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i '
THE COVER
Ed 8c.ky 3 photogwphed
b R.udi Hólinian.
Skd by Roibara Tonk. Clothing
and br.cfcan courttsy el
r' i ui %I 1 rnlornftltwn en page 94

GREAT EXPECTATIONS .

Q
NAKED CITY
Dirty joke.c about Donald Thump. The lovelorn Garry Sbazdiing clone. Thafs e?itertainment:
Sean Penn blows it, Peter Guberc w:fe 7rod,ices" and George Kennedy urinates on ce/I,loidsoldiers. How we are
all becoming addicts. And Bruce Springsleen does everything but pole.vaiilt .....
THE SPY MAP
Q
Condescending and parochial? Us? Joim.r BRo!nt kielbasa-fueled overview
of Polka America. Illustrated by PH!!. MARDFN ..............................
PARTY Poor ................

NEW, IMPROVED NEW YORK

Fighting the drug trade Intrepid/y. Illustrated by STEIlE tRviiR ...........

FE 4r Li Ft E

DARN! No MORE FREE MONEY

IMike Mi/ken createdihe illusion ofanything-is-possib/e corporateprosperity. ofun/imited wealth,
oflot.r and lots ofactual hair on his head. Now Mi/ken seens headed/or prison.
But RicHARD STENGEL. wonders. !s the most brilliant businessman of the 1980s a scapegoat
suffering for our sins ....................................................
THE CASE OF THE BONSAI EYEBROWS
Tweezed. Plucked. Pincered. Yerked. Why? We/come to the gala, glamorous
world of the ladies- who.lunch-and-niake-thense/ves-cariously-unattraciive. For
ourfirs: install,nent ofsPYc Field Guide to Fin de Siècle Style. KtREN H,tRR1.
SON takes a quasi-scholarly look as denuded eyebrows ......

Jusi How DIFFERENT ARETHE RICH?

For Part Two ofthis monthc gala si'v Field Guide to Fin de Siècle Style, SuMN ORLI,N spent /ays watching and
listening as New York society Uberhostess Nan Kempner andher servants prepareda dinnerparty. ConcIusion: Kempner
is the last ofa dying breed. Further conclusion:
so was Tyran nosa u rus rex . . . .

FIFTY-EIGHT MONTHS ON GRUB STREET

9:00 a. ?n. Breakbst with Mary Lou Retton: ¡:30 p. ni. interview Robert Gou/e1r ex about ceramicfrogs. In serving
as editor and entire editorial staff ofthree wretched ,nass.circulation tabloids overfive screwball years.
JoF QuEEN N
did credit to neither himselfnorhisprofession. But he did get to drink time made by comedian Pat Paulsen! Plus: spy
joins in the opportunisticfree-for-all by /ronoting TV star Robin Leach ........ Q
U.LJ I%I

HlNRY "DUTCH" HOLI.%NDon who realty wields poner on Broadway in Review of Reviewers:
. .

CILI% BRADY on raping andpillaging in The Industry: RING NORRIS on two news shows from
The Webs - one dead. the other dying: JOHN ShAFT looks at iiwnp-sponsored-powerboat-race-
, I related death in Sports: HARRY SII,,RER attends a Fashion show behind bars: and ELI.IS
WEINIR endorses mischiefin How to Be a Grown-up .........................
OUR UN-BRITISH CROSSWORD PUZZLE

. B Rrn BL0VN1jR .............

Spy (ISSN 08901759 publi . ontlily by Spy Publishing I'arrncis SP Iding. 5 Union Stuarv West. N rk. N.Y. I 0(13. Submissions:
S(nd wich SASE to San ddress. F vcrtisunKcaks. LIII 2l26 36550. ( by S hushing P.srtiicr. LP Stond.c tsityt pa at New York. N.Y..
and additional maui fices. An suba.riptiois raws: U.S. and posses $19.9 tada. U.S.$10: forcign. U.S $4 nusicr Picase senil address
dianes to SPY, P.O. 359U9. Pa Coast. FL 2O359I39. For subsri nlurma ill: I.HOO.423.I7llO.t Mcm udii cau ulCirculaiions.
A I

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with a four lefter word:
Guts.
Forbes now ranks second in ad
pages among all magazines.
Over the course of 72 years, Forbes has built a
tradition of gutsy, hard-hitting reporting that's
made big fans of America's top executives. As well
as savvy advertisers, who now have made biweekly
Forbes second in ad pages ahead of traditional
weeklies like TV Guide, People, Time, Newsweek,
Sports Illustrated and U.S. News.
Forbes' success story is proof positive that top
management prefers coverage that doesn't pull
punches. In fact, more senior officers in America's
largest companies say that Forbes gives them bet-
ter information on companiesand offers them
better judgments and insightsthan either Busi-
ness Week orFortunc.* And ofthe three, more rate
Forbes their favorite.*
But while Forbes attracts the high and the
mighty of the business firmament, advertisers are
mighty glad to find hat it's the lowest cost way of
t

reaching them.
No doubt this is why Forbes is consistently
ranked by the Publishers Information Bureau high
among the topmost in advertising pages. And now
only onc magazine, which publishes twice as many
issues a year, isfor nowstill a hit ahead of us.
Ifyou want what you're sellingto be a hit with
the heavyweights, run your ads in the magazine
whose gutsy coverage grabs them. Forbes.

No guts. No story

Forbes
Capitalist .rk;K!r

. 1949 Market }acts

 Ç E. Groydon Cartor Kurt Andcccn
EDITORS
Thomas L Phillips Ji.
Pt:RLSIJER
SNyn Schmgls
PCRLISHI«, DIRF(flR

Suson Morviion
IXECITIVE EI)rri)R
B. W. Honsycuti
ART I)IRECTOR

Poul HUtS
MANAOING EDITOR
G.oig. Kologitolis
SENIOR RITEK

Jomi. Molonowsht Walt., Kirn Bruco Handy Joanne Grube,

SENIOR It)IIOR
Como Wusnsr
(mIEF OF RESEARUI

POul Smms
STAFF WRITER
Ch,*tloon kusypin Lucy Hoodisy
ASSOCIATE ART DIRE(R PHOEt) RESEARCH EDITOR
Jost MostrIonn Lon&n. Codornortori
MtOCIATF FPh1Y)H PRODt!(TO
Rochcl Urquhort Eddie Stern Bob Mock Henry Alford
:

Matthew Wcingorden Martin Kihn

$ENI(* UJP A.%SISTANT EDFIOR
Scott Yates Elisso Schoppell Kate McDowell
Dovid Konip John Brodìc
L)I U C .

Kormen Liziul Michael Hofmann Scott Frommer

ASSIS1A41 ART 1)RE(1OKS
W.nd.H Smith Hønlit Bo,ovlck Nickt GostIn
RESEARCHERS PHOTO ASSISTANT
Rob.,? Splilmon Leslie Lcufr
RESEARH r'I
E. L Vondspo.r
copy EDITOR
Anno WaIhcr Gory Slirodi, Jons Loronger Alexis Lipsito
( (SI,',. ASSt,TAN1'
Bill Wilson Kay Schucibort Lynn Bollmeyer
SRT ASSISIAWTS

Woks, Monhsit
MLSINGER,tRITIC.ATLAR(;F
Anéso Rid., (Woshhsgion) DSbOiOh MIChIl (Los Angeles)
CoRRESPONDENTS

Andy Aoron, Soro Barrett. Joch Barth, Roy Blount Jr.. Cilio Brady. Chris ColIis, Macouloy Connor.
Cynthia Cotts, Bruce Foirstoin, Drew Friedman, Tod Friend, Joe Gulls, Jomes Grant, Rondi Hock,,.
Peter Heffemon, John Heilpem, Tony Hondeo, Lynn Hirschberg, Ann Hodgmon, Henry Holland,
J. J. Hunsocken. Eric KopIen, Howard Kaplan. Jackie Kaufman, MellE Koylon, Goof kern, Mimi Kramer,
Mark Lossw.11, T. S Lord, Thomas Mora, Guy Martin, Potty Marx, Patrick McMullon, Mark O'Donnell,
David Owen, C. F. Payne. Jo. Queenon, Steve Rodlauer, Paul Rudnick, Luc Sente, John S.eobrook,
Harry Shearer, Pouf Slonshy, Michael Sorkin, Richard Stengel, J0 Stockton, ToRi, Jomes Traub,
Nicholas von Hoflmon, Ellis Weine, Philippe Weisbecker, Philip Weisi, Ned Zomas
and Edward Zucks,nson. omong others
( ONTRIELÍTINO EDItORS

