Vague...

one would expect

contrast with something = indication of a specific point
unusual. Likewise for in time, following verb/action
"often" (which is somewhat does not fit, sentence is
redundant). broken

What wood? Describe

THE LUNA MOTH or use generic term
"woods" Quite a few
Is it a fucking eagle? Too vague. words to tell us
Too many
absolutely
words.
repetition nothing.
"incandescently" old
Eli was an8 years boy who lived with his mother in a small house in the wood. At dusk, she Who/what/where
is awkward.
the front door attracted? are those
usually lit the lantern by the front door, which often attracted many creatures. One night, a large people?
Is anything at all
incandescently green moth was perched near the lantern. “Mum, what kind of bug is this?” Eli asked. happening to
them? Why the
“It's called a Luna Moth.” She said. “My mother loved them but they aren't as common anymore. fuck should we
This one's really gorgeous.” How do the two clauses As opposed to when? care about
separated by "but" them?
Wait what? oppose eachother? Don't start a sentence with a
Well I guess I'll
See, it works "also" = several conjunction. Juxtaposition of Parenthetical statement is
have to take your things, where's
now. sentences is enough of a logical longer than the sentence's
word for it, the first one? connection main idea.
character.
Eli was usually unafraid of the night, also thanks to the light from the porch lantern streaming
He has a window,
like, on him or in through his window, but that night he felt uneasy. So when he heard his bedroom door creak Who the fuck is
something? that? What the fuck
Why would he
open, he called out slightly fearfully: “Mum?” A softer voice responded: “No Piccolo, it's me. I is going on?
how exciting... softer than what? wait, who?
want to mask his thought to tell you a story to help you get to sleep. Would you like me to?” “Of course Nonna!” Eli
excitement in the go? Except it's not light
blue because it's
first place?
Also dialog content
replied, failing to mask his excitement. She sat on the old rocking chair and started: A“Long time ago night, and you can't
what old rocking chair? like a car engine?
s/b enough to see it because
indicate tone.
the sky was a deep dark blue, nothing like the light blue you see today. The night sky was lit by a you're inside atm (I
1 2 guess since the
beautiful yellow moon and the world glowed with such light. But in those days the world was narrator didn't tell us
the moon is not a type of light, it's a big chunk of rock 3 shit about the
EITHER everything colorless. One evening, while giving way to the night sky, the day sky noticed how pale the world was context of the
repetition "yellow", "colorless" and "pale" have dif. meanings!
glows yellow OR scene).
everything is and decided to give some of its color to the world. Color poured from the sky like blue rain. As dusk
colorless. what color? I'm already lost 4 Wait, is it about the
settled, the world was awash in dazzling shades of blue. Noting this, the moon decided that she too plants now? Since
That word doesn't 5 hello Stephenie Meyer on what, an interstellar notepad? it's doing "the
mean what you should do the same and spent the night pouring out all of her golden yellow glow to all the plants of same", does it
think it means. "too" OR "the same", not both the world was already yellow 3 sentences ago, make up your mind! mean the day sky
Unless green is the world. As the world spun slowly the blue and yellow mixed and blended until they became a only poured on the
supposed to sparkle 6 7 8 plants too before?
or something. beautiful new color that had never been seen before. When dawn came the world exploded into
You probably meant "slowly [...] mixed and blended" = exploded? wat. "for giving" or
"vibrant". brilliant shades of green against the now gentle blue of the sky. So when you admire the beauty of "because they have
which means it wasn't gentle before... why is it suddenly gentle? given"?
How about telling
us who she was
the new growth, remember to thank the moon and sky for they have given such beauty to the
9 1 "the world" per
BEFORE the end
of the paragraph?
world.” Eli's grandma glanced over:; he was fast asleep. She smiled and quietly slipped out. sentence.
wait, what? This whole story would be much Huh, does it just
pop out of
Out of where? You have
given ZERO information
It was capitalized the first time. better served by a pie chart. existence during
the day?
on the context of this
scene.

