Preface of the Preface

"You with yourself. YOU, with YOURSELF. Yesterday means NOTHING."

And the civil year 2018 is ending... This diary, now an ebook, has some harsh
truths about getting older, but still being young. In my case, I wasn't leading my
own life, that's why my opinions and wishes didn't come true. In some rare moments
I was the leading actress, in 90% of times just part of the supporting cast. Now
I'm claiming my protagonism through art and peace. Was it voluntary? Were my acts
totally free of influence? Where's my ID? These are some of the doubts I have now,
and maybe I'll answer in a second edition.

My message to you, dear reader, is to savor the today. Maybe 30 is the first hard
age we face, maybe not. Especially now, when all cameras and analysts try to
understand our generation. According to them, they don't understand why we choose
more than one path, why we have to create more than one identity, why we accept
starting from scratch, and so on. Yesterday is yesterday. We should focus on
capturing the teachings of yesterday instead of punishing ourselves for what
happened. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Plant the seed, and you will see the results soon.
When? I don't know.

### Thirty Tonight.

####
---

#### JOURNALING MY LAST DAYS OF 20s.

# PREFACE
After reading[a text who brought bitter tears to my eyes]
(https://medium.com/@alexandrakaschuta/dating-in-2018-the-harsh-truth-a72e2c3dd930)

*...
Oh, don't make me cry...my 20s are ending in less than a week, and part of me is
anxious and afraid. I'm an outsider, tried these dating sites and apps just twice,
and didn't like the environment.

My childlessness is... mandatory. I can't have kids if I want to stay alive and
kicking. Heart disease, sorry. And I must find reasons to enjoy my condition...Many
guys I fell in love in a place called the offline world just rejected me because of
it, and it depressed me for some time.*

*I know a 30 wake up call is far from the ideal for women, but... sometimes it
works. Have you already heard about ****LATE BLOOMERS?****Why can't I finish my
second decade without having a husband or three children?! I'm not obligating
anyone to do what I did, but we must survive.*

*Besides, think about the ideal time to do everything, and see how out of it you
are... and feel like wasting time... isn't it ****a step toward suicide?***

---

### Game over. Everyone is richer, younger and cooler than me.
1

Décadence avec élégance!

Tonight, my friends, I won't be 29 anymore. Even if science proved that youth ends
at our mid 30s, my youth ended at least 6 years ago to the official statistics of
the place I was born.

This September 27, I woke up way earlier than the usual, thinking about things I
didn't do yesterday. And afraid of tomorrow.

The truth is: does truth exist? We know how to identify a list, but I also fear
these people who hurt others using their sincerity as an excuse. Harsh truths and
real-life wake-up calls are depressing!

If we, like human beings, think that our ideas are better than theirs, then let it
go into the market of opinions! Use superior means to disqualify our opponents is a
sign of insecurity.

People have different tastes and preferences, that's why it isn't reasonable to
demand certain knowledge of everything from the *real world*(getting angry with
this expression).!

2
Instead of feeling old or young, isn't it better to feel alive?

Today, August the 28, I'm 29.11\. My first aging signs are knocking on heaven's
door. Alongside them, I have the undefined date goal of becoming a minimalist. Life
is a prostitute! Why?**I hear about my love for shopping malls, makeup and money
spending for a couple of decades... but I figured out that they were so empty as
alcohol**. I have never felt better after shopping, I felt wrong. Too much makeup
on the face? Same problem. I felt guilty of taking 2 hours of hair and makeup. I
know I was bothering others, but I didn't know what to do.

Like all other problems, I had to dive deeper into myself to find my essential
self... When I started emptying my wardrobe, I started enjoying my "naked"
reflection. I finally understood that giving a pin for others and filling our mind
with encouraging words isn't brainwashing. It's necessary if we want to grow and
expand our seeds. Instead of giving up my routine to find someone, I analyze if
this person deserves my attention, and then offer my free time for this
rendezvous.**Incredible how cleaning and organizing our place plays a key role in
ourselves!**

That's why I'm pledging my birthday for charity. I daydreamed a lot about a 2-floor
cake, an authorial concert, a silver rain, and an enormous "30" candle. Where? In
Europe. Firstly, I can't afford anything I daydreamed. I need the money for other
important business. (Remember? Everyone was right. I'm a loser!) Secondly, this
European party would be great... to my ego! I would remain the same egotistical and
negative person of always. Egotism and selfishness aren't self-love, after all!

