An REBT Theory of Emotions

Introduction

Clients seek therapy because they have difficult situations that they are not
dealing with effectively (e.g., a failing relationship), or because there are
opportunities that they are not making the most of (e.g., remaining in a dead-end
job rather than seeking a better one). REBT is a teaching therapy; therapists
actively teach their clients how to respond effectively to events and circumstances
in their lives.

According to REBT theory, there are two ways that we can respond to problem
situations and to opportunities: (1) in a healthy, self-enhancing manner; or (2) in
an unhealthy, self-defeating manner. REBT theory posits that our response to
problems and opportunities is determined primarily by our attitudes and beliefs
towards our circumstances. If we hold rational beliefs we will respond in a
healthy manner; if we hold irrational beliefs we will respond in an unhealthy
manner.

This article looks at common problem situations that people regularly face; it
compares and contrasts healthy and unhealthy responses to those problem
situations; and it explores the beliefs that lead to an unhealthy response. But
before examining these situations, an explanation of the REBT concept of
rationality is in order.

Rational Beliefs v. Irrational Beliefs

REBT defines a rational belief as one that is (1) logical; (2) based on evidence;
and (3) helpful and pragmatic. By contrast, irrational beliefs lack logic, evidence
and pragmatism. The irrational beliefs that lead to self-defeating, unhealthy
responses to problem situations often include variations on the following themes:

1. Demands: The belief that the situation must be different from the way that
it actually is.

Page 1 of 8
 2. Awfulizing: The belief that the situation is more than 100% bad, that it is
the end of the world.

3. Low frustration tolerance (LFT): The belief that the situation is literally
unbearable.

4. People-rating: The belief that some people are better than others.

A healthy response to difficult circumstances will usually be the result of holding

beliefs that reflect the following themes:

1. Flexible and non-demanding: The belief that it would be preferable if the

situation were different, but that it is neither compulsory nor inevitable
that it be different.

2. Accurate perspective: The belief that the situation is difficult or unpleasant

but that it is not awful and not the end of the world.

3. Tolerance: The belief that although the situation is difficult or unpleasant,

it is bearable.

4. Accepting: The belief that although people’s traits and behavior can be
rated, people themselves cannot be given a global rating.

Threat or Danger

A healthy response to danger consists of either: (1) minimizing and/or avoiding

the threat; or (2) accepting the inevitability of the threat. On an emotional level, a
feeling of concern would represent a healthy response.

An unhealthy response to threats is characterized by anxiety (often expressed as

fear, panic, and stress). REBT recognizes that threats come in two categories: (1)
threats to our comfort and welfare; and (2) threats to our ego. Consequently,
REBT distinguishes between discomfort-anxiety and ego-anxiety.

Discomfort-anxiety is usually accompanied by beliefs similar to the following:

• I must avoid this threat to my comfort

• This is (will be) awful

Page 2 of 8
 • I can’t stand it

Ego-anxiety is usually accompanied by beliefs similar to the following:

• I must avoid this threat to my reputation

• It is (will be) awful if others see how unworthy I am

• This situation demonstrates that I am less worthy than others

Ego-anxiety can be distinguished from discomfort-anxiety by its heavy emphasis

on people-rating, whereas discomfort-anxiety emphasizes awfulizing and LFT.
Both discomfort-anxiety and ego-anxiety contain demanding beliefs.

Loss or Absence

Loss may come about at a certain point in a client’s life (e.g., loss of a partner or
job) or it may have always been with them (e.g., never having had a long-term
relationship).

A healthy response to loss consists of either: (1) replacing the loss; or (2)
accepting the inevitability of the loss. On an emotional level, a feeling of sadness
would represent a healthy response.

An unhealthy response to loss is characterized by depression. REBT recognizes

that loss comes in two categories: (1) loss or absence of desirable life-
circumstances—leading to self-pity; and (2) loss or absence of self-acceptance—
leading to self-deprecation. These two types of loss often occur together, and
generate two conflicting beliefs: “This world isn’t good enough for me;” and “I’m
not good enough for this world.”

Self-pitying depression is usually accompanied by beliefs similar to the following:

• Life should be better than it is

• It’s awful that life is so bad

• I can’t stand life being so bad

• I deserve better than this

Page 3 of 8
Self-deprecating depression is usually accompanied by beliefs similar to the
following:

• I should be better than I am

• I’m no good

Self-deprecating depression can be distinguished from self-pitying depression by

its heavy emphasis on people-rating, whereas self-pitying depression emphasizes
awfulizing and LFT. Self-pitying depression is different from most other
emotional disturbances in that self-pitying clients see themselves as being “too
good” for the situation they are in; they feel entitled to and deserving of better
life-circumstances. In other words, instead of rating themselves lowly, they rate
themselves highly.

Frustration

In REBT frustration is considered to be a situation, not a feeling. Frustration is a

situation in which: (1) we do not get what we want (or get what we don’t want
e.g., a malfunctioning computer); or (2) we do not get the behavior we want from
others.

A healthy response to frustration is to either: (1) change the situation so that we

get what we want; or (2) accept that the situation is unchangeable and learn to
live with it. On an emotional level, a feeling of annoyance would represent a
healthy response to frustration.

An unhealthy response to frustration is characterized by anger. Anger directed at

an object or situation is usually accompanied by beliefs similar to the following:

• I shouldn’t have to put up with this situation

• It’s awful

• I can’t stand it

Anger directed at another person is usually accompanied by beliefs similar to the

following:

• You should not have done that

Page 4 of 8
 • You are a bad person for having done it

• You deserve to punished

Demandingness is a significant component of anger—especially anger directed at

a situation or object. Anger that is directed at another person is often
characterized by an urge to punish the other person. Angry people believe that
the person who caused the frustration deserves to be punished. Deservingness is
based on two irrational beliefs: (1) “you are a bad person” (people-rating); and (2)
“because you are a bad person, you must be punished” (demandingness).

Lack of Self-Discipline
People often fail to live up to the standards that they set for themselves; they
break their own moral codes; and they break promises that they make to
themselves (e.g., to stick to a diet).

A healthy response to this lack of self-discipline is to: (1) accept oneself as a

fallible human being who will inevitably lack discipline from time to time; and (2)
strive to maintain self-discipline in the future. On an emotional level, a feeling of
remorse or regret would represent a healthy response to lack of self-discipline.

An unhealthy response to poor self-discipline is characterized by guilt. Guilt is

usually accompanied by beliefs similar to the following:

• I did something that I should not have done

• I am a bad person for having done it

• I deserve to be punished

A healthy response to lack of self-discipline focuses on the behavior and taking

steps to minimize or eradicate it; an unhealthy response focuses on the
perpetrator and taking steps to denigrate and punish him or her.

Being Let Down

Other people often let us down by breaking promises to us or by not treating us

respectfully. A healthy response to being let down is to: (1) assertively inform the

Page 5 of 8
other person that you prefer to be treated differently in the future; and/or (2)
accept that other people are fallible and will inevitably let you down from time to
time. On an emotional level, disappointment and annoyance would represent a
healthy response to being let down.

An unhealthy response to being let down is feeling hurt. Hurt is a mixed

emotion—it is a combination of (1) anger, (2) self-pitying depression, and often—
but not always (3) self-deprecating depression.

The anger component of hurt feelings is usually accompanied by beliefs similar to

the following:

• You should not have let me down

• You are a bad person for letting me down

• You deserve to punished

The self-pitying component of hurt feelings is usually accompanied by beliefs

similar to the following:

• I should not be let down

• It’s awful that you let me down

• I deserve better treatment from you

The self-deprecating component of hurt feelings is usually accompanied by

beliefs similar to the following:

• You let me down because I am not as good as I should be

• I am unworthy

Unfaithfulness

At times our relationship with a significant other may be threatened by a third

party who may lure our partner away from us. A healthy response to this threat is
to (1) accept that our partner is attractive to others and may often have admirers
who may try to lure him or her away from us; and (2) make ourselves more
attractive to our partner so that they will be less inclined to stray. On an

Page 6 of 8
emotional level, concern for the future of the relationship would represent a
healthy response.

An unhealthy response to a threatened relationship is jealousy. Jealousy is a

mixed emotion—it is a combination of anger and ego-anxiety. The anger could be
directed at the partner, or at the third party who is trying to lure away the
partner, or at both the partner and the third party.

Anger directed at the third party is usually accompanied by beliefs similar to the
following:

• You must not lure my partner away from me

• You are a bad person for seducing my partner

• You deserve to be punished

Anger directed at the partner is usually accompanied by beliefs similar to the

following:

• You belong to me and must not have a relationship with anyone else

• You are a bad person

• You deserve to be punished

Ego-anxiety associated with threats to a relationship is usually accompanied by

beliefs similar to the following:

• I must have a partner who is faithful to me

• It is awful that my partner is unfaithful because it shows everyone that I

am defective

• I am worthless

The examples provided here do not show all the beliefs associated with unhealthy
responses to problem situations and opportunities, but they do show the most
influential beliefs.

Page 7 of 8
Summary

REBT posits that we all tend to transform our desires into demands and become
so upset by these demands that we react ineffectively towards our problems and
opportunities. We make demands about ourselves, other people, and the world
around us. Once we make demands: (1) we awfulize if the demands are not met—
or we suspect that they may not be met in the future; (2) we convince ourselves
that we can’t bear not having our demands met; and (3) we denigrate—and often
want to punish—the person responsible for our demands not being met.

The good news is that we can minimize—though not totally eradicate—this

tendency by: (1) noting the demands that lead to unhealthy responses; (2)
challenge and dispute our demands; and (3) ultimately change the demands back
into preferences.

If we avoid demands and stick to preferences we can respond to problem

situations in healthy ways that encourage us to pursue our goals.

This brief summary of an REBT theory of emotions was prepared by Will Ross and may be reproduced and
distributed freely.

Page 8 of 8