The Worst Words to Say at Work

9 common words and phrases that will make you sound

noncommittal, undependable, and untrustworthy
by Linnda Durre, Forbes.com

Some words and phrases are often used to buy time, avoid giving answers,
and escape commitment. If you use these words and phrases yourself,
take a scalpel and cut them out of your thinking, speaking, and writing.

"Try"
"Try" is a weasel word. "Well, I'll try," some people say. It's a cop-out.
They're just giving you lip service, when they probably have no real
intention of doing what you ask. Remember what Yoda says to Luke
Skywalker in "Star Wars": "Do or do not--there is no try." Take Yoda's
advice. Give it your all when you do something. And if it doesn't work, start
over.

Put passion into your work, and give it your best effort, so you can know
that you did all you could to make it happen. So if the outcome you were
expecting didn't come to fruition, it's not because you didn't do everything
you could to make it happen. It just wasn't the right time for it or it wasn't
meant to be.

"Whatever"
This word is a trusted favorite of people who want to dismiss you, diminish
what you say, or get rid of you quickly. "Whatever," they will say as an all-
purpose response to your earnest request. It's an insult and a verbal slap in
the face. It's a way to respond to a person without actually responding.
When you say "whatever" after another person has said his or her piece,
you have essentially put up a wall between the two of you and halted any
progress in communicating. It's a word to avoid.

"Maybe" and "I don't know"

People will sometimes avoid making a decision--and hide behind words
and phrases like "maybe" and "I don't know." There's a difference between
legitimately not knowing something and using words like these as excuses.
Sometimes during a confrontation, people will claim not to know something
or offer the noncommittal response "maybe," just to avoid being put on the
spot. If that seems to be the case, ask, "When do you think you will know?"
or "How can you find out?" Don't let the person off the hook so easily.

"I'll get back to you"

When people need to buy time or avoid revealing a project's status, they
will say, "I'll get back to you," and they usually never do. If people say they
will get back to you, always clarify. Ask them when they will get back to
you, and make sure they specify the day and time. If they don't, then pin
them down to a day and time and hold them to it. If they won't give you a
day or time, tell them you'll call in a day or week and follow up. Make sure
you call and get the information you need.

"If"
Projects depend on everyone doing his or her part. People who use "if" are
usually playing the blame game and betting against themselves. They like
to set conditions, rather than assuming a successful outcome. People who
rely on conditional responses are fortifying themselves against potential
failure. They will say, "If Bob finishes his part, then I can do my part."
They're laying the groundwork for a "no fault" excuse and for not finishing
their work.

There are always alternatives, other routes, and ways to get the job done.
Excuse makers usually have the energy of a slug and the spine of a
jellyfish. You don't want them on your team when you're trying to climb Mt.
Everest.

"Yes, but . . ."

This is another excuse. You might give your team members suggestions or
solutions, and they come back to you with "Yes, but . . ." as a response.
They don't really want answers, help, or solutions. You need to call the
"Yes, but . . ." people out on their avoidance tactic by saying something like
"You know, Jackie, every time I offer you a suggestion you say, 'Yes, but . .
. ,' which makes me think you don't really want to solve this problem. That's
not going to work. If you want to play the victim, go right ahead, but I'm not
going to allow you to keep this up." After a response like that, you can be
assured that the next words you hear will not be "Yes, but . . ."!

"I guess . . ."

This is usually said in a weak, soft-spoken, shoulder-shrugging manner. It's
another attempt to shirk responsibility--a phrase that is muttered only when
people half agree with you but want to leave enough leeway to say, "Well, I
didn't really know. . . . I was only guessing." If you use this phrase, cut it out
of your vocabulary.

"We'll see . . ."

How many times did we hear our parents say this? We knew they were
buying time, avoiding a fight or confrontation, or really saying no. It's better
to be decisive and honest by saying, "I need more information. Please
present your case or send me the data--both pro and con--so I can make
an informed decision." That way, the interested parties will contribute to an
in-depth, well-researched "verdict."

This column is an excerpt of "Surviving the Toxic Workplace" (McGraw-Hill,

2010), by Linnda Durre, a psychotherapist, business consultant, and
columnist. You can follow her on Twitter: @LinndaDurreShow

Guide To Getting Over A Toxic Boss

"Holding a grudge is like swallowing poison and hoping it poisons the other
person," says Mark Goulston, M.D., a business advisor and clinical
psychiatrist. The best revenge in this case is to wish your toxic boss well--
and really mean it. Here are seven strategies that will help you conquer
your bad-boss demons.

Don't make enemies.

Bad bosses have a way or turning up again, especially if you work in a

small industry, says Alexandra Levit, career columnist. So while it might
pain you to do so, leave on amicable terms. Send a short email with your
new contact information and say that you hope to keep in touch. It doesn't
matter if you don't hear back. Clearing the air helps you feel more in control
of the situation. Besides, it's mentally exhausting to devote time and energy
to holding a grudge.

