Marriage-Discipleship-Workbook-English 2 PDF

131 Benney La ne, STE B #102
Dripp ing Spring s, TX 78620

Phone: (619) 590 -1901
Email: Team@FDM.world
www.FDM.world
www.DiscipleshipWorkbooks.com
Marriage Disciplesh ip Workbook

By Craig Caster
Print and Electr onic Version Copyright © 2015 b y Craig

Caster. A ll rights re se rved.
Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson.
Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations taken from the New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968,
1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org
Script ure quotation s tak en from t he Amplified® Bible, Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964,
1965, 19 87 by The Lo ck man Fo unda tion. Use d by perm issi on . www. Lo ck m an.o rg
Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
Scripture quo tations marked HC SB are taken from the Hol man C hristian Standard Bible®, Copyright ©
1999, 2000, 2002, 2003, 2009 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Holman Christian Standard
Bible®, Holman CSB®, and HCSB® are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers.
Scripture quotation s m ark ed (T L B) a re tak en fr om The Liv in g B ible cop yrigh t © 197 1. Us
ed by perm ission of Ty nd ale H ouse Publis h ers, I nc., Caro l Str ea m, I llino is 6018 8. All r
ights res erve d.
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication—whether in
printed or ebook forma t, or any other p ubli she d d erivat io n— may be reprod uced, st o red in
or i ntrod u ced into a retri eval system, or tr ansmitt ed, in any form o r by any means ( elect
ronic, mec han ical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the
publisher.
The sc ann ing, uplo a din g , and distr ib ution of this book via th e I nternet or v ia any ot he r m
eans without the pe rmission o f t he p ub lis her is ill eg al and punis hab le b y la w. Plea se
purchase only autho rized electronic editions and do n ot partic i pate in or e nc ourage e le ctronic
p ira cy of copyr ightab le materials.
Preface
T
he institution we call marriage was created by God. And it is under serious attack. This will
sound strange, but the greatest negative effects originate from within the relationship. After a
couple marries, each partner begins to pull and tug according to their own needs and desires.
As time passes, problems go unsolved and disappointment, frustration and anger bring hurt,
resulting in resentment and revenge. When two people enter into matrimony with such hopes, such
good intentions, why do so many marriages fail? Or, why are so many couples settling for a relationship
that is unfulfilling?
This book is dedicated to God, and to His desire for every couple to experience the blessings possible in a
marriage. When two people unite as husband and wife with no training in God’s principles, and probably
no godly example from their past, they are truly ignorant of how to tend to one another. They also may
bring past hurts and emotional voids that add to the challenge. As you work through this material, God
will reveal non-negotiable truths that must be followed or the result will be discouragement and
disenchantment. In short, a lot of pain.
Statistics indicate that too many marriages between Christians end in divorce. As God’s children and
heirs of all His promises, why are believers failing? The problem is lack of information, lack of discipleship
| 3
MARRIAGE DISCIPLESHIP WORKBOOK
in Biblical principles. Sadly, the church is not currently putting enough effort into this area to turn the
tide that is sweeping so many down the path of destruction. Married couples are in great need of Biblical
teaching, being discipled by others in God’s truth. When believers learn what God desires, and will to
follow Him as disciples of Christ, they can be assured of receiving the grace and power to overcome any
problem.
God wants to show Himself strong on our behalf, wants to be glorified in our marriages. But we have to
want it, too. We know that marriage is very important to God, and yet most Christians after 10 years of
being married still feel inadequate to disciple others. If you asked a man who had performed a job for 10
years if he could train someone else, the response would likely be a confident “yes”. And God is much
more concerned about how we tend to our spouses than our vocations.
As you prayerfully go through this workbook, I know that God will reveal His purpose for you as husband
and wife. All the information is based on biblical truth; it will guide you with scripture and give you
practical illustrations to help implement the principles you are learning. Also, it can be used as a tool in
the future to disciple others. When your eyes have been opened by the amazing way that God is
changing your life, you will see that many others need help, too.
“Lord God, thank You for revealing Your heart and will to us in Your Word. Please bless those who go
through this book; make the principles clear. Give them humble hearts to forgive those who have hurt
them, and the desire to ask for forgiveness from those they have hurt. God, be glorified in and through
the marriages of those who are willing to follow You.” Amen.
4 |
Table of Contents
Preface ..........................................................................................................................
........... iii
Introduction to Marriage Discipleship

Workbook ................................................................ xiii
The Process ........................................................................................................................... xiii
Remember: ............................................................................................................................
xiii Starting Each Day .................................................................................................................
xiv Things to
note: ......................................................................................................................xiv
Important Markers ...............................................................................................................xiv
Week 1: God’s Purposes for

Marriage .....................................................................................1
Introduction: A Personal Journey ........................................................................................1
Depend on God ........................................................................................................................ 2
Question Past Experience .......................................................................................................4
In the Beginning… ..................................................................................................................7
The Right Expectations for Marriage ....................................................................................9
Wrong Expectations .............................................................................................................11
God: The Creator of Marriage .............................................................................................14 A
Better Perspective on God’s Word ...................................................................................17
God’s Purposes for Marriage ..............................................................................................21
Introduction: The Ministry of Marriage ............................................................................21
The Right Blueprint ..............................................................................................................22
The Four Purposes .................................................................................................................25
First Purpose: God’s Glorification ........................................................................ 25
Second Purpose: Our Transformation ................................................................. 26
Cooperating With God’s Discipline ......................................................................................29
Third Purpose: To Meet Each Other’s Companionship Needs .............................32
God instructs husbands: ......................................................................................................34
God instructs wives: ............................................................................................................34
Fourth Purpose: Multiply—To Conceive and Raise Godly Children .....................36
No Kidding, God! ...................................................................................................................36
| 5
Week 2: Having a Strong
Foundation ...................................................................................38
Introduction: The Foundation .............................................................................................38
Priorities in Place..................................................................................................................39 Weak
Foundation—Family Problems ...................................................................................40 Intimacy
with God .................................................................................................................41 Three
Essential Ingredients ..................................................................................................43
The Importance of Prayer .....................................................................................................45
God Wants Your Affection ...................................................................................................49
Obedience Is Action ...............................................................................................................54
The Chief Cornerstone ..........................................................................................................59
Rebellion and Choices ...........................................................................................................61
Our Sovereign God ...............................................................................................................64
Your Amazing Transformation ............................................................................................66
Laborers Together ................................................................................................................70
Keep Building! ........................................................................................................................72
Week 3: Our Greatest Companionship

Need .........................................................................74
Introduction ......................................................................................................................... 74
The Importance of Biblical Love ...........................................................................................75
What is biblical love?............................................................................................................76
The Most Powerful Motivator ............................................................................................79
Change is Needed! .................................................................................................................81
Love: Reaction or Response? ................................................................................................81
Reacting in the Flesh ........................................................................................... 81
Responding in Love ............................................................................................. 84
1) Love is not impatient. ......................................................................................... 90
2) Love is not unkind. ............................................................................................... 94
3) Love does not envy. ............................................................................................. 98
4) Love does not parade itself, or brag. ................................................................101
5) Love is not puffed up or arrogant. ....................................................................103
6) Love does not behave rudely, is not unbecoming. ............................................104
7) Love does not seek to have its own way. ..........................................................107
8) Love does not think evil (does not take into account wrong suffered NASB). ....109 9)
Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness. .........................................................112
10) Love rejoices in the truth. ............................................................................... 115
11) Love bears all things. ....................................................................................... 117
12) Love believes and hopes. ................................................................................. 119
13) Love endures all things. ................................................................................... 121
6 |
Effective Listening Self-Evaluation ...................................................................................125
Week 4: The Husband’s Companionship

Needs ...................................................................130
Introduction .......................................................................................................................130
Companionship Needs are God-Given ................................................................................130
Companionship Defined ......................................................................................................133
God Defines Our Needs .......................................................................................................134
| 7
Biblical Companionship Needs ............................................................................................139 A

Man’s Companionship Needs ..........................................................................................142
Beware of Worldly Influence ............................................................................................147
Cultural Influences ............................................................................................. 147
Religious Traditions ............................................................................................ 147
Traditions of Men .............................................................................................. 147
Biblical Traditions............................................................................................... 148
Jesus’ Perspective on Family ...............................................................................................149
The Work of Submission: Affirming Your Husband .........................................................150
Women: Guard Your Hearts ...............................................................................................153 Is
this information outdated? ...........................................................................................155
What is Affirmation? ..........................................................................................................156
Examples of Common Non-Affirming Practices ...............................................................160
Is this Edifying? .................................................................................................. 161
What is Being Supportive? ................................................................................ 162
Who’s the Maintenance Man? .......................................................................... 162
Is this Showing Respect? ................................................................................... 163
Choosing to Suffer or Serve? ............................................................................................163
Are Finances a Deal-breaker? .............................................................................................165 Is
your Love a Battlefield? .................................................................................................165
Husband’s Needs Worksheets .............................................................................................167
Remember: ...........................................................................................................................16
8 WORKSHEET #1: Self
Examination ......................................................................................169 WORKSHEET #2:
Action Plan...............................................................................................170
Working Together on Companionship Needs Guidelines .................................................173
Acknowledge the offense: ................................................................................. 175
Apply the response: ........................................................................................... 175
“Preference” and “Truth” are Different ............................................................. 176
Two Wrongs Never make a Right ....................................................................... 177
Week 5: The Wife’s Companionship

Needs .........................................................................178
Introduction .......................................................................................................................178 God
Created Companionship Needs ....................................................................................178
Companionship Need #1: .....................................................................................................180
Love your wife just as Christ also loved the Church. (vs. 25)
Desire and Action are Essential ....................................................................... 182
Security and Fear are Opposites ........................................................................ 183
Life is a Work In Progress ................................................................................... 185
Avoid What Comes Naturally ............................................................................. 185
8 |
Table OF CONTeNTS
Embrace Repentance and Change ..................................................................... 186

Sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the Word. (vs. 26)
Lead by Example ................................................................................................ 188
Develop Daily Prayer ......................................................................................... 190
Specific Ways a Husband May Sanctify His Wife by Scripture ...........................190
God Promises to Help ....................................................................................... 192
Do not settle for less. (vs. 27)
Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. (vs. 28-30)
A man is to nourish and cherish his wife. (vs. 29)
How to Nurture and Cherish ............................................................................. 198
Family Leadership is a Man’s Job .........................................................................................200
Tend to Your Wife ...............................................................................................................203
1. It takes time. .................................................................................................. 203
2. It takes willingness. ........................................................................................ 203
3. It takes communication. ................................................................................ 204
Responding Biblically to Opposition..................................................................................205
Six points for success, from scripture in Timothy. ............................................. 206
Proper Leadership is Consistent .........................................................................................207
A Final Word to Men ..........................................................................................................208
Wife’s Needs Worksheets ....................................................................................................209
Remember: ...........................................................................................................................21
0 WORKSHEET #1: Examination and
Evaluation ...................................................................211 WORKSHEET #2: Action
Plan...............................................................................................212
Apply the response: .......................................................................................... 217
Week 6: Sexual Fulfillment In

Marriage ...............................................................................221
Introduction .......................................................................................................................221
Biblical Principle 1: Sex and One Flesh ..............................................................................222
Biblical Principle 2: Sex and Procreation ..........................................................................222
Biblical Principle 3: Sex and Pleasure ................................................................................224
| 9
Common Unbiblical Perceptions about Sex ......................................................................225

1. A Worldly Perspective .................................................................................... 225
2. Condemned for Past Sins .............................................................................. 227
3. Trapped by Tragedy ....................................................................................... 229
4. Therapy by Revenge ...................................................................................... 229
5. Wrong-Way Sex ............................................................................................. 230
Replacing the Giver with the Gift ......................................................................................234
Working toward Change ....................................................................................................235
Seeing Yourselves as One ....................................................................................................236
We are NOT what We Were ................................................................................................238
The Positive Side of the Gift of Sex ....................................................................................239
Visual Aspect of Sex ............................................................................................................241
Physical Touching and Sex ..................................................................................................241
Personal Hygiene and Sex ...................................................................................................241
Communication and Sex .....................................................................................................242
Books For Couples: .............................................................................................................243
Books For Women: .............................................................................................................243
Meeting Your Wife’s Sexual Needs .....................................................................................243
Communication is a Must ...................................................................................................244
A Woman’s Initiative ...........................................................................................................245
The Goal ...............................................................................................................................
247
Physical Intimacy in Marriage Examination for Men .......................................................248
Physical Intimacy in Marriage Examination for Women .................................................252
Week 7: What Is Godly

leadership? ...................................................................................260
Introduction .......................................................................................................................260
What was God Thinking? ....................................................................................................261
Do you believe you are called? ..........................................................................................263
You must not doubt. ...........................................................................................................264
Do not look back to who you were. ..................................................................................265
Godly leadership represents God Himself. ........................................................................267
There are no excuses. ..........................................................................................................268
We have a responsibility. ....................................................................................................269
God has already been there. ..............................................................................................271
Authority in the family is God’s design. ............................................................................271
There is a proper way to lead. ............................................................................................273
1) Be a Servant .................................................................................................. 273
2) Be Gentle ....................................................................................................... 274
10 |
Table OF CONTeNTS
3) Be Humble ..................................................................................................... 275

4) Bring Correction ............................................................................................ 275
Influence of a Father ..........................................................................................................276
Resistance Brings Consequences ........................................................................................277
Spiritual Training of the Family .........................................................................................279
Husbands Are Priests of the Home ...................................................................................280
Six Elements of Priesthood ...............................................................................................280 A
Leader Provides ................................................................................................................282
God Provides What We Need ..............................................................................................283
Reason Husbands Fail To Lead or Wives Fail to Affirm Them ...........................................284
1. Unforgiveness .................................................................................................. 284
2. Deception ......................................................................................................... 285
3. Persecution ...................................................................................................... 285 4.
Selfishness ....................................................................................................... 286
appendix a
Marriage Discipleship Self-evaluation
Checklist .................................................................293
Your Spiritual Foundation .................................................................................................293
Communicating In Love .......................................................................................................293
Meeting the Companionship Needs of Your Spouse ..........................................................294
appendix b
Committing Your life To
Christ ............................................................................................ 295
appendix C
How to Develop Intimacy with God Through Daily
Devotions ............................................297
Suggested Devotionals .......................................................................................................298
appendix D
Recommended Discipleship and Devotional
books ............................................................ 299
Discipleship Books ...............................................................................................................299
Devotional Books for Couples ...........................................................................................299
appendix e - Worksheet
| 11
effective listening Self-

evaluation ......................................................................................300
appendix F - Worksheet
Improve Your loving Communication
Habits .....................................................................305
appendix G - Worksheet
breaking the Cycle of Unloving
Communication ................................................................307
appendix H
Husband’s Needs
Worksheets ...............................................................................................312
WORKSHEET #1: Self Examination ......................................................................................314
WORKSHEET #2: Action Plan...............................................................................................315
appendix I - Worksheet
Husband Responding biblically to
Opposition .................................................................... 324
appendix J
Specific Ways a Husband May Sanctify His Wife by
Scripture .........................................326
appendix K
Wife’s Needs
Worksheets .....................................................................................................328
WORKSHEET #1: Examination and Evaluation ...................................................................330
WORKSHEET #2: Action Plan...............................................................................................331
12 |
Table OF CONTeNTS

appendix l
Working together on Companionship Needs
Guidelines ....................................................339
appendix M
Reasons Husbands Fail to lead or Wives Fail to affirm
Them ............................................344
appendix N
Physical Intimacy in Marriage –
Men ................................................................................. 349
Examination for Men ..........................................................................................................349
Examine your heart with these questions: ........................................................ 350
Consider these sinful responses: ....................................................................... 351
Look for physical problems: ............................................................................... 352
appendix O
Physical Intimacy in Marriage –
Women ............................................................................ 354
Examination for Women.....................................................................................................354
Hurts that affect the heart: ............................................................................... 356
Sinful responses: ............................................................................................... 356
Possible physical problems: ............................................................................... 357
appendix P - Worksheet
Trusting God in Your Marriage Means Practicing
Forgiveness ..........................................362
Trusting the Sovereignty of God ..................................................................................... 362
What are You trying to teach me? .....................................................................................363
Our Trials and Tribulations ............................................................................................. 365 God’s
Word teaches that trials and tribulations are part of the Christian life.
The Cost of UnForgiveness ............................................................................................... 366
Why Forgive? .................................................................................................................... 367
| 13
God commands it
In forgiving, we bear the image of Jesus
Forgiveness breaks the cycle of pain, blame and STRONGHOLDS
Reconciliation ................................................................................................................... 369
If You Need To Be Forgiven ................................................................................................ 370
1. Confess your sin to God, ask him to forgive you and by his Holy Spirit
to fill your heart with his love. .................................................................... 370
2. Go to your spouse, humbly make confession and ask for their
forgiveness. ................................................................................................. 371
3. Spend time daily with the Lord in his Word and in prayer. ...........................372
4. Ponder the meaning of the cross and the sacrifice Jesus made for
your sins. ..................................................................................................... 372
If You Need To forgive your spouse .................................................................................. 373
1. Pray and ask God for the strength to obey and forgive your spouse. ...........373
2. Communicate your forgiveness to your spouse. ..........................................373
Get Motivated! .................................................................................................................. 373
Keep these points in mind when either speaking or communicating in writing: ........... 376
Maintaining Your Commitment to Forgive ...................................................................... 377
How do I stop giving the devil opportunities to work his destruction in my life? .......378
Conclusion ........................................................................................................................ 380
appendix Q
Glossary .........................................................................................................................
........381
14 |
Introduction to Marriage Discipleship
Workbook
T
his workbook is designed to bring you onto the path of discipleship, which really means walking
in God’s principles. And when we use words like “walk”, we hope you understand that living in
these principles is just as fundamental as learning to walk. The goals of our workbook are: 1) To
show you that God provides principles for marriage, 2) To equip you with tools and applications
for applying these principles, and 3) To guide your marriage and family into the forgiveness, healing and
unity that comes through obedience to God. Family Discipleship Ministries exists to help edify the body of
Christ in vital areas. We believe that failure to disciple others is directly related to the failure in marriages.
How do we know this? By what we have seen, experienced and what is proven by statistics today.
The Process
The study is divided into weeks, with five lessons each week. It is important to work toward completing
one lesson each day for five days. Building daily study with consistency is a key to spiritual success. We
encourage you to start with Week One and continue through Week Two and Three, etc.; skipping to a
section that sparks your interest is tempting, but not efficient because one-week builds upon another. For
example, you really want to master the man’s or woman’s companionship needs so move ahead to that
study, but there are biblical principles that must be learned before you can properly tend to your spouses
needs in a godly way.
The principles we are presenting have been tried and proven successful. I have experienced it in my own
marriage, and also through the lives of countless people in counseling and marriage classes. Please
understand, this is NOT a “Five Easy Steps to Marriage” manual. Biblical Discipleship is challenging work
and will require that you surrender to God’s will and change. The process will require commitment,
sacrifice and humility to successfully implement the principles as you learn them.
Remember:
• This work is a new priority and will require dedicated time. There are five lessons in each
week to be completed. If you miss a day, DO NOT skip it, but work to complete all lessons
| 15
within the week. If you miss often, pray about your priorities and what you are placing
ahead of this commitment.
• At times we start projects and do not finish. Consider the importance of your
responsibility in the area of marriage and make a decision to faithfully complete this
study. Enlist the help of an accountability partner for prayer and encouragement if
necessary.
• Remember, your spouse is an essential partner in this effort. Study together or separately,
but always discuss what you have learned from each lesson and prayerfully commit to
implement any changes.
Starting each Day

1. View each daily study as time spent with God, and expect Him to speak to you through His Word.
2. Start with prayer, asking God to reveal where you need to change, and to empower you to apply
what you are learning.
3. Have a reflective mindset; do not rush through the material just to say you finished it. Give God
time to speak to you, and meditate on what you learn.
Things to note:
• Studies may vary in the amount of information presented. After you complete each day, look
ahead to the next so you can plan your time so to get the most out of it.
• Space is provided for writing answers to questions, and also for relevant thoughts and prayers.
• Please take advantage of the Appendices at the end of the workbook. They are there to help
you workout the principles being taught and we refer to them throughout the workbook.
Important Markers
FACT FILE
When you see this, you will find the definition of a word and/or phrase from the Bible. We have taken
great care to use well-known and theologically sound biblical dictionaries and commentaries for biblical
clarity, referenced when possible. Many of these definitions appear in the glossary, Appendix Q.
16 |
INTRODUCTION TO MaRRIaGe DISCIPleSHIP WORKbOOK
DIG DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

This marks an opportunity to read a text of Scripture and relate it to the subject that is being presented.
During this discipleship process, you will become more familiar with the Bible, biblical principles of
marriage, and what God expects from you as a spouse. b Self-Examination

As you study and learn biblical principles, there will be times for self-examination, finding areas where
personal improvement is needed. Space is provided for listing insights, confessions, and prayers for
strength and wisdom to make those changes. One aspect of the discipleship process is personal
accountability; if God reveals that you have sinned against your spouse and/or children, we encourage you
to confess your sin to them and ask their forgiveness. Make this a regular practice even if it is not noted to
do so.
4 Action Plan
After you have studied the biblical principles of that day or week, take action and apply what you have
learned in your marriage. To be true disciples, we must understand that God not only desires that we grow
in knowledge, but He also requires that we use it, or “live it out”.
All the materials on our website www.FDM.world, focus on discipleship and are provided free of charge.
| 17
Week 1: God’s Purposes for
Marriage
WeeK 1: Day 1
Introduction: a Personal Journey
The focus of this study is the design for marriage from God’s perspective, which makes sense, because He
is the One who created man and woman to unite in this holy union. Seeing m arriage is a m inistry
communicates our belief that the foundation for a successful marriage requires a ministry mindset. Both
husband and wife are now in the ministry, ministering to each other with God’s intended purposes and
goals. God did not put us here on planet Earth expecting that we would figure out marriage on our own.
The Bible, God’s Word, contains complete information to guide us in all areas of the relationship.
In His Word, God shows us not only His purposes for marriage, but also how to establish a foundation for
successful marriage. Through this study, you will learn the nature of true love, mankind’s greatest
companionship need. And beyond that, you will discover other companionship needs unique to a
husband or wife because, as you know, men and women are different. Aren’t we? By now, experience
should have taught us that we are not just physically different, but also very different emotionally.
Understanding what God’s Word says about companionship needs is foundational; without this, we are
left to our own ideas of what we need, or what we expect from another person. The attitude, “I think
______ is what I need”, produces many non-biblical expectations of what we believe a wife, or husband,
is supposed to give in the marriage relationship, and then we find ourselves in trouble. Only as our true,
Godgiven companionship needs are identified, and met according to His plan, will we experience
fulfillment in marriage.
Before this study concludes, you will learn vital information about Priestly Leadership. This is a God-given
role for the husband, but equally important information for wives. Ladies, be inspired by the pivotal
importance of your biblical role, which is to support your man in the ministry that God has anointed him
to fill at home. By doing this, you will help your husband succeed, and help him believe that he can, by
God’s grace, become a godly leader and trust God to supply all that he needs for success.
WEEK 1: Day 1 | 1
God wants to show Himself faithful; He loves showing off, He really does. He wants people to see His
goodness, to glorify Him through marriage so that others who are struggling will pause and wonder,
“What have they got that we don’t?” God is calling us to be a light in this dark world.
This Marriage Discipleship Workbook has solutions for your problems, answers to those questions you
have been tossing around in your thoughts. If you have been born into God’s family through salvation in
Jesus Christ, He calls you His child, and has put His Holy Spirit within you to teach you from His Word, the
Bible. You have all that is needed for success. Your part is to desire to fulfill His will in your marriage. This
is the formula for reaping the blessings of God; do not lose heart and continue to press on.
Galatians 6:7–9, “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that
he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who
sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. And let us not grow weary while
doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”
After years of counseling, I have observed that most Christians are ignorant of what God’s will is for them
in marriage.
Depend on God
God wants you to be fully assured that He can provide whatever you need. As you read the following
verses, claim His promises in faith.
2 Peter 1:3-4, “As His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and
Godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have
been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be
partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through
lust.”
Peter says that God has given us “all things that pertain to life”, which includes all the necessary tools for
building a biblical marriage. Our instruction is God’s Word and, as it promises in verse three, it is by “HIS
divine power” that we will succeed.
Fact F ile
Our source is “His divine power”: power is dunamis (Greek), which translates as dynamic
strength, or ability to do what only God can do.
2 | WEEK 1: Day 1
WeeK 1: GOD’S PURPOSeS FOR MaRRIaGe
When we are born again by faith in Jesus Christ, we receive the Holy Spirit (Eph. 1:13-14), and the power
that raised Jesus from the dead begins working in us (Eph. 1:19-20). But do not fail to notice that all this
can only be accessed “through the knowledge of Him.”
Fact File
We partake of the divine nature and promises “through the knowledge of Him”: knowledge
is epignosis (Greek), which means thorough participation in acquiring knowledge.
Knowledge of Christ powerfully affects the believer, and comes only through salvation and abiding in Him
and His Word. To abide means “to dwell in” and indicates more than just head knowledge, or having an
intellectual understanding of Jesus. It means receiving the Word as truth, and then being obedient.
It is important to understand that as we abide in Christ, we not only gain knowledge that can change us,
we also qualify for “great and precious promises” from a God who is 100 percent faithful. And, as a
“partaker of the divine nature,” you truly have access to supernatural wisdom and strength for your
marriage, according to His promises.

Write out what God promises in these Scriptures:
Psalm 84:11, “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord will give grace and glory; No
good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”
Matthew 6:33, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these
things shall be added to you.”
WEEK 1: Day 1 | 3
b Self-Examination 1
How do these truths affect your attitude or disposition toward your marriage?

What principles do you see in these Scriptures, and what is promised to you?
Galatians 6:7–9, “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that
he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who
sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. And let us not grow weary while
doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”
2 Peter 1:3–4, “…as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and
godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have
lust.”
4 | WEEK 1: Day 1
Question Past experience

Most of us are suspicious that our parents used a “hit-and-miss” philosophy for solving problems in
marriage, and were probably not confident. Looking back at life with your parents, do you believe that
they had a plan for success, or really knew what they were doing?  Yes  No  Hit and Miss
Now, considering your own marriage, are the methods you are using as a couple, your attitudes,
expectations and communication, all based on biblical principles? Typically, people copy the good things
their parents did, throw out the bad and make up the rest. So, most of our choices are based on
personality and past experience. Since both husband and wife did not have the same types of examples,
each brings a past into the present, and then they wrestle through trying to work out a mutually
acceptable approach to marriage. But mutuality is never achieved because of their different personal
viewpoint, and many destructive habits can be formed along the way.
Understanding all this, we should be eager to learn the first key principle for an effective marriage: It is
essential to depend on God’s Word. Such logic as, “I thought if I was doing the job better than my
parents, my marriage would be better than theirs,” is not uncommon, yet is not a foundation for success.
The foundation on which marriage must be built is the Bible, and the process for success is application of
God’s wisdom. And God wants each spouse to know that He has provided all the necessary information
and grace to “anyone” who truly desires to do His will.

What does God say in these verses about following Him, or following your own wisdom?
Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”
WEEK 1: Day 1 | 5
Proverbs 14:12, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.”
In this Scripture, Paul gives a command to WALK a certain way, on a certain path:
Colossians 2:6-7, “As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, (7)
rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, as you have been taught,
abounding in it with thanksgiving.
How are we supposed to walk? If you are walking that way, how will it affect your marriage relationship?
Paul makes an important comparison in verse 8. He says BEWARE, which literally means “be-aware and
continue to be-aware”.
Colossians 2:8, “Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit,
according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not
according to Christ.”
What is the danger? What is the source of this danger? According to this Scripture, what do we need to
beware of?
6 | WEEK 1: Day 1
Where should we be getting our information, wisdom, or instruction?

These verses are filled with examples of possible consequences. Identify and list them, both the good
and the bad.
Ephesians 5:6, “Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the
wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.”
Colossians 1:10, “…that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful
in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God;”
Colossians 3:17, “ And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord
Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.”
WEEK 1: Day 1 | 7
4 Action Plan 1
Apart from God’s Word, power and wisdom, we cannot be the spouses God desires us to be. If you have
any doubt about being a child of God, turn to Appendix B: “Committing Your Life To Christ” and follow
the guidelines from His Word on how you can come into His family.
8 | WEEK 1: Day 1
Believing that God created man and woman, and that He is the designer of the marriage relationship,
let’s go to the very beginning of the Bible to learn about His will for us as husband and wives.
WeeK 1: Day 2
In the beginning…
In the beginning, God created man and woman, and then designed a state of union for the two that we
know as marriage (Gen. 2:24).
Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his
wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
The world’s definition of marriage has changed radically, but God’s original design has not. An honest
look from a biblical perspective will cause us to admit that most of the changes have not been godly, and
that marriage and family have suffered greatly. And again, the primary reason is our ignorance of God’s
Word, particularly His design and purpose for marriage. Even though this information has been available,
people are not instructed, or discipled, on the principles of marriage.
A lack of biblical teaching, or actual rejection of God’s authority, leaves couples to follow the world’s
influence, or their own path. Over time, there has been an estimated 400 percent increase in couples
living together without the commitment of marriage. It is now quite acceptable for a woman to be
impregnated, or adopt a child, without the presence of a husband or male partner. Homosexual unions
are on the rise and considered an acceptable environment for raising children. Many of our role models
are found in popular media, publications, and magazines that elevate Hollywood types who are leading
the way in these areas.
But don’t let cultural trends discourage you about marriage. Satan would love to paint a bleak picture,
but know that God is greater and more powerful. Recent research is showing that among people who
choose to marry, the commitment is still strong and brings great happiness and fulfillment. A new book,
The Good
News About Marriage1 has debunked the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce, both in secular
life and within the church. Research reveals that 72% of married people are still with their first spouse (p.
21), and that 80% of all marriages are happy (p. 44). Among Christians active in their faith, they
1 Shaunti Feldhahn and Tally Whitehead, Good News About Marriage: Debunking Discouraging Myths about Marriage and
Divorce (Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah Books, 2014).
WEEK 1: Day 2 | 9
discovered that weekly church attendance alone lowers the divorce rate significantly by as much as 25 to
50 percent of the annual overall divorce rate (p. 67). And “In fact, when both spouses said ‘God is at the
center’, fully 53% of those couples were at the highest possible level of marital happiness” (p. 78). These
statistics should give us great hope, and motivate us to seek God’s will in our marriages.
During the year 2014, statistical research has indicated that nearly 40 percent of families in the United
States are classified as single-parent. But remember, this includes people who are widowed, divorced or
building a family without a spouse. Close to 39 percent qualify as blended families (people with children
who remarry after divorce or a death), and a little less than 3 percent are headed by grandparents. This
leaves less than 20 percent in the category defined as traditional family, which means with the original
husband and wife. And without being harsh or judgmental in any way, we believe the traditional family is
the one perfectly fashioned according to God’s design and will. Although “traditional” excludes divorce,
we also know that God understands and considers both blended and single-parent families as part of His
permissive will. God is 100 percent behind anyone who desires His help, and in these situations He still
“works all things according to the counsel of His will.” (Eph. 1:11).
In today’s society, we are seeing God’s design for marriage and family not only undergoing change, but
actually under attack. In 1944, Webster’s Dictionary defined marriage as: “a state of being married,
being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife; mutual relationships of husband and
wife for the purpose of founding and maintaining a family.” By the year 1996, Webster’s definition had
evolved to: “the state of being married, wedlock, the act of marrying, or a ceremony being married;
close union.” What brought about the changes and what does it mean?
The changing definitions demonstrate the gradual erosion of the spiritual foundation for marriage in our
society. Key words in the first definition as, “being united…as a husband or wife,” indicates becoming one
with a person of the opposite sex. This comes straight from the Bible (Gen. 2:24). As this study
progresses, it will reveal definitions from God that define His original design for a man and woman in
marriage, not practices resulting from humanistic ideas or worldly culture.
The 1944 definition from Webster refers to a “mutual relationship,” which implies given or felt by one
another in equal amount to meet each other’s companionship needs. “Founding and maintaining the
family” means to establish a firm basis for promoting a certain quality of life and conduct, and for raising
children. You must admit, when looking at changing definitions and current statistics, that key concepts
have been altered and that marriage and family is deteriorating. God’s design is hardly recognizable in
most households.
All believers need to be convinced that God is the creator of marriage, and that His will and purpose for
marriage has never changed! It would be a dirty trick for God to design something so important,
wonderful and complex as a marriage, and then say, “Hey, figure it out on your own.”
10 | WEEK 1: Day 2
Marriage is tough, isn’t it? It’s not easy. Married since 1980, I know, it is work. Praise the Lord, as you
discover His truth and apply biblical principles, and as you abide in Christ, it gets sweeter. And that’s what
God wants. He wants it to become sweeter every year. With each year that passes, I am more in love
with my wife, and I can tell you she is with me, too. And that’s how God wants it to be.
When we invest the time to learn God’s truth, what His purposes are in marriage, and we maintain and
practice these principles, marriage becomes richer. And that is how God intended it to be; He wants to
be glorified in our marriages. He desires to prove His love to us by showing that He is with us, and for us.
The Right expectations for Marriage

Everyone, no matter who you are, enters into marriage with expectations. They may not be written out,
but they are there: expectations about what you deserve, and what you should or should not be
expected to give.
Fact File
Expectation – means the anticipation or notion of something happening, an expected standard.
You have heard the saying, “love is blind,” well it is. From dating to entering into marriage, each person is
showing their good side as romantic love carries them along with the expectation that it will stay that
way. However, when the honeymoon is over and you are living together, one sinner with another, reality
sets in and what you experience is NOT what you expected. b Self-Examination 2
Husband and wives, what did you expect from your marriage, or from your spouse? Write this out
separately, then come together and compare your notes.
WEEK 1: Day 2 | 11
I entered into marriage with my wife bringing perspectives and expectations that were not even close to
God’s truth. Let me just share a couple of them with you. One of my perspectives was that she was lucky
to have me. I really thought that. I thought I was a catch. What a fool. She was the catch. I also had the
expectation that weekends should be mine for whatever I wanted to do; at that point my hobbies were
racing, diving, and I enjoyed fishing and hunting.
I told my wife when I married her, “Weekends are mine. If I don’t have something planned, then we’ll do
something together.” I actually told her that, and she still married me. And I just thought that’s the way
life was.
Another expectation was spending “my” money the way I wanted without any involvement from her. I
also wanted her to stay beautiful and meet all my physical needs. And I expected her to take care of the
kids, and to keep my house clean. Now, that wasn’t too hard, right? NOT! Does that sound fair? And you
ladies are thinking, that sounds a lot like my husband!
Those were a few of MY expectations of marriage, and of my wife, because I didn’t know any better. How
do we learn how to be husbands and wives? As mentioned, we remember what our parents did or didn’t
do and just follow dad and mom’s lead, and we kind of evolve from there. This can be even more
confusing when you come from a single-parent or blended family, or were raised by grandparents or in a
foster-parent home. And what about homes where a parent, or both parents, are mostly absent because
of having to work so much? I think you get the point.
We all marry with wrong expectations, resulting in disappointment, dissention, and un-fulfillment. During
our first two years, my wife spent most of her time trying to change me. Some of you can relate. I mean,
she kept trying to point out my weaknesses, which irritated the heck out of me. I now realize that my
expectations were extremely selfish and far from God’s will, but I didn’t know then. And I made them
clear before our marriage, so why would she keep trying to change me? My wife was doing all the things
that women typically do to change a man. I’m not going into detail, but you know your secrets, don’t you,
ladies? I’ll share more on this as the study progresses.
Anyway, my wife and I had both become Christians, and were attending church, when we participated in
our first marriage retreat. I thought, “Oh, I’m going. Finally that woman is going to hear what she’s doing
wrong because, I know this, the Bible doesn’t teach a wife to keep trying to change her husband.” I knew
that much, I thought. So, I went with the idea that my wife was going to hear what she was doing wrong.
And guess what she was thinking? So we both went, thinking we were going to hear something that
would change the other person.
When we went to the retreat, praise the Lord, the speaker taught out of the Bible. And both of us
completed that weekend in absolute amazement at how much God has to say about what it means to be
12 | WEEK 1: Day 2
a husband, and to be a wife. The way we thought, how we treated one another, how we accomplished
everything, was so far from what God’s Word has to say, that we both left that weekend so touched by
God. I called the leader and said, “Dude, you just blew my wife and me away. I need help.” And this man
discipled me over the following year. You don’t just go on a weekend retreat and say, “Okay, I got it now.”
That is wishful thinking, and is deceitful and foolish.
My wife and I could say, “Oh, we went to a marriage conference.” But how much did we retain and then
begin to work into our life? That is the question, right? So my wife and I both got involved in this
ministry, started studying the Bible, and God did such a miraculous transformation in our marriage that
we could not help but share with others.
At this point in my Christian journey I did not know about the concept of discipleship, a specific learning
process, and the significant part it plays in applying spiritual truths.
I started sharing with people the things I was learning, and eventually my pastor called me and said,
“Hey, what are you telling people? You’re blessing them, and they say you are really ministering to
them.” I remember thinking, “Wow, God can use an idiot like me.” Then my pastor asked me, “Would
pray about starting a marriage ministry?”
So my wife and I started a little Bible study on marriage that went from three to more than 30 couples
over a three-month period. God began to do such a miracle in our lives and the lives of others. I thought,
“Okay, God, this is awesome.” Then I began to really press in and study all I could about marriage in the
Bible. We witnessed over and over that when people are really committed to do God’s will follow what
His Word says as husband and wife, they will experience healing and blessing. And I thought, “This is a
ministry I’m going to do the rest of my life,” but after three years, God led me to become a lay youth
pastor. I remember thinking someone had made a mistake. Remember, God always has a plan.
I spent four and a half years as a lay youth pastor. But in God’s perfect school, I look back and see what
He has done in my life, how He put me into these circumstances to equip me to teach and disciple
people not only about marriage, but about parenting as well. Working with youth gave me unique
insights and perspectives on family. God was preparing me to touch hundreds of thousands of people.
That was His plan; but I had to embrace what He taught me and apply the principles before I could see
the hand of God at work and gain true biblical knowledge.
I am not lifting myself up or bragging about anything, for I have nothing of myself to offer. I only know
that as I trusted God and applied His principles, I experienced what He did in my life, and family! And that
is what God wants; as I have said before, He loves showing off through us.
WEEK 1: Day 2 | 13
Wrong expectations
If you go into marriage with the wrong expectations, and you do not know how to maintain your
marriage according to God’s Word, it’s not if you are going to have problems, it’s how many.
As an illustration, think about this. You spend $30,000 on a car, and you have an expectation that this
expensive car is going to look and run as good as the day you bought it for at least 20 years. You believe
that because you spent so much money it would run the entire 20 years on the same tank of gas, that oil
would not need to be changed, that the brakes and tires would last, and it would stay shiny without any
cleaning or waxing?
If that was your expectation, what would happen the first time you’re driving down the freeway and run
out of gas? You get out of the car, you’re all upset, and thinking, “What’s wrong with this piece of junk?”
The Highway Patrolman pulls up and you say, “It just quit running.” He says, “Put the key in the ignition,”
and tells you that you are out of gas. And he’s looking at you, a grown man, like you’re on drugs or an
idiot.
“What do you mean, out of gas? I have to put gas in the car?” After you get towed to a gas station, and
$90 later, you find out it’s only going to take you 250 more miles until you need a refill. You are irritated.
When you finally get to the point of accepting that idea, you get a blowout. You’re on the side of the road
again, and encounter another officer who says, “You’ve got bald tires!” Tires? So you take the car to the
shop and find out that you need tires and brakes. Another $1,200 and you are flipping out. Six months
later, the car starts smoking and you are back in the shop. You didn’t put oil in it.
Can you see that if you have the wrong expectation, you will be frustrated and begin to believe that you
have been cheated or ripped off? That’s what you would naturally believe. And the fact is that you didn’t
get cheated at all. You had the wrong expectation of what that car was supposed to do and your
responsibility to keep it maintained.
Today many feel like they got cheated in marriage. When husbands and wives come in for counseling,
you can see it when they sit down. They are at both ends of the couch, looking at me like, “Man, I got a
bad deal here!” It is all over their faces and body language. After learning from them what they were
expecting to give and receive from each other, I can understand why they are so unhappy and unfulfilled.
And, yes, we make some dumb mistakes, but a lot of the mistakes we make in our marriages are simply
due to wrong expectations.
God has given us the maintenance manual, His Word. The Bible has all we need to build and maintain a
fulfilling relationship. You never get to a place in marriage where you can say, “Oh, I’m done. I don’t have
14 | WEEK 1: Day 2
to invest in my wife or my husband anymore.” It is a continuous investment in one another through the
power of the Holy Spirit.

Read the following Scriptures and write out what they say about investing time to learn God’s will and
expectations.
2 Timothy 2:15, “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not
need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”
Proverbs 21:2, “Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, But the Lord weighs the
hearts.”
Psalm 19:8, “The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; The commandment of
the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes;”
As you go to God’s Word, learning about His purposes for marriage and your companionship needs as
husband and wife, and commit to following His instruction, you will reap the fullness in marriage that
God has planned for you. When you find yourself in a miserable situation, not experiencing joy and
peace, Christ says,
WEEK 1: Day 2 | 15
Matthew 11:28, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you
rest.”
Jesus does not say go to worldly psychology or philosophies, or your parents’ examples, or friends, but
come to the Lord and to His Word, and there you will learn biblical wisdom, which will give you godly
expectations.
Jesus is the best example of having a single-minded focus on fulfilling the Father’s will. As you read the
Gospels, you will notice that the religious leaders tried to steer Him off track, but Jesus knew the only
thing that mattered was to fulfill what God says, therefore He said,
John 6:38, “For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of Him
who sent me.”
16 | WEEK 1: Day 2
John 5:30, “I can of Myself do nothing. As I hear, I judge; and My judgment is righteous,
because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me.”
John 4:34, “…My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me, and to finish His work.”
Jesus came to do His Father’s will, to execute His plan and purpose. Notice that His FOOD was to do the
will of the Father. And so you need to see life in that way, which includes tending to your marriage.

Read the following Scriptures and write out what they say about God’s will, and what we are supposed to
do.
Romans 12:2, “ And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect
will of God.”
Ephesians 6:6, “…not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ,

doing the will of God from the heart.”
As Romans 12:2 says, we all must prove what the “will of God” is, and the only way to do that is to know
His Word.
WEEK 1: Day 3 | 17
WeeK 1: Day 3
God: The Creator of Marriage
Legal marriage in the United States has traditionally been considered between one husband and one
wife. This is due to the Christian perspective of those who founded this country, although currently that
definition of marriage is under attack. In some other cultures, man’s wisdom has prevailed resulting in
polygamy. Women are considered possessions to be dominated, and have few rights as wives and even
as mothers of their own children. Today’s philosophy for most of the world is “we will stay together as
long as you make me happy.” In fact, according to a Pew Research survey taken in 2010, “nearly four-in-
ten Americans say marriage is becoming obsolete.”2
But contrary to all of these cultural norms, the true God, the creator of marriage has much to say about
proper behaviors, attitudes, and expectations as husbands and wives. God alone holds the truth of how
He wants a marriage to operate. He is the designer! The following Scripture defines God’s perspective,
and the difference between God’s ways and man’s.
Isaiah 55:8–9, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says
the LORD. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your
ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.”
4 Action Plan 2
Write out a prayer to God, if you have been following your own ways, confessing it to Him and asking His
forgiveness. Next, write out a prayer committing yourself to learn His will, and to follow His way in your
marriage.
2 Pew Research Social and Demographic Trends, Publication Date: 12/14/11.
18 | WEEK 1: Day 3
God does not leave you guessing about His plan for marriage. Genesis 2:18 shows us that God definitely
created marriage, and has a plan and purpose for it.
Genesis 2:18, “And the Lord God said it is not good for man to be alone. I will make him a
helper comparable to him.”
First, I would like you to see who is communicating: “the Lord God said.” It was not Adam’s idea to get
himself a wife, it was God’s. Second, notice that God said, “…it is not good for man to be alone.”
Everything else in God’s creation was good (Gen 1:4, 10, 12, 18, 21, 25), but man being alone was not
good. This points directly to man’s incompleteness. Third, notice that God says, “I will make him a helper
comparable to him.” “I will make” means God will create the woman according to His design, His plan,
His thoughts, His ways, and man will have “a helper comparable to him.” One author helps drive this
point home:
In observing man’s state as not good, He (God) was commenting on his incompleteness before the end of
the sixth day because the woman, Adam’s counterpart, had not yet been created. The words of this verse
emphasize man’s need for a companion, a helper, and an equal (meaning equal in value to God). He was
incomplete without someone to complement him in fulfilling the task of filling, multiplying, and taking
dominion over the earth.3 (Italics added)
The point here is that God created marriage to fulfill His will, not ours. Adam and Eve, through their
relationship, would be the first couple to fulfill His design for marriage. Psalms 145:17 says that, “The
Lord is righteous in all His ways, gracious in all His work.” So God created marriage as a good thing for us;
we must embrace marriage as a gracious gif from Him. What many people fail to realize is that God
created marriage for our benefit. God is righteous; it would be unrighteous if He gave you something as
important as marriage without clear instructions and the power of the Holy Spirit to enable you to honor
Him by succeeding.
Unfortunately, even many who call themselves believers are gradually turning away from the truth. A
1998 survey showed that fewer than 11 percent of Christians believed the Bible contained relevant or
significant information about parenting.4 In marriage counseling, that statistic becomes very real; many
who have been Christians for numerous years do not know the basic biblical principles of marriage. This
3 The MacArthur Study Bible, John MacArthur, Jr., (Nashville, TN: Word Pub., 1997), Ge 2:18.
4 Churches Have Opportunity to Help Parents, Barna Group, January 15, 1998
WEEK 1: Day 3 | 19
reveals that either they do not have a high view of the Bible, or have not been told that the information
they need is in the Bible. For whatever reason, they do not know that the scriptures can lead to
understanding, enlightenment and do reveal how a marriage is to function. b Self-Examination

3
Take time to pray, asking God to reveal your true attitude toward His Word. Next, write out a prayer for
the faith to trust Him, to believe all that He is going to show you about marriage from the Word.
In truth, since your spouse is a gift from God, and He has greater love for them than you do, we must
believe that He provides everything you need to know about tending to them. He wants your actions to
glorify Him and bless the spouse He has given you.
a better Perspective on God’s Word

It is crucial to be convinced that God’s Word is the truth, and that He provides all the answers for godly
living and successful marriage. We learned in our Day One study that we have God’s “divine power” and
He has “given us all things that pertain to life and godliness” (2 Pet.1:3-4). God uses His Word, which is
called “living and powerful” (Heb. 4:12), to change us. As Paul writes to Timothy, he is encouraging him to
totally depend on the Word to lead and transform those in the church he was pastoring. We must have
this same perspective; the Word of God is “profitable for” guiding and instructing our behavior (2 Tim.
3:16).
20 | WEEK 1: Day 3
Read and meditate on the following Scripture:
2 Timothy 3:16-17, “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for
doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God
may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.”
FACT FILE
Doctrine – God’s divine instruction provides a comprehensive and complete body of divine
truth necessary for life, godliness and family.
Reproof – God’s Word tells us what is wrong or sinful in belief and behavior.
Correction – God’s Word tells us how to restore something to its proper condition, setting
upright something that has fallen, pointing to godly living.
Instruction in righteousness – Scripture provides positive training (“instruction” originally

referred to training a child) in godly behavior, not merely rebuke and correction of wrong
behavior (Acts 20:32; 1 Tim. 4:6; 1 Pet. 2:1,2).5
Thoroughly equipped for every good work – It is God’s intention for us to both
understand
His will and be empowered to follow through in obedience, by following the biblical
principles in His Word.
Write out how does this verse applies to learning, and how it could affect your marriage if you applied it?
5 The MacArthur Study Bible, ed. John MacArthur, 2 Ti 3:16.
WEEK 1: Day 3 | 21
Read 1 Thessalonians 2:13 and answer the questions below:
“For this reason we also thank God without ceasing, because when you received the Word
of God which you heard from us, you welcomed it not as the word of men, but as it is in
truth, the Word of God, which also effectively works in you who believe.”
How does this verse describe a proper attitude toward the Word of God? Do you believe it is the truth?
Do you welcome it? What is the attitude, process that leads to success?

According to James 1:22-25, there are right and wrong ways to receive the Word of God. Please identify
the two different approaches, and the characteristics of each.
“But be doers of the Word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the
Word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes
away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty
and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what
he does.”
What should be our attitude toward the Word of God?
22 | WEEK 1: Day 3
What are the positive consequences when we obey the Word of God?
Read the following verses and explain what it says about the Word of God and you?
Joshua 1:8, “This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it
day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will
make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.”
Psalm 19:7–11, “The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul; The testimony of the Lord is
sure, making wise the simple; The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; The
commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes; The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring
forever; The judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they
WEEK 1: Day 3 | 23
than gold, Yea, than much fine gold; Sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. Moreover by
them Your servant is warned, And in keeping them there is great reward.”
1 Peter 2:2–3, “…as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the Word, that you may grow
thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious.”
Are you confident at this point in your marriage journey that you know how to minister to your spouse
according to God’s Word?  Yes  No
God knows your strengths and weaknesses, and promises to give you wisdom and strength if you seek
and desire to do His will in your marriage. Write out a few thoughts, telling God how grateful you are for
this promise.
24 | WEEK 1: Day 3

Reflect on the following Scripture and compete the section below.
2 Corinthians 5:9, Paul says, “Therefore we make it our aim, whether present or absent, to
be well pleasing to Him.”
Paul made it his aim to be well pleasing to God; he was very intentional about it. Write out a prayer
below, telling God that your aim is to please Him by completing this workbook.
WEEK 1: Day 3 | 25
WeeK 1: Day 4
God’s Purposes for Marriage
In God’s design for marriage, He has given us some very important purposes, or characteristics, that we
need to embrace in order to fulfill His will. The biblical principles below will set the course for applying
the rest of this workbook. These will be referred to often, and are essential to having a successful
marriage.
Introduction: The Ministry of Marriage

When we hear the word “minister,” we commonly think of a pastor or person who works for a church.
But the word includes more than those descriptions.
FA CT FILE
The word minister is derived from the Greek word diakonos, which means a servant.
Minister – (noun) A servant or waiter, one who oversees, governs and fulfills.
Minister – (verb) To adjust, regulate and set in order; to serve, render service to another;
to labor for the Lord as a servant. So a minister is one who acts under the order of
another, or who is subject to another to execute his purposes. As Christians, who are we
subject to?
JESUS! And as His children we are here to do His will.
So how does this apply to us in our Christian marriages? It means that we are under the care and
authority of Jesus Christ, who is one with God the Father, and that we receive our instructions from Him.
God has given us our spouses and He desires for us to execute His purposes to and for them. You and I
are ministers to our spouses, under God. This mindset will completely change your disposition and
approach to marriage for them.
Have you seen your role as that of a minister?  Yes  No
In a marriage, depending totally on the Lord Jesus Christ is essential. We are not to promote our own will
and wishes, but we are responsible to follow the Lord’s will and desire in our marriage relationships.
Matthew 20:28 (King James Version) says, “Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but
to minister…” The same verse also reads, “Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to
26 | WEEK 1: Day 4
serve…” Clearly, ministering and serving are the same, and Jesus is our example. Do not mistake
“serving” as the worldly view of pampering your spouse, but serve by loving and tending to them
according to God’s instructions. When we begin to see our marriages as serving God and ministering to
our spouses for His purposes, we are headed in the right direction.
Since God created man, woman, and marriage, then we are to execute His purposes in that holy union.
God has made husbands and wives to minister His will to one another. To see yourself in that role, as a
minister under God, under His will to serve, is extremely important. If you have God’s perspective as a
minister, you then won’t be arguing or asserting your own will, fighting to get what you want. When you
both have the desire to fulfill God’s will, as His ministers to one another, you will be a blessing and
encouragement to each other.
Write out a prayer asking God to help you see yourself as His minister, and your spouse as your first
ministry.
DIG DEEPER – FURTHER STUDY

Read the following Scripture and describe in your own words how Paul and his companions ministered to
people. What attitudes did they display?
1 Thessalonians 2:7-8, “But we were gentle among you, just as a nursing mother
cherishes her own children. So, affectionately longing for you, we were well pleased to
impart to you not only the gospel of God, but also our own lives, because you had become
dear to us.”
WEEK 1: Day 4 | 27
The Right blueprint

As ministers of God, we must know His purposes, what He wants us to accomplish, how to proceed, and
how to minister to those He gives to us. Understanding His purposes also helps us recognize our daily
need for God’s wisdom and strength.
FACT FILE
Purpose – an intended, or desired, result or goal.
When Christian married couples are asked what they believe God’s purpose is for them as ministers and
spouses, in most cases it will produce many different answers. This is an indication of the lack of unity
between husbands and wives in this area. To a certain extent, this is the main problem: when two people
with the same task are going in different directions, confusion and many other negative possibilities can
result.
And the Bible shows us that this is not God’s plan!
1 Corinthians 14:33, “For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace.”
Regrettably, the body of Christ has not given preference to training or discipling people in marriage.
Many churches have never promoted marriage discipleship, or held classes on God’s instruction for
marriage! Yet the churches are filled with people seeking marriage counseling. During our teen years, we
undergo fifty hours or more of training to get a driver’s license, yet how many hours of training are
required for getting married? None! Which is more important, driving a car or having a biblical marriage?
The answer is obvious. And due to that lack of training, many couples, even Christian couples, can be a
very negative influence on each other.
What happens when a husband and wife disagree and are not clear in their God-given purposes?
Problems arise followed by tension, strife, and division. This, in turn, puts a strain on marriage and
family, which is a devastating problem in the body of Christ today.
28 | WEEK 1: Day 4
In Matthew 12:25, Jesus revealed a self-evident truth:
“Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house
divided against itself will not stand.” b Self-Examination 6

Take time right now to write out a prayer. Ask God, as husband and wife, to give you the grace to begin
again in your marriage. Ask Him for the mercy to forgive each other for past mistakes, for not working in
harmony, and to open your hearts to receive His instruction and work together as a team.
Husband:
Wife:
WEEK 1: Day 4 | 29
Read the following Scripture meditating on the attitudes that God desires for us:
Colossians 3:12-16, “Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender
mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and
forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave
you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of
perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in
one body; and be thankful. Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom,
teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing
with grace in your hearts to the Lord.”
It is clear that the foundation for all we do must be an understanding of the purposes and plans that God
has for us. This will be the topic of the following section. Once we embrace God’s authority, it is essential
to follow through in practical ways. God is the architect, but it is our job to build the house according to
His blueprint. When we understand what God is trying to do through us and within us, when we follow
His design, we then understand why it is so vital that we have a right relationship with Christ.

Read the following verse and in your own words, explain how this verse can relate to you as a spouse and
minister.
Ephesians 2:10, says, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good
works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”
30 | WEEK 1: Day 4
The Four Purposes

God’s purpose for us as spouses and ministers can be broken down into four areas. He wants to be
glorified in our relationship; for us be transformed into the image of Christ; for us to meet the
companionship needs of one another; and for us to raise our children according to His Word.
First Purpose: God’s Glorification
FACT FILE
Glorify – To reflect, to honor, praise, to give esteem or honor by putting Him into an honorable
position.6
Our primary purpose as believers is to glorify God. In 1 Corinthians 6:20, scripture says, “For you were
bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.” The word glorify
translates “to reflect”. As believers and ministers of God to our spouse, we are to act as His reflection to
him or her.
Matthew 5:16, “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works
and glorify your Father in Heaven.”
So Jesus says, “I want you to reflect Me, to glorify the Father in Heaven.” In your marriage, how often
does your spouse see the reflection of God in your character or behavior? Are you concerned about that
every day? Imagine how just this one biblical principle could change your relationship, if every morning
you prayed, “God, I want my husband/wife to see You in the way that I act and respond, because Your
desire is to be glorified in me.”
Remember, God is changing us from the inside, which is evident by our attitudes and behavior. Our
transformation becomes real as we exhibit the very nature of Christ to those around us. b Self-
Examination 7
Consider the attitudes that you are demonstrating to your spouse. Write out what words and behaviors
do not reflect God?
6 Spiros Zodhiates, The Complete Word Study Dictionary: New Testament (Chattanooga, TN: AMG Publishers, 2000), 481.
WEEK 1: Day 4 | 31
Husbands consider this. Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the
Church and gave Himself for her.” This tells a man that his thoughts, words and deeds toward his wife are
to look like Jesus’ actions toward the Church. This is a huge obligation He’s placed upon us. We cannot do
this in our own strength, but only through the power of the Holy Spirit. Wives consider this. Ephesians
5:22 states, “Wives, submit unto your husbands as unto the Lord,” telling the wife that she is to treat her
husband the same way she treats the Lord. Now, how many of you wives treat your husbands like you
treat the Lord?
4 Action Plan 3
Write down any incidents in the last week in which you have misrepresented God. Next ask God to
forgive you, and then go to your spouse and do the same. Note: don’t make excuses.
Second Purpose: Our Transformation

God wants us to be transformed. Isn’t it good to know that when Jesus Christ called you unto Himself, He
didn’t say, “Go get cleaned up, quit doing all your bad things, then come back and I’ll see if I’ll accept
you.” When God called us to Himself, He took us the way we were. Praise the Lord!
32 | WEEK 1: Day 4
When God caught me, I was running a hundred miles-an-hour in the other direction. The amazement of
my born-again experience was when the Lord was touching my mind and heart with the words “I love
you and I want you,” I was thinking, “How can You want me?” It was His love that impelled me to receive
Him, ask Him to be my Lord and Savior. He took me that way, but He did not want me to stay there.
I don’t know you, but I know you’re evil. I guarantee you that you are a sinner (Rom. 3:23). We come to
Christ “still sinning” (Rom. 5:8), “without strength” (v. 6), and “enemies” of God (v. 10), but God says that
from the moment you and I accept Christ, the journey of transformation, or what the Bible calls
sanctification (1 Cor. 1:30), is just beginning. You and I should be able to look back and say we look more
like Jesus today than yesterday. But many Christians are not even concerned about that, and do not
realize how God’s process of sanctification works. Being transformed into Christ’s image is God’s plan and
purpose for every believer.
The apostle John gives us an exhortation that links the keeping of God’s Word with being perfected or
becoming mature.
1 John 2:5, “But whoever keeps His Word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this
we know that we are in Him.”
FACT FILE
Perfected – teleio (Greek), translates “to make complete,” which indicates that something
is in process. “Particularly with the meaning to bring to a full end, completion, reaching
the intended goal, to finish a work or duty.”7
The phrase “keeps His Word” means knowing His Word and doing it, then “the love of God is perfected”
in us. To put it another way:
John 15:10, “If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept
My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.”
,When we know His Word and desire to do it, we are transformed from the inside and the result shows in
our behavior. In everyday situations, including the challenges of home life, God will use our spouse as His
tool to reveal things in us that He hates; the sinful attitudes and behaviors that show up as we relate to
one another. Did you ever consider that your spouse is used by God to transform you into the image of
Christ? When we say or do some ungodly thing, we say, “You made me act this way.” But can we find that
in God’s Word? No! God says, “out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Matt. 12:34). That
ungodliness is inside and God is using your spouse to bring it out, to show you what needs to change.
7 Spiros Zodhiates, The Complete Word Study Dictionary: #5048.
WEEK 1: Day 4 | 33
When we claim our innocence, or blame them, we fail to take responsibility. It is vitally important that
you and I understand as ministers that God is using the dynamics of our families to purge us and
transform us into the likeness of Christ.
2 Corinthians 3:18, says, “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory
of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the
Spirit of the Lord.”
FACT FILE
Transformed – is metamorphóō (Greek), from which we derive our English word metamorphosis:
to change into something entirely different, as a caterpillar to a butterfly.
Here it represents the thorough change as a Christian gradually transforms into the likeness of Christ,
and comes to desire God’s will in all things. b Self-Examination 8

This verse gives assurance that God is at work, changing you. Can you trust Him and ask Him to reveal
areas where you still need improvement?  Yes  No
In the space below, write a prayerful commitment to accept His perfect way of revealing the lack of
Christlikeness in you.

Read the following Scripture and write out what God promises to do in you?
Philippians 1:6, “Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in
you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”
34 | WEEK 1: Day 4
This good work is the process of becoming like Christ; in this case to be His disciple and the spouse He
desires you to be.
Do you still have room to grow in this area?  Yes  No
We must be assured in our hearts that God uses the differences between husbands and wives as material
for training in obedience to His will. Many Christians reject this truth because of their ignorance, not
realizing that this is part of the sanctification process and plan. Marriage is a part of God’s training camp.
WEEK 1: Day 4 | 35
Many of the trials we face are by His will. He heats you up and brings your sin (un-Christlikeness) to the
surface. And if you don’t understand that He orchestrated this circumstance to reveal these things in
you, not for you to blame your spouse, but for you to say, “Oh my gosh, Lord, yuck. This sin was here
when You accepted me, you’re using this situation to reveal my sin so I can repent and stop doing it.”
God is not allowing these circumstances so He can find out what is within us; He already knows and sees
all, and still loves us. Praise Him! He is doing it so that we will see ourselves, and seek His help for
change.
Proverbs 17:3, says, “The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, But the Lord
tests the hearts.”
When these trials come, what are some of the ungodly attitudes and actions being revealed to you
through your spouse, or children?
Isaiah 48:10, says, “Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the
furnace of affliction.”
Jeremiah 17:10, says, “I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give every
man according to his ways, According to the fruit of his doings.”
36 | WEEK 1: Day 5
WeeK 1: Day 5
Cooperating With God’s Discipline
When we take responsibility, or “ownership” of our behavior, we will ask God to forgive us, our spouse to
forgive us, and begin to pray, “God, take this out of me.” That’s when transformation begins; until we
respond to situations in this way, we will never experience growth. Often, when Christian couples come
in for counseling with five, ten, even 20 years of toxic communication behind them, because they didn’t
understand God’s will in this area, they feel hopeless and want to give up.
Even after learning that God uses our relationship as a husband and wife to transform us, apart from His
daily grace we are unable to accept and cooperate with Him in this area. When we are not abiding in
Christ daily, and the testing comes, we will most likely react in the flesh with anger, pride, blame, self-
pity, and more. It is even becoming more common for Christians to believe that their sinful behaviors are
the result of external causes, so they are not to blame. When we are abiding in Jesus daily, looking unto
Him for the grace to do His will, then and only then can we experience this inner transformation.
Hebrews 12:2, says, “Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the
joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the
right hand of the throne of God.” b Self-Examination 10

Notice that Jesus endured the pain of the cross because of the joyous result, the salvation of our souls.
What joy do you see that makes the pain of transformation worthwhile? Name at least two areas God is
revealing within you that He wants to change (example: anger, impatience, resentment, unforgiveness,
harshness, bitterness, evasiveness, etc.)
WEEK 1: Day 5 | 37
The verse also says “look unto Jesus.” Write out a prayer of commitment to look to Him when a
challenging marital issue comes up in your home?
You know, God sometimes uses things that we perceive as unjust to do His work. Have you ever read the
story of Joseph? There’s a young man that should have been in 25 years of therapy. I tell you, he could
have been on every medication they have on earth today. “My brothers were jealous, so they beat me
up, dug a pit in the ground and threw me in there to die, but they decided to sell me as a slave, blah,
blah, blah… then my master’s wife seduced me and I ran but they put me in prison, etc.”
That guy’s life was messed up, but he wasn’t messed up because he put his faith and trust in the Lord.
When Joseph’s brothers were devastated by guilt over what they did to him, he said, “But as for you, you
meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many
people alive.” (Gen. 50:20) He had plenty of opportunity to say, “Alright God, life stinks, it’s unfair, and so
I’m just going to do what I want.” You can read his story (Genesis, chapters 37-50), how he trusted God.
But as Christians today, if our spouse disappoints us, fails our expectations, we get angry and sin. All the
while, God is waiting for the light to go on, for us to realize that He is allowing the trials for our good.
(Note: God does not condone or have anything to do with sinful abuse.) God doesn’t want us to excuse
our sinfulness and stay in a state of disobedience. This is the hard part for us; when God wraps His
fingers around you and me, and begins to mold and shape, it doesn’t always feel good. The Bible says
that He is the potter and we are the clay.
Isaiah 29:16, New Living Translation, says:
“How foolish can you be? He is the Potter, and He is certainly greater than you, the clay!
Should the created thing say of the one who made it, “He didn’t make me”? Does a jar
ever say, ‘The potter who made me is stupid’?”
38 | WEEK 1: Day 5
Ouch! So many times in a heated moment, when God is trying to bring about transformation, we tell Him
through our actions, “Take Your hand off of me, Lord! I don’t want to be shaped; I don’t want to be
transformed, I don’t like the ways You reveal my sin nature and teach me!”
I know that you may not have viewed your husband or wife as the very fingers of God, but He is telling
you it’s true. He will continue to press upon us until we surrender, or become miserable. And there are
many people in marriage very miserable, not experiencing what God wants, because they are ignorant of
His purposes.
The Lord has used my wife to reveal things in me that I didn’t like, and I know God didn’t like. He has
used my oldest son Nicholas, more than anything or anyone on earth, to reveal the ugliness in me. I
didn’t know how angry I was inside until my son came along. By the time he was three, he was able to
anger me more than any other human being on earth. But God revealed to me, “It’s not Nick, Craig, it’s
Me. I put this strong-willed child in your life to reveal things that I hate in you. And when they surface,
until you take ownership and repent for them, and ask for Me to change you, you will never change. And
you will not have a relationship with your son, either. It’s up to you, Craig. Surrender, or suffer.”
We don’t like challenges, or suffering. Many Christians think, “Oh wait a minute, God, I’m supposed to be
happy.” Yes, but not in our way, because we are selfish! You and I should not say to God, “Okay, I know
what I need, here’s my list.” God knows that we are wicked; His Word says that we cannot trust our own
heart. We have to look to God’s Word, where Jesus says in John 6:38, “For I have come down from
heaven not to do mine own will, but the will of who sent me.” Glorifying God means living out His will and
purpose in and through our lives.
Third Purpose: To Meet Each Other’s Companionship Needs

The next purpose is meeting each other’s companionship needs (Gen. 2:24). Again, this is not
accomplished in our way or in our own strength, but by His Word and His grace. We must understand
and believe that God created Adam and then created woman as a “helper comparable to him.” Let’s
bring some clarity to what that means.
Genesis 2:18, God says, “It is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper
comparable to him.”
FACT FILE
Helper – azar (Hebrew), a verb meaning to aid, to support, give encouragement, one who
surrounds, protects, and helps another.
Comparable – means one who is the counterpart, the other side, a part opposite, a mate, a
companion, but not identical.
WEEK 1: Day 5 | 39
God calls the marriage of man and woman “becoming one”, not identical, but the uniting of two halves in
order to create a perfect whole. I’m not supposed to be like a woman, and my wife isn’t supposed to be
like a man. What God is saying here is that we need to adapt to the uniqueness of another, become a
matched pair that truly meets the companionship needs of one another through the power of the Holy
Spirit. He wants us to minister to our spouses, meeting their companionship needs, and create a
relationship with depth and intimacy.
According to this account in Genesis, seeing that it was not good for the man to be alone, God gave him a
helper, or a helpmate. Notice the word He used here is helper, not leader or coach. God formed the man
out of the dust of the ground (Genesis 2:7), but He also formed or, literally, built the woman out of the
rib of the man (Genesis 2:21-22). God was demonstrating the role that the husband and wife would have
in one another’s lives. They would be mutually dependent upon one another. The man needed
companionship. The man needed help! God provided that help through the woman. A woman would
make up for what was lacking in the man, and vice versa. The woman’s life came from the man, and
man’s life would proceed from the woman.
Wives, do you want to be a helper/helpmate to your husband?  Yes  No ( Tell him now.)
Husbands are you willing to admit to yourself and your wife that you need her?  Yes  No (Tell her
now.)
God also desires that husband and wife have a unique relationship that He calls becoming “one”
spiritually, emotionally, and sexually, thus fulfilling one another’s companionship needs. God said this
right from the beginning.
Genesis 2:24, “ Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his
wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
FACT FILE
Joined – carries the sense of a permanent or indissoluble union, so that divorce was not
considered.8
8 The MacArthur Study Bible, ed. John MacArthur, Ge 2:24.
40 | WEEK 1: Day 5
“One flesh” speaks of a complete unity of parts making a whole, e.g., one cluster, many
grapes (Num. 13:23) or one God in 3 persons (Deut. 6:4); thus this marital union was
complete and whole with two people.9
In Matthew 19:5-6, Jesus says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined
to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so then they are no longer two, but one flesh.
Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.”
God desires us to become one with our spouse. It is so wonderful to grow into such intimacy with your
husband or wife that you can know what the other is thinking. Have you experienced that? That’s what
God wants.
Often, I don’t have to make requests of my wife because she already knows what I need, and vice-versa.
We desire to prioritize each other and be aware of one another’s needs, and meet those needs before
they’re requested. That’s what God desires. This is the great mystery He is talking about. When God
looks upon you after you’re married, He sees you as two-in-one. The journey is to learn how to see and
treat one another as God sees us, not independent but as one. Many have not been discipled in these
truths and still think in a very independent way, which really destroys the relationship.
Through this study, you will learn about the different companionship needs of a husband and wife. But
there is one need that is equal for both men and women, and that is love. Our greatest companionship
need is love, and God’s Word is very clear on how to love one another.
God instructs husbands:

Ephesians 5:25, states, “Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the Church and
gave Himself for her.”
God instructs wives:

I Peter 3:3-4, “Do not let your adornment be merely outward, arranging your hair or
wearing gold and putting on fine apparel, but rather let it be the hidden person of the
heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is very precious in
the sight of God.”
God has set standards for love that seem hard to keep, but would God ask us to do something that is
impossible? Is God fair and just? Are you sure? There are many people who would not say God is unfair,
but their heart is saying I can’t love my spouse the way God desires. The truth is, that attitude is not “I
9 Ibid.
WEEK 1: Day 5 | 41
cannot”, but more “I will not”. And that is rebellion! Let us all be very clear that God promises to give you
ALL the grace you need to do His will, including loving your spouse. Amen?
God said I am supposed to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, and my wife is supposed to love me
with an incorruptible love as to the Lord. Is that possible? It is possible! God is not a liar. If He says it,
what will stop Him from working through us to accomplish this ministry of love? Only we can, along with
our stubborn selfishness or lack of faith. The only thing that can stop this from being fulfilled is your
rebellion, “I don’t believe it and I won’t try. I won’t pray, and I won’t desire it.”
When you believe what God’s Word says, that this is what He wants to do in and through your life; only
then will you become His vessel to pour His love through you. God’s Word determines the value you
place on your spouse, not selfish expectations. When your partner fails to obey God’s will, you are to
remain faithful to God’s desire for you in the marriage. When God tells a man to love his wife as Christ
loves the Church, He does not mean “if” she does what he wants when he wants. His Word does not say
to the wife, love your husband with this incorruptible love and honor him as unto the Lord only “if” He
follows the Word of God.
I counsel many Christians who want to blame their anger and unloving behavior on their spouse’s
failures. After 15 or 20 years of a marriage not functioning according to God’s Word, it is easy to develop
sinful habits and want to give up. I encourage them to commit the next few weeks to learning God’s will,
and to take responsibility for whatever they do contrary to God’s Word. What happens is a miracle.
I’m very busy as a counselor, not because Craig Caster is wonderful – I’m not, I have read 1 Corinthians
1:26-31. The truth and power is in the Word of God, but we must choose to obey it. When couples say,
“Okay, I’m going to do it, God. And when I fail, I will tell my spouse I’m sorry. When I fail to love them, I’m
not going to blame them. I will go to them and say, ‘I’m sorry, I blew it.’” When individuals do that, and
ask God to change them, He does. I don’t care how much hardship touched your life before you got
married, or what kind of ignorant or stubborn person God blessed you with as a husband or wife, God is
bigger and He’s more powerful.
If you don’t trust God, you’re calling Him a liar. And there are serious consequences when we do that to
God. When we harbor such thoughts as “You don’t know who I married God”, we fail to acknowledge
that God created that person. God knows that your situation is difficult, but He also knows that
ignorance, stubbornness, sin and failure to follow His design will bring negative consequences to you.

