Play #14

The Gideon Vaudeville

__________________________

A short play written for

the 2018
31 Plays in 31 Days
Challenge

By Joseph Frost

Contact:
Joseph Frost
4550 Normandy Dr
Jackson, MS 39206
FrostJosephD@gmail.com
 Two actors. Vaudeville style banter.

GIDEON
This is a story of the people of Israel.

ANGEL
And of a man named Gideon.

GIDEON
Hi, I’m Gideon.

ANGEL
And I’m someone we’ll meet later.

GIDEON
The people of Israel, from time to time, would sin against the Lord God.

ANGEL
And when they would sin, the Lord would allow them to be ruled by another nation.

GIDEON
At this time, the nation that ruled Israel was called Midian.

ANGEL
The Midianites were much stronger, and in much greater numbers than the people Israel.

GIDEON
And the Israelites would hide from them in caves high above the valley.

ANGEL
Every time the Midianites would leave the valley to return to their land...

GIDEON
The Israelites would come down from the hills and plant crops.

ANGEL
When the crops grew, the Midianites would return, and take everything.

GIDEON
Destroy the fields.

ANGEL
Eat all of the crops.
 2.

GIDEON
Take the sheep and cattle.

ANGEL
And leave absolutely nothing for the Israelites.

GIDEON
Who cried out to the Lord to save them from the Midianites.

ANGEL
The Lord sent a message.

GIDEON
Through a prophet.

Angel is on a box or otherwise raised up.

ANGEL
I am the Lord thy God,

GIDEON
(impressed)
Thy...

ANGEL
I brought thee out of Egypt,

GIDEON
Thee!

ANGEL
I released thee from slavery, I led thee unto this land.

GIDEON
Double thee!

ANGEL
I told you--

GIDEON
(with ‘you’)
Thee.

Angel looks at gideon.

 3.

As Angel continues, Gideon takes out an idol (a

golden animal) and plays with it.

ANGEL
I am the Lord your God, and asked you not to worship the gods of this land, but only me,
and instead you have not listened to me.

Gideon realizes what he’s done. Hides the idol.

GIDEON
What?

ANGEL
And so, an Angel of the Lord - that’s me - came to the land belonging to Joash, an
Israelite, and sat beneath an oak tree.

GIDEON
Gideon, Son of Joash was working nearby, secretly threshing wheat in a winepress,
careful that the Midianites didn’t see him.

ANGEL
And the Angel said to him... Hey. Hey, Gideon.

GIDEON
Hm?

ANGEL
The Lord is with you, brave and mighty man.

Gideon looks around.

GIDEON
Why do you say the Lord is with us?

ANGEL
Because he is.

GIDEON
Where is he?

ANGEL
With you?
 4.

GIDEON
With me?

ANGEL
With all of you?

GIDEON
I’m just me. Is he with me?

ANGEL
He is also with you?

GIDEON
Prove it.

ANGEL
How?

GIDEON
If the Lord is with me...

ANGEL
He is.

GIDEON
Then why has all this happened?

ANGEL
All what?

GIDEON
This?

ANGEL
The winepress?

GIDEON
No. All the things.

ANGEL
All of them...

GIDEON
What happened to all the things that our fathers told us that the Lord has done?
 5.

ANGEL
What happened to them?

GIDEON
Yeah.

ANGEL
They happened.

GIDEON
Where are they?

ANGEL
Look, the Lord’s done so many things...

GIDEON
Yeah?

ANGEL
It’s like, the Lord’s done everything. There’s not anything he hasn’t done here.

GIDEON
Like?

ANGEL
Got you out of slavery.

GIDEON
Ok

ANGEL
Out of Egypt.

GIDEON
Ok

ANGEL
Led you here

GIDEON
Uh huh

ANGEL
Cleared people from here
 6.

GIDEON
Sure

ANGEL
Gave here to you

GIDEON
Right

ANGEL
There you go

GIDEON
Sure, but what about

ANGEL
What

GIDEON
What about the Midianites?