Did it sign a tenancy

The luna moth had taken a semi permanent residence up near the door at night which suited
TOO VAGUE the door suited them, or the night?
agreement too? It's both Eli and his mother just fine. It kept coming back for the whole spring and then all summer nights there's a
a fucking moth, not I'm not sure this construction comma missing
a middle class as well. What is that even supposed to mean? Door Sounds like a exists in english: somewhere
salesman. is okay but windows are off limits to insects? 5 year old wrote this. "every summer night"?
Would they have declared war on the moth if
Very awkward phrasing
bordering on creepy
it settled near the door *during the day*? This makes no fucking sense whatsoever. Did it
like leave and come back, leave and come back
What the fuck does this moth even
Those people sound awfully prickly about
moth residence matters. everyday for the whole spring or something? have to do with anything anyway?
During that summer, a harsh storm hit and when it was time for bed, Eli's grandma came to How about some
as opposed to an aggreable storm juxtaposition here makes no sense fucking context?
This word still does
help him falling asleep. She sat on the rocking chair and with her usual flair she began to speak: “A
NO how is the following action a proof of "flair"? where when
not mean what you whirl of air spun down from the sky. The girl below hovered for a second before hurling upwards as
think it means and how who?
who? AGAIN you can't use a definite article without a prior introduction
why are you even fast as the swirling column of wind had descended. With a sharp roar the whirlwind erupted into a You don't "return"
reusing it? Do you as opposed to a blunted roar bad placement
have a personal from an event
grudge against
brilliant column of fire then evaporated as if it had never existed at all. Such events were once not unless it's in the
words missing? this makes no sense
"bright"? uncommon and never seen to struggle or look fearful at all; as if a peace comes over them before it "Star Trek
convention" sense
were? struggling? events looking scared? WHAT
happens. Until that girl did, no one had ever returned from such an event. It was her who taught us of the word.
How can: 1) a ?
meteorological not to fear the winds. She tended to speak in cryptic sayings, putting people's minds to rest yet I guess that means
event have feelings NO
(of peace or planting little questions in their heads.” Eli's grandma leaned back for a moment. “Eli?” There was no she SOMEHOW
didn't burst into
otherwise) 2) be pick one, you can't have both
made peaceful response. She quietly slipped out,leaving the end of the tale untold. flames before
before it even being hurled back
comes into to the ground in a
existence heap of broken
So you *almost* told us something vaguely significant bones and
Why? Is Eli dead? Passed out? mangled flesh?
Being abducted by aliens? but then decided not to. Puzzled reader is
It was already an awkward How you can *almost* write a story, stop halfway and puzzled.
way of phrasing it the first
time.
consider your work done just baffles me.
Stop copy/pasting, it's insulting
to your readers.
 Is it hovering in mid air? Link between the two clauses? Definition of PUT OFF
Cause you can't perch while Poking her head boosts her 1 a : disconcert b : repel
Holy shit! Medias res in 2 a : to hold back to a later time b : to induce to wait
huddling, even when you're bug 'nam! powers of perception or
a moth/eagle/salesman with something? 3: to rid oneself of
I'm picturing insects in 4: to sell or pass fraudulently
arms. battle formation & wearing
Insects don't feel despair. tiny helmets right now. lern2yourownfuckingmothertongue
Clutching its little insect legs in
its little insect arms? Once again, an
arbitrary,
irrelevant,
When winter came, the bugs were in full retreat, but Eli noticed that the moth was still there, useless
Sentences are paragraph that
not vans! near frozen, and huddled desperately below the lamp soaking up the little bit of warmth that it put adds absolutely
Cut this shit up. Eli? the moth? the lamp? nothing to
off. His mother poked her head out the door and noticed the moth as well. “Poor thing.” She said. “I characterization
The lamp's mother? redundancypalooza or narration.
wonder how it has survived this long.” Pretty much like
Like, right then and all the text so far.
there, on the floor?
This is where exposition and context normally go by the way.
After dinner Eli laid down for bed. He was almost asleep when the door cracked open and his
can she do anything else but slip? WHY?
grandma slipped in. “I have another story for you.” She said, more quietly than usual. Eli was sleepy
but could not resist and sat up to listen. She began: “Long ago, on a distant mountain, the lives of
Because his ears resist what? being redundant in a redundant web of redundance Feels like a
stop working when plants and animals were intertwined in a web of interdependence that kept the world alive and Wikipedia listing of
he's lying down? random facts.
green. Once every year the mountain would exhale a great sigh and blow its warm winds down the Rethink the
move this over huh FUCKING SPELLING structure and
there face of the mountain. One of the greatest sites to behold was the mighty Kadeso tree. It grew to punctuation.
mountain > tree >
back to mountain is tremendous stature and had broad thick leaves. It had a longevity unmatched by any other creature.
confusing
Rivers were born, formed deep canyons then dried away all while the mighty trees kept watch. When Jump to present is
arbitrary. Move the
the breath of the mountain came each year and kissed the leaves off the trees, they would take flight story into the
slightly confusing pronouns present instead of
Ah, so we're in The as orange and purple butterflies in a single magnificent plume shooting skyward, carrying with them just the grammar
what cycle? you didn't describe one yet because it feels like
Road. How about
actually telling us the seed of the Kadeso trees for the cycle to begin again. One day the mountain grew tired and an error instead of a
about the ?? "one day" = sudden occurence, "grew" & "drifted" = over a period of time point.
interesting bits? drifted into a deep slumber. Without the breath of the mountain the cycle was broken and the land
began to die, until one day there was nothing left on it but the mighty Kadeso tree. Its longevity is
is it one or several trees?
You obviously didn't
even bother now its curse, as it is forced to gaze upon a dead landscape devoid of the life and beauty it once How about some
O RLY? the landscape or the tree? variety? Call her
re reading it once.
Blatant lack of possessed. Legend says that if you are to find this mountain and awaken it, the cycle of life will begin something else
last mention of the mountain is too far away to use "this" once in a fucking
respect for your
readers. anew and a world once lost to us will be reborn.” Her eyes closed a bit and she looked unnaturally while.
eyes have volition? horrible relationship between the 2 clauses?
Preterite =
tired. Eli looked up: “I have a story for you too Nonna, would you like to hear it?” Eli's grandma'seyes
gratz, you just invented a verb
completed action, brightened a bit. “I'd love to Piccolo.” Eli straight up a bit: “Long ago a little baby was born. As he Negative quality
"always" = continuity. AND you repeat it let's Piccolo! as opposed to the usual, giant kind opposed to negative
BINGO!
This does not work. grew older the world always seemed a scary place. Everything was so big and overwhelming, but the quality? no.
that's quite a specific phobia everything was so redundant :(
night was the worst,; for every sound that couldn't be explained this child grew more and more
with no.
Notice how the afraid. But then his grandma came always knowing just the right story to tell to help him sleep and Writing from the
point of view of a
poor quality of the nOooOoOo
text (even if done feel less afraid. When he grew older, even when she wasn't there, he could always think back to a child is not an
excuse to make
on purpose to of; you think back to a time/period, not a thing
stunted, awkward
imitate the voice of story and feel better. And now he is ready to take on the world and face all of the scary things that
sentences.
a child) prevents Yeah I thought that story was pretty shitty too.
emotional used to haunt him.” When Eli finished he realized the rocking chair was empty. He got up and noticed
implication from He only realized then? Did he go blind for the last 5 minutes? You forgot to say she slipped out
the reader. This that the front door was open slightly. He stepped outside into the cold:.Tthe Luna moth still clung near Is wherever he is
was supposed to "to"? or is it in mid air still?
be moving, not the lantern. Eli pulled off the glass and blew out the lantern. As he did it, Tthe moth took flight, spry as (his bed?) right
next to the front
laborious. how does one blow out a solid object?
if it was the middle of spring. As it disappeared into the night he heard his mothers 'svoice behind him: door, which is
however obscured
= what kind of business? bad phrasing
She was already
“Beautiful.I wonder what kept it here all this time. Your grandma would have loved to have seen this inmakes a way that
it necessary
wondering the too, it would have given her another story to tell. She'd have really loved you Eli, I wish she'd lived to for Eli to get up to
exact same thing see it?
random much, mom?
less than a page meet you.” Eli just smiled. This is confusing,
ago (mom has where is he?
brain damage?)

