Copyright

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and

incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a
fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual
events is purely coincidental.
The original image used for the book cover of this work is not the author's
property. No copyright infringement intended.
Short novel sequel for the story Hello, Death. Read HELLO, DEATH and A WALK WITH
DEATH first.
08:42 AM | May 30, 2017

Teaser

***
Natalie escaped a cold death and brought with her a silver feather. It was glowing.
It was familiar. But it wasn't the only mystery that baffled her.
After waking up, she started seeing deaths and unnameable creatures looming around
the dying. There were messages in her phone na hindi niya maalala kung kanino
nanggaling. And she is longing for something... or someone that she doesn't
remember.
Then she met her new landlord, Henry. He looked like a grim angel, a refuge, and a
lot of answers. For a stranger, he looked painstakingly familiar. #

Prologue

***
"Focus on your breathing. That's good. Breathe and relax, Natalie."
Papalayo sa pandinig ko ang tinig.
"You're back in March 6, 2017. You're inside a freezer. What are you doing there,
Natalie? Who's with you?"
Nakatayo ako sa gitna ng walang hanggang dilim. It was a void, I'm sure. Nothing
seems to exist in that dark but demise.
The cold slowly crept up, freezing my bones. The chill hurts.
I was walking towards... where?
No. I wasn't just walking. I was... following someone.
I could make out a pair of white feet in my blurred vision.
Who are you?
But I have no voice. I couldn't hear my voice in that dark, only my thoughts.
"Surrender to life, stupid human," I heard that someone told me.
I took another step, into a light sucking me in. I knew that if I gave in to the
light, I wouldn't see that someone again.
I was confused.
I was sad.
Why was I sad?
Ah. I wanted to see that someone. Touch him, maybe. Talk to him more.
I wanted to hold on to him but I knew that I couldn't.
I shouldn't.
But sadness was powerful. It drove me into desperation.
I held out my hand to grab unto him and pulled at something.
Silver feathers rained around me as I was spiraling into the blinding light.
"Wake up, stupid."
I jerked from where I laid and gasped for breath.
"Natalie? Are you okay? I lost you in the process. Did you learn anything new?"
Napatitig ako sa mukha ng babaeng kaharap ko. Nakababa ang palapad na eyeglasses
niya sa tungki ng matangos na ilong. Nakatitig ang itim na mga mata sa'kin. She has
a gentle smile but her eyes are curious.
Pumikit ako nang mariin, inaalala ang pangalan niya. Nahihirapan na naman akong
hagilapin sa sulok ng utak ko ang anumang pangalan.
"I'm okay..."-lumunok ako, kumunot ang noo-"Dr. Jill."
She eyed me in hesitation. "Did you learn anything new?"
Umiling ako. Tulad pa rin ng dati ang laman ng alaala ko.
I was walking in a place abandoned by light. There was someone with me but I
couldn't remember who. I grabbed unto something before I woke up.
I brought that something with me.
"Too bad. I know that you really want to remember whatever it is that you have
forgotten. It's fascinating. Even hypnosis couldn't help," sabi ni Dr. Jill.
Hindi ako makangiti.
I wanted to remember. Why can't I?
Napahawak ako sa pendant ng kuwintas na suot ko. Sa mata ng lahat, it was a simple
silver roped necklace with a broken jade pendant. Only I could see that the bail
under the tear-shaped gem was holding something invisible.
When I hold my necklace, I was touching something that isn't of the mortal world. I
was touching the silver feather. #0221ma/06062017

Chapter 01: The first time I saw you

A death god whose name is known, whose prayers changed the course of fate of a
human being, curses himself into the abyss of being forgotten.

***
Dalawang ulit akong kumatok sa pintuan bago pihitin ang knob ng opisina ni Dr.
Jill.
Nakangiti ang doktora nang bumaling sa'kin. Dr. Jill is a forty-something
psychiatrist with her own office in the heart of the Metro. Short bob ang buhok
niya, sharp ang features ng mukha, pero palangiti. Most of the time, she looked
like a bright morning. Light yellow ang suot niyang blouse sa ilalim ng puting
cardigan. Puti ang pants. Sa magdadalawang buwan kong internship sa kanya, bilang
sa daliri ang makita siya sa ibang kulay ng damit. She loves yellow and white.
Evident 'yun hanggang sa yari ng opisina niya-white blinds, white tables, yellow
couches.
I realized that she had been looking out the large glass window before my entry.
Nakaangat ang blinds. I was always curious kung ano ang lagi niyang tinatanaw sa
labas, when the only view to see was the coffee shop right across the street. The
office was situated in a mostly quiet intersection. Bihira ang sasakyan.
"Yes, Natalie? Tumawag si Julius?" tanong niya, tinutukoy ang pasyente na naka-
schedule for 3:15.
"Yes, Doktora. Katatawag lang po. Hindi raw po siya makakarating sa session n'yo
today," I told her.
Tumango siya. Nablangko sandali ang mga mata habang nag-iisip.
"He had an attack while showering," dagdag ko.
Julius Anonuevo was a patient suffering from General Anxiety Disorder. Hirap itong
umalis ng bahay, bumiyahe, at lalo na ang magtagal sa mga hindi pamilyar na lugar.
He was a patient before my internship pero dalawang beses ko pa lang itong nakita.
She nodded again. "I should call him. May ibinilin pa ba siyang iba?"
"Wala naman po. Mukhang maghihintay siya sa tawag n'yo."
"Okay."
Inaabot na ni Dr. Jill ang telepono sa ibabaw ng glass table habang isasara ko na
sana ang pinto ng opisina nang bumaling uli siya sa'kin.
"Since wala si Julius ngayon, pwede ka nang mag-out nang maaga. Sabi mo, ngayon ka
lilipat ng bahay, 'di ba? Tama ba ang alala ko o tumatanda na 'ko?"
Napangiti ako. "Ngayon nga po."
"Then, be on your way, dear. We'll be alright here. Just turn your notes for
today's patients to Vanessa," bilin pa niya.
"Yes, Doktora."
"At 'wag mong kalimutang dalhin ang regalo ko para sa paglipat mo ng residence. The
blue-wrapped box on the long desk, it's yours."
Tumango uli ako at nagpasalamat. Isa si Doktora sa mga taong mahirap hindian lalo
na kapag nakangiti.
She smiled one last time before busying herself with the phone. Maingat ko namang
isinara ang pinto at bumalik sa table ko sa labas.
I checked my notes and patient's sheets since the morning. Bakante pa ang mesa ni
Miss Vanessa na katabi ng sa akin. She might be buying coffee.
I was ready to go when the office door opened. Pumasok ang dalawang babae sa loob
at mahinang nag-usap bago lumapit sa'kin.
"Hello po. How can I help you?" tanong ko sa kanila at tumayo.
Nagtama ang mata namin ng nauunang babae. She looked like she was in her thirties.
Naka-braid ang may kahabaang buhok. Dark eyes. Pressed lips. Pale. She was wearing
clothes that seemed too old for her-button-down blouse, long gray skirt, flat
sandals.
She stuttered when she spoke. "I was wondering if... uh, we don't have an
appointment but we thought we should check if we could meet Dr. Jill Novalle?"
Sumulyap ako sa likuran niya para sa kasama niyang babae pero iba ang nahuli ng mga
mata ko.
Standing by the door was a man dressed in all white. Natatakluban ng malagong buhok
ang kaliwang mata nito. He was ethereal white in complexion that he was almost
transparent. Sharp ang facial features. Gray ang mata. He looked good and other-
worldly. As if he was glowing from underneath his skin. He was exuding an
oppressive aura.
He is a death god. I am sure.
He looked at me and frowned.
"You can see me," he said matter-of-factly.
I froze. Napalunok ako at wala sa loob na napahawak sa kwintas ko. Kumurap ako,
sinusubukang paglahuin ang nakikita ng mga mata ko.
"She's... I mean..." I was lost. Huminga ako nang malalim habang nakakapit sa
kwintas ko.
Bumaba ang mata ng nilalang sa bagay na nasa palad ko. The silver feather was
glowing.
"I see. You have a feather with you," he said. Humalukipkip ito at inalis na ang
atensyon sa'kin.
"Excuse me? Are you okay?" the woman asked me.
I took a deep breath and failed in attempting to smile. "I mean... Dr. Jill is on
the phone right now. Pakisulat na lang po muna ang pangalan ninyo dito sa log
book,"-binuklat ko ang log book para sa mga pasyente at humagilap ng ballpen sa
table-"tapos, kakatukin ko po si Doktora para ipaalam ang case ninyo."
Tumalima ang nauunang babae. She wrote her name-Mary Ann-in the book and signed.
Pagkatapos ay nilingon niya ang mas batang babae na kasama at pinagsulat din. The
younger one's name was Katherine.
"Sino po sa inyo ang magpapakonsulta?" tanong ko.
"Itong kapatid ko," sagot ni Mary Ann.
Tumango ako bago sumulyap sa lalaking nasa pinto. I knew that he was following the
older sister. Base sa distansiya niya sa babaeng sinusundan, alam ko rin na malapit
na ang kamatayan ng babae. If I happened to touch Mary Ann, kahit na sandali lang,
siguradong masisilip ko kung pa'no siya mamamatay. Kailangan kong mag-ingat.
"I'll check with Dr. Novalle first," sabi ko at tumuloy sa opisina.
I knocked twice and opened the door. Nasa telepono pa rin si Dr. Jill nang bumaling
sa akin.
"May walk-in po na gustong magpakonsulta. Paghihintayin ko po ba?" I asked.
Itinakip ni Doktora ang palad sa mouthpiece ng telepono at kumunot ang noo sa'kin.
"What's the problem, Natalie?"
"Po?" Napalunok ako.
"You're clutching your necklace again. What's the matter?"
Umiling ako. "Wala po. I'm okay. May naalala lang."
"Are you absolutely sure?"
Hindi ko naman pwedeng sabihin kay Doktora na wala talagang problema. Seeing death
gods and being affected by their oppressive aura was not a thing to worry about. It
is the natural order of things. Two beings who do not share the same spiritual
frequency will experience each other differently. All the books I read through
research claimed that a human being was lowly compared to invisible and celestial
beings. Ibig sabihin, dahil mortal ako, likas akong mate-threaten sa mga nilalang
na mas mataas kaysa sa'kin.
"I'm sure po," sagot ko.
"Where's Vanessa?"
"Bumili po yata ng coffee."
Nag-isip sandali si Dr. Jill bago ngumiti. "Take a deep breath, dear. Tell our
visitors na hintayin ako. I'll just talk with Julius more."
"Okay po."
"Kapag bumalik na si Vanessa, i-turn over mo na lang sa kanya ang mga bagong
dating. You should go. Mata-traffic ka."
Ngumiti uli ako at nagpasalamat bago lumabas.
"Dr. Jill will see you in a while. May telephone session lang po siya sa isa naming
pasyente," sabi ko sa magkapatid.
I was thinking what to say next when Miss Vanessa went inside the office. May dala
itong kape.
"I'm sorry, Natalie, natagalan ako sa coffee." Hinagod niya 'ko ng tingin. "Pauwi
ka na? May lipat-bahay ka ngayon, 'di ba?"
"Yes. Hinihintay ko lang po kayo. May walk-in tayo. Pinapaghintay ni Doktora."
"Oh." Ibinaba ni Miss Vanessa ang dalawang tall cups ng kape sa mesa niya bago
ngumiti sa mga bisita. Nakipagkamay. "I'm Vanessa, Dr. Novalle's assistant. Baka
nakalimutan ni Natalie magpakilala, she's our intern."
Awkward akong napangiti. "Nakalimutan ko nga po." Pero kasalanan 'yun ng death god
na kasama nila.
"Nag-log na sila?" Miss Vanessa asked. Kaswal niyang iniabot sa'kin ang isang cup
ng kape. "Take it with you. Para sakaling ma-traffic ka, may iniinom ka."
"Yes po, nag-log na sila. Thank you."
"Okay. Ako na'ng bahala sa kanila. You should go."
Tumango ako kay Miss Van at isinukbit ang shoulder bag ko. "Mauna na po ako."
Narinig kong nagsisimula na ng usapan si Miss Van bago pa ako makalabas ng office.
***
Four months ago, I survived a freezing death and saw a different world. I was
clutching on a glowing silver feather when I came to. Noong una, walang ibang bagay
na kakaiba maliban sa balahibo na laging nasa kamay ko. Pero isang araw, nagpalit
ng nurse na nagra-rounds sa ward kung saan ako naka-admit. That nurse checked on me
and touched me. Then, I saw it.
Isang gabi, makakainom ito ng sobra at male-late ng uwi. Matutulog ito na tulad sa
iba pang mga gabi. But that night, she was too tired, too spent. Mataas ang alkohol
sa dugo nito. Hindi nito namalayan nang kapusin ng hininga. Hindi nakahingi ng
tulong dahil sa kalasingan. Sa umaga ay matatagpuan ito ng sariling magulang sa
sarili nitong silid.
But that's not the horror of it. Ang nakakatakot, dahil lang sa isang hawak, sa
isang pagtatama ng mata namin, alam ko kung kailan eksakto mangyayari ang kamatayan
niya. Nakita ko sa pangitain ang anino ng susundo sa kanya para sa kabilang buhay.
I learned that the nurse died twelve days after.
Nang lumabas ako ng ospital, nagbago ang mundong nakikita ko. Instead of just
humans walking the Earth, I saw shadows in our midst. May mga aninong nakasunod sa
bawat taong malapit nang mamatay. May mga aninong sumusundo. May mga anino namang
parang unti-unting kumakain sa iba pa.
I don't know the exact differences of those shadows. Basta nasa paligid natin sila.
O nasa katawan mismo natin. O nasa likuran.
Bukod sa mga anino, may iba pa 'kong nakikita. Other-worldly beings. I know of them
as death gods, kahit hindi naman sila nagpapakilala. They were glowing an ethereal
glow. They were wearing white. Iba-iba ang mukha. Iba-iba ang tangkad. They were
mostly male. They were all beautiful. Pero gaya sa mga anino, hindi ko rin alam
kung ano ang pagkakaiba-iba nila o kung bakit ko sila nakikita.
Most of the time, I am okay. Basta't hindi ko lang aksidenteng mahahawakan o
madadampian man lang ang sinuman na malapit nang mamatay. O iyong kinakain ng
anino. Kapag walang horrid visions, okay lang ako.
Pero may mga araw na nakatitig lang ako sa cellphone ko. There were messages there
from someone I couldn't remember. Kahit 'yung name sa phone ko, hindi ko alam kung
pa'nong naging puro symbols lang.
I was trying to remember who sent them. Pakiramdam ko kasi, importante siya. Funny,
but even though that someone always called me stupid, reading those messages gave
me a sense of security. Napapayapa ako. Nalulungkot din. Nangungulila rin.
At may mga araw na gaya ngayon, na passive lang ako sa mga bagay. It's tiring to
see shadows and other-worldly beings. It's tiring to remember something that seemed
too forgotten. Kahit hypnosis na ilang ulit ko nang ni-request kay Dr. Jill, walang
epekto.
Huminto ang taxi at in-announce ni Manong driver na nakarating na kami sa address
na sinabi ko.
Nagbayad ako at bumaba. Nasa labas na ng bahay nila si Eunice, naghihintay sa'kin.
Nakaparada na rin ang van na maghahatid sa ilang boxes ng mga gamit ko. Mostly ay
mga libro ko 'yun sa school, ilang personal things, at mga damit na bigay ni
Eunice.
"Hey! We're all ready!" sabi niyang sumalubong at kumabit sa braso ko. "Umalis sina
Mama at Papa kaya ako lang maghahatid sa'yo. Binigyan lang nila 'ko ng allowance
para bumili ng pagkain. Mag-housewarming daw tayo pagdating sa lilipatan mo."
"Housewarming talaga? Hindi naman sa'kin ang bahay. Uupa lang ako ng kwarto ro'n,"
sabi kong naiiling.
Hinihila na 'ko ni Eunice sa loob ng van. Nagpapahila lang ako.
"Pakape uli 'yan ni Miss Assistant?" tanong niya, tinutukoy si Miss Vanessa.
Tumango ako. Iniabot sa kanya ang kape para makainom siya.
We settled inside the vehicle. Itinuon ko ang atensyon ko kay Eunice kaysa sa mga
anino na nasa labas ng sasakyan.
"Kahit na hindi sa'yo 'yung bahay, pwede naman tayong bumili ng pagkain. 'Di ba,
sabi ni Lolo Dimos, wala pang ibang tenant bukod sa'yo? Swerte mo nga. Gusto ko
ring makiupa ng kwarto ro'n kung may maidadahilan lang ako kina Mama."
Natawa ako sa kanya. "Hindi papayag sina Tita. Baka solohin ka ni Jake eh. Takot pa
naman silang ikasal ka agad."
Umikot ang mata ni Eunice. Ibinalik sa'kin ang kape. "I know right. Ano'ng bibilhin
nating pagkain? Daanan na natin para may maipasalubong tayong pagkain kay Lolo."
Nag-brainstorm kami sa pagkain. We decided na bumili ng pancit palabok, puto,
dinuguan, at soft drinks.
***
Nakarating kami sa dalawang palapag na bahay na pinauupahan ng mga delos Santos.
Iyon ang huling bahay sa tumbok ng kalye ng subdivision. Gawa iyon sa kahoy maliban
sa pundasyon. Makaluma ang design. Isang beses lang akong nakapasok sa loob pero
napalagay na agad ako. Halos antigo pati ang mga gamit. Sa bakuran naman, maraming
halamang namumulaklak. May duyan pa na gawa sa kahoy at kasya ang tatlong taong
mauupo.
Bargain ang presyo ng kwarto na nakuha ko. Hindi naman daw talaga pinauupahan ang
bahay dati. Pero dahil nag-retire na sa pagiging university professor si Lolo
Dimos, gusto nito ng iba pang tao sa bahay.
Naibaba na namin ang tatlong may kalakihang karton at basket ng iba pang gamit ko
nang mag-doorbell kami.
Walang nagbubukas ng gate.
"Baka wala si Lolo?" sabi ni Eunice sa'kin. Bitbit niya ang bilao ng pancit
palabok.
"Alam niyang ngayon ako lilipat eh," sabi ko at nag-doorbell uli.
We waited for a few minutes but no one came out.
"Baka hindi naririnig ni Lolo 'yung doorbell?" si Eunice uli.
Pumindot uli ako at sinabayan ng pagtatawag.
"Lolo?! Si Natalie po ito! Tao po! Nandito na po ako!" sigaw ko.
May narinig akong kaluskos mula sa loob. Napabilis ang pagpindot ko sa doorbell.
"Lolo?! Tao po! Tao po!"
"Don't shout," malalim ang boses na saway ng tinig sa kabila ng tarangkahan.
I automatically stopped. I heard ringing in my ears and I thought my eyes blurred a
little. Pero pagkurap ko, normal naman ang vision ko.
We heard the metal lock of the gates turned. Wala sa loob na napahawak ako sa
kwintas ko nang bumukas ang tarangkahan.
I stared into a man in his late twenties. Pale, smooth complexion. Caramel eyes.
Doll lashes. Straight, thick eyebrows. Aristocratic nose. Cherry pressed lips.
Angular jaw. Dark, wavy, unkempt hair. As if the wind or his fingers brushed
through it. Cowlicks sticking out of his nape and his ears.
He looked angelic yet he looked grim. Nakapamulsa siya sa malambot na pantalon na
suot. Puti ang colarless na shirt.
Our eyes met and the ringing in my ears grew louder.
"Natalie," tawag niya sa'kin.
The ringing stopped.
"Yes?" I asked, my voice sounding stupidly weak.
He looked familiar to me.
"I'm Henry delos Santos. Apo ni Lolo Dimos. Umalis siya at ibinilin ka sa'kin,"
sabi niya, direktang nakatingin sa'kin. Malumanay at malalim ang boses niya.
Napatango ako. Nakahawak pa rin sa kwintas ko.
Bumaba ang mata niya sa hawak ko. He looked so intently at my necklace that I
almost thought he could see the invisible.
But he looked at me again and pressed his lips. Lumampas siya sa'kin para buhatin
ang isa sa mga kahon at naunang maglakad papasok sa bakuran.
Nakasunod lang ang mata ko sa kilos niya. He looked familiar and it was nagging at
me. But I couldn't remember where I could have seen him.
"Why are you staring? Let's get inside," sabi niya sa'kin kahit na hindi lumingon.
Binuhat ng driver ng van ang isa sa mga kahon. Binuhat ko naman ang basket at
sumunod kay Henry.
Tumabi sa'kin si Eunice at bumulong, "Psychic ba siya? Alam niyang ikaw 'yung uupa
kahit dalawa tayong nasa pinto. Tapos, alam niyang nakatingin ka eh hindi naman
siya lumingon. Weird." Siniko ako ni Eunice. "Nasa speed dial mo 'ko, ha? Baka
psycho 'yang apo ni Lolo Dimos, bumalik ka na lang sa bahay 'pag may nangyaring
kakaiba."
Mahina lang akong tumawa sa inis ni Eunice. But she was right with her
observations. Henry acted weird. # 1232ma/06112017

Chapter 02: First touch

TCWDM: If you want to tweet about this story, please use #AfterDeathWP or
#HelloDeath for hashtags. Para ma-stalk ko. Thanks. :3
***
Things of celestial nature, when released into the mortal world, bring about
glitches in the natural order of things. It should be returned to the rightful
owner or destroyed to prevent further complications.
***
May mainit na kamay na pumisil sa balikat ko. Iniangat ko ang ulo ko mula sa
pagkakasubsob sa sarili kong braso sa desk. Marahan ang kurap ko nang kilalanin ang
mukha ni Miss Vanessa.
"Problem with the new house?" tanong niya. Mas nag-chubby ang pisngi dahil sa
pagkakangiti.
Miss Vanessa looks like a bubbly and warm older sister. Bright smile. Teasing eyes.
She likes wearing classy clothes in pop shades-orange, apple green, hot pink. Kahit
lipstick niya, madalas pink. She's warm today, too.
"Sorry po, nakaidlip ako," sabi ko at tumuwid ng upo. I yawned.
Lunch time na base sa oras. Thirty minutes din akong nakaidlip.
"So, how is it? Bakit parang lagi kang puyat? Namamahay ka?" she asked again. "It's
been a week." Nakaupo na siya sa desk niya, inaayos ang ilang papel na hawak-
patient's record.
Hindi ko alam kung pa'no ipapaliwanag ang nangyayari sa'kin. Napatagal tuloy ang
tingin ko sa kanya.
"Hm? What is it?" untag uli ni Miss Van.
"Parang hindi naman po ako namamahay. Comfortable naman sa kuwartong nilipatan ko.
It's just..." I tried to find the words to explain what's happening to me. "It's
just that... 'yung landlord..."
"What about the landlord? Matandang lalaki ang landlord mo, 'di ba? May problema sa
kanya?"
Alanganin akong nangiti. First of, for a week ay ang apo ni Lolo Dimos ang landlord
ko. Hindi ko pa uli nakikita si Lolo mula nang lumipat ako. Hindi ko naman matanong
kay Prof. Henry dahil hindi ako kinakausap. Yes, I learned through the week that
he's a university professor. Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan hanggang ngayon ay
'yung patintero naming visibility sa iisang bahay.
I was occupying one of the rooms on the second floor. Sa ibaba naman ng bahay ang
kuwarto ni Prof. Kapag nasa common rooms ako ng bahay-sala, kusina, library-nasa
kuwarto siya. Kapag nasa kuwarto na 'ko o nasa bakuran, do'n lang siya lumalabas ng
kuwarto niya. Ni hindi pa kami nagsasabay sa pagkain. Libre ang pagkain ko sa
bahay. Nagigising akong may lutong almusal pero hindi ko magalaw dahil nahihiya
akong kumaing mag-isa. Umuuwi naman ako ng late sa gabi na nakakain na.
My guess was that he was extremely uncomfortable to live with a female student like
me because he's a professor. But that's just a guess. Hindi talaga ako sigurado
kung ano ang ayaw niya sa'kin.
Umiling ako. "Hindi lang po siguro ako sanay sa landlord ko. Wala pa kasing ibang
tenant sa bahay."
Napatango si Miss Vanessa. "Kaya ka laging puyat? Are you worrying about
something?"
Ibang kaso naman ang puyat ko. It's a mystery to me pero... "I don't know kung
nagwo-worry po ako or what. Nakakatulog naman ako sa nilipatan ko pero pakiramdam
ko, mababaw? Like, hindi ko naaabot 'yung deep sleep ko or something."
"Nagigising ka sa kalagitnaan ng gabi?"
"Hindi naman po. Pero sobrang aga kong magising at nakaupo lang ako sa kuwarto ko,"
amin ko.
Pinatas ni Miss Vanessa ang ilang papel sa table nito at nagbukas ng notebook.
Natuon sandali ang atensyon nito roon bago bumaling sa'kin. "Maybe you should
invite Eunice over, kahit isang gabi lang. Baka makatulong para mapalagay ka kaagad
sa nilipatan mo."
"Tingin n'yo po?"
"Yes. Kapag nakatulog do'n ang kaibigan mo, baka mapalagay ka rin."
"Sige po. Sabihan ko siya."
"Lunch na tayo?" yaya ni Miss Van. "Mamayang hapon pa ang balik ni Doktora eh. O
baka gusto mo pang matulog?"
Pasimple akong napahawak sa tiyan ko. Sa totoo lang ay mula umaga iyong kumukulo.
Crackers lang sa taxi ang naging almusal ko.
"No. Nagugutom na po ako."
We headed out for lunch.
***
Unfortunately for today, maaga kaming natapos. Pagbalik ni Doktora mula sa
convention, nanlibre lang ng snacks at nagpa-out na. May eyebags daw kasi ako. I
shouldn't stress too much with work daw.
But dealing with people who are broken mentally is actually a kind of relief for
me. I once dreaded living that I tried to end it once. But seeing actual people who
fight battles inside their heads-battles that they want to get out of-I realized
that I'm actually extremely lucky that the things I hate are external. I can always
do something about it. If I'm uncomfortable with certain people, pwede akong
umiwas. Kapag ayoko na sa isang trabaho gaya no'ng sa coffee shop, pwede kong
iwanan. Kapag ayoko ng isang bagay, pwede kong kagalitan. Kapag ayoko ng iniisip
ko, pwede kong libangin ang sarili ko hanggang sa mapalitan 'yung thought. But
people with mental disorders can't get away easily from their demons and the things
they fear of. They live with it everyday because it's in their head.
Kaya hindi ako nai-stress sa trabaho. Mas nai-stress ako sa daan pauwi.
May pinabitbit sa'king fruit cakes si Doktora. I-share ko raw sa landlord ko. At
dahil maganda ang ngiti niya, hindi ko masabing ni anino ng landlord ko, mahirap
hulihin. She and Miss Vanessa thought it was a good chance for me to bond with my
landlord.
Bonding talaga. They didn't know how hard it is to look that person in the eye. May
ringing sa tainga ko at parang nahihilo ako. Hindi ako makapag-isip nang maayos. At
kapag lumamig ang mata niya, gusto ko nang magtago sa kuwarto ko kasi pakiramdam
ko, may ginawa akong mali.
I didn't even know him that much but his effect on me is overbearing. Terror
professor siguro siya kung saan man siya nagtuturo.
Nasa bungad pa lang ng subdivision ay bumaba na ako ng taxi. Maglalakad na lang ako
hanggang sa bahay. Tatambay na rin siguro muna sa park na lagi kong nadadaanan
kapag pauwi. Yes. I'll do what it takes to delay time.
Pababa na ang araw nang maupo ako sa isa sa mga concrete bench sa park. May
mangilan-ngilang pang bata na naglalaro roon kasama ang mga yaya nila. I watched
children play. I also watched them getting fetched. Nang halos wala nang tao sa
park, 'yung mga punong akasya naman na nakapalibot ang pinanood ko.
The park has a typical design for kids. May mga metal playthings. May dalawang rows
ng duyan. May dalawang set ng seesaws. May dalawang set ng slides na magkaiba ang
taas. May mini-rope course na para sa pagtulay at para sa pagbabaging. Sa loob at
palibot ay may mga concrete tables at benches. Since it's early July, malago ang
mga berdeng damo sa paminsan-minsang pag-ulan.
I was lucky that it didn't rain today. Wala pang papasok na bagyo.
The sky was changing colors and I was dreading going home when I felt an oppressive
presence walking towards me. I clutched my necklace and closed my eyes tightly.
"I'm sorry. I mean no harm. I just had to look closely at your necklace," sabi ng
isang malalim na boses.
Please just go. Please.
Pero naramdaman kong naupo sa tabi ko ang nilalang.
He breathed out. "It's a good day."
Dahan-dahan akong nagmulat at bumaling sa katabi ko. Nakatingin din ito sa'kin.
It's a death god, alright.
Pino ang itim na buhok nito na hanggang balikat. Murang asul ang mga mata. Matangos
ang ilong. Pinkish lips. He's slender in his pure white clothing. Ethereal white in
complexion. But his smile is another thing. I can tell that he's amused.
"The feather in your necklace is interesting. Why do you walk around wearing that?"
he asked.
Nanginginig maging ang labi ko.
Nangiti siya at binulungan ako ng isang salita.
"Say that word like a prayer whenever you see a death god. It will help."
Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya.
"Try it, human," sabi niya.
Ibinulong ko ang salitang sinabi niya at huminga nang malalim. Pagbaling ko uli sa
kanya, bawas na ang panginginig ko.
It did help lessening his oppressive effect.
"You... are you coming for me? Am I dying?" lakas-loob kong tanong.
Tumanaw lang siya sa malaking bahay sa harapan ng parke.
"Death is not possible for you right now. You have that thing. Didn't you know?"
sagot niya.
Napalunok ako. Hindi ko naiintindihan ang sinasabi niya.
"You're not coming for me?" ulit ko.
"No."
"What do you mean that death is not possible for me?" tanong ko pa.
Napatingin uli siya sa'kin. Sumandal siya nang maayos sa bench na inuupuan namin at
tumingala sa malaking puno na nakayungyong.
"You have that thing but you didn't know." He paused and for a moment, akala ko ay
tititig na lang siya sa akasya hanggang sa magdilim pero, "Hindi mo ba alam kung
ano ang dala mo?"
"I know what this is."
"Are you sure?"
"This is a feather... of a death god," sagot ko. I can conclude that much since the
time I woke up. I also thought that that is the reason why I can see the death of
people.
"A feather from a death god's wings," pagtatama niya, nakatingala pa rin. "I heard
before of death gods giving things to human beings but this is just the third time
I saw a feather. You're actually wearing it."
Napahawak uli ako sa balahibo. "I don't know how to detach from it," amin ko.
"Sinubukan ko na 'tong iwan sa bahay o ilagay sa ibang lugar pero bumabalik lang
sa'kin."
Natigilan siya. Napatingin sa'kin. "You stole that, didn't you?"
Ako naman ang natigilan at napatingin lang sa kanya. "What do you mean?"
"You don't know why you have that feather. You don't know what to do with it. And
it can't detach from you. That means that that isn't given freely to you. You stole
it."
I wanted to tell him I didn't but I wasn't sure. Tama siya. Hindi ko alam kung
bakit ako nagising na may hawak na feather. O kung ano ang gagawin ko ro'n.
Ninakaw ko ang balahibo galing sa pakpak ng isang death god? Pa'no ko nagawa 'yun?
"If that's true... is it a crime? Am I going to be punished? To hell?"
Nailing lang ang kausap ko at ngumiti. "You're funny. You've been walking for
months with that thing without any knowledge of its powers. But that's better, I
think."
"What? Ano'ng sinasabi mo?"
Tumayo siya sa bench at nagsimulang humakbang pasulong.
"Teka lang, death god-"
Lumingon siya na nagpatikom sa bibig ko. "Nice chat but I can't talk longer. You're
a mortal. Even with that thing around your neck, you've sat beside death. I have to
be careful not to get you sick or give you anything else," aniya. "See you around,
Natalie."
"Sandali! Alam mo ang pangalan ko? Ikaw? Ano'ng pangalan mo?"
Pero ngumiti lang siya sa'kin at naglaho sa hangin.
***
Hindi ko namalayan nang makarating ako sa gate ng bahay. Habang naglalakad pauwi ay
paulit-ulit lang sa isip ko ang mga sinabi ng death god na may mahabang buhok. Na
ninakaw ko ang feather. Na hindi ako possible na mamatay anytime soon. I don't know
what all those things mean.
Nang buksan ni Prof. ang gate, napahawak lang uli ako sa kwintas ko. Nagri-ring na
naman ang tainga ko at nahihilo ako. Nawala lang iyon pagtalikod niya sa'kin.
Tahimik akong pumasok sa bahay. Dahil nanginginig ako, wala sa loob na naibulong ko
ang salitang ginamit ko sa death god para kumalma. I did calm down. Pero nagitla
ako nang lumingon sa'kin si Prof.
I almost jumped.
"Bakit... po?" nauutal kong tanong.
"Nothing. You're early today," komento niya. Malumanay pero malamig ang boses.
"Opo. Maaga akong pinag-out ni Doktora," sabi ko.
Tumango lang siya at tumalikod. Parang babalik na naman sa kuwarto niya.
"Sandali, Prof!" nakapikit na tawag ko sa kanya.
Huminto siya sa paghakbang pero hindi lumingon.
"May dala po akong ano... fruit cake. Bigay ni ano... ni Doktora. Ano... i-share ko
raw sa inyo." Napalunok ako. "If you want?"
A second felt too long to wait for his reply.
"I don't want it. You should sleep early. You don't look good," sabi lang niya at
nagtuloy na sa kuwarto niya.
Nakatanga ako hanggang sa marinig ko ang pagsara ng pinto.
***
I ate in my room that night kahit na alam kong posibleng nagluto si Prof. para
sa'kin. Hindi rin naman siya sasabay. Hindi siya hospitable, kabaligtaran ni Lolo
Dimos. He's so cold, it's like he's not human at all. Mas komportable na 'kong mag-
dinner ng fruit cake at mainit na tsokolate kaysa ma-snob o matalikuran na naman.
I read a little from my school books before actually falling asleep. And I didn't
know if I really did sleep. Nagising na lang ako sa uhaw nang madaling-araw na. I
checked the time sa cellphone ko at 2:oo a.m. pa lang.
Pumupungas ako nang bumaba sa kusina para uminom.
I was about to go back to my room when I noticed that the front door was slightly
open. Pumapasok ang bahagyang malamig na hangin doon.
Napasimangot ako. It's too lax for Prof. na makalimutang magsara nang maayos ng
pinto. Kahit na nasa subdivision kami, creative ang mga magnanakaw sa pagpasok sa
mga bahay. It shouldn't be overlooked. I wonder kung pwede ko siyang isnabin din o
pagalitan tungkol do'n.
Lumapit ako sa pintuan at tangkang isasara 'yun nang masilip ko ang bakuran.
Professor Henry was in the garden, his back to me. Napakunot ang noo ko. Pababayaan
ko sana siya kung anuman ang trip niya sa madaling-araw pero napansin ko ang isa
pang nilalang na papalapit sa kanya.
It's a man. Ethereal white in complexion that the skin looks like it's glowing from
within. Dressed in all white. Oppressive aura.
A death god!
Is he going to fetch the professor? Tonight?
Napahawak ako sa kwintas ko habang malakas ang bundol ng kaba sa dibdib. I didn't
know what exactly propelled me to ran towards Henry. All I know is that I can't let
him die. Not when I'm there to stop it.
Tumakbo ako at nang makalapit ay hinatak sa braso si Henry. Humarang ako sa kanila
ng kamatayan. Nakahawak pa rin ako sa kanya nang sumigaw ako habang nakapikit.
"You can't take him! Not tonight, dumb death god!" I blurted out.
I was shaking as I waited for the timing to open my eyes. Paglipas nang ilang
sandali, nagmulat ako at tumingala kay Henry. Nakakunot ang noo niya habang
nakatingin sa'kin.
Mabilis pa rin ang tibok ng puso ko. Mahigpit pa rin ang kapit ko sa braso niya.
"Are you awake right now? Are you alright?" nanginiginig na tanong ko. I looked for
injuries in his body but there was none.
Pagtingala ko uli, nagtama ang mata namin sa tanglaw ng mahinang ilaw sa porch.
"Hey..." mahinang sabi ko.
Hindi siya nagsasalita. He's looking intently at me and I couldn't look away.
The July wind breathed its cold breath but I didn't shiver. Henry is warm.
Nararamdaman ko ang init ng balat niya sa palad ko. Nararamdaman ko ang init ng
katawan niya sa katawan ko. He's so close to me that I froze.
Lalong nangunot ang noo niya nang makarinig kami nang mahihinang tunog.
"What is that?" he asked me.
Nakatanga ako. Hindi ko alam ang tinatanong niya. Ilang bagay lang ang naririnig
ko-hangin, crickets, heartbeat ko, heartbeat niya.
Humawak siya sa pulsuhan ko at nakiramdam.
"It's real," sabi niya.
"Ha? Ano? Alin?" tanong ko.
Nakiramdam kami sa katahimikan. The only odd thing I could observe was his
heartbeat getting louder.
Kinakabahan ba siya? Nakita kaya niya 'yung death god? Or did he, by chance, had an
intuition of his death?
Binitawan niya 'ko na parang napapaso at nag-iwas ng tingin.
"It's cold. What are you doing outside at this hour?" aniya nang maglagay ng
distansiya sa pagitan namin. He's back to being cold.
I saved you from a death god, dumb Professor. Ugh! You should be more friendly! I
wanted to tell him but I couldn't.
"Nauhaw kasi ako," sabi ko na lang.
"Let's go back inside. Malamig dito," aniya at naunang lumakad pabalik ng bahay.
Nagsasara na siya nang pinto na parang hindi ako nag-e-exist kaya nagpaalam na lang
ako.
"Prof., mauna na po ako sa kuwarto ko," sabi ko sa kanya.
"You should have done that moments ago."
Nangunot lang ang noo ko at tumalikod na.
"And Natalie..." tawag niya.
"Po?"
"Next time, do not touch me."
I was shocked.
I only did that to save you! Feelingero! Hindi kita gustong hawakan! Argh! Ang
hirap mong pakisamahan! Nakakainis ka!
Instead I told him, "Goodnight po."
He didn't even bother to reply back. #1020g/06112017

Chapter 03: Don'ts

TCWDM: Use #AfterDeathWP or #HelloDeath for hashtags. :3

***
A celestial object taken from the immaterial to the mortal world binds its owner
and its holder.
***
Sa mga sumunod na araw, marami akong don'ts na narinig sa Professor.
Don't stare no'ng hindi sinasadya na napatagal ng ilang segundo ang mata ko sa
cowlicks niya, nang pagbuksan niya 'ko ng gate. But it wasn't my fault that it was
sticking out his ears! Nakatikwas 'yun at kinukulit ang pansin ko. Nagpapahawi. It
makes him look younger and more carefree kung hindi lang ever present ang simangot
niya.
Don't knock no'ng katukin ko siya sa kuwarto niya dahil nagpadala ng pasta si
Doktora. Siyempre dahil maarte siya, hindi siya sumabay kumain sa'kin.
Don't look me in the eye no'ng magkasalubong kami sa porch at nahuli ko ang mata
niya.
Don't smile at me no'ng sabay kaming nagising nang maaga at mag-good morning ako.
Don't stand on the staircase no'ng may kukunin ako sa living room at natigilan ako
sa pagbaba sa hagdan dahil nando'n din siya.
Ang pinakamalala, sinabihan ako ng Don't think kahit nananahimik ako!
Don't think??? I have brains! Saan ko gagamitin ang utak ko kung hindi mag-isip?
Kulang na lang, pagbawalan niya 'kong huminga!
I don't know why he's hostile. Sigurado naman akong wala akong kasalanan sa kanya.
I'm silent like a mouse when I'm home. I take care of my food and laundry. I don't
even watch TV in the living room just to avoid him. Kahit 'yung duyan sa bakuran na
gustong-gusto ko, hindi ko tinatambayan. Hindi ko pinapakialaman ang mga gamit
niya. Hindi ko inuusisa ang mga ginagawa niya. I avoided him like the plague.
So, what did I do wrong to deserve his treatment?
He made me hate weekends. Weekends suck because I was stuck in the house with him.
I used to like weekends before in my old apartment. Mahaba ang oras ko na hindi
para sa academics. Pagkatapos ng 6-hour part time job ko sa coffee shop, I get to
do what I want kahit na iilan lang 'yun-magbasa ng libro, matulog, tumunganga.
Minsan, gumagala kami ni Eunice. It's not much of a life but it's a needed
breather. Dito sa bagong bahay, kahit na tatlong oras na 'kong gising, hindi ako
makalabas agad ng kuwarto ko.
Lagi akong nakikiramdam kung nasa'n si Prof. Henry. Kapag alam kong hindi ko
makikita kahit ang anino niya, saka pa lang ako makakakilos.
At ngayong araw, may movement sa ground floor. Footsteps. Kaluskos. Music. Hindi ko
alam kung may bisita bang dumating o senyales na ba 'to para bawiin ko ang deposit
ko. Kung may sobra lang akong pera, I would really love to leave the house.
Kailangan ko lang makita uli si Lolo Dimos para magpaalam at isumbong ang apo niya.