Catherine Kruchho Ann. Kreomer

ADVkRIOING DIREC1OR MARKETING DIR -

Dougos Trappe Robert Nochmon Aims Bowls

George Mackin Heather Zullingsr(Los Ang.1.s. 213.850.8339)
Tamara Sims (Son Froncisco, 415.362.8339)
sItVERTISINC SALES REPRESENTATIVES

Adam Do1gns John Pollock

MAKKL IM, MANAGER CIRCULATION MANAGE S

Geoffrey Rit,,
PROI)UCFION MANAGER
Diird,. Cummhs, Wnght Condoc. Stroboch
OFFICE MANAGI:R ACCOUNTING MANM
Pony Nouy Monica Mohon.' Suson Lofgr.n Murphy Frostes GEno Ducloyan Kathleen Brophy
AI)VIRTISING AND MARKETING ASSISTANTS
David L. O
ItOOKKEEPR
Shari Syrliett Julio St,oiigson Quilo MIucci Michael Lipscomb
PUBLISHING ASSISTANTS
Ric OBnen Moie Floes. Joi Doughney Colin Brown
OFFICE ASSISTANT'
Mark Strauss Morion Rosdi4d Ty Robertson Michael Homey
INTERNS

s WY FEBRI'ARY 1990
 BARNEYS
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Menthol, 9 mg. ta(', 0.7 mg. nicotine; Regular, 9 mg.

ter', 0.8 mg. nicotbe av. per cigarette by FTC method. © 198e &W ¡ c

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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Burning Smoktng

Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.
 p WELIKETOTHINKOF
FEBRUARYA STRING OF
FAKEY, PASSIONLESS HOLI-
days (Groundhog Day, Presi-
dents'Day, Valentine's Day) and
weather so awful that there are
moments you'd actually rather
be in a haphazardly run apart-
ment complex outside Cocoa
Beach, Florida, than hereas
the Henry Kravis ofmonths: too
short, too cold, overcommercial-
ized and about four weeks shy ofbeing over. Sure, this February
there are lots of new babies to toss in the air and new Eastern
European governments to wish well, new decades to overa nalyze
prematurely and new Pynchon novels to be disappointed by,
hut otherwise this grisly fuck-you heart ofwinter is perfect only
for baking yeasty breads, drinking brown beverages and watching
Sunday-morning public-affairs
shows on TV. So for now
the slush just becomes grayer
and a good deal ofcicctive read-
ing gets done. Unless you're
Robert Heilbroner, the econ-
omist and author who chaired
the National Book Awards' non-
fiction jury. Last year Heilbroner took it easy: with some nominees,
he admits happily, he read just the first and last pages, with others
the indexes or jacket hlurbsthat's how he eliminated 155 of
the 190 books in 3 days, i book every few minutes. He may be
sloppy, he may approximate, but he does ihejob. Just like the
Colt torype for an automatic rifleto replace the Army's

ike to think of February

M-16. Colt's new gun can fire cartridges that contain two bullets,
one shooting where it was aimed, the other a little off. The idea
is to increase the odds of hitting somethingthe gun (which,
by the way, we're almost positive we saw either Yosemite Sam
use on Bugs Bunny or Wile E. Coyote use on the Road Runner)
shrewdly assumes, in other words, that the soldier pulling the trig-
ger may not know what he's doing. Why do mass murderers
never seem to miss? The pre-Christmas Morton Downey-esque
avenger in Mon- treal was an
NRA dream: 13 women shot
dead and 9 more wounded.
Hey, mistet; thatc some fine shootinY
Welt never again think of our
FERRUARY 199(JSPY Il
northern neighbor merely as the birth-
place of Rich Little; for the first time in
memory, Canada seems dark, weird, al-
most interesting. As the boyfriend of one
ofthe wounded women said, "Its the kind
of thing you expected to happen in the
United States
Like in Chicago, where they arc just
weeks iflU) the rst season ol their new
basketball league for 150
young male residents of ! King). "I've always tried to be a moral per-
public-housing projects. - son;' Miller said, sounding like his corn-
The idea (which, by the way, .i
we think we remember see-
ingina 1975 movie-of-the . up in the sexual revolution of the eight-
week starring Robert Blake
and Greg Morris) is to give : 1.
otherwise crack-and-vio- -:
lence-prone ghetto youths
a wholesome outlet for
their competitive passions.
"Sports transcends gang feuding," says the
commissioner ofthe league. "I've seen them
lay their pistols down, play basketball, then
pick up their pistols and leave." Is he say.
ing they play the whole four quarters im-
armed? Maybe our dire social problems
arent irremediable.
In other words, it's the 1990s, and ideal-
ism is back in style: Blue Collins, an anti-
pollution activist in Vermont who partic-
ipated in a lawsuit against International
Paper Company, has righteously refused
the $12,000 the company offered her to
settle her suit (by the way, we vaguely re-
member seeing this on Loa Grani around
the time Silkwoodcame out). Who is Blue
Collins? It turns out she used to be Sandra
Good, one of Charles Manson's "family"
members, and has spent half of the two
decades since the Manson killings in
prison for threatening corporate executives.
Collins still thinks the world of Charlie:
"Charles Manson is the most enlightened
human being I've ever met. He never lies.
That's the big attraction of Manson. He
never lies." (Finally: we're beginning to
understand whyjimmy Carter always gave
us the creeps.) "The Manson family's is-
sue," she says, "has a/ways been pollution."
The actress-killing, the hallucinogenic-
drug-takingall some sort ofhep protest
against fluorocarbons and ozone deple-
tion; the kind of thing, after all, you ex-
pect to happen in the United States.
In the 1990s, ofcourse, we're all trying
to understand one another better, so now
we have a better handle on Dan Rather's
whats-the-frequency episode, on why
12 SPY FEBRUARY 1990
Dan is so. . . intense: the guy is having
flashbacks. "I've tried everything' the acid-
head anchorman told an interviewer of
his drug experiences. «I can say with con-
fidence I know a fair amount about LSD."
Now federal judge Robert Sweet and
frmer secretary of State George Shultz,
flCfl even more august than Dan Rather, if
that's possible, have suggested that maybe
1
all drugs should be legalized. (Judge Sweet
and Sandra Good real nineties names.) "If
our society can learn to stop using butter,
it should be able to cut down on cocaine'
Sweet argues, ignoring the lack ofany diet
Mazola equivalent for crack. Shultz, who
now teaches at Stanford, is merely pro-
posing that the U.S. debate legalization.
When White House spokesman Marlin
Fitzwater heard Shultz's remarks, he did
what any important Washington official
would dohe ridiculed his former col-
league. "Whoa' Fitzwater said, "he's been
out on the West Coast too long, hasn't he?"
But not George Bush: he's fighting the
drug war in the trenches, and to demon-
strate his seriousness, he just named 27
street-savvy substa nce-abuse experts to
a Presidential Drug Advisory Council,
among them former Dallas Cowboys coach
Tom Landry, former attorney general Wil-
ham French Smith and NBC president
Robert Wright. This is the kind of thing
you expect to happen in. . .Canada.
Bush hits his stride only when attend-
ing anticlimactic European summit meet-
ings, where he seems happy to be nothing
special, just one more gray-suited, Helmut
Kohl-ish head ofstate. When he returned
from his December encounter with Mik-
hail Gorbachev, a reporter accused the
president of"hotdogging" by riding in a
tiny launch in the dangerously stormy
Maltese Mediterranean. "Hotdogging7' Bush
said. "No." Then he thought, Okay, now.
iiiake ,ni Vili/e a little, make 'em like me.
"Well, you know these charismatic, macho,
visionary guysthey'll do anything:'
Bush said, suggesting he knows he is in
fact a stiff, a wimp and a bureaucrat.
Former FBI agent Richard Miller, a
half-bright, altogether Bush-like man who
also has a special Soviet pal, is about to be
tried for espionage. Miller is accused of
passing government documents to Svet-
lana, his Soviet mistress (by the way, we
almost definitely remember seeing this in
an early episode of Scarecrow and Mrs.
mander in chief. "Five affairs in two years
isn't very [darn) moral, I just got caught
¡es." Wasnt that the sexual revolution of
the sixties and seventies? And the sexual
coanterrevolution of the eighties? As exem-
plified by Polk County, Florida, where
for the last decade or so, it now comes
out, the county jail has tried to segregate
homosexual prisoners and have them
wear pink ID bracelets. It's the kind of
thing you expect to happen in the United
States, or else in SiI,' Crazy, or maybe in
southern Poland around 1943.
Prison comedies? With Leona gone,
Ivana rules alone. Recently she was on
Oprab with Lauren Hutton, talking about
how to look stylish, or at least how to
look like the wife ofDonald Trump. "You
go to the department stores' she said,
"Bloomingdale's, Saks. 1f you go for your
wardrobe, there are a lot of consultants."
Hutton: "Did she say Bloomingdale's sex?"
"No:' Ivana said. "Bloomingdale and
Saks, , . . What a dirty mind ----- he has a
dirty mind, Forget it"
If we had our way, there'd be a Trump
Channel, nothing but the couple talking
and swaggering, talking and swaggering,
24 hours a day. In fact, Donald Trump
has just got a Q Score, the rating used
by broadcasters to measure the fame and
popularity of TV performers. Trump,
whose name is attached to a forthcoming
game show (wasn't that a subplot in some
unreleased early-l980s Robert Altman
film?), is more widely known than any
quizmaster except Pat Sajak, Alex Trebek
and Dick Clark. The Q people reckon his
favorable rating at 16, his unfavorable rat-
¡ng at 40Dick Clark, by contrast, is
rated 26 positive and only 21 negative. So
in the 1990s, Donald Trump is almost
singularly loathed by the general, game-
show-watching public, That's really not
the kind ofthing you expect to happen in
the United States. i
 ,,
lVj'

