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I believed in God then. Now, I'm not so certain he exists, at least not
the god of the Church of the Apocalypse. You see, I was the one
hundred forty-four thousandth.
Reverend Jones later said that they had miscounted, that another
thousand had to be initiated to satisfy God, but I don't think another
ten thousand would do the trick. I no longer believe in Reverend Jones
or in the Church.
No one leaves the Church. During the time I belonged to it, I never
heard of anyone leaving, at least not an Initiate. Once one made that
kind of commitment, he couldn't very well leave. He became one of the
Sacred, one of the angels.
I might not have been the first Initiate to leave, but I'm the only one I
know of. According to the Church -- since I left -- I'm condemned to
Hell. Perhaps my sin will require another ten thousand Initiates.
Perhaps Reverend Jones blames me for the delaying the second
coming. Maybe my leaving proves that I was never a worthy Initiate in
the first place.
"Sex and the need for it, separates Man from the angels," he said. "And
man is weak. He can't obtain salvation through will power alone. He
must first be purified. Only through purification can he achieve eternal
life. Only those who have been purified will be admitted to heaven. The
Bible says there is only room enough for one hundred forty-four
thousand in Heaven. Once one hundred forty-four thousand have been
purified, the world will end, all sinners will perish, leaving only the
Sacred, those purified, alive to experience the Kingdom of Heaven.
Only through the Church of the Apocalypse can a man be saved."
There was more, of course, but that was the gist of his sermon:
salvation was only obtainable through the Church and only available to
those willing to be purified. Since that service was open to the general
public, there was no mention of what purification entailed.
We didn't join that first day, but I could tell my father was interested,
and my father wasn't one to consult first with anyone else, not with my
mother, and certainly not with me. If he decided to join, we would join.
The next Sunday we joined. After the service, Reverend Jones met with
us in his office. "You realize," he said to my father, "we don't accept just
anyone. We want only those who love the Lord and are willing to offer
proof of that devotion, because if you join, you won't just be joining a
church, you will be gaining entrance to Heaven. Are you committed?"
Reverend Jones looked at Joshua and me. "Would you, like Abraham,
sacrifice one of these boys, if God asks?"
After staring at my father for a moment, the reverend said, "I believe
you would, Brother Saenko, but God doesn't require their lives. He
requires something from them -- and from you as well -- but not their
lives."
I was relieved to hear that, because if my father really believed that God
required my life, I had no doubt that he would have wielded the
sacrificial knife and taken it.
It's not that he didn't love me. It's just that he loved God more, loving
him more than his own life or the life of any member of his family.
"Yes."
"As I've said in my sermons, sex separates man from God. Do you think
God or the angels have a penis and testicles?"
"I -- I'd really never thought about it," said my father, "but now that
you mention it, I suppose not."
Just like that, my father had promised God my penis and testicles. I
couldn't have been more shocked had he said, "Take him out and kill
him." Maybe I would have been even less shocked at that. He'd already
said he'd give my life to God, but my penis and testicles -- I'd never
thought of that possibility. I'd never thought God would want them.
I knew sex was evil. My father had said it before I attended one of
Reverend Jones's sermons. And I knew it was difficult not to give into
sexual gratification. You see, I had masturbated -- more than once. I'm
ashamed to say.
I didn't do it often, especially after the beating my father gave me, after
catching me at it. Although he beat me often to drive the wickedness
from me, that was the worst beating I ever got.
I always felt both guilty and scared afterward, guilty because I'd given
into temptation, scared that my father would find out. I had to be
careful not to any of the juices on my sheets or underwear.
I had a wet dream once and got it all over my pajamas. When my
mother washed them, she saw the stain. I almost got another beating
because of it, narrowly avoiding it by convincing her that it'd happened
in my sleep. She must have believed me, because she didn't tell my
father. He would beat me, if she had, even though I hadn't
masturbated.
Well, if the Reverend cut off my penis and testicles, I wouldn't have
that worry any more, would I? Still, that meant I wouldn't ever have a
family of my own. I'd often thought about having a son of my own,
promising myself that I wouldn't beat the wickedness out of him like
my father beat it out of me.
Joshua, only eight at the time, was a little confused about what the
reverend had just said. "What am I going to have to sacrifice?" he
asked.
"We'll schedule the younger one for tomorrow. Since he hasn't reached
puberty yet, we'llremove both his penis and testiclesin one operation.
It's a much simpler operation on a boy that hasn't gone through
puberty. We'll castrate the older boy the next day, then cut off his penis
a month or so later."
Joshua started crying. "I don't want my wee-wee cut off," he said.
