The Parent Ego State

Sometimes parents treat their children in a loving way, speak kindly to them, offer shelter and
protection or take care of them in other ways. All this is coming from the nurturing parent Ego State. It
helps children grow. At other times parents criticize, make rules, give commands or punish their children.
Since the main objective of these behaviors is to control the child, they are known to be coming from
controlling parent ego state.
Because children repeatedly see parents be having in these two major ways and they
unconsciously copy these behaviors, their parent ego state also develops these two major aspects. We
call these two aspects the Nurturing Parent (NP) and the Controlling Parent (CP).
The Ego State:
In this ego state the person acts like a mature adult. In the adult ego state people attack
problems in a “cool-headed,” rational manner. They gather relevant information, carefully analyze it,
generate alternatives, and make logical choices. In the adult state people do not act impulsively or in a
domineering way. In dealings with other people, fairness and objectivity characterize the adult Ego State.
Thus adult Ego State is that part of the human personality that makes him take decisions on the basis of
facts, data and analysis of these facts and data. As a result we want all executives to be high on adult
Ego State. Because it is only when they are high on adult Ego State that their decisions will be more
objective and considered.
The Child Ego State:
Just as the parent Ego State has different aspects, so does the child, Ego State. They are
Natural Child; Little professor also known as creative child and Adaptive child.
The Natural Child is spontaneous, energetic, curious, loving uninhabited. It’s that part
of us that feels free and loves pleasures.
When we are in our Natural Child, we transact freely and openly with others. The Natural Child is
the Ego State we came into the world with as a newborn baby. It’s what comes naturally. A person high on
natural child is extrovert. He likes to make friends. He makes a success when put in charge of the work
involving contracts or the dealings with the public. The Natural Child is not entirely without fault, however, It
can be self centered, impatient and greedy Behaviors associated with these feelings are also typical of the
Adaptive Child. As a child we probably learned to adapt in different ways. For example, sometimes we
may have done what we were told; at other times we may have sulked or avoided the situation (by
withdrawing or procrastinating). As a grown up, we may still occasionally react the same way to a project
deadline. From their Adapted Child, people often react to external demand by; complying; sulking, or
creating unnecessary stress for them.

It is the Adaptive Child that may;

Try to please everyone in department;

Turn back on people with problems; or

Procrastinate by putting off work until the deadline passes.

These actions can stand in the way of choosing success.

Transactions between ego states:
One thing must be borne in mind that there can never be a standard personality mix.
Individuals always oscillate between these ego states depending on the situation. They

confront. We always change ourselves to suit the situational requirements. Introspection; and putting the
Adult in charge of the personality and deciding the behavioral requirements of the situation can do this. This
is what is known as putting the Adult as the Executive of the personality.
Although we know that people generally exhibit all three Ego States, but one state may
dominate the other two. The strong implication is, of course, is that the adult state is far superior to the
child or parent state, at least for effective interpersonal relations. However, the T A authors generally
stress that all three ego states are necessary for to a healthy personality.
More important than the Ego State per se is how one Ego State matches or conflicts with
another Ego State in interpersonal interaction the transaction. The transactions between ego states are at
the heart of TA and can be classified into the following.

Complementary Trasactions:

Crossed Transactions:

Ulterior Transactions:

Strokes and ganes in TA:

The Games People Play:
A key determinate of your effectiveness as a coach depends on your ability to create a climate that
promotes personal rapport and open dialogue. This is accomplished primarily through the style of your
communication with the other person.

To better understand this, think of a coaching conversation as a series of transactions, where one party
speaks and the other responds. Notice the nature of the transactions contained in the following
conversation:

Situation: A physician new to the practice is having difficulty in working with the office administrator and is
looking for advice from a senior colleague.

New Physician: "I don't think Mary is being very cooperative. I keep asking her to do some things
differently on the front desk and she just refuses to cooperate. I don't know what to do."

Physician Coach: "Well, why haven't you tried talking to her about it?"

New Physician: "I have, but every time I do she gets defensive and we just end up arguing."

Physician Coach: "You need to be more patient with her. If you're going to be successful here, you've got
to be able to handle situations like this. If you can't, it's going to limit your effectiveness."

New Physician: "Yeah, but she needs to cooperate as well."

Physician Coach: "I agree, but that's not the point. The point is that you're the physician, and you've got to
be the one to take the first step and lead the way."

New Physician: "I have and it hasn't worked."