####

3
4 minutes to September.
It's torturing but necessary. Toilet ears, activate!

This is my Pearl Jubilee Celebration, and I guess why: Three decades are rare and
beautiful like pearls. From head to feet, I will capture the spirit of the beauty
from the junk pearls teach us. There's no try. Felix Culpa!

But do you think I forgot the minimalist lifestyle? JAMAIS! I also decluttered hard
tonight... But I can clean more, depending on my mood.

Look at it, I came across on Youtube. From indeed one of my favorite actors.

> YOU WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH! YOU CAN'T STOP UNTIL YOU REACH IMMORTALITY!

Ego kills us by promising fame, fortune, and immortality. I wanted to make some
plastic surgeries to look more satisfactory. But... did you know when my game
changed? When I stopped looking for changing my essence and finding ways of showing
it off. I'm an artist, can't stop saying it out loud. I do it to be clear, naked
and pure. This is my nature.

> LIFE DOES NOT HAPPEN TO YOU. IT HAPPENS FOR YOU. DON'T WORRY IF YOU MISS YOUR
CUE.

Don't cry for that closed door; another one is waiting for us right there. Know
your focus and go for it. The fewer options and distractions, the better.

> PERCEIVE CHALLENGES AS OPPORTUNITIES TO DEAL WITH IN THE MOST PRODUCTIVE WAY.
WITHOUT HOPE, BUT FAITH.

Challenge accepted. I'm doing very risky choices, choices that demand patience. And
hope doesn't help it. I must be faithful and dare to jump!

4
"Don't overthink �."

Too much reality led me to a burnout, in a certain Christmas Eve. Why? I sacrificed
every single time to get myself up to date, in every single corner of Planet Earth.
I created a system with numeric and alphabetic codes of each country and then
downloaded around 1K newspaper links per week, by using this code to separate the
reports. Did it help me succeed? Nope. It drove me crazy! And helped me to be more
and more skeptical about the renewal of the current world system.

Remember what I wrote yesterday: We have no obligations to problems we didn't

cause. My life, my problems. You can help others, but it is your choice, not your
obligation.

You know, sit down to watch the news just because of my origins is CRUELTY. If I
have more important things to invest my time in, why should I fill in my head with
the violence and economic growth of the place I'm leaving? I need to keep
networking and studying French. I need to find ways of side hustling to create a
feasible and terribly real source of passive income. I need to make the wild
artistic side a professional one. Is it insensitive? Really?

I can do nothing to change mainstream, but I won't let it sway me anymore. I needed
to read my liberty texts early in the morning, but I'm doing it later, patience.
Every time I feel pressed, with my eyes trembling like an alarm clock, it's time to
pull my feet to the ground. I need to remember what I defend and who I want to be.
It's necessary if I want to discover my ocean instead of my waves.
The latest drama I'm watching, *Something In The Rain*, expressed this dilemma: be
a good daughter vs. be happy. The main character chose the first alternative. After
all, she was 37 and her parents were going to the coffin, hmm? If the relationship
with her one failed, what could she do?

If I were the character of that series, what would I do?

Strength is the key point. What am I doing wrong if I disagree with the mainstream?
Trying to live in an unreal world? There's no way of comparison, and you know why?
No one is 100% similar on Earth. The stories can begin similarly but end
differently. This story of the real world is bullshit. Reality fits the size of my
knowledge range and opinions. My family will understand me later. Unhappiness can
take my life away. If I'm 37? Screw up my age. Many people succeed after the
societal limit. How? By giving an f... to their rules and having faith in
themselves. Why can't I be one of them?

###

5
End of act one.

You know, many algorhytmical recommendations for me are about people who
rediscovered themselves after traveling to mysterious corners of Planet Earth. I
know 0.2% of this big blue egg, but I found myself after getting lost... because of
dishonesty.

I never went to distant islands of insular Asia, or the Sahara Desert, or even that
famous Peruvian Mountain in Cusco... **I just traveled to my inner surface to find
out the artistic girl**. The girl who loves to play the toy piano. The girl who
confessed to her great-grandmother that she wanted to sing at the assembly. The
girl who started her preteen years learning to draw those bug-eyed monsters. The
girl who loved to invent songs or crazy things in her diary. **The girl who dreamed
about being a model and actress before telling to the world that she wanted to be a
judge, just to be taken seriously.** Or that one who dreamed about sleeping in one
country to wake up in another one. I thought I was making these dreams come true,
but I was feeling unhappy.

