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My husband used to say, “You’re beautiful and you’re going to get more
♦◊♦
That’s how I feel about my wife, and, I’d like to believe, why she can attract
the glances she does at a party. She is not just hot—she’s loved.
♦◊♦
MUNSON: Please tell me that you shared this response with his wife. What
a love letter. I wonder if it’s a rare one though. I’m not sure most people
would describe their spouses this way. Too many people dwell in the
“what’s wrong” with their partner instead of “what’s right.” Often, it’s about
outer appearance. And once you start doing that, you get off each other’s
team. I have always felt that my husband and I are on the same team, even
when we went through a significant marital crisis that almost led to
separation. Couples meet in a place of oneness and co-creation. I don’t
believe in the Jerry Maguire “you complete me” concept. I believe in
Rilke’s notion of being guardians of each other’s solitude, or individuality.
That kind of love brings longevity. That kind of love is not about the way a
person looks.
♦◊♦
♦◊♦
Laura A. Munson, author of This Is Not the Story You Think It Is, wrote one
of the most widely read and talked about New York Times Modern Love
columns ever: “Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear.” She lives with her
family in Montana. You can visit her website, and find her on Facebook and
Twitter.
Filed Under: Featured Content, Good Is Good Tagged With: Fidelity, Good
Is Good, Laura Munson, looks, marriage, Modern Love, Montana, new york
times, physical appearance, relationships, sex, This Is Not The Story You
Think It Is, Tom Matlack
Comments
I find the notion that men “should” be attracted to women for what’s
within — which is just not how male sexuality works — extremely
damaging.
No man will turn his head to ogle a woman because she looks like the
type to buy a turkey sandwich for a homeless man or read to the blind.
A man can think you’re a beautiful human being but if you let
yourself go to seed, there’s a good chance he’s not going to be
sexually attracted to you anymore, and that can prove dangerous to a
relationship.
If you know how important looks are to a man, you understand that
it’s disrespectful to your partner to let yourself go. Now, I’m not
saying a woman has to be dressed to the nines at all times. But, as I
say at the end of the piece:
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o Tina says:
I’ll keep myself pretty, but I’m not putting any more work into
my appearance than my spouse does. If I have to put ten more
minutes into my appearance, than I expect him to do it, too,
regardless of what science says, which doesn’t even try to
figure out if it’s a culturally conditioned thing or not. Physical
appearance is a subjective thing. In some cultures, women don’t
have to do anything to keep up their appearance. Fat, AKA,
letting your self go in American culture, is seen as beautiful in
some cultures, because it means you have wealth and status–for
both men and women. And both sexes find this attractive.
Anthropological research in Malia will tell you that.
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I have not read the above piece, nor did I comment on it. Tom
Matlack asked me to respond to a question about looks and fidelity
which I thought would be used in a piece. My comment can remain
above, although I still have not read the piece, as I’m on deadline, and
was last night when I took time out to comment for what looked like a
quote that was being requested for a piece he was writing.
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6. Matt says:
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7. Denis says:
Let’s just state the obvious and say that women are often far more
superficial in their outer appearance. It’s not just men driving this
superficiality; women are their own worst enemies and are the ones
driving the market that sells them products.
“I never think about other women because she is everything I’ve ever
wanted.”
Nobody believes such obvious lies and it can even feed her
insecurities when she knows she is being lied to.
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