Get closure.
Delete old e-mails, toss old memos, remove old photos of you with your
boss at the company off-site from your Facebook page. Any reminders of
your ex-boss can trigger flashbacks and needless dwelling, says Goulston.

Focus on small successes.

It helps to know that you're good at something, anything really, when your
ego has been annihilated by a bad boss. Consider taking personal
development class to develop confidence, says Levit, who recommends
Dale Carnegie leadership seminars. Look beyond work-related skills too.
Training for a half-marathon or pitching in with a charity, for example, can
be empowering and reinforce the fact that you have talents apart from
creating spreadsheets.

Avoid the gossip-fest.

Take the high road when people ask you about your former boss, because
bad-mouthing him won't serve you in the long run, says Harvey Mackay, a
business advice columnist. Come up with a diplomatic phrase you can use
to describe the experience. Instead of saying, "My boss was a crazy micro-
manager, and I hated working for him," try: “Every job has its challenges,
and mine was no exception." It's vague but gets the point across.

Avoid the gossip-fest.

Take the high road when people ask you about your former boss, because
bad-mouthing him won't serve you in the long run, says Harvey Mackay, a
business advice columnist. Come up with a diplomatic phrase you can use
to describe the experience. Instead of saying, "My boss was a crazy micro-
manager, and I hated working for him," try: “Every job has its challenges,
and mine was no exception." It's vague but gets the point across.

Look in the mirror.

Painful as it may be, think back and try to learn from what happened with
your toxic boss. Look at the situation from her point of view, recommends
Mackay. Was there a kernel of truth in something she said? OK, maybe
your time management skills could use a little brushing up on. Come clean
with yourself and try not to fall back into those habits on your next job.

Don't psyche yourself out.

At the same time, don't overanalyze yourself to the point where you end up
paralyzed. "It's very easy to overcompensate and feel so freaked out about
doing something wrong that you second-guess every decision," says Levit.
Focus on one day, one situation at a time. And the more positive feedback
from your new boss, the more confident you'll feel. Find ways to keep the
lines of communication open so you know where you stand, recommends
Goulston.

Give it time.

Allow yourself time to get over the bad boss breakup. Six months is a good
benchmark. But afterward, if you still feel like your life is over, and that
you're worthless, the problem might be you and not the boss. Don't by shy
about reaching out to others or talking to a therapist, says Levit.

Give it time.

Allow yourself time to get over the bad boss breakup. Six months is a good
benchmark. But afterward, if you still feel like your life is over, and that
you're worthless, the problem might be you and not the boss. Don't by shy
about reaching out to others or talking to a therapist, says Levit.

Nine Ways To Talk To Someone You Can't Stand

Face it: Some people are simply insufferable. With any luck, they can be
avoided, but not always. Here are nine time-tested conversational
strategies for when there is no escape.

Indulge Them (If Only A Little)

The last thing you want from a name-dropping coworker is an account of

his latest personal conquests. One coping strategy, care of Christopher
Groscurth, an instructional consultant at the University of Michigan with a
Ph.D. in interpersonal communication: Bypass the painful chitchat by
steering the conversation to project goals and how the person's golden
Roledex could help your cause. Groscurth did just that with one particularly
annoying colleague. "Ultimately, this gave him what he wanted--some
space to talk about himself--while sparing me from his indulgence," he
says.

Massage The Bruise

There is always a reason people are disagreeable: insecurity, the poor-me

syndrome, general selfishness--the list of foibles goes on. In many cases,
you don't need a degree in psychology to zero in on the problem. Insecure
people are some of the easiest to suss out. One classic trademark: They
tend to turn into jerks when challenged. You can't live in fear of these
meltdowns, but you can ease their intensity by stroking the person's ego a
little more during those rare moments when they get something right. It's
disingenuous and annoying, perhaps, but ultimately worth it.

Control What You Can

In most encounters, you can choose to escalate conflict or keep things civil.
"The only response that you have control over is your own," says
Groscurth. Humor helps. So does a positive attitude. When dealing with a
Debbie-Downer type, for example, try spinning their complaints into
questions: "That situation sounds tough, but what can you do to turn it
around?"

Look For The Good

Surely the person you can't stand has some redeeming quality. Find it and
focus on it all the way through the conversation, even it's just a physical
feature or nice piece of clothing, advises Dr. Kathleen Hall, chief executive
of The Stress Institute, a mental-health consultancy that works with
corporations and nonprofit organizations. "For example, if you you're talking
to a person who is incredibly rude, but she has good hair, just think about
the pretty hair, smile, say what you need to say and move on with your
day," she says.

Find Common Ground

Perhaps the person you can't stand is also a parent, a fan of the same
team or an alumnus of the same school. "Focusing on what you have in
common gives you more positive feelings toward them, as well as
something connecting to talk about," says David Levin, author of Don't Just
Talk, Be Heard!