After another hour of obvious activities downstairs, hangry na 'ko. Yes. Angry and
hungry. Nagke-crave pa 'ko ng ginisang tinapa. I used to skip meals before. Pero
mula nang muntik na 'kong mamatay, ipinangako kong iingatan ko na ang sarili ko. I
will eat well. I will sleep and rest well. I will live.
The Professor is making it hard for me to keep my promise to myself.
Lumabas na 'ko ng kuwarto nang makaipon ng lakas ng loob. I was wearing soft pants
and a large shirt. Itinali ko sa pony tail ang mahabang buhok ko. It's a safe
choice of clothes just in case na may inaayawan din si Prof. sa damit. Ayokong
madagdagan niya ang don'ts niya sa'kin.
I was halfway down the stairs with my heart in my mouth when I saw a familiar
figure. For the first time in three weeks since I moved, I was ecstatic.
"Lolo Dimos!" sigaw ko at tumakbo pababa ng hagdan bago pa ito makalingon.
Malaki ang ngiti ni Lolo nang pumihit sa'kin. Muntik ko siyang yakapin pero
pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. Nakuntento na lang akong ngumiti nang malapad sa harap
niya.
"Kararating n'yo lang? Kumusta kayo? Saan kayo galing?" sunod-sunod na tanong ko.
"That's the energy. Finally, someone's happy to see me!" sabi nito.
Napasimangot ako. Don't tell me na pati kay Lolo Dimos, hostile si Prof. Henry.
That's very unacceptable.
"Mabuti at bumaba ka na. Kaluluto lang ni Henry ng pagkain. Kumain tayo nang
magkakasabay," dagdag pa ni Lolo.
So, nandito pa rin sa bahay si Prof. Akala ko, pwedeng magically ay nawala na lang
siyang bigla. Tipong nilamon ng lupa dahil sa hostility sa katawan, gano'n. I can
take it. I'll believe it. Actually, I want to see it.
"Breakfast is ready," sabi ng isang hostile voice sa likod ni Lolo.
Speak of the devil and the devil will appear. Exhibit A, evil Professor Henry.
Ayoko siyang tingnan dahil sa haba ng mental note ko. Remember, Natalie. Don't
stare. Don't look him in the eye. Don't touch him. Don't use your brain. You might
as well don't blink. Or to play it safe, don't breathe. Don't exist. Gano'n.
Pagsulyap ko kay Prof., he snickered. He. Freaking. Snickered. What the eff is
wrong with this guy?! He's supposed to be mature. He's a professor! Bakit
nakakaasar siya mula ulo hanggang paa?
Pagtalas ng mata ko sa kanya, nakatalikod na agad siya at lumakad papunta sa
kusina. Sumunod si Lolo sa kanya. Wala akong nagawa kundi sumunod din.
Hindi pa 'ko nakakaupo sa hapag, inatake na 'ko ng amoy ng pagkain. Sinangag na
may bawang. Kapeng barako. Itlog. Adobo. At ginisang tinapa! Mapapatawad ko ang
lahat ng inis ko kay Prof. ngayong umaga kung matiwasay akong makakakain ng
almusal.
"Let's eat," sabi ni Lolo na naupo sa kabisera ng pahabang mesa.
Umupo ako sa kanan ng kabisera. Katapat ko si Prof. Sandali kaming nagdasal. Dahil
nahiya naman akong maunang kumain, nang kunin ko ang bandehado ng sinangag, inabot
ko muna kay Lolo.
Lumalala ang gutom ko per second. Pero pagkakuha ni Lolo, inabot ko kay Prof. ang
sinangag.
Napatingin sa'kin si Prof. Sa mata ko. Hindi ako umiwas ng tingin. Nginitian ko pa
siya. Tingnan lang natin kung masabihan niya 'ko ng don'ts sa harap ni Lolo Dimos.
Hah!
"I can serve myself," sabi niya.
Wow.
Pinilit kong ngumiti. "I can serve you, still."
Kinuha niya ang bandehado sa kamay ko pero sa halip na sa plato niya, sa plato ko
siya naglagay ng serving.
"Eat when you're hungry. No one's going to judge if you serve yourself first. I can
hear your stomach from the second floor," sabi niya.
Itinikom ko ang bibig ko bago may lumabas na bad words.
"You can try saying that more gently, Henry. Baka matakot sa'yo si Natalie," singit
ni Lolo Dimos na nagsisimula nang sumubo.
Ang sarap sanang itama ni Lolo. Hindi lang takot ang nararamdaman ko kay Prof.
Inis. Loathing. Kadiliman. Gusto kong bumili ng manika, kumuha ng buhok ni Prof. at
magritwal bago 'yun tusok-tusukin.
Tumungo si Prof. sa pagkain kaysa sagutin si Lolo.
"Kumusta naman kayo rito, Natalie?" baling ni Lolo Dimos sa'kin. "Komportable ka
ba sa kuwarto mo?"
Walang reaksyon si Prof. sa pagtatanong sa'kin.
Tumikhim ako. "Okay naman po, Lolo."
"You're not okay," singit ni Prof. at nagsumbong. "Hindi niya kinakain ang almusal
at hapunan na niluluto ko. She spoils food."
I felt so wronged. Pwede ko siyang isinumbong pero hindi ko ginawa. I was trying to
be civil and modest. But this dumb professor... ugh!
"Why?" tanong ni Lolo na sa'kin pa rin nakatingin.
Nilunok ko ang nginunguya ko. "Hindi po kasi ako sinasabayan kumain ni Prof."
"How's that relevant to eating the food I make you?" diretsang tanong sa'kin ni
evil Henry.
"It makes me feel uneasy," diretsang sagot ko.
"I cooked for you for weeks. Without fail. Why would you feel uneasy?"
Magkatinginan na kami. Mata sa mata. Pero kahit gano'n, sumusubo pa rin ako 'pag
may chance. Hangry wins.
"You don't talk to me," sabi ko. "When you do talk to me, it's always to say
something mean. How am I going to feel welcome?"
"It's not my fault that you have a particular preference to feel welcomed."
"Lolo Dimos is hospitable."
"He's not the one cooking your food."
"He's not mean."
"He's not the one waiting for you to go home just to open the gates for you."
"You make me feel stup-"
"You're stupid."
Natigilan ako. Nakatingin lang sa'kin si evil Henry, his caramel eyes calm. Parang
wala lang sa kanya ang magbato ng insulto sa iba.
"Say that again!" hamon ko.
"You're stupid."
Sumimangot ako at bumaling kay Lolo. "Lolo, oh!"
Pero tumatawa lang si Lolo Dimos at patuloy sa pagkain. Parang na-enjoy niya pa ang
mga napanood niya. Now, I feel really stupid!
Uminit ang pisngi at tainga ko. Padabog akong tumayo para mag-walk out kaso
nahihiya ako kay Lolo. Pero si evil Henry...
"Sit down. You're still hungry," sabi niya.
Nanalas ang mata ko, kuyom ang kamao. I was so angry and frustrated that I was
close to tearing up. Lalo akong mapapahiya kapag naiyak ako sa harap niya.
"I'm sorry po, Lolo," sabi ko at mabilis na nagmartsa pabalik sa kuwarto ko.
Ibinagsak ko ang pinto at nag-dive sa kama ko. Tumama pa ang siko ko sa bedside
table. Sakto pagsubsob ng mukha ko sa unan, may bagay na bumagsak at nabasag sa
batok ko.
Napaupo ako sa kama. It was a swan figurine that broke. Regalo sa'kin 'yun ni
Sister Poly no'ng first year college pa lang ako. May dugo sa ilang piraso ng
bubog.
Sinapo ko ang batok ko. I was certain I would touch blood but there was none.
Paulit-ulit akong sumapo para mag-check. I even picked one of the broken pieces of
the figurine just to look at my blood up close. Pero nawawala talaga ang dapat na
sugat ko.
Tumayo ako at sinipat sa salamin sa tokador ang sarili kong batok. There wasn't any
injury.
I was weirded out. Napahawak ako sa silver feather sa kuwintas ko.
It's not possible for you to die.
Ito na ba ang kahulugan ng sinabi ng long-haired death god na 'yun? It's not
possible for me to die dahil hindi rin ako posibleng magka-injury? I should find
him later in the afternoon. Maybe he could tell me things again.
Iniligpit ko ang nabasag na figurine at nahiga sa kama. Itutulog ko muna ang inis
ko.
***
Magtatanghalian na nang magising ako. Pakiramdam ko, butas na ang tiyan ko sa
gutom. Sumasama na naman tuloy ang loob ko. Nag-walk out ako ng agahan kaya awkward
ang biglang lumabas lang ng kuwarto at makipagkuwentuhan kay Lolo Dimos. Kahit na
evil si evil Henry, ako pa rin ang nag-walk out. I caused the awkwardness.
Pero nagugutom na talaga 'ko.
Namomroblema ako sa pagkain nang may kumatok sa pinto. Hindi ako agad nakakilos.
"Natalie?" tawag ni Lolo Dimos. "Are you still sleeping?"
Hindi ako makasagot.
"I'm sorry for Henry's behavior. He's just not used to communicating with people
around him," malumanay na sabi nito. "He says what he thinks without filters. But
he means no harm."
Natahimik sandali sa labas. Akala ko, wala na si Lolo pero nagsalita uli siya.
"May tray ng pagkain dito sa labas ng kuwarto mo. Dinala 'to ni Henry kaninang
tulog ka. Kumain ka, anak. Tanghalian na. Alam naming gutom ka. If you need more,
feel free to go down the kitchen. Lalabas ako sandali. Nasa bakuran si Henry kung
naiilang ka sa kanya."
Nakarinig ako ng mga footsteps na papalayo pagkatapos.
I counted to ten before opening the door. Totoo ngang may tray ng pagkain pang-
tanghalian. Natuwa rin ako kasi may platito pa ng ginisang tinapa.
I took the tray inside my room and saw a note under one of the plates. Napasimangot
ako nang mabasa ko, Don't walk out, pero ang karugtong ay when you're still hungry.
Ang weird talaga ni Prof. Hindi man lang apology sa pagtawag niya sa'king stupid
ang note niya.
I ate with gusto and burped happily. Nabawasan na ang sama ng loob ko nang mabusog
ako. I was contemplating whether to bring the plates to the kitchen by myself or
just let it rot in my room, pero dahil busog ako, may lakas ng loob akong lumabas
ng kuwarto. Kahit papa'no naman, ipinagluto pa rin ako ng tanghalian ng evil
professor. May note din siya kahit na 'dont' na naman. Iisipin ko na lang na kinder
level siya sa communication at apology.
I went down the stairs. Nagulat ako nang madatnan si Prof. na nakaupo sa living
room. He was very still that I would likely miss him if not for his overflowing
authority. Siya 'yung klase na hindi kailangang gumalaw ni magsalita para mapansin
na nag-e-exist. He naturally catches eyes. Dapat isisi 'yun sa mukha niya at sa
proportion niya. Why the eff does he look so good?
Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa'kin, bago sa tray na hawak ko.
"You ate everything," simpleng sabi niya.
"I was hungry."
"I know."
Lumampas ako sa kanya at dinala sa kusina ang pinagkainan ko. Naghugas ako ng
plato. Nagtuyo. Tumunganga para magpalipas ng oras dahil ayokong daanan uli siya sa
sala.
But I couldn't waste the day waiting for him to move out of the couch. Sinilip ko
siya mula sa kusina. Nakaupo pa rin siya patagilid sa'kin, nagbabasa ng libro. His
legs were firmly planted on the floor. He looked relaxed. In short, mukhang
magtatagal pa siya ro'n.
I was going crazy with his eerie calmness when I notice a gauze pad on his nape.
May injury siya? Napa'no siya? May nangyari no'ng nag-walk out ako o habang tulog
ako?
Nakalapit na 'ko bago ko napigilan ang sarili ko.
"May injury ka, Prof.? Are you okay?" tanong ko.
Nagtaas siya ng mata sa'kin. Sumeryoso. "I'm okay."
It's nothing serious, right?
Nakatitig ako. Nakalimutan kong bawal.
Kumunot ang noo niya sa'kin. "What else? Do you still need anything?"
Hostile na naman ba siya?
Nakuyom ko ang kamao ko. Kailangan ko sigurong itanong nang diretso sa kanya ang
iniisip ko para hindi ako laging nanunulay sa lubid.
"Bakit parang lagi kang galit sa'kin? Do you hate me?"
Napamaang siya sa'kin. As if I asked-
"You're really stupid," sabi niya. Matter-of-factly.
"That's really offensive! Alam mo ba kung ilang ulit mo nang sinabi 'yang stupid-
stupid na 'yan?" asar na tanong ko.
"Of course I know. Thrice in your face, five or more in your back," sabi niya.
Wala talaga akong masabi sa communication skills niya. He's hopeless. And he's a
professor? Sa lagay niyang 'yan? Pa'no siya magturo sa mga estudyante niya kung
gano'n?
"Fine! I'll just ask again. Why do you hate me?" ulit ko, nakahanda nang mainis.
Tumitig siya sa'kin, his caramel eyes magnetizing me. Every second felt longer than
usual. I was caught in a trap when he slowly, slowly smiled a gentle smile at me. I
was thrown unguarded in a world of oblivion.
"I'm sorry if it seems like I'm always scolding you. I don't hate you, Natalie. Not
at all," he said.
"But..." my voice was weak. Wala talaga akong sasabihin. I'm just attempting to say
something to recover from the assault of his smile.
Pormal na uli ang mukha niya pero recovering pa rin ako. "I'll eat with you from
now on," he said. "Just refrain from staring too much."
Is he even aware that he's got a face made for staring? Should I tell him not to
smile, too?
"Eat the food I make for you from now on."
Tumango ako. Ibinalik naman niya ang mata niya sa binabasang libro.
I returned to my room and spaced out the whole afternoon. There must be something
wrong with me. I was cursing at him for being too harsh. Yet, I was still uneasy
when he's gentle. #522ma/06142017

Chapter 04: A starlit night

A desperate prayer powers a miracle.

***
Eksaktong alas siete ng umaga nang may kumatok sa kuwarto ko. Two knocks. Silent
movements. Malalim na boses paglipas ng ilang segundo.
"Come down, Natalie."
Si Prof.
I heard light footsteps walking away. Hindi man lang ako hinintay sumagot, like
always.
Nanalamin pa muna uli ako. I think I look friendly enough in my denim jeans and
soft blouse. Bitbit ko na ang shoulder bag ko nang lumabas.
Bibisita ako sa isa sa mga orphanages na ni-refer nina Sister Millie at Sister
Janet. Gusto kong mag-service sa mga batang gaya ko ang kinalakihan, basta in line
sa Psychology course ko. Kung hindi nga lang malayo ang Quezon kung saan ako
lumaki, gusto ko sana do'n. But it's not possible since I have internship with
Doctor Jill and I still have to graduate.
Reading the messages of the death god I talked to but couldn't remember triggered a
lot of things inside me. I was always giving up on life before actually living it.
I haven't done anything remarkable yet. I haven't been really involved nor invested
in someone or something. Yet, I blamed life for not offering me anything when it is
me who's supposed to offer something to life.
Maybe that's why the dumb death god in my phone always call me stupid.
So, I made plans to discover not what life can offer me but what I can offer to
life. Giving time for children who has the same background as me is one of the
things I think I can do. I want to listen to them and to know them. I want to help
them become better adults than me.
Nag-good morning ako kay Prof. Henry at Lolo Dimos nang bumungad sa kumedor. Si
Lolo lang ang bumati pabalik.
"May lakad ka ngayon?" tanong ni Lolo sa'kin habang kumakain kami.
"Opo, Lolo. May pupuntahan po akong ampunan," sabi ko.
Napasulyap ako kay Prof. Henry na tahimik na kumakain. He's consistently quiet.
Mula kagabi ay magkasalo kami sa hapag pero dalawa lang kami ni Lolo na nag-uusap.
Even when I apologized to both of them for walking out, he didn't say a word. I
wonder what he's thinking about.
"Gagabihin ka ba? May pasok ka yata bukas," sabi ni Lolo.
"Hindi po ako magpapagabi. Maaga po ako kailangan ni Doktora bukas," sabi ko.
Actually, hanggang pagkatapos lang naman ng tanghalian ang visiting hours ko sa
ampunan. Pero susubukan kong abangan sa hapon sa park 'yung death god na nakausap
ko para itanong ang tungkol sa feather. Base sa sinabi niya sa'kin, parang okay
lang naman na kausapin ko siya at tanungin basta hindi magtatagal.
"Mabuti kung gano'n. Hindi ka dapat masyadong nagpapagabi. Delikado ang panahon.
Sabi ni Henry ay madalas kang malalim na ang gabi kung umuwi."
Napasulyap uli ako kay Prof. bago kay Lolo. "Hindi na po. Nagpapagabi lang naman po
ako dati kasi kumakain ako sa labas bago umuwi."
Tumango-tango si Lolo bago magtanong uli. "Ang allowance mo? Napagkakasya mo
naman?"
"May pambayad pa naman po ako sa upa," maingat kong sagot. "Matipid po ako at may
ipon."
Mahinang tumawa si Lolo. He gestured with his hand to dismiss my explanation.
"Graduating ka, anak. Iyon ang inaalala ko."
Nahihiya akong ngumiti bago magpatuloy sa pagkain.
Sa totoo lang, masakit sa bulsa ang mailang kay Prof. Kahit sa karinderya ako
kumakain no'ng mga nakaraan at nakakalibre kapag may pa-merienda at pa-hapunan si
Doktora, seryosong damage pa rin 'yung bawas sa pera ko. Suwerte na lang na mura
ang upa kay Lolo at may allowance ang internship kay Doktora.
Natapos ang almusal na walang sinabi si Prof. Nagsusuot na ako ng apron para sana
maghugas ng pinagkainan nang tumingin siya sa'kin.
"Ako na'ng bahala sa kusina," sabi niya. "Go on your way. Don't be late for
dinner."
Napatango ako sa kanya sabay hubad ng apron. Maikli siya magsalita pero mahirap
suwayin.
Lumapit pa siya sa'kin at nag-abot ng isang nakaplastik na bagay.
"Lunch."
I stared at the food container in my hand.
"It's sandwich and salad," sabi pa niya. "Para hindi ka na bumili sa labas."
Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa nakaplastik na pagkain. It's been too long since someone
packed food for me. The heck, nagiging emotional yata ako sa pagkain.
"Thank you, Prof."
"Go on."
Tumango ako bago lumakad. Malapit na 'ko sa arko ng kumedor nang may maisip akong
itanong, "Kumakain ka ng donuts, Prof.?"
"Don't buy me anything. Save your money," dismissive na sabi niya. Nasa sink na
siya.
Umingos ako. Tss. Masungit pa rin.
Nagpaalam ako kay Lolo Dimos na nasa sala bago tuluyang umalis.
***
Mas maiksi kaysa sa inaasahan ang pagbisita ko sa ampunan. Busy sila dahil sa
schedule ng interviews para sa mga gustong mag-ampon. Inabutan kong nagpapa-picture
ang ilang mga bata sa mahalamang parte ng institusyon. They were awkward children
giving their best smile at the camera.
Naalala ko ang sarili ko sa kanila dati. I wore my best clothes and smiled
earnestly, hoping for a way out. Elementary pa lang, iba na ang tingin sa'kin dahil
sa ampunan ako lumaki. Some pitied me. Some hated me. But most of them, wanted
nothing to do with me. They asked about me sometimes. Kasi, nature ng tao ang ma-
curious sa mga bagay na kakaiba. When I was young, I was the girl with a defect. I
was an entertainment. I was a curiosity.
Bakit sa ampunan ka nakatira?
Nasa'n ang nanay mo?
Bakit hindi ka inaampon?
Sinong nagpapaaral sa'yo?
Pa'no ka mag-aaral sa susunod?
Nang nasa high school na 'ko, I often wondered why I was left at the orphanage
while the others got adopted. Nalaman ko na lang isang araw na sa tuwing may
gustong umampon sa'kin, umaatras kapag nalaman ng mga ito na buhay pa ang Mama ko.
Disadvantage maging anak ng isang puta na may sakit na AIDS. Mas disadvantage dahil
maganda ako. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. Pa'no kung maging
pakawala rin ako?
They couldn't and wouldn't take a chance.
Nagtapos ako ng high school sa pera nina Sister Millie, Sister Janet, at Father
Dan. Sila ang tumayong magulang ko at ng iba pang mga batang naiwan sa ampunan. My
mother died, then. Sa naging ipon ko sa pagtatrabaho sa isang panaderya, nagawa
kong mag-college. I also applied for a scholarship from CHED. Na-grant ako dahil sa
background ko. For the first time, being orphaned by someone like my mother
benefited me.
At ngayong araw, nakita ko uli na maraming katulad ko. Children who smile their
best smiles. Children who will be set aside by society. Children who will not be
adopted. Children who will have to face life alone.
They will pray for someone to come for them. Someone who will be a guardian
dedicated to them; someone who will watch over them and cheer them on. Gaya ng mga
dasal ko noon.
It's possible that no one will come. I want to at least be there for them to lessen
the disappointment.
Bandang ala una ng hapon, nakaupo na 'ko sa isang malilim na bench sa parke at
kumakain ng lunch. Every fifteen minutes akong lumilinga para tsambahan kung nasa
paligid na 'yung death god na may mahabang buhok.
He's nowhere.
Lumipat ako ng bench nang maabot na ng init ng araw ang inuupuan ko. Nagbasa ako ng
librong pinahiram sa'kin ni Doktora. I plan to prepare for my thesis early.
Bandang alas kuwatro, may mga bata nang dinadala sa park para maglaro. May kasamang
mga yaya. Umingay nang kaunti.
May ilang mga anino ng kamatayan sa paligid na mas malamang na para sa mga yaya. Sa
ilang buwan na nasa akin ang balahibo, napansin kong bihirang sundan ng anino ang
mga bata. Kahit iyong batang may trauma na naging pasyente ni Doktora noong
nakaraang buwan, walang kain ng anino sa katawan.
"It's because children are given the privilege to defy death. Their angels will
always find ways to save them. Those angels are so bright that you won't able to
see the shadows of death gods like me, even if we follow children around."
Nanigas ako sa boses na narinig ko. I closed my eyes, held the feather in my
necklace, and whispered the magic word to calm me down. Saka pa lang ako napabaling
sa kanan ko.
"You're here," sabi ko at ngumiti.
"You look excited to see me. You're going to ask questions," sabi niya.
Naupo siya sa kabilang dulo ng bench na kinauupuan ako.
"I have a lot to ask."
"I can tell," sabi niya at ngumiti.
Tumingala uli siya sa yabong ng puno na nagbibigay ng lilim sa amin. Humangin.
Pumikit siya. I did the same.
"Ano'ng pangalan mo?" I asked him after.
"Kyros."
Tumango ako. "Hindi ako pwedeng makipag-usap nang matagal sa'yo?"
"No. Manghihina ka. You can't afford to be weak."
Huminga ako nang malalim. Naalala ko na naman 'yung nawawala kong sugat.
"What you said the last time has been bothering me. You said that it's not possible
for me to die. Kahapon, nasugatan ako but it disappeared. Dito dapat 'yun," sabi ko
sa kanya at ikiniling sa gawi niya ang batok ko kung nasaan dapat ang sugat. "What
does it mean?"
"You're right in your assumption. It's not possible for you to die because all your
injuries and illnesses won't manifest on you. It will be suffered by the death god
who owns that feather you're wearing."
"Will... that death god be alright? I mean, madali namang nagagamot ang sugat sa...
what do you call it? Sa kung nasa'n kayo?"
Ngumiti siya. "I wonder."
"Tell me. Madali lang nagagamot ang sugat n'yo, 'di ba? You are death gods. You're
invincible, right?"
"Death gods as celestial beings cannot be harmed. Unless we let mortals like you
borrow our abilities. It complicates our position. That feather you are wearing
gives you the ability to see the world with the death gods on it. Tell me what you
see."
"Uh... there are shadows everywhere. Some are darker than others. Minsan, may
shadow sa mismong balat ng isang tao. At minsan, nakikita ko mismo ang mga death
gods na gaya mo," sabi ko sa kanya.
"Do you know what that means?" he asked.
Umiling ako.
"There are four types of death for a human being-untimely, accidental, karmic, and
violent. Kung nakikita mo ang mga gaya ko, that is indication that the feather you
are wearing comes from a death god that is also in charge of karmic death."
"Death god ka rin for karmic death?!" napalakas na tanong ko habang nakabaling sa
kanya.
Tumingala lang uli si Kyros sa puno. "Watch over your excitement. You're the only
one who can see me. Sa mata ng ibang tao, nakikipag-usap ka sa hangin."
Tumuwid ako ng upo at tumungo. Oo nga pala. Baka magmukha akong baliw sa paningin
ng iba.
Hindi ako nag-angat ng mukha kahit nang magtanong uli ako.
"Ano'ng ibig sabihin no'ng mga anino na nakikita ko?"
"Those shadows are also death gods. You can't see them clearly because they're in
charge of other types of death."
"Kahit 'yung mga anino na nasa balat ng tao?"
"Those are indicators of self-abuse. Untimely death comes for people committing
themselves to different kinds of suicide-substance abuse, self-harm, sleep
deprivation, overworking, and the like. Violent death binds to people tolerating
malicious intentions and substance abuse. They both appear as shadows in the
flesh."
Napabuntonghininga ako sa sinabi niya. So, that what it means.
"You're time with me is running out, human," he said. Tumayo siya at huminga nang
malalim.
"Wait. Hindi mo pa sinasagot 'yung tanong ko!" pigil ko kay Kyros. Muntik pa 'kong
mapatayo.
Luminga ako sa paligid para masiguro na walang nakakita sa'kin. Baka mapagkamalan
na talaga akong baliw.
"Quickly," sabi niya.
"Hindi mo pa sinasagot kasi... magiging okay lang ba 'yung death god na may-ari ng
feather na kinuha ko? He's invincible, right? He'll be alright?" paniniguro ko.
He smiled a knowing smile. "I don't know exactly. It's already a mystery that you
were able to grab a feather from his wings. Our wings cannot be seen nor touched by
a human soul. I wonder what it is exactly that you wish for in your death that made
it possible for you to take something so precious."
Napaawang ang labi ko. Ano'ng sinasabi niya? Na ni hindi ko dapat nakita o
nahawakan ang pakpak ng isang death god?
"You're not seeing my wings, right?" ani pa niya.
It's true. I'm not seeing his wings. So, how did I grab a feather from a death god?
"Since you grab that without permission, I'm sure the death god who owns that will
find a way to take it back from you. Tell me when you see him," sabi niya at
nagsimula nang maglakad palayo.
"Wait! Are you telling me that that death god will come for me?!" habol ko.
"Of course," huling sagot niya bago nawala sa hangin.
***
I was in time for dinner that night. Maaga raw natulog si Lolo Dimos kaya kaming
dalawa lang ni Prof. ang nagharap sa pagkain. Nakakabingi ang pagbabanggaan ng
kutsara at tinidor namin.
Sumusulyap ako kay Prof. minsan pero hanggang do'n lang. He made no effort to talk
to me. He didn't ask for my day. I couldn't ask anything about his, too.
Nang maghuhugas na ng plato, inunahan ko na siya.
"As thanks for the lunch po. Hindi ko pa naman po kailangang matulog," sabi ko sa
kanya.
Tumango siya at lumabas ng kumedor.
Pagkatapos kong maghugas ng plato, dumiretso na 'ko sa kuwarto ko. It was still
early but the house was quiet. I was contemplating whether to read or to watch the
television when I accidentally looked up at the sky from my window.
Walang buwan pero clear ang langit. Tadtad ng bituin. At walang tao sa bakuran.
I couldn't remember the last time I've seen such a beautiful, starlit sky. It's my
chance to look up at one.
Isinara ko ang bintana ko at lumabas.
I was grinning when I sat at the swinging bench. Matagal ko nang gustong maupo ro'n
pero naaalangan ako kapag nagga-gardening si Prof. o kapag nasa malapit siya. But
it will change now since I know he doesn't hate me. Talagang oppressive lang 'yung
aura niya. Mas malala pa kasi tahimik talaga siya.
In a short while, I was naming the constellations in the sky.
Umihip ang malamig na hangin at napayakap ako sa sarili ko.
"It's cold," sabi ng isang malalim na boses.
Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko at napapikit ako. Kumapit ako sa kuwintas ko at
bumulong, kasabay ng pagsaklob ng mainit na bagay sa katawan ko.
Puting jacket.
I raised my eyes to Prof. Henry.
Pa'no siya nakalapit nang hindi ko namamalayan?
"Beautiful sky," sabi niya at tumingala sa langit.
Lumunok ako. Napatigil sa pag-swing.
Ibinaba niya sa tagiliran ko ang isang maliit na karton ng gatas. Nakatusok na ang
straw.
"Drink up," he said.
Tumikhim ako. "Kayo po?"
"I'm okay."
Umihip uli ang hangin. Hindi ko na ramdam ang lamig. I grabbed the milk and sipped.
I was waiting for him to leave but he stayed looking up at the stars. Siya naman
ang pinanood ko.
He was always in white. He was wearing white tonight, too. Hindi ko pa siya
nakitang nagsuot ng ibang kulay ng damit. Ayon sa mga certificate sa bahay,
Humanities ang itinuturo niya sa university. Kung Theology, mas understandable
'yung color preference.
Nagkibit-balikat ako. He looks good in white, anyway.
Nang lumipas pa ang ilang minuto na nakatingala pa rin siya, hindi na 'ko nakatiis.
"Gusto n'yong umupo, Prof.?" I asked him. Umisod ako sa dulo ng bench para bigyan
siya ng pwesto.
He looked at me for a while before sitting.
Tsk. Hindi ko naman siya hahawakan kahit na maupo siya sa tabi ko. Feelingero.
Pero sakto pag-upo niya, naalala ko nang hawakan ko siya. Something's weird about
it. I clearly saw a death god walking up to him. Hindi ko sigurado kung gising siya
no'n o ano. Basta naisip ko no'n na kailangan ko siyang iligtas.
I definitely held his arms that night. Matagal kaming magkadikit. Kaya bakit wala
akong nakitang kahit na ano nang hawakan ko siya? I was supposed to see his demise.
"I'm going inside," sabi ni Prof. at tumayo.
"Sandali lang!" pigil ko at hinawakan siya sa kamay.
Kumunot ang noo niya sa'kin. "I told you-"
"Sandali lang, Prof.," putol ko. Dalawang kamay ko na ang inihawak ko sa kamay
niya. Pumikit pa 'ko. I wasn't seeing anything.
Tumingala ako sa kanya.
"Why..." I whispered. I couldn't ask him.
We held eyes for a long time.
"Let go of me, Natalie," sabi niya.
Nagbuga ako ng hangin kahit nahihirapan akong huminga.
Wala akong maisip na dahilan kung bakit wala akong makita sa kanya. Maybe... just
maybe.... he's all better now? Hindi na siya hahabulin ng mga death gods?
Napangiti ako. I don't know why I am so happy. Binitawan ko ang kamay niya.
"Sorry po, Prof. I... I mean... nahilo po kasi ako kaya napahawak ako sa kamay
n'yo."
Nagbuga siya ng hangin. "Don't stay here too long. It's cold."
"Uh... ano... papasok na talaga kayo sa loob, Prof.? Can't you stay for a while?
Hindi ko na kayo hahawakan," sabi ko.
Kunot na naman ang noo niya sa'kin.
"I'll really behave. You don't even have to talk to me, Prof.," sabi ko.
He sighed. Akala ko, tatalikod na siya para pumasok sa loob ng bahay. Pero namulsa
lang siya at bumalik sa pagkakaupo.
Malapad akong ngumiti at sumulyap sa kanya.
"Look up," sabi niya, as if nakikita niya 'kong nakatingin.
I did as I was told. I looked up at the starlit sky and sighed.
Lumipas ang oras na nakatingala lang kami pareho sa langit na puno ng bituin.
Walang-imikan habang mahinang umiihip ang malamig na hangin.
It was a beautiful night. #418u/06172017

Chapter 05: Premonition

A death god's eyes see not just death but sins.

***
The good weather lasted for a few more days. Parang hindi rainy season ang naging
init ng araw. Sa umaga, umaalis akong busog sa almusal na luto ni Prof. Umuuwi ako
sa hapunan. He also makes me packed lunch. Hindi ko mahindian kasi one-word lang
niya ibigay: Lunch. Saka, sayang din 'yung matitipid ko. I still have to save for
my thesis, upcoming conventions (graduation requirement), and allowance for when I
apply for work.
Mas madalas na 'kong umuupo sa swinging bench bago matulog. Minsan, kapag malamig,
nauupo rin si Prof. do'n kasama ko. We don't really talk but it's okay. Hindi na
gano'n ka-awkward sa'kin 'yung silence. He may be bad in communicating but he's a
good person. Hindi na nga niya binawi 'yung jacket na pinahiram niya sa'kin. Baka
napansin niyang iisa lang ang jacket ko, manipis pa.
Slow hours naman kami sa clinic. Madalas nasa conventions si Doktora at sa hapon,
isa o dalawang pasyente lang ang naka-schedule for consultation. Most of the time
ay nagke-case study kami ni Miss Vanessa. They let me read files of previous
patients for my thesis.
My life was mundane and I like it. Halos nakakalimutan kong nagbago ako at ang
nakikita ko sa mundo pagmulat ko. But there were still shadows everywhere. There
were death gods who recognized that I could see them. Mas lalo akong umiiwas sa
public transportation sa worry na makakita ng kamatayan na hindi ko naman gustong
masilip.
I was also waiting for the death god (that I couldn't remember) to take his feather
from me, but he wouldn't come. Kahit gusto kong magtipid, bumili ako ng supplements
para sa immunity system ko. Maingat din ako sa injuries. I don't want to get sick
nor get injured, especially because I'm not the one who's going to suffer. Mukhang
masungit siya ayon sa text messages niya sa'kin. Ayokong sungitan ako kapag binawi
na niya 'yung feather niya.
Si Kyros naman, ilang araw nang absent sa park. Hindi ko tuloy maitanong 'yung
ibang gusto ko pang malaman.
I was almost getting used to my mundane activities when I saw Mary Ann and the
death god again. Nagkaroon ng schedule ng consultation every Tuesday at Thursday si
Katherine, younger sibling ni Mary Ann. She was suffering from eating disorder and
non-suicidal self-injury disorder.
I wish I didn't see it but I did. 'Yung death god na nakasunod kay Mary Ann, mas
malapit na. After two Tuesdays, halos nasa likod na lang niya 'yung death god.
I don't want anything to do with it but...
"Gusto n'yo po ng coffee?" tanong ko kay Mary Ann.
She was sitting in front of my desk. Nasa session pa si Katherine. Wala naman si
Miss Vanessa.
Ngumiti lang siya sa'kin. Non-committally.
"She's having an anxiety attack, right now. Do you want to kill her right away?"
sabad ng death god na nakatayo sa likod niya. His grey eyes coldly staring at me.
Napatingin ako uli kay Mary Ann. Kalmado ang mukha niya pero mahigpit na nakakuyom
ang kamao sa ibabaw ng hita niya. Tuwid na tuwid din siya sa pagkakaupo. I could
see how she was shaking a little.
I reminded myself not to raise my eyes to the death god. Lalo na ang sumagot.
"Tea na lang kaya?" alok ko uli.
Naunang sumagot ang death god pero naputol. "It has caffeine-"
"I'm sort of not into caffeine. Tea has caffeine, too," sagot ni Mary Ann. "Cold
water na lang, if it's okay."
Tumayo ako papunta sa mini-kitchen namin. I stayed there for a while para mabigyan
siya ng chance na kalmahin ang sarili niya nang hindi ako inaalala. It's so odd.
She was inside a psychiatric clinic. She should have known that it was okay to be
seen suffering from any form of anxiety. Yet, she chose to suffer secretly.
Mabagal pati ang paglalagay ko ng yelo sa matangkad na baso ng tubig at ang
paglalabas niyon.
"Here," sabi ko at iniabot ang hawak ko kay Mary Ann.
Wrong move. Dahil nang abutin niya ang baso, nagdikit ang mga daliri namin.
I heard the judgment she had been hearing.
"You're no good."
"She thinks she's great because of her grades?"
"I'd really love to see that girl fall."
"Graduation na. Thank God, I won't see her again. She's a pain."
"Good riddance."
"She's no good."
"She tried so hard to belong because she knew she's weird."
"You're frigid. How do you expect me to continue wanting you?"
"Fake goody two shoes."
Then I saw her.
"Look after your sister, Em. You're the dependable one. Take her to some shrink or
whatever."
A door was closing. Ilang sandaling puro ang kadiliman bago maaninaw ang loob ng
silid. Ang malaking painting ng The Scream ni Edward Munch ang nasa dingding. It
looked oddly relieving.
Mary Ann was sitting on her bed. She calmly folded the long sleeves of her blouse,
revealing her white skin. With a cutter, she made two straight cuts in her arms.
Dagdag sa iba pang linya na naroon. Blood oozed from the slit. Gumapang ang dugo sa
braso niya, sa siko, hanggang sa dulo ng mga daliri. She didn't even wince.
She sighed of relief.
The death god watched her by her window.
The scene shifted.
A man was agitated in front of her.
"Alam mong hindi kita kayang panagutan! Hindi pa 'ko graduate, Em. Ano'ng gagawin
ko diyan? Sa'yo? Hindi kita kayang buhayin. Papatayin ako ng Papa mo."
She couldn't say a word but thoughts were running inside her head.
'Pa'no ako? Pa'no ko bubuhayin mag-isa ang sarili ko? Pa'no 'tong baby? Hindi naman
ako lang ang may gusto nito, ha?'
'You lied to me, didn't you? You don't think about me at all.'
'You're just a liar.'
She didn't cry. She calmly held the man's arm as if consoling him and said, "I'll
take care of this."
It was followed by a bloody scene.
She was lying in the bathroom floor, bleeding between her legs.
'I should just die.'
The death god watched her inside the room.
And then, I saw her death.
'Just one little cut. One little cut and I won't feel conflicted. I will be
alright.'
Mary Ann was sitting on her bed, her long sleeves folded up her arms. She was
holding a cutter. The death god was standing beside her.
'I'll be okay. I'll be okay.'
She made a cut in her arms-vertically.
The death god stepped in front of her.
She bled and collapsed on her bed.
Bumagsak ang baso sa sahig at nabasag.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
I blinked and looked at the death god behind her. His steel-grey eyes piercing.
"You don't look good, human," sabi nito.
Tumungo ako sa mga piraso ng bubog sa sahig at yumuko para damputin ang mga iyon.
"Tulungan na-"
I cut Mary Ann before she even had the chance to pick up a shard. "Ako na!"
Natigilan siya. Napatingin sa'kin.
"Baka masugatan ka..." mahinang sabi ko habang nakatingin sa kanya.
Bumaba ang mata niya sa pulsuhan kong may marka ng hiwa. Her eyes softened before
looking away.
Mabilis akong tumayo at kumuha ng dust pan. Pagbalik ko ay dinampot ko ang mga
piraso ng bubog at inilagay roon. I swept and dried the floor. Pagkatapos ay kumuha
ako ng panibagong baso ng tubig at inilapag iyon sa desk ko.
"Thanks," she said softly.
Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko.
I tried to kill myself before. But from what I've seen of her death, she didn't
intend to die. She just wanted to cut. Magkaiba iyon. There were people who
intentionally harm themselves to die and there were some who just wanted to be
relieved of whatever turmoil they were having inside them. Non-suicidal self-
harming is different from suicidal self-harming. Suicidal self-harming happens when
it's no use to hurt oneself anymore; when hurting oneself doesn't suffice to
suppress all the emotions. Mary Ann was way past her relief.
Napagsalikop ko ang mga kamay ko at napatungo. I should say something to her. I
tried to die before but I found a reason to live now. I should try saying
something.
"She's fated to die, human. Don't meddle," sabi ng death god. "That is the death I
designed for her."
Siguro nga. She's with a death god of karmic death. She must have something she has
to pay for... gaya ng mga nakita ko. But still, are all those reasons enough for me
to sit still?
I was trying to find something to say when we heard the office door opening.
Narinig din namin ang boses nina Doktora at Katherine. Napatayo si Mary Ann para
sumalubong sa kapatid.
Sandaling nag-usap si Doktora at si Mary Ann. Pagkatapos no'n, hindi na 'ko
nakasingit. Nagpaalam nang umalis ang magkapatid.
"Are you alright, Natalie?" tanong ni Doktora sa'kin.
Naguguluhan akong napatingin sa kanya. "Po?"
Ngumiti si Doktora. I realized that I was clutching on my necklace again.
"I'm okay po," sabi ko at pilit ngumiti.
***
May araw pa ay nasa bahay na 'ko. Ngumiti lang ako nang matipid kay Prof. nang
pagbuksan niya 'ko ng gate. I locked myself in my room, thinking of ways to help
Mary Ann.
I should help, right? 'Yun ang pinakatamang gawin sa ability na nahihiram ko. If
I'm seeing death, I can help prevent it. Gaya ng ginawa ng dumb death god sa'kin.
Tamilmil ako nang kumain ng hapunan. Buti na lang, wala uli sa bahay si Lolo Dimos.
He went on a trip. Hindi naman magtatanong basta si Prof. sa'kin.
Bumalik lang uli ako ng kwarto pagkatapos maghugas ng mga plato. It was almost nine
in the evening when I thought of calling Mary Ann. Bahala na pero kakausapin ko
siya. I will tell her about what I saw. Sasabihin ko sa kanyang mapapahamak siya.
Ilang ulit nag-ring ang cellphone niya bago siya sumagot. Nagpakilala ako.
"What's the matter, Miss Lacierna?" she asked softly.
She sounded so calm that it was getting on my nerves. Totoo naman ang mga nakikita
ko, hindi ba? Hindi naman ako baliw. Kaya okay lang kung sasabihan ko siya.
"Can we talk tomorrow? I have something urgent to tell you," diretso ko.
"Is it about Katherine? Is there a problem with her sessions?" she asked.
"No. Wala. This is urgent and personal. It concerns you."
Ilang minutong natahimik ang linya niya.
"Tomorrow?" she asked.
"Yes. Lunch sana? I'll meet you wherever you're comfortable," maingat na sabi ko.
Tahimik siya uli.
"Sa coffee shop na lang sa tapat ng clinic. You have work tomorrow, 'di ba? Ayokong
makaabala," sabi niya.
"Hindi naman ako maaabala."
"I insist, Miss Lacierna," pormal na sabi niya.
Ako naman ang natahimik. Sa tuwing nagsasalita siya, parang lagi siyang may
distansiyang inilalagay sa kanya at sa kausap niya. She's way too formal, too
proper. She looked like she got herself and wouldn't need anything from anyone. It
could be easily mistaken for confidence and self-sufficiency. Nakita rin kaya ni
Doktora ang mga senyales na posibleng troubled din si Mary gaya ni Katherine?
"Okay. Lunch time na lang bukas. See you," sabi ko.
Nagpasalamat pa muna siya bago magbaba ng linya.
I thought about how to tell her what I need to tell her until I fell asleep.
***
Kinabukasan sa office, nauna na 'kong magpaalam kay Miss Van na hindi ako sasabay
sa kanyang kumain ng tanghalian.
I went to the coffee shop and waited. Time ticked. I ate pasta and drank coffee.
I waited.
Nakailang check ako sa phone ko para mag-abang sa tawag o text message pero wala. I
tried calling but no one was answering her phone. Natapos ang lunch hour na hindi
siya dumating at hindi rin nagpasabi ng kung anuman.
Pagbalik ko sa office, inabutan kong masinsinan na nag-uusap sina Miss Van at si
Doktora. Hindi ko pa alam kung ano ang nangyari pero masama na ang kutob ko.
I kept on seeing Mary Ann with the death god near her; palapit nang palapit
hanggang sa nasa likuran na niya ito, sa tagiliran niya, at sa huli, kaharap na
niya.
"Did you really call Mary Ann last night, Natalie?" tanong ni Doktora sa'kin.
Tumango ako. "Yes po."
"What for?" si Doktora pa rin.
"May sasabihin lang po sana ako sa kanya. I asked her if I could meet her by lunch
today. She didn't come," sabi ko.
Nagkatinginan pa muna sina Miss Van at si Doktora bago malungkot na bumaling
sa'kin.
"Oh dear. We should have talked to her sooner, too," sabi ni Doktora. Napayakap
siya sa braso niya. "Napansin mo rin ba? Kaya gusto mo siyang kausapin?"
I didn't respond.
"I knew from the first day that she's suffering more than her sister. But she's not
ready to talk about it at all. Napag-usapan na namin ng kapatid niya ang tungkol sa
kanya." Umiling si Doktora. "I should have talked to her sooner. Hindi sana
nangyari ang ganito. Poor girl."
Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita. I knew what happened even without being told.
"She died last night, Natalie," sabi ni Miss Van sa'kin. "She cut herself so deep,
she bled and died."
Tumungo na lang ako.
I was too late.
***
Gabi na 'kong nag-out sa office nang araw na 'yun. I read files after files of
patients who self-cut but got cured of the attachment to hurt themselves. The first
step of giving them help is if they seek for it themselves. But even knowing that,
it didn't relieve the nagging feeling inside me.
Tingin ko, dapat may ginawa ako. Dapat may sinabi man lang ako. Anything to stop
her from hurting herself. I should have done what needs to be done when I had time.