Physician Coach: "Then you've just got to be more persistent."

Notice the tone of these transactions. The coach clearly is communicating in a way that suggests a
superior/subordinate relationship.

The attitude, tone, and type of statements used in a conversation reflect what is referred to in psychology
as an ego state. There are three ego states out of which you can communicate:

1. A parent ego state

2. An adult ego state

3. A child ego state

Each one has its uses and is appropriate for different situations:

A parent ego state is characterized by an "I know better" attitude. It contains absolute statements,
indications of criticism, the use of "shoulds," direct or implied threats, and a parental tone of voice and
non-verbal behavior.

An adult ego state conveys an attitude of power equalization and collegiality. It contains statements that
are exploratory without being judgmental, solution-oriented but in a collaborative way, and a tone that is
emotionally neutral and promotes non-defensiveness.

A child ego state communication is spontaneous, uninhibited, emotional, and often fun-loving. It is a
mindset that reflects spontaneity of feelings and behaviors, or deference and compliance.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

In order to build rapport and open dialogue in a coaching conversation it is imperative that you
communicate out of an adult ego state. In the above example, the coach clearly is communicating out of a
parent ego state as illustrated by his statements:

* "Well, why haven't you tried talking to her about it?"--implied criticism (you should have if you haven't
already).

* "You need to be more patient with her. If you're going to be successful here, you've got to be able to
handle situations like this. If you can't, it's going to limit your effectiveness." --the use of "should," absolute
statements, and implied warnings; delivered in a lecturing tone.

* "Then you've just got to be more persistent."--a directive with an "I know better" attitude.

Although well-meaning, the coach has unintentionally reduced his effectiveness through the use of a
parent ego state style of communication. Learning to communicate out of an adult ego state in these
types of conversations is a critical competency. So, how do you do it?

Adult-to-adult communication begins with a conscious effort to manage your tone-of-voice and body
language so that they are devoid of judgment and implied superiority. Listen to yourself. Do you sound
like a parent when you talk?

Think of a conversation as a song that contains both words and music. Managing the music of your
conversation sets the tone for an adult-to-adult interaction.

Second, manage the words to the song by following these three simple rules:

* Separate facts from opinions. Stating an opinion as a fact is what parents do, e.g., "That idea won't
work" is an opinion stated as if it were an objective fact. Better to say "In my opinion that idea won't work."

* Own your own feelings. Describe your reaction to situations rather than blaming others for your feelings.
For example, "You disappointed me when I didn't get the information on time" is more accusatory than "I
felt disappointed when I didn't get the information on time." The first statement assigns blame for your
feelings to the other person (indicative of a parent ego state), while the second is simply a legitimate
description of your reaction.

* Think and speak in terms of preferences rather than "shoulds." "You should show more restraint in
expressing your opinions" is a more judgmental than "I would prefer that you show more restraint in
expressing more opinions." ("Shoulding" is characteristic of the parent ego state)

Using these rules and an adult ego state, how would the conversation between the coach and the new
physician have sounded differently?

New Physician: "I don't think Mary is being very cooperative. I keep asking her to do some things
differently on the front desk and she just refuses to cooperate. I don't know what to do."

Physician Coach: "What have you tried so far?"

New Physician: "I've tried giving her the benefit of the doubt."

Physician Coach: "Have you thought that it may be just a matter of being more patient with her? What I've
found in my experience is that learning to handle situations like this is very important to being effective
with the office staff."

New Physician: "Yes, but she needs to cooperate as well."

Physician Coach: "I agree. And I would prefer that as a physician you take the first step because I think it
will lead the way."

New Physician: "I have and it hasn't worked."

Physician Coach: "Well, it may be just a matter of being more persistent. What do you think?"

Notice the different tone the conversation takes when the coach communicates out of the adult ego state.
It is truly a more collegial, adult-to-adult conversation, and one that is more likely to get the new physician
to stop and consider what his colleague is encouraging him to do.

Self-awareness is crucial to any leader's success. As a coach-leader, being aware of your communication
style and staying in the adult ego state during a coaching conversation will help create a climate
conducive to listening and mutual problem-solving.

Admittedly, it is not always easy to do, particularly when the subject matter is emotionally charged, but it
is nevertheless an essential condition for inducing change in the other person.

