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Copyright 2018
ACT ONE
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
A televised poker game is taking place. QUAGMIRE is seated at
a poker table with MAYOR WEST, CAL TOMLINSON (50), JENNIFER
HARMAN (50), and a POKER DEALER.
PETER, JOE, and CLEVELAND are seated in the audience,
drinking beer, and watching the game along with 200 other
SPECTATORS.
PETER
or a Queen?
JOE
A Queen.
PETER
OPRAH WINFREY
offensive.
PETER
DR. PHIL
OPRAH WINFREY
Idiots.
PETER
JOE
(ANNOYED) A three.
PETER
JOE
CLEVELAND
JOE
CLEVELAND
repeatedly.
QUAGMIRE
QUAGMIRE (CONT’D)
STEWIE
BRIAN
my new novel.
STEWIE
BRIAN
STEWIE
BRIAN
properly?
CHRIS
TOM TUCKER
CHRIS
CONSUELA
Consuela.
TOM TUCKER
casino.
He attacks Black Man 2, and they have a stereotypical
blaxploitation kung fu fight.
BLACK MAN 2
BLACK MAN
BLACK MAN 2
casino.
STDs.
7.
CONSUELA
PETER
my phone.
He takes out his cell phone and plays a Three Stooges video.
PETER (CONT’D)
QUAGMIRE
breasts.
Jennifer Harman flips over her hand.
JENNIFER HARMAN
QUAGMIRE
Stewie and Brian are still watching the poker game on TV.
STEWIE
BRIAN
sleazeball.
STEWIE
CONSUELA
book.
STEWIE
CONSUELA
She exits the home, and Brian and Stewie watch from the
window and see her getting on a bus.
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
Quagmire, Mayor West, and Cal Tomlinson are involved in a
hand. On screen, we can see graphics of the players' hidden
hole cards--Mayor West: two "Draw Four" Uno cards; Quagmire:
2s 5d; Cal Tomlinson: Jd 8d. The community cards on the table
are Jh As 7c.
Quagmire puts in some chips.
TOM TUCKER (V.O)
high!
Tomlinson and Mayor West quickly call.
PETER
CLEVELAND
PETER
CLAP)
The Dealer puts a 6 of hearts on the board. Tomlinson and
Mayor West check, and Quagmire bets.
10.
CHRIS (V.O.)
CONSUELA (V.O.)
CAL TOMLINSON
I call.
He puts in some chips.
Mayor West flips over his Draw Four cards and puts them in
front of Quagmire and Tomlinson.
MAYOR WEST
Draw four!
The Dealer hold up a red (soccer referee) card.
TOM TUCKER (V.O.)
MAYOR WEST
QUAGMIRE
Alright!
PETER
Goooooooooaaaaaalllll!
Goooooooooaaaaaalllll! El Quagmire
DR. PHIL
TOMLINSON
CONSUELA (V.O.)
QUAGMIRE
I call.
CAL TOMLINSON
I was bluffing.
Champion of Poker!
Indeed he is.
money on hookers.
STEWIE
TV.
Brian changes the channel.
(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
JERRY SEINFELD is performing.
13.
JERRY SEINFELD
and a pop?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Stewie laughs.
BRIAN
channel.
Stewie puts a knife to Brian's throat.
STEWIE
French kiss?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Stewie is drinking milk, and he laughs so hard, the milk
comes flying out of his nose.
14.
on the plane?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
STEWIE
sculpture, or a novel.
STEWIE
novel?
BRIAN
Well. Yeah.
STEWIE
Does your novel ask the important
STEWIE
comedian!
BRIAN
ACT TWO
for?
Peter takes out a $100 bill.
PETER
hundred?
Close up on Peter's watch. It says 1:00.
Cut to it saying 2:00. All the money is next to Peter.
PETER (CONT’D)
QUAGMIRE
club card.
CLEVELAND
And my wife.
Peter is using the moustache comb on his teeth. BONNIE is
sitting next to him.
PETER
ever.
PETER
Well. You did OK, too. You won my
wife.
LOIS is sitting next to Joe.
LOIS
poker chip.
20.
PETER
LOIS
work.
INT. COMEDY CLUB - DAY
A stereotypical BLACK COMEDIAN is performing for a small
AUDIENCE. Brian and Stewie walk in and make their way to a
table.
21.
BLACK COMEDIAN
Grape-Nuts?
Stewie and Brian sit at a table in the back.
A WAITRESS walks by their table.
STEWIE
"eklikhikhligillekhleh."