Read the following Scriptures about faith, and write out what your attitudes and actions should be.
42 | WEEK 1: Day 5
Hebrews 11:6, “But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God
must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.”
Proverbs 29:25, “The fear of man brings a snare, But whoever trusts in the Lord shall be
safe.”
2 Corinthians 5:7, “For we walk by faith, not by sight.”
Hebrews 4:2, “For indeed the gospel was preached to us as well as to them; but the word
which they heard did not profit them, not being mixed with faith in those who heard it.”
Fourth Purpose: Multiply—To Conceive and Raise Godly Children

To multiply, or raise children, is another God-ordained purpose for marriage.
Genesis 1:27-28 reads, “So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He
created him, male and female He created them, then God blessed them and God said to
them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply.’”
WEEK 1: Day 5 | 43
This does not mean that all married couples must have children. If that were the case, all
would have the ability; however, one purpose for marriage is to raise and train children,
not our way but God’s way.
Some people avoid having children because they endured terrible parenting, were hurt, or experienced
some trauma that created unforgiveness, or fear that has taken root in their heart. If this is your reason,
then seek the Lord to help with those issues and to heal you. Do not let other people’s sin rob you of
God’s will for your life.
Another common reason for not having children is our selfishness. Children are looked upon as a
hindrance or obstacle to our plans, ambitions, and goals. While it may be wise for some couples to plan
on having children at a later time so they can settle into their newly married life, make sure they have a
steady income, finish school, as well as various other reasons, the operative word is plan. In other words,
there is a plan set in place. It should also be noted that many newly married couples have children right
away and are totally blessed by raising children. This is something that each couple needs to bring before
the Lord in prayer. When you really stop and think about it, if your parents had been selfish and
considered children an obstacle, you would not be here.
Final note: If you feel that you are not equipped to raise children, let me encourage you to go through
the material titled Parenting Is a Ministry, which is on our website. Just as many have not been discipled
on how to have a biblical a marriage, the same goes for parenting. If you have a child/children, or are
planning for the future, the only way to make it a blessing for all is to raise them according to God’s
Word. In so doing, you glorify God and can be sure that He will provide His grace and power to fulfill this
awesome task. My wife and I spent our first five years doing it our own way, which resulted in frustration.
Once we applied God’s wisdom to raising our children, it became a joy and very fruitful. Now, my
children are adults and I see the wonderful fruit of doing things God’s way. Plus, we are experiencing the
wonderful life of having a granddaughter and seeing how my son and his wife are raising her.
No Kidding, God!
Now, do you feel that fulfilling God’s purposes as a spouse, glorifying God in all your actions, yielding to
being transformed into His image, meeting your spouse’s companionship needs, and raising children is
easy? If you said “yes”, I want your autograph. It’s not easy; it’s downright difficult!
Fulfilling God’s purposes for marriage is challenging and can be confusing at times. It is never God’s
intention for us to panic and think we must do this by our own strength. In fact, we can’t do it without
Him! When you believe that, really believe that, you will really appreciate what’s coming in the next
section of information.
44 | WEEK 1: Day 5
Many marriages fail because we do not access the most important relationship one could have, their
relationship with Christ. When this is not done, then you will not have the knowledge and power to do
God’s will.
WEEK 1: Day 5 | 45
Week 2: Having a Strong Foundation
WeeK 2: Day 1
Introduction: The Foundation
Last week focused on the importance, the absolute necessity, of believing that God created marriage. And
that God Himself has provided both husband and wife with specific instructions on how He wants the
relationship to operate. We learned that those instructions are found in His Word, and it is only by
studying and obeying the Word that we can bring unity, peace, love and the fruit of the Spirit into our
marriages.
Our material concluded with a question, “Has anyone found that fulfilling God’s purposes as a spouse,
glorifying God in all your actions, yielding to being transformed into His image, meeting your spouse’s
companionship needs, and raising children is easy?” Of course, the answer to that is “NO”. It is not easy,
and that is why we need God’s strength, wisdom and guidance. This chapter is so important.
Understanding and applying the biblical concepts presented here is the only way to have all the blessings
God wants you to experience within a marriage and family.
As you move through this discipleship workbook, you will discover that in order to fulfill what God is asking
of you, “Having a Strong Foundation” must be your first priority. You will see this was not only God’s plan
from the beginning, in the Old Testament, but also Jesus’ exhortation in the New Testament.
God wants His instructions to be clear, so Scripture often includes examples and comparisons that people
can easily understand. In Matthew 7:24 – 27, Jesus tells the parable of the two builders: one man who
built his house upon rock and another who built on sand. Eventually, “the rain descended, the floods came,
and the winds blew and beat on that house…” and, as expected, the house on rock remained while the
house on sand fell. Jesus had been teaching many things to His followers over time, and Matthew 7:24
reveals His point: “Therefore, whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a
wise man who built his house on the rock.”
We always have a choice to follow the path of wisdom, or the path of folly. There is no third alternative.
One path leads to success, the other to failure. For example, many years ago, I was a land developer who
built industrial parks, shopping centers and storage facilities. A piece of property was purchased for the
construction of an office building, based on a cost analysis that looked profitable. But when the architect
46 | WEEK 2: Day 1
WeeK 2: HavING a STRONG FOUNDaTION
finished the plans, the foundation was much larger than expected, adding additional expenses. The
foundation footings required were seven feet in diameter and used four times the usual amount of steel!
When questioned, the architect explained that about 30 feet under the crust of this land was a fault line
resulting in a level of mud. In his expert opinion, the only way to build safely required a massive foundation
to support the building. By this time in my career, I had completed various projects representing more than
3,000,000 square feet of construction, and I could have chosen to follow my own experience rather than
the architect’s advice. Imagine what would have happened, however, if I had taken those plans and
decided to build according to my past experience.
If I choose to shrink the foundation to what I thought would be adequate, the problems would have been
devastating. As storms and earthquakes hit, the foundation would have cracked. The deterioration would
go like this: the slab would eventually break, and cracks begin to appear in the windows, then the door
jambs would get to the point where the doors did not close, and the staircase would begin cracking, and
the elevator shaft would not line up. Eventually, the building would be condemned as unsafe because of
the inadequate foundation and resulting damage.
Obviously, I would have been foolish to ignore the architect for any reason, be it greed, pride or even
putting faith in my past experience. To follow anything but the architect’s plan for a strong foundation
would have resulted in disaster and greater loss. And so it is for us as believers when we are ignorant of, or
ignore the instructions of God and do not follow them. It is not enough for us to be “hearers”, but we must
be “doers” (James 1:22) if we are to build a strong foundation for our life. It is always foolish for us to
question or ignore the architect of our faith, Jesus Christ.
Scripture reveals information on God’s design for a strong foundation that we need to study and follow,
because a building is only as good as the foundation on which it stands. Your life can look good for a while,
but how strong are you really? The storms of trouble will eventually reveal the true nature of your
foundation.
Priorities in Place
Jesus told us, “But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added
to you” (Matt. 6:33).
FACT FILE
Seek first: A command to do and never stop. The promise is that when you do, “all these
things shall be added to you.” When interpreting “all these things” you need to take into
account that this sermon starts at Matt. 5:1, known as the Sermon on the Mount. The
immediate context (v 31) speaks of food, drink and clothing; if Christ will take care of those
needs when we seek Him first, how much more will He give us all things for our marriages.
WEEK 2: Day 1 | 39
Seeking God and His kingdom is to be our top priority as believers, and as such it is the foundation for life.
Remember, as husbands and wives you are also ministers of God to your spouses, and face the added
challenge of fulfilling His will in all things pertaining to family. We accomplish this by putting the issues of
life in perspective, and by prioritizing our choices according to what God says is important. To truly fulfill
God’s purposes in and through us, we must look to Him daily for strength to accomplish this task.
We would all agree that it is important for a pastor to have a strong, intimate relationship with the Lord.
We would expect him to get up every day and spend time studying and praying, seeking wisdom and
guidance from God to lead his family and congregation. If he did not, we would question his dedication as
we recognize the need for God’s empowerment and direction in order to fulfill his responsibilities.
You can easily put those expectations on your pastor, but now consider yourself. Since God looks upon
ministering to your spouse and children with the same importance that he places on a pastor’s relationship
to his congregation, is it not just as urgent for you to seek God every day? Is it not necessary for you to
build that strong foundation, that relationship with Christ where you get the strength and wisdom needed
to glorify God in your family? Experience, and Scripture, tells us all that if we do not read the Word and
pray daily, the old sin nature begins to show up, bringing chaos and destruction into our lives.
Weak Foundation—Family Problems

When we look at families throughout the world, we can see that they are in trouble. The divorce rate
within the church is increasing, kids are killing one another, abusing drugs, and experimenting with sex,
and many are walking away from the faith. One book says this concerning children in America:
“Somewhere between eighty and ninety percent of kids in America are abandoning their
parents’ faith once they reach adulthood. At that tragic rate, the fifty million children who
are growing up in church today would die out to fewer than seven thousand in only ten
generations time. That’s sadly where current Christian families in America are headed
without a radical change.”10
Christian counselors ministering to married couples and families that are experiencing major trials often
find that the foundation for strong and enduring faith has been neglected. In many cases this is due to
ignorance, where parents are acting from experience and worldly advice rather than Biblical truth. Because
10 Stephen & Alex Kendrick with Randy Alcorn, The Resolution for Men, ed by Lawrence Kimbrough (Nashville, TN: B&H
Publishing, 2011), 115.
48 | WEEK 2: Day 1
married couples and parents have not been taught how to build this strong foundation in their own lives,
the Christ-like influence they should have on their spouses and children is not happening. Tending to family
in your own way and strength can actually result in turning your spouse and children away from God.
Intimacy with God

In Deuteronomy 6, Moses fulfilled God’s will by teaching the Israelites what was expected of them when
they entered the Promised Land. Within these instructions, God reveals His heart regarding the close
relationship He wants to have with us. This intimate relationship with God is the foundation, the strength
of our faith, upon which you build your life and family.
Deuteronomy 6:1-6, “Now this is the commandment, and these are the statutes and
judgments which the LORD your God has commanded to teach you, that you may observe
them in the land which you are crossing over to possess, that you may fear the LORD your
God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments which I command you, you and your
son and your grandson, all the days of your life, and that your days may be prolonged.
Therefore hear, O Israel, and be careful to observe it, that it may be well with you, and that
you may multiply greatly as the LORD God of your fathers has promised you—’a land
flowing with milk and honey.’ “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one! You shall
love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.
And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart.”
Verses three and four begin with, “Hear, O Israel,” to emphasize the importance of listening to God’s voice.
Whenever that phrase appears, the message is, “Listen up!” God is really on our side; He wants us to
succeed. In these verses, the information was actually essential for Israel to survive as a nation. And what
God said in Deuteronomy 6 is relevant to us today. These verses reveal truths that also are fundamental to
our success as believers and ministers to our children.
In Deuteronomy 6:5, it says, “Love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all
your strength.” This means that you show your love for God by choosing to have an intimate relationship
with Him. Spending time with Christ is a daily choice. Being closely acquainted, familiar, personal, and
abiding in Him “with all your heart, soul and strength” indicates the involvement of your total being –
body, soul, and spirit. We recognize that our spouses and children need love from us and we have some
idea of how to do that. God asks for individual attention, and time, as you build a loving relationship with
Him. In fact, God promises that if you put Him first, other relationships will also improve.
Verse six tells us that God’s words must be in our hearts. This means not only reading scripture regularly,
but also obeying. To exemplify Christ and teach others, you must have intimate knowledge of God’s will.
That, combined with dependence upon Christ’s wisdom and strength, is the foundation needed to fulfill
the difficult responsibilities of ministering to your spouse and guiding your children to godly maturity. Your
daily practice of devotion and communication with God is directly related to your success.
WEEK 2: Day 1 | 41
FACT FILE
Heart: Lebab (Hebrew), meaning heart, mind, inner person. The primary usage of this word
describes the entire disposition of the inner person. 11 Kardia (Greek, is the seat of the
desires, feelings, affections, passions, impulses, i.e., the heart or mind. 12

Describe in your own words what the following scripture says about God’s Word and what we are to do
with it?
Psalm 119:10-11, “With my whole heart I have sought You; Oh, let me not wander from
Your commandments! Your word I have hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against
You.”
Read the following scriptures and write out the main principles. Explain how these principles can help you
be a better spouse? List two ways you can do this from each verse.
Deuteronomy 30:14, “But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that
you may do it.”
11 Warren Baker, The Complete Word Study Dictionary : Old Testament (Chattanooga, TN: AMG Publishers, 2003), 537.
12 Spiros Zodhiates, The Complete Word Study Dictionary : New Testament, electronic ed. (Chattanooga, TN: AMG Publishers,
2000).
50 | WEEK 2: Day 1
Psalm 37:31, “The law of his God is in his heart; None of his steps shall slide”.
Psalm 40:8, “I delight to do Your will, O my God, And Your law is within my heart.”
Sadly, many people in the body of Christ have never been discipled in the truth that intimacy with God
(the Father, the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit) is proportionate to the amount of effort put into
seeking Him. Intimacy requires time in His Word, praying and fellowshipping with other believers. The
word “discipled” indicates that one Christian (or several), perhaps more mature in the faith, has come
alongside to help another develop intimacy with the Lord. Without a guide, the pathway can be difficult
to grasp and follow. You may believe, but also wonder “how is it possible to develop a relationship with
an invisible God?” You may evaluate your relationship to God by thinking “I go to church on Sunday, I
prayed the prayer of salvation, I quit smoking and drinking and changed some of my bad habits. Is there
something more?” Yes, there is more and you can go deeper in your relationship to God.
WeeK 2: Day 2
Three essential Ingredients
Luke 6:46-49, “But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do the things which I say?
Whoever comes to Me, and hears My sayings and does them, I will show you whom he is
like: He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock.
And when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently against that house, and could not
shake it, for it was founded on the rock. But he who heard and did nothing is like a man
who built a house on the earth without a foundation, against which the stream beat
vehemently; and immediately it fell. And the ruin of that house was great.”
Again we see the importance that Jesus put on having a strong foundation. In this passage, He breaks it
down into three essential ingredients. First, He says “whoever comes to Me,” which indicates where we
are to build. The Bible is clear that Jesus is our foundation, 1 Corinthians 3:11 reads: “For no other
foundation can anyone lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ.” There must be a time in life
when you sought forgiveness for your sins and asked Jesus Christ to come into your life as Lord and
Savior. Merely being born in America and/or attending a church does not make you a Christian. That
requires a decision to repent from sin and turn the control of your life over to God, through Jesus Christ.
John 1:12 speaks of Jesus, “But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to
become children of God, to those who believe in His name.”
So, the first ingredient is receiving Jesus Christ.
52 | WEEK 2: Day 2
Second, the passage in Luke says, “(whoever)… hears My sayings” which refers to the tools we use for
building, God’s Word and prayer. You must decide to regularly spend time reading and meditating on
God’s Word, really listening to what God is saying. Through God’s Word and prayer, we get to know Him
and understand His love; and how to live correctly. Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ:
it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in
the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”
So, the second ingredient is your daily relationship with Christ through reading and mediating on His
Word and prayer.
The third ingredient is living out or obeying God’s Word. When Jesus says, “(whoever)…hears my sayings
and does them,” He is describing the person who is doing God’s will. This process of hearing and doing
means to obey, or apply His Word to life. 1 Peter 1:22-23 says, “Since you have purified your souls in
obeying the truth through the Spirit…through the Word of God which lives and abides forever.”
What are the three ingredients?

1.
2.
3.
Scripture tells us that it is important to continually examine our intentions and actions: “Let us search out
and examine our ways, and turn back to the Lord” (Lam. 3:40). b Self-Examination 1
Describe how you conduct your daily relationship with God in the areas of prayer, and the reading of His
Word and applying it? How would you describe the quality of your spiritual foundation?
WEEK 2: Day 2 | 53
4 Action Plan 1
After learning these principles, is confession and asking forgiveness needed? If so, use this space to write
out your prayer, and your commitment to start each day with Him.
Let’s look at the following areas and inspect the three ingredients that Jesus emphasized in Luke 6:46-
49.
Questions relevant to the first ingredient can be answered with “yes” or “no”. Have you agreed with God
concerning the gospel, that you are a sinner and that Christ died on the cross as payment for those sins,
that He was buried and rose again on the third day (1 Cor. 15:3-4)? Have you asked God to forgive your
sins, and invited Jesus into your heart, to be Lord and Savior of your life? This is the first essential step for
building a strong foundation. You cannot skip this one, because Christ is the foundation for our faith. If
this is still confusing, hopefully Romans 10:9-10 will help. (Look below, or in Appendix B: “Committing
Your Life To Christ” for further explanation).
Romans 10:9-10, “…if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your
heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one
believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.”
You also can pray:
Lord Jesus, I confess that I am a sinner and I am coming to You to be forgiven. I believe
that you paid the price for my sin by dying the cross, and that You were buried and rose
from the dead on the third day. Thank you for Your sacrifice, please come into my heart,
fill me with Your Holy Spirit and help me to be Your disciple. Thank You for forgiving me
and coming into my life. Thank You that I am now a child of God and that I am going to
heaven. Amen.
54 | WEEK 2: Day 2
The Importance of Prayer

After choosing to build your life on faith in Jesus Christ, the next two ingredients refer to “following”
Christ by establishing priorities. First, let’s consider the practice of prayer. Prayer is often considered an
attempt to enlist God’s power to alter circumstances, but God is more interested in having constant
mental communion with us. Prayer is a function of thought, but more than that, it is an open channel of
communication with God that involves both speaking and listening. God wants you to know that He is
available for all things at all times.
Philippians 4:6 says, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and
supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.”
God desires constant awareness of His presence and continuous communication, and He also wants you
to spend some quiet, private time with Him each day. In Psalm 5:3, David said, “My voice You shall hear
in the morning, O Lord; In the morning I will direct it to You, And I will look up.”
Prayer and study of the Bible are essential elements for growth in the Christian life. This time of study
and communication is often referred to as a “devotional”. To become truly engaged beyond the written
word requires an aspect of imagination called faith – to believe though we cannot see. In John 20:29,
Jesus said, “…because you have seen Me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and
yet have believed.”
In Matthew 6:9-13, often called “the Lord’s prayer,” Jesus Himself gives us an example of how He prayed
and reveals some basic aspects to be considered in prayer.
The following prayer is an example of simple, heartfelt communication inspired by elements of the Lord’s
Prayer, and can be used to begin your devotional time:
Lord Jesus, I thank and praise You for desiring to be close to me, for wanting to spend
time with me. I thank You for Your love and faithfulness, and praise You, the creator God
and sustainer of all things. I am asking for the grace to walk in obedience today, to love
my spouse and children, and to tend to them according to Your Word. Help me to forgive
anyone who hurts me today, and give me the grace to ask for forgiveness when I fail to
represent You. And Jesus, please open my heart to receive Your Word this morning. I’m
asking for understanding, to know You more, and for grace to be obedient. AMEN
It is important to begin your devotional time with prayer, perhaps one similar to this. You may be
tempted to use prepared prayers, but God’s greatest desire is to just talk with you. After all, He already
WEEK 2: Day 2 | 55
knows what is in your heart, and loves you in spite of what you have done. Romans 5:8 says, “…God
demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” As you spend
time each day with God, you will begin to feel comfortable in His love, and praying will become “talking
to Him” about everything.
4 Action Plan 2
Take a moment and write out a prayer to God, asking for help in developing an intimate, open prayer life
with Him. (And remember that it is only by faith in Christ that we are given access to the Father. In John
14:6, Jesus says, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.”)
Now, please read through this prayer that Paul offered for the Ephesians, make it personal by placing
yourself where the _________ (underline) appears (pronouns changed for effect.)
Ephesians 3:14-21, “For this reason I _________ (your name) bow my knees to the Father
of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that
He would grant me, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might
through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in my heart through faith; that I,
being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is
the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes
knowledge; that I may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do
exceedingly abundantly above all that I ask or think, according to the power that works in
me, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever.
Amen.”
Make a list of some specific requests, or praises, that Paul included in his prayer.
56 | WEEK 2: Day 2
Along with personalizing this prayer, you can also use it regularly to pray these things into the lives of
your spouse and children, and other loved ones, by inserting their names.
You have learned that God desires relationship, which requires that you believe the gospel and commit
your life to Jesus as Lord and Savior, and then choose to set aside time for prayer and Bible study. Living
the Christian life, sometimes referred to as “abiding in Christ,” involves listening to God through reading
and meditating on His Word. In Matthew 4:4, Jesus says, “…Man shall not live bread alone, but by every
word that proceeds from the mouth of God.” Perhaps your pastor is an extraordinary teacher, but living
for a week on a Sunday morning message alone will lead to being spiritually feeble.
Many Christians put “daily devotional” booklets, such as Daily Bread, in the bathroom, or beside the bed,
to grab a quick dose of spiritual energy. They pull it out, read a little, and think, OK, I did my thing. I got
into the Word today, praise the Lord. But a quick meal like this wears off soon, as does the memory of
what we read. In our culture, we have so many gadgets to help us “multi-task,” with our cell phones,
radios, TV, Kindles, etc., that often our time with God becomes just part of the daily mix. If we do not
actively pursue daily time alone with God, including focused study, meditation and prayer, then we may
fall into the “grab a quick bite” category, which surely will lead to poor spiritual health.

Study the following verses and write down what they say about the attitude we should have when
reading the Word and seeking wisdom from God.
Proverbs 18:15, “The heart of the prudent acquires knowledge, And the ear of the wise
seeks knowledge.”
WEEK 2: Day 2 | 57
Proverbs 23:23, “Buy the truth, and do not sell it, Also wisdom and instruction and
understanding.”
Colossians 1:10, “That you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful
in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God;”
To avoid the quick study, cultivate the habit of “meditating” on the Word of God. When people hear the
word meditation, many think of Hindu prayers, but meditation is a term used by the God of the Bible.
This is a way of conversing with God, without words. When we stop to meditate on what we are reading,
then we develop the skill of listening responsively in our thoughts to what God is saying. The Bible says
to “be still” before God; He will actually communicate with you.
FACT FILE
Meditate: In the Biblical world, meditation was not a silent practice. It meant to moan,
utter or growl muttering sounds, like reading half aloud or conversing with oneself,
interacting with the text so that it would soak into your mind. As a tea bag soaking in
water permeates the liquid, so meditating on Scriptures permeates our minds.
58 | WEEK 2: Day 2
Psalm 119:15, “I will meditate on Your precepts, And contemplate Your ways.”

What did God tell Joshua to do in this verse? Why was this so important to God, and to Joshua’s
success?
Joshua 1:8, “This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate
in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then
you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.”
Do you want to have good success in your marriage?  Yes  No
Read the following passage, summarize the meaning in your own words. How would taking this to heart,
living like this, affect your marriage?
Psalm 1:1-3, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands
in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful; but his delight is in the law of the
Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree, planted by the
rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither;
and whatever he does shall prosper.
WEEK 2: Day 3 | 59
WeeK 2: Day 3
God Wants Your affection
When children are young, dependence on mom and dad can make them uncomfortable or fearful when
left in another’s care. And when mom or dad returns, there is great affection and rejoicing. Over time, a
healthy parent-child relationship produces a deep and mutually delightful love. As children mature, they
are growing into independence and the excitement over parents cools; we may be given a greeting like
“Hi Mom,” “Hey Dad,” or maybe not much at all. During this time, the presence of parents is somewhat
taken for granted, and or is not acknowledged at all. Usually, time and maturity brings a deeper
awareness and thankfulness, and realization of the value of parental love.
Beware, because we can do the same thing with the Lord. When we first come to Christ, we cannot wait
to pray and get into the Word. When we read it, we feel God speaking right to our hearts. Oftentimes we
experience wonderful emotions, and even share our good news with friends and loved ones. Beware of
falling into that state of mind where the Word of God becomes secondary to other interests, time with
God is replaced by the business of life. Sometimes, like teenagers, we can even adopt the false
confidence of feeling like we know it all.
Over time, if we are not watchful, our attitude can become, “Yeah, yeah, studying Matthew again. Been
there, done that.” Sadly, we lose the attitude “Daddy’s here!” We cannot stay in this state of mind! Just
think: you have the blessed privilege of going into the Holy of Holies, with a God who wants you to call
Him “Daddy” (Romans 8:15 “…Abba, Father”), to hear Him whisper awesome truths and tell you how
wonderful and important you are to Him as you read and meditate on His Word! b Self-
Examination 2
When was the last time you sat quietly with the living God, excited for Him to speak to you?
After Jesus gave up his spirit on the cross, the first event recorded in the Bible was the ripping of the veil,
from top to bottom, which covered the entrance to a temple chamber called the Holy of Holies (Matt
60 | WEEK 2: Day 3
27:51). It meant that Christ’s sacrificial death had ended our separation from God. Before that, only the
high priest could enter there once a year bearing sacrificial animal blood. A great price was paid when
Christ offered His own blood for our deliverance. Hebrews 10:19 says, “Therefore, brethren, having
boldness to enter the Holiest by the blood of Jesus,” assuring us that Jesus’ death was not only to defeat
the power of sin, but to buy a way for the Father to have intimate fellowship with us. We must not
“neglect so great a salvation,” (Hebrews 2:3).
For those who have grown children, how blessed are we when they want to spend time with us? Do you
think God is any different? He loves it when you and I call “time out” and say, “Daddy, this is Your time,
mine and Yours, right now, and I’m not going to let anything get in the way. I’m going to protect this,
God.”
And it is interesting, and revealing, that when we make this commitment to set time aside for God,
distractions seem to come “out of the woodwork”. If not interruptions from family and phones, then
your mind floods with thoughts – a problem at work, the bills, your spouse, your kids, etc., etc. Many
times Satan sends those distractions because he knows that our firm foundation, the strength of our
faith, does not come from ourselves, or just desiring to be the best dad, mom, or spouse, but from our
relationship to Christ. Everything good grows out of this relationship.

Read 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, and write in your own words what this scripture says about the battle we are
in, and what we are supposed to do about it.
2 Corinthians 10:3-5, “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the
flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down
strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the
knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.”
WEEK 2: Day 3 | 61
When Jesus explained the parable of the sower to His disciples (Mark 4:13-20), He wanted them to know
about Satan’s strategy. How would this scripture relate to your time in the Word? What is the battle?
Mark 4:15, “And these are the ones by the wayside where the word is sown. When they hear,
Satan comes immediately and takes away the word that was sown in their hearts.”
When Paul wrote 2 Corinthians 11:3, he referred to Genesis 3:1-7, which describes how sin entered the
world when Eve listened to Satan’s lies. Paul’s fear was that Satan, in the same way, would corrupt (spoil,
subvert or destroy) the new believers’ minds from the simplicity (purity, sincerity, “singleness of
heart”),13 that they had in their relationship with Christ.
2 Corinthians 11:3, “But I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve by his crafiness,
so your minds may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.”
Eve was deceived (led into error) by Satan’s crafiness (cunning shrewdness), so that she believed a lie to
be the truth. Satan’s plan is always the same. b Self-Examination 3

Are there any lies you have believed regarding God’s desire to be in a close relationship with you?
What are some common thoughts that come when starting or doing your devotions? Write them out,
and ask for God’s help in combatting them.
13 Spiros Zodhiates, The Complete Word Study Dictionary : New Testament, electronic ed. (Chattanooga, TN: AMG
Publishers, 2000).
62 | WEEK 2: Day 3
Satan cannot be blamed for everything; sometimes we are at fault ourselves. As Jesus prayed in the
garden, agonizing because He faced going to the cross, His disciples slept when they should have been
praying with Him. Jesus warned them about the weakness of the flesh.
Matthew 26:41, “Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is
willing, but the flesh is weak.”
Jesus’ command is to “watch and pray”, and the result is for our good – that we are not overwhelmed by
temptation and our laziness. Praying is an essential discipline so we must fight the battle against such
thoughts as, I just don’t feel like it, I’m tired, don’t care, or there’s no time. Complacency must be
replaced by non-negotiable priorities in seeking the Lord.

Write out in your own words what these verses are instructing you to do.
1 Peter 5:8, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a
roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”
Ephesians 6:11, “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against
the wiles of the devil.” [emphasis added].
WEEK 2: Day 3 | 63
All your success, including the power to minister as a husband or wife, comes from a continuous
relationship with Christ. Mark 4:34 says, “. . . And when they were alone, He explained all things to His
disciples.” Spending time with Jesus in daily devotions and prayer will give us great insights and
understanding from Scripture, as well as the power and wisdom that we need for our marriages. God
loves each of us the same, and He longs to commune with us. There is no marriage book written that will
cover every situation you face. Remember, our greatest need is not just solutions to our problems, but
the internal transformation of the heart that only God can accomplish for us. That is why He wants you
to depend on Him each day, looking to His Word for understanding and guidance.

Read the following Scripture and notice the disciples’ attitude when they did not understand Jesus’
teaching. What did they do?
Matthew 13.36, “Then Jesus sent the multitude away and went into the house. And His
disciples came to Him, saying, ‘Explain to us the parable of the tares of the field’.”
Remember, God is always waiting for us to come to Him, wanting us to seek the wisdom we need to deal
with life. Knowing this, how can we be too busy to spend time with the living God? We need to keep this
continuously in mind, guarding against our tendencies to become independent, or take God’s goodness
to us for granted.
In 2 Timothy 2:15 (KJV), Paul writes: “Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth
not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the Word of truth.”
FACT FILE
Study: this word is an imperative verb, meaning it is a command to do and to continue to
do. The word denotes a zealous persistence, to be diligent, to make every effort to do
one’s best, to be eager and earnest in accomplishing a goal.
Rightly dividing: has the idea of cutting something straight as you would in carpentry, masonry or with
cutting a piece of cloth to be sewn together.
64 | WEEK 2: Day 3
By putting these three words together, God emphasizes the important of being diligent to spend time in
His Word, so we may cut it straight, or come to the right interpretation.
What grade would you give yourself in your daily devotional time? What do you think God means here by
the word “ashamed”?
4 Action Plan 3
Take a moment and meditate on this verse from Timothy. Write out a prayer to the Lord, asking for
specific help to follow His instructions.
What is the exhortation in this verse?
2 Peter 1:10, “Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election
sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble.”
WEEK 2: Day 3 | 65
Obedience Is action
The third ingredient necessary to build a strong foundation for life is obedience, or the decision to act
according to God’s truth and revealed will.
Luke 6:47-48, Jesus says, “whoever…hears My sayings and does them…He is like a man
building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when the flood
arose, the stream beat vehemently against that house, and could not shake it, for it was
founded on the rock.”
We need to treat the Bible as the words of GOD. In Old Testament times, the Jews considered the name
of God so sacred that they dared not to speak it. We need to realize how incredibly blessed we are that
God’s grace, shown by the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, has declared us innocent and given us access to
the Father in Heaven, and the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit as a teacher and guide. Your part is
to desire to do His will, and respond in thankfulness and obedience. If you treat the Word of God as
suggestions, then you may find yourself picking and choosing what best suits your will. This is not wise
and will not result in building a strong foundation.
Luke 14:33, “So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My
disciple.”
FACT FILE
The word “forsake,” means to deny. This verse is telling us to daily align our priorities to God’s
Word, which places His will over ours.
There were many who considered Jesus’ teaching too difficult to follow, so they turned and walked away
from God. There will be instructions in these lessons that may be different from the way you do things
currently. Some may seem hard, but remember that God’s grace will enable you to do His will. This is
truth, and our flesh does not like it, that we are dependent on God for wisdom and strength.
John 6:66-67, “From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no
more. Then Jesus said to the twelve, ‘Do you also want to go away?’”
4 Action Plan 4
Write out a commitment to God, to depend on Him for the grace and power to both desire and follow
His instructions as a husband or wife.
66 | WEEK 2: Day 3
God shares His heart regarding our priorities,
1 Timothy 3:1-13, “This is a faithful saying: If a man desires the position of a bishop, he
desires a good work. 2 A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife,
temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; 3 not given to wine,
not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous; 4 one who
rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence 5 (for if a
man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of
God?); 6 not a novice, lest being puffed up with pride he fall into the same condemnation
as the devil. 7 Moreover he must have a good testimony among those who are outside,
lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil. 8 Likewise deacons must be reverent,
not double-tongued, not given to much wine, not greedy for money, 9 holding the mystery
of the faith with a pure conscience. 10 But let these also first be tested; then let them
serve as deacons, being found blameless. 11 Likewise, their wives must be reverent, not
slanderers, temperate, faithful in all things. 12 Let deacons be the husbands of one wife,
ruling their children and their own houses well. 13 For those who have served well as
deacons obtain for themselves a good standing and great boldness in the faith, which is in
Christ Jesus.
This passage makes it clear that second to God, your home must have priority in your thoughts,
affections and actions; this is required to minister properly. Many homes are out of order; people are
more concerned about leisure, work, or even service in the church.
One author says concerning this passage:
“Paul indicated that the experience the leader gained in the home would develop
sensitive compassion for his role in the church. The verb “manage” appeared in v. 4. The
WEEK 2: Day 3 | 67
development of proper leadership skills in the home was a prerequisite for using them in the
church.14 b Self-Examination 4
A pastor must have his family in order, before qualifying in God’s eyes, so he can be a good example for
the congregation. If you encountered a pastor with obvious marriage and family problems, and observed
that he did not tend to his wife or children correctly, would you respect him and his leadership? Why?
Genesis 18:19, says: “For I have known him, in order that he may command his children
and his household afer him, that they keep the way of the Lord, to do righteousness and
justice, that the Lord may bring to Abraham what He has spoken to him.”
This is an excellent example of God’s attitude on family. God is telling Abraham, the husband and father,
that He has known him for a purpose, in order to instruct his family in the ways of the Lord. These are
priorities. Notice that God does not say, “you need to work all the time to bring in the cash” (although
we know if we do not provide for our family we have denied the faith, 1 Tim. 5:8); nor does He say “do
more ministry”, or “why don’t you mount that camel and head on down to Egypt to relax, take it easy”.
Even though work, ministry and leisure time are important, and even biblical, none are first priority. A
balance must be reached, but your priority relationship is with God first, and family next. b Self-
Examination 5
Consider your priorities in relation to God, spouse, children, work, church, leisure time, and fellowship.
Has God been first, then family, or…? Ask your spouse if they agree with your assessment. If you have
14 Thomas D. Lea and Hayne P. Griffin, vol. 34, 1, 2 Timothy, Titus, The New American Commentary (Nashville: Broadman &
Holman Publishers, 2001), 112.
68 | WEEK 2: Day 3
kids, ask them and they will give you a straight answer if you approach in a gentle, teachable manner. If
your priorities are out of balance, write a prayer of commitment to change. Be specific.

Read the following scripture and write down what it says about the biblical concepts of choosing, serving
and the family?
Joshua 24:15, “And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day
whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other
side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and
my house, we will serve the Lord.”
1 Kings 18:21, “And Elijah came to all the people, and said, ‘How long will you falter
between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him.’ But the
people answered him not a word.”
WEEK 2: Day 3 | 69
Matthew 6:24, “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love
the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God
and
mammon.”
Are you practicing Godly principles in your home? The fruit of the Holy Spirit is “. . . love, joy, peace,
patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…” (Gal. 5:22-23 NIV). Are these the
qualities that your spouse and children see growing in you and increasing in your home environment?
How would you evaluate yourself?
 Doing Great  Sometimes  Lots of room to grow
What is most important to you, other than your relationship with Christ? If anything else becomes more
important, you will suffer and so will your family. God blesses obedience. Disobedience, on the other
hand, interrupts God’s blessing because we are operating in the flesh, in rebellion, and are outside of
God’s will.
Do you see areas that need improvement? God gives us instructions, makes them clear enough to
understand, and asks for obedience. Remember, we have the Holy Spirit to make the Word alive in us, to
teach us, guide us and convict us when we are out of God’s will. We all need God’s power and grace
every single day. But we must never forget that God does not do by miracle what He has called us to do
by obedience.
What are the three ingredients for a Strong Foundation?

1.
2.
3.
70 | WEEK 2: Day 3
WeeK 2: Day 4
The Chief Cornerstone
The most significant aspect of building on a strong foundation is the selection of a proper chief
cornerstone. Let’s look at what scripture says about that in relation to Christ, and also our relationship to
Him:
Ephesians 2:19-20 says, “Now, therefore, you are no longer strangers and foreigners, but
fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, having been built on
the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief
cornerstone.”
1 Peter 2:6-8, “Therefore it is also contained in the Scripture, ‘Behold, I lay in Zion A chief
cornerstone, elect, precious, And he who believes on Him will by no means be put to
shame.’ Therefore, to you who believe, He is precious; but to those who are disobedient,
‘The stone which the builders rejected Has become the chief cornerstone,’ and ‘A stone of
stumbling And a rock of offense.’ They stumble, being disobedient to the word, to which
they also were appointed.”
It is important to notice that there is an order of spiritual progress presented in these verses: 1) accept
Jesus Christ, 2) abide in Him, and 3) obey. Most Christians become preoccupied with the third step.
Perhaps you have found your thoughts dwelling on, Oh, I’ve got to quit doing this; I have to do
something better; my life will never be pleasing to God. Fortunately, accomplishing the first two steps in
the strong foundation brings success for the third – we find ourselves with the power, grace and desire to
be obedient believers.
When people come in for counseling, struggling with sinful behaviors or even addictions, the first
question should be, “How is your abiding relationship with Christ?” The most common response is,
“What does that mean?” It means that our relationship with Christ is the connection that gives us the
power to obey. Our intimacy with God is what gives us the power, the grace for that day, to have victory
over sin. And He only gives us grace for the day. He does not give us grace for a week. We need to see
this connection and understand this spiritual principle.
Read John 15:4-5:

“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the
vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He
WEEK 2: Day 4 | 71
who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.”
[emphasis added]
Jesus is concentrating on the idea of abiding, as He uses the word four times.
fACT FILE
Abide: “To stay, remain, to continue in a place, to endure without yielding.”
When Jesus gave this instruction to His disciples, it was only a short time before He would go to the cross
and then on to be with the Father in Heaven. He wanted to make sure that His disciples knew that their
relationship with Him would continue, even after He was not physically there.

According to the following Scriptures, where are we to abide? What is the result?
John 8:31-32, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know
the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
John 15:7 “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire,
and it shall be done for you.”
Notice how the following scriptures relate to our abiding in Christ, dependence upon Him, and the
outcome.
2 Corinthians 3:5, “Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being
from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God.”
72 | WEEK 2: Day 4
2 Corinthians 4:16, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is
perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.”
Our devotional life is so like the foundation under a house. You cannot see it, but the strength of it will be
revealed as storms and natural disasters occur. We may be more concerned with, and spend most of our
time and money making the house look good, but a weak foundation can quickly bring all that time and
money to nothing. If we spend our time on mere image of success instead of growing in righteousness,
our home will be built on “sand” and will “fall”, just as Jesus predicted in Matthew 7. It is the foundation
that holds up the house, not the frills and attractive paint job.
In the following chapters, you will find biblical tools to have a godly marriage. However, if you skip this
spiritual principle, ignore your foundation, you will go right back to your old habits. The persistence and
practice of your relationship to God, in Christ, is the only foundation on which you can build successfully.
Rebellion and Choices

When you hear the word rebellion, what comes to mind? Teenagers? The word rebellion often is
associated with adolescents, however, rebellion means any resistance to authority.15 When you choose to
do things your own way, including setting priorities according to your desires instead of God’s instruction,
this is rebellion. So, choosing to not set aside time for an intimate relationship with the Lord is rebellion.
Developing intimacy and abiding in Christ are choices, and God clearly tells us in Scripture, “Do it.” He
said it to the Israelites before they went into the Promised Land: “Love God with all your heart, mind,
body and soul” (Deut. 6:1-6). We spend time with the people we love, and we must choose every day to
love God by spending time getting know Him better, searching the Bible for spiritual truth, and then, by
His grace, building it into our lives through prayer and obedience.
The erosion of our spiritual foundation, our connection to God, begins with neglecting our devotional life
and usually leads to the following:
1. We stop giving of ourselves and start asking, “What about me, my feelings and my
needs?”
2. We begin to wallow in self-pity and exhibit conditional, rather than unconditional, love.
3. We stop hungering (seeking) for holiness.
4. We begin to justify our sinful attitudes, behavior and selfishness toward our spouse and
others.
5. We start blaming others for our misery, sinful attitudes and behaviors.
15 Webster’s New International Dictionary of the English Language; Second Edition Unabridged; G & C Merriam Company,
Publishers, Springfield, MA 1944
WEEK 2: Day 4 | 73
Are you exhibiting any of these types of thoughts, or behaviors? If so, write down which ones. Confess to
the Lord and ask His forgiveness. Remember, 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and
just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
How can we combat our natural tendency towards neglect, which leads to apathy and sin? The answer is
that we must train ourselves. In 1 Corinthians 9:27, Paul the Apostle wrote, “I discipline my body and
bring it into subjection.” He understood that he needed to work, that he needed to train his own body to
make it do what it normally did not want to do. Paul often used athletic metaphors to make his point;
“discipline” is a boxing term.
FACT FILE
Discipline: Hupopiazo (Greek), was used to describe boxers giving knockout blows;
punches to the part of the face right under the eyes, until they were black and blue.
(Related passages: 1 Timothy 4:7-8; Jude 3; 2 Peter 1:5-6.)
What are your first thoughts in the morning? When you are lying in bed, when you become conscious,
what is your first thought? Train yourself this way: first thing in the morning, focus your mind on Christ
and remember or acknowledge to yourself and God how much you need His strength to battle your
natural sinful desires. The great thing is that God already knows your struggles. And remember, when
you were still a sinner, Christ died for you. Now, in Christ, God can get through to you with, “Here I am; I
want to bless you, I love you.”
74 | WEEK 2: Day 4

What do the following scriptures teach us about the Psalmist’s thoughts in the morning? What was he
doing? How can you remind yourself to think of God first thing, before you get out of bed?
Psalm 5:3, “My voice You shall hear in the morning, O Lord; In the morning I will direct it
to You, And I will look up.”
Psalm 119:147, “I rise before the dawning of the morning, And cry for help; I hope in Your
word.”
God knows everything; He knows how weak and foolish we can be and all the “junk” that we had inside
when He adopted us as His children. He knew, and chose us anyway! He is not here to condemn us, but
He desires to bless us. We must train our minds. When you wake up, let your first thoughts be, “God
here I am. Thank you that I am one of Yours! I know there are so many areas in my life that need
improvement; God, I need Your strength!” The Lord is longing to hear you say that every day.
Train yourself to put your mind upon Jesus in the first moments of the morning; not on your bills, your
spouse, your kids, or your job, no matter how pressing those things may seem. Pray, asking Him for His
grace to love your family and to walk in His will. Now, this is before you begin any activities of the day.
“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap” (Gal. 6:7). If we
put God first, before all things, we will reap all the promises waiting for us in Him.
So, you set your mind on God first, then have your devotional time, but you also must return to Him in
thought during the day. We must depend on God and obey when we face difficulties, including problems
in our marriages.
Notice in this verse how God tells us to align our thoughts.
WEEK 2: Day 4 | 75
Colossians 3:1-2 “If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above,
where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on
things on the earth” [emphasis added].
FACT FILE
Seek and set your mind: Imperative verbs, indicating the action is a continual process.
“Seek” means to look for and strive to find. “Set your mind” refers to the will, affections
and conscience.
How can this practice help when you experience a problem in your marriage?
4 Action Plan 5
Write a prayer, ask God to quicken your mind, teach you how to seek Him and set your thoughts on
things above.
76 | WEEK 2: Day 4
Our Sovereign God

As God’s children and His ministers, we must always remember that God is in control, and that He has a
purpose in the trials we face. Psalm 139:1-18, tells us our days are predestined, every one of them. They
were written in His book before time was created, before the earth even existed.
The Bible says, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared
beforehand that we should walk in them” (Eph. 2:10). We can take comfort in the knowledge that in
every situation, God has already been there. He knows all things; He is never surprised. So when you get
up Saturday morning to find your spouse doing something that really irritates you, or that your three-
year-old has spilled orange juice and cereal all over the floor and is making a little goulash, you can
calmly think, OK, God, You were already here. What is this about? When your spouse says something
hurtful to you or forgets to do something they committed to do. OK, God, You have been here already.
You knew this was going to happen to me. You said that in all situations You have prepared me for good
works. We can learn to glorify Christ in all our circumstances!
Here is a catchy motto that you can write down, and use as a guide for developing a good attitude:
If I put my eyes on others, I get stressed. If I put my eyes on myself, I get depressed. If I put
my eyes on Jesus, I get blessed.
Post that on your refrigerator, or on your mirror, so you see it each morning to remind you Jesus has
been here. Or better yet, memorize it!

According to this verse, what is God doing behind the scenes? Who do we have to trust?
Ephesians 1:11, “In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined
according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will.”
WEEK 2: Day 4 | 77
Read the following Scriptures and write out what they reveal about God’s nature.
Deuteronomy 29:29, “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but those things which are
revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.”
Isaiah 14:24, “The Lord of hosts has sworn, saying, ‘Surely, as I have thought, so it shall come to
pass, And as I have purposed, so it shall stand:…’”
Isaiah 25:1, “O Lord, You are my God. I will exalt You, I will praise Your name, For You have done
wonderful things; Your counsels of old are faithfulness and truth.”
Proverbs 19:21, “There are many plans in a man’s heart, Nevertheless the Lord’s counsel— that
will stand.”
2 Timothy 1:9, “…who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works,
but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time
began,…”
78 | WEEK 2: Day 4
WEEK 2: Day 4 | 79
WeeK 2: Day 5
Your amazing Transformation
Again, our primary goal as believers, and as spouses, is to be transformed into the image of Christ and
doing His will. Simply put, to become more and more like Him in thought and action. God has a plan and
purpose in the trials that you face, using them to reveal areas where we need to be transformed.

Read the following scriptures and write out the positive consequences.
James 1:2-4, “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that
the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that
you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”
1 John 2:5, “But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this
we know that we are in Him.”
An illustration of this transforming process can be found in Matthew 14:22-31. Jesus had been
ministering to people. He fed thousands, healed and preached, and at the end of the day was exhausted.
He walked down to the Sea of Galilee and told the apostles, “Get in the boat, go to the other side; I’ll
meet you over there.” So the apostles jumped in the boat and began to sail across, while Jesus remained
behind to pray.
22 “Immediately Jesus made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other
side, while He sent the multitudes away. 23 And when He had sent the multitudes away,
80 | WEEK 2: Day 5
He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray. Now when evening came, He was alone
there. 24 But the boat was now in the middle of the sea, tossed by the waves, for the wind
was contrary. 25 Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the
sea. 26 And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, ‘It
is a ghost!’ And they cried out for fear. 27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying,
‘Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.’ 28 And Peter answered Him and said, ‘Lord, if it
is You, command me to come to You on the water.’ 29 So He said, ‘Come.’ And when Peter
had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30 But when he
saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out,
saying, ‘Lord, save me!’ 31 And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him,
and said to him, ‘O you of little faith, why did you doubt?’”
When they were halfway across the sea, a storm came up. But Jesus had sent His disciples out into that
storm, knowing full well it was coming. He purposefully put them out there, just like He often does to us.
Seeing Jesus walking on water, Peter cried heroically, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on
the water.” At Jesus invitation to “come,” Peter began to walk on the water! When he took his eyes off
Jesus and put them on the storm, he began to sink. When Peter cried “Lord, save me,” the Word says
that Jesus “immediately” extended his hand and caught him.
When Jesus asked Peter to step out of the boat, it is important to recognize He was focusing on Peter’s
faith. Peter had the opportunity to keep his eyes on Christ, trusting He had the situation in control and
could enable him to do something not possible on his own. When his faith wavered and he began to sink,
Peter learned about the Lord’s faithfulness and the importance of keeping his eyes on Him. Some 30
years later, when Peter wrote the following words, you can see the transformation in his perspective.
1 Peter 1:6-7, “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you
have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more
precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor,
and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”
FACT FILE
The word “genuineness”, dokimion (Greek), means something that has been tested and
approved. It was used to describe metals that had been through a process to remove all
impurities.
Peter is encouraging the church, assuring them that trials are necessary to develop sincere, pure faith. If
you see trails this way, and cooperate with God, you will be able to rejoice.
WEEK 2: Day 5 | 81

Look up the following scriptures and write down what they say about trials, testing, and how God works
in the midst of them.
Psalm 17:3, “You have tested my heart; You have visited me in the night; You have tried
me and have found nothing; I have purposed that my mouth shall not transgress.”
Psalm 66:10, “ For You, O God, have tested us; You have refined us as silver is refined.”
Proverbs 17:3, “The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, But the Lord tests
the hearts.”
James 1:3–4, “…knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience
have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”
As husbands or wives in crisis, we often take our eyes off of Christ and His promises, put them on
circumstances, and become overwhelmed. So often, turning to Jesus is our last move. We need to
82 | WEEK 2: Day 5
remember that God is waiting to prove Himself faithful, and more powerful than our circumstances! We
must keep our hope fixed upon Him (Heb. 12:2), and remember that He sends us into storms because He
has a plan. (Eph. 1:11).
Just as Christ showed power over nature when He walked on water, healed and raised a man from death,
our greatest fear, so God wants to perform miracles for you as you love and tend to your spouse. We
need to live each day seeking to please God alone, keeping our eyes on Him in the midst of storms and
difficulties. Sadly, because we do not develop intimacy with Christ, peace disappears. We become
agitated, angered, and lose our joy and strength when the going gets tough. Peter wrote, “Yet if anyone
suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter.” (1 Pet. 4:16). No
one enjoys suffering, but for husbands and wives it will be part of our relationship. Rather than think,
“God, why is this happening to me?” turn your thoughts to, “God, what are You revealing in me through
this circumstance?” b Self-Examination 7

Over the next seven days, write down all aspects of your marriage that qualify as trials. This is a
beginning list of areas that God desires to transform in you. Many marriage and parenting problems stem
from not viewing trials God’s way. Also, write out what was revealed to be in you – anger, impatience,
etc. – attitudes that you believe fall short of God’s nature. I encourage you to start taking responsibility
for those failures by asking for forgiveness from God, spouse and kids.
WEEK 2: Day 5 | 83
Suffering is part of God’s plan, and can lead to inner transformation and His glorification. Our struggles
come from three sources: the world, the flesh and the Devil. Yes, God even allows Satan the freedom to
trouble us at times, as He did with Job, (chapters 1-2). If you are not daily depending on God’s strength
(Ps. 88:9), and seeking His wisdom in every situation (James 1:5), the temptation is to trust in yourself.
Moving away from God gives strength to our sin nature (Gal. 5:16). Fleshly reactions and attitudes are
not a reflection of God’s nature (Gal. 5:19-26), and these most often trouble us when we are out of
fellowship (Heb.
10:24-25), or when we reject the fact that God uses our spouse to transform us spiritually.

Read the following and write out how this verse should change your attitude toward non-glorifying and
sinful behavior.
1 Corinthians 10:13, “For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin), [no matter
how it comes or where it leads] has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not
common to man [that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human
resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and
such as man can bear]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature],
and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your
ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will
[always] also provide the way out (the means of escape to a landing place), that you may
be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently.” — (Amplified Bible)
84 | WEEK 2: Day 5
It is true that in Christ no trial is beyond our ability to be victorious, but God is not saying that you and I
must be perfect. All of us will fail at times. But you must accept responsibility for your actions and ask
God for help. In this way you cooperate with God to change, grow, and mature in Christ. The moment
that you and I accept Jesus Christ as Savior, the journey of transformation begins. We will travel this road
until we die. There will never be a time when we can think, OK, I’m done, until we are with Him in
Heaven (Rom.
8:22-23; 1 John 3:2-3).
Read this as your prayer to God, asking Him to do this work in you.
Hebrews 13:20-21, “Now may the God of peace who brought up our Lord Jesus from the
dead, that great Shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant,
make you complete in every good work to do His will, working in you what is well pleasing
in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.”
After meditating on this Scripture and praying, what principles do you see that relate to your
transformation? How can these also relate to your marriage?
laborers Together
In the first verse of Psalm 127, the author wrote, “Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain
who build it; unless the LORD guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.” God so wants to
protect our families. Can you see from this passage that you and God are to be working together, with
Him in the lead position? He wants to intercede, showing Himself both faithful and powerful, but you
must first allow Him to be the Lord over your family.
God’s Word tells us that He blesses obedience (Josh. 1:8; Ps. 18:20-21). When we are disobedient in the
areas of intimacy and relationship with Christ, will God be able to intercede on our behalf (John 9:31;
WEEK 2: Day 5 | 85
Heb. 11:6)? He is faithful, but we need to do our part (Phil. 2:12-13). In order for you to glorify God, you
must stay connected to Him each day. It is then that you will experience transformation, and stand on a
solid foundation. Remember, God will not do by miracle what He has called you to do by obedience.
As husband and wife, ministers of Christ, the mainspring for service is not love for your spouse, or from
your spouse, but your love for Jesus Christ. Looking to one’s spouse alone for support will bring pain and
discouragement. Our true reward comes from personal obedience to the instructions of God. Husbands
and wives have been known to complain that often they receive less gratitude from their spouse than
they do from the family house pet. If love and service toward God is the motivation for your efforts, no
ingratitude or outcome will hinder you from serving your spouse and fulfilling His will and wishes. Christ
Himself came to earth with one desire – to serve and please His Father in Heaven. Matthew 20:28 says,
“… just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for
many.”
Do you have any personal thoughts on this?
Clever methods are not the key to accomplishing God’s purposes; the key is your relationship with Him.
God will foil the best of man’s plans if He is left out of them. The tools we will cover in the remainder of
this book will be extremely useful in helping your marriage. Remember: tools are the means, but the
meaning comes from commitment to God and fulfilling His will and plan. The primary tools are study of
His Word and prayer; we will be blessed with God’s wisdom and direction as we seek His face continually.
The integrity of the foundation on which we build our family as we minister to our spouses is directly
related to the strength of our relationship with Jesus Christ. Through daily prayer, Bible study, and a
desire to obey, we are working with God as He purifies and changes us, enabling us to become godly
husbands and wives. We must be disciplined, devoted, and as always, God has a glorious promise waiting
for us.
2 Peter 1:1-4, “To those who have obtained like precious faith with us by the
righteousness of our God and Savior Jesus Christ: grace and peace be multiplied to you in
the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, as His divine power has given to us all things
that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory
86 | WEEK 2: Day 5
and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that
through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption
that is in the world through lust.”
WEEK 2: Day 5 | 87
If you could get up every morning and take a pill for peace, knowledge, divine power, and wisdom for every
situation of the day, would you do it? Clearly, that is what God promises to us if we will simply seek Him
first and keep seeking Him throughout the day.

Find God’s promises in the following verses and write them below.
Luke 11:9-13, “So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be
opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be
opened. If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a
fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you
then, being evil, know how to give good gifs to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father
give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!”
To help you better understand this all-important truth—when Jesus Christ died on the cross, He made a
deposit of grace, knowledge wisdom and power in each one of our names (Eph. 1:3). But you can only
make a withdrawal from your account if you use His name, and He only gives His name to those who
receive and trust Him. How often have you gone to the bank lately? Have your efforts to have a devotional
life, to be alone with the Lord for even a few minutes, ended in distraction? Never let failure turn you away
from your Lord. Ask for His help and keep at it. Don’t be robbed by discouragement, or let your account go
dormant due to lack of use.
Keep building!
If God reveals that your relationship with Him has become weak, or stale, the first thing to do is ask
forgiveness (1 John 1:9), saying “I’m sorry. I forgot. I’ve lost my first love. I’ve allowed life’s duties, desires
and troubles to turn me from the very reason that I exist – to have fellowship with You.”
Then commit to begin anew. Start with fifteen minutes; tell yourself you are going to read one chapter, or
read until He speaks to you. Start first with prayer, putting yourself in His presence, praising Him, with the
88 | WEEK 2: Day 5
expectation that God is going to reveal Himself to you. When you are finished, meditate on what you have
read.
Finally, get a journal. Keeping a record of your devotional time is telling yourself and the Lord, I’m
expecting You to say something to me today. This is very important. Wait upon the Lord and whatever He
gives you, write it down and date it. He may give you some direction or a prayer, or simply remind you of
His promises.
Keeping a journal enables us to go back and see what God has already done, what He has shown us, and
renew our strength for a present trial. Sometimes I go back through my journal and, often, am brought to
tears because of the things written there when God spoke to me about my life, my wife, my kids, and for
the ministry.
Intimacy is a process. Begin with fifteen minutes daily, and it will grow. You will learn how to abide in
Christ, pray without ceasing, and be in fellowship with Him throughout the day. On this strong foundation
you will be able to build a solid family. See back of book for more devotional instructions; see Appendix C:
“How to
Develop Intimacy with God Through Daily Devotions.”
WEEK 2: Day 5 | 89
Week 3: Our Greatest
Companionship Need
WeeK 3: Day 1
Introduction
What is the greatest companionship need of a husband, or a wife? We all know that men and women are
uniquely different, both physically and emotionally, but can we all agree that everyone needs love? Our
greatest companionship need, what men and women really need from each other, is love. With this being
true, and our need so obvious, why do we often refuse to give and receive love? So many relationships fail,
so many marriages end in divorce. God’s Word has answers, offers solutions for this dilemma. In fact, God
has much to say about this frustrating and wonderful human condition of needing to experience love.
Many believe that a relationship is doomed because the love they once felt, or are seeking, has dimmed or
seems to be gone. Believing that this feeling is the key to fulfillment, they decide that something is wrong
and cannot be fixed. This is verified by the current divorce rate. Through years of counseling married
couples, I have learned that these same people are unwittingly destroying their relationships with negative
behaviors and attitudes, habitual ways of treating one another, which are very unloving. The opposite of
love is hate. When a person does the opposite of what God’s Word teaches us about love, even Christians
with 10, 15, or 20 years in the Lord, the result is hate and failure. The common factor in all this confusion is
our universal desire to experience the love that we all believe is possible, even necessary. Much of our
failure is due to ignorance, not having been informed or taught about the biblical principles of love, and
how to live out that love within a marriage.
This study is based completely on God’s Word, on the belief that God is the creator of marriage and is the
source of all the information, power and grace that we need to succeed. So let’s start this study with a
prayer to Him for open hearts and minds.
Father, thank You for Your Word, full of wisdom and guidance, that teaches us how to treat
one another and makes it so clear what love is and is not. I pray that Your Spirit would show
us where we have not been loving. Give us humble hearts, willing to receive Your
instruction, and to take responsibility for changing wrong attitudes and disobedient ways.
90 | WEEK 3: Day 1
God, we want our marriages to bring honor and glory to You, so that is our prayer. We ask
these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.
WEEK 2: Day 5 | 91
The Importance of biblical love

As we look at the subject of biblical love, Jesus gives us insight into what He expected of His disciples,
which still applies to us today. Notice that He is not making a suggestion, but a command.
John 13:34-35, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have
loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you
have love for one another.” b Self-Examination 1

“Love one another.” According to verse 35, how does the fulfillment of Jesus’ command relate to your
relationship with Him? How would you place your spouse in this verse?
God does not expect us to achieve this love without His help. In the following verses, notice the
connection between God’s Word and the working of the Holy Spirit in our lives.
1 Peter 1:22-23, “Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit
in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart, having been
born again, not of corruptible seed but incorruptible, through the word of God which lives
and abides forever” [emphasis added].
In this instance, the word sincere means without hypocrisy. This sincere love is made possible only by
abiding in Christ, (as discussed last week) and by our personal desire to obey the truth through the
power of the Holy Spirit who dwells in every believer. In a previous study, we learned that 2 Peter 1:3
92 | WEEK 3: Day 1
WeeK 3: OUR GReaTeST COMPaNIONSHIP NeeD
says of Jesus, “His divine power has given us knowledge of all things…through the knowledge of Him.”
And that knowledge of all things, and of Christ, only comes from God’s Word.

Read the following Scriptures and describe the 4 ways God is telling us to love others, including your
spouse.
Romans 12:9, “Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.”
1 Peter 4:8, “And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a
multitude of sins.”
Hebrews 6:10, “For God is not unjust to forget your work and labor of love which you have
shown toward His name, in that you have ministered to the saints, and do minister.”
1 John 4:7, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is
born of God and kno ws God.”
WEEK 3: Day 1 | 93
What is biblical love?

Biblical love is not based on feelings, nor does it come naturally. We are naturally selfish and self-
centered. Biblical love is an action, based on choice. This type of love is supernatural and can only come
from a heart that is yielded to God, because it comes from Him. So it follows that in order to truly and
sincerely love your spouse, you must first love God and yield your heart to Him! In our culture today, the
word love is tossed around so much that the meaning has been cheapened. We use the same word to
describe how we feel about God, our children, and certain foods! Most husbands and wives will eagerly
testify that they love their spouses. But the only standard by which we can measure real love is the Word
of God.
The following two words translate to love from the Greek into the English Bible:
Fact File
Agape – The response of God’s heart toward unworthy sinners. Agape is God’s love
demonstrated in self-sacrifice for the benefit of the objects of His love. “God’s essential
quality that seeks the best interests of others regardless of the others’ actions.” 16 “It
involves God doing what He knows is best for man and not necessarily what man
desires…His Son to bring forgiveness to man.”17 It is choosing to love.
Phileo – The response of the human spirit to what appeals to it as pleasurable. “Phileo
seems to be clearly distinct (from agape) and speaks of esteem, high regard, and tender
affection and is more emotional.”18 Phileo is friendship love, determined by the pleasure
that one receives from the object of that love. Phileo is conditional love.
We have this agape love because “…the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit
who was given to us.” (Rom. 5:5).
16 Richard L. Pratt, Jr, vol. 7, I & II Corinthians, Holman New Testament Commentary; Holman Reference (Nashville, TN:
Broadman & Holman Publishers, 2000), 447.
17 Spiros Zodhiates, The Complete Word Study Dictionary : New Testament, (Chattanooga, TN: AMG Publishers, 2000), 66.
18 J.D. Watson, A Word for the Day (Chattanooga, TN: AMG Pub, 2006), 21.
94 | WEEK 3: Day 1
God has called us to love our spouses with agape love; a sacrificial love that is not withdrawn if the one
loved fails to live up to demands or expectations. Agape love is based on the value God has placed upon
your spouse, rather than your assessment of personality, strengths, weaknesses, or failures.
By now, you have likely come to the realization that it is impossible in your own strength to love with
God’s love! But praise God, when we receive Christ, the Holy Spirit comes to live in our hearts. If we
yield (die to self-will), the Holy Spirit will love our spouses through us! Because Biblical love is not based
on feelings, or emotions, it is something that you do (a verb, not a noun) and can only be identified by
seeing it in action.
Therefore, it is essential that we learn to show God’s love to our spouses. Good news, if our foundation
of intimacy with Jesus Christ is properly laid, then we are capable, in God’s strength, of building the
“supports of love” that our spouses need. Setbacks and failures are sure, but do not become discouraged
and begin to excuse or accept unloving behavior. The important factor is our desire to improve We can all
start improving in sharing love, and that point comes when we realize that loving our spouses comes
from a heart surrendered to God. This is a behavior that we have to choose, seek, learn and continue.
Every husband and wife is giving love to some extent, but hopefully you are realizing the fragile balance
that exists here, that love can be extinguished when troubles are handled improperly. What we want is
an ever-strengthening love, what we need to pursue is excellence in love.
Paul knew that the people in Philippi loved each other, but he encouraged them to press on further:
Philippians 1:9-11, “And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in
knowledge and all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that
you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, being filled with the fruits of
righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.”
Notice that Paul did not pray for them to feel like loving, but his words are a call to action that we can use
in our own prayers. The following points will give you deeper understanding of what God is saying.
1. “That your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all
discernment” (v 10). To abound means to have excess, more than enough love.
Knowledge, epignosis (Greek), means to know something intellectually, but then
act upon it. The prayer is to know how to love biblically and then live it out.
Discernment means to have insight, or the capacity to understand, and make your
decisions, guide your behavior, according to that knowledge.
2. “That you may approve the things that are excellent” (v 11). Approve means to
continually put to the test, examine prior to the approval of your action. In other
WEEK 3: Day 1 | 95
words, meet the qualification of being excellent agape, or love that meets the
standard of God’s Word, which will then be a sincere love.
Our prayer is that God would fulfill this in you as you study His Word. Here is a helpful idea, perhaps a
new one. Use the above passage of Scripture to write out a personal prayer on a 3x5 card and ask God to
make it true in your life. For the next few weeks, use the prayer card to begin your study time. For
example:
“Lord Jesus, I am asking for this love to flow through me at all times. I want to overflow
with Your love in all the situations I face each day. Lord, help me to never make an excuse
for an unloving thought, word, or deed toward my spouse. Please give me Your
discernment on how to share this love continuously in my marriage. Jesus, please be
glorified in all I do in front of and to my spouse. Amen.

Read the following Scriptures and explain how these could apply to you, and also the relationship with
your spouse.
Colossians 1:9, “For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for
you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and
spiritual understanding.”
Romans 12:2, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the
will of God.”
Ephesians 5:10, “finding out what is acceptable to the Lord.”
96 | WEEK 3: Day 1
The Most Powerful Motivator

There are basic needs that motivate us as humans; love is number one, the most powerful motivator.
Next are physical essentials like food, warmth and safety. Another motivator is pleasure; physical
satisfaction, recreation, possessions, getting things that we desire. Pain and fear can also motivate us,
typified by punishment, anger, or unkindness.
Now, as husbands and wives, let us examine the techniques we use to motivate our spouses. How do you
behave when you are trying to motivate your spouse to change in some way, or motivate them to do
what you want, or to stop doing something that irritates you? b Self-Examination 2
From the following choices, circle the motivator you use the most.
1. Love 2. Physical essentials 3. Pleasure 4. Pain/unkindness
Write out some person reflections, examples:
WEEK 3: Day 1 | 97
It is very important to take time to think, and consider the patterns you have developed within your
marriage. For example, some married couples do not even realize that they are creating an environment
of pain and fear by using anger, sarcasm, nagging, ignoring, or withholding physical affection. God’s word
tells us this happens because we have a sin nature, and this behavior comes naturally to us as humans.
But God offers us another way. When you receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, His Holy Spirit comes to
dwell within you. Only then do you have the power to resist acting from your sin nature, or what God
calls “the flesh”. The Bible says the Spirit is our teacher, guide, and brings sin to our attention. By yielding
to God’s Spirit, we can follow the instructions that He gives us about love. As a counselor, all too often I
see couples treating one another according to what comes naturally, and not according to the Word of
God.
What motivated Jesus to come and die for us? John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave
His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” It was
love that motivated Jesus to come and die on the cross for us, not the fear of His Father. By this, we see
that love is God’s primary motive and motivator to get us to change.

What do the following verses say about demonstrating love? How can you apply this to loving your
spouse?
Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still
sinners, Christ died for us.”
2 Corinthians 12:15, “And I will very gladly spend and be spent for your souls; though the
more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved.”
98 | WEEK 3: Day 1
1 John 4:7, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is
born of God and knows God.”
Change is Needed!
Can we all agree that there are some attitudes and behaviors that need changing? By now, each of us
should have seen into ourselves, realized our faults; marriage is guaranteed to show us our sin nature.
How long after the wedding did you realize that your new, lifelong partner was sometimes not lovable, or
even likable? Did you even consider that they were building a similar attitude toward you? At that point,
couples are beginning to experience one of God’s purposes for marriage: to transform each individual
into the image of Christ, which means to develop His attitudes and character. You may want to change
your spouse, but God wants to change you, and He will use that other person to show you who you
really are. If you remember in Week 1, we listed God’s second purpose for marriage as our
transformation.
When we allow God’s Holy Spirit to work within us by being obedient to biblical instruction, we are
showing love for both God and our spouse. For example, Colossians 3:8 says, “But now you yourselves
are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language, out of your mouth.” These are
the opposite of love, and to “put off” means to purposely stop doing something. Instead, we are to be
led by the Spirit of God who gives us a repentant attitude: “God, I know this is wrong and I am not going
to do it, I am going to turn away and do what is right before You.”
love: Reaction or Response?

How do we learn to “put off” the types of bad communication that God has listed in Colossians? One way
is to distinguish between reacting in anger, which is a response of our flesh, and responding in love,
which is according to the Holy Spirit.
Reacting in the Flesh
Fact File
WEEK 3: Day 1 | 99
React: The dictionary defines the word react in the following way: “to act in response to a
stimulant or to stimulus, to act in opposition.”19
So, to react is not a purposeful or proactive state of mind, and can surely turn out to be a negative action.
We can take that further by saying that loving someone will not be of great quality if we are merely
reacting to that person.
Reacting in the Flesh can be defined as a Christian reacting to a situation in a sinful

manner, in the habit of their old fallen nature, or reacting in their own strength and
understanding rather than the power and wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
There is a difference between married Christians and a Christian marriage; too often Christian couples
are reacting to one another “in the flesh”, or sinfully, and neither person will take responsibility for their
own behavior. Have you ever thought, “I said that, or did that because of what they did first”? Find that
in the Bible? We cannot blame someone for what we do, or what we don’t do. This is disobedience to
God and there are consequences for that.
As Christian husbands and wives, as ministers, reacting in a negative way is sin and a misrepresentation
of God. You should not be negatively reacting to your spouse in any circumstance. Reacting takes no
thought, is a “no-brainer.” In other words, whatever comes to mind, we simply go with it. Reacting is
from our sin nature, or flesh, and is not a demonstration of self-control, which is included in the fruit of
the Spirit (Gal. 5:22). When your spouse does something you don’t like, you can react in the wrong way
with the first thing that comes to mind, which is often shouting harsh words, using disgusted or
frightening facial expressions. Other tactics are silence, rejection, withholding sex, and alienation. The list
of sinful and fleshly reactionary expressions toward our spouses can get pretty lengthy. In addition, when
we do not deal properly with that damage, infection (sin) sets in and brings bitterness, then resentment,
and we can drive our spouses further and further away.
Something else to note is that reacting to circumstances with a burst of emotion takes no time or effort,
it is instantaneous. Proverbs 15:1 tells us, “. . . a harsh word stirs up anger.” As stated above, the Bible
also tells us that we are to eliminate, or “put off” harsh actions (Col. 3:8). We are to accept this truth and
make a conscious decision to stop every sinful reaction towards our spouses.

From the following scriptures, write down each negative attitude or emotion and link it to the outcome.
If any of these are in your life, write down where you need to change.
19 Webster’s New International Dictionary of the English Language; Second Edition Unabridged; G & C Merriam Company,
Publishers, Springfield, MA 1944
100 | WEEK 3: Day 1

Psalm 37:8, “Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret—it only causes harm.”
Ephesians 4:22, “…that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which
grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts.”
James 1:20, “…for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”
Proverbs 20:3, “It is honorable for a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel.”
Proverbs 27:3, “A stone is heavy and sand is weighty, but a fool’s wrath is heavier than
both of them.”
WEEK 3: Day 1 | 101

4 Action Plan 1
Write out a commitment to the Lord and your spouse to pray each day for the strength to ask for
forgiveness whenever you say or do something unloving. Use it to develop a prayer, write it on a 3x5 card
and put it on your bathroom mirror as a reminder.
Remember to let your spouse read this, or write it out and give it to them.
102 | WEEK 3: Day 1

WeeK 3: Day 2
Responding in Love
Fact File
Respond: According to the dictionary, when we respond to someone, we “react positively or
favorably.”20
When we are responsive, the Thesaurus tells us that we are being acceptant, persuadable, or behaving in
a positive way, which is the opposite of reacting.
Responding in love: For a Christian, this means responding to a situation with the inward
guidance, love, wisdom and power of the Holy Spirit.
Responding takes thought; we have to use our mind and will. Scripture commands that we are to be “. . .
bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5). Responding also takes self-
control. We must bring our will under subjection to the power of God, which allows the fruit of the Holy
Spirit to blossom. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Gal. 5:22-23). In addition, Scripture tells us we must add self-
control to our foundation of faith:
2 Peter 1:5-7, “But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to
virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance
godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love.”
Finally, learning to respond rather than react takes time. Unlearning bad behavior requires first that the
mind accept the new information, then that the will to change is stronger than the former bad attitudes
and reactions. Failure is an opportunity to confess, repent and ask forgiveness. During this growth
process, you may discover that taking some time by walking away from a hot situation is helpful. When
those old feelings start to well up, excuse yourself to pray, asking God for wisdom and the strength to
handle the situation in a way that honors Him and lovingly encourages your spouse.
The Word of God instructs us to respond to each other in a loving way, demonstrating unconditional
love. Proverbs 15:28 says, “The heart of the righteous studies how to answer.” That means looking to the
Word of God for what is right, resulting in the right behavior.
20 Webster’s II New Riverside Dictionary Revised Edition, Office Edition, Houghton Mifflin Company, 1996
WEEK 3: Day 2 | 103

The Word of God is truth and serves as the only valid basis for self-evaluation. As disciples of Christ, we
do not rely on how our parents or anyone else did it, but we look to the Word of God and ask: “God,
what is the behavior that you desire? What is the truth?” James 1:19-20 reads, “So then, my beloved
brethren, let every man be swif to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the wrath of man does not
produce the righteousness of God.”
You may not realize that using sinful actions toward your spouse not only fails to accomplish the changes
you desire, but actually can provoke them toward worse attitudes and reactions. This is a pattern that
may have existed in your life since childhood, your parents being disrespectful to each other, and to you,
which caused chaos in your home. God says that sinful communication actually frustrates others and
provokes further ungodly actions. Our behavior needs to be dictated by God’s Word; the Lord wants us
to respond according to truth, not feelings and emotions.
God’s desire is that people bring glory to Him by reflecting His very nature. Have you accepted and
embraced this purpose for your marriage, to bring glory to God?
Proverbs 14:29, says, “He who is slow to wrath has great understanding. But he who is
impulsive, again exalts folly.”
This means that impulsive reactions are not from the Holy Spirit, but are an act of your flesh, or sin
nature. The flesh is naturally self-centered, self-loving and unloving to others. We must begin to take
responsibility for this before change can occur. Chaos reigns in our homes due to the way we treat one
another. We must open our hearts to the truth of God’s Word as the only standard for our behavior.
Matthew 22:36-39, “’Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?’ Jesus said
to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with
all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it, you
shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”
Is your spouse closer than your neighbor? I sure hope so. But often the neighbor gets better treatment.
You may say, “Well, I don’t have to live with my neighbor. You don’t know my spouse. That’s why I do
what I do, and say what I say.” But God’s Word does not say “if”, it simply tells us we need to love one
another.
The Bible says we are to “put on” love. This action is a choice, not a feeling.
Colossians 3:14, “But above all these things, put on love which is the bond of perfection.”
104 | WEEK 3: Day 2

Again, it is a choice to “put on” something. We must have a strong desire to love. During my marriage,
there have been times that I did not feel like loving my wife, and surely I have given her opportunities to
not want to love me. We started out by allowing our flesh to rule and said what naturally came to mind.
Praise God, I am not the same man my wife married so many years ago and, praise the Lord, she’s not
the same woman. My wife has been transformed in areas where she has learned to yield herself to the
Holy Spirit. Are we perfect yet? No. But we love each other more and are exemplifying Christ more as
time passes.
We can all be experiencing the transformation into the image of God, and demonstrating more of God’s
love to one another. The path is obedience; take those moments when the flesh rises up and choose to
say to yourself, “I feel like doing this, like saying this but, Lord, I’m asking for Your strength right now to
shut my mouth, and not to put on that twisted, ugly expression.” Be aware of your facial expressions and
body language, which experts say is 55 percent of our communication to one another.
It is only by knowing God’s will for us, found in His Word, and by obediently yielding to the power of His
Spirit that we can grow in self-control. But we will never be perfect; failure just means that we are not
complete, but we can continually grow in Christlikeness if we are confessing our sin to God and our
spouse, and asking for forgiveness. It is because of God’s love and mercy that He forgives us; as we abide
in Christ, we will learn to accept His forgiveness and forgive others. b Self-Examination 3
Take a moment and list some of the negative facial or verbal reactions you use with your spouse.
4 Action Plan 2
Write out a prayer of request to God, for His grace to faithfully ask forgiveness when you fail in this area.
WEEK 3: Day 2 | 105


Read the following verses and list our responsibilities concerning love.
John 13:34, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have
loved you, that you also love one another.”
Colossians 3:14, “But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.”
Ephesians 4:15, “But, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is
the head—Christ.”
1 Peter 1:22, “Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in
sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart.”
106 | WEEK 3: Day 2

1 Peter 4:8, “And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a
multitude of sins.”
The Bible speaks of different kinds of love, but what we refer to here is the Greek word agape. The
Nelson New Illustrated Bible Dictionary reads: “Contrary to popular understanding, the significance of
agape love is not that it is an unconditional love, but that is primarily a love of the will rather than the
emotions.” 21 You and I must pray for the desire to love our spouse the way God says. The indwelling Holy
Spirit gives us the ability, but you have to desire it, and pursue it. God knows our hearts, and if your heart
is not in it, you will not succeed.
I work with couples in counseling; some married over 15 years who really struggle in this area. They say,
“I want to follow the Lord, and I want to be obedient to God.” But they continue to break four or five of
God’s commands, behaving in the opposite of love every single day. The only way you know if you really
want to change is your willingness to admit your sin to God and spouse, and ask forgiveness.
Are you willing to go to God first, and then your spouse, saying, “You know, what I said was wrong and
I’m asking for forgiveness?” If not, then you really do not want change because the process God has
designed for change is confession and repentance. That is showing the Lord, and ourselves, our own
flesh, that we really desire to change and begin to love others God’s way.
Fact File
Repent – To resolve; to amend one’s life as a result of contrition for one’s sins; to feel
regret for one has done or omitted to do before God. To turn around and go another
direction; to change one’s mind, will and life, resulting in a change of behavior; to do
things another way.