Robert Hicks, PhD, is a clinical professor of organizational behavior and founding director of the executive
coaching program at the University of Texas at Dallas School of Management

robert.hicks@utdallas.edu

The three ego states are the Parent Ego state, Adult Ego state, and the Child Ego state. These states
always exist separately and cannot merge, and the three alternate within a person.

Parent Ego State

This ego state may represent the mindset of a parent, and may further be divided into Nurturing Parent
Ego state and Controlling Parent Ego state. The Nurturing Parent Ego state is the one in which a parent
protects, feeds and takes care of their children. The Controlling Parent Ego state is the one in which the
parent criticizes, disciplines and even punishes the child.
These two ego states switch back and forth within us; they can help us in our performance and
sometimes hinder us. These ego states can firmly control our behaviour and developed when we
watched our parents when we were children.

Adult Ego State

This ego state is about making decisions as an adult. This involves analyzing the problem and coming up
with a solution using wise logical choices. Using the adult ego state to come up with a solution may
involve careful analysis of the data and making decisions based on solid facts, and offering reasonable
explanations for your decisions.

Child Ego State

This state is further divided into Natural Child Ego state and Little Professor/Creative Child Ego state, and
the Adaptive Child Ego state.
The Natural Child Ego state is the original ego state in which we are born. This state enables us to be
curious, friendly, loving, spontaneous, and energetic. Nevertheless, it may also make us greedy,
impatient and selfish.
Little Professor/Creative Child/Adaptive Child Ego state makes us creative and inquisitive. It makes us
wonder at how everything works, and it enables us to carry out experiments of our own. It is a
philosophical state that reasons based on thought without any tangible proof, eg., a sixth sense.
The Adaptive Child ego state, as the name suggests, results from us adapting to environmental change.
We learnt this behavior when we learnt to change our according to our environment, and learnt
behavior like guilt, anxiety, envy, and depression. These qualities make us more compliant within a
group where we learn to listen, agree, disagree and offer our opinions. Furthermore, we begin and learn
to socialize, be sensitive and be more courteous.

Life Script

Eric Berne proposed that dysfunctional behavior is the result of self-limiting decisions made in childhood
in the interest of survival. Such decisions culminate in what Berne called the "life script," the pre-
conscious life plan that governs the way life is lived out. Changing the life script is the aim of transactional
analysis psychotherapy. Replacing violent organizational or societal scripting with cooperative non-violent
behavior is the aim of other applications of transactional analysis.
KEY IDEAS OF TA

Ego States

Eric Berne made complex interpersonal transactions understandable when he recognized that the human personality
is made up of three "ego states"; each of which is an entire system of thought, feeling, and behavior from which we
interact with each other. The Parent, Adult and Child ego states and the interaction between them form the
foundation of transactional analysis theory. These concepts have spread into many areas of therapy, education, and
consulting as practiced today.

a) Parent: This is our ingrained voice of authority, absorbed conditioning, learning and attitudes from when we were
young. Our real parents, teachers, older people, next-door neighbours, aunts and uncles, Father Christmas and Jack
Frost, conditioned us.
Physical - pointing the finger, frowning, staring, hug, hip on the back, heavy strides, sarcastic.
Verbal - Should, must, ought, idiot, well done, excellent, dear kid, keep it up, fool, always.

b) Adult: Our 'Adult' is our ability to think and determine action for ourselves, based on received data.
Physical - attentive, interested, straightforward, tilted head, non-threatening and non-threatened.
Verbal - why, what, how, who, where and when, how much, in what way, comparative expressions, reasoned
statements, true, false, probably, possibly, I think, I realize, I see, I believe, in my opinion.

c) Child: Our internal reaction and feelings to external events form the 'Child'. This is the seeing, hearing, feeling, and
emotional body of data within each of us. When anger or despair dominates reason, the Child is in control.
Physical - emotionally sad expressions, despair, temper tantrums, whining voice, rolling eyes, shrugging shoulders,
teasing, delight, laughter, speaking behind hand, raising hand to speak, squirming and giggling.
Verbal - baby talk, I wish, I don't know, I want, I'm going to, I don't care, oh no, not again, things never go right for me,
worst day of my life, bigger, biggest, best, many superlatives, words to impress.
In other words:
Parent is our 'Taught' concept of life
Adult is our 'Thought' concept of life
Child is our 'Felt' concept of life

Transactions

Transactions refer to the communication exchanges between people. Transactional analysts are trained to recognize
which ego states people are transacting from and to follow the transactional sequences so they can intervene and
improve the quality and effectiveness of communication.
To analyze a transaction you need to see and feel what is being said as well.
Only 7% of meaning is in the words spoken.

