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Lesson Seven
I. THE APPROACH
“Husbands, love your wives as Christ also loved the Church ... So also ought
men to love their wives as their own bodies.”
How marvelous, then sublime and unique, is the union of husband and wife
in a marriage that is truly Christian) How inspiring its challenge to mould
their union to the likeness of their Divine Model. How almost incredible this
invitation to share ever more deeply the copious spiritual and earthly fruits of
their union by drawing ever closer the bonds of their own intimate
resemblance to the loving union of Christ with His Church.
The first Christians were keenly aware of this resemblance, and in their lives
as in their words, they proclaimed it with an ardor and a fervor as inspired as
those of St. Paul. They willingly accorded the special respect due to virginity
but they did not hesitate to proclaim as well their profound conviction that
Christian marriage likewise provides a means of moulding oneself according
to the Model, Christ.
We, in this twentieth century, need to return to the early concept of Christian
marriage. We must, in doing so, discard the prevalent false notion that
holiness of life is something for priests and religious only, that these have a
monopoly on perfection and “no others need apply.” We must also get rid of
that other wrong idea that marriage is a state of life reserved for those who
are incapable of great holiness, or for those who would satisfy themselves
with a sort of mediocre perfection bordering on lukewarmness. Such is not
the case! On the contrary, Christian marriage as a way of life is a definite
means through which to become perfect, a way of life wherein extraordinary
virtues can be developed and practiced with untold blessings and joy.
It is an undeniable fact that among the great tragedies of our day are the
false attitudes, the false sets of values, that have grown up around the idea
of marriage. In the face of the widespread onslaught against the very
foundations of the family, the true Christian ideal of marriage has been
largely forgotten.
The modern counterparts of St. Paul still stand in the forefront of the present-
day battle against diabolical attitudes towards marriage. Pope Leo XIII’s
encyclical “Arcanum”, presenting anew the Christian ideal of marriage, has
been supplemented within the very recent past by Pope Pius XI’s clear,
straightforward encyclical letter “Casti Connubii.” His successor, Pope Pius
XII, regularly in his public audiences impresses upon his hearers the Christian
ideal, the true ideal of marriage, in an earnest attempt to help them realize
the only attitude that can bring true happiness and joy. And yet it is
discouraging to find that despite these efforts so many, even among our
more devout Catholics, know so little concerning the Church’s teachings on
this subject; so many among those already married and among those
planning marriage have such vague ideas concerning this state that their
condition is pathetic. Their union that might have started with promise of
great holiness and consequent great happiness, settles down into a drab,
routine, prosaic relationship. Something is lacking, and invariably that
something is a full realization of the sublimity of the state to which they have
been called.
While it is indeed surprising that such a situation does exist, it is even more
surprising that there are some who, calling themselves Catholics,
nevertheless lack the courage to base their attitude towards marriage on
God’s teaching as revealed in the Gospels. It is a sad commentary on the
spiritual life of these individuals that they allow themselves to be swayed
into weak compliance with lust laden co-workers, movies, novels or
magazines. Too often; they know and understand little or nothing of the
beauty of Christian marriage ... nor will they make any attempt to know or
understand the pattern God had in mind when He instituted this great
sacrament. To them the beautiful is silly and impractical, the sublime is
subject-matter for ridicule, Christian marriage is something belonging to an
outdated era with no application to our fast-moving, modern way of life. To
them, marriage is something of a convenient, sentimental union to be
classed with pleasant personality, graceful, correct manners, handsome
smiling features, and/or soap, toothpaste and razor blade advertisements.
Even we who are serious and courageous enough to studiously prepare for
happy marriage according to sound Christian teaching, do sometimes feel a
tinge of reticence in the face of the overwhelming, scintillating mass of
pagan ideas that are thrown at us from every side. But what of those who do
not bother to make any preparation whatsoever? Reluctantly or freely, with
To understand and appreciate all the real beauty and grandeur of marriage,
we must strive to see it through the eyes of Christ, to see it from His point of
view, in its relationship to God. We must strive to acquire His attitude and
outlook towards marriage. We must look to Christ to learn how marriage
acquires its spiritual values, and how through Him every intimate detail of
married life assumes all the joy and happiness and fullness of life intended
for this sacred state. It is this outlook on marriage that we now seek to re-
establish.
Obviously, such an error can lead only to grave results. The moment we take
marriage away from God and place it under the unrestricted control of man,
we open the door to serious abuses. Denying that God has any lawful
interest or authority over marriage, the next step, logically, is to deny that
God has any right to impose any conditions. This false and foolish notion
finds considerable support from undisciplined passions when God’s
conditions might mean interfering with some pleasures we had planned for
ourselves.