Bumagsak ang malakas na ulan habang sakay ako ng taxi pero bumaba pa rin ako sa
bungad ng subdivision. Bakasakaling makita ko si Kyros. Kailangan ko ng kausap.
Kailangan ko ng tatanungin kung ano ba ang dapat kong ginawa at kung ano ang pwede
kong gawin sa susunod.
Wala pa rin siya sa park.
I walked in the rain in my usual pace.
I was not even related to her but hearing what she heard and seeing what she'd been
through made me sad. It's sad to feel alone. It's sad to be unable to rely to
people even when you think you have them.
Nag-iisip pa 'ko ng excuse na sasabihin kay Prof. 'pag nakita niya 'kong basang-
basa pero sumapit na 'ko sa harap ng bahay.
At nasa labas si Prof. Henry. Parang naghihintay.
Natigilan ako.
It's quite a scene to behold. He's wearing all white, the rain pouring all around
us. Namamayong siya gamit ang isang puting payong habang hawak sa kabilang kamay
ang isa pa.
His brown eyes looked at me so gently that all the sadness inside me started to
stream down my eyes.
"I'm soaked," sabi ko sa kanya.
"I can see that, stupid," sabi niya sa'kin.
"The umbrella has no use. I'm sorry."
We stared at each other.
I wish I could tell him that I had a bad day. But I kept my mouth shut.
"Don't take it against yourself, Natalie," sabi niya at lumapit. Isinukob niya pa
rin sa'kin ang isang payong. "Let's get inside. You hate the cold."
I shivered.
Pumasok kami sa loob ng bahay. #1247h/06202017

Chapter 06: Glimpse

While you live, death is walking behind you. When you chase after death, death is
walking in front of you. The only time death will turn your way to face you, is
when it is coming to get you.

***
Kinabukasan, hirap akong gumising at bumangon. Mabigat ang katawan ko kahit wala
naman akong lagnat. Nag-text ako kina Doktora na hindi ako makakapasok at pumikit
uli.
Mag-a-alas nueve nang kumatok si Prof. sa pinto ko. Dinig ko ang pag-ulan sa labas.
"Are you awake?" Prof. asked from outside my door.
Balot na balot pa 'ko ng kumot. Namamaluktot.
Why is it that when the heart is heavy, the body follows through? I want to sleep a
thousand years. I also have the perfect weather.
"Get up. You need to eat," he said.
"Hindi naman po ako nagugutom, Prof.," mabigat ang boses na sagot ko sa kanya.
Hindi agad siya nakakibo. Then he said, "Nagugutom ako."
Nangunot ang noo ko. Eh 'di kumain siya kung gutom siya. Bakit niya pa 'ko
kakatukin? Alangan namang hinihintay niya 'kong magising bago siya mag-almusal?
Natigilan ako sa naisip ko. Napatitig sa saradong pinto.
Hindi nga? Hindi pa siya nag-aalmusal? Naghihintay siya sa'kin dahil sanay na
siyang magkasabay kami?
"Hindi pa po kayo kumakain?" tanong ko at naupo sa kama.
"Hindi pa."
Now, I feel sorry.
"Sandali lang po. Mag-aayos lang ako," sabi ko at parang kuhol na kumilos.
Narinig ko ang yabag niya pababa.
***
Iniusog ni Prof. Henry sa harap ko ang bowl ng pumpkin soup.
"Eat," sabi niya.
Sandali lang akong sumulyap sa kanya bago kunin ang kutsara ko at humigop.
Masyadong mainit ang soup. Inilabas ko ang dila kong napaso.
Kumunot ang noo ni Prof. at napatingin sa'kin. Binawi ko ang dila ko.
Pinakiramdaman. Wala nang paso. Napunta na sa iba.
Sorry, dumb death god. Napaso kita.
"It's obviously hot. Hipan mo muna," sabi niya sa'kin. Kunot ang noo.
Hindi ako umimik. Umuusok pa ang bowl ng soup. Obvious ngang mainit. Pero hindi
naman niya kailangang magsungit na naman sa'kin in six words! Humahaba lang siyang
magsalita kapag manenermon, magbabawal, o magsusungit.
Hinalo-halo ko ang soup habang hinihipan. Nanood naman ako sa pagsubo ni Prof.
Nakatikwas na naman 'yung ilang hibla ng buhok niya sa tainga at sa batok. I wonder
kung okay lang sa University na pinagtuturuan niya 'yung buhok niya. Medyo makapal
kasi 'yun.
"Why are you staring?" sita niya at tumingin nang diretso sa mga mata ko.
Tumungo ako sa soup. "Wala po."
Kubyertos na lang ang maririnig sa pagitan namin.
"Wala kang pasok ngayon?" tanong niya kapagdaka.
Now, that's new. Nagtatanong talaga siya sa'kin?
"Wala po. Mabigat ang pakiramdam ko," sagot ko.
"Are you sick?"
Umiling ako. "Mabigat lang po talaga ang katawan ko today. Pero wala naman po akong
fever or anuman."
Hindi siya nagkomento.
"Ikaw, Prof.? Wala kang klase today?" tanong ko sa kanya.
"I'm on leave."
Napatango ako. Kaya pala lagi siyang nasa bahay. But even if that was the case,
bakit hindi ko man lang siya nakikitang lumalabas? At all? Wala ba siyang friends o
colleagues na nakaka-miss sa kanya?
Tss. Wala siguro. Masyado kasi siyang masungit.
Nagnakaw uli ako ng sulyap nang mapansin kong namumula ang tainga niya. Parehas sa
pisngi at leeg niya. He was wearing thick sweaters, too. Is he cold or...
"Prof.? May sakit ka?" tanong ko sa kanya, kunot-noo.
"Kumain ka," dismissive na sabi niya. He was looking at his food.
"May sakit nga po kayo?" ulit ko.
Hindi siya sumagot kaya tumayo ako saglit, dumukwang, at ipinatong ang palad ko sa
noo niya.
He was hot!
"May lagnat ka nga!" napalakas na sabi ko. "Nilalamig po ba kayo kaya kayo naka-
sweater? Do you even have appetite? Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa'kin na may lagnat ka?"
I looked in frustration at the food he prepared on the table. May pang-almusal at
pangtanghalian na ro'n. "Marunong naman po akong magluto, sana ako na lang ang
pinagluto n'yo."
Umiling siya. "Don't nag at me and I'll be fine."
"Hindi naman ako nagna-nag, Prof.," tutol ko.
"Sit down and eat, Natalie. This fever is nothing. I will get over it once I rest,"
sabi niya.
"Bawal din po ba mag-alala, Prof.?" Sumimangot ako. "May sugat lang kayo no'ng
nakaraan tapos ngayon naman, lagnat."
"My wound already healed. Eat well so the food won't go to waste," sabi niya lang
at hindi na 'ko pinansin.
Hindi na muna ako nangulit.
***
Itinulak ko si Prof. palabas ng kusina matapos kaming kumain. I insisted na ako na
ang magliligpit ng pinagkainan namin.
Pagkatapos magligpit, I looked for him but he seemed to be in his room. Umakyat
naman ako sa kuwarto ko at nagbasa ng schoolbooks ko. I needed a distraction
because I constantly go back into thinking about Mary Ann. Sa labas, hindi humuhupa
ang ulan. Parang nakikipagluksa.
Pagdating ng tanghalian, mag-isa lang akong kumain. Nagdikit lang si Prof. ng note
sa fridge na nagsasabing kumain na siya. Gusto ko sana siyang katukin sa kuwarto
niya para i-check pero baka pagalitan ako. Inisip ko na lang na since professor
naman siya, alam niya kung pa'no alagaan ang sarili niya.
Pero hindi rin talaga 'ko mapakali.
Bandang hapon, naisip kong gumawa ng meryenda para kay Prof. It was a good excuse
para silipin kung okay na siya o kung may kailangan siyang iba. Pero pagbaba ko,
nadaanan ko siyang nagbabasa ng libro sa living room. Naka-sweater pa rin. Namumula
pa rin. Hindi ko naman siya pwedeng pagalitan kasi mas masungit siya sa'kin.
Bumalik akong may bitbit na juice at suman. Inilapag ko sa kahoy na mesa sa tapat
ng long couch na inuupuan niya.
"Meryenda po, Prof.," sabi ko sa kanya.
Nag-angat lang siya sandali ng tingin sa'kin pero hindi nagkomento. Sinilip ko
naman 'yung libro na binabasa niya: Myths and Deities. May cracks na 'yung book
cover at mukhang discolored. Mukhang luma.
Nang tutok na uli siya sa pagbabasa, dahan-dahan akong umupo sa kasangga na long
couch ng inuupuan niya. I waited for a while pero parang wala siyang balak na
pansinin ako. Tumikhim ako.
He raised his eyes on me. "What is it? May itatanong ka?"
Nakatingin ako sa pula ng tainga niya at sa cowlicks na nakatikwas. It was a
distraction para hindi ako ma-intimidate sa paninita niya.
"Kumusta na pakiramdam n'yo, Prof.?"
"I'll be okay," sabi niya.
Iniurong ko pa lalo palapit 'yung tray ng meryenda. "Kain muna kayo bago magbasa."
Tumingin siya sa meryenda tapos sa'kin. "I thought you said you're not feeling
well? I can take care of myself, Natalie. You don't have to do this."
Pinalabas ko sa kabilang tainga ko ang sinabi niya at iniurong lalo ang tray ng
pagkain palapit. "Kain ka muna, Prof."
Nagsukatan kami ng tingin. I clutched at my necklace and breathed the magic word.
Kumurap siya. Kumunot ang noo.
"Okay."
Ibinaba niya sa mesa ang librong binabasa niya at dinampot ang tinidor. I watched
him eat.
"Are you going to watch me?" tanong niya sa'kin.
Ngumiti lang ako. "Hintayin ko lang pong maubos n'yo 'yung meryenda para maibalik
ko sa kusina."
"I can do that on my own," he said.
Ang sungit mo talaga, sa isip ay sabi ko sa kanya habang nakatingin. "I can do
that, too, Prof. Henry."
"Nagmeryenda ka na?" he asked.
"Yes po."
Come to think of it... kung parang hindi lumalabas si Prof. everyday, pa'no siya
nakakabili ng mga lulutuin? O may iba bang gumagawa no'n? As early as six thirty in
the morning, may breakfast na siyang nailuluto.
"Sino palang namamalengke, Prof.?" usisa ko.
"Ako," sagot niya.
"Ano'ng oras kayo namamalengke?"
"As early as four thirty in the morning. Bukas na 'yung market nang gano'ng oras."
Oh. He's really diligent. Pero...
"You went to the market early today, too? Maulan na kanina pa, 'di ba? Kaya po ba
kayo nagkasakit?"
"I think so."
Nakakakonsensiya naman. Ako ang babae at kaya ko namang gawin ang pamamalengke pero
siya ang gumagawa. Kahit naman tenant ako rito sa bahay, I can do that much. Bawi
man lang sa mababang upa.
"Okay lang ba pakiramdam mo, Prof.? Hindi ka nahihilo? Hirap matulog? Hirap
kumilos?" tanong ko pa.
"I'm okay, Natalie," pinal na sagot niya. Uminom siya ng juice.
Wala na 'kong maisip itanong. Parang lahat ng tanong, kaya niyang sagutin into a
dead end. Napadako ang mata ko sa librong binabasa niya.
"It looks like an old book," komento ko.
"It is old."
"Sa library po ba ni Lolo Dimos 'yan galing?"
"Yes."
Wow. He really can drive any question into a dead end.
"Ayaw mo ba 'kong kausap, Prof.?" tanong kong nakatingin nang diretso sa kanya.
"Do you want to talk to me?" balik-tanong niya.
"Hindi po ba obvious, Prof.?"
"Akala ko makulit ka lang."
I'm dumbfounded. Akala ko, mahilig lang siyang manermon. Hindi ako alam na
judgmental din siya.
"What do you want to talk about?" tanong niya at sumandal sa couch. Tumingin
sa'kin.
Kumurap ako. "Makikipag-usap ka sa'kin, Prof.? Totoo?"
"If you have things you want to ask, just spill it. You don't have to make
introductory questions," sabi niya.
"Hindi naman introductory questions 'yung tanong ko kanina kung okay ka lang,"
sagot kong nakasimangot. "Concern po talaga 'ko sa lagnat mo."
"I already told you I'll be okay."
Natahimik kami.
"What is it that you want to ask?" untag niya uli.
Sumandal din ako sa couch. Napatingin sa libro sa mesa.
"Uh... 'yung sa book na binabasa n'yo, Prof., meron bang tungkol sa mga lower
deities?" tanong ko.
"Do you have a particular deity in mind?"
"Mga death gods po," sabi ko.
"It talks a little about death gods," sagot niya.
Bumuntonghininga ako. Ilang libro na rin ang pinaghanapan ko ng tungkol sa mga
death gods pero magkakahawig lang ang impormasyon na nakukuha ko. They're a myth.
They're part of a folklore. They are guides to the afterlife.
Wala man lang kahit isang libro ang nagsabi na superior ang itsura nila sa normal
na tao o na may silver na balahibo na pwedeng manakaw sa kanila. I specifically
need to know about the feather. I need to know what to do to the deaths I see, too.
"Why are you interested about death gods? Do you study about that in Psychology?"
tanong ni Prof.
Umiling ako. Pa'no ko ba itatanong ang mga gusto kong itanong?
Ilang sandaling pumagitna sa amin ang ingay ng buhos ng ulan sa labas bago ako
makapagtanong uli.
"Ikaw, Prof., naniniwala ka sa death gods? Sa angels?" tanong kong nakatingin sa
kanya.
"Yes," sagot niya. "Deities like that are present in myths and folklores. But
that's not why I believe in them."
"Eh bakit po?"
He looked thoughtful. "According to theories of nature, from unicellular organisms
came multi-cellular organisms. Then, the human evolution. Kung may link at
heirarchy mula sa pinakamaliit na organismo hanggang sa komplikadong sistema ng
isang tao, then higher entities must have a link to humans, too. Mula sa tao
papunta sa mas mataas na uri ng nilalang-sa Lumikha."
Napatango ako.
"Each thing in this planet functions for something; a part of an intricate system.
Higher beings must have responsibilities solely for themselves, too," dagdag niya
pa.
"Halimbawa, Prof., halimbawa lang... Halimbawa, nahihiram ng tao 'yung ability ng
mga higher beings. Kunwari 'yung sa death gods. Ano'ng tingin n'yo ang dapat gawin
ng taong nakahiram?" maingat kong tanong.
"You have to be precise in your questions, Natalie."
Kinuha ko ang throw pillow na nasa tabi ko at niyakap. "Kunwari po ako, nahiram ko
ang ability ng isang death god at nakikita ko kung kailan at kung paano mamamatay
ang isang tao... ano'ng gagawin ko?"
"You must not interfere," mabilis na sagot ni Prof.
"Ha?" Kumunot ang noo ko. "Kahit na hindi pa dapat mamatay ang isang tao, hindi ako
dapat makialam? I mean... pa'no kung may tao na hindi naman niya deserve 'yung
death niya?"
"Do you know why collecting deaths is given to higher entities than humans?" he
asked me gently. "It's because death gods do not question the judgment of the
Creator."
Natahimik ako.
"Sino ang tao para sabihing hindi karapat-dapat ang kamatayang ibibigay sa katulad
nilang tao? Ano ang alam nila sa buhay? Ano ang alam nila sa kamatayan? Ano ang
alam nila sa kapangyarihan ng Lumikha?
"Every single human being is given the exact time he needs to exist. Walang maikli
o mahabang buhay. Walang maikli o mahabang oras. Bawat tao, may eksaktong oras ng
kapanganakan at kamatayan.
"But because humans are cerebral, emotional, and material beings, they make
judgments according to what they think, what they feel, and what they experienced.
But what goes into your brain, what goes into your heart, and what goes into your
past are only a part of you. It might not hold true for other people. Iba ang
dinanas ng iba. Iba ang kinalakhan ng iba. Iba ang buhay at kamatayan na dadaanan
ng iba.
"Who are you to make the decision whether someone is deserving to live or die?"
"Pero... halimbawa ako, Prof., muntik na 'kong mamatay dati. Twice. 'Yung ikalawang
beses, sigurado akong dapat patay na 'ko no'n pero hindi ako namatay. Pa'no
nangyari 'yun?" tanong ko pa rin.
"How sure are you that you are destined to die that second death? You are here,
right? That means you are to live."
Naguguluhan ako. Ibig bang sabihin, walang kinalaman 'yung death god sa phone ko
kung bakit ako buhay? I mean, I used to think that he saved me. Did he not save me?

"Ano ang tingin n'yo ro'n sa mga namamatay sa aksidente, Prof.? 'Yun din 'yung
death na given sa kanila? Hindi sila nadamay lang?"
"Like I told you, I think that every single human being is given the exact time
needed to live. Walang labis, walang kulang. An accident is called an accident
because no human see it coming. But higher entities might know."
"Tingin n'yo, 'yung mga death gods, hindi nakakapagpetisyon para sa buhay ng ibang
tao? Like, magdadasal sila para madugtungan ang buhay ng isang tao?"
"I think, they can pray for that. After all, there are people who forfeited their
life by committing sins against themselves. Halimbawa, 'yung mga nagsu-suicide-
intentional man o unintentional. When you try to die on your own, you're rejecting
the gift of life granted to you.
"If a person forfeited their life, what will happen?" he asked.
"Hindi ko po alam," sagot ko.
"There's an ancient belief that says that every sin committed incurs karma. What
you reap is what you sow. If you forfeited your life and imposed death against
yourself, death will latched itself on you.
"But since it's a karma, what if you can pay for the sin of forfeiting your own
life? Can you continue to live?" patuloy niya.
Napahigpit ang yakap ko sa unan habang nag-iisip. Gano'n nga siguro ang nangyari
sa'kin. I tried to commit suicide but I lived. But because of that attempt against
my own life, I was chased by all kinds of death. Then, I was trapped to die inside
a freezer. No'ng nagising ako, ang nabasa kong sinabi no'ng death god sa cellphone,
nabayaran ko na raw 'yung kasalanan ko.
That must be how I paid for my sin and how I was able to live until now. He did
designed a proper death for me and helped me live.
He must have prayed for me to the Creator.
"Ibig sabihin, Prof., talagang hindi ako dapat makialam sa mga makikita kong
deaths? Even if I think that it is unfair?" tanong ko pa rin.
"There is knowledge and mercy greater than what you possess, and that is from the
Creator. Trust that mercy," sagot niya sa'kin.
Lumubog ako lalo sa kinauupuan ko. The couch felt too comfortable now. Yari iyon sa
kahoy pero nasasapinan ng cushions.
"You're right," sabi ko sa kanya.
"How a person dies is not as important as how a person spends his life. You can
only die once but you can live every day. If you want something to do for the
deaths you see, do something for a person's life."
Tumango-tango ako bago manlaki ang mata. "Pero kunwari lang 'yun, Prof., ha?! I
mean, halimbawa lang."
"I know," sagot niya.
Humugot ako ng hangin. Gusto ko pa siyang kausap.
"How about saints, Prof.? What do you think happened to them when they die?" tanong
ko pa uli.
I lost him in his thoughts before he answered me.
We talked all afternoon na hindi ko namalayang nakatulog na 'ko. Nagising na lang
akong nakaunat na sa long couch, nakaunan sa throw pillow, at may fleece blanket.
Si Prof. naman, nakatulog din sa couch niya.
He looked so peaceful in his sleep. He's less intimidating, pero mukha pa ring
seryoso. Suplado niya talaga tingnan.
Napasulyap ako sa mabigat na ulan na gumagapang sa sa salaming-bintana. Madilim na
sa labas. Kumikislap ang kidlat.
Kailangan kong maghanda ng hapunan. Prof. Henry needs to rest more. Kaya pinagpag
ko 'yung kumot at maingat na iniayos sa kanya. Gusto ko rin sana siyang lagyan ng
unan pero baka magising at pagalitan ako.
Dahan-dahan, ipinatong ko ang kamay ko sa noo niya para i-check kung mainit pa
siya. Kasabay ng paglapat ng palad ko sa balat niya, kumislap ang kidlat sa labas.
"I've been trying to see your face but I can't. Why?" I asked.
"You're not allowed to see my face, yet."
"Really? Why?"
"You're only allowed to see it once."
"Is that why you're walking in front of me? To keep me from seeing your face?"
subok ko pa rin. "Hindi ako pwedeng maglakad sa tabi mo?"
Malumanay at malalim ang boses niya sa pagsagot. "While you live, death is walking
behind you. When you chase for death, death is walking in front of you. It's always
like that, Natalie. The only time death will turn your way to face you, is when we
are coming to get you."
Binawi ko ang kamay ko sa noo ni Prof.
What did I see? I was in it. I was following someone. Was that... the death god?
The voice I heard in the vision was ringing in my ears.
Napatitig ako kay Prof. Henry. He's breathing deeply. Magaan ang pagkakapikit ng
mga mata niya.
"Stupid."
I must be hallucinating. There is no way that that death god has the same voice as
Prof. Henry. #1158u/06212017

Chapter 07: Beside you

There are three ways a death god can recover an unbequethed celestial item and
prevent unwanted repercussions in the mortal world; one, to appear as is and take
the item by force; two, to assume a material form and take the item in secrecy; and
three, to borrow the human-in-question's body to burn the item. It must be
observed, however, that each method is dangerous both to the death god and the
mortal.

***
Hahawakan ko sana uli si Prof. Henry pero nagmulat siya ng mata. His caramel eyes
shot at me so intently that I was taken aback.
May ginawa na naman ba akong mali? Naramdaman niyang hinawakan ko siya kahit tulog
siya?
"What are you doing?" he asked in a coarse voice. Pumikit muna siya nang mariin
bago mabigat ang katawang naupo. "Why are you touching me? I told you not to touch
me."
Iniwan ko sa hangin ang paninita niya.
"Chini-check ko lang po kung may lagnat pa kayo," maingat na sagot ko. Kinuyom ko
ang palad ko kung saan ramdam ko pa ang init ng balat niya. Even though the vision
I saw registered right away when I touched him, I also felt his fever. Para akong
humawak sa kalderong nakasalang sa apoy. Ngayong gising na siya, mas halata na ang
pamumula ng balat niya. Pati mata niya, mapula. But he was not sweating at all.
Inilapat niya ang palad niya sa dibdib niya at huminga nang malalim.
"This is becoming a problem," bulong niya at akmang tatayo. "I'll go to my room."
Didikit pa lang ako sa kanya para sana alalayan siya pero ang sama na agad ng
tingin niya sa'kin.
"Don't go near me," sabi niya.
"Samahan lang kita sa kuwarto-"
"No. Baka mahawa ka sa'kin," una niyang sabi.
"Pero kasi, Prof.-"
He shot me a shut up look. I stayed still from where I stood.
Oh my God. I'm used to his silence that now I even understand what he means with
just a look.
"I'll be okay. Don't follow me," sabi niya at lumakad.
Hirap na hirap akong manood sa mabagal na hakbang ni Prof. He looked like he was
hurting somewhere in his body but I couldn't tell where exactly. Lagnat lang naman
dahil sa ulan ang meron siya, 'di ba? It's not like he was terminally ill with
something, right? Nakaka-worry. Ibang klase pa naman 'yung kaputian ni Prof. Parang
sa mga death gods na nakikita ko. He was ethereally white na kung hindi lang
masungit lagi ang mukha niya, magmumukha siyang soft.
Nakasunod ako ng tingin hanggang sa nasa pinto na siya ng kuwarto niya. At nang
akala ko ay kaya na nga niya ang sarili niya, natumba siya.
I rushed towards him.
***
My heart was beating like crazy when I reached Prof. Nakapikit siya at mabigat ang
paghinga.
Nakahinga ako kahit na papa'no. He was breathing. At least, he was breathing. Mas
malala kung nahimatay siya at hindi humihinga. Mukhang malakas ang pagkakabagsak
niya.
"Prof.? Naririnig mo ba 'ko?" tanong ko sa kanya.
He wasn't responding.
Sinapo ko ang ulo niya para mag-check ng injuries. Wala siyang sugat doon. I also
checked his body. Mukhang okay naman.
"Henry?" I called out again. Marahan ko siyang tinapik sa pisngi pero wala pa ring
sagot.
God, what am I to do if he didn't regain consciousness?
Iniayos ko ang pagkakalatag niya sa malamig na sahig at binuksan ang ilang butones
ng linen shirt niya. His soft jeans doesn't look too tight but just to be sure,
tinanggal ko na rin ang butones no'n. Tapos pumuwesto ako nang paupo sa paanan niya
at ipinatong ang paa niya sa balikat ko. This should return blood flow to his brain
and help him regain consciousness.
He has to wake up. 'Di bale nang i-shut up niya 'ko.
"Prof. Henry, wake up..." tawag ko sa kanya habang nakahawak sa paa niya.
Every second that ticked felt like forever. Nang tawagin ni Prof. ang pangalan ko,
halos naiiyak na 'ko.
"What are you doing again, Natalie?" mahina ang boses na tanong niya. Nakahiga pa
rin siya, nakatingin sa'kin.
"First aid, Prof. Nahimatay ka kasi. Are you okay? Can you see me?"
"Are you stupid? I called you by your name, that means I can see you."
Masama akong tumingin sa kanya.
"Conscious ka na nga dahil nagsusungit ka na uli!" frustrated na sigaw ko habang
mahigpit pa rin ang hawak sa magkabilang paa niya na nasa balikat ko. "I was
worried! Bumagsak ka na lang like a sack of potatoes after telling me you'll be
okay and that I shouldn't touch you! Tapos, susungitan mo 'ko pagmulat mo? Wala ka
bang ibang alam gawin kundi magsungit?!"
It was horrible to hear myself crying. Sana kunin na 'ko ng death god na babawi ng
feather na suot ko. Sana ngayon na, bago ako mailibing sa sarili kong kahihiyan.
I heard a scoff.
Nanalas uli ang mata ko kay Prof.
He must not be a human being at all. I was crying out of stress and concern and he
was scoffing at me.
"Let go of my feet. You look-"
"Stupid na naman!" una ko.
"-ridiculous," sabi niya at ngumiti. Sinapo niya ang noo niya. "I really feel
worst."
Yes. You're the worst.
"I meant the fever," sabi niya.
"Fever nga ang sinasabi ko. You have a worst fever," sabi ko.
Tumingin uli siya sa'kin. "Let go of my feet now."
Ibinaba ko ang paa niya at pinahid ng likod ng palad ko ang luha ko sa mukha. "Are
you okay? Nahihilo ka? Nasusuka? Nagugutom? Inaantok? Napapagod? Dadalhin ba kita
sa ospital? Uminom ka na ba ng gamot kanina? Ano'ng gusto mong kainin? Ipagluluto
kita."
He stared at me. "Hindi ko masasagot lahat ng tanong mo."
Kailan ka ba sumagot talaga ng lahat ng tanong? naisip ko.
"I don't need the hospital," sabi niya. "Nahihilo ako. I want to go to my room."
Humawak ako kabilaan sa bandang tuhod niya. "I won't let you go alone," seryosong
sabi ko. "Kahit sungitan mo 'ko, Prof."
Nagsukatan kami ng tingin.
"Okay," suko niya.
Suminghot ako at pinahid ang ilan pang bakas ng luha sa mukha ko. Tumayo ako at
lumipat sa tagiliran niya. "I'll help you up."
Umakbay siya sa'kin at hinila ko siyang patayo. He was seriously heavy. At sobrang
init ng katawan niya. Kaya bakit hindi man lang siya pinagpapawisan? Hindi pa ba
siya uminom ng gamot? Pa'no siya gagaling?
Binuksan niya ang pinto ng kuwarto niya at pumasok kami. Tinulungan ko siyang
mahiga sa kama.
"Now, leave," sabi niya habang inaayos ang damit niya.
Sigurado akong lahat ng pagrerebelde, nakapinta sa mukha ko. Ano bang ginawa kong
masama sa professor na 'to at parang allergic siya sa'kin?
Luminga ako sa kuwarto niya. I found a single seater near a bookcase. Hinila ko
'yun palapit sa kama niya.
"What are you doing?" halos sita niya.
Tss. Nakikita naman niya. He's conscious and he's not blind so he should realized
what I'm doing.
"I'm being stupid," una ko sa favorite adjective niya sa'kin.
Bakit lagi akong nasasabihang stupid ng mga wirdo na kilala ko? The first one who
always called me that was that death god on my phone. And this second one almost
resembled that death god.
Natigilan ako sa naisip ko at napatingin kay Prof.
"What?" tanong niyang malamig ang mata.
He did resembled the death god. 'Yung way ng pagsasalita niya, 'yung kasungitan, at
'yung pagtawag sa'kin ng stupid. But... he couldn't be that death god. Death gods
are immortal, celestial beings. Pero si Prof., nahahawakan ko at nakakausap nang
personal. I saw him getting attacked by a death god, too. At may pamilya siya. He
has Lolo Dimos.
"You're being stupid with your eyes like that," putol ni Prof. sa iniisip ko. "Kung
wala kang gagawin kundi tumunganga sa'kin, just leave the room."
Wow. I'm sure he was more rude than that death god.
Hinila ko ang upuan sa tabi ng higaan niya at naupo. "I'm not leaving. I'm going to
stay with you."
"Suit yourself. Just don't touch me while I sleep," aniya at nangumot. Pumikit.
"Uminom ka ba ng gamot kanina?"
"Yes."
"Bakit hindi ka pinagpapawisan?"
"Don't know."
"Nilalamig ka ba?"
"Hindi."
"Magluluto ako ng hapunan 'pag nakatulog ka na-"
" 'Wag na. May pagkain pa mula kanina. Initin mo na lang," putol niya.
"Gigisingin kita 'pag kakain na."
"Of course."
Nakasimangot ako. His ability to end discussions was exemplary.
"Prof.-"
He hushed me. "Natalie, I need to sleep."
Kinagat ko ang dila ko.
"I'll watch over you."
Hindi na siya nagkomento.
***
Nang masiguro kong tulog na si Prof., lumabas ako ng kuwarto niya at nag-prepare ng
malamig na sponge bath. It should help with his fever since he wasn't sweating at
all. Hindi rin naman malamig ang kamay o paa niya.
Pagbalik ko uli, maingat kong inilagay ang basin ng malamig na tubig sa side table
niya at naupo sa kama. Ibinabad ko ang isang hand towel sa tubig at marahang piniga
bago ipatong sa noo niya. Gusto ko sanang punasan siya sa leeg at dibdib kaso 'pag
nagising, pagagalitan na naman ako. Ayaw niyang hawakan ko siya kahit na may lagnat
siya.
Ilang ulit kong pinalitan ang nasa noo niya pero hindi pa rin siya nagpapawis.
Tahimik na tahimik sa kuwarto. Paghinga lang ni Prof. ang naririnig ko.
Iginala ko ang mata ko sa buong silid niya at napakunot ang noo. It was big but
tidy. May dalawang book shelves na gawa sa kahoy ang kalahati ng silid. Ang
kalahati pa ay kung nasaan kami at ang higaan. Malalaki ang salaming bintana na may
tabing ng makapal na kurtina. Mahina lang na maririnig sa kuwarto niya ang malakas
na ulan sa labas. Ang weird lang... wala man lang bakas ng kahit na anong klase ng
salamin sa kuwarto niya.
Pa'no siya nagbibihis? Sa banyo lang ba may salamin?
Napatingin ako kay Prof. Pinalitan ko uli 'yung nasa noo niya. It was hard seeing
him sick. He looked strong and dependable. Why would he get sick?
I hope he gets better when he wakes up.
When he's sick like this, he looked gentle. Kahit no'ng hapon na magkausap kami,
malumanay siya. His caramel eyes would linger at me so gently that it felt nice.
Minsan, tunog nanenermon siya kapag sobrang far-fetched ng mga tanong ko pero
sinasagot niya pa rin. Once we got to talk, it felt like we won't stop. Kung hindi
siguro ako nakatulog, baka nag-uusap pa rin kami hanggang gumabi.
He's surprisingly rude even in his silence but he's also the gentlest I know. Ang
kulit pa ng cowlicks niya. Lagi talagang nakatikwas kahit kapag ganitong tulog
siya.
I want to touch his hair just once. Parang malambot kasi. I need to know if the
cowlicks were real. Kaso...
Pinalitan ko na lang uli ang nasa noo niya. I was ignoring the cowlicks that were
testing my patience. Nakatikwas 'yun sa tainga niya at mukhang malambot.
Maghahanda na lang siguro ako ng hapunan.
Papatayo na sana ako nang dumaing si Prof. Napabaling ako sa kanya. Kunot ang noo
niya at nakakapit siya sa dibdib niya.
"Prof.? Ano'ng problema? Ano'ng masakit?" I asked him.
Nagmulat siya nang maliit at napatingin sa'kin.
"Natalie?"
"Nandito ako, Prof. Ano'ng problema? Nauuhaw ka? May masakit sa'yo? Dalhin na kita
sa ospital? Baka lumala ka..." sabi ko sa kanya.
Lumunok siya. "It just hurts..."
"Ha? Alin ang masakit?"
"This body hurts..."
Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko sa sinasabi niya. Pumikit lang uli siya at dumaing. He
was clutching his chest.
"Ano'ng gagawin ko, Prof.? Ano'ng masakit sa'yo?"
Pinukpok niya ang dibdib niya. "It feels..."
"What?"
"Heavy..."
Hinilot ko ang dibdib niya. "Dalhin na kita sa ospital? Ano ba, Prof.? Hindi ko
alam ang gagawin ko sa'yo."
"It's heavy..." bulong niya at tumingin sa'kin, "when you're near me."
Napalunok ako. Ano'ng ibig sabihin no'n?
"Hindi ko naiintindihan, Prof."
"Leave the room. I'll be okay..." pakiusap niya.
"No! Pa'no kung may mangyari sa'yo tapos wala ako sa tabi mo..."
Lumunok siya. "Please..."
Umiling ako. Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang kamay niya. "Dito lang ako. Babantayan
kita. Baka kung ano'ng mangyari sa'yo."
Pumikit siya nang mariin at tumalikod sa'kin-hila ako.
"Sandali-"
It's so weird. Halos yakap ko na siya dahil sa posisyon namin. Kung bibitawan ko
ang kamay niya, mas komportable ako. But if I do...
"Tatawag ako ng ambulansiya, Prof.," sabi ko.
"Don't..." mahinang sagot niya. "Someone will come for me tonight. Tumawag na 'ko."
"What? Sino?" tanong ko.
Hindi na siya kumibo. Mabigat ang paghinga niya. Napapahigpit na rin ang hawak niya
sa kamay ko.
Para hindi gano'n ka-awkward, hinagod ko ang likod niya. Sa isip ko, nagdadasal ako
na hindi ako mahawa sa lagnat ni Prof. para hindi magkasakit 'yung death god.
Nakatulog kami pareho sa gano'ng posisyon.
***
Nagising ako sa ingay ng doorbell. Nakaayos na uli ng higa si Prof. pero nakayakap
pa rin ako sa kanya. Buti na lang, ako ang unang nagising. Kasi kung siya, sermon
ang abot ko. This should be inappropriate but... my heart is beating more
inappropriately.
Minasdan ko ang mukha niya. Hindi na gano'n kabigat ang paghinga niya. Kahit ang
pagkakapikit. Wala na 'yung kunot ng noo niya pero mainit pa rin ang katawan.
At bakit hindi siya pinapawisan? This is not right. Sweat would indicate that he
was getting better. Maghapon nang parang inaapoy ang katawan niya pero kahit
kaunting pawis, wala siya.
Nag-ring uli ang doorbell kaya maingat kong inalis ang pagkakayakap ko sa kanya.
Gumalaw siya nang bahagya at kumunot ang noo. I hushed him.
"Nandito na yata 'yung doktor na tinawagan mo, Prof. Be still. I'll let him in,"
bulong ko sa kanya. Hinaplos-haplos ko pa 'yung buhok niya.
Malambot nga.
Nang masiguro kong tulog lang uli siya, lumabas ako ng kuwarto. Nagmadali ako nang
buksan ang pinto ng bahay.
I was expecting a soaked doctor carrying an umbrella against the heavy rain. But
what or who I saw was very different.
Nakatayo sa porch namin ang isang matangkad na babaeng nakaasul. She looked too
soft and too beautiful in the flourescent porch lamp. Mahaba ang itim na itim na
buhok. Itim na itim din ang bilugang mga mata. Her lips were seductively full and
plump. And her breast, her waist, and her legs are sinfully proportioned. She's a
she-devil. She's a temptress, I'm sure.
"Uh... sino pong hanap nila?" tanong ko habang papabigat sa kaba ang dibdib ko.
There's no way in hell that Prof. Henry called for someone like her for the night.
"I'm here for Henry," sagot niya.
God! Even her voice sounded like a sin to be made.
I bit my lower lip.
"May sakit si Prof. Bumalik na lang kayo sa ibang taon," sabi ko.
She smiled at me in a way that I almost swooned. "I know that he's sick. That's why
I'm here for him."
Lumunok ako. Seryoso bang nangyayari 'to?
Wala akong magawa kundi luwangan ang bukas ng pinto.
I watched the woman strode inside the house, straight to Prof. Henry's bedroom. Na
parang alam na alam niya ang structure ng bahay dahil lagi siya roon. Lumingon ito
sa'kin habang hawak ang binuksang pinto.
"Don't disturb us for the night, okay?" sabi niya at kumindat.
"Hindi pa siya kumakain..." parang tangang sabi ko.
Ngumiti lang nang makahulugan ang babae bago tuluyang pumasok sa kuwarto ni Prof.
What the eff! She just effing smiled at me like that! As if, may gagawin siyang
nakakainis! Ugh! Sino siya? Is she his girlfriend?! # 1235ma/06232017

Chapter 08: Look at me

A death god assuming a material body is in danger of two things: one, attunement to
mortal feelings; and two, mortality.

