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Achievement Gap

I believe the achievement gap is one of the most serious problems facing our [Use "we,"
"us," or "our" to mean yourself and coauthors, not general humanity (or yourself and the
reader)] education system an, ultimately, our economy. The achievement gap is between
minority and disadvantaged students. It also relates to academic expectations, test scores and
[Check punctuation: insert a comma before this word if this is the last in a list of more than
two -- or if it begins a new clause] graduation rate of minority students. Lower-income
students, often minorities, perform less well on school tests, graduate at lower rates, and are then
employed in lower paying jobs.
There are ["There are" is an awkward phrase if "there" is not clearly a location]
many reasons for the achievement gap. The first would be the socioeconomic status. One of the
main reasons associated with low student achievement is poverty. Students living in persistent
poverty are more likely to suffer from many conditions that hinder there learning. Some of these
things [Vagueness--"things" is a wording gimmick to avoid further description] could
include parents that [Check word usage--If this word refers to a human being, people are
never "that" or "which," they are "who"] did not get [Doctoral rule (although good advice
for any academic writer)--instead of using "get," which can mean many things, more
formal is to use forms of "receive," "obtain," "arrive at," "can," "could," "grow," "able
to," etc.] a full education, constant changing in residence and having [Clearer writing
suggestion--"having" as a transitive verb is vague. Reconsider the sentence using
"possessing," "acquiring," "developing," etc. Often "having" can simply be deleted] to
change schools repeatedly. Some minority children feel [Clearer writing suggestion: if "feel"
or "felt" is used in the sense of "to believe or think," it is a cliché and vague; use "believe"
or "think"] that they may not succeed in school anyway, and they do not try at all. [In speech,
"at all" is often used as an intensifier, but it is less effective in writing. Try to avoid its use]
The second reason I believe is School related. Many times students attend schools that are
[Suggestion: see if the sentence can be rewritten to remove "that are" or "who are"]
inadequate funding staffed with teachers that [Check word usage--If this word refers to a
human being, people are never "that" or "which," they are "who"] are [Suggestion: see if
the sentence can be rewritten to remove "that are" or "who are"] not qualified to teach. In
high concentration poverty areas teachers may have a low expectation for the students, leading
them to have low expectations for themselves. There are [Avoid using this phrase] changes in
teacher beliefs and practices that will increase the success for all students. However, the
elimination of the achievement gap will also require changes in systems. First, I would
recommend getting to know each student personally. Make [If this is not in a title, avoid the
imperative form (a command) in academic writing because it addresses the reader
personally (the second person form)] every effort to develop strong relationships with each
student and his/her [This awkward construction is a shortcut appropriate in a legal
document, but avoid using it in academic writing. Write it out] family. Allow families to
partner with you. [Eliminate second person (you, your) in academic documents and avoid
addressing the reader directly. Use third-person pronouns (he, she, it, they)] You [second
person] may be the expert in a subject area, but families are the first teachers. Second, make sure
that you [second person] always communicate a belief that each student is capable of academic
success. Many of our students in this gap have been told they are failures by adults (not
necessarily teachers). They need to know that you [second person] the teacher believe in them
[Check pronoun agreement--if "them" refers to "teacher" (or a singular subject), it should
be singular, too (him or her)] and that they [Check pronoun agreement--if "they" refers to
"teacher" (or a singular subject), it should be singular, too (he or she) and perhaps require
adjusting the following verb] are capable. Third, develop a tool kit of teaching strategies that
gives you [second person] many options. Lessons should be taught using more than one style.
Make sure you are ready to adapt [Check spelling: "adapt" means "change to fit"; "adopt"
means "to take into a relationship, put into effect, to choose"] for the learning needs of every
student in your classroom. Most students of all ethnic backgrounds do not learn best when they
are lectured [The passive voice is a form of "be" (are) and a participle (lectured). Over-use
of the passive voice can make paragraphs officious and tedious to read. Try to use the active
voice most often, e.g., the student completed the paper on time. The passive voice version--
The paper was completed on time by the student--See eCampus > Center for Writing
Excellence > Tutorials & Guides > Grammar & Writing Guides > Active & passive voice] to
for more than 15 – 20 minutes. Make sure students have many different [Redundancy: if you
have "many," surely they are "different." Remove "different"] ways to hear information and
demonstrate competence in an area. Make sure that you are passionate about the subject you are
teaching, because [Remove comma; "because" is not a conjunction] if you are not your
students won’t be interested. [Passive voice]

In conclusion families and community leaders need to support the work of educators if
we [Place comma before this word if this is the end of the introductory phrase (beginning
with "In")] are to make a lasting, positive change on the academic experience of the students
who are [Suggestion: see if the sentence can be rewritten to remove "that are" or "who
are"] currently in the achievement gap.