I wanted my foreign one, but all I was looking for was local crap.**I drew my
comfort zone and didn't do anything to leave it.** I knew just the border of my
ocean but never went deeper into the abyssal reality. I am from the creative sea,
trying to be a straight face. And many people love this naked reflection.

>

6
**...the Lord invites us to flee from this danger of giving more importance to form
than to substance. He calls us to recognize ever anew what is the true center of
the experience of faith,(...) purifying it from the hypocrisy of legalism and
ritualism. --- Pope Francis**

I'm a crazy babe. No one should accuse me of being the Super Christian. This is the
less overexposed side of my life. I love my religion, but it's my private practice.
If others agree with me or not, it's their opinion. Like, the only time I said it
out loud, I was criticised. Sorry about that, but I chose it after almost
destroying my life just to be beloved by someone else. I love it and I don't feel
like regretting choosing it.**I want to be a transparent woman, not a hypocrite
coward.**
Seriously, I have no reasons to feel more than anyone; I know who I am and what I
did. But I don't feel second-class. I'm single, I can't have kids until my 32, and
I'm building two businesses from scratch. Am I good for nothing because of it?!
That's why I say I'm human, like these 8 billion others. Sins and mistakes are
human, even the best person in town commits many of them. I love those engagement
moments because I feel like a human interacting with others. And my mistakes also
make myself falling in love with me!

#### Who is the passive aggressive here?

Me? Why? I was just explaining my points of view, she started talking about me, and
she started telling me I was screaming. I wasn't. Then she hit play and started
recording, by telling that I was an aggressive talker, and menacing me with that
video. Geez, isn't it gaslighting? I wasn't screaming, I'm sure. I'm not that
crazy! I was just talking. She started uprising her voice and provoking me. I hate
to explain my disagreement, but I must do it. I feel really impotent and weak in
times like these. Is it wrong to vocally emphasize something? But I have my power,
my personal power, an inner rising star who lights the narcissistic abuse darkness.

I'm not a project of a woman, an incomplete one or a piece of woman: I'm a real
person. I'm not waiting for the game to begin, preparing myself for the game, or
watching the others play my game: I'm playing it harder than you imagine. I'm in
the middle of the game, and I'm not playing to lose. And I'm more and more
intolerant to lies and incoherent behavior! It's so hard to make sense and be the
same person online and offline... but do I need to give up playing this game under
my rules and conditions? Which ones?

May today --- I mean today as the moment I'm writing this journal --- be better
than yesterday, as the day which ended when I closed my eyes to sleep and recharge
my batteries. If I want a splendid future, my today needs to be done. And my past
is my past: I need to commit mistakes before doing anything right! Nothing could be
done better, it was done the way I could. You may say I'm living in a Pollyanna
world, but I'm in my way of happiness, a real and possible one, with moments of
grief, difficulty, and fear.

>

7
Eat � for a decade

In one of my motivational morning sessions, I watched two videos about things to do

in the 20s. Fortunately... I did everything. Travel alone? Check. Work for a
living? I was 22 when I had my first internship. Check. Fall deeply in love? Three
times. Check. I won't let my 6 last years determine the whole decade. But I learned
many things in these years, too! I learned to be me, to have faith and be
spiritual, to trust my gut, to listen to my heart and silence the external voice.

I'm still "eating �", but you know? It's temporary. I need to do it if I want to
grow and see my levels of self-esteem drop to unseen standards. Every time I see a
new subscriber of my channel, every time I see someone following me because of my
music videos or replying me because of the for inspiration with my messages, every
time I open Anchor to see my numbers, I feel like crying. \#dkLa is my child. Which
mother doesn't like to see their children growing? I'm 3 years in it, I defend my
child with all my forces, and I hear everything. Like "if you're succeeding, why
are you still eating �?" Patience.

Growth is like parenting or planting trees. You throw the seeds, take care of the
ground, water it well, and the best ones will become beautiful trees! Quick success
is possible, but this is just the exception. Like I said yesterday... I'm a real
person, not a kind of woman. Today, September 14, I want to be better than
yesterday, September 13\. What will happen in 2050? To me, it doesn't matter if
we're still in 2018\. I'm planting the seeds! One day always comes after another...

Sacrifice hobbies? Check. I heart video games, you know? Sonic, The Sims, Columns,
Shinobi... oh, I miss the time when I slept 4AM because I was playing games. Or
reading Viking stuff. "But you have the dramas..." Yep. While having lunch or
before sleeping. One chapter per day. Nothing like my 5,6,10 hours of gameplaying
sessions. Music and social networking are... my side hustling hours. I'm working,
not playing games. Working to find good contacts and a consistent fan base. I gave
up networking offline for a while, I'm focusing on making my Team Läyeh be a
permanent one!

8
END OF AN EVENT ERA 2012--2018

So, these are my last 15 days of the 20s. I don't know what to feel... I must
describe what I'm doing: After a lonely Sunday afternoon, I picked half a mug of
chocolatey cappuccino, opened the playlist "J-Rock Now", opened the computer and
restarted my video creations to upload to my YouTube channel. It's a cloudy and
kinda cold winter evening, the house is silent and dark... and I feel peaceful. **I
want it to me tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and omg, forever. Moments of
complete loneliness and silence, without judgments, screams or gaslighting.
**INTROVERT DETECTED!

### Today I'll go to my last event at my birthplace-hometown. At least it's what I

wish.

I feel grateful for attending each event. **Because of them, I can have a
particular vision of reality. **I learned to find the mechanism behind the facts,
not to believe in the first image or speech I hear on news portals. I**met few but
meaningful people,** and they're part of my network of liberty against the
mainstream.

Each cup of coffee with butter cookies are still an inhabitant of my ❤ because I
learned to contest and counter react with them.**After these 6 years of event
experience, I can tell anyone about MY opinions about the world, not necessarily
cliche talks or simplistic speeches. Liberty ideas just grew up and flourished
thanks to this fertile ground events gave me.**

This last one had**a taste of completion.** The goal of discovering **my own
ideology, far beyond books and manuals**, was achieved! I feel like making the
right decision in my life, based on solid arguments.**What will happen tomorrow? It
doesn't matter.**

However, it wasn't the last event of my life!

###

9
ATTENDS-MOI, MA FUTURE MAISON!

So, I had a forced separation last morning, and I feel kinda lost. Everything is so
uncertain that I need time to process everything. **My mentor is retiring**, I
won't sing in a real stage before my birthday, and the answer didn't come! Even a
"*Merci de nous contacter, mais...(Quelques mots pour dire non)*".

That's why**I cried like a baby thinking about my grandma. 15 years seems like
yesterday. **I believe she's behind each opportunity of being an artist. She's
behind each successful interaction with foreigners. I used to dream while reading
the books from her library; she was the first one to hear from me about singing to
an audience; I promised her to be a true woman, to be fierce!

**It was shocking to hear about that retirement, but... it's a way to say that I'm
mature enough to walk alone and deal with my problems by myself.** The magic is
done, now it's time to go on and keep investing in this magical path especially
open to me. It's time to show up, t**o assume that this migration isn't a
children's play. It's something serious and result of a tremendous preparation.**

**By the way, I feel satisfied with some of my reactions. **Let's go to the latest
one: one more female contact tried to ask me to be more clear and explain to her
what was happening. **I thought about my cutie fan, very honest in his limited
capacity of understanding English,** and told her what was happening. But the girl
was impatient. She wanted to "understand what was happening" at any cost. Then I
asked her to translate our interactions.

I ask you...Did she read anything? Heck no! One more female hater.**Did you think I
wasted my time at war with her? I'm not 16 anymore!** I was classy: I just muted
her. No offenses or quarrels. **Haters want this kind of attention; better to not
feed these monsters.**

### Fighting!

I'm closing this diary this Friday, September 21, because I'll publish it on
✌
✌Sunday. Fear can't control me. I'll do something concrete... ✌

### Last Friday, The Journey.

Because of this journal, I decided to create a web series about my life after next
Friday. **"30 and..."**. I need to let the idea grow, but I think about making an
hors-série on Anchor (9 platforms matter), with music and testimonials... I'm a
singer, I'm a songwriter, and**I make good music (let's shut up imposter
syndrome!).

**

Lastly,**I loved to document each last second of my 20s.** I **started this decade
as a romantic and dreamer girl who could fall in love with a drawing, now I finish
as a cute but fierce woman,** very artistic but doubtful to fall in love with
someone. I have the cutest fan of the world, but that's all. I don't even know its
gender, I just have some suspicions that it's a man. So, I need to sleep, tomorrow
I'll do a poster for Biblical Fair and record a music video**. \#SleepWell my
darling, beauty. I'll be back one day...**

---