***
Idinikit ko ang tainga ko sa pinto ng kuwarto ni Prof. Hindi sigurado kung
maririnig ko siya at ang bisita niya dahil makapal ang pinto, pero hindi ko kayang
tumanga lang at hayaan ang imagination ko. My imagination is cruel. Maraming
nakakainis na possibilities na ipinapakita sa'kin.
"You're here," narinig kong paos na sabi ni Prof.
Lalo akong dumikit sa pinto. Aha! I can hear them!
"Of course. You called for me," sagot ng babae. She tsked. "Look at you. You're
like this because you're stubborn. I'm sure you saw a lot of chances to take what
you need but you're being difficult. If she meddled again, you will-"
"Don't talk about that..." mahina ang boses na putol ni Prof.
Natahimik sila. May maliliit na ingay akong narinig sa loob ng kuwarto pero hindi
ako sigurado kung ano. Nakakalmot ko na ang pinto ni Prof. habang naghihintay.
"Hey. Watch where you're touching me."
Boses 'yun ni Prof. Mahina lang na tumawa ang babae.
Don't touch him! He doesn't want to be touched!
"It's okay because it's me, right?" tanong pa ng babae.
Ano'ng it's okay if it's you? Just don't touch him. He doesn't like it.
"Do what you want."
Nanlaki ang mata ko.
Ano?
Unfair! Bakit pwede siyang hawakan ng babaeng 'yun pero ako, hindi pwede? I was the
one beside him mula kanina! Nag-first aid ako nang mahimatay siya. Sinamahan ko pa
siya sa kuwarto niya.
Why is that woman's touch permissible? Girlfriend niya ba talaga 'yun?
"It's noisy," sabi ni Prof. He grunted.
"It's going to be noisier if you don't behave," sabi ng babae. "I'm coming up your
bed."
Kuyom ko ang kamao ko sa pinto. Ano'ng gagawin niya sa kama? Masisikipan si Prof.!
"Someone might be listening," sabi uli ng babae. "That girl might be curious."
Hindi kumibo si Prof.
"But she better not. It's bad manners," sabi pa uli nito. "Come here."
Umatras ako palayo sa pinto habang tutop ang bibig ko.
What is she doing?! Prof. is sick!
Pagkatapos kong magpabalik-balik sa paglakad sa sala ay naupo ako sa long couch na
nakaharap sa kuwarto ni Prof. Nagtitimpi at nagpipigil na kumatok.
I knew I shouldn't have eavesdropped... but he was sick and I don't understand why
calling that woman was more preferable than going to the hospital. He should have
just gone to the hospital with me. I would take care of him.
Wala ba 'kong pwedeng gawin? Magkukulong ba sila sa kuwarto hanggang umaga?
Hindi naman siguro, 'di ba? He needed to eat and rest. He needed medication, too.
I waited but the door didn't open.
***
I was lightheaded when I heard a smooth voice talking to me.
"This isn't yours."
I tried to open my eyes but it was so heavy. Mabigat din ang buong katawan ko. Para
akong inihuhulog mula sa kawalang hanggan. Slowly, I felt numbed and cold to the
bones. I couldn't make sense of what's happening around me.
"Hindi na kita dapat ipinanganak. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng tagapagpaalala ng ama
mo sa katangahan ko nang maniwala ako sa kanya. Dagdag gastos ka lang."
My mother was smoking. I was sitting at an empty table near her-starving.
I wanted to eat so much but if I said a single word, she would beat me up.
I chose to starve.
Why am I seeing this?
"Por que nakatira ka sa ampunan, nagpapaawa ka lagi! Gustong-gusto mo na
kinakampihan ka ng mga teachers at mga madre!"
I was shoved into a puddle. Nadumihan ang puting uniporme ko. I was worried how to
wash it and how to dry it quickly. Iisa lang ang uniporme ko.
"Parehas lang kayo ng Mama mo! Sigurado, paglaki mo malandi ka rin!" she shouted.
Sinipa niya ang isang lata papunta sa'kin. Tumama 'yun sa pisngi ko. Humiwa.
But the cut wasn't painful.
Marumi ang uniporme ko. Kailangan kong bumalik agad sa kumbento para maglaba.
I dropped more into nothingness.
"Anak ng puta 'yan."
"Namatay sa AIDS ang nanay niyan."
"She will be like her, too."
"She's a c*ckteaser."
I was slowly losing breath.
I was pressed firmly into the ground. Wasak ang harapan ng blusa ko at nakaangat
ang palda ko. Nakaibabaw sa'kin ang lalaking hindi naman lasing pero hindi rin
matino. It hurts every time he pushed inside me. It hurts every time he bit on
either of my breasts. But he kept on pushing and kept on biting.
Masakit na ang lalamunan ko sa kasisigaw pero parang walang nakaririnig sa'kin.
Nasa gym lang naman kami. Why wouldn't anyone come for me?
Why? I grew up praying. I always prayed. Why wasn't He listening to any of my
pleas? I wasn't even eighteen. Why is this animal doing this to me?
What does He want to test in me?
I shouted with all my might but I ended up being hit in the face. Again. Maga na
ang mukha ko at masakit ang katawan sa suntok at tadyak niya.
Bakit walang dumarating para sa'kin?
" 'Tang ina ka naman, ang ingay mo! Hindi ako makalabas sa'yong puta ka!"
I stopped screaming. I numbed myself of the pain. I diverted my thoughts to other
things.
There was a party next week. Wala akong damit. I should find one. May pera pa 'ko.
He shoved and shoved while I wondered about other things. He moaned like an animal
when he released himself inside me.
I felt that warm, disgusting thing.
It was dirty. It was so dirty I wished I just died right then.
I sobbed. Why am I seeing this? Why can't I open my eyes?
"My son is young. He didn't mean what he's done. Please, just accept this."
An envelope was placed on the table. The jazz music from the cafe was too soothing,
it was like a mockery.
Humuhupa pa lang ang sakit sa mga pasa at sugat ko sa katawan. I stopped going to
school.
"Wala ka rin namang pambayad sa abogado kung magsasampa ka ng kaso. At hindi ka
nakapagpa-medico legal, 'di ba? Kalimutan mo na lang ang nangyari. Bata ka pa
naman. You can forget. Kung kulang pa 'to, bibigyan ka pa namin," the woman said.
She looked convinced of her own lies. Nangingintab ang gintong hikaw at kuwintas
niya sa katawan. But her eyes were shallow.
I took the envelope. "Magbigay kayo ng doble kapag eighteen na 'ko."
The woman hastily nodded.
"Salamat."
Tumayo ako at tumalikod.
She said thanks. Itiniim ko ang mga labi ko.
That means, thank you for being stupid. Thank you for being a pathetic human being.
Thank you for keeping your mouth shut. Thank you for being so poor, you couldn't
even depend yourself. Thank you for knowing there was nothing you can do for
yourself.
There was nothing for me.
I went out the cafe.
Then I saw...
It was dark inside the room. I was sitting by my bed while the thin wall was
shaking. Nagse-s*x na naman 'yung nasa kalapit-kuwarto. They were young but they
sounded like they were enjoying it.
Why were they enjoying it? It was dirty and ugly.
It was demeaning.
The wall continued to shook and I continued to remember.
Why did Sister Millie has to know about what happened to me? I was okay to be the
only one who knew. Bakit kailangang lagi ako ang nagbibigay ng kahihiyan sa kanya?
She cried so much and apologized to me. Hindi naman siya ang may kasalanan sa'kin.
The b*stard saved by money was living glamorously while I still live in the horrors
of his bestiality.
Why do I have to live with the horrors?
I gripped the cutter tightly and looked at my wrist. It was clean even though
everything about me was dirty.
Why was it clean?
I slit my wrist thrice. The pain didn't register first. It was the sound of f*cking
from the other room that got into my system. When the pain stung, I already made
cuts to my other wrist.
It was painful. It was so painful to live. I wished no one would find me.
Then I heard my own thoughts asking...
Wala man lang 'yung recollection o explanation ng naging buhay ko. Sa mga movies,
nakikita ng mga bida ang naging buong buhay nila from birth to death. Wala bang
gano'ng presentation dito?
I shivered. Why am I seeing bits of my life like this?
Naramdaman ko nang gumaan bigla ang buong katawan ko, na para bang pwede na 'kong
magmulat. Pero may hindi maipaliwanag na takot na sumisigid sa kalamnan ko.
I felt damned.
I was going to open my eyes when I heard a voice.
"Don't open your eyes. Don't look."
The voice was very gentle. Very familiar.
It was warm.
Lalo akong napaiyak sa takot.
"Just trust me. Don't open your eyes."
I felt a force trying to open my eyes. Pumikit ako nang mariin gaya ng sabi ng
boses.
"Good, Natalie. Now, turn around."
***
I gasped for air, my eyes opened. Pero mabilis akong pumikit uli. I was shaking
with fear.
"Natalie..."
Napaiyak ako nang sabay-sabay kong maramdaman ang lahat ng pangit na alaala. All
the pain, humiliation, and despair in my memory ate on me. I felt so damaged and
dirty.
I was too afraid to open my eyes. I was afraid of what I would see next.
"Open your eyes, Natalie."
Umiling ako, my sobs getting louder.
I was damned. Someone up there must have hated me so much for everything to creep
into my skin all at once. Someone must have wanted me to go to hell to relive every
hideous thing.
"It's okay, Natalie. Look at me. You're with me."
I don't know what to do to be forgiven.
I was held tightly by someone warm and comforting. "Natalie, you're with me. It's
okay. You can stop crying."
Tinatawag ako ni Prof.?
Nagmulat ako ng mata at kumapit sa polo niya. Tiningala ko siya para makasiguro.
As soon as his caramel eyes met mine, I sobbed louder.
"Prof.! Napanaginipan ko..."-nanginginig ako habang nagsasalita-"lahat ng
masasamang bagay. I was hated. I was really hated..."
Niyakap niya 'ko nang mahigpit. Inalo.
"You're not hated."
"I was being punished..." putol-putol na sabi ko.
"This life is not a punishment, Natalie. You just have to live and believe long
enough and the good things will come. You barely lived."
"I barely lived but I always die..."
"You won't die this time..." sabi niya. "Look around. You're in the house. You just
fell asleep in the sofa and I'm with you. You're living your life right now."
Patuloy akong umiyak sa dibdib niya.
***
Masakit na ang mga mata ko nang tumigil ako sa pag-iyak. Halos wala na rin akong
mailuha kahit mabigat pa ang dibdib ko.
Kalmado na 'ko pero wala akong maisip sabihin kay Prof. I was comfortable in his
arms. He's holding me like it doesn't offend him.
"Are you okay, now?" tanong ni Prof.
Suminghot ako. Ang sarap sabihing hindi pa 'ko okay. Kaso...
"Wala ka nang ano... wala ka nang sakit, Prof.?" tanong ko.
"I'm all better."
Totoo ang sinabi niya. Normal na uli ang temperatura ng katawan niya. Pero pa'no
siyang gumaling nang gano'n kabilis mula sa taas ng lagnat niya kanina? Anong gamot
ang ininom niya?
"Is it morning?" I asked again.
"It's six in the morning."
Hindi ako kumibo.
"I'm hungry," sabi uli ni Prof.
I bit my tongue.
"Lua went home."
Lua? Lua ang pangalan nung babae?
"You should eat, too," patuloy niya. "Lalo na kung papasok ka sa clinic ngayon."
"Ayokong pumasok... sa clinic ngayon," sabi ko. I want to stay like this with you.
Naramdaman ko siyang nanigas bago magbuga ng hangin at bitawan ako.
I guess, I can't.
Napaayos ako ng upo sa sofa at nagbaba ng mata ko.
"Your face's all swollen," sabi niya. "Maghilamos ka."
Alam kong maga ang mukha at mata ko. Kaya nga ako nakatungo dahil ayokong makita
niya. Saka, baka amoy laway ako kung dito ako sa sofa nakatulog. Turn off.
"Uh... magaling ka na talaga, Prof.?" tanong ko na lang.
"Yes."
"Pa'no?" Nag-angat ako sandali ng mukha sa kanya. "Sobrang taas pa ng lagnat mo
kagabi. Hindi kita nakitang nagpawis."
"Lua's good," maikling sagot niya.
Sumimangot ako. Good saan? Ayokong itanong sa imagination ko. Siguradong nakakaasar
lang ang sagot.
Kaysa mag-isip, hinila ko ang collar ng blouse ko at ipinunas sa mga basa pang
parte ng mukha ko. I checked my face. Pasimple rin akong nag-ayos ng buhok.
"Girlfriend mo 'yun, Prof.?" I asked him.
"What?"
" 'Yung babaeng dumating... girlfriend mo?"
He grunted. "That's a stupid question."
Patagilid akong nagpukol ng tingin. Sinalubong niya ang talas ng mata ko.
He really looked okay. Normal na uli ang kulay niya. Maamo ang mukha.
"Magpalit ka na ng damit, maghilamos o whatever," sabi niya kapagdaka. "Sa labas
tayo kumain."
He must have had a good night with the woman.
"Ha?"
May sinabi ba siya?
"Hindi ako nakapagluto," sabi niya. "You have five minutes."
"Ha? Ano 'yun, Prof.?"
Wala akong maintindihan.
Huminga siya nang malalim. "Hindi ako nakapagluto ng almusal, Natalie. And I want
to walk outside. It stopped raining."
Lumipad ang mata ko sa salaming bintana. Wala na ngang ulan. Pero bakit hindi na
lang ako ang magluto kaysa-
"Five minutes, Natalie," sabi niya pa uli. "Gutom na 'ko."
"Y-yes... Wait..." kunot ang noong sabi ko at napatayo mula sa sofa.
Inilahad niya sa'kin ang palad niya bago ako tuluyang makahakbang. Nando'n ang
kwintas ko at ang nagliliwanag na balahibo.
"Your necklace broke," he said. He smiled a complicated smile. "I'm sorry."
I stared at the glowing feather. Kinuha ko 'yun sa kanya at mahigpit na hinawakan.
It gave me comfort. There is someone in this world who wanted me to live despite
knowing everything about me-that death god. And it makes me happy.
Pumikit ako habang nararamdaman kong pinapahupa ng balahibo sa kamay ko ang
natitira pang takot na dala ng mga panaginip at alaala. I think it would calm me
down totally if I use that word.
I whispered the magic word a little too loudly.
"Athos."
Prof. Henry grunted.
Pagmulat ko, nakahawak siya sa dibdib niya.
"Prof.?" Mabilis akong napalapit sa kanya. "May masakit uli sa'yo?"
He smiled that complicated smile at me. "This is nothing. Magpalit ka na."
"How can you say that? May sakit ka ba sa puso? You have to tell me."
But he wasn't saying anything.
We looked at each other's eyes a little longer until I felt a different kind of
pain inside my chest. Parang pinipiga ang puso ko. Parang nilulusaw. Parang
naghahanap ng isang bagay na hindi ko makikita kahit na saan o kahit na kailan.
"Natalie?"
His voice was gentle and soothing.
I stared at him as my heart beat into a faster tempo.
What should I do? I'm feeling something funny for the dumb professor. #1010g /
06232017

Chapter 09: Shift

An unbequethed celestial object weighs the flow and shift of power between the
celestial being and the human-in-question.
***
Ubos na 'yung five minutes pero nakatanga pa rin ako sa kabinet ko. Bigla kasi
akong na-conscious sa mga damit na mayro'n ako kahit na lagi naman akong nakikita
ni Prof.
Kasi naman. Why were my clothes screaming of poverty? Halatadong luma at kupas ang
lahat ng mga damit ko kahit na maaayos pa. Dadalawang blouses lang ang nabili ko
last year; isa, no'ng nag-birthday party si Eunice at 'yung isa pa ay no'ng
interview ko sa internship kay Doktora. 'Yung mga pants ko, hangga't maayos at
kasya pa sa'kin, hindi ko binibilhan ng kapalit. I don't wear skirts nor dresses
because it was easy for predators to lift it up.
Dahil wala naman akong choice, humugot na lang ako ng murang dilaw na soft blouse
at dark grey na pants. Nag-sandals ako. I looked at myself in the mirror and
felt...
What the eff. Mukha akong masunuring estudyante na magpapa-check ng thesis.
Tinanggal ko ang pagkaka-ponytail ng buhok ko at nagsuklay. Hanggang kalahating
braso na ang haba ng buhok ko. Dati, hindi ko gusto ang mahabang buhok kasi
madaling i-grab ng mga demonyo. Lately, I've been feeling okay to let it grow. I
fixed it to a half-updo.
The updo added more years to my face. Mas baby face ako kapag naka-pony. If not for
the size of my breast, everyone would mistake my age.
Lalabas na dapat ako ng kuwarto pero bumuwelta pa 'ko para magpahid ng lipgloss.
Pagbaba ko, nakakunot na ang noo ni Prof. Nginitian ko siya pero tumalikod lang
siya sa'kin at umunang maglakad.
I hurried beside him but he halted.
"Ano 'yun, Prof.? May nakalimutan tayo?" tanong ko habang nasa tagiliran niya. I
barely reached his shoulders.
"Nothing," sabi niya at humakbang nang malaki. Nang sobrang laki.
Humabol ako sa paglalakad niya nang makalabas na kami ng bahay. Pero gate pa lang,
hinihingal na 'ko.
Bakit para siyang nagmamadali? Ayaw niya ba 'kong kasabay? Sabi niya, maglalakad
kami sa labas ng bahay pero parang allergic na naman siya sa'kin.
Tha gate opened to a dewy morning. Manipis ang sikat ng araw na lumalagos sa maulap
pang langit, pero dinig ang huni ng ilang ibon sa paligid. The tall trees lining up
the streets were dripping with dew and raindrops. Kumikinang ang bawat bagay na may
bakas ng ulan-ang mga dahon, halaman, at damo sa paligid; ang mga upuan at laruan
sa park; ang mga bahay.
I was busy enjoying the morning and catching up to Prof.'s steps. Nang hindi ko na
kaya ang hingal ko, kumapit ako sa braso niya.
"Wait lang, Prof. Ang bilis mo maglakad. Lalo akong nagugutom," sabi ko sa kanya.
Tinanggal niya ang kamay ko nang hindi man lang tumitingin sa'kin. But he did slow
down.
The hell with my updo and lipgloss. Mukhang wala naman siyang balak na tumingin
sa'kin. Parang may galit na naman siya samantalang ang gentle niya kanina lang. Mas
gusto niya siguro talaga 'yung curvy na gaya ni Lua. Ang laki ng boobs n'on eh.
"Hey," sita niya sa'kin.
"Ano 'yun, Prof.?" tanong ko sa kanya at ngumiti.
Kumunot lang ang noo niya at umiling. "Wala."
Tss. Wala na naman. Wala. Nothing. Don't. Yes. No. Bilang na nga lang ang sinasabi
niyang salita, kapos pa sa syllables.
Communication skill level: pang-baby.
Napangiti ako. Para siyang baby na may sumpong. Except kapag sinasabihan niya 'ko
ng stupid at kapag para siyang professor na nagle-lecture. He's way cuter, then.
No. He's manly, then.
He tsked at namulsa. Ano kayang problema nito? Saka, bakit namumula 'yung tainga
niya?
"Hurry up," sabi niya at nilakihan na naman ang hakbang.
Masama ko siyang tiningnan. I might be wrong. Mas tama sigurong isipin na parang
sumpunging matanda si Prof.
"Okay ka na, Prof.? Hindi ka na nahihilo?" tanong ko.
"Hindi na."
"Sa'n tayo kakain?"
"You'll see."
Sumimangot ako sa dead end.
"Papasok ka na sa trabaho ngayon?" he asked.
"Kung wala ka na talagang sakit," sabi ko.
"Why am I in the equation?" tanong niya uli at tumingin sandali sa'kin.
Nagkibit-balikat ako. "Basta lang. Mag-aalala 'ko sa'yo eh."
"Pumasok ka ngayon."
Wala akong choice? I wanted to ask but kept my mouth shut. Sumimangot na lang ako.
Nakalabas kami ng subdivision, lumiko sa ilang kalye, at hindi ko na alam kung
nasa'n kami. Basta nakarating na lang kami sa isang malaking kainan na
napapalibutan ng malalaking puno at iba't ibang halaman. It was like a garden lost
in the middle of a city, na tinayuan ng establishment na gawa sa kahoy at concrete
para may masilungan ang mga tao.
I didn't know that something like that place existed. I never heard of it.
We were welcomed by beautiful people inside. Napapatanga ako. Kumaway sa'min si
Lolo Dimos na nasa isa sa mga mesa. Do'n kami naupo.
"Kumusta, mga apo?" he asked wistfully, bago bumaling kay Prof. "I heard you were
sick."
Nasa kaliwa ko sa Prof. sa pang-apatang mesa. Katapat namin si Lolo. Nahahati ang
atensyon ko sa paglinga sa mga tao roon at sa pakikinig sa usapan nila. At bakit
nga pala nandito si Lolo?
"I was," sagot ni Prof.
"Si Lua ang nagsabi sa'kin," sabi pa ni Lolo at tumingin sa'kin. "You're not
wearing your necklace today, Natalie?"
Napakapa ako sa dibdib ko. "Naputol po kasi 'yung chain. Mamaya ko pa lang po
maipapaayos."
Tumango siya. Dinama ko naman sa bulsa ng jeans ko 'yung kwintas at balahibo.
"Uh... nagtaka po akong nandito kayo, Lolo. Pauwi na po ba kayo sa'tin?"
"Oo. Pero aalis din ako uli," maiksing sagot niya.
Ngumiti lang ako.
Nang lumapit sa'min ang isang attendant, hinayaan kong sina Prof. at Lolo ang
umorder. While eating, they talked about Lua again but I still couldn't make sense
if she's a girlfriend or what.
***
Kahit medyo late ay pumasok na 'ko sa clinic. Doktora and Miss Van were glad to see
me. Binigyan pa 'ko ng free food supplements ni Doktora. Kailangan daw na malakas
ang katawan ko.
I assisted to two sessions that morning and then we left for the afternoon. Sa
kotse ni Doktora kami nakasakay. Pupunta raw kami sa lamay ni Mary Ann to offer our
condolences to the family. It was actually brave on Doktora's part kasi sabi ni
Miss Van, no'ng hindi ako pumasok, nagpunta sa clinic 'yung parents ni Mary Ann at
kinuwestyon si Doktora. Bakit daw hindi nalaman ni Doktora na mentally troubled si
Mary Ann. Hindi namin alam kung naiintindihan nila na hindi pwedeng basta
manghimasok nang gano'n, lalo na sa isang taong hindi naman humihingi ng tulong.
By two going three in the afternoon, we arrived at a big funeral house inside a
prominent subdivision in the Metro. Mahirap mag-park sa dami ng kotseng nakaparada.
Naka-business suit karamihan ng mga taong nakikiramay. Even the food they were
offering were grand-sparkling wine and hors d'oeuvres.
Pero kung gaano karami ang tao, gano'n din karami ang death gods at anino.
Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa kuwintas kong pinalitan ko muna ng chain. Panay ang bulong
ko no'ng magic word para kumalma. The death gods can see me the way I see them.
Hinanap namin ang mga magulang nina Mary Ann at Katherine. We offered our
condolences. Akala ko, hindi kami magtatagal dahil may kinakausap na iba 'yung
mother ng magkapatid, pero hinatak ni Katherine si Doktora sa isa sa mga kuwarto
para kausapin. Si Miss Van naman, kinausap ng tatay. Ako lang ang naiwan na malapit
sa ataul.
I don't like funerals nor burial. Mula pagkabata ko, ang dami ko nang nakitang
kamatayan. My mother died one day while I was in school. Bigla na lang akong
sinundo nina Sister Millie sa elementary at sinabing wala na ito. One of the
sisters in the orphanage died of cancer. Si Father Joey na pinakamatandang pari
noon sa simbahan at laging nagdadala sa'kin sa mga perya, naaksidente sa kalsada.
No'ng high school, 'yung teacher na nag-offer dapat sa'kin ng scholarship, namatay
sa pagtulog. At nitong college lang, isa sa mga naging professors na malapit
sa'kin, naaksidente rin.
Death hovered around me since I was young that I was sick of it.
"You came, human," narinig kong sabi ng isang boses.
I froze. It was that grey-eyed death god, I'm sure.
"You almost succeeded in interfering with her fate," patuloy niya.
Nakatungo ako, mahigpit ang hawak sa kuwintas ko, pero nakikita ko sa peripheral
ang death god sa kanan.
"You're killing off the death god who gave you that feather."
Lalo akong nanlamig. "What?" I asked, almost a whisper.
"Interfering with a person's designed death is taboo. You're interference will make
your death god suffer."
Oh my God. Sinasabi ba niyang hindi lang sakit at injury ko ang titiisin ng death
god na nagbigay sa'kin ng balahibo kundi pati na ang parusa sa pakikialam ko?
"But I didn't succeed," sabi ko.
"It doesn't matter whether you succeeded or not. Every interference has a price."
Lumunok ako. I'm so sorry, dumb death god. I didn't know.
"Si Mary Ann..." bulong kong nakatungo pa rin, "what happened to her? What's going
to happen to her soul? Is she at peace? She pained, right?"
"She's here, right now. I'm showing her her funeral."
"What?" napalakas na tanong ko at bumaling sa kanya. Napatingin sa'kin ang ilang
bisita kaya tumungo uli ako. "I couldn't see her."
"Of course. She's not for you to see."
I bit my lip. Ano kayang iniisip niya ngayong nakikita niya ang sarili niyang
funeral? Is she regretting, yet?
"She was sorry for leaving her sister behind but otherwise she accepted her sin,"
sabi ng death god. "You see, human, her death is a wake-up call to her parents and
to your slow society which doesn't recognize the horrors at mental disorders. Years
from now, her life will be featured by magazines and shows as a case study for
people with mental issues. People will know her pain."
Kumunot ang noo ko. "Did she die just for that? Just for a wake-up call?"
"What makes you think less of that? Don't you know how narcissistic and self-
absorbed your society is?"
"I know. But is it all there is to her life?" I asked.
"Of course not. You're getting it wrong. That's all there is to her death. The
value of her life is another matter."
Hindi ako kumibo.
"The Higher Power is perfect in knowledge, human. No life is of lesser value to the
Creator. Every little thing serves a purpose in the grand scheme of things. He
designed a perfect system to keep the balance in this realm to other realms. Just
because it looks meaningless to you, doesn't mean it was entirely meaningless.
"Humans vision of the future is always limited. Humans judgment of the past is
always biased. You, who have a limited vision and a biased judgment should trust a
perfected system when it's doing its job. Do not question the Creator."
"I'm sorry," bulong ko.
"Mary Ann wants to thank you for caring about her. She was sorry you have to see
her death."
"Tell her I'm okay," sabi ko. "She's going to be okay, right?"
"I told you, the Higher Power is perfect in knowledge. She will be alright."
"Thank you."
When I felt the death god disappeared, nanghihina akong napasapo sa dibdib ko. His
words rang in my ear.
"Humans vision of the future is always limited. Humans judgment of the past is
always biased. You, who have a limited vision and a biased judgment should trust a
perfected system when it's doing its job. Do not question the Creator."
Mai-stupid na naman ako ng dumb death god kung narinig niya ang pakikipag-usap ko
sa isa pang death god na gaya niya.
"When you wake up, see the world in a new light."
I should.
I should question my own judgments rather than questioning the judgment of a
knowledge and a mercy higher than mine.
***
Papadilim na nang makaalis kami sa funeral house. Nag-dinner pa kami nina Doktora
sa labas at napag-usapan si Katherine. Her parents wanted her to stop going to the
clinic but she disagreed. Ayaw niya raw magaya sa ate niya.
Inihatid ako nina Doktora hanggang sa gate ng subdivision. Tapos, bumili ako ng
donut para ipasalubong kay Prof.
It was almost ten in the evening when I reached the house. Ngayon na lang uli ako
umuwi nang late mula nang lagi kaming nagsasabay kumain ni Prof. I wonder if he was
worrying about me.
I was about to ring the bell when I heard footsteps approaching.
Why is she late? This stupid human is making me agitated.
Napakunot-noo ako. Luminga sa paligid. Am I hearing things? Parang narinig ko si
Prof.
Bumukas ang gate. Nakasimangot si Prof. Ngumiti naman ako at itinaas ang box ng
donut.
"Hello, Prof! Sorry po kung late ako. May pinuntahan kami nina Doktora."
"Get in," sabi niya.
Nginitian ko lang siya. Pumasok ako. Hinintay ko siyang mag-lock ng gate bago ako
sumabay sa kanya papasok ng bahay.
"Kumain ka na, Prof? Kumain na 'ko kasabay nina Doktora. Pero may dala 'kong donut
para sa'yo."
He grunted.
"Ayaw mo ng donut?"
Humarap siya sa'kin matapos niyang mag-lock naman ng main door ng bahay.
"You're tired. Forget the donut, wash up, and sleep. You have clinic tomorrow,"
sabi niya.
Hindi ako kumibo agad. Bakit kasi niya 'ko itinataboy?
"Are you angry?" I asked him.
Ang bilis ng balik niya. "Are you stupid? What makes you think I'm angry?"
"Because you look like you are?"
Nagbuga siya ng hangin. "I'm not angry, Natalie."
"Okay."
Pero magkatinginan pa rin kami.
"Next time, if you're going to be late, call."
Lumunok ako. "Call? Ano'ng call, Prof.?"
"Call me."
Napa-Ah ako. "Pa'no po? May cellphone kayo?"
"May phone tayo rito sa bahay."
Another Ah. Oo nga pala. May phone kami. Hindi ko lang alam ang number.
"Naghintay po kayo?"
Hindi siya kumibo.
"Sorry, Prof. Tatawag po ako agad next time."
He sighed. "It's better not to be late."
Tumango ako.
"Go to your room and rest." Kunot-noo siyang tumingin sa donut. "Bukas na lang
'yan. Kung uuwi ka nang maaga."
Pinigilan kong ngumiti nang malapad. "Sige, Prof., lagay ko lang 'to sa-"
Pero nakuha na niya ang box sa kamay ko. "Ako na."
I followed him to the kitchen. Inilagay niya ang donut sa loob ng fridge. Kumuha
naman ako ng tubig at uminom.
"Matutulog ka na rin, Prof.?" tanong ko habang nakasunod naman sa kanya palabas ng
kusina.
"Yes."
Monosyllabic.
"Okay po."
He walked to the living room to the direction of his room.
"Matutulog na rin ako, Prof.," sabi ko. "Goodnight!"
Humugong lang siya. Hindi na naman lumingon.
Sungit talaga. Pero sumigaw uli ako nang nasa hagdan na 'ko para kunin ang atensyon
niya. "Goodnight, Prof!"
Goodnight, stupid.
Natigil ako sa pag-akyat. Kumapit ako sa balustre at lumingon. He's almost to his
door.
"Ano 'yun, Prof.?" tawag ko.
Lumingon siyang kunot-noo. "What?"
"I thought you said something?"
"I didn't say anything," sabi niya.
"Ah..." I was hearing things? "Sorry po."
"Rest, Natalie." Tumalikod na siya, binuksan ang pinto niya at pumasok sa kuwarto.
Umakyat na rin ako sa kuwarto ko. I thought I really heard him say goodnight. #
0248ma/06282017

Chapter 10: The name I should call you

The gift of forgetting is given by death gods to mortals along with the gift of
life. Revealing oneself to a human-in-question subjects a death god to unfavorable
power shift.

***
Halos dalawang oras lang ang naging tulog ko nang nagdaang gabi pero nagising akong
magaan ang katawan. Sinubukan kong ayusin pa sana 'yung lumang chain ng kwintas ko
na naputol. I ended up braiding and stringing yarns through the night, in case I
need chains again.
Pagbaba ko ng kumedor, nakaupo na sa hapag sina Lolo Dimos at Prof. Henry. I was
ready for the day. I greeted them good morning habang nagsasalin ng kape si Prof.
sa mug ni Lolo.
'Yung cowlicks na naman ni Prof... agaw-pansin. Dapat sanay na 'ko sa tikwas ng mga
'yun pero ngayong umaga, rebellious silang lahat. It was sticking out in every
direction as if he tossed and turned all night in his bed. Ang cute.
Umubo si Prof.
"Sit down, apo," sabi ni Lolo sa'kin.
Naupo naman ako. Pinlantsa ko pa ng palad ko 'yung blouse ko. Inilagay naman ni
Prof. sa tagiliran ng plato ko 'yung mug ng kape.
"May lakad ka ngayon?" tanong ni Lolo habang nag-aabutan kami ng kanin at ulam sa
mesa. We have brown rice, fried chicken, eggs, pancit, at biko. I always wonder
kung pa'nong nakakapagluto nang mabilis at gano'n karami si Prof. tuwing umaga.
"Meron po, Lolo. May clinic po kami today pero hanggang lunch lang. Baka po umuwi
rin ako agad sa hapon, kung hindi naman ako magtatagal sa ampunan na pupuntahan
ko," sagot ko. I was scheduled to visit another orphanage for the day. Dadaan din
ako sa mall para bumili ng bagong damit. "Kayo po? Aalis po kayo today?"
Ngumuya muna si Lolo bago sumagot. "Yes. May mga aasikasuhin ako."
Sumulyap ako kay Prof. na katapat ko. "Ikaw, Prof.? May lakad ka today?"
"None."
Monosyllabic as usual. Mas may lakad pa si Lolo Dimos kaysa sa kanya. Ano kayang
ginagawa niya sa bahay maghapon?
My eyes lingered on him. Medyo malalim ang mata ni Prof. Parang matamlay rin siya.
"May sakit ka uli, Prof.?" tanong ko sa kanya.
"Wala akong sakit. Hindi lang ako nakatulog nang maayos," sagot niya.
Masama pa rin ang tingin ko. Hindi naman siya nagsisinungaling, 'di ba? Like, he's
really sick and will call on Lua once Lolo Dimos and I were gone. Tapos,
magkukulong na naman sila sa kuwarto at bawal istorbohin.
"I said I'm not sick," asik ni Prof. at sinalubong ang mata ko.
I was caught off guard with his sharp tone. Ano bang masamang itinanong ko?
Narinig namin ang paghigop ni Lolo Dimos ng kape. "You're edgy, Henry."
Nagbuga ng hangin si Prof. pero ni hindi sumulyap kay Lolo. "I'm just tired."
Tahimik akong sumubo. The air in the room was awkward. Like something's wrong but I
couldn't put my finger on it.
Tumayo si Lolo, lumapit sa fridge, at pagbalik ay may hawak nang dalawang tasa ng
kung ano. He placed one cup in front of Prof. and the other in front of me.
"Inumin n'yo. Herbal 'yan. Parehas kayong maputla," sabi ni Lolo bago bumalik sa
upuan niya. He resumed eating breakfast and sipping coffee.
Sinilip ko 'yung laman ng tasa na ibinigay ni Lolo. The liquid inside was somewhat
reddish. Inamoy ko pa. It smelled sweet.
Sinulyapan ko si Prof. na basta na lang tinungga ang laman ng tasa. Kumunot lang
nang bahagya ang noo niya pero bumalik din agad siya sa pagsubo. If he drank it
just like that, maybe it was really good. Ginaya ko siya.
Gumuhit na parang alak ang likido sa lalamunan hanggang sa tiyan ko. My vision
blurred and my ears rang for a moment. It didn't matter that it was sweet. It felt
intoxicating.
I shook my head.
"Ano 'yun, Lolo?" tanong ko nang okay na ang paningin ko. "Parang alak."
"It's good for you."
Napatingin ako kay Prof. na kumakain na uli. He looked brighter kaysa kanina.
Gano'n ba kabilis ang epekto no'ng herbal medicine? Bakit ako, parang napagod?
"Parang maganda nga po kay Prof. 'yun. Mag-iwan pa kayo nang marami, Lolo. Baka
magkasakit na naman si Prof. eh. Kailangan niya 'yun," sabi ko.
"I will, apo. Tapusin mo na 'yang pagkain mo," sabi ni Lolo.
Nahihilo pa rin ako nang kaunti sa tonic o herbal or whatever na pinainom ni Lolo
pero bumalik na 'ko sa pagkain.
***
Nag-sort kami ng records at reports sa clinic. Bihira mag-open si Doktora ng
Sabado. Usually, kapag nag-aayos lang kami ng files, nagpapa-general cleaning, o
nagpapa-pest control. Wala pang tanghalian, nagsara rin agad kami. Nagbilin lang si
Doktora na pumasok ako nang maaga pagka-Lunes dahil naka-leave si Miss Van. May
bagong trainee raw na darating at ako ang magre-receive.
From the office, I dropped by a nearby mall and bought new clothes-two blouses, one
soft pants, and one dress. Bumili rin ako ng naka-sale na make-up kit. I don't
usually apply make-up but I'm interested now. I want to be more presentable at
work.
It's a little after one in the afternoon when I arrived at the orphanage I was
visiting. Doon ko na kinain 'yung pabaong lunch ni Prof. He's really weird and
temperamental. Akala ko kanina, naiinis siya sa'kin pero bago ako umalis, nag-abot
ng pagkain. Sabi pa niya, "Don't be late today."
Alam niya bang bawal 'yung ginagawa niya? Ang hirap niyang basahin at intindihin.
Walang theory sa psychology ang nag-a-apply sa kanya. And he's making me feel
funny. Lagi akong napapatingin sa kanya. Lagi rin akong nag-aabang kung kailan niya
'ko papansinin. At kapag parang hindi okay ang pakiramdam niya, nag-aalala na agad
ako. Hindi naman ako worrier.
I was toured inside the orphanage by one of the nuns. Ipinakita sa'kin ang common
areas at sleeping quarters. Ipinakita rin sa'kin ang ilang artworks na projects daw
ng mga bata for recreation. Mababa ang adoption rate nila. Marami nang teenagers.
Some of them has shadows of self-abuse.
Tatlong oras ang itinagal ko ro'n bago ako sumakay pauwi. I was inside the taxi
when I saw Kyros sitting at a bench in the park. Bumaba ako.
Pinigilan kong bumati agad kay Kyros. Umupo ako nang may distansiya sa bench kung
nasaan siya.
"I thought you were gone," sabi ko sa kanya. Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko sa shoulder
bag ko at nagkunwaring nagta-type.
"Nagbakasyon lang ako," sabi niya.
"Nagbabakasyon kayong mga death gods? Pwede? Parang leave, gano'n?"
"Not everyone. 'Yung mga gaya ko lang. Nagbakasyon ang binabantayan ko kaya
nakabakasyon din ako."
Nangunot ang noo ko. "What do you mean gaya mo? How are you different from other
karmic death gods?"
"I was a guardian of karma for a particular bloodline." Itinuro ni Kyros ang
malaking bahay sa tapat namin. "Every girl in that family is cursed to die at a
certain age. I track their karma."
Wala akong naiintindihan sa sinasabi niya. May karma ba na exclusive lang sa iisang
lineage?
"It's a special case. You won't understand it. It's a long story," sabi pa niya.
Dumutdot ako sa cellphone ko. Tumigil. I didn't voice out my thoughts, so how was
he able to answer them?
"No'ng huling beses ko pang napapansin... can you read my mind? Tuwing nag-uusap
tayo, parang sinasagot mo 'yung mga nasa isip ko eh," tanong ko.
"Death gods can read a humans mind when we are at a certain proximity. We are given
certain abilities." He smiled. "Why are you looking for me?"
Humawak ako sa balahibo sa kwintas ko. Akala ko, exclusive 'yung pagbabasa ng isip
sa death god na nakalaan para sa'kin. Kahit pala ibang death god, kaya akong
basahin. "Hindi pa rin kasi dumarating 'yung death god para kunin sa'kin 'tong
balahibo niya," sagot ko. Huminga ako nang malalim. "Kailan siya darating? I want
to be ready."
Mahinang tumawa si Kyros. Nang sulyapan ko siya, nakatingala na siya uli sa
malaking puno.
"Humans... Your obsession for certainty and preparedness is a rare thing."
Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa cellphone ko. May mali ba sa tanong ko?
"Pa'no mo hinihintay ang death god na kukuha niyan sa'yo? Do you expect him to
appear in front of you like the death gods you're seeing?" he asked me.
"Yes. I think, pwede ko siyang makita gaya ng kung pa'no ko kayo nakikitang lahat?"
I said with apprehension.
He smiled in amusement. "If you see him in his celestial form, you're going to die.
He's the death god in charge of your death, Natalie. He cannot just appear in front
of you."
Napaawang ang labi ko. "Eh 'di pa'no..."
"There are three ways he can retrieve his feather from you," simula ni Kyros. "One,
to appear in his celestial form and take it. That's the surest way. But seeing him
face to face will lead to your death. From what I've seen from the feather you're
wearing, he prayed for your life. He wouldn't want you to die just because you
miraculously grab a feather from his wings.
"Two, he can borrow your body as a spirit and burn that feather. That's the easiest
way but the trickiest, too. If he missed the one chance it was possible, he won't
be able to. But given the time that passed since you've got a hold of that feather,
it's very possible that he missed that chance.
"Three, he can take a mortal form and take that feather secretly. That's the least
painful for a mortal like you, but it is the most painful for celestial beings like
us.
"We aren't suited to live inside a mortal body. Mortal things are unnatural to us.
A celestial being inside a flesh is a suffering entity. To us, the mortal flesh
amplifies everything that is of normal measure to humans-pain, feelings,
sufferings. A small wound to you is a deadly blow to us. A light pinch to you is a
crushed bone to us. A little interference from you is a hell of punishment to us.
"Given the time you're holding that feather, even if it's possible that he took on
a mortal form, he's yet to retrieve the feather.
"Out of those three, what do you think is the method he will choose for you?"
Hindi ako makasagot. My mind was racing in making sense of the things he told me.
"If in case, he chooses the first method and faces you, what will you do? Will you
give the feather to him and allow yourself to die?
"If he chooses to borrow your body, are you willing to face unnameable
complications as the consequence of grabbing something sacred?
"If he chooses the last method and shows himself to you as a mortal being, are you
going to let him steal his feather back?
"Each one has a consequence depending on your karma. What are you going to do?"
Ikinulong ko sa palad ko ang balahibo at huminga nang malalim. Ano ba talagang
hiniling ko kaya nakuha ko ang isa sa mga balahibo ng death god ko? Did I wish to
see him? Did I wish to thank him? Did I wish... to remember?
"Whatever's the case, when you do see him, don't call out his celestial name to his
face. Don't pray on your feather, too," dagdag ni Kyros. "It will be dangerous
either for you or for him."
Tumayo si Kyros mula sa bench.
"But I don't even know his name," sabi ko.
Ngumiti siya at tumingin sa bagay na kuyom ko. "Silly. I already told you."
Tumalikod si Kyros sa'kin. "Time's up."
"Sandali!"
Pero naglaho na uli siya sa hangin.
***
Halos tulala akong nakarating sa tapat ng bahay. While walking, I was thinking
about what Kyros said. If I put the death god's messages into consideration, he did
want me to live. He prayed for me to have another shot in life. If forcefully
retrieving the feather from me will bring me death, he wouldn't do it that way. I'm
quite sure. The other two methods seem preferable.
If in case he will choose the method of borrowing my body, when was the given time?
When I was cursed to die, I can only talk to the dumb death god every full moon
when all kinds of death were after me. If there was some kind of a phase for him to
borrow my body, it should be when I was the most vulnerable to him, right? A few
full moons passed and the feather was still with me. Does that mean that the option
to borrow my body also failed?
And if that's the case, then the only option open to retrieve this thing from me
was...
'Why is she just standing by the gate?'
Napakurap ako. Narinig ko na naman ang boses ni Prof. Napahilot ako sa earlobes ko.
Ganito rin ang nangyari kagabi. I was by the gate and Prof. Henry opened it for me
even before I rang the doorbell.
I heard footsteps approaching.
'What are you thinking about, stupid human?'
Lalo akong napatuwid ng tayo.
That voice. That phrase. There was only one in this world who called me that.
Bumukas ang gate at bumungad si Prof. Henry. I didn't move. I couldn't. Nakatingala
lang ako sa kanya. Nakatingin sa mga mata niya.
If the death god will take on a mortal form, he needs to be close to me for a
chance to retrieve his feather. He needs a lot of time near me for that chance.
If the death god will take on a mortal form, he will get sick and get injured on my
stead. He will suffer the punishment of my interference with any designed death.
Although he lives in a mortal body, he might still abide by the rules he always
imposed on humans: Don't call his name. Don't stare into his eyes. Don't touch him.
Don't walk beside him.
He will be near me but detached. He will be gentle but restricting. He will be kind
but strict.
He might hear my thoughts. Kaya madalas nakakunot ang noo niya kapag may weird
akong naiisip. Kaya nailuluto niya kung ano ang gusto kong kainin. Kaya alam niya
ang lahat ng ipinag-aalala at nararamdaman ko kahit na hindi kami nag-uusap. He
wouldn't need to talk to me so he wouldn't talk to me.
He will recognized me as the tenant kahit na dumating akong may ibang kasama at
dapat ay unang beses naming pagkikita 'yun.
He will call me stupid-his favorite adjective.
Kumunot ang noo ni Prof. sa pagkakahinang ng mata namin.
"Why are you staring? What's the problem?" he asked.
He can't seem to hear my thoughts right now.
Umiling ako. "Wala po, Prof."
"Let's get inside."
Pumasok ako. Pinanood ko siyang magsara ng tarangkahan.
The warm light on the gate's column played on his cowlicks. Shadows silhouetted the
angles of his body and the gentleness of his face.
Kung siya ang death god na hinihintay ko, bakit nasa akin pa rin ang feather? Bakit
hindi niya kunin? Sigurado akong sobrang dami na ng pagkakataong nakita niya para
bawiin ang pag-aari niya. Anuman ang consequence ng ginawa ko, it's my fault. He
should take what is his. Nagkasakit na siya dahil sa'kin. Nasugatan. Nahihirapan
siyang mabuhay sa isang mortal na katawan.
Kaya bakit?
Pagpihit ni Prof., tumalikod naman ako at umunang lumakad sa porch.
'She's awfully quiet.'
Why can I hear him when I'm not looking at him?
Natigilan ako sa paghakbang at nanlamig.
Oo nga. Parang naririnig ko siya kapag hindi kami magkaharap. At siya, parang hindi
na 'ko naririnig?
If Kyros already told me the name of the dumb death god on my phone, there is one
way I can check if Prof. Henry is that death god.
Humawak ako sa feather sa necklace ko at pumikit. Ibinulong ko ang kaisa-isang
salita na pwedeng pangalan niya.
"Athos..."
I felt him froze up.
'Don't call me, stupid.'
Nanghina ang tuhod ko. Hindi ako makahakbang habang naririnig ko ang yabag niya
palapit sa likuran ko. When he was but a few steps away, humarap ako sa kanya.
I looked him in the eye as I clutched the feather.
"What?" he asked.
You can't hear me right now? tanong ko sa kanya sa isipan ko.
"What is it?" tanong uli niya.
Hindi nga niya 'ko naririnig kapag nakaharap ako sa kanya. Something changed from
the way we are since we saw each other again. But to him, I am still stupid. And to
me, he is still...
"You're dumb," sabi ko sa kanya at ngumiti.
Nagusot ang mukha niya sa'kin. "What did you say?"
Mahina akong tumawa at tumalikod.
'How dare this crazy human call me dumb. I'm a lot older than you, stupid.'
Humigpit ang hawak ko sa balahibo bago ako pumasok sa loob ng bahay.
What am I going to do? Now that I know he's that dumb death god, I like him even
more. #0522h/06292017

Chapter 11 : I want to love you

A human being bequeathed with a celestial item from a death god may share one or
more of the following abilities: prophecy, telepathy, healing, and vanishment. An
unbequethed item, however, robs instead of shares.

