Chicago Bros and Penn Douche 2018 Midseason Report: Opening Monologue

Chicago Bros and Penn Douche 2018 Midseason Report
Opening Monologue
As many of you know, this is the time of year I take upon myself, your honorable and almighty Commish, to provide a
fair and balanced1 evaluation of all 12 teams in this league. It’s basically a long drawn out Barstool Sports article that
Barstool would be wise to sponsor in the future if, in the unlikely event, any of them get bored of spending their days
eating pizza or searching for hot female teacher-student hookup scandals. I won’t hold my breath.
Anyway, I know how much you depend on this report when making arrangements to improve your season, especially
coming from an expert of my caliber, as once again, I stand first the standings at midseason for the 4th out of the last 5
seasons. I also lead the league in points scored and it’s not even really close. Come to think of it, I should really start
charging for these midseason reports. This is why I’m such a great Commish. I am making all my reporting free to the
public.
There’s a lot riding on this league this year. To step-up the

competition, we are now requiring the 12th place finisher
to brandish a girly-pink license plate for the entirety of
the year.2 And given the “legally sufficient” signatures
provided by all team owners as demonstrated here, you
are all on the hook should you finish last. Remember,
fantasy post-season does not go into account for this. Just
weeks 1 through 13. Also remember, Nunez is no longer
in the league.
Given that Nunez is no longer with us, even if your season

is not going as you hoped, you will likely want to avoid
this fate. Poor Nunez was likely made fun of too often to
bear yet another season of the shameful shamockery of
an excuse for a team and has left us. Although, I think I
can generously speak for all of us in saying we would
gladly invite him back anytime to join the first 12 and-a-
half team league in fantasy history.
As league Commish, it is my duty to take a step back and

make sure we didn’t go too hard on Nunez as to make his
sorry pathetic self leave in tears crying to his mommy. I
can certainly find no evidence that I had any part to play
in this and quite frankly I’m pretty sure Miller is fully to blame so you can thank him for ending the partnership with the
Nunez Foundation3.
So, in honor of Nunez, I felt it fitting to step up as Commish to properly eulogize his departure from this league so that
we may pay our respects to a legendary philanthropist by adding him to the team reports in his proper league standing.
1
2
We also got rid of Nunez…
3
Section 1129(a)(11) Bankruptcy Pending
12 and-a-half Place: Chris Nunez
With apologies for disrespecting fantasy team owners bad enough to be considered only half a team, Chris Nunez is first
this year in the team reports so we can properly commemorate him. It also means he will have to actually read the
whole report to find his team’s section instead of just flipping to the last page like George Constanza picking out
wedding invites. The bad news for Chris is that, unlike the wedding invite envelopes which were literally so cheap the
glue killed his fiancé, Chris has to wallow in shame of his reports for years and years to come. He has tried everything to
fix his team and make it all stop: making desperate pick-ups (didn’t work), offering shitty and beyond recourse trades
(didn’t work), announcing “FIRESALE!!!” to the league in the message board (didn’t work). Eventually, he took drastic
measures to make it just all go away by quitting the league entirely.
DIDN’T WORK!
Let’s all rehash our favorite Chris Nunez stupid moments of his career as addressed in this year’s pre-midseason report
survey.
Indeed, Nunez worked hard and was able to secure the league maximum of $25 extra draft dollars through trades so
that his “Heir” could blow all $25 of it on an opening bid for Cam Newton. But was that such a bad value after all? Cam
has been solid this year. Let’s take a look at the analytics comparing Newton’s cost vs. the top five scoring QB’s through
the first seven weeks.
TOP 6 QB COSTS
$30 $25
$25
Axis Title
$20
$15
$10 $7
$4
$5 $2 $2
$0
$0
QB1 QB2 QB3 QB4 QB5 QB6
Answer: Yes, it was pretty awful. Look, I get overpaying a bit if you really love a player, but dear God, don’t start the bid
at $25. Rookie move there, rookie. But before Coleman feels too bad about needlessly wasting all that money it would
ease his mind a little bit if he was comforted by the fact that the player Nunez traded away didn’t pan out anyway. Of
course, we all know that since Nunez is involved, this is a hopeless prayer.
This segues nicely into another team submission for all-time Nunez moment:
Looking back now, Nunez trading me Todd Gurley for Will Fuller and $15 in draft monies was, perhaps … ill-advised.
Sorry Coleman! That’s basically what you gave away in exchange for $15 out of your $25, (3/5ths), draft purchase of Cam
Newton making this, and I’ll tread lightly, quite easily the second worst 3/5ths compromise in history.
But here’s a few silver linings for Coleman to consider to find some semblance of acceptance for Nunez’s past
transgressions:
1. Gurley’s only seven touchdowns (15 vs. 8) ahead of all 5 of your team’s running backs this year. Combined.
2. That one time, in Week 3, Gurley couldn’t even score 20 points:
3. Gurley isn’t even on pace to set the record for points scored by a running back in the history of fantasy football.
At his current pace through 8 weeks, he will end up almost a complete and entire point behind LaDainian
Tomlinson (2006) of greatest fantasy running back of all time in standard (non-PPR) scoring. With his current
average of 26.14 PPG, he is only on pace to have 418.2 seasonal fantasy points compared to LT’s 419.
Hopefully that helps. If not, don’t worry I have more words of comfort in your team report section. Before moving on, I’ll
just add that Miller (yes I can tell that’s Miller’s anonymous comment) wondered how that trade didn’t get vetoed. Let
me answer. It’s because I am a trade wizard not to be trifled with, which you will soon hear more about. This trade was
made a mere few days prior to Deshaun Watson’s Jeffalo Bill’s killing injury last year. At the time of the trade, Fuller was
averaging over 17 points a game for his first four played games of the season after being injured to start the year. This
was an astounding 5 points higher than the second highest averaging wide receiver in the NFL, DeAndre Hopkins. And at
that point in the year Gurley was doing very well, but not on the historical run he is now. It was a legit sell high moment
that wouldn’t have looked as lopsided had Deshaun not gone down leaving presumably physically disabled country
bumpkin Tom Savage left at quarterback. Not to mention, along with Fuller included $15 draft money to put towards
Cam Newton which, as you now know, was just enough to make it too obvious to not make an awkward civil rights joke.
That’s how Miller.
There’s really no better indicator for a team’s success than points scored. But this section isn’t about me. It’s about
Chris. And that’s how I’m choosing to remember Nunez. Looking at the record books, Nunez’s 2015 team “Sacko
Recipient x2” set a league record that still stands today for average most points not scored for an entire year resting at
78.04 points per game. Or the other notable record he set with single game low score record of 0.00 points as he ended
his 2015 season with both class and dignity. But maybe most impressive is his longest-standing record of longest losing
streak left unchallenged for 6 years and counting at 12 games lost in a row. The 2016 Browns could only dream of such a
successful season.
In closing, Nunez was the kind of guy that would always look to lift you up. It didn’t matter the situation. Whether it was
after the Blackhawks won a Stanley Cup, or at your wedding, as pictured below. He even lifts everyone else in the
fantasy standings. Impressive. Nunez just has that gift to be able to lift anything non-trophy shaped over his head with
ease.
As a matter of fact, his presence has even helped lift up actual NFL coaches as I recently noticed with this headline:
What a guy. I’m going to miss him, and winning his $50 every year by getting in second place. But mostly the money.
Perhaps we will meet again in the Chicago Bros and Penn Douche league. You will indefinitely have VIP rights on the re-
joining list. Until then, goodbye Nunez. You’re dead to us all.
Auction Draft Strategy Report

