Can love and relationships be studied as a science?

William Proxmire thought the idea was

laughable: In 1975, the then — Democratic senator from Wisconsin bestowed a "Golden
Fleece" — Proxmire's trademark award spotlighting examples of frivolous government
spending — on a National Science Foundation grant supporting research on love.

Love is so mysterious, the senator scoffed, that applying scientific methods in an effort to
better understand it was a waste of time. What's more, he added, even if we could understand
it, we were better off leaving it a mystery.

Turns out he was wrong on both counts.

"There is a huge body of research on how couples' relationships develop and change, and the
scientific literature is increasingly clear on the best strategies for keeping these relationships
strong," says Psychology Professor Thomas Bradbury.

Can You Relate?

As to why we should want to know? "Nothing — whether it's financial status, work life,
physical health or anything else — is as closely correlated with overall happiness as being in a
good relationship," adds Benjamin Karney M.A. '92, Ph.D. '97, associate professor of
psychology and, like Bradbury, a contributor to the growing scientific literature on marriage
and other intimate relationships.

With so many couples taking their relationship advice from non-scientific sources, including
the endless supply of self-help books on the market, Bradbury and Karney took it upon
themselves to create a venue for communicating research-based knowledge about what does
and doesn't work. The Relationship Institute at UCLA, established in 2007, distills more than
two decades of research by scholars on intimate relationships and translates it into practical
tips that couples of all kinds and in any kind of partnership can use to strengthen their bond.

Typically, Bradbury and Karney say, relationships go south because of two related but distinct
processes: an escalation of negativity and a decline in positivity. This sounds simple and
obvious, but preventing or reversing these trends is anything but elemental. Before couples
know it, conflicts last longer and spread like wildfire into new areas. Life pressures and
responsibilities conspire to push aside the aspects that once drew the pair together.

What can couples do to buck these trends? Bradbury and Karney suggest taking these 10
proactive steps:

Create Opportunities for Positive Interactions

In the course of a relationship it's natural to become acclimated to your partner's most
attractive features, to the point that they are easily overlooked. The most successful couples
learn to stay connected in even the most mundane ways. They make it a point to establish
rituals that ensure they are bonding on a daily basis.

Bring New Energy into the Relationship

We all know there's a big difference between the first time we kiss our partner and the 1,000th
time. Engaging in new activities — dance lessons, rollerblading, social groups — keeps the
relationship fresh by allowing partners to see each other in novel settings and relate in
different ways.

Support Each Other Subtly

Announcing to your partner that you'll be assuming the cooking chores that night because he
or she is under stress seems like a good thing, but when you put it that way, you're sending
two negative messages: 1) the partner isn't up to the task; and 2) you want credit for your
good deed and are creating a debt to be repaid. Bradbury suggests a better approach: "Honey,
I saw this interesting chicken recipe — mind if I try that out tonight?"

Avoid Quid Pro Quo Thinking

"Unhappy couples track the debits and credits that go into a relationship account," says
Bradbury. "Happy couples simply put in as much as they can without focusing on the
withdrawals."

Encourage Disclosures

Revealing fears and insecurities adds depth to a relationship, but we are less likely to leave
ourselves vulnerable if doing so isn't met with support — or, worse, comes with a price. In
successful relationships, partners recognize when the other is expressing vulnerability and
they reward, rather than punish, them for it.

Limit Negativity

Relationships are about taking care of each other, about seeing and validating the best in the
other. "These goals are threatened when we yell at our partner, say mean things or defend our
position without reaching out in an effort to understand what our partner is trying to say," says
Bradbury.

Keep Conflicts Issue-Specific

In any intimate relationship, of course, disagreements are inevitable. The key, notes Karney,
is to keep them localized. "If a partner is late for an appointment, we can generalize it to say,
'This is an inconsiderate person,' or we can keep it specific," he explains. "Happy couples
don't ignore the negativity, but they don't let it bleed into other parts of their relationship."

Be Aware of Stress

Conflicts often arise during stressful times, when it becomes easy to lash out at the person
closest to us. The constraints that cause these feelings are often not obvious. Staying attuned
to stress — both in yourself and in your partner — buffers the relationship from these
pressures by helping couples see that it is outside forces that are contributing to the hard
times, and that this doesn't mean the relationship is threatened.

Revel in the Good

Yes, how you handle conflict and whether you and your partner are there for each other
during difficult times are vitally important. But behavior in good times is equally telling. "The
happiest couples know how to build on the positives," says Karney. "When good things
happen, they seize on those opportunities and celebrate them. That can be very powerful."

Elevate the Relationship to Most Important Status

We exercise daily to invest in good health. We set aside part of our paycheck to invest in our
retirement. The health of our intimate relationship is no less important than our physical or
financial health — and arguably it is more so. "We urge people not to take their relationship
for granted, but to invest in it every day," says Karney.

Expanding upon social-learning and vulnerability-stress-adaptation

approaches to marriage, the impact of multiple dyadic behaviors on
marital satisfaction trajectories was examined in 101 couples. Semi-
structured interviews were administered separately to husbands and
wives at three months of marriage. Interviewers generated objective
ratings for five domains: emotional closeness/intimacy, sexual
intimacy/sensuality, interspousal support, decision-making/relational
control, and communication/conflict management. Marital satisfaction was
assessed four times over three years. Dyadic behaviors were associated
with initial levels and rates of change in satisfaction, demonstrating the
unique contributions of each relational skill on marital development. For
husbands, sexual intimacy was the strongest predictor of change whereas
for wives, communication/conflict management was the strongest
predictor of change compared to other domains. Theoretical,
methodological and clinical implications are discussed.