***
Kinabukasan, maaga akong umalis ng bahay. Nagpalipas ako ng maghapon sa university
kahit na araw ng Linggo at hindi naman 'yun ang plano. The original plan was to
stay at home and read some books in preparation for my thesis. Pero dahil sa
nalaman ko, ayokong maiwang mag-isa kasama si Prof. o si Athos.
I was scared that he would read my mind. Baka malaman niyang alam ko na kung sino
siya at magkaroon ng confrontation. If his mission is to secretly take the feather
from me, that means I couldn't let him know that I know about it. Baka mapahamak na
naman siya dahil sa'kin. Ayoko.
For months now, my heart aches for someone forgotten. Sa tuwing babasahin ko ang
mga messages niya sa cellphone ko, sumasaya ako, lumulungkot, nangungulila. I was
happy that someone cared so much for me. I was sad that I have forgotten about him.
I was missing someone I couldn't remember.
Hindi ko siya naaalala pero hinahanap-hanap ko siya. Wala pa siyang mukha sa isipan
ko, gusto ko na siyang makita. At ngayong alam ko na ang pangalan niya, nakikita ko
ang mukha niya, at abot-kamay ko siya... mas mabigat ang dibdib ko.
I'm ecstatic I could see him again. I'm sad knowing I'm causing him pain. And I
long for him more.
I like him as that death god. But now I like him more as a man.
I have no way of dealing with all these feelings and thoughts with him around. Kaya
lumabas ako at tumunganga. Iniyakan ko 'yung pabaon niyang pagkain. At naghintay
akong lumipas ang oras.
Pagdating ng gabi, sinundo ko si Eunice sa ospital kung saan ang internship niya.
Monday-Tuesday ang off niya. Makikitulog ako sa bahay nila.
"Why'd you come? May problema talaga sa apo ni Lolo Dimos? Tell me, dali!" tanong
ni Eunice. Nakapantulog na kami at naka-indian sit sa kama niya kaharap ang isang
malaking plato ng prutas at chips.
Nailing ako. Iyon at iyon ang tanong niya mula kaninang makita niya 'ko.
"Mabait si Prof. Masungit lang minsan," sabi ko at kumuha ng piraso ng mansanas.
"Contradicting 'yun, ha? Mabait pero masungit!"
Hindi ko muna kinontra si Eunice. She narrated in detail the first time we met
Prof. Nawiwili akong manood sa likot niyang magkwento. Parang hindi siya napagod sa
internship niya.
"I'm wondering about something..." sabi ko kay Eunice.
"Ano?" Sumubo siya ng chips.
"Do you believe in angels?"
Napatanga sa'kin si Eunice. I'm sure, she wasn't expecting the question.
"Yes," sagot niya. "Lalo na no'ng may nakakita sa'yo sa freezer tapos nabuhay ka.
The doctor said na kung mas mababa pa ang temperature sa freezer o kung nakita ka
nang mas late, hindi ka makakaligtas. But you are alive and well. Wala kang naging
complications. Someone like an angel must have watched over you that night, right?
Or else, how was it possible?"
Ngumiti ako. She was right. Someone did watch over me. "How about angels of death?
Do you think they exist?"
Nagkibit-balikat siya. "I don't know. Why all these questions? Ikaw? Naniniwala
ka?"
"I'm just thinking... what if they are real? What if they meet with mortals like
us? What if a mortal fall in love with one? Ano sa tingin mo ang mangyayari?"
Eunice looked thoughtful with all my questions.
"Are you in love?" she asked and grinned.
"Sira! Ano nga sa tingin mo?" kulit ko. Napaiikot-ikot ko sa dip 'yung chips na
kanina ko pa hawak.
"Kung may human na mai-in love sa angel, baka tragic. 'Di ba gano'n 'yung sa mga
pelikula? City of Angels, tragic eh," she said. "Why are you curious? May na-meet
kang angel?"
Ngumiti ako. "Just curious. Lagi ngang tragic sa movies, 'no?"
"Yes. Magkaiba kasi tayo ng kind, eh. Angels are heavenly beings. Tayo, humans.
Angels have free will daw pero parang hindi sila nagkakaroon ng kasalanan. We have
free will but we always sin. They have perfect faith with the Almighty. We are
weak." Nagkibit-balikat uli siya.
"Tingin mo, gano'n lang 'yun? I mean... dahil magkaiba ng kinds ang angels at
humans, hindi na sila pwedeng magkatuluyan?"
"Sabi sa movies at books."
Natahimik kami. Bumuntonghininga ako.
"Ang lalim, ah. Bakit ba kasi?" she asked again. "There's something you're not
telling me."
Umiling ako uli. "Wala nga. I'm just wondering. Alam mo naman ako, kung anu-anong
naiisip."
Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang kumain na lang ng chips si Eunice. Para siyang
psychic minsan. Kahit anong tanggi ko kapag may problema ako o malalim na iniisip,
parang nararamdaman niya. Magaling naman akong magtago.
"Pa'no nga kaya 'no? Hanggang do'n na lang kaya 'yun?" bulong ko.
"Ang alin?"
"Kapag na-in love ang isang human sa isang celestial being... tragic na lang ba
lagi?"
"I think so," sabi ni Eunice. "Kasi sa una pa lang, they're not dwelling on the
same space na, 'di ba? Hindi nga sila dapat magkakilala eh. I mean... parang walang
chance to meet."
"What if for some reason, they do meet?"
"So? Who fall for who?" Ngumiti siya. "Sige, halimbawa, may nagkakilalang angel at
human. Possible na ma-in love ang isang tao sa isang anghel. Pero 'yung angel sa
isang tao? How? They're not the same kind. The angel probably knows other angels or
other beings pa. Why would an angel fall for a sinful, imperfect human being?"
Natawa ako sa sarili ko. Oo nga. It makes sense if I fall for that dumb death god.
He saved me. He prayed for me. He is suffering for me. But for him to like me even
one bit? It would be a miracle.
God. Nakakahiya kapag nalaman ni Prof. 'tong mga iniisip ko.
"So I think if an angel and a human being meet, a human might fall in love. Tapos,
tragic kasi one-sided." Ang lakas ng tawa ni Eunice. "Kung magkagustuhan naman
sila, parang tragic lang talaga kasi hindi naman sila pwedeng magkasama. Our
measure of love and being loved is when we can consummate it, right? If we can't,
tragic na agad 'yun."
Natawa ako habang umiiling. "What if we can love even without consummating it? What
if we can love even without the chance to fully express and consume it?"
Nangalumbaba siya. "I don't know. How are you going to be happy if you love like
that?"
"What if that can be enough for a person?"
"It is never enough for a person. People are insecure creatures. 'Yung mga may
relasyon nga na mahal na mahal na sila ng partner nila, hindi pa rin makontento
minsan eh. Even when we are totally loved, we still doubt. We always seek for
something more, never settling for something less. When we settle for something
less, we suffer. So, paano? How are we going to love without the need to share it
with the person we love?"
Ngumiti lang ako. She's right in everything. He and I are different. I shouldn't
even have this kind of feelings for him.
The right thing to do is to give him all the chances he needs to retrieve his
feather. That way, he could go back to where he truly belongs and resume his
duties. Hindi na siya masasaktan sa mortal na katawan na mayro'n siya. Hindi niya
kailangang maparusahan, masugatan, o magkasakit nang dahil sa'kin.
Yes. That's the right thing to do.
I sighed.
"Teka pala, tatawag muna ako sa bahay. Baka hintayin ako ni Prof.," sabi ko kay
Eunice at tumayo. "Pagamit ng phone sa sala."
"Phone? Wala bang cellphone si Prof.?" sabi ni Eunice. "At bakit ka niya
hihintayin?"
"He waits for me."
"Pinagbubuksan ka niya lagi ng gate, gano'n? Hindi ba parang ang hassle no'n?"
"Tatawag muna 'ko," sabi ko at lumabas ng kuwarto niya.
***
I went down the living room where their phone was. Nginitian ko ang kasambahay na
naabutan ko ro'n bago mag-dial.
Papabilis ang tibok ng puso ko kasabay ng ring. Napatuwid ako ng tayo nang marinig
kong may mag-angat ng linya. It was followed by Prof.'s voice.
"Natalie?"
I froze with him calling my name.
"Ano'ng oras ka uuwi?" he asked.
Napabuga ako ng hangin. God. Is it possible to plunge from liking him to falling
for him in just a day?
Tumikhim ako. Pumiyok. "Hi, Prof.!"
Kumalat ang init sa pisngi at tainga ko. Great. Ang plano ko ay siglahan ang boses
ko, hindi pumiyok!
"Is there something wrong? Nasa'n ka?" he asked again.
"Nandito ako kina Eunice, Prof." I swallowed. Naninikip ang lalamunan ko. Nanunuyo.
"Hindi ako uuwi."
There was silence on the line.
"Why?" he asked afterwards.
"Ha?" I couldn't think straight. "Ano... na-miss ko lang si Eunice."
We fell silent. I heard him sigh.
"You have clinic tomorrow."
"Yes. Dito na 'ko manggagaling."
"Kumain ka na?"
"Yes."
More silence.
"Ikaw? Kumain ka na?" I asked and bit my lip. My heart was racing even with simple
questions.
"Not yet. I was waiting for you."
Napa-Ah ako. "Sorry."
"It's okay."
Natahimik uli kami pero walang nagbababa ng telepono.
"Uh... Ano... 'Yun lang, Prof. Tumawag lang ako para magsabi."
"Yes."
More silence.
"Sige, Prof. Bye. Goodnight."
Hindi siya agad sumagot. "Go home early tomorrow."
I swallowed. "Yes."
"Goodnight, Natalie," he said.
Beep na ang kasunod kong narinig.
Napahawak ako sa side table na nando'n. I clutched my necklace and closed my eyes.
Just because of a phone call, my heart is racing like crazy and I'm missing him.
Ito na ba 'yung one-sided?
Don't worry, dumb death god. I'll sleep well tonight even with though my thoughts
wander to you. I don't want you tired tomorrow because of me.
Bumalik na 'ko sa kuwarto pagkatapos.
***
Maaga akong pumasok sa clinic kinabukasan gaya ng bilin sa'kin. Pinahiram lang ako
ng dress ni Eunice at nilagyan ako ng make-up. Hinayaan ko na lang siya dahil wala
namang makakakita sa'kin.
Wala si Miss Van at hapon pa raw si Doktora. I waited for the new intern all
morning but no one came.
Dahil mag-isa ako sa clinic, ilang ulit akong natuksong gumamit ng telepono para
tumawag sa bahay. Napapaisip ako kung ano'ng ginagawa ni Prof. Pero ang weird kung
basta akong tatawag kaya inabala ko ang sarili ko.
I called patients to remind them of their scheduled sessions. I sorted records. I
thought about what to do to give Prof. a chance to retrieve his feather.
Nag-lunch akong mag-isa sa kainan sa katabing building at pagbalik ko, may lalaking
naghihintay sa labas ng clinic.
I casually walked up to the door and unlocked it.
Bumaling ako sa lalaki. "May kailangan kayo sa clinic?"
Tumikhim siya bago magsalita. "Ako 'yung bagong intern ni Dr. Novalle. I'm
scheduled for an orientation today."
Napatango ako. Hinagod siya ng tingin.
He was tall. Moreno. Maamo ang mukha pero prominente ang panga. Hindi siya mukhang
death god na nagkatawang-tao lang.
"Wala pa si Doktora pero nagbilin naman," sabi ko sa kanya.
Siya naman ang tumango. "If you want to check my credentials, here."
Iniabot niya sa'kin ang folder na dala niya. Kinuha ko. I read his resume and the
request letter from his university. I checked his I.D. He's a psychiatry student.
Jeremy Castelo.
Ngumiti ako sa kanya. "I'm an intern, too. I'm Natalie," sabi ko at iniabot ang
kamay ko.
He received my hand for a shake. Sabay kaming napabitaw sa gumapang na kuryente
roon. Literal na kuryente.
"Sorry!" sabi niya at kinuyom ang kamao niya.
Kinaskas ko ang palad ko sa hita ng damit ko. It burns. "It's okay. Ang lakas ng
static."
He smiled casually and agreed.
"Pasok ka. Mayamaya siguro, darating na si Doktora," sabi ko at binuksan ang pinto.
We went inside.
***
Nalibang ako nang kaunti dahil kay Jeremy. He's easy to talk to. Attentive pero
hindi intrusive. He only comments when necessary. Straightforward, too.
By three, dumating si Doktora at pinapasok sa opisina si Jeremy para kausapin.
Naiwan na uli ako sa pag-iisip kay Prof. After they talked, we added another desk
sa area namin ni Miss Van at official nang intern ang lalaki.
By exactly five, we were dismissed. And by six, I was standing outside the house,
listening to Prof.'s thoughts.
'She's home.'
Nagbuga ako ng hangin. Malulunod ako sa pakiramdam dahil lang sa boses niya.
Pumikit ako at nagtanong sa isip ko. Can you hear me? Kaya alam mong nandito na
'ko?
'Why was she standing outside too long?'
Mukhang hindi niya 'ko naririnig. Lumunok ako. I have to compose myself or else he
might notice that I can hear his thoughts.
I heard his footsteps before I get to ring the doorbell. I rang it, anyway.
He walked steadily to me. It's hard to explain how I could literally feel him
getting closer. The air constricts as he crossed our distance. My heart felt like
bursting as he gets near. Nang ang bakal na tarangkahan na lang ang nasa pagitan
namin, halos hindi na 'ko makahinga.
The gate slowly opened and showed his face. We stared at one another. Again.
His cowlicks was bathed by the column's light, asking to be smoothed. I restrained.
Nagbuga siya ng hangin. His caramel eyes softened. Ngumiti naman ako.
'This little thing... how dare you smile like that.'
"Maaga ako, Prof.," sabi ko at pumasok sa tarangkahan bago niya pa sabihin.
"I can see that."
Pinanood ko siyang magsara ng gate, pumihit sa akin, at lumakad. Sumabay ako sa
kanya papasok sa bahay.
'She's quiet again.'
Nakuyom ko ang kamao ko.
This is wrong. It's too much for me to hear his thoughts. I can hear his deep voice
loud in my head and it's making me soft.
"Kain na tayo, Prof. Magpapalit lang akong damit," sabi ko at nagmadali sa hagdan.
I want to put distance between us.
"Go slowly," he said. 'This clumsy thing. What would I do if you fall down?'
Tumango ako at maingat na humakbang. I could feel his eyes on me. Tinikis ko ang
sarili kong lumingon sa kanya.
But why was he watching me?
Nasa tuktok na 'ko ng hagdanan nang marinig ko siya.
'My chest hurt all night while I'm alone. Why am I relieved the moment I laid my
eyes on you?'
I took a sharp breath and ran to my room. I'm afraid to hear more.
Gaano kalayo ang distansiyang kailangan ko para hindi siya marinig? Why was he even
thinking about me instead of thinking about his feather? He was suffering because
of it! It should be the only thing in his mind. Hindi 'yung pag-uwi ko, 'yung
pagtahimik ko, 'yung kung malalaglag ba 'ko sa hagdan, o 'yung relief na makita
ako.
I shouldn't be troubling him.
I wanted to do right by him by not wondering if love is possible for him. It's
easier if he's indifferent. It's tolerable to be unrequited because I made up my
mind.
No matter how much I want to love him, he should go back to where he belongs. #
314ma/07012017

Chapter 12: If I hear you one more time

A human being holding an unbequethed celestial item longer than necessary, exposes
oneself to complicated changes.

***
'She's too quiet.'
'This girl usually blabbers. What's bothering her? Should I ask her?'
'The full moon's nearing again. I've been here for three full moons. Who will come
this time?'
'I can't hear her thoughts. I must be getting weak.'
'She's meekly eating.'
'I'm used to hearing your voice. You should speak, stupid human.'
Tumayo ako sa kinauupuan ko. Hindi ko na kaya. Nagdi-dinner dapat kami pero hindi
ako makanguya dahil naririnig ko siya. I can't even hear my own thoughts because of
his voice.
Siya lang ang nakikita ko kahit na dati pa. It's a torture kung siya na lang din
ang maririnig ko ngayon.
"Are you done?" tanong niya sa'kin, nakatitig. "You barely ate."
I looked him in the eye. It's an offense that he looked so passive and detached and
yet his thoughts... Ugh!
"I'm done. Pagod po kasi ako," dahilan ko. "Gusto ko nang matulog."
'She's lying.'
"I'm not!"
Nanlaki ang mata ko sa kanya. What the eff! I shouldn't answer to his thoughts!
"I'm not h-hungry!" bawi ko. "Gusto ko lang po talagang matulog na."
His caramel eyes darkened. 'You're lying.'
Kuyom ko ang kamao ko nang bumuntonghininga siya. Ngumiti nang matipid. "Go to
sleep, Natalie. Goodnight."
Tumungo ako. "Sorry. Goodnight, Prof."
Halos tumakbo ako palabas ng kumedor.
***
I tried my best to sleep and I thought I did slept. But even in my dreams, I was
thinking about him. I was smoothing his cowlicks. He was touching my hair. We were
walking in a beautiful garden full of blooms. Dandelion seeds were romantically
floating in the air.
Ilang ulit akong nagising at bumalik sa pagtulog. The dream is the same.
He was touching my hair. I was smoothing his cowlicks. The flowers were fragrant
all around us. Dandelion seeds were blowing on our way.
Sa pangatlong beses na nanaginip ako at nagising, gusto ko nang umiyak. Pumikit ako
at bumuntonghininga. Sinubukan ko kung pwede ko siyang marinig habang natutulog
siya. Is he dreaming the same? Are death gods like him ever dream? Do they even
sleep from where they were?
Sabi niya sa'kin dati, he's merciful. Ibig sabihin, may kakayahan ang mga tulad
niyang makaramdam ng awa kahit noon pa. Hanggang do'n lang kaya ang pakiramdam na
mayro'n sila? Nagmamahal ba sila romantically? Nasasaktan ba sila gaya ng tao?
Naghahangad? Nanghihinayang?
Kumakain ba sila do'n sa lugar nila? O wala silang uhaw at gutom? Napapagod ba
sila? Nasusugatan? Lagi lang ba silang pagala-gala sa kung saan para magbigay ng
kamatayan? Are they bounded by space and time? Or are they exempted? Kaya ba nilang
tumalon mula sa nakaraan patungo sa kasalukuyan? Nakikita ba nila ang hinaharap?
Paano dumadaloy ang oras para sa kanila? Ano'ng nararamdaman nila kapag nakikita
nila ang kabuuan ng buhay ng isang tao?
He's already so fascinating. He looks superior and powerful. He's already so far-
fetched, so out of bounds, that it hurts to want him.
Why are humans like us made capable of greed? Feelings like love is so needy. It
craves for attention; seeks for expression; yearns for consummation. It worships
and centers around the object of affection. It longs and misses and aches. It hurts
knowing a tragic end. Why can't it exist without the need to be fulfilled? Why
can't it beat without the need to be answered back? Why can't it hurt without
paralyzing the whole body? Why is it so contagious? Why is it so powerful? Why is
it so far-fetched?
I can't hear him. He must be sleeping by now.
Bumaba ako sa kusina para uminom ng tubig. I ended up staring into space. Must be
the neurons sleeping with my eyes open. Must be me naturally being stupid.
I heard footsteps coming.
Oh no.
"Why aren't you sleeping?"
Why is love so cheaply designed to beat and tempt with just a voice?
Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago bumaling kay Prof. "Nagising lang po ako."
Dumiretso siya sa fridge, binuksan iyon, at kinuha ang malaking flask ng herbal ni
Lolo Dimos.
'Not lying but she doesn't want me here. Crazy human.'
Sumimangot ako habang pinanonood siya. Hindi naman na niya nababasa ang isip ko
pero bakit parang alam pa rin niya ang nararamdaman at iniisip ko?
Kumuha siya ng baso at naglagay ng tonic-herbal-whatever doon bago straight na
inumin. He didn't even wince.
Umiinom ba ng alak ang mga death god? He looked fine drinking something like
liquor.
'Her habit to stare never changes.'
Nag-iwas ako ng mata. I can hear you, moron. You will drop dead if only you know
that I can hear you.
Ayoko na siyang marinig. It's a torture.
Bumalik ang mata ko sa flask ng concoction ni Lolo Dimos. I remembered that I got
nauseous when I drank it. Kung mahihilo ako at mawawalan ng focus, baka makatulong
para hindi ko marinig masyado si Prof.
Ibabalik na niya sa fridge 'yung flask nang pigilin ko siya sa braso.
"Wait, Prof. Painom din ako," sabi ko at kinuha ang baso niya. Sinalinan ko agad
'yun ng herbal.
'Don't use my glass. Baka-'
Nakapikit akong uminom. Na sigurado akong pinanonood niya dahil ramdam ko ang mata
niya sa'kin. At bakit nahinto pati iniisip niya?
Humagod ang lasa ng herbal sa lalamunan ko. Parang alak talaga. Mas tolerable na
nga lang ang lasa ngayon.
My eyes blurred and my ears rang. Napaatras pa 'ko. Inalalayan ako agad ni Prof. sa
baywang. Kumapit ako sa sleeve ng damit niya.
Bakit parang mas malakas ang tama ngayon no'ng herbal? Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko pero
iniiwan ako ng mundo. I couldn't feel my legs.
"Is it drugged?" tanong ko kay Prof. I can't see him clearly nor the position we
were in. Basta kuyom ko ang tela ng damit niya at nasa likod ko ang braso niya.
"No. Don't fight it, Natalie."
His breath felt so near. And I can hear drums.
I tried not to fight it so I took deep breaths and let the world spin. Nang mawala
ang hilo ko, tumingala ako kay Prof.
"Are you okay now?" he asked.
Binitawan ko ang kuyom ko sa damit niya. Why the eff am I in his chest? Niluwagan
niya ang pagkakahapit niya sa'kin. Hinagod niya ang likod ko.
"Are you okay now? Can you see me okay?" tanong uli niya.
What I heard were not drums but his heartbeat. It was so freaking loud.
Bahagya ko siyang itinulak. He let me go.
"Natalie?"
Nakakasama ng loob. Bakit nahihilo ako no'ng nakalapit ako nang gano'n kalapit sa
kanya? Hindi ko man lang tuloy maalala nang malinaw kung pa'no kami halos
nagkayakap.
"Okay na po... Prof.," sabi ko.
"Why do you look like you're going to cry?"
Masama akong tumingin sa kanya.
Pansinin pa ba talaga? Ipaulit ko kaya sa'yo 'yung hapit mo sa'kin?!
Ngumiti siya. "You're being moody these days. What's the problem? Do you have
something you want to ask?"
Ngumuso ako. Nag-iwas ng mata. Tanungin ko kaya sa'yo 'yung mga iniisip mo.
"Babalik na po ako sa kuwarto."
Tumango siya. "Okay. It's still midnight."
Tumalikod na 'ko para lumabas sa kusina pero wala siyang pagkilos. Nilingon ko
siya.
"Ikaw, Prof., hindi ka pa matutulog?" I asked.
"Not yet. I can't seem to sleep."
"Bakit po?"
"I don't know."
Lumunok ako. "Kung may itatanong ako, Prof... okay lang?"
Ilang sandali na nakatingin lang siya sa'kin.
"Kung gusto mo nang matulog, okay lang naman din," bawi ko. "Sa ibang araw na lang
ako magtatanong."
"It's okay. Do you want a drink?" Tumikhim siya. "Something less potent than Lolo
Dimos' tonic?"
My soul must be burning in hell right now for feeling so giddy. Oh, great fire. I'm
sorry for being this happy with just an offer of a drink. Kahit na baka gatas lang
ang ibibigay niya sa'kin.
Nagbukas siya ng cabinet at kumuha ng jar ng tsaa. Nag-init ng tubig. Nakatanga
ako.
Sht. I'm still feeling giddy.
"What's bothering you today?" he asked as we wait for the water to boil.
"Just... things," sabi ko. Kailangan ko yatang iwasang tumingin sa mata niya.
Masyado akong sumasaya.
The water boiled. He prepared our tea.
"Take your cup. Let's sit properly in the living room."
Ginawa ko ang sinabi niya. Sumunod ako sa kanya papunta sa living room.
Ipinatong niya ang cup ng tsaa sa mesa sa U-couch at binuksan ang ceiling light,
pero 'yung night light lang. Soft yellow light filled the large room. Umupo siya sa
dati niyang pwesto sa pahabang upuan. Umupo ako sa pwesto ko sa kasanggang long
couch.
"Ask away," he said when we're comfortable in our seat.
Kinuha ko ang throw pillow sa tabi ko at niyakap. "I'm just wondering..."
"About?"
"I asked about angels last time, 'di ba?"
"You're wondering about angels and death gods, again?"
Tumango ako.
"What about them?"
"They're helpers of the Creator, right?"
"Right."
"May emotions ba sila?" tanong ko agad.
"Yes, of course. That's why celestial beings like them can warn about being afraid.
Because they understand about it."
"Oh." I thought about how to phrase my question sensibly. I cleared my throat. "I'm
just wondering... if they fall in love?"
Natigilan si Prof. at ilang sandaling nag-isip lang din.
"Celestial beings don't fall in love romantically, if that's what you're asking."
Ilang sandali na tumahimik ako, trying to hear his thoughts. Baka may iba pa siyang
sinasabi sa isip niya kaysa sa sinasabi niya talaga. Pero wala akong naririnig.
Weird. Hindi naman na 'ko nahihilo.
"They don't fall in love romantically..." bulong ko.
"Yes. Because there's no need to. In this realm, humans fall in love with another
human to discover about the sanctity of being selfless. Human beings are naturally
egoistic and self-absorbed. That's why your society reflects the same self-
centrism. Look at the issues you're discussing. Look at social media. Look at
crimes. Look at wars. Everything vibrates of that ego and self-centrism.
"Humans love themselves so much they feel entitled to everything. That's why
romantic love hurts when not reciprocated. Romantic love magnetizes human to put
another person before oneself. It bends human to love at the extent of losing self-
value and self-respect. It exists to destroy the ego and remind the human soul of
its divinity; of its capacity to love without the self-entitlement."
Humigop ako ng tsaa.
"Are there any instances when beings like that fall for a human?" tanong ko pa. "We
have novels like that. And it's tragic."
"Possibly; if a celestial gets trapped inside a material body for some reason, it
could have mortal feelings like anger, jealousy, romantic love, and the like. The
material body is a prison of memories, of soul, and of immortality. An immortal
soul inside a mortal body becomes a soul of limitations. Perception becomes narrow.
Feelings war against the ego. Memories becomes fragile. The soul forgets a lot of
things when put inside a flesh."
I thought about his answer. Sinasabi ba niyang posible siyang ma-in love habang
nasa loob siya ng isang mortal na katawan? Gaya ng sitwasyon niya ngayon?
Humigpit ang yakap ko sa throw pillow.
"What happens if a celestial gets trapped inside a body and fell in love with a
human? Is it tragic?"
"Did the human also fall in love with him?" he asked.
"Kunwari, oo. Na-in love din. Ano'ng mangyayari?"
Ngumiti si Prof. at sumandal sa couch. Bumuntonghininga.
"That's trouble," he said. "Even if a celestial fall in love with a human being, he
won't do anything about it. He's a celestial, after all. The body may pose
limitations but he should remember his duties and his devotion to the Creator.
"A celestial, even when inside a mortal body, should love without the ego. He will
root for the human-of-interest and wish for her happiness. But that's about it."
I felt my heart sank a little.
"Will that celestial recognize romantic love right away?" I asked.
Natigilan si Prof. "That I don't know."
"When humans fall, we don't recognize it right away," sabi ko sa kanya. "And we
don't know what to do about it either. Will we tell the other person about it? Will
we ask them for a chance? Will we keep it secret?
"We fear of not being loved back. We fear of it being forgotten. We fear of it
being swift and shallow.
"When we think that the end is going to be tragic, like the egoists that we are, we
save ourselves. We try to turn our back on that feeling.
"If I know that a love is going to be tragic, am I selfish if I want to give it up?
Am I selfish if I want to shake it off?"
Our eyes met and for a moment, I forgot what we were talking about. I forgot that
we were in the living room and that it was midnight. I forgot about our
differences.
He felt closer to me than where he was sitting. He felt human. He felt like a man
talking to a woman.
"Love is not something tangible to be given away, to shake off, nor to leave
behind. Love is not something you carry, only to drop when it gets heavy or hot.
Love is something that exists with you as an invisible weight or as invisible
wings. Love shares your breath. Love cannot be denied because it does not asks. It
persists even if you want to be selfish."
I bit my lip as I realized the truth in his words.
"But I can try... right? To forget it? To shake it off? To leave it?"
Ngumiti si Prof. sa'kin. "Of course, you can try. Even when it gets stupid. It's an
advantage of free will."
Matagal akong tumitig sa tsaa sa tasa ko hanggang sa magbago ang usapan. Prof.
recommended some books that I might find interesting to read during weekends. I
tried to put his statements about love at the back of my mind. I have to stop this
manipulative feeling growing inside me.
It already looked bad right now as my heart celebrates this stolen moments with
him. Even looking at him makes me happy. I should do something about it before it's
too late. If it's not yet that late.
Nakaidlip uli ako sa couch pagkatapos ng ilang usapan. Nang maalimpungatan ako
sandali, naisip kong lumipat sa kwarto, pero naalala kong mas may pagkakataon si
Prof. na kunin ang piraso ng pakpak niya kung mananatili ako ro'n. Tumagilid ako ng
higa at nasilip siyang nakapikit sa pagkakaupo niya.
Iniunan ko ang throw pillow at naghahanda nang matulog pa uli nang maramdaman ko
siyang kumilos. Pumikit ako at tumigil sa paggalaw.
He should make a move now and take his feather.
I heard his footsteps going away then coming again. Tumayo siya sa tagiliran ng
hinihigaan ko. I can feel his eyes on me.
This is just right. He should take what he owns and be free of suffering. Kailangan
niya lang hatakin ang kwintas ko at tapos na. He could go.
Naghintay ako pero wala. Nakuyom ko na ang kamao ko pero wala. Natutukso na 'kong
magmulat pero nakatingin lang siya.
Bakit nakatingin lang siya?
"You look sad when you sleep," he whispered.
Pasimple akong lumunok. No. Don't make me hear your thoughts anymore.
Marahang tumakip sa katawan ko ang isang mainit na bagay. Iniayos niya ang kumot.
Then, lightly as a feather, he pat me on my head. Hinawi niya rin ang ilang hibla
ng buhok na kumalat sa pisngi ko.
"Don't be sad."
I want to bury my face in the pillow but I couldn't. I shouldn't hear anymore of
his gentle thoughts. If I hear him one more time, my ego might win. I might get
greedy.
"Goodnight, little thing," he whispered.
I could almost see dandelion seeds floating.
I know love is as he told me-it cannot be denied because it doesn't even ask. Like
tonight, my heart surrendered to him without permission. #0333h/07012017

Chapter 13: If I try to be stupid

A death god staying inside a mortal body longer than necessary subjects oneself to
being tainted with mortal sins.

***
I told myself that it wasn't too late to save myself from feeling for the dumb
death god. I wanted to believe it. Kaya nang mga sumunod na araw, maaga akong
umaalis at late nang umuuwi. Kapag naririnig ko ang mga iniisip at mga pag-aalala
ni Prof. sa'kin, umiinom ako ng tonic ni Lolo Dimos. It worked against my borrowed
abilities.
Ilang gabi na rin akong natutulog sa living room kahit tinututulan ni Prof. I was
giving him the chance to steal back his feather but he wasn't doing anything. Ang
natanggap ko lang sa kanya ay sermon para sa katawan ko. Baka raw nangangalay na
kong matulog do'n. Sayang daw 'yung upa ko sa kuwarto.
Ilang beses na rin akong pumasok nang walang paalam sa kuwarto niya at inilagay ang
kwintas ko sa mesa niya. Pero bumabalik pa rin ang kwintas sa'kin. Hindi ko na alam
kung pa'no ko isasauli sa kanya ang balahibo o kung pa'no niya kukunin.
Hindi kami nag-uusap at nami-miss ko siya. Hindi kami sabay kumakain at nami-miss
ko siya. Ayoko siyang ma-miss pero nami-miss ko siya. It's getting harder everyday
with his cowlicks teasing to be touched and his gentle eyes on me.
He wasn't saying anything either even though he knew that I was avoiding him.
Why won't he just take the feather back? Why is he staying as a human? It's
frustrating.
"You sighed again," puna ni Jeremy sa'kin.
Napatingin ako sa kanya. We're at a nearby deli. Kumakain ng dinner. Or not. Dahil
pagbaba ng mata ko sa plato niya, ubos na ang monster burger niya. 'Yung sa'kin,
nagmamakaawa pang kagatan.
"Sorry. I was thinking about something," sabi ko sa kanya at ngumiti.
"Lagi kang may iniisip," sabi lang niya. His smile was comforting and there was no
judgment in his voice.
"Yes. Sorry."
"Something at home?"
I smiled. I wish Prof. and this feeling were just 'something at home', but no. This
feeling was something which shares a breath with me. An invisible weight in my
chest.
"Kailangan mo na bang umuwi? Hatid na kita?"
Sumulyap ako sa wristwatch ko. It was almost nine. If I ride a taxi now, I'll be
home by ten-thirty.
"Hindi pa naman. Ano'ng oras ba magsasara 'tong deli?"
"Ten."
"Can you keep me company until ten?" tanong ko bago kalabitin ng hiya. "Ay, sorry.
I'm not even considering if you've got things to do. Baka may gagawin ka?"
Mahinang natawa si Jeremy. He relaxed in his seat and looked at me like I'm-
"You're amusing," he said.
"What?" I was getting uncomfortable with the way he was looking at me. Jeremy is
good company at nitong mga nakaraan ay nasasanay na 'kong kasama siya. 'Wag lang
siyang titingin sa'kin nang ganito. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Ilang beses ko nang inisip kung ano'ng iniisip mo kapag natutulala ka. You're so
focused kapag nasa clinic. But from time to time, I can see you spacing out.
Sometimes, you're mumbling about something, too. Then, you will grab your necklace
and sigh."
I was amazed. "Napapansin mo lahat 'yun kapag nasa clinic tayo? Kahit may ginagawa
ka? That's some amazing observation skills! Magiging magaling kang psychiatrist."
Napahawak siya sa batok niya at alanganing ngumiti. "Yeah. Napapansin ko lahat
sa'yo."
The mood between us changed and I had to look at my watch. Time was slowly ticking.
"What are you thinking about, Natalie?" Jeremy asked.
Napatingin ako sa kanya bago nangalumbaba. Bumaling ako sa kalsada sa labas. It was
raining a little.
"I'm thinking about angels. Do you believe in them?" tanong ko na hindi tumitingin
sa kanya.
"Yes," sagot niya. "My mom used to believe in them, too."
"Angels of death, naniniwala ka?"
Nagkibit-balikat siya.
"I'm wondering about it," sabi ko na lang. "Kung totoo ba sila? Ano'ng kaibahan
nila sa'tin except the wings and being celestial? Saan sila nakatira? Ano'ng itsura
ng tirahan nila? Ano'ng nararamdaman nila? Those things..."
Natahimik kami sandali. My burger remained untouched while my mind wandered back to
the death god waiting for me at home. Baka abutan ko na naman si Prof. na
naghihintay sa'kin sa gate. Baka may dala pang payong dahil umuulan.
He was getting sickly, lately. Ilang araw na magkakasunod na siyang nakasimangot.
Masakit daw ang ulo niya. Imposible namang galing sa'kin 'yun dahil natutulog ako
nang maayos at kumakain nang maayos. The only thing that's keeping me under the
weather was this heavy heart.
Paparami rin ang kain niya bawat araw na parang lagi siyang gutom. I was always
worried about him.
"May close akong professor sa Theology... we used to talk about things like that.
Angels, demons, the intricate system and cycle of life on earth, karma... He said,
our modern belief about angels came from Judaism. In their sacred book, Torah,
particularly."
Napatitig ako kay Jeremy. "And then?"
"Sa Judaism, celestial beings such as angels means messengers of God or upper ones.
They were not tangible beings but messages or tasks. After doing their tasks, they
cease to exists.
"No'ng naipasa na sa Christian belief ang tungkol sa mga angels, we became
fascinated by their obedience and closeness to God. Hanggang nagkaroon na ng
concept ng mga guardian angels."
Hindi ako makapagsalita agad sa mga sinabi ni Jeremy. Nagpatuloy siya.
"Ang dami naming what ifs ni Prof. 'pag nag-uusap kami. We wonder about how much
exactly do we know of the ways of the world. O kung totoo nga ba ang mga alam na
natin.
"Lahat ng paniniwala ngayon, may pinanggalingang paniniwala noon. Bawat lugar,
kultura, lahi, iba ang pundasyon ng paniniwala sa kinalakhan natin. As if, the
truth is molded by where we are, by who we are, by how we define ourselves and our
society.
"Our time is a product of wars and conflicts of interests. How do we know that what
we know was the truth and not manipulated facts? There were millions of scholars
and intellectuals on earth before we were born pero hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin
natin masiguro kung pa'no nga ba ang sistema sa mundo. There are millions of
scholars and intellectuals right now and we're still confused. We're still finding
meaning about our existence.
"We are all existential beings concern about how we came to be. We wonder about
other beings, too, even if for just a point of comparison.
"Kapag gano'n, naiisip ko minsan, pa'no kung hindi lang tao ang meron sa mundo gaya
ng sinasabi nila? Saan ika-classify ang ghouls, ghosts, tikbalang, mermaids,
etchetera, if they are real? Are they celestial beings? Are they mortal beings? Are
they cursed beings?
"What are demons exactly? Angels?
"Tayo? Ano tayo mismo? Are we human beings with human souls? Are we human beings
with celestial souls? Or are we mortal beings with immortal souls?
"Kung grim reapers naman, what are they really? Are they angels guarding us on our
death? Are they gatekeepers of the afterlife? Are they souls?
"We won't know how intricate God's system is. But He is perfect, so the system is
perfect, right? Nothing will happen that is not a part of that perfection."
Napangiti ako kay Jeremy. Napahawak na naman siya sa batok niya.
"Sorry, ang dami kong sinabi..." sabi niya at mahinang tumawa.
He looked cute when he was being shy. It's hard not to like him as a person. He's
smart, too.
"Ang galing nga eh. Thank you."
Natahimik kami.
Ilang beses na 'kong nag-research about angels at iba-iba ang nakikita kong
paliwanag at paniniwala. Some theories were biblical. Some were experiential
testimonies. Some were good what ifs.
Ilang beses na 'kong nalungkot sa paghahanap ng sagot kung bakit pa kami
nagkakilala ni Prof. kung sa dulo ng lahat ng ito ay sakit.
Athos, as a death god, made me want to live. Henry, as a man, made me fall in love.
He brought me closer to the Creator whom I almost detested for my existence.
But Jeremy is right. The Creator up there is perfect in knowledge. Even though I
don't understand all the whys, I'll have faith that it is a part of a perfect plan
designed for the good.
If the perfect plan is not favorable to what I feel, I'll respect it. Mas mahalaga
sa'kin na makabalik na si Prof. sa pinanggalingan niya. 'Yung hindi na siya
masaktan at mahirapan.
If the perfect plan means I have to be hurt for as long as I live, I'll deal with
it knowing I'll get to see Athos at the end of this life.
But no matter what, I'll have faith. I should.
***
Our conversation shifted to something less heavy and the hour ticked away. Nang
magsara ang deli, nagmagandang-loob si Jeremy na ihatid ako pauwi. Sumakay kami ng
taxi.
It was almost midnight when we arrived and I was expecting Prof. by the gates, but
he wasn't there.
Naunang lumabas ng taxi si Jeremy para mag-doorbell. Umuulan pa kasi, wala kaming
payong, at ayaw niya 'kong mabasa. It took a good fifteen minutes before the gate
opened. Bago pa 'ko makababa ng taxi, nangingilala na si Prof. kay Jeremy.
I ran towards them, my hands covering my head. "Prof., sorry kung late ako."
Matamlay ang mata ni Prof. nang tumingin sa'kin. "You shouldn't be this late. You
know that I'm waiting."
Kumunot ang noo ko sa boses niya. His voice was thick as if he just woke from
sleep. I'm really stupid. Naistorbo ko pa yata ang pagtulog niya.
"I won't be this late next time," sabi ko.
Ipinakilala ko sina Jeremy at Prof. sa isa't isa. Nagkamay sila.
"Ah, landlord mo," sabi ni Jeremy na nakatingin kay Prof.
'Some intern.'
Hindi ko pinansin ang naririnig ko kay Prof. Kailangan ko naman yatang uminom ng
tonic ni Lolo Dimos.
"Yes. Salamat sa paghatid, ha?" sabi ko kay Jeremy. "Pinaghintay ko na 'yung taxi
para makauwi ka agad."
Pero nakatingin pa rin si Jeremy sa'kin.
"Hindi ka pa uuwi?" tanong ko. "Gusto mong makiinom?"
'What is she talking about?'
"It's midnight," salo ni Prof. at tumingin kay Jeremy. "Go home."
They engaged into a staring contest.
"May iba kang kasamang tenant diyan, Nat?" si Jeremy.
"Wala. Ako lang." Palitan ang tingin ko sa kanila. "Bakit?"
"Nothing," sagot niya.
"It's midnight and it's raining. Go home," sabi ni Prof. kay Jeremy.
"Oo nga. Midnight na. Uwi na," ayon ko at kaswal na tinapik si Jeremy sa braso.
I thought I heard Prof. grunted but I wasn't sure.
Ngumiti si Jeremy. Nakabaling pa rin sa'kin. "May nakalimutan akong itanong, Nat."
"Oh? Kanina pa tayo magkausap, may nakalimutan ka pang itanong?" ani ko. "Ano po?"
Sumimangot si Prof. 'Is she trying to be cute with that intern?'
Kailangan ko nang uminom ng tonic. Hindi ako makapag-concentrate kay Jeremy, sa
ulan, at kahit sa sarili kong iniisip. Nakikita ko si Prof. sa tagiliran ko at
nadi-distract ako.
"Pwede ba kitang i-date sa Sabado?"
"Sige, ingat pauwi!"
Natigilan ako.
Anong sinabi ni Jeremy? Hindi ba siya nag-goodbye para umuwi? I was prepared for
his goodbye.
"Anong sinabi mo?" tanong ko.
"Sabi ko, pwede ba kitang i-date sa Sabado?" ulit niya. "Nitong parating na
Sabado."
I stared into his smile and the gentleness in his eyes. What is he asking me?
"If you haven't noticed, I like you, Natalie. Not as a friend but as a woman,"
patuloy niya.
I couldn't process what's happening. Am I hearing this right? Is this a confession?
Sa harap ni Prof.?
Bumaling ako kay Prof. He's calmly looking at Jeremy. Hindi ko naririnig kung ano
ang iniisip niya.
"Natalie?"
Bumalik ang tingin ko kay Jeremy. Ano'ng sasabihin ko?
"Uh... it's sudden." Tumungo ako. I don't know how to handle this. "I didn't see
this coming. Can I, uh, think about it?"
Yumuko si Jeremy at sinilip ang mukha ko sa pagkakatungo ko. "How long am I going
to wait?"
"Huh?" Nagtaas ako ng mata sa kanya. Bakit siya nagtatanong sa harap ni Prof.?
Prof. sighed, then said, "Get inside when you're done talking. Lock the gate."
Hindi man lang siya sumulyap sa'kin nang tumalikod siya at bumalik sa bahay.
Nakasunod ang mata ko sa kanya.
Bumaling ako kay Jeremy. "Seryoso ka ba sa sinasabi mo? Hindi ka nangti-trip?"
Umiling siya. "Seryoso ako, Natalie. Matagal nang alam nina Miss Vanessa at Doktora
na gusto kita. Ikaw na lang ang hindi nakakapansin."
"So, you're always with me because..."
"Because I want to be with you. As a friend and as a man," siguradong sagot niya.
I know that what he said is true. Kahit minsan, hindi siya nag-take advantage
sa'kin. He's a good friend and a good man. He's human, too. Ang lakas nga lang ng
static kapag nagkakadikit kami. Wala siyang anino ng self-abuse o violence. Wala
rin akong nakikitang nakasunod na death god sa kanya.
If I date him, it might take Prof.'s mind away from worries about me. Baka maisip
na ni Prof. na kunin ang feather niya at bumalik sa lugar niya.
Pero bakit hindi ako maka-oo agad?
"Let me think about it... until tomorrow?" sabi ko.
"Okay. You don't have to rush into thinking," he said. "I can wait."
Tumango na lang ako. "I'm sorry, I didn't notice... uh, your feelings."
"It's not an offense to be sorry about," sabi niya. "Napaulanan na kita. Sorry."
"Okay lang. Nasa bahay naman na 'ko. Ikaw nga ang malayo pa ang uuwian." Napasulyap
ako sa taxi na naghihintay pa rin. "Come on, umuwi ka na. Hatinggabi na. Habang
nandiyan pa 'yung taxi."
"Yes." He smiled and patted me on the head. "Goodnight, Natalie."
"Goodnight," sabi ko.
***
Hinintay muna ni Jeremy na pumasok ako sa loob ng bahay bago ko narinig ang pag-
alis ng taxi.
I locked the gate and went inside the house. Inabutan kong naghihintay si Prof. sa
living room.
"Ako na," sabi niya nang ila-lock ko rin sana ang pinto ng bahay.
Tumayo siya mula sa long couch at lumapit sa'kin. Gumilid ako nang isara niya ang
pinto. I was out of words.
"That Jeremy is a good guy," he said. "He likes you."
Kumuyom ang kamao ko. Why are we talking about Jeremy?
"He's a good friend," sabi ko.
Natahimik kami nang ilang sandali bago siya bumuntonghininga. "But even if he's a
good guy or a good friend, as long as you're living with me, I won't let him take
you until midnight. 'Wag ka nang uuwi uli ng hatinggabi."
Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko sa pagbabanta sa boses niya. "Sorry, Prof."
He sighed again. "Go to sleep, Natalie. You're tired."
Tumitig pa rin ako sa kanya. Sa aming dalawa, siya ang mukhang pagod.
"Ikaw, Prof..." halos hindi lumabas sa lalamunan ko ang boses ko. "Are you okay?
Natutulog ka na ba nang dumating ako? Naistorbo kita?"
"I'm okay."
"Sure ka, Prof.? You looked tired."
"I'm sure. Go to your room and rest."
Wala akong nagawa kundi tumango. Lumakad ako papunta sa hagdan bago lumingon.
"Goodnight, Prof."
"Yes. Goodnight."
I went up.
***
Bandang madaling-araw, naalimpungatan ako sa uhaw. I went down the kitchen and
drank a glass of water. Nang papabalik na 'ko, saka ko lang napansin na nakahiga sa
long couch si Prof. There was half a glass of tonic in the table. May iba pang baso
na may liquid na hindi ko alam kung ano o kung para saan.
Maingat akong lumapit sa kanya at sumilip. The lights were low in the living room
but it's enough for me to see that he was sweating. Natutulog siya. Nakabuka ang
mga labi at mabigat ang paghinga.
Is he sick?
Marahan kong inilapat ang palad ko sa noo niya. But instead of being hot like what
I was expecting, he was ice-cold. If he was cold, why was he sweating?
He looked sick but I don't know what to do. If he's hot without sweat, I would need
a blanket and cold compress. If he's cold without sweat, he would need a blanket
and hot compress. Pero kung malamig siya na pinagpapawisan, hindi ko alam kung
anong gagawin para sa kanya.
Hindi rin pati siya nagising kahit na hinawakan ko siya. Usually, magigising siya
at maninita.
I was lost in thought when he made guttural groans as if he's in pain. He clutched
in his chest, his eyes still closed. His face twitched.
Why was he in pain?
Wala sa loob na napahawak ako sa pisngi niya, sa noo niya, sa buhok. Malamig talaga
ang balat niya. Tumalungko ako sa tagiliran niya. I smoothed his hair, hoping to
soothe him. I hushed him.
Maputla siya. He looked weaker now than when I first saw him. What am I to do with
him like this?
Tumigil ang pagdaing niya sa patuloy na haplos ko. I stayed with him until he
looked less in pain.
I sank my fingers in his hair, in his cowlicks. I was afraid of touching him like
this. I was afraid of liking this.
Lumunok ako.
Just a little more and I'll stop. Please, don't be in pain.
Nang parang nahihimbing na siya, tumigil ako sa paghaplos. Babawiin ko na sana ang
kamay kong nasa buhok pa rin niya pero kumiling siya ro'n. Umunan.
Hindi ako gumalaw, afraid that he would wake up. Pero patuloy lang siyang huminga
nang malalim.
I gently stroked his jaw with my thumb. Nakatitig ako sa kanya.
I'm hurting because of you. But if I can be near you just like this, even if just
for little moments like this, my heart says it's okay.
Yes, it's okay. Basta pwede ko siyang matandaan nang ganito. He looked so precious,
so perfect, so far-fetched.
I'm sorry I'm just a greedy, stupid human being. I'll stay with you to remember
this moment, okay? So, I can keep and treasure you longer... even if it's just in
my head.
I smiled looking at his sleeping face. And because I'm more greedy than I realized,
I closed my eyes and kissed him on the cheek.
Hey, I love you, dumb death god. Sleep well.
# 0153ma/07022017