Read the following scriptures and briefly write out what is being presented concerning repentance, and
how obedience could affect your relationship with God, with your spouse.
21 Ronald F. Youngblood, F. F. Bruce, and R. K. Harrison, Thomas Nelson Publishers, eds., Nelson’s New Illustrated Bible
Dictionary (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc., 1995).
WEEK 3: Day 2 | 107

Acts 26:20, “but declared first to those in Damascus and in Jerusalem, and throughout all
the region of Judea, and then to the Gentiles, that they should repent, turn to God, and do
works befitting repentance.”
Romans 2:4, “Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and
longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?”
Luke 15:7, “I say to you that likewise there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who
repents than over ninety-nine just persons who need no repentance.”
Isaiah 55:6–7, “Seek the Lord while He may be found, Call upon Him while He is near. Let
the wicked forsake his way, And the unrighteous man his thoughts; Let him return to the
Lord, And He will have mercy on him; And to our God, For He will abundantly pardon.”
First Corinthians 13, the Agape Chapter

In our culture, the word “love” is flippantly thrown around. You say “I love” a particular food, new car,
new haircut, and then you say “I love you” to your wife, or husband. Or have you gotten into the habit of
telling your spouse “love ya”? To properly love another person, we have to look to the Word of God for a
108 | WEEK 3: Day 2

description. God’s Word says that it is able to make you complete, so that you will be thoroughly
equipped for every good work (2 Tim. 3:17).
In I Corinthians 13:4-7, God explains this (agape) love, and it is important for us to take the time to study
this truth and evaluate ourselves.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7, “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not
parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not
provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all
things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Do you have it all under control? NO! In fact, it is impossible for any of us to take this description of love
and do it in our own strength. It was never God’s design to give this measuring tool and say, “Okay, I want
you to do this on your own.” Instead, God says, “You have the power of My Holy Spirit, but you must
desire, you must choose obedience and be willing to repent.” This requires a continuous commitment to
follow God’s Word, to abide in Christ, which will bring strength and transformation in and through your
life. Then, God’s love, agape love, will begin to flow out of you to others.
Galatians 5:22-23, puts “love” first in the fruit of the Spirit. When have you ever seen an orange tree
grunting and straining to produce an orange? You cannot see the activity under the bark, but the fruit
pops up all over a healthy tree. God gives us examples in His Word, like the fruit-bearing tree, to illustrate
spiritual principles. The fruit of love in our lives is a byproduct of our intimacy with Him and our choice to
put on love. When we do that, when we abide in Christ and desire spiritual fruit, God promises to
produce it.
Now we are going to study I Corinthians 13:4-7, phrase by phrase, keeping in mind that God is not
condemning us for our failures. Awareness of sin is a good thing as it comes from the Holy Spirit. If you
feel convicted, praise the Lord, because true conviction brings us to repentance, changes our hearts and
gives us a desire to change (2 Cor. 7:9-11). Condemnation is not from God (Rom 8:1), but comes from the
pit of Hell, the enemy, and we need to know the difference.
As we study this scripture, God will speak to you about the value you have placed on your spouse, and on
God’s Word. You will see that your behavior has been an indicator of what is in your heart. You will feel
conviction because most people, out of selfishness or ignorance, are breaking four or five of these
attributes every day. And how long has it been since you said in your heart, “I (not your spouse) need to
change and I am going to stop behaving this way?”
WEEK 3: Day 2 | 109

What love is Not

1) lOve IS NOT IMPaTIeNT.
Fact File
Longsuffering, or patience: to be long-tempered, the opposite of hasty anger, instead it
involves exercising understanding and patience toward people. It also requires that we
endure circumstances, not losing faith or giving up.22
The Scripture tells us that love “suffers long,” (patient NASB, NIV) and commands us to do so. The
opposite of long-suffering, or being patient, is impatience. Love is not impatient. If we put selfish
expectations on our spouses, and then become angry when they fail, we are being impatient and failing
to love them properly by God’s standard.
Anyone ever feel impatient? Ever feel hate? That would be the opposite of love. There is no gray area.
Are you thinking, “Wait a minute, Craig, isn’t there a middle ground? Isn’t there then some kind of a
neutral zone, and then there’s hate?” No, if you do something opposite of what God’s Word says, it is
hate. And there is only one word to describe it from the Bible – sin. So, when you act contrary to God’s
design, you are hating your spouse, which is disobedience to God and is sin. Period. No neutral zone.
Have you heard the description of marriage that opposites attract? This can manifest itself in countless
ways. For example, I did not realize, even though I dated my wife for four years, how different we were
when it came to being places on time. I had to exercise much patience after marriage. I’m one of those
guys, if I’ve got to be somewhere, I want to be there ten minutes early, if not earlier. I don’t like anyone
waiting for me and, as you can imagine, I don’t like waiting for anybody else. So God is working on me
continuously in this area of patience, and by His grace I have greatly improved.
So, as a married man this became a big issue between my wife and me. She was always just kind of
flippant about being on time. She would formulate in her mind how important something was and if it
wasn’t important to her, she could care less what time we got there. So this caused friction, and we had
to learn how to adjust to each other.
Let’s talk about the difference between “preference” and “truth.”
Fact File
Preference means; what one prefers, before or above another. It is neither right nor wrong
but personal preference.
22 Spiros Zodhiates, The Complete Word Study Dictionary : New Testament (Chattanooga, TN: AMG Publishers, 2000) 939.
110 | WEEK 3: Day 2

Can personal preference be wrong? Yes. If personal preference is contrary to God’s will and/or is hurting
someone else, then this is sinful and wrong.
Truth: comes from the Word of God, makes clear what is right and wrong.
Deuteronomy 4:2, “You shall not add to the word which I command you, nor take from it,
that you may keep the commandments of the Lord your God which I command you.”
Matthew 5:18–19, “For assuredly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, one jot or
one tittle will by no means pass from the law till all is fulfilled. Whoever therefore breaks
one of the least of these commandments, and teaches men so, shall be called least in the
kingdom of heaven; but whoever does and teaches them, he shall be called great in the
kingdom of heaven.”
As a married couple, you will have many opportunities to compromise in regard to personal preferences.
Compromise: to settle differences by mutual consensuses.
Sometimes, we need to lower our expectations. For me, this looked like, “Well, now look, really this is not
an important event, so why do I need to be there ten minutes early?” This is really just a habit, not a
moral issue, so I can choose to adjust. Don’t set yourself up to be upset. I would really have these mental
discussions with myself as God began to reveal to me that my impatience toward my wife was sin. It was
wrong.
These attitudes are internal, but we know that they affect our relationships in a big way. For example, it is
very disheartening to be going somewhere and on the way there you’re arguing with your wife, especially
some place like church. When I got involved in church ministry, it was really important for me to be there
on time. And to my wife, it just wasn’t as important. So when we were late, I would become so agitated.
One time, I’m driving down the freeway at 95 miles-per-hour and she looks over at me and says, “Honey,
you’re so worried about being there on time, look what you’re doing. You’re going 95, you’re going to
stumble somebody on the way to the church.”
I looked over at her, and I just lovingly said, I should say unlovingly said, “If you would not make me late, I
would not have to be driving so fast! Honey, how many times do I have to tell you, what is it going to take
for you to be up and be ready? I mean, I get up, make coffee, and put the bowls of cereal out for the kids.
What’s up?”
WEEK 3: Day 2 | 111

There was silence for a few moments, then she looks at me and says, “Why don’t you help?” Now, ladies,
listen to me because when she said that, I didn’t know what she meant. I’m thinking, “Help? Do what?
What else can I do? I got myself up. Do you want me to dress you? I mean, come on, then we’d be really
late.” So I said, “What can I do?” And she says, “Well, why don’t you dress the kids?” The kids were
about three and five at the time, and I thought, “Dress the kids?” That was a crisis moment right there,
as I considered whether I would take this on or not. And I said, “All right, I’m going to do that. Starting
next week, I will start dressing the kids on Sunday mornings. And we’re going to be on time.”
First week came, I got involved and believe me, I blew it big time the first three or four times after that.
The kids were crying, noses running, and they were dressed in the wrong colored clothes, so they didn’t
match.
We were on time but I had to learn how to make it more fun, make some adjustments in my technique.
This is my example of victory over impatience in one area that was a continuing problem. We all struggle
and hopefully you also are realizing that areas where you are allowing impatience to rule are eroding
good feelings toward your spouse. This is how sin gets in and ruins a marriage, fills it with anger and
resentful feelings. Each of us needs to be observant, becoming aware when something is important to
your spouse, and willing to work extra hard to help, or to adjust your life for them. You may need to
lower expectations, and to make adjustments in your attitudes.
Galatians 5:22 says, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, and longsuffering…” which is the fruit of
the Spirit, not the fruit that comes naturally from us. Are you changing and coming up with solutions
where there is impatience, or have you become rigid and just said, “This is the way I am, and that’s the
way you are.”? Remember, impatience is sin. For a successful marriage, husband and wife need to work
as one to accomplish God’s will, which requires humility, repentance and a desire to please God and
others.
This is a good place to stop and reflect on your relationship with the Lord. Before you came to Christ, God
was very patiently leading you to a place where you would surrender to Him, and even now God is being
patient with your ignorance and disobedience.
Romans 2:4 says, “Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and
longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?”
The Scripture also says in 1 Corinthians 13:4 that love “suffers-long”, which is derived from the word
“longsuffering”. Notice, it is the longsuffering and goodness of God that leads us to repentance, not
God’s anger and impatience. Should we not demonstrate the same attitudes to our spouse?
112 | WEEK 3: Day 2

The Bible says in 2 Peter 3:9, “The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count
slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all
should come to repentance.”
Oh, how truly looooooooongsuffering God is toward us!
4 Action Plan 3
Write down three areas where you are impatient with your spouse, ask God to forgive you. Then, ask
your spouse to forgive you (each area specifically). Follow up by committing these areas to prayer, asking
God for strength and wisdom to change.

Paul prayed concerning the quality of love and patience we need in our hearts. What is the source of this
love?
2 Thessalonians 3:5, “Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into
the patience of Christ.”
WEEK 3: Day 2 | 113

Read the following Scriptures and write down what they say about longsuffering patience, love, or both.
114 | WEEK 3: Day 2

Romans 15:5, “Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded
toward one another, according to Christ Jesus,…”
Galatians 5:22, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness…”
Hebrews 6:12, “That you do not become sluggish, but imitate those who through faith
and patience inherit the promises.”
1 Thessalonians 5:14, “Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort
the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all.”
WeeK 3: Day 3
2) lOve IS NOT UNKIND.
WEEK 3: Day 3 | 115

Fact File
Kind: chrestos (Greek), to do good; denotes being gentle, merciful, sympathetic, gracious
and good natured in contrast to harsh, hard, sharp, bitter or cruel. The term also
expresses the idea of moral excellence.
A good illustration of this word is when Christ used it of Himself, saying, “… My yoke is easy (chrestos),
and My burden is light.” (Matt 11:30). True love motivates us to act in merciful goodness toward our
spouse, so that the wife or husband can see Christ in us, an example of a loving and kind minister of God.
“Love is…kind.” (1 Cor. 13). The opposite of kindness is being unkind. Love is not unkind. Being unkind
can include being provoked, angry, yelling, judging, ignoring, or rejecting one another. There are many
ways to let a person know that we cannot accept their differences or failures. Remember, our spouses
also have to put up with our differences and failures. Why do so many people believe that if they’re not
angry, or holding back affection, ignoring, or expressing their displeasure by using hurtful words and
mean statements, that their wife or husband will not understand the importance of something? That is
our sin. God calls it being unkind.
We have to begin to take responsibility, identify sin for what it is. Romans 12:10 says, “Be kindly
affectionate to one another with brotherly love and in honor, giving preference to one another.” Giving
preference to someone means considering them above yourself. Esteeming your spouse above yourself
is to regard or to consider their feelings above your own, and not treat them harshly with unkindness for
any reason.
One of the most destructive things husbands and wives do is get into the habit of being harsh and unkind
to one another, which can be communicated by words, acts and facial expressions. And this is not just a
male behavior, believe me, there are many women who know how to be harsh, mean and angry. God
wants us to ask ourselves, “How should I share my feelings or my opinion, my thoughts, so it will not hurt
or tear down the bridge of communication to my spouse? How can I best help them understand what I’m
trying to say?” God wants us to use wisdom and self-control to guide the way we interact with others.
The Holy Spirit has given us all the power we need to accomplish this.
Life offers many situations where we need to cooperate, many opportunities to share thoughts and
opinions. Even if our ideas are constructive, there are good and bad ways to communicate them. Most
men need some work on communication because we can’t talk to our wives as we talk to people on the
job, right? You know, I can go to my buddy and say, “Dude, you’re getting fat, man.” And he’s okay with
it. You don’t say that to your wife unless you want to hurt her deeply.
116 | WEEK 3: Day 3

Or maybe you are nicer to coworkers because bad behavior is not acceptable at work. You would like to
tell a guy on the job he is an idiot for making that mistake, but you don’t, and then you take that
frustration home to your wife and kids. Who gets called an idiot, or treated harshly for making a
mistake? Right, your wife or one of the kids. That is sin.
Men, remember that women are emotional and talking to them in a very gentle way is so important. God
designed your wife as your “completer”, to be one with you. Learn how she is different, and learn how to
exchange ideas and opinions with kindness and respect.
Women, you need to learn how to be specific. You are emotional vessels and sometimes it takes 24
minutes to get to the point you are trying to make. And men don’t do well with that; we’re logical. Give
us the point and tell us what you want. For example, a wife says, “I do so much to keep the house clean,
and I never get a break, and setting dinner by six is so hard when I have to pick up the kids and you don’t
help me with the disciplining of the kids…can you pick up the kids today?.” I’ve got it, why did you have
to tell me all that other stuff? You know, my gosh, just ask me. Just ask me to pick up the kids. So, women
have some natural adjustments to make, too. We’re guys and we think more logically, it’s not a smarter
thing, it is just the way we are. So learn how to be very specific, ladies, with what you’re saying, what
you’re asking us. Don’t play the guessing game, “Well, if you love me, you can figure this out.”
Remember my situation when I asked my wife, “What do you mean ‘help’?” She had to think for a few
minutes, then said, “Why don’t you help with the kids?” That was not specific. I said, “Well, like what?”
She said, “Well, why don’t you get them dressed?” That was specific. I can get that, put my mind to it.
Did I need her assistance to learn how to do it correctly, so they had the right color or coordination of
clothes?
Yes. So we worked together after I understood what she needed me to do.
As we face the inevitable challenges of marriage, we need to deal with them in the right way and take
responsibility when we do not. It is important not to speak in general terms, but be specific when we are
trying to help our spouse understand what we want and need. Ladies, when you say, “I just need you to
love me more.” That’s like telling your kids, “Why don’t you grow up.” Well, what does that mean?
Here’s another one, “I need you to communicate more.” “Okay, I’ll tell you what, honey, during every
commercial, let’s talk.” Again, we need to learn how to be specific. We need to ask God to help us have
the right attitude, and to help us understand our spouses and speak to them in a loving way?”
Sometimes we need to communicate by letters. After our third year of marriage, my wife and I went to a
marriage retreat and discovered that there were subjects we could not talk about without becoming
angry and defensive. So we started writing each other letters because it provided alone time for each to
WEEK 3: Day 3 | 117

think it through. It gave each of us time to consider how to esteem the other, respect their viewpoint,
and communicate with wisdom and patience. It worked for us.
When improving relations in marriage, there are common phrases to avoid; we call them
communicatordestroyers. See if any of these apply to you: “You always,” “You never,” “You will never
change,” “There you go again,” “You’re a … (blank),” “You’re just like your mother,” or “like your father”.
Other destroyers include lying, accusing, blaming and bringing up past issues. These are all sinful, unkind
things that God says are unloving. Again, you cannot blame your spouse when you act in a sinful way.
Paul gives some pointed instruction in Ephesians 4:31-32:
“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all
malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in
Christ forgave you.” [emphasis added].
Notice what needs to be put away. There also is the command to “be kind”, “chrestos” (Greek), which is a
behavior that we are to pursue and continue to pursue.
4 Action Plan 4
Take some time and write down those things that you need to “put away”. Ask forgiveness from God, and
for Him to show you how to proactively be kind to your spouse. Pray for the faith to trust Him and keep
at it, even though you sometimes fail. Ask for His grace to always ask for forgiveness when you fail. This is
the only way you will experience godly change, transformation!
118 | WEEK 3: Day 3


Write out examples, from the following verses, of how you can show more kindness to your spouse.
What should you do?
Romans 12:10, “Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving
preference to one another.”
Colossians 3:12, “Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies,
kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;”
Proverbs 19:22a, “What is desired in a man is kindness…”
3) lOve DOeS NOT eNvY.
Fact File
Envy: this is discontent or uneasiness at the sight of another’s excellence or good fortune,
accompanied with some degree of hatred and a desire to possess equal advantages;
malicious grudging.
WEEK 3: Day 3 | 119

Envy or jealousy toward a spouse can occur in various forms, but the most common example is favoritism
among the children. Many times husbands and wives will have a favorite son or daughter; when trouble
arises between them the child is used as compensation. This also allows a child to pit one parent against
another, and the game becomes very destructive to all involved. The fact that 39 percent of our
population in the United States is blended families makes this a uniquely challenging problem. Your
children need to know that, next to Jesus Christ, your spouse will always be number two, and you will
not let your children play head games that provoke jealousy. God’s design for marriage is the spouse
comes right after Him, with no exceptions.
Is there a particular child to whom you have shown favoritism?  Yes  No If
so explain:
Have you ever felt jealous of the time your spouse spends with friends? It is good to have close friends,
but not at the expense of your relationship. There needs to be a balance, and time with friends should
not be used as a compensation or distraction from working on troubles at home. Spouses need to
encourage one another to participate in healthy friendships. If your spouse objects to a friend because
you act differently when you are with that person, they may have a good point and are probably giving
you godly wisdom. Also, if you have close friends that are not Christians, or who are not living according
to God’s will, they can affect you. First Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be deceived: Evil company
corrupts good habits.”
An area that can provoke jealously is time spent on recreation, hobbies or even ministry. I know a lot of
men play golf, which takes how many hours? Four or five hours? Men, if you’re playing ten hours of golf a
month and doing nothing with your wife, well, obviously, that could provoke some jealousy. So you need
to balance those things. In fact, balance is the key here, even when it comes to ministry. And ladies, are
you spending so much time on activities outside the home that your responsibilities are suffering? The
120 | WEEK 3: Day 3

home is the first priority, and the husband and wife need to guard their love and time spent for one
another above all else.
Speaking of guarding our love, this brings up a very volatile area in marriage resulting in jealousy – the
threat of losing a spouse’s affection and loyalty.
Do not be unjustly jealous toward your spouse. Do you become inflamed with jealousy when you suspect
your spouse has looked at a person of the opposite sex? Does it happen when they look in the direction
of another, an innocent glance meaning nothing? That is a problem, a sin, a matter for prayer and
possibly counseling.
Husbands, if you’re gawking and looking all the time, you’d better deal with that. Pray and ask God to
forgive you, and change. Because you’re not supposed to be checking women out at any time, but
especially NOT in front of your wife. Don’t do it. A guy might say, “Well, God put her there. Right, look,
she’s right there.” As a man and a counselor, I have heard some stupid excuses. Instead pray this each
time you are tempted to look, “I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look upon a
young woman?”(Job 31:1).
Another form of jealousy that is selfish and childish may arise when your spouse gets a blessing and you
don’t. For example, your wife gets a gift from her parents to go someplace for a few days, to some exotic
place, and you can’t go. The first thing that comes to your mind is, “Alright that’s it, I’m going to go out
and buy something.” Men sometimes have opportunities to travel for work, or on missions, when a wife
needs to stay home with the children. Be happy for your spouse when blessings come to them.
We all know how jealousy feels, and when you feel it be sure to check yourself for the reason: “God,
what is the motive behind my attitude? Is it selfishness, or is there a real lack of balance in the
relationship?” You cannot have a healthy marriage where jealousy is being practiced. If you are the
recipient, consider whether your attitude or behavior is provoking your spouse.
I encounter many types of marital problems in my counseling and there was this one couple, a man
divorced for many years who eventually married a lovely lady. He had employed a secretary for six years
who was single and cute, and his routine was to work at least four nights a week until seven o’clock.
Soon, his new wife was expressing displeasure with this, even though she was aware of it during their
dating period. The husband was confused by her jealousy, standing on the fact that she worked as his
secretary for six years. So they came in for counseling, I exhorted him by saying, “You’re now married,
you need to consider your wife in this decision.”
WEEK 3: Day 3 | 121

Looking at the whole picture; he was not only working overtime, but he had recreational activities that
were way beyond the time he was spending with his wife. There was a lack of balance that provoked this
jealousy, so they had to make some adjustments. I say “they” because neither person has the right to
dictate or demand their own way all the time; marital adjustments are a matter of listening, caring, and
working together with an attitude of love. This will require time spent looking at God’s Word and in
prayer.

Instead of turning to envy, we need to act according to God’s wisdom:
James 3:17-18, “But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle,
willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.
Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”
Write down characteristics of wisdom from this Scripture that can improve your actions toward your
spouse. How can you apply them to problem areas? Be specific.
Read the following verses and write down what kinds of actions result from envy.
Acts 17:5, “But the Jews who were not persuaded, becoming envious, took some of the
evil men from the marketplace, and gathering a mob, set all the city in an uproar and
attacked the house of Jason, and sought to bring them out to the people.”
122 | WEEK 3: Day 3

Mark 15:9-10, “But Pilate answered them, saying, ‘Do you want me to release to you the
King of the Jews?’ 10 For he knew that the chief priests had handed Him over because of
envy. 11 But the chief priests stirred up the crowd, so that he should rather release
Barabbas to them.”
4 Action Plan 5
Write out where you are envious, or provoking envy in your spouse. Discuss it as a couple, ask
forgiveness and come up with a plan for change.
4) lOve DOeS NOT PaRaDe ITSelF, OR bRaG.
Fact File
Brag: to talk about oneself, or things pertaining to oneself, in a boastful manner; to boast.
No bragging applies to both husbands and wives; it comes out as belittling and making the other person
feel less important or undervalued in the relationship.
WEEK 3: Day 3 | 123

For example, a troubled couple came to counseling and the husband’s complaint was their physical
relationship had not been where it should in a long time. He felt low on the scale of importance and
priority to his wife. This man was so frustrated and bitter that he verbally thrashed her right in front of
me. It went something like this: “All she’s got to do is take the three kids to school, big deal.” He goes on
belittling the value and importance of tending to the home and the children. “I work hard, I bring home
the money, and all she has to do is get the kids to school. What’s the big deal? And I come home at night
and all I hear from her is, ‘I’m tired’!”
I looked at his wife and said, “How did that make you feel?” He’s sitting there, surprised, and she just
bowed her head and wept. And I said, “Dude, did you hear yourself? How important is it for your wife to
stay home to love, to cherish and to be there for your kids? How important is that to you, and how
important is that to God? Very important! Dude, what just came out of your mouth was so arrogant and
hurtful. Yes, areas in your life need to change, and areas in your wife’s life need to change towards you,
but what you just did, this arrogant attitude, just hurt your wife deeply.”
And wives can do it, too. One of the most common ways is regarding raising the children. Dad comes
around and says something, and as soon as he leaves, “Don’t listen to him, you know dad, he’ll forget
tomorrow.” Belittling the father to the children, or undermining his authority is sinful and a type of
indirect arrogance. The implication is that dad is an idiot, doesn’t know what he’s talking about. This is a
wife who is setting herself above her husband, seeing herself as the wise and fair parent. Proverbs 27:2
says, “Let another man praise you, not your own mouth. A stranger, and not your own lips.” b Self-
Examination 5
Is bragging a technique that you use with your spouse?  Yes  No
If so, explain
124 | WEEK 3: Day 3


Explain what the following scriptures say about exalting yourself? Are you doing this with your spouse,
and how can you make it right by applying these principles? Be specific.
Romans 12:3, “For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you,
not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has
dealt to each one a measure of faith.”
Galatians 6:3, “For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he

deceives himself.”
Philippians 2:3, “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness
of mind let each esteem others better than himself.”
5) lOve IS NOT PUFFeD UP OR aRROGaNT.
Fact File
WEEK 3: Day 3 | 125

Arrogant or proud: to be conceited; feeling or showing self-importance, disregard for others.

Prideful; giving oneself high rank, or an undue degree of significance.
We are not to be dictators, brutally and/or arrogantly ruling over each other. God wants you to love and
encourage your spouse, not try to control them. Your attitudes must reflect that you are acting in each
other’s best interest in every situation, helping one another to develop a godly marriage. Your spouse
should feel like they are one with you, equals in God’s sight. Even though the husband is the leader, he
should not be ruling over his wife as if in the military. But wives can also play the role of ruling the house
by using pride or arrogance.
We must always remember a primary principle of a Godly marriage, we are ministers. We have to view
our position in marriage as a divine calling from the Lord, and do all for His glory, not ours. Jesus was
with His disciples when two of them asked if they could sit one on His right hand and the other on His
left in God’s kingdom.
Jesus responded to them in Matthew 20:25-28:
“You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great
exercise authority over them. 26 Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to
become great among you, let him be your servant. 27 And whoever desires to be first
among you, let him be your slave— 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served,
but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” (emphasis added).
The words servant, served, and serve are derived from the Greek word diakonos, translated minister in
some verses of the New Testament. A slave was someone who had no rights of his own, but was devoted
to the will of another. Jesus was not condemning authority, but emphasizing the proper use of authority.
Jesus had all the authority in the world, but His attitude was to serve and fulfill the “Father’s will.”
Husbands and wives each have their own God-given authority, but how each exercises that privilege is of
the utmost importance to God, as we are His ministers to do His will. b Self-Examination 6
Are you a dictator at times by how you talk to your spouse or by your actions?  Yes  No
Write out what the LORD has revealed to you.
126 | WEEK 3: Day 3


Read the following Scriptures and write down what the Bible says about pride and arrogance, and how
this could affect your marriage.
Proverbs 8:13, “The fear of the Lord is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way,
And the perverse mouth I hate.”
Proverbs 11:2, “When pride comes, then comes shame; But with the humble is wisdom.”
Proverbs 13:10, “By pride comes nothing but strife, But with the well-advised is wisdom.”
James 4:6, “But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: “God resists the proud, but
givesgrace to the humble.”
WEEK 3: Day 4 | 127

WeeK 3: Day 4
6) lOve DOeS NOT beHave RUDelY, IS NOT UNbeCOMING.
Fact File
Rude: characterized by roughness; harsh, severe, ugly, indecent, or offensive in manner or action.
This can include purposely embarrassing or demeaning your spouse in front of others, including your
children, or using rude jesting and sarcasm towards one another. I love joking and we do it a lot in my
house. But there is a place where you cross the line. When this happens, a polite comment from the
wounded partner should be enough to bring an apology and stop the behavior.
We all know about those times when we cross the boundary of love and good will. Sometimes we know
what hurts our spouse and we say it anyway, even in front of other people. Whatever it is, when there’s
rude jesting, God says it is sin we need to stop.
So many times, people come in for counseling and this subject comes up; things that either spouse will
do or say over and over and over again throughout a period of many years and they just excuse it as fun
jesting! Hello! God says it’s okay to joke, but don’t be rude. For example, during a counseling session, a
wife said to her husband, “You’re such a baby, that’s why I treat you like a kid.” She said it right in front of
me, and they wonder why their marriage is stuck and in trouble. We need to call it sin and pray to God,
“Change my heart; this is a bad habit.”
Husbands and wives, we must learn something that is very important; how to speak blessings into each
other’s lives. For example, tell your wife how you appreciate her: “You’re a great mom”; “I love the way
you show affection to the kids”; “You are beautiful”; “The house looks great”; etc. And wives, you do the
same for your husband: “You’re my man”; “You’re my lover”; “The kids look up to you”; “You are a good
provider”; etc. Use words that bless, speak truth, and bring encouragement to one another.
One of the greatest lessons I have learned is to thank God for my wife when we are praying together. I
give praise to God for the good things that she does, in her presence. You begin to do that, men, and you
will be blessed. Ephesians 4:29 gives us a guide: “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your
mouth, but what is good and necessary for edification that may impart grace to the hearers.”
Fact File
Edification, oikodome (Greek), means to build up for the spiritual profit or advancement of
someone else, and also used to indicate building up a house or structure.
128 | WEEK 3: Day 4

We must see that there are times to exercise constraint, “let no corrupt word proceed out of your
mouth.” Why? Because it does not build up, rather brings your spouse down. It really qualifies as gossip,
which is rude, harsh, unkind, and is the opposite of building up. We must keep in mind, “Are my next
words going to build my spouse up, draw my spouse to Christ and impart the grace of God to their ears?”
Now, that’s LOVE!
Within our marriages, we all will make mistakes and sin against one another. When we do, we are to ask
forgiveness, and should receive that forgiveness from our spouses. Then, the sin that wounded you is
forgiven, and the retelling of it, or bringing it up is not acceptable. The Bible says, “love covers sin” and it
is sad that so many spouses are bad mouthing, or gossiping about their spouse’s shortcomings. Love
seeks to conceal the faults of others, but not ignore them.

How do you think the following passage relates to this subject? Meditate on it.
Proverbs 17:9, “He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeats or
harps on a matter separates even close friends.” (Amplified)
To cover means to put a lid on it, conceal it. Why would we want to do that? Because loving our spouse
seeks the best for that individual. To quote a noted Christian scholar, “Someone has said, that, if tempted
to relate unsavory things of an absent person, it is well to ask mentally three questions: Is it true? Is it
kind? Is it necessary?”23 And I would add one more question: Would it edify the person we are talking
about and those who are listening?
This caution never means that we ignore, or overlook, our spouse’s sin toward u or the children. Read
from an analysis of Proverbs 17:9, how one author explains covering a transgression:
“To cover a transgression, however, does not mean to make light of sin and allow iniquity
to go unrebuked in another. It is, on the contrary, to go to the erring one personally in
tenderness and brotherly kindness; to seek to exercise his conscience as to that in his
23 H. A. Ironside, Notes on the Book of Proverbs (Neptune, NJ: Loizeaux Bros, 1908), 212.
WEEK 3: Day 4 | 129

course, which is bringing dishonor upon his Lord. If such a mission is successful, the sin
should never again be mentioned. It is covered, and none other need know of it.” 24
What wise words for us to follow. As you know, forgiveness and reconciliation should be done
immediately or as soon as possible.
Are there times that you are rude, or harsh to your spouse?  Yes  No
What behavior has the Lord revealed that needs changing? Write out your confession.
Is asking your spouse for forgiveness in order? If so, do it.
7) lOve DOeS NOT SeeK TO Have ITS OWN WaY.
Fact File
Seek your own way: this is a person who pursues what best fits their own interests,
without any concern of how their actions or ways affect others. This person is not willing
to receive input, which includes instruction from God’s perspective or their spouse.
We don’t realize how selfish we are until after the marriage. Adapting to sharing a life with someone is
essential; situations will arise requiring compromise and change from each marriage partner. For
example, my wife has a need to communicate with me at least 45 minutes per day. I ignored this for
years and paid the price. Finally, I admitted to myself that she needed this time to talk. She needed it; it
should not be only about what I need, but what she needs.
24 H. A. Ironside, 211.
130 | WEEK 3: Day 4

Recognizing your partner’s need is good, but not productive if you fail to follow through and adapt by
implementing change. So, when my kids were young, my wife and I got together after their bedtime and
we would talk then. But that meant listening with interest and a good attitude. As the kids got older, we
had to adapt again because they were staying up until 10:30 or 11:00, and we were too tired to talk.
I had a routine for years that I really enjoyed; went to work early and did my devotions at the office. My
wife, missing our evening time together, asked if we could start walking together in the mornings. I
agreed grudgingly (hopefully she didn’t know it), and we began to walk and talk three days a week. Now,
we make time each morning to talk and it is awesome. I made adjustments to meet her need and to
show her that she comes right after God in importance to me. This is only one example of putting your
own way, needs, or desires aside for the love of another.
There are two personalities within every marriage; people have different needs, interests and habits. This
is to be expected, but people can be surprisingly stubborn. It is crucial to consider the interests of others;
if a husband and wife operate on this principle, there will be harmony in the relationship. For example, if
I lived my way, our house would probably be a mess because my work shed is a pig pen. But my wife likes
the house clean and she makes it really pretty. So I have learned how to be clean and tidy in the house;
when I make a mess, I clean it up, and so do the kids. Expecting my wife to clean up after me is just
turning her into my maid. When our kids were in the home there was a rule, if you don’t clean up after
yourself, you get disciplined.
I enjoy riding motorcycles, dirt bikes in the desert, and camping. After 15 years of marriage, my wife said,
“Honey camping is hard for me and I really don’t enjoy it. Can you and the boys go without me?” Now, if
she had said that I must quit camping because she’s done, that would be wrong. Remember preference.
Riding with my son or with friends is very therapeutic for me. My wife actually tells other people that she
not only approves but also encourages me in this activity. Thank you, Jesus!
Husbands, how many of you can think of projects around the house that you told your wife you would
finish, and they’re still not done? You know, she asked and you said, “Oh, yeah.” But the work has been in
limbo for three months, three years, and think of all the things you have done for yourself in the
meanwhile – trips, golf, tennis, whatever. She is watching! You have the motivation to do the things you
enjoy, but when she asks for your time, you seldom get around to it. Guys, when your wife asks you to
do a project, commit by asking her when she wants it finished. I have learned to do that with my wife; I’ll
get it done or make a commitment to do it by a certain time. This shows her that she is important, loved
and a priority.
Husbands, we have said that your God-given responsibility is to lead in the home but, in the spirit of
teamwork, it is important to let your wife express her concerns and to involve her in family decisions.
Husbands and wives need to work together to come up with plans and solutions, but the final decision
WEEK 3: Day 4 | 131

lies with the husband. Part of not seeking to have one’s own way in marriage is seeking to get each
other’s input. Proverbs 20:18 states, “Plans are established by counsel; by wise counsel wage war,” and
“Without counsel, plans go awry, but in the multitude of counselors they are established” (Prov. 15:22).
We must be careful not to use our own selfish opinions, fears, or preferences to dictate behavior or
lifestyle for our spouses. Remember we are all different, and that we complete each other, not compete
with one another.

How do the following Scriptures illustrate what your attitude and actions should be toward your spouse?
Philippians 2:4, “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the
interests of others.”
Galatians 5:13c, “…but through love serve one another.”
132 | WEEK 3: Day 4

1 Corinthians 10:24, “Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.”
Have you been seeking to have your own way at home?  Yes  No
If you answered ‘yes’, write out your commitment to change, asking God for strength to follow through.
Is asking your spouse for forgiveness in order? If so do it.
8) lOve DOeS NOT THINK evIl (DOeS NOT TaKe INTO aCCOUNT WRONG SUFFeReD NaSb).
Fact File
Thinks no evil: logizomai (Greek), is used as an accounting term, meaning to put things together
in one’s mind, to count or add up, to occupy oneself with calculations.
God’s Word, in 1 Corinthians 13:5, says that love “thinks no evil.” For example, holding bad thoughts,
bringing up past mistakes, keeping a running list of your spouse’s failures, and then beating them up with
the information when the opportunity arises. Remember, we believers are to be conformed to the image
WEEK 3: Day 4 | 133

of Jesus Christ, and we are told that we have the mind of Christ within us after we receive Him as Savior
and Lord (1 Cor. 2:16).
Psalms 139:17-18 says, “How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is
the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.”
If God knows all the sins that we will ever commit, and says His thoughts toward us are all good, then
what is your excuse for harboring bad thoughts toward your spouse? When you harbor anger,
resentment, bitterness, etc. toward your spouse, you will have a bad attitude and likely not want to do
anything for that person. It will also influence your communication. This is sin. Are you guilty of pouting,
ignoring your spouse, withholding love or staying angry for days? To forgive or not forgive is a choice.
God does not want us to wait until we feel like it; feelings are good passengers, but they are poor drivers.
We must let the Word of God drive us, not our feelings. If you are failing in this way, ask God to change
your heart and stop this destructive bad habit.
Wrongs need to be dealt with immediately, and with explanation. What happened last Tuesday should
have been covered then, handled with godly wisdom and discharged. Developing feelings of anger and
resentment that remain over time will be destructive to your relationship. You must let truth, not your
feelings, dictate how you respond to your spouse.
Hebrews 12:14-15, “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will
see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of
bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.”
To “become defiled” means that a bitter person, which could be a bitter spouse, will eventually spill the
poison of resentment into the lives of others, defiling and hurting them. These practices are the opposite
of love. Many husbands and wives never consider the fact that they are practicing the opposite of love.
We must choose not to think evil, but meditate upon what is good.
Many are experiencing the poison spewing out of a spouse because of unforgiveness. God’s Word says
that when you harbor bitterness, it is like poison oozing out that affects everyone around you. There are
many in Christian homes living in this poisonous goo that God is talking about. Unforgiveness is a poison
that one takes, hoping to hurt the other person. Truly, unforgiveness is like a cancer. If we allow it to, it
will devour us from the inside and infect everyone around us in a negative way.
The Living Bible’s translation of 1 Corinthians 13:5 says:
134 | WEEK 3: Day 4

“(love)… is not irritable, or touchy, it does not hold grudges, and will hardly even notice
when others do wrong.”
That is God’s description of love. How much should we forgive? God’s Word says in Matthew 18:22,
seventy times seven, or 490 times. This is not a limit, but an example meaning endlessly. My wife has
forgiven me way more than 490 times, and I’m sure, hopefully, you’ve forgiven your spouse the same. In
Ephesians 4:32, Paul wrote, “And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as
God in Christ has forgiven you.” God’s Word teaches that love practices forgiveness; always be willing to
give it and also ask for it.

Read the following verse, write down how and why we should forgive others.
Ephesians 4:32, “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even
as God in Christ forgave you”.
4 Action Plan 6
Have you been following Christ’s example of forgiving, forgetting and thinking good thoughts toward
your
spouse?  Yes  No
If not, write down the areas where you are failing to forgive your spouse. Ask God’s forgiveness and pick
a time to ask your spouse’s forgiveness.
WEEK 3: Day 4 | 135


Explain this verse in your own words. How can you apply it toward forgiveness?
Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble,
whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever
things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—
meditate on these things.”
9) lOve DOeS NOT ReJOICe IN UNRIGHTeOUSNeSS.
Fact File
Not rejoicing in unrighteousness (iniquity): this means that when you see someone fall into
sin, or make a mistake, you are not happy about it and/or vindictive toward him or her.
1 Corinthians 13:6 says love… “does not rejoice in unrighteousness”. This is a command. It is like God is
saying, “Don’t even think about it.” That is the emphasis.
Do you feel pleasure when your spouse gets an earful from your kids? Do you hope your son or your
daughter will do something wrong so you can tell your spouse, “See, if you would have done it my way,
this would not have happened.” Have you felt yourself secretly pleased when another person fails?
Again, this is sinful. The Bible tells us to encourage and edify one another. Romans 14:19 says, “Therefore
let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another,” and 1
Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore comfort each other and edify one another…”
136 | WEEK 3: Day 4

The Bible gives us strict warning concerning how we handle sin. Proverbs 14:9 says, “Fools mock at sin,
but among the upright there is favor.” To mock means to boast, to scorn, deride or be inflated. The word
favor has the root meaning of delight, pleasure or acceptance. As husbands and wives, we need to
adhere to the latter part of the verse so that when our spouses fall into sin, they find favor with us from a
heart of compassion that lovingly encourages them.
When a woman was caught in the act of adultery, the Jews brought her to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, this
woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should
be stoned. But what do You say?” (John 8:4-5). The Jews were testing Jesus. They also were rejoicing that
the woman was caught (note: where was the offending man?), and looking forward to stoning her. There
are times your spouse will act out in sin, perhaps lying, getting angry, yelling, or _____ (you fill in the
blank). What should be your response? Jesus said this, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw
a stone at her first.” He started writing on the ground and it is believed that He was pointing out the
accusers’ sins. One by one, they all left because their hearts where convicted (v 9). Jesus spoke directly
to the woman that He did not condemn her, and this was her chance to go and sin no more (v 11).
Every husband and wife will witness their spouse failing. When we see it, we need to exercise self-
control. Proverbs 24:17 says, “Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and do not let your heart be glad
when he stumbles.” Since we are not to rejoice when our enemy falls, how much more should we not
gloat when our spouses fall?
Let’s face it; because of fallen nature there is a mean streak in each of us that sometimes takes pleasure
when someone is suffering because of foolish choices. In fact, all we have to do is turn on the TV and
watch the latest reality show where people are laughing at, or at least being entertained by the
foolishness of others. “Well that person – mother, father, daughter, son, or friend – deserved what they
got.” When this attitude creeps into our homes, it has devastating effects upon our spouses and children,
because we are misrepresenting God. It totally blurs and corrupts what love is. We see our spouses fail
regularly, we fail regularly, and our children challenge us daily. The question is, “How are you going to
represent God during these times?” Really, to put the focus back on ourselves, how do we want God to
treat us when we fail to glorify Him by our behavior?
When you read the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), you get a glimpse of a father’s heart
toward a son who falls into sin, which is a picture of our heavenly Father’s heart. When his son finally
made a decision to return home, the Bible says, “And he arose and came to his father. But when he was
still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him”
(v. 20). There was not any superior morality over his son’s fall, instead he embraced his son and kissed
him. Many spouses still need to develop this type of compassion.
WEEK 3: Day 4 | 137

If we ignore God’s Word, or resist the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and fall into sin and error, God does
not rejoice. Instead, His heart is broken over our foolishness and rebellion. When you find yourself not
practicing love with your spouse, you must confess this to God, ask for forgiveness, then repent and turn
from this sin. God will change your heart as you confess and obey Him. Remember, failures are God’s
way of revealing the areas that need to be transformed, and for us to learn how to respond to our
spouses in a godly way. God’s goal is to have us transformed into His image.
Biblical mercy means we receive God’s pardon, not the penalty for our sin, because of the work of
Christand His grace. But the Bible also tells us that God disciplines His children, meaning you and me.
God IS involved, He is NOT absent in these difficult situations.

Write down what the following Scriptures say about mercy and compassion. How can you apply this to
your marriage? Come up with specific examples.
Luke 6:36, “Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.”
Matthew 5:7, “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.”
Lamentations 3:22-23, “Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His
compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.”
138 | WEEK 3: Day 4

Colossians 3:12a, “Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender
mercies.”
Proverbs 3:3, “Let not mercy and truth forsake you; Bind them around your neck, Write
them on the tablet of your heart.”
WEEK 3: Day 4 | 139

WeeK 3: Day 5
10) lOve ReJOICeS IN THe TRUTH.
Fact File
Rejoicing in the truth: this means that you have great joy, or you are able to rejoice at what
is true, based on God’s promises.
Continuing in verse 6, God says love… “rejoices in the truth.” Do you praise your spouse, telling them
about the good things they do, or do you mostly point to their weaknesses and failures? Watch out,
because you can harbor these negative thoughts, even if you do not express them verbally. Imagine
asking your spouse, “On an average week or an average day, how many blessings come out of my mouth
towards you, versus how many negative things?” Positive communication is, “How are you doing?” “You
look nice.” “How did things go for you today?” Negative is, “What’s wrong with you? I asked you to do
one thing!” “Why are you late from work? Now dinner is cold! Don’t you care about the work I put into
this?” “Honey why didn’t you take the trash out?!” or any form of pointing out each other’s faults in a
negative or unloving way.
Without realizing it, days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months, all the while we are poisoning
our spouses, sinning against them, not loving them, because we are consumed with pointing out what
they are not doing right, and not thinking about praising them for their successes. Husbands and wives
need to be actively thinking about good things concerning their mates. We need to beware of developing
negative attitudes. It is a choice that we make to cultivate positive thoughts and use them to bless one
another. We need to practice appreciation. This is not flattery, but genuine love from a heart of
thankfulness.
If this negativity is sending your marriage in the wrong direction, turn it around. When you have your
family or together prayer time, take a moment and say, “Let’s all say something good about each other.”
Make it a fun; get the family started on looking for the good things in each other. It is so important that
we work together as a team; if you have children, mom and dad be the first to share.
We need to study our spouses and children, to learn their strengths, and to praise them for their
qualities and good deeds.
Do you struggle in this area?  Yes  No
140 | WEEK 3: Day 5

If you do struggle in this area, take some time right now and write down at least three strengths that you
have seen in your spouse. Ask God to show you the best time and way to communicate this. It could be
through a letter, or a conversation out on a special dinner. Make it a point in your devotional time to ask
God to help you be observant of your spouse, and how to praise him/her.
4 Action Plan 7
Work together as husband and wife to encourage each other in this practice. Also, discuss some ways
you can help each other in those challenging marital moments. Write them down.

Write down what the following scriptures say about rejoicing in the truth, what is good, and how the
principles could apply to your marriage.
Psalm 139:17-18, “How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the
sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when
I awake, I am still with You.”
WEEK 3: Day 5 | 141

Romans 12:9, “Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.”
1 Thessalonians 5:15, “See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue
what is good both for yourselves and for all.”
11) lOve beaRS all THINGS.
Fact File
Bears all things: bears, stego (Greek), means to hide, to conceal. Love hides the faults of
others, or covers them up. 25 It keeps out resentment as the ship keeps out the water, or
the roof the rain.26
Another aspect of love in 1 Corinthians 13:7 is that love “bears all things.” Not bearing means giving up,
telling yourself that you can’t take it anymore, and feeling as if you are tired of trying. When I counsel
couples struggling with these thoughts, I ask, “Are you daily abiding in Christ?” The usual response is,
“What’s that?” or “No.” There is no way we can bear with one another and be patient with one another
if we are not abiding in Christ daily by having a healthy devotional life. That is our personal disobedience
25 Zodhiates, 1310.
26 Marvin Richardson Vincent, Word Studies in the New Testament (Bellingham, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc., 2002), 1 Co
13:7.
142 | WEEK 3: Day 5

and our sin; so when you feel like giving up, you cannot blame your spouse. We need to be faithful,
committed to God’s plan and purpose in marriage, and putting our trust in Jesus rather than our spouse.
Head games, the silent treatment, pouting, reacting in anger, and keeping a bad attitude for days is all
sin, and it’s not “bearing” in love. You may feel wronged, and with reason, but acting out the behaviors
mentioned is not the solution.
Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the Law of Christ.”
The word “bear” means to take up in order to carry, to put upon oneself; something to be carried.
Staying obedient to God’s will when your spouse is not doing their part can feel like carrying a heavy
weight, but it is an attribute of love. God says that we need to “bear” with problems in marriage, and
there are seasons when one spouse may be called upon to be the one seemingly bearing more than the
other.
If you entered into the relationship not knowing God’s purpose for marriage, having the wrong
expectations, and/or used methods contrary to God’s Word to try changing your spouse, you can find
yourself very frustrated, depressed and wanting to give up. Have you ever noticed that men and women
have certain expectations when entering into marriage? We expect our spouses to talk, act and perform
the way we want them to, so that they are not such an inconvenience. Marriage takes time, it is work, it
takes sacrifice, and it is a “God” given task. Have you truly accepted this yet? If you are not careful,
resentment can creep into your marriage. Bearing all things in love means accepting our ministry as
spouses – the good, the bad, and the challenging – and behaving with godly love. This includes seeing
our spouse’s failures and faults as opportunities for God to transform us, not to criticize or deliver harsh,
self-righteous lectures.
What has the Lord been revealing in you through your spouse that is causing you to want to give up?
(Tip: What problems are you blaming on your spouse? What is your attitude, your response?)
WEEK 3: Day 5 | 143


What principles can you gain from the following scriptures that would help you with your marriage?
Romans 15:1, “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the
weak, and not to please ourselves.” (ESV)
Galatians 6:2, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ”.
Do you have resentment because of the personality God gave your spouse?  Yes  No
If so, write down the issues and then make a plan for responding to them in love.
144 | WEEK 3: Day 5

12) lOve belIeveS aND HOPeS.
Fact File
Believing: is pisteuo (Greek), and means having faith in, or to be firmly persuaded in something.
It indicates that there is an attitude of expectant hope.
The Biblical principle here is that love has a way of believing the best in people even when your feelings
tell you otherwise. Believe is a verb, which calls for action no matter how we feel. The last principle we
learned was to bear all things, or be willing to cover our spouse’s mistakes with love. Now we must
believe and hope the best for them, maintain a hopeful attitude. We need a willingness to always pursue
a trusting relationship, even when there has been dishonesty or you have a reason not to trust.
I often will ask a husband or wife, “Do you always ask for forgiveness from your spouse or child when you
misrepresent God in your behavior toward them?” Jesus said, “He who has My commandments and
keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him
and manifest Myself to him” (John 14:21). Forgiveness is the healing salve of the Holy Spirit that brings
restoration so one can start over again and believe.
When people come in for marriage counseling, many are trying to do God’s will, but are failing due to
ignorance. They have not been taught, or found on their own, the guidelines for marital success and they
feel hopeless, ready to give up. Often times, the heavy weight that is overwhelming them is their own
responses to their spouse’s behavior. By not “believing or hoping all things” as it says in 1 Corinthian 13,
you are actually doubting God.
Do you doubt God right now? Put your trust in Him. I know deception by a spouse in areas such as
finances, secret activities, even infidelity, can be devastating, but God wants us to have hope and work
back toward trust in the relationship. Many times I counsel couples where past mistakes are held over a
spouse like a guillotine. This is not behaving according to God’s will; a person with a suspicious attitude is
not “hoping all things”. This is sin.
A relationship without trust is not a relationship at all. God’s plan is for us to become one emotionally.
You cannot forgive, even if you are praying for it, if you are clinging to bitterness, refusing to believe in
hope what God can do for you and your spouse in and through your marriage.
Mark 3:25 says, “And if a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.”

What principle(s) from the following Scriptures will help your marriage to be hopeful and full of believing
faith? Write them down, relating them to specific issues.
WEEK 3: Day 5 | 145

Matthew 19:26, “But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible,
but with God all things are possible.”
2 Corinthians 5:7, “For we walk by faith, not by sight.
Romans 5:5, “Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured
out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
4 Action Plan 8
Are there ways in which you have given up believing and hoping in your marriage?  Yes  No
If so, write out the issues and take time with the Lord, asking Him to heal your unbelief and help you with
a plan to reassure your spouse that God is going to work these things out.
146 | WEEK 3: Day 5

13) lOve eNDUReS all THINGS.
Fact File
Endure all things: to endure, hupomeno (Greek), means to abide under, to bear up under,
suffer, as a load of miseries. 27 Also patient acquiescence, holding its ground when it can
no longer believe nor hope.28
This verb indicates that love abides, stays strong and holds its ground; the goal is to last, to tolerate, to
suffer patiently. Marriage is hard work. Raising children is hard work. What is your attitude right now
toward your spouse? Is it one that manifests your willingness to make it work and to work at it, or that
you are just suffering through, going through the motions?
Other issues to consider: as we get older our bodies change and illness may come, you may be called to
care for your spouse and/or you cannot do the things that you used to do or want to do. It might be that
your sexual relationship is not what it used to be. Are you willing to accept this as part of God’s plan and
endure through it with a joyful heart, seeking God and His wisdom along the way? Husbands, are you
going to hold your ground when your wife does not look like the spring chicken she was when you
married her, and vice versa with the wife?
It may be that you both are going through a tremendous trial and the enemy wants to come in and tell
you, “You can’t take this anymore.” Love holds its ground when it seems like you can no longer endure.
We must endure to the glory of God. Love places belief and trust in Almighty God, who has a desire to
bless both you and your spouse, and bless your marriage. It is God’s faithfulness and strength that gives
us the ability to trust.

How can the following scriptures help you and your spouse to endure through tough times? Give an
example for each.
James 1:2–4, “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that
27 Zodhiates, 1424.
28 Marvin Richardson Vincent, Word Studies in the New Testament (Bellingham, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc., 2002), 1 Co
13:7.
WEEK 3: Day 5 | 147

1 Peter 1:6, “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have
been grieved by various trials,”
Finally, 1 Corinthians 13:8 says, “Love never fails.” God loves us first, when we realize and receive that,
then we can love both Him and others. This takes us back to the idea of our foundation, our intimacy
with God. If we put Him first, look to Him every day for guidance, and desire to do His will, God will give
us the grace and power we need to succeed.
Ephesians 4:29-32 says this, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth,
but what is good and necessary, edification, that it may impart grace to the hearer, and
do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all
malice, and be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God in
Christ has forgiven you.”
The Bible has much to say about loving communication. If Jesus ever gave us a command that God would
not enable us to fulfill, He would be a liar. And, if we make our own inability a barrier to obedience, we
are telling God there is something He has not taken into account. Every aspect of self-reliance must be
surrendered, replaced by the power of God. Believing ourselves weak and dependent is necessary for the
Spirit of God to manifest His power in us. God knows we are not capable in our flesh and our own
strength to love each other properly. He is not angry at us when we fail, but wants us to come to the
place where we commit, come to Him daily, moment by moment, for His grace to succeed.
We need to remind ourselves constantly in prayer, “God, I need Your strength because I prove to myself
every day that I need Your grace to succeed.” We cannot rely on yesterday’s grace. I know this very well;
even though I counsel and teach, I am at God’s feet every day saying, “God, I’m begging for Your grace
and mercy to love my wife and to love my children.” I have learned that yesterday will not provide the
grace I need today. Have you learned that? When you do, and you commit yourself to this daily abiding
in Christ, you will experience the fruit of God’s Spirit coming naturally out of your heart.
Remember how the orange tree never works to produce its fruit. When you learn to ask God, trust Him
to help you be kind and loving to your spouse, He will do it. Pray daily, “God, give me the strength, the
148 | WEEK 3: Day 5

grace to love my wife, to love my husband, to quit doing the things that I’m doing wrong. And give me
the grace, the humility, when I fail my spouse, to go and ask forgiveness quickly.” It will not be by you
laboring to change your heart, but by filling yourself with God’s power to love, because He promises to
do it. And when you do this, you will begin to change, but not until.
God wants to bless you and me. He wants to be glorified in each of us. But we have to choose to be
obedient to what His Word tells us to do. Remember, the by-product of our daily abiding relationship is
the power to obey.
Take a moment and pray this prayer,
Father, I thank You for these wonderful truths. Thank You for not expecting us to do all this
in our own strength, in our own power, but You have given us the power of Your Holy Spirit that
enables us to do all things according to Your will. And, Father, I pray that if we have been
doubting You, doubting the power that You can give me and my spouse, I pray, God, that You
would bring conviction, change our hearts. Give us the hope to put our faith and trust in You, to
do a great work in each of our lives, in our marriage, and we pray that where any sinful attitudes
or actions are being practiced, that You would give us each humble hearts, willing to ask for
forgiveness, willing to forgive. Lord, we want You to be glorified, we want our home to be a place
where people can see You in and through our lives. We thank You, we praise You, and we ask
these things in Jesus’ name. Amen. b Self-Examination 12

To see how effective a listener you are, complete the following Loving Communication Self-Evaluation
worksheet individually. It is designed to help husbands and wives identify the source of ungodly
thoughts, feelings or behaviors that have been leading them into the unloving communication they have
exhibited toward their spouses. Once you realize how the enemy has deceived you into acting
inappropriately, use the following steps of confession, repentance and reconciliation with God and your
spouse.
1) Confess to the Lord, asking Him to forgive you for not communicating love to your spouse, His
son/daughter.
1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to
cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
2) Ask God to fill your heart with renewed love for your spouse.
Romans 5:5, “Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been
poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
WEEK 3: Day 5 | 149

3) Go to your spouse and confess your sin. For example, “I have not been showing you my love
by listening to you. I have been thinking about other things instead of really listening
to what you have to say. Please forgive me. I love you and I am so glad to be your husband/
wife.”
4) Pray with your spouse.

Write out a prayer of commitment, asking God to empower you to change in problem
areas and to become the husband or wife that He desires you to be. Then, pray with
your spouse and together ask God for His strength to break the ungodly and sinful
habits that have been practiced for so long.
This homework should be completed each time there is unloving communication between a husband
and wife, until the understanding is complete and the practice of forgiveness and reconciliation becomes
a regular part of the relationship.
150 | WEEK 3: Day 5

effective listening Self-evaluation

Complete the Effective Listening Self-Evaluation to help you become more aware of your
listening habits. Answer each question thoughtfully and honestly, then discuss as a couple.
Communicating Knowledge and Attitudes

Most of Almost
# Do You… Frequently Occasionally
the Time Never
…tune-out your spouse when you don’t agree
1
with him/her or don’t want to hear?
…concentrate on what is being said even if
2
you are not really interested?
…assume you know what your spouse is going
3
to say and stop listening?
…repeat in your own words what your spouse
4
has just said?
…listen to your spouse’s viewpoint, even if it
5
differs from yours?
…remain open to learning something from
6
them, even if it seems insignificant?
…find out what words mean when they are
7
used in ways not familiar to you?
…form a rebuttal in your head while your
8
spouse is still talking?
…give the appearance of listening when you
9
are not?
10 …daydream when your spouse is talking?
11 …listen for main ideas, not just facts?

…recognize that words don’t always mean the
12
same thing to different people?
…listen to only what you want to hear,
13 blotting out your spouse’s whole
message?
…look at your spouse when he/she is
14
speaking?
…concentrate on your spouse’s meaning
15
rather than how he/she looks?
…know which words and phrases you tend to
16
respond to defensively or resentfully?
WEEK 3: Day 5 | 151

…think about what you want to accomplish

17
with your communication?
Most of Almost
the Time Never
…plan the best time to say what you want to
18
say?
…think about how your spouse might react to
19
what you say?
…consider the best way to communicate
20
(written, spoken, and/or the timing)?
…always care about your spouse’s emotional
condition when speaking to him/her (if
21
he/she is stressed, sad, worried, hostile,
disinterested, rushed, angry, etc.)?
…adjust your communication to your spouse’s
22
personality?
…assume that your spouse knows and
23 understands what you are communicating
or have communicated to him/her?
…allow your spouse to respectfully vent
24 negative feelings toward you without
becoming defensive?
…regularly make efforts to increase your
25
listening efficiency?
…take notes when necessary to help you
26
remember?
…listen closely without being distracted by
27
surroundings and/or children?
…listen to your spouse without judging or
28
criticizing?
…restate instructions and messages to be sure
29
you understand correctly?
…listen to your spouse with preconceived
30
assumptions or attitudes?
…take responsibility for your part in the
31 unloving communication by asking the
Lord and your spouse to forgive you?
152 | WEEK 3: Day 5

…discuss with your children any difficulties

32
you are having with your spouse?
Note: Make sure you complete both pages of this self-evaluation.
Effective Listening Self-Evaluation Scoring Index

Circle the number that represents the category you checked on each item of the Effective
Listening Self-Evaluation.
# Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never
1 1 2 3 4
2 4 3 2 1
3 1 2 3 4
4 4 3 2 1
5 4 3 2 1
6 4 3 2 1
7 4 3 2 1
8 1 2 3 4
9 1 2 3 4
10 1 2 3 4
11 4 3 2 1
12 4 3 2 1
13 1 2 3 4
14 4 3 2 1
15 4 3 2 1
16 4 3 2 1
17 4 3 2 1
18 4 3 2 1
19 4 3 2 1
20 4 3 2 1
21 4 3 2 1
22 4 3 2 1
23 1 2 3 4
24 4 3 2 1
25 4 3 2 1
26 4 3 2 1
27 4 3 2 1
28 4 3 2 1
29 4 3 2 1
30 1 2 3 4
WEEK 3: Day 5 | 153

31 4 3 2 1
32 1 2 3 4
Total
GRAND TOTAL ____________
(Examine your scores on the next page.)
110-120: Excellent Listener __________
99-109: Above Average Listener __________
88-98: Average Listener __________
77-87: Fair Listener __________
<77: Poor to Very Poor Listener __________
Please see Appendences in the back of the book for further help in developing your loving
communication, and therefore meeting each other’s Greatest Companionship Need—Love. We have also
included the “Effective Listening Self-Evaluation” (Appendix E) along with its companion worksheet,
“Improve Your Loving Communication Habits” (Appendix F) in the Appendences for your edification. This
should be used along with the self-evaluation worksheet when you see unloving communication being
exhibited.
Remember: a true disciple of Christ is not simply trying to acquire intellectual knowledge; a true
disciple invests himself/herself to learn and to live according to the principles God teaches in his Word.
Your investment in learning and living according to the principles God reveals to you through this
material will transform your life as God desires.
The Biblical Principles of Forgiveness and Reconciliation
• If you are struggling with understanding, and/or implementing a heart of forgivingness

toward those who have sinned against you, please study and follow the principles laid out
in “Trusting God in Your Marriage Means Practicing Forgiveness” workbook in the
Appendences, Appendix P. Understand that forgiveness is an act of the will, we must.
Unforgiveness toward anyone in your past (father, mother, a family member, or another
154 | WEEK 3: Day 5

person) or present (spouse, children) can contaminate other current and future
relationships (see Heb. 12:14-15). Forgiveness is the only weapon for removing the root of
bitterness or hurt that may be keeping us from trusting God. Once removed, we are no
longer held captive by it and are free to walk in the light of God’s Word. When you put your
trust in Christ and forgive another person, God can heal your heart and His grace is
sufficient to overcome your weakness, and bad habits and attitudes will be broken.
Breaking the Cycle of Unloving Communication
• “Breaking the Cycle of Unloving Communication” is also in the Appendences, Appendix G.

Complete these pages each time you have any unloving communication over the course of a
day. You will need to make copies before you begin so you both can practice this when
necessary. Pray and ask God to reveal the wrong thoughts or motives that provoked the
unloving communication you used toward your spouse, no matter how they treated you.
Follow steps on the last page, at the bottom of the worksheet, each time you demonstrate
unloving communication. God will enable you to respond in love to your spouse over time.
Remember, God blesses obedience.
WEEK 3: Day 5 | 155

Week 4: The Husband’s
Companionship Needs
WeeK 4: Day 1
Introduction
This week we will study the companionship needs of a man, or husband, and then next week we will find
out what a woman needs. The order in which we present our information is important, and always builds
on the previous studies. So, be sure you have a good grasp on those before you dig into this material. We
should already be familiar with the word “ministry” and how it applies to our marriages. Remember, we
are to be ministers in our homes, ministering to our spouses as Christ did and does minister to us. The
Godgiven responsibility of meeting each other’s companionship needs is a ministry, meant to
communicate love and glorify God.
As you learn to apply God’s truth to your life, a transformation will take place in your thoughts and
behavior. This is the miracle of being obedient to God’s Word, which is not always easy, but always yields
the fruit of righteousness. This obedience must precede transformation, no other way to succeed at this,
but you will find yourselves meeting each other’s deepest needs, which is deeply fulfilling. And when we
refer to God’s Word, believe with all your heart that this is the only basis for building and maintaining
your strong foundation – a personal relationship to Jesus Christ. This is essential because it is the only
place where we can receive God’s blessing and power to enable us to fulfill His will and purpose.
We have already learned about a companionship need common to both husband and wife, our greatest
need, which LOVE. On this topic, keep 1 Corinthians 13 and all the points describing the way God wants
us to love one another fresh in your mind. Refer to this passage often as you seek to build unconditional
love between you and your spouse. Note to husbands: as the leader of your home, and with the
responsibility of loving your wife as Christ loves the Church, learn this section of scripture thoroughly.
Remember, you are representing God and His truth to your wife and children.
Companionship Needs are God-Given

Husbands and wives have companionship needs that are unique to each, as male and female. These
needs are universal, placed within us by God, and the Bible is the only proper source of information on
156 | WEEK 4: Day 1

WeeK 4: THe HUSbaND’S COMPaNIONSHIP NeeDS
ministering to one another for the purpose of fulfilling them. We are beginning our study in Ephesians,
5:22-23, with those needs that are specific to men. Why men first? Simply because the scripture teaches
in that order, with instruction to women on how to meet a man’s companionship needs.
As we study this material, it is important to consider that God created the union of marriage and, in
doing so, had and still does have a plan and purpose for men and women in marriage. Contrary to
common perspective, marriage does not exist to fulfill our selfish expectations and desires. For example,
couples in counseling usually begin with a list of what they are not getting out of the relationship and
why that makes them very unhappy. This is because most of us start out with no concept of what it
means to love one another God’s way. Marriage is a good thing, created by God for our benefit and
pleasure, but this only results as we commit ourselves to fulfilling His will and purposes.
Most people are ignorant of this foundational truth: God is the author and designer of marriage. Do you
know that one of the main purposes of your marriage is to bring glory to God? Misunderstandings about
the purpose of marriage, the definition of real love, are often the source of great discontentment and
disappointment, the reason many are not experiencing the fullness of blessing that God designed for this
relationship. As a counselor, I see the problems that result from having a selfish perspective. We must do
this God’s way or we certainly will be unfulfilled, no exceptions.

Through your relationship to Christ, the great Shepherd, God can do a work in you. What is that work,
and what are the goals?
make you complete in every good work to do His will, working in you what is well pleasing
in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever, amen.”
In John 17:17, Jesus prays this for His disciples, “Sanctify them by Your truth. Your word is truth.” To
sanctify means to make holy and separate from sin, resulting in a life devoted to God. This Scripture
shows the importance of God’s Word in accomplishing anything according to His will, or as a standard for
WEEK 4: Day 1 | 157

evaluating what is right and wrong, which includes how we behave within our marriages. b Self-
Examination 1
During Week Two, we learned that success comes from having a strong foundation; an abiding
relationship with Jesus, through time in God’s Word and prayer. This is the only way to know God’s will
and receive the power and grace to succeed in our ministry of marriage. At this time, how would you
describe your devotional life? If it has not been consistent, confess to God and set a plan to get it right.
People are here on earth to fulfill God’s will, even though some reject Him and some receive His gift of
salvation in Christ. And so it is even among believers; we can choose to follow God’s instructions or be
disobedient. However, if we understand that the path to joy and blessing comes only from Him, then
does it not make sense that in all areas of our life we need to be looking to the Lord and saying, “What is
it that you want me to do?” And we will not be doing His will in our own strength, God promises to
provide the power to accomplish whatever that is. The scripture says, in 2 Peter 1:4, that there “have
been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of
the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.” No matter how foolish
and/or selfish you have been in your past, God can and will overcome it all. When the Bible says
something and we do not believe it, we are actually calling God a liar (ouch).
As husband and wife, God has a plan and purpose for each of you. He has called you to Himself, to bless
you with His promises, and when you look to Him, into His Word, He will guide and provide you with
power. The same almighty power that raised Jesus from the dead is at your disposal to accomplish
everything God asks of you.
158 | WEEK 4: Day 1

Ephesians 1:19–20, “and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who
believe, according to the working of His mighty power which He worked in Christ when He
raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places.”
Even Christian couples come into counseling feeling hopeless, filled with resentment. They do not realize
that they have slipped into self-pity, which is denying the power of God. God does not cheat his own
children, but has provided all for their success, “as His divine power has given to us all things that
pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue” (2 Pet 1:3).
The problem lies with us. A selfish or ignorant outlook never glorifies God, never produces victory.
Christians are shocked to learn that the divorce rate among believers, since 1997, has equaled that of
those couples outside the faith. We must gain the confidence that God can and will provide us with the
knowledge and the power to succeed in marriage. God wants to be glorified in His children, created the
union of marriage to bring glory to Himself. If God created marriage as a blessing for His children and to
glorify Him, what has gone wrong?
Companionship Defined
Within a marriage, two people unite as companions.
Fact File
Companion: one who has accompanied, or is in company, with another; a spouse, an
associate, an interest of some special relationship as a spouse, or comrade.
This overview brings to mind the meaning and potential pleasure of being in such a union with another
person. The shocking truth, lost to so many, is that our success does not come from within us. True
fulfillment only comes from knowing and following God’s specific information on how to meet one
another’s companionship needs, which is only found in His Word. b Self-Examination 2

Take a moment and write out your current reflections on the above statements. Be honest.
WEEK 4: Day 1 | 159

We have said that God created marriage, which is the key to finding and unlocking the mystery of love.
As the Bible is the source of God’s written truth, we look to it for what we seek, which is an
understanding of the purpose of marriage and how to meet one another’s deepest needs. When
researching doctrine on a certain subject, it is very important to start at the beginning, which is Genesis,
the first book of the Old Testament. After man had been created by God and received the breath of life
(Gen. 2:7), He was placed in the Garden of Eden to tend and keep it (v. 17). God observed and soon
decided that Adam, as He had named his man, did not have a companion, a helper comparable to him,
and this was not good in His eyes. God saw all else as good (cf. 1:4, 10, 12, 18, 21, 25), but Adam alone
was not good. Something to consider: God could have created Adam and Eve at the same time, but He
wanted Adam to acknowledge, or feel the need for a companion, resulting in greater blessing and
appreciation for the woman. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains
favor from the Lord.”
Genesis 2:18, “And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that a man should be alone. I will
make him a helper comparable to him.’”
Fact File
Helper: Ezer (Hebrew), refers to aid or assistance that is given…indicates persons who give
help: the woman created as Adam’s complementary helper (Gen. 2:18, 20); the word also
refers to the Lord as Israel’s help (Hos. 13:9); the Lord as Israel’s chief Helper (Ex. 18:4;
Deut. 33:7; Ps. 33:20; 115:9–11).29
One author writes concerning this passage in Genesis:
“God’s provision of a wife for Adam is a concrete example of God’s knowing what is good
for man. Companionship replaced isolation. For companionship to be satisfying, however,
there must be oneness in the marriage (cf. 1:26–27). Self-centered living destroys oneness
and companionship.”30
29 Warren Baker and Eugene E. Carpenter, The Complete Word Study Dictionary: Old Testament (Chattanooga, TN: AMG
Publishers, 2003), 822.
30 Tom Constable, Tom Constable’s Expository Notes on the Bible (Galaxie Software, 2003), Ge 2:18.
160 | WEEK 4: Day 1

Both husbands and wives need to embrace God’s pattern and the importance of meeting each other’s
companionship needs.
Comparable – who is suitable, corresponding to him, a companion.
This is God’s first step in the creation of marriage. If God is your creator, does He know you? A “yes” or
“no” question. And does He know what is best for you?
Understanding this, it is foolish to look within ourselves to discover what we want and need to achieve
contentment. We are naturally self-motivated, and most of our information has come from worldly
sources that are opposite to God’s Word. We must look to the Bible as our source; God is our Creator
and He alone can be trusted to explain to us our unique companionship needs, and how to meet them.
God Defines Our Needs

As we learned from the scripture in Genesis, men and women are designed as companions, but each has
a distinctly different role in the marriage relationship. Only God can tell us what He designed us to give
and receive, as husbands or wives. He knows what we need.
Philippians 4:19, “And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches and glory
by Christ Jesus.”
Matthew 6:8, “…your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him.”
God knows our needs and provides for them, but he also has given us the right to choose for or against
His will. In light of His promises, does it make sense to reject God’s plan and fail to bless and be blessed
within our marriages?
The Bible says “God is love” (1 John 4:16), and more specifically this means that God loves you and me,
your wife and my wife, and so on. God loves you so much that He wants your spouse to become the
companion you need. God loves your spouse so much that He want you to be the one they need. You get
the picture. His needs are as important as yours, and vice versa. God is ready, willing and able to
transform you into the companion He designed you to be.
For example, God can guide my wife into being the companion He wants her to be for me, to suit my
unique personality and needs. The only one who can mess that up is my wife, not me. And the same
goes for me. God created my wife; He put those unique companionship needs in her, and He says, “Craig,
I love her so much, and I want to pour My grace into you, transform you into the man and the husband I
WEEK 4: Day 1 | 161

want you to be, to fulfill your wife’s companionship needs.” And the only one who can mess that up is
me. Do you believe that? If you don’t believe that, then what are you choosing to believe?
We have to be constantly challenged and checked in these spiritual points because many philosophies
and negative, demonic forces come against the truth, which God has actually put to us very plainly. We
can lapse into doubt and fear as we look at our failures from a worldly viewpoint, which is not what God
has designed for us.
Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path.” This
is a promise from almighty God.
So we believe that God created us male and female, with unique purposes and needs, and we must look
to His Word for direction. Approach with humility, admitting that God knows our natural bent toward sin
and selfishness, but he loves us still. It is normal, human to be skeptical, so let’s acknowledge that God’s
ways are not our ways, and affirm that He alone provides the truth that we need for life.
Isaiah 55:8–9, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says
the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your
ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.”
This scripture should bring great conviction; we cannot trust our own ways and what we think or feel
about our marriage relationship, or what is best for our spouse. It is like God is standing on one side of
the Grand Canyon and you on the other side, His thoughts and your thoughts so far apart; there is a
division between God and man’s understanding of marriage. This is why it is so important to get God’s
wisdom. We should also admit that our hearts are sinful and we NEED God to cleanse us.
Jeremiah 17:9–10, “The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; who
can know it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man
according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings.”
This means that we cannot say, “Okay, honey, this is what “I” want you to do for me, and then I’ll be
happy.” This is the way that we actually deceive ourselves! A couple came to me for counseling, and the
wife had a long list of expectations for her husband. We all started into it and at point five I said, “Are you
kidding? You think if he did all these things you would be happy?” She replied, “Well, I think I would.”
Wrong!
I had to tell that well-meaning lady, from the perspective of God’s word, “No, you wouldn’t be happy!
Your happiness does not come from your husband, but you have been deceived to believe that. You
162 | WEEK 4: Day 1

looked within your own heart to find all these things that he has to fulfill, to make you happy. You are
deceiving yourself and you’ll never find this happiness and fulfillment you are looking for. The only way
you’re going to find it is by surrendering to God and then you start doing God’s will for your husband.
Period.” That is the way God has designed marriage.
I know, at that point, she wasn’t real happy that she came to see me. Praise the Lord; it ended well
because she chose to receive God’s correction. Before that, her biggest problem was ignorance of God’s
will for the marriage relationship. And God does not want us to be ignorant; He has given us all the
information we need in His Word.
I have met many men who have made the same mistakes; selfish expectations that they placed upon
their wives, not met, which resulted in them acting grumpy, pouting, becoming isolated and angry, or
over committing themselves to activities outside the home. Men, within this chapter you are going to
learn what your unique companionship needs are, how God placed these needs within you, and how
your wife is to fulfill those needs. You will also learn how to work together, not measuring your wife’s
performance, but being patient, forgiving and encouraging. Remembering that you also are responsible
for meeting her unique needs. Sound like a challenge, some real work? It is. But this is what we call a
“win-win” situation. b Self-Examination 3

Take a few minutes and write down any lists or expectations that you have placed on your spouse. Take it
before the Lord, confess any bad behavior, and write out a prayer of commitment to change. Think of
proper, Godly ways to let your spouse know what you would like to change.
WEEK 4: Day 1 | 163


Jesus says “if…” and He uses Himself as an example. In the following scriptures, what is He asking you to
do, and what will be the result in your life?
John 15:10–11, “If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have
kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. “These things I have spoken to
you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.”
John 16:24, “Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive,
that your joy may be full.”
Many couples, even after being together twenty years or more, are still living according to their own
understanding, Christians included. Wondering why they feel empty, resigned or miserable, their
marriages bear no resemblance to God’s design. Along the way, many have split by following the
common deception that they can find what makes them happy somewhere else, just taking their
unsuccessful ideas with them. They may stay in a new relationship out of determination, or just be too
tired to try again, or launch on a path of destruction by “playing the field”. Remember what Jeremiah
17:9 says, “Your heart is desperately wicked and deceitful.” You can’t go out looking for what you want
and find real happiness. Think you’re depressed now? You’re really going to be depressed if you go out
that way; it’s an empty search. Husbands and wives, we must look to God; He created us, designed us to
be in relationship, and He is faithful, allpowerful and He is not a liar.
Christians beware, because even the church has become infected by worldly psychology, sometimes
peddling worldly teaching and philosophy about marriage. I have counseled believers who went to a
164 | WEEK 4: Day 1

“Christian” counselor and received guidance that was not based on Scripture, not supported by biblical
truth. When the church stops using God’s written word as their manual; the consequence will be failure
in the lives of their people.
What does God’s Word say about worldly philosophies?
Colossians 2:8, “Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit,
according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not
according to Christ.”
The Bible Knowledge Commentary makes some excellent observations concerning this text in Colossians:
The particular false philosophy at Colosse was “hollow” (kenēs, “empty”), “deceptive,”
and based on human tradition … rather than on Christ. True Christian philosophy “take[s]
captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5). Philosophy is the love
of wisdom, but if one loves wisdom that is not Christ (the Sum of all wisdom, Col. 2:3), he
loves an empty idol. Such a one will be “always learning but never able to acknowledge
the truth” (2 Tim. 3:7). This kind of philosophy is based on the world’s basic principles
(stoicheia, “elementary principles” or “elemental spirits” [rsv]; cf. Col. 2:20; Gal. 4:3, 9).
This may refer to the evil spirits who inspire such heresy and over whom Christ triumphed
(cf. 2 Cor. 4:3–4; Eph. 6:11–12). Such a philosophy is demonic and worldly, not godly or
Christ-like. Unless believers are careful, such philosophy may ensnare them, taking them
“captive.”31
A good question for each of us: “How do I feel within my marriage…empty, discouraged, hopeless, etc.?”
There are generally two reasons for failure: you know what God’s Word says and you have decided to
disobey it; or you are ignorant of God’s Word and therefore are missing out on His blessings. Many
problems arise because Christians do not know what the Bible says about marriage. The enemy and the
world can easily sway those who have a weak foundation and are lacking knowledge. That is why
discipleship is so important. The Bible encourages us, “that we should no longer be children, tossed to
and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning crafiness of
deceitful plotting”
31 Norman L. Geisler, “Colossians,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures, ed. J. F. Walvoord and
R. B. Zuck, vol. 2 (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985), 677.
WEEK 4: Day 1 | 165

(Eph. 4:14). When the wind of man’s doctrine or teaching comes along, we had better know what the
Bible says; we must no longer be children, but adults, in our understanding of God’s Word concerning
marriage.
WeeK 4: Day 2
biblical Companionship Needs
Our study is based entirely on Scripture; in Ephesians 5:21-33, we find clear teaching on our unique
companionship needs as husbands and wives. And as we begin, let us remember that success only
comes by way of obedience, by responding to the voice of the Holy Spirit, whom Jesus sent to dwell
within us, to teach and guide us into all truth.
Ephesians 5:18, “ And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with
the Spirit,”
One noted Christian author writes of the Holy Spirit:
Be filled with the Spirit. Thus a believer, rather than controlling himself, is controlled by
the Holy Spirit…and Christ is the Content of the filling (Col. 3:15). Thus in this relationship,
as a believer is yielded to the Lord (emphasis added) and controlled by Him, he
increasingly manifests the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22–23). 32
Here again we see the principle, “as we are yielded to the Lord” being a condition of our success. He is
our strong foundation, and it is through His power that we gain the ability to manifest the fruit of the
Spirit and accomplish God’s will.
In Ephesians 5:21, God says, “Submitting to one another in the fear of God.” Why does God want us to
grasp this first? Because He knows that we battle against selfishness, competitiveness, and a desire to
dominate one another. And this is not a dude thing, right guys? Women do it, too. The curse on Eve, after
she ate the apple, was to struggle with a desire to usurp the God-given authority of her husband (Gen
3:16c).
32 Harold W. Hoehner, “Ephesians,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures, ed. J. F. Walvoord
and R. B. Zuck, vol. 2 (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985), 640.
166 | WEEK 4: Day 2

After man and woman disobeyed God by exercising free will to eat of the tree of good and evil, they
would suffer the consequences of their rebellion. The curses resulting from the fall are recorded In
Genesis 3:16-19.
Genesis 3:16, “To the woman He said, ‘I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your
conception; in pain you shall bring forth children; your desire shall be for your husband,
and he shall rule over you.’ ”
The word desire in Genesis 3:16, also in Genesis 4:7, means a desire to dominate. The man has been
given authority over his wife, yet she would thereafter struggle to submit and, in fact, have a carnal
desire to not yield to her husband’s leadership.
And so, for women who struggle to submit, naturally wanting to dominate their husbands, usurp
authority, God can and will give you the grace and power to yield to His will. Verse 21 simply says,
“Submitting to one another in the fear of God.” Following the thought line, it is “declaring unequivocally
that every spirit-filled Christian is to be humble and submissive. This is foundational to our relationships;
no believer is inherently superior to any other believer. In our standing before God, we are equal in every
way (Gal 3:28).”33 This verse says that husband and wife are of equal value to the Lord, not to think of the
other’s needs as less important. This also gives us the foundation, “in the fear of God,” for our desire and
commitment to give to each other, to meet each other’s companionship needs as unto the Lord.
Proverbs 9:10, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the
Holy One is understanding.”
Again, it is essential that we realize our spouse’s needs are as important to God as our own. So imagine
the voice of God saying, “Before I show you your own unique companionship needs, I want you to realize
that you are responsible for meeting your spouse’s needs.” In God’s eyes, our responsibility is to meet
the needs of another. This is love, God’s way.
So, Ephesians 5:21 presents each of us with a challenge to submit to another person in obedience to
God. This indicates a willingness to perform the loving deeds that God has called us to as husband and
wife, yielding to His will regardless of how we “feel”. God is not only using us to sharpen and bless our
spouse spiritually, but will use our obedience to transform us into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ,
which is His will for every believer.
This is the definition of a disciple; our greatest desire is to follow Christ as God transforms us into His
image. You may be a Christian, but a disciple is determined to be obedient to what God puts before them
33 John MacArthur Jr., ed., The MacArthur Study Bible, electronic ed. (Nashville, TN: Word Pub., 1997), 1813.
WEEK 4: Day 2 | 167

to do. I see people in counseling all the time who really do not have the desire to do God’s will. I give
them homework and clear direction, to go through the lesson and fill out the blanks, answering the
questions. They return with not even one day’s work completed! So I say, “Let me pull out my magic
wand,” and I pull out a pencil, saying, “Let me wave this over your head and let me make everything all
better.” God won’t do by miracle what He’s called you to do by obedience. Until you surrender and say,
“Okay, God, I really want to examine myself, to see if I am fulfilling Your will, and I “desire” to obey,” your
marriage will never change.
It is important to note that mutual cooperation is best, but we must always keep our eyes on God and
not on our spouse. Remember, you are responsible for your own obedience, not your spouse’s. It is not
unusual for one spouse to be more dedicated to change than the other. There are many times when one,
either a husband or wife, has determined to obey God which has resulted in the other spouse eventually
changing for the better. It takes somebody to make that decision. The motive to fulfill our duty as
husbands and wives should be to please the Lord, not ourselves.