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FLOOD
A BOAT FULL OF SONGS FROM TWO
GUYS NAMED JOHN.
NINETEEN NEW TRACKS DIRECT ;

FROM BROOKLYN. MAJOR MUSIC

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43%k bçsis .QáLS s NJÇ 199(

From the mailroom: What possesses
SPY
a successful magazine, one with seven
subscribers in Guam alone, one that can
count on five copies of every issue leap-
ing off the newsstands on Kwalalcin,
to hound the incarcerated in its own
country into buying
subscriptions' Is that
.; what it takes to make
1L
us happycreating o
demographic group
of hapless prisoner-
subscribers whose $19.95 would prob-
ably be better spent on cigarettes or pro-
tection? Lost month we confessed in this
space to having mailed an escape decal
to prisoner 35060-066 at Allenwood Fed-
eral Prison Camp in Pennsylvania. Now
we've sunk to billing inmates whether
they've subscribed or not! This note
came from John Havrilcsko, temporarily
of the State Correctional Facility of Hunt-
ingdon, Pennsylvania: "I never ordered
your magazine. . . . You see, I'm currently
serving a prison sentence, and another
of the inmates must have ordered your
magazine using my name and number."
It occurs to us that not enough has
been written about Humor Behind Bars,
but never mind that now. We're just out-
raged at being unwitting accessories to
some prank, and we're embarrassed by
our zeal in billing Mr. Havrilesko, a mon
whoin this episode, at leastwas an
innocent bystander. We feel even more
guilty because he liked the issue we
sent him: "I had no idea what [SPY] was
about. . . I must tell you I think it's great
. dino, Parish-Hadicy, etc. lt is more likely
and I'm sorry I won't be receiving it in the
future. Let me thank you for the few
hours of escape it brought to me." We
should be blushing in gratitude, not
alerting our collection agency. Nearly
16 subscribers in Saskatchewan, and we
resort to this'
"While in New York on business, I
bought the paper of record and found
the attached constellation chart,' writes
Jonathan Robbins of Framingham, Mas-
sachusetts. "So I went out at 11:30 a.m.
to look in the sky for the river Eridanus
meandering near a whale, a boy named
Aquarius and the 'southern fish.' All I
saw was a gray sky and skyscrapers.
Please explain the apparent disparity be-
tween the Times and reality." We have
no adequate explanation, Mr. Robbins,
but then, the scales fell from our eyes
DEAR EDrrois n response to Michael
Walker's article on in-
tenor decorators/designers ["But Was the
$18,000 Curtain Beaiulfill? And Other
'frue Tales from Inside the High-End,
High-Profile, High-strung World of In-
tenor Decorating' October 19891, 1 want
you to know that there are actually in-
tenor decorators outside New York City.
Though your piece mentions "multimil-
lionaire social climbers turning over their
homes to millionaire social climbers with
swatches' s' also reaches decorators
and their clients who do not fit into this
category.
L am a business manager for 14 interior
decorators in Atlanta. Their affitient cli-
ents are not always sophisticated enough,
unfortunately, to recognize the difference
between the elitist designers you dis-
cussed and the talented designers strug-
gling to make a living outside New York.
Therefore, it is no surprise to me that an
affluent client referred to his Atlantan
designer as being "like the designers in
SPY." I will grant you that there are thou-
sands of inferior designers who merely
obtain a tax number and business license
and ProbablY have no more talent than
pilrting themselves together in the ward-
robe department ofNeiman Marcus.
The designers Fm associated with are
talented, creative and well respected.
Their work has been published in national
magazines. Having access to their financial
records, I only wish that each and every
one of them could have the financial suc-
cess shared by Mario Buatta, John Sala-
that designers make little money, ifany, ai.
ter attempting to please their clients and
give in to their many unrealistic demands.
Clients complain and attempt to reduce
the charges for merchandise and labor,
which are usually too low in the first place.
A creative designer usually strives
u
hrst for aesthetic success and, unfor-
tunacely, thinks too little about financial
compensation.
Designers want to make money, as do
(locros, lawyers and businessmen. I would
like to know, dear editor, what your own
salary is. Then lees do an article on edi-
tors, publishers, doctors, lawyers and
other professionals and see if designers
are the only ones you think arc overpaid.
PleaseconductthissLlrvey outside ofNew
York City so we can get a more accurate
In(lication.
Sue ka.cten
,4t/a,it,'i . (eorç'ici
I)IAI EI)IIORS onight nìy mother
and i were discussing
how recovering alcoholic Eric Clapton
had sold his name and music for beer
commercials. I commented that Heming-
way did Ballantine Ale ads ("What Be-
comes a Legend Most?," October). My
mom said, "Really? How do )U know?" I
said Fd read it in spy. "Well, she said,
"how dø you know they weren't joking?'
How the hell did I know? Fve never
figured myself to be a bip guy or with the
In Crowd, but I thought I knew the differ-
ence between reality and satire!
Should I allow paranoia to take over
and doubt myself and act indifferent
when Fm not sure ifsomcthing is supposed
to be funny? (I mean, my mom didn't even
believe it was really Mery on your Novem-
ber 1989 cover. lt was, wasn't it?)
J essen Nichols
Pau'tucket. Rhode Island
The thningu'iy ad was real. The Gr!ffin
coper was realistic. Shouldyou allow pai mila
to take oz'er and doubt yourselfand act iu/ijJer-
eut? ltc your call.
DEAR EnrroRs hank you for putting
me on the cover, but
isn't that Ann-Margret's body?
Mery Griffin
Hollywood. (aliforzia
DEAR EIIToRs hilip Weiss's piece "In-
side Bohemian Grove:
Masters of the Universe Go to Camp"
[Noveniberl scared the shit out ofme. For
a long time now I've suspected that all
those politicians, bureaucrats, military
leaders and other men olpower were just
little boys playing wih toy soldiers. Weiss
has confirmed my worst fears. These re-
volting, infantile slimeballs are running
the world? Playing with their pee-pees
and marching around in hooded elf cosO
turnes? William E Buckley and Kissinger
I can see, hut Cronkite? Et tu, Walter?
Debra Tillar
Port,nouth, New Hampshire i+-
FEBRUARY 19905PY ¡5