ANGEL
The Midianites.

GIDEON
Yes, the Midianites.

ANGEL
Oh, you think the Lord did the Midianites.

GIDEON
He did all the things.

ANGEL
You wanna know what about the Midianites.

GIDEON
I do.

ANGEL
I have a question.

GIDEON
Ok.
 7.

ANGEL
What about that idol in your hand?

Gideon throws the idol

GIDEON
What idol

ANGEL
That one. The one that’s there on that altar.

GIDEON
Yeah... that’s my dad’s. Altar. To Baal.

ANGEL
Baal is...

GIDEON
It’s a god. Kind of.

ANGEL
Not the Lord God, protector and provider for Israel.

GIDEON
Not so much.

ANGEL
Look. You’re gonna do something.

GIDEON
That so?

ANGEL
You’re going to go, with your strength and might, and defeat the Midianites.

GIDEON
I am?

ANGEL
Yes.

GIDEON
In my strength and might?

ANGEL
Well, I’m gonna send you.
 8.

GIDEON
You are.

ANGEL
Says the Lord God.

GIDEON
Right.

ANGEL
You’ll beat them as easy as if they were one man.

GIDEON
If they were one man, I could beat them easy.

ANGEL
That’s what I’m saying.

GIDEON
Ok. How do I know this is real?

ANGEL
Well...

GIDEON
Can I make you some food?

ANGEL
You wanna make me some food.

GIDEON
Yeah.

ANGEL
Make me some food.

GIDEON
Food? Um... well, I got this goat and some wheat but no yeast. And broth.

ANGEL
Broth?

GIDEON
Yeah, broth.
 9.

ANGEL
Sounds delish.

GIDEON
It’s what I have.

ANGEL
Put the meat on the rock with the wheat, pour the broth on top.

GIDEON
Mm k. Now what.

ANGEL
I got this stick.

GIDEON
Nice stick.

ANGEL
I touch the rock.
(beat)
BOOM!

GIDEON
It’s on fire.

ANGEL
That’s how we angels do it.

GIDEON
It’s like an altar.

ANGEL
It is.
(beat)
Got an idea.

Angel whispers a plan to Gideon.

Gideon acts out the next bit.

ANGEL
Gideon was told to tear down his father’s altar, and rebuild it as an altar to the Lord,
using the wooden symbols meant for other gods to burn the meat of his father’s bull.
(beat)
He was afraid to do this in the day, so he did it at night.
 10.

But in the morning, there’s a new altar and the old one was gone. When everyone
wanted to kill Gideon because he’d taken down the altar to Baal, Gideon said..

GIDEON
If the altar is Baal’s then let Baal defend himself!

ANGEL
Which of course he did not.

GIDEON
And that’s a good sign that the Lord is on my side...

ANGEL
I’d say so.

GIDEON
But I have an idea.

ANGEL
Ok.

Gideon pulls out a fleece.

GIDEON
Ok, so I got here this wool fleece.

ANGEL
Nice.

GIDEON
Yeah. What i’m gonna do here is put this on the ground tonight.

ANGEL
Ok.

GIDEON
If this is all really of God..

ANGEL
Yeah

GIDEON
In the morning, the fleece will be damp
 11.

ANGEL
Ok

GIDEON
But the ground dry

ANGEL
The fleece will be damp

GIDEON
At least moist

ANGEL
Ew

GIDEON
Yeah

ANGEL
But the ground will be dry

GIDEON
As a bone.

ANGEL
All right.

Gideon turns around during this next bit. Angel

pulls out a spray bottle and dampens the wool.

GIDEON
So I go to sleep tonight and I’ll wake up in the morning and I’ll come out and see that yep
the ground is dry but the fleece will be.
(checks fleece.)
(taken aback)
Huh. What do you know?

ANGEL
Is it?

GIDEON
What?
 12.

ANGEL
Damp.

GIDEON
Moist.

ANGEL
Ew.

GIDEON
Yeah.
(tosses fleece)
(pulls out second fleece)
I got this other fleece.