Before getting to the actual team reports, I have a few other league housekeeping things to cover. It’s been a long run of
Commishing in this league and many of you may be wondering when I will step down and pass on the crown. Let me set
the record clear. I have no plans to step down. Or be taken down. So, to keep in good graces with my constituents, I
needed to come up with a campaign slogan that would really articulate the excellence of my candidacy. Luckily for me,
this took no work on my part as my slogan was fatefully developed by WorldStar with the help of Arvin as demonstrated
in this recent fantasy-related text convo:
To anyone who wishes to challenge my reign, you’re going to have to compete with this:
Moving on here. Now that we have our first year of keepers established, let’s take another look at the approach each
team took in the draft with their keeper selections. After converting each auctioned player cost to a draft round4,
including keepers, here is a breakdown of each team’s strategy on how many players per round they selected.
Cpt
Kirk Fully Knights The The Trub
#3 Antonio U Diggin’ Exten Gay Heir Who Arvin new isky
H Brown LIKE A ded But Don't Say Platinum Kamara Chris Busi
Round BNK deras THAT Grave Rod! lers Care Knee Jeffalos Sho Nunez ness
1 2 2 1 1 3 1 1 1
2 1 2 1 2 2 1 3
3 1 2 2 1 2 2 1 1
4 1 2 1 1 1 3 2 1
5 2 1 1 1 2 1 2 2
6 1 1 2 2 3 2 1
7 1 2 1 1 1 1 2 2 1
8 1 2 1 3 2 3
9 1 1 1 1 2 2 1 1 1 1
10 2 2 1 2 2 1 1 1
11 1 2 2 1 1 1 2 2
12 3 1 3 1 2 1 1
13 1 1 1 1 1 2 1 1 2 1
14 1 1 1 2 1 2 1 3
15 1 4 1 3 3
Looking at this I see a couple interesting findings. First, Berry (#3HBNK) got bored after round 12. Also, Heetabh
(GayButlers) once again went big on first rounder’s and spent rounds 5 through 10 driving to his neighborhood GoodWill
for some red tag specials to select in rounds 11-15. Heets really has had a hard time finding role players to support his
first round investments. And even those Lambos he revved early on, particularly Julio Jones, haven’t worked out as well
as hoped. As it stands now, Julio Jones and Chris Nunez are tied in touchdown production. Unfortunately, in Atlanta,
some worthless stadium worker intern must have ordered the wrong “End-Zone” signs to post at the goal lines and Julio
Jones is not one to disobey common traffic laws.5
Anyway, feel free to just look at my column if you want to take notes on how to draft because that’s the only thing really
proprietary here.
The Berry Card Amendment

It’s time to embrace the post-Nunez world and end the archaic veto process for trades. As you may know, Berry made a
stupid trade with Heetabh and gave up Lesean McCoy for Naheem Hines after Marlon Mack returned. Although this was
a really stupid trade I don’t have an issue with it. I say free market and screw the social safety net. Let the feeble fools
who can’t afford a free fantasy podcast suffer without being bailed out by the taxes of those who can. But, we also need
to stand as a fantasy league and country and be willing to deport idiot morons. Therefore, I have proposed and
4
Simple Excel sort on auction costs per player with highest priced 12 players given a round 1 value, etc. for 15 rounds
5
approved a solution. Next year I am rolling out the Berry Card Amendment Clause. I will keep the two-day protest period
open but teams will no longer be allowed to vote against trades. Instead, if you think collusion is likely or the trade is so
preposterously stupid, report your reasons to me and I will due my duties and make a final ruling. I’m OK with taking on
the extra work and will uphold my role as impartial arbiter.6 If at least 5 teams total send me an individual affidavit with
compelling evidence, I will issue the stupider of the trading teams indicted a Berry Card and cancel the trade. Two Berry
Card’s will get you Nunezed out of the league. I think that’s fair. Your Berry Card Account will refresh each year because I
am a kind Commish. If Commish is the targeted perpetrator, steps to undertake the impeachment process7 will then be
taken8.
Here’s proof that we all voted on a change in this process. Majority rules. Thank you for voting for me to have more
power. I will wield it wisely (see footnote 6).
Customer satisfaction is always of utmost importance to me and my administration. Recently, we conducted a thorough
satisfaction survey asking you the people to rate how happy you are with the league on a scale of 1 – 100.
Six of you responded with your score in a bar below. It’s common statistical practice to remove outliers from analyses
such as this, so we’ll remove respondent 4,5 and 6 to maintain integrity of the findings.
League Satisfaction Results