From the moment that a married couple eject God from His position as
Supreme Authority over their lives, we can mark the beginning of the
degradation of marriage in their sight. Henceforth, each becomes to the
other merely a source of selfish pleasure and, when for one reason or
another, this is disrupted or lost entirely, it results generally in seeking these
same satisfactions through disloyalties away from home.
a) CHILDREN COME FROM GOD It was God Himself who made the sexes
when He created the first man and the first woman. He made them different
sexes so that one would complete the other in a project that He Himself
willed should be accomplished.
In the first lines of the Bible, we read how God created man to His own
“image and likeness,” that He created “male and female” after which He
blessed them both, commanding them to bear fruit: “Increase and multiply,
and fill the earth, and subdue it ...” Obviously, when God created and
blessed man and woman, He wanted them to cooperate with Him in the
propagation of the human race.
In this project of creating human beings to fill the earth, God associates the
married couple with Himself and makes them co-creators. He calls upon
parents to cooperate fully, soul and body, in order to form a new body. To
Himself He reserves the power to create a human soul and infuse it into the
body that they have prepared. In performing this function, they imitate the
power of God, even borrow that power, working in intimate cooperation with
Him, associating themselves with Him, and placing themselves completely at
His service. What then of parents who refuse to cooperate with God their
Creator!
“The parents imitate!” In human procreation, the parents not only give
themselves over to serve the will of God, but their action imitates the action
of God. Did not God the Father beget the Son, equal to Him in all respects
and His own perfect image? However, the fruit of the Divine generation, the
Son, is far superior to the offspring of human generation.
The creative act of human parents only imperfectly resembles that Divine
generation which it imitates; nevertheless, this human act must follow from a
decision of the will which has been motivated by love. Otherwise it would
resemble only the mating of animals.
Here we have the crux of the whole question: Which order shall prevail in
establishing the pattern of marriage? Shall we evaluate marriage according
to the standards of God’s supernatural point of view, OR according to the
chaotic plan that mortal man has tried to substitute in order to cater to
unbridled instincts ?
It is only in God’s Plan that we discover how truly exalted and inspiring is her
rightful status : “A man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave to his
wife; and they shall be two in one flesh.” Two in one flesh forever. Two beings
united forever, each giving to the other constant, undivided love, each
complementing the other, merging his or her personality in that of the other,
finding ever-increasing joy and fulfillment in their union together as, day by
day, they mould their life to reflect ever more clearly and perfectly the image
of Christ Who dwells in their hearts and home.
God’s Plan for marriage includes, therefore, for both husband and wife much
more than just the short-lived procreative act. Marriage, according to His
Plan, is a complete way of life that establishes a permanent bond between
the two spouses, a bond so sacred that, once it has been contracted and
sealed, no man-made law can dissolve it: “What God hath joined together,
let no man put asunder.” It is a way of life richly laden with happiness for the
couple who dedicate their lives to each other for the purpose of constantly
helping and encouraging the other to rise to greater summits of holiness. In
these lofty aspirations and because of them, the souls of the contracting
parties are joined and knit together.
When, however, Our Lord came to earth, He came “for our sakes,” not only
to bring forgiveness to men of good will, but also to lead men to a share in
the peace, the joy and harmony of heaven while still bound to earth. To
accomplish this purpose, He instituted the seven sacraments as the channels
of His grace. “A sacrament is an outward sign instituted by Christ to give
grace.” A simple explanation may help to clarify this further: John the Baptist
poured water on those who came to him. Nevertheless, this action on his
part was incapable of cleansing his penitents from sin or of giving them
grace. On the other hand, when Our Lord decreed that the pouring of water
and the saying of certain words should be able to cleanse the soul from sin
and bestow grace on it, He merely took a practice that already existed and
made it a sacrament. Christ simply took the outward sign that already
existed (the actions through which John baptized), and empowered it to give
grace, in this way instituting the sacrament of Baptism.
The same distinction applies for Matrimony. Whereas the sacrament itself
consists of the mutual consent expressed in the marriage vows during the
ceremony (a transitory act that requires but a few moments on their wedding
day), the sacramental state is the married life, the permanent, indissoluble
union resulting from the first consent. It is a state that God intends to endure
“until death do us part.” This state of being married is always under the
influence of the sacrament of Matrimony since Matrimony, like each of the
other sacraments, gives a special grace, called sacramental grace, which
helps one to carry out the particular purpose of that sacrament. Thus, this
state is called the sacramental state since the effect of the sacrament
continues and endures after it has been conferred.