I'm not sure "there was a moth I don't think this could
"The thought of my and then it flew away" is really have been made any
grandmother being dead fills story worthy material. more annoying to have
me with joy." been read.

I suppose this calls for a sort of conclusion.

Due to the complete lack of foreshadowing, characterization or tension build up around the grandmother, the final "resolution" feels completely arbitrary and yet
entirely unsurprising. I don't care about the answer to that would be mystery because there was no mystery setup to begin with.
I'm only left with the supposition that this Eli kid is schyzophrenic because of an absentee mom's emotional abuse: she isn't ever shown emotionally interacting with
her kid and she only shows up as a relevant character to tell him about how he would have been loved by his grandmother is she wasn't DEAD.
I don't know whether the whirlwind & trees stories were supposed to make a sort of eco friendly point. Those bits seem randomly thrown into the mix for the sake of
adding some more words and ultimately achieving nothing in pushing the story forward or fleshing out the characters or environment.
As for the words themselves, the vast majority of the issues with this text is that you can't speak your own language: [clause 1] conjunction [clause2] means that
there's a logical connection between the 2 clauses (causal, temporal, etc.); definite and indefinite articles are not the same things; words have meanings, you might
wanna look them up if you wanna spell and use them properly, avoid redundance, etc.
This is way beyond a simple matter of "style": those vocabulary and grammar issues are things that a 10 year old would be expected to know. Hell, I know about
them and I've learned english as a second language! You should be ashamed of yourself when foreigners can speak your language better than you can.
So in conclusion, words words words (badly) thrown over a lot of nothing which is apparently your only way of communicating, and incidentally not the actual
definition of "writing".