Our Wild and Wonderful Journey to Family

by Laurie Wallin, Speaker and Certified Life Coach

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Maybe because it was a role I knew well growing up
the oldest child in a single-parent family. Or maybe because I’ve always loved the
laundry-detergent-meets-milky-snuggliness smell they have. Whatever it was, it drew
me to many child-development activities throughout high school and college, and
ultimately to a job teaching in the public schools.

It was there that I first interacted with the idea of foster care. Since I taught hands-on
science classes, it was a natural place for the “troubled kids” to come, in order to try to
mainstream out of special education. So I had a greater-than-average number of those
kids in my classes - and a large number of those were children in foster care. As I taught
them, I fell in love with their determination, funkiness, and even the tough behaviors that
obviously stemmed from a life of hurt. I wanted to raise children like that as my own one
day.

Which did happen, but not at all how I expected! Once hubby and I decided we were
ready to have children, my body was NOT on board! Enter 3 years of medical tests,
infertility treatments, tears, and growing heartbreak over the unmet longing to be a
mom. At one point in the lowest season, some friends came over to “listen in prayer”
with us - to discern God’s heart for us as a family, and whether that would include
children at all.

In that 45-minute time, I heard nothing. Saw no visions. Felt no tugging in any direction.
I just cried. But my husband did sense something: a clear leading for us to “open the
door to adoption.” So we did. After a few months, and amazing divine appointments, we
felt led to adopt from local foster care. We began the foster/adopt process through
the county, and 18 months later had our first placement. Two toddlers - biological
sisters - who would become our own a few years later.

If infertility left me feeling trampled, the foster-to-adopt process was far worse. Having
heard stories of birth families and foster or adoptive families getting along well for the
sake of the children, we expected a peaceful relationship with the kids’ family. But that
was not our story. For our daughters’ sake, I will leave out most details, but will say that
it was the hardest transition to motherhood I could ever imagine! It’s hard enough having
“twins,” but to become mom to two traumatized toddlers (we were their 8th placement!)
and have to manage dozens of phone calls a day, and visits with angry, grieving,
mentally ill birth parents? It was the hardest time we’ve faced as a couple. And the only
time in 12 years together that divorce seriously entered the conversation.

But we made it, by the grace of God! And what most amazes me about the
process of adopting my girls is this: they couldn’t be more mine if they tried. They
are wild and hyper like us. They love nature and writing like me. My oldest is a lefty,
creative type like my mom. And, as only God could orchestrate, both girls also are like
grandma in ways I wish they weren’t - they both have bipolar disorder. It was something
that didn’t become obvious until 3 years into the placement with us, after the adoption
was finalized, and despite consistency and counseling, it was crystal clear we were
dealing with more than attachment issues alone.

For the sake of those among you either considering foster/adoption of toddler or older,
or who have them already placed in your home, here’s what I recommend to help the
family thrive in raising behaviorally challenging, traumatized, or special needs kids from
“the system.”

1. Remember you are a caregiver before you’re a parent. Here’s why: love is NOT
enough for these kids. I went in to the relationship with my daughters wanting to be their
mom. Which I was not, especially until after the adoption finalized. I needed to do the
double-duty jobs of loving, playing and consistently disciplining like their mom (so they’d
feel safe and loved), and acting as participant-observer who shrewdly used attachment
parenting and a sense of emotional distance and light-heartedness (to keep them from
controlling our home and recreating the chaos they knew before).

2. Read... the right kinds of books. Not the classic parenting books (not yet, anyway).
I’m talking about Parenting With Love and Logic, Setting Limits, Parenting the Hurt
Child, and Daniel Hughes’ Building Bonds of Attachment. If you only read the last one I
mentioned before your placement starts, you’ll be well-equipped to understand what life
can be like for the first months to a year with a child whose life was ripped apart before
they met you.

3. Get connected with the Pro’s. For us to manage kids with attachment-related
behavior issues (stealing, hurting, lying, manipulation), we had a well-trained respite-
provider who’d watch the kids while we recuperated every few weeks. You’ll also need a
good attachment therapist. This was the hardest thing for us to find, but once you’ve
read Hughes’ book, you’ll know what to look for and you can move on if your current
therapist doesn’t get it.

4. Trust your instincts. It is the only thing you have to go on when raising heartbroken
children who may do everything they can to bring your home into chaos. Not because
they’re malicious, but because they are deeply hurt and scared to form a bond with you
after all they’ve faced. When you start to feel like you’re nuts and can’t even hear your
instincts anymore, call the respite provider and get a break. It will be the best thing you
could ever do for your child as you both walk the challenging road toward family.
Laurie is a wife and mom of four - two foster/adopted with bipolar, ADHD and
developmental delays. A former junior high teacher turned speaker and life coach, she
loves to help women learn, laugh, live their strengths, and thrive in all circumstances.

Find more articles and resources on overcoming challenges and raising foster/adopted
and special needs kids at her website: lauriewallin.com.

Also, please come check out another site she writes for - 5 Minutes for Special Needs
(5minutesforspecialneeds.com) - it’s a fabulous resource for encouragement, education
and support!