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You're listening to KACL,

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780 on your AM dial.

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This is Dr Frasier Crane.

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Our lines are open.
So please give us a call.

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I'm just sitting here waiting.

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Seattle, come on,
I know you're out there.

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I realise it's a sunny day,

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but on the rainy days
I was there for you.

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All right, if that's the way you want it,
you leave me no recourse.

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# When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza... #

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Ah, seems I got you going there, OK!
All right, then.

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I knew you were out there.

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OK, Roz, who do we have?

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We have Gary on line two.
He and his wife had a fight.

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Sorry to hear that, Gary. I'm listening.

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'My wife's hell-bent
on going to Italy this year.'

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Ah, Italia!

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The rolling hills of Toscana,
the art of Firenze,

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the passion that is Venezia!

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'Yeah, well, anyway, I like taking
a vacation as much as the next guy,

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'but if we dip into our savings,

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'we should buy a new sump pump
for the basement...'

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Let me stop you there.
I'm siding with your wife here.

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'But it's 1,800 bucks, without
the Splendours of the Vatican package.'

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There is more to life than sump pumps.

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Whatever happened
to feeding our souls?
27
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I purchased a painting
by one of our premier artists.

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Oh, it's not important who.
Well, it's Seattle's own Martha Paxton.

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Practical, no, but...

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Ever since acquiring that painting,
I look at it every day

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and every time I do,
I'm uplifted by its beauty.

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So, Gary, go to Italy.

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Bring back a suitcase full of memories.
Will you do that?

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'l still think
I should get the sump pump.'

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Well, then yes, Gary, you...
You should get the sump pump.

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We'll be right back
after this newsbreak.

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Roz? Uh, just what is a sump pump?

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If you need one, you'll know.

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Do you own a Paxton or were you
blowing sunshine up Gary's skirt?

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- Yes, indeed, I do own a Paxton.
- She's on line three.

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A pre-eminent neo-fauvist
and you put her on hold!

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Well, the phone rang, I...

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Ms Paxton, oh, I'm so sorry
to have kept you waiting.

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Well, thank you!

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Yes. I'm very flattered
that you listen to my little show.

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Yes, I meant every word.

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That's lovely.
I'd like to meet you, too, sometime.

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I'm having a few friends over
for a little gathering this Friday night

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for some cocktails and such.

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I suppose you're far too...
You would? Oh, that's marvellous!

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It's the Elliott Bay Towers,

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on the counterbalance,
around 7:00 is fine.

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Well, I'll see you then.
Ciao!

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- I didn't know about your cocktail party.
- That makes two of us.

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(Piano is playing jazz)

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Me theory on death is,
you're whisked down a dark tunnel

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towards a white light and you
get all the jokes you never got before.

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You let out a little chuckle
and then you die.

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(Chuckles)

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Delightful story, but I think
the toast points need replenishing.

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Be right on it.

62
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Enchanting.

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Why is no-one eating
the mousseline of duck?

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You mangy little cur!
Get! Get! Get! Oh!
65
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Now we know why.

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The dog is eating the food,
the pianist is too intrusive,

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the Pinot Noir is far too stagy...

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- It's 7:05, and Martha isn't here.
- I won't have to sedate you, will l?

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No, I'm just on edge.
I want everything to be perfect.

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Where's Maris?
I haven't seen her all night.

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She's on your bed...
asleep under the guests' coats.

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She exhausts easily
under the pressure to be interesting.

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- She should be looking after Dad!
- He's in the bathroom.

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(Doorbell)

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That must be... La Paxton!

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And fashionably late, of course!

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Oh, hi, Roz, it's you.
78
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- And you look radiant!
- I look like crap.

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I stained my dress,
over-plucked one eyebrow,

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and the crotch of my pantyhose
is creeping down to my knees.

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Why not do it on the elevator?

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Oh, my goodness,
you've got a neck!

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What do you think?
Is it how you imagined?

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To be frank, I don't spend
my idle hours imagining how you live.

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But I did expect lots of beige.
And look, I was right.

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- Would you like a drink?
- Sure, something light.

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Double bourbon, rocks,
and spill a little in the glass.

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Oh, Daphne, you're here, too.

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My goodness, shouldn't you be mixing?

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Don't mind me.
I'm just getting some ice.

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- Lovely party, isn't it?
- Yes, it is.

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This fresh fennel smells wonderful,
doesn't it?

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It certainly does.

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Dr Crane, were you sniffing my hair?

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Why would I do that?
I'm married, I love my Maris.

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- Where should I put this coat?
- Just throw it on the bed.