Chapter 14: Silver wings

Celestial things cannot be seen with the naked eye. To see, is to betrust.

***
"Are you bored? Do you want to go home?" untag ni Jeremy sa'kin.
Mula sa pakikipagtitigan sa pasta ay nagtaas ako ng tingin sa kanya. Matipid akong
ngumiti.
"I'm not bored. I'm just..."
"Thinking of other things, again," dugtong niya sa sasabihin ko.
Again, there was no judgment in his tone. His smile was genuine, too. It's
understandable if he would get offended. Pero si Jeremy 'yung klase ng lalaki na
parang hindi marunong ma-offend. He was always cheerful.
We've been going out for three Saturdays. Walang palya. Tuwang-tuwa sina Miss Van
at Doktora nang malaman nila. I got teased for being too dense when it was obvious
to them that Jeremy likes me. Kahit daw mga pasyente, alam.
Kaya tuwing Sabado, nagpupunta si Eunice sa bahay para ayusan ako kahit na may
internship siya. Siya ang naglalagay ng make-up sa'kin. Damit din niya ang
isinusuot ko. Nagkakilala na sila ni Jeremy. She liked him for me. She thinks he
suited me.
But it's hard to think the same. I already told Jeremy that there's someone else
whom I like.
"Sorry," sabi ko at bumalik sa pagpapaikot ng pasta sa tinidor na hawak ko.
I sighed. I was trying my best but whenever I was out of the house, my mind went
back to Prof. Whoever associated love with just the heart was mistaken. When you're
in love, your whole body leans to the person of interest. Your thoughts wander
towards him. Your movements gravitate towards his direction. Your heart will always
beat for him. Illogically. Unreasonably. Crazily.
"Do you still want to watch the movie after this?" Jeremy asked. "Magtatanong ng
spoiler si Miss Vanessa. Hindi raw siya manonood unless maganda."
I wanted to watch that movie, too. And Jeremy phrased his question well but his
statement after, was telling me to watch the movie for him and Miss Van. Kaya lang,
kanina...
"Ang ganda mo," sabi ni Eunice, almost like a squeal. May twinkle sa mata niya
habang nakatingin sa'kin.
Nasa living room kami. She's done with my make-up. I was wearing a bell sleeve
knee-length dress in blue. Belted 'yun. Malambot.
"Ikot ka nga," sabi pa niya.
"Ano ba, Eunice?" Ako ang nahihiya sa excitement niya.
"Ikot ka. Isa lang. Maganda siya, 'di ba, Prof.?" baling ni Eunice kay Prof. na
nakaupo sa long couch at nakatingin sa'kin.
Hindi ko mabasa ang iniisip ni Prof. dahil umiinom ako ng tonic tuwing Biyernes
bilang paghahanda sa Sabado. Hindi ko rin mabasa ang nasa mukha niya.
"Yes," sabi ni Prof. at ngumiti.
Monosyllabic. But he stopped my heartbeat in one syllable just like that.
"Thanks..." bulong ko.
"Gosh! Nagba-blush ka, Nat!" announced ni Eunice.
As if, I didn't know. I could feel my skin on fire. Hindi ko naman mapa-shut up si
Eunice kasi baka mahalata kung kanino ako nahihiya.
"Ikot na."
Mabilis akong umikot.
"Slowly, Natalie. Mataas ang sapatos mo," sabi ni Prof.
Pasimple kong kinagat ang loob ng labi ko sa paalala niya.
"Nakaikot na 'ko, ha?" sabi ko kay Eunice. "No more. 'Wag mo na ring dagdagan ang
make-up ko. It's not like Jeremy will care about it. Lagi niya 'kong nakikita. Alam
niyang hindi ako mahilig sa make-up."
"Okay, okay. Hindi rin naman magandang mukhang prepped na prepped," sabi ni Eunice.
"Matagal pa ba 'yun?"
"Hindi naman nale-late 'yun," sabi ko. "He'll be here soon."
Naupo kami sa couch para hintayin si Jeremy. Napapasulyap ako kay Prof. He was
reading a book. Maputla siya uli ngayon. At naka-jacket siya.
Is he cold?
"May sakit ka uli, Prof.?" I asked. "May masakit sa'yo?"
He looked at me straight in the eye. "I'm not sick."
"Sure ka? I can..."
I can stay. I will stay for him if he wants me to.
But I couldn't say it. I shouldn't.
Tumunog ang doorbell at mabilis akong hinatak ni Eunice. Ibinigay sa'kin ang
shoulder bag ko.
"Go! Hindi na 'ko sasabay sa inyo ngayon para walang istorbo," sabi ni Eunice.
"Enjoy!"
Lumingon ako kay Prof.
"Enjoy your date, Natalie. Be on time for dinner," sabi lang niya.
Mabigat ang loob ko nang lumabas.
I was sure Prof. was sick again and he was alone at home. Pero kahit na may sakit
siya, hindi niya 'ko pinigilang umalis o nagbilin na umuwi ako nang mas maaga. He's
acting as if nothing's wrong. As if it's okay that I wasn't there for him.
I wasn't okay with it.
Binitiwan ko ang tinidor ko at tumingin kay Jeremy.
He's a gentleman and I appreciate him liking me. But my heart won't turn his way.
Mali ito, hindi ba? Mali ang sumama sa isang taong may ibang nararamdaman para
sa'kin at sumubok na magbaling ng pakiramdam sa kanya, dahil lang gusto kong
iligtas ang sarili ko. I was trying so hard that I was being cruel.
"Jeremy... pwede bang umuwi na lang muna ako? May sakit kasi si Prof. ngayon. Hindi
ako mapakali," sabi ko sa kanya.
Tumitig siya sa'kin at nagbuga ng hangin kapagdaka.
"Okay. But we're still on next Saturday."
"That..." Tumungo ako sandali. "I told you that someone else is on my mind, right?"
"Yes."
"So, why do we do this?" I asked him. "I'm not worth pursuing."
Nagkibit-balikat siya. "I'm free every Saturday and I want to spend it with you."
"But this is unfair to you."
"It's not. You're actually doing me a favor. I'm taking someone I like to the
places I want to go to. I watch movies with someone I like. I dine with someone I
like. I'm not forcing myself to you, if that's what you're thinking about," sabi
niya at ngumiti. "My only wish is that you get to enjoy my company like before.
You're sadder now than when we were friends."
"No." Umiling ako. "It's not because of you or the dates that I'm like this. Sabi
ko naman sa'yo... I'm gloomy before pa. Buti nga, medyo masigla na 'ko nang
nakilala mo 'ko. If you met me back then, you won't like me."
Ikiniling niya lang ang ulo niya sa'kin. "I doubt that, Natalie."
"Totoo."
"Yeah, yeah," sabi niya, obviously brushing me off. "Hatid na kita sa inyo?"
I nodded.
***
Pagdating namin sa bahay, hindi nakasara nang maayos ang gate kaya hindi na 'ko
nag-doorbell. I couldn't just send Jeremy away so I offered him tea.
Pagpasok namin sa kabahayan, nadaanan naming natutulog sa living room si Prof.
"He's pale," bulong ni Jeremy na nasa likuran ko.
It was true and it was bothering me. Didiretso na sana kami sa kusina pero...
"No whispering inside the house," mabigat ang boses na sabi ni Prof.
Napalingon agad ako.
Nakahawak si Prof. sa backrest ng mahabang couch, trying to get up. I rushed
towards him. Inalalayan ko siyang umupo nang maayos.
"Okay ka lang, Prof.?" Idinikit ko ang palad ko sa noo niya. Hindi naman siya
mainit o malamig. Hindi rin siya pinagpapawisan. Bakit siya maputla at nanghihina?
"I'm okay," sabi niya at humawak sa dibdib niya.
Is his chest in pain again?
"You're home early," sabi niya sa'kin. Ngumiti.
"Yes. Kasi... ano..."
"She's worrying about you," salo ni Jeremy at lumapit. "May sakit ka, Prof.? Ano?
Dalhin ka namin sa ospital?"
Tumingala si Prof. kay Jeremy. "Leave the house and I'll be okay."
"Prof.!" saway ko sa kanya. "He's trying to be nice."
Nagbuga ng hangin si Prof. "You're together the whole day. Why is he inside my
house?"
"I offered him tea dahil na-cut 'yung date," sabi ko. "Let him drink tea."
Hindi kumibo si Prof.
Bumaling naman ako kay Jeremy. "Tara sa kusina? Don't mind, Prof. He's always
grumpy."
"Hey, stupid! I'm not grumpy," may pagbabantang sita ni Prof. sa'kin.
"Don't call her stupid," sita ni Jeremy.
"Don't date her," sabi ni Prof.
Natigilan kami pare-pareho. Kahit si Prof., parang nagulat sa sinabi niya. An
awkward silence sat between us.
"Forget what I just said. I'm confused," sabi ni Prof. at tumayo. Lumakad siya
papunta sa kuwarto niya. "Give him tea or whatever. Just not the herbal."
Pumiyok ako nang subukan kong magsalita. "O-okay, Prof."
I watched him open his bedroom room. I watched it closed. At kahit na sarado na
'yun, hindi ko maialis ang tingin ko sa pinto.
"Natalie?" tawag sa'kin ni Jeremy.
I was wondering if the door was going to open again.
It did. Babahagya lang. Sapat lang para makasilip si Prof. kahit na hindi naman
siya tumingin talaga sa'kin o sa'min.
"Anyway, we had a visitor earlier today. Sister Janet and Father Dan visited to
talk to you. They tried waiting for you but they had to leave," sabi ni Prof.
"Sina Father Dan? Bakit daw po?" I asked. Pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong lumapit sa
kanya kahit na gusto ko.
Prof. cleared his throat. "Sister Millie wants to see you. She was sick," sabi niya
at tumingin sa'kin. "You have to see her, Natalie. I'm sorry."
His I'm sorry was so gentle that I knew it means something bad.
"Sabi ko, ihahatid kita sa Quezon bukas. Magpaalam ka lang sa clinic n'yo," dagdag
niya pa.
"Okay, Prof."
He looked apprehensive by the door.
"That's it." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Natalie."
Matipid akong ngumiti at bumuntonghininga. "Pahinga ka na, Prof."
His door closed.
Mabigat na ang katawan ko nang bumaling ako uli kay Jeremy. "I'll get you tea."
"Are you okay?" Jeremy asked.
"There's more to existence than this life. I'm okay," sabi ko at nagpatiunang
lumakad sa kusina. I took my mind off what Prof. told me. "Ano'ng gusto mo? Black o
green tea?"
***
Kinabukasan, madilim pa ay umalis na kami ni Prof. Sumakay kami sa isang kotse na
hindi ko alam kung pa'no napunta sa labas ng bahay o kung kailan dumating. Prof.
looked better than the day before. He was driving.
By eight, we were out of the morning rush and crossing the boundary to the province
of Quezon. Ilang bayan na lang, nasa Lopez na kami kung nasaan ang ampunan at
kumbento. Nag-stop over kami sa tabi ng dagat ng Gumaca para makapagpahinga sandali
si Prof. Tumawag din ako sa clinic para magpaalam kay Doktora kahit na malamang ay
nagsabi na si Jeremy para sa'kin.
Ilang minuto akong tumitig sa malawak na dagat bago ako bumalik sa kotse. Nakabukas
ang mga pinto no'n at sa loob ay natutulog si Prof.
Mabining umiihip ang hangin sa gawi niya, hinahaplos ang hibla ng buhok niya. He
was breathing deeply. I stared into his sleeping face and resisted the urge to
touch him.
He was always sleeping lately. Kapag naman gising siya, lagi siyang nagugutom kahit
ang lakas na niyang kumain. Biglaan siyang nagkakasakit o nanghihina. Nagiging
bugnutin siya sa maliliit na bagay at may araw na hindi siya lumalabas sa kuwarto
niya. Dalawang ulit pa lang uli umuwi si Lolo Dimos at tuwing nangyayari 'yun, nag-
uusap sila nang sila lang. Natitiyempuhan pa na 'yun 'yung mga panahon na uminom
ako ng tonic kaya wala akong ideya sa mga usapan nila.
Umikot ako sa sasakyan at naupo sa pwesto ko sa passenger's seat. It would be
creepy if he would wake up and catch me staring by his door. Mas less creepy kung
nasa passenger seat ako kapag nagising siya at nahuli akong nakatingin. I could
make excuses, then.
I didn't know it when I fell asleep. Pero naalimpungatan ako sa pagdaan namin sa
ilang lubak. Nakababa na rin ang upuan ko at may nakakumot na jacket sa hita ko. I
smiled. I was wearing a dress.
Pinanindigan ko ang pagtulog ko para makuha niya ang feather niya. Pero walang
ginawa si Prof. Kahit nang tumigil ang sasakyan, hindi niya 'ko ginising o
hinawakan man lang.
I waited but he remained silent. Dahil mukhang wala siyang balak bawiin ang
balahibo, nagmulat ako ng mata. Umaktong kagigising lang.
I caught him staring.
Ngumiti lang siya. "You woke up. We're here."
Was he staring all the time that I was worrying about his feather? Because it
looked like it.
Fire spread into my face.
"Halika na? Tanghalian na," sabi niya.
Bumaba kami sa kotse at nagtungo sa ampunan.
***
The death god's apology meant this: that Sister Millie wasn't sick but dying. I saw
a death god beside her bed when we came into her room. He was a tall male. Bughaw
ang mga mata at mala-mais ang kulay ng buhok. He looked gentlest among all the
death gods I have seen. Wala rin itong naging komento sa feather na suot ko o kay
Prof. Henry na kasabay kong pumasok sa silid.
Nangumusta ako sa ampunan at sa mga batang kilala ko roon, pero mas maraming oras
na nasa tabi lang ako ni Sister Millie. Gagap ko ang kamay niya habang
nagkukuwentuhan kami. I even saw her death.
She would take her last breath as Sister Janet reads her favorite passage from the
Bible.
Romans 12:2 - At huwag kayong magsiayon sa sanlibutang ito: kundi magiba kayo sa
pamamagitan ng pagbabago ng inyong pagiisip, upang mapatunayan ninyo kung alin ang
mabuti at kaayaaya at lubos na kalooban ng Dios.
She believed in it whole-heartedly. That this world is veiled in lies and false
promises. That a life obeying the will of the Creator is purer and gentler than any
other kinds. That there is beauty and fulfillment in simplicity and sanctity.
She would close her eyes as gently as when she looked at me. She would smile a
peaceful and contented smile, that seemed to be remembering a lot of secret joys.
The death god will take care in the form of a man I didn't recognize.
She said to the man, "Darating ka pa rin pala."
There was longing of being found in her voice that gave me an idea about the man.
"Naging ina ako ng maraming anak at naging tagapagsilbi ng Maylalang. Naging masaya
ako," she would say.
The death god in the form of the man smiled and took her hand. She went with him. I
even watched them walk away from the room to a place filled with light.
The exact time would be 9:36.
So, by 9:30, I was at the back of the convent. Nakaupo ako sa upuan sa lilim ng
isang malaking puno. Walang ilaw roon bukod sa napakaliwanag na buwan. Doon ako
madalas kagalitan ni Sister Millie kapag may nakakaaway ako sa eskwelahan. Doon
niya rin ako madalas amuin.
I already said goodnight to Sister Millie. I kissed her forehead. I hugged her
tight. I have whispered to her how thankful I was to be raised by her. Mother or
not, she was the best I had. Mother or not, she gave me the love I couldn't find
from my biological mother. She had been a mother, a friend, and a confidante to me.
Minsan, siya ang guro ko kapag ayokong pumasok. Minsan, siya ang kaaway ko kapag
nagagalit ako sa buhay ko. Pero madalas, siya ang pagmamahal at ang pang-unawa na
wala sa ibang tao. She was my refuge; the only hand who would gently tap me until I
fall asleep.
When my wristwatch announced that it was 9:36, I was holding myself back in running
towards Sister Millie and that death god. This is a good death for her. She was
surrounded by people that she loved. She was hearing her favorite passage from her
closest friend. She was comfortable under her blanket, in her own bed.
Pero ako, na maiiwan... I dreaded it so much. I was crying because I was afraid of
the uncertain. Pero hindi ko sisirain ang magandang gabi ng pag-alis para sa kanya.
She deserved a peaceful farewell.
Kaya tumingala na lang ako sa buwan at huminga nang malalim. I'm letting myself cry
to ease the weight of sadness inside me.
When the clock struck 9:40, I could hear the activity inside the convent. Alam na
siguro nilang wala na siya.
Pumihit ako para bumalik sa kumbento nang may tumawag sa'kin.
"Natalie."
Malamyos ang boses. Magaan. Hindi ako sigurado kung lalaki o babae, pero nanginig
ang kalamnan ko sa kilabot. Hindi ako makahakbang palayo.
Is it a death god?
Naririnig ko ang mga yabag nito palapit sa likuran ko; ang inaapakang mga tuyong
dahon at pagkabali ng maliliit na sanga. It sounded like judgment coming for me.
"Sino ka?" tanong ko sa nilalang sa likod ko. Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang kwintas
ko pero hindi ko matawag ang pangalan ni Athos.
"I'm here for you," sabi ng tinig.
I could feel it getting closer. Hindi ko alam kung ilang hakbang na lang dahil
natatakot akong lumingon. May nagsasabi sa'king huwag lumingon.
"Natalie..."
"Don't!"
Nanlaki ang mata ko nang makita kong humahangos na parating si Prof. Malalaki ang
hakbang niya habang nakatingin nang matiim sa'kin.
Pinahid ko ang natitirang luha sa mata ko. "Prof..."
"Don't turn around. Just look at me," sabi niya.
"Athos..." sabi ng boses.
Dumilim ang mukha ni Prof. at humawak siya sa dibdib niya.
"I'm here for the girl," sabi nito.
Nanginginig ako nang lubusang makalapit sa'kin si Prof. Hinawakan niya ang isang
kamay ko at itinago ako sa likod niya. He was blocking whoever came for me.
"Athos, you're here for four full moons. I'm doing this for you," the voice said.
"Just leave for tonight. She's under my guidance," sabi ni Prof.
"She's not. She's robbing you of your abilities and you're not doing something
about it. I need to correct it."
Umihip ang hangin at lalong sumigid ang kilabot sa kalamnan ko.
"Dimos is with me," sabi ni Prof. "Give us until another full moon."
"No."
Humigpit ang kapit ko sa kwintas habang humihigpit din ang hawak ni Prof. sa'kin.
"She doesn't even know what's happening around her. How are you supposed to make it
right?"
"I will tell her," si Prof.
"No. Give her to me."
Narinig kong umabante palapit ang nilalang. Bumulong naman si Prof. sa'kin.
"Close your eyes, Natalie."
I did.
Binitawan ni Prof. ang kamay ko at naiwan ako sa kadiliman sa mga mata ko. Narinig
ko siyang humakbang paabante. I was afraid to open my eyes but I was afraid for
him, too.
Kaya sumuway ako. Dahan-dahan kong iminulat ang mga mata ko at...
Napasinghap ako ng hininga.
Isang pares ng pakpak ang unti-unting bumuka sa likod ni Prof. Mala-bakal ang kulay
gaya ng balahibong hawak ko. Kumikinang iyon sa liwanag ng buwan.
"Leave her to me for another full moon," sabi ni Prof.
There was eerie silence.
"You know what will happen if you failed again," sabi ng tinig.
"I know. Go back for tonight."
Nakarinig ako ng pagaspas ng pakpak at nawala ang tensyong dala ng nilalang.
Pumihit sa'kin si Prof. Tumitig. "Are you okay? Can you breathe?"
Nakatanga ako.
He was standing just three steps away from me, the moon was on his back, and his
silver wings glowing under the bright moonlight. Shadows were concealing half of
his face and it only made him looked like a dream.
"Natalie?"
Hindi ko alam kung alam ba niyang nakabuka ang pakpak niya o na nakikita ko iyon.
Umatras ako. He's too beautiful to be tainted by a human like me.
"Hey..."
Lumunok ako, mahigpit na hinawakan ang balahibo sa kuwintas ko, at hinatak iyon.
Iniunat ko ang kamay ko para iabot sa kanya ang balahibo.
"I'm sorry I took this. Please, take it back," sabi ko sa kanya.
"Natalie-"
"For months, I was trying to remember someone who left messages on my phone. I
missed that someone even though he was fond of calling me stupid. I was trying to
figure out his name from the symbols left on my phone but I couldn't." Huminga ako
nang malalim. Tumingin nang diretso sa kanya. "I know that I kind of stole this
from you," tukoy ko sa feather. "I don't know how exactly. I still couldn't
remember you but I know... I know your name."
He wasn't saying anything.
"Please take this back, Henry," sabi ko sa kanya. "Take this back and stop getting
sick."
He wouldn't move so I stepped closer. Tumingala ako sa kanya.
"Take your feather," I told him.
He smiled. Ikinulong niya ang kamay kong may hawak ng balahibo sa dalawang kamay
niya.
Then he said, "No."
#0615g / 07022017

Chapter 15: In secret

A death god in a mortal body is time-limited.

***
The full moon was high in the sky. Prof. Henry was standing before me, his silver
wings glowing under the bright moonlight. It was beautiful and dreamy.
Bumalikwas ako ng bangon. Napakurap.
Luminga ako sa kabuuan ng silid kung nasaan ako. Lumang kabinet sa sulok. Maliit na
mesang sulatan. Malaking bintana kung saan tanaw ang malaking puno sa bakuran ng
kumbento.
Masakit ang ulo at mabigat ang katawan ko nang bumangon. I wanted to rush and find
Prof. Henry but I couldn't. Parang tumakas ang lahat ng enerhiya sa katawan ko.
It couldn't be just a dream, right? The wings... I know I really saw them.
"Natalie."
Bumaling ako sa kaliwa ko. Papalapit si Prof., hinahagod ako ng tingin.
"Why do you look... perplexed?" he asked.
Nakatitig akong mabuti kay Prof. He wouldn't deny it, right? I heard a death god or
whoever called him Athos. I saw his wings and tried to give his feather back. It
wasn't a dream.
Kumapit ako sa braso ni Prof. Mahigpit.
Binulungan ko siya, "Last night... it's real, right? You're not going to tell me
that I was just dreaming. Sabi mo ro'n sa dumating na death god or whoever, you're
going to do something and tell me what's really happening! You can't tell me that
it's just a dr- Aw!"
Napahawak ako sa noo kong pinitik niya.
"It did hurt, right?" he asked.
Ang passive ng mukha niya. Hindi halatang nang-aasar.
Hinihilot-hilot ko ang noo ko. Halos angilan ko siya. "Masakit."
Namulsa siya sa malambot na pantalong suot niya. Jeans 'yun pero washed kaya halos
puti pa rin.
"I won't lie to you and tell you that it was just a dream. It really happened,
Natalie," seryoso ang mukhang sabi niya.
Luminga ako sa paligid. Buti na lang at walang tao sa hall.
"Bakit wala na 'kong maalala bukod do'n? Tapos nagising pa 'ko sa kuwarto ko rito
sa kumbento? Akala ko..." Hindi ko maituloy na sabihin ang iniisip ko.
Ang totoo, natakot akong baka panaginip lang ang lahat. Na baka hindi siya totoo.
Waking up with the threat that he might just be a figment of my imagination scared
me, more than the fact that I almost died last night.
"You fainted last night. It's expected. You stood face to face to a Compline," he
said.
"A what?"
Hinawakan niya ang kamay kong nasa braso niya at binaklas. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin
sa'kin. "I'll tell you when we get home. You have other things to do here, Natalie.
Sister Janet needs you."
Napasapo ako sa ulo ko at napakamot. Oo nga pala. May iba 'kong ipinunta rito. Last
night, Sister Millie was taken by death. We have to prepare for her funeral.
"Mag-ayos ka na. Kanina ka pa hinihintay magising nina Sister Janet at Father Dan,"
sabi pa niya.
Tumango ako. Tama. Kailangan kong mag-ayos.
I froze. Kinapa ko ang magulo kong buhok at ang halos malalaglag nang elastic na
panali niyon. I checked my face. May muta pa yata ako.
And I confronted and whispered to him in this state? In this state?!
"Natalie?"
Itinakip ko ang dalawang palad ko sa buong mukha ko at pumadyak. Pumihit ako
patalikod kay Prof. at pabalik sa kuwarto ko.
" 'Wag mo 'kong tingnan! 'Wag kang lalapit! Mag-aayos ako!"
I ran to my room. Tapos, parang tumatawa yata siya.
***
Nang araw na 'yun, inayos namin ang mga huling kakailanganin ni Sister Millie para
sa burol sa kumbento. Nakaalalay ako lagi kay Sister Janet, kasi kahit hindi panay
ang iyak niya, lagi naman siyang parang matutumba.
Wala nang ibang kamag-anak si Sister Millie. Nagbilin din ito na ayaw ng mahabang
burol.
So, we prayed for two days and two nights. Umaga ay nagmimisa si Father Dan, kami
nina Prof. at ng iba pang sisters ang gumagawa ng pagkain, at sa gabi ay sabay-
sabay kaming nagdarasal.
On the third day, we buried her at the backyard of the convent. It was also the day
for us to go. Ayoko sanang iwan agad sina Sister Janet, Father Dan, at ang mga
bata, pero may internship ako at may aasikasuhing mga requirements for graduation
pagdating ng sembreak.
"Salamat sa pagpunta, anak. Alam naming abala ka," mabigat ang boses na sabi ni
Sister Janet. Malalim pa ang mata niya at mas payat siyang tingnan sa pagod. Nasa
labas kami ng kumbento.
"Sorry po kung kailangan kong umalis agad," sabi ko.
Ginagap niya ang kamay ko at inilagay roon ang isang kwintas na krus. "Para sa'yo
mula sa amin nina Father Dan."
Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang krus nang umatake ang pangitain ni Sister Janet sa'kin.
Naghuhugas siya ng mga kaldero sa kusina nang madulas siya sa nagkalat na tubig sa
sahig. Lalagpak siyang nauuna ang ulo. May makakakita sa kanya at isusugod siya sa
ospital pero pauuwiin din siya ng mga doktor paglipas ng dalawang araw. Pagbalik
niya sa kumbento, bago matulog, darating ang isang sundo sa kanya. It was disguised
as her mother. She will be fetched a year from now.
Lumunok ako. Huminga nang malalim para hindi mahalata ang panginginig ko.
"Thank you, Sister Janet. Dadalaw ako nang madalas."
Tinapik-tapik ako ni Sister. Bumaling ako kay Father Dan na nakangiti sa'kin.
"Alis na po ako, Father," sabi ko at lumapit sa kanya.
Hinawakan niya 'ko sa braso at...
Nagsusulat siya ng isesermon sa misa nang magsikip ang dibdib niya. He would try to
call for help but he wouldn't be able to. A death god disguised as his father will
come for him. It will happen two and a half years from now.
Muntik akong mabuwal pero nahawakan ako agad ni Prof. sa likod.
"Ayos ka lang, anak?" tanong ni Father Dan.
Ngumiti ako. "Ayos lang po. Aalis na po kami ni Prof."
Tumango sila at pinanood kaming sumakay ng sasakyan.
Kumaway pa 'ko at ngumiti nang magsimulang umandar ang kotse namin. Pero habang
papalayo, nakatanaw ako sa magkatabing gusali ng kumbento at ampunan. May mataas na
bakod sa pagitan noon dati. Pero nang mawalan ng mga madre at lay missionaries sa
ampunan, ang mga madre sa katabing kumbento ang tumulong sa amin.
Nang sirain ng bagyo ang konkretong bakod sa pagitan ng dalawang gusali, wala nang
sumubok na ibalik iyon. Naging parte kami ng kumbento. Naging parte sila ng
ampunan.
I spent most of my childhood and teenage years there. Tatlo ang itinuturing kong
magulang: si Sister Millie, si Sister Janet, at si Father Dan. Alam ko na dati na
maaaring mauna silang mawala kaysa sa'kin. But knowing when exactly it would
happen... I don't know what to do with it.
"I saw... their deaths," sabi ko kay Prof.
"I figured."
"Why did I see it already?" tanong ko sa kanya. "Dati naman, nakikita ko lang ang
kamatayan ng taong hinahawakan ko kapag malapit na. Days. Weeks. Months. Not
years."
Hindi kumibo si Prof.
"I only know that some people shouldn't be touched because there were shadows
eating their bodies. Somehow, I know, I might see something I couldn't handle when
I touch them. Kaya lagi akong nagta-taxi kapag uuwi. Para makaiwas sa unintentional
na pagkakadikit sa tao.
"I only know that some people are dying without touching them because I can see the
death gods who are following them. Nararamdaman ko kapag may nakasunod na death god
sa isang tao kahit na ga'no pa kalayo.
"Bakit ngayon... bakit nakita ko na agad..." Huminga ako nang malalim para kumalma
pero nauna nang bumagsak ang luha ko. "They're going to die. Two people that I
really love are going to die. Ano'ng gagawin ko?"
"Two people that you love are going to live until the time of their death. What are
you going to do, Natalie?"
Impit akong umiyak.
"I told you that death is one thing. Living is another. If you cannot do something
about dying, do something about living. It's more important, after all."
Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa kwintas na bigay sa'kin ni Sister Janet. Sumisinghot ako
nang malakas.
"Do you even understand this pain? Nararamdaman n'yo rin ba 'tong ganitong sakit?
'Yung alam mong may limitasyon na lang 'yung oras na makakasama mo ang isang taong
mahal mo?"
His face twitched. "I know."
"How? What does it feel to you?"
"Suffocating. And yet, it feels like there's a hollow core in my chest that's
eating everything away, consuming me.
"It felt like a punch sometimes. Like a pinch sometimes. Like drowning sometimes.
Like falling into a pit. Like glass breaking. Like hiding away with no one to find
you.
"Sometimes it's just heavy and painful that I want to carve out the beating organ."
Napasinghot ako. Tumigil ang luha ko sa description niya.
"You've been human for how many months? Four full moons. Four months. Kailan mo
naramdaman 'yan?"
Sumulyap sa'kin sandali si Prof. "Whenever you walk towards the door to leave."
Napatitig ako sa kanya. Tumigil yatang magproseso ang utak ko.
Nagpatuloy siya.
"Whenever you're late and you don't call.
"Whenever I hear you crying.
"Or whenever you're hating on yourself.
"Whenever you look at me like you're going to say something but in the end, decided
to keep it to yourself.
"Whenever it's morning and you don't want to wake up and see me.
"I felt pain."
He said the words so casually, so sincerely, that I can't process it. Hindi rin ako
makapagproseso ng paghinga.
Bakit siya nasasaktan dahil do'n? Dahil sa'kin?
"Whenever you're out every Saturday, too. That's when I want to take out the
beating organ off my chest."
Lumunok ako.
"Okay."
"That's pain, right?" he asked.
"Yes..." Mahinang-mahina ang boses ko. Kasinghina ng pakiramdam ko.
"We know pain as death gods but experiencing it at a human level is different. And
difficult. This is different from what I know because it only concerns you."
Tumango na lang ako.
"There's another feeling, too," sabi niya.
Nahinto kami sa traffic sa isang bayan. May sirang kalsada yata.
"Ano 'yun?" tanong ko sa kanya.
"Look at me."
Tumingin ako sa kanya. Sinalubong niya ang mata ko.
"A-ano?"
"Just look at me."
Hindi ko maialis ang mata ko sa kanya kahit na parang malulunod ako. My heart
started beating faster and fire spread beneath my cheeks. Habang hindi ko inaalis
ang mata ko sa mata niya, nauubos ang kakayahan kong huminga at mag-isip.
Kinuha niya ang kamay ko at inilapat sa dibdib niya.
"This."
I could feel the fast beating of his heart.
"It beats erratically like this."
Nag-drive uli siya. Hindi ko naman matanggal ang kamay ko sa dibdib niya.
"When it does, I get weird," he said. "I feel hot, a little annoyed, and then, I
want to touch you. Then, I will get more annoyed because I don't know why it has to
be you to touch."
Tinanggal ko ang kamay ko sa kanya. Umupo ako nang tuwid at tumingin nang diretso
sa daan.
This dumb death god is going to give me a heart attack inside the car!
"These feelings are weird. I asked Dimos about this but he's yet to tell me," sabi
niya pa.
Pasimple akong suminghap ng hangin.
"Hey... are you listening?" untag niya.
Gusto kong lumubog sa upuan ako. I'm all giddy and burning in hell for being so
happy. I want to jump on him but I'm restraining against it. Nagda-drive siya. At
nasa kotse kami. At death god siya.
"Inaantok ako," sabi ko na lang.
"Sleep, then."
I sank into my seat and bit my lip. I should hold out. I shouldn't do anything
mortal to him.
He patted my head and sighed. "Rest well."
Pumikit ako nang mariin.
***
Hindi ko alam kung pa'no 'ko nakatulog mula sa pagkalunod sa saya o kung paanong
hindi ako natuluyan sa heart attack. Pero madilim na nang gisingin ako ni Prof. sa
passenger's seat. Nasa loob na rin ng tarangkahan ang kotse.
"We should eat. Dimos is inside," sabi niya sa'kin.
Sumunod ako sa kanya sa loob ng bahay. Totoo ngang nando'n si Lolo Dimos. Mukhang
naghihintay siya sa'min sa living room. But he looked grim.
"Mag-usap muna tayo," sabi ni Lolo kay Prof.
Ilang sandaling nakatingin lang sila sa isa't isa bago magbuga ng hangin si Prof.
at bumaling sa'kin.
"Late dinner, then."
Tumango ako.
Lumakad silang dalawa papunta sa direksyon ng aklatan ni Lolo. Naiwan ako sa living
room.
I have a feeling that they're going to talk about the Compline. I wish I could
eavesdrop.
Then I heard...
"Sinabi mo na ba sa kanya ang nangyayari sa'yo?" boses iyon ni Lolo Dimos.
I froze. I could hear them!
"Not yet. We're supposed to talk about it tonight."
"Kausap ko si Solas kanina at sinabi niya sa'kin ang nangyari sa Quezon. Alam mo
bang nakita ng mortal ang pakpak mo?"
"I wasn't sure but I had suspicions. She passed out that night. The only reason
would be Solas or the power of my wings."
Ilang sandaling walang nagsalita sa kanila.
"She's draining you of your abilities, Athos. Alam mo ba ang ginagawa mo? Sinabi ko
sa'yong kunin agad ang bahagi ng pakpak mo. Bakit mo pinaabot sa ganito?"
"I already told you that I have no plans of taking it back that way."
"It's the safest way."
"I don't care. I want her to live. The Creator wants her to live."
Pause.
"Athos, nang may gumawa noon ng gusto mong gawin ngayon, nagkaroon ng trahedya.
Gustong magligtas ni Mortheus ng isang mortal noon. We all agreed that the Creator
wanted that mortal to live. We all believed it. Pero ano'ng nangyari?
"Pagkatapos bigyan ng ilang ulit na pagkakataong mabuhay ang mortal, kinuha niya
ang isa sa mga balahibo ni Mortheus. Habang nagkakasala ang mortal, nadurumihan si
Mortheus. Nasusugatan. Nalalatayan. Nagdurusa sa walang hanggang hapdi ng mga sugat
na hindi gumagaling.
"Nang kukunin ng isang Compline ang balahibo upang maibalik sa tama ang mga bagay,
kumapit ang mortal kay Mortheus at ang lahat ng kasalanan nito ay napunta kay
Mortheus.
"Naging diyos siya ng mabagsik na kamatayan dahil doon. At ang mortal ay nagpagala-
gala sa mundo nang hindi namamatay.
"Iyon ba ang gusto mong gawin?"
"This human is different," boses iyon ni Prof. "She knows death. She lives with
death. And she's learning to respect the boundaries of life and death.
"She didn't intentionally steal my feather. She grabbed it miraculously while the
white light was transporting her to her new chance at life.
"She wanted me to take it back. She doesn't care about the methods or the
complications. She's willing to pay for the consequences.
"She's different from that other human."
Nanatili akong nakikinig sa kanila. Kuyom ang kamao ko sa pagkakaupo sa couch.
"Natalie will make it," sabi ni Prof.
"Even if she makes it, if she take possession of your feather, you'll be in pain
for as long as she has it. And that kind of pain for you is unbearable.
"Pa'no ka nakasisiguro na magiging maayos ang lahat?" tanong ni Lolo.
"Hindi ako tao, Dimos. I don't need to be certain. I have faith in her and the
Creator. The Creator gave her this chance at life. When she committed suicide and
begged for a chance, the Creator showed her to me.
"When I designed her second death, I prayed for her to be given another chance. But
no matter how much I had prayed for it, if He would not allow it, it wouldn't
happen.
"But it did. I have faith for that fate."
May bumuntonghininga. Si Lolo Dimos yata.
"Are you sure you're placing your faith on that fate and not on your feelings?
You're inside a mortal body right now, Athos. And this body I made you to take your
feather back is telling me that you're feeling something you don't understand."
May bumuntonghininga uli. Si Prof. Henry yata.
"I understand this feeling now."
Lumunok ako.
"How?" tanong ni Lolo Dimos.
"I watched her sleeping in the car earlier and understood what my heartbeat means."
"So, you know."
"I do. And even this... is a gift. This feeling that wouldn't be possible to me as
a death god is something precious. It is not to blind me, Dimos. I wouldn't succumb
to worldly desires.
"It is to make me wiser."
"It's going to hurt," si Lolo Dimos uli.
"It's painful and blissful at the same time. But precious. I can take on the pain."
"And what about the human?"
"She's known pain all her life. But understanding pain while she loves would make
her wiser. She will make it."
May bumuntonghininga uli.
"So, what are you going to tell her?"
"The truth. That I'm okay without the feather. And that when she gained the
greatest of my power by the next full moon, she would have to send me back to my
true form."
"You will go back this full moon, then."
"Yes. Tell that to all the other Complines. Have faith."
Natapos ang usapan nila at parang mas lalo akong napagod. Pagbalik nila sa living
room, ngumiti sa'kin si Prof. at lumapit.
"Let's eat. You're tired."
Nang hindi ako tumayo, hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at hinila ako papunta sa
kumedor. Nagpatangay ako.
May dalawampu't walong araw na lang bago ang kasunod na full moon. # 1158h/07032017
______
TCWDM: Approx. ay two Chapters left na lang po ito plus Epilogue. Kapit. :)

Chapter 16: Just once

The transition of power between a death god and a human takes place every full
moon. It takes five full moons to fully transfer the following abilities in this
particular order: Awareness of death, Healing, Prophecy, Telepathy, and Vanishment.