90
80
70
60
50
40
30
20
10
0
1 2 3 4 5 6
6
7
See specific instructions in footnote 8
8
See specific instructions in footnote 7
When averaged, the remaining respondent’s scored 58%, which puts it as equivalent to Sandlot on Rotten Tomatoes and
even better than Billy Madison’s 46%:
Thank you all for validating how well my administration does in running this league. It really means a lot. Part of what
makes me great as Commish is my continual efforts to improve the league. In the survey, I asked:
Some of the more nuanced ideas include:
Others suggested support for the Points Per First Down idea which can still be a consideration. Another idea is to get rid
of kickers and add another flex spot. I think if we go that route, I’d rather do an extra WR spot. Potentially having 4
starting RB’s seems too much. However, kickers really do have way too much variability so if you like this idea reach out
to me to lobby further. I’d be very open to it.
Our current QB scoring might be an area we could improve. Right now TD’s are worth 4 and INT’s only -1 and fumbles -2.
This doesn’t quite penalize bad QB play enough. Many leagues do 6-point TD and -2 INT, but some are even moving
towards -4 for INT’s which would really make the position more valuable than the sorta crap shoot it is now. I would be
more than willing to do either the 6Td, -2 or 6TD, -4 options. If you have an opinion let me know and we’ll sort it all out
before keepers are due next year. Maybe this would help inflate the QB market so Coleman doesn’t look like an idiot
again.
Getting to Know Each Other
To get to know more about our fellow league members, I asked for you all to comment on what you would do with the
money if you win first place? Aside from the many comments pertaining to some form of hookers and illicit drugs, we
got some other interesting submissions:
Oops! I must have left Nunez in the survey recipient pool. I’ll fix that for next year.
How about this submission?
If that doesn’t have Arvin written all over it, I don’t know what does. Well, none of these submissions really matter
because my team is too stacked to fall into my usual fate this year. The only real question that matters is what I will do
with all of your money. That’s an awkward question for me to answer because it assumes I haven’t blown it all already.9
We’ll have more insights from the survey as we go along but I don’t want to keep you all from the main event of the
Midseason Report. It’s time to learn more about the objective evaluations of each team so that you can be empowered
and hopeful for the year end stretch. It’s time for the individual Team Reports.
Team Reports
Commish Jeff
Listen, I’m not going to sugar coat this. I’m still better than all you bitch ass peasants. God that feels good to write
without having to strikethrough it like last year. And aside from last year, I have been in a commanding first place
standing for each of the last several years. I did a simple team schedule history by year search to identify my record at
the Midseason Report for those several years. 6-1. 8-1. 6-2. 7-3. You get the picture, right? Well just in case, here are
some pictures from the history books of my team’s schedules to help you get the picture:
9
“I will not admit it”
2016: 6-1 2014: 6-2
2015: 8–1 2013: 7-3
Now, I know what you are all thinking. Same shit. Different day. Jeff’s gonna make the SuperBowl and lose and get
second place again like he did in 2012 and then again in 2013 and then again in 2014 in which he also made the SB in
another league that, hey you guessed it, lost. Hence the team name paying homage to the 90’s Bills four time in a row
repeat Superbowl failures. Being first again, as I always am, for much of the season is kinda like being an immigrant live-
in housekeeper. It feels really nice to be in such a great place and I worked super hard to attain it, but I'm just waiting to
be inevitably deported without a moment’s notice.
Well, this is finally going to be the year. And despite the same old same old responses to the survey question about my
greatest moment this year, I totally mean it this year.
Platinum Jeffalo’s Greatest

Moment of Year
But not everyone was so jealous and vindictive in their response to my greatest accomplishment this year:
That’s right, if you didn’t notice, Yahoo has created a rating system for each team to provide an analytical evaluation of
how good of a team owner you are. It looks at the past ten years or so of leagues you played and gives you a percentile
ranking. Here is how we are all doing as a league:
As you may notice, not only am I statistically validated as the best team owner in the league – of Belichick-like
dominance – but I’m the only one to make the Platinum level reserved for the top 95th Percentile of owners. Here’s a
little more explanation from yahoo:
You can call me a 5 percenter. And I’m heading my way to that 1 percenter life. So, if you didn’t already know this,
obviously my team name change makes more sense. I’m just disappointed they didn’t have this when Nunez was
around. I’d love to see which color Yahoo chose for Rusted Aluminum. If any of you morons are ever able to manage to
get yourself on my level, I’ll already be in Diamond anyway so it won’t matter.
You may have noticed that I just took over for highest scoring week with 157.35 points scored in week 8. You, the snot
frothing dirt peasants, might be searching desperately for something to think to cut me down to make you feel better
such as: oh wow Jeff, took you half the season to finally get weekly high score of the year, huh? Sure, it’s true that it took
me this long to beat the prior high score of the year of 142 set week in week 6. But just so you know, the team I
outscored to do this was also me. That’s what this league has come to. In order to keep any sort of challenge producing
a drip of adrenaline anymore, I have only myself and history to try to top. As of now, the granddaddy of all fantasy
records, seasonal points scored, is held by Kevin Frank. Kevin is a Chicago Bros and Penn Douche legend whom I believe
won twice but cannot confirm as I don’t currently or have ever owned the trophy to check. Anyway, Frank’s record
stands at a commanding 114.84 PPG. Well, as you might have guessed, I’m on pace to obliterate that as demonstrated
by the current league record books:
Props to Silent Luke (Touchdown Teddy) for highest scoring game of all time, but consistency is king. My 123.84 PPG
average is exactly 9 points higher than Kevin Franks record set in 2014. That’s basically like having an extra WR2 on your
roster, or an extra Nunez’s entire team.
Just to make sure you understand the gravity and awe of this feat, it helps to show how this ridiculous seasonal score
compares to the rest of the league.
Below is a simple Excel analysis that people at my office of employment in passing likely assumed was work-related. I
know my audience here so I’ll try to explain this slowly. This table visualizes just how much better I am than whoever
you, the reader, are. I’m pretty confident even you can figure out the two left-most “Standing” and “Team” columns, but
the next column simply shows total points scored through the first eight weeks. I computed our total league average
with the next column: the “League Average” column. Still with me? The “Differences” column gives the difference in
total points scored from the league average for all eight games combined. The last column (PAR) simply divides it all by
eight to produce how many more or less points each team is expected to score each week from the league average.
Standing Team Total League Difference Points Above

