Tutor Alina Emma

Student A**

Module: Academic
Task More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a
serious problem for wealthy countries.
Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your
answer, and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or
experience.

_____ - incorrect
_____ - grammatically correct but could be paraphrased for a higher score
_____ - inappropriate tone/style
_____ - additional commentaries and explanation
_____ - penalty

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 These days, one of the most serious issue which face advanced countries is (issues which
advanced/ developed countries face is ) children’s obesity . This essay will examine the
possible causes of this problem and elaborate on the consequences which it might have.
(Each sentence needs to have specific vocabulary for the particular topic at hand, otherwise
you will receive a penalty for using memorized sentences. This is a better alternative: It is felt
that this disturbing trend mainly comes as a result of the modern lifestyle and the growing
popularity of fast food. Alarmingly, unless measures are taken to curb swelling obesity rate,
the consequences might be dire.)
It is felt that there are two possible causes (repetitive vocabulary) why more and more
(inappropriate style > “MORE AND MORE” is great for speaking but is not suitable for
writing, it is better to replace it with “an increasing number of” ) children gain excess weight.
The main one is that their parents (This style is more suitable for speaking, not for writing.
use nominalization in essays. See “STYLE REFERENCE” section below.) (First of all,
childhood obesity partially comes as a result of unhealthy eating habits of parents which has
a profound impact on food choices children make ) eat unhealthy food at home and as a result
children copy their dietary habits and consume, for instance, fried potatoes with fat meat
instead of fresh vegetables and fish. Another reason for children’s obesity is the easy access
to junk food. Not only can they purchase fast food in a number of restaurant and cafés such
as McDonalds, but they also can find different pizzas, sandwiches and sweet lemonades at
schools’ canteens. Thus, it seems reasonable that these two factors incentivize children to
become obese. (contribute to childhood obesity)
Clearly this situation leads to negative effects on children’s future. For example, if children
did not have excess weight, they would not suffer from severe diseases at young years (a
young age) such as heart attacks or diabetes. Moreover, the more children are obese, the more
they are lazy (the more excessive weight children have, the lazier they are - style/ the more
sedentary they are likely to be) . In other words, they tend to be less active because it is
complicated to do something with excess weight (This sentence is superfluous); therefore
they spend more time in front of TV screens instead of doing their homework. Overall,
obesity is harmful for children’s health and study process.

In conclusion, if parents set the (add an adjective here: a positive) example of balanced and
healthy diet for their children and there were not so many junk food, children would be less

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obese (In conclusion, if parents set a positive example to their children by adhering to a
balanced and healthy diet and if food with high-fat, high-sugar content becomes less
accessible, fewer children will be obese). (mention something about the consequences! For
example, you can write: Childhood obesity can have a long-lasting impact on lives of young
generation unless parents set a positive example to their children by adhering to a balanced
and healthy diet. It is hoped that more families become more mindful about the consequences
of their lifestyle. ) That is why some steps should be taken to remedy the situation because
children’s excess weight puts a strain of their health and academic performance. (repetition of
the idea expressed in the previous sentence)
STYLE REFERENCE
Anneli Williams, Writing for IELTS (HarperCollins Publishers 2011) 37-38.

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<<Your essay should look like response 2 >>

Joanna Preshous, Listening and Speaking for IELTS 6.0-7.5 (Macmillan 2014) 40.

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<< Your essay should be similar to passage A which is a suitable style for writing, while
B is only appropriate for speaking.>>

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 Evaluation
Number of words:

General Task 2
Criteria Score
Task Achievement or Response TR1 presents a clear position throughout the 7.0
= how well your answer satisfies the response
requirements of the task TR2 presents, extends and supports main ideas 7.0
Coherence and Cohesion CC1 Clear central topic in each paragraph, a clear 7.0
= how well you sequence information and progression throughout
ideas CC2 Signposting (used of cohesive devices) 7.0
Lexical Resources LR1 Range 6.5
= how rich your vocabulary is LR2 Style and collocations + spelling 6.0
Grammatical Range and Accuracy G1 Accuracy 6.0
= how good your grammar is G2 Range 6.0

Underlength No of words Penalty

Off-topic Memorised X Illegible

Insight
Special focus on: Extending the range of vocabulary and grammar.
Make sure that conclusion addresses all the
requirements of the tasks and recaps the main
ideas developed in the body paragraphs.

3.0 A1 4.0 A2 5.0 B1 6.0 B2 7.0 C1 8.0 C2 9.0

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