***
"You can now go inside, Atty. Mirales," sabi ko sa naghihintay na pasyente ni
Doktora.
The lawyer stood up silently and went inside Doktora's office. He was a fifty-
something man without a balding head. Matikas siya para sa edad niya. Magaan ang
bukas ng mukha. But his body was full of shadows from alcohol and overworking. He's
going to die sixteen months from now.
Hindi kailangang kumpirmahin sa'kin ni Prof. Henry kung bakit nakikita ko na ang
malayong kamatayan ng mga tao kapag hinahawakan ko sila. Seeing him sick and weak
almost everyday told me the truth: I'm absorbing his powers. I'm taking everything
from him.
Pero ang sinabi niya sa'kin, okay lang siya.
Kahit kanina nang paalis na 'ko ng bahay, ngumiti lang siya sa'kin habang nakaupo
sa sofa. He was wearing a thicker jacket. He was paler than usual.
Wala uli sa bahay si Lolo Dimos pero bago umalis ay nag-iwan ng isang matangkad na
bote ng tonic. It contained greenish liquid. Kapag daw parang may lagnat si Prof.,
'yun ang ipaiinom ko.
Prof. was suffering something unbearably painful but he wasn't talking about it. He
was sticking to his routine of cooking, reading books, and stargazing.
I was sticking to my routine, too. Kahit na nauubos na ang araw sa kalendaryo.
Maaga akong pumapasok sa clinic, umuuwi bago ang hapunan, at natutulog sa oras. I
was thinking Prof. would want it that way. He wanted me to live my life. I wanted
to live my life. His greatest gift to me was this life. I shouldn't and couldn't
waste it.
"Thinking about something again?" untag ni Jeremy sa'kin na nasa kabilang mesa.
Napatingin ako sa kanya. "Yes."
"Tomorrow's Saturday..." He let his voice trail.
Oo nga pala. Sabado uli. It's actually the second Saturday since Sister Millie
died. Jeremy let me off last time because I was grieving.
I sighed. "I'm sorry, I can't go with you tomorrow."
"Why? May sakit ka? May sakit si Prof.?" tanong niya, halata ang concern sa mukha.
He's right. May sakit si Prof kaya hindi ako makakasama sa kanya.
"Yes. May sakit kasi si Prof."
"Wala uli si Lolo sa bahay?" he asked again.
"Wala. I want to take care of Prof.," sabi ko kay Jeremy.
He looked at me long enough that I was embarrassed not going. Napabuntonghininga
uli ako. I should tell him.
"Ang totoo, hindi lang 'yun ang rason," sabi ko. Nag-check muna ako sa paligid.
Sarado ang pinto ng opisina ni Doktora para sa session at nasa labas ng clinic si
Miss Van. I continued, "I don't like it that what I said sounded like an excuse."
"Okay. What is it, Natalie?"
Tumitig ako sa mata ni Jeremy. I liked him a lot as a person and as a friend. Pero
hanggang do'n lang. Walang ibang makita ang mga mata ko kundi 'yung supladong death
god na nasa bahay at namumutla.
"The person I love hurts when I'm with you," sabi ko. "I don't want him hurt every
Saturday. I'm sorry."
Hindi nakakibo agad si Jeremy. Tumitig siya sa'kin nang ilang sandali bago
bumuntonghininga.
"Si Prof.?"
Lumunok ako. Pa'no niya nalaman?
"Yes. Halata bang siya?"
"Halata kayo."
Natigilan ako. Ano'ng halata kay Prof.?
"That's why I asked you to date me in front of him," sabi ni Jeremy. "When I saw
him, my gut feel says that I should at least take you out every Saturday before he
gets to. I wanted my chance."
Napangiti ako. Napailing. Mahina naman siyang tumawa.
"Men knew competition at first sight," bida niya pa.
"Hindi gano'n si Prof.," sabi ko. "He's different."
"Different how?"
"He can't date me," sabi ko. "He's a... professor. It's forbidden."
"He still likes you kahit hindi ka niya i-date. Baka magbago ang isip niya kaya
inunahan ko na," sabi ni Jeremy.
"You're taking this really well," sabi ko. I'm not surprised that he's making it
easy for me to refused him because he's a good person. Pero nakakagulat na
nakakapagbiro pa siya. "Thank you. It's a breather."
Napahawak siya sa batok niya. "I'm not really good at this. I'm just trying really
hard. I might cry and punch things later when I get home but that's for later."
Mahina akong tumawa. He's really easy to talk to. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at
pinisil.
"Thank you, Jeremy. I really appreciate you... crying and punching things later."
Gumanti siya ng pisil sa kamay ko. "I'm still your friend, okay? Aasa lang ako nang
kaunti na baka mag-develop pa tayo dahil masarap umasa but... I'm your friend."
That's one thing I'm sure of. Aside from Eunice, Jeremy is another person whom I
can count on as a friend. Kahit no'ng dapat ay nagde-date kami, mas kaibigan siya
sa'kin kaysa lalaki.
"Thank you."
Binitiwan ko ang kamay niya at bumalik sa itina-type kong progress report sa
computer. I was about to press a key when I realized something.
Wala akong nakitang kamatayan ni Jeremy. To be exact about it, kahit na dati ay
wala akong nakikita sa kanya. No shadows, no death god following his trail, no
premonition of death. I should be able to see something now because my ability to
foresee death was complete. Pero bakit wala pa rin?
Sumulyap ako sandali kay Jeremy na may ginagawa na sa computer niya. I guess I
should ask Prof., huh?
***
Umuwi ako agad after office kahit Biyernes at ma-traffic. Pero bago pa narating ng
taxi ang bahay na nasa dulo ng subdivision, bumaba na 'ko sa park. Nando'n sa bench
si Kyros.
Naupo ako sa bench, naniguro ng distansiya.
"It's already dark. What are you doing here?" tanong ni Kyros sa'kin. Sumulyap siya
at bumaba ang mata sa kuwintas ko. "He still didn't take it, huh?"
"He didn't," sabi ko. "We're waiting for the fifth full moon."
Matagal na hindi nagsalita si Kyros. Napalingon pa 'ko sa kanya dahil akala ko ay
wala na siya roon.
He sighed then smiled gently. "You met the death god."
"Yes. I live with him."
"Yeah."
"You knew?" I asked, bago umingos. "Of course, you knew. You even know his name."
"I only knew you're living with him because I saw you walking together one morning.
I saw his mortal body," Kyros said. Ipinatong niya ang braso niya sa sandalan ng
bench at pumihit sa direksyon ko. "It perfectly resembled his celestial form."
'Yun siguro 'yung umaga na nag-almusal kami ni Prof. sa labas.
"I saw his wings," patuloy ko na lang. Sinubukan kong silipin ang likod ni Kyros.
"I thought I can see yours tonight."
"And pass out?" he laughed casually. "It's not good for you to see it."
"I know."
The cold wind passed and left a chill.
"Why are you here, Natalie? Ano'ng gusto mong malaman na hindi mo maitanong sa
death god mo?" tanong niya sa'kin sa seryosong mukha.
It's the full moon soon.
"I don't know what's going to happen on the full moon. Alam mo ba? Pwede mo bang
sabihin sa'kin?"
Kumiling sa'kin si Kyros at ngumiti. "I can't. Compline ang nagpapaliwanag ng mga
'yan."
"Okay." Nag-isip ako ng ibang itatanong. "What are Complines?"
"They're mediators of this realm and our realm. They fix glitches, unfortunate
events, and accidents. Like in your case."
Tumango ako.
"They wanted to prevent a case like Mortheus?" I asked.
"You heard about it?"
"Yes."
"Yeah. Complines exist to prevent cases like Mortheus. You see, death gods in
charge of violent deaths didn't exist before. When death gods of karmic deaths get
tainted with mortal sin, they change into gods of violence."
"At si Athos... pwedeng mangyari sa kanya ang nangyari kay Mortheus, 'di ba? Dahil
sa'kin? Kapag may nagkamali ako?" I asked.
I was afraid of it. Athos has faith in me when I don't even have faith in myself.
"It's a possible tragedy. But you have to understand that what happened to Mortheus
wasn't that simple. It wasn't just because of a human sinning and passing it to a
death god. There are a lot of intricacies in the system of this world. This realm
is not just of human sinning and human redeeming themselves; of angels and demons;
of the seen and the unseen."
"But I'm just a weak human being," ani ko. "How could he trust me with his fate?"
Tumanaw si Kyros sa malaking bahay sa katapat.
"You're not just a human being. You are a powerful creation of the Divine. You have
the capacity to do good and do right.
"You are beautiful the moment your soul lighted up from the breath of the Creator.
You live along with the intricacies of the Universe.
"You are granted the key to unlocking the many possibilities of your fate, only if
you will let the Divine work with you.
"For a million years, you help designed the Universe.
"This world does not just consist of human beings who do good and who do bad.
"There are humans cursed and bounded by the wrongdoings of their ancestors. Like
the ladies born from that bloodline I guard.
"There are humans cursed by the pact they were making with the devil, with or
without their knowledge. Like Cain and the Undying. Like the girl Mortheus tried to
protect.
"There are humans bestowed with the graces of the Divine, enjoying the blessings
given to their holy blood. Like the lineage of saints and advocates who shifted the
world to lean more to its glory.
"There are humans protected by the graces of the Divine, enjoying the blessings
bestowed to their ancestors. Like the doctor in your clinic who came from the
lineage of high priests and healers.
"There are humans blessed with the ability to walk towards the death of their own
design, from the lineage of travelers who walk this earth to gain wisdom for all
generations. Like that scientist with the messy hair and the intern with you.
"And there are humans like you, who was able to grab invisible feathers; who was
surrounded by death and tragedies from the moment you were born; who was given the
privilege to see and talk to death gods about the secrets of the Universe.
"You who has one foot in this realm and another into our realm.
"You are not just a weak human being. You are worth more than your reasons and your
guilt. You are worth more than the things you remember and the things you forget.
You are worth more than the things you claim you understand and the things you are
trying so hard to grasp.
"You are worth his faith.
"If Athos has faith in you, don't waste that faith."
Tumungo ako. Bumuntonghininga.
So, there are humans like that. Mga taong hindi ko nakikita ang kamatayan dahil may
sumpa, dahil may prebilihiyo, dahil may kasunduan sa diyablo.
Kyros breathe out. "This is a vast world and we're just a speck of the heavens.
Won't it be easier to trust a knowledge higher than our own?"
He's right. It always led to having faith. Someone up there who sees everything
will know how this will end.
Bumaling sa'kin si Kyros. "Go home, human. He is waiting for you."
"I have one last question before I go to my death god," sabi ko sa kanya.
"What is it?"
"Do you know what romantic love feels like?"
Napatango siya at ngumiti. "Of course, I do. Most of us do."
"You do?" nagdududang tanong ko. "How?"
"I've felt it once."
"How?" tanong ko uli. Dahil pa'no? He's a death god. Ibig sabihin ba no'n, nai-in
love ang mga death god sa iba pang death gods? O nai-in love talaga sila sa mga
tao?
"You used your one question, Natalie. And your time is up." Tumayo siya.
Hindi na 'ko nagtangkang pigilan siya. Alam ko namang mawawala siya sa ere.
"After the fifth full moon, when you wanted to ask more things, I'll be here. As
long as the lady of that house lives, I will be here," sabi niya.
I watched him disappear into thin air again.
"I never got to say thank you," sabi ko sa kawalan. "Thank you, Kyros!"
Wala nang sumagot sa'kin kaya tumayo ako at naglakad pauwi.
***
Si Prof. ang nagbukas ng gate sa'kin. He was still wearing his jacket and his eyes
were droopy.
"Are you okay?" tanong ko sa kanya. Gusto kong lumapit pa at alalayan siya pero
nagpigil ako. Kinuyom ko ang kamao ko sa tagiliran ko.
I saw that he was doing the same. "Of course, I'm okay."
Pumasok ako sa bakuran at inunahan siya sa pagsasara ng tarangkahan. Hindi siya
tumutol. We walked slowly into the house. I locked the main door while he waited
for me.
"I'm going to my room, Natalie. Are you okay to eat alone?" he asked.
Tumitig ako sa mga mata niya. Matamlay iyon. May lambong ng pagod at hindi ko
maipaliwanag na tamlay.
"May sakit ka uli?" tanong ko sa kanya.
Bahagya siyang ngumiti. "It will pass. Eat well, Natalie."
Pinanood ko siyang mabagal na lumakad papunta sa kuwarto niya. Gusto kong alalayan
siya pero baka kasi hindi niya magustuhan.
Lampas na siya sa set ng couches nang lumingon siya.
"You looked tired. You should rest as soon as you eat," sabi niya. "I'm glad to see
your face before I resigned for the night. I'm sorry I couldn't look at you
longer."
Then he walked to his room casually.
Nakatanga ako hanggang sa maisara na niya ang pinto ng kuwarto niya.
What's with this death god? Hindi niya ba alam na nakakaligalig ang sinabi niya?
How come he was clueless about romantic love when Kyros said that most of them knew
about that feeling?
Nagbuga ako ng hangin para kumalma. Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko. Sumasakit iyon sa
saya, panghihinayang, at paghahangad. I wanted to look at his face longer, too.
Nagpunta ako sa kusina at ininspeksyon ang mga luto nang pagkain. Nabuklatan ko ang
isang kaldero ng lugaw.
He just smiled when I asked him if he was sick but he even cooked porridge for
himself. Kumain na kaya siya?
Kumilos ako at naghanda ng pagkain sa isang tray. Naglagay rin ako ng pagkain na
para kay Prof. Pagkatapos, maingat akong naglakad papunta sa kuwarto niya.
I knocked twice before entering his room. Inabutan ko siyang bumabangon.
"Okay lang, Prof. Don't move," sabi ko sa kanya.
Sumandal siya sa headboard ng kama niya. Nakakumot pa rin.
"Why are you here?" he asked.
"Kakain tayo. Baka hindi ka pa kumakain eh," sabi ko. "Nagdala ako ng lugaw mo."
Nang makalapit ay ibinaba ko ang tray sa kama niya. Umupo ako sa tagiliran niya.
"Kumain na 'ko," sabi niya.
"Really? Pakinggan ko tiyan mo? Mabilis kang magutom, 'di ba?"
Sumimangot siya. Ngumiti naman ako.
Iniayos ko ang mga pagkain sa tray para malapit sa kanya ang lugaw niya at malapit
naman sa'kin ang plato ng pagkain ko. Inilagay ko sa kamay niya ang isang kutsara.
"Kain na tayo, Prof."
He looked at me some more before starting to eat.
Nanadya akong magmabagal, samantalang inabot lang siya ng limang minuto para ubusin
ang lugaw niya.
"Ubos mo na agad?" I asked.
Ibinaba niya ang kutsara niya sa mangkok. "Why are you so slow?"
"I'm not that hungry," sabi ko.
"Don't lie. Lying about the little things will develop into a habit until you're
used to it."
Ngumuso ako. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin.
How could he? This is not lying about the little things.
I sighed. "I want to look at you longer, too."
Tumingin siya sa'kin. Bakit hindi ko mabasa ang isip niya?
"You're forbidden to read my mind," sabi niya.
"But you can read mine?"
"Hulaan mo."
Sumubo ako, ngumuya, at lumunok habang nakatitig sa kanya. Hindi rin siya nag-aalis
ng tingin sa'kin.
"Eat with respect to the food," he said.
Uminom ako ng tubig na nakatingin pa rin sa kanya.
He tsked. Ginaya ko siya.
"You can't read my mind," anunsyo ko.
"How are you so sure?"
"Hindi mo narinig ang sinabi ko sa isip ko eh," sabi ko sa kanya.
"Na ano?"
I was lying. Wala naman akong sinabi sa isip ko para sa kanya. But he looked
curious so I just smiled at him.
"I'll eat with respect to the food, dumb death god," sabi ko sa kanya.
I ate slowly. Pinabayaan ko siyang panoorin ang bawat kilos ko habang nakababa ang
mga mata ko sa pagkain. He looked at me so gently, it hurts.
"Are you tired today?" malumanay niyang tanong sa'kin.
"I tried not to. Alam ko namang hindi ako ang mapapagod. I just finished my
assigned task for the day and left what's for tomorrow."
"Good. The hours of the day must be properly allocated to the things that you need
for your growth as a human being. You have eight hours of sleep; eight hours of
work or study; four hours for recreation and relaxation; and four hours for the
nourishment of the soul. That's the balance of time. Don't believe it when you feel
that time is running out. There is always enough time for the things the Creator
wanted you to do."
Ngumiti ako. "I'll remember that."
"You should."
"Ikaw, Prof.? May sakit ka buong araw?"
Hindi siya agad sumagot. "I just felt weak and cold."
"Will you be okay after you sleep?" I asked again.
"We'll find that out tomorrow."
Gaano man ako magmabagal, naubos pa rin ang pagkain. Uminom ako ng tubig. Pinainom
ko rin si Prof. no'ng concoction ni Lolo Dimos.
"I'll go to sleep," sabi ko sa kanya nang tumayo ako bitbit ang tray.
"Okay. Goodnight, Natalie."
Pero hindi ako makahakbang paalis ng kuwarto niya o maialis ang mata ko sa kanya. I
want to be there with him.
"What is it?" he asked me gently.
Umiling ako. "Wala, Prof. Goodnight."
Lumabas ako ng kuwarto.
***
I washed the dishes. Nakapagpalit na rin ako ng pantulog at handa nang humiga pero
naiisip ko pa rin si Prof. Maybe I should check on him one last time before I
sleep.
Bumaba ako mula sa kuwarto at maingat na naglakad papunta sa kuwarto niya. I
knocked twice but no one answered. Pinihit ko ang seradura ng pinto. Bumukas iyon.
Pumasok ako.
His room was bathed in low, yellow light. I tiptoed and saw that he was already
sleeping in his bed. Suot pa rin niya ang jacket niya habang nakakumot ng makapal.
Ga'no ba kalamig ang nararamdaman niya?
Maingat kong inilagay ang palad ko sa noo niya para bawiin lang iyon agad. Para
akong humipo ng yelo.
Kunot ang noo niya habang nakapikit. I wondered if he was dreaming. If he was, I
wondered what it is. I always dream of us walking in a garden with dandelion seeds
blowing towards us. It is a good dream. In my dream, I could touch him.
Maingat akong lumuhod sa tagiliran ng kama niya at nangalumbaba. Gusto ko siyang
panooring matulog kahit na ilang minuto lang.
But he spoke to me.
"Why are you staring at someone supposedly sleeping?" he asked in almost a whisper.
Marahan niyang iminulat ang mga mata niya na para bang mabigat ang talukap ng mga
iyon.
Lumunok ako sa pagtatama ang mata namin. His caramel eyes were tired but enticing.
"I want to watch you sleep," I whispered back.

Tumitig siya sa'kin.

"You're making my heart beat faster in my sleep that I had to wake up," sabi niya.
Ngumiti ako. "Can I watch you more?"
"If I let you, you're going to make me too happy."
Nahigit ko ang hininga ko. I wanted him happy and...
"If you let me, you're going to make me too happy, too."
Masuyo siyang ngumiti. "This is a traitor heart. I'm getting happy now even without
a resolution of whether I'll let you watch me or not."
"Mine's a traitor, too," I said and smiled.
"Do you want to lie here with me?" malumanay na tanong niya. "I want to see you
closer."
Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakaluhod ko at lumipat sa kama niya. Humiga ako sa tabi niya
nang nag-iiwan ng distansiya sa pagitan namin.
"Get inside the blanket," sabi niya.
Sumukob ako sa kumot.
Tumagilid siya ng higa para makita ako. Tumagilid din ako. The distance between us
allowed us to look at each other's face.
"Why are you sad?" halos sabay naming tanong.
Hindi ako makangiti sa lumanay ng boses niya. Nahihirapan akong huminga sa bigat ng
dibdib ko. "I'm just sad today."
"I am, too. The days are quickly passing by and I couldn't wish for it to slow
down. It was disrespectful to Time."
"I couldn't wish for it to slow down, too." Pinaglandas ko ang mata ko sa kabuuan
ng mukha niya. "Because I want you free from all this sickness and pain."
Lumambong ang mga mata niya. Nangintab.
"It hurts when you're this sad," sabi niya sa'kin. "I don't want you sad, Natalie."
"I don't want you hurt. But we're in a loop of getting sad and getting hurt,"
bulong ko sa kanya. "I think I had wished to see you, that I got ahold of your
feather. I'm sorry."
Before I knew it, I was crying silently with him watching. My tears won't stop as
my heart throbs with pain.
I wanted to see him longer. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to see the world with
him. But staying will hurt and change him and I don't want that. He's already
perfect. He's already beautiful. The desires of my heart will destroy him.
Naramdaman ko ang daliri niya sa balat ko. He was tracing my tears, from my eyes to
the side of my face.
"It's okay to cry, Natalie."
Lalo akong napaiyak. "I'm so sorry. I'm so full of dreams of you and it's not
possible."
"Me, too," he said. "I have a lot of dreams about you, too."
Suminghot ako at pinilit kong tumigin sa kanya.
"I dream of being human just so I can do something about this feeling. I dream of
spending a lot of days with you. I dream of touching you and holding you whenever I
wanted. I dream of looking at a lot more stars on a lot more nights with you." He
smiled sadly. "But that's the way of this world and I'm not of this world. These
selfish desires I have for you will put us both in danger.
"It's easier to act on it and fulfill it with this flesh. I will kiss you, hold
you, and touch you all I want. But if I do that, these feelings that I have will
only last while I'm in this flesh. I don't want that for you. What I want is for
this to last. Once I'm free of mortality, these feelings will become pure and
eternal. And when that happens, it will still be for you."
I sobbed. "Outside of this life, there's a better place, right? A place without
tears, hunger, thirst, nor goodbyes. A place where restriction is not necessary."
He cupped the side of my face that he could touch. "Yes."
Tumango ako. "Okay."
Pumikit ako para pabagsakin ang namumuong luha sa mga mata ko. I want to see him
more while I can.
"It's okay if we don't get to fulfill any dreams," sabi ko sa kanya. "I'm actually
afraid of being touched. You know, right?"
"Yes." He smiled gently. "And I'm afraid of touching you."
But he was cupping my face and brushing his thumb on my cheek. Lightly as a
feather. Softly like a whisper. Every stroke of his thumb on my flesh brought tears
in my eyes. It hurts me gently, as if I was being stripped of all that I feared. It
felt so warm.
I don't feel dirty in his touch.
Inabot ko rin ang mukha niya at marahang inilapat ang palad ko sa pisngi niya. I
mirrored the touch of his fingers on my cheek.
He smiled. "It's warm."
I nodded.
We stared at each other's eyes while touching gently, wanting to remember the parts
we traced. I trailed the side of his face, his eyes, his nose, his lips, his chin.
I touched his hair.
He did the same.
That night, I, who was afraid of being touched and he, who was afraid to touch,
touched each other. We were fully clothed and we didn't speak another word. Yet, it
felt the most intimate I had ever shared with anyone.
When the night bade us goodnight, he pulled me in his arms to rest and kissed me
lightly on the forehead.
We fell asleep just like that.
And just like that, all our gentle nights gave way to the full moon. #1022g/07032
_____
TCWDM: Nagkamali ako. Hanggang Chapter 18 po pala ito. Plus Epilogue. ^__^V

Chapter 17: Full Moon

A pact made between a celestial and a mortal is sacred and absolute. Failure means
vanishment.

***
We woke up that day just like any other day. Naligo ako, nagbihis, kumain ng
almusal kasama sina Lolo Dimos at Prof. Henry, tumanggap ng baong pagkain, at
pumasok sa opisina. I called patients at the clinic. I checked schedules. I encoded
and checked progress reports. I ate lunch with Miss Van, Doktora, and Jeremy. And
then at exactly five o'clock, I left the clinic and hailed a taxi.
The darkness just started to settle when the vehicle stopped outside the house.
Bumaba ako pero hindi pumasok agad. Tinandaan ko ang asul na tarangkahan. Tiningala
ang bahay na gawa sa kahoy habang halos nagtatago sa likod nito ang bilog na buwan.
It was a bright full moon.
I bit my lip and held the feather in my necklace. It was glowing. It was beautiful.
Tonight, I have to help the owner of the feather go back to where he belongs-
somewhere out of my reach.
Nakarinig ako ng mga yabag bago pa 'ko mag-doorbell. Pinanood ko ang pagbukas ng
tarangkahan at ang paghakbang ni Prof. mula roon.
We stared at each other.
I smiled first. He smiled, too. Inilahad niya sa'kin ang kamay niya at mahigpit ko
iyong hinawakan.
"Nasa loob na si Dimos," sabi niya sa'kin. "Are you tired tonight?"
"Hindi. Ikaw?"
Sumulyap lang siya sa'kin at ngumiti.
Magkasabay kaming pumasok ng bahay kung saan naghihintay si Lolo Dimos sa living
room. Naupo kami katapat nito.
"Ngayong gabi, magpapatibay tayo ng testamento sa pagitan ninyong dalawa. Ang
testamento na sasang-ayunan ninyo ay pipigil sa kamatayan ng mortal. Sa bisa nito,
hihiramin ng mortal ang bahagi ng pakpak na kinuha niya sa loob ng isang takdang
panahon, at ibabalik sa ituturing na takdang araw. Isasagawa natin ang ritwal
pagsapit ng alas nueve." Bumaling sa'kin si Lolo at tumayo. "Bago iyon, kakausapin
muna kita, Natalie."
Pumihit si Lolo sa gawi ng aklatan. Nang akmang susunod ako at si Prof., nilingon
kami ni Lolo.
"Si Natalie lang, Athos."
Kunot ang noo ni Prof. pero idinaan na lang niya sa buntonghininga. Pinisil ko ang
kamay niya bago ako bumitiw at sumunod kay Lolo.
"Later."
***
Pinaupo ako ni Lolo sa isa sa mga lumang upuan sa aklatan pagpasok ko. Matiim
siyang tumingin sa akin.
"Hindi ko na hahabaan pa ang panimula. Ngayong gabi, tuluyang malilipat sa'yo ang
pinakahuli sa mga kapangyarihan na mayroon si Athos."
Nakatitig ako kay Lolo. Nakikinig nang mabuti sa mga sinasabi niya. Ayokong may
makaligtaan at magkamali.
"Hindi gustong ipaalam ni Athos sa'yo ang kapalit ng kasunduang bubuuin sa pagitan
ninyong dalawa. Pero bilang tagapamagitan, hindi pwedeng hindi ko sabihin sa'yo.
"Ang pinakahuling abilidad ng isang tulad niya ay ang pagbibigay ng kamatayan.
Ngayong gabi, ibibigay mo sa kanya ang kamatayan ng mortal niyang katawan."
Hindi ako nakakilos sa sinabi ni Lolo. "Ako po?"
"Hanggang ngayong gabi na lang ang limitasyon ng katawang-lupa na ibinigay ko sa
kanya. Wala nang iba pang panahon. Kung hindi ikaw ang gagawa sa pamamagitan ng
kasunduan, magbabago siya sa isang mas masamang anyo. Ang kailangan mo lang gawin
ay banggitin ang pangalan niya sa loob ng ritwal at maglalaho siya," sagot ni Lolo.
Nakuyom ko ang kamao ko. I know that tonight, Prof. is going back as Athos. Pero
hindi ko alam na ako ang magbibigay ng kamatayan sa kanya.
"Maraming paraan para kunin ni Athos ang balahibo sa'yo at iligtas ang sarili niya.
Maraming pagkakataon na pwede niyang binawi sa'yo ang pag-aari niya pero hindi niya
ginawa. Alam mo ba kung bakit?"
Umiling ako habang kagat ko ang labi ko. Nagpatuloy si Lolo sa pagsasalita.
"Sa bawat paraan para bawiin ang balahibo, ang kapalit ng bawat isa ay ang
kamatayan mo."
Nahigit ko ang hininga ko.
"Kung haharap siya sa'yo sa tunay niyang anyo at babawiin nang sapilitan ang
balahibo, mamamatay ka.
"Kung hihiramin niya ang katawan mo at susunugin ang balahibo, mamamatay ka.
"Kung kinuha niyang basta ang balahibo sa mga pagkakataong maaari niya iyong
nagawa, mamamatay ka.
"Dahil iyon sa katotohanang kinuha mo iyon sa kanya nang bigyan ka ng panibagong
buhay.
"Ang salamin ng buhay ay ang kamatayan. Ang hantungan ng buhay ay ang kamatayan.
Ang kabayaran ng buhay ay kapunuan ng kamatayan.
"Pero naniniwala siyang dapat kang mabuhay. Kaya wala siyang ginawa."
"Kung gano'n po, bakit pa siya nagkatawang-tao?"
"Para gumawa ng kasunduan sa'yo. Kung hindi kayo gagawa ng kasunduan at pababayaan
ka niya, kasabay ng pagbabago niya ay ang kamatayan mo."
Napatungo ako. Bumuntonghininga si Lolo.
"Tuwing kabilugan ng buwan, may Compline na nagpupunta para kunin sa'yo ang para
kay Athos. Pinipigilan niya bawat isa. Kasama roon ang akala mo ay tagasundo na
nakita mo sa bakuran. Kasama rin doon si Lua."
Hinang-hina na 'ko habang nagsasalita si Lolo. Gusto ko na lang lumabas sa silid at
puntahan si Prof.
"Pero kahit ang kasunduang gagawin sa pagitan ninyo, hindi pa rin sigurado. Hindi
ka mamamatay dahil sa kasunduan at makakabalik si Athos sa tunay niyang anyo...
pero walang magbabago sa inyong dalawa.
"Mawawalan ng kamatayan ang mortal mong katawan. Hindi ka makararanas na masugatan.
Makikita mo ang lahat ng kamatayan ng lahat ng mga taong makikilala mo maliban sa
ilang mga taong may lahing sagrado at iyong mga isinumpa. Maririnig mo ang iniisip
ng mga taong nasa paligid mo na sinusundan ng kamatayan. Iindahin mo ang mga daing
nila at dalangin.
"Bilang kapalit, lahat ng sakit, sugat, at kahinaan mo ay kay Athos darating. Sa
anyo niya bilang isang tagasundo, hindi maghihilom ang bawat sugat na ibibigay mo
sa kanya. Hindi huhupa ang sakit na ipapasa mo. Hindi matatanggal ang kahinaan.
"Kapag nakagawa ka ng mortal na kasalanan sa daigdig-magnakaw, pumatay, makiapid,
mainggit-at tinalo nito nang tuluyan ang iyong pang-unawa, magiging diyos ng
karahasan si Athos.
"Gagaling lang ang bawat sugat, sakit, at kahinaan kapag ibinalik mo na ang
pagmamay-ari niya. Maaampat lang ang lahat ng pasakit at mabibihisan siyang muli ng
panibagong pakpak, kapag nabuhay ka nang may pananampalataya sa buhay mong ito."
I was shaking. So, this testament will make me live while he's in pain.
"Pa'no po kung ayokong gumawa ng testamento?" tanong ko.
Ngumiti nang nakauunawa si Lolo Dimos sa'kin. As if he knew that I know the answer
to my own question. And he was right. I knew why I would sign a testament.
If I refused to made a pact with Athos, I would die. I would have let him changed
into a death god for violent death. I would have refused everything that he did for
me so far. I would have refused everything that he is willing to go through for me
for a chance at life that he thinks I deserve.
He is too much.
"Kapag hindi ko po naibalik ang balahibo sa takdang araw, ano'ng mangyayari?" I
asked.
"Mawawala nang tuluyan si Athos. Sa mundong ito at sa iba pang mundo."
Umiling ako. "Hindi mangyayari 'yun."
"Ayoko ring mangyari iyon," sabi ni Lolo. "Pero ang pagpasok sa kasunduan ay
pagpasok sa isang bagay na walang kasiguruhan. Ikaw na isang tao ay laging
naghahanap at maghahanap ng bagay na panghahawakan. Wala akong maibibigay sa'yo.
"Kung dumating ang takdang araw na maibalik mo ang pagmamay-ari ni Athos, hindi ko
alam kung ano ang eksaktong mangyayari sa'yo. May ibang pumasok sa kasunduang gaya
nito pero walang nagsasabi kung ano ang nangyayari sa kanila.
"Kakayanin mo ba?"
Pumikit ako nang mariin.
Isang kasunduang walang kasiguruhan. Isang buhay na maaaring maging kamatayan ni
Athos. Isang buhay na maaaring mabulid sa kasalanan.
I've sinned against myself all my life. I was given two deaths. I was always given
a chance to live. What is my chance to survive this kind of ordeal?
"Make it, stupid human."
Someone wanted me to live. That someone is placing his faith and his existence on
my stupidity. That someone wanted to remember me and treasure me eternally.
Kaya sumagot ako kay Lolo.
"There is knowledge and mercy far greater than what I possess. I trust that mercy."
Ngumiti si Lolo Dimos.
"Hangad ko ring magtagumpay kayo."
***
Nagawa pa naming kumain ng hapunan, kumuha ng litrato, at magkuwentuhan. Ang daming
bilin ni Prof. na ini-record ko sa cellphone ko.
Pagdating ng alas otso, pumunta kami sa likod-bahay. Bahagya nang mataas ang bilog
na buwan. Maliwanag. At puno ng bituin ang langit.
If it was a regular night, we would be out sitting on the swinging bench in silence
while looking up at the stars-and it would be perfect. I would sleep knowing that
when I wake the next morning, I will see Prof. again with his cowlicks and his
almost frown.
But this was the fifth full moon and I have to send him back.
Pinatayo kami ni Lolo Dimos nang nakaharap sa isa't isa. Kinuha niya ang balahibong
suot ko at inilagay sa isang mahabang panali. He corded us with the rope holding
the feather.
Pagkatapos ay tumungo siya na tila nananalangin.
"Are you scared?" bulong ni Prof. sa akin.
Tumingala ako sa kanya. His caramel eyes spoke of a thousand words and I understand
them all. We were saying goodbye.
"Aren't you scared?" I asked back.
"No. You will make it. I know."
Kumurap ako para pigilan ang luha ko. I have to look at him properly. Kailangan ko
siyang makita at matandaan sa lahat ng segundong lilipas na pwede ko pa siyang
tingnan.
"When you slit your wrist the first time and your soul was about to leave your
body, I saw you, then. You asked me why it was so sad to die. You asked me why even
death was unfair to you.
"You were expecting to be happy when you ended your life, and got disappointed when
you felt the same loneliness.
"Then you begged me to have mercy for your life.
"You were not asking to live, then. You're just asking not to be sad and lonely.
So, the Creator gave you life through me."
Pinanonood ko siya sa malumanay niyang pananalita.
"When you lived and were vulnerable for all the deaths around you, I couldn't stay
still. Because you were still dying everyday. I knew that if you died then, you
would still be sad and disappointed.
"I had to intervene because you were given to me by the Creator. I took that to
mean that you should die a death befitting of you.
"I designed a death for you, fully intending to take you. But I prayed, too. I
prayed for you when you confessed that you wanted to live.
"You were granted this life, not by me, but by the Creator. That's why I don't want
you to lose it just because you accidentally grabbed my feather with your wish to
see me again.
"You deserve this life, Natalie. And because of His great mercy towards you, I know
that you will make it."
Tumango ako. "I understand."
"When I was given this body and I saw you for the first time, I was proud to see
you looking well. My heart swelled with joy because for someone stupid, you're
actually figuring out your life little by little."
Nangiti ako. I remembered getting weirded out by him because he looked familiar but
I couldn't figure out why.
"I only lived again for months but it was meaningful because it's with you. This
heart learned what love is because of you. You have given me something precious to
remember.
"I'm sorry to have only given you uncertainty and pain."
Umiling ako. Mabigat na mabigat na ang dibdib ko sa pagpipigil na umiyak.
Nagliwanag ang paligid namin nang matapos ang pagdarasal ni Lolo Dimos. Purple
curtains of light unveiled from above us. It surrounded the two of us. Danced
around us. Encircled us in a little circle.
"It's almost time," sabi ni Prof. "Are you scared?"
Tumango ako habang mariin kong kagat ang labi ko.
"Don't be. I'm still with you," he said.
Gumapang ang kakaibang init at enerhiya sa loob ng katawan ko habang patuloy na
sumasayaw ang liwanag sa paligid namin. Napatingin ako kay Lolo Dimos.
He was changing into someone else. Kuminis ang dating mga kulubot ng balat niya at
tumikas ang tindig. Tumingala siya sa langit at sa pag-usal niya ng isang salita na
hindi ko narinig, bumuka ang pakpak niya.
It was quite a display of magnificent wings. Itim ang kanang pakpak niya at puti
naman ang sa kaliwa.
"That's the wings of the Complines," sabi ni Prof. sa'kin.
Nararamdaman kong nauubos na ang bawat segundo at minuto na pwede ko pang makita si
Prof. It's ironic how the heart knows the moment of goodbyes well, when it can
barely remember the moment of meetings.
Humugong ang tunog ng isang trumpeta sa kaitaasan habang pinupuno ng kakaibang
kapangyarihan ang katawan ko. Heat crept into my veins, pumping up my blood,
sharpening my vision.
"Sa loob ng dalawampung taon, ipagkakaloob sa mortal ang bahagi ng pakpak ng isang
tagasundo. Sa ikalimang pagbibilog ng buwan sa ikadalawampung taon ay ibabalik ng
mortal ang bahagi ng pakpak sa lugar na ito.
"Ang hindi pagsunod sa kasunduan ay nangangahulugan ng kaparusahan hanggang sa
kabilang buhay," anunsyo ng Compline. "Sa anumang sandali mula ngayon, sa pagbuka
ng pakpak ng tagasundo ay maaari nang igawad ng mortal ang kamatayan ng katawan
nito. Ito ang magtatalaga sa bisa ng testamento."
Tumingala ako at tumitig kay Prof. na nasa harap ko. He was looking at me with
gentle eyes.
I watched as his silver wings spread out in magnificence; with the purple dancing
light, the star-filled sky, and the moon on his background. Each piece of his
feather glittered of moonshine. The gloss reflected on his wings cast glitters of
light in the fine strands of his hair.
He is a death god and he looked so beautiful.
"Don't be scared now. Live your life the way you wanted. Find your meaning. I will
wait for you at the end of this life."
I know that he will be waiting. I know everything that he did and everything that
he would do for me.
Even though, I'm just a stupid human being.
I dared get smarter with life that has been running its course dedicatedly for a
million years.
I dared get smarter with death that has been designing its best dedicatedly for a
million years.
Life and death follow each other's back, dance with each other's step, and meet
each other's eyes when the time comes.
I know now that I'm a creation designed to live with the time given to me, to
surrender to the death designed just for me, to leave my own print in the intricacy
of the universe.
I am inadequate and yet I am being loved so wholly.
I am a speck of dust and yet I am standing before this perfection; longing for this
man, yearning for this god.
Nanginig ang labi ko sa pagsubok na magsalita.
I am stupidly scared of things that would seem trivial to the universe.
"What I'm afraid of is not seeing you tomorrow when I wake up and not remembering
you when I miss you. I'm afraid of my memory of you fading.
"I want to hold on to all of my memories of you as Henry. I want to cherish every
night that we stargaze in silence; every morning I spent bantering with you; every
conversation we ever had. I want to cherish every gentle nights we held each other.
"I'm afraid of causing you more pain once I let you go. But I will try my best not
to because you believe in me.
"I'm not going to be afraid of this life anymore because you are waiting at the end
of it.
"Meeting you, falling in love with you, and being loved by you is my greatest
miracle. I have been given a very precious gift and I will cherish it until the
time we're allowed to meet again."
Ngumiti sa'kin si Prof.
"And when we meet again, this heart you made to beat will still remember."
Hinawakan niya ang kuyom kong kamao at pinayapa ang panginginig ko.
"Come closer and give me my death, Natalie. You just have to say my name."
I should but I'm scared. So, I gasped for air and stared at him longer. It would
take just a second for me to call his name and for him to disappear. Paano ko
ibibigay sa kanya ang isang kamatayan na hindi ko pagsisisihan?
"How should I give it?" I asked him. "I'm stupid, you know."
Naghinang ang mga mata namin. Nangusap.
He knew I wouldn't want to let him go. I knew he wouldn't want to leave.
But the purple curtains of light are dancing, calling out to him. His silver wings
is glowing, preparing him to fly.
"Help me let you go," bulong ko. "I can't do it on my own."
"Then," he said and took a step closer, "I'll take my death from your lips."
He lifted my chin up for a kiss. Tumingala ako at sumuko sa sayaw ng labi niya.
Everything seemed frozen-the trumpets, the lights, the twinkle of the stars.
Nothing matters but his lips perfectly fitted into mine, a gentle fire lighting me
up, a memory of the stars and moon shining.
When he let me go, he looked at me with longing.
"See you again, Natalie."
My heart bled.
"I love you, Athos," I said and smiled.
He smiled one last smile at me and whispered, "As I love you, little thing."
Then, slowly, the purple curtains of light danced into darkness. And my death god
was blown by the wind into thousands glowing dandelion seeds.
Napaluhod ako sa lupa nang mawala ang lahat ng kinang, kulay, at liwanag. Nang
mawala sa hangin ang bawat piraso niya. Nang maiwan ako at ang lambong ng gabi.
I let my tears fall nonstop. I let out a scream calling his name. I let every piece
of me grieve as I hold his silver feather in my hands.
I cried for hours.
Nang humupa ang pag-iyak ko at tumayo ako, mataas na konkretong bakod ang nasa
tagiliran ko. There was no trace of a house nor a blue gate. I was at the dead end
of a street.
Magkita tayong muli sa bahay na ito sa pagtatapos ng testamento, Natalie.
Mabuhay ka.
He was really gone.
Inilapat ko sa dibdib ko ang balahibong hawak ko at mariing pumikit. # 0316u /
07042017

Chapter 18: After Death

A death god is a human once.