Points Average Replacement (PAR)
1st Commish Jeff 990.79 802.65 188.14 23.52 Good
2nd Coleman 803.53 802.65 0.88 0.11
3rd Adam 795.26 802.65 -7.39 -0.92
4th Silent Luke 905.63 802.65 102.98 12.87
5th Heetahb 828.20 802.65 25.55 3.19
6th Arvin 787.40 802.65 -15.25 -1.91
7th Kuney 764.38 802.65 -38.27 -4.78
8th Thomas 746.74 802.65 -55.91 -6.99
9th Berry 774.31 802.65 -28.34 -3.54
10th Bhupen 768.92 802.65 -33.73 -4.22
11th Miller 756.01 802.65 -46.64 -5.83
12th Dad 710.58 802.65 -92.07 -11.51 Not Good
Table rows are ordered based on standings to show which teams may be over/underrated. Conditional formatting
reveals this and shows just how ahead of the league Platinum Jeffalos are. That’s some dark red. Meanwhile, poor dad is
shivering in that ice-cold blue. 23.5 more points above replacement level teams is insane. This is tantamount10 to
baseballs Wins Above Replacement (WAR) sabermetric and serves as the best indicator of success in fantasy football.
23.5 points above replacement (PAR) per week. That’s just about double that of underrated Silent Luke who holds the
second highest PAR. It’s like having an extra Todd Gurley in your lineup every week other than the one he failed to score
20 points in.
Well, obviously, you are all waiting to hear how I was yet again able to pull off developing a ridiculous team that has
landed me first in standings, points scored, soon to be record-setting points scored etc. As I’ve said before, the three
keys to success are drafting, free agent pickups and trading. Once again, I rampaged my way to first with a balanced
symphony of all three components.
Component 1: Drafting:
Keeping Todd Gurley11 for $39 was certainly a good move. That price put him as the 17th highest paid player in the draft
which is the equivalent to a mid-second round pick with the traditional snake draft. Not too terrible for a guy .8 points
behind the record for best fantasy player of ever and all time. JuJu Smith-Schuster was also a great keep for a solid
performer who has scored at least 9 points in 6 out of his first 8 games. And while you may scoff at Amari Cooper and
Carlos Hyde, it is merely because you can’t think ten steps ahead. It’s ok, it’s kind of a five percenter thing. More on that
later.
10
Look it up yourself…
11
Have you heard of him?
Josh Gordon was also a scary keeper in more ways than one. I was smart and snagged Gordon right before his
reinstatement back to the Browns last year and kept him as a future secret weapon. It was great to see Gordon play late
in 2017. This helped me ease any and all concern that he might fall off the wagon again for the umpteenth time and also
proved he still has top WR skill. So luckily for me, he gave me great keeper value with nothing more to worry about
whatsoever going into 2018, with the exception of the following minor hurdles:
Hurdle 1 (July 24):
Three to four weeks of light perspiration later…
Hurdle 2: (Aug 18)
Hope 1: (Aug 27)
Gordon is mentally better and is back for game 1 and gets himself in a groove making all the worries go away forever…
Hurdle 3: (Sept. 14)
Hurdle 4: (Sept. 15)
It’s over. Rumors that he relapsed flood the news and it appears he will never again see the light of day on an NFL field.
Hope 2: (Sept. 15. And hour later)

Miracle 1: Josh Gordon Traded to Patriots. He has joined the dark side and is
ready to ascend.
Just like I said. Nothing to worry about whatsoever. The investment paid off and I am certainly not worried about
anything happening from here on out whatsoever.12
Anyway, my other notable drafts include Deshaun Watson who with the exception of a few games has lit it up again with
an expected amount of negative regression to the mean from his insane start last year. Despite a terrible O-line that
caused him to get a lung injury he played through for a few games, Watson has lit it up again and now has Demaryous
Thomas to help keep him great again.
Component 2: Free Agency

This is where most of my noise was made. Before any of the big name analysts even knew who James Conner was, I had
already picked him up for free shortly after the draft. Everyone was dead sure Bell would report for week one. I wasn’t
so sure, but figured even if he did come back, without any training camp his injury risk would be elevated. Plus, my team
was so good already I just wanted a lottery with decent next year keeper potential.
I was also able to snag Baltimore’s DST which has really paid off. I ran some preseason analytics on the top 30 scoring
DST’s since 2002 and, long story short, found that DST’s with positive repeatable performances the year after a top 30
scoring year were ones with 9 or more returning starters on defense. Baltimore has had a couple of bumps in the road
with Jimmy Smith out a few games and Mosley (the signal caller) hurt a few games but now the unit is back and is
rightfully considered the league’s best DST with the exception of anyone within a forty-mile radius of Nathan Peterman.
Tyler Boyd was another amazing pickup which I used FAAB to get. He’s been a rock solid WR2/3 with a knack for
touchdowns. Not to bring up bad memories, but he also scored a touchdown in week 17 last year as time expired from
like mid-field which literally knocked Coleman’s Ravens out of the last playoff spot. This year, he is the 11th best WR after
eight weeks providing consistent production and outplaying A.J Green.
Who else did I pick up? Hard to keep track. In week 7 the difference between winning and losing came from my amazing
pickups. It was the marquee matchup of the year up to that point as I was 2nd in standings going against Silent Luke in 1st.
Watson was hurt and playing a killer defense with an inept O-line so I gave him the week off and picked up Trubisky who
piled up 33 points. That wouldn’t have quite been enough though for this great matchup. I also outbid Silent Luke by $1
for the Colts DST who were all within the forty-mile radius of Nathan Peterman netting me over 20 points. All in all, two
cheap free agents gave me over 50 points and put me back in my rightful first place spot so I can warm it up properly for
whoever will actually win.
Component 3: Trading
I mentioned earlier about my stealthy wizard-like trade skills as I have proven to be no one to be trifled with, as any
current Platinum and soon to be Diamond level fantasy player knows, which is none of you idiots, trading is the final
component to dominating the lowly peasant folk who wallow in the mud of the mainland bickering nonsense with the
other poors. This year was no exception as I waited for the perfect time to make my move. Seeing my poor hapless
father in dire need of help at both RB and WR, I struck up a deal to acquire a talent I was hoping to attain in the draft,
but was unable as he was keepered. That talent was Joe Mixon. Mixon had been hurt a couple weeks and even had
minor surgery, so there was just enough risk to convince dad to trade him away in return for two starting slots.
12
Hurdle 5 (Oct. 29)
The following trade was finalized October 5th:
There was some bickering from the wallowers in the mud from this trade in the Mid-Season Survey:
Looking back now, it's easy to play hindsight and allege this was collusion. Had the trade been made now, Berry Cards
would be falling out of the sky like confetti. But at the time Amari was coming off a big 18-point performance and Hyde
was playing as a super consistent RB2 and dad’s roster was heavily injured and needed the bodies. Some even thought it
was lopsided in his favor. Lulz. Just more bickering from the mud wallowers. Of course, it certainly didn't pan out that
way as Mixon's production post-trade resulted in 17, 14, 5, and 25 points respectively. Mixon has firmly established
himself as an RB1, but like, only the third best RB1 on my team.
Not only did Amari and Hyde not do shit since the trade but word got out of this deal in the real NFL world and once the
Browns and Raiders found out it was me that traded their players away they, respecting my prestige, followed suit very
soon after:
This left Amari Cooper on back-to-back bye weeks and will have to spend most the rest of the season learning the
playbook and renders Hyde as a one-week rental who will split touches with Yeldon before getting benched in two
weeks for Fournette. That's how you execute Platinum level trading. That's why I'm better than you piss ant mud
wallowing peasants.
After getting Mixon, I was faced with playing my dad as we would play out who the trade favored.
I’m not sure if I’m interpreting this score accurately, but it looks like I
got 1st, point differential got 2nd and dad got 3rd.
Now that you see how I did it, I suppose I should at the very least offer
a bit of advice for you all going forward to help make this league
somewhat competitive. There’s a secret I’m about to reveal that can
really give you an edge and help you get back in the race. Each week’s
waiver wire gives hope that an up and coming running back or a
breakout wide receiver can lead your team to glory. But how do you
know which ones are flashes in the pan and which ones will pay
dividends? Well Commish Jeff is here with your answer with a legit
statistical formula on who to go for. You gotta be willing to zig when
others zag. Think long-term, not short term. When everyone puts in their bids and goes to sleep on their favorite patch
of hay and in their favorite section of peasant mud, you should sleep soundly because you did the calculations and
selected the following free agents to bid on:
Nobody.
I know, I know what you’re thinking: Nobody? But Commish Jeff, I might be a piss-ant peasant and not be too gooder at
statisticals, but I carried mah ones and can’t figure how doin this would help mah team?
I’ll remind you, think long-term, not short-term. Let the fools waste valuable funds on the wannabe’s and one-timers
Tuesday night. You’ll be in the driver’s seat now to spend your money on players that really matter: The Platinum
Jeffalos dropped players. Just think about how my trash could take your insufferable heap of inconsequence and boost it
above and beyond that of the other mud wallowers. Arvin has taken this advice last week by snagging Lamar Miller
resulting in this flashy result.
You might look at this and be thinking I’m regretting dropping Lamar. Let’s take a look at the ole results last week and
see if I would have been better off playing him in any of my team’s qualifying spots:
Great kings know how to keep the peasants happy by throwing a fresh piece of grade B sirloin to the crowds left to fight
perilously over it. Now that you get the picture, consider yourself woke. You never know who this week’s trash will be so
don’t waste all your money Tuesday night before finding out.
I think you get the picture about my team. It’s legendary and the Jeffalo’s are stampeding their way to a title this year
for sure. But like, for sure. Before moving on though, let’s talk just a little bit more as I feel the words written up to this
point aren’t quite revealing every last sparkle on this diamond-bound team.
I couldn’t find an automated way of seeing what my record would be if I played all teams every week which some sites
do, so I took on the task and did the work manually for the enlightenment of all league members. We all know that
sometimes teams lose with the second highest score, that sorta thing, so to really evaluate a team’s standing this is
another sound measuring stick along with the PAR score. Here is a quick breakdown for each week on what my record
would be if I played all teams each week:
Platinum Jeffalos Win/Loss Breakdown if Playing All Teams Each Week

This gives me a total record of 74-14 which converted into a winning percentage = .841. To get a sense of this absurd
number, the best record in MLB history is the 1906 Cubs (116-36) giving them a .763 winning percentage. There is no
need to take anything away from the fact that the 1906 Cubs did not win the World Series. Listen, when your winning
games with percentages rivaling Ray Allen at the free throw line, there is no stopping you. The Jeffalo Bills are pissed
from last year’s Deshaun Watson killing, the prior year’s last minute 30 yard run with two minutes left in the 4th by
Jonathan Stewart in the semi-final, the prior year’s infamous Tim Hightower Miracle13, the year before that’s… listen I
could go on. Bottom line. Jeffalo’s are pissed and stampeding down the gorge ready to gore anyone getting in their way
of the title.
Matthew Coleman
So with that quick sum-up of my team, we can now move on as I’m sure you are just waiting eagerly to get the stellar
advice your team needs to make that playoff push.
I’d like to take this time to welcome our newest member to the league, Matt Coleman, of “Heir Don’t Care”. What a
turnaround he has given to the most worthless team once owned by none other than Nunez. Coleman was able to
evaluate the existing assets left by Nunez to assemble a start of a new regime by selecting the following footnoted
keepers.14
Looking at Coleman’s roster now, you can see a compilation of TJ Maxx last call sales stitched together somehow to
make a competitive team (Emmanuel Sanders, John Brown, Eric Ebron, and even his own brother Tevin Coleman).
Coleman is doing better than your team and he’s brand new to the league, and he even stupidly drafted Lev Bell for like
$67.15 And he’s beating you all. No, not me. Just you.
Here’s a live look at Coleman’s vagabond band of patchwork roster page on Yahoo:
But just how close is this runner-up from breaking that glass ceiling and taking first in the standings? He had that chance
last week to take over the reins of first but came up just a bit short. At the very least though, the results gave him a solid
measuring stick of the razor thin margins between first and second place:
13
Full story detailed in 2016 edition
14
15
James Conner cost: $0
Welcome to the bigs, rook.
Adam Barry
Adam may be in third place, but he is the real hero as he has successfully made it to the live draft after prioritizing it
above the following lesser obligations during the past two drafts:
2017: His honeymoon

2018: His Wedding Anniversary Day
It paid off briefly for Adam too as he was in first place for a few weeks before reality began to set in. Adam was a
preseason prime candidate for taking home the license plate with a pathetic Yahoo bronze rating of 559. But he has put
his shit together and baring pulling a Nunez, has taken himself out of the running for this year.
Luke Goetting
Silent Luke has really come out of his shell this season and contributed to message chats with the following:
I added this to all the other times Luke spoke, ever, and compiled it all below to show Luke’s complete history of league
communication:
Still waiting for him to tell me how getting outbid on Indy’s DST went
for him. I won’t hold my breath.
Not going to lie though, Luke has started making a name for himself in
the past couple of years and is going to be in the thick of it again this
year. His WR keepers of Tyreek Hill and Adam Thielen for the minimum
$20 each have netted him the number 1 and 2 WR in fantasy. Gotta
have respect for that. I’ll keep the first place seat warm for you.
Heetabh Patel
Heetabh has put himself together a solid squad and will likely be a playoff contender as we make it down the home
stretch. But he is quite pissed about having his trade vetoed as detailed earlier in the report. So pissed actually, that he
made the following vow to the league:
And after offering me the following trade on 10-21 at 1:28pm (below left), he followed suit and vetoed his own trade on
10-21 at 8:05pm (below right):
A man of his word. With this year’s version of Deshaun Watson, Heets is riding the wave of Pat Mahomes along with a
million yards Julio Jones gains before abiding “end-work-zone” signs posted at the end zones. And despite playing on a
god awful, miserable team, Saquon Barkley has been a huge get. My one suggestion really for Heets that maybe he
should consider is perhaps looking to trade Nyheim Hines. Then again, his sell-high window is likely gone and passed so
you really should have done this a bit earlier.
Matt Arvin
Arvin once send me this heart-warming note when we spent a weekend apart from our
usual getting thrown out of the neighborhood IHOP at 2:30am. I was instantly reminded
of this picture when I looked at the upkeep of your team. I’m pretty sure, if you zoom in
closely enough, you can even see some of my trash, Lamar Miller under those fully
digested nacho fries.
Remember that one time when Arvin joined the league, got beginners luck and
obnoxiously went on and on and on in the league chat thread? LOL where did he go? Has
anyone heard from him? Arvin sucks so bad at fantasy in all his leagues except the one he
begged me to join in which we are 6-2 and terrorizing everyone with Todd Gurley and
Melvin Gordon. But in this league here, he is flat out sucking. Maybe, just maybe he’ll
make the playoffs. Having a top ranked player at a position is helpful. Even if it’s just the kicker. Let’s see who he
drafted. Marvin Jones. Peyton Barber. Michael Crabtree. Evan Engram. Gross. Arvin had arguably the best two keeper
values going into the season with Kamara and Adams for $20 each. His pathetic band of bums came in with a common
goal and executed that goal to perfection: Keep Arvin away from the league chat.
As some of you may know, Matt and I are currently roommates but given how his team is just so average he couldn’t
take living with a winner anymore and is now moving back to, of all places, Gettysburg Pennsylvania. I suppose he thinks
he can “address” his team better there.
Michael Kunebitch
For those newer to this league, you might notice Kuney won the
championship last year and thus must be at the very least somewhat
competent in managing a fantasy team. It’s my job as Commish to make
sure you are better educated on the matter. Kuney is a historical league bottom feeding buffoon who, as described in
last year’s Midseason Report, was lucky in the sense that a beaten senseless drooling blind crippled squirrel accidentally
falls into an already shelled nut. But this comparison doesn’t fully expand on how monolithically putrid Kuney is overall.
So, please, give me just a moment to properly explain.
A good way to start is by going into the archives and generating a graphic that best encapsulates the level of success
Kuney has had throughout the years. There could be no better way of doing so than by using a tree branch visualization
of all of the Kuney’s actual team names I could locate in the Yahoo history books properly categorized and displayed into
three branches below.
Now that I look at it, it’s more like two branches and a twig on the right-hand side. For longstanding members of this
league, you already knew about Kuney’s historic level of putridness and that he miraculously managed to get lucky
enough to win the league last year. Let me be first to welcome Kuney back to his rightful butt indent in the mud. Like a
dog who finally caught a squirrel, he had no idea what to do with actual good players and has made some of the most
colossally stupid decisions I’ve ever seen in managing a team.
Let’s dissect just exactly how Kuney inestimably and irreconcilably took a successful team and made them into the trash
Kuney is more accustomed to. We’ll start this hilarious process by looking at who he decided to keep and, more
hilariously, didn’t keep. First up, he decided to pay the $20 to keep a mid-range QB Carson Wentz who wasn’t even
healthy until like week 3. Now here’s who Kuney didn’t keep. Melvin Gordon, who is the second best RB and has been
straight fire. But nope, Kuney didn’t need him. Just wasn’t his vision. Let’s see who else. Oh, there’s DeAndre Hopkins
which would have only cost Kuney $35. THIRTY-FIVE FREEAAAAKING DOLLARS!!! That’s what AMARI COOPER went for16.
Hopkins fetched an additional $32 on the open market totaling a $67 draft price and quite frankly has lived up to it. But
a player like that is just not Kuney’s style. You know, scoring points and all.
What an idiot. And what an embarrassment to us all, except I guess Coleman, who let this complete moron win the
trophy. There’s more though. He also let Zach Ertz go to the open market for almost 1.5 times what he would have been
able to pay. Just, you know, one of the three or four only sure things at tight end. It just didn’t fit the direction Kuney
was trying to go.
These roster moves were so idiotic that some NFL personalities have come out publicly to give their opinions on the
matter:
As it stands now, Kuney’s starting wide receiver’s couldn’t even start in my Saturday morning flag football league. It’s no
wonder I beat you to a pulp in week five, but I’m actually pretty pissed at you for wasting a somewhat decent scoring
week on your garble of puss team:
17
But let’s get an objective perspective. Here’s my dog Ocoee “dropping” his “two” cents on how he thinks Kuney is doing
this year:
16
And it’s not important mentioning who paid that
17
Seriously, how many “Biggest Blowouts of the Week” do I have?
I think what Ocoee is trying to say is that he thinks Kuney’s team is dog shit. Just my read on it. Kuney is going to have to
fight hard to stay out of last place, a standing which he has held for a good part of this year. For now, he may not be in
last, but he’s a bona fide license plate candidate and he would have no one to blame but his worthless pile of crap-faced
self.
I think I made my point here and can move on to the other teams.
Thomas Berry
OK, maybe just a few more things. Kuney sucks so entirely bad this year, he holds the following league leading marks:
There’s your triple crown of suck. What a joke of a fantasy owner and of a supposedly conscious form of sentience. How
in the hell did he go from winning to this? Honestly, not even Elon Musk can imagine falling so hard.
Oh wait, there’s more:

Now that’s bad. Just think Kuney. If you are losing by an AVERAGE of 39 points a game you could legitimately have a plus
two extra quarterbacks handicap and still be likely to lose. So while you may have lucked yourself into a title last year,
we all know it was an aberration and, quite frankly, I may invoke an investigation to discover who you paid to manage
your team last year. Evidently, they were a bit pricy to keep around.
I guess I should probably say a little something about Thomas in the Thomas section.
Thomas is not doing very well. He only kept Gronk and that has been largely a disappointment. However, Thomas wins
runner up Bust of the Year for David Johnson who has been pathetic. But at least Lev Bell has the excuse that he hasn’t
played. I was never interested in Johnson. Running backs on shitty teams are very risky and Barkley is really the only one
that has been able to shine on a pathetic team.
Not much else really going on here with Thomas. His team has been a disappointment largely in part due to the poor
advice he received from his question submission read on the Fantasy Footballers podcast prior to the draft. Clearly the
advice given was of no help to Thomas but as I have eyes everywhere I listened in on Thomas’ attempt to receive insider
information. I forget the exact advice they gave him but I’m guessing it didn’t have to do with how much FAAB to spend
on James Conner:
Finally, I’d like to say I think I’m ready to forgive Thomas for the Tim Hightower Incident of 201518. That was a dark
period in my life and in order to get my 12 step sign off, this needed to be done.
Steve Berry
Berry has been the guy that makes other league members wonder if the
team owner is even aware he’s in a fantasy league whatsoever. It’s kinda nice to see the guy that doesn’t try struggle to
be relevant. Maybe now that he just came back from Israel, he can take some time to figure out what in the actual fuck
he is doing. Since returning, he finally realized how to use FAAB this past week, so I guess that’s a start. Perhaps he was
worried about exchange rates? Luckily his trade of Lesean McCoy for Hines was vetoed for his sake, so that he was safe
from losing top of the line production the following week:
Given the sad state of Berry’s team, this is actually a positive output for him. For instance, in week four, Berry thought
he had an easy win over Adam going into Monday night. He was down 92 to 94 but had Sammy Watkins left to go on the
18
See appendix at end of report for full story
most high-flying offense the NFL has seen in some years. By the end of the night, Watkins was able to muster up the
following production to help Berry’s cause:
Real great stuff there, Berry. Luckily for him, Berry crawled his way to a win last week to resurrect his worthless team
out of dead last place and into 9th. But don’t be surprised if Basement Berry burrows his way back.
Bhupen Archi...I don’t know he’s foreign
Last year I got a little bit carried away and “forgot” to stop talking about my team in Bhupen’s team section. I took a look
at Bhupen’s team this year and as I started to fall asleep was reminded why I didn’t even bother covering his team last
year. Antonio Brownderas. HAHA. I get it. It’s like the actor and the football player. But all in one. Clever. It fittingly
parallels your roster because they are also acting like they’re football players. What a snoozefest of a team. You have
Sterling Shepard and Antonio Brown on your team which is fitting because their names combine to describe your Yahoo
level metal type19. Jalen Richard. Yawn. Jordan Howard. BUST. Jarvis Landry – BUST. Royce Freeman – DOUBLE BUST.
Let’s see who else, Mohammed “Sa-no he sucks”. At least you have an up and coming tight end with David “Na-your
team’s a joke-u”.
Ok so Kerryon Johnson is finally becoming good-ish. But that hasn’t helped his worthless sack team as they are sitting in
the muck of mediocrity which Bhupen has been in each and every year in this league. I couldn’t even evict him from his
wallowing spot in the mud due to longstanding squatter’s rights regulations. There you go Bhupen. Sorry again you
missed out on this last year.
Mike Miller
Miller. Dear God what happened? Miller completed the draft with what appeared to be a team ready to compete big-
time with big name keepers.
Let’s take a look at the ole team roster page on Yahoo to see what’s going on now:
19
Sterling Brown
Injuries are part of fantasy football and every year teams are hit with a few blows. Thankfully, Miller decided to take on
basically all of those injuries for all of us and we want to thank him for that. Miller spent a total of $93 to ensure he
could win the all-IR team honors with the purchases of Leonard Fournette, Doug Baldwin, and Dalvin Cook.
I’m not done. And Delanie Walker. And Jimmy G.
Millers All-IR Team “Starting” Roster:
QB: Jimmy G
WR Doug Baldwin
RB: Leonard Fournette
Flex: Dalvin Cook
TE: Delanie Walker
As many of you know, Miller works in finance so we’ll assume he’s in the stock market. I recently found him at work
taking a quick gander at his fantasy team assets and liabilities report:
If, in the time it’s taken you to read up to this point, your phone hasn’t notified you of a trade offer from Miller, consider
yourself lucky. It’s a bit sad to see the deceased players pictured above he has to offer.
Miller’s luck is so bad with injury this year; I wouldn’t count out him suffering from the first official IR designation for a
DST. He is now in the in-enviable position of thinking about next year while also trying to avoid receiving the Nunez
Award. He’s not off to a great start. In order to get potential keepers, he traded Stephon Diggs who, while has been
super inconsistent, is probably a better bet than how his trade for a “potential keeper” turned out:
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
In a dark room somewhere, with blanket-covered windows and death metal music blaring, Heetabh feverishly grinds his
teeth as his eyes begin to pop out of his head with rage.
Despite such bad luck, Miller was able to hang in for a while by eking out some tight battles. My favorite was watching
his team somehow hold on to a win over Silent Luke where going into Monday night Miller led 82 – 58 with Michael
Thomas vs. Silent Luke’s Drew Brees and Adrian Peterson. It really came down to the last few plays as Brees’ Saints (up
by only a million points) finally stopped throwing the ball giving Miller an 89.35-88.82 win. But whatever prayers you
gave and promises you made during said prayers, you’re going to need more if you want to have a chance to win this
year. And even more so if you want Heetabh to not vote against your fire sale trades.
Miller’s team name is a clever “dig” at himself as he endures this year of turmoil. But now that he traded Stephon Diggs
away, I generated a few new suggestions for team names using his current roster:
“Stephen Gost-OWW-ski”
“T.J. Yea-he’s-done”
“Over Cook’d-isberger”
Meh. These are only so-so. Miller, you are going to need to hit the trading block and get some new talent to develop
some more depressing name options. Here are my suggestions, just get the players that match:
“My Fuller Got Hurst, so I Beathard on Chubb”

“Mahomes Kirked My Butt”
“Ridley’s, Believe it I Suck”
“Didn’t Want to Win Enunwa”
“Digg a Cole: Put Me in Goedert”
I’ll end Miller’s section with a quick moment of silence as his team is good as dead.
Thank you all for your participation.

Jeff Henderson Sr.
My dad was once a league winner. Wow does that feel like
forever ago. Right now he is likely reading the report begging
and pleading to get a Berry Card for the trade he made with me explained earlier on. It’s a sad state for dad, who holds
the least amount of points scored. I’d have Ocoee provide his thoughts on the matter, but after reviewing dad’s team,
he remarked that he didn’t eat enough the day before to produce an accurate opinion.
Honestly, going on any further would be cruel and mean spirited and my birthday is coming up around the corner so dad
still gets his participation ribbon for his efforts.
In Closing
I can’t wait to see who will be the one to try to make me second place again, again, again. Again. Even with the
inevitable roll back in usage of Conner come playoff time, my outfit is ready to roll this year and for years to come. Just
remember that every time you tell me “ha, you’ll get second!” you know deep, deep in your heart, the day will come
when I’ll make the dream of a lifetime come true and be the World Champion of the Chicago Bros and Penn Douche
($50 buy-in) Fantasy Football League.
I built a formidable team with keepers. I drafted some studs. I picked up the cream of the crop free agents and pulled
the wool over on trading. I’ve literally done all I could. It’s all up to the Fantasy Gods now. Will this be the year they
grace the Jeffalos to victory? Just to be sure, I’ll end this year’s edition with the following prayer to the Fantasy Gods.
Dear Gods of the Fantastical Fantasies of Footballz

Jeffalo Bills here. I don’t ask for much. After many a season in the renowned Chicago Bros and Penn Douche
league (AKA “Midwest 12 and Penn Douche”, previously “Chitown Kids and Awkward Alaskan”), I have tried and
tried (and tried) to honor you Fantasy Gods by doing my research, checking those game day decisions, and
respecting the Gods in all ways possible. Every year my team destroys the league and either spontaneously
implodes like last season or stops short of winning a title in the Super Bowl or deep in the playoffs. And, like an
Alzheimer’s patient, I excitedly go through the same damn script the following year. It sure seems that maybe,
just maybe, perhapsibly, you are setting me up to fail yet again, again, again. Again. So please, if you could
grant me just this one tiny little favor this year, I would forever exalt your excellency:
FUCK OFF! Go fuck yourselves right the FUCK off! I don’t know what I ever did to y’all but you will not get in
my way this year. No Sir-e-bob! I know exactly what you’re doing. I know your maniacal evil fantasy Gods plan,
it’s clear as day! You are going to fade Conner when Bell comes back. The Rams are going to be 15-0 for the
fantasy Super Bowl and rest Todd Gurley. Josh Gordon is going to be dropped and sign with 12 different teams
between now and then and be too high to remember which stadium to show up to in week 16.
I don’t even care! Come at me bro, don’t @ me bro! JuJu has a perfect Super Bowl matchup with the Saints
and will dominate. Boyd will be as trusty as ever, Mixon will roll, and despite your continual efforts to kill Watson
again, he will stand tall. There’s nothing you can do to stop me so give it your best shot. Sure, I get it, you
might THINK I’m falling victim to conspiracy theory. Well, let’s see you go through this year after year after
year! After year. I’m on to you. I’m not losing it and going crazy here! I’m not going crazy here. I’m not
going crazy here. I am NOT going crazy here!20
Appendix
For those newer to the league, and those who want to relive any further Nunez moments, here are all the past
Midseason Reports I could find. Enjoy in moderation and with family and friends near to give you support.
2017
2016 (my personal favorite)
2015
2014
2013?
20
“I will not admit it”

Chicago Bros and Penn Douche 2018 Midseason Report: Opening Monologue

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Chicago Bros and Penn Douche 2018 Midseason Report

There’s a lot riding on this league this year. To step-up the

Given that Nunez is no longer with us, even if your season

As league Commish, it is my duty to take a step back and

12 and-a-half Place: Chris Nunez

QB1 QB2 QB3 QB4 QB5 QB6

Auction Draft Strategy Report

The Berry Card Amendment

League Satisfaction Results

Some of the more nuanced ideas include:

How about this submission?

2015: 8–1 2013: 7-3

Platinum Jeffalo’s Greatest

Standing Team Total League Difference Points Above

Hurdle 1 (July 24):

Three to four weeks of light perspiration later…

Hurdle 2: (Aug 18)

Hope 1: (Aug 27)

Hurdle 3: (Sept. 14)

Hurdle 4: (Sept. 15)

Hope 2: (Sept. 15. And hour later)

Component 2: Free Agency

Platinum Jeffalos Win/Loss Breakdown if Playing All Teams Each Week

Welcome to the bigs, rook.

2017: His honeymoon

Oh wait, there’s more:

Bhupen Archi...I don’t know he’s foreign

I’m not done. And Delanie Walker. And Jimmy G.

Millers All-IR Team “Starting” Roster:

“My Fuller Got Hurst, so I Beathard on Chubb”

Thank you all for your participation.

Dear Gods of the Fantastical Fantasies of Footballz

2016 (my personal favorite)

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