STEWIE
foreigners!
BLACK COMEDIAN
drink juice.
Stewie is drinking from a yellow sippy cup.
STEWIE
working.
INT. GRIFFIN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Peter and Lois are sitting on the sofa watching TV. Peter is
wearing a tuxedo and eating beans out of a can. MEG enters.
MEG
eating Beefaroni?
LOIS
millionaires.
PETER
MEG
Hills?
LOIS
MEG
LOIS
money.
PETER
ever need.
PETER
table.
The doorbell rings. Lois opens it to reveal a traditionally
dressed JAPANESE MESSENGER.
JAPANESE MESSENGER
LOIS
JAPANESE MESSENGER
Ostrich Farm.
PETER
dollars.
LOIS
CHRIS
STEWIE
along nicely.
BRIAN
Career plan?
STEWIE
television.
BRIAN
steps.
STEWIE
STEWIE (CONT’D)
world.
The camera changes angles to reveal everyone seated at the
table.
MAYOR WEST (CONT’D)
DARYL HALL
PETER
are.
Close up on Dr. Phil's watch. It says 3:00. Cut to it saying
3:30.
Peter and Lois are involved in a hand with Dr. Phil. Many
bricks of hundred dollars pills are in the pot, and stacked
up very high.
PETER
Fish.
LOIS
PETER
Well. In that case....
Peter pushes a high tower of hundred dollar bill bricks
forward.
PETER (CONT’D)
dollars.
DR. PHIL
fat bastard.
PETER
I raise.
Peter puts Lois on the table. He pushes her and many stacks
of bills forward.
PETER (CONT’D)
Lois.
DR. PHIL
LOIS
betting me!
PETER
Doctor?
DR. PHIL
I fold.
MATT DAMON
PETER
Go Fish.
LOIS
call.
Mayor West and Peter both turn over their hands: Jd 5h, and
Jc 5c. Old west showdown music plays in the background.
Everyone gets up and hides behind a table, except for Peter,
Lois, and Matt Damon.
PETER
death.
LOIS
Why?
32.
DR. PHIL
What?!
DR. PHIL
poker rules.
DARYL HALL
Affleck.
LOIS
JENNIFER GARNER
want a divorce.
INT. DAY CARE CENTER - DAY
Stewie is performing for a bunch of other BABIES. Brian is
standing in the back of the room.
STEWIE
BABY
It tastes good.
STEWIE
STEWIE (CONT’D)
Nut Cheerios.
BABY
Exactly, Brian.
BRIAN
STEWIE
Then go get a box of Cinnamon Toast
STEWIE
that often.
EXT. DAY CARE CENTER - DAY
Brian and Stewie are standing outside of the day care center.
35.
STEWIE
Clinton's?
STEWIE
ACT THREE
you.
QUAGMIRE
PETER
QUAGMIRE
Sure.
They walk in.
CLEVELAND
What people?
CLEVELAND
CLEVELAND
West's room?
PETER
LOIS
Damon.
PETER
are you?
JOE
Of course not. I mean, you both had
him.
CLEVELAND
PETER
six.
JOE
Three Stooges.
Peter turns on the TV.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON
Glenn Quagmire.
Quagmire walks onto the stage.
41.
Quagmire...
Peter points a gun at Quagmire's head
PETER (CONT’D)
Oh.
Peter points a gun at the Quagmire on TV.
PETER (CONT’D)
awesome!
42.
QUAGMIRE
I guess so.
Jimmy Fallon laughs and claps for a few second, and then he
punches Quagmire in the face.
JIMMY FALLON
PETER
Matt Damon.
43.
Matt Damon.
QUAGMIRE
Damon!
OSTRICH
Eeeeaaah!
The Ostrich lays an egg.
JIMMY FALLON
Mango juice.
The audience laughs a little, and Jimmy Fallon (still at his
desk) starts laughing hysterically.
44.
JIMMY FALLON
British accent.
STEWIE
day?"
JIMMY FALLON
grapes in it.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONT’D)
Or nuts.
The audience laughs much harder.
STEWIE (CONT’D)
Brian Griffin."
JIMMY FALLON
STEWIE
And what exactly is the deal with
ham.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONT’D)
STEWIE (CONT’D)
Vagina.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONT’D)
Jerry Seinfeld.
JERRY SEINFELD runs up to Stewie and beats the crap out of
him. He then sits down with Jimmy Fallon.
JIMMY FALLON (CONT’D)
prostitute?
THE END