How is the relationship between Jesus and the Father similar to ours? What did Jesus do to attain such a
relationship, and how can that apply to your life?
John 8:29, “And He who sent Me is with Me. The Father has not lef Me alone, for I always
do those things that please Him.””
What should be the motivation for obedience in your relationship to God? How can you relate this to
your marriage, attitude toward your spouse? If possible, pick a specific area of challenge, and decide
how to better please God with your behavior.
2 Corinthians 5:9, “Therefore we make it our aim, whether present or absent, to be well
pleasing to Him.”
168 | WEEK 4: Day 2

1 Thessalonians 4:1 “ Finally then, brethren, we urge and exhort in the Lord Jesus that you
should abound more and more, just as you received from us how you ought to walk and to
please God;”
Hebrews 11:5 “ By faith Enoch was taken away so that he did not see death, “and was not
found, because God had taken him”; for before he was taken he had this testimony, that
he pleased God.”
A warning along the way: if you lapse into looking for a return on your investment of obedience and
service to your spouse, then you are becoming selfishly motivated and will experience what we call the
three D’s: Discouraged, Depressed, and Despondent. Do you recognize any of these feelings? Then get
back to obedience, expecting your reward from God. Remember, God is not a liar and He will bless you
as an obedient disciple apart from your husband’s or wife’s behavior. b Self-Examination 4

Has God used this information to reveal any selfish expectations or sinful responses toward your spouse?
If so, confess it below and ask God to help you stop.
WEEK 4: Day 2 | 169

a Man’s Companionship Needs

Now, let’s look further at Ephesians 5:22-24, and 33, to learn about the unique companionship needs
that God has placed within a man, or husband. God has designed marriage such that the woman, or
wife, is the one to pour into a man, her husband, all the encouragement and support that is necessary to
meet his inborn, companionship needs. Remember, men do not invent these needs, they are placed in
them by God. This is why there are scriptures warning that when we refuse to meet the needs of a
spouse, we open our marriages to trouble and temptation.
Ephesians 5:22-24, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord, for the husband
is head of the wife as also Christ is head of the Church, and He is the Savior of the Body.
Therefore, just as the Church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands
in everything.” (verse 33 adds) “And let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Do you see any words in these passages of Scripture that make many women today cringe? Submit,
head, subject, everything, respect!
Fact File
Submit: hupotasso (Greek), which is defined as a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating,
assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden.
Notice that this passage doesn’t simply say “submit,” but it adds “as to the Lord.” Ouch! And then it
specifies, “…just as the Church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in
everything.” Submit to their husbands in how many things? Ladies, in everything, everything! Not some
things, but everything. And the scripture here also commands, “Wives, see that you respect your
husband.” This means that you need to treat him with high and special regard. b Self-
Examination 5
Now, ladies, check yourselves to see how you are reacting to this. Are you thinking that he does not
deserve it, only deserves it at times, that you will become a doormat and somehow this doesn’t seem
fair,
or right?  Yes  No
If yes, confess and ask God for faith to trust Him. Identify your concerns and ask for an obedient heart,
specific wisdom to heal your unbelief.
170 | WEEK 4: Day 2

Wives, who put these needs in your husband? God. Did He make a mistake? NO! I know sometimes it
seems that way, and that sometimes God asks to do things that seem impossible or unfair. But
remember, we live in a society that questions whether life is fair, and often rejects God’s Word as
especially unjust and unfair. We bring this mindset into our marriages believing our situation is “unfair”
or “unjust” when it is really God’s will, and the change that is really needed is our commitment to trust
and obey Him. Life will seem unfair if we focus on ourselves, look within ourselves to decide what we
need for fulfillment. Apart from God’s perspective, we will always feel cheated because the flesh can
never be satisfied. When we keep His commandments, we abide in His love and have joy.
John 15:10–11, “If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have
kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. “These things I have spoken to
you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.”
Remember, God is the creator-designer, and He alone writes the instruction manual. Your husband does
not understand why he has these specific needs, and why he feels unfulfilled when his wife is not
treating him properly. Most men are not able to articulate their needs but, after reading this, they will be
able to define them. And men, when you do get clarity, you need to be able to lovingly tell your wife
what is missing.
So ladies, are we clear that fair and unfair is not the standard for our obedience, but we obey God out of
a heart of faith and love toward Him? You may be insecure about submitting yourself to this man in your
life, but really you are submitting to the Lord. And when you do that, God will always honor your faithful
obedience. And let’s set aside the word “happy” for now. Many saints have obeyed God and been very
unhappy at times. When we read about Jesus’ life, certainly His immediate happiness was not the goal of
His actions. And this same principle is obvious in the lives of the disciples, and in the life of the apostle
Paul. The Bible says that Paul was stoned, left for dead (Acts 14:19), and went right back to ministering
for the Lord. In 2 Corinthians 11:23-30, Paul lists his suffering and disasters, without any complaining.
WEEK 4: Day 2 | 171

I don’t get that, but I want to get that. How does this culture look upon suffering today? In a very
negative and demeaning way. But this is not the life of a believer as described in the scriptures; we
actually grow better and stronger as we suffer for Christ. The Bible says that when we are weak, His
grace is sufficient for us because His strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Cor. 12:9-10). As
disciples of Jesus Christ, we are not to let the world’s opinion and their practices dictate what we believe
and what we do.

What do the following Scriptures say about trails and suffering, and what they produce in our lives? This
is a general principle for both husbands and wives.
Romans 5:3–4, “ And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that
tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.”
James 1:2–4, “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that
1 Peter 1:6–7, “ In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you
have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more
precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor,
and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,”
172 | WEEK 4: Day 2

Psalm 119:67–68, “Before I was afflicted I went astray, But now I keep Your word. You are
good, and do good; Teach me Your statutes.”
Psalm 119:71–72, “It is good for me that I have been afflicted, That I may learn Your
statutes. The law of Your mouth is better to me Than thousands of coins of gold and
silver.”
Psalm 119:75–76, “I know, O Lord, that Your judgments are right, And that in faithfulness
You have afflicted me. Let, I pray, Your merciful kindness be for my comfort, According to
Your word to Your servant.”
4 Action Plan 1
Take a moment, ask God for the faith to trust Him in times of suffering. You can tell Him how you feel,
your fears, talk to Him honestly and openly. In the Psalms, David poured his heart out to God, and God
especially loved David because of this humility.
WEEK 4: Day 2 | 173

There may be specific obstacles that keep a woman from wanting to submit to her husband. In general,
we hear of men’s selfish and ignorant choices that have hurt daughters, wives, and women in general:
molestation, rape, violence, abandonment, disrespect and cruelty from fathers, brothers, uncles,
neighbors or boyfriends. If this is you, struggling with being vulnerable and submitting to a man, then
this information may be causing you some panic or fear. Perhaps you cannot even imagine being able or
even wanting to be the wife God is telling you to be. Maybe your father misrepresented God, hurt you
and/or hurt your mom, brothers or sisters, and that has deeply affected your thinking. And so you marry
a man, and realize he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Your heart is hurting and you say to yourself, “I’ll be
darned if I’m going to submit unto this fool.” You are identifying with old hurts and so you are struggling
with hostility and selfprotection instead of trusting God, being vulnerable, and affirming your husband’s
leadership.
Do you find yourself lashing out in anger, insults when your husband tries to lead in any way? You may
bethinking, “He’s trying to control me.” I have seen hundreds of women like this. If you have never dealt
with your past hurts, never said, “God, I need to find healing and forgiveness because I am struggling to
trust You. I can’t trust my husband. I can’t trust him to lead. Lord I am not sure I can trust You with this.”
This is not always a disobedience issue, but often times due to a past that has not been dealt with
biblically.
Ladies, those who are thinking, “Oh, he’s so talking to me right now,” you must go back over your past.
Find out where you need to seek healing, who you need to forgive. The only alternative is to live in a
sinful state of bitterness and inability to trust, which will infect everyone around you.
Hebrews 12:14–15, “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will
see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of
bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;”
The hurts that others have caused us can become strongholds and chains that hinder our Christian walk,
until we heal by forgiving. You must apply the antidote of forgiveness to your past. If you see yourself
here, go to Appendix P: “Trusting God in your Marriage Means Practicing Forgiveness” and follow the
principles laid out for you. God’s plan for a wife is that she first put her trust in Him. This means yielding
174 | WEEK 4: Day 2

to His plan for fulfilling her husband’s companionship needs. It is not our traditions, cultural norms,
ethnic traits, past hurts, or even the way our parents lived that are to guide us. It must be God’s Word.
4 Action Plan 2
Write out a prayerful commitment to go through the material on forgiveness and reconciliation, if
needed. Follow through on every point where action is required. A bitter woman will, without intention,
tear down her own house.
WEEK 4: Day 2 | 175

WeeK 4: Day 3
beware of Worldly Influence
As you read the following, ask yourself if you have been letting your thinking and behavior fall under the
influence of the worldly philosophies, and how it may have infected your marriage. Many people in
counseling say, “Well, in my culture (meaning ethnic background), this is the way we do it.” Or, “As a
_______ (you fill in your ethnic background) the woman has no say in the home, or the woman does all
the training of the children.” I respond with, “Well, are you a Christian?” “Yes.” “Well then, for this issue
you must put your cultural beliefs aside, because they are in direct conflict with the Word of God.” Many
times, cultural beliefs are preferences with no moral implications and it is totally fine to practice them;
however, when a cultural belief is contrary to the Bible, it becomes a moral conflict, which is sin. We
must “ALWAYS” check our beliefs about marriage and family with God’s Word.
Cultural Influences
Our culture, or the “philosophies and principles of this world”, is all around us. The wisdom of the world
comes via the media (books, TV, movies, magazines, and internet, just to name a few), or often through
education and peer pressure. Any of these can influence us to view marriage and family through the lens
of the world. Beliefs and philosophies get so ingrained that we actually believe that “this is the truth, this
is the way I am supposed to operate my marriage,” until we compare it to the Word of God.
Religious Traditions
I would like to mention that there are many religious teachings about marriage and parenting that have
become traditions. Something like, “In our religion we have always done it this way.” My prayer is that
everyone would be like the Christians in Berea, who after hearing the teaching of Paul, “searched the
Scriptures daily to find out whether these things were so” (Acts 17:11). Do not blindly take anyone else’s
word on truth, not even mine, but open the Word and verify that it is true. Jesus had to deal with
religious leaders who preferred to live their lives according to the traditions that dominated the religious
culture in which they were raised. We see now that by stubbornly refusing to give up those ideas taught
to them by men, they eventually rejected the Savior who came to save them.
176 | WEEK 4: Day 3

Traditions of Men
Traditions are those beliefs and behaviors that are passed down from one person to another, one
generation to another. Parents give children bad marriage advice using their own life as the standard. As
Christians, we all have to make tough decisions when it comes to following Christ; when the Word of God
is your standard, you must always honor God and His Word above all others, including your parents. We
have many philosophies and ideas of past and current psychologists and authors published on the topic
of marriage. Some of these have become the main current of thought on marriage and parenting. For
example, men like Freud are still considered a viable source of information on life and living. Many of
these people were not personally successful, never attained fulfillment themselves. Never follow advice
not substantiated by God’s Word. Jesus gave a sound warning on this topic.
Mark 7:9, 13, “All too well you reject the commandment of God that you may keep your
tradition…making the word of God of no effect through your tradition which you have
handed down. And many such things you do.”
God had given the Jews instructions for living, but their religious leaders had altered, twisted and added
to His words until they were subjecting the people to man-made rules, or principles, not truth. By doing
this, they made God’s Word of no effect. In this context, the Pharisees were saying that they could not
take care of their parents financially because the money was “corban”, a sacrificial gift to God. In reality,
they were justifying greed, saving the money for their own purposes. This shows how deceitful our
hearts can be, that we may spiritualize, or put our own twist on the Scriptures to suit our own purposes.
Jesus said, “…in vain they worship Me teaching as doctrines the commandments of men” (Mark 7:7). No
word or deed goes unnoticed by the Lord.
Biblical Traditions
There are traditions to which we should hold tightly. Paul told the church at Thessalonica, “Therefore,
brethren, stand fast and hold the traditions which you were taught, whether by word or our epistle” (2
Thess. 2:15). Paul was saying stand firm and hold onto the biblical truths that had been given to them by
the apostles through their preaching and letters. We must all hold tightly to the truth.
We cannot let any other relationship cause us to compromise the truth in Christ, no matter how it may
look to others. And as Christians, we will sometimes be considered strange when we follow biblical
principles that are contrary to the world’s viewpoint.
1 Peter 4:4, “In regard to these, they think it strange that you do not run with them in the
same flood of dissipation, speaking evil of you.”
We should look strange, because we are strangers, aliens to the world, and God’s Word now dictates and
governs everything we do.
WEEK 4: Day 3 | 177

Ephesians 2:12, “…that at that time you were without Christ, being aliens from the
commonwealth of Israel and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope
and without God in the world.”
Are you in any way following culture or religious traditions that do not agree with the Word of God? Is it
affecting your marriage? Take some time and discuss this section as husband and wife, write down what
you learned from each section above.
Jesus’ Perspective on Family

Jesus warned against putting the ideas or influence of anyone before God’s when He said, “ If anyone
comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and
his own life also, he cannot be My disciple” (Luke 14:26).
Jesus is not saying that to love Him you must hate your spouse, children and other family members.
Rather,if it comes to a choice of doing something God’s way or our parents’ way, or the world’s, or our
own way, we must choose God’s way. The word translated in this verse as “hate” actually means “love
less”; our love for God, His Word, and what He desires is to be greater than any other commitment.
Obeying Christ at all costs is the nature of a true disciple. In Christ’s day, Jews who chose to follow Christ,
publicly identify as his disciples, were shunned and punished. This is happening all over the world today,
to those who choose Christ.
If we disobey God and choose to love Him less, there are consequences. First, peace disappears, then joy,
then contentment and eventually the spiritual fruit; the fruit of the Spirit, which is love, will not be
flowing from you, but the fruit of your flesh. And let me ask you, how good is that fruit? Is it rotten flesh?
Remember, the Bible says that all our pretend righteousness is as filthy rags to God.
178 | WEEK 4: Day 3

Isaiah 64:6, “But we are all like an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are like filthy
rags; We all fade as a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.”
Nothing good comes out of us, not one good thing. And when we find ourselves in this situation, when
we are miserable and depressed and we have all this junk spewing out of us, what do we naturally do as
humans? We blame others for our bad attitudes and bad behavior, as if our reaction is normal and
justified under such horrible pressure!
Husbands and wives both do it. Look at Adam and Eve; God entered the garden after they ate the
forbidden fruit, pulled Adam aside, “Adam, what happened?” What were the first words out of Adam’s
mouth? “It’s the woman You gave me.” He tried to blame God! And his wife! It is our sin nature;
husbands and wives typically blame the other person for their misery. I see it all the time in counseling
sessions; people in sin, doing it their own way according to their own understanding, not knowing or
following God’s instruction, and they are miserable! If you let your eyes be filled with your spouse’s
failures, you will never see clearly.
You must see your own sin, repent, and follow God in obedience.
God tells us over and over, “Trust my way, not leaning on your own understanding. Peace and joy comes
from Me,” As in not from another person, not your husband, not your wife, not from within you. And
you are in sin when you are doing it your own way, and you will be miserable because He loves you too
much to let you be happy. God says He disciplines every one of His children, because of His perfect love
for us (Heb. 12:5-6). And that first sign of discipline is loss of peace, joy and contentment, and depression
follows. And then the fruit of our flesh really begins to bloom. Rather than continuing to blame, the only
solution is to seek God and be willing to examine yourself. We must stop examining our spouse’s fruit,
and look at our own!
Have you been focused on and or blaming your spouse for your unhappiness? If so, write out a prayerful
confession to God, asking Him to reveal your sin and change you.
WEEK 4: Day 3 | 179

So, with the laying aside of other philosophies and getting rid of the blame game, are we ready to dig
into what God has to say? We were discussing the companionship needs of a husband, which are
logically couched within God’s instructions for a wife. God tells all wives: submit as unto the Lord; that
your husband is head; be subject to your husband in everything; respect and honor your husband. What
does all that mean for daily life?
The Work of Submission: affirming Your Husband

Do you feel that your husband does not know how to lead, and the past is full of his mistakes? It is
understandable, from a human perspective, that you would have doubts about submitting to this man,
really trusting God to put yourself under his authority. The Bible describes how this looks, the nature of a
submissive woman.
1 Peter 3:1-6, “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your husbands, that even if some do not
obey the Word, they, without a word, may be won by your conduct of their wives, when
they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let the adornment be
merely outward,” (that is what everyone else sees) “by arranging your hair and wearing
gold and putting on fine apparel, rather, let it be the hidden person of your heart with the
incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is very precious in the sight of God.
For in this manner, in the former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned
themselves, being submissive to their own husbands as Sarah obeyed. Abraham, calling
him, ‘Lord,’ whose daughter you are, IF you do good and are not afraid with any terror.”
Notice these verses are directed to women with husbands who are not obeying the Word. There are no
specifics about the disobedience, but instruction to the wife is quite specific – continue to be submissive.
This verse definitely covers a wife’s potential to influence an unbelieving husband toward fellowship with
the Lord (“may be won”). A wife’s power is in her conduct and attitude, not words (“without a word”,
v.1). Put your trust in God, surrender to His will as a wife, and He will do the work. I have counseled
many couples where one is an unbelieving spouse and/or disobedient to the Word, and it is not easy.
God promises blessing, but does not promise an easy road. We sometimes miss the verses that speak of
self-denial, the cross, and denying one’s life in order to follow Jesus (Matt 16:24-25).
When your husband makes a foolish choice or bad decision, and you disagree, believe that God disagrees
(“even if some do not obey the word”, v.1), the natural tendency is to debate and argue until you win him
to your perspective. I say natural because, after the curse, wives have been plagued with a desire to rule
over their husbands (Gen 3:16c). The Bible says to win a husband over “without a word” (v.1). It is one
thing to say, “Honey here is another way to look at it, but I will follow your leadership and your decision,”
180 | WEEK 4: Day 3

but totally different to debate and/or manipulate with bitter anger, defensive threats, and non-affirming
behavior like sarcasm, criticism, pouting, and rejection, just to name a few. A Christian wife is to be
praying for her husband to be a godly leader and/or to be saved, trusting that God is meanwhile looking
at her as his daughter, and caring for her.
Wives, God’s goal is that your husband “may be won”? In the context of 1 Peter 3:1-6, He is revealing His
design, so that the husband “may” be won. Notice, this is not a promise, but a pathway on which God
can work through you to bring your husband to Himself. Also, notice there is no time limit on following
His plan. During my years as a counselor, I have seen countless marriages on the verge of divorce, papers
already filed, which totally turn around when husband and wife follow God’s plan. I have witnessed
husbands being saved, those already believers inspired to learn and grow spiritually, and restoration for
the entire family. God is so good!
Wives be encouraged; God’s plan is that husbands “may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they
observe your chaste conduct” (1 Pe.t 3:1c-2a). To observe means to look upon, to behold and
contemplate.34 Reviewing what we have learned, God created woman to be the helpmate, and a
husband will know (by observing, contemplating, and looking upon his wife’s conduct), whether she is
supporting him. Chaste conduct means abstaining from all behaviors toward your husband that are
contrary to God’s will. One writer says that a wife may have “things in her conduct and temper which
would mar the beauty of her piety, and prevent any happy influence on the mind of her husband.” 35 In
other words, a wife has great influence upon her husband, either leading him toward God, or away.
So, how does a wife accomplish this obedience? It starts in the heart; 1 Pet.3:3 speaks of a woman’s
natural concern for her hair, jewelry, and apparel (today we would add make-up), which is OK in the
proper perspective. (The late J. Vernon McGee, noted pastor, said, “If the barn needs painting, paint it.”),
But God, in verse 4, defines real beauty and feminine character as, “rather let it be the hidden person of
the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of
God.” God wants us to renew our minds (Eph. 4:23), and strengthen the inner person (Eph. 3:16), for out
of our hearts spring the issues of life (Prov. 4:23,) and our actions (Matt. 15:18-19).
As a wife, please explain in your own words what “very precious in the sight of God” means, in 1 Peter
3:4?
34 Zohiates, 646.
35 Albert Barnes, Notes on the New Testament: James to Jude, ed. Robert Frew (London: Blackie & Son, 1884-885), 157.
WEEK 4: Day 3 | 181

Please note that God is watching; when a wife behaves properly, it is “very precious” in God’s sight (1 Pet
3:4). God wants a woman to know that if her heart is gentle (meek, mild, and forbearing), and she has a
quiet spirit (tranquil, undisturbed), and is willing to submit, that this is of great value to Him. God created
woman for a specific relationship to man and when she takes the role of wife/helpmate, and is willing to
submit to His perfect plan, God is blessed by her heart and desire to glorify Him. When we speak of
glorifying God, this does not mean the boastful or egotistical desire of a controlling deity, it is to reveal a
God who
182 | WEEK 4: Day 3

IS love, to show that He only has our good in His thoughts at all times, and is waiting to bless His
creatures by knowing them more intimately as time passes.
WeeK 4: Day 4
Women: Guard Your Hearts
Women, you must guard your hearts because you are bombarded with magazines, so-called Christian
books, TV programs, radio stations, counselors, misguided churches, all suggesting that you deprioritize
your husband. Many sitcoms make men out to be blabbering, self-centered, selfish idiots. Now, I know
men can be that way, but this image is a poison from the pit of hell that is infecting our culture, and we
call it entertainment. Actually, most of our programing on TV is Satan’s church. If you are watching these
sitcoms, I encourage you to turn them off and never return.
Romans 1:32, “who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such
things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice
them.”
God wants you to use the powerful influence He has given you, as a wife, to help your husband believe
that God has anointed him as a leader. Believe that God will give him all that he needs to grow, and to
learn how to do it right. You are to look for ways to affirm him, encourage him. Period. And do not treat
your husband with less importance than the kids, the house, the animals, your career, or any other
interests in your life. So many men say, “Yes, I’m on my wife’s priority list, but feel like I’m number 6, or
7.” And let me tell you, next to God, tending to your husband should be your second priority (Eph. 6:22).
You cannot alter God’s perfect plan and not expect Him to bring discipline. And we certainly cannot
expect blessing for disobedience. Guaranteed, if your husband feels undervalued, he may react in a
negative way. And if you are treating him poorly, where is the blessing and pleasure of your marriage, of
having a loving companion?
Historically, there has been much confusion on what God really means by male headship, or leadership.
Every culture faces the challenge of understanding and following God’s true intentions in scripture.
Remember that it is only when we twist and make His truth follow our own desires that it becomes
perverted. Pastor Skip Heitzig, in a message titled “Homemaker or Home Breaker”, gives some historical
background on the family in times of the first century church, showing how cultural influences can creep
into our lives.
WEEK 4: Day 4 | 183

In the ancient world, 2000 years ago in the Roman and Greek, or “Greco Roman Culture”, there
were two extremes in the family. On one hand, you had male chauvinism.
On the other hand, you had Pagan feminism. Both were strong forces. Okay, by and large,
men 2000 years ago where autocratic. Roman men could be tyrants, because there was
actually a law that was written for the Roman man called the “Patria Potestas” or the
absolute rule of the husband/father, meaning he was in complete charge of the lives and
the affairs of his family.
This seems impossible to us, that people could justify living like this. But we need to realize that anything
can happen when we are ignoring God and His Word. Pastor D.L. Moody, a renowned preacher now with
the Lord, has shared an experience showing what can happen when we truly follow God’s instruction.
Moody was approached by a lady after church who said, “You know, Pastor, my husband is not a believer.
He drinks, he cusses, and I’ve done everything you could imagine to get him to church, and he won’t
come. I’ve done everything.” She went on and on, all the things she’s tried to do, 99 percent ungodly.
And so he directed her to the scriptures from 1 Peter and said, “I want you to go home and do this.”
The next morning she arose early instead of staying in bed, cooked him breakfast and made him a great
lunch. This went on for several weeks, and then she started preparing fish for dinner, which she hated,
but he loved it. This continued and one day she said to her husband, “Honey, the church is holding
special meetings on Wednesday nights for the next couple of weeks. Can I go?” And her husband looked
at her and said, “You’re asking me? When have you ever asked permission to go to church? She replied,
“Well, it’s the middle of the week, and I just wanted to ask you.”
So a week passed, and her husband came home from work, and showered and dressed in his good
clothes. She says, “What are you doing?” He says, “I’m going out.” She says with suspicion, “What do
you mean you’re going out?” And he says, “Any man who can get my wife to change this much is worth
hearing!”
She tried everything in her own way, but when she followed God’s Word, her husband changed. We need
our wives to affirm us, NOT remind us of our failures. We need to know that they believe, not just in us,
but in the power of God to change us into the husband that He desires us to be. Wives, if your conduct
and attitude does not reflect this, then not only are you not fulfilling your husband’s companionship
need as a man, you are also rebelling against God. Are you using your tongue, your actions, to condemn
your husband, or to bless and affirm. Remember, the Bible says that the goodness of God is what leads
us to repentance.
184 | WEEK 4: Day 4

It is important to mention here that neither God nor we condone abuse in any form. If physical or
verbal abuse is present, seek appropriate help. Intervention or counseling is recommended.
On this subject, as a counselor I have heard many women say, “I just can’t take the abuse. No matter
what I tell him to do, he just won’t listen to me, he will not do it.” This is not abuse! Trials are not abuse.
Remember, God uses other people, especially our spouses, to challenge and perfect us, to reveal our
own sinfulness. God uses difficult situations in your marriage to change you and give you the opportunity
to look at yourself, not blame your husband for a bad attitude. Until you take ownership of it, until you
ask God to forgive you, and you tell your husband, “I’m sorry,” you are not going to change.
Is this information outdated?

I have heard it said, “Hey, we are in the 21 st century and things have changed, so we need to update the
Bible to fit our times.” The Bible has proven itself to be the source of truth in every century and culture,
including ours. It never becomes outdated.
Just to illustrate that the concept of a husband’s leadership and wife’s submission does not change over
time, I would like to refer you back to the above scripture (1 Pet 3:1-7), using Abraham and Sarah as an
example. When Peter wrote this letter, it was about AD 64, and here we are about 2,000 years later. In
chapter 3:1-7, he covers the subject of husbands and wives. Peter encourages wives to be submissive to
their husbands (3:1-4), and then uses the story of Abraham and Sarah to illustrate his point, “For in this
manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive
to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do
good and are not afraid with any terror” (1 Pt. 3:5–6).
Abraham and Sarah lived about 2,000 years before this was written, Adam and Eve lived 2,000 years
before that. So, following the timeline from creation: God designed Adam to lead and Eve to help; 2,000
years after that Abraham and Sarah are following the same pattern; then 2,000 years later Peter is
directing the New Testament believers to follow the same pattern. We gather from this that time (4,000
years) did not change how God designed marriage to work. If God were going to change the
management style, He would have done it in the New Testament. And, since the Word of God is
complete and we are not to add to it or take away from it (Deut. 4:2; 12:32; Prov. 30:6; Rev. 22:18), then
we need to embrace it.
Deuteronomy 4:2, “You shall not add to the word which I command you, nor take from it,
that you may keep the commandments of the Lord your God which I command you.”
Proverbs 30:6, “Do not add to His words, Lest He rebuke you, and you be found a liar.”
WEEK 4: Day 4 | 185

We must not forget that we all are born with a sin nature that wants to follow Satan, the world, or the
flesh. Again, if we are not watchful, we can wind up polluting God’s management style with philosophies
that are contrary to Scripture. That is why we must weigh every thought and action against His precious
Word; pleading ignorance will not stop the negative consequences from happening.
Note: A Successful Woman’s Comment

If you remember the TV series Full House, DJ was played by Candace Cameron (now Bure) whose brother,
Kirk Cameron, starred in Growing Pains. She is still acting and is also successful as a wife and mother.
Candace met her husband, Val Bure (a Russian hockey player) at a charity hockey game, and not long
after they were married and had children. After being married 10 years, here is what she had to say
about marriage and God’s management style.
Like any marriage, we’ve had our happy days and our growing pains (no pun intended),
but it wasn’t until nearly a decade into our marriage that I really began to understand the
impact that my role as a wife could have in this union. With some changes of my own, I
was excited to discover that an already good relationship could be transformed into a
great one. The first step I took was understanding that although marriage is an equal
relationship where husband and wife are equally important, we aren’t designed to share
the same roles [emphasis added]. Holding the Bible, I read, “For the man is not of the
woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman: but the
woman for the man” (1 Cor. 11:8–9 KJV). Today’s society had me believe that there should
be no differences between a man and a woman. Society had it wrong. Val and I were
created equally but differently, and so we have differing responsibilities in our marriage—
mine being his helpmate. God created Adam, and when he saw that Adam was alone, he
created Eve to be his helper. Was this an important lesson in reshaping me? Very much
so…If we can learn to yield to the authority God has placed in our lives, in turn we learn
that our flesh must yield to our Spirit.36
Write down what the Lord been revealing to you about how you need to change in the area of
submission.
Then, write out a prayer asking God to help you change.
36 Bure, Candace Cameron; Darlene Schacht (2010-12-20). Reshaping It All (pp. 108-109). B&H Publishing Group. Kindle
Edition.
186 | WEEK 4: Day 4

What is affirmation?
We have mentioned the term “affirmation” which is a man’s foremost companionship need. In Ephesians
5:22-24 and vs 33, we find out that submission is a foundation for affirmation, communicates affirmation
to a husband.
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife,
as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the
church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” 33
“…let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
This biblical principle of affirmation may seem old fashioned and frightening due to the attitudes of our
current culture, which might see this as a call to servitude. The basis of all God’s principles really breaks
down to attitude, as the scripture says, “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks”.
Submission is really an attitude of the heart, which should be one of continual affirmation toward your
husband shown by the ways you prioritize him, treat him and speak to him. Wives, your husband did not
ask for this, but this affirmation is God’s design, for every man to receive from his wife.
Fact File
Affirm – means to confirm, assert as valid, assert positively.
Believe me, if God had pulled me aside when I was just married and said, “Hey, Craig, what do you want
most of all from your wife?” I would not have said, “Well, I want her to affirm me in the way she speaks
and treats me always.” I would have considered that too hard for her. Please understand, ladies, we did
not ask for this. We did not tell God, “I want my wife to treat me with honor and to affirm me as head
over our family.” We didn’t say that! God created your husband with this void that can only be filled by
you. This can only be successful when you yield to Him. Trust God with this truth. He calls your husband
to fulfill a role of leadership in the family, and whoever God calls will receive the power to succeed. It
doesn’t matter if he is not perfect, if he has failed, it is God who anoints and ordains us to our roles and
purposes here on earth and He will equip us. Remember, when we refuse to trust God, we are in
rebellion.
WEEK 4: Day 4 | 187

Are you looking at your husband’s performance, is that the condition for your respect? When has God
ever looked at us like that? Is that the basis on which you want God to evaluate you, the condition for His
love? If you are choosing to look at your husband with carnal eyes, not through the eyes of God, then
this is sin and will lead to failure and misery. God’s work is a process, for you and your husband, and God
says your affirming respect and confidence are essential. A husband needs the affirming, loving, and
godly support of his wife. The Bible gives us a strong warning about choosing to live for our flesh, in
rebellion.
Romans 8:6-8, says, “For the mind-set of the flesh is death, but the mind-set of the Spirit is
life and peace. For the mind-set of the flesh is hostile to God because it does not submit
itself to God’s law, for it is unable to do so. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.”
(HCSB)
This a very good question to ask yourself, “Is my mind set on the things of the Spirit, on the things above,
or on…?” God has called you women to say, “Okay, God, You have created my husband to be the leader,
and my role as wife is to affirm him, to confirm what You have called him to be, to see him as You do.” It
is God who says a husband is to lead and serve his family. And if God gives him the task, He will anoint
and equip him.
Husbands, you must desire to learn how to lead, no matter how hard it seems, or how impossible it may
have been in the past. And add to that desire by dedicating time to learn how to do it God’s way. You
must believe that your wife is a gif from God, to assist and encourage you to become a godly leader. If
her attitude is not there yet, do not let that deter you from gently and lovingly showing up as head of the
family. And let’s be honest, does she have reason to doubt you? Husband, you must also live in faith that
God can and will provide your wife with the desire and power to learn how to cooperate. If you
demonstrate humility before God, acknowledge that He is your leader, it will boost your wife’s
confidence in you.
Most of you men did not have a father that modeled proper leadership. And the churches are not
teaching couples how to function in these roles. Men need to be discipled in this area, as it is one of the
most important tasks given to us in this earthly life. So what happens after a man marries? If we have not
been taught, worse yet, if we have been taught by wrong information and wrong examples, what are we
going to do? Well, we are going to follow what we know, do it wrong, and suffer the consequences.
I have conducted marriage conferences for years and about one percent of men raise their hands to the
question, “How many were taught godly leadership by their fathers?” So, at this point a man needs some
real information, and other men to come alongside and invest some time helping them apply what they
are learning. This is called discipleship, and we know it works because Jesus used this process. This may
188 | WEEK 4: Day 4

sound frightening, and very foreign to you; someone else knowing you and your private matters. But God
calls believers to encourage, support, edify and invest in one another.
In this study, as a man, you are learning how to tend to your wife and family as a husband and leader. As
you work these principles into your marriage, God is also going to bring men into your life that need to
be discipled in the things you have learned. Be in prayer over this.

Can you see how these scriptures apply to discipling others? This includes your wife and children. Explain
in your words what God is asking you to do, apply it to your family.
1 Thessalonians 5:11, “Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you
also are doing.”
Colossians 3:16, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and
admonishing one another...”
Galatians 6:2, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
WEEK 4: Day 4 | 189

At my first marriage retreat, I heard so much information for the first time in my life. I thought, “Oh, my
gosh, I am so far away from what God has called me to do.” I had to make a commitment, which I did,
“God, I want to learn. I want to know how to be the husband You called me to be.” And because of that, I
am blessed today. My wife and I have been doubly blessed, because she also committed to becoming the
wife God wanted her to be. Again, most of us did not have godly examples, and most are not being
discipled, so we have made major mistakes. The great thing about God is, no matter what has happened
or when you start, just do it His way and the blessings start raining down.
Husbands, we are not special, not inherently worth the love and priority that God tells our wives to give
to us. I can tell you, as a man, I didn’t do anything to deserve it, I know it. God does not say, “Craig,
you’re a special guy, and because I called you, and because you’re so special, I’m going to make your wife
treat you this way.” No! I’m an idiot, a dirt bag, and I don’t deserve it, but my heavenly, loving Father
said, “This void I put in you, and I’ve called this woman, and I’ve created this woman to fulfill this in you.”
And if she chooses to do it, God gives her the grace and gives her the ability to do so. Praise Jesus!
When I first got married, I blew it in so many ways. I didn’t know how to be the spiritual leader. I had no
idea how to parent my kids. I didn’t know how to handle my finances. I gave my wife many opportunities
to say, “You’re an idiot.” I proved it. During those early years, I changed my mind about most everything,
with no direction, and was a very poor leader. At my job, on the construction site, I could set timelines,
and budgets, and direction, and run 150 men and get a project done on time and under budget. But at
home, who taught me how to do that? And I was blowing it over and over and over again.
Ladies, I praise God for a wife that didn’t throw my past mistakes up in my face when I started to change,
and every time I blew it was saying, “There you go again! You are not going to change! Oh, you’re such
an idiot.” Oh, I praise God that He blessed me with a wife that didn’t do that.
190 | WEEK 4: Day 4

Proverbs 18:22, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”
I have received great favor from God through my wife, great favor! But I also know that she could choose
to say “no”, and I praise God that she says “yes” to Him.
Proverbs 27:15, “An endless dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike.” (HCSB)
Nagging means being contentious, and a contentious wife is unwilling to trust the Lord and obey Him. It is
the opposite of affirming, and this attitude will not accomplish God’s will in your life and/or toward your
husband. What a man needs is a wife who believes that God has called him to lead, and that God will
provide all that is needed to do it. And remember, gals and guys, it is a process. I am not the same man I
was fifteen years ago. As we go through God’s process with love and patience, we get to show one
another how we can grow and change. This is a faith-builder, and encourages us as we see God at work in
our lives.

Read the following scriptures and write out a prayer after each, asking God to fulfill what is being said,
first in your life and then your spouse’s.
2 Peter 3:18, “…but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.”
2 Thessalonians 1:3, “ We are bound to thank God always for you, brethren, as it is fitting,
because your faith grows exceedingly, and the love of every one of you all abounds toward
each other,”
WEEK 4: Day 5 | 191

WeeK 4: Day 5
examples of Common Non-affirming Practices
We have discussed being affirming, but what exactly does it look like when a wife is not affirming to her
husband? We know that affirming means to confirm your acceptance and faith in him by showing respect
in your actions, your conversation, and by submitting to his decisions when necessary. Let’s look at some
differences between being affirming and letting it all go.
Is this Edifying?
Ladies, do you complain to friends and/or relatives about your husband’s failures? Your husband may not
hear what you are saying, but the Lord does. Don’t try to spiritualize it by saying, “Well, she’s my close
friend and my prayer partner.” You could say, “My husband and I need some prayer”, rather than “He’s
such a “_____”, he leaves his underwear all over the place, blah, blah, blah.” You are disobeying God and
there will be a consequence, nothing is done in secret (Heb. 4:13). We had some friends that are now
divorced, and I really hated going to their house. After 15 minutes of her attitude toward him, I was
thinking, “Oh, my gosh, I need to get out of here or I am going to shove a sock in that woman’s mouth.”
She had no problem pointing out all his faults in front of their friends and guests.

Write down what the following scriptures command us to do concerning our speech?
Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for
necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.”
Proverbs 12:18, “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, But the tongue of
the wise promotes health.”
192 | WEEK 4: Day 5

Proverbs 15:4, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, But perverseness in it breaks the
spirit.”
Psalm 19:14, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in
Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer.”
Proverbs 13:3, “He who guards his mouth preserves his life, But he who opens wide his lips
shall have destruction.”
What is Being Supportive?

When a wife corrects her husband in front of other people, including the children, it is non-affirming and
not showing the unity of support. If you disagree on a parenting situation, discuss this in private between
the two of you; you should not correct your husband in front of the kids unless you want to oppose God
and His plan. Ladies, if you are doing this, I know you are suffering, not experiencing the joy and peace
that God wants you to have because it’s non-affirming to your husband. Yes, we need your advice and
remember, men, our wives are a gif from God because they complete us, and that means we should
consider what they say.
Encouraging your husband to change in a parenting situation might look like this. A wife takes her
husband aside, “Honey, what were you doing?” He says, “What do you mean what was I doing? That little
idiot, I just told him to do blah, blah, blah.” Wife replies, “Well, I know, but your screaming and yelling is
not helping. Remember that material we learned on parenting, let’s give him a discipline.” Wives, we
need your encouraging influence. You have insights into the souls of your kids that husbands don’t have.
It’s a gift; use it rightly in accordance with God’s ways, the decision is yours. (Our website is full of
WEEK 4: Day 5 | 193

information, and online resources on parenting.) A supportive wife will have an attitude in line with this
scripture.
Matthew 18:15, “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault
between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.”
As you see here, there is an aspect of discretion, keeping whatever happened private and handling it
without anyone else’s involvement. That is love, and we are to be “speaking the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15).
Who’s the Maintenance Man?

Wives, it is not respectful or affirming to a husband to be treated like the maintenance man or household
servant. Running the household is a team effort, especially if you have able-bodied children. Example:
Your husband walks in from work and soon the first thing he hears, “Hey, honey, do this, take out the
trash, blah, blah, blah.” He says, “Have the kids do it,” and then it’s on. They have homework and
activities, and school is so demanding and they need time to be kids, and so on.
If you have able-bodied children living at home, assigning chores to them is not only helpful, it also
teaches them responsibility and self-control, important qualities for an adult. It is common for moms to
believe they are more concerned for their children’s happiness, that dad is checked out in this area.
When children are asked to do something, and they make excuses, whine, or complain, they need a
strong hand. Do not disregard discipline, or the influence of a father in these times. Women are
nurturing, sometimes to a fault, and when they see an overflowing trash can in the kitchen, instead of
asking their 12-year-old to take care of it, they wait until dad comes home and ask him to do it! Women
need to guard their hearts in this area and prayerfully ask God to help them prioritize their husband’s
authority and needs.
Is this Showing Respect?

Cooperate with your husband in setting rules and disciplining the children, this is a way to affirm him. But
do not undermine his word, his authority with the children. Do you discredit dad in front of the children,
and behind his back? If your husband issues discipline (whether you like it or not), don’t undermine him
by saying, “Oh, you know your dad, he’ll forget in a couple of days,” and just let your child slide on the
discipline. That is not being affirming, nor is it being a helper. Plus the kids will start manipulating you and
putting one parent against another.
194 | WEEK 4: Day 5

[Please see Parenting is a Ministry under Training Up Your Children on our website to get a full
explanation on rules, consequences, chores and how to carry out godly discipline. Most parents have
NOT been discipled in parenting.]
Ladies, do you realize that you will lose respect for your husband if he does not lovingly correct you when
you are not affirming him? You may feel angry, but you need to stop if he says to you, “I heard what you
said, you don’t need to repeat yourself”, or “I don’t’ need you to tell me how to drive a car.” Saying
anything further is non-affirming communication.
Back to our friends who eventually divorced. My wife and I went to dinner with them a few times in their
car. He was driving and his wife was nagging, “Turn left. Why are you in that lane? Don’t be in this lane,
be in that lane. Turn. You’d better slow down!” Oh, I’m just visualizing the guy getting hit with a bat,
whack, whack, and sliding down into the seat. She learned in twenty years of marriage to despise this
man because he was unwilling to stand up to her, and help her learn how to affirm him.
Some of you ladies are saying, “Yeah, but you don’t know my husband. I think he appreciates me telling
him where or how to drive.” And if you have one of those, and he’s okay with it, then tell him for
goodness sake. But if he says, “Honey, don’t tell me how to drive.” Then choose to affirm him and learn
from that situation. Most men are surprisingly willing to work with a reasonable suggestion, minus the
attitude. And remember, this type of attitude is sin and needs to be confessed and changed.
Choosing to Suffer or Serve?

Problems arise when a wife, out of ignorance, stubbornness, or pride is unwilling to serve her husband. If
this is you, are you thinking others will see you as weak, or have some other problem with self-image? Or
is it the fairness game you are playing? “Well, I work too, so why should I have to serve him? Why should
I pick up his plate? He needs to pick up his own plate! “And why should I give him food? He can get food!
He’s got two legs.”
Whenever we refuse to serve others, we are not representing Christ, and our relationships will suffer. I’m
not suggesting that a wife be treated as a subservient possession, because she is not. A wife is God’s
daughter, a gift from Him and is to be treated as a precious gift. Many women have been affected by the
Satanic philosophy of equality, which means not serving your husband in anything that he can do for
himself. b Self-Examination 9
Are you looking for ways to serve your husband, whether at home or in public?  Yes  No
WEEK 4: Day 5 | 195

Write down four ways you can serve your husband and bring them before the Lord in prayer daily, to do
them. (Hint: ask him for ideas)

Paul and his companions ministered to people continuously. What was their motive, and what was their
attitude toward serving others?
1 Thessalonians 2:7–8, “But we were gentle among you, just as a nursing mother
cherishes her own children. So, affectionately longing for you, we were well pleased to
impart to you not only the gospel of God, but also our own lives, because you had become
dear to us.”
God has given you ladies the gift of being a helper to your husbands. How should you use your gift, and
why?
1 Peter 4:10, “As each one has received a gif, minister it to one another, as good stewards
of the manifold grace of God.”
196 | WEEK 4: Day 5

are Finances a Deal-breaker?

There are going to be times that you two do not agree on finances. Wives, if you disagree with the
allocation of funds, make a humble request and/or politely offer your perspective, then leave it with the
Lord in prayer for your husband. Even if your husband is violating scriptural instruction in this area,
reprove his ways tactfully, appealing to his spiritual nature, then leave it with the Lord. To “leave it”
excludes bitterness, resentment, complaints, ignoring, and all such behavior. Money is the number one
cause of divorce, but God does not allow in the scripture for divorcing due to financial problems. Too
many times, wives will argue and debate after they have given their point of view, which is saying, “I
don’t trust you”, and maybe he has earned it, but remember that God is at work. God transforms us
through difficult circumstances and this qualifies. If the situation involves dishonesty, addiction, or lack of
responsibility to the family, this is the occasion to get professional or pastoral input.
Is your love a battlefield?

I have discovered through counseling that there are many struggles over companionship needs in the
area of sex. A wife who is unwilling to work on the physical relationship, which may require adapting to
her husband’s needs, is inviting trouble. This is one of the most significant ways that men are affirmed.
And a wife who communicates any of the following is in sin: If I feel you have performed as a good
husband and father maybe I will give you a treat; you don’t deserve this, but I have to do it; or OK, but
let’s get it done.
These are all obviously negative and humiliating examples of a non-affirming attitude.
Pornography has become a common addiction for men. Is it wrong and sinful? Yes! But your husband will
be more vulnerable if you deny him within the marriage. The way God made men, the way He designed
us, we receive essential affirmation and fulfillment when being intimate with our wives. Yes, porn is a
wrong substitute, it destroys what God wants. But a wife who holds out on her husband for personal
reasons is also wrong. When you voluntarily surrender yourself physically, you are blessing your man by
affirming him in a most important way.
And men, let us be patient. God, in His perfect plan, knows all the seasons of life a woman goes through,
and there are plenty. Right? They have monthly hormone cycles, babies, weight gain, body changes,
female problems, and then after they get through all that, here comes menopause! What is that? God,
He has a sense of humor. Men, it is so important for us as husbands to be patient. All too often, husbands
become discouraged, quit trying, and settle into a pattern with their physical relationship that is far from
WEEK 4: Day 5 | 197

what God wants. There is a temptation to consider pleasuring oneself acceptable because of the
unfulfilling marital relationship. I would say the majority of people that I have counseled, after 10 to 15
years of marriage, have a terrible physical relationship. Far from what God created it to be.
Ladies, let me ask you a question. On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is physical intimacy to your man?
Perhaps a 12, or do I hear a 15? We don’t know why God made us this way. Blame Him. And now I will
ask your husband how important it seems to you. There are a few wives up there near 10 but, for most,
it’s probably a 2, 3, or 4. I mean, women are made that way. This is the stuff of comedy skits: When
you’re ovulating, you’re in the mood; when you’re not ovulating, “Leave me alone.” Three days a month
is fine, but after that, “Leave me alone, what’s the purpose?” It’s not even crossing your mind.
God has a sense of humor. These differences serve some purpose: to learn the meaning of sacrifice,
denying ourselves, and working together to fulfill each other’s needs. I have counseled couples because
the husband has been caught looking at pornography. She is furious and he is embarrassed. I ask about
their intimacy and learn that they’re having sex once every three months, and it’s been like that for 5+
years. WHY? When I ask her how many times a month he would like to have sex, she knows. She is
blaming him for his sinful choice, yet not willing to take any responsibility herself.
Well, what he did is wrong, sinful, but understandable because he looked to his wife for more than five
years and was rejected 98% of the time. Her actions communicate an unwillingness to affirm him, and
that his need is selfish. So, huma nly speaking, would he find himself gravitating toward that? Absolutely.
Is it wrong? Yes. Was it justified? Absolutely not! For some reason, Christians are afraid to talk about sex,
to get help when they are struggling. God designed us for sex, and it is 100% for married people.
Many couples are not experiencing the fullness of God that is available. Sex is good, and it meets both
physical and emotional needs built into us as humans. It is a companionship need for both husband and
wife. 1 Corinthians 7:4, and Proverbs 18:20 teaches that our bodies are not our own; we belong to one
another. We must consider each other’s needs and desires. 1 Corinthians 7:5 says, “Do not deprive one
another sexually—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer.” (HCSB)
Husbands, if any of you have grown stale or turned to sin out of frustration, or tried to revive your
marriage with perverted requests aimed at your wife, repent and pray, “God, clean my heart.” I know, I
was in pornography for about nine years prior to getting married. And when I married, I brought it with
me. God said, “Craig, you need to get this out of your mind. It is wrong, it is sinful,” and He gave me the
grace to be freed from it. God brought that conviction.
198 | WEEK 4: Day 5

My wife and I sat down, and we talked about our physical relationship, and we began to discuss what was
comfortable and pleasurable for both of us. Be willing to hear from each other and adapt your
expectations, this is loving your spouse.
We will cover this topic more extensively in a future lesson.
Now go to God in prayer:
Father, I thank and praise You for the Word, for what it reveals to us. Thank You for giving
us Your Holy Spirit, the power that enables us to do all things that you desire. Father,
where there has been division, where there has been selfishness, where we have been
disobedient to Your Word, I pray that You would speak to our hearts, change us. Remind us
of what we have learned. Give us a desire to study, to pursue holiness, to surrender to Your
will, to change those things that are not glorifying You. Lord, we thank You for the gif of
marriage and pray that we would glorify You with obedience in every aspect of our
relationship. We ask these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Husband’s Needs Worksheets

The following worksheets are to help you apply the principles you have learned. They are vitally
important for follow-up on meeting The Husband’s Companionship Needs. Please read the instructions,
then complete the worksheets. The following worksheets are also in Appendix H.
1. Worksheet #1 – Husband, do you feel affirmed by your wife?

The purpose of this worksheet is to give structure and bring clarity to specific areas where a
man needs affirmation from his wife. Through private and prayerful assessment, a husband
will be able to provide an honest evaluation from his perspective. This process will reveal to
the wife any areas that need clarification and change, serve as a guide as she seeks to better
meet her husband’s needs. This will also provide the husband with a new or renewed
understanding of reasons he is experiencing difficulty enjoying intimacy and/or
companionship with his wife. Often, when a husband is not affirmed by his wife in some area,
his flesh and/or the enemy brings confusion and he seeks affirmation elsewhere. Many men,
due to this problem, are not investing themselves thoroughly in the marital relationship, and
in the family. This may result in failure to provide the wife’s companionship needs, which we
will study in the next lesson. This can become a destructive, downward spiral if not met with
trust and confidence in the Word and power of God.
[Read the instructions and example at the bottom of Worksheet #1, to learn how to
incorporate it with Worksheet #2.]
WEEK 4: Day 5 | 199

2. Worksheet #2 – Specific, practical, non-judgmental suggestions for your wife.

The purpose of Worksheet #2 is for the husband to prayerfully write out practical, non-
judgmental suggestions his wife can follow to improve her affirmation of him in specific areas.
It is important not to overwhelm a wife initially by working on every area that is not perfect.
Instead, give 1 or 2 suggestions from each area where she is graded with 4 or less. Some men
may have difficulty completing this worksheet. We exhort you not to abandon the activity, but
ask God to influence your suggestions. Be specific, not general. Make the suggestions practical
so implementation is possible, and non-judgmental, so not to discourage your wife. Seek
additional help from a church leader, an assigned marriage mentor, or your pastor, if
necessary.
Men, after you complete the two worksheets and you are ready to discuss this with your wife, make sure
she has a note pad to write out, in her own words, responses to your specific, practical, non-judgmental
suggestions.
• Find a private place and good time for the two of you to discuss 1 to 2 suggestions
from Worksheet #2 for each category from Worksheet #1 where the rating was 4 or
lower. Remember, you are to communicate about these areas in ways that glorify
Christ. Seek help from a church leader, marriage mentor or your pastor if things
become difficult, but do not abandon this exercise.
• We suggest that couples begin this discussion in prayer, asking God for grace and
gentleness in communication, a receptive heart-attitude for wives, and protection
for both from the enemy and his attempts to discourage obedience.
• Resist any temptation to be defensive or angry. Wives, repeat to your husband what
you hear him saying before doing any writing. Be specific in your responses to his
suggestions for increasing your ability to affirm him.
Remember:
• God blesses obedience.
• Your faithfulness in completing all of the homework is the beginning of a truly
wonderful relationship with your spouse in Christ.
• Our transformation takes place only as we abide in Him. This means our daily
devotions and our obedience to His word, including confession and repentance of
our mistakes, are critical to this process.
• To see Jesus work miracles, the disciples had to follow Him.
200 | WEEK 4: Day 5

Also remember to practice loving communication, and biblical forgiveness and reconciliation, the tools
God uses to break up the hardened soil of our hearts so His Word and grace can have the impact He
desires. God can give us the victory if we will come to Him, hear Him, and do what He says. Appendix M
has a worksheet “Reasons Husbands Fail to Lead or Wives Fail to Affirm Them”. If you are having difficulty
please refer to this handout.
WORKSHeeT #1: Self examination

Husband: For the list below, use a scale from 0 to 5 (0 being not at all; 5 being very affirming) and rate
how you feel your wife is affirming you. This is not a time to be vindictive, but to begin to bring clarity,
healing and change in these areas. See “Trusting God in Your Marriage Means Practicing Forgiveness” in
Appendix P, if needed. Do not share this with your wife yet. Read the instructions at the bottom of this
page after you have prayerfully completed the worksheet. Worksheet #1 and #2 are part of the
Appendix, Appendix H.
Husbands, do you feel affirmed by your wife in these areas?

Write in your number (0-5)
Spiritual
• Going to Church ____ • Praying Together ____
• Praying with Children ____ • Bible Study with Children ____
• Discussing Personal Devotion ____ • Accepting your leadership ____
Communication
Caring about the day’s events at the office or job ____
Able to share honestly how you feel about all subjects ____
Discussing finances ____
Always speaks with a loving, affirming tone ____
Makes herself available each day to talk ____
Feel safe to share deepest needs or emotions with her ____
Feel free to laugh and/or cry with her ____
Always speaks honorably to you ____
Always speaks honorably about you to others ____
Physical and/or Sexual

Tells you she loves you often ____
Regular sexual relations ____
Able to share openly your desires for physical fulfillment ____
WEEK 4: Day 5 | 201

Non-sexual touching
Cuddling ____
Holding hands ____
Hugging ____
Massaging ____
Kissing ____
Parenting
Willing to trust your decisions in discipline ____
Supports you when disciplining children ____
Supports rules that have been set by you ____
Always speaks honorably about you in front of children ____
After you have completed this worksheet, do not discuss it with your wife. Instead, use Worksheet #2 to
write some specific, non-judgmental, practical suggestions for ways your wife can improve in affirming
you for the areas you marked with 4 or less. For example: if you gave your wife less than a mark of 5 for
regular sexual relations, your suggestion might be for your wife to have a more cooperative attitude
throughout the week, to initiate sex a few times per month, or to engage in intimacy 2 + times per week
minimum.
WORKSHeeT #2: action Plan

Specific, Practical, Non-judgmental Suggestions for Your Wife
Remember, the purpose of this exercise is to prepare you to lovingly communicate to your wife, without
attacking or condemning, giving specific, practical suggestions on how to improve at meeting your
companionship needs. Your wife’s perspective of your unique needs may be very different from yours, or
God’s. It is very important that your suggestions are as complete as possible, using specific explanation
and positive encouragement, but also as brief as possible. Consider how your suggestions might sound if
someone else was giving them to you. Do not compromise, but be gentle and considerate of your wife.
Spiritual
202 | WEEK 4: Day 5

Communication
WEEK 4: Day 5 | 203

Non-sexual touching
Parenting
204 | WEEK 4: Day 5

Examples for Worksheet #2
Here are some examples of non-judgmental, specific suggestions for meeting companionship needs in
these areas.
Spiritual
Husband rated wife with a 2 for “accepting your leadership.”
• How can we work together in helping you accept my leadership when addressing
spiritual matters with the children? Will you commit to letting me address the issues
with kids before you say something and then when we are alone we can discuss the
situation so I can hear your input and any suggestions for how I handled it.
Wife received a 1 for “praying together with children”.

• Would you pray with the children and me each day in the morning, or before we go to
bed? I would like us to work together as a team in encouraging our children how
important prayer is.
Communication
Husband gave her a 2 for “Discussing finances”.
• I know that discussing finances is not an easy subject for us, how can we communicate
about that? Maybe we can plan a time to get away for a few hours, where we will not be
interrupted. That way we can pray and discuss it more thoroughly. And commit to have
an expense budget written out by the end of the month.
Wife received a 1 for “always speaks honorably to you.”

• I know that I have not been the best example as we have been learning. I really need
your affirmation; it will really help me in working on the needed changes. Can we agree
that when we say or do something that is un-affirming or hurtful, if the other person
brings it to our attention, we will be open to hear and learn from each other what we
can say or do differently? Also, can we set some time aside to discuss how we
communicate to each other and start practicing asking forgiveness where we offended
each other? Let’s work together to bring changes.

Wife received a 2 for “regular sexual relations.”
• I would like us to come to some agreement as to how often we would have sexual relations
each week. I really need your support and affirmation in this area.
WEEK 4: Day 5 | 205

Wife received a 2 for “able to share openly your desires for physical fulfillment”.
• Can we please talk openly about each other’s sexual needs and fulfillment? Maybe we can
set some time aside on the weekend to discuss this. (We are going to cover this thoroughly
in future lessons, complete with tools and questions to help facilitate this process.)
Non-sexual touching
Wife marked 1 for “Cuddling and hugging”.
• I would like it if we could just sit together, cuddle, hold hands when we are walking and show
more outward affection to each other.
Wife received a 2 for “Kissing”.

• It would also be nice if you could kiss me when I come home or when you are leaving
whenever possible. This really helps me feel affirmed.
Parenting
Wife received a 2 for “Willing to trust your decision in discipline of the children”.
• Could you please follow my leadership in the disciplining of the children? I need your
support and affirmation when disciplining the children, and it would be very reassuring
to the kids and me if you did this.
Husband gave a 1 for “supports rules that have been set by you.”
• Could you please support and follow the rules that have been set by us? If you do not
agree with a rule after we have discussed it, let’s talk it through. When you support me
in this, you are affirming my leadership and it helps me to be a better father.
Husband felt wife deserved a 2 for “always speaks honorably about you in front of the children”.
• Sometimes you speak negatively about or toward me in front of the kids. Do you think
we can go into our bedroom and discuss those things that I seem to be doing wrong,
and not in front of the children?
Working Together on Companionship Needs Guidelines

Remember this important fact:
Men and women perceive situations differently, and also respond differently to the same words or
actions. This means that a husband and wife will approach mutual problems from a different perspective,
and opportunities will arise requiring them to cooperate and compromise.
206 | WEEK 4: Day 5

God created human beings, male and female, and placed unique companionship needs within each.
Unique can mean special, or wonderful, but it also means different. A man does not instinctively know or
understand the needs of a woman, and vice versa. To have a fulfilling marriage, each spouse needs to be
willing to learn how to meet the unique needs of the other.
Since all marriages involve people, and all people are selfish, there is a 100 percent chance that
frustrations and disappointments will surface in the relationship. This leads to coping patterns such as
anger, insults, bitterness, defensiveness, pouting, stuffing, stewing, and, you get the picture. These
become habits that must be broken and replaced with appropriate attitudes and actions.
Getting back to the discussion of perspective, and problems that may arise; this is an opportunity for
every man and woman to use the trials of life to both grow personally and to learn how to meet the
needs of another. To succeed, we must use God’s word as a resource, and be committed to listening and
communicating properly.
James 1:2-4 says, “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing
that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work,
that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”
God says to count it all joy when you experience trials. Why? Because responding in the right spirit will
lead to patience, which leads to a state of being that God calls “lacking nothing”. God works in us, but the
time it takes to learn depends upon our cooperation. Growth comes when you put your faith in Him by
learning His will, following it, and having a deep desire to become holy as He is holy.
So the Bible says that God is allowing our faith to be tested by trials. It also tells us that God is our Father,
if we are in Christ, and that He never condemns us but that he disciplines us for our good. We must view
difficulties as God-ordained opportunities to seek instruction, grow in the image of Christ, learn more
about our spouse’s needs, and become the husband or wife that God intends. The word discipline simply
means to train.
Hebrews 12:9-11 says, “Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and
we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of
spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but
He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness Now no chastening seems to be
joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, aferward it yields the peaceable fruit of
righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”
WEEK 4: Day 5 | 207

Have you ever been angry with your spouse? Ever wished that your marriage were better, different? Ever
blamed your spouse as the primary offender? When you accept the truth that you need to change, and
that you need to apply yourself to meeting your spouse’s needs, a surprising thing will happen. Your
marriage will improve and so will your spouse’s attitude. This is not about who does more, but about
who does right. And God will bless obedience. God is always at work, but remember, without our
cooperation the growth that God desires won’t happen.
Philippians 1:6 says, “Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good
work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”
This verse includes us becoming the husband or wife God desires us to be.
So, we have discussed the term “companionship needs”, and learned that these are gender specific. For
example: one of man’s basic needs is affirmation, and a woman’s is to be nurtured and cherished. We
also have stated that awareness of these needs comes through study and communication. If a need is
violated, and an offense taken, there is a proper way to bring it into discussion. A husband and wife
sincerely desiring to stop bad behavior patterns must agree to use a process something like this:
Acknowledge the offense:

Husband: If your wife says or does something that is un-affirming to you, your response is to say, “that
was un-affirming”, in a kind way.
Wife: If your husband says or does something in a non-cherishing or non-nurturing way toward you, your
response is to say, “that hurts”, in a kind way.
Apply the response:

Confirm: When your spouse says either “that was un-affirming” or “that hurt”, your response needs to be
“I am sorry”, or “help me understand what I did”, stated kindly.
Cooperate: Try and understand your spouse’s perspective. Learning how to better meet their needs
requires listening, NOT arguing, accusing, or debating.
Clarify the need: In a loving way, explain to your spouse what they said or did, and offer positive
suggestions or alternatives. Remember, this is an opportunity for both partners to learn and change.
Examples:
A husband makes a negative comment about his wife’s cooking to the children, or a friend, in her
presence. His wife takes the earliest opportunity to say to him, in private, “that remark really hurt”.
208 | WEEK 4: Day 5

Clarify the need; might include asking him not to joke about her cooking to anyone, and then finding out
if there is something different she might do if her cooking can be improve. Note to husband: if something
is bothering you, approach it privately and sincerely. Cherish your wife and you will discover she really
wants to please you.
A wife sarcastically disagrees with her husband’s perspective on a political issue in front of friends. Latter
when no one else is present, he tells her that what she did was not affirming to him. Clarify the need;
might include the honest truth that her opinion was argumentative and as such embarrassed him in
public. He could offer an alternative as, “If you have a different opinion on a subject, I am willing to
discuss it with you privately, but when you disagree or challenge me in front of others, it is un-affirming
to me.
Everyone is different; plug in the issues that push your buttons, and come up with your own suggestions.
And remember; this is not an opportunity to bring up past things your spouse has done to upset you. In
Philippians 2:3, it says that we not to act out of selfish ambition or conceit, but we are to consider others
as more important than ourselves; this means your primary concern is learning your spouse’s needs and
how to meet them.
“Preference” and “Truth” are Different

Preference means; what one prefers before or above another. It is neither right nor wrong, but personal
preference. Can personal preferences be wrong? Yes! If one’s personal preference is contrary to the
Word and will of God, it is sin and wrong!
Examples of simple preference include, but are not limited to, cuisine, cars, homes, decorating, pets,
clothing, music, entertainment, vacation destinations, and lots more. What about the up and down
drama of the toilet seat? Preference. Preference requires compromise, which is the difference between
preference and truth. Where truth is concerned, there is cooperation, but no compromise. Compromise
means to settle differences by mutual concessions. What we know to be God’s Word, or will, is truth, and
no concessions apply, only obedience.
Truth is what the Word of God says to do or not do, what is right and wrong behavior.
Deuteronomy 4:2 says, “You shall not add to the word which I command you, nor take
from it, that you may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command
you.”
Preferences that may violate God’s truth can include entertainment (movies, TV, music), selfish sexual
desires, manner of dress, friendships, child rearing methods, church attendance, and more. For example,
WEEK 4: Day 5 | 209

a wife or husband may choose a friend that is inappropriate, or is dragging them into sinful activities; one
partner may desire sexually explicit films; or a man may desire sex weekly and his wife denies him and
sticks to her once a month preference; a mother may insist on taking the lead in child discipline and not
receive her husband’s input. When a conflict or situations arises like these, a married couple needs to
look into God’s Word and or seek godly counsel to resolve it.
Two Wrongs Never make a Right

We have talked of working together, cooperating, and being mutually kind and considerate, but what if
you find that all or most of the effort is coming from you? So be it. Is it right for you to enter into sin and
disobedience because the situation seems unfair? God forbid. If we put conditions on our obedience to
God, can we expect Him to intercede, help and bless us? The motive behind blessing your spouse and
learning how to meet their companionship needs is your love for Jesus and desire to glorify and please
Him. As Christians, our source of power, comfort, significance, security, joy, peace and hope comes from
God, as we walk in obedience.
We all have failed each other, and will fail again, sometimes by choice and sometimes in ignorance. This is
precisely why forgiveness is essential; every person is called by God to practice forgiveness, both by giving
it and asking for it.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says, “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not
When an opportunity arises, follow these 5 simple steps:

1. Self-examination: When you feel pain that you believe was caused by your spouse,
take a moment and examine your own heart. Ask yourself: is this truly a failure to
meet my companionship need, or do I just want my own way? (Use our
information on companionship needs for men and women as your self-
examination guide.)
2. Identification: be able to communicate exactly what was said or done by your
spouse that was un-loving, un-affirming, or not cherishing or nurturing.
3. Communication: pick a good time to lovingly bring the offense to your spouse’s
attention, then conclude by telling them “I do not feel affirmed when you…”
(men), or “I do not feel cherished when you…” (women). Be completely open at
this point, for communication and clarification, not denial or debate.
210 | WEEK 4: Day 5

4. Clarification: propose a clear action plan so that your spouse knows what hurts
you, and what they can do differently to meet your companionship need in this
particular area, or situation.
5. Forgiveness: Showing grace and forgiveness toward one another in these learning
opportunities is so important. It is our sin nature and the devil’s desire that we
focus on the other person’s sin, not our own, and justify an agitated, harsh or sinful
response to them when they blow it. Remember, two sins never make anything
right.
This worksheet is also in the Appendix, Appendix L.
WEEK 4: Day 5 | 211

Week 5: The Wife’s Companionship
Needs
WeeK 5: Day 1
Introduction
We are now turning in our study to the companionship needs of a wife, which can only be met by her
loving husband. Men, it is important for you to always remember that our goal is to understand and obey
God’s will, not our own or the world’s. I say this because there is much confusion on how to meet a
wife’s companionship needs. The media has plagued us with unbiblical, ungodly advice and many have
embraced it. Let me encourage you husbands to go into this subject with an open heart, wanting to hear
what God has to say.
As I mentioned last week, it is important to remember the preceding weeks’ work when entering this
study. Our calling is to be ministers to our spouses. So, meeting each other’s companionship needs is to
be viewed as a ministry, and our motive for doing this is to glorify God. As you move forward,
transformation must take place in your thinking and actions. Conforming to God’s Word is not easy, that
is why it is essential that you maintain a strong foundation—your relationship with Christ. When we are
abiding and obeying Christ, His blessings and power enable us to fulfill His will and purposes.
God’s Word is complete and it is very clear, in Ephesians 5, that a husband is just as responsible for
meeting his wife’s needs as she is for meeting his. I trust that God will enlighten you men on what your
wives need, but it is just as important for you ladies to understand yourselves, how God has created
certain needs within you that can only be fulfilled through your relationship to your husband. Plus, it is
absolutely imperative that you are both following God’s plan, which is what brings fulfillment, peace and
His grace into your marriage. Who knows better about marriage than the creator? Nobody!
God Created Companionship Needs

Please read through the following Scripture several times, giving special attention to a husband’s
Godgiven responsibility for meeting his wife’s needs.
212 | WEEK 5: Day 1

WeeK 5: THe WIFe’S COMPaNIONSHIP NeeDS
Ephesians 5:25-31, “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the Church and
gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of the
water by the Word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious Church, not having
spot or wrinkle, or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So
husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves
himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as the Lord
does the Church. For we are members of His Body, of His flesh, and of His bone. For this
reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and the two
shall become one flesh.”
If you took all these words and put them into one concept, it would be “security.” This means safety; a
guarantee; freedom from fear; not feeling suspicion or distrust; and the condition of being protected,
not exposed to danger.
So, men, as you were reading this, I hope it became obvious to you that God has a plan that will result in
your wife feeling secure. When a man loves his wife as Christ loves His church, and commits himself to
her above all others, he is providing security. David Jeremiah says:
When a husband loves his wife, he gives her the greatest sense of security, and when a
husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church. A husband’s love produces security,
intimacy, identity, and spiritually in his wife. 37
Let’s face it, you play a vital role in meeting your wife’s needs.
Fact File
Security – is the state of being free from danger or threat, having confidence that one is
secure, and that one’s wellbeing is assured by another, as in a wife resting securely in the
husband’s leadership.
All this information clarifies the way to fulfill a wife’s need for security. Husbands, your involvement in
your wives’ security must become a top priority. It is difficult for us to relate to this; we are pretty secure
in ourselves because God has made us to be leaders. But God has instructed us to dwell with our wives
“with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel” (1 Peter 3:7). Peter points out
“that husbands should understand and be considerate of their wives’ spiritual, emotional, and physical
needs.”38 Weaker indicates physical or emotional weakness, not intellectual inferiority. This is not a
37 David Jeremiah, Home Improvement: Study Guide (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2001), 58,68.
38 Roger M. Raymer, “1 Peter,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures, ed. J. F. Walvoord and
R. B. Zuck, vol. 2 (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985), 849.
WEEK 5: Day 1 | 213

negative statement, just the way God has made women, and both husbands and wives need to
understand God’s creative design.
The following information will show how God has developed a plan for meeting a wife’s security needs in
marriage, and how her husband plays a role in meeting those needs, by God’s perfect design.
Companionship Need #1: LOVE YOUR WIFE JUST AS CHRIST ALSO LOVED THE
CHURCH. (VS. 25)
God knows, as this is His design, that a wife gains security by being loved. God gives husbands very clear
instruction: “Love your wives just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for her” (Eph. 5:25).
Here, this word love (agape, in the Greek) is a present, active, imperative verb, indicating a command to
do and to continue doing without stopping. This same concept was presented during our Week Three
study, when we learned that both spouses have a companionship need for love; however, we are now
speaking to husbands about loving their wives.
Fact File
Agape –The response of God’s heart toward unworthy sinners; God’s love demonstrated
in self-sacrifice for the benefit of the objects of His love. “God’s essential quality that
seeks the best interests of others regardless of the others’ actions.” 39 “It involves God
doing what He knows is best for man and not necessarily what man desires…His son to
bring forgiveness to man.”40 It is choosing to love.
The extent to which a husband is to love his wife is compared with Jesus’ love for the Church, for us. How
much did Jesus love the Church and how did He prove it? Jesus proved His love for us, even unto death.
We are secure in this love by what Jesus did on the cross, not what we did or what we do. That should
be very clear; isn’t that a wonderful place to be? We are secure in God’s love because of what Christ did.
And this is something we really need to get our heads around, men. God wants you to love your wife in
that same way, unconditionally, and not based on her performance.
Jesus commands you to love your wife in the same manner as He loves, which ultimately led to His
sacrificial death on a cross. Praise the Lord, we are not required to die physically, but rather to “die to
ourselves,” meaning our selfishness, harshness, and self-will must go. To love as Chris t loves the church
requires obedience to God’s Word, even when we do not feel loving. We must seek God’s strength to
love our wives properly, not for what they will give back to us, or to manipulate them or control them.
Jesus set the example for us, how we are to love. When a husband determines in his heart to die to
39 Richard L. Pratt, Jr, vol. 7, I & II Corinthians, Holman New Testament Commentary; Holman Reference (Nashville, TN:
Broadman & Holman Publishers, 2000), 447.
40 Spiros Zodhiates, The Complete Word Study Dictionary : New Testament, (Chattanooga, TN: AMG Publishers, 2000), 66.
214 | WEEK 5: Day 1

himself, his own will, and surrender to God’s will and the Holy Spirit, then this love of God begins to flow
toward his wife.

Read the following Scriptures. Write down what they are telling us to do, and why you think these are
important principles for loving your wife.
Colossians 3:19, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.”
Ephesians 4:31, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away
from you, with all malice.”
Read the following scripture and describe the types of thoughts and motives you are to have when loving
your wife.
Ephesians 5:2, “And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an
offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.”
WEEK 5: Day 1 | 215

Now that you have learned God’s expectations for loving your wife from the above scriptures, take some
time and write down any problem areas the Lord has brought to your mind. Then, confess your sin to
God and follow up by asking your wife’s forgiveness.
God is called our “Father”, and our wives are called His “daughters”. I have one daughter and I want the
absolute best for her. When she believes that she has found that special guy, I will invest some time and
energy into that young man. I will let him know how important and special she is to me, and make sure
he understands what it means to be a husband and a father. I will be sure he hears God’s truth, and use
every bit of persuasion I can to help him yield, because I love my daughter. As a man, you must realize
that God sees your wife as His own daughter. He is waiting and willing to pour everything you need into
and through you so you can love your wife His way.
Desire and Action are Essential

It is only by truly desiring to love your wife God’s way that you will get past the selfish expectations and
conditions that can govern your love for her. As you press in and reach forward in love, you will see your
heart change. During Week Three, we looked specifically at the characteristics of love and how we are to
love our spouses, from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Husbands, that scripture gives a biblical presentation on
practical ways to express love. But you have to move past knowing, to doing, striving, desiring and
laboring to see this love manifested in you toward your wife.

Please meditate on the following Scriptures, then write down how the principles in these texts will help
you desire and/or pursue loving your wife.
Galatians 6:9, “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall
reap if we do not lose heart.”
216 | WEEK 5: Day 1

2 Timothy 2:22, “Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with
those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”
1 Thessalonians 1:3, “…remembering without ceasing your work of faith, labor of love.”
Romans 12:9, “Let love be without hypocrisy...”
1 Timothy 1:5, “Now the purpose of the commandment is love from a pure heart, from a
good conscience, and from sincere faith,”
WEEK 5: Day 1 | 217

1 Thessalonians 3:12, “And may the Lord make you increase and abound in love to one
another…”
Philippians 1:9–10, “And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in
knowledge and all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent...”
Always remember that it is through your strong foundation, which is your relationship to Christ, that you
are able to bless your wife with this type of love.
Security and Fear are Opposites

A biblical principle that helps us truly love our wives, so that they can live in security and without fear,
shows us the contrast between fear and love.
1 John 4:18-21 says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear because fear
involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him
because He first loved us. If someone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar
for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he
has not seen? And this commandment we have from Him, that we who love God must
love his brother.”
John tells believers who truly have a love for God that they do not have to fear the judgment day: “Love
has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment.” (1 John 4:17).
One commentary says:
218 | WEEK 5: Day 1

A fully developing love gives reassurance to a believer that he or she is right with God,
and will enable him to have confidence on the Day of Judgment. The believer does not
dreadfully anticipate it.41
In other words, the believer experiences a perfected love in relation to God; they have full assurance or
security, trusting that God will take care of them. In the same way, when you love your wife, it builds
trust and security that you will only do what is best for her in harmony with God’s will.
Men, are you instilling fear by your behavior? This perfect love John talks about can only come through
Christ. God is not telling us, “I want you to follow My lead and find some inner strength and ability to
love your wife this way.” He is saying that when you surrender your heart, your desires, and self-will to
Him in obedience and trust, that He will fill you with the desire to love your wife and His love will be
pouring out of you to her.
In this life, no man will ever be flawlessly perfect in love toward his wife; we humans are a work in
progress, but the key is to be progressing.
Philippians 1:6 says, “Being confident in this very thing, that He who has begun a work in
you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”
Is God a liar? No, He is not. And I say this because Satan has a real stronghold on many men. He tells us,
“You’ll never change. This is too hard for you. Your wife is causing you do this. This trial is beyond you,
etc.” Fill in the blanks with your own excuses, but these are lies from Satan. If you believe them, it will
begin to dictate what you will and won’t do, and what you will and will not believe. If your wife is
insecure or fearful in any way within marriage, first look to yourself.
4 Action Plan 1
Take some time right now as husband and wife, and discuss this section together. Husband, write down
any fears that your wife has shared. Then, lovingly listen intently without making excuses, learning how
you can better minister to her, and write it down. Ask forgiveness where needed.
41 Michael A Rydelnik and Michael Vanlaningham, eds., The Moody Bible Commentary, New ed. (Chicago, IL: Moody
WEEK 5: Day 1 | 219

WeeK 5: Day 2
Life is a Work In Progress
Ladies, please remember that your husband is a work in progress. As he learns to abide in Christ by
spending time in God’s word and in prayer, and learns from the trials, and is willing to ask forgiveness,
then he will begin to be transformed into the image of Christ, which includes his ability to love you.
As mentioned, this love is called agape, and is unconditional as God loves. He loves us so much that He
sent His Son to die for us, while we were still sinners (Rom. 5:8), to show us the value that He places
upon each one of us. Men, we are to love our wives because of the value God has placed upon them;
again, this is not in our own strength, but by the power of the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, if we
have received Jesus as Lord and Savior. This is our only measuring tool. Men, use no other scale by which
you measure your behavior, only what God has said. When you do not live up to this love that God
describes, have the humility and determination to confess it to God and your wife. One quality of a true
leader is humility (Acts 20:19; Titus 3:2), to be willing to admit that you have missed the mark. Take
responsibility; to repent means to change direction, turn toward God, and ask forgiveness (1 John 1:9).
Avoid What Comes Naturally

Men, what comes naturally is to let your wife’s behavior determine how you treat them:
Did my wife do what “I” wanted her to do, or what she was supposed to do, or spend her time
wisely, or treat me the way “I” want to be treated?
If they do what we desire, then we reward them accordingly with our affection, good will or approval.
That is NOT love. As stated above, God’s essential quality of love seeks the best interests of others,
regardless of the others’ actions. Romans 5:10 says, “When we were enemies, we were reconciled to
God,” and it was and is the goodness of God that leads us to repentance (Rom. 2:4).
You see, God’s desire and pursuit was extended in His love to us, even when we did not deserve it. He is
not loving us in order to get something in return, but extends His loving hand over and over again to win
220 | WEEK 5: Day 1

our hearts to the gospel. In the same way, we are to be extending this love to our wives, so that they can
see God in us, and also see His love flowing through us. This does not come naturally!
God is examining us (Heb. 4:13), and we should be examining ourselves (1 Cor. 11:31-32). Did I live up to
God’s example, or did I look at my wife’s behavior, what she did for me or didn’t do for me, and use that
to justify how I am treating her?
God wants you to love and cherish your wife according to her value to Him, as His daughter. Men, when
you initiate with this kind of love, God will bless you with a secure wife who is much more likely to
respect your leadership. However, when she isn’t behaving well, you are called by God to follow His lead,
not hers.
I know this is a hard truth.
Embrace Repentance and Change

I love my wife and believe that God picked her for me. So, she is perfect for me, but is she perfect? No,
there are times that she does or says things that get under my skin, but my response must be in line with
God’s Word. I made a commitment to serve my wife and love her as Christ loves the Church. Spending
time daily with the Lord, His Holy Spirit convicts me when I need it. It goes something like this: “Craig,
what did you say to Cha Cha?” And I say, “Yeah, God, but did You see what she did, hear what she said to
me?” And then the Spirit says, “Oh, yeah, you’re right, you’re excused.” Wrong! The Spirit says, “Wait a
minute. Could you imagine Me loving you that way? What if all the times you sinned over and over again
I lost patience with you, treated you with what you deserved, removed My love? God has never treated
you conditionally, and you should never treat your wife that way.” What can I say but, “Thank you,
Father, you are right.” When the Holy Spirit checks me like this, I need to repent of my attitude and go to
my wife and ask her to forgive me. That’s my part; that’s your part. And when you humble yourself, ask
forgiveness, and use the Word of God as your rule for loving, then you will experience the
transformation of your nature into the image of Christ. It is only by this obedience that you will
experience the true love of God flowing between you and your wife. Many times I have humbled myself
because I missed the mark with my wife, allowed her behavior or my selfish expectations to dictate how I
treated her. God calls that sin and there is no way out but confession and repentance.
Companionship Need #2: SANCTIFY AND CLEANSE HER WITH THE WASHING OF
WATER BY THE WORD. (VS. 26)
Moving through our passage in Ephesians, verse 26, God tells each husband to sanctify and cleanse his
wife by the washing of water by the Word.
WEEK 5: Day 1 | 221

Ephesians 5:25–26, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and
gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by
the word,”
I need to clarify a few things before we move forward. As you see, this passage is clearly telling the
husband that love for his wife must display the characteristics of Christ who, loving the Church so much,
gave Himself. In verse 26, the first word we see is “that”, speaking of purpose. Christ gave His life for the
church to redeem the church to Himself, so that He may “sanctify” her (set her apart to holiness), and
“cleanse her” through the washing of the Word of God. Ultimately, it is Christ who does the sanctifying
and cleansing of the wife, but God also has chosen the husband to be responsible in this sanctifying
process through his leadership, example, and the Word of God. This is where the washing of the water of
the Word comes in. God has given every husband the awesome privilege of using God’s precious Word to
minister to his wife.
One writer put it this way:
While the commentators disagree about the exact meaning of the phrase, “by the
washing of water with the word”(v.26), the few who even attempt to apply it, seem to
agree that the practical application of the passage is some form of the husband’s
assistance in the progressive sanctification process of his wife. As her spiritual leader, you
must “set her apart” (or make her holy), purifying her through the Scriptures. You must
help her, through the Word, to remove her spiritual spots and wrinkles and any [other]
such thing (v.28) that does not conform to the image of Christ. The way that you do this is
by obeying and using the Word in all of your dealings with her.42
This information refers to action, not lip-service or good intentions. How did they wash clothes in the
days when this author penned these words? Did they have washing machines? No. They had a creek.
They had buckets. They had to go down to the creek, pull the clothes out, put them on rocks, and they
had to physically do it with their hands, and that is the image God is giving you here. This is intentional
work; love your wife through your actions, what you say, and what you do in all things. This is why God
says you need to be a student of His Word (2 Tim. 2:15). How can we wash our wives in God’s Word if we
are not in His Word ourselves, and living out His truths ourselves? b Self-Examination 2
When a man takes time to learn how to live God’s way, and tend to the things God has given him, this is
washing his wife in the Word of God.
42 Lou Priolo, The Complete Husband: a Practical Guide to Biblical Husbanding (Amityville, NY: Calvary Press, 1999), 158.
222 | WEEK 5: Day 1

Men, write down areas where you are not confident that you are tending to your wife according to God’s
Word? (Ex: as a husband, companion, co-parent, in finances or…).
Then, write out a prayer to God, committing yourself to spend time learning His will through personal
study and/or finding someone to disciple you, to help you learn and grow.
Lead by Example
As God has appointed men to be leaders in the home, we cannot excuse ungodly behavior toward our
wives or children. Your wife will feel insecure, and maybe even fearful, which is the opposite of God’s
will. When God says you are to wash your wife with the water of the Word, He is speaking to you as a
priest, or the spiritual leader in your home. Are you spending daily devotional time with the Lord? Does
your wife witness you being in the Word and prayer yourself? The basis of having a relationship with
somebody is spending time with them. And the greatest gift given to us through Christ’s death for our
sins is the opportunity to have personal access to the living God. He is waiting for us, listening to us,
speaking to us through His Holy Spirit. If you are still struggling in this area, please refer back to Week
Two and review your notes on Having a Strong Foundation.
As leaders we are called to be an example. Spending time each day in the Word and prayer is not just to
be seen, but becomes real when we start living it. A wife will feel secure when she sees the results, sees
your new attitude towards her and life in general. So, men, it starts with us. Do you know if your wife has
a daily devotionals, daily time with God? It is not the responsibility of a church, or women’s ministry, to
wash your wife in the Word. It is your responsibility as a husband to help your wife develop a devotional
WEEK 5: Day 1 | 223

time by lovingly helping her, even becoming involved daily with her in sharing God’s Word. Do you know
what your wife is learning from the Word? Do you ever ask her, or listen to her struggles and victories as
she is seeking to live a godly life?

Read the following Scriptures and relate them to yourself. What attitude and desire should you have
toward the Word of God and its cleansing work?
Matthew 4:4, “But He answered and said, ‘It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone,
but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God’.”
1 Peter 2:2, “as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the word, that you may grow thereby,”
Psalm 119:9–10, “How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word. With
my whole heart I have sought You; Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!”
224 | WEEK 5: Day 1

Psalm 119:18, “Open my eyes, that I may see wondrous things from Your law.”
Psalm 119:33, “Teach me, O Lord, the way of Your statutes, And I shall keep it to the end.”
Psalm 119:165, “Great peace have those who love Your law, And nothing causes them to stumble.”
Develop Daily Prayer

It is our responsibility, men, one of our priestly duties, to initiate prayer with our wives every day. Initiate
it! When I say this to men, they often reply, “Well, it’s hard for me to pray in front of my wife.” Well, at
first it was hard to ride a bicycle, wasn’t it? It was a strange, off-balance feeling, maybe even frightening.
I was raised in a home where people did not pray personal prayers out loud. When God was testing my
heart saying, “I want you to be the spiritual leader, I want you to begin to pray with your wife, and I want
you to initiate prayer,” I remember it was challenging and awkward in the beginning. And I wanted my
wife to pray, too. I would squeeze her hand, as if to say, “It’s your turn.” But she did not want to pray out
loud. She even said, “Why do I have to pray?” I actually felt that she was supposed to join me, but it
took years before my wife felt comfortable praying in front of me. Not a few weeks, not a few months,
but years! So, men, your job is not to pressure her into it. Your job is to meet the companionship needs
that God has placed inside her. We will discuss this further in the lesson on leadership.
WEEK 5: Day 1 | 225

Do you know what your wife is reading? Have you helped her develop a devotional time? Do you talk
about spiritual things? Do you share the things that God teaches you in your devotional life? For many
years, my wife and I have been going through the same devotional, written by Oswald Chambers. I have
learned when my wife is sharing what she learned, not to give her a five-point, twenty-minute sermon in
response, “Well, you missed this, this, and this.” Do not do that. Praise her with a comment like, “That’s
awesome, honey,” and really mean it! You can also share what God says to you without making her feel
inferior. That is a lesson I have learned along the way.
So, as we men are becoming disciples of God’s Word, we are then able to humbly and lovingly disciple
our wives. And as priests in the home, if we have children, we are to disciple them, too. Most men have
not had an example of this, but let me caution you not to leave this to Christian school or a church youth
group.
Those are good additions, but not to take the place of your leadership.
Here are some other ways that a husband can sanctify his wife.
Specific Ways a Husband May Sanctify His Wife by Scripture43

• Be sure that your wife has enough time in her daily schedule for personal Bible study and
prayer. This may involve getting up earlier or rearranging your schedule so that you can
watch the children during this time.
• Spend time with her regularly (at least once a week) in Bible study.
• Encourage her to ask you for help in answering any questions she may have about Bible
doctrine or application.
• Make and explain your decisions on the basis of Scripture.

• Commend her for any and all biblical character traits, which she possesses (reverence,
self-control, discretion, love, joy, peace, etc.).
• Make every effort to provide her with valid scriptural reasons when you can’t give her
what she wants (explain those reasons to her).
• Be alert to even the smallest indications of spiritual growth and maturity in her and praise
her for them.
• Be faithful in your church attendance as a couple and family.
• Encourage other opportunities she may have to study the Scriptures (individually or with
others).
• Learn how to relate the Scriptures to life and life to the Scriptures. Talk of them in the
milieu of everyday activities (cf. Deut. 6:7).
• If your wife enjoys reading, invest in biblically-sound books (and Christian biographies).
43 These suggestions are adapted from Lou Priolo’s book, The Complete Husband: a Practical Guide to Biblical Husbanding
(Amityville, NY: Calvary Press, 1999), 162–163.
226 | WEEK 5: Day 1

• Make the dinner hour an enjoyable time and be open and free to discuss Biblical truth and
personal applications of Scripture.
• Determine which areas in her life she desires to change most and why she desires to
change them. Use these areas as spring-boards to search the Scriptures together for God’s
answers. (Be sure you also tell your wife the changes you’d like to see in your own life and
seek her assistance and prayers).
• Make time each week to disciple your children. See Appendix C and D for recommended
devotional and discipleship books, and see Appendix J for this as a separate handout.
If you want to fulfill your wife’s companionship need in this area, investing your time and effort in
becoming a true disciple of Christ is the way to accomplish it. It is not uncommon for the wife to be the
one working and worrying about getting to church, or being in a Bible study, or tending to the spiritual
condition of the children.
From my experience in counseling, men often react with an uncooperative attitude when their wives
want spiritual leadership from them. Men, this is a need placed in your wife by God; they didn’t ask for it.
I have heard from men when discipling them, things like, “Oh, she’s been nagging at me for ten years.
Honey, why don’t you pray with the kids and me? She has been throwing these things at me for years,
and everything is fine.” Or “I pay plenty to send them to a Christian school. My goodness, I’m doing
enough, aren’t I?” What I tell them is, “No, you’re being disobedient to Christ. There is a desire in your
wife’s heart for you to take the spiritual lead (Gen. 3:16c). God put that in her.” Let me speak to you
ladies, because you can get it wrong, too. Your attitude can result in a negative influence. Remember to
pray for your husband and encourage and affirm him, which is different from nagging and bears no hint
of judgment or condemnation.
WEEK 5: Day 1 | 227

Take some time and review the list of ways to sanctify your wife. Write out specific commitments to the
Lord on how you will start implementing these as your priestly duties.
WeeK 5: Day 3
God Promises to Help
For help, ladies, go to God’s instructions and be obedient to His Word. If you are a wife married to a
nonbeliever, and/or a husband in rebellion, remember 1 Peter 3:1-4. And there are promises in God’s
Word, as in Matthew 11:28, to encourage a wife living with such challenges: “Come to me all you who
labor or are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” There are many scriptures that encourage us to
persevere in godly behavior and faith when we find ourselves in difficult situations. God knows when we
are under the authority of a husband who is out of God’s will, or does not know God at all, and He gives
us the instruction to trust Him (God) and yield to the authority He has put over us (Rom. 13:1-4). As long
as it does not require you to sin, trust Him with the outcome. When a wife turns to the Lord and says, “I
know I have this need, but I am suffering because my husband is not answering Your call,” then her
loving Heavenly Father will intercede. He promises to supply all our needs. Live in obedience to meeting
your husband’s companionship needs, and God will bless you in unexpected ways.
228 | WEEK 5: Day 3


Based on the following Scriptures, write in your own words how God is involved in your life, and how you
can trust Him in your marriage.
Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love
God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”
Psalm 147:5, “Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; His understanding is infinite.”
Proverbs 15:3, “The eyes of the Lord are in every place, Keeping watch on the evil and the
good.”
1 Peter 3:12, “For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, And His ears are open to their
prayers; But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”
according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will,”
WEEK 5: Day 3 | 229

Philippians 4:19, “And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by
Christ Jesus.”
Based on the following Scriptures, write in your own words how we are to persevere or be steadfast in
difficult situations.
2 Timothy 1:12, “For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed,
for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have
committed to Him until that Day.”
2 Thessalonians 1:4, “so that we ourselves boast of you among the churches of God for
your patience and faith in all your persecutions and tribulations that you endure,”
Companionship Need #3: DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS. (VS. 27)

God, in His infinite wisdom, challenges us as husbands to not settle for less in our marriages.
Ephesians 5:27 says, “that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having
spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.”
230 | WEEK 5: Day 3

It is my belief this verse is not only revealing one of a wife’s unique companionship needs, but it also is
exhorting men to press in and not become lazy or complacent in the marriage relationship. Many a man
has settled for a mediocre relationship with his wife by being ignorant of God’s will and standards for a
godly marriage, and instead using only his limited male perspective as a measuring device. Others realize
things are not right, yet they are doing nothing. The wife sees you making time to further your career,
improve your golf game, help others in need, or serve in the church, but not to fix your marriage. This is
the opposite of what God says in verse 27 of Ephesians, where he is exhorting men not to settle for
anything less than His perfect will for their marriage.
God uses Himself as an example to emulate in Ephesians 5:25, saying “Husbands, love your wives, just as
Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” By doing this, He is elevating the importance and
priority a husband is to place upon his relationship to his wife. b Self-Examination 4

Ask God to give you His heart toward your wife. Ask Him for the grace to press in and work out these
principles you are learning about tending to your wife and meeting her companionship needs. Using the
space below, document today as the beginning of your commitment to work on this until God takes you
to be with Him in Heaven.
Companionship Need #4: HUSBANDS OUGHT TO LOVE THEIR WIVES AS THEIR OWN
BODIES. (VS. 28-30)
The Bible continues to emphasize and define a husband’s responsibility to sacrificially love his wife, by
comparing it to his love for himself, his own body.
Ephesians 5:28-30, “So husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who
loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and
cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His Body, of His flesh,
and of His bones.”
WEEK 5: Day 3 | 231

What this is saying to us as men is to treat our wives as an extension of our own bodies. Now, this is
difficult and may sound a little weird. Have you ever really listened to the way your wife talks to other
women? They are really different, not like us, but we are called to treat them as an extension of
ourselves. Women are looking at life from a whole different perspective than men.
For example, one of my wife’s close friends came over to help her plan our son’s wedding. She walks in
and my wife immediately spots the new pants she is wearing. Looked like Levi’s to me, but they launched
off in a lengthy discussion including when she bought them, where, and how long before she wore them,
and how she felt, and the trials of picking that pair and how much they cost, etc. Dudes do not talk like
that, and God wants me to love my wife as an extension of my own body, but I can’t relate to that
conversation at all. However, I can relate to the concept of wanting respect, or not being criticized or put
down for being who I am. I can relate to wanting my struggles and emotions to be considered reasonable
and important. I can relate to wanting to be loved and understood by my wife.
But guys, we need lots of practice. A man can walk up to another man and say, “Dude, you’re getting
fat.” And we’re okay with that. Hey, you never say that to your wife, it would be foolish and mean. Have
you ever noticed how your wife’s feelings get hurt over something you think is just silly? Or she gets
really sentimental or emotional about something one of the kids has done. And you are feeling no
emotion at all. In some circumstances, like family issues when mom or dad says something to them, or a
sibling hurts her feelings, and you’re thinking, “Call them up and tell them, ‘What you said hurt me and I
don’t want to talk with you again until this gets resolved.’ Just deal with it!” You know we can’t do that.
God has made us men so different, yet He says, “Even though you’re so different, I want you to learn how
to cherish and nurture her as an extension of your own body.”
This is an adventure, and I say that because I love adventures. I go to Baja, go deep sea diving in other
parts of the world, take missionary trips to faraway places, but my greatest adventure is trying to figure
out my wife. Men, you have to look at it like that and have a positive attitude. This is the wife that God
gave me and I need to learn how to cherish and nurture her as an extension of my own body, even
though she is so different. See what I mean; a challenge can be an exciting thing and the reward is a wife
that is fulfilled and happy.
Defining the implications of this text in Ephesians, and the idea of your wife being an extension of your
own body, one commentary puts it this way:
Christ loves the church, not simply as if it were His body, but because it is in fact His body.
Husbands therefore are to love their wives, not simply as they love their own bodies, but
as being one body with themselves, as indeed they are. Lest the staggering implication of
what he has affirmed should fail to register with his readers, Paul puts it in another way to
avoid ambiguity. So intimate is the relationship between man and wife that they are fused
232 | WEEK 5: Day 3

into a single entity. For a man to love his wife is to love himself. She is not to be treated as
a piece of property, as was the custom in Paul’s day. She is to be regarded as an extension
of a man’s own personality and so part of himself.44
Let me give you another example:
How many of you men have ever accidentally hit a thumb when hammering a nail, or slammed your
finger in a drawer, or whatever? Did you mean to do that? Did the left hand try to grab the hammer out
of the right hand and chase it around your body to hit it back? No. When the hammer hit my finger, my
whole body works in absolute unison with gentleness and swiftness to fix and heal it. This is what God
calls us to do for our wives; treat them like we do our own bodies. It does not matter if she is angry or
frustrated with you, or you think she brought some situation upon herself, you are called to tend to your
wife with gentleness and care.
My wife has shared with me how someone, maybe one of her friends, has hurt her feelings, and I am
thinking, “I can’t believe I’m hearing this.” And I want to say, “Oh, my gosh, Honey, let’s call her up and
tell her she’s a witch and hang up on her.” I mean, I’m having these thoughts, and I want to interrupt her
and tell her how to fix it, like a guy. But I have learned that many times she just needs me to listen, and
that is hard for a man. She just wants to pour her heart out and I had to learn how to attend to her, not
like a man, not like I want, but how she wants. Your wife is unique and God wants you to get to know her,
inside and out, so that you can tend to her needs and treat her as an extension of your own body. This
feels strange and requires patience and effort, but it will pay off with great rewards when your wife feels
that she can trust you with her feelings. This is security for a woman.
Companionship Need #5: A MAN IS TO NOURISH AND CHERISH HIS WIFE. (VS. 29)
God uses the words “nourish” and “cherish”, as he instructs us on how to treat and love our wives. The
statement, “no one every hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it,” is a self-evident truth, we
take care of ourselves.
These same terms are used to describe the farming process of tending to a plant to keep it healthy and
productive. In fact, the word “husband” in the English comes from the word “husbandman” and the
word “husbandman” means farmer. Men, we can and need to learn how to do this. What we have
learned already about loving our wives as Christ loves the church, being the priest of our family, treating
them as an extension of our own body, are ways of nourishing and cherishing them.
44 A. Skevington Wood, “Ephesians,” in The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Ephesians through Philemon, ed. Frank E.
Gaebelein, vol. 11 (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1981), 77.
WEEK 5: Day 3 | 233

But let’s consider that each plant is very different and very unique, just like your wife is different from
mine. Some need more water, some need more fertilizer, and some need more pruning. Which plant did
God give you? You can’t treat a rosebush like corn.
I have many rosebushes around my house, maybe 10 to 12 different species, and there are some
similarities in how I take care of them. I like roses; my sensitive side, I guess. I look at a rose, the brilliant
colors, and wonder how anyone could look at that and say there’s no God. They’re just amazing, the
scent that comes out and they’re so beautiful. But, with these different species, there are different
methods of pruning. Most of the watering is similar, but several species are more prone to bugs, so I
have to spend more time spraying them. I cannot treat them all the same if I want each bush to be as
beautiful as it can be. Your job, husband, is to find the uniqueness of your wife and learn how to cherish
and nurture her, to prune and fertilize and water in the ways that will cause her to flourish.

Based on the following Scripture, write down in your own words what goals a husband should pursue in
relation to his wife.
1 Peter 3:7, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the
wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your
prayers may not be hindered.”
How to Nurture and Cherish

When this verse describes the wife as “the weaker vessel”, it is not talking about physical strength, but
emotional strength. Women are emotional beings and that is a good thing. It helps them in their
mothering of children and makes them more sensitive to the situations around them. Most men need to
learn how to tap into that so they can learn how to be more sensitive and gentle toward their wife,
children and others. Remember, a wife is a helpmate given to us by God to help complete us. Truthfully,
many women, if given a choice, would love to have a switch they could turn on and off when it comes to
their emotions. Husband, quit fighting against the reality that your wife is an emotional being and start
adapting to her.
234 | WEEK 5: Day 3


Read the following Scripture and write out how it applies to accepting your wife’s nature.
Romans 12:10, “ Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving
preference to one another;”
During our study on love and communication, I revealed that my wife needs 30 minutes to one hour of
personal communication with me every day. In the beginning, my attitude was not right. My thought was
that I did not need to talk that much, so I would walk in from work saying to myself, “Okay, you got your
time. What do you need to say?” Even though I was doing it, my attitude was not nurturing at all. Our
wives know when we do that. Over time, God worked in me until I was truly willing to be available and
to listen. Eventually, I adjusted my schedule of personal devotions and did them earlier each day, when
our time together had to move from evening to morning. Commit time regularly to what your wife
needs, and be faithful to nurture and cherish her by showing how important she is to you.
My wife likes the house clean, to the point I might say a little OCD. You come to my house any day, and it
is spotless. Now, I’m not that way. Cleaning is just something I would rather let someone else do, and
when it was just my wife and me, it was fine. And then my kids came, and I saw that my wife was picking
up after me, and I could tell it was irritating her because of the extra work. But I thought that was her
job. The Lord spoke to me and said, “That’s not nurturing and cherishing your wife. This is a uniqueness
about your wife.” Praise God she really likes things neat; I just don’t want to clean, okay – that’s the
problem. That’s why my work shed is a mess. I know where everything is, but it’s a mess. If you look at
my shed and look at my house, you would say, “Something’s wrong. You got some different people living
there!”
But I learned. I have adapted to my wife’s nature, because I cherish her, by cleaning up my own messes.
And when God got my attention, our children were three or four years old, and they were little pigs,
leaving trails of toys all over the place, and my wife was just running around like a mad dog picking up
after them all the time. So I had to put a rule in place, “Look, your mom is not your maid.” So I clean up
after myself and I make sure the kids clean up their messes. If they don’t, they get a discipline, and also
have to clean up their own mess. This rule not only blessed my wife, it taught my children personal
responsibility and self-control, character traits they need to become a mature adult.
WEEK 5: Day 3 | 235

Our home is an endless source of projects for my wife, and she always has goals and plans in place. I
used to just blow these things off for weeks, months, and even years. My answer to her was, “Oh, I’ll get
around to it, honey, yeah, yeah, yeah.” My excuse was I had no time. But, at the first opportunity to do
something I enjoy, I would be gone. Our wives see this, and there is that leaky sink, or toilet, or that dead
plant that has been there for two years by the porch. Whatever it is, at some point your wife asked you
nicely, kindly, “Can you take care of it?” And by blowing it off, she feels that you are really blowing her
off. Is that cherishing and nurturing your wife? I learned to say, “Okay, honey, give me a time frame.” And
when we agree on that, I say, “I will make sure it is done by then.” And I do it. And if something
interferes, I communicate and we agree on a new plan. This shows my wife that she is important, being
cherished and nurtured like an extension of my own body. Her desires are given the same importance as
my own. b Self-Examination 5
Husbands, take some time right now, go before the Lord and ask Him to reveal the areas where you have
not been nurturing and cherishing your wife. Write them below.
4 Action Plan 2
Husbands, list four everyday things you can do for your wife that would cherish or nurture her. Note:
NOT “I go to work for her”! No you don’t, you go to work and provide for your family primarily for the
Lord.
1 Timothy 5:8, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his
household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
Sit down with your wife and ask her for her input on each of these, and be willing to receive her input on
what does and does not help her feel nurtured and cherished.
236 | WEEK 5: Day 3

WEEK 5: Day 3 | 237

4 Action Plan 3
Next, ask your wife for the five most important things that you can do for her around the house and
write them down below. Set a time frame for completion and stick to it. If there is a problem, make sure
you communicate that to your wife and set another date.
WeeK 5: Day 4
Family leadership is a Man’s Job
When my kids were living at home, I made sure that my wife was never mistreated. Then and now, they
speak to her and treat her with the greatest respect and honor because she is my queen. And so, when
my kids disrespected my wife, they got a discipline swiftly. That was part of nurturing and cherishing my
wife. Your wife is unique, and finding out who she is, then nurturing and cherishing her so she feels like
that extension of your own body is very, very important.
The Scriptures tell us it is our job to oversee peacekeeping in the home, which is part of managing the
home (1 Tim. 3:4-5). It is very important for men to know how to do this, how to tend to our wives in this
238 | WEEK 5: Day 4

area. In many homes, mothers are taking the lead in training the children. They are the ones setting the
rules, deciding on the discipline, doing most of the correcting and disciplining of the children. And for
whatever reason, many a wife believes this is her role and never sees that she is stepping outside the
protection of her husband and into a position where she is not going to feel that security. In fact, that
wife will eventually come to resent her husband because of it.
Establish and Oversee Discipline

Men, this is a serious problem in the body of Christ, in Christian homes. Maybe you did not have an
example of male leadership in the home where you were raised. Maybe your wife feels that you are too
harsh, and she needs to protect the children. I really blew it during the early years with our first son.
When I got angry, when Nick did something wrong, my veins popped out and I got very angry. My wife
saw this foolish, sinful behavior in most of the disciplining. She naturally began to think, “I can’t let him
lead here. I have to step in. This guy does NOT know what he is doing.” So this was an area that caused a
lot of contention between us. Men, when you are not leading correctly and lovingly in this area, it affects
your marriage in a big way.
Read what Ephesians 6:4 says to men:
Ephesians 6:4, “And you fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath but bring them up
in the training and admonition of the Lord.”
Notice it says “you fathers”, not you parents, or you mothers. This is an often overlooked and significant
point that we need to consider as Christians, as husbands and wives. God wants us to understand it, to
embrace it, and to practice it. In Week Seven l cover this in-depth.
A blended family is to operate in the same way; if you think because they are not your biological
children, you can redesign this instruction and come up with some other method, you will never
experience fulfillment in your marriage. Yes, there are additional issues to consider, but it does not
change the instruction that a husband, a father, has a responsibility to establish rules, oversee discipline,
and keep peace within that home. Yes, the wife should be part of planning the rules and means of
discipline, but then should submit herself to the authority of her husband and together follow the
discipline plan they have established.
Fathers, God has commissioned us to take the lead in the spiritual training and discipline of our children.
Most Christian men have never been taught that this is a God-given responsibility, and many just
relinquish that responsibility to their wives. Common protests are: my wife is closer to the children; she
understands them; she had a better home life; my mom did the discipline in our home; I’m too busy; I’m
too impatient and angry; etc., etc. God does not accept excuses, but encourages us through Scripture
WEEK 5: Day 4 | 239

that He has called you to this responsibility and He will provide what you need to do it well (Deut. 6:4-9;
Eph. 6:4). And part of that provision includes your wife; she has insights, as a mother and a woman that
you do not have. Value and accept her input all along the way. And wives, never criticize or correct your
husband in front of the children, or degrade him in any way to them in secret. All disagreements should
be handled privately, where the kids cannot hear your conversation.
Disobedience Brings Chaos and Destruction

Yes, a wife is an essential player in training and discipline; however, when she leads, the marriage is
affected negatively in many ways. When a woman is fighting for that position, she will end up feeling
overwhelmed, insecure, frustrated and even unfulfilled in her role as wife and mother. Often she will end
up complaining about both her children and husband, and eventually become unable to affirm her
husband, which is his companionship need. And men, when a wife is not affirming us, what do we do?
We seek affirmation somewhere else. We go to our jobs, our hobbies, to people and activities, or even
over involve ourselves in ministry. And wives may do the same by overworking, in or outside the home,
shopping, seeking entertainment away from you and the children, etc. As a husband and father, do you
feel like the odd man out because your wife and children have a life of their own, and she is spending all
her time and attention, getting her fulfillment from them?
Wives, if your life revolves around the children and their activities, and your husband is low on the
priority scale, or you are pursuing activities out of resentment or lack of fulfillment in your marriage,
something is very wrong! Both of you need to spend some time to get this right, because failure in this
area may lead to further resentment and un-fulfillment.
The pain of a broken home can last a lifetime if not dealt with biblically. Fathers, need to commit the
time to learn to be a parent. Any man who attended college, or has spent countless hours perfecting
skills for a sport, knows that both desire and effort are necessary to succeed. Some of you play golf,
which I still don’t understand. Do you realize how many hundreds of hours it takes to learn to hit that
little white ball straight? I mean, how many hours are you willing to invest learning to be a parent God
wants you to be?
These are the most important things we will ever do here on earth.
Most of us say, “Our kids are okay, they’re not killing anybody, they’re not shooting heroin. I mean,
what’s the big deal?” What’s the big deal? Here’s the big deal: God says if you’re not leading, if you’re
not tending to your wife in this area, you are not going to experience the fullness that He wants for you
and that will open the door of temptation, the door to things in your life that God doesn’t want to be
opened. This will definitely affect your ability to fulfill your wife’s companionship needs.
240 | WEEK 5: Day 4

Many wives are leading with the kids, handling discipline and all, and they are burned out. Instead of
being the nurturing mother that God has called them to be, they find themselves nagging, lecturing,
and/or arguing with the children, having a hard time even showing affection, especially as they become
teenagers. These are proofs that a home is out of order because the man is not leading, or she won’t
surrender to his leadership in the area of raising the children.
Now, again, mothers, I am not saying you are not involved. Absolutely, you are our completers. A man, a
wise man, pursues his wife’s input on setting rules. A wise man gets input from his wife on disciplining
the children; he seeks her perspective for devising corrective punishment; and he will delegate
responsibility to her when he is not present to carry this out. Teamwork is essential, and is God’s will.
And when mom is handling the kids in your absence, dad, then the children know that your authority is
behind everything she says and does. And they also know that you will deal with any disrespect to her
swiftly. This is how you provide security for your wife as she deals with the children.
Tend to Your Wife

Let me give you three very important points to remember when learning to tend to your wife.
1. It takes time.
Many men had bad examples or no example at home, so it takes time to learn. Failed efforts are part of
the learning process, as is the need to ask forgiveness, which shows your wife that you want to change
and learn how to be understanding and sympathetic. When your wife gets upset and walks away, and
says, “You don’t understand,” that is your cue for damage control. Remember this Scripture,
1 Peter 3:7 “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the
wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your
prayers may not be hindered.”

Read the following Scripture describing Jesus’ attitude toward us, then write two ways you can show this
same attitude toward your spouse.
Hebrews 4:15, “ For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our
weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.”
WEEK 5: Day 4 | 241

2. It takes willingness.
Men we need to show willingness and desire to lean and adapt. Go to her and say, “Help me understand
what I could have done better.” And, wives do not throw your emotions in his face. Men need facts; be
specific so that your man can learn to adapt.

Read the following Scriptures and write down how the biblical principles in these passages can help you
to be willing to adapt. Give an example for each.
1 Corinthians 10:24, “ Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.”
Romans 15:2–3, “Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, leading to edification.
For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who
reproached You fell on Me.””
Matthew 20:25–28, “But Jesus called them to Himself and said, ‘You know that the rulers
of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them.
Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him
be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave— just
as the
Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.’”
242 | WEEK 5: Day 4

4 Action Plan 4
Husbands, this is where you can take the lead. In a non-confrontational time, maybe take her out for
dinner and ask her this question, “What are three ways that I have failed to understand you and your
needs?” Men, this means you are prayed up and really desire to humbly take the time to hear, and
understand. You pray before you start the conversation. Write down what you learned below.
3. It takes communication.
Men we need to communicate, to talk through these things. This means that we need to listen, and
wives need to communicate without judging or attacking. Praise God if your man is trying to learn; never
use it as an opportunity to cut him down.

Read the following Scriptures and write down how the biblical principles in these passages can help you
to communicate in a godly way.
WEEK 5: Day 4 | 243

Colossians 4:6, “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may
know how you ought to answer each one.”
During our study on love, (Week 3), I explained how my wife and I had a season where we communicated
on the tough issues by writing letters. This is how we shared our feelings and helped one another
understand. Praise the Lord, we don’t have to do that anymore; we can just talk openly. For example,
“Honey, I didn’t like what you just did.” “Why?” And then we just talk about it. This ability to
communicate has come through time, and a mutual willingness. We need to help one another. Husband,
your wife’s security comes from knowing that it is your desire to treat her as you treat yourself. She will
feel this as you learn how to tend to her uniqueness in practical ways that demonstrate love and
gentleness toward her. When your wife sees you yielding to God, being transformed, it is this testimony
that will help her surrender to your leadership in the home.
Now, you may have a wife who is thinking, “I’ll be darned if I’m going to let this man lead. I’m not giving
up control of the kids. I’m not going to treat him that way. I don’t care what he does or doesn’t do.” I
have counseled in situations like this. Some women, hurt by husbands, fathers, or other men in their
lives, can have this type of resentment. So what is the answer? If your wife responds to your suggestions
with accusations and anger, how do you change a bad situation?
Responding biblically to Opposition

In 2 Timothy 2:24-26, God tells us what we need to do:
2 Timothy 2:24-26, “And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel, but be gentle to all, able
to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will
grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their
senses and escape the snares of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.”
244 | WEEK 5: Day 4

Six points for success, from scripture in Timothy.

1. Number one is “must not quarrel”. Do not argue or become defensive! What bad
habits have you developed? Pointing out your wife’s weaknesses and elaborating
on your strengths, or calling her crazy, will never work. You know, it takes two
people to argue, but only one to stop it.
2. Next is to “be gentle”, which means not harsh, mean, insulting, etc. And this also
includes body language and noises such as snorting, blowing and sighing.
3. The third point is, “able to teach”. Women are more emotional, and an effort to
bring clarity through logic and fact can be helpful. Calmly defining what you think
is the situation, restating what you believe she is saying, and asking questions can
diffuse anger. Which leads us to being, “patient in humility”.
4. The quality of “patience,” remember men, is one of the attributes of love. When
my wife and I started learning and applying this material, there were things she
was doing, or not doing, that really irritated me. I would literally tell God, “Oh, I
can’t take it anymore. You don’t understand the wife that I got.” Feel like this
sometimes? Go read the book of Job in the Old Testament; your situation is better.
Reading behind the lines, you can see that Job and his wife did not have a good
relationship. And added to that, consider all the trials that came upon Job;
obviously his wife was not on his side. Compare your trial, what you are going
through and, believe me, Job wins. And we read about former saints, our brothers
in the Lord, and hear what they went through for Christ, to do God’s will. This is
patience, which means we are called to endure with a good attitude.
5. The fifth aspect of character that we are to demonstrate when opposition comes is
“humility”, from the phrase “patient in humility, correcting those who are in
opposition“. Having a humble heart means that you do not see yourself as better
or more important than your wife, but totally equal in the sight of God. If you
intend to address your wife about her behavior, it must be done from a position of
equality, not superiority. Remember, you are not perfect as she is not perfect. Only
God is perfect, and He only is qualified to be a judge.
6. And this leads to “correcting,” which must be done as described, but is not to be
avoided. Be straightforward; never act pitiful, which is most unattractive to a
woman. What that means is not retreating, not becoming pitiful. Being pitiful is
acting with self-pity, being the victim, and it is weakness and it is sin. This attitude
is the opposite of Godly leadership. This will be addressed in Week 7. This is also in
Appendix, Appendix I.
WEEK 5: Day 4 | 245

When addressing problems, or perceived wrongs, consider each of the points just mentioned. Read
through the list and ask God to reveal areas needing change, and write them down below. Where you
have failed,
246 | WEEK 5: Day 4

ask forgiveness from God, then your spouse. Take the items and make them a matter of prayer, daily
bringing them before the Lord until they are worked out in your life.
For further help, see “Breaking the Cycle of Unloving Communication”, Appendix G.
WeeK 5: Day 5
Proper leadership is Consistent
Men, do not disappear into your projects, hobbies, or start acting like your wife does not exist. God says
it is necessary to correct, in humility, and this means standing strong in your responsibility to oversee
your family. Do not disengage. I have counseled couples where this has been the routine for years, and
the men have literally gotten scared to weigh in because the wife just pulls out both machine guns and
starts shooting. You have to see yourself as appointed by God to establish and keep your family in order.
You need to express to your wife that you want her to support you, and to work with you on this
particular decision or issue. Do not argue, but be gentle, able to teach, patient and humble, but stick
with your corrective ideas.
It might sound something like, “Honey, we’re going to stop this. I know you want to throw all these things
in the mix but it confuses the issue, I’m not going there. This is an issue and we need to fix it. And I’m
willing to be patient, I want to pray about it, I want to come up with a solution.”
And when you do that, your wife may react with some anger, she may buck you, but you are not the first
to go through it. I have counseled many men over the years that started to apply this process, and it did
WEEK 5: Day 5 | 247

bring up some World War I, II, III, and IV in their homes. Some men had to go take a walk because their
wives would just go into an explosion when he refused to argue. He wasn’t playing by the rules that used
to be; he was not screaming back, being defensive, and acting pitiful, so she was playing by herself, and
that was no fun, and she just worked herself up into a tizzy.
One couple I worked with went through this routine five or six times. The husband went for a walk and
when he returned home, his wife was bawling her eyes out. Finally she broke and said, “This is my
problem.
I’ve been telling myself it’s you, and you’re not doing what you should. And it’s me, not you, but my sin,
and honey, be patient with me I’m having a hard time trusting God and you to lead our family.”
Men, we need to follow God’s Word, even in the face of opposition. Your wife may not realize that her
defiant opposition and disrespect is damaging the relationship, but God is faithful if we are patiently
obedient and do it His way. And remember, failure is predictable, but we simply need to repent and ask
forgiveness of both God and our spouse, and continue on the right path. Satan is the accuser; God is our
deliverer.
a Final Word to Men

Understanding God’s Word, His instructions, is not so difficult; the hard part is denying our flesh and
yielding to His Spirit, then humbly taking responsibility each time we fail by asking forgiveness. If you
want to prove to God, yourself, your wife, and your children that you desire change, then make a
commitment to crawl up in God’s lap every day and beg for His grace and mercy. It begins there.
In Week 2 of our study, we stressed the importance of building intimacy with God by abiding in His
presence. This is where we receive the power to obey and fulfill His will. You cannot love your wife,
nurture and cherish her the way that God desires, in your own strength. It was never God’s intention for
us to try and make it alone. God created us to be in fellowship with Him, to have his love and power
poured into us. That is why Jesus died for our sins on that cross, to bring us back into fellowship with the
Father. When you receive God’s gift of salvation in Christ, He takes you just the way you are, takes you
into His house as His beloved child.
As God’s child, you are a partaker of His very nature and equipped to do all things the way He would (2
Pet. 1:2-3). But just as we can ignore and rebel against our earthly parents, God does not force us to
come to Him, or yield to His Word or will. You must choose to spend time with Him every day. It is just
foolish not to jump at the chance to ask the God of the Universe, “God, give me grace, give me mercy;
teach me the things that You have for me.” Because God is not a liar, and all His promises are “yes” in
Jesus Christ (2 Cor. 1:20). And God has witnesses that what He says is true. I have experienced it, and my
248 | WEEK 5: Day 5

wife and children have witnessed it as they have seen the gradual transformation of my character right
before them, by the grace of God. He gets all the glory.
God says in His Word that a marriage, the relationship between you and your wife, is to reflect Christ’s
relationship to His Church. Bringing that glory to God through marriage cannot occur when we are
behaving according to ignorance and selfishness. When you make the commitment to follow His
instructions, desire to please Him above yourself, and endure through hard times and failure, you will
experience fulfillment that you never imagined possible. God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek
Him (Heb. 11:6). Instead of constantly asking God to change your spouse, pray for Him to change you.
Remember, our Creator God has provided the way, and all we have to do is enter in. He really wants to
bless us.
Prayer of Commitment:
Thank You, God, that You did not ask us to do these things in our own power and might. It
is by Your grace, by Your wonderful promises, and we pray that You would do a mighty
work in our hearts. Lord, if we have been doubting who we are in You, if we have been
seeing ourselves in the way we were in our past, our past experiences, our past failures,
we pray that You would wash our minds with Your truth and promises. God, we need to
trust that we are Your children, and that You enable us to do all things according to Your
will. Lord, You have called us, anointed us, and You will teach us. Give us a desire to invest
the time to learn how to be a great husband/father and wife/mother in our home. Lord, I
pray that You would stir us up. Help us to see the importance of this in our lives. Please
continue to bring healing, and forgiveness, and reconciliation. God, it is our hearts’ desire
that You would be glorified in our lives. We thank You, we praise You, and we ask these
things in Jesus’ name.
Wife’s Needs Worksheets

To help you apply what you have learned, we have created the following two worksheets. Completing
them is vitally important, and following through with communication between husband and wife is
essential for improvement in meeting her companionship needs. Please read the instructions below;
worksheets follow.
1. Worksheet #1: Wives, do you feel secure and fulfilled?
The purpose of this worksheet is to help a wife clarify the specific companionship needs
that God has put within her, and provide structure for meeting them. When a wife
privately and prayerfully assesses her husband’s success at providing these needs in each
WEEK 5: Day 5 | 249

of the prescribed areas, she is able to provide him with an evaluation from her
perspective. This process will reveal why and where there are areas of struggle in the
marriage, and show a husband how to improve his obedience to God as it relates to
meeting his wife’s needs. This will also provide the wife with a new or renewed
understanding as to why she may be experiencing difficulty pursuing intimacy and
companionship with her husband. Often times, when a wife is not receiving the love and
security she needs, she is vulnerable to temptations of the flesh, or Satan, which can lead
to satisfying these needs with other people and activities, and neglecting the relationship
with her husband. This will result in failure to provide the affirmation her husband needs
by placing him in a lower priority than children, career or outside activities. Destruction
and damage to the marriage will follow if this downward spiral is not turned around by
placing trust and confidence in the Word and power of God.
Read the instructions and example at the bottom of Worksheet #1 to learn how to
incorporate this with Worksheet #2.
2. Worksheet #2: Developing specific, practical, non-judgmental suggestions.
Prayerfully write out practical, non-judgmental suggestions for your husband to show him
how to meet your companionship needs. Be sure to clarify the specific area of need, and
ask for God’s help to define your need and to make it reasonable. Give one or two
suggestions for each area where you graded your husband less than a four. This will be
difficult, but we exhort you women not to abandon the activity, but to pray. Be specific
and not general. Make the suggestions practical so implementation is possible, and non-
judgmental to avoid discouraging your husband. If necessary, seek additional help from a
church leader, an assigned marriage mentor, or your pastor.
Follow-Up Activities
After a wife completes the two worksheets, she is ready to meet and discuss the outcome with her
husband. Men, listen lovingly and patiently, but you must also use a pad to write in your own words her
specific, practical, suggestions as a guide for change.
• Find a private place and time to discuss results. A wife must have the opportunity to
carefully and comfortably present at least two suggestions for each area from
worksheets one and two where she rated her husband at four or less. Remember,
you are to communicate about these areas in a way that glorifies Christ. Seek help
from a church leader, marriage mentor, or your pastor if things become difficult, but
do not abandon this exercise.
250 | WEEK 5: Day 5

• We suggest that every couple begin this discussion in prayer: ask God for grace and
gentleness in communication, a receptive heart, and protection from the attacks of
the enemy and his attempts to discourage obedience to Christ.
• We encourage every married couple to resist the temptation to become defensive.
Husbands, first repeat back what you hear your wife say, before writing out your
practical response. In this way, you eliminate misunderstanding, and show her that
you respect her feelings and needs. Be specific when writing and implementing your
plan for change.
Remember:
• Our faithfulness in completing all of the homework is the beginning of a truly
wonderful relationship with our spouse.
• Our transformation happens only as we abide in Christ. Our daily devotions and
obedience to His word, including confession and repentance of our mistakes, are
critical to this process.
Remember, practicing loving communication and biblical forgiveness and reconciliation are the tools God
uses to break up the hardened soil of your heart, and your spouse’s heart, so His Word and grace can
have the impact He desires. He will have victory if we come to Him, hear Him, and yield to His
instructions. Appendix M has a worksheet “Reasons Husbands Fail to Lead or Wives Fail to Affirm Them”,
if you are having difficulty please refer to this handout.
WORKSHeeT #1: examination and evaluation

Wife: for the list below, use a scale of 0 to 5 (0 being not at all; 5 being fulfilled) and rate how you feel
fulfilled by your husband in these areas. This is not a time to be vindictive but to begin to bring clarity
and healing to these areas. See “Trusting God in Your Marriage Means Practicing Forgiveness”, Appendix
P, if needed. Do not share this with your husband yet. Read the instructions at the bottom of this page
after you have prayerfully completed this worksheet. Worksheets #1 and #2 are part of the Appendix,
Appendix K.
Wives, do you feel affirmed by your husband in these areas?

WEEK 5: Day 5 | 251

Spiritual
• Discussing Personal Devotion ____ • Accepting your input ____
Communication
Caring about your day’s events ____
Able to share honestly how you feel about all subjects ____
Discussing finances ____
Always speaks with love and gentleness ____
Makes himself available each day to talk ____
Feel safe to share deepest needs or emotions with him ____
Feel free to laugh and/or cry with him ____
Always speaks lovingly to you ____
Always speaks honorably about you to others ____

Tells you he loves you often ____
Regular sexual relations ____
Able to share openly your desires for physical fulfillment ____
Non-sexual touching
Cuddling ____
Holding hands ____
Hugging ____
Massaging ____
Kissing ____
Parenting
Willing to lead in the discipline of the children ____
Does not allow the children to disrespect you ____
Cares about and participates in the children’s interests ____
Always speaks honorably about you in front of children ____
Willing to show proper affection to the children ____
After you have completed this worksheet, do not discuss it with your husband. Instead, on Worksheet
#2, write out some specific, non-judgmental, practical suggestions for your husband, things you want
him to do, or not do, in each area where you rated him at four or lower. For example: if you gave your
husband one of the lower marks for discussing finances, your suggestion might be for your him to be
willing to calmly discuss an income and expense budget together, and commit to a joint monthly review.
252 | WEEK 5: Day 5


Wives, this is the time to develop specific, non-judgmental suggestions. Remember, the result of this
exercise is a prepared, reasonable foundation for loving communication, without an attitude of hostility
or condemnation, complete with practical guidelines. Remember, the needs of men and women are
different as part of God’s design; men and women see life from a very different perspective, so we must
make our needs known to our spouses. It is very important that suggestions are complete, including
specific explanation and positive encouragement, but also as brief as possible. Consider how your
suggestions might sound if someone was giving them to you. Don’t compromise, but be gentle and
considerate of each other during discussion.
Spiritual
Communication
WEEK 5: Day 5 | 253

Non-sexual touching
254 | WEEK 5: Day 5

Parenting
these areas.
Spiritual
Wife rated husband with a 3 for “Going to church”.
• How can we work together as a team when getting ready to go to church? Maybe you could
help with the kids. ( Or) How can we be more diligent to plan on going each Sunday? (Or)
Will you commit to go to church every Sunday, and let it be the exception that keeps us
from going, not the exception when we do go?
Husband rated at 0 for “Bible study with children”.
WEEK 5: Day 5 | 255

• Do you think it would be possible to have some type of Bible study with the children, maybe
once a week? What would be the best time and day for you?
Husband received a 2 for “Praying together”.

• Would you pray with me each day in the morning, or before we go to bed?
Communication
Wife gave him a 2 for “Discussing finances”.
• I know finances is not an easy subject for us, how can we communicate about that?
Maybe we can plan a time to get away for a few hours, where we will not be
interrupted. That way we can pray and discuss it more thoroughly.
Husband received a 1 for “Makes himself available each day to talk”.

• I really would like it if we could spend some more time talking with each other on a daily
basis. What do you think would be a good time for you to do this?

Wife gave husband a 2 for “Tells you he loves you often”.
• I would like to hear “I love you” more often, it really encourages me and gives me security;
maybe you could put that on your prayer list.
Husband at 2 for “Able to share openly your desires for physical fulfillment”.
in future lessons, complete with tools and questions to help facilitate this process.)
Non-sexual touching
• It would be very encouraging to me if when you touch me that it does not always lead to
sexual relations. I would like it if we could just sit together and cuddle, just because you love
me and want to show affection.
Wife gave husband a 2 for “Kissing”.

• It would also be nice if you could kiss me when you are leaving whenever possible.
This really helps me feel secure.
256 | WEEK 5: Day 5

Parenting
Husband received a 2 for “Willing to lead in the discipline of the children”.
• Could you please be involved in the disciplining of the children when you are home? I want
to support you in any way I can in the discipling of the children, and it would be very
reassuring to the kids and me if you did this.
Wife gave a 1 for “Cares about and participates in the children’s interests”.
• I know that you are very busy, but could you please pray about participating in some of the
children’s interests and events? It would be great to do this with you.
Wife felt husband deserved a 3 for “Always speaks honorably about you in front of the children”. •
Sometimes you speak negatively about me in front of the kids. Do you think we can go into our
bedroom and discuss those things that I seem to be doing wrong, and not in front of the
children?

WEEK 5: Day 5 | 257

lead to patience, which leads to a state of being that God calls “lacking nothing”. God works in us, but
the time it takes to learn depends upon our cooperation. Growth comes when you put your faith in Him
by learning His will, following it, and having a deep desire to become holy as He is holy.
about our spouse’s needs, and become the husband or wife that God intends. The word discipline
simply means to train.
He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no chastening seems to
be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, aferward it yields the peaceable fruit
of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”
258 | WEEK 5: Day 5


Apply the response:

Confirm: When your spouse says either “that was un-affirming” or “that hurt”, your response needs to
be “I am sorry”, or “help me understand what I did”, stated kindly.
Examples:
to me.
WEEK 5: Day 5 | 259

how to meet them.

preference. Can personal preferences be wrong? Yes! If one’s personal preference is contrary to the
Deuteronomy 4:2 says, “You shall not add to the word which I command you, nor take from
it, that you may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you.”
Preferences that may violate God’s truth can include entertainment (movies, TV, music),
selfish sexual desires, manner of dress, friendships, child rearing methods, church
attendance, and more. For example, a wife or husband may choose a friend that is
inappropriate, or is dragging them into sinful activities; one partner may desire sexually
explicit films; or a man may desire sex weekly and his wife denies him and sticks to her once
a month preference; a mother may insist on taking the lead in child discipline and not
receive her husband’s input. When a conflict or situations arises like these, a married couple
needs to look into God’s Word and or seek godly counsel to resolve it.

260 | WEEK 5: Day 5

precisely why forgiveness is essential; every person is called by God to practice forgiveness, both by
giving it and asking for it.
1. Self-examination: When you feel pain that you believe was caused by your spouse,
take a moment and examine your own heart. Ask yourself: is this truly a failure to meet
my companionship need, or do I just want my own way? (Use our information on
companionship needs for men and women as your self-examination guide.)
2. Identification: be able to communicate exactly what was said or done by your spouse
that was un-loving, un-affirming, or not cherishing or nurturing.
attention, then conclude by telling them “I do not feel affirmed when you…” (men), or
“I do not feel cherished when you…” (women). Be completely open at this point, for
communication and clarification, not denial or debate.
4. Clarification: propose a clear action plan so that your spouse knows what hurts you,
and what they can do differently to meet your companionship need in this particular
area, or situation.
5. Forgive: Showing grace and forgiveness toward one another in these learning
opportunities is so important. It is our sin nature and the devil’s desire that we focus on
the other person’s sin, not our own, and justify an agitated, harsh or sinful response to
them when they blow it. Remember, two sins never make anything right.
This worksheet is also in the Appendix, Appendix L.
WEEK 5: Day 5 | 261

Week 6: Sexual Fulfillment In
Marriage
WeeK 6: Day 1
Introduction
God created this planet we call Earth, complete with all its inhabitants. Furthermore, within His amazing
creation, God’s most precious possession is mankind. To prove this, He inserted Himself into the human
race, in Jesus Christ, to redeem us from sin so that we could live eternally with Him. In Psalm 139:14, the
Bible says that humans are “fearfully and wonderfully made,” which encompasses every detail of what God
intended for us. One of His most significant blessings is the ability to experience pleasure, and a very
significant aspect of that is sexual pleasure. So, if God created sex for our pleasure, then why is this a topic
of such controversy and even the source of great evil? God does not make mistakes, so the problem must
lie with mankind and his lack of understanding or misuse of sex.
We usually close our chapters with a prayer, but due to the complexities of this subject, let’s open this time
with prayer:
“Father, thank you for the gif of sex. Thank you for creating our bodies to experience such
intense pleasure; please teach us the meaning of the sexual experience as You have
designed it. And please forgive us, Lord, for the times and ways we have allowed the world’s
viewpoint to influence us, when we changed sexual pleasure into something you never
intended it to be. So God, I pray that you would change our hearts, bringing love and
conviction, and give us the desire and the will to change our attitudes and behavior. Help us
to see sex as a gif from You and use it according to Your design. Use the Word of God and
the Holy Spirit to give us wisdom, and change us we seek to glorify You, Father, in all that
we say and do. We pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.”
The Bible is clear on God’s design for sex and, for our purposes here, we have organized the information
into three specific lines of thought. It is very important for us to meditate on this material repeatedly and
constantly until we can view sex in the context of God’s intentions.
WeeK 6: SexUal FUlFIllMeNT IN MaRRIaGe
WEEK 6: Day 1 | 221
biblical Principle 1: Sex and One Flesh

God’s first purpose for the sexual union is to bind a man and woman together, body and soul.
Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife,
and they shall become one flesh.”
1 Corinthians 6:16, “Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her?”
We can see from Genesis that God intended sex to take place within marriage. The verse in Corinthians
shows a misuse of this union, yet notice that the result is still becoming one, the two become one flesh. Of
course, the world is far away from God’s concept today and reaching further still into violating His will for
the sexual relationship.
One biblical dictionary says that “one flesh”…
…Involves the unity of the whole person: purpose, physical, and life—a unity whereby the
two become a new, God-designed, balanced life. They counterbalance each other’s
strengths and weaknesses. Sexually, the two become “one flesh” physically as reflected in
their offspring. God’s ideal exclusiveness of the “one flesh” relationship disallows any other
relationship: homosexuality, polygamy, adultery, premarital sex, concubines, incest,
bestiality, cultic prostitution.45
And I would also disallow “personal sexual pleasure.” We should embrace God’s design with all our heart;
He made marriage to be one flesh between man and woman.
biblical Principle 2: Sex and Procreation

The sexual union is designed to produce children, or increase population, which is called procreation.
Genesis 1:27–28, “So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created
him; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be
fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea,
over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.’”
Although failing to produce children within a marriage is not a sin, God designed mankind to populate the
planet. And on a more personal note, the scriptures state that “even the hairs on our heads are
numbered,”
45 Walter A. Elwell and Walter A. Elwell, Evangelical Dictionary of Biblical Theology, Baker Reference Library; Logos Library
System (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1996).
222 | WEEK 6: Day 1

(Luke 12:7) showing that each person is born with the foreknowledge of God and each is precious to Him.
He is personally interested in the birth, life and salvation of every individual.
Be fruitful and multiply. This motif (theme) recurs throughout Genesis in association with
divine blessing (see 9:1, 7; 17:20; 28:3; 35:11; 48:4) and serves as the basis of the biblical
view that raising faithful children is a part of God’s creation plan for mankind. God’s
creation plan is that the whole earth should be populated by those who know Him and who
serve wisely as His vice-regents or representatives to subdue it and have dominion.45
Again, our society has gone well beyond God’s plan with alternative lifestyles that include procuring and
rearing children without the benefit of marriage.

Read the following Scriptures and write down what God says about having children.
Psalm 127:3–5, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a
reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the
man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, But shall speak with their
enemies in the gate.”
45 Crossway Bibles, The ESV Study Bible (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2008), 51–52.
WEEK 6: Day 1 | 223

Genesis 33:5, “And he lifed his eyes and saw the women and children, and said, “Who are
these with you?” So he said, “The children whom God has graciously given your servant.””
Deuteronomy 28:4, “Blessed shall be the fruit of your body, the produce of your ground and
the increase of your herds, the increase of your cattle and the offspring of your flocks.”
biblical Principle 3: Sex and Pleasure

Sexual activity within marriage is acceptable for sheer pleasure, or recreation.
The following passage is very clear that a husband is to be satisfied sexually only with his wife. As you read
it, please meditate on the specific words and phrases used.
Proverbs 5:18-19, “Let your fountains be blessed and rejoice with the wife of your youth as
a loving deer and graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you at all times, and always be
enraptured (ESV intoxicated) with her love.”
Fact File
Satisfy: rawah (Hebrew) A verb meaning to give water, to drench; to drink one’s fill. It refers
to giving someone a drink literally and figuratively (Ps. 36:8[9]; 65:10 [11). It means to drink
all that one wants, to satisfy (Prov. 5:19; 7:18). 46
Enraptured: sagah (Hebrew) Isaiah used this verb to suggest swerving, meandering, or
reeling in drunkenness (Isa. 28:7). At times, it could define intoxication, not only from wine
or beer but also from love (Prov. 5:19, 20).47
46 Warren Baker and Eugene E. Carpenter, The Complete Word Study Dictionary: Old Testament (Chattanooga, TN: AMG
47 Ibid., 1101.
In this verse, the words “satisfy” and “enraptured” indicate a fulfilling and fruitful sex life, a union of great
pleasure. We all understand that sex is desirable and intoxicating, but it can quickly turn from a blessing to
a guilty pleasure. There are those people who, like alcoholics, must confess to being “sex-aholics”. With the
introduction of the internet, pornography has reached new dimensions of distribution and perversion. This
is what happens when God’s gifts to mankind are not used according to His plan and express guidelines.
But keep your guard up, and do not let the abuses of this world in the area of sex poison your personal
belief or attitude toward it. It is God’s intention that a husband and wife be intoxicated with one another.
One author uses this text in Proverbs to instruct men on keeping the sexual relationship pure and focused:
No one can deny the excitement of physical attraction. Proverbs calls on the man to channel
that excitement toward his wife. He should appreciate her beauty as if she were a graceful
deer and be satisfied with her body and her love. He should love her “alone” (v. 17) and
always...So God intends a man to be exhilarated with the affection of his own wife, not
some other man’s wife.4849
48 Max Anders, Holman Old Testament Commentary: Proverbs (Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman, 2005), 50.
49 | WEEK 6: Day 1
God designed sex for the three reasons we have just mentioned, and it is very clear in scripture that any
sexual pleasure derived outside of marriage is sin and becomes perverted. When we use God’s gifts for
sin, then we experience painful consequences instead of blessings. Today, the influence of sin has
become so strong in this area that even those who intend to use it only within marriage are sometimes
lured into sinful practices and twisted perspectives. b Self-Examination 1

Review these 3 purposes, and then write down how this information has changed your current
perspective toward sex.
Write down the 3 purposes below:
Purpose 1: ____________________________________
Purpose 2: ____________________________________
Purpose 3: ____________________________________
WeeK 6: Day 2
Common Unbiblical Perceptions about Sex
Many have been influenced by worldly ideas, selfish expectations, or Satan, all leading us to view sex in a
wrong way. Satan has done a tremendous work here by introducing his lies and confusion. Any gift God
has given, Satan wants to ruin; he uses every avenue of communication, including magazines, media,
news, TV, internet, etc. to present this beautiful gift that was designed for us in marriage into something
sick, twisted or even wrong. Wondering about the word “slaves”? The scriptures tell us that until we are
free in Jesus Christ, we are actually slaves to sin (John 8:34; Rom 6:6-7). Beginning in Genesis 3:4-5, we
see Satan tempting humans to doubt God’s goodness, insinuating that God wants to deprive us of
something. We know what that has brought into the creation.
Let’s consider some of the unbiblical perspectives we may have regarding sex, and identify the source.
WEEK 6: Day 2 | 267

1. A Worldly Perspective
Do not let the worldly evil surrounding sex affect your perspective. The negative or sinful influences
perverting sex are all around us all the time, we must keep God’s perspective, guard our minds with His
word on this subject!
Titus 1:15 says, “To the pure, all things are pure. But to those who are defiled and
unbelieving, nothing is pure. But even their minds and conscious are defiled.”
Fact File
Defile: miano (Greek), to stain with color as the staining of glass, to tinge, pollute, defile. 50
From the beginning, false teachers have been distorting God’s word; we should not be surprised by what
the world has done to sinfully defile the things He has created for our pleasure and our good. But we
have hope, we have God’s promise from His word that the victory over sin has been won by Jesus Christ
(Rom 6:6-7). Hide the Word of God in your heart, stay accountable and in fellowship with other believers
in the body of Christ. Remember that the Bible refers to our temptations as “warfare”, and we need to
use all the weapons that God has provided for us, and that He has always made a way of escape. Follow
Him, look for it.
There is the temptation, the tendency to view sex negatively, as crude. This seems to occur more often
among women. Reasons can be the poor sexual example of a parent with that attitude, perhaps an
unhappy mother, or that the subject was considered improper and not discussed. Women are more
often sexual victims of rape and molestation, and more inclined to give sex for approval or love, only to
be discarded by a guy as passing entertainment. This is why we must be aware of God’s design for sex,
and marriage, and remember that sex itself is pure and positive.
The world even offers temptations to bring into a marriage, between husband and wife. Every couple
needs to develop their own private means for enjoying each other sexually, through communication and
experimentation; however, this absolutely should not include the perversions offered by the world. If
pornography is perversion, when is it not perversion? Never! Never embrace worldly evil, shun it as
unnecessary and unwanted, then you will be free to pursue your own creativity leading to the true
pleasure and satisfaction that can exist only between husband and wife.
If you find yourself acting from a worldly perspective in regard to sex, confess it to God and your spouse,
and then pray, asking for a new perspective according to God’s word. Again, remember that you will both
be assaulted continually by negative influences from the world. When you watch television, you will see
commercials with sexual content and, ladies, you can find yourself offended or, men, you get charged up
50 Spiros Zodhiates, 984.
268 | WEEK 6: Day 2

and feeling aggressive, and you can take those attitudes into the bedroom, like a hangover. These
influences are real and they are assaulting us; this is a real battle, so figure out how to fight off the
negative attitudes and look to God for help because He does not want you missing out on His gifts. b
Self-Examination 2
Have these, or any other negative influences affected your perspective in this area? If so, write them
below.
If you identified negative influences, have you applied the biblical principles of forgiveness and
reconciliation? For more information, please go to Appendix P and work through the section on
“Trusting God in Your Marriage Means Practicing Forgiveness”.

Read the following Scriptures and write down what happens when we follow the world, or when we
follow God.
1 John 2:15, “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world,
the love of the Father is not in him.”
WEEK 6: Day 2 | 269

Romans 12:2, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the
will of God.”
2. Condemned for Past Sins

We must not let our sexual past rule our future, or resign us to condemnation. With God, there is
forgiveness and new life. Let’s face it, most of us did not have the most spiritual introduction to sex. We
live in a world that seduces men to look at porn and indulge in self-sexual pleasure. Our kids are being
told that masturbation and extramarital sex is cool, and they can talk about it with their friends. Women
and young girls are now “liberated” from sexual repression and encouraged to pursue pornography,
masturbation, sex with toys, and told that men are unnecessary. This is what the world is teaching about
sex; if you were caught and have participated in these activities, confess and repent, follow after biblical
truth and pursue behavior based on biblical principles and new attitudes.
I hear all the time that men think about sex hundreds of times a day. Sure, if you are looking at porn and
masturbating continuously, believe me, you are going to be obsessed with sex. I wish that I had known at
age 13, when my friends and I got into that stack of magazines, what it would do to my brain and how
hard it would be to get out of that sin. Many men have used pornography for sexual pleasure, helping
them compensate for difficulties of life; lack of approval from a non-affirming/unloving father, or an
unloving/ dominating mother, or even for marriage problems. If you indulged in porn pre-marriage, do
not infect your wife with this poison! How many drops of poison would you put in a clean glass of water
before you wouldn’t drink it? Work to leave this in the past, and walk forward into a new life that God
says is beautiful and pure gift from Him, expecting satisfaction and blessings.
If you had sex before marriage, believe me, it has affected your intimacy after marriage. For men, it
produces insensitivity and selfishness, for women it increases the struggle to trust and yield to your
husband’s leadership. A popular song says, “Your body is a wonderland,” but a woman’s body is not a
sampler plate for a man’s pleasure prior to marriage. Women have been tricked into considering this a
compliment; inciting men to lust or playing the field is portrayed as fun in the movies, but bears no
positive payoff in real life. You planned to be married, decided to begin your sexual relationship, went
through with the wedding and, in a few years, your sex life started to fail. Marriage does not fix the
270 | WEEK 6: Day 2

consequences of your sin. God forgives. And if you haven’t asked your spouse to forgive you for what you
did before your marriage, you need to do that.
4 Action Plan 1
Have you asked God and each other forgiveness for what you did sexually with others or even together
before you were married? If not, take some time and do that now.

Read the following Scripture and write what God says about your new relationship with Him, and how to
perceive things now that you are “in Christ”.
2 Corinthians 5:17, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have
passed away; behold, all things have become new.”
Romans 6:4, “Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as
Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in
newness of life.”
3. Trapped by Tragedy
Many men and women have sexual molestation or rape in their past. You can be delivered; do not
choose to live with this hurt. More children suffer molestation than we realize. If this is in your past, do
not try to cope by stuffing it, which will not work. If you do not apply the biblical antidotes of forgiveness
and healing, then the hurt, the wound, or bitterness will poison this wonderful gift that God has for you
today. We have brought this up several times, encouraging you to take care of your past in a biblical way.
Do not let another person’s sin against you infect and ruin your attitude and ability to enjoy this
beautiful gift of intimacy and pleasure that God has provided.
Sexual perversion is anything outside of God’s will and guidelines. If you were forced into a sexual act
against your will, there will be long-term damage if you do not confront this hurt and ask for God’s help.
WEEK 6: Day 2 | 271

Biblical counseling, talking to a pastor, and spending time meditating in the scriptures through reading
and prayer will be your weapons. So, if you have been affected in this area and you know right now God
is speaking to you, I’m exhorting you to also go through the forgiveness material. Again, Appendix P has
“Trusting God in Your Marriage Means Practicing Forgiveness” guidelines to help you through the
process of applying forgiveness to the person or persons who have wounded you. Pray this prayer: “God,
I’m forgiving (that person) for what they did and asking that You heal me from the memory and the pain.
I do not want evil from the past to ruin Your gift to me.”
4. Therapy by Revenge
There is no denying that marriage can bring out the worst in any of us. So how do you deal with the
reality that your partner has hurt you, is hurting you? How are you doing with stuffing the hurt, making
excuses, or fighting back? The answer may surprise you: Do not overlook or excuse the offenses that you
have committed against one other. If you have participated in perverted or unwanted sexual acts,
criticized your spouse’s body or sexual performance, or denied each other sexual pleasure for revenge,
then your relationship is suffering and these hurts are poisoning your sex life, guaranteed. This behavior
stems from selfishness and, even if done in ignorance, it may be tainting the very relationship that God
has designed to make you fulfilled and happy.
And don’t make the mistake that your problems are due to boredom or lack of creativity. I have
counseled many couples that were encouraged by former therapists to turn to porn when sex had lost its
excitement.
And that always turns into disaster. Either one partner is offended and hurt, or both are led down the
wrong path. Most likely, the sexual cooling is due to underlying hurts and offenses that have not been
properly cleared up.
Hebrews 13:4, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators
and adulterers God will judge.”
One commentator brings clarity to the above Scripture and the importance of purity in the marriage bed:
The first statement, “Marriage should be honored by all,” places special focus on the word
translated “honored” by its fronted position in the clause. The word itself means to highly
esteem and respect. This general statement about honoring marriage is followed by a
more narrowed focus on the sanctity of the sexual relationship in marriage: “and the
marriage bed kept pure.” This phrase refers to sexual intercourse within marriage,
meaning husbands and wives should remain sexually faithful to one another and to their
272 | WEEK 6: Day 2

marriage vows. The Greek adjective translated “pure” conveys the meaning “undefiled,”
“unpolluted,” “untainted.” It is in the emphatic position in its clause.51
As you can see this puts special emphasis on purity in the marriage bed. We can’t turn to the world and
the way the world is using sex, bring it into our relationship as husband and wife, and expect God to bless
it. If you have a hardened heart toward your mate due to past hurts, pornography is not the key to
softening it. Yes, porn will stimulate you, that’s the way we’re made, but that is part of our sinful nature.
The beginning of healing is not found in the bedroom, but in the heart. Go to God in confession and
repentance, and then to one another in love to be honest about the real problems.
Bitterness and revenge makes sex unfulfilling. And often narrows the attitude toward what is acceptable
and fun in the marriage bed. Once offenses are cleared to bring new attitudes, the door is open for
pleasurable activities that may have been unwanted or felt “wrong”. Remember that some of those
attitudes slipped in and may have been associated with worldly lust, which is not necessarily true. I have
counseled couples where one of them felt using lubricants, hands, or different positions to experience
sexual pleasure was wrong because they heard, or saw it displayed by the world in a wrong way.
Remember what God said is good, is good, no matter what the world says or does.
5. Wrong-Way Sex
When a husband or wife turn sex into an idol, this is a major problem. Creating idols always leads to
degradation and destruction. I have met with Christian couples where one or both have turned sex into
an idol and it led them into swapping, or other sinful practices. You want to say, “What?!!!” Thankfully,
these couples finally woke up to their sin, and said, “What in the heck are we doing and how did we get
here?” Any idol in your life will be in competition with God.
God says we cannot let anything possess us, or become obsessed with it. And there are a lot of men and
women allowing this sexual desire for pleasure to become an idol, thinking about it many times a day.
Some men cannot look at a woman walking on the street without having a sexual thought. How does
that affect your relationship to your wife? Are you comparing her body, her looks, to that of other
women, younger women? This is sin.

Paul gives us some biblical principles on NOT letting things rule your life. Read the following Scriptures
and write down what those things are and how you should act upon them.
1 Corinthians 6:12, “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things
are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.”
51 David L. Allen, Hebrews, The New American Commentary (Nashville, TN: B & H Publishing Group, 2010), 609.
WEEK 6: Day 2 | 273

1 Corinthians 10:23, “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things
are lawful for me, but not all things edify.”
Matthew 6:24, “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love
and mammon.”
Are we getting the idea that life is a battle for control over us, over our choices? Submit to God and His
Word; the warnings in these scriptures tell us that when something has control of us, other than God,
then it becomes an idol, an obsession, and will drive a wedge between us and God.
274 | WEEK 6: Day 2

Sexual pleasure can be used for manipulation, either by giving or withholding it. Someone asked me
about makeup sex. Nothing wrong with it, but using sex as a way to say “I’m sorry”, or to avoid a touchy
issue, is wrong. First, you need to take responsibility, say, “Hey, I’m sorry for what I said, for what I did.”
And then say, “Let’s make love.” But don’t use sex in the wrong way. Also, if there is a problem and one
spouse is withholding sex to get even, this is manipulation and using sex in the wrong way. Problems can
affect sexual response, but communication is called for and a solution must be pursued that does not
involve using sex as a weapon.
If this is something you have been doing, write out a prayer asking God to forgive you and set a time to
ask your spouse to forgive you also.
WeeK 6: Day 3
Read the following Scripture and write down what your attitude should be concerning your sexual
relationship with your spouse.
1 Corinthians 7:3–4, “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and
likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own
body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his
own body, but the wife does.”
WEEK 6: Day 3 | 275

Ladies, I have men in counseling who actually don’t want to have sex with their wives because of the
horrible things that comes out of their mouths. If a man is given little affirmation, is criticized and
badmouthed, his wife will discover that her desires to have sex will be met by him with little or no desire
to oblige. I have counseled couples where the husband wants nothing to do with his wife, and she is mad
and very upset. His secret is out, “I don’t like sex because her best sex is when she blasts me and then
she wants to come in and jump me.” Women, think of it this way, one of our sexual organs as men is our
ears, what we hear coming out of your mouth; if it’s undermining and not affirming us, our sex drive is
affected. b Self-Examination 4
Wife: If this has brought conviction to you, take a moment and write a prayer of confession. Schedule a
time to confess and ask forgiveness from your husband.
Wife: Have you been using sex as a tool for selfish purposes, or manipulations?
To clarify this, answer the following questions:
• Is sex used to ask for forgiveness from your husband for overspending?  Yes  No
276 | WEEK 6: Day 3

• After saying or doing something to him that is unloving or non-affirming?  Yes  No
• Before you ask him for something he would normally say no to?  Yes  No
Yes, it is a true statement that most husbands appreciate sex from their wives under any circumstances;
but these practices by a wife, treating the gift of sex wrongfully, will eventually start poisoning the
physical relationship.
The evidence that God has blessed us with the gift of sex is with us every day, for better or worse.
Blessing or curse, depends on whether we see it God’s way or view it from the perspective of the world.
Remember, for a time God is allowing Satan to masquerade as the prince of this world, to be free to
tempt mankind to sin. But God promises a way to escape every temptation that is common to man (1
Cor. 10:13). God tells us that we are in this world, but not of this world (Rom. 12:2), that we are pilgrims
(1 Pet. 2:11), here to be His ambassadors to glorify Him in everything (2 Cor. 5:20; 1 Cor. 10:31). You are
not here to satisfy your selfish will and desires, and you also have a future to consider. We are eternal
beings, destined to live elsewhere after we die, and that is either Heaven or Hell.
1 Peter 2:11 says, “Beloved, I beg you as soldiers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lust
which was against our soul.”
Replacing the Giver with the Gift

God’s word says we cannot serve two masters; we have to deny one and surrender to the other (Matt.
6:24).
Let me give you some questions to consider, for self-examination:
• Is sex your last thought when you go to bed, your first thought in the morning?  Yes  No
• Do you daydream about it throughout the day?  Yes  No
• Do you spend money secretly on it?  Yes  No
• Do you risk your career and marriage pursuing it?  Yes  No
• Is it a subject that causes most fights in your marriage?  Yes  No
WEEK 6: Day 3 | 277

If you answered “yes” to any one of these questions, you may have turned sex into an idol. There is no
other way to look at it, you are in sin and you must confess it to the Lord. When you take something
given to you by a God who is jealous for your affection, and you make it more important than Him,
expect consequences. But don’t expect a fruitful and fulfilling sex life with your spouse. It won’t happen,
it just won’t.
Do you have teenagers, or had teenagers? Remember when the Game Boy or Nintendo first came out?
They had to have it, remember that? When my sons were young teens, they said, “I’ve got to have the
Nintendo, come on, we’ve got to get one, and we’ve got to get one.” So we finally bought one for
Christmas and my sons were overjoyed and completely fascinated with it; they fought for time with it,
tried to skip their chores, and neglected their schoolwork. Then they began begging for new games, and
complaining that their friends had more, etc. Suddenly, this wonderful gift that they wanted so much
now possessed them. Often, when my wife and I would ask them to do something fun with us, they said,
“No, I don’t want to go. I’m going to play the game, I just want to sit here and play Nintendo!”
Their actions revealed they loved the game instead of loving the givers. They were idolizing this game. So
I had to step in, and say, “Your mom and I are going to put some boundaries here, because you’re letting
this toy control you.” In the same way we can do this toward God with His gifts. We can take His gift and
replace Him with it. We give excessive time and attention to thinking about it, doing it, and then pretty
soon it is controlling us and we are not really enjoying sex or God, because it is all about our selfish
pleasure.
Working toward Change

As we examine ourselves, the first step is to be totally honest about how we are sinning in this area. Ask
God to reveal where you have misused His gift of sex and how that has affected your marriage. Next, you
need to confess any sin and disobedience, and ask for forgiveness from God, and then from your spouse.
Until you confess, nothing will change. Finally, we need to be willing to change our behavior, to start over
with a new perspective. God says we need to confess our sins, and be willing to start over.
To demonstrate this process, let’s consider the problem of long-term indulgence in pornography. When I
help a man break the sinful habit of porn and establish a healthy sexual relationship with his wife, it is a
process. As a sex partner, pornography involves no adjustment, no rejection, no reality, and is a situation
where you are in full control. In summary, it is all fantasy. Sex with a real woman requires conforming to
her desires and needs, which is the opposite of selfishness controlled by fantasy. Breaking bad habits,
and working with a wife to regain true intimacy during sex, takes some time. I have had men tell me,
“Man, if I knew how hard this would be, I would have never given in to porn.” There is no warning label
278 | WEEK 6: Day 3

on the magazines, movies, or shows that reads, “This will consume and poison your mind, control you,
and make you feel separated from God, spouse and children.”
Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and
supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace
of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through
Christ Jesus.”
Be anxious for nothing” means don’t obsess over your problem, but trust God for healing, willingly and
patiently working towards the solution. If the sexual relationship has not been right in your marriage,
God is telling you to stop worrying and be thankful for His gift of sexual pleasure, and to start praying and
asking for His blessing over your relationship to your spouse. And don’t just sit there and wait for a
change, be actively changing your behavior and attitude according to His Word.
Ladies, you know who you are if sex has been mostly for your husband’s pleasure. Maybe you are shy
about telling him what pleases you, or he has trouble receiving instruction. Maybe you have harbored
bitterness and anger towards him for disappointments or offenses that he has brought into the marriage.
If your attitude is negative or tainted, and you are just living in it, then you are living in sin. By indulging
nonstop in bitter thoughts, you are just as sinful as a man who is allowing porn to fill his mind. So, you
must be willing to say, “God, change my heart.”
Ask God to give you His heart and perspective towards this gift of sex that is for you and your husband. If
you ask Him for anything in accordance to His word, He will do it.
1 John 5:14–15, “Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything
according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we
know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.”
Seeing Yourselves as One

God tells us to “bring everything to Him”. And, in this case, you come to God as one plus one equals
one, or one flesh. Your prayer might be, “God, heal my mind, heal our sexual relationship. Lord, make it
right, purify our hearts and minds towards this wonderful gift. Help us to understand how to subject it to
your perfect time and rhythm and method, not our own selfishness.” The verse in Philippians, chapter
four, says, “…by prayer and supplication”. Try praying out with your spouse, saying, “God, please fix our
sex life.” When you pray, you are including God in the solution to your problem. Praying together makes
all sense because God sees you as “one flesh”, and you actually are “one” in this area of sexual pleasure
as a married couple.
WEEK 6: Day 3 | 279

The verse in Philippians also says, “guard your hearts and minds.” You must guard your minds from
those things that would cause each of you, or either of you, to fall into the same old patterns. Memorize
Job 31:1, “I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look upon a young woman?” This
principle can apply to a man or woman. Again, “taking those thoughts captive” (2 Cor. 10:5), means
anything that comes to mind tainting the gift of sex, be it selfishness, lust, or negative thoughts.
Staying pure and positive requires that we guard ourselves from evil influences. These will work to break
the “oneness” between marriage partners. An influence is whatever makes you view sex in the wrong
way, including porn, websites, books, romance novels, television, movies, Facebook, Twitter, social
media, and even a negative view of your own body. Everything has to go. There is much that we invite
into our lives that can poison God’s wonderful gift. We can literally program our brains with sinful
information. Garbage in, garbage out. Little wonder that when we are consuming this junk, our sexual
oneness suffers.
DIG-DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

The word “heart”, in the Scriptures, refers to your mind, will and emotions. Write down what the
following verses tell us about the heart. What is our responsibility, and what is the result of obedience?
Proverbs 4:23, “Guard your heart above all else, for out of it is the source of life.” (HCSB)
Matthew 5:8, “Blessed are the pure in heart, For they shall see God.”
Take some time, meditate on the following Scripture. How can living by these words bring unity into your
marriage? How can you use this instruction to “guard” your mind? Are you violating God’s will for your
thoughts?
Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble,
whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever
280 | WEEK 6: Day 3

things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—
meditate on these things.”
Are you living in a mindset of bitter, angry thoughts? This is sin. If you find yourself desiring, imagining,
meditating on a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, what are you doing? God calls
it adultery (Matt. 5:28). It’s sin.
Matthew 5:27–28, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit
adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already
committed adultery with her in his heart.”
I’ve had men confess that when they are making love, they are picturing women other than their
spouse.” Do you think a wife doesn’t feel that something isn’t quite right during sex? I tell them, “I
wouldn’t say making love, that’s more like pleasuring yourself selfishly with no concern for your wife. You
don’t think she knows that? You don’t think she feels that? She knows it.” This is sin and you must stop,
it’s wrong, evil, and poison.
We are told to meditate upon purity, which means meditate on sex in the way God intended it, for you
and your wife, period. As a husband, learn to enjoy your wife’s pleasure and open up to sharing with her
instead of some picture in your mind. Be turned on because she is turned on. I have learned what my
wife likes and dislikes, what she enjoys rather than some selfish desire of my own. We need to take our
thoughts captive and begin to cooperate with the Spirit of God and each other. Satan is always working
to deceive us and taint the gifts of God, taking what is good and trying to turn it for evil.
2 Corinthians 10:5, “casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself
against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of
Christ,”
WEEK 6: Day 3 | 281


Concerning this subject, write down what the following scriptures tell us to do, and why.
1 Thessalonians 4:3–4, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should
abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own
vessel in sanctification and honor,”
1 Corinthians 6:18, “Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body,
but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.”
Titus 1:15–16, “To the pure all things are pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving
nothing is pure; but even their mind and conscience are defiled. They profess to know God,
but in works they deny Him, being abominable, disobedient, and disqualified for every good
work.”
282 | WEEK 6: Day 4

WeeK 6: Day 4
We are NOT what We Were
Ladies and gentlemen, as we age our bodies are not what they used to be, yes? The ladies are especially
challenged in this area, competing with lots of advertising about what beauty should look like. So you can
begin to feel negative about your physical appearance, and you start to withdraw from your husband a
little bit, or a lot, because of embarrassment. You don’t want him to see your body in the nude; afraid he
has that image of how you looked years ago. This can affect your willingness to see your body as a source
of pleasure for your husband. You must fight these thoughts and not allow demonic or worldly influences
to poison your self-image. The heart of the sexual experience for a husband and wife is connection, and no
amount of aging can change that. We need to learn how to adapt and adjust to changes that come with
age. Being creative is part of bringing joy to one another, and demonstrating the strength of your love and
devotion to one another.
We all need to be actively casting down every thought that comes in our brains about negative body
image, whether it is about beauty, age, or physical abilities. Be convinced that there is a war going on for
control of your thoughts, God’s truth vs. Satan’s lies. And your spouse can’t reach into your brain and make
you cooperate with the Spirit of God. Fight for God’s best and do not let Satan poison what God has
created to be beautiful.
So, we have spent time covering the problems, the sins, and the source of trouble. So now let’s turn our
thoughts to the positive aspects of sexual pleasure and experience.
The Positive Side of the Gift of Sex

When studying a book in the Old Testament called Song of Solomon, it’s amazing how many times people
say, “I cannot believe this is in the Bible.” Within these chapters, you learn a lot about both men and
women. Our focus is from chapter seven, which describes the mutuality of sexual pleasure, physical
intimacy and even some aspects of the human sexual anatomy.
As a note, I would like to address the interpretation we are using to explain these verses. I am using the
“plain version” sometimes referred to as the “literal approach”. I am not excluding the “Christological”
view, which I believe also applies to these verses.
One author who has written a commentary on this book says,

We follow the oldest attested method of interpretation—the normal approach. We will take
the Song at face value and see how it applies to us today. Some writers seem hesitant to
believe sex was intended by God for any purpose other than procreation. Therefore, they
refused to accept a normal interpretation of the book. God, they say, would never allow a
book about sex (even in marriage) in the canon of Scripture. So the normal meaning of the
song was covered up (“It’s a metaphor”), slid over (“Well, it doesn’t really mean that”) and
allegorized (“It’s a picture of God and His people”). The book is full of metaphors and other
symbols, but was never to be an allegory. Instead, it is simply a picture of idealized married
love as God intended it.52
As you read through the following scriptures, notice descriptions of the body, and the passion and
excitement of a sexual relationship.
Song of Solomon 7:1–9, “1 How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince’s daughter! The
curves of your thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a skillful workman. 2 Your
navel is a rounded goblet; it lacks no blended beverage. Your waist is a heap of wheat Set
about with lilies. 3 Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. 4 Your neck is like
an ivory tower, your eyes like the pools in Heshbon By the gate of Bath Rabbim. Your nose is
like the tower of Lebanon which looks toward Damascus. 5 Your head crowns you like
Mount Carmel, and the hair of your head is like purple; a king is held captive by your tresses.
6 How fair and how pleasant you are, O love, with your delights! 7 This stature of yours is
like a palm tree, and your breasts like its clusters. 8 I said, “I will go up to the palm tree, I
will take hold of its branches.” Let now your breasts be like clusters of the vine, the
fragrance of your breath like apples, 9 And the roof of your mouth like the best wine. The
wine goes down smoothly for my beloved, moving gently the lips of sleepers.”
Beginning verses one through nine, it says, “How beautiful …” and this is the man, the husband talking to
his wife, “How beautiful are your feet in sandals,” I don’t get that one, but praise the Lord. Notice, the
sexual organ used here is a man’s “eyes!”
Back to Song of Solomon 7:1-4, “How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince’s daughter! The curves of
your thighs are like jewels. The work of the hands of a skillful workman. Your navel is a rounded goblet; it
lacks no blended beverage. Your waist is a heap of wheat set about like lilies. Your two breasts are like two
fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like an ivory tower, your eyes like the pools in Heshbon by the gate of
the Bath Rabbim. Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon, which looks toward Damascus.”
52 Joseph C. Dillow, Solomon on Sex (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 1977), 9.
WEEK 6: Day 4 | 239

284 | WEEK 6: Day 4
Men and women, are you getting the point? Have you even come close to appreciating your wife like this
guy does? He is really involved with all the things about her that he finds beautiful, and God is saying that
we need to be able to delight in our wives. So wives, are you willing to let your husband gaze upon you like
this? This next passage shows him going beyond appreciating her beauty, and he starts really enjoying her
physically.
A well-known commentary says,
The comparison of the beloved’s navel to a rounded goblet of wine would be grotesque if
taken as a visual comparison. The lover meant that her body was as desirable and as
intoxicating as wine (cf. 4:10). Likewise the comparison of her waist to a mound of wheat
would be absurd if interpreted visually. Wheat was one of the main food sources in ancient
Palestine (Deut. 32:14; 2 Sam. 4:6; 17:28). Thus his wife was both his “food” (wheat) and
“drink” (wine) in the sense that her physical expressions of love nourished and satisfied
him.53
As we continue, verses 6-9 say, “How fair and how pleasant you are, O love, with your delights! This
stature of yours is like a palm tree, and your breasts like its clusters. I said, ‘I will go up to the palm tree, I
will take hold of its branches.’ Let now your breasts be like clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath
like apples, and the roof of your mouth like the best wine.”
In response, Solomon’s wife says, “The wine goes down smoothly for my beloved, moving gently the lips of
sleepers. I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.”
Let’s consider what Solomon is feeling: her feet, curving thighs, navel, waist, breasts, neck, eyes, nose, and
hair. And then he begins to experience her body, her breasts, and the roof of her mouth.
He says, “I was so enraptured ….”
visual aspect of Sex

That’s right. This is sexual pleasure. A woman’s body is beautiful and it brings great pleasure. When God
made women, He knew what he was doing and to a man there is nothing more desirable on earth than a
woman’s body. And women, you know it. A woman can see the beauty in another woman’s body, not in a
sexual way, but you know God made something special when he created a woman. And yes, men, there
are a lot of female bodies around, but we need to see our sexual relationship only in the context of a wife.
And Solomon teaches us something very important about sexual arousal for men, that one of a man’s
53 Jack S. Deere, “Song of Songs,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures, ed. J. F. Walvoord and R.
B. Zuck, vol. 1 (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985), 1022.
main sexual organs is his eyes. Wife, if you are withholding this aspect of sexual pleasure from your
husband, confess it and allow this practice to come into your relationship.
Physical Touching and Sex

The scripture also says that Solomon touched her body. Using our hands is a good way to stimulate mutual
pleasure. Solomon is moving his hands all over his wife’s body. The phrase, “Your navel as a rounded
goblet lacks no blended beverage,” is referring to the use of his mouth. And then Solomon refers to holding
her breasts, and there is something wonderful about holding breasts that brings great sexual pleasure to a
man and a woman. They are truly beautiful and wonderful. God put this admiration, desire and ,the ability
to experience pleasure within us.
Personal Hygiene and Sex

This brings us to a quick reminder of personal hygiene. Her breath was like apples; and this also goes for
men as well. Let’s be aware of our appeal, of our cleanliness and other turnoffs like coffee breath or
whatever breaks the mood. Take a shower, better yet, do it together. The harlots put perfume all over
themselves, on the bed, so a wonderful fragrance was associated with the sexual experience (Prov. 7:16-
17).
WEEK 6: Day 4 | 241

Did you hear that husband and wives? It’s all wonderful and straight from God’s word to us for the purpose
of bringing sexual pleasure to one another.
Now, listen up men, in verses nine and ten the woman speaks.
It says in verse nine, “moving gently the lips of sleepers.” What the heck does that mean? The key word
here is gently, which indicates softly, tenderly, not rough or hastily, but with patience and gentleness, not
recklessly or selfishly being concerned only for your own satisfaction or pleasure.
Some wives, after 20 years of marriage, have shared in counseling, “You know, when we have sex it’s
always intercourse, he has sex and is done! He reaches his orgasm, rolls over and that’s it. And I’m lying
there thinking that I’ve had two orgasms my entire life in our marriage, and this is it. I’m not satisfied in
this area.” Men, did you hear that?
Whatever your history, your hurts and wounds, God can heal you. Husbands, you need to be attentive and
gentle, and wives, we need you to tell us what you enjoy. Ladies, maybe you need to be willing to slap
286 | WEEK 6: Day 4

some oil on your husband’s hand, grab them and show him how to please you. When I tell a couple to try
this, most husbands have a big smile.
I remember when I was about 13, I saw that movie starring Raquel Welsh when she was a cave woman and
the men were the slaves. I remember all the men were complaining and they were always trying to get off
the island. I was thinking, “Dude, hook me up. Where is that island? I’ll be your slave.” A little twisted, but
the point is that men in real life will willingly serve a woman who is in love with them.
Communication and Sex

Good sex requires communication, and open discussion. Enjoying sex as a gift from God is no more
controversial than enjoying good food together. Do you see it that way? Let me give you an example. Wife,
do you like tea? If your husband is making you a cup of tea, would you want it the way you like it or the
way he likes it? Would you be upset and hold him responsible for not making it right if you had never told
him how you like it? Could you still show him how much sugar you like, how much cream? Also, would you
have a problem telling him which cup you like best?
Yes, tea is easier to talk about than sex, but sex is so much more important. We can talk about tea, which is
really not that important, and we can live without it and be happy. My wife loves popcorn. I know how she
likes it; organic, cooked in coconut oil, very little sea salt and unsalted butter. I even know what container
she prefers. Learn to care about what pleases your spouse, especially in the area of sexual pleasure. And
also learn about what does not please, because to persist there is selfish and will hurt your relationship.
I once counseled a couple that was a real inspiration in this area. These two people, in their mid-fifties,
were the giddiest, most joyful couple and they had a fulfilling sex life. They both had prior marriages that
failed before they were Christians. When they met they made a commitment to God and each other not
to make the same mistakes they did with premarital sex and or using sex after marriage for selfish
reasons. They had confronted the problems and decided that their sex life was going to be fulfilling. And
here they were, at 57 years old, having better sex than most people in their twenties. That’s the plan.
Below is a list of resources that can help you take some “practical steps” if you feel you are stuck and do
not know what to do next, or to help you explore this area in more depth. Please understand this is not a
complete list, nor are we condoning or rejecting everything presented in these resources. This is a
sampling of Christian authors who have written material to help you on this journey.
books For Couples:

Love Marriage and Sex, by David Jeremiah.
Solomon on Sex, by Joseph C. Dillow (available in used condition: Amazon).
Intimacy Ignited: Conversations Couple to Couple: Fire Up Your Sex Life with the Song of Solomon, by
Joseph and Linda Dillow, and Peter and Lorraine Pintus.
The Gif of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment, by Clifford and Joyce Penner.
Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage, by Ed and Gaye Wheat.
Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, by John Piper and Justin Taylor.
books For Women:

No More Headaches: Enjoying Sex & Intimacy in Marriage, by Dr. Juli Slattery.
WeeK 6: Day 5
Meeting Your Wife’s Sexual Needs
Women have many areas on the body good for sexual arousal, but there also are many women who have
a difficult time reaching orgasm through intercourse. And many men, because of their sexual anatomy,
and ignorance, have it in their brains that intercourse is the definition of the sexual experience. Why limit
yourself? If your wife doesn’t find sexual pleasure from intercourse, are you willing to adjust, adapt and
add to having sexual pleasure other ways? That’s important. On an average, how often does a woman
participate sexually with her husband when she does not desire to have an orgasm? Often! It is very
common for a woman to please her husband even though she does not experience nor desire to have an
288 | WEEK 6: Day 5

orgasm. A woman’s drive to experience frequent orgasms is usually not as strong as a man’s. In fact, a
woman’s desire peaks monthly during ovulation. So, we husbands can benefit from the following
scripture.
Philippians 2:3-4, “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in
lowliness of mind let each esteem others as better then himself. Let each of you look out
not only for his own interests, but also the interests of the other.”
God is telling us to put others above ourselves, to be more concerned about them. This love is not
occupied with self-interest, at the expense of another, and this is the attitude that results in a good,
mutually satisfying sex life.
Communication is a Must
The proof of that attitude is a willingness to learn, adapt, and cooperate to establish the frequency,
creativity, and communication that results in a relaxed and satisfying physical relationship. Aspects open
for discussion include style, frequency, technique, verbal expressions of pleasure, etc., and that means
you may need to step up your game to keep the other person satisfied. For example, if a couple decides
that once or twice a week is the goal, then it should be a mutual decision and both should work at
maintaining that rhythm. Remember, esteeming another will sometimes require sacrifice.
If you need information on sexual pleasure without intercourse, there are counselors and books to help.
At first, communication may seem awkward, but it gets easier with practice. And avoid complaining or
criticizing, but stick to positive instruction and comments like, “Honey, can we slow down a little,” or “I’m
just not with it right now, but I want to please you, so let’s just concentrate on you this time, OK?” Men,
you can reach orgasm without intercourse. I have suggested to couples the use of oils or lotions, and
some men have said, “My wife is not a prostitute.” I respond with, “Why would you compare your wife to
a whore for using lotion to help you or her to come to sexual climax?” Worldly influences that pervert
sex can make us sheepish about experimenting with pleasure.
Back to “men and women are different”. There are many details that can affect a woman’s mood for sex.
Again, what does the man need? Show me some skin, use some lotion, participate and I’m done, right?
For most women, it’s not that way. Throw in some kids, a job, physical exhaustion, menstrual cycle,
financial struggles, and some marriage challenges, and it just sounds like more work to get into the
mood. Men are thinking, “I’ve got to get you aroused because that proves my manhood,” or “What’s the
matter, I don’t excite you anymore,” or you fill in the blanks. Forcing your wife to experience a climax will
only frustrate her, and produce a negative attitude about sex. A good wife can participate sexually with
her husband when not desiring to reach an orgasm, and still consider it a pleasure. Men, we are
responsible to dwell with our wives in understanding (1 Pet. 3:7).
WEEK 6: Day 5 | 289

When I do pre-marital counseling, I ask couples what is acceptable to each, and both are usually
blushing. Some women pass it off with, “Everything is okay.” Anal sex okay with you? Everything goes?
You just told your fiancée. You need to discuss this before you say “I do”. She says, “I don’t want that.”
Okay, what else? “Well, I don’t know yet.” Now, that’s realistic. Most young people have been told by
their parents to abstain, instead of how to succeed at sex. So I talk to them about the boundaries, about
guarding their hearts and minds and the importance of giving input to each other (Prov. 4:23). I tell them
how to protect their sexual relationship from Satan, who will do what he can to poison it.
The desire for sex generally comes to men more frequently than women. This is not selfishness, just the
way a man is wired. However, as a couple discusses frequency, it is not about him saying, “Since I desire
sex every day, this is what I deserve from you,” or her saying, “I only want it once a month, so that is how
we will plan.” Many couples bounce from his needs to hers, both feeling tense most of the time. I
encourage them to come together and establish an acceptable rhythm. Some have said, “That sounds
way too weird.” This is the response after years of frustration, but it won’t seem weird after a while. It is
very important to agree on frequency for coming together sexually. And, sure, there will be times when
someone has to adapt, but that’s love.
And remember to communicate about everything involved. As you begin to experiment, coming together
physically using your mouths, fingers, hands, and eyes to touch one another; your goal is to discover
what is pleasing to both. Ladies, a good wife and sex partner will speak up and tell her husband if he is
doing something that is uncomfortable and the husband needs to listen and adjust.
So let’s return now to our reading in Song of Solomon, where it says in verse 10: “I am my beloved’s and
his desire is towards me.”
Gentleman this is very very important. We have learned much about what a woman needs to feel safe;
she needs to be nurtured and cherished, shown that you love her and that she is your first priority after
God. If you do not believe all this, and do not do your best to apply it consistently, then do not expect
great success in getting your wife’s cooperation. Solomon’s wife is telling the world that her husband
considers her a precious gif from God, and that he makes her feel important and desirable. Can your
wife say, “I know that your desire is for me, that you have learned what I need and are working to meet
my companionship needs, and I am so blessed that I want to respond to your needs, too.”  Yes  No
Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave
Himself for her,”
290 | WEEK 6: Day 5

a Woman’s Initiative
A look at Song of Solomon, verse 11, reveals something very important for the ladies to consider.
Solomon’s wife says, “Come my beloved, let us go forth into the fields let us lodge in the village,” and she
describes how she wants to give herself over to him. This is about initiating sex in a relationship. Do you
know who mostly initiates sex in your marriage? Sure you do. If yours is like most, your man is expressing
sexual desire for you and getting the yes, no, maybe, later, tomorrow, or whatever else.
Ladies, when you picture this wife saying to her husband, “Come my beloved, let us go forth into the
fields, let us lodge…” and she goes on to talk about the vineyard and all these ways that she’s going to
bless him., try to imagine her facial expression, attitude and body posture when she was saying that. She
was not just saying, “You want sex tonight? Do you want to do it? Let’s get this over with.”
When was the last time you dolled yourself up and approached your man in a way that let him know, “I
am your lover and I’m going to rock your world.”? Do you know how that blesses a husband?
Now, I’m not saying that you ladies have to become the constant initiators, but let’s do an attitude check.
Agreeing on a frequency is a starting point and don’t always wait for your husband to initiate, or ever
treat this like a doctor’s appointment. You initiate sometimes, and make it a special time.
Remember, this is from God, in His Word, a message to men and women. God is revealing His desire, the
beauty that He has created sexually for husband and wife, and He really wants to bless us with this. God
is giving us His secrets about the ways that we can enjoy one another and bless one another.
Remember,
1 Corinthians 7:3-5, “A husband should fulfill his marital responsibility to his wife, and
likewise a wife to her husband. A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her
husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but
his wife does. Do not deprive one another sexually—except when you agree for a time, to
devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you
because of your lack of self-control.” (HCSB)
So God says that husband and wife both have authority over the other’s body, and this is a challenge that
is not popular today. Put this with the rest of the verse; each one is told to render to the other, as
husband and wife, the “affections due”, not the affections we think they deserve, or the affections we
feel like giving. This is God’s instruction and we need to treat each other this way, talk about this, and
realize that selfishness can be a destroyer here.
WEEK 6: Day 5 | 291

This is serious, and a serious problem is turning sex into a reward, or performance-based activity. If one
partner feels that the other is not pulling their weight, failing in some way, not meeting their
expectations, they may lapse into such thoughts as “I will not participate and bless you”, which is sin.
God says our bodies are not our own, we are here to be vessels to bless one another and this is one of
those areas that God says brings tremendous pleasure and bonding of our souls. We are not to deprive
one another in this area because we feel that performance in other areas is not acceptable or up to our
standards! Again, we cannot abuse the relationship in any area and expect intimacy to be good.
Communication and cooperation must exist and be growing throughout all areas of the marriage.
The Goal
Our goal as married couples is to be able to say to ourselves, and each other: “Yes we’ve got a great sex
life, it’s good, and we are learning, cooperating and communicating. We are able to talk before sex, able
to share afterwards. We are willing to receive instructions. We have learned to please one another
outside of intercourse because of our communication.”
If you can’t say that, you need to do something about it. I know even among Christians this is a topic that
people do not like to discuss. We don’t want people to know we are having problems. These materials
can guide you, help you communicate, and show you where you have gone off the path biblically and
how you may have tainted God’s gift with sin. It is mandatory that you receive and follow the information
on confession and forgiveness, and believe that you can start over and get this right. God has great
blessings just waiting for you.
To both husband and wife: if you’re masturbating on your own and finding sexual pleasure on your own,
you’re looking at or thinking about someone and it’s probably not your spouse. Sex was not given to us
for self-gratification. Your sexual drive needs to be adapted to your relationship with your spouse, period.
God says to exercise self-control (Gal. 5:23; 2 Pet. 1:6), and I can tell you when you have a good sex life
with your spouse, the fulfillment that you get when it’s right is better than any moment of pleasure that
you do to yourself.
You need to see pleasing yourself as a sinful practice and taking something that God said is beautiful,
wonderful and pure, and tainting it. Stop. And if this is a habit, has become an idol, talk to somebody. Sit
down with your pastor or spouse, with a Christian counselor (usually gender specific, man with man,
woman with woman) and get help. I’ll guarantee you; you are NOT the first Christian to seek help. Many
started this practice as teens, spending 5-10 years in a private sex life before they married. And they
carried that right into their marriage and thought there was no problem continuing it, but it is a problem.
Stop, seek help, and let God heal your mind and your relationship with your spouse.
292 | WEEK 6: Day 5

As a couple, ask God to first speak to your hearts individually, and then be willing to come together and
share what the Lord has asked you to change. And if forgiveness is needed, ask for it and give it as
needed.
You could pray like this:
“God, we are asking for Your help; we want to be blessed here, we want to glorify You in
this relationship. Help us to start over, help us to stop all the sinful, demonic and evil
attitudes and thoughts that we are letting into our minds and into our hearts, where we
are poisoning this gift that You have given us. Help us to open up and talk about these
things we have just studied. May we submit to Your Word and be obedient to it.
Whenever we fall back into our sinful ways of perverting sex, Lord, help us to confess it to
You and to each other, and to repent by turning the other direction.”
We have provided two self-examination exercises, for husband and wife, each to be done individually
and then discussed together. To begin, stay with the handout meant for you, as a man or woman, and
resist reading the material not meant for you. It will result in a better understanding of your role in the
marriage relationship.
Physical Intimacy in Marriage examination for Men

The Bible teaches that there are two specific purposes for human sexual activity in marriage, procreation
(Gen. 1:28, Deut. 7:13-14), and pleasure/recreation (The Song of Solomon 4:10-12, Prov. 5:18-19).
Do you view sex as a gift from God, to be enjoyed only with your spouse?
Sex is a gift from God to humanity, created by Him to be enjoyed only within the union of marriage. He
designed us, male and female, with the ability to both produce children and experience physical and
emotional pleasure during sexual intercourse. Through the sexual relationship, as husband and wife, we
have an opportunity to mutually present ourselves as a gif to one another, to intimately become what
God calls “one” as we share our bodies.
This is God’s plan for sex, but the sin of man and the deception of Satan have tainted His gift to us. Many
have fallen under worldly influences which have perverted the purity of sex and made it sinful,
sometimes even thought of as something dirty, or a tiresome duty. Attitudes toward sex are also affected
by the teaching of our parents, or personal experience which can range from childhood curiosity and
information gained from friends to pornography, molestation, rape and experimental sexual choices.
Remember, it is Satan’s plan to destroy, or make bad, the things God has created for good, including sex.
WEEK 6: Day 5 | 293

When two people join in a marriage relationship and are ignorant of God’s will, have selfish expectations,
or maybe a negative view of sex, they will have difficulty establishing and maintaining a fulfilling sexual
relationship.
A healthy sexual relationship is based on the following:
1. A belief that sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed and practiced only within the marriage
relationship.
2. A commitment to give and receive sex within the context of biblical love, which is
selfless, not selfish.
3. The practice of open and honest communication between husband and wife, learning
how to bring physical pleasure to one another.
4. A basic understanding of human sexual anatomy as it relates to sexual pleasure.
Sadly, many Christian couples are unfulfilled in this area of marriage and don’t know how to make it
better. If you have a negative attitude toward sex and/or the sexual relationship with your spouse, it is
import to discover why. When God reveals His will for us, then we need to see it as good. There can be
medical or physiological reasons why both men and women may experience difficulty with sex but, in
most cases, ignorance, selfishness and/or resentfulness is the cause. Over the course of any marriage
there are seasons when we must deny ourselves in this area and exercise patience due to pregnancies,
surgeries, temporary and terminal illnesses, life traumas, etc.; however, whenever possible, we are to
keep our sexual relationship fulfilling.
Men, on your marriage day you never imagined there would be a time when you would turn down a
sexual advance from your wife. Today, more than a few men are struggling with this problem, opening
the door for Satan’s lies, creating temptations and causing confusion. When a husband rejects his wife’s
sexual advances, she will begin to feel undesirable, unattractive and unloved. A husband who is not
initiating sex on a regular basis needs to find out why and work toward changing it. The most common
reasons are not medical, but come from a “HEART” condition.
Examine your heart with these questions:

1. Do you feel that you have been your wife’s priority in marriage, second only to God? 
Yes  No
2. Do you feel your wife knows how to treat you with honor, speak to you with respect and
affirmation?  Yes  No
3. Do you that your wife treats you like one of the children?  Yes  No
4. Do you feel your wife trusts your leadership and yields to your decisions for the family?
 Yes  No
294 | WEEK 6: Day 5

5. Do you feel your wife has rejected your sexual advances because she does not love
and/or prioritize you?  Yes  No
6. Do you feel your wife has been unwilling to talk about sex and to work toward making it
better?  Yes  No
7. Are you angry or resentful toward your wife for any of the above reasons?
 Yes  No
Any of these issues can affect your heart attitude, and desire to have sex with your wife. Through
forgiveness and a willingness by both partners to work toward reconciliation, your physical intimacy can
be restored.
Consider these sinful responses:
1. Have you been rejecting your wife’s sexual advances and/or not showing interest in
sex to hurt her, or to get revenge for past rejections and the way she treats you?
 Yes  No
2. Have you given up on trying to make your sexual relationship better?  Yes  No
Ephesians 5 :27 says, “that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not
having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without
blemish.” This verse is an exhortation to settle for nothing less than God’s holy will in
your marriage; when we do not follow His will, it is sin. A man who gives up on the
sexual relationship makes himself and his wife vulnerable to sinful practices; this can
result in adultery or indulgence in pornography. Another common sin is over-
committing time to such activities as career, hobbies, volunteer work and even
ministry. When a man does not receive affirmation, this is a common problem. You
need to confess, repent, and work toward making things right.]
3. Have you turned to porn?  Yes  No

[If you have turned to pornography and masturbation, this is a destructive and
sinful antidote. If you have begun to practice this on a regular basis, it can become
the preferred way to find sexual pleasure because there is no risk of rejection and
or negative attitudes, but it is sin. You need to repent, seek help and work on
restoring your marriage in this and other areas.]
4. Have you placed selfish expectations on your wife’s physical appearance and/or
certain sexual acts as a condition for you to lovingly participate in sex with her?
 Yes  No
WEEK 6: Day 5 | 295

[There is never an excuse to not do God’s will in any area of our life, and that
includes working at fulfilling your wife’s sexual needs. Philippians 2:3 says, “Let
nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let
each esteem others better than himself.” Sex is not about selfishness in the
marriage. It is an expression of love, and a commitment to God and spouse to
fulfill His will in your marriage.
Look for physical problems:
There are physical reasons why a man can lose his sex drive and performance prematurely.
1. Lower than average testosterone level; this can be determined through a doctor’s
visit and a simple blood test. There are many options available to increase
testosterone levels.
2. Are you taking antidepressants? These can cause a man to lose his sexual drive.
Talk with your doctor and seek other options. I also encourage you to get some
“good” biblical counseling. Depression or anxiety can result from hurts that have
never been forgiven, guilt from past sins/mistakes never resolved through
forgiveness, unconfessed sinful practices, Demonic lies accepted as true about
yourself, and confusion about God’s view of you or what you need to do to be
accepted by Him.
3. Are you taking blood pressure medicines? This can affect sexual drive and/or the
ability to get an erection, very humbling and embarrassing for a man. It is
important for both husband and wife to know the side effects of taking blood
pressure medicines and be willing to work through this challenge together.
Changing medication may solve the problem, or a doctor can advise using meds
like Viagra, Levitra and Cialis to address erectile dysfunction.
The truth is, a man needs to learn how to please his wife physically without having
to reach an orgasm himself. Most wives have participated in sex many times
without ever reaching a climax or orgasm. Why is it acceptable for a man to be
sexually pleased with little or no pleasure for his wife; however, the reverse
situation is not normal, but taboo and very unacceptable? Yes, a good wife should
be willing to participate sexually with her husband when she is “not in the mood”,
but a good husband should also be willing to fulfill his wife’s sexual desires apart
from his own.
296 | WEEK 6: Day 5

A husband who loves his wife and desires to fulfill her sexually can do so without
the ability or desire to reach an orgasm himself. This will take honest
communication about technique and a mutual willingness to explore new sexual
avenues perhaps using lotions, lubrication, hands, mouth and positions.
Make a commitment to God and your spouse to go through the Forgiveness Workbook together,
Appendix P, and begin to work on making the necessary changes in your marriage. Trust God and His
ways, and pray that He will heal and bless your obedience. Both the Men’s and Women’s Physical
Intimacy Worksheets are also available in the Appendix, Appendix N and Appendix O.
An Honest Prayer about Intimacy

Lord, it’s hard to know what sex really is— is it some demon put in here to torment me? Or
some delicious seducer from reality? It is neither of these, Lord. I know what sex is— it is
body and spirit, it is passion and tenderness, it is strong embrace and gentle handholding,
it is open nakedness and hidden mystery, it is joyful tears on honeymoon faces, and it is
tears on wrinkled faces at a golden wedding anniversary. Sex is a quiet look across the
room, a love note on a pillow, a rose laid on a breakfast plate, laughter in the night. Sex is
life — not all of life — but wrapped up in the meaning of life. Sex is your good gif, O God,
to enrich life, to continue the race, to communicate, to show me who I am, to reveal my
mate, to cleanse through “one flesh”. Lord, some people say sex and religion don’t mix;
but your word says sex is good. Help me to keep it good in my life. Help me to be open
about sex and still protect the mystery. Help me to see that sex is neither demon nor deity.
Help me not to climb into a fantasy world of imaginary sexual partners; keep me in the
real world to love the people you have created. Teach me that my soul does not have to
frown at sex for me to be a Christian. It’s hard for many people to say, “Thank God for
sex!” because for them sex is more a problem than a gif. They need to know that sex and
gospel can be linked together again. They need to hear the good news about sex. Show
me how I can help them. Thank you, Lord, for making me a sexual being. Thank you for
showing me how to treat others with trust and love. Thank you for letting me talk to you
about sex. Thank you that I feel free to say: “Thank you God for sex”.
—Dr. Ed Wheat
Physical Intimacy in Marriage examination for Women

The Bible teaches that there are two specific purposes for human sexual activity in marriage: procreation
(Gen. 1:28, Deut. 7:13-14) and pleasure, or recreation (The Song of Solomon 4:10-12, Prov. 5:18-19).
WEEK 6: Day 5 | 297

relationship.
1. A belief that sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed and practiced only within the
marriage relationship.
2. A commitment to give and receive sex within the context of biblical love, which is
selfless, not selfish.
3. The practice of honest and open communication between husband and wife, learning
how to bring physical pleasure to one another.
4. A basic understanding of human sexual anatomy as it relates to sexual pleasure.
If you had loving parents in a great relationship who taught you a biblical perspective on sexuality, then it
follows that you should have good expectations and be excited about having a sexual relationship with
your husband. In fact, even if this was not your exact history, a normally adjusted bride usually looks
forward to a life of mutual sexual satisfaction and pleasure in marriage. But, as time passes, all too often
hopes and expectations change for a variety of reasons. Perhaps repeated unsatisfying sexual
experiences with your husband, his unwillingness to receive any instruction from you, pregnancies,
raising children and other relationship challenges have quenched your sexual pleasure and changed your
attitude to discouragement and a desire to avoid sex.
298 | WEEK 6: Day 5

If you have a negative attitude toward sex and/or the sexual relationship with your spouse, it is import to
discover why. If God made something and said it is to be part of our relationship in marriage, then we
need to see it as good and be willing to learn how to give it in the best way. It needs to be treated with
the same importance as communication or any other companionship need.
Sadly, many Christian couples are experiencing unfulfilled sexual relations and don’t know how to make it
better. There are medical and physiological issues that can affect either husband or wife but, in most
cases, it is ignorance, selfishness and/or resentment that negatively affects this area in a marriage. Over
the course of any marriage relationship there are seasons when we must deny ourselves and exercise
patience due to medical reasons, pregnancies, life traumas, etc.; however, if the condition is not
terminal, we are to work toward keeping our sexual relationship fulfilling.
As a wife, if you are not initiating, or participating in sex on a regular basis, then you need to find out why
and work toward change. The most common reason that women do not desire or initiate sex is not
physical, but it is a “HEART” issue. Generally, the frequency of sexual intercourse and the need to have
an orgasm every time is not the same for women and men; men usually requiring greater frequency in
both. So which sex drive is the determining factor for sexual intimacy? Neither, as sacrifice and selfdenial
must be practiced by each at different times to maintain a balanced and mutually loving relationship.
Examining the following issues can help resolve problems that affect a woman’s sexual relationship to
her husband.
Hurts that affect the heart:
1. Does your spouse show an interest in learning how to love and prioritize you in the
manner of a godly husband?  Yes  No
2. Do you feel he faithfully takes responsibility when he speaks to you harshly?  Yes  No
3. Do you feel he has been willing and/or interested in learning how to nurture and cherish
you?  Yes  No
4. Do you feel that the family is his greatest earthly possession by the way he has prioritized
his time and his attitude when home?  Yes  No
5. Do you feel he is willing to lovingly lead in the area of parenting the children?  Yes 
No
WEEK 6: Day 5 | 299

6. Do you feel he uses excuses and/or is unwilling to apologize when he uses anger and
harsh discipline toward the children?  Yes  No
7. Do you feel he takes seriously his responsibility to provide for the family?  Yes  No
8. Do you feel he has been willing to lovingly discuss and receive input from you on how,
and how often, to have sex?  Yes  No
9. Do you feel he is attracted to you?  Yes  No
10. Do you feel he has shown spiritual leadership in the home?  Yes  No
These questions address hurts and wounds that you may have, experiences that can affect a wife’s heart
attitude toward sex with her husband. All these hurts can be healed through forgiveness. When a
husband and wife are willing to ask forgiveness, to give and receive it, and then learn how to tend to
each other biblically, this can heal the hurts and bring reconciliation to the relationship in all areas.
Sinful responses:
1. Have you been denying sex to your husband as a way to get revenge, hurt or to
manipulate him?  Yes  No
2. Have you allowed the world’s demonic, dirty image of sex to taint your attitude toward
it?  Yes  No
3. Have you allowed a negative self-image to prevent your husband from enjoying your
body?  Yes  No
4. Have you been withholding sex from your husband because he has not lived up to what
you feel he should be doing as a father or spiritual leader?  Yes  No
5. Have you been willing to cooperate with your husband in expressing how he can sexually
please you, and are you willing to learn how to please him?
 Yes  No
[Note: THE BIBLE DOES NOT CONDONE SELFISH ACTS THAT HURT OTHERS FOR SELF
GRATIFICATION! ]
300 | WEEK 6: Day 5

6. Have you turned to romance novels or TV programs to meet your emotional needs rather
than improving the relationship with your husband?  Yes  No
7. Have you just given up trying to make it better?  Yes  No
If any of these answers are “yes”, you are vulnerable to problems including emotional and/or physical
infidelity. For sure, these issues will drive a wedge between husband and wife, resulting in an unhappy
cohabitation that is far from God’s will and plan for marriage.
It is a fact that you wives participate in marital sex without an orgasm more often than your husbands.
Have you wondered why it is accepted for a man to be sexually pleased with little or no pleasure for his
wife, but, if that is reversed, the outcome is considered abnormal, taboo, or unacceptable? A good wife
should be willing to participate sexually with her husband when she is not “in the mood”, but likewise a
good husband should desire to please his wife even without achieving orgasm himself. To reach this level
of intimacy requires openly and honest communication about how to please one another, and
willingness to mutually explore new avenues for pleasure possibly with lotions, lubrication, hands,
mouth and positions.
Make a commitment to God and your spouse to go through the Forgiveness Workbook together and
begin making necessary changes in your marriage. Trust God and His ways, and pray that He will heal
and bless your marriage.
WEEK 6: Day 5 | 301

Possible physical problems:

As a final word, there are anatomical and physical differences between men and women that make
medical considerations especially relevant to certain difficulties during sexual intercourse. Following is a
discussion of some that can affect women, quoted directly from medical evidence.
“For two thirds of women, intercourse is painful at some point. These are some of the most common
reason why.” Katharine O’Connell, M.D.
Women often suffer in silence because they’re too embarrassed to speak up, or because they assume
there’s no remedy. But the truth is, if sex hurts, it’s usually pretty easy to find out why and, in most cases,
to fix it. So I ask my patients these questions to get to the bottom of what’s going on.
1. You may need more foreplay or have vaginal dryness.

Simply not being lubricated enough is the number-one reason for pain during sex. There are two parts to
our body’s response to foreplay. The first is engorgement, a rushing of blood to the vagina that expands
the vaginal walls—our version of an erection. The second is lubrication, a release of moisture from the
302 | WEEK 6: Day 5

glands that ring the vaginal opening. Both actions signal your readiness for sex, so starting before they
take place can hurt. One patient told me, “A little friction feels good, but I think there’s too much friction
happening.” The quick fix? Lubricant like Astroglide or K-Y. A better fix? More foreplay. If you’ve been
taking an antiallergy medication, that could be the culprit—antihistamines are one of several
medications that can lead to dryness (others include antidepressants and, although it’s not common, the
Pill). Talk to your doctor about it, or keep a water-based lube on hand.
2. It may be vulvodynia or herpes.

The word basically means “painful vulva.” It’s a condition up to 16 percent of women have, but we still
don’t understand very well what causes it. Women often describe it as a burning, stinging, itching,
irritating or raw feeling on their vulva and labia, and say it sometimes hurts even when they’re just sitting
or walking around. If this sounds like you, get a referral to a vulvar-pain specialist (your doctor can find
one at nva.org) or talk to your ob-gyn. Topical creams and oral medications (including antidepressants)
have helped dozens of my patients. The other possibility here is genital herpes. Take a mirror and look
for pimplelike bumps that look like clear blisters on a red base. If you see anything suspicious, don’t
google herpes pictures (it will just freak you out); head to your gynecologist.
3. You may have a yeast infection.

The dreaded overgrowth of the microscopic fungal candida often makes the vulva, vagina and cervix
become irritated, inflamed and incredibly sensitive. (One of my patients told me sex during a yeast
infection felt like her partner was “wearing a sandpaper condom.”) If you’re tender and itchy, and have
clumpy discharge, an over-the-counter vaginal yeast infection treatment should fix you up within a few
days to a week. If it doesn’t, see your gynecologist to rule out STDs and other infections like bacterial
vaginosis (BV).
4. He may be bumping your cervix.

It may sound strange, but getting your cervix bumped can hurt. About 20 percent of women have a
retroverted uterus (meaning the organ tips back toward the tailbone, instead of forward toward the
bladder), which makes it easy for the penis to brush up against your cervix. But the mishap can happen
to any woman during sex positions with deeper penetration, like doggy style. So if it “feels like he’s
pushing my uterus up into my stomach,” as one patient told me, try woman-on-top, where you can
control how deeply, and quickly, your partner thrusts.
5. It may be an ovarian cyst or UTI.

If the pain is on only one side, you could have an ovarian cyst. Your ovaries make cysts for a living; each
month a little one forms around the developing egg, then bursts to release it during ovulation. But if the
cyst isn’t quickly reabsorbed like normal, it can swell up with fluid or blood and get very uncomfortable,
especially during sex. Most cysts will go away within a few weeks or months on their own, but in rare
WEEK 6: Day 5 | 303

cases, persistent cysts may need surgery. Ask your ob-gyn for an ultrasound to check your ovaries.
Ibuprofen can ease the pain, and hormonal birth control can ward off cysts in the future. If it hurts more
in the middle of your pelvis—especially if you’ve noticed that it burns when you pee or you have to go a
lot—it could be a urinary tract infection (UTI), and you should see your doctor for antibiotics. (No,
cranberry juice won’t cure it.)
6. You may have endometriosis, PID or interstitial cystitis.

This is a condition in which tissue that looks and acts like the lining of the uterus grows outside of it—on
the ovaries, fallopian tubes or even the abdominal wall. Aside from uncomfortable sex, it can also cause
constant pelvic pain and excruciating periods. The Pill, or other hormonal birth control, is the best
treatment. Another possible culprit for your discomfort is pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), which
usually results from an untreated infection like chlamydia or gonorrhea traveling into your uterus and
fallopian tubes. (Until reaching this advanced stage, STDs aside from herpes almost never cause painful
sex on their own.) Other symptoms of PID may be stomach pain, fever and smelly discharge. Sound like
you? Get to your doctor ASAP—PID is usually curable with a simple two-week course of antibiotics, but it
can harm your fertility if you don’t take care of it. The third possible cause for your pain is interstitial
cystitis (IC), an inflammation of the bladder that causes a stinging sensation when you pee, and a
frequent, urgent need to go. It’s often misdiagnosed as chronic UTI because of the similar symptoms. If
you’re visiting the restroom hourly and are hurting during or after sex, see your doctor for an evaluation
and ask about IC.
7. It may be pelvic congestion

No, this doesn’t mean your vagina has a cold. During foreplay and arousal, blood rushes to the pelvis;
after sex, the muscles and blood vessels relax, allowing the blood to reenter the rest of the body. But if
the muscles don’t unclench and the blood doesn’t dissipate, it can cause a dull pain. It’s not dangerous,
but it can be uncomfortable. The best remedy is of course, orgasm. And if that doesn’t relieve your
discomfort, consider “premedicating” before sex with 600 to 800 milligrams of ibuprofen to treat the
pain.
An Honest Prayer About Intimacy

Lord, it’s hard to know what sex really is— is it some demon put in here to torment me? Or some
delicious seducer from reality? It is neither of these, Lord. I know what sex is— it is body and spirit, it is
passion and tenderness, it is strong embrace and gentle handholding, it is open nakedness and hidden
mystery, it is joyful tears on honeymoon faces, and it is tears on wrinkled faces at a golden wedding
anniversary. Sex is a quiet look across the room, a love note on a pillow, a rose laid on a breakfast plate,
laughter in the night. Sex is life — not all of life — but wrapped up in the meaning of life. Sex is your good
gif, O God, to enrich life, to continue the race, to communicate, to show me who I am, to reveal my
mate, to cleanse through “one flesh”. Lord some people say sex and religion don’t mix; but your word
304 | WEEK 6: Day 5

says sex is good. Help me to keep it good in my life. Help me to be open about sex and still protect the
mystery. Help me to see that sex is neither demon nor deity. Help me not to climb into a fantasy world of
imaginary sexual partners; keep me in the real world to love the people you have created. Teach me that
my soul does not have to frown at sex for me to be a Christian. It’s hard for many people to say, “Thank
God for sex!” because for them sex is more a problem than a gif. They need to know that sex and gospel
can be linked together again. They need to hear the good news about sex. Show me how I can help them.
Thank you, Lord, for making me a sexual being. Thank you for showing me how to treat others with trust
and love. Thank you for letting me talk to you about sex. Thank you that I feel free to say: “Thank you
God for sex”.
—Dr. Ed Wheat
WEEK 6: Day 5 | 305

Week 7: What Is Godly Leadership?
WeeK 7: Day 1
Introduction
The term we use to describe the responsibility that God has given to men on this earth is “care taker” or “tender”
(Gen 2:15), as men are specifically called to be leaders, and to lead in a godly fashion, according to His instruction
and plan. And women, you are a vital part of this responsibility; we cannot emphasize enough your importance as
a helpmate, both encouraging and affirming your man in this area. A wife must believe that her help is essential,
to understand that her husband cannot become the godly leader God has ordained him to be without continuous
support. A wife can be a tool in the hand of God, designed to work with her husband to build a godly family.
God’s Word is full of illustrations that are helpful to learning; Jesus often used them during His ministry. Let me
give you an example that many parents can relate with; consider now the blessed responsibility of helping a child
get a driver’s license. Some of you may be snickering at this memory, perhaps of doing it or recalling our own
experiences as new drivers. There are many skills to master in life, and some are more natural to us than others,
easier to learn. Just as some people approach driving with confidence and skill, others not so much.
In our family, it is no secret that I enjoy motorcycles, a lot. I had my oldest son, Nicholas, on a 4 wheel motorcycle
before he was four years old. By the way, my wife thought I was crazy, and I can see her point now. Anyway,
Nicholas grasped the concept of throttle control and maneuvering early on, so when it came to driving cars,
merging into traffic, signaling, and all that, he was a natural. With my son Justin, it was a different story. Justin did
not enjoy motorcycles, so he was inexperienced when he entered driver’s training school. His first practice run was
with mom and it was the last one also. She told me, “Honey, I’m never going to do that again.”
So, it became my responsibility to come home early and accompany Justin in this training. I will never forget riding
with him and thinking that he just was not getting it. Our first time entering the freeway, in a little Toyota Tercel, I
watched him accelerate to 60 miles per hour while realizing that I was putting my life in his hands. I said, “Okay,
Justin, merge out onto the freeway.” And he just looks in his rearview mirror, puts his blinker on, and whap,
changes lanes like that. I said, “Justin! “What, what, what? You didn’t even look!” He replies, “Yes I did, I looked
right there.” I continue, “Justin, over your shoulder, look over your shoulder.” He says, “I can’t Dad. If I look over
my shoulder I can’t see forward and I can’t do that.”
306 | WEEK 7: Day 1

WeeK 7: WHaT IS GODlY leaDeRSHIP?
Justin did eventually obtain a driver’s license, but every time he left alone in the car my wife and I worried about
receiving that dreaded phone call, “Dad, I got in an accident.” I mean, for the first few months both my wife and I
would worry every time he drove away. Justin was never in an accident, praise the Lord; however, during his first
few months as a driver he locked his keys in the car three times (I kept telling him to get a spare). He also left his
lights on several times so the battery went dead. Guess who he called on for help, sometimes very late at night?
We got through it all without serious damage, and Justin is still driving and doing very well.
In the same way, some men seem to grasp the principles of leading their family more easily than others. Due to
one’s personality and personal experience by their parents can also affect a man’s ability to grasp and work at
these principles. It is important to remember we are new creations in Christ (2 Cor 5:17). So, no matter what
personality God gave us, nor our personal experiences can stop God from completing His work within and through
us. Only our own rebellion or lack of faith can hinder this.
What was God Thinking?

Men, this role that God has given us, to lead our families, may be new information for you. And even if you already
know about this responsibility, how many are questioning how God could even consider putting you in the driver’s
seat? When I think about who I was when God said, “I’m going to bring you a wife and I’m going to put her under
your care to tend to, to care for.” And then He blessed me with three beautiful children; what was He thinking? If
you are being honest, admit that this is sometimes overwhelming, even frightening. Praise God, He promises to be
with us all the way, and to provide all the information and strength we need to learn how to do this. He expects us
to make mistakes, knows about the learning curve, but He knows that we can do it if we abide in Him and His
Word each day.
My wife and I were not believers when we married but God saw our future, knew that we would come to
Him. God knows our weaknesses and fears, everything about us, even when we are ignorant. He is not
thinking we’ll never learn, because He is there to help. Like many men, I have struggled with seeing it
that way, wondering if I would ever learn, because I kept looking at who I was apart from Christ rather
than who I am in Christ. Psalm 139:1-18 reveals that God knows everything about us: our hurts, bitter
grudges toward others, lust, selfishness, and even the effects our parents’ mistakes would have on us. He
has known it all from the beginning and still said “I love you” in Christ’s sacrifice for us. God has called
you, anointed you, and is trusting you with the leadership of your family. Now, you must learn to trust
Him.
Matthew 10:30 says this, “But the very hairs of your head are also numbered.”
God loves you so much, has such intimate knowledge of each individual, that He even counts the number
of hairs on your head (for some of us, that job is getting easier over time!). God knows us inside and out.
Read the following verse and fill out the blanks below.
WEEK 7: Day 1 | 261

2 Timothy 1:9 says that God “…has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not
according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace, which was given to
us in Christ Jesus before time began.”
Called us with a ________ calling

Not according to our _____________
But according to _______ own _________________
And _________
Grace is power given to us by God, and this is divine power to do anything He has called you to do,
including leading your family.
When the Lord Jesus died on the cross, it covered everything you would ever do or be, including the
good, the bad, and the ugly. Second Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new
creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” You have been redeemed, a
new creation in Him. We only have to ask, seek, believe, and receive all that He has done, and it is ours.
Reading in Ephesians, we learn that God has chosen us, called us to Himself, and when we choose to
receive the salvation provided in Christ, He sees us as pure and without sin (Eph. 1:4-7). Our calling is
holy, designed to bring glory to God (Eph. 1:6) and to accomplish His will in every area of our lives (Eph.
2:10). This calling is not based on good works or ability (Eph. 2:8-9), because we had the best parents,
have not committed the “worst” sins, are wealthy, poor, or any other human reason. The calling is God’s
idea, and will be worked out by His anointing and work. At the time of your birth, God already saw your
entire life, so it can be said that every event was predestined, including your marriage and the births of
your children. God wants all of us to continuously, daily, look at our responsibility from an eternal
perspective, remembering that He has called, anointed, and will enable us to do great things according to
His will (2 Pet. 1:1-4).

Read the following Scriptures, write down what God has done, and promised. What should be your
response?
1 Peter 1:15, “but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct”
308 | WEEK 7: Day 1

according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will,”
Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love
God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”
Do you believe you are called?

What doubts, what fears, what lie has Satan told you that has kept you from believing that you are called
by Almighty God to accomplish His purposes? God is not a liar.
When I first learned of my leadership role, I studied scripture and realized what God wanted me to do for
my wife and children. I said, “God, I can’t do that.” I can imagine Him smiling, thinking “Oh, really Craig?
Like I don’t know you? I know you can’t do it on your own.” And I love that I finally came to understand
that I can’t even get out of bed right, and God doesn’t expect it. It is by His grace that I am able to do
anything right in life. And when I live in that realm rather than, “Oh, poor me, gosh, poor me, oh, I can’t
do anything.” I mean, “Craig, just shut up and remember you are a child of God.” I have been called,
anointed by God to walk in righteousness, and to accomplish His will in every area of my life. No
exceptions, none!
When I began as a husband, and then a father, there was nothing good in my flesh, nothing I brought
into the relationships that made me what God desired. But I knew that all was available to me in Christ,
because of His love and grace. I had to look into His Word and believe that He called me, anointed me,
and would give me all that I need. We cannot doubt. We cannot fear.

Read the following verses and write out what God promises to do for you.
1 Corinthians 1:8 says that God, “…will also confirm you to the end, that you may be
blameless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
WEEK 7: Day 1 | 263

Psalm 37:17 says, “For the arms of the wicked shall be broken, but the Lord upholds the
righteous.”
2 Corinthians 12:9, (God says) “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made
perfect in weakness.” (Our response) Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my
infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
310 | WEEK 7: Day 1

Being “confident” means assured, convinced in your inner being. This is a true and absolute promise
from God: He will complete His work in you. What God desires to do through us, He will do in us IF we
believe and put our trust in Him.
You must not doubt.

You cannot become the man God has called you to be as a husband and father if you doubt His promises.
Mark 11:22-24, “So Jesus answered and said to them, “Have faith in God. For assuredly, I
say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ and
does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will
have whatever he says. Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray,
believe that you receive them, and you will have them.”
This is not prosperity doctrine: “God, I visualize a Mercedes, I’m claiming it.” It means pray in faith, ask
God for anything He promises in His Word, anything! When you find Scriptures like, “I have called you to
be holy (1 Pet 1:15), and to lead (Eph. 5:23), love, cherish, and nurture your wife as I love the Church
(Eph. 5:25, 29). I have called you to raise your children according to My Word (Eph. 6:4).” When you see
this and cry out to Him, “Oh, my God, I can’t! But, Lord, I want to. I pray for it, I believe it, and I’m asking
you to change me. Your promises, I want them. I want to be holy, to be the husband, and father You
desire. God, please teach me to love, oversee, and lead my family.” God will never answer, “Well, I don’t
know, you’re kind of a goofball. You did this wrong…and that…and I’m not sure if I want to help you.” He
loves your wife, and each child, far more than you ever could. God is waiting and pleading, “Oh, please
ask so I can pour my blessings into you.” He wants His love and grace to pour through you to your family.
God did not want me, Craig Caster, to stay the way I was when I got married. He saw every weakness, but
one of God’s purposes for marriage is our personal transformation into the image of Jesus Christ (Rom.
8:29). When I failed, I had to believe that God was still working in me, had a plan for my success. By
trusting God, I have the confidence to pray, asking God to change me and give me the ability to succeed.
God called and anointed me, saying, “This is your gift, Craig, and this is My will for you.” I could choose at
any time not to believe in that gift and not trust Him. And remember, this is a continuing process: ask my
wife, she’ll tell you. Ask my kids: “Remember when you were five, what was your dad like?” They will tell
you. Praise God, some of the best belly-laughs we have around my house come from talking about the
foolish things I did, and some of the mule-headed actions of my son, Nicholas.
WeeK 7: Day 2
Do not look back to who you were.
We have to believe. The key to being a leader and overseer of your family is believing the promises of
God, leaving who you were in the past, your own ways, and abiding in Him and in His Word daily.
Matthew 16:24, says, “Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘If anyone desires to come afer
Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me.’”
To “deny” is not just referring to our old habits and attitudes, it also means denying who we were apart
from Christ. “To deny self is not the same as self-denial; it means to yield to His control so completely
that self has no rights whatever.”54 In other words, Christ now owns us and we are to be concerned about
His purposes and plans for our lives. I was stuck for years, kept looking at who I was apart from Christ.
And when I would study scriptural truths like, “You cannot be my disciple unless you do …,” or “A disciple
does …,” I never related those verses to myself. I thought when they spoke of disciples, they were for
somebody else. But these verses are for all of us.
54 William MacDonald, Believer’s Bible Commentary: Old and New Testaments, ed. Arthur Farstad (Nashville: Thomas
Nelson, 1995), 1268.
WEEK 7: Day 2 | 265

312 | WEEK 7: Day 1

Read the following scriptures, describe who you are in Christ. What has God done for you? What should be
your response?
2 Corinthians 5:17, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have
passed away; behold, all things have become new.”
Philippians 3:13–14, “ Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I
do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which
are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”
Men, we are tempted to say, “Well, that’s not who I am. I’ve blown it for many years. I’ve been this way for
fifteen, twenty years, that’s who I am. I tried.” But God says, “Take your eyes off who you are, and put
them on who you can be in Christ.” The Bible calls you a new creature, called and anointed by God to lead
and oversee your family. When you start believing that and desire to change, your life will never be the
same. Our God, who has chosen us in Jesus Christ, is able to do all things and promises to give us all that
we need to accomplish the task before us. Every instruction that God has given to us as men, as overseers
of our wives and children, He will give us the ability to fulfill. We are the only ones who can stop that from
happening.
Ephesians 1:3-4 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has
blessed us with every spiritual blessing in heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in
Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before
Him in love.”
We must remember that all our holiness and blessing resides in Jesus Christ. Being a godly leader means
we aspire to become like Jesus, through the power of His Holy Spirit within us (Eph. 1:13, 19). I encounter
all types of attitudes when counseling; one man, when I was reproving him, said, “Well, okay, I sin.
Everybody sins.” He started into his story and I asked, “Have you told your wife you’re sorry?” He replied,
“No, she blows it too.” What kind of leader is that? The only standard for our behavior is glorifying God in
our homes, in front of our wives and children (1 Cor. 10:31). We have to desire it, we have to aspire to it,
no excuses. Every day you make a choice, a commitment: “God, I want my behavior, seen and unseen, to
266 | WEEK 7: Day 2

glorify you. And if it doesn’t, I’m asking that Your Holy Spirit convict me. Especially if I blow it in front of the
most important people in my life, my wife and my children. I’m asking, God, for the humility to go to them
and ask for forgiveness.”
God has never let me down. Believe me, I have had some lengthy arguments, something like this: God,
“That was not right, Craig. Go deal with that one.” Craig, “Oh well, God, but I’ve had a rough day, and look
what she did, look what she didn’t do, look what my kids did.” And God will listen to you; He will be
patient, but He is relentless if you give Him time to speak to you. You try to crawl up in His lap the next
morning in your devotional time, and He’s going to be right there: “Craig, go deal with that. You have not
taken responsibility for what you did yesterday, go and ask their forgiveness.” God will give us the grace
and power to follow His Word; be obedient.
1 Corinthians 6:20, “For you were bought with a price, therefore glorify God in your body
and in your spirit, which are God’s.”
Fact File
To glorify – means to reflect, to honor, praise, to give esteem or honor by putting Him into an
honorable position.
Take a moment and ask the Lord to examine your heart. Ask Him to show you where you have doubted His
promises. Confess your unbelief, be specific. Ask Him for greater faith to believe and to begin to trust His
promises in these areas.
Write out your prayer below.

Godly leadership represents God Himself.

When your wife and children see you, do they see someone who reflects the attitudes and behavior of the
Lord? Again, that is our goal and we can never make excuses for failure. Take it to the Lord. To be a godly
leader, you must first be a follower of God, and be concerned about glorifying Him. Examine yourselves
often. Am I reflecting the nature of God? Do I know what that looks like? I meet Christian men who have a
very flippant attitude toward being Christ-like, or believing that marriage is part of the sanctification
process. The young man who said, “We all sin. Come on, can I be perfect?” was being foolish about his sin
WEEK 7: Day 2 | 267

and disrespectful to his wife. If we have that attitude, we are not answering the call of God. If you ever tell
yourself, “I’m not a bad guy, never killed anybody, quit smoking, don’t drink much, and/or don’t carouse.
You know, I’m a good ole boy!” then you are on the pathway to misery. You will never find real happiness
and fulfillment in your home, and neither will your wife and children. b Self-Examination 2
Husbands, take some time right now, ask God to reveal areas where you have NOT been glorifying Him in
your family. Write them down and ask forgiveness from God for each, then ask forgiveness from family
members as necessary.
There are no excuses.

I had lunch one day with a guy that I counseled about fourteen years earlier, learned he had not followed
through with what I had told him to do. He was asking for input, again, on how to fix his very messy,
unhappy life. I said to him, “Do you want me to pull out my magic wand and wave it over you? You didn’t
do one thing I told you, and every time you had an excuse.” Now he’s divorced and has two kids that he
hasn’t seen in over 18 months. This guy had every reason in the world for why he wouldn’t do what God
told him to do. Is there really any valid excuse for ignoring the calling and the anointing of God? No
excuses, only you can choose to reject God’s invitations. What follows is tragedy and pain instead of
blessing and joy. I asked him, “Is your pride and sin such good company now?”
Yes, we can all choose to say, “I don’t want to do this. I don’t believe this will work, it takes too much
effort.” When God first began to nudge me toward fulltime ministry, and I realized it meant speaking in
front of people, I said, “No, God I’m not doing that. I’m not going to teach, and I’m not going to stand up in
front of people, and I’m definitely not going to read in front of people. But I’ll do anything else for You.”
Does God have a sense of humor? He kept pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing. He was
relentless. And when I finally said, “Okay, I really believe You are calling me to do it,” God began to show
me what He can do. I finally got out of the way and decided to believe in His calling and His anointing in
ministry. But, this did not come until I had committed myself to His first ministry for me, to be a godly
leader to my wife and children. All this happened because I surrendered to God’s will and believed that all
His promises were available to me.
268 | WEEK 7: Day 2

WeeK 7: Day 3
We have a responsibility.
1. Believe in God’s promises. This is essential, but we need to remember that all God’s blessing comes
through our faith in Jesus Christ. The Father’s first desire is that we are becoming more and more
transformed into the image of His Son.
God promises:
2 Peter 1:4, “by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises,
that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the
corruption that is in the world through lust.”
Ask in faith:
James 1:5–8, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and
without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for
he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that
man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man,
unstable in all his ways.”
See the transformation:
Romans 8:29, “For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image
of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.”
2. Desire to be like Jesus, one with Him, pray for it and keep this a priority. This is the foundation upon
which all else is built. Choose to crawl up in God’s lap every day, be in His Word and spend some time
with Him alone. With a prayerful attitude, say that you want to be like Him, ask for the strength and
guidance to do His will. God will always answer that prayer. b Self-Examination 3
Since Week Two, has your daily devotional time been consistent? Do you spend time in prayer by
yourself, praying with the family? Go back through the Week Two material as needed. If you have been
failing in this area, write out a prayer below asking God’s forgiveness, and for the grace to start again and
stay at it.
WEEK 7: Day 3 | 317

3. Remember that God will supply all the power you need, and the humility to ask forgiveness when you
fail. Do not excuse, cover up or fear your failures. Jesus covered that on the cross; we need to be willing
to ask for forgiveness. That is the key to our transformation. God’s Holy Spirit convicts us when we sin
(John 16:8-9). It is our responsibility to confess the sin (1 John 1:9), to repent or turn the other direction
toward holiness (Acts 17:30), and ask His forgiveness (Eph. 1:7) in order to be restored to full fellowship
and be transformed. Be sure to ask forgiveness of the person who was hurt by your behavior.
Matthew 5:23–24, “Therefore if you bring your gif to the altar, and there remember that
your brother has something against you, leave your gif there before the altar, and go
your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gif.”
And wives, I know you are familiar with your husband’s failures, which is the very reason for you to have
faith, believing what God can do in both of you. Affirming your husband, helping him succeed in the
godly leadership of your home, requires that you practice looking at him with God’s eternal perspective. I
realize I’m not a woman, never been a wife, but I try to imagine how hard it was for my wife to look at
me, believing that I could change after knowing me for so many years as I was. It has been a process of
constant faith, with failures along the way, as God has made me into a leader, pastor, and priest over my
home. But she chose to believe, praise God, and she quit looking at me for who I was and said, “Okay,
God, this is what You say he can be. I’m trusting You when I feel that I can’t trust him.” Notice the word
“feel” and realize feelings can and will change. God’s truth is unchanging.
Wife, have you been trusting God? He will give you the faith to trust, and the grace (power) to lovingly,
humbly, and in an affirming way be a helpmate to your husband as you are both being transformed into
the image of Christ.
Write your prayer below, asking for God’s help.
318 | WEEK 7: Day 3

God has already been there.

Keep in mind that God is never surprised by us because He lives in eternity—outside of time. He sees our
lives as a whole so He already knows what is going to happen.
Ephesians 2:10, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works,
which God prepared beforehand that we may walk in it.”
Fact File
Workmanship: polema (Greek), from which we get our English word poem. Means to make
something, a work, a workpiece, workmanship,55 and or masterpiece.
There are two truths in this passage to comfort us. First, we are HIS workmanship; you are God’s poem,
becoming His masterpiece, which includes your marriage and family. Second, His grace enables us to do
His will; we are created in Christ Jesus for good works. You can Praise God that no matter what situation
you may face today or tomorrow with your spouse and kids, God has already been there and prepared
you to do good works; however, you must look to Him and choose to walk His path for you.
Men, husbands, fathers, God wants you to know that He has called you, designed you to lead, not in your
own strength, but in His power and might. God created the family and has made His plan clear how to
manage it, placing our wives and children under our authority and protection. This may be a new
concept, as it is certainly not taught or popular in today’s society. For many reasons, it may be a difficult
adjustment for your wife, but do not be discouraged and keep seeking God’s guidance. Be humble and
obedient, you will all be blessed, I guarantee.
authority in the family is God’s design.

We see in Genesis 2:18, “And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him
a helper comparable to him.’”
Fact File
Helper: is one who comes along and assists, not leads, but assists.
55 Spiros Zodhiates, The Complete Word Study Dictionary: New Testament (Chattanooga, TN: AMG Publishers, 2000) 1190.
WEEK 7: Day 3 | 319

Just as a corporation is governed by a leader following customs and an organizational management style,
so is a family. But there is a crucial difference, our family model comes God, not a secular blueprint for
success. We will not prosper if we use traditions, cultural norms, ethnic beliefs, secular advice, or
anything that is outside the Word and will of God. Many families are struggling because the wife was
raised one way, the man another, and the wife has been given the lead in many areas of home life. This
seems natural as she becomes the primary nurturer of the children and keeper of the household duties.
The situation is common: the husband comes home and functions as his wife’s helpmate. This is a
pattern that has developed within our society, but this is not God’s way.

Read the following Scriptures and write down the order God has established for family.
I Corinthians 11:3, “But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head
of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”
Colossians 3:18-21, “Wives, submit unto your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands
love your wife and do not be bitter towards them. Children, obey your parents in all
things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, least
they become discouraged.”
So we see this order and it is clear throughout Scripture: God, man, woman, and children.
This is an authority structure, a management style that God established. Men, if you have given, or
yielded your responsibility to your wife in any area, this is not God’s will. Some wives have fought for it
and won, but you have lost what God assigned to you. That is to relinquish responsibility to someone not
equipped by God to handle it, and this is why so many marriages are suffering and why couples are not
bearing fruit for God in their marriages. To take this to a more shocking level, God says a man needs to
lead in ALL areas of the home, not just some (1 Tim. 3:4-5). This is God’s express will for the family.
320 | WEEK 7: Day 3

I remember counseling a premarital couple who were planning to use the “his strengths, her strengths”
lifestyle in marriage. They told me that they took some tests and the results were coming up 50-50, 50-
50, 50-50 for shared responsibility according to this test, and then the finances swung to 80 percent in
her favor as the leader. And I asked, “So, where did you come up with this? Okay, so you’re better at
budgeting and accounting, more frugal, better at reconciling your checkbook, does that mean you should
have 80 percent of decision making in the finances? What does the Bible say? The Bible says that the
man is to lead in every area.” I’m not aiming at the women; lots of men would love to have their wives
take care of their responsibilities.
Now, before everyone starts crying out “Wait a minute, Craig, where are you going?” Should a wife, if
she has the gifts and talents of reconciling a checkbook and paying the bills and being more organized in
doing those types of things, should she be doing that? Praise God, yes! Especially if the husband is not
good at it. She’s your helpmate. It’s not relinquishing it to her, if all the decisions are made jointly with
your approval. Our goal is to fulfill God’s will and purpose and glorify Him, and if you are handling areas
where she has greater skill, then delegate and oversee. But don’t walk away and dump all the
responsibility and stress for the budget on her, then complain about not knowing where all the money’s
going or why the tithe checks are not being sent out.
The husband and wife need to have a clear, jointly agreed-upon expense budget. They need to establish
a method of how the bills will be paid monthly, and who will be doing the actual paying. If a wife is better
equipped and organized, then by all means she can do it. But, the man needs to be involved and aware
of all income, expenses and any changes that are being considered before any changes are made to the
financial plan for the family.
4 Action Plan 1
If you have never been discipled on finances from a Christian perspective, make a commitment to go
online or contact your church to see if they use Crown Financial Ministries or Dave Ramsey’s materials.
This can be taught in a small group setting, or you can visit them online for information.
There is a proper way to lead.

The husband or father is to lead as God instructs, not as a dictator with a heavy hand, but as a loving
servant of the Lord.
2 Timothy 2:24-25, “A servant of the Lord must not quarrel, but be gentle to all, able to
teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will
grant them repentance so they may know the truth.”
WEEK 7: Day 3 | 321

These principles of leadership come directly from God’s Word, and are the guidelines for leading in His
will.
A husband does well when he leads and/or corrects with this in mind.
1) Be a Servant
To be a servant of the Lord means that as a man of God, as a leader, we have surrendered to doing His
will. When the Bible says that to be a leader, you first have to be a servant, it does not look like this:
“Honey, I’m supposed to be a servant, so what do you want me to do?” Or, not going to your children
with, “Hey, whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it, just let me know. I’m your servant.”
That sounds ridiculous, but some homes look like this where dad has become the go-to guy for doing his
wife’s or even the children’s will. This is chaos; responsibility is shared, but not authority. Men, we
surrender to God’s design for us to oversee in all areas, and to be aware in all areas. But delegation is
also God’s design; Jesus came to do His Father’s will, we see that throughout Scripture. The Father
delegates work to the Son, and He also delegates to us, as we can delegate to those in our family.
2) Be Gentle
A servant must be gentle to all. Again, God does not want a dominating spirit to be our leadership style.
Fact File
Gentle: “denotes seemly, fitting; hence, equitable, fair, moderate, forbearing, not insisting
on the letter of the law; it expresses that considerateness that looks humanely and
reasonably at the facts of a case.”56
Remember, as you serve God, you will make mistakes, sometimes willfully and sometimes out of
ignorance. As you oversee your family, as they learn to yield to your gentle, reasonable leadership, there
will be disobedience and mistakes. Remember, you are God’s representative to them, a reflection of Him,
and also remember your own failures. God is patient and forgiving when we humble ourselves before
Him. Extend that love to those He has placed in your care, your wife and children. Overseeing, giving
direction, and applying God’s wisdom is your responsibility, but that also includes forgiveness and mercy
when those in your family fail to follow your lead.
You may have a strong-willed wife that is struggling and you can see this information is really not
appealing to her. In fact, you are fearful of discussion, much less actually taking the lead in some areas. I
know some of you are thinking that, because I encounter these situations in counseling. Some women
say with their attitude, not in so many words, “This territory is mine and I will not budge. They say to
their husband, “What do you mean lead? You don’t even know where you’re going. Look at all the bad
things you’ve done…and I’m going to let you lead me? Forget it!” I know some men listen to that and
56 W.E. Vine and F.F. Bruce, vol. 2, Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words (Old Tappan NJ: Revell, 1981),
144-45.
322 | WEEK 7: Day 3

believe it, don’t have the courage to step up and say, “No, we’re going to turn this around, whatever it
takes, we’re going to press in and we’re going to change. I believe that God has called me, anointed me,
and He wants me to quit looking at my past failures and start looking at Him and believe the promises.”
Choose to believe God in the face of difficulty, and follow.
Take into account that gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit, which comes from your relationship with God.
Galatians 5:22–23, “ But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.”
4 Action Plan 2
Husband: If moving forward into a leadership role in your family is a struggle, write out a prayer for
strength, and for God to open your wife’s heart.
Wife: if you are having difficulty receiving these truths from God’s Word, write out a prayer asking God to
help you with your unbelief, and for His grace to help your husband become a Godly leader.
3) Be Humble
A godly servant treats others with humility. This means esteeming others greater than ourselves; not
seeing ourselves as better, or more important (Phil 2:3), but equal in the sight of God. It is God who calls
and anoints us, provides all the instruction and power to succeed. If I had approached my wife and
declared, “All right, I’m the boss according to God, and it’s about time since I’m the wisest one here, the
one who has always known it all, anyway,” would she have wanted to submit to me? Remember, what
we communicate with our attitudes may be closer to that than we realize. I know what a selfish,
undeserving jerk I was when God called and forgave me. Then I learned that He wanted me to lead and
my wife to submit, but my leadership was to come from a heart of gentleness and humility. That’s doing
it His way, showing much grace and patience with our wives even when they are bucking the system, or
when our children challenge us.
WEEK 7: Day 3 | 323

4) Bring Correction
A leader is told to correct those who are under his authority. It is important to understand what this
word “correcting” means. First, it means bringing clarity to the Word and the will of God in any situation
or, in other words, having a godly plan for you to follow. Second, it means implementing that plan by
standing up, pressing in, not giving up, not retreating, and not relinquishing your responsibility. When
God speaks to you through His Word, don’t say, “Well, that was pretty powerful, maybe we should use
one or two of those principles.” Please want it all, believe and pray for it all, commit to working out what
God commands. The Bible says all things are possible with God (Mark 9:23, 10:27). Jesus is the example
of how to lead in our homes, and His Word teaches us how to do it when there are trials and opposition.
A leader is not to be passive or uninvolved. We are not to relinquish our responsibility or authority.
Remember, wives are our helpmates and in that capacity we are foolish not to include their input, or
delegate to their talents and abilities. A wife most often manages the home and, as a mother, often
spends more time managing the children, but this can be a team effort with the husband overseeing and
having the word of authority in any final decision. This is God’s management style for the family.
324 | WEEK 7: Day 3

4 Action Plan 3
Husband: if you have any fears or reservations about this God-given responsibility, use the space below for
a prayer. Ask God for the wisdom and grace to move forward, trusting Him to enable you to work out these
principals in your home. Also for patience and perseverance to lovingly handle any opposition from your
wife and/or children.
Wife: if you have already been praying for this, use the space below to praise the Lord, and ask for the
strength to encourage and affirm your husband. If you have fears and reservations, use the space below to
confess them and ask God for the grace to believe that this is His plan for your family, even when it doesn’t
“feel” right.
WeeK 7: Day 4
Influence of a Father
Research has repeatedly shown that fathers possess a supernatural power that surpasses the influence of
a mother. Even the secular philosopher Sigmund Freud, noted writer on family dynamics, acknowledged
that fathers have an unusual power to influence the course of a child’s life. As Christians, we know this is a
proof of God’s design, the plan that puts men in the leadership role over the family. Couples who follow
this plan, are willing to receive and implement God’s will, bring glory to God and are assured of His
blessing in their lives. In the year 2000, statistics tell us when a mother is the first one to accept Christ in a
home, there’s a 17 percent chance the rest of the family will come to know Christ. But when a father is the
first one to accept Jesus Christ, there’s a 93 percent chance the entire family will come to know the Lord. 57
That’s one of many statistics that demonstrate the influence fathers have over their children.
Yes, a man is created by God to lead, but a woman is created to be his helpmate, essential to him being
fulfilled and equipped to fulfill that role. So, is a wife less important? Absolutely not! Men, we need the
57 Accessed 2006, http://www.navpress.com/EPubs/DisplayArticle/3/3.11.32.html
276 | WEEK 7: Day 4

input and help of our wives; as women they complete us with wisdom, knowledge, discernment,
perspective and gifts from God that we do not possess. A woman who is nurturing and parenting children
is following a plan establish by both parents. It must be clear to them that she is under dad’s protection,
and representing him as she implements rules and discipline. This way, a wife is under the protection of
God-given leadership. In a household where mom is leading in the parenting, for whatever reason, she will
eventually feel stressed, frustrated, and unfulfilled. You all know what’s going on in your homes. If dad is
not in the lead, you know why. The challenge is to change it and, men, you are the only ones who can take
the lead. Do you believe this?
Husbands and wives, as you move forward to implement this type of home management, there will always
be resistance. For example, in my home we made it clear that when the kids were messing with my wife,
they were messing with me. One way I protected and supported my wife was to say, “Choose wisely. If you
want a double discipline, just ignore your mom and wait until I get home. Remember, when I’m not here,
Mom is in charge. I’m president; she’s VP.” If you have children, I strongly encourage you to complete the
parenting workbook that can be found on this website, or at www.FDM.world. You can use our free video
series on the website, called Parenting is a Ministry. This will teach you how to lead. I include my wife in all
areas that pertain to decision making within the family, including finances and the training of our children.
God says that we are one, so why would I neglect her input and help?
Resistance brings Consequences

There are times when my wife and I disagree and she is called to yield to me, putting her trust in God, not
Craig Caster, but in God. And when she voluntarily yields to my authority, not with moodiness, harshness,
and/or holding back physically, she is truly affirming my leadership.
Read the following scripture and write out in your own words what God is saying.
Romans 13:1-2, “Let every soul be subject to the governing authority. For there is no
authority except from God and the authority that exists are appointed by God. Therefore,
whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist brings
judgment upon themselves.”
Ouch! This is a spiritual law established by God, not something that men campaigned to get for
themselves. There is authority that does not seem to make sense, and for some of you, just like my wife,
there are questions in your mind.
WEEK 7: Day 4 | 277

But notice that the Scripture says, “there is no authority except from God” (v 1). That is pretty inclusive, no
authority. In this case we have government over all citizens (Titus 3:1; 1 Pet. 2:13-17), but God also speaks
of the church and pastors’ authority over all believers (Heb. 13:7, 17); the headship of husband over wife
(1 Cor. 11:3, 8-9; Eph. 5:22); the rule of parents over children (Ex. 20:12; Prov. 6:20-22; 23:22; Luke 2:51;
Eph. 6:1); and the position of masters over all employees (Eph. 6:5-8; Col 3:22; 1 Pet. 2:18). I think you get
the point.
Observe also that, “the authorities that exist are appointed by God” (v 1). This same word for appointed is
used in Acts 13:48, “as many as were appointed to eternal life.” In other words, God controls those in
authority. That means good government officials and bad, good pastor and bad, good husbands and bad,
good parents and bad, good employers and bad. We may not understand this, but that is what the Word of
God says. Why do you think there were, and are, so many martyrs? Christians have been killed under the
hand of the government (as well as many other authorities) because they would not deny their faith, even
when threatened with death. The martyrs lived and died by the principle that “God appoints all authority.”
Scripture also notes that those who “resist authority, resist the ordinance of God” (v 2), which is rebelling
directly against the Lord. By resisting this order, you bring divine judgment on yourself. God spoke these
spiritual laws into existence; they are very similar to physical laws as we discussed earlier, like gravity.
Gravity is a good thing; it keeps us down here on the earth with our feet firmly on the ground. That is what
God’s truth does, keeps us firmly planted in His will so that we can receive His blessings for obedience.
Husbands, according to what has just been said, God has appointed you to lead from a position of
authority. If you say, “I know I am supposed to lead but _______” you fill in the blank, you are resisting
what God has ordained you to do, breaking a spiritual law, and bringing judgment upon yourself. This
judgment can come in many forms: lack of power to live the Christian life, trouble understanding God due
to your disobedience, diminishing intimacy with the Lord resulting in loss of peace, joy, confidence and/or
contentment, and much more. Depression, anxiety, doubt and fear will follow.
A wife’s challenge is to trust the Lord under the husband’s leadership. Whether a man is refusing to take
authority, or a wife is unwilling to yield and accept God’s plan for marriage, you both are going to suffer
consequences. God is going to spank you by bringing some kind of pain.
Disobedience to spiritual laws always brings pain; the may be a judgment that brings loss of joy, peace, and
contentment, resulting in confusion, misery and eventually depression. Statistics show that some 45
percent of the people in Christendom are on psych meds, due to bouts of depression. I have counseled
many who define themselves as clinically depressed. After spending some time with them, examining how
they are tending to each other as a husband and wife, it becomes clear why they are depressed. I tell
them, for example, “Well, you are breaking about eight spiritual laws. I’m surprised you’re doing as well as
you are.
278 | WEEK 7: Day 4

We cannot break spiritual laws without reaping the consequences, feeling pain both in heart and mind.”
Depression often is the result of unconfessed sin and an unrepentant heart. This can result when a man
will not lead, or a woman will not submit. b Self-Examination 4

Can you trust God with this truth? How do you feel when you read that God disciplines and motivates us
with pain if we don’t yield to him? Use the space below to write out a prayer, asking Him for faith to accept
His truth. Meditate on the verse below, you can trust God’s work in your life because it comes from His
love for you as a dear child.
Hebrews 12:5–6, “and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as
sons, “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, Nor faint when you are
reproved by Him; For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son
whom He receives.”” (NASB95)
Spiritual Training of the Family

An important aspect of a man’s authority involves spiritual training and oversight. We covered some of this
in Week 5, Day 4, under Family Leadership is a Man’s Job. A man does this first by daily abiding in Christ
through prayer and study of God’s Word. The next daily practice is to become involved by listening,
helping, and discussing spiritual things with his wife. A husband is to be truly concerned about his wife’s
protection, and the most important aspect of that is her spiritual growth and devotional life.
Ephesians 5:25-26, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and
gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of the water
of the Word.”
Another aspect of a man’s responsibility is the training and discipline of his children. Again, the blueprint
for discipline is only found in God’s Word and daily time here and in prayer is a necessity. And this is not a
one-man job, but also requires time spent together, husband and wife, in discussion and prayer. All this is
done in the context of a loving relationship with God and with each other. Hopefully we are all getting the
point that all this commitment, study and obedience is an act of love for God, trusting that He loves us
WEEK 7: Day 4 | 279

and wants the best for us. For a man to disciple his wife and children, helping them learn how to abide in
God and His Word, is an investment in eternity. That’s our commission, to produce fruit for God’s
kingdom.
Ephesians 6:4, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them
up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”
I remember back in 1988, when God spoke to me: “Craig, your first ministry is your family.” I thought,
“Well, how did I miss this?” So I started teaching my kids with a weekly Bible study. My daughter is our
youngest, and almost every night we went over her devotional for the day. I have seen the blessings
resulting from my obedience to God in this area. The life decisions that my grown children are now
making bless my wife and I beyond our wildest dreams.
In 1 Timothy 3:4, it reads, “One who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all
reverence.” To rule means to manage. We are to make sure that our children are submitting to our
authority, honoring our wives, and accepting our training. God has called us to do this.
WeeK 7: Day 5
Husbands are Priests of the Home
This is a very important role that truly ministers to your wife and children. You are a priest over your
home, just as a priest is over the Church. When you perform your function as God’s Word guides, you are
not only serving Him, but also your wife and children. Have you ever looked at yourself as a priest?
Six elements of Priesthood

First, your daily devotion is essential. This is your personal time with the Lord, admitting to yourself and
showing God and your family that you need His guidance and strength to get through each day. I can’t
exhort you enough, your daily devotion is so important. Every day I choose to be alone with the Lord, I
am honoring Him and reminding myself, “I need You, God. I can’t do it without You.” I can’t rely on the
last 30-something years of experience. I can’t rely on the wisdom He has given me before. I can’t rely on
anything else but His daily grace. So I go to Him every day and prove that there’s nothing more
important. I need His grace to be the husband and father that He called me to be. Is your daily devotion
an example, glorifying Christ in your house?
330 | WEEK 7: Day 5

Second, your example is an inspiration. Just as a pastor is to righteous before his flock, so it is with us, to
be a model of faithfulness to the Lord in your family. We all fail to glorify God all the time, the question
is, “What to do when you fail to represent God in your behavior?” Glorifying God means we do not
excuse any behavior, word or deed, done in front of our wives and/or children that does not exemplify
Jesus. When a man is faithfully confessing his sin to the Lord and asking his wife and children to forgive
him for his behavior, then he is exemplifying the priesthood to which God has called him.
Third, you are called to pray, constantly and regularly. Make a commitment to pray with your wife every
day. This is power, bringing the power of God into your life. Many men struggle with this because they
keep looking at the past, or their mistakes, and so they feel inadequate. Don’t look at those things, just
be obedient to God and press in. This includes praying with your children at night.
Fourth, disciple your children. If you don’t know how to do this, go to our website where you can go
through our free parenting books and videos. Discipling is a planned practice of meeting and guiding the
children through God’s Word, remembering to keep it on their level of understanding. It means focusing
scripture on areas where you, as their overseer, have detected spiritual problems and/or weaknesses in
them. It means listening to their childish fears and ideas with patience, always treating them with dignity,
understanding it is your task to deliver them from foolishness and protect them from worldly influences.
This is the way that you will prove to them that God has you in their lives to guide them into responsible
adulthood with love. This time will stay with them through periods of rebellion.
Fifth, God says, “…not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together.” (Heb. 10:24-25). This means that
the family is to consistently attend a Bible-believing church, benefitting from all the friends, fellowship,
teaching and activities involved. The church is a part of God’s design for believers, to help us grow in the
knowledge of Christ, serve one another, and equip us to do His will (Eph. 4:12-16). You are the leader in
this, not leaving Sunday morning preparation to your wife and skipping out if you want to watch sports
or participate in some other non-essential activity. Remember, it is our responsibility to lead by example,
by putting God first, before our own selfish desires.
Read this verse and write out what God is saying here.
Hebrews 10:24–25, “And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good
works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but
exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.”
WEEK 7: Day 5 | 331

Sixth, financial stewardship is important to God. Creating a budget is something you should do with your
wife; finances can become a big issue in marriage. A young couple came for counseling and the husband
said that his wife was not submitting to his leadership in the financial area. After a bit of investigation, I
asked them, “Do you have a budget written out?” His wife said, “No, and we come up short every month,
no budget, and now he wants to go back to school. I voiced my concerns, but his response to me was,
‘Have faith, I have faith.’” I said to them, “Your homework is to go write a budget. That includes how you
are providing financial security to your wife and family?” Managing money requires a plan, is not based
on false and reckless ideas about faith.
a leader Provides
Read the following verse and meditate upon it. Think about how this should affect your responsibility as
a husband.
I Timothy 5:8, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his own
household, he has denied his faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
Fact File
Provide: pronoeo (Greek), means “to give careful thought to, take thought for, take into
consideration, have regard for, to think about beforehand in a solicitous manner, to care
for in providing for someone else.” 57
In that definition of “provide”, God has placed a lot of responsibility upon us as husbands. Notice that it
starts with a prepared mind but ends with doing. One commentator says, “Provision for one’s own family
is a spiritual issue of utmost importance. Failure to live out the gospel in this way is tantamount to a
denial of the faith.”58 You need to provide for your family.
There are men who are either lazy or rebellious against God, and are not faithfully serving Him in the
area of providing. There also are men who have made finances and financial goals a first priority, over
their wives and children. I work with wealthy men, and they can be very self-sufficient, self-righteous and
spiritually blind because money gives them a false sense of security and power. Men in the lower or
middleclass income group are sometimes working so hard to rise, have such ambition that their attitude
may be, “Well, I’m too busy, my job is very important and I don’t have the time to commit to the things
concerning my family.” Remember God’s Word sets our priorities. It takes time to love, cherish and
nurture your wife, to raise the children you brought into the world together. If you are spending 70 hours
a week building your own kingdom, pursuing wealth, and unwilling to work at implementing these
57 William Arndt, Frederick W. Danker, and Walter Bauer, A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early
Christian Literature (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2000), 872.
58 Crossway Bibles, The ESV Study Bible (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2008), 2332.
332 | WEEK 7: Day 5

truths, then you are ignoring the responsibility God has given you. All the financial gain can cost you
great pain and loss, as your children walk away from God or you destroy your marriage with neglect.

Read the following scriptures and write out the biblical principles Jesus wants us to apply to our finances.
Matthew 6:24, “No one can serve two masters; for either you will hate the one and love
and
mammon.”
Matthew 6:33, Jesus says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and
all these things will be added unto you.”
God says we have to look to Him for our priorities. We have to trust Him for our jobs, for our direction,
for the opportunities that open up. We have to be faithful in these areas; but providing cannot be at the
expense of our families.
WEEK 7: Day 5 | 333

God Provides What We Need

2 Peter 1:1-4, “Simon Peter, a bondservant and apostle of Jesus Christ, to those who have obtained like
precious faith with us by the righteousness of God and Savior Jesus Christ, grace and peace be multiplied
to you, in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, as His divine power has given to us all things
pertaining to life and godliness through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by
which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises that through these you may be
partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.”
God says He has given us every spiritual gift we need to accomplish His will. Yes, we need to abide and
spend time with Him daily. Yes, we must aspire to be like Him. Yes, we must choose to search His Word,
learn what He expects of us. That is our part, but God promises to fill us with divine power, enabling us
to be godly leaders. Do you want others to see Christ in you, for your marriage to be an example of the
relationship that Christ has with His church? Do you want your children to be so blessed that they
become a blessing to others wherever they go? Do you want your family to truly trust and serve God
because of what He has done in you?
A father is greatly blessed to see his children tested by the world yet conclude that, “Nothing the devil
has to offer comes close to I saw God do within our home.” When children witness the power of God’s
love flowing through their father, and are blessed by his godly leadership in the home, it brings
fulfillment to them. God pours his power and blessing on every single one of us who say, “I want it.”
make you complete in every good work to do His will, working in you what is well-pleasing
in His sight, through Jesus Christ to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen.”
Take all this to the Lord now, praying together as a couple.
Lord Jesus, we thank You for loving us when we were sinners and accepting us when we
prayed to you for salvation. And now we praise You, God, for calling us to such an
awesome and wonderful task – to follow Your plan for our marriage and our home.
Father, make us faithful to lead and follow as You desire it. We know that we cannot do
this on our own, but only by Your grace. Please, Lord, take away any doubts and fears that
may hinder us from obeying the truth. We pray that You would bind the work of the
enemy, reveal his lies and deception, and replace them with godly wisdom and with hope.
It is our desire to glorify You, and accept this special family ministry. Have Your way in
every area of our lives, Lord. We ask for healing, for reconciliation between us as husband
334 | WEEK 7: Day 5

and wife, and also with our children. May our family bring honor and glory to You in every
area, we ask this in Your name, Jesus.
Amen.
FURTHER STUDY
Reason Husbands Fail To lead or Wives Fail to affirm Them

The Bible tells reveals some common reasons that men do not lead as God desires, or women do not
affirm their husbands. The stumbling block or stronghold can be one or more of what is listed below. If
the Lord speaks to you in any of these areas, take time to confess it and ask Him to strengthen you to be
obedient to His will. Write your confessions and prayers in the space provided for each area, if
applicable.
1. UNFORGIveNeSS
Has God brought someone to mind that you need to forgive: parents, spouse or….?
Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also
forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive
your trespasses.”
Forgiveness does not mean:

• That the offender agrees what they did was wrong.
• That the offender asks for your forgiveness.
• That the offender accepts your forgiveness.
• That the relationship has to be or will be restored.
2. DeCePTION
WEEK 7: Day 5 | 335

Satan tempts us to disobey Christ and doubt who we are in Him.
2 Corinthians 10:4-5, “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God
for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts
itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience
of Christ.”
Satan uses these common tactics against us:

• Lies, so we doubt the promises of God – read John 8:44
• Condemnation or accusations, against others or ourselves – read Revelation 12:9,10
• Bringing up our past, obscuring who we are in Christ – read 2Corinthians 5:17-21
3. PeRSeCUTION
Are you ready and willing to accept suffering as part of God’s perfect plan for your life, as you and your
spouse work toward making these changes?
Romans 5:2–5, “…through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we
stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in
tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance,
character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God
has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
1 Peter 2:20-21, “For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it
patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable
before God. For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an
example, that you should follow His steps”
336 | WEEK 7: Day 5

4. SelFISHNeSS
Remember it is not our way, but His. Not our timing, but His. Press on!
1 Corinthians 13:5, “…does not seek its own…”
Luke 9:23, “Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come afer Me, let him deny
himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.”
Luke 14:26, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and
children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.”
Satan desires to derail your focus from the priorities of God, to things not of God; past failures, the
world’s temptations, or your selfish wants.
God Tests Us
WEEK 7: Day 5 | 337

1 Thessalonians 2:4, “But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the
gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts.”
God Refines Us
Malachi 3:3, “He will sit as a refiner and a purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi,
and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer to the LORD an offering in
righteousness.”
God tells us that He tests our hearts and will refine us through purification. This is a process, not a one-
time event. As His testing reveals the sin in you, and your spouse, He desires that you would confess to
Him and commit yourselves to abiding in Him daily, denying your sinful ways and following Him. Our part
is to be in His Word, and to humbly come in prayer, asking for transformation into the image of Christ. As
we walk in obedience, He will do the work so we can glorify Him.
God does not say that we are perfect because we do everything perfectly, but we are perfect when walk
with a heart perfectly fixed on Him.
Psalm 101:2c, “I will walk within my house with a perfect heart.”
A “perfect heart” is a heart firmly directed toward God, and motivated by love to walk in a manner
pleasing to Him in all our ways. In this we glorify Him. Write a prayer, asking the Lord for a “perfect
heart” to walk within your home as He desires.
Read the verses below and answer the following questions.
2 Peter 1:2-11, “Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of
Jesus our Lord, as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and
godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have
lust. But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue
338 | WEEK 7: Day 5

knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance

godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these
things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of
our Lord Jesus Christ.
For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he
was cleansed from his old sins. Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your
call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; for so an entrance
will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ.”
1. Do you believe God has given you exceedingly great and precious promises? List the promises God has
given you. Example: Salvation, all your sins forgiven, etc.
(Here are more verses to help you.)

Psalms 73:23-24, Psalms 91:1-2, Psalms 103:8-18, Proverbs 3:5-6, Matthew 11:28-30,
Romans 8:28-39, 1 Corinthians 10:13, 2 Corinthians 5:17, 2 Corinthians 9:8,
Ephesians 6:10-12, Philippians 4:6-7, Titus 3:4-6, James 1:2-4, 1 Peter 5:6-7.
WEEK 7: Day 5 | 339

2. By His divine nature, we are courageous, victorious, and able to do His will. We can become the leaders,
husbands, and fathers, wives and mothers He has called us to be “I can do all things through Christ who
strengthens me.” (Phil. 4:13). It is not by our power for there is nothing good in us, “I am the vine, you
are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do
nothing.” (John 15:5). It is by His grace alone are we able to do this “So Jesus said to them again, ‘Peace
to you! As the Father has sent Me, I also send you.’” (John 20:21). Use the lines below and explain where
we get our strength, how we appropriate that strength, and the result. If God gives us all that we need,
what does He want us to do with it?
Be patient. Do not be discouraged. Commit yourself daily to being transformed into the image of
Christ, by God’s Word and His Spirit. Take responsibility when you fail. Then stand firmly in His will and
watch what God does in your life.
Appendix A is a “Marriage Discipleship Self-Evaluation Checklist”. You might want to review this every
once in a while to see if you are obedient to the biblical principles given in this book. Plus if things start
getting out of order, go through this Self-Examination on your own, and then as a couple.
340 | WEEK 7: Day 5

Appendix
Appendix A . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 293
Marriage Discipleship Self-Evaluation Checklist
Appendix B . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 295
Committing Your Life To Christ
Appendix C . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 297
How to Develop Intimacy with God Through Daily Devotions
Appendix D . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 299
Recommended Discipleship and Devotional Books
Appendix E - Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 300
Effective Listening Self-Evaluation
Appendix F - Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 305
Improve Your Loving Communication Habits
Appendix G - Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 307
Breaking the Cycle of Unloving Communication
Appendix H . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 312
Husband’s Needs Worksheets
Appendix I - Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 324
Husband Responding Biblically to Opposition
Appendix J . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 326
Specific Ways a Husband May Sanctify His Wife By Scripture
Appendix K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 328
Wife’s Needs Worksheets
Appendix L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 339
Working together on Companionship Needs Guidelines
Appndix M . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 344
Reasons Husbands Fail to Lead or Wives Fail to Affirm Them
Appendix N . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 349
Physical Intimacy in Marriage – Men
Appendix O . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 354
Physical Intimacy in Marriage – Women
Appendix P - Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 362
Trusting God in Your Marriage Means Practicing Forgiveness
Appendix Q . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 381
Glossary
Appendix A
Marriage Discipleship Self-

Evaluation Checklist
(Review Every Once in a While After Completing Book)
After learning God’s plan for your marriage, you will still experience difficulties. You may find yourself
wondering if His plan is really working, or experience frustration because your spouse is not cooperating.
If this happens, don’t panic or look to the world’s methods! Don’t fall back on old habits! Instead, use
the following evaluation checklist to discern the true source of the problem.
Your Spiritual Foundation

• How is your devotional life? Read Psalm 1:1-3. Would you use words like worshiping, listening,
thanking, confessing, interceding, etc. to describe your daily communication with God?
• Do you read and meditate upon God’s Word in a daily quiet time?
• Are you trusting God with your finances and giving tithes regularly?
• Are your priorities in accordance with God’s desires for you and your family? Is the fruit of the
Spirit evident in your life (Gal. 5:22, 23)?
Remember: You must depend upon The Lord! The key is not in your methods, but in a relationship with
God!
Communicating In love
• Take the “Effective Listening Self-Evaluation,” see Appendix E.
• Have you been reacting to your spouse in the flesh, or responding to them in love?
• Take some time and review What Love Is Not, which is found in Week 3: Day 2 through
Day 5. Are there areas where you need to improve in your communication, or apologize
to your spouse?
• Have you been using the “Breaking the Cycle of Unloving Communication?” See
Appendix G.
Remember: Your communication with and toward your spouse reflects the value you have placed upon
him/her.
appEnDix a | 293
Meeting the Companionship Needs of Your Spouse

• The best way to lead or submit is by personal example. How are you doing?
• Are you and your spouse working together and supporting one another? How is your
management style?
• Do you need further discipleship in parenting, financial management or another area?
• Are you praying regularly for and with your spouse? Have you followed through with your
commitment to have a weekly family Bible study in your home?
Remember: God loves you and He loves your spouse. You must trust Him. He has not given you a task
beyond your ability as you trust in Him and obey His will.
Has God revealed areas in your family relationships where you have drifted? If so, follow the steps
outlined below to get your home back on course.
1. Confess to God, acknowledging your weaknesses, mistakes or failures.

2. Receive God’s forgiveness. Allow Him to embrace you in His arms of love and grace.
3. Repent by turning away from your error and commit to walk in obedience to His will.
4. Ask for forgiveness from your spouse, if necessary.
5. Be willing to forgive your spouse, just as God in Christ has forgiven you.
294 | appEnDix a
Appendix B
Committing Your Life To Christ
Perhaps you have struggled in some areas of marriage and now realize it is the result of a weak or
inconsistent spiritual life. God promises to bless, encourage and strengthen us as we submit to His
lordship.
Psalm 29:11 “The LORD will give strength to His people; the LORD will bless His people
with peace.”
Write a prayer to the Lord; commit to putting Him first in your life, and ask for help to fulfill the role He
has given you in your marriage.
Perhaps you have never surrendered your life to Christ. Know that God loves you, and has provided the
way for you to have a relationship with Him. You must simply…
1. Recognize and admit that you are a sinner.
Romans 3:23, “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 6:23, “For the wages of sin is death, but the gif of God is eternal life in Christ
Jesus our Lord.”
2. Believe that Jesus died on the cross for your sins, that He is the only way for sinners to be
forgiven and reconciled to God.
John 14:6, “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to
the Father except through Me.”
appEnDix B | 295
Acts 4:12, “Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given
among men by which we must be saved.”
3. Confess your sins to Jesus and repent (be sorry), asking Him to forgive you.
Acts 3:19, “Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that
times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord.”
Romans 10:9, “If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that
God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”
4. Ask Jesus to come into your heart and receive Him as your Savior and Lord.
John 1:12, “But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of
God, to those who believe in His name.”
Repeat the following prayer:
“Lord Jesus, I admit that I am a sinner. I am sorry for my sin. Thank you for dying on the cross for
me and paying the price for my sin. Please come into my heart. Fill me with your Holy Spirit and
help me to be your disciple. Thank you for forgiving me and coming into my life.
Thank you that I am now a child of God and will one day follow You to heaven.” Amen
296 | appEnDix B
Appendix C
How to Develop Intimacy with God

Through Daily Devotions
• Intimacy – Marked by very close association, contact, or friendship developing through long
association; very familiar; suggesting informal warmth or privacy; of a very personal nature.
1. Choose the best time of day (morning or evening) and commit to a daily devotional with God.
Don’t set yourself up for discouragement with a goal that you will not be able to keep. Start
small, and then add time as you grow. Begin with 15 minutes.
2. Choose a book of the Bible. Read one chapter (or less if it is a long chapter), or verses that you
want to ponder. In addition, you may also want to read from a daily devotional book.
See suggestions listed below.
3. Pray specifically over the truths you have just read. Ask God to speak to you about how you can
obey; what you should do, or what you should change in your life.
4. Spend a few minutes in silence, just listening. This may be uncomfortable at first, as we live in a
world filled with noise and are not accustomed to sitting quietly. Persevere and God will be
faithful to speak to you. Remember that the Holy Spirit is dwelling in your heart and mind and
can minister to you in your thoughts! 5. Keep a Journal; write out what these verses mean to
you.
Journal – A record of experiences, ideas, or reflections kept regularly for private use.
6. Be intentional about your prayers; this guide can help you pray effectively:
appEnDix C | 297
Adoration – Worship and praise God
Confession – Confess and repent of any known sins
Thanksgiving – Expressing gratitude for God’s blessings in your life
Supplication – Humbly make requests for your needs and the needs of others
7. Pray that God will help you to know and acknowledge His presence throughout your day.
Suggested Devotionals
Biblical Principles for a Strong Foundation, by Craig Caster
Daily Experience with God, by Andrew Murray
Drawing Near: Daily Readings for a Deeper Faith, by John F. MacArthur
Every Day with Jesus: First Steps with New Believers, by Greg Laurie
Experiencing God, by Henry T. Blackaby and Claude V. King
Meet the Bible: A Panorama of God’s Word…, by Philip Yancey and Brenda Quinn
My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers
On the Other Side of the Garden, by Virginia Ruth Fugate (married women)
Streams in the Desert, by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman
The One Year Book of Psalms, by William J. Peterson and Randy Petersen
The Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartian (married women)

298 | appEnDix C
Appendix D
Recommended Discipleship
and Devotional Books
Discipleship books
Strong Foundation Discipleship Workbook, Family Support Foundation
Meet the Bible, by Philip Yancey and Brenda Quinn (ISBN #0-310-22776-3)
Every Day with Jesus, by Greg Laurie (ISBN #1-56507-309-6)
Self-Confrontation, by John C. Broger (ISBN #1-878114-01-8)
Experiencing God, by Henry Blackaby (ISBN #0-8054-9954-7)
Drawing Near, by John F. MacArthur (ISBN #0-891-07758-8)
My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers (ISBN #0-916441-42-3)
The One Year Book of Psalms, by William J. Petersen and Randy Petersen (ISBN #0-8423-4372-5)
Streams in the Desert, by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman (ISBN #0-310-23011-X)
Devotional books for Couples

Moments Together for Couples, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey (ISBN #0830717544)
The Love Dare Day by Day: A Year of Devotions for Couples, by Stephen and Alex Kendrick (ISBN
#1433681374)
appEnDix D | 299
Appendix E - Worksheet Effective Listening
Self-Evaluation
Complete the Loving Communication Self-Evaluation to help you become more aware of your listening
habits. Answer each question thoughtfully and honestly, then discuss as a couple.
This homework should be completed each time there is unloving communication between a husband
and wife, until the understanding is complete and the practice of forgiveness and reconciliation becomes
a regular part of the relationship.

Most of Almost
the Time Never
…tune-out your spouse when you don’t agree
1
with him/her or don’t want to hear?
…concentrate on what is being said even if you
2
are not really interested?
…assume you know what your spouse is going to
3
say and stop listening?
…repeat in your own words what your spouse has
4
just said?
…listen to your spouse’s viewpoint, even if it
5
differs from yours?
…remain open to learning something from them,
6
even if it seems insignificant?
…find out what words mean when they are used
7
in ways not familiar to you?
…form a rebuttal in your head while your spouse
8
is still talking?
…give the appearance of listening when you are
9
not?
aPPeNDIx e - WORKSHeeT : eFFeCTIve lISTeNING SelF-evalUaTION
353 | Appendix e - Worksheet
Most of Almost
the Time Never
10 …daydream when your spouse is talking?
11 …listen for main ideas, not just facts?
…recognize that words don’t always mean the

12
same thing to different people?
…listen to only what you want to hear, blotting
13
out your spouse’s whole message?
14 …look at your spouse when he/she is speaking?
…concentrate on your spouse’s meaning rather

15
than how he/she looks?
…know which words and phrases you tend to
16
respond to defensively or resentfully?
…think about what you want to accomplish with
17
your communication?
18 …plan the best time to say what you want to say?
…think about how your spouse might react to

19
what you say?
…consider the best way to communicate (written,
20
spoken, and/or the timing)?
…always care about your spouse’s emotional

condition when speaking to him/her (if he/she is
21
stressed, sad, worried, hostile, disinterested,
rushed, angry, etc.)?
…adjust your communication to your spouse’s

22
personality?
…assume that your spouse knows and

23 understands what you are communicating or
have communicated to him/her?
…allow your spouse to respectfully vent negative

24
feelings toward you without becoming defensive?
…regularly make efforts to increase your listening
25
efficiency?
Appendix e - Worksheet | 301

Most of Almost
the Time Never
…take notes when necessary to help you
26
remember?
…listen closely without being distracted by
27
surroundings and/or children?
…listen to your spouse without judging or
28
criticizing?
…restate instructions and messages to be sure
29
you understand correctly?
…listen to your spouse with preconceived
30
assumptions or attitudes?
…take responsibility for your part in the unloving
31 communication by asking the Lord and your
spouse to forgive you?
…discuss with your children any difficulties you
32
are having with your spouse?
Note: Make sure you complete all pages of this self-evaluation.
aPPeNDIx e - WORKSHeeT : eFFeCTIve lISTeNING SelF-evalUaTION
Effective Listening Self-Evaluation Scoring Index

Circle the number that represents the category you checked on each item of the
Effective Listening Self-Evaluation.
# Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never
1 1 2 3 4
2 4 3 2 1
3 1 2 3 4
4 4 3 2 1
5 4 3 2 1
6 4 3 2 1
7 4 3 2 1
8 1 2 3 4
9 1 2 3 4
10 1 2 3 4
11 4 3 2 1
12 4 3 2 1
13 1 2 3 4
14 4 3 2 1
15 4 3 2 1
16 4 3 2 1
17 4 3 2 1
18 4 3 2 1
19 4 3 2 1
20 4 3 2 1
21 4 3 2 1
22 4 3 2 1
23 1 2 3 4
24 4 3 2 1
25 4 3 2 1
26 4 3 2 1
27 4 3 2 1
28 4 3 2 1
29 4 3 2 1
30 1 2 3 4
31 4 3 2 1
32 1 2 3 4
Total
GRAND TOTAL ____________
(Examine your scores on the next page.)
Appendix e - Worksheet | 303
110-120: Excellent Listener __________
99-109: Above Average Listener __________
88-98: Average Listener __________
77-87: Fair Listener __________
<77: Poor to Very Poor Listener __________
We have also included a companion worksheet, Improve Your Loving Communication Habits in the
Appendences for your edification. This s hould be used along with the self-evaluation worksheet when
you see unloving communication being exhibited.
Remember: a true disciple of Christ is not simply trying to acquire intellectual knowledge; a true
disciple invests himself/herself to learn and to live according to the principles God teaches in his Word.
Your investment in learning and living according to the principles God reveals to you through this
material will transform your life as God desires.
Improve Your
Appendix F - Worksheet
Loving Communication Habits

(Do individually, then review and discuss as a couple)
After completing the Effective Listening Self-Evaluation and totaling your score, list by priority the areas
you need to change.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Now review What Love Is and Is Not from Week 3: Day 2 – Day 5 of your workbook and list by priority
any unbiblical communication habits you have been practicing in your home. Pray for God’s grace and
strength to change these.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
If you believe that you have not been demonstrating loving communication to your children (or a particular child),
I strongly recommend that you follow the steps below to reconciliation.
Appendix F - Worksheet | 305

1. Confess this to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you for not communicating love to His
child/children.
2. Ask God to fill your heart with renewed love for your child/children.
Romans 5:5, “Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been
3. Go to your child/children and make an age-appropriate confession. For example, “I love you,
but I know that I have not been showing you that love with my words. I have been very
impatient (unkind, etc.) and I need to apologize. Please forgive me. I love you and I am so glad
to be your mom/dad.”
4. Pray with your child.
Write out a prayer of commitment to seek the Lord for His power to change these areas and become the
parent that God desires.
Appendix G - Worksheet | 359

Appendix F - Worksheet
Breaking the Cycle

Appendix G - Worksheet
of Unloving Communication
Step One: Each night, spend some time alone with the Lord. Ask Him to soften your heart and speak to
you about what could have done differently during discussions, arguments or situations with your
spouse on this day. Write your findings in the space provided.
2 Corinthians 13:5, “Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test
yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you
are disqualified.”
Ask the Lord: Was there something I could have said or done that would have glorified God and/or
stopped a situation from turning into an argument?
Step Two: Read the following verses and ask the Lord to reveal areas needing improvement.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, “Love suffers long (patient) and is kind; love does not envy; love
does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is
not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears
all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...”
1: Were you impatient? Suffering long means you exercised the fruit of the Spirit.
Galatians 5:22, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness,…”
Did your flesh rise up seeking justice for a perceived wrong, or battling to get your own way? Explain:
360 |
2: Were you unkind? The opposite of kindness is unkindness.
Romans 12:10, “Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving
preference to one another.”
Did you provoke your spouse? Did you get angry, raise your voice, or say hurtful / mean things? Did you
judge, ignore or are you resentful toward your spouse? Explain:
3: Was jealousy a motive behind the reaction toward your spouse?
Romans 13:13-14, “Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness,
not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus
Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts.” (NASB)
Explain:

4: Were you haughty or arrogant? Did you belittle your spouse or make them feel unimportant?
1 Peter 5:5, “Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of
you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for “God resists the
proud, but gives grace to the humble.”
aPPeNDIx G - WORKSHeeT: bReaKING THe CYCle OF UNlOvING COMMUNICaTION
Explain:
5: Were you rude or did you act unbecoming?
Did you embarrass your spouse or say something bad about them in front of someone else? Were you
rude, did you do something they have asked you not to do? Explain:
362 |
6: Were you only thinking of yourself and not considering your spouse’s viewpoint? Did you defensively
justify your position and/or excuse your actions?
Explain:
7: Were you harboring bad thoughts toward your spouse for minutes, hours, or days before this situation
occurred? God has told us not to harbor bad thoughts, but to forgive.
2 Corinthians 10:5, “…casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself
Christ.”

You need to take responsibility for letting your mind be consumed with bad or evil thoughts toward your
spouse. If God knows us, sees our past, present and future sins, yet His thoughts toward us are only good
– Psalm 139:17-18 – then how can we justify evil thoughts toward our spouses? If this is your problem,
what thoughts and attitudes should you forsake, confess and leave with the Lord? Identify specific areas
or origins causing your bitterness or resentment.
Explain in writing, then add a prayer asking God to change your heart:
8: Have you been allowing discouragement and hopelessness toward your marriage to overwhelm you?
Romans 5:5, “Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured
out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD,
thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Have you doubted God and His almighty power to intercede for you? “Love hopes all things,” not doubts
all things. If you doubt God, focusing on past or present problems and not on the loving all-powerful
God, you will become discouraged and act this out with your spouse. In what ways have you been
doubting God regarding your marriage?
Explain. Now confess to doubting God’s power and goodness to you, and write a prayer asking for help to
trust Him with your marriage.
364 |
aPPeNDIx G - WORKSHeeT: bReaKING THe CYCle OF UNlOvING COMMUNICaTION
Step Three: Pray and ask for God’s forgiveness.
Step Four: Pray now and ask God for humility and strength, and to provide the best time to sit down with
your spouse, admit your faults, and ask for forgiveness. Pray together, asking God for His strength to
break the ungodly and sinful habits that have been practiced over time.
Remember: Understanding how to meet each other’s companionship needs as husband and wife takes
time and loving communication. It also takes a willing heart that desires to learn and change.
Q: Do you agree?  Yes  No
Q: Are you finished learning?  Yes  No
Write out your prayer to change, and your commitment to pray for God’s grace each day to break these
bad habits.

366 |
Appendix H Husband’s Needs
Worksheets
The following two worksheets are essential to applying what you have learned. It is vitally important to
complete them and follow up by reviewing the material with your wife. If couples are to succeed in
building a healthy marriage, they must learn to meet each other’s companionship needs. Please read the
instructions below; worksheets follow.
1. Worksheet #1 - Husband, do you feel affirmed by your wife?

This worksheet will help husbands identify specific, God-given companionship needs,
and provide guidance for wives. By private and prayerful assessment, a man can reveal
his perspective about each area of the relationship, and show his wife how to better
meet his needs. Completing this worksheet can lead to new or renewed understanding
of why a husband may not be enjoying intimacy and/or companionship with his wife.
Often, when a man is not affirmed in some area, his flesh and/or the enemy brings
confusion and he seeks consolation elsewhere. Many men, due to this problem, are not
investing themselves thoroughly in the marital relationship, and in the family. This may
result in failure to provide the wife’s companionship needs, which we will study in the
next lesson. This can become a destructive, downward spiral if not met with trust and
confidence in the Word and power of God.
[Read the instructions and example at the bottom of Worksheet #1, to learn how to incorporate
it with Worksheet #2.]
2. Worksheet #2 - Specific, practical, non-judgmental suggestions for your wife. The purpose
of Worksheet #2 is for the husband to prayerfully write out practical, nonjudgmental
suggestions his wife can follow to improve her affirmation of him in specific areas. It is
important not to overwhelm a wife initially by working on every area that is not perfect.
Instead, give 1 or 2 suggestions for each area where she is graded with 4 or less. Some men
may have difficulty completing this worksheet. We exhort you not to abandon the activity,
but ask God to influence your suggestions. Be specific, not general. Make
367 | Appendix h
the suggestions practical so implementation is possible, and non-judgmental, so not to

discourage your wife. Seek additional help from a church leader, an assigned marriage
mentor, or your pastor, if necessary.
Further Suggestions
Men, after you complete the two worksheets and you are ready to discuss this with your wife, make sure
she has a note pad to write out, in her own words, responses to your specific, practical, non-judgmental
suggestions.
• Find a private place and good time for the two of you to discuss 1 to 2 suggestions
from Worksheet #2 for each category from Worksheet #1 where the rating was 4 or
lower. Remember, you are to communicate about these areas in ways that glorify
Christ. Seek help from a church leader, marriage mentor or your pastor if things
become difficult, but do not abandon this exercise.
• We suggest that couples begin this discussion in prayer, asking God for grace and
gentleness in communication, a receptive heart-attitude for wives, and protection
for both from the enemy and his attempts to discourage obedience.
• Resist any temptation to be defensive or angry. Wives, repeat to your husband what
you hear him saying before doing any writing. Be specific in your responses to his
suggestions for increasing your ability to affirm him.
Remember:

• Your faithfulness in completing all of the homework is the beginning of a truly
wonderful relationship with your spouse in Christ.
• Our transformation takes place only as we abide in Him. This means our daily
devotions and our obedience to His word, including confession and repentance of
our mistakes, are critical to this process.
Also remember to practice loving communication, and biblical forgiveness and reconciliation, the tools
God uses to break up the hardened soil of our hearts so His Word and grace can have the impact He
desires. God can give us the victory if we will come to Him, hear Him, and do what He says.
368 | Appendix h
aPPeNDIx H: HUSbaND’S NeeDS WORKSHeeTS
WORKSHeeT #1: Self examination

Husband: For the list below, use a scale from 0 to 5 (0 being not at all; 5 being very affirming) and rate
how you feel your wife is affirming you. This is not a time to be vindictive, but to begin to bring clarity,
healing and change in these areas. See “Trusting God in Your Marriage Means Practicing Forgiveness,”
Appendix P, if needed. Do not share this with your wife yet. Read the instructions at the bottom of this
page after you have prayerfully completed the worksheet.
Husbands, do you feel affirmed by your wife in these areas?

Spiritual
• Discussing Personal Devotion ____ • Accepting your leadership ____
Communication
• Caring about the day’s events at the office or job ____
• Able to share honestly how you feel about all subjects ____
• Discussing finances ____
• Always speaks with a loving, affirming tone ____
• Makes herself available each day to talk ____
• Feel safe to share deepest needs or emotions with her ____
• Feel free to laugh and/or cry with her ____
• Always speaks honorably to you ____
• Always speaks honorably about you to others ____

• Tells you she loves you often ____
• Regular sexual relations ____
• Able to share openly your desires for physical fulfillment ____
Non-sexual touching
• Cuddling ____
• Holding hands ____
• Hugging ____
• Massaging ____
• Kissing ____
Appendix h | 369
Parenting
• Willing to trust your decisions in discipline ____
• Supports you when disciplining children ____
• Supports rules that have been set by you ____
• Always speaks honorably about you in front of children ____
After you have completed this worksheet, do not discuss it with your wife. Instead, use Worksheet #2
to write some specific, non-judgmental, practical suggestions for ways your wife can improve in affirming
you for the areas you marked with 4 or less. For example: if you gave your wife less than a mark of 5 for
regular sexual relations, your suggestion might be for your wife to have a more cooperative attitude
throughout the week, to initiate sex a few times per month, or to engage in intimacy 2 + times per week
minimum.

Specific, Practical, Non-judgmental Suggestions for Your Wife
Remember, the purpose of this exercise is to prepare you to lovingly communicate to your wife, without
attacking or condemning, giving specific, practical suggestions on how to improve at meeting your
companionship needs. Your wife’s perspective of your unique needs may be very different from yours, or
God’s. It is very important that your suggestions are as complete as possible, using specific explanation
and positive encouragement, but also as brief as possible. Consider how your suggestions might sound if
someone else was giving them to you. Do not compromise, but be gentle and considerate of your wife.
Spiritual
370 | Appendix h
Communication
Appendix h | 371
Non-sexual touching
Parenting
372 | Appendix h
these areas.
Spiritual
Husband rated wife with a 2 for “accepting your leadership.”
• How can we work together in helping you accept my leadership when addressing
spiritual matters with the children? Will you commit to letting me address the issues
with kids before you say something and then when we are alone we can discuss the
situation so I can hear your input and any suggestions for how I handled it.
Wife received a 1 for “praying together with children”.

• Would you pray with the children and me each day in the morning, or before we go to
bed? I would like us to work together as a team in encouraging our children how
important prayer is.
Communication
Husband gave her a 2 for “Discussing finances”.
• I know that discussing finances is not an easy subject for us, how can we communicate
about that? Maybe we can plan a time to get away for a few hours, where we will not
be interrupted. That way we can pray and discuss it more thoroughly. And commit to
have an expense budget written out by the end of the month.
Wife received a 1 for “always speaks honorably to you.”

• I know that I have not been the best example as we have been learning. I really need
your affirmation; it will really help me in working on the needed changes. Can we agree
that when we say or do something that is un-affirming or hurtful, if the other person
brings it to our attention, we will be open to hear and learn from each other what we
can say or do differently? Also, can we set some time aside to discuss how we
communicate to each other and start practicing asking forgiveness where we offended
each other? Lets work together to bring changes.

Wife received a 2 for “regular sexual relations.”
• I would like us to come to some agreement as to how often we would have sexual
relations each week. I really need your support and affirmation in this area.
Appendix h | 373
Wife received a 2 for “able to share openly your desires for physical fulfillment”.
set some time aside on the weekend to discuss this. (We are going to cover this
thoroughly in future lessons, complete with tools and questions to help facilitate this
process.)
Non-sexual touching
• I would like it if we could just sit together, cuddle, hold hands when we are walking and show
more outward affection to each other.
Wife received a 2 for “Kissing”.

• It would also be nice if you could kiss me when I come home or when you are leaving
whenever possible. This really helps me feel affirmed.
Parenting
Wife received a 2 for “Willing to trust your decision in discipline of the children”.
• Could you please follow my leadership in the disciplining of the children? I need your
support and affirmation when disciplining the children, and it would be very reassuring
to the kids and me if you did this.
Husband gave a 1 for “supports rules that have been set by you.”
• Could you please support and follow the rules that have been set by us? If you do not
agree with a rule after we have discussed it, lets talk it through. When you support me
in this, you are affirming my leadership and it helps me to be a better father.
Husband felt wife deserved a 2 for “always speaks honorably about you in front of the children”.
• Sometimes you speak negatively about or toward me in front of the kids. Do you think
we can go into our bedroom and discuss those things that I seem to be doing wrong,
and not in front of the children?

374 | Appendix h
So the Bible says that God is allowing our faith to be tested by trials. It also tells us that God is our
Father, if we are in Christ, and that He never condemns us but that he disciplines us for our good. We
must view difficulties as God-ordained opportunities to seek instruction, grow in the image of Christ,
learn more about our spouse’s needs, and become the husband or wife that God intends. The word
discipline simply means to train.
Appendix h | 375

Apply the response:

Examples:
376 | Appendix h
to me.
how to meet them.

preference. Can personal preferences be wrong? Yes! If ones personal preference is contrary to the
you.”
Appendix h | 377
a wife or husband may choose a friend that is inappropriate, or is dragging them into sinful activities;
one partner may desire sexually explicit films; or a man may desire sex weekly and his wife denies him
and sticks to her once a month preference; a mother may insist on taking the lead in child discipline and
not receive her husbands input. When a conflict or situations arises like these, a married couple needs to

Self-examination: When you feel pain that you believe was caused by your spouse, take a moment and
examine your own heart. Ask yourself: is this truly a failure to meet my companionship need, or do I just
want my own way? (Use our information on companionship needs for men and women as your
selfexamination guide.)
Identification: be able to communicate exactly what was said or done by your spouse that was un-loving,
un-affirming, or not cherishing or nurturing.
378 | Appendix h
Communication: pick a good time to lovingly bring the offense to your spouse’s attention, then conclude
by telling them “I do not feel affirmed when you…” (men), or “I do not feel cherished when you…”
(women). Be completely open at this point, for communication and clarification, not denial or debate.
Clarification: propose a clear action plan so that your spouse knows what hurts you, and what they can
do differently to meet your companionship need in this particular area, or situation.
Forgivess: Showing grace and forgiveness toward one another in these learning opportunities is so
important. It is our sin nature and the devil’s desire that we focus on the other person’s sin, not our own,
and justify an agitated, harsh or sinful response to them when they blow it. Remember, two sins never
make anything right.
Appendix h | 379
Husband
Appendix I - Worksheet
Responding Biblically to
Opposition
Husband, when you need to present a difficult issue to your wife, first review these instructions so you can
handle any opposition in a biblical way.
In 2 Timothy 2:24-26, God tells us what we need to do:
2 Timothy 2:24-26, “And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel, but be gentle to all, able to
teach, patient in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant
them repentance so that they may know the truth and that they may come to their senses
and escape the snares of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.”
Six points for success, from the scripture in Timothy.
1. Number one is “must not quarrel”. Do not argue or become defensive! What bad habits
have you developed? Pointing out your wife’s weaknesses and elaborating on your
strengths, or calling her crazy, will never work. You know, it takes two people to argue, but
only one to stop it.
2. Next is to “be gentle”, which means not harsh, mean, insulting, etc. And this also includes
body language and noises such as snorting, blowing and sighing.
3. The third point is, “able to teach”. Women are more emotional, and an effort to bring
clarity through logic and fact can be helpful. Calmly defining what you think is the
situation, restating what you believe she is saying, and asking questions can diffuse anger.
Which leads us to being, “patient in humility”.
380 |
4. The quality of “patience,” remember men, is one of the attributes of love. When my wife
and I started learning and applying this material, there were things she was doing, or not
doing, that really irritated me. I would literally tell God, “Oh, I can’t take it anymore. You
Appendix i - Worksheet
aPPeNDIx I - WORKSHeeT: HUSbaND ReSPONDING bIblICallY TO OPPOSITION
don’t understand the wife that I got.” Feel like this sometimes? Go read the book of Job in
the Old Testament; your situation is better. Reading behind the lines, you can see that Job
and his wife did not have a good relationship. And added to that, consider all the trials that
came upon Job; obviously his wife was not on his side. Compare your trial, what you are
going through and, believe me, Job wins. And we read about former saints, our brothers in
the Lord, and hear what they went through for Christ, to do God’s will. This is patience,
which means we are called to endure with a good attitude.
5. The fifth aspect of character that we are to demonstrate when opposition comes is
“humility”, from the phrase “patient in humility, correcting those who are in opposition“.
Having a humble heart means that you do not see yourself as better or more important
than your wife, but totally equal in the sight of God. If you intend to address your wife
about her behavior, it must be done from a position of equality, not superiority.
Remember, you are not perfect as she is not perfect. Only God is perfect, and He only is
qualified to be a judge.
6. And this leads to “correcting,” which must be done as described, but is not to be avoided.
Be straightforward; never act pitiful, which is most unattractive to a woman. What that
means is not retreating, not becoming pitiful. Being pitiful is acting with self-pity, being
the victim, and it is weakness and it is sin. This attitude is the opposite of Godly
leadership.
This will be addressed in Week 7. b

Self-Examination
When addressing problems, or perceived wrongs, consider each of the points just mentioned. Read
through the list and ask God to reveal areas needing change, and write them down below. Where you have
failed, ask forgiveness from God, then your spouse. Take the items and make them a matter of prayer, daily
bringing them before the Lord until they are worked out in your life.
For further help, see “Breaking the Cycle of Unloving Communication” Appendix G.
Appendix i - Worksheet | 325
Appendix J Specific Ways a Husband May

Sanctify His Wife By Scripture
• Be sure that your wife has enough time in her daily schedule for personal Bible study and
prayer. This may involve getting up earlier or rearranging your schedule so that you can watch
the children during this time.
• Spend time with her regularly (at least once a week) in Bible study.
• Encourage her to ask you for help in answering any questions she may have about Bible
doctrine or application.
• Make and explain your decisions on the basis of Scripture.

• Commend her for any and all biblical character traits, which she possesses (reverence, self-
control, discretion, love, joy, peace, etc.).
• Make every effort to provide her with valid scriptural reasons when you can’t give her what
she wants (explain those reasons to her).
• Be alert to even the smallest indications of spiritual growth and maturity in her and praise her
for them.
• Be faithful in your church attendance as a couple and family.
• Encourage other opportunities she may have to study the Scriptures (individually or with
others).
326 | appEnDix J
aPPeNDIx J: SPeCIFIC WaYS a HUSbaND MaY SaNCTIFY HIS WIFe bY SCRIPTURe
• Learn how to relate the Scriptures to life and life to the Scriptures. Talk of them in the milieu
of everyday activities (cf. Deut. 6:7).
• If your wife enjoys reading, invest in biblically sound books (and Christian biographies).
• Make the dinner hour an enjoyable time and be open and free to discuss Biblical truth and
personal applications of Scripture.
• Determine which areas in her life she desires to change most and why she desires to change
them. Use these areas as springboards to search the Scriptures together for God’s answers.
(Be sure you also tell your wife the changes you’d like to see in your own life and seek her
assistance and prayers).
• Make time each week to disciple your children. See Appendix D for recommended
devotional and discipleship books.
If you want to fulfill your wife’s companionship need in this area, invest your time and effort in becoming a
true disciple of Christ. It is not uncommon for the wife to be the one working and worrying about getting
to church, or being in a Bible study, or tending to the spiritual condition of the children. These also should
be your first priorities as leader of the home.
appEnDix J | 327
Appendix K Wife’s Needs Worksheets
Then following two worksheets are designed to help you apply what you have learned. It is essential that
you complete them and then follow through by reviewing the information with your spouse. By doing this,
both of you will be learning how to meet each other’s companionship needs. Please read the instructions
below; worksheets follow.
1. Worksheet #1: Wives, do you feel secure and fulfilled?

This worksheet reveals the God-given companionship needs that God has put within a
wife, and helps provide direction for meeting them. By privately and prayerfully assessing
her husband’s success at providing these needs in each of the prescribed areas, she is
able to provide him with an evaluation from her perspective. This process will reveal why
and where there are areas of struggle in the marriage, and show a husband how to
improve at meeting his wife’s needs. This will also provide the wife with a new or
renewed understanding as to why she may be experiencing difficulty pursuing intimacy
and companionship with her husband. When a wife is not receiving enough love and
security, she is vulnerable to temptations of the flesh, or Satan, which can lead to
satisfying these needs with other people and activities, and neglecting her husband. This
results in failure to provide the affirmation he needs by placing him in a lower priority
than children, career or outside activities. Destruction and damage to the marriage will
follow if this downward spiral is not turned around by placing trust and confidence in the
Word and power of God.
Read the instructions and example at the bottom of Worksheet #1 to learn how to incorporate
this with Worksheet #2.
2. Worksheet #2: Specific, practical, non-judgmental suggestions for your husband. Prayerfully
write out practical, non-judgmental suggestions for your husband on how to meet your
companionship needs. Provide one or two ideas for improvement wherever you graded him
at four or less. Ask for God’s help to define your need and to make your requests reasonable.
This will be difficult; we exhort you women not to abandon the activity,
385 | appEnDix K
but to pray. Tell your husband what you need, then make specific, practical suggestions so
implementation is possible. Be non-judgmental to avoid discouraging him. If necessary,
seek additional help from a church leader, an assigned marriage mentor, or your pastor.
Follow-Up Activities
After a wife completes the two worksheets, she is ready to meet and discuss the outcome with her
husband. Men, listen lovingly and patiently, but you must also use a pad to write in your own words her
specific, practical suggestions as a guide for change.
• Find a private place and time to discuss results. A wife must have the opportunity to
carefully and comfortably present at least two suggestions for each area from
worksheets one and two where she rated her husband at four or less. Remember,
communicate in a way that glorifies Christ. Seek help from a church leader, marriage
mentor, or your pastor if things become difficult, but do not abandon this exercise.
• We suggest that every couple begin this discussion in prayer, asking God for grace and
gentleness in communication, a receptive heart, and protection from the attacks of
the enemy and his attempts to discourage obedience to Christ.
• We encourage every married couple to resist the temptation to become defensive.
Husbands, first repeat back what you hear your wife say, before writing out your
practical response. In this way, you eliminate misunderstanding, and show her that
you respect her feelings and needs. Be specific when writing and implementing your
plan for change.
Remember:

• Faithful completion of all the homework is the beginning of a truly wonderful
relationship with your spouse.
• Our transformation happens only as we abide in Christ. Our daily devotions and
obedience to His word, including confession and repentance of our mistakes, are
critical to this process.
Remember, practicing loving communication and biblical forgiveness and reconciliation are the tools God
uses to break up the hardened soil of your heart, and your spouse’s heart, so His Word and grace can have
the impact He desires. God will have victory if we come to Him, hear Him, and yield to His instructions.
386 | appEnDix K
WORKSHeeT #1: examination and evaluation
Wife: for the list below, use a scale of 0 to 5 (0 being not at all; 5 being fulfilled) and rate how you feel
fulfilled by your husband in these areas. This is not a time to be vindictive but to begin to bring clarity and
healing to these areas. See “Trusting God in your Marriage Means Practicing Forgiveness,” Appendix P, if
needed. Do not share this with your husband yet. Read the instructions at the bottom of this page after
you have prayerfully completed this worksheet.
Wives, do you feel affirmed by your husband in these areas?

Spiritual
• Going to church ____ • Praying together ____
• Praying with children ____ • Bible study with children ____
• Discussing personal devotion ____ • Providing godly leadership ____
Communication
• Caring about your day’s events ____
• Able to share honestly how you feel about all subjects ____
• Discussing finances ____
• Always speaks with love and gentleness ____
• Makes himself available each day to talk ____
• Feel safe to share deepest needs or emotions with him ____
• Feel free to laugh and/or cry with him ____
• Always speaks lovingly to you ____
• Always speaks honorably about you to others ____

• Tells you he loves you often ____
• Regular sexual relations ____
• Able to share openly your desires for physical fulfillment ____
Non-sexual touching
• Cuddling ____
• Holding hands ____
• Hugging ____
• Massaging ____
• Kissing ____
appEnDix K | 387
Parenting
• Willing to lead in the discipline of the children ____
• Does not allow the children to disrespect you ____
• Cares about and participates in the children’s interests ____
• Always speaks honorably about you in front of children ____
• Willing to show proper affection to the children ____
After you have completed this worksheet, do not discuss it with your husband. Instead, on Worksheet
#2, write out some specific, non-judgmental, practical suggestions for your husband, things you want
him to do, or not do, in each area where you rated him at four or lower. For example: if you gave your
husband one of the lower marks for discussing finances, your suggestion might be for your him to be
willing to calmly discuss an income and expense budget together, and commit to a joint monthly review.

Wives, this is the time to develop specific, non-judgmental suggestions. Remember, the result of this
exercise is a prepared, reasonable foundation for loving communication, without an attitude of hostility
or condemnation, complete with practical guidelines. Remember, the needs of men and women are
different as part of God’s design; men and women see life from a very different perspective, so we must
make our needs known to our spouses. It is very important that suggestions are complete, including
specific explanation and positive encouragement, but also as brief as possible. Consider how your
suggestions might sound if someone was giving them to you. Don’t compromise, but be gentle and
considerate of each other during discussion.
Spiritual
388 | appEnDix K
aPPeNDIx K: WIFe’S NeeDS WORKSHeeTS
Communication
appEnDix K | 389
Non-sexual touching
Parenting
these areas.
390 | appEnDix K
Spiritual
Wife rated husband with a 3 for “Going to church”.
• How can we work together as a team when getting ready to go to church? Maybe you could
help with the kids. (Or) How can we be more diligent to plan on going each Sunday? (Or) Will
you commit to go to church every Sunday, and let it be the exception that keeps us from going,
not the exception when we do go?
Husband rated at 0 for “Bible study with children”.

• Do you think it would be possible to have some type of Bible study with the children, maybe
once a week? What would be the best time and day for you?
Husband received a 2 for “Praying together”.

• Would you pray with me each day in the morning, or before we go to bed?
Communication
Wife gave him a 2 for “Discussing finances”.
• I know finances is not an easy subject for us, how can we communicate about that? Maybe
we can plan a time to get away for a few hours, where we will not be interrupted. That way
we can pray and discuss it more thoroughly.
Husband received a 1 for “Makes himself available each day to talk”.

• I really would like it if we could spend some more time talking with each other on a daily
basis. What do you think would be a good time for you to do this?

Wife gave husband a 2 for “Tells you he loves you often”.
• I would like to hear “I love you” more often, it really encourages me and gives me security;
maybe you could put that on your prayer list.
Husband at 2 for “Able to share openly your desires for physical fulfillment”.
in future lessons, complete with tools and questions to help facilitate this process.) Non-
sexual touching
• It would be very encouraging to me if when you touch me that it does not always lead to
sexual relations. I would like it if we could just sit together and cuddle, just because you
love me and want to show affection.
appEnDix K | 391
Wife gave husband a 2 for “Kissing”.

• It would also be nice if you could kiss me when you are leaving whenever possible. This
really helps me feel secure.
Parenting
Husband received a 2 for “Willing to lead in the discipline of the children”.
• Could you please be involved in the disciplining of the children when you are home? I
want to support you in anyway I can in the discipling of the children, and it would be
very reassuring to the kids and me if you did this.
Wife gave a 1 for “Cares about and participates in the children’s interests”.
• I know that you are very busy, but could you please pray about participating in some of
the children’s interests and events? It would be great to do this with you.
Wife felt husband deserved a 3 for “Always speaks honorably about you in front of the children”.
• Sometimes you speak negatively about me in front of the kids. Do you think we can go
into our bedroom and discuss those things that I seem to be doing wrong, and not in
front of the children?

392 | appEnDix K
about our spouse’s needs, and become the husband or wife that God intends. The word discipline
simply means to train.
appEnDix K | 393

Apply the response:

Examples:
to me.
394 | appEnDix K
how to meet them.

preference. Can personal preferences be wrong? Yes! If ones personal preference is contrary to the
you.”
a wife or husband may choose a friend that is inappropriate, or is dragging them into sinful activities;
one partner may desire sexually explicit films; or a man may desire sex weekly and his wife denies him
and sticks to her once a month preference; a mother may insist on taking the lead in child discipline and
not receive her husbands input. When a conflict or situations arises like these, a married couple needs to

appEnDix K | 395
1. Self-examination: When you feel pain that you believe was caused by your
spouse, take a moment and examine your own heart. Ask yourself: is this truly a
failure to meet my companionship need, or do I just want my own way? (Use our
information on companionship needs for men and women as your self-
examination guide.)
2. Identification: be able to communicate exactly what was said or done by your
spouse that was un-loving, un-affirming, or not cherishing or nurturing.
attention, then conclude by telling them “I do not feel affirmed when you…”
(men), or “I do not feel cherished when you…” (women). Be completely open at
this point, for communication and clarification, not denial or debate.
4. Clarification: propose a clear action plan so that your spouse knows what hurts
you, and what they can do differently to meet your companionship need in this
particular area, or situation.
5. Forgive: Showing grace and forgiveness toward one another in these learning
opportunities is so important. It is our sin nature and the devil’s desire that we
focus on the other person’s sin, not our own, and justify an agitated, harsh or
sinful response to them when they blow it. Remember, two sins never make
anything right.
396 | appEnDix K
Working together on
Appendix L
Companionship Needs Guidelines
Remember this important fact: Men and women perceive situations differently, and also respond
differently to the same words or actions. This means that a husband and wife will approach mutual
problems from a different perspective, and opportunities will arise requiring them to cooperate and
compromise.
anger, insults, bitterness, defensiveness, pouting, stuffing, stewing, and, you get the picture. These become
habits that must be broken and replaced with appropriate attitudes and actions.
Getting back to the discussion of perspective, and problems that may arise; this is an opportunity for every
man and woman to use the trials of life to both grow personally and learn how to meet the needs of
another. To succeed, we must use God’s word as a resource, and be committed to listening and
that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that
lead to patience, which leads to a state of being that God calls “lacking nothing”. God works in us, but the
time it takes to learn depends upon our cooperation. Growth comes when you put your faith in Him by
learning His will, following it, and having a deep desire to become holy as He is holy.
appEnDix L | 397
So the Bible says that God is allowing our faith to be tested by trials. It also tells us that God is our Father, if
we are in Christ, and that He never condemns us but that he disciplines us for our good. We must view
about our spouse’s needs, and become the husband or wife that God intends. The word discipline simply
means to train.
spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He
for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness Now no chastening seems to be
marriage will improve and so will your spouse’s attitude. This is not about who does more, but about who
does right. And God will bless obedience. God is always at work, but we must cooperate or the growth that
God desires won’t happen.
This verse includes becoming the husband or wife God desires you to be.
example: one of man’s basic needs is affirmation, and a woman’s is to be nurtured and cherished. We also
have stated that awareness of these needs comes through study and communication. If a need is violated,
and an offense taken, there is a proper way to bring it into discussion. A husband and wife sincerely
desiring to stop bad behavior patterns must agree to use a process something like this:

Husband: If your wife says or does something that is un-affirming to you, respond by saying, “That was
unaffirming”. But say it in a kind way.
response is to say, “That hurts.” But say it in a kind way.
340 | appEnDix L
aPPeNDIx l: WORKING TOGeTHeR ON COMPaNIONSHIP NeeDS GUIDelINeS
Apply the response:

Confirm: When one spouse alerts the other with “that was un-affirming” or “that hurt”, your response
needs to be “I am sorry”, or “help me understand what I did”, stated kindly.
Examples:
presence. His wife takes the earliest opportunity to say to him, in private, “that remark really hurt”. Clarify
the need: this might include asking him not to joke about her cooking to anyone, and then finding out if
there is something she might do to improve. Note to husband: if something is bothering you, approach it
privately and sincerely. Cherish your wife and you will discover she really wants to please you.
A wife sarcastically disagrees with her husband’s perspective on a political issue in front of friends. Later,
when no one else is present, he tells her that what she did was not affirming to him. Clarify the need: this
might include the honest truth that her opinion was argumentative and embarrassed him in public. He
could offer an alternative as, “If you have a different opinion on a subject, I am willing to discuss it with you
privately, but when you disagree or challenge me in front of others, it is un-affirming to me.”
how to meet them.

A preference indicates what one prefers before or above another. It is neither right nor wrong, but
personal preference. Can personal preferences be wrong? Yes! If your personal preference is contrary to
the Word and will of God, it is sin and wrong!
appEnDix L | 399
clothing, music, entertainment, vacation destinations, and much more. What about the up and down
Deuteronomy 4:2 says, “You shall not add to the word which I command you, nor take from
it, that you may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you.”
desires, manner of dress, friendships, child rearing methods, church attendance, and more. For example, a
wife or husband may choose a friend that is inappropriate, or is dragging them into sinful activities; one
partner may desire sexually explicit films; a man may desire sex weekly but his wife sticks to her once-
amonth preference; or a mother may insist on taking the lead in child discipline and ignore her husband’s
input. When these types of conflicts arise, a married couple needs to look into God’s Word and/or seek
godly counsel.

We have talked of working together, cooperating, and being mutually kind and considerate, but what if you
find that all or most of the effort is coming from you? So be it. Is it right for you to enter into sin and
learning how to meet their companionship needs is your love for Jesus, and desire to glorify and please
Him. As Christians, our power, comfort, significance, security, joy, peace and hope come from God, as we
walk in obedience.
precisely why forgiveness is essential; every person is called by God to practice forgiveness, both by giving
it and asking for it.
342 | appEnDix L
aPPeNDIx l: WORKING TOGeTHeR ON COMPaNIONSHIP NeeDS GUIDelINeS
Self-examination: When you feel pain that you believe was caused by your spouse, take a moment and
examine your own heart. Ask yourself: is this truly a failure to meet my companionship need, or do I just
want my own way? (Use our information on companionship needs for men and women as your self-
examination guide.)
Identification: Be able to communicate exactly what was said or done by your spouse that was un-loving,
un-affirming, or not cherishing or nurturing.
Communication: Pick a good time to lovingly bring the offense to your spouse’s attention, then say, “I do
not feel affirmed when you…” (men), or “I do not feel cherished when you…” (women). Be completely
open, at this point, for communication and clarification, not denial or debate.
Clarification: Propose a clear action plan so that your spouse knows what hurt you, and what they can do
differently to meet your companionship need in this particular area, or situation.
Forgiveness: Showing grace and forgiveness toward one another in these learning opportunities is so
important. It is our sin nature and the devil’s desire that we focus on the other person’s sin, not our own,
and justify an agitated, harsh or sinful response to them when they blow it. Remember, two sins never
make anything right.
appEnDix L | 401
Appendix M Reasons Husbands Fail to
Lead or Wives Fail to Affirm
Them
The Bible reveals some common reasons that men do not lead as God desires, and why women do not affirm their
husbands. The stumbling block, or stronghold, can be one or more of the issues listed below. If the Lord speaks to
you in any of these areas, take time to confess it and ask Him to strengthen you to be obedient to His will. Write
your confessions and prayers in the space provided for each area, when applicable.
1. UNFORGIveNeSS
Has God brought someone to mind that you need to forgive: parents, spouse or….?
Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also
forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive
your trespasses.”
Forgiveness does not mean:

• That the offender agrees what they did was wrong.
• That the offender asks for your forgiveness.
• That the offender accepts your forgiveness.
• That the relationship has to be or will be restored.
402 | appEnDix M
aPPeNDIx M: ReaSONS HUSbaNDS FaIl TO leaD OR WIveS FaIl TO aFFIRM THeM
2. DeCePTION
Satan tempts us to disobey Christ and doubt who we are in Him.
2 Corinthians 10:4-5, “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for
pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself
Christ.”
Satan uses these common tactics against us:

• Lies, so we doubt the promises of God - read John 8:44
• Condemnation or accusations, against others or ourselves - read Revelation 12:9,10
• Bringing up our past, obscuring who we are in Christ - read 2Corinthians 5:17-21
3. PeRSeCUTION
Are you ready and willing to accept suffering as part of God’s perfect plan for your life, as you and your
spouse work toward making these changes?
Romans 5:2–5, “…through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we
stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in
tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character;
and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been
1 Peter 2:20-21, “For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it
patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable
before God. For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an
example, that you should follow His steps”
appEnDix M | 345
4. SelFISHNeSS
Remember it is not our way, but His. Not our timing, but His. Press on!
1 Corinthians 13:5, “…does not seek its own…”
Luke 9:23, “Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come afer Me, let him deny
himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.”
Luke 14:26, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and
children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.”
Satan desires to derail your focus from the priorities of God to things not of God; past failures, the
world’s temptations, or your selfish wants.
God Tests Us
404 | appEnDix M
1 Thessalonians 2:4, “But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the
gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts.”
God Refines Us
Malachi 3:3, “He will sit as a refiner and a purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi,
and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer to the LORD an offering in
righteousness.”
God tells us that He tests our hearts and will refine us through purification. This is a process, not a one-
time event. As His testing reveals the sin in you, and your spouse, He desires that you would confess to
Him and commit yourselves to abiding in Him daily, denying your sinful ways and following Him. Our part is
to be in His Word, and to humbly come in prayer, asking for transformation into the image of Christ. As we
walk in obedience, He will do the work so we can glorify Him.
God does not say that we are perfect because we do everything perfectly, but we are perfect when walk
with a heart perfectly fixed on Him.
Psalm 101:2c, “I will walk within my house with a perfect heart.”
aPPeNDIx M: ReaSONS HUSbaNDS FaIl TO leaD OR WIveS FaIl TO aFFIRM THeM
A “perfect heart” is a heart firmly directed toward God, and motivated by love to walk in a manner
pleasing to Him in all our ways. In this we glorify Him. Write a prayer, asking the Lord for a “perfect heart”
to walk within your home as He desires.
Read the verses below and answer the following questions.
2 Peter 1:2-11, “Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus
our Lord, as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness,
through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given
to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of
the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. But also
for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to
knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness
brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound,
you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he
who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was
cleansed from his old sins. Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and
election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; for so an entrance will be
supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus
Christ.”
1. Do you believe God has given you exceedingly great and precious promises? List the promises God has
given you. Example: Salvation, all your sins forgiven, etc.
(Here are more verses to help you.)

Psalms 73:23-24, Psalms 91:1-2, Psalms 103:8-18, Proverbs 3:5-6, Matthew 11:28-30,
Romans 8:28-39, 1 Corinthians 10:13, 2 Corinthians 5:17, 2 Corinthians 9:8,
Ephesians 6:10-12, Philippians 4:6-7, Titus 3:4-6, James 1:2-4, 1 Peter 5:6-7.
appEnDix M | 347
406 | appEnDix M
2. By His divine nature, we are courageous, victorious, and able to do His will. We can become the leaders,
husbands, fathers, wives and mothers He has called us to be. “I can do all things through Christ who
strengthens me.” (Phil. 4:13). It is not by our power, for there is nothing good in us: “I am the vine, you are
the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.”
(John 15:5). It is only by His grace that we succeed. “So Jesus said to them again, ‘Peace to you! As the
Father has sent Me, I also send you.’” (John 20:21). Use the lines below and explain where we get our
strength, how we appropriate that strength, and the result. If God gives us all that we need, what does He
want us to do with it?
Be patient. Do not be discouraged. Commit yourself daily to being transformed into the image of Christ,
by God’s Word and His Spirit. Take responsibility when you fail. Then stand firmly in His will and watch
what God does in your life.
Appendix N Physical Intimacy in

Marriage – Men
examination for Men

The Bible teaches that there are two specific purposes for human sexual activity in marriage, procreation
(Gen. 1:28, Deut. 7:13-14), and pleasure/recreation (The Song of Solomon 4:10-12, Prov. 5:18-19).
have fallen under worldly influences which have perverted the purity of sex and made it sinful, sometimes
even thought of as something dirty, or a tiresome duty. Attitudes toward sex are also affected by the
teaching of our parents, or personal experience which can range from childhood curiosity and information
gained from friends to pornography, molestation, rape and experimental sexual choices. Remember, it is
Satan’s plan to destroy, or make bad, the things God has created for good, including sex.
relationship.
• A belief that sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed and practiced only within the marriage
relationship.
• A commitment to give and receive sex within the context of biblical love, which is selfless, not
selfish.
• The practice of open and honest communication between husband and wife, learning how to
bring physical pleasure to one another.
• A basic understanding of human sexual anatomy as it relates to sexual pleasure.
Sadly, many Christian couples are unfulfilled in this area of marriage and don’t know how to make it better.
discover why. When God reveals His will for us, then we need to see it as good. There can be medical or
physiological reasons why both men and women may experience difficulty with sex but, in most cases,
ignorance, selfishness and/or resentfulness is the cause. Over the course of any marriage there are
seasons when we must deny ourselves in this area and exercise patience due to pregnancies, surgeries,
temporary and terminal illnesses, life traumas, etc.; however, whenever possible, we are to keep our
sexual relationship fulfilling.
Men, on your marriage day you never imagined there would be a time when you would turn down a sexual
advance from your wife. Today, more than a few men are struggling with this problem, opening the door
for Satan’s lies, creating temptations and causing confusion. When a husband rejects his wife’s sexual
advances, she will begin to feel undesirable, unattractive and unloved. A husband who is not initiating sex
on a regular basis needs to find out why and work toward changing it. The most common reasons are not
medical, but come from a “HEART” condition.
Examine your heart with these questions:

• Do you feel that you have been your wife’s priority in marriage, second only to God?  Yes 
No
• Do you feel your wife knows how to treat you with honor, speak to you with respect and
affirmation?  Yes  No
• Do you feel that your wife treats you like one of the children?  Yes  No
• Do you feel your wife trusts your leadership and yields to your decisions for the family?  Yes
 No
• Do you feel your wife has rejected your sexual advances because she does not love and/ or
prioritize you?  Yes  No
appEnDix n | 409
350 | appEnDix n
aPPeNDIx N: PHYSICal INTIMaCY IN MaRRIaGe – MeN
• Do you feel your wife has been unwilling to talk about sex and to work toward making it better?
 Yes  No
• Are you angry or resentful toward your wife for any of the above reasons?  Yes  No
Any of these issues can affect your heart attitude, and desire to have sex with your wife. Through
forgiveness and a willingness by both partners to work toward reconciliation, your physical intimacy can be
restored.
Consider these sinful responses:

1. Have you been rejecting your wife’s sexual advances and/or not showing interest in sex to
hurt her, or to get revenge for past rejections and the way she treats you?  Yes  No
2. Have you given up on trying to make your sexual relationship better?  Yes  No
[Ephesians 5 :27 says, “that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not
having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without
blemish.” This verse is an exhortation to settle for nothing less than God’s holy will in
your marriage; when we do not follow His will, it is sin. A man who gives up on the
sexual relationship makes himself and his wife vulnerable to sinful practices; this can
result in adultery or indulgence in pornography. Another common sin is over-
committing time to such activities as career, hobbies, volunteer work and even ministry.
When a man does not receive affirmation, this is a common problem. You need to
confess, repent, and work toward making things right.]
3. Have you turned to porn?  Yes  No
[If you have turned to pornography and masturbation, this is a destructive and sinful
antidote. If you have begun to practice this on a regular basis, it can become the
preferred way to find sexual pleasure because there is no risk of rejection and or
negative attitudes, but it is sin. You need to repent, seek help and work on restoring
your marriage in this and other areas.]
4. Have you placed selfish expectations on your wife’s physical appearance and/ or certain
sexual acts as a condition for you to lovingly participate in sex with her?  Yes  No
[There is never an excuse to not do God’s will in any area of our life, and that includes
working at fulfilling your wife’s sexual needs. Philippians 2:3 says, “Let nothing be done
through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others
better than himself.” Sex is not about selfishness in the marriage. It is an expression of
love, and a commitment to God and spouse to fulfill His will in your marriage.
Look for physical problems:

There are physical reasons why a man can lose his sex drive and performance prematurely.
1. Lower than average testosterone level; this can be determined through a doctor’s
visit and a simple blood test. There are many options available to increase
testosterone levels.
2. Are you taking antidepressants? These can cause a man to lose his sexual drive. Talk
with your doctor and seek other options. I also encourage you to get some “good”
biblical counseling. Depression or anxiety can result from hurts that have never
been forgiven, guilt from past sins/mistakes never resolved through forgiveness,
unconfessed sinful practices, Demonic lies accepted as true about yourself, and
confusion about God’s view of you or what you need to do to be accepted by Him.
3. Are you taking blood pressure medicines? This can affect sexual drive and/or the
ability to get an erection, very humbling and embarrassing for a man. It is important
for both husband and wife to know the side effects of taking blood pressure
medicines and be willing to work through this challenge together. Changing
medication may solve the problem, or a doctor can advise using meds like Viagra,
Levitra and Cialis to address erectile dysfunction.
The truth is, a man needs to learn how to please his wife physically without having to reach an orgasm
himself. Most wives have participated in sex many times without ever reaching a climax or orgasm. Why is
it acceptable for a man to be sexually pleased with little or no pleasure for his wife; however, the reverse
situation is not normal, but taboo and very unacceptable? Yes, a good wife should be willing to participate
sexually with her husband when she is “not in the mood”, but a good husband should also be willing to
fulfill his wife’s sexual desires apart from his own.
A husband who loves his wife and desires to fulfill her sexually can do so without the ability or desire to
reach an orgasm himself. This will take honest communication about technique and a mutual willingness to
explore new sexual avenues perhaps using lotions, lubrication, hands, mouth and positions.
352 | appEnDix n
appEnDix n | 411
aPPeNDIx N: PHYSICal INTIMaCY IN MaRRIaGe – MeN
Make a commitment to God and your spouse to go through the Forgiveness Workbook together and begin
to work on making the necessary changes in your marriage. Trust God and His ways, and pray that He will
heal and bless your obedience.
An Honest Prayer about Intimacy
body and spirit, it is passion and tenderness, it is strong embrace and gentle handholding, it
is open nakedness and hidden mystery, it is joyful tears on honeymoon faces, and it is tears
on wrinkled faces at a golden wedding anniversary. Sex is a quiet look across the room, a
love note on a pillow, a rose laid on a breakfast plate, laughter in the night. Sex is life — not
all of life — but wrapped up in the meaning of life. Sex is your good gif, O God, to enrich
life, to continue the race, to communicate, to show me who I am, to reveal my mate, to
cleanse through “one flesh”. Lord, some people say sex and religion don’t mix; but your
word says sex is good. Help me to keep it good in my life. Help me to be open about sex and
still protect the mystery. Help me to see that sex is neither demon nor deity. Help me not to
climb into a fantasy world of imaginary sexual partners; keep me in the real world to love
the people you have created. Teach me that my soul does not have to frown at sex for me to
be a Christian. It’s hard for many people to say, “Thank God for sex!” because for them sex
is more a problem than a gif. They need to know that sex and gospel can be linked together
again. They need to hear the good news about sex. Show me how I can help them. Thank
you, Lord, for making me a sexual being. Thank you for showing me how to treat others
with trust and love. Thank you for letting me talk to you about sex. Thank you that I feel free
to say: “Thank you God for sex”.
—Dr. Ed Wheat
Appendix O Physical Intimacy in
Marriage – Women
examination for Women

The Bible teaches that there are two specific purposes for human sexual activity in marriage: procreation
(Gen. 1:28, Deut. 7:13-14) and pleasure, or recreation (The Song of Solomon 4:10-12, Prov. 5:18-19).
relationship.
• A belief that sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed and practiced only within the marriage
relationship.
413 | Appendix o
• A commitment to give and receive sex within the context of biblical love, which is selfless, not
selfish.
• The practice of honest and open communication between husband and wife, learning how to
bring physical pleasure to one another.
• A basic understanding of human sexual anatomy as it relates to sexual pleasure.
If you had loving parents in a great relationship who taught you a biblical perspective on sexuality, then it
follows that you should have good expectations and be excited about having a sexual relationship with
your husband. In fact, even if this was not your exact history, a normally adjusted bride usually looks
forward to a life of mutual sexual satisfaction and pleasure in marriage. But, as time passes, all too often
hopes and expectations change for a variety of reasons. Perhaps repeated unsatisfying sexual
experiences with your husband, his unwillingness to receive any instruction from you, pregnancies,
raising children and other relationship challenges have quenched your sexual pleasure and changed your
attitude to discouragement and a desire to avoid sex.
discover why. If God made something and said it is to be part of our relationship in marriage, then we
need to see it as good and be willing to learn how to give it in the best way. It needs to be treated with
the same importance as communication or any other companionship need.
Sadly, many Christian couples are experiencing unfulfilled sexual relations and don’t know how to make it
better. There are medical and physiological issues that can affect either husband or wife but, in most
cases, it is ignorance, selfishness and/or resentment that negatively affects this area in a marriage. Over
the course of any marriage relationship there are seasons when we must deny ourselves and exercise
patience due to medical reasons, pregnancies, life traumas, etc.; however, if the condition is not
terminal, we are to work toward keeping our sexual relationship fulfilling.
As a wife, if you are not initiating, or participating in sex on a regular basis, then you need to find out why
and work toward change. The most common reason that women do not desire or initiate sex is not
physical, but it is a “HEART” issue. Generally, the frequency of sexual intercourse and the need to have
an orgasm every time is not the same for women and men; men usually requiring greater frequency in
both. So which sex drive is the determining factor for sexual intimacy? Neither, as sacrifice and selfdenial
must be practiced by each at different times to maintain a balanced and mutually loving relationship.
Examining the following issues can help resolve problems that affect a woman’s sexual relationship to
her husband.
414 | Appendix o
aPPeNDIx O: PHYSICal INTIMaCY IN MaRRIaGe – WOMeN
Hurts that affect the heart:

1. Does your spouse show an interest in learning how to love and prioritize you in the manner
of a godly husband?  Yes  No
2. Do you feel he faithfully takes responsibility when he speaks to you harshly?  Yes  No
3. Do you feel he has been willing and/or interested in learning how to nurture and cherish
you?  Yes  No
4. Do you feel that the family is his greatest earthly possession by the way he has prioritized
his time and his attitude when home?  Yes  No
5. Do you feel he is willing to lovingly lead in the area of parenting the children?  Yes  No
6. Do you feel he uses excuses and/or is unwilling to apologize when he uses anger and harsh
discipline toward the children?  Yes  No
7. Do you feel he takes seriously his responsibility to provide for the family?  Yes  No
8. Do you feel he has been willing to lovingly discuss and receive input from you on how, and
how often, to have sex?  Yes  No
9. Do you feel he is attracted to you?  Yes  No
10. Do you feel he has shown spiritual leadership in the home?  Yes  No
These questions address hurts and wounds that you may have, experiences that can affect a wife’s heart
attitude toward sex with her husband. All these hurts can be healed through forgiveness. When a
husband and wife are willing to ask forgiveness, to give and receive it, and then learn how to tend to
each other biblically, this can heal the hurts and bring reconciliation to the relationship in all areas.
Sinful responses:
1. Have you been denying sex to your husband as a way to get revenge, hurt or to manipulate
him?  Yes  No
2. Have you allowed the world’s demonic, dirty image of sex to taint your attitude toward it? 
Yes  No
Appendix o | 415
3. Have you allowed a negative self-image to prevent your husband from enjoying your body?
 Yes  No
4. Have you been withholding sex from your husband because he has not lived up to what you
feel he should be doing as a father or spiritual leader?  Yes  No
5. Have you been willing to cooperate with your husband in expressing how he can sexually
please you, and are you willing to learn how to please him?  Yes  No
[Note: THE BIBLE DOES NOT CONDONE SELFISH ACTS THAT HURT OTHERS FOR SELF
GRATIFICATION! ]
6. Have you turned to romance novels or TV programs to meet your emotional needs rather
than improving the relationship with your husband?  Yes  No
7. Have you just given up trying to make it better?  Yes  No
If any of these answers are “yes”, you are vulnerable to problems including emotional and/or physical
infidelity. For sure, these issues will drive a wedge between husband and wife, resulting in an unhappy
cohabitation that is far from God’s will and plan for marriage.
It is a fact that you wives participate in marital sex without an orgasm more often than your husbands.
Have you wondered why it is accepted for a man to be sexually pleased with little or no pleasure for his
wife but, when that is reversed, the outcome is considered abnormal, taboo, or unacceptable? A good
wife should be willing to participate sexually with her husband when she is not “in the mood”, but
likewise a good husband should desire to please his wife even without achieving orgasm himself. To
reach this level of intimacy requires openly and honest communication about how to please one
another, and willingness to mutually explore new avenues for pleasure possibly with lotions, lubrication,
hands, mouth and positions.
Make a commitment to God and your spouse to go through the Forgiveness Workbook together and
begin making necessary changes in your marriage. Trust God and His ways, and pray that He will heal and
bless your marriage.
Possible physical problems:

As a final word, there are anatomical and physical differences between men and women that make
medical considerations especially relevant to certain difficulties during sexual intercourse. Following is a
discussion of some that can affect women, quoted directly from medical evidence.
416 | Appendix o
“For two thirds of women, intercourse is painful at some point. These are some of the most
common reason why.” Katharine O’Connell, M.D.
Women often suffer in silence because they’re too embarrassed to speak up, or because they assume
there’s no remedy. But the truth is, if sex hurts, it’s usually pretty easy to find out why and, in most cases,
to fix it. So I ask my patients these questions to get to the bottom of what’s going on.
1. You may need more foreplay or have vaginal dryness.
Simply not being lubricated enough is the number-one reason for pain during sex. There are two parts to
our body’s response to foreplay. The first is engorgement, a rushing of blood to the vagina that expands
the vaginal walls—our version of an erection. The second is lubrication, a release of moisture from the
glands that ring the vaginal opening. Both actions signal your readiness for sex, so starting before they
take place can hurt. One patient told me, “A little friction feels good, but I think there’s too much friction
happening.” The quick fix? Lubricant like Astroglide or K-Y. A better fix? More foreplay. If you’ve been
taking an antiallergy medication, that could be the culprit—antihistamines are one of several
Appendix o | 417
medications that can lead to dryness (others include antidepressants and, although it’s not common, the
Pill). Talk to your doctor about it, or keep a water-based lube on hand.
2. It may be vulvodynia or herpes.
The word basically means “painful vulva.” It’s a condition up to 16 percent of women have, but we still
don’t understand very well what causes it. Women often describe it as a burning, stinging, itching,
irritating or raw feeling on their vulva and labia, and say it sometimes hurts even when they’re just sitting
or walking around. If this sounds like you, get a referral to a vulvar-pain specialist (your doctor can find
one at nva.org) or talk to your ob-gyn. Topical creams and oral medications (including antidepressants)
have helped dozens of my patients. The other possibility here is genital herpes. Take a mirror and look
for pimple-like bumps appearing as clear blisters on a red base. If you see anything suspicious, don’t
google herpes pictures (it will just freak you out); head to your gynecologist.
3. You may have a yeast infection.
The dreaded overgrowth of the microscopic fungal candida often makes the vulva, vagina and cervix
become irritated, inflamed and incredibly sensitive. (One of my patients told me sex during a yeast
infection felt like her partner was “wearing a sandpaper condom.”) If you’re tender and itchy, and have
clumpy discharge, an over-the-counter vaginal yeast infection treatment should fix you up within a few
days to a week. If it doesn’t, see your gynecologist to rule out STDs and other infections like bacterial
vaginosis (BV). 4. He may be bumping your cervix.
It may sound strange, but getting your cervix bumped can hurt. About 20 percent of women have a
retroverted uterus (meaning the organ tips back toward the tailbone, instead of forward toward the
bladder), which makes it easy for the penis to brush up against your cervix. But the mishap can happen
to any woman during sex positions with deeper penetration, like doggy style. So if it “feels like he’s
pushing my uterus up into my stomach,” as one patient told me, try woman-on-top, where you can
control how deeply, and quickly, your partner thrusts.
5. It may be an ovarian cyst or UTI.
If the pain is on only one side, you could have an ovarian cyst. Your ovaries make cysts for a living; each
month a little one forms around the developing egg, then bursts to release it during ovulation. But if the
cyst isn’t quickly reabsorbed like normal, it can swell up with fluid or blood and get very uncomfortable,
especially during sex. Most cysts will go away within a few weeks or months on their own, but in rare
cases, persistent cysts may need surgery. Ask your ob-gyn for an ultrasound to check your ovaries.
418 | Appendix o
Ibuprofen can ease the pain, and hormonal birth control can ward off cysts in the future. If it hurts more
in the middle of your pelvis—especially if you’ve noticed that it burns when you pee or you have to go a
lot—it could be a urinary tract infection (UTI), and you should see your doctor for antibiotics. (No,
cranberry juice won’t cure it.)
6. You may have endometriosis, PID or interstitial cystitis.
This is a condition in which tissue that looks and acts like the lining of the uterus grows outside of it—on
the ovaries, fallopian tubes or even the abdominal wall. Aside from uncomfortable sex, it can also cause
constant pelvic pain and excruciating periods. The Pill, or other hormonal birth control, is the best
treatment. Another possible culprit for your discomfort is pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), which
usually results from an untreated infection like chlamydia or gonorrhea traveling into your uterus and
fallopian tubes. (Until reaching this advanced stage, STDs aside from herpes almost never cause painful
sex on their own.) Other symptoms of PID may be stomach pain, fever and smelly discharge. Sound like
you? Get to your doctor ASAP—PID is usually curable with a simple two-week course of antibiotics, but it
can harm your fertility if you don’t take care of it. The third possible cause for your pain is interstitial
cystitis (IC), an inflammation of the bladder that causes a stinging sensation when you pee, and a
frequent, urgent need to go. It’s often misdiagnosed as chronic UTI because of the similar symptoms. If
you’re visiting the restroom hourly and are hurting during or after sex, see your doctor for an evaluation
and ask about IC.
7. It may be pelvic congestion
No, this doesn’t mean your vagina has a cold. During foreplay and arousal, blood rushes to the pelvis;
after sex, the muscles and blood vessels relax, allowing the blood to reenter the rest of the body. But if
the muscles don’t unclench and the blood doesn’t dissipate, it can cause a dull pain. It’s not dangerous,
but it can be uncomfortable. The best remedy is of course, orgasm. And if that doesn’t relieve your
discomfort, consider “premedicating” before sex with 600 to 800 milligrams of ibuprofen to treat the
pain.
An Honest Prayer About Intimacy

body and spirit, it is passion and tenderness, it is strong embrace and gentle handholding,
it is open nakedness and hidden mystery, it is joyful tears on honeymoon faces, and it is
tears on wrinkled faces at a golden wedding anniversary. Sex is a quiet look across the
room, a love note on a pillow, a rose laid on a breakfast plate, laughter in the night. Sex is
Appendix o | 419
life — not all of life — but wrapped up in the meaning of life. Sex is your good gif, O God,
to enrich life, to continue the race, to communicate, to show me who I am, to reveal my
mate, to cleanse through “one flesh”. Lord some people say sex and religion don’t mix; but
your word says sex is good. Help me to keep it good in my life. Help me to be open about
sex and still protect the mystery. Help me to see that sex is neither demon nor deity. Help
me not to climb into a fantasy world of imaginary sexual partners; keep me in the real
world to love the people you have created. Teach me that my soul does not have to frown
at sex for me to be a Christian. It’s hard for many people to say, “Thank God for sex!”
because for them sex is more a problem than a gif. They need to know that sex and
gospel can be linked together again. They need to hear the good news about sex. Show
me how I can help them. Thank you, Lord, for making me a sexual being. Thank you for
showing me how to treat others with trust and love. Thank you for letting me talk to you
about sex. Thank you that I feel free to say: “Thank you God for sex”.
—Dr. Ed Wheat
420 | Appendix o
Trusting God in
Appendix P - Worksheet
Your Marriage Means Practicing

Forgiveness
Trusting the Sovereignty of God

The word sovereign means “possessing supreme power, unlimited wisdom, and absolute authority”.
Daniel 4:35, “All the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, but He does
according to His will in the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and no
one can ward off His hand or say to Him ‘What have You done?’” (All Scriptures in this
section are from the NASB, unless otherwise noted)
Psalm 139:1-4, “…You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and
when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying
down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my
tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all.”
Psalm 139:1-18 teaches that God knows each of us intimately, that all of our acts and thoughts are
known to Him even before they are known to us. Before you opened your heart to God, by accepting
Jesus as Lord and Savior, He knew that you would come. God is not willing that any should perish,
however, through the exercise of free will, He gives every individual the freedom to reject Him.
God created Adam and Eve, and He gave only one restriction: do not eat of the tree of the knowledge of
good and evil. But they were deceived by Satan and, in disobedience, chose to eat the fruit of that tree.
This brought the curse of sin on all mankind. In Adam, God gave mankind the freedom to choose good,
but he turned to evil; therefore, all who now choose to be reborn as God’s children, by faith in Christ, still
live in a fallen world and are touched by the evil around them. If God shielded His children from all
trouble and evil, people would only be motivated to turn to Him for the guarantee of an easy life. In fact,
this is the very argument that began the historic showdown in Heaven between God and Satan,
concerning the life of Job.
421 | Appendix p - Worksheet

Satan said to God:
“Does Job fear God for nothing? Have You not made a hedge about him and his house and
all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions
have increased in the land. But put forth Your hand now and touch all that he has; he will
surely curse You to Your face.” (Job 1:9-11)
God allowed Satan to test Job’s faith through the loss of his possessions, his children and, finally, his
health. God is a loving Father and does not bring evil into our lives; however, for His purpose and for our
ultimate good, He allows us to be touched by trials. Job continued to trust God throughout his suffering,
which ultimately resulted in a deeper, more intimate relationship with his Creator and complete
restoration of blessing.
Job questioned why God was allowing him to suffer (God declared he was a righteous man in Job 2:3), so
he asked, “Why?” For several chapters, he agonizes over the reason for his trials. God never answers
directly, but turns Job’s attention to His power and glory, which is displayed in creation. Job’s search was
eventually satisfied through deeper understanding of the greatness of God. Just like Job, when we
experience trials, we look for an explanation, “Why, why, why?” And so it is with our marriages and the
trials that seem so overwhelming. One of the many lessons we can learn from Job is that “Why?” is the
wrong question. We should instead ask God, “What?”
What are You trying to teach me?

What is Your will for me in this season of suffering?
James 1:13,14, “…God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.
But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.”
Job 42:1-6, “Then Job answered the Lord and said, ’I know that You can do all things, and
that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted…I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear;
but not my eye sees You...’”
This being true, are any of your marriage problems beyond God’s power, wisdom, or authority?

aPPeNDIx P - WORKSHeeT: TRUSTING GOD IN YOUR MaRRIaGe MeaNS PRaCTICING FORGIveNeSS
What circumstance in your marriage did God not know beforehand that you would face?
Ephesians 1:11, “In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the
plan of Him who works everything in conformity with the purpose of His will.”
How should you respond to disappointments, difficulties, suffering, and trials in your marriage?
If God knew all that would happen before we were born, then it follows that, through His foreknowledge,
we were predestined through His grace to live the life given to us. God does not keep? trials or evil from
touching us, or prevent our bad choices, but He does promise to work all for good in the life of those
who are committed to Him (Romans 8:28-29).
Romans 8:28, 29, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love
God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew,
He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son…”
For example, you can choose to harbor bitterness toward a spouse who disappoints or hurts you, or you
can place your faith in a sovereign God.
When we come to Christ, we trust God with our eternal destiny. We must also trust Him with our past
and present circumstances; Christ can comfort and strengthen us both in and through our trials, and can
bring good out of bad. It is only through our faith and obedience that God can and will give us peace, and
bring praise, honor, and glory to our Lord Jesus Christ.
Read the following passage and write in your own words what it is saying, and how it can be applied to
your personal circumstances.
Appendix p - Worksheet | 423

1 Peter 1:3-7, “…In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary,
you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more
precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result
in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”
Our Trials and Tribulations GOD’S WORD TEACHES THAT TRIALS AND
TRIBULATIONS ARE PART OF THE CHRISTIAN LIFE.
John 16:33, “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the
world you will have tribulation but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
Jesus tells us that we can have peace and that He has overcome the world, but in the midst of trials we
ask, “Why? What is God’s purpose?” Just as the refiner places crude gold into a crucible and administers
heat to bring dross (impurity) to the surface, God allows His beloved children to go into the crucible of
suffering to be refined and transformed into the image of our Redeemer, Jesus Christ.
Malachi 3:3, “He will sit as a smelter and purifier of silver, and He will purify the sons of
Levi and refine them like gold and silver, so that they may present to the Lord offerings in
righteousness.”
If we trust ourselves to God’s goodness and purpose, our hearts will become permeated with the love,
hope, and confidence of Jesus Christ. Others will see the righteousness of Jesus Christ being worked out
in us.
Remember Romans 8:28-29:
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who
are the called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined
to become conformed to the image of His Son…”

God does not say some things work together for good, but all things. The key is faith; if we choose to
believe God’s promises and trust Him in all of our trials and tribulations, we will be victorious and God
will be glorified. In this passage, “…to those who love God” refers to those who have received Jesus as
Lord and Savior, which includes an understanding that God’s purpose in this life is to deliver us from the
power of sin, which translates to becoming one who is able to choose righteousness over evil, glory to
God.
2 Corinthians 2:14, “But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and
manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place.”
Are you willing to trust God with the trials and challenges in your marriage?  Yes  No
Are you willing to allow God to transform your life through these trials?
Are you willing to trust God as you work through these hurts and trials in your marriage?
“There are times, says Jesus, when God cannot lif the darkness from you, but trust Him.
God will appear like an unkind friend, but He is not; He will appear like an unnatural
Father, but He is not; He will appear like an unjust judge, but He is not. Keep the notion of
the mind of God behind all things strong and growing. Nothing happens in any particular
unless God’s will is behind it, therefore you can rest in perfect confidence in Him.”
—My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers
The Cost of UnForgiveness

The word forgive literally means to give away. When a debt is forgiven, the right to payment is given
away. If someone injures me and I forgive them, I give away the freedom to continue being angry and
resentful. This breaks many strongholds that lead to emotional and psychological problems. Forgiving
someone means giving our hurts to God, letting Him take them away from us. In this way, we give away
any resentful thoughts we may have and eliminate any acts of retribution. As God pardons us, we give a
pardon for the offense. In fact, God commands that we forgive others as He has forgiven us. The word

pardon is derived from Latin, perdonare, meaning to grant freely. True forgiveness is undeserved,
unmerited, and free. It is not our place to decide what is just or fair, we are called to forgive. In the
Scriptures, to forget means, to let go from one’s power.
When we refuse to grant forgiveness, choosing to maintain our right to demand payment for wrongs
done to us, there is a price to pay. Unforgiveness, or being unwilling to let go of offenses when we
believe another person has wronged us, results in a negative emotional condition. The most common is
resentment, which means to feel again. Resentment clings to past hurts, reliving them over and over.
Resentment, like picking a scab, prohibits our emotional wounds from healing.
Hebrews 12:15, “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of
bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.”
In Hebrews 12:15, we learn that bitterness is like a deep root taking hold in the human heart, which then
grows and produces fruit; however, rather than nourishing others, this bitter fruit defiles both us and
others.
Most people do not readily admit to harboring unforgiveness, resentment or bitterness because they
only recognize it as a logical emotional response after being hurt. They see their condition as justified
and seek others to listen to their complaints, or sympathize with them. Ephesians 4:31 teaches that
there will be undeniable evidence in an individual’s life that the bitter tree of resentment is growing
within their heart.
Ephesians 4:31, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put
away from you, along with all malice.”
Wrath – An outburst of a strong, vengeful anger or indignation, seeking retribution.
Anger – A state of mind marked by fretfulness and reacting to life’s challenges with
frustration.
Evil speaking – Unkind words, verbal abuse against someone, clamor/slander, wounding
someone’s reputation by evil reports, backbiting, insult and defamation.
Malice – Hateful feelings that we nurture in our hearts. A desire to see another suffer
and/ or to separate ourselves from that person, not wanting to work toward
reconciliation.

Ask yourself, “Are any of these common in my life?”

• Pride • Self-righteousness • Self-pity • Emotional disturbances • Anxiety, tension & stress •
Health problems • Eating Disorders • An unhealthy sense of self-confidence • Lack of trust in
relationships • Lack of intimacy in marriage • Sexual Dysfunction • Judgmental & critical of others
• Ultra-sensitive & easily offended • Absence of peace & joy • Feel distant from Jesus • Afraid to
lead as a husband • Afraid to follow as a wife
Why Forgive?
Along with the emotional and social devastation that results from unforgiveness, we are indebted to
forgive because:
GOD COMMANDS IT
Obedience to God is not optional. Deciding when we will and will not obey His commands leads to an
unfruitful, ineffective and spiritually barren life.

Luke 6:35,36, “But love your enemies, and do good…and you will be sons of the Most
High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. Be merciful, just as your Father is
merciful.”
Mark 11:25, “And whenever you stand praying. If you have anything against anyone,
forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.”
IN FORGIVING, WE BEAR THE IMAGE OF JESUS

As Christians, we are called to carry the name of Christ to a lost world. In fact, the term Christian means
little Christ. Christ demonstrated forgiveness, came to this earth and died to establish forgiveness for the
guilty; to bear His image we must be willing to forgive others, as He forgives us. Christ commissioned the
church to proclaim forgiveness. You must forgive others to bear the image of Christ!
Luke 23:34, “Then Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.’ ”
1 John 2:6, “…the one who says he abides in Him ought to walk in the same manner as He
walked.”
FORGIVENESS BREAKS THE CYCLE OF PAIN, BLAME AND STRONGHOLDS

Forgiveness brings healing to a hurting person, functions as an antidote to the poison of bitterness;
however, it does not address all issues of blame and fairness, but often disregards those altogether.
Remember, the hurt and resentment is left behind with God, while obediently offering forgiveness brings
freedom and enables one to start over in a relationship, when that applies.
This truth is demonstrated in the life of Joseph, found in chapters 37-45, of Genesis. Betrayed by his
brothers and sold into slavery, he refused to allow the root of bitterness to take hold in his life. After
years of separation, when the family was reunited, Joseph testified of the healing work that God had
done in his life through forgiveness, demonstrated by the names of his sons.
In Genesis 41, verses 51 and 52, we read:
“Joseph named the firstborn Manasseh, “For,” he said, “God has made me forget all my
trouble in all my father’s household.”
“He named the second Ephraim, “For,” he said, “God has made me fruitful in the land of
my affliction…”
In this passage, forget does not mean cease to remember, but means to let go, or cease to let hurts
control your present life. Joseph’s fruitfulness was directly related to putting his trust in God’s sovereignty
and
368 | appEnDix n
forgiving others. Remember that resentment means to feel again. Instead of multiplying his hurt by
feeling it again and again, Joseph chose to trust God as the overseer of all events in his life.
Unforgiveness imprisons us in the past and locks out all potential for a fruitful life.
During Joseph’s years in Egypt, he allowed God to heal a heart that had been broken by his own brothers.
Later, when given the opportunity, he demonstrated his healing through acts of love, forgiveness, and
grace to his brothers. Joseph speaks to them in Genesis 45:
“Now do not be grieved or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here, for God sent
me before you to preserve life…and to keep you alive by a great deliverance…He kissed all
his brothers and wept on them, and aferward his brothers talked with him.”
There was no blaming and no explanation demanded, only the voice of mercy and forgiveness. The way
was cleared for Joseph and his brothers to be reunited and begin a new relationship.
Forgiveness loosens the stranglehold of guilt in the offender

Ephesians 2:7, “…in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in
kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.”
Forgiveness brings freedom to all involved. God set Joseph free, but his brothers would have carried their
grief to the grave if Joseph had not forgiven them. Remember, we forgive because God forgives us in
Christ. That same forgiveness, undeserved and unearned, is what we owe to others; it relieves the
oppressive burden we know as guilt.
If Jesus had not extended kindness and forgiveness to sinners, we would all forever exist in the
stranglehold of guilt. He made the first move toward us, which made it possible for us to be reconciled to
Him.

Reconciliation
To reconcile is to restore to a right relationship, to settle or resolve differences. It is the removal an
enmity, the resolution of a quarrel. Reconciliation implies that the parties being reconciled were formerly
hostile to and/or separated from one another.
Any reconciliation that is going successfully will be accompanied by kindness and peace rather than
anger and turmoil.
Ephesians 4:31,32, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put
away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving
each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”
The Scriptures instruct us to “Let all bitterness… be put away from you… be kind… tenderhearted,
forgiving…” It guides us and instructs us in each of these questions.
How do we put away bitterness?
How do we reconcile with someone that we have offended?
How do we repair the hurt we have caused others?
How do we forgive someone who has offended us?
How can we change our own feelings about a wrong done?

If You Need To be Forgiven

As an act of the will, you must:
1. Confess your sin to God, ask him to forgive you and by his Holy Spirit to fill your heart
with his love.
Psalm 32:1,3-5, “Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered…

When I kept silent, my bones grew old through my groaning all the day long. For day and
night Your hand was heavy upon me; my vitality was turned into the drought of summer. I
acknowledged my sin to You and my iniquity I have not hidden. I said, ‘I will confess my
transgressions to the Lord,’ and You forgave the iniquity of my sin.”
Psalm 103:12, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our
transgressions from us.”
Take a moment right now and cry out to God. Ask Him to forgive you, to fill you with His Holy Spirit,
and strengthen you to obey.
God alone forgives sins. He forgives and He forgets. By faith, accept God’s absolute forgiveness and
cleansing.
“Forgiveness is not an emotion…Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function
regardless of the temperature of the heart.”
—Corrie ten Boom
2. Go to your spouse, humbly make confession and ask for their forgiveness.
Matthew 5:23-24, “Therefore if you bring your gif to the altar, and there remember that
your brother has something against you, leave your gif there before the altar, and go
your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then ome and offer your gif.”
Write out your commitment to obey Matthew 5:23, 24 and briefly write what needs to be said for
forgiveness.
Six of the most powerful words in the English language, “I

was wrong. Please forgive me.”
It is best to do this face to face. However, due to a possible confrontation, you may have to communicate
in writing to your spouse.
Note: Don’t let distractions or other obstacles delay this act of obedience.
It can help to share your decision with a trustworthy Christian friend, asking them to prayer partner with
you and hold you accountable to follow through on this commitment.
3. Spend time daily with the Lord in his Word and in prayer.
One of the many negative consequences of not seeking or giving forgiveness is a hindered relationship
with God. Praise the Lord that He never leaves us or forsakes us, but our own hearts can grow cold and
distant, thus affecting our intimacy with Him. I believe this is a consequence that God designed to
motivate us to practice forgiveness.
Matthew 6:33, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these
things shall be added to you.”

Write out your decision to spend time daily with God by reading His Word, and in prayer and meditation.
4. Ponder the meaning of the cross and the sacrifice Jesus made for your sins.
Titus 3:3-5, “For we ourselves were also once foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving
various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and hating one another. But
when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared, not by works of
righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the
washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit.”
Take a moment right now and thank Jesus for all that He has done for you: for forgiving all of your sins;
for His perfect plan of transforming you into His image; and for the gift of His Holy Spirit.
If You Need To forgive your spouse

1. Pray and ask God for the strength to obey and forgive your spouse.
Matthew 21:21, “So Jesus answered and said to them, “Assuredly, I say to you, if you have
faith and do not doubt…if you say to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’
it will be done.”
God promised to give us the strength to move mountains. This may be your Mt. Everest!

“Whenever I see myself before God and realize something of what my blessed Lord has
done for me at Calvary, I am ready to forgive anybody anything, I cannot withhold it. I do
not even want to withhold it.”
—Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones
We know it is God’s will that we forgive others; be confident that when you ask for this strength, it will be
granted.
2. Communicate your forgiveness to your spouse.
1 John 5:14, “Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything
according to His will, He hears us.”
Romans 14:19, “Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things
by which one may edify another.”
Get Motivated!
In Matthew 22:36-40, the Lord Jesus revealed an essential truth when answering this question:
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?” Jesus said to him, “’You shall love the Lord
your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great
commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two
commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” Jesus Himself said that our love for others is equally
as important as our love for Him.
We want God to forgive us and, in fact, we ask for this regularly and depend upon it. God shows His love
to us, and we are to respond by first loving Him and then loving others. This verse is NOT encouraging a
love that would put us in conflict with God’s desires or will for us, but that all love we show toward
others should be within the scope of our obedience to Him. We must not put our own desires or the
desire to satisfy others above our obedience to God.
Matthew 5:22 reads, “But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a
cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be
in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire.”

Let’s bring some clarity to the words in this verse. To be “angry with his brother” means; treating
someone in thought, word or deed in an unloving way. How common is it among believers to treat a
spouse in an unloving way and excuse it rather than seek reconciliation?
The word raca means to hold someone in contempt, judge, or believe them to be worthless or less than
yourself in some way. The word fool means one who is morally worthless and undeserving of salvation.
These are serious charges that many believers are aiming at others for one reason or another. The Lord
says in 1 Corinthians 6:20, “for you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your
spirit, which are God’s”.
We are to glorify or, in other words, reflect Christ to all with no exception. Lingering thoughts or
behaviors toward others that are unloving or not Christ-like are inexcusable and require repentance both
toward God and the person. Matthew 5:23-24 says, “Therefore if you bring your gif to the altar, and
there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gif there before the altar, and
go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gif”.
When do we go to the altar? This is referring to our fellowship with Jesus, our time in prayer and
thanksgiving and asking petitions of Him. It is our daily acts of devotion and our desire to abide in Him.
John 15:5-6 says, “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much
fruit; for without Me you can do nothing”. To abide means to dwell with, to live in a constant awareness
of being the temple of the Holy Spirit. And it says that IF we do it, we will bear much fruit, for without His
grace we can do NOTHING. So, going to the altar refers to our fellowship with Jesus and our ability to
receive the grace necessary for bearing fruit and obeying His will.
When we owe someone forgiveness, either by the asking or giving, God says we first must clear this up
before we can expect His blessing and grace. What are the gifts in Matthew 5:23? “Therefore if you bring
your gif to the altar…” We know that bringing sacrifices to the temple was a common practice for the
Jews as part of atoning for their sins. Our gifts today are praise, tithes, worship, obedience, and service
to Him.
Yet Jesus said He will not receive these gifts if you owe anyone reconciliation.
I Samuel 15:22 says, “Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the
voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams.” So we see
that service and work for God will not fix this problem.
In 1 Corinthians 11:26-32, we are exhorted to examine ourselves before we take communion: “For as
ofen as you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death till He comes. Therefore
whoever eats this bread or drinks this cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of the body
and blood of the Lord. But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of the bread and drink of the
cup. For he who eats and drinks in an unworthy manner eats and drinks judgment to himself, not
discerning the Lord’s body. For this reason many are weak and sick among you, and many sleep. For if
we would judge ourselves, we would not be judged. But when we are judged, we are chastened by the
Lord, that we may not be condemned with the world.”
How often do Christians come to church and partake of communion without first examining their hearts
to see if they are harboring bitterness, and/or have sinned against someone, and do not repent or plan
on being reconciled with that person/s?
The word reconcile means to make things right; to change one’s feelings or perspective toward another;
or to pay a debt owed.
Romans 13:8 tells us, “Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has
fulfilled the law.” As Christians, we have a debt to pay that God Himself says we owe to others: to love
them in thought, word, and deed. This also includes forgiving those who have hurt us. Many Christians
are harboring bitterness, resentment, or un-forgiveness toward someone, and justifying these feelings
because this person has not yet paid any consequence, or taken responsibility for their behavior. It is a
fact of life for all people: we will be hurt by others, even those who are supposed to love us. Even your
spouse can hurt you both ignorantly and/or deliberately.
The word forgive is a verb, or an action. God is using His Word to speak to you right now, revealing truth
that requires action. Forgiving is not easy; it can help to seek the support and accountability of a mature
Christian to encourage you to follow through.
Write out your commitment to forgive your spouse, or to ask for forgiveness for what God revealed to
you.
Give yourself a deadline to follow through!

Matthew 6:14, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive
you.”
Keep these points in mind when either speaking or

communicating in writing:
1. You are doing this out of obedience to your Heavenly Father who loves and cares for you.
He wants you to be free from the bondage and oppression you have been experiencing as a result
of unforgiveness.
2. You do not have to rehearse every detail of their offense against you.
Many times, especially when forgiving a spouse, they may be unaware of all they may have done
to hurt you.
3. Do not compel others to admit their offenses.

God has called you to obey, not to be a prosecuting attorney, jury, judge, or to try and make them
confess that what they did was wrong!
4. Keep it short.
In many cases, due to the high level of emotion, we can find ourselves saying things we didn’t
intend to say and actually undermine the purpose of the meeting, conversation or letter.
5. Finally (if applicable), ask forgiveness for harboring bitterness toward them.
Remember that what they may have done was wrong and offensive, but bitterness and
unforgiveness is equally wrong.
Romans 2:16, “In the day when God will judge the secrets of men by Jesus Christ, according to my
gospel.”
Romans 2:1, “Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in
whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things.”
“The degree to which I am able and willing to forgive others is a clear indication of the
extent to which I have personally experienced God my Father’s forgiveness for me.”
—Phillip Keller

Maintaining Your Commitment to Forgive

You may encounter a battle between the Spirit and the flesh after you have asked for forgiveness or have
forgiven another person.
Galatians 5:22-26, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those
who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the
Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another,
envying one another.”
The forgiveness experience will change you and your relationships over time. God has had a major
victory in your life, bringing you to this place of surrender and obedience. But this is only the beginning;
now you must press in and work through the needed changes. This will require that you seek God daily
for His strength to continue on your path of mercy and compassion.
Ephesians 6:12, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities,
against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of
wickedness in the heavenly places.”
You must keep in mind that your obedience in forgiving was not so that your spouse would change. If
they surrender their will to the Lord, they will experience God’s grace, healing and the ability to change.
Only God can change our hearts and renew our minds, but it will only happen as we surrender to Him.
We are involved in a spiritual battle every day. The enemy, Satan, does not want you to obey God or have
victory over sin and hurts; therefore, he will attack your mind with past memories, evil thoughts, lies,
temptations, and condemnation. You must exercise mental self-control and remember what and whom
you are battling!
Ephesians 4:26,27, “Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath,
nor give an opportunity to the devil.”
This is the reality in which we live! Satan hates to lose ground in your life. He wants to rob you of God’s
peace and joy.

How do I stop giving the devil opportunities to work his

destruction in my life?
1. Test each thought that enters your mind by God’s Word to see if it is from Him, from your flesh,
or from the enemy.
2 Corinthians 10:3-5, “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to
the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling
down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself
against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience
of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.”
Philippians 4:8, “Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are
noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely,
whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything
praiseworthy – meditate on these things.”
2. Pray in every temptation, asking for God’s power to do His will.
Romans 12:21, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Romans 15:13, “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing,
that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
3. Resist and rebuke the devil in the name of Jesus – FIGHT!
Jude 1:9, “Yet Michael the archangel, in contending with the devil…dared not bring
against him a reviling accusation, but said, “The Lord rebuke you!”
1 Peter 5:6-9, “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God…casting all
your care upon Him, for He cares for you…your adversary the devil walks about like a
roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith…”
2 Corinthians 2:9-11, “… I have forgiven that one for your sakes in the presence of
Christ, lest Satan take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices.”
God wants you to be victorious. Be aware of the devil’s devices; unforgiveness is one of his most
powerful tactics to keep us in bondage! Jesus showed the importance of using the Scripture to combat
Satan’s deceptions (Matt 4:4, 7, 10). Develop an action plan by using any of the verses above, or the
many verses in this study, to combat unbiblical thoughts and to set your mind on God’s perspective. Use
a 3x5 index card, write out a verse, and memorize it by carrying the card with you and reviewing it in the
morning and night. Continue to add to your victory kit by continuing to add verses. As you pray over and
memorize these scriptures, you are hiding God’s Word in your heart (Ps 119:11). This will be your victory;
quote scriptures to replace evil thoughts, reinforce God’s truth, and to answer the enemy as Jesus did.
When Satan brought lies to Jesus, He said, “It is written…” (Matt 4:4, 7) and He quoted Scripture. We
must do the same; truth will always prevail!
You must keep in mind that you are only responsible for your part of reconciliation. Regardless of the
position your spouse takes, you must obey God by asking for forgiveness and giving forgiveness. If your
spouse refuses to grant you forgiveness, or they do not acknowledge their wrong toward you, God will
still bless you for your obedience and pour out His peace, grace, and mercy upon your life. You will still
experience His freedom from bondage.
You cannot place any expectations or requirements upon what the other person may say or do, but
surrender all to the Lord and trust Him to work in the midst of your circumstances. We must not lean on
our own understanding, but obey and surrender to God and His will. He has given us spiritual laws to
govern, protect, and set us free. His Word gives us understanding and instruction on how to follow these
laws. Our flesh, pride and fear will keep us from trusting and obeying God in these situations, but
through the power of the Holy Spirit, we can overcome.
Proverbs 3:5,6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.”
PRAY THIS PRAYER:

“Lord Jesus, I pray for the strength to trust You in these circumstances. Help me to
remember that I am doing this for You. I know you alone can heal me or my spouse for the
wrong we have done to each other. I pray for reconciliation with my spouse, but I know
that I can only do my part. I pray for my spouse to surrender to You that You might be
glorified. I trust you entirely with the results. In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen”
Conclusion
It can be extremely difficult to forgive, but life is harder when we do not forgive because we are
harboring sin and missing out on what Jesus did for us on the cross. Our experience of God’s forgiveness

is directly related to our ability to forgive others. A readiness to forgive others is one indication that you
have truly repented of your own sin, surrendered your life, and received God’s forgiveness. A
surrendered heart toward God cannot be a hard heart toward others.
Pride and fear keep us from forgiveness and reconciliation. Refusing to give in or be broken, insisting on
your rights, and defending yourself are all indications that selfish pride is ruling your life, rather than the
Lord. When fear of “what-if…?” is consuming and controlling you, pray for the faith to trust and obey
God. Enemies are very expensive to keep; Matthew 18:21-35, warns that an unforgiving spirit will put
you in an emotional prison.
“The first and ofen the only person to be healed by forgiveness is the person who does
the forgiving… When we genuinely forgive, we set a prisoner free and then discover that
the prisoner we set free was us.”
—Lewis Smedes

Appendix Q Glossary
Abide: “To stay, remain, to continue in a place, to endure without yielding.”
Affirm: means to confirm, assert as valid, assert positively.
Agape: The response of God’s heart toward unworthy sinners; God’s love demonstrated in self-sacrifice
for the benefit of the objects of His love. “God’s essential quality that seeks the best interests of others
regardless of the others’ actions.” “It involves God doing what He knows is best for man and not
necessarily what man desires…His son to bring forgiveness to man.” It is choosing to love.
Arrogant or proud: to be conceited; feeling or showing self-importance, disregard for others. Prideful;
giving oneself high rank, or an undue degree of significance.
Bears all things: bears, stego (Greek), means to hide, to conceal. Love hides the faults of others, or
covers them up. It keeps out resentment as the ship keeps out the water, or the roof the rain.
Believing: is pisteuo (Greek), and means having faith in, or to be firmly persuaded in something. It
indicates that there is an attitude of expectant hope.
Brag: to talk about oneself, or things pertaining to oneself, in a boastful manner; to boast.
Companion: one who has accompanied, or is in company, with another; a spouse, an associate, an
interest of some special relationship as a spouse, or comrade.
Comparable: means one who is the counterpart, the other side, a part opposite, a mate, a companion,
but not identical.
Compromise: to settle differences by mutual consensuses.
Correction: God’s Word tells us how to restore something to its proper condition, setting upright
something that has fallen, pointing to godly living.
442 | appEnDix Q
Defile: miano (Greek), to stain with color as the staining of glass, to tinge, pollute, defile.
Discipline: Hupopiazo (Greek), was used to describe boxers giving knockout blows; punches to the part of
the face right under the eyes, until they were black and blue. (Related passages: 1 Timothy 4:7-8; Jude 3;
2 Peter 1:5-6.)
Divine power: power is dunamis (Greek), which translates as dynamic strength, or ability to do what only
God can do.
Doctrine: God’s divine instruction provides a comprehensive and complete body of divine truth
necessary for life, godliness and family.
Edification: oikodome (Greek), means to build up for the spiritual profit or advancement of someone
else, and also used to indicate building up a house or structure.
Endure all things: to endure, hupomeno (Greek), means to abide under, to bear up under, suffer, as a
load of miseries. Also patient acquiescence, holding its ground when it can no longer believe nor hope.
Enraptured: sagah (Hebrew) Isaiah used this verb to suggest swerving, meandering, or reeling in
drunkenness (Isa. 28:7). At times, it could define intoxication, not only from wine or beer but also from
love (Prov.
5:19, 20).
Envy: this is discontent or uneasiness at the sight of another’s excellence or good fortune, accompanied
with some degree of hatred and a desire to possess equal advantages; malicious grudging.
Expectation: means the anticipation or notion of something happening, an expected standard.
Forsake: means to deny. This verse is telling us to daily align our priorities to God’s Word, which places
His will over ours.
Gentle: “denotes seemly, fitting; hence, equitable, fair, moderate, forbearing, not insisting on the letter
of the law; it expresses that considerateness that looks humanely and reasonably at the facts of a case.”
Genuineness: dokimion (Greek), means something that has been tested and approved. It was used to
describe metals that had been through a process to remove all impurities.
aPPeNDIx Q: GlOSSaRY
appEnDix Q | 443
Glorify: To reflect, to honor, praise, to give esteem or honor by putting Him into an honorable position.
Heart: Lebab (Hebrew), meaning heart, mind, inner person. The primary usage of this word describes the
entire disposition of the inner person. Kardia (Greek, is the seat of the desires, feelings, affections,
passions, impulses, i.e., the heart or mind.
Helper: azar (Hebrew), a verb meaning to aid, to support, give encouragement, one who surrounds,
protects, and helps another.
Helper: Ezer (Hebrew), refers to aid or assistance that is given…indicates persons who give help: the
woman created as Adam’s complementary helper (Gen. 2:18, 20); the word also refers to the Lord as
Israel’s help (Hos. 13:9); the Lord as Israel’s chief Helper (Ex. 18:4; Deut. 33:7; Ps. 33:20; 115:9–11).
Helper: is one who comes along and assists, not leads, but assists.
Instruction in righteousness: Scripture provides positive training (“instruction” originally referred to

training a child) in godly behavior, not merely rebuke and correction of wrong behavior (Acts 20:32; 1
Tim. 4:6; 1 Pet. 2:1,2).
Kind: chrestos (Greek), to do good; denotes being gentle, merciful, sympathetic, gracious and good
natured in contrast to harsh, hard, sharp, bitter or cruel. The term also expresses the idea of moral
excellence.
Knowledge of Him: knowledge is epignosis (Greek), which means thorough participation in acquiring
knowledge.
Longsuffering, or patience: to be long-tempered, the opposite of hasty anger, instead it involves

exercising understanding and patience toward people. It also requires that we endure circumstances, not
losing faith or giving up.
Meditate: In the Biblical world, meditation was not a silent practice. It meant to moan, utter or growl
muttering sounds, like reading half aloud or conversing with oneself, interacting with the text so that it
would soak into your mind. As a tea bag soaking in water permeates the liquid, so meditating on
Scriptures permeates our minds.
Minister: (noun) A servant or waiter, one who oversees, governs and fulfills.
Minister: (verb) To adjust, regulate and set in order; to serve, render service to another; to labor for the
Lord as a servant.
444 | appEnDix Q
Not rejoicing in unrighteousness (iniquity): this means that when you see someone fall into sin, or make
a mistake, you are not happy about it and/or vindictive toward him or her.
Perfected: teleio (Greek), translates “to make complete,” which indicates that something is in process.
“Particularly with the meaning to bring to a full end, completion, reaching the intended goal, to finish a
work or duty.”
Phileo: The response of the human spirit to what appeals to it as pleasurable. “Phileo seems to be clearly
distinct (from agape) and speaks of esteem, high regard, and tender affection and is more emotional.”
Phileo is friendship love, determined by the pleasure that one receives from the object of that love.
Phileo is conditional love.
Preference: what one prefers, before or above another. It is neither right nor wrong but personal
preference.
Provide: pronoeo (Greek), means “to give careful thought to, take thought for, take into consideration,
have regard for, to think about beforehand in a solicitous manner, to care for in providing for someone
else.” Purpose: an intended, or desired, result or goal.
React: The dictionary defines the word react in the following way: “to act in response to a stimulant or to
stimulus, to act in opposition.”
Reacting in the Flesh: can be defined as a Christian reacting to a situation in a sinful manner, in the habit
of their old fallen nature, or reacting in their own strength and understanding rather than the power and
wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
Rejoicing in the truth: this means that you have great joy, or you are able to rejoice at what is true,
based on God’s promises.
Repent: To resolve; to amend one’s life as a result of contrition for one’s sins; to feel regret for one has
done or omitted to do before God. To turn around and go another direction; to change one’s mind, will
and life, resulting in a change of behavior; to do things another way.
Reproof: God’s Word tells us what is wrong or sinful in belief and behavior.
Respond: According to the dictionary, when we respond to someone, we “react positively or favorably.”
aPPeNDIx Q: GlOSSaRY
appEnDix Q | 445
Responding in love: For a Christian, this means responding to a situation with the inward guidance, love,
wisdom and power of the Holy Spirit.
Rightly dividing: has the idea of cutting something straight as you would in carpentry, masonry or with
cutting a piece of cloth to be sewn together.
Rude: characterized by roughness; harsh, severe, ugly, indecent, or offensive in manner or action.
Satisfy: rawah (Hebrew) A verb meaning to give water, to drench; to drink one’s fill. It refers to giving
someone a drink literally and figuratively (Ps. 36:8[9]; 65:10 [11). It means to drink all that one wants, to
satisfy (Prov. 5:19; 7:18).
Security: is the state of being free from danger or threat, having confidence that one is secure, and that
one’s wellbeing is assured by another, as in a wife resting securely in the husband’s leadership.
Seek and set your mind: Imperative verbs, indicating the action is a continual process. “Seek” means to
look for and strive to find. “Set your mind” refers to the will, affections and conscience.
Seek first: A command to do and never stop. The promise is that when you do, “all these things shall be
added to you.” When interpreting “all these things” you need to take into account that this sermon starts
at Matt. 5:1, known as the Sermon on the Mount. The immediate context (v 31) speaks of food, drink
and clothing; if Christ will take care of those needs when we seek Him first, how much more will He give
us all things for our marriages.
Seek your own way: this is a person who pursues what best fits their own interests, without any concern
of how their actions or ways affect others. This person is not willing to receive input, which includes
instruction from God’s perspective or their spouse.
Study: this word is an imperative verb, meaning it is a command to do and to continue to do. The word
denotes a zealous persistence, to be diligent, to make every effort to do one’s best, to be eager and
earnest in accomplishing a goal.
Submit: hupotasso (Greek), which is defined as a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming
responsibility, and carrying a burden.
Thinks no evil: logizomai (Greek), is used as an accounting term, meaning to put things together in one’s
mind, to count or add up, to occupy oneself with calculations.
446 | appEnDix Q
Thoroughly equipped for every good work: It is God’s intention for us to both understand His will and be
empowered to follow through in obedience, by following the biblical principles in His Word.
To glorify: means to reflect, to honor, praise, to give esteem or honor by putting Him into an honorable
position.
Transformed: is metamorphóō (Greek), from which we derive our English word metamorphosis: to
change into something entirely different, as a caterpillar to a butterfly.
Truth: comes from the Word of God, makes clear what is wright and wrong.
Workmanship: poiema (Greek), from which we get our English word poem. Means to make something, a
work, a workpiece, workmanship, and or masterpiece.
appEnDix Q | 447

Marriage-Discipleship-Workbook-English 2 PDF

Enviado por

Dados do documento

Título original

Direitos autorais

Formatos disponíveis

Compartilhar este documento

Compartilhar ou incorporar documento

Opções de compartilhamento

Você considera este documento útil?

Este conteúdo é inapropriado?

Direitos autorais:

Formatos disponíveis

Marriage-Discipleship-Workbook-English 2 PDF

Enviado por

Direitos autorais:

Formatos disponíveis

131 Benney La ne, STE B #102

Dripp ing Spring s, TX 78620

Marriage Disciplesh ip Workbook

Print and Electr onic Version Copyright © 2015 b y Craig

Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Introduction to Marriage Discipleship

Week 1: God’s Purposes for

Week 3: Our Greatest Companionship

Week 4: The Husband’s Companionship

Biblical Companionship Needs ............................................................................................139 A

Week 5: The Wife’s Companionship

Embrace Repentance and Change ..................................................................... 186

Week 6: Sexual Fulfillment In

Common Unbiblical Perceptions about Sex ......................................................................225

Week 7: What Is Godly

3) Be Humble ..................................................................................................... 275

effective listening Self-

“Preference” and “Truth” are Different ............................................................. 337

Starting each Day

DIG DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

marriage, and what God expects from you as a spouse. b Self-Examination

DIG DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

DIG DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

Question Past experience

DIG DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

Where should we be getting our information, wisdom, or instruction?

DIG DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

The Right expectations for Marriage

DIG DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

DIG DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

Ephesians 6:6, “…not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ,

2 Pew Research Social and Demographic Trends, Publication Date: 12/14/11.

understanding, enlightenment and do reveal how a marriage is to function. b Self-Examination

a better Perspective on God’s Word

Read and meditate on the following Scripture:

Instruction in righteousness – Scripture provides positive training (“instruction” originally

5 The MacArthur Study Bible, ed. John MacArthur, 2 Ti 3:16.

Read 1 Thessalonians 2:13 and answer the questions below:

DIG DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

What should be our attitude toward the Word of God?

DIG DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

Introduction: The Ministry of Marriage

Have you seen your role as that of a minister?  Yes  No

DIG DEEPER – FURTHER STUDY

The Right blueprint

In Matthew 12:25, Jesus revealed a self-evident truth:

divided against itself will not stand.” b Self-Examination 6

DIG DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

The Four Purposes

First Purpose: God’s Glorification

Second Purpose: Our Transformation

7 Spiros Zodhiates, The Complete Word Study Dictionary: #5048.

and comes to desire God’s will in all things. b Self-Examination 8

DIG DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

Do you still have room to grow in this area?  Yes  No

right hand of the throne of God.” b Self-Examination 10

Isaiah 29:16, New Living Translation, says:

Third Purpose: To Meet Each Other’s Companionship Needs

8 The MacArthur Study Bible, ed. John MacArthur, Ge 2:24.

God instructs husbands:

God instructs wives:

DIG DEEPER: FURTHER STUDY

2 Corinthians 5:7, “For we walk by faith, not by sight.”