i The Kitty Litter people have been in
AN AMERICAN BISTRO
102 FIFTI-1 AVENUE, 463-8888
: STEAMHAMMER, SPV, Sodomget on
regarding the Times years ago. By the
way, we think we remember that constel-
lation chart. It exhorted us to "notice
that the 'sloshing water' is running down
to Fomalhaut"which sounds less like
astronomy than like a plumbing emer-
gency affecting the German gentleman
in the apartment below.
touch, the StyrofoamR people have been
in touch, and now it's Velcro's turn. Sorry:
Veicrok. We mentioned the "fastening
system" in a piece and didn't include the
little R, prompting a letter from the corn-
pony's trademark administrator in Man-
chester, New Hampshire. "Although I
appreciate the fine press," wrote Jean
Velasquez, VelcroR is not a proper
substitute for generic names such as
'hook and loop fasteners' or 'touch fas-
teners." This must come up often
Velasquez enclosed a pamphlet that
includes o "short history lesson" on the
story of VeicroR: "In the 1940s, the Swiss
inventor George de Mestral was hiking
and came home with cockleburs on his
trousers ...... Unfortunately, at that mo-
ment lunch arrived, or we surely would
have read on and perhaps learned what
happened to De Mestral, his trousers and
the cockleburs. Maybe even whether he
was hiking throughoutthe 1950s os well.
Now that we've left The Puck Building
behind, maybe this sort of thing won't be
happening anymore: we received a post-
card from a young man in Pardeeville,
Wisconsin, addressed to "STEAMHAM-
MER, A Division of SPV, 225 Lafayette
Street - . . We con understand why it was
forwarded to us. We used to be at 295
Lafayette, the V looks a bit like a Y, and
STEAMHAMMER could, we suppose, be
construed by the postal service as the
name of, say, a muckraking blacksmith-
cry-industry columnist for sri'. But some-
how we think the letter isn't meant for
us. "I was wondering how I could get a
Sodom shirt," the fellow writes, elabo-
rating, "I hope you can send me some in-
formation on how to get a Sodom shirt."
Why' "Because they are a kick ass band
and [I] would like to own a Sodom Shirt.
So please," he concludes, driving the
point home, "send me some info on how
to get a Sodom shirts." Oh, so now it's
shirts, is it We've forwarded the epistle.
it. Man wants a shirt. Or possibly

spy i i iu A RY I
DEAR EDrrois Sflt it better that those
limp, vulgar and silly
old piss.bags practice their hypocrisy and
fascism amongst themselves and against
the trees rather than upon the rest of us?
And consider what a juicy target they
present to some lucky natural disaster.
Gary Radaziner
Providence, Rhode Island
DEAR EDiTORS bat crack research
staff at The New
Yorker? Yours is so proficient in deber-
meticization in the name ofsocially con-
scious humor that no other compares!
Who else could continue to bring us such
incisive material? One little thing you
neglected to mention: has Mr. Weiss been
able to get a peek at the club's waiting list?
If he ever does, I daresay he'd find that
thatgleeful paranoid and right-wing flake
George Gilder has been supplicating the
Bohos for some time. I'm surprised his
patron Buckley hasn't ushered Conserva-
tive Authoritarianism's answer to Pee-wee
Herman through the doors. I can just pic-
tiire the sheer unbridled joy he would
hi'c at being able to urinate at will as
part ofhis role in establishing territory so
intimate to second-circuit-oriented male
bonding!
In gratitude, please accept these ana-
grams:REVEREND AL SHARPTONLARD
NEVER HAS PR TONE. ARSENIO HALLALL
NOSE HAIR. CINEPLEX ODEONNo NICE, DO
EXPEL.
Thomas Izaguirre
Edgewate,; Maryland
DEAR EDrroas f those boys went to
winter camp instead of
summer camp, what a lovely time they'd
have writing their names in the snow!
Thank you, Mr. Weiss, for your brave
adventure in journalism, for which I hope
you wore rubber boots.
Patriciaj Thonison
ibronto. Ontario, Canada
I)I.\I Eni'i'ois hilip Weiss describes
a trancuilizcr that he
refers to as "Interol' No such drug exists.
Perhaps he is referring to Inderal (generic,
propanolol), a drug in the beta-blocker
class indicated not for ill-tranquillity but
for hypertension, angina, certain arrhyth-
mias, myocardial infarction (heart at-
tack), migraine headache, essential tremor,
hypertrophic sub-aortic stenosis and pheo-
chromocytoma. True, this drug is used,
although not FDA-approved, for the symp-
toms of stage fright (e.g., racing heart,
shortness ofbreath), but not for the anxi-
ety that Mr. Weiss was anticipatingthat
is, unless he was planning a cameo as a
lip-synching Bohemian Bimbo and didn't
tell us. Valiumor, even better, Xanax,
with its shorter half-lifewould have
served him far better in the situation he
described.
I fear that ifMr. Weiss is so poor an in-
vestigator that he is unable to properly
report the name of this commonly pre.
scribed medication, 1, and surely other
readers, will be forced to accept the "facts"
of his mildly entertaining exposé with a
large grain of salt.
Edward S. Goldberg, M.D.
Highland Park, New Jersey
Our researchers had verified that a product
called Interol existed; unfortunately, it was in-
deed Inderal that ME Weiss was referring to.
He regrets the error and assures us that every-
thing else 1?Z the piece is completely accurate. We

FINALLY.
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iI
H. ....... : SPY
 shirts. And Pordeeville wouldn't be a
CELEBRATE CWCO DE MAYO... pun, would it?
Speaking of readersor Sodom fans,
anywayin Pardcevillc, Wisconsin,
row AITD FOREVER. we've received a curious bit of research
e invite you to come celebrate with us in the spirit courtesy of Nancy Roberts of Little Ferry,
of the greatest Mexican tradition. Cinco De Mayo New Jersey. She claims that most of the
(the Fifth of May) is the anniversary of winning a great mail we print is from out of town. In fact,
Mexican battle. In its honor comes our name and the she knows it. She's been counting. "Final
fine Mexican dining that New Yorkers have known tally from September-November: 70 let-
through the years. And now to add to your dining ters from out-of-towners, only 24 from
pleasure, we offer entertainment on Sundays at New Yorkers!" she reports. "Either you
Citicorp, and Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday guys are trying to prove something or
at our Soho location. At Cinco De Mayo the celebration most of your New York readers are ¡llitcr-
never ends! ate and/or apathetic!" Her "evidence"
accompanying charts, lists and carefully
worked out ratios is hard to refute (and
to read: Bic pen and loose-leaf paper,
Nancy?). As for an explanation, well,
maybe our out-of-town readers write us
more because they need more references
explained, things like "subway7 "Don-
aid Trump," "the Cloisters« Or maybe
we just have lots of enthusiastic out-of-

.
CINCODMAY0 town readers. Total newsstand sales in
Brazil, aher all, recently hit 68.
CITICORP 54th Street at 3rd Ave. New York, NY 10022 212-755-5033 The nubbins mail (see this space, Sep-
SOHO 349 West Broadway New York, NY 10022 212-226-5255
tember and October 1989 and January
1990, and Eating, by Henry Alford, May
1989) continues to trickle in. Dr. Denise
cl
M. Leclair of Washington, D.C., reports
ii i:
T-SHIRT.
THE that according to a conversation "over-
ONLY IN BLACK. ONLY WITH YELLOW LOGO. heard in an orthopedic surgeon's off ice,"
nubbins are "congenital extra bits of
ONLY IN 100% COTTON. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
digits (i.e., fingers or toes) but only if
they're small and, well, nubbinlike."
A reader from Toronto says that nubbins
"have been spotted north of the border"
and sends along an article in Chofeloine
in which Margaret Atwood uses the word.
And David A. Roth of San Francisco
I knew exactly where to look, "lt took mc
five minutes' he writes, "to find two
mentions of the word nubbin in the works
of S. J. Perelman." Any further mail on
nubbins will be forwarded to STEAM-
HAMMER (A Division of SPy).
"The prospect of writing to s fills
me with dread" is how Wood Foster of
5H Minneapolis begins a letter that he ends
0g CREDIT CARDS with the valediction "Cautiously, Wood
ACCEPTED) FOR $12
(INCLUDFS POSTAGE AND Foster." In between, he gingerly alludes
ADORC$$:
HANDI.1NG: NY STATE to SPY's exaggerated reputation for
RFSIDENTS ADD 8.25*
cny:
SAÍ.ES TAX). SPECIFY "publicly humiliating" readers who
STATt Zw
QUANTIT DETACH make even "one slip, one tiny misstep"
COUPON AND MAIL TO:
when they write us. You did fine, Wood
QUANTITY: NIW (-$) S U ____ L XL _ TOTAL LNCLOSED S
SPY T-shirts no "horribly scathing editorial reply"
Onu UMITIDTO U.S. AHDCAHADA. CAHAD4AN U$ID(NTS PUlSI PAY U.S. $WG0000NLY WHIU P.O. Box 295
suty LASTS. PLIASE ALLOW 4-4 W(IKS O* DILIVIIY Federolsburg, MD 21632 is forthcoming. Foster detected