Empathize (Even If It Means Making Stuff Up)

As with all noxious substances, toxic people should be handled with care.
Difficult (and disconcerting) as it may seem, try to imagine that you were
born in their similar uncomfortable circumstances. Or even go the extra
step and imagine that they've been told, that very morning, by the one
person they love, that it's all over. Who cares if it's true? The fictional
scenario will reduce the level of toxicity in your body--and that's what
counts.

Avoid Blame

People who are particularly difficult often seek to rationalize their actions.
They don't want to be the bad guy, so therefore you must have provoked
them. This tendency is called cognitive resonance: our nearly obsessive
desire to appear consistent with what we have already done. With that in
mind, avoid assigning blame to the blighter at all costs. Instead of saying,
"You kind of screwed this one up," go with "Here's what would really help
save the day."

Let Them Save Face

So the insistent boor won't back down, even though (you both know) his
argument is somewhere between specious and laughable. Asking him to
"reconsider"--implying that he had made a mistake--is asking for trouble.
Instead, present a new dilemma based on new information and ask for his
decision. That way, he can save face without admitting his mistake.

Plan A Quick Exit

Always go into these conversations with a plan. Know what you want to
achieve during the talk and have an exit strategy once the mission is
accomplished. "I'm waiting for an important phone call" or "I'm hoping to
catch a client before they head out" work well. Plan for contingencies, too.
"Be prepared to cut your losses and move on to something more enjoyable,
or at least more manageable,” says Vlad Zachary, founder of
CareerConceptZ.com, which offers resources and strategies for job
interviews.

Six Ways To Keep Your Cool At Work

You don't need us to tell you that work is more stressful than ever. Longer
hours, less pay and morale-sapping layoffs can drive even the most placid
Bruce Banners to Hulk out. While it's unhealthy to bury all of that emotion,
you can't let it boil over on the job, either. Here are some time-tested anger-
management techniques, care of those who make a living helping us...all...
remain...calm.

The Double Blow

No, this doesn't mean give your colleague a jab to the gut followed by an
elbow to the face. This trick, courtesy of Dr. Robert Epstein, instructor at
the Rady School of Management at the University of California San Diego,
works like this: As your rage swells, exhale fully and then, just as you're at
the end of your exhale, blow hard. This expels the remaining air that's
trapped in your lungs and counteracts the dangerous tendency to breathe
shallowly when you feel threatened. "Shallow breathing circulates toxins in
your bloodstream and makes you panicky," says Dr. Epstein.

Verbal Jujitsu

Berated by a co-worker or a frustrated superior? Dr. Debra Condren,

founder of Manhattan Business Coaching and author of Ambition Is Not A
Dirty Word, a career guide for women, has a solution: "I keep my face
neutral, make sure I'm breathing and staying calm, with my feet planted any
my body relaxed," she says. When the other person's verbal screed is
done, Condren utters flatly: "I hear what you're saying," or "I can see you
have strong feelings about this issue." The lack of visible reaction snuffs
the emotional wick.
Don't Curse (It Makes You Angrier)

If you can't manage complete stoicism, at least do your best to clamp down
on the obscenities, even if they come naturally to you. Swear once and
your adversary may well fire back. After a few volleys, fisticuffs aren't far
behind. "Swearing intensifies anger and adds to its incivility," says Jim
O'Connor, author of Cuss Control: The Complete Book on How to Curb
Your Cursing.

Avoid Assumptions

A co-worker is late, and it's looking like you'll have to do that joint
presentation alone. His fecklessness is infuriating. Before it engulfs you,
says Dr. Simon Rego, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry and
behavioral sciences at the Albert Einstein School of Medicine in New York,
pause to consider all the things that could have happened. Perhaps his
child is sick or his car broke down. Avoid assumptions--or as Rego calls
them, "cognitive distortions"--which can lead to blame and anger. Says
Rego: "Once these distortions can be identified, challenged and replaced
with more helpful coping thoughts, the feelings of anger should decrease."

Don't Take Things Personally

It's in our DNA to perceive personal slights--but that's usually not the case,
says Marty Brenner, anger management counselor in Beverly Hills, Calif.
Brenner recalls a client who stopped by his ex-wife's house to pick up his
child for court-scheduled visit only to find his ex-wife had forgotten about
the visit and the child was at a friend's house. Brenner's client almost
exploded. Then he took a breath and told himself that his wife wasn't
sabotaging him. "His first thought was to be aggressive verbally," says
Brenner. "Then he realized that anything he said would not change the
person or the situation." (Good move: Indeed, his ex had forgotten about
the visit.)
Know Your Triggers

Plenty of people get angry, but they don't know why. Look for anger-
inducing patterns and jot them down, says Marty Babits, author of The
Power of the Middle Ground, A Couple's Guide to Renewing Your
Relationship. This takes hearty doses of self-honesty and willingness to
accept the truth. If certain people get on your nerves, then, well, they just
do. In many cases, your best bet is simply to recognize who they are and
avoid them whenever possible. (If that sounds cold, take comfort in
knowing that you are doing them a favor.)