ANGEL
Lookie there.

GIDEON
I’m gonna put this fleece on the ground again.

ANGEL
(pulls up spray bottle)
Ok.

GIDEON
This time, I’ll know this is from the Lord if the fleece here is DRY

ANGEL
Oh. Dry.

GIDEON
But the ground all around here is wet.

ANGEL
Wet.

GIDEON
Damp.

ANGEL
Moist.

GIDEON
Ew.
 13.

ANGEL
Yeah.

GIDEON
No that’s it. That’s the thing.

ANGEL
Gotcha.

Angel follows Gideon spraying all of the

ground.

GIDEON
So again, i go to sleep and i wake up and come out and check the fleece and...
(checks)
Yep, totally dry
(checks ground)
But the ground is
(stops. Taken aback)
Huh.

ANGEL
It’s wet, isn’t it.

GIDEON
Yeah.

ANGEL
Yeah.

GIDEON
So I’m doing this.

ANGEL
Yeah you are. So Gideon goes and gathers men of Israel for an army.

GIDEON
Come on, y’all. Let’s army!

ANGEL
And he gathers thirty-two thousand men.

GIDEON
Yeah, baby!
 14.

ANGEL
Problem.

GIDEON
It’s not a lot of men, not as many as Midian. But with the Lord on our side, we’re good.

ANGEL
Lord is on your side.

GIDEON
Yes.

ANGEL
But there’s a problem.

GIDEON
What’s that.

ANGEL
Too many men.

GIDEON
Too many?

ANGEL
Yes.

GIDEON
Too many in Midian, you mean.

ANGEL
No.

GIDEON
Us? This is too many.

ANGEL
Tell the ones who want to go home...

GIDEON
What do I tell them

ANGEL
To go home.
 15.

GIDEON
Oh.

ANGEL
So he does.

GIDEON
And they do.

ANGEL
Twenty-two thousand go home.

GIDEON
Leaving ten thousand.
(beat)
That’s still a pile of guys. With the Lord on our side...

ANGEL
The Lord says it’s still too many.

GIDEON
We just lost two thirds of the men.

ANGEL
It’s still too many.

GIDEON
Too many.

ANGEL
Yeah.

GIDEON
Ok. So what now.

ANGEL
Take them down to the river.

GIDEON
To the river.

ANGEL
Yes.

GIDEON
You’re not gonna drown them.
 16.

ANGEL
They are to drink from the river.

GIDEON
Oh. Good. Ok. We can do that.

ANGEL
Separate the men the ones who put their faces down and lap like dogs...

GIDEON
Ok. That’s still a lot of guys...

ANGEL
who cup the water with their hand to drink...

GIDEON
Yeah, that’s like 300 guys.

ANGEL
Those are your guys.

GIDEON
300?

ANGEL
Perfect.

GIDEON
300.

ANGEL
Yes.

GIDEON
300...

ANGEL
And Gideon freaked out a little. But the Lord gave Gideon the chance to eavesdrop on
the Midianites, and overhear one man tell another his dream. He said
(as Midianite)
I dreamed that a loaf of barley bread rolled down the hill into our camp and knocked
down our tents.

GIDEON
They’re dreaming that we’re gonna win! They’re scared.
 17.

ANGEL
Gideon had the 300 Israelites get trumpets and torches hidden in jars, they surrounded the
Midianite camp,

GIDEON
Now! Blow the trumpets and break the jars!

ANGEL
The Midianite camp was surrounded by blaring trumpets and lights in the night. As they
ran away in fear, the Midianites went crazy and started stabbing each other.

GIDEON
And the Lord gave the people of Midian into the hands of Gideon and the people Israel.

ANGEL
Through the use of a plan that could only have come from the Lord God.

GIDEON
That’s right. Wasn’t my plan.

ANGEL
At all.

GIDEON
Wasn’t my preference.

ANGEL
Nope.

GIDEON
Never would have done it.

ANGEL
Without the hand of God.