38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the way that the words are said).
There is no general rule as to the effectiveness of any ego state in any given situation (some people get results by
being dictatorial (Parent to Child), or by having temper tantrums, (Child to Parent), but for a balanced approach to life,
Adult to Adult is generally recommended.

Strokes

Berne observed that people need strokes, the units of interpersonal recognition, to survive and thrive.
Understandings how people give and receive positive and negative strokes and changing unhealthy patterns of
stroking are powerful aspects of work in transactional analysis.

Games People Play

Berne defined certain socially dysfunctional behavioral patterns as "games." These repetitive, devious transactions
are intended to obtain strokes but instead they reinforce negative feelings and self-concepts, and mask the direct
expression of thoughts and emotions. Berne tagged these games with such instantly recognizable names as "Why
Don't You, Yes But," "Now I've Got You, You SOB," and "I'm Only Trying to Help You." Berne's book Games People
Play achieved wide popular success in the early 60's.

Life Script

Eric Berne proposed that dysfunctional behavior is the result of self-limiting decisions made in childhood in the
interest of survival. Such decisions culminate in what Berne called the "life script," the pre-conscious life plan that
governs the way life is lived out. Changing the life script is the aim of transactional analysis psychotherapy. Replacing
violent organizational or societal scripting with cooperative non-violent behavior is the aim of other applications of
transactional analysis.

I'm OK - You're OK

"I'm OK - You're OK" is probably the best-known expression of the purpose of transactional analysis: to establish and
reinforce the position that recognizes the value and worth of every person. Transactional analysts regard people as
basically "OK" and thus capable of change, growth, and healthy interactions.

Contracts

Transactional analysis practice is based upon mutual contracting for change. Transactional analysts view people as
capable of deciding what they want for their lives. Accordingly transactional analysis does its work on a contractual
basis between the client and the therapist, educator, or consultant.

Transactional analysis is beneficially utilized in psychotherapy, counselling, organizational and educational fields.

Psychotherapy

Transactional analysis is a powerful tool to bring about human well being. In psychotherapy, transactional analysis
utilizes a contract for specific changes desired by the client and involves the "Adult" in both the client and the clinician
to sort out behaviors, emotions and thoughts that prevent the development of full human potential. Transactional
analysts intervene as they work with clients in a safe, protective, mutually respectful-OK/OK--- environment to
eliminate dysfunctional behaviors and establish and reinforce positive relationship styles and healthy functioning.
Transactional analysts are able to use the many tools of psychotherapy, ranging from psychodynamic to cognitive
behavioral methods in effective and potent ways.

Counseling

Counselors who utilize transactional analysis work contractually on solving "here and now" problems. Counseling
work focuses on creating productive problem solving behaviors. Using transactional analysis, counselors establish an
egalitarian, safe and mutually respectful working relationship with their clients. This working relationship provides
tools clients can utilize in their day-to-day functions to improve the quality of their lives.

Educational

Educators who work with transactional analysis teach the simple concepts of basic transactional analysis to empower
and enable students by providing them with concepts and tools to understand themselves and each other. Students,
whether at elementary or post-graduate levels, learn more effective methods of interaction and mutual recognition. By
using the basic theory of transactional analysis, educators work to create a common understanding of personality and
functioning that reaches across all fields of learning and unifies the educational experience.

Organizational

Transactional Analysis is a powerful tool in the hands of organizational development specialists. Through presenting
the basic concepts of transactional analysis and using it as the basic theory to under gird the objectives of their
clients, organizational development specialists build a common strategy with which to address the particular needs of
organizations and to build a functional relationship, as well as eliminate dysfunctional organizational behaviors.
After Dr. Eric Berne's death in 1970, his associates and disciples have further developed T.A. theory. T.A. has now
gained international recognition as a scientific approach and is used for personal change and for greater
effectiveness in professional life. Founder director of ICTA Fr. George Kandathil has recently developed a new theory
called Triology, which is his brainchild, an integration of his own theological, philosophical and psychological
experiences. Triology lays stress on pleasant aspects of the Child, Parent and Adult ego states. ICTA is putting
efforts to indigenise TA and make it more suitable to Indian requirements, urban as well as rural. ICTA conducts
study circles/groups in major Indian cities maintaining international standards for training, examining and certifying TA
professionals.