M ARRIED C OUPLES S TUDY

G UIDE
Seven Categories for a Successful Marriage

This lesson is designed to be an introductory guide to a successful

marriage through living in God‘s love.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be
joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.
Ephesians 5:31

Scott A. Lomas
11/16/2010
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Living in God’s Love

Seven Categories for a Successful Marriage

So, Where Do We Begin?

Well let‘s start off with the fact there is no ―secret‖ to a successful marriage and
no two marriages are alike. Let‘s also mention the fact that becoming a Christian
married couple, whether since the beginning or converting later in years, does
not make you immune from arguments or divorce. As a matter of fact, you may
find that you may come under more attacks, the stronger your relationship
grows. One thing we do have on our side as a Christian couple, we have all the
information needed to have a successful marriage that is pleasing to Christ. All
we have to do is live it!

Playing Field
I think this is a good place to setup some rules and expose some truths. During
the next 7 days you will not raise your voices to each other or speak words that
are not pleasing to our Father. That does not mean that you have to agree with
everything your spouse says or like everything they do, because the fact is you
will have opportunities to argue and be angry, but you can choose to respond in
a manner that pleases God.

Our Rights and Identification

When you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior,
you accepted His adoption of you into His family. The Book
of Galatians chapter 4 tells us; ―... so that we might receive Prince &
adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent
Princess
the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, ‗Abba, Father!‘‖
Do you know what that means? The person you are married
to is a Prince or Princess and how do you think the King
would like it if you were not treating His prince or princess in a manner that is not
pleasing to Him?

Break it Down
This guide is broken down into seven (7) categories; Responsibility,
Communication, Forgiveness, Comparison, Permission, Money and Sex. Each
category is designed to give you some insight on how God shows us examples of
how we should live and how we should treat each other. The hope is for you to
understand it and apply it to your daily life and continue to learn and grow
together.

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RESPONSIBILITY (LOVE & RESPECT)

What are we commanded to do for each other?

God created us Man and Woman neither one is better than the other, just
different. Because we are different we act and react differently. Despite what
the world tells us, we have different roles and responsibilities.

Wives
For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the
head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body,
the church. – Ephesians 5:22-23

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then,
even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them
without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent
lives. 1 Peter 3:1-2

Husbands
For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He
gave up his life for her… - Ephesians 5:25

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife
with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but
she is your equal partner in God‘s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your
prayers will not be hindered. – 1 Peter 5:7

Exercise – Responsibility

So, what does this mean for a husband/wife?

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COMMUNICATION
Communication is more than just lip service.

It seems that most people believe that to be a ―good communicator‖ is to be a

good speaker. In fact, to be a good or better yet ―effective‖ communicator we
must be able listen as well if not better than we speak.

We can see an example of this in the Book of James; "My dear brothers, take
note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to
become angry." – James 1:19

After all are we not equipped with two ears and one mouth? So, we should listen
twice as much as we speak. Also note that it says, ―slow to become angry‖, that
does not imply that we should never become angry just that we should control
what we are angry about and respond in a way that would be pleasing to God.

While in the Book of James, let‘s take a look at chapter 3 verses 2-12 and break it
down.

Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues,
we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.

We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit

in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot
chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the
tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches.

But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of
fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can
set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.

People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one
can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison.
Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those
who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing
come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is
not right! Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and
bitter water? Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs?
No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.

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Communication continued…
As you can see effective communication can do amazing things, but it can also
be destructive. Take nearly 30 years of experience in one day as solid advice.
Before you speak to your spouse ask yourself if you would tolerate someone
speaking to him or her in the same way you are about to or the manner in which
you just did.

Exercise – Communication

Ask your spouse for 3 specific bullet points on how you can improve your
communication skills (speaking and/or listening)
Remember this is not a free-for-all or time to start bashing. This is a means to an
end…an end to the same old arguments.

Wife


Husband


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FORGIVENESS
The strength of a chain is measured at the weakest link.

Well let‘s start this category with what is obvious, but we often forget, ―We are
not perfect and will make mistakes.‖ That‘s right there was only one perfect
person that walked the face of this earth and He gave His life so that you could
be forgiven.

If you put it in perspective, doesn‘t it seem trivial to hold a grudge for something
said or done by someone you love compared to Christ giving His life for ALL the
things you did, so that you may go to heaven?

Let‘s Go To The Manual

That‘s right I said manual, after all a manual is a book of instructions, right? If you
look at the word Bible as an acronym, you will see why. (Basic Instructions Before
Leaving Earth)

Patience
Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults
because of your love. Ephesians 4:2

Kindness
“… be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as
God through Christ has forgiven you.” –Ephesians 4:32

What comes around…goes around

For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will
forgive you as well. But if you don't forgive people, your Father will not
forgive your wrongdoing. – Matthew 6:14-15

You forgave…now forget

Love…does not keep a record of wrongs. – 1 Corinthians 13:5

Seems pretty simple and straight forward, then why is it so difficult to put into
practice? An important thing to remember, you may need to ask for forgiveness
with a truthful heart. Part of that means setting your heart towards repentance
(fancy word for turning away from your sin).

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Exercise – Forgiveness

What is the one thing you could not forgive your spouse for?

What would you like your spouse to forgive you for? (Keep it silent and share with
your spouse later)

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COMPARISON
Apples versus Trucks

I believe that we begin to look at our spouse differently than the moment we
―fell in love‖ when you begin to compare him/her to others. This is a huge
mistake most couples make and is the easiest to solve, ―Don‘t do it!‖

Another comparison mistake is comparing the ―past‖ with the ―present‖, you
know how this is done, ―you were so much thinner when I met you.‖ Or ―you had
a nice head of hair when I met you.‖ Just remember, for every flaw you find in
your spouse‘s appearance they could find that many and more in you.

Covet or desire almost always begins with comparison. If you stop and take a
moment, it is the wrong that you see in your spouse that you are comparing to
the right you see in another person. You cannot compare apples to dump trucks.

Command
―Do not desire your neighbor's wife or covet your neighbor's house…‖ -
Deuteronomy 5:21

Lust at First Sight

One evening David got up from his bed and strolled around on the roof of the
palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing—a very beautiful woman. So
David sent someone to inquire about her, and he reported, "This is Bathsheba,
daughter of Eliam and wife of Uriah the Hittite." 2 Samuel 11:2-3

Exercise – Comparison

What was the most romantic date you both had?

For the next 7 days, share one thing with your spouse that attracted you to
him/her and write it down.

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PERMISSION
The key to successful relationship is accountability

It seems to be in our nature not to have people point out the things we do wrong
or reveal our flaws. This is a form of pride and we should be willing to accept
constructive criticism from our spouse.

So what is criticism? The website Dictionary.com defines it as; ―advice that is

useful and intended to help or improve something, often with an offer of possible
solutions.‖

As you can see by the definition above, the intention of Constructive Criticism is
to help you. This is where permission is key to opening the doors to constructive
criticism and this is exactly the approach I wise person would take.

―Brothers, if someone is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual

should restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for
yourselves so you won't be tempted also. Carry one another's burdens; in
this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.‖ – Galatians 6:1-2

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. - Proverbs 27:17

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are
already doing. - 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Now some rules for the person giving the constructive criticism. It is often wise to
ask or remind your spouse that they gave you permission, prior to offering the
criticism. The approach usually dictates how it will be received.

Exercise – Permission

Turn to your spouse and give him/her permission to keep you in check and living
a life that is pleasing to God.

Find a Christian of the same sex and ask them to be your accountability partner.

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MONEY
Is this the root of all evil?

Well the best way to start this topic is to quote statistics. The highest rate of
marital problems is not adultery, abuse or even sex. Statistics show that 37% of
marital problems derive from financial situations.

Let‘s first take a look at saving money, the Bible tells us in Proverbs 13:22; ―A good
man leaves an inheritance to his grandchildren…‖ This is a good indicator that
God wants us to make a difference, financially, in our family tree.

We are born free and God intended us to only serve Him and nothing or no one
else. A couple of good scriptures that God reveals this, to us, is in Matthew 6:24;
―No one can be a slave of two masters, since either he will hate one and love
the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot be slaves of
God and of money.‖ and ―The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is a
slave to the lender.‖ – Proverbs 22:7

In Romans 13:8 we find that being in debt to anyone can interfere with love, ―Do
not owe anyone anything, except to love one another, for the one who loves
another has fulfilled the law.‖

So to sum it up using modern lingo, You can either serve ―bling‖ or the ―King‖.

Exercise – Money

Agree to sit down and come up with a plan to become debt free within 2 years.
(See last page for resource links)

Agree that all purchases during the next 2 pay periods will be agreed upon prior
to purchases and nothing will be purchased with credit.

Finally read out loud 1 Tim. 6:8-11

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SEX (FACE TIME )

The ULTIMATE gift given for marriage

Most people think that they wouldn‘t find anything about S E X in the Bible. There
are numerous scriptures that reference this area.

Poetic
Oh, that he would kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is more
delightful than wine. - Song of Solomon 1:2

Drink water from your own cistern, water flowing from your own well.
Should your springs flow in the streets, streams of water in the public
squares?

They should be for you alone and not for you [to share] with strangers.

Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of your youth.

A loving doe, a graceful fawn—let her breasts always satisfy you; be lost in
her love forever. –Proverbs 5:15-19

A Warning
Do you not know that your bodies are the members of Christ? So should I
take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute?
Absolutely not! Do you not know that anyone joined to a prostitute is one
body with her? For it says, The two will become one flesh. - 1 Corinthians
6:15-16

We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did—and in

one day twenty-three thousand of them died. – 1 Corinthians 10:8

You often here the expression, ―what happens behind closed doors…‖ This is a
perversion of the Truth. Your body does not belong to you (read: 1 Cor. 3:16-17;
6:19-20).

Finally, do not use sex as a bargaining tool to get your way.

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Helpful Links and Resources

Web Address Description
Excellent online Bible. Good for referencing
BibleGateway.com
multiple versions of the Bible.

Great website to hear how to pronounce a word.

howjsay.com
(e.g. ―Pentateuch‖)

Just a good website to find all kinds of information

christianity.com
on Christianity and events.
Think of this as YouTube without the filth. Many
inspiring videos and music. Check this out when
GodTube.com
you get a chance:
http://www.godtube.com/featured/video/bridge
Excellent resource for budgeting materials and
DaveRamsey.com
getting out of debt.

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