I didn't want mine cut off either. I promised God that I'd try harder not
to masturbate, if I could keep it. I wanted to keep my testicles, too, just
in case I might someday want to have children, but I especially wanted
to keep my penis. I liked having it.
I wanted to cry, too, but I didn't dare. Joshua had already earned
the look from Father, and the look always meant a beating once we
were home.
I looked over at Mother, but she said nothing. It probably didn't mean
much to her that her husband was about to lose his penis and testicles.
Knowing my father, he probably never had sex with her anyway. He
wouldn't have used birth control, and since it'd been eight years since
they'd had a kid, I figured they no longer had sex.
Still, it wasn't just her husband that was about to lose his genitals, but
her sons as well. I would have thought she could show a little concern
about that, but she didn't. Like me, she probably knew better than to go
against my father's wishes.
"I don't want you boys to be concerned," said Reverend Jones. "You
won't feel a thing. For your operation," he said to Joshua, "the doctor
will put you to sleep. You'll be a little sore for a while afterward, but
you're young. You'll be well before you know it. And you're doubly
blessed. You'll never be tainted by sex. Forever pure, you'll become one
of our angels."
Then, turning to me, he said, "Have you masturbated?"
"Yes, I thought you had," said Reverend Jones. "How old are you?"
"NO SIR!" I said. I hadn't, but I wouldn't have admitted to it, if I had,
certainly not in front of my mother and father.
"No" again. I had touched Joshua's but that really didn't count, did it? I
used to have to change him when he was a baby and we sometimes
bathed together. It wasn't like I ever tried to beat him off or anything.
"If you're telling me the truth, it shouldn't be too difficult to purify you.
Once you're rid of your testicles you should no longer have impure
thoughts. It's just too bad that we couldn't have got to you when you
were as young as your brother. He's the fortunate one. He won't need
further purification."
Just like that, they had decided. My father was about to have his
testicles cut off, my brother would have both his penis and testicles cut
off tomorrow, and I'd lose my balls the next day; and no one had asked
me if it was OK. We walked across the street from the church to the
compound where the church clinic was.
She wouldn't look at me. "Your father agreed to it," she said.
That was that. Whatever he said was the final word in our family.
An hour and a half or two hours later my father walked out. Dressed,
he didn't look any different than he had when he had gone in. Possibly
he walked a little gingerly, but other than that, he seemed all right.
My father had just had his balls cut off, and he didn't seem to mind a
bit -- was even happy about it. Would I be? I wondered. Would I be
glad to be rid of my balls. Other than wanting to someday have kids, I
guess I really didn't need them; and without them, I probably wouldn't
need to masturbate.
But no one was going to ask. My father had agreed to it. That's all that
mattered to my mother, to Reverend Jones, or to my father.
I didn't go with my father and Joshua the next day. His operation was
going to take several hours and they would keep him for a few days
afterward. When my father came home I asked him, "Did they do it?"
"Yes," said Father, "I'm proud of your brother. He's now an angel."
"They cut it all off?" I asked, "his penis and his testicles." I almost said
balls, but caught myself in time. It would have earned me at least a slap
across the face, if I had said balls.
"Yes," said Father, "the doctor made him a pee hole between his legs."
My father had had his balls cut off. My brother had had both his penis
and balls cut off, and I was to have my balls cut off the next day. I
masturbated that night, not once, but five times. It might be the last
chance I had to do it. I didn't know if I'd even want to once my balls
were cut off.
At 9:30, I heard his car pull into the driveway. When he walked in, I
said, "I don't want to go through with it. I don't want to be castrated."
"Didn't I tell you how proud I was of Josh? Don't you want me to be
proud of you, too? It doesn't hurt. Look at me. It's hardly slowed me
down at all."
That didn't mean much. They could have cut off his legs, and if it had
been for God, that wouldn't have fazed him.
"Children are nothing but a burden. You're fortunate that you won't
have any. Besides the time of the rapture is nigh. You don't want to be
left behind. What is more important: your testicles or your immortal
soul?"
I didn't want to go to Hell, but I didn't want to have my balls cut off
either. "Can't we just wait awhile?" I asked.
"They're waiting for you now. I've given my word that you, too, would
be purified. I'm not about to go back on my word. Now, get in the car."
He said it with that tone, the one that brooked no argument. I got in
the car.
The reverend was waiting for us at the clinic. "Bless you, boy," he said,
"Today, you dedicate yourself to God. I know you're frightened," -- Was
it that obvious? -- "but it won't hurt a bit. The doctor will give you a few
shots that will deaden everything down there, and it'll be all over before
you know it."
Yeah, but I would no longer have any balls. "Can I see Josh first," I
asked.
"Certainly," said the reverend, "I don't see anything wrong with that.
