To give your children immunity from being bullied, they must develop a strong se

nse of self, have at least one good friend and have a circle of friends.
While it is never too late to build self-esteem and establish personal rights, c
hildren ideally should experience their value and self worth starting before con
ception. If you don’t value them, they will never value themselves. I said before
conception because if you are smoking and drinking while pregnant, knowing the
harmful effects it has on your child, you are making a statement that your bad h
abits and needs are more important than the health and well being of your child.
It is a silent statement, but children are influenced not just by what is said
, but what is not said or done. Actions do speak louder than words. I am askin
g you to do some self examination as a parent. My intention is not to shame you
, but rather to make you more aware and motivate you to take responsibility for
what each of you can do to make a difference in your child’s life. Here are a few
tips to help your child build the emotional resilience necessary to avoid being
victimized.
1, Giving your child whatever she wants is not the answer. In fact, other t
han appropriate gifts, continually giving a child whatever he or she wants, with
out having to earn it, teaches her entitlement and arrogance rather than self-di
scipline and a strong work ethic. Teach them, train them and love them, but don’t
spoil them.
2. “Children should be seen and not heard.” How many of you remember that old
myth that should be put to rest and buried. Do you think all of a sudden out of
nowhere your child will begin to speak up when for years you made it clear they
did not deserve to have a voice? Heck, I have seen patients who were 88 years
old who still had no voice because it was so ingrained that their thoughts and w
ords were not important. We might get older, but we hang onto all those message
s we were taught as a child. Children do learn what they live. If you give res
pect to your child, your child now has a positive role model and will know how t
o respect others. You can’t give what you don’t have.
3. Self-respect will help prevent your child from being bullied and will al
so reduce the possibility of your child becoming a bully. The news recently rep
orted that a Mississippi kids’ basketball coach has been whipping his team for mon
ths because he thought it was good for them. You tell me how whipping a child, f
or no reason other than that he missed making the basket, will improve his eye-h
and coordination or improve his athletic abilities. If I were whipped, especial
ly when I have done nothing wrong, I would be really angry and might be tempted
to take it out on someone else. It’s called “passing it on.” The guy obviously needs
a course in human motivation 101. I am also making a point that some teachers a
nd parents are the abuser. This whippings went on for months before anyone repo
rted it. With self respect and self-esteem, a child is more likely to take the r
isk and report the abuse.
4. Accountability is a good teacher. Allow your child to make choices appro
priate for her age to learn natural consequences. Consequences that you impose m
ust be rational, reasonable and fair. There must be equity. You don’t ground a c
hild for a month because he forgot his book at school whether it was intentional
or an accident. That’s overkill.
Keeping Your Cool
Victims of bullying, particularly the young, face a difficult challenge—that of ma
intaining balance under pressure. When someone bullies you, he is probably eager
to throw you off balance emotionally. He is hoping that you will resort to extr
emes of anger or show terror. If you fly into a fit of rage or burst into tears
and express hurt or fear, the bully is getting what he wants and is encouraged t
o provoke you again and again.
Parents can start early in preparing their children to deal wisely with bullies.
They can use role-playing games with their children to demonstrate how to proje
ct a sense of confidence as in the following:
1. Physical posture such as standing up straight can send a subtle message
that dissuades some bullies.
2. Making eye contact, keeping hands and arms relaxed, and speaking in a fi
rm, steady voice may do the trick.
3. Parents are urged to teach their children to walk away, to avoid bullies
and to ask a trustworthy adult such as a teacher for help. Don’t make it your bat
tle.
How to Respond to the Bully
1. Keep cool. Don’t give in to rage. When your temper is out of control, you
give the bully power over you and you are likely to do things you will regret.
2. Try to put thoughts of revenge out of your mind. Vengeance often backfir
es. Revenge might feel good for a moment, but it perpetuates the conflict and do
es not promote healing. Letting go and moving on does help us get over it.
3. When things appear to be getting heated, get away quickly. Scan the envi
ronment, be aware and steer clear of those who tend to bully.
4. If bullying persists, you may need to speak up for yourself. Choose a mo
ment when you are calm, look the bully in the eye, and speak in a firm, level vo
ice. Tell him that you will not tolerate the harassment. Do not resort to insult
s or challenges which will escalate things.
5. Talk to a responsible, caring adult about the bullying. Be specific abou
t the problem and ask for help in handling it.
6. Remember that you have value as a person. The bully might want you to th
ink that you don’t matter and that you deserve to be treated badly. It is the bull
y who becomes less worthwhile by resorting to such conduct.
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