18 SPY FEBRUARY 1990

are inclined to believe him despite your ad,no-
?zition fusi ai we are Inclined to believe the
fi ,t part ofyour letter despite your recommen-
dation o/Valium andXanax, two highly addic-
live prescription drugs whose casual use has
been cautionedagainsi by the medical community.
DEAR EDITORS our Bohemian Grove
article brought back
memories of my youth in warm, pre-
condo-ized Sonoma County. Every sum-
mer I would trek over to the small airport
that normally housed Pipers and Beèch-
craft and the occasional firefighting C-47,
to see it bursting with Learjets and small
airliners. The suited personages would
scurry out of the planes and into waiting
limos, the drivers fighting boredom by
yelling at me, "Get the hell away from
here!" Was the squat guy in the crew cut
running to the Lincoln Henry Kissinger?
Possibly; I didn't recognize most of the
VIPs. Neither did the local sheriff's de-
partment recognize some other summer
vacationers who came along with the en-
campmentslocal Russian River inhabi-
rants grumbled about the professional
ladies who appeared, ready for business
and remarkably unharassed by the law
Is it sorne sort of curious coincidence
that your 1964 debut reprint ("SPY's
2 5th-Anniversary Commemorative Keep-
sake Issue: A Facsimile Reprint of the
Very First Issue of SPY," Novemberl lea-
tures a poem by a "Faun Rosenberg;' the
same name as the spooky, turtleneck-clad
poetess in National Lampooiis 1964 high
school yearbook parody? Would that be
explained by the editorial assistants listed?
Doug Kenney as intern?
¡an R. Beste
Monirose, California
A n early and eager contributor to spy, Faun
Rosenberg eventuallyjoinedour staffas a senior
editor and played an important, albeit brief
role in our so-called Golden Era when sPY, as
we arefrequently told. was "stillfunny'. Trag-
icaily, Rosenberg's life was cut short in a freak
1967 boating accident. Doug Kenney, mean-
while, built on his invaluable training as an
unpaid si'i' intern to become afounding editor
ofNational Lampoon in 1970 and co-creator
ofits legendary yearbook parody several years
later Rosenberg's 'appearance' in the parody
was thus no coincidence at all bui, as you sur-
mised. a so,-t o/uy memorial to a woman Ken-
ney hadknown and likedand whom one or two
ofourolderstaffers stillrememberfondly. (Eerily,
Kenney's lè was cut short as well, in a 1980
hiking accident.)
DEAR EDITORS tidos for "Inside Bo-
hernian Grove' and
loved the map!
Some additional infothe old pissers
are not only militarist (murderist) male-
chauvinist classist pigs (insult to Sus scro-
fa) but also sufferers, no doubt, from
BPH: benign prostatic hyperplasia (en-
larged prostate gland), which means that
their enlarged glands are squeezing (and
smallufying) their urinary bladders, catis-
ing their valves to want to open and emp.
ty their small-content bladders very often.
According to Dr. P. C. Walsh (via Cecil
& Loeb), by age 50, 50percent to 75 percent
o/all males will have this condition. Why?
We dont know. We do know the condition
is testosterone-level-related, and a sure
cure is to cut your balls offi
The condition is universal. A cross-
cultural study revealed "no cases among
New Guinea natives"! A return to New
Guinea showed that men piss there
wherever they want whenever they want.

NoJacket No T No Sock No Viths.

Pier- House isn't just a place to stay. lt's a
lifestyic. Uninhibited, spirited and as laid-back
as the firnous Conch Republic itself. On the
GuIC in the heart ofOld Key West, we offer
spacious rooms and suites, five restaurants,
THE PERFECT PLACE TO CONCH OU T ON KEY WEST
five bars, and an all-new Caribbean Spa with
complete facilities for pampering and work-
ing out. Pier House. lt's an unusual place
iI_1 an unusual place. Call us at l-800-327-8340
(U.S.); l-800-432-3414 (FL).
Q
Tht1,fIm,i4L
One Duval Street, Kcy West (305) 2%-4OO

FEBRUARY 1990 SPY 19

BPH? A real social(ly defined) disease!
Well, but what is the survival potential
olsuch a trait? I have a theory.
Since old men (and also women) are
less attractive and this (beauty) cor-
responds according to another wonderful
theory (not mine) with their fecundity
and potential parenting ability and value,
this need to pee more often causes a corn-
pensatory more frequent display of the
active penis and therefore a more fre-
quent stimulation and invitation to luck
(both sexes) but especially I suppose
(egoist) to the female. Think about it!
Nature erks in strange ways.
Thu Kiipferberg
New York
It stare does! Mr Kiipferberg is, ofcourse, being
characteristically modest in limiting bis re-
marks to the Bohemian Grove .ftory; it was
apparentlyjii.rt such lively contributions io the
early SPY that earned him his spot on the ,nast-
head back in 1964.
DEAR EDITois eeing that first issue
of SPY made me long
for a 'Tour de SPY.. a look at all the
great SPY covers through the years. lt
would be a real treat, and quite unique, to
see them all. Like that one with Nixon
and Rosemary Woods erasing tape, or the
one with Timothy Leary and Cary Grant
mixing a batch of LSD for Tom Wolfe.
Troy Torrison
Chicago, Illinois
DEAR EDITORS hile I was flattered
to be offered the top
position on your masthead, the noncom-
pete clause in my contract with Monocle re-
quires me to decline the honor. Monocle,
which began in 1957 as "a leisurely quar-
terly of political satire" (we came out
twice a year), by 1964 had turned into "a
radical sporadical" (we came out like the
UN police forcewhenever there was an
emergency, and whenever we could solve
our continuing financial crisis). Our final
subscription offer, sometime in the mid-
1960s, was "$7.50 for 10 issues" or "$5
for a lifetime subscription' So as you can
see, although our last issue came out 25
years ago, we are still very much in busi-
ness. As a matter offact, since we stopped
publishing, our losses have gone down to
where, aside from the stamps for this let-
spy's pervasive influence in a chart that
appeared in the Twin Cities Reader, but
we don't really mind what they did. Not
as much, anyway, as we mind the Uni-
versity of Michigan's Michigan Daily's
running a pair of look-alikes under SPY'S
"Separated at Birth?" heading (thanks to
Eric Wakin of Ann Arbor for that clip-
ping). And not nearly as much as we mind
the shameless, recidivist Boston Her-
aid's doing four look-alike pairs under
the headline SEPARATED AT BIRTH IN THE BAY
STATE (that was sent to us by two Boston
readers with surnames ending in double
r's, Susan M. Marr and C. Hylen Smurr).
On the other hand, we liked the San
Antonio Express-News clip Heather Wood
sent us from that city, and not just be-
cause SPY was actually credited. The pho-
tos, of Drew Barrymore and Leo Gorcey
(which appeared in the October 1989 is-
sue of SPY), were accompanied by an oc-
tuaI explanation of the joke. "The old
saying says you usually can find some-
one who could pass for your twin," reports
the Express-News, leading its readers by
the nose, "which may make some people
wonder if the two of you were sepa-

MARYJANE SHADY HAS A SECRET...