He's a little sore, though, but he had a penectomy, too. That's much
more involved. You're just having an orchiectomy. That's a much
simpler operation. The doctor won't even put you to sleep for it.
I looked on the end of his bed. A bag, about half full of piss hung from
it, a tube running from it to under the sheets, and I supposed, to Josh.
I didn't want to go, but I really had no more choice that Josh had. At
least, I'd get to keep my pecker for a while longer. Josh hurt. He might
not have felt it when they did it, but he hurt now.
The doctor had me lie on a table. The nurse swabbed some brown
liquid all over my crotch, my pecker, and my balls, then gave me some
shots in and around my ball sack. They hurt. They told me it wouldn't
hurt, but those shots hurt. Then I had to lie on the table waiting for the
shots to take effect.
After about fifteen or twenty minutes, the doctor came back in, poked
at me some around my ball sack, but I didn't feel anything, so he said,
"Here we go." The nurse had given me a pillow so I could raise my head
high enough to watch.
I still didn't want my balls cut off, but there was nothing I could do
about it. Knowing my dad, he would have strapped me to the table, had
I tried to leave; and the table had straps.
Although they didn't strap me down, I saw the straps hanging from the
table. I had no doubt that they would have used them, if I'd tried to get
away. They had probably used them on other boys like me.
First the doctor slit open my ball sack from top to bottom, exposing
both my balls. They were all bloody, so I couldn't see them well
While the nurse held onto the cords of my right ball with some forceps,
he tied some sutures around the cords. Then he snipped through the
cords with a little pair of scissors. Just like that. It was gone. My right
ball was gone. It didn't hurt, but I wanted it back. I didn't want to be a
eunuch. That's what they call a boy with no balls.
Next, she held my left ball while he tied off the cords to it. Another
snip, and it was gone. He cut off most of the skin making up my balls
sack, then stitched it together. The skin below my pecker was tight and
smooth. Other than for the stitches, it didn't look like I'd ever had balls.
I walked out of the operating room, stopping in to see Josh on the way
out. "Did they do it?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said. I was trying to put on a brave front. I didn't want to cry
in front of Josh. They'd only cut off my balls. They'd cut off his pecker,
too.
"Did it hurt?"
"The shots hurt some," I said, but not when he cut off my balls." I could
say balls. Neither my father or the reverend were in the room.
"You're lucky," he said, "they just cut off your balls. It really hurts to
have your pecker cut off." He lost it. "Why did they have to cut off my
pecker?" he said, crying. I wouldn't care if they'd just cut off my balls,
but I liked having a pecker. How will I pee, now?"
"Father said they made you a new pee hole between your legs. You'll
just have to sit down to pee."
"Like a girl," said Josh.
I was sore for about a week, but it wasn't bad. I was still able to
masturbate. I tried it just to see if I still could. I felt guilty for doing it,
hoping I wasn't going to Hell for doing it; but God had my balls; and
he'd soon have my pecker. Wasn't that enough?
With that, everyone else, also wearing robes, took them off. No one in
the place had any balls. Most didn't have peckers, not even Reverend
Jones. I felt weird about everyone being naked, but if no one has a
pecker or balls, there's not much to see.
One boy about my age came up to me. He didn't have either pecker or
balls. "I'll bet you can't wait to be rid of your pecker," he said.
"I -- I don't know," I said. "They cut off my brother's and he says it
really hurts."
"You what?"
"I cut my own off. Lot's of people do. If you're a real believer, you will,
too."
"How old is he? asked the boy. By that time, I had learned his name
was Robert.
"Eight," I said.
"Well, you wouldn't expect a little boy to cut off his own pecker," said
Robert. "But you're what, fourteen or fifteen?"
"Fourteen," I said.
"No," some people do, but I didn't. I just cut off my pecker."
"Didn't it hurt?"
"I don't rightly remember. I was feeling the rapture. All I felt was the
presence of God. I remember holding the knife up to it, but I don't
remember much after that."
What had I got myself into? I was among a bunch of crazy people who
went around cutting off their own peckers. I had a hard enough time
digging out a splinter.
"I'm James," he said, "So you just got your balls cut off?"
"Yes, on Wednesday a week ago. When did you get yours cut off?"
"Isn't it almost time for you to get your pecker cut off?"
"In two or three weeks," he said, looking no happier about it than I was.
"NO," he said, "I'm not that crazy. If they want to cut mine off, they'll
have to knock me out first. It wasn't my idea to have my balls cut off.
They had to strap me down to the table. I'd run away, if I could, but
they watch me all the time."
"You don't believe you're saving your soul by giving up your pecker and
balls?"
'Hell no!" I was shocked. I'd never heard anyone in the Church cuss.
"Do you believe that crap?"
"Why are you telling me this? Aren't you afraid I'll tell someone?"
"I don't care if you do. Everyone knows how I feel. Besides, I think you
feel the same way. Tell me," he said, "did you want them to cut off your
balls?"
"I didn't think so. Are you going to cut off your own cock?"
Cock? I'd never called my pecker a cock. It was a wee-wee when I was
younger and a pecker or penis now. I could just imagine the beating I'd
get from my father if I ever said cock. I said it to James, though, feeling
somehow deliciously wicked. "No, I don't even want them to cut my
cock off?"
"They watch me too close, but you could get away," he said.
"To the cops. Tell them what's going on here. It's against the law to
castrate a kid, even if he's your own."
"But would they believe me?" I asked. I knew a few weeks ago I
wouldn't have believed such a thing possible.
"I saw you talking to James Whitley," said Reverend Jones. "What was
he talking to you about?"
"Oh, nothing," I said, "We were just talking."
"James is undergoing a little crises. His faith is being tested, but he'll
come around. In the meantime, I'd rather you stay away from him."
"Yes, Sir," I said. It didn't look like I was going to get the chance to talk
to James, anyway. Two men hustled him from the hall.
Josh came home from the clinic; and I got to see what he looked like
without a cock or balls -- I called it a cock in my mind now. He had
stitches down his front, and a little hole below them, down between his
legs. I showed him what I looked like without balls. "Weird," he said.
I didn't beat off any more. There just didn't seem to be any point in it;
and I hardly ever woke up with a boner. Being a eunuch wasn't as bad
as I thought it would be. But I still didn't want to lose my cock. I wasn't
about to cut it off myself.
There was a great seal ceremony the following week, but not yet for me.
James was in it, though. One man and two boys lost their cocks in that
ceremony, James being one of the boys. I expected him to fight it, but
he didn't. I think he'd been drugged. He didn't even seem to know
where he was.
He didn't cut off his own cock, though. His father cut if off for him. Just
as he did, James must have realized what was about to happen,
because he screamed, "No."
It was too late by then. His father had already sliced through his cock.
There was a lot of blood. Some men put ice on his bloody crotch and
rushed him a to the clinic, where the doctor would finish what James's
father had started.
I felt guilty because I had done nothing to save James, but what could I
have done? If I had gone to the police, they'd have taken away my
mother and father. Then where would Josh and I be? We'd be freaks
anywhere else -- him with no cock or balls and me with no balls.
I wished I'd been done at his age. Then I would have never had to feel
guilty about masturbating, and I wouldn't be having my cock cut off in
the Great Seal Ceremony, because that's what I'd learned to expect. The
doctor wasn't going to cut my cock off. Either I would, or my father
would do it for me.
My father cut off his own the following week, giving me a reprieve,
since I hadn't agreed to cut my own off. He would need some time to
heal before he would be able to attend my ceremony and cut mine off.
James wasn't at the ceremony, but he'd only had his cock cut off the
week before. It would be some time before he would be well enough to
attend one.
My turn came three weeks later. I was the only one being cut that week.
"This boy," announced Reverend Jones, "is the one hundred forty-four
thousandth to receive the Great Seal. His cutting will usher in the
Kingdom of God." He handed me the knife. "It's only fitting that you
cut off your Key to the Abyss yourself."
I began swaying in time to the music and the chants, "Do it," I heard
over and over. "God wants you to do it."
I missed my cock a lot more than I missed my balls. I kept reaching for
it whenever I had to pee, just the habit of fourteen years I guess.
If you ask me, I think he's dead. I'm not saying who killed him, or for
sure that someone did, but I think he's dead. Nothing else makes any
sense. If he'd run away, he would have brought the cops.
The Kingdom didn't come with my receiving the Great Seal. Nor did it
come with all the castrations that followed, that continue today.
I don't know what the excuse is now. I left in the middle of the night
when I was eighteen, without a word to anyone, not even to Josh. He
would have told, if I'd said anything to him. He's an angel, after all. He
believes.
Maybe he's right, but I no longer believe. I'd cut off my cock to bring
about the rapture, but it didn't happen.
I never went to the cops, like James said he would. What's the use? I've
already lost my cock and balls. Going to the cops won't get them back.
Certainly, it might save other boys from losing theirs, but the church in
Portland is only one of many all around the world. Even if it was
stopped here, it would continue elsewhere.
Besides, they could be right. Maybe God does require the cocks and
balls of the faithful.
I never tell anyone about the church, afraid that I'll run into a member
of it, and that what happened to James would happen to me. This is the
first time I've ever told anyone about it and about what goes on there.