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So, which one is your dad?

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He's the gentleman showing
Bethany Van Pelt the photographs.

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Oh, my God!

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When we got to her,
it was hanging by two tendons.

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Would you excuse us, please?

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Stop showing crime scene photos.

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She was the one who brought it up!

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Oh, yeah, the Junior League head
brought up the subject of a hooker

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who was dismembered
and scattered in a warehouse?

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She asked, "Are these meatballs
the messiest thing you've ever seen?"

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- And I said "no...
- Dad, please!

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All right, but stop shadowing me!
I don't need a nursemaid!

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All right, just give me your word.

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Watch him!

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Hi, Niles. You may not remember me...

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I do! Be a love and watch
that man with a cane.

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(Doorbell)

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Everyone!

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Dr Crane?

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- I'm Martha Paxton.
- Of course. Who else could you be?

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Welcome to my salon.

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Everyone, your attention please!

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Let's welcome our guest of honour,
the renowned artist, Martha Paxton!

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- May I take your...poncho?
- No, I never take it off at parties.

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- So I don't have to shake hands.
- How delightfully eccentric.

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You must meet my brother Niles.
Oh, Niles!

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Ms Paxton? Dr Niles Crane.
It's an honour to shake your hand.

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Well, to shake anything of yours
is an honour.

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Now, where did you hang
my painting?

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I'd like to know how people
live with my work.

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"Live with my work."
I love that phrase. This way, please.

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This is the perfect spot
for an ideal viewing. Oh, God...
129
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I've waited so long for this moment.
I'll let you describe your work,

130
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"Elegy In Green," in your own words.

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You insinuate the palette
but never lean on it.

132
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You've captured the Zeitgeist!

133
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It's the most perfect canvas
I've gazed upon.

134
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One can only imagine
what inspired you to paint it!

135
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I didn't paint it.

136
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Well, of course you didn't.
You created it, you gave birth to it.

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I didn't do anything to it.
I never saw this painting before.

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And you thought
I was going to embarrass you.

139
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- I liked your friend, Roz.
- What?

140
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Roz, at the party tonight.
Nice gal. Ask her out.

141
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She's great-looking
and she can really hold her liquor.

142
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Dad, you mind?
I've had the most humiliating evening.

143
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I've been made a fool of
by this...this thing.

144
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I may be just a girl from Manchester,
but I have to tell you.

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Even though it's not a Paxton,
I really like it.

146
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I liked it before I even knew
who Martha Paxton was and, frankly,

147
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I don't think that woman bathes.

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Enjoy it while you can,
because it's going back to the dealer.

149
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I'll demand my money back.

150
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No one takes advantage
of Frasier Crane!

151
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You're upset. I'll return it for you.

152
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I appreciate the gesture, but what
do you know about the art world?

153
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Apparently about as much as you do.
154
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I can see the love in your eyes.

155
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You must have this painting.
- Are you the owner?

156
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,276
- Yes, I am, Philip Hayson.
- I'm Dr Frasier Crane.

157
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- I have a little...
-The Dr Frasier Crane on the radio?

158
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Guilty, yes.

159
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:20,294
My wife and I love your show.
Could I have your autograph?

160
00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:25,466
But speaking of autographs,
I have a problem with this painting.

161
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- Would you like a glass of wine?
- Actually...

162
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We toured the Loire Valley
and we bought four cases of this.

163
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It's quite extraordinary.

164
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- I'd rather not have any wine...
- Just a moment, just...

165
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- Oh, it finishes well.
- Would you like more?

166
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:56,676
No, thank you. I gave a small soiree
which Martha Paxton attended

167
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and she told me
that this painting was not her work.

168
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I can imagine
how embarrassing that was.

169
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- I doubt it.
- Let's take a look at that

170
00:12:09,688 --> 00:12:11,963
in a slightly better light, shall we?

171
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,294
Oh, yes, I remember this.
It's breathtaking.

172
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Ronald, Diane,
will you step in here?

173
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:26,682
Remember when this piece was in
the gallery, everyone wanted it?

174
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Yes, it's special.

175
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,415
Mrs Chitcherelli wanted to buy it.

176
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Yes, but it's not a Paxton.

177
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:39,161
It says here that it is a Paxton.
The signature...

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Martha Paxton says it's not a Paxton!
179
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:48,510
- Oh, Martha! How is the old dear?
- She and I go back a long way.

180
00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:53,368
- Is she still...?
- As a melon, yes.

181
00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:57,361
- More wine?
- No, I want to discuss this painting.

182
00:12:57,694 --> 00:13:01,892
- Some brie?
- No, I don't want any brie.

183
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,276
I want my money back!

184
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:08,846
That's where things
might just get a bit prickly.

185
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:13,164
We have a strict policy here.
All sales are final.

186
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:16,299
- You'll make an exception.
- I can't.

187
00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:21,184
- But it's a forgery.
- If it is, it's a damn good one.

188
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:25,146
I'll make this simple,
I want my money.

189
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,667
I'm sure you do.

190
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:32,694
Oh, I know what you're doing.

191
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:35,937
You're agreeing with me,
hoping I'll tire and leave.

192
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:39,702
- Whatever you say.
- I don't believe it.

193
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:43,384
You're shining me on!

194
00:13:43,698 --> 00:13:46,166
Where is the justice in this?

195
00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:53,163
If you ever find justice in
this world, let me know, will you?

196
00:13:53,625 --> 00:13:56,298
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some work to do.

197
00:13:56,586 --> 00:14:01,376
Did a crate of freshly painted
Rembrandts just arrive?

198
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:06,036
You're not getting away with this.
I am not leaving!

199
00:14:15,814 --> 00:14:18,169
I thought you
were going to return it.

200
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:21,001
They wouldn't take it back.

201
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:25,589
All I got was a cheap glass of wine.
Loire Valley, my ass.

202
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:32,205
- Now what?
- I'll call the police.

203
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:35,212
- 555-3000.
- Thanks.
204
00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:38,784
Try to mess with Dr Frasier Crane.

205
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:42,879
Hello... Oh, just a second.
Dad, who do I ask for?

206
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:46,128
Fine Arts Forgery Department.

207
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:51,377
Hello, yes, the Fine Arts
Forgery Department, please.

208
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,615
Dad! They're laughing at me.

209
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,258
Give me the phone.

210
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:12,113
Hi, who's this?
Hey, Doris! Yeah, Marty Crane.

211
00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:14,410
Yeah, that was my son.

212
00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:19,438
I just thought he needed
a bite of a reality sandwich.

213
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:25,191
Yeah, give my best to the guys.
Thanks. Yeah, bye.

214
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:29,301
- What was that?
- They handle murders and robberies.

215
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,673
No time for artsy-fartsy stuff.

216
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:35,446
What am I supposed to do?
I've been cheated!
217
00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:43,158
What were you doing back there?

218
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:48,039
Maris lost her earring. Daphne crawled
under the bed to look for it while I...

219
00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:50,158
Yes?

220
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,322
...searched the credenza.

221
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:58,936
Maybe it was trampled
into the hallway carpet

222
00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:01,559
when everybody stampeded
for the elevator.

223
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:06,671
No one stampeded!
Good guests just know when to leave.

224
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,723
- Two hours early.
- Shut up!

225
00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:15,165
Does this foul mood mean you were
unable to unload the bogus Paxton?

226
00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:17,310
Yes.

227
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:21,439
What's the name
of that vicious lawyer you use?

228
00:16:21,773 --> 00:16:24,526
The one I used to sue the contractor
or to sue the personal trainer?

229
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,888
- The meanest.
- The second one.

230
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:31,783
- I used him to sue the first one.
- Give me his number.

231
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:37,186
Forget it. Five years of litigation
will be eight times the painting's price.

232
00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:43,117
- I hate lawyers!
-They make wonderful patients.

233
00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:47,420
They have excellent health insurance
and they never get better.

234
00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:55,143
I know, I can use my radio show.

235
00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:58,783
I can use my bully pulpit to expose
that man for the fraud he is!

236
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:01,662
They'll sue you for slander.

237
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:05,647
Where is the justice?
Where can I turn to?

238
00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:09,533
I'm a beloved household name
and I've been screwed!

239
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:13,333
You're 41.
It's time you learned something.

240
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,569
The system ain't perfect.

241
00:17:15,827 --> 00:17:20,105
Sometimes the bad guy wins
and things you thought would help you,
242
00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:24,609
the courts and the police,
aren't there when you need them.

243
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:27,111
So let it eat a hole in your stomach

244
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:31,055
or file it away under the heading
"Sometimes life sucks".

245
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:35,263
That file's getting pretty thick.

246
00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:43,055
So Hayson just gets away with it.

247
00:17:43,355 --> 00:17:49,112
He's sitting there with his wine
and his little chuckle at my expense.

248
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:52,325
I see why people
take matters into their own hands.

249
00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:54,730
It would be so satisfying

250
00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:59,030
to just slash his tyres
or throw a brick through his window!

251
00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:02,010
To show that you can't
get away with this.

252
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:06,078
I know you would never resort
to that sort of thing.

253
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,790
Would you, Frasier?

254
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:15,576
There's a vein
throbbing in your forehead.

255
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:21,492
I couldn't find it,
but I'll try something else.

256
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:25,526
Give me the other earring.
Maybe I'll get something.

257
00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:30,212
Oh, yes, I'm getting a feeling.
It's in your father's room.

258
00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:32,718
No, It's in Dr Crane's room.

259
00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:35,979
No... Oh, this is odd.
Now it's in the hallway.

260
00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:40,863
Eddie!

261
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:11,087
Good evening.
Lovely night, isn't it?

262
00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:14,957
Yes, well, uh... Good night.

263
00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:19,379
(Car horn)

264
00:19:23,872 --> 00:19:26,705
- Get in the car.
- What are you doing here?

265
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:31,232
- Stopping you from being stupid.
- I know this is wrong,

266
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,499
but it's the only thing left for me!

267
00:19:33,757 --> 00:19:38,672
All right, Frasier. Just give me
the brick and no one will get hurt.

268
00:19:39,054 --> 00:19:42,091
- It's none of your business.
- It is.

269
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:45,507
- How.
- Remember in school

270
00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:49,086
when somebody took my clothes
while I showered?

271
00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,752
They hung them from the goalpost.

272
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:56,974
I had to get a ladder and climb up there
wearing only a towel, wet and shivering.

273
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,924
Then the towel fell off.

274
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:06,339
There I was, hanging naked from a
goalpost, and everyone was laughing,

275
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:11,860
and Coach Medwick just stood there
going... Whatever that means.

276
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:14,369
Why are you telling me this?

277
00:20:14,631 --> 00:20:17,623
Because I was so humiliated.

278
00:20:17,926 --> 00:20:21,999
I went home, I cried my eyes out.
I swore I would get even.

279
00:20:22,347 --> 00:20:26,101
I was just about to put sugar
into Coach Medwick's gas tank,
280
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:29,232
and you stopped me.

281
00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:34,470
You said, "lf you act like
a barbarian, you will become one."

282
00:20:34,859 --> 00:20:39,216
I said that?
- Actually, you were more verbose.

283
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:43,326
I had to listen
while you were sitting on my chest.

284
00:20:45,495 --> 00:20:49,568
- Give me the brick, Frasier.
- And let him get away with this?

285
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:53,272
What the gallery owner did
was wrong and humiliating.

286
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,656
But if you throw that brick,

287
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:59,119
you will have lost something
more valuable than your money.

288
00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:04,261
You will have lost...your mind.
You can't do this!

289
00:21:07,142 --> 00:21:11,021
If you could show restraint
after so much humiliation,

290
00:21:11,354 --> 00:21:13,345
not to mention the nicknames...

291
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:18,236
- Nicknames. There were nicknames?
- You didn't know that?

292
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:24,083
Dear God. Peachfuzz, Jingle Bells...
I can't remember the rest.

293
00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:28,451
- "Peachfuzz"?
- Coach Medwick made that one up.

294
00:21:30,123 --> 00:21:33,832
Well, anyway, here you are.
I won't be needing this any more.

295
00:21:35,545 --> 00:21:37,581
I'm proud of you.

296
00:21:42,427 --> 00:21:46,420
- What have you done?
- Nobody calls me Peachfuzz!

297
00:21:46,765 --> 00:21:48,721
Now let's get the hell out of here!

298
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,879
What are you doing?

299
00:21:52,145 --> 00:21:55,217
We may be barbarians,
but we pay for our pillaging.

300
00:21:56,941 --> 00:21:59,375
Go! Go! Go! Go!

301
00:22:06,076 --> 00:22:07,953
# Baby, I hear the blues a-calling

302
00:22:08,203 --> 00:22:10,592
# Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

303
00:22:10,872 --> 00:22:11,827
# Oh, my

304
00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:15,433
# Maybe I seem a bit confused

305
00:22:15,710 --> 00:22:17,826
# Yeah, maybe...but I got you pegged!
306
00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:21,853
# But I don't know what to do with those

307
00:22:22,092 --> 00:22:25,004
# Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

308
00:22:26,096 --> 00:22:28,052
# They're calling again

309
00:22:30,141 --> 00:22:32,177
# Scrambled eggs all over my face

310
00:22:32,435 --> 00:22:34,391
# What is a boy to do? #

311
00:22:36,690 --> 00:22:39,284
Frasier has left the building.