A sacrament of itself produces grace in the soul of the person who receives
it. It follows, therefore, that from the moment the couple accept the marriage
state, from that moment until death intervenes, each is a co-worker with God
in dispensing the grace of the sacrament to the other, the husband to the
wife, the wife to the husband.
In all Christian tradition, beginning with St. Paul, Christian marriage has
always been regarded as being a profound, spiritual reality, modeled upon
the union of Christ with His Church. In order to grasp a little of the beauty
and splendor that is Christian marriage, we must therefore understand better
the deep mystery of the union of Christ with the Church, and see therein the
perfect love which should be typical of two in one flesh. Christ came on earth
only for His church, the society that He wished to found; as soon as founded,
the Church’s only concern henceforth was for Christ, her Master: Christ gives
Himself entirely and dies for the Church; the Church suffers and is
persecuted constantly in order to win more souls for Christ, souls in which,
and through which, Christ continues to live on earth. A union as intimate, a
fusion of hearts as complete, an affection as mutual, exclusive, and durable
Marriage and virginity are not to be considered as being on the same footing,
however. The celibate who willingly takes a vow of celibacy making it a fixed
way of life, differs from the married person by the very special renunciations
which he makes with the help of supernatural love. In conjugal life also there
is place for supernatural love, and it is to be found in that mutual love of
husband and wife that is modeled upon the mutual love of Christ and His
Church. Marriage also demands renunciations, and the practice of virtue in
marriage calls for a strong, heroic soul, capable of great sacrifice. In every
way it stimulates the couple to self-improvement. There is absolutely no
concession made to slackness or bad habits.
To sum up: Marriage provides a complete and admirable way to mould our
characters in the image and likeness of Christ, our Model. It can be a normal,
gradual way to become Christ like. Generally speaking, perfection in the
married state will not be found in substituting the duties and habits proper to
other holy states, (see lesson No. 3, page 13) such as those of the religious
This Christian pride is based primarily on the conviction that the marriage
contract admits us to a way of life which God Himself has willed to be a
means of sanctification for us. The very fact that the true purpose of
marriage is not to alienate us from God, but rather is to draw us closer to
Him, dispels all doubt about the possibility of attaining holiness in married
life.
For those who have entered upon married life, it is quite unnecessary to seek
elsewhere the means of salvation and sanctification. Nor need they, after
marriage, look back with regret upon the step they have taken. Constantly
they have right at hand everything necessary to achieve their sanctification.
3) RESPECT FOR ONE’S STATE It is, of course, understood that all this
presupposes an earnest holy respect for God’s will. It presupposes also that
constant, careful attention will be given to God’s will as an assurance that
the marriage will be lived exactly according to God’s plan for it. This
presupposes further that we regard it as a goal over and above our selves, as
something to which we devote the service of our entire being.
To repeat: in marriage as in all else, God is the ruler. His will is our law. Only
under His regime does marriage become exalted, sanctified, and a source of
joy.
If, on the contrary, we force marriage to serve our own purposes, using it to
satisfy our own selfish pleasures (and thereby trample on the sacrament,
hindering it from achieving its purpose) everything of the contrary results:
We drag along in a sorry state of sin; peace of soul is gnawed away by
trouble and disturbance, mutual confidence disintegrates, and harmony
disappears. Even temporal punishments descend upon ourselves and upon
our home. A marriage that mocks its call to sublime living is, in a sense, a
blasphemy, a mockery of the model union of Christ and the Church, and
becomes an instrument of temporal and eternal misery and rebuke.
There is, in fact, only one way to achieve your beautiful ideal: Be honest with
God, live according to His plan for you, by respecting from the profoundest
depths of your heart and soul, the holy things He is entrusting to your care:
4) SAY “YES” TO LIFE Respect for life is the very first concern of
marriage. To parents God has given a wonderful power and ability to bestow
human life on another being. Please note this carefully God’s chief purpose in
God intends that the use of this privilege shall produce pleasure in the
senses of the married couple. This pleasure is normal and permissible, a
powerful instrument in strengthening the marriage bond. It is, however, a
pleasure to be taken within the limits outlined by God. It must never be
sought solely for itself, that is, to the point where it gratifies the desire for
frequent, unrestricted pleasure, while excluding new life. To upset the order
established by God by making pleasure the main purpose of life, nullifying
the well-springs of life in order to gratify this desire for pleasure, is a terrible
mistake. This attitude and practice makes marriage merely an instrument of
selfish delight instead of a noble service: the service of children, the service
of God. In place of being a source of holiness and God-given delight,
marriage is forced to fester in the foul depths of immorality and unclean
living.