A secret so frightening she has not gone home for twenty years.
Home is Uncertain, Texas, where Aunt Lottie and Mary Jane's
mother Irene run the Uncertain Chapel ofMemories Funeral Parlor.
Where Siamese twins Verona and Morona are running for
homecoming queen. Where Baby Flowers, on Ava Gardner
look-alike, takes her daily walk out on Highway 158ou natural.
i.oPsY DINGO WILD DOG is mod and moving; fearless and
frolicking. Ms. Corr has a passionate, original mind and a wild
t heart that burns with the truth:' Beth Henley
'Â strenuous loff-riot first novel...the hee-haw yocks come fast
and furious:' Kirkus Reviews
' "The two major exports of the Permian Basin area of West
Texas are natural gas and Camilla Carr. Both are
\ programmed to ignite!" Steve Shagon
CBirch Lane Press
Carol Publishing Group

At bookstores. Or send $17.95 pIUS $2 postage and handling to: Birch Lone Press.
120 EnterprIse Ave.. Secoucus. New Jersey 07094. For credit cord orders (Viso or
MasterCard) call toll-free 18OO-447-BOOK.
 r ¡vi
.--
- - ' .
.-.-.----.
'':
- ; .
- k:
I
'1I
ib
- .
:
,
cer, we have reached the break-even point, DEAR EDITORS our piece "Name
and our reputation (we used to be called That Tune, Mr. Spock!
erratic and sophomoric) has gone way up. bea rs a more-tha n-striki ng resemblance
Victor Navasky to "Mr. Spock's Proverbs" (copy enclosed),
Editor and publisher which has been circulating on computer
Monocle (195 7) network bulletin boards for some years
New York now.
Could Messrs. Yazbek and Korder have
inadvertently revealed one of their
DEAR EDITois e were so excited sources? Certainly Mr. Yazbek had access
about che Novem- to such material via BITnet during his
ber Naked City item "Name That Tune, pre-Emmy years at Brown, or is he merely
Mr. Spock!" [by David Yazbek and recycling old ¡'hiltrum Press columns?
Howard Korder), we decided to do a cou- Peterj Sultan
ple ourselves: Boston, Massachusetts
The logical response would be 'Yes, Mr Yazbek
Adult male human who plays a percussion
instrument with a tightened diaphragm
and small circular appurtenances, male
went to Brown, but he didn't know anything
about M Spock Proverbs' on a computer
bulletin board there and he didn't spend his
human.
time at college playing games with computers."
("Mr. Tambourine Man)
The illogical response would be Leave us alone,
Condensation on the grass in the early geek."
hours
Brooklyn "Whatr spy welcomes letters ¡roui its readers. /tddress
A short simple song correspondence to si'i', 'i'he SPY Building, 5
A short simple song Union Square West, New York, N.Y 10003.
("Do Wah Diddy Diddy) Please include your daytime telephone nu;nber
Bob Lapides and Glenn Esiersohn Typeu'ritten letters are preferred. Letters may be
New York edited/or length or clarity. )
22 SPY FEBRUARY I9)
rated at birth." So that's what it means.
C. Hylen Smurr?
But enough. There's too much to do.
Nancy Roberts will be needing to add
this month's tally to her running total
(Nancy: it's 3 New York letters, i i from
out of town, but do double-check our
math); Bic's trademark police will want
to be drafting us a letter explaining why
Bic is not an acceptable substitute for
ballpoint; and poor Fomalhaut's apart-
ment, flooded with sloshing water by
now, will certainly require a mop.
COR R E C T I ON S
The photography
I --
credit for "SPY's New
and Improved Pro-
posed Anti-Flag-Dese-
cration Constitution-
"ltp.
al Amendment" (by
Bruce Handy, December 1989) was in-
advertently omitted; the portfolio was
photographed by Jenny Lynn.
In one of last December's Usual Sus-
pects, the ownership of the Pace Gallery
in New York was incorrectly stated. The
gallery is owned by Arnold Glimcher.
 . :

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T H R I H T
byjamie Malanowski
MORE FROM THE WONDER-
FUL WORLD OF FINE DINING
Last month we were able to
bring you reports of restau-
rants that had been cited for
violations by the Department
of Health last winter and
spring. Here are some popu-
lar eating establishments that
were cited as recently as last
summer. Bon appétit!
GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT
424 Amsterdam Avenue
Inspectors found that che
kitchen floors and walls were
grease-, dirt- and food-en
crusted, that the basement
door wasn't rodentproof, that
the dishwasher temperature was
too low and the hood ventila-
tion motor too noisy, and that
a cat lived on the premises.
At an inspection two months
later there were flies.
LOTUS BLOSSOM
317 Greenwich Street
Fresh and old mouse drop.
pitigs and fresh and old rat
droppings.
I-- '
TABAQ
101 Lexington Avenue
Inspectors found the walls
and ceiling in the kitchen and
walk-in refrigerator dirty and
discolored, "dishes not being
sanicized and strcet clothes
hung in kitchen (No locker
room providedY
CAFE GEIGER
206 East 86th Street
24 SPY FEBRUARY 1990
( ((
-i.,4/
(( er(
(j
LIKE MANY OTHER HOLLYWOOD SPOUSES, LYNDA
GUBER, the wife ofSony's unconscionably overpaid
Columbia Pictures hireling PETERGUBER, has discov-
ered that conjugal proximity to an entertainment-
industry Pooh-Bah can stir powerful creative urges.
Feeling acutely artistic not long ago, Lynda and a
girlfriend decided to write and produce an autobi-
ographical made-for-television movie about travel-
ing through India, to be titled Spiritual Girls on the
March. As opposed to less advantaged spouses who,
like optimistic amateurs everywhere, must work
offofsomeone's coffee table, Lynda and her pal set
up shop in the Guber-Peters boardroom, where, as
Spiritual Girls Productions, they worked with the
latest in cyber-inspirational equipment: a pair of
word processors outfitted with suede-sheathed good-
vibe-inducing crystals.
PATHOLOGICAL METHOD ACTOR SEAN PENN raised
his art to new heights while filming his forthcom-
¡ng Irish-mob emote-o-rama, State ofGrace. Eager
to deliver a heartfelt performance for boy director
PHIL JOANOU (U2: Rattle and Hum), Penn apparently
readied himseiffor action scenes by pointing guns
at the heads ofcrew members and, one time, smash-
ing his own head through a glass window. When
another scene required Penn to show his romantic
side, he nestled in bed with actress ROBIN WRIGHT
(Buttercup in The Princess Bride) and began his
actor's preparations, looking deep inside him-
self and coming up with some unexpected im-
provisations. Which is to say, he vomited all over
the sheets.
fl-IAT STRANGE, SUDDEN GUST OF WIND you felt
a few months ago? That was Broadway's collective
sigh ofreliefas PATTI LUP0NE left to flex her ego on
prime-time television. It seems that the talented
but generally histrionic star simply will not coun-
s. PI'-\ I J.uPoNE D. IIANNAH
tenance being upstaged. During the run of Any-
thing Goes at Lincoln Center, LuPone evidently
dreaded the threat posed by costar LINDA HART'S
breasts. First she lobbied for the redesign of Hart's
skimpy costume. Later, after one dance sequence
that required Hart (and her breasts) to bounce up
and down, Patti muttered backstage, Goddamn it,!
just want to cut the,,, offwith a butcher knifr One night
JIMMY STEWART came backstage at the Vivian Beau-
ITIOnt Theater after the performance to congratu-
late his old pal HOWARD MCGILLIN, one of the show's
male leads. The paparazzi swarmed. The chorus
girls giggled. LuPone fumed. The very next day
a new policy was announced at the theater: any
backstage visitor who happened to be famous
would thenceforth be escorted directly to LuPortes
dressing room. The lucky, lucky celebrity would
then be obliged to sit and talk to Patti while she
dispatched an underling to fetch the performer the
caller was actually there to seeif, that is, Patti
consented to the meeting.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT Steel Magnolias, the un-
disputed champion of last Christmas's doggerel-
emotion derby, was a modest Off-Broadway
production before feared-and-loathed old-timer
RAY STARK transmogrified it into a hammy SHIRLEY
MACLAINESALLY FIELDDOLLY PARTONDARYL HAN.
NAHJUUA ROBERTSOLYMPIA DUKAKIS vehicle. But not
everybody knows that ROBERT HARLING, the play's
author and screen adapter intended the work as a
eulogy for his sister, who died of complications
from diabetes in 1985. Harling met with an on-set
film crew that was shooting footage for a "Making
of Steel Magnolias" promotional film. It would be a
great idea, Harling told the crew, to get a shot of me
laying a magnolia at my sister's grave. The filmmakers
agreed, and they followed Harling out to the Natch-
¡toches, Louisiana, cemetery where his sister is
buried. Two hours later the crew was still following
Harling, who for the life ofhim couldnt figure out
where his sister's tomb was located.
 .irah'1d y
ASK NOT 1IHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN Do FOR YOU
s PY Comes to the Rescue o/a U.S. Senator ¡n Thìuble