***

Dearest Eunice,

I hope you're feeling better today. Sorry kung kailangan kong bumalik ng Pilipinas
at iwan ka sa gitna ng gamutan mo. Palagay ako dahil alam kong matibay ka at kasama
mo ang dalawang anak mo diyan. Hindi rin umaalis sa tabi mo si Jeremy. You have a
fortress and a knight with you.

Thank you for understanding why I have to go back. Alam kong ilang taon mong
pinagtiyagaan ang mga kwento ko sa isang taong hindi mo matandaan. Hanggang ngayon,
nagpapasalamat akong hindi mo 'ko ipina-confine sa psychiatric hospitals. Haha.

Alam kong nag-alala ka no'ng sinabi ko sa'yong makikipagkita ako sa kanya. But
believe me, I will meet him. For certain. We made a promise to meet at an exact day
at an exact time. That day is today. He's always true to his promises. I know that
after all the years of remembering him alone, I will finally get to see him again.

Thank you for being wonderful. Kayo ni Jeremy ang bestest of the best friends that
I have. Yeah, I know, wala talaga 'kong ibang kaibigan kundi kayo. Don't roll your
eyes, dear. Haha.

Thank you for giving me shelter when I had none. For being patient with me during
those nights when I would cry for no reason. For keeping me by your side for the
last twenty years.

I may not have much in this life but I sure received much love from you.

I will always pray to the gods about your sickness. Whatever happens, enjoy the
time that you have with your children and your husband. Don't be scared of
anything-time running out or dying. The Creator is always watching over you.

I love you, Eunice.

Your dearest Natalie

***

Huminga ako nang malalim habang nakaupo sa bench, sa park ng subdivision kung saan
ako tumira noon. The gold of dusk bathed the street lined with trees, the full
grass of the park, and the houses nearby. Halos wala nang tao sa kalye.

I wonder why people stopped watching the dusk. It's one of the finest time before
the light give in to the night. The gold veiled into the world is a soft trigger of
reminiscing the past.

Naghihintay na lang ako ng gabi bago umuwi sa bahay.

It has been twenty years.

Twenty years ago, sinundo ako ni Eunice dito rin sa park na 'to. Nagpasundo raw
ako. There was a message on her cellphone coming from me when I didn't send her
one.

She was so confused to see me bawling my eyes out. Akala niya, may nangyaring
masama sa'kin.

Nagtataka siya kung anong ginagawa ko sa subdivision na 'yun na walang kinalaman

sa'kin. Hindi niya naaalala si Prof. o si Lolo Dimos. Sa memory niya, may nilipatan
akong bahay pero nasunog. Pagkatapos, sa kanila na raw ako tumira. Bihira lang daw
kaming magkita dahil magkaiba ang schedules ng internship namin. Sa bahay nila 'ko
sinusundo ni Jeremy para sa dates.

Kahit si Jeremy, walang naaalala kay Prof. Sa memory niya, si Eunice ang ilang ulit
nagkasakit at nagpauwi sa'kin sa tuwing napuputol ang date namin. Alam niyang may
mahal akong iba-a professor-pero hindi ko raw sinabi ang pangalan.

Their stories matched so well, it would have been easy to believe it if not for the
glowing feather on my neck and the pain that's suffocating me. Wala akong hawak na
kahit ano para masiguro sa sarili ko na totoo ang lahat ng nangyari-no house, no
pictures, no voice recording.

After that night, I live on. Tinapos ko ang internship ko. I graduated and landed a
job at a university. Nagbo-volunteer ako as counselor and workshop facilitator sa
ilang ampunan. I organized a help group for suicidals and victims of abuse composed
of psychologists and psychiatrists. Nag-aral akong mag-drawing para maiguhit ko si
Athos at ang mga alaala namin.

Buwan-buwan ay umuuwi rin ako sa Lopez para kina Sister Janet at Father Dan. I was
with them on the last day of their lives. Ako rin ang nag-asikaso ng funerals nila.

Ginusto kong bumili ng sarili kong bahay pero nang mamatay ang mga magulang ni
Eunice, pinatira ako ni Eunice sa bahay na minana niya. Naging malapit sila ni
Jeremy dahil sa'kin, hanggang sa umabot sa kasalan.

Ten years ago, Jeremy and Eunice migrated to Canada and I was left in the country.
Nagkaroon sila ng dalawang anak-a boy and a girl. Two years ago, na-diagnose with
ovarian cancer si Eunice. I went to Canada to give her support. I told her when I
'dreamt' of her death.

Eunice knew that I have 'foretelling dreams'. She will die weeks from now, in her
hospital bed. Her last words were, "Sabi ko na nga ba, babalikan mo 'ko".

For twenty years, I heard and saw deaths. I live with deaths and the dying. I heard
prayers-for more time, for a chance at life, for a peaceful death. I heard pleas-to
die, to condemn others to die, to die a swift death. I walked with death gods and
bowed heads with them as a sign of respect. I talked to Kyros sometimes to ask how
he was doing. Like Athos, his answer was always, "I'm okay".

I met so many men but no one compared to a dumb death god. I couldn't marry.
Minsan, inisip ko kung magiging kakulangan sa buhay ko 'yung hindi ko pagpapamilya.
But I couldn't find it in my heart to look at anyone and imagine a possibility of a
family. What was in my heart were fond memories of waking up with Athos, conversing
with Athos, and stargazing with Athos. May magtanong pa lang ng date sa'kin,
naririnig ko na ang boses niyang nagsasabing, "Don't date her".

I always remember him. I hear his reminders every time I was having a hard time. I
see him in every white overalls and suits. I missed him every day.

Sa tuwing may naglalakad sa unahan ko, ang nakikita ko ay ang mga paa niyang
humahakbang. Sa tuwing may naglalakad sa tagiliran ko, ang nakikita ko ay ang
paglakad niya kasabay ko at pagsulyap niya sa akin. Sa tuwing naglalakad ako nang
karaniwan, ang naririnig ko ay ang mga yabag niyang nakasunod.

He surrounded me completely.

May mga gabi, kapag pagod na pagod ako at suot ko ang puting jacket na bigay niya,
na napapanaginipan ko siya. We talked in dreams. Magkatalikuran kami. Nararamdaman
ko ang pakpak niya sa likod ko at kahit na anong subok kong humarap, we always
ended up with our backs to each other; my warmth against his wings. He was
reminding me not to be so sad because he was watching over me. He was telling me to
take good care of myself. And whenever I will tell him I love him, he will call me
stupid. He always whispered he loves me before my dream ended.

Whenever it happened, I would wake up happy and hurt. Ngingiti ako para umiyak.
Iiyak ako para ngumiti. Pagkatapos ay tatayo ako at sisimulan uli ang isang
panibagong araw, dahil; isa, bawat araw ay isang regalo sa'kin ng Lumikha; ikalawa,
bawat araw ay magkahati kaming humaharap sa buhay; at tatlo, bawat araw ay isang
araw para mapalapit sa pagkikita naming dalawa.

I lived my life to the best I could so that I can tell him good stories when we
finally meet.

I lived my life in full so that tonight, I could come home to a house I knew so
well.

Tiningala ko ang bilog na buwan sa langit at ngumiti sa sinag nito. Katulad ng

gabing umalis si Athos, nakasabog ang bituin sa langit.

It was a good night to meet death.

I walked the familiar street leading to the end of the street. Each step closer was
a prayer. I didn't live a saintly life to ask for a miracle. I know there were days
when I have been too lonely, too sad. There were days when I was angry of being
alive. But most days, I feel the sun. Most days, I smiled genuinely knowing I was
being loved. Most days, I cried happy tears for still remembering moments with him.
Most days were beautiful.

Kung may hinihingi man akong himala ngayon, 'yun ay ang makita ang uli ang bahay ni
Lolo Dimos at maibalik ang balahibo. Anuman ang mangyari sa akin pagkatapos, hindi
ko na iniisip. Ang importante, pagbalik kay Athos ng bahagi ng pakpak niya,
magagamot ang lahat ng sugat, masusugasan ang lahat ng sakit, maibabalik ang lakas,
at mabibihisan siya ng panibagong pakpak. Ang importante, sa dulo ng lahat ng ito,
nabuhay ako dahil sa kanya at magpapatuloy siya dahil sa akin. Hindi man kami
magtagpo sa mundong ito o sa iba pang mundo, wala na 'kong hahanapin pa.

I met him. I met the love who raised me up to the Creator. A love that was enough
to keep me breathing. A love that cleansed me of horrible dreams and memories. A
love that lasted until this day I chose to die.

Dahan-dahan, sa bawat hakbang, nagkaroon ng anyo sa dulo ng kalsada. Napangiti ako

nang matapat sa pamilyar na asul na tarangkahan at tumingala sa malaking bahay na
natatalikuran ang bilog na buwan.

I touched the gate with my fingertips and remembered the many times I waited for it
to open, with his face to welcome me.

Bago pa 'ko makapag-doorbell, bumukas ang pinto.

Nakangiti sa'kin si Lolo Dimos. Kulubot uli siya. Matikas pero parang nanlalabo ang
mga mata.

"Eksakto ka sa oras, anak," sabi niya.

Ngumiti ako nang malapad. "I've been waiting for this for twenty years, Lolo. Hindi
ako male-late."

Niluwangan niya ang awang ng tarangkahan at pinapasok ako.

We passed by the bench swing outside the house and my heart swelled in pain. Parang
kailan lang, nakaupo ako ro'n nang tahimik at nakatingala sa mga bituin kasama
siya.

"Hinayaan kong manatili ang itsura nitong bahay sa loob ng mahabang panahon. Para
sa pagbalik mo," sabi ni Lolo Dimos.

"Salamat po."

Tumuloy kami sa kabahayan hanggang sa aklatan, samantalang naiiwan ang mata ko sa

lahat ng bahagi na may alaala ni Athos.

He used to stand by the right arc leading to the kitchen. He used to sit and read
at the right side of the set of long couches. He used to stop by his bedroom door
at the left to throw one last glance at me every night.

I cherished every memory of him, drowned into the waves of feelings, and breathed
deeply.

Pumasok kami ni Lolo sa aklatan. Hinubad ko ang kuwintas ko at maingat na binaklas

ang balahibong naroon. Nang ilahad ni Lolo ang palad niya sa akin, ibinigay ko ang
balahibo.

Lumakad si Lolo palapit sa mesa niya kung saan may glass cylinder. Kulay ginto ang
takip niyon. Binuksan niya ang cylinder at inihulog sa loob niyon ang bahagi ng
pakpak.
The feather glowed inside the cylinder and turned transparent, until it faded into
nothingness.

Nakamata ako.

"Tapos na. Natanggap na ni Athos ang bahagi ng pakpak niya," baling ni Lolo sa'kin.
"Salamat sa pagtupad sa testamento, anak."

Lumunok ako sa pagkakatayo ko sa gitna ng silid. This isn't what I expected.

"Lolo... akala ko po, ako ang magbibigay ng balahibo ni Athos sa kanya," sabi ko.

Ngumiti lang siya. "Trabaho ng mga Compline ang magbalik ng mga ganoong bagay,
anak."

Huminga ako nang malalim at pinayapa ang sarili ko. It was my time to die. "Ano na
po ang gagawin ko?"

Ilang sandaling pinagmasdan ako ni Lolo habang nabubuntonghininga.

"Hindi ko akalaing babalik ka talaga, anak. Madaling magbago at makalimot ang tao.
Ilang taon akong nag-alala para kay Athos."

Ngumiti ako. "Sabi ko naman sa inyo, hindi ko hahayaang may mangyaring masama sa
kanya."

"Kaya nga lubos akong nagpapasalamat. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mangyayari
sa'yo ngayon, anak. Ikaw ang unang beses na nakabalik sa lahat ng kasunduang
itinali ko sa isang selestyal at isang mortal," sabi niya. Lumapit siya sa'kin at
hiningi ang palad ko. Inilagay niya roon ang isang puting bato.

Pinakatitigan ko ang bato habang humahakbang paatras si Lolo.

"Mula rito, nagtatapos na ang trabaho ko bilang Compline. Hindi ko masisiguro kung
ano ang mangyayari sa'yo; kung paano ka hahatulan, o kung makikita mo nga ba si
Athos bago ka mapunta sa kung saan ka nais ilagay ng Lumikha. Pero manampalataya
ka, anak. Naniniwala akong naging mabuti ang buhay mo."

Tumango ako kay Lolo. "Ano na po ang gagawin ko?"

"Kailangan mo lang humakbang ng isa at mawawala ka sa silid na ito. Kung saan ka

mapupunta at kung ano ang mangyayari sa'yo, hangad ko ang patnubay ng Lumikha."

Lumunok ako at bumuntonghininga. Anuman ang mangyari, gusto ko lang makita uli si
Athos kahit isang segundo lang. Pagkatapos no'n, mapapayapa na 'ko.

Inihakbang ko muna ang kanang paa ko, at natagpuan ang sarili kong nakatitig sa
isang walang hanggang dilim na lumamon sa bahaging iyon ng silid. Lumingon ako kay
Lolo Dimos na naroon pa rin. Nakatingin din siya sa akin.

"Patnubayan ka, anak."

Natatakot ako sa kawalang kasiguruhan na nagtatago sa kadilimang kaharap ko. Pero

alam kong papatnubayan ako ng Lumikha at kakanlungin ng walang hanggan Niyang
kaawaan.

"Paalam po, Lolo," sabi ko at tuluyang humakbang sa kadiliman.

***

Sa isang bahay na hindi nakikita sa dulo ng daan ay dumagundong ang kulog. Sa loob
ng aklatan nito ay nakaupong magkaharap sa tsaa ang dalawang Compline na sina Dimos
at Lua.

Sa malaking bintana nito, kung saan tanaw ang mundo ng mga tao, ay nakita ang
pagguhit ng isang matalim na kidlat sa kalangitang budbod ng bituin.

Nagtaas ng mukha si Dimos sa babaeng nasa katapat na upuan at humihigop ng tsaa.

Alam nila ang kahulugan ng kidlat.

Iniangat niya ang tasa sa kasama at ngumiti. "Nagkita na sila."

#0814g/07042017

Epilogue: Dandelions

***
Kinain ako ng dilim. Anumang pilit kong lumingon o unawain kung nasaan ako, walang
silbi. Wala akong makita. Walang nakikita. Hindi ko rin maramdaman ang katawan ko.
I was in a void, in a pit, in a never-ending darkness.
A voice, uncharacteristic of neither a man nor a woman, neither a child nor an
elder, spoke.
"You are sinful."
I agreed. I was a sin since the moment I was conceived. I was born a sin. I lived
with sin. I died twice of sin.
But when I lived the second time, I lived with hope. With faith. With love.
I lived looking for meaning.
"You are scared."
I am. Because I am a human being obsessed with certainty and this darkness is
threatening.
But I will be okay, because I know that wherever I go, the Creator's mercy is
always enough.
"So, you said."
The voice echoed for a long time in the void and when it faded, I saw a bolt of
lightning slowly traveling from high up. I thought of running to it before it hit
the ground and disappear, but I couldn't feel my body.
"Walk."
I tried to walk but I couldn't make sense of my movement. Hindi ko alam kung
gumagapang ako o gumugulong. Pero sa dahan-dahang pagguhit ng liwanag ay nakita ko
ang napakaraming panahon.
I saw the flow of time with the events charted to it.
I saw, heard, smelt, tasted, felt, and suffered the conflicts of men. I saw the
many wars and wept with every blood spilled. I heard their many devastations and
their many condemnations. I tasted the filth from their sins and their greed to
life. I felt many hearts breaking over lives lost; many hearts longing for peace;
many hearts yearning for purpose. I bled for their own imprisonment and degradation
of their kind. I broke for their betrayal against the grace of the Creator.
I saw humanity in its thousand years of sinning and regretting. I saw its thousand
years of birth and death and rebirth.
I was poured of everything-their every pain, love, despair, fear, hope-while my
bones were being crushed under my breaking skin.
I was being stripped off my body-skin by skin, bone by bone, vein by vein. I might
have shrieked in pain but I couldn't hear my voice.
The sin of men for a thousand years was too much to taste. I couldn't swallow it
all nor look at it all.
Then the voice asked me again.
"You've seen men in their many faces and their many lives. You saw them sinning and
regretting and sinning again. You saw them turned their back from the source of
their life. You saw them embraced the darkest of their falls.
"You've lived like them in four rebirths. Though you don't remember it all, you're
familiar with the filth you've tainted yourselves with.
"What do humans need to redeem themselves from their own destruction?"
I could taste my own blood as I was being burned. Alive. The fire I couldn't see
was burning every part of my body.
"Natalie, what do you need to redeem yourself from sin?"
I cried and this time, I heard my voice.
I answered in pain.
"Your mercy. Your mercy is always enough."
As soon as I said the words, the stark of light hit me and burst into different
directions. I gasped in the comfort of its warmth, before it dropped me. Patalikod
akong bumulusok, nakasakay sa mga talsik ng liwanag; nakatitig sa dilim na papaliit
nang papaliit.
I hit the ground with my eyes closed. Nakatakip ang isang braso ko sa mga mata ko,
habang kamal ko ang isang puting bato.
I waited to die but nothing's coming for me. Nang maamoy ko ang bango ng iba't
ibang bulaklak, unti-unti kong ibinaba sa tagiliran ang mga braso ko at nagmulat.
I stared into a clear, blue sky. The sun was shining brightly, warmly.
Tumayo ako at pinagmasdan ang mga kamay ko, ang balat ko. Nothing seemed to be
missing from me.
Luminga ako sa walang hanggang hardin ng bulaklak na nakapalibot sa akin. Ibinaba
ko ang puting batong hawak ko sa mga katulad nitong nasa daan. I walked, fascinated
with everything I see. There were flowers everywhere. Butterflies. Bees. Birds were
flying by.
I walked until I saw an arc of flowers, with a bench made of plant root and vines.
A death god was sitting at the bench while dandelion seeds were blowing between us.
I was a few feet away but I could see the death god clearly. He has caramel brown
eyes and rebellious cowlicks sticking out of his head. He was smiling a gentle
smile while looking at me.
I know the name of that god. I dreamt of meeting that god one last time. I love
that god.
"Athos!"
Lumapad ang ngiti niya sa pagtawag ko sa pangalan niya.
"Your wings look good on you," he said.
I looked at my back and touched a pair of silver wings.
I ran to him.
#1007g/07042017

Author's Note

***
I finished writing After Death, last installment of Hello, Death books today, 10:07
PM, 4th of July 2017, with 52, 591 words.

Sa lahat ng sumabay, umantabay, nag-comment, nagwelga, nag-PM-tweet-post para sa

kaligayahan nina Henry/Athos at Natalie, maraming, maraming salamat.
Natapos ko nang mabilis ang kwento dahil masaya kayo mag-comment. Dahil sinamahan
n'yo ko, na-inspire akong magsulat kahit na pagod.
Kayong mga Team Abang at Team Refresh, kayong proud sa pagiging first honor sa
voting at comments, kayong nakipagligaligan sa'kin habang sinusulat ang kwentong
ito, you've witnessed how I finished this story. You're all very special to me.
Sa totoo lang kasi, di ko na nababasa masyado ang comments kapag completed na ang
book. Ang nababasa ko, yung mga comments sa kung ano ang latest update ko. Haha.
So, yung nagco-comment sa latest update ang readers na mabilis kong matandaan. :3
Again, maraming salamat at samahan n'yo sana ako uli sa susunod pa nating mga
kwento.
WALA NANG SPECIAL CHAPTER. WALA NA RING SEQUEL ANG SEQUEL. HAHAHAHAHA.
Natalie and Athos are both happy sharing a pure and eternal love.
Wuv you! Sa uulitin!
TCWDM

Scene 16.1: New Moon

TCWDM: Since walang special chapters, this is a cut scene na hindi na napasama sa
kwento, pero gusto ko pa ring isulat dahil sa #HenLie at #NaThos heart ko. Haha. Sa
timeline ito before Chapter 17: Full Moon. Enjoy! ^____^
***
It was almost dusk. I was running out of breath when I reached the blue gate.
Huminga muna ako nang malalim at inayos ang damit at buhok ko bago nag-doorbell.
I closed my eyes and listened to Prof.'s steady footsteps. He's coming to the gate.
Nakangiti na 'ko bago pa bumukas ang tarangkahan.
"Hello, Prof.! Nakabalik na 'ko!" sabi ko nang makita siya at ipinresenta ang hawak
kong plastic bag. "I've brought us donuts."
Kunot ang noo niya sa'kin. "Why are you back so early?"
I blinked. What is he talking about?
It's already late. Mas maaga ko pa nga sanang gustong umuwi pero na-traffic ako
mula sa huling ampunan na pinuntahan ko.
"It's Saturday. Are you done with your date?" he asked and checked the streets.
"Where's the intern?"
Hinahanap niya si Jeremy? Sumimangot ako.
Akala ba niya ay may date ako ngayon? Pagkatapos naming matulog nang magkatabi ng
nagdaang gabi, iniisip niyang makikipag-date pa rin ako sa iba?
"Wala akong date ngayon," sabi ko at humakbang papasok ng bakuran.
I watched him close the gate. Hinintay ko siyang makalapit sa'kin at sinabayan siya
sa paghakbang.
"I thought you left for the intern."
"No," sagot ko. "Bumisita ako sa dalawang ampunan today."
Hindi siya nagkomento roon.
"Do you want to eat an early dinner?" he asked, instead.
Sinulyapan ko siya. Makapal na naman ang jacket na suot niya. "Are you sick again,
Prof.?"
Ngumiti lang uli siya kaysa sumagot. "Early dinner?"
Tumango ako at napahigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa plastic na bitbit. I want to
stargaze and eat donuts with him after dinner, pero mukhang hindi posible dahil may
sakit na naman siya.
"Kumain na tayo agad para makapahinga ka," sabi ko. "Magpapalit lang akong damit."
"Go on."
I hurried to the kitchen and put the donuts inside the fridge. Then, I hurried to
the stairs to go to my room.
But he said, "Go slowly, Natalie."
Lumingon ako sa kanya at ngumiti. Binagalan ko ang hakbang ko. "Sandali lang ako,
Prof."
"Take your time."
As soon as I'm out of his sight, I rushed to my room. I washed myself and changed
clothes. I combed my hair. Tapos, bumalik ako sa kusina.
Tumulong ako nang maabutan kong naghahanda ng hapag si Prof. Magkaharap kaming
kumain ng hapunan.
He wasn't saying much but he was constantly looking at me.
"Ano 'yun, Prof.?" I asked. "May itatanong ka pa?"
"Nothing. I just want to look at you."
Nalunok ko nang maaga 'yung nginunguya ko. Pinigilan kong umubo pero nag-abot pa
rin siya ng baso ng tubig sa'kin.
"I thought it's weird that Eunice wasn't here earlier to doll you up," sabi niya.
"Hindi ka rin sinundo ng intern."
I cleared my throat. "Kasi ano... Sinabi ko kay Jeremy na hindi na kami pwedeng
mag-date."
"Really? Why?"
Nginuya ko nang mabuti ang kinakain ko at umiwas sa mga mata niya.
"Because I don't want to, anymore."
"Why not? He's a good human. There's no sign of karma on him. He looks like he can
listen to you, too."
Tumitig ako kay Prof. Kung makapagtanong siya, parang hindi niya sinabihan si
Jeremy dati nang tumataginting na Don't date her.
"Then, do you want me to continue dating him?"
He winced as if in pain.
"I..." It's his turn to clear his throat. "I didn't say that."
At least, he doesn't lie.
"I can't date him when I don't like him," sabi ko na lang.
Uminom siya ng tubig at iniwasan ang mata ko.
"And you say it hurts you every Saturday," dagdag ko pa. "I don't want you hurt."
"Why would you think about what I said?"
"Because I think about it," nakanguso kong tanong sa kanya. And I'll be thinking
about it kahit na ayawan ko pa.
Hindi siya umimik.
"I want to be with you every Saturday."
Tumungo siya sa pagkain niya at namula ang tainga.
"You're always sick, too. I want to look after you."
"I'm okay," he said. "You don't have to think about me."
"I'm not okay... if I know you're not okay."
Lalong namula ang tainga niya.
"So it's okay not to date anyone and just stay with you, right?" untag ko.
Nakaabang sa pag-angat ng mukha niya. He must be blushing with the way his ears
turned red.
But he's void of expression when he finally looked at me. "Eat properly, stupid."
Stupid na naman. I couldn't see it in his face but my instinct says that he must
have liked what he heard. Gumaan kasi ang mukha niya. Nawala 'yung simangot.
"Yes, dumb death god."
Hindi ko na siya kinulit hanggang matapos kaming kumain.
***
Dalawa kaming nagligpit ng mesa. Dalawa rin kaming naghugas. Nagsabon siya,
nagbanlaw ako. Nalulungkot na 'kong tapos na ang gabi namin nang magkasama pero
inabot niya ang kabinet sa uluhan namin at kumuha ng tsaa.
"Let's have tea outside. The sky's beautiful," sabi niya.
Natigilan ako.
"Pero masama ang pakiramdam mo. You should be resting. Malamig din sa labas. Lagi
kang nilalamig these days, 'di ba?"
Isinalang niya ang takure sa kalan. "I want to look at the stars with you."
Pa'no ko tatanggi ro'n?
We waited for the water to boil. Sa halip na sa tasa kami maglagay ng tsaa, sa
thermos flask siya nagtimpla. Para raw hindi matapon. Inabot niya sa'kin ang tsaa
ko at kinuha ang plastic ng donuts sa fridge.
"This is for dessert, right?"
Tumango lang ako at pinigilan ang malapad kong ngiti. He could read me even without
reading my mind.
"Let's go."
Nauna siyang lumakad. Nakasunod ako. Nang nasa labas na kami, nauna siyang naupo sa
bench swing. Sandali lang siyang sumulyap nang tumabi ako.
We quickly looked up and saw the dusting of the million stars in the sky. Walang
buwan.
"Bakit ang ganda ng langit lagi rito sa labas ng bahay, Prof.? 'Pag nasa labas
naman ako, hindi ko masyadong makita ang stars. Parang dito lang laging malinaw ang
langit."
Ngumiti lang siya. Uminom ng tsaa sa flask niya.
Ginaya ko siya.
Natahimik kami sa pagtingala sa mga bituin. Sa gano'n kasimpleng bagay lang, masaya
na 'ko dahil siya ang kasama ko.
When I woke up earlier today and saw his face, I resolved not to count the days
before he left. It's still coming even without me counting it down. I'm going to
miss him when he's gone. I don't want to miss him when he's still beyond my reach.
The cold wind blew as quietly as we were.
I felt him shivered as he drank his tea.
"Nilalamig ka, Prof.?" tanong ko.
"I'm okay."
Matagal ko nang alam na ang I'm okay niya ay hindi talaga okay. It means he could
hold out. It means he could grit his teeth and suffer. It means he could take it.
That's not the okay that I want for him.
Tumayo ako at humarang sa pagtingala niya. "Pasok na tayo, Prof. Para makapahinga
ka na."
Tumitig siya sa'kin. Masuyong ngumiti. "I told you I'm okay. I want to watch the
stars with you longer."
Tumitig kami sa isa't isa, naghihintay kung sinong unang susuko.
"Nilalamig ka na, eh. Alam ko," sabi ko. "I can feel you."
"Yes, I am cold. But I still want to be with you."
I want to be with him, too, but...
"Look up. The sky's beautiful," he urged me.
Tumingala ako sandali sa langit bago magbalik ng tingin kay Prof.
"I'm really okay," sabi niya. "Sit beside me."
'Yung klase ng ngiti niya, masamang tanggihan.
"Okay. Let's watch it a little more," sabi ko sa kanya.
"Sit down, Natalie."
Hindi ko siya pinansin. Nagmartsa ako papunta sa likod niya habang nakasunod siya
ng tingin sa'kin. Yumakap ako sa kanya mula sa likuran at ipinatong ang baba ko sa
balikat niya.
If he wanted to watch the stars with me, I want him warm.
Natigilan siya.
"Look up," bulong ko sa kanya. "I'll be here."
Hindi pa rin siya kumibo. Lumunok ako at hinigpitan ang braso ko sa kanya.
Ibiniling niya ang mukha niya sa'kin.
"What?" tanong kong halos hindi makahinga. "Maganda ang langit. You said you want
to watch it with me a little longer."
I was praying he won't ask me to stop. Dahil hindi ko alam kung saang butas ako
susuot kasama ng kahihiyan ko.
Inihilig niya ang pisngi niya sa ulo ko at bumuntonghininga. "You're warm."
Nakahinga ako nang maluwag.
"I like it," dagdag niya pa.
"I like it, too," sabi ko at ngumiti.
Hinawakan niya ang braso kong nasa katawan niya at tinapik-tapik.
We watched the stars a little more while I held him. Indeed, the sky became
breathtakingly beautiful. # 0325ma / 07082017

Scene 16.2: Half Moon

***
Kagaya ng iba pang mga araw, nagisingan ko uli si Prof. sa living room. Lagi akong
napapahinto sa hagdan tuwing aabutan siya sa gano'ng pwesto. He's in his daily
white clothes, sleeping in the couch as if he didn't intend to. Nakaunan siya sa
isa niyang braso, madiin ang pagkakapikit. Minsan, nakakunot ang noo niya. Kapag
gano'n, alam kong may iniinda siyang sakit. Minsan, payapa siya.
Today, there was sadness in his face. And maybe weary.
Tumitig ako sandali sa kanya nang tuluyang makalapit. His body looked fine but Lolo
Dimos said that it's full of pain and torture. Unti-unti nang nanghihina ang
katawang-lupa na ibinihis sa kanya para sa sasandaling panahon ng pagiging mortal.
Kasabay ng panghihina ng katawan niya ay ang pagkaupos nito sa sakit at pagod.
Hindi pa sapat 'yung lagi siyang gutom. Pero hindi siya nagrereklamo. He perfectly
understood what's happening that he won't even complain of his pains.
I wish I knew what I could offer him except my feelings.
Pinabayaan ko siyang matulog at nagtuloy sa kusina. I cooked our breakfast. Nang
matapos ako, naghain ako sa mesa sa living room. Naupo sa couch malapit sa kanya at
pinanood siya.
I wondered kung dapat ko siyang gisingin. Baka magalit siya sa'kin kung hindi. But
he looked like he needed to sleep more.
Bago mawala ang usok sa soup sa iniluto ko, gumalaw siya. I stared at him, waiting
for him to open his eyes.
Pinanood ko ang dahan-dahang pagbukas ng mga mata niya. Nagtama ang mata namin.
I smiled, first. He smiled back.
"Good morning," sabi ko sa kanya.
Lumunok siya at nangunot ang noo. Hindi nakaligtas sa paningin ko ang pagtiim ng
bagang niya.
He must be hurting somewhere. Pero kumapit lang siya sa backrest ng couch at naupo
nang maayos. He squinted at the food at the table.
"You cooked."
Kinuha ko ang isang mangkok at nilagyan ng soup. Pinuno ko. He should be so hungry
by now.
Inilagay ko 'yun sa tapat niya.
"Kain na, habang mainit." Ibinigay ko sa kanya ang isang kutsara.
"I didn't realize that I slept here." He cleared his throat. "Again."
Of course, he didn't. Kung may choice siya, lagi niyang itatago sa'kin kung ga'no
siya nahihirapan. Because he's okay. He's always okay.
Lumunok ako para hindi umakyat ang unti-unting pagbabara ng emosyon sa lalamunan
ko.
He always looked so sad. Bakit siya naging mortal kung malulungkot lang siya? I
don't want him sad. I don't want him in pain.
Yet, I also... I also don't want him to go. Kung pwede lang sana.
Lumunok uli ako habang naglalagay ng soup sa sarili kong mangkok.
"Don't think about useless things," sabi ni Prof. sa'kin.
Nagtaas ako ng mata sa kanya.
"Huh? Ano 'yun, Prof.?"
Ngumiti siya nang matipid. "You're a wonderful creation. I can feel your tears even
before you release them. If you hold them back, I feel them even more. When you are
sad, it distorts the lines of your brow and hides your smile. Don't think of things
that will make you sad, Natalie."
Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya.
"You have to look at me more so I'll have plenty memories of you looking at me,"
dagdag niya pa.
Masama ang loob ko nang ibalik ko ang mata ko sa kanya. Ngumiti lang siya uli.
"Tabihan mo na lang ako," sabi niya.
"Are you cold?"
"Yes."
Tumayo ako mula sa couch ko at umupo sa tabi niya. I rubbed his arms.
"Better?"
Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at ikinulong ako sa yakap niya. I landed in chest, in
his fast heartbeat.
"Better. Warm me up for a while."
Lumunok ako. Isinuot ko ang braso ko sa magkabilang tagiliran niya at yumakap.
"Okay."
***
I was glad the day turned out slow with the rain. Magkasama kaming nagligpit ng
pinagkainan at nag-ayos sa kusina. Nagbasa siya ng libro sa living room habang
nagbabasa ako ng researches para sa thesis ko. Sinubukan naming makinig ng music
pero marami siyang inayawan kasi maingay. We settled for instrumentals. Sabi niya,
may mga bagay na mas madaling maramdaman kapag walang salita. At siguro tama siya
dahil mas narinig ko 'yung emosyon sa mga pinakinggan namin. I didn't notice before
that musical instruments could cry the way I heard it with him.
We kept our eyes on each other. Pinapanood ko siya sa lahat ng oras para marami
akong memories sa kanya. At pinapanood niya 'ko para marami siyang memories sa'kin.
Looking into his eyes made me feel warmer and everything around us, brighter.
Pagdating ng gabi, ako uli ang nagluto kahit nagpilit siyang siya na lang.
Magkatabi uli kaming kumain dahil nilalamig siya. At nang matutulog na, pumasok ako
sa kuwarto niya.
Namumutla siya sa pagkakahiga. He was trembling under the blanket, too. Para akong
humahawak sa yelo pero ang simple niya sabihing nilalamig lang siya.
He asked me to read a book for him. Nasa akin ang mga mata niya habang nagtitiis
siya ng lamig.
Dinagdagan ko ang patong ng kumot niya.
"I'm okay, Natalie. Just keep on reading," sabi niya sa nanginginig na labi. Hindi
na rin naaalis ang pagtitiim niya ng ngipin.
Inilapat ko ang palad ko sa pisngi niya. He's ice-cold. "You're trembling really
bad. Higa na lang ako sa tabi mo?"
"You'll be cold, too. You hate the cold," sabi niya.
Ibinaba ko sa mesa ang librong binabasa ko at binabaan ang ilaw ng table lamp.
Pumasok ako sa kumot at humiga sa tabi niya. Dumikit ako.
"I won't hate the cold tonight," sabi ko sa kanya. Niyakap ko siya. "Is this
better?"
Natigilan siya sandali. Parang nakikiramdam. Pagkatapos, iginiya niya ang ulo ko sa
dibdib niya at bumuntonghininga.
"I think."
We stayed in silence. I rubbed his back, habang nanunuot sa palad ko ang nagyeyelo
niyang balat.
"How could you live with a body like this? Para kang yelo," bulong ko sa kanya.
"Does it always hurt?"
"I can take it."
"I know, but..." I sighed. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
Tumingala ako sa kanya hanggang sa magbaba siya ng tingin sa'kin.
"I don't want you hurt..." bulong ko habang nakatitig sa mga mata niya.
"I know that."
We looked at each other helplessly while the rain was rhythmically pouring outside
the window.
"Don't be sad," sabi niya at sinapo ang pisngi ko. Maingat ang daliri niya sa
paghaplos sa balat ko. At kahit na malamig ang mga iyon, I was feeling warm.
Napalunok ako habang papabilis ang pitik ng puso ko.
I must be burning in hell because even with this kind of situation, all my heart
understands was that I was too close, too near to him. Halos walang pagitan ang mga
katawan namin. Nakaunan ako sa bisig niya at marahan ang daliri niya sa balat ko.
Yet, I still wanted more.
Hindi ko rin maialis ang mata ko sa kanya. How could I when it's a privilege to
stare at a beautiful creature? I want to take him in so I could remember exactly
how he looks at me.
"You're making me feel hot," bulong niya.
Dama ko ang paghupa ng lamig sa balat niya at pagbilis ng tibok ng puso niya.
"You're making me breathless..." bulong ko pabalik.
Ngumiti siya. "This must be what desire feels like."
Nakatitig ako sa kanya habang patuloy ang daliri niya sa pisngi ko.
"Do you feel it, too?" he asked.
"Yes..."
"It's a gift from the Creator along with the power of procreation. It is also given
as a gift to spiritual marriages," seryosong sabi niya. "It is the highest form of
spiritual communication to mortals but it is gravely abused in this world. Instead
of a warm, fulfilling, spiritual desire that will be rewarded once shared with the
right partner, it is downgraded to consumable bodily lust. People give in to just
anyone they are attracted to.
"What I feel right now is not consumable."
Ngumiti ako. Sa ibang eksena, sa ibang pagkakataon, at sa ibang kapareha, hindi
ganito ang siguradong magiging usapan. Sa ibang mga eksenang alam ko, baka hubad na
kami ngayon.
"I want to know you and melt with you," he whispered. "I want to listen to you most
intimately."
"I want that, too," sabi ko.
Nagbuga siya ng hangin at idinikit ang noo niya sa noo ko.
"But it's not possible." Mainit ang hininga niya sa balat ko. It's like sharing the
same breath with him. "I'm not purely mortal."
Sa halip na kumibo, inilapat ko ang palad ko sa likod niya. He's warm, now. I'm
glad.
"And once I leave, I want you pure for whoever you want to love."
Natigilan ako. Is he thinking that...
"I want you happy and proud."
"Are you saying that..." Hindi ko matapos ang sasabihin ko. "Pa'no mo naisip 'yan?
That after you, I could love... someone else? I mean..."
Hinaplos-haplos niya ang pisngi ko. I could feel him smiling.
"Don't be angry. I'm just saying-"
"There will be no one else even after you leave."
"Natalie-"
Napakagat ako sa labi ko at nag-init ang mga mata ko. "How could you even entertain
that thought? There will be no one else after you."
Bumuntonghininga siya. Inalis niya ang pagkakadikit ng noo niya sa'kin.
"I'm sorry if I upset you," sabi niya sa'kin at pinahid ang luhang tumakas sa mata
ko. "I didn't mean to."
"Makakalimutan ba kita uli pag-alis mo?" Nagpa-panic na tanong ko kasabay ng luha
ko. "Mawawala ba sa memory ko lahat ng 'to? Ikaw? Lahat ng pagkakataong kasama
kita? Lahat ng gabing ganito?" Napahinga ako nang malalim. "Don't make me forget. I
want to remember you. I want all these memories with you."
Patuloy siya sa pagpahid ng luha ko.
"Even if it will hurt from time to time when I miss you so much... I want to
remember you. I want to remember you."
Matipid siyang ngumiti. Marahan akong hinalikan sa noo. "Okay. Don't cry, anymore."
Pero lalo lang akong napahikbi.
Niyakap niya 'ko sa katawan niya at hinaplos-haplos ang buhok ko.
"I will remember all of these, too, Natalie. All these times with you are precious
to me."
Kumapit ako sa tela ng damit sa likod niya at lalong dumikit.
"Don't make me forget. I don't want to forget you."
"Okay."
Natahimik kami sa pagitan ng ulan, tapik, at pag-iyak.
"There won't be anyone else after you. You have to remember, dumb death god."
I felt him smile.
"Alright, stupid human."
We slept holding each other like that. #0902g /07142017