It is little wonder that such marriages fail to command our honor and respect.
It is little wonder that such spouses fail so completely to see in their
marriage a means of becoming holy, or to recognize it as a great sacrament
for, a person, enslaved to his selfishness, centers his entire life around
himself and his own selfish outlook and desires.
This is in fact the only attitude possible if reciprocal respect and love are to
be maintained. Any attitude other than this leads only to mutual secret
reproach of one’s mate for the disgust each feels, until finally disgust storms
bitterly forth, venting itself in open contempt.
We must make no mistake here: These children, soul and body, are only.
entrusted to the parents by God. They are on loan to the parents who in turn
are called upon to mould those young lives, by their own teaching and
example, so as to reproduce in them the character of Christ. To help form the
child’s character along these lines, parents must seek, by every legitimate
means within their power, to give Christian meaning, direction and purpose
to these newly developing lives, a Christian direction and consciousness that
will lead them to salvation and real happiness in life.
In this very attitude of the parents lies the factor that adds new meaning and
fullness to their own lives. It is a work that makes life truly rich for, if it is true
that “we taste our greatest joy in making others happy,” it is equally true
that in forgetfulness of self in order to devote ourselves to others, and in our
courageous efforts to fulfill a noble ideal of life, we find our own complete
perfection.
It is by unstinted devotion to the child from its birth through its years of
helplessness and dependence that the souls of the parents themselves are
adorned and sanctified little by little, day by day. It is by this same unstinted
devotion of the parents that each child is to be firmly bound to Christ so that
His supernatural life may flow more readily into the soul of the little one,
preparing him for the years ahead, and for an eternal inheritance. Such a
function approaches that of the priesthood!
Sometimes, parents turn away from such a program as being too lofty and
difficult for them. Nevertheless, it is what God asks of married couples. To us
He entrusts everything concerning the child’s welfare and, in return, He asks
for our complete devotion to the task by making ourselves worthy of this
trust, and by accepting our mission as educators.
This is so true that, even in those cases where no child is born to bless the
home, the characteristic means used to bring the couple to the degree of
perfection required of them is their life together. It is important, therefore,
that we have clear-cut ideas about the meaning and pattern of this life
together.
This attitude of disdain also permeates our every day activities as well as the
thousand tasks that comprise household duties. Why is it that we are
tempted to regard our daily tasks as impediments to our spiritual perfection?
Why do we think that, by comparison with even the most elementary
devotions, these tasks are obstacles from which we must free ourselves as
soon as possible, in order to devote ourselves more completely to pious
works? The problem revolves around the mistaken notion that we can
become holy only by doing the extra.
The truth is that real holiness and perfection comes from faithfully
performing the duties and tasks which our state of life demands of us.
Speaking about sanctity, in relation to the mother of a family, St. Paul has
stated: “Women will be saved by child bearing, if they continue in faith and
love and holiness with modesty.” And yet, how much more has he insisted
upon sanctification for husband and wife through their life together ... and St.
Paul’s words were inspired by God!
In summing up, the husband and wife are no longer distinct, independent
personalities. Marriage unites them into one being, more particularly on the
supernatural level. Christ Himself left no room for argument when He
distinctly specified that the husband “shall leave father and mother, and
shall cleave to his wife, and they shall be two in one flesh. Therefore now
they are not two, but one flesh.”
Evidently, this mutual aid between the spouses adds to marriage still another
eminent quality of service, this time the service of one’s partner. By this
service is meant the obligation of each to develop an attitude of generous
giving to the other, banishing at the same time everything that puts
selfishness first, since selfishness is in reality nothing more nor less than
exploitation of one’s partner.
To serve, and not exploit, means above all the complete giving of self, both
now and in the future. It is not complete giving when you give’ only in words
or in appearance. It is incomplete when you do not consider yourselves as
belonging at all times exclusively to your spouse. You must consider
yourselves as belonging only to your spouse, and that through a permanent,
enduring gift. Any reservation in this giving of oneself only insinuates a spirit
of independence, the spirit of divorce, into the very heart of marriage. St.
Paul, following Christ’s example, strongly commands married couples not to
put asunder what God has joined together. In other words, they should
remain united in their hearts primarily, so that their exterior union will
remain forever intact.