t isn't often that a satirical monthly gets to lend (Comically slurred) I'd rn/ike to miake a deponsit. TNt liNt IIHT CONTINUID
a hand to a prominent elected official. But an ear- Heh heh heh...
nest call for help came our way from the office of Why does Trunpc wife have a gold diaphragm? Frcsh and old mouse
droppings.
Senator Jim Sasser (D-Tenn.), chairman of the Ha ha ha heh heh. Why?
Senate Budget Committee. Sasser was about to give Because Donald likes to come into money.
a speech to 2,000 airline executives and needed a Thats great, that's a great joke, that's a great joke. PASTA VSCCI
294 Third Avenue
few jokes to punch up his remarksspecifically, I'm glad you liked that one. ¡tc a little racy. The food.preparation area
jokes about airline owner Donald Trump. The aide Yes it is, but that's great. was under a pipe whose insu-
who called gave this explanation: "He's such a lam- Why is Trumpc wtÑ always on top? Because Trump can Lation was shredding. Also.
low dishwasher temperature
poonable guy As loyal Americans, we decided to only screw up. and mouse excreta. On an in-
help. We pick up our talk withJohn Cestar of the HA HA HA HA HA. Thats great! spection three months later,
senator's office in mid-conversation. What's the definition of skyjacking? food s not being kept
sufficiently cold, and the
What? floors and walls were dirty
SPY: You know, it:c not easy to corne ¡p with these things.
Masturbating in the Trump Shuttle. and greasy.
Cestar I know; we've been sitting here for a week.
Heh heh heh. Okay. . .tell me the first one again?
Well, i bave a couple that i nanaged to dig up. . . . Why
Thefirst one? RA'rNERS
is Donald Tramp such a good tennis player?
Yeah, I wonder if I could adapt that somehow. ... 338 Delancey Street
Why? Dirty (loots, a leak in the ccii.
Becanse he swings both ways. As it turned out, Sasser did not use any of our ing. mouse cxcreta.
[Giggles] Very funny. . . Let me write this down. really great jokes. "[The senator] has a private and
What did Donald Trump's girifriendsay when she went a public persona' the aide explained later, "al-
to the sperm bank? though he loved the blowjob joke' 144 Second Avenue
Ha ha ha ha. What? Joe Mastrianni Live mouse noted on glue
board in basement.

HUNAH COTTAGE
57 West 76th Stre«
PRIVATE LIVES Of PUBH FIGURES 01cl and fresh mouse drop.
pings. flics, low dishwasher
THE SPY LIST temperature, corroded water
heater flue.
Ben Boyo

Nadia Comancci HUNAN PARK li

721 Columbus Avenue
Bo Derek Inspectors found grease. and
dust-laden floors, low dish-
Ann Jillion washer temperature and pias-
tic jars ofjuice cooling in the
Billy Joel ice used for drinks.

Joke LaMotta
THE RITZ

Cyndi Louper 254 West 54th Street

Inspectors found no Health
Bette Midlcr Department permit, no food-
protection certificate, no
Judd Nelson choking.prevcntion poster, no
sign instructing employees to
Thomas Pynchon wash hands. There were holes
in the walls, floor and ceiling;
Randy "Macho King" the floors were dirty and lit-
Savage tered throughout; and tise toi-
let was stopped up. Bottles of
Dorothy Stratten soda were chilling in the ice
used for drinks.
Jean-Claude Tramont tfl4
Manny Trillo CHELSEA FoODS
l9i Eighth Avenue
Dianne Wiest Inspectors arrived one day in
Senator Alfonse D)'tmato confers with a cochairman o/bis campaign steering corn miltee. May and found oid and fresh
ILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN mouse excreta, a grease.

FEBRUARY 1990 SPY 25

 ( 1.
.
/ (#T.r(
Ts ,aN( P*SKT COHTIP4VID
spancred kitchen, low dish
washer temperature, a pint of'
paint remover in the food-
preparation arca and flics.
They also found. stored at a
balmy 64 degrees, spinach.
torc11ini salad that they
'condemned as unfit for isu-
man consumption They also
found uncovered bakery
goods and salads, and a cat.
i
PASSAGETo INDIA
308 Fast 6th Street
Inspectors found food uncov-
ered or improperly covered
and dirty refrigerators and
walls.
CARAMBA II
684 Broadway
Inspectors found trash im-
properly stored in the base.
ment, creating a harbor-
age condition for rodents;
also, pressurized gas cylin.
ders wercnt chained to a
KAUNKAS
1067 Madison Avenue
Old and fresh mouse drop.
pings In kitchen, missing ccii-
ins tiles, holes in the wall
and dishwasher temperature
too low.
SHERIDAN SQUARL RESTAURANT
72 Grove Street
The door frame of the walk.
in refrigerator box had a large,
open scam, and the basement
floor was littered with rodent
bedding paper chewed up A
rat was seen running into a
hole in the ceiling.
THE DECUNE OF THE WE5
ACCORDING TO STEVERINO
Just because former tele.
vision giant Steve Allen has
been reduced co touting a
bran-based breakfast cereal
(one day we will all no doubt
he touting bran-based
breakfast ccrels), he ought
flOt be denied his perquisites
when he's on the road. At
least, Ix doesn't think so. sri
has obtained an unsigned
memo, printed on Allen let-
terhead and written in an im-
plausible third'person
2f' SPY FEBRUARY 1990
'i/(I ''Iuv WouiD GET HOPPED Ur ON THE PAPERS, T
H EN READ
CON5RES IONALRECORIJIOBRING HIMSELF
DOWN''
America Has a Bad Linguistic 1-fabit on Is Back
he news media are filled these days with storiej about
the dire consequences ofdruigs. Their toll on public health
and the soda/fabric is well known, but one unexamined
effect ofdruigs is on the language drug abuse has become a
pernicious source ofaddictive metaphors. Consider: once we
were fans and enthusiasts with passions and hobbies and
pastimes: now we have joneses and habits and fixes,
I'm a news junkie' says Don Henley, who like
many musicians, credits his habit for his creativity "1
watch CNN, network TV news, read newsmagazines,
read the papers, and [the music) just comes out"
Liz Smith shares his fixation. 'The similarities
and differences in newscasts is [sic) compelling to
all newsjunkies' she says, explaining her voracious
need for a daily dosage ofall three networks' news
shows. Similarly afflicted are NBC executive pro-
ducer Dick Ebersol, who once described himself as
a "'newsjunkie' [who) reads eight newspapers every
morning"; The New Repuiblils Martin Peretz, who
said in a recent column that "Paris is a good place
for an American newspaper addict"; and Egg man
Hal Rubenstein, who said of the entire clientele at
150 Wooster, "We're all such media junkies"
Another news user was the great journalist I. F.
Stone. «He has been a news junkie since , age 14
The %V'ashington Post revealed in 1988. When he
died a year later, the Post's obituary labeled him a
"political junkie .,, [who) never got an even break
from the folks who described him' Clearly, Stone's
was a classic case of multiple dependencies.
Others hooked on governmental maneuvering in-
dude former mayor Koch ("Edward 1. Koch
attorney, raconteur, author, political junkie, gour-
a6 4 t ìv1d C4 p&
THE
mand , . . ".- Newsday); Republican spear-carrier
Robert Dole and his more successful wife, Elizabeth
("[HeJ married a woman just like him: a career-
oriented political junkie" Gannett News Service);
Maureen Reagan ("Became a political junkie when
she was a pre-teen"--- Gannett); and, astonishingly,
Sob Ley, a sportscaster on ESPN ("Bob Ley, a politi.
cal junkie at heart, approaches (the] seven-hour
NFL draft show as ifhe were covering one of the
national party conventions" USA Today).
There are others with more singular tastes. "I'm
a basketball junkie,' says sports commentator Dick
Vitale, "I Earn) a weather junkie' says Washington
Post columnist Jonathan Yardley "[l'mi a certified
gossip junkie' admits Washington Post literary guy
Charles Monaghan. Newsday columnist Murray
Kempton says he's "a junkie' fortrials." "1 don't mean
to insult McDonald's or anyching' says tennis
player Michael Chang, ruing the loss ola match to
cheeseburger-linked cramps, "but I was just a bit
of a [junk food) junkie' William Sofire, employing
an everybody-does-it rationalization of his problem,
says, "We are all linguistic junkies:'
Recovery is possible Mondy Patinkin, the bathet-
ic singer.actor, is able to say, "I'm less of a StreSS
junkie' though hes undoubtedly still taking it one
day at a time, But the toughest addiction to kick,
apparently, is group therapy. "I was a support-group
oddict,' confesses Washington Posi contributor
Moriflo Stephens. "I have had to give up smoking.
i have had to give up drinking. But nothing corn-
parcs to giving up support groups:'
- Lary Hettleman and Eddie Stern
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You ARE THERE

sPY:c Excl,aizie ?vlontb/y Behind-the-Scenes Celebrity Vignette

TUI MUlI PIHV CONTIHIJID

:

voici:, that very precisely

spells out his wants and needs.

