Joy and pain can both be portrayed through the movement of dance.

I learned that

through movement I can inspire others. As a competitive dancer since the age of six, I learned to

interpret feelings through rhythm and music. Through my discovery of my talent, dance became

my love and joy in life. In high school, though, I met people that would change me and cause

me to deepen my connection to movement and music.

One experience I had in high school prompted me to question my positive outlook. I met

a girl in my freshman math class, and we quickly started a friendship that had a deep connection

and will likely last years after high school. Her and I always joked around and had numerous

time of laughter and job, but I quickly learned that our initial happy banter was replaced by

constant worry and severe depression. She quickly retreated, isolating herself from me and no

matter what I said or did, she refused to seek counseling or get help. I knew that if she was going

to want help or anything, she would come to me. I woke up one day not knowing what was going

to happen that night. I was joyful to see my friends, but when I got to school my palms began to

sweat as she told me what she was planning. I tried to help her by organizing a counselor’s

appointment, but it didn’t help. Ultimately, she ended up in the emergency room after a suicide

attempt.

Once I learned of this, I shut down any kind of emotion I had; I was devastated by the

pain from almost losing a friend. I started to block my friends and family out and I became

extremely introverted. I only found relief through the repetitive, rigorous movement of dance.

With the speakers blaring, I moved my body and danced my emotions out. It was an outlet, but I

began to focus excessively and obsessively on the fundamentals and technical movements,

causing me to lose the joy within my movements.

 Finally, one of my mentors noticed my excessive and misguided focus. My mentor told

me that dance cannot be enjoyable if you worry about perfection all the time and she helped me

to realize that my friends' actions were not a result of my efforts or because I didn’t try to help.

After this turning point, I became a more mature person and learned how to balance my

emotions and stress while enjoying the movement of dance. I realized through interpretive

movement, others could also draw comfort and support, conveying words that I couldn’t speak.

This inspired me to make a renewed commitment to promote happiness in others through

performance.

It takes emotional work not to let negative emotions lead and inform future decisions.

Happiness is a small portion of mental health and it has a big impact on someone’s emotion and

the way they see life, making it so important, which is something I wish I realized earlier so that

I could show more support to those I love.

Through this experience and my continued experience in high school, I learned more

about emotional stability and healthy relationships. I plan to take these learnings into college as

that a more mature and confident person. I plan to use the learnings from this experience to better

support my friends and my community. I now realize that by using my dance talents, I can

communicate and spread more joy through movement.

Rubric rating submitted on: 3/20/2019, 3:04:50 PM by cmcclellan2@wcpss.net

5 4 3 2 1

Focus/ The narrative The narrative The narrative The narrative The narrative
Exposition insightfully competently superficially partially minimally
CCSS -W: 3a 4 addresses all addresses all addresses all addresses addresses some
Your score: 5 aspects of the aspects of the aspects of the aspects of the aspect of the
prompt prompt Engages prompt prompt Might prompt Does not
Purposefully and orients the Attempts to engage or orient engage or orient
engages and reader by setting engage or orient the reader by the reader by
 orients the out a problem, the reader by setting out a setting out a
reader by setting situation setting out a problem, problem,
out a problem, problem, situation situation
situation, or situation
observation and
its significance

Organization/ Expertly creates Creates a Experiences and Progression of Event sequence

Plot CCSS – W: a smooth smooth events are experiences or unfolds
3a 3c 3e 4 progression of progression of somewhat events may be illogically Does
Your score: 5 experiences or experiences or connected Uses confusing or not use
events Adeptly events Uses a a variety disjointed sequencing
uses a variety of variety of techniques to Techniques do techniques to
techniques to techniques to sequence events not build on one create coherence
sequence events sequence events that build on one another to create or build toward
that build on one that build on one another to create a coherent a particular tone
another to create another to create a coherent whole or build or outcome
a coherent a coherent whole or build toward a Provides no
whole and build whole and build toward a particular tone conclusion or
toward a toward a particular tone or outcome one that is not
particular tone particular tone or outcome Provides a weak connected to the
and outcome and outcome Provides a conclusion that narrated
Skillfully Provides a conclusion that may not connect experiences or
provides a conclusion that connects to the to the narrated events
conclusion that clearly follows narrated experiences or
follows from from and experiences or event
and reflects on reflects on what event
what is is experienced,
experienced, observed or
observed, or resolved over
resolved over the
the course of the
narrative

Narrative Skillfully uses Effectively uses Adequately uses Uses limited Uses few to no
Techniques narrative a variety of a variety of narrative narrative
CCSS -W: 3b 3d techniques such narrative narrative techniques to techniques Does
Your score: 5 as dialogue, techniques to techniques to develop not use sensory
pacing, develop develop experiences, language or
description, experiences, experiences, events Uses descriptive
reflection to events Uses events Uses concrete words details Little to
develop precise words some descriptive or phrases with no evidence that
experiences, and phrases, details, and limited use of audience’s
events relevant sensory descriptive knowledge
Sophisticated descriptive language to details and level, concerns,
use of precise details, and convey sensory and possible
words and sensory experiences and language biases have been
phrases, telling language to events Some Audience's considered
 details, and capture the consideration knowledge
sensory action and give to the level, concerns,
language to convey audience's values, and
convey a vivid experiences and knowledge possible biases
picture of the events level, concerns, have hardly
experiences, Anticipates the values, and been considered
events Adeptly audience's possible biases
anticipates the knowledge
audience's level, concerns,
knowledge values, and
level, concerns, possible biases
values, and
possible biases

Language CCSS Uses purposeful Uses correct and Uses mostly Uses limited Lacks sentence
– L: 1 2 3 and varied varied sentence correct and and/or repetitive mastery (e.g.,
Your score: 4 sentence structure some varied sentence fragments/ run-
structure Contains few, sentence structure ons) Contains
Contains minor errors in structure Contains serious and
minimal to no conventions Contains some numerous errors pervasive errors
errors in Utilizes strong errors in in conventions in conventions
conventions and grade-level conventions which cause Utilizes
(grammar, appropriate which may confusion incorrect and/or
punctuation, word choice cause confusion Utilizes vague simplistic word
spelling, Usually utilizes or basic word choice
capitalization) grade-level choice
Utilizes precise appropriate
and word choice
sophisticated
word choice

Comments:
Vivian,
Much better! You are more clearly addressing the elements in the prompt, and telling your story
more clearly.
You have a couple of places where I think you have the wrong word and a couple of awkward
phrasings of things. Try putting your essay in Google Translate and having it read it to you.
You might be able to hear mistakes better than you can see them when reading (because we often
read what we intend to be there, not what is actually there).