David Letterman: From the “Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying on You”: You turn on

television and see a live feed of your shower; While you’re ordering pizza, mysterious voice
on the phone tells you to forget the mushrooms; There’s been an ice cream truck parked
outside your house for nine months; Your dog has an antenna; You came home early and
found an agent dusting your wife for prints; Your cat has an antenna; Drudge Report
features exclusive news about your breakfast; During State of the Union, President suggests
you to ask your doctor about Levitra.

Jay Leno: Hey, anybody see the new $5 bill that just came out? The Treasury has taken
steps to discourage counterfeiters, such as making it worth less than a dollar. ... According
to the latest polls, John McCain now in a double-digit lead over the Democrats. To give you
an idea how far McCain is ahead in the polls, today, Hillary offered him the vice presidency.
... According to a new CNN poll, John McCain would win the presidential election if only beer
drinkers voted. Now, a Democrat, either Hillary or Barack would win, if only wine drinkers
voted. But here’s the interesting part, if we all got really drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader
might actually have a shot. ... In more serious news, big controversy last week after State
Department officials looked at passport files of all three major candidates. Turns out, they
got a hold of John McCain’s Social Security number. You know what it is? Three. ... Osama
bin Laden has released another anti-American speech. And out of force of habit, Barack
Obama denounced the remarks and said he wasn’t even in the room at the time the
statements were being made. ... Hillary Clinton was supposed to be our guest tonight, but
she got pinned down by sniper fire. Who would have guessed Hillary would have more war
stories than John McCain? ... Hillary’s campaign is claiming she misspoke when she said she
landed under gunfire during her trip to Bosnia. Turns out it was gunfire on a trip to L.A. ...
She now admits there weren’t any snipers. And today Bill Clinton said, “Hey, if I would have
known there weren’t any snipers, I would not have sent her there in the first place.”

If you have ever wondered what the pilot sees in various aircraft take a look at this
website:http://www.codeonemagazine.com/test/archives/2007/articles/jan_07/cockpits/cockpits.html

CDC: Abstinence Prevents Some News Conferences by Scott Ott for Scrappleface·
(2008-03-25) — In a week when 76 Democrat lawmakers sent a letter to a House panel urging an end to
federal funding for abstinence-education programs, a new study by the Centers for Disease Control
(CDC) shows that abstinence not only prevents pregnancy and sexually-transmitted diseases, but it can
also radically reduce abortions and some types of news conferences by political figures.

“While standard sex-education curricula have a degree of impact on embarrassing news conferences,” a
CDC spokesman said, “the data show that when politicians actually abstain from extra-marital affairs,
liaisons with prostitutes and intimacy with interns, we see a 95-percent reduction in the strain of news
conference that involves a dazed wife standing next to a humiliated public official.”

Based on the results of the study, the CDC recommends federally-funded abstinence education for every
state and federal lawmaker as well as candidates for political office.

The proposal has already met resistance in Congress, where a competing measure calls for giving
politicians the choice to immediately terminate an “unwanted news conference” with no public relations
consequences.