1-IOSPITALJTY
GUIDELINES
1. Mr. ,llen has an allergy
it) ciareftv and cigar smoke.

I mention this in case it

might have some relevance to
the individuals who will be
working with him. If there
arc any heavy smokers in the
group. it would be well to ad.
vise them to do their smoking
as lar .Iway (rom Mr. Allen as
possible. He is extremely
grateful (or this consideration
and courtesy.
2. Although Mr. AlIens
lmsts arc generally known (or
the ho%it4Iity they extend, he
(lOCS flot wish anyone to go to
the expense of setting up in
his hotel suite any kind of
hospitality bar.
"Mr. Allen prefers fruit
,uicesorange juice.' grape
juiceand perhaps a supply
ofgrapcs, bananas, oranges
that sort of thing. Also, it
should be ja bAi jair six,, b SAY CH EESECI,OTH ! 1t checkout day at an ,dtraexclusive southern Calijirnia clinic and the traffic is a mess.'
arritys. not sent up hours Caagbt at the side exit after their special cbeck.sips, the isiiaIIy cha;nny 11h: and Ahc. Matou';;. Michael Jackson
later, as sometimes happens.
... 1 know that Mr. Allen is and Diana Ross. go head-to-head in a frenzied battle for limo.r in their eagerness to escape the flash o/the/'a/ul razzo
NoT particularly fond of bulb. Not many steps behind, tight-as-a-drii;ìi Che,: whilefrantically catching her driverc atle:tion. riskspop/ìing a
orange juice made from con mrgeonr stitch. PHOTOGRAPH BY SIEPHJN FRAILEY
ccsrlralc. If they have only that
kind of orange juice in your
toWn, well, ufeourse, I'm sure
hed rather have that than
none at all. But you can get
real juice just about anyplace
THE SPY TRIP Tip
these days, so please do that
ilynu can. and buy the oncen
trate type only as a lait resort.
"isiti?i,ç' the Exxon Valdez
E:.
Speciol Note: As may have
Want to recapture some Diego harbor, on the To get a look at the tell you to back it on out
already come to your atten of the excitement of beautiful Pacific coast. former supertanker, you of there. If he does, go
lion, there has been serious
¡t America's greatest en- Exxon considerately might try one of the old- one block up the hill to
collapse ofefbcicncy in
America across the board in
vironmcntal disaster, but kept the ship well off- fashioned, 25-cent tele- the Burger King; from
reent years. We see this don't relish the shallows shore for two weeks until scopes installed on the the parking lot you can
reflected in Mr. AlIens per. of Prince William Sound it had confirmed the dis- harborright near the see the 987-foot block
sonal experience, particularly
in wintertime? The Exxon charge of its remaining entrepreneur doing brisk hulk now surrounded by
when he travels. For example.
the simple instructions Corporation has thought- oil, then anchored it not business in FliCK EXXON cranes. (The view from the
above - having fruit juice and fully brought a souvenir far from San Diego's er- buttons. But to get a bet- roof of the Cop-Out top-
fruit available in his hotel of that man-made hell sati-quaint Seaport Vil- ter view, drive over to Gate less bar at 30th and Main
room when h arriveshas
[sic). in recent years, only rare- to southern California, lage. Surrounded by a 14 of the National Steel is also pretty good, and a
ly been properly attended to. already home to the colorful panorama of and Shipbuilding Corn- trip downstairs affords
"At the risk of sounding
dramatic. therefore, 1 must
Q ueen Maryond Howard friendly pleasure craft pony. Greet the guard and the traveler an opportu-
emphasize the irntXirldfl(e o
Hughes's Spruce Goose. and naval vessels, the ask him where the best flity to view members of
this detail. Yes, the 211,000-ton Val- Valdez doesn't seem out place is to take the kids to the U.S. Navy enjoying
"Formerly, employers were dez has been floated
able to attend to k by simply
of placeif you ignore see the Valdez; if he's any- some traditional shore-
giving fl%t1UCti()flS to S hotel down from Alaska and the 500-foot rupture thing like our guard (P. B. leave leisure activity.)
staff. usually the Room stationed ¡n the San along her starboard side. Bedford), he'll probably - Hank Rosenfeld

2*1 SPY FEBRUARY 199()

 Aì,
AW
...

I J
S1' j r.
i

'/ '.. i '

W»s ,. .

CALVIN KLEIN
I IORSE BREEDER. KLEIN. TEXAS

JJ'

WERE TOLD OUR BOOTS ARE PREFERRED BY ROCKERS. CELEBRITIES. MOVIE STARS.
EVEN PRESIDENTS THAT NOTION ALWAYS BRINGS A CHUCKLE 10 CALVIN.

WORLD FAMOUS HANDCRAFTED BOOTS. Ei. I'ASO.TEXAS.

FOR TUE STORE NEARESTYOU. CALL I-800-44T-LAMA.
 i. ( I.
/frfaY)( (f /f
(I,
Tilt PINI PuNT CONTIHUID
Service departmcnt. The day
when that sort of instruction
could be depended upon is -
aslsayapparcntlylongpast.
Accordingly, it will be
necessary (or or some-
one you designate - to per-
sonally supervise this one de-
tail. This means, obviously.
that the hotel management
office will have to be called
o?, the day of Mr Allens ar-
rivalto make sure that more
than one penon on i/,e hotel
Jlafis assuming personal
responsibility for following
up this simple-enough
instruction.
if there is the slightest
question in your minci about
this. please feel free to discuss
the matter with mc by phone.
Naturally. neither Mr. Allen
or (sic) any other entertainer
ought to have to be personally
concerned about making in-
quiries about such things when
he arrives in your cicy so I
would really appreciate it if
you could just arrange to have
the juice and fruit waiting in
his room, the way it was for
many years. Thanks (or your
attention to this detail.
_3_ Mr. Allen prefers his
hotel suite to be just a few
stories up so that hes out of
the sound of traffic, hut no:
up in the lop of the hotel. Be-
tween the 3rd and 6th floors
is preferable. He also asks
that the suite be located in a
quiet area of the building,
away from elevators and ice
machines. ...
"4. A small refrigerator
should he placed in Mr. Al-
lens hotel suite BEFORE HE
ARRÏVFSnot an hour or
two later So could you please
sireis that this item should be
in the room hefov he gets there.
THANK YOU!
TRANSPORTATION OF THE
DAMNE D
Most New Yorkers will agree
that riding the subways can
be depressing. While dirt.
noise, crowds and crime no
doubt contribute co public
dissatisfaction, one element
that has been overlooked is
the nature of subway advertis-
Ing. Almost without excep-
tion, the placards placed in
the trains describe a
30 SPY FEBRUARY 1990
LETTERS IO THE EOTOR OF THE NEW YORKER
SPY periodicallypublishes Letters to the Editir of The New Yorker becauie The New
Yorker doesn't. Still. Address correspondence to "Dear J3ob,"c/o spy, The SPY Building,
.5 Union Square West, New York, N.Y 10003.
DEAR BOB,
Anachronism Alert in Pauline Kael stand-in 'lirrcncc Rafferty's review of Sea
IKE
ofