous using
the form in Assignment 5 on the next page.
2. Complete Assignment 6, creating some Balancing Statements that you use

when you experience jealous thoughts – if you are not sure of how to create a
Balancing Statement reread the guidance in this section first.
3. Insert your balancing statements into the Action table in your Project Plan (p.36)
– reminding yourself to use them when you find yourself thinking the sorts of
thoughts you have identified in your ABC Analysis.
21
Assignment 5: ABC Analysis
Create an ABC Analysis of what happens when you get jealous. Set out in the table
a typical example of a kind of situation where you might, or have, become jealous
or envious and analyse it in terms of what the activating event was (or might be),
your beliefs/thoughts and the consequences in terms of your possible or actual
actions and your feelings:
(A) (B) (C)

I think… I react by…
I feel…
22
Assignment 6: Balancing Statements
Copy the Beliefs from your own ABC Model (from Assignment 5).
Then create 1 or more Balancing Statement for each Belief, to help you put it in
perspective and remind yourself of alternative explanations or of how you can act
constructively in the situation.
Beliefs My Balancing Statements
I tend to think… If that thought occurs then I can say to myself…
1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.
4. 4.
Now insert your balancing statements into the Action table in your Project Plan –
reminding you to use them when you find yourself thinking the sorts of thoughts you
have identified under the Beliefs column.
23
Section 5
Situations that Trigger Jealousy

So far, we have considered:
o Explanations for Jealousy (Section 2)
o Changing Jealousy Behaviour (Section 3) and
o Dealing with Jealous Thoughts and Feelings (Section 4).
Another possible approach is to identify in advance the types of situations – or

features of situations – where you think that you are most likely to react jealously
and to prepare strategies in advance for preventing or dealing with those situations.
You might be aware already of some such situations or factors. For example, if you
drink alcohol this is likely to reduce your ability to control your reactions or to think
rationally and therefore you may be at greater risk of acting jealously in situations
where you have been drinking. Or you might identify that there are certain types of
social situations where you feel more nervous and therefore might be more prone
to react in ways which you later think were irrational.
It may therefore be worth you identifying these situations in advance and creating a
plan either to reduce the chances of the situation arising, or if you don’t want to
avoid the situation – because it is something you enjoy or something you are
obliged to attend – then reflect on what strategies you are going to use to help in
the situation.
An example analysis is given below.
Jealousy Triggers Analysis - Example

Situation or Factor that May Trigger Proposed Strategies
Jealousy or Make it More Likely
Before my partner arrives home, go
When my partner comes home late through the Balancing Thoughts
from work (I tend to imagine the worst) Exercise from Section 4 to prepare
myself and help me to keep possible
jealous thoughts in check
When I am in a social situation and o Remind myself of my good
start comparing myself with others points to bolster my confidence
there o Limit drinking to 1 small glass
of wine to avoid becoming too
disinhibited.
24
Assignment 7: Jealousy Triggers
Identify situations or factors that may trigger jealousy in you or make it more likely
and specify some simple practical suggestions as to things you might do to reduce
the risk from these factors.
Situation or Factor that May Trigger Proposed Strategies

Jealousy or Make it More Likely
Now add any of the proposed strategies from this table that you think may be
helpful as Actions in your Project Plan (p.36).
25
Section 6
Jealousy, Insecurity and Self Esteem
Overview
Where jealousy relates to a person who is important to you such as a partner, a

feeling of insecurity – or a fear of losing the security and preciousness of your
current relationship with that person – may well be a feature.
As we saw earlier when examining possible reasons why people feel jealous, that
sense of insecurity or fear of losing or being let down by the other person may arise
because of events in your past or because of features of your current relationship.
The exact focus of how you go about trying to counter this sense of insecurity or
fear of what might happen is likely to depend on the particular background and
features of the jealousy that you experience. In addition to the specific techniques
outlined in earlier sections you may find some of the following approaches helpful:
o Complete the Assignment on the next page to help acknowledge and build
up your sense of your own worth so that you come to realise that your
personal value and the possibility of you having a fulfilling future is not wholly
dependent on your relationship with that other person even if they are
extremely important to you.
o Create and follow some personal goals so that you can build up some sense
of independent achievement which is not wholly dependent on your
relationship with that other person. This does not in any way negate the
value of your relationship with them - In a healthy relationship it may even
strengthen your relationship and the other person will recognise your right to
have personal goals.
o Work in partnership with that other person where possible to improve the
relationship itself and to communicate effectively within it, to help you to feel
more secure within the relationship
If the type of jealousy that you are experiencing is not related to a relationship you
are in but is more about envy of other people who seem to you to be in situations or
enjoy success or advantages which you do not have, then the first two approaches
described above (Building up your sense of personal worth and following personal
goals) may still be helpful for you, as a lack of self esteem may well be contributing
to your envy.
26
Assignment 8: Building Self Worth
Experiencing jealousy can lead you to feel ashamed and doubt your own worth.
Use the exercise below to remind yourself of some of your strengths and qualities.
Strengths and Qualities
1. List below anything that friends, colleagues or family might say were:
o Personal qualities that you have
o Things you have achieved in your life
o Your strengths or abilities
o What they appreciate in you
(If you are not sure what they would say then ask them!)
Others would say the following positive things about me …
2. Are there any other qualities, achievements or strengths that you value in
yourself which are not listed above? Sometimes what you are proud of may be
something different. That may be even more important than what you have
listed in 1 above as the things that others see in you.
List what you are proud of below:
I am proud that…
- Once you have completed your list, if you think that self esteem is relevant
to jealousy for you then add an action to your Project Plan (p.36) to remind
yourself of these positive aspects on a regular basis or when required.
27
Assignment 9: Personal Goals
1. Over the next 3-6 months what are the personal or professional goals that you
would like to work towards? These could involve:
o maintaining or progressing achievements in some way in a career direction
o using your time differently or taking on a new interest
o developing new relationships or improving current relationships*
o anything else that is something you want to set yourself as a goal to pursue
or explore
* Since the focus of this exercise is to help you build up some goals independently
of any relationship you may have where jealousy is an issue, for the purposes of
this exercise if you create relationship goals then try to create them with respect to
relationships other than the one where jealousy is an issue.
List your personal goals or areas of interest below
Some personal goals or areas of interest I would like to explore in the next 3-6
months are …
2. Looking at the goals or areas of interest above, please indicate 1-3 actions that
you are willing to commit yourself to doing in the next 2 weeks to help you start
moving towards any of those goals:
Specific actions that I am willing to try out in the next 2 weeks to contribute even if
in a small way towards personal goals are:
- Once you have identified some specific actions you are willing to try
out, add them onto your Project Plan (p.36).
28
Section 7: Trust and Communication
Overview
As suggested in the last Section, feelings of insecurity in a relationship or in
yourself and your situation can play a major part in jealousy.
Where your jealousy relates to a person who is important to you such as a partner,
it may be that there is a lack of full trust in the other person, which could be for a
number of different reasons, such as:
o a previous breach of trust in the relationship

o your own previous experience of having been let down by someone or
o your own experience of having let someone down yourself.
If your jealousy is of the type which relates to envy of another person then the
situation may be slightly different. Nonetheless if you want to build a more
constructive and positive relationship with the person of whom you are envious, it
makes sense to find ways of building trust with them.
How to Build Trust

Building trust in a relationship usually involves:
A. Mutual respect
B. Communicating honestly but also sensitively
C. Reliability
D. Being supportive but also allowing the other person a reasonable degree of
independence
Everyone has their own individual vulnerabilities and weaknesses in relationships –

no one is perfect. Your weakness might be your tendency to jealousy. Your partner
or the person you are jealous of will have their own flaws too. If you can each
demonstrate some understanding for each other’s imperfections and a willingness
to help where possible and reasonable, this will help to improve your relationship
and the trust between you.
Tips for Building Trust
Below is a general list of actions that may be worth considering to help you build
trust. I have stated these with reference to a relationship with a partner, but they will
also apply to most other relationships:
1. When your partner does something you like, let them know that you
appreciate it and value what they have done.
2. If you say you’re going to do something then do it.
29
3. If you feel you have done something you regret, then apologise – and if you
can, give some thought to how you can avoid doing it again.
4. If your partner is or has been acting in a way which you don’t like, then try to
explain to them calmly how you would like them to act. If you just keep quiet
about your own needs and wishes they may not realise what those needs
are and it will be harder for them to respond helpfully and sensitively.
5. Be prepared to compromise if reasonable.
6. If frustrations or antagonism are or have been developing between you and
your partner then sometimes it may be better to cool off before broaching a
topic. Try to be constructive if you can and if you’re not sure what way to act
to be constructive then ask your partner what they would like.
7. Recognise the positives in your relationship and try to build on them if
possible.
8. If there are times or situations when you know your behaviour may become
unpredictable then consider letting the other person know in advance and
negotiating with them how you will both try to act in the situation to help it
remain positive.
9. Recognise that you are a valuable if imperfect human being and worthy of
respect.
10. Recognise that your partner too is a valuable if imperfect human being and
try to treat them with respect.
Should I Tell the Other Person about my Jealousy?
If you feel jealous then you may be ashamed of your feelings and reluctant to admit
them to your partner or to the person you are jealous of.
It may be that the other person will have guessed that you are jealous or accused
you of jealousy because of the way you are behaving, but it is possible that they will
not have done so because you have managed to hide your jealousy or because it
hasn’t occurred to them that you might be jealous.
I am not going to give you definitive advice on whether you should tell them about
your jealousy, but I simply ask you to read through the list of the 4 items involved in
building trust that are identified above and the list of 10 tips for building trust and
then ask yourself whether explaining to your partner (or the person you are jealous
of) is more likely to help towards building trust in your relationship or not.
If you do decide to speak to your partner or the other person involved about your
jealousy then I would suggest the following:
1. Try to explain your feelings at a time and in a situation of relative calmness

rather than in the heat of the moment.
2. Make it clear that you are acknowledging your jealousy not to excuse it but
in order to:
30
o Enable your partner, or other person involved, to understand how you are
feeling and why
o Explore what you can do to help deal with your jealousy and the situation
o See if there is anything that the other person can reasonably do to help
prevent a situation arising where you become jealous or to help you deal
with your jealousy when it arises.
3. If the reasons for your jealousy involve some actions by your partner or the
other person that you would like them to change, then:
o First acknowledge positives that they bring to the relationship
o Be specific in explaining what behaviour you would like them to change
and why.
Your Tasks from this Section

1. Complete Assignment 10 on the next page, identifying what you are ready to
commit to do in order to try to build more trust in your relationship and/or
improve communication.
2. Add those actions you are prepared to commit to into your Project Plan. Your
Project Plan should now be complete and ready for use – read through it to
check you are happy with it and make any final adjustments if necessary to
make it into a Plan which can guide you and stimulate you to take control of
your situation in a positive way and move forward.
31
Assignment 10: Communication and Trust
After reading through Section 7 of this Guide select 2 things that you feel you could
do more of which might help you to build more trust and/or communicate better in a
relationship in which your jealousy has featured. Add those 2 actions into your
Project Plan in a way which you believe is achievable.
1.
2.
32
Conclusion
This Guide has contained some initial ideas to help you to deal with jealous feelings
and thoughts in a positive constructive way with exercises to help you structure
your choices and decisions into a useful Project Plan.
When you have completed your Project Plan try to act on it!
If you find that you achieve some of the actions in the plan and that they bring
positive results then congratulate yourself and see if you can keep it up.
If sometimes you forget to do what you planned or slip up, don’t be too hard on
yourself. Decide whether the intended action was too difficult and you want to
modify it for next time or try something else or whether you think you can give it a
go next time.
Review and adjust your Project Plan at regular intervals so that it continues to act
as a Guide until you no longer need it.
Achieving change can sometimes be a gradual process. Recognise and value any
successes that you have and try to learn from things which don’t work out..
If you feel that you might benefit from telephone coaching support to help you
progress further then please feel free to contact me by phone or email for details of
coaching options currently available or visit my website for further information.
Feedback on the content or helpfulness of this Guide is also welcome. Please

email your comments to: dbc@davidbonham-carter.com.
Contact Details
Phone: 0117 230 3119 (UK) or +44 117 230 3119 (International)
Email: dbc@davidbonham-carter.com
Website: www.davidbonham-carter.com
I hope you have found this guide helpful and wish you the best of luck with your
efforts to achieve fruitful and harmonious relationships.
Best wishes
David Bonham-Carter
Life Coach
33
Forms
On the next two pages you can find the following forms:
Sample Project Plan – To give an idea of what someone might put in their Project
Plan
Your Project Plan (To be filled in by you as you go through this Guide and complete
Assignments contained in it)
34
Sample Project Plan for Overcoming Jealousy
[Note: Information contained in this plan is imaginary and does not relate to any real individual –
Any similarity to any real person is entirely coincidental]
Project Name: Harmony

Name: Sally Serendipity Date of Start of Project: 10 May 2008
OUTCOMES TO AIM FOR (Medium Term)

 A relaxed relationship with my partner, Peter
 Greater trust and communication
 Better self esteem
 No longer feeling guilty about the way I act
COMMITMENT:
I am committed to trying to do my best to deal in a positive way with my feelings
of jealousy, using practical techniques and ideas.
Actions to Try Out (To be reviewed and updated at regular intervals)

 Use my Project Name as an email password (suitably adapted to ensure security) so
that I am reminded of what I am aiming for.
 When I am about to jump to a conclusion that Peter is going to be unfaithful to me,
instead:
o Remind myself of the reasons underlying my jealousy (Assignment 2)
o Ask myself what alternative explanations there are for his behaviour
 Make a conscious effort to avoid particular jealous actions as stated below, reminding
myself that they do not help towards the Outcomes I want to achieve which are listed at
the top of this plan:
o Avoid checking Peter’s mobile phone messages
o Don’t shout at Peter or making accusations in the heat of the moment
 If I find myself feeling hurt when Peter seems to be giving someone else attention:
o Take a breath and count to 10 rather than make a knee-jerk response
o Try to focus on something else for 10 seconds
o Remind myself of all the things that Peter does which makes me know that they
care for me and love me
 If Peter is talking to someone and I think ‘He thinks they’re really good-looking’ remind
myself of the following Balancing Statements:
o He may think they’re quite good looking but that doesn’t mean he will act on that
impulse. He has never done so before and he has always been honest with me.
o My friends tell me he is always looking at me and talking about me in a way which
shows how much he cares for me.
 Avoid alcohol if I’m in a social situation with Peter where I’m nervous
 Read through my qualities and achievements from Assignment 8 daily
 Ensure I spend some time each week with friends or on my own doing things that I am
interested in, enjoy or am good at
 Don’t expect Peter to be perfect – appreciate him for what he is
 Commit myself to talking through issues with Peter in a calm environment if I feel they
are important
35
Project Name:
My Name: Date of Start of Project:
OUTCOMES TO AIM FOR (Medium Term)




MY COMMITMENT:
Actions to Try Out (To be reviewed and updated at regular intervals)
36
Additional Resources
Author’s Website: www.davidbonham-carter.com
Other Coaching Books by David Bonham-Carter

“Dealing with a Jealous Partner”
“AWAKE from Anxiety”
“CBT Techniques to Beat Negative Thinking”
“Changing Your Life - A Practical Guide”
“Low Self Esteem – How to Deal with It”
“How to Be Assertive”
“50 Life Coaching Exercises”
For Details of any of the above Books, Go To:

www.davidbonham-carter.com/books.html
Other EBooks on Jealousy

Dealing with a Jealous Partner - by David Bonham-Carter
An E-Book for the partner of someone experiencing jealousy – Further details available at:
http://www.davidbonham-carter.com/jealousy-partner.html
No More Jealousy - by Susie & Otto Collins

EBook program for overcoming jealousy (with free 40 minute audio also available) by
relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins - Further details available at:
http://www.mcssl.com/app/aftrack.asp?afid=794151&u=www.nomorejealousy.com
Tackling Jealousy - by Alison Finch

EBook specifically for women experiencing jealousy – Further details available at:
http://www.selfesteem4women.com/jealousy.php?ad=afftxt3&a_aid=0f9d3fce&a_bid=b168de1a
Coaching Enquiries
For information about telephone life coaching services offered by David Bonham-Carter,
send an email to dbc@davidbonham-carter.com or visit www.davidbonham-carter.com
37

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Overcoming Jealousy – A Practical Guide

A Step-by-Step Guide to Controlling

How to Use this Guide

Section 1: What is Jealousy?

Section 2: Why Are You Jealous?

Section 3: Changing Your Jealous Behaviour

Section 4: Dealing with Your Jealous Thoughts and Feelings

Section 5: Situations that Trigger Jealousy

Section 6: Jealousy, Insecurity and Self Esteem

Section 7: Trust and Communication

 CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (particularly helpful in dealing

When you complete an Assignment, please follow instructions within the

The Two Types of Jealousy

1. Suspicion and Fear of Possible Rivals –For example, if you are in a

Common Features of the Two Types of Jealousy

o A tendency to compare yourself to someone else

1. Rival-Jealousy – This type of jealousy is more likely to involve a fear of

2. Envy-Jealousy – With this type of jealousy, you may have:

a. an underlying wish or desire to be different from the way you are, or

In Section 2, I will be looking at possible factors which may lead you to be

Is Jealousy a Normal Emotion?

Jealousy and Self Esteem

Jealousy can be partly caused by a lack of self esteem, either: –

It can therefore be helpful in tackling jealousy to find ways of:

o Building your self esteem

Different people will have different views as to what is a reasonable or respectful

Why Are You Jealous?

Possible Causes of Jealousy

1. Possible Childhood Factors

o A lack of security or stability in your childhood or problems in close family

3. Possible Factors in Your Current Relationship

I believe that the main reasons for my jealousy are …

I am committed to trying to do my best to deal in a positive way with my feelings

Changing Your Jealous Behaviour

To do this, in sections 3-5 we will look at 3 different aspects of jealousy:

Use the form in Assignment 3 on the next page to note down:

Ways in Which I Tend to Act When Problems this Can Cause

Dealing with Your Jealous Thoughts and Feelings

In this section I am going to explain a cognitive behavioural model, known as the

The ABC Model

B = Beliefs (the thoughts & beliefs that go through your mind)

Examples of the ABC Model

(A) (B) (C)

We are out at a I think: I react by being irritable & am

He reacts defensively and I

2. ABC Analysis: Envy-Jealousy Example

(A) (B) (C)

My friend rings me I think: I react by giving him lukewarm

Are Your Beliefs Justified?

Analysing Your Beliefs

1. Why do I believe this?

2. What alternative explanations are there?

3. Are my beliefs reasonable?

In my Example 2 of the ABC model, relating to envy, an alternative way of

Creating a Balancing Statement

What is a Balancing Statement?

1. If on analysis you think your beliefs are unreasonable

So in my Example 1 ABC Analysis earlier, a Balancing Statement would include the

2. If on analysis you think your beliefs are reasonable

In this case, I suggest you ask yourself the following question:

What are the consequences if your belief is true?

Sometimes therefore a Balancing Statement may be of the form:

Your Tasks from this Section

2. Complete Assignment 6, creating some Balancing Statements that you use