The spirit characteristic of the husband and wife is then truly far exalted
above the merely physical and sexual aspect of the marriage bond. This is
what we mean when we speak of the spirituality of marriage. This is why it is
a captivating ideal, a thing beloved and ever more ardently desired and
sought. This ideal implies no attitude of “ball and chain,” restraining our
freedom and stifling our souls relentlessly and unendingly. Far to the
contrary, it is an ideal envisioned by Pius XI as a golden bond that adorns,
rather than fetters, the spouses, a bond which, rather than shackling them,
adds further to their strength.
The marriage bond is truly golden when it inclines the will of each to the
other, when it binds two beings from within, in heart and soul, by everything
that is most intimate in each. It is gold when from it springs solicitude for the
In brief, it is love that gives to the marriage bond its exceptional value and
strength, for a love that is pure and unselfish is a love that exalts and
expands the whole being.
Such love is the direct opposite of all self-seeking. And yet, we must
constantly be on guard against lapsing into this self-seeking love: We can
love someone for the satisfaction he or she gives us; we can love someone
for our own joy, in loving; we can seek it through our own vulgar urges of
instinct. Nevertheless, in all these cases, there is not real love, not the type
of love that is truly worthy of man. If the husband and wife remain bound by
the shackles of instinct, sensual attraction, and the thirst for pleasure, they
degrade their marriage to the level of a duel between two selfish, hardened
wills. Such a love does not unite. On the contrary, it only divides the spouses.
Oh, it’s true, the bodies unite but hearts and souls become ever more
isolated from each other.
True love will always be concerned primarily with the welfare of the beloved,
beginning with the welfare of the partner’s soul. Love means devotion. It is to
give rather than to receive, rather than to attract to one’s self. To love will be
to always respect and venerate the other for to love is to have a keen
awareness of the magnificence and spiritual splendor of a human soul. To
love will ever be for the man and woman, created as they are in the image
and likeness of God, a matter of heart and will much more than the mere
fluttering of the senses because conjugal love, though deeply rooted in
instinct, is most of all a deep friendship„ an affection of which only those
endowed with intelligence are capable. (See Lesson 3.)
Married couples are never alone, however; they are not left to their own
resources: They have God for them, they have God with them ... as much as
they want Him. Thanks to this Divine presence, the fullness of sublime love is
no longer impossible for the spouses to attain but is now entirely at: their
beck and call.
This presence of God, resulting from the sacrament, lasts forever. His grace
is offered at every moment and is especially adapted to meet the particular
needs of married life. Therein lies the great secret of Christian marriage.
Therein rests also the first foundation of that perfection required of the
married couple.
Here especially it is important to recall what has already been stated about
the purposes of marriage ... the procreation and education of children, the
mutual help, etc., in both lives. When they should be urging on to greater
achievements, these tasks, cut off from their supernatural source, become
burdensome and exhausting; birth prevention, false education, disgust,
separation, divorce, all these become the miserable estate of those who shut
God out of their lives.
By contrast, when God is the foundation upon which matrimonial life is built,
everything acquires a different meaning: the procreation and education of
children become works of sublime cooperation with God; cohabitation
becomes a unique way of growing in holiness through the gift of self; love
becomes an illumination and spiritualization of the instincts, and not a
wallowing in the flesh.
6) OUR EYES TOWARDS OUR MODEL Those who sincerely want to scale
the heights must keep their eyes raised towards the summit. Because to be a
Christian means to be striving diligently to become perfect, Christian couples
can only attain this perfection by associating themselves with the very
source and essence of Christianity - Christ. (There is no inspiration to be
drawn from places, persons or things which are not concerned with Christ.)
The union of Christ and His Church is their constant, perfect Model, the only
model worth their while, and worthy of them. For them, to look constantly
upon their Model, is to draw constant inspiration from it. Remove Christ, and
what is there to distinguish that home from any pagan home?
In connection with this precept laid down by St. Paul, let us turn to the
Encyclical “Casti Connubii,” on Christian Marriage: “Truly, Christ has
embraced His Church with a boundless love, not for the sake of His own
advantage, but seeking only the good of His Spouse.”
The entire choice centers around this one point: Will Christian couples find
their happiness and fullness of life in following the example of their Divine
Model, OR will they disdain their Divine Model in order to seek elsewhere the
happiness that will thus forever elude them? “My heart is restless, 0 God,
unless it rests in Thee.” Which will you choose ...?