page numbering or no page 

numbering, depending on 
instructor’s menstrual 
tendencies
MLA shit

MLA shit

MLA shit

MLA shit

Short half of intelligent title: longer, post-colon half of intelligent title

Establishment of a context/raising of an issue/brief mentioning of author and text being

discussed, followed by the posing of some sort of douche-y, pretentious, diplomatic question

and/or the pointing-out of a widely held belief with which you disagree because you are smarter

than everybody else. -------- FILLER --------------------------------------------------------- FILLER,

cont. ---------------------------------------------- etc. ------------------- remember your big

polysyllabic words! ------------------- END FILLER. Aesthetically pleasing but relatively bland

statement, meant to prepare your reader for the SWAN DIVE… into the best thesis of his life.

----------------------------------- CLEVER BUT NOT REALLY CONTROVERSIAL THESIS

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------. More filler if desired; add

to taste. By the time you graduate from wherever you are, you will have mastered this subtle art.

This, the first sentence of your first body paragraph, is where the shit approaches the fan.

Do not screw this up. If you screw this up you will fail this paper and end up having to work

hard on the next one, which you do not want under any circumstances. Make sure you do not

confuse the reader; he does not enjoy confusion. He owns a red pen and is not afraid to take a

dump on your GPA. Right about now, you can be quoting things from the text/one of the texts

you’re analyzing. Remember to “sandwich,” even though we all know the quote sandwich is a
 MLA shit

trite, condescending and, on the whole, shitty grade-school analogy. --------------

---------------------------------------------- ------------------- FILLER

--------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------

----------------------------- -------------------------- ----------------------------------------

---------------------- END FILLER. Now sum things up. Package your paragraph, nice and pert.

Repeat yourself exhaustively. Finish with a satisfying, inoffensive sentence that “fits” with what

you’ve been writing about. Make sure your reader will be able to make the mental connection

between this paragraph’s argument and the thesis, or you will get more red pen than your body

has room for.

---------------------- Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V your first paragraph, then tweak it so it references

different passages and appears to argue a separate point. Again, aesthetics are your friend; write

beautifully enough to make your teacher bawl like the double rainbow guy.

-------------------------------------------- ------------- ---------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- ---------------

Parenthetical citations are like an English teacher’s babies; do not mess them up, or you will fail

this paper and be used as a class-wide example of what not to do. But then again, this may also

depend on the positioning of said instructor’s tampon. ----------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- ------------------------------

-------------------------------- ---------------------------------------
 MLA shit

--------------------------------------------------- ------------------- -----------------------------

------------------------------------------------------ ---------------------------

------------------------------------------------------ --------------

And so on and so forth for as many pages of steaming bullshit as you care to produce.

It’s always good to acknowledge points that contradict your own, but in the end, you must be

able to prove why everyone else is wrong (the reason is obvious: you’re smarter than they are

AND you have the advantage of familiarity with the instructor’s opinion). Write a perky,

intellectual conclusion at the end. And do a Works Cited page. BAM. You can officially write

an essay quicker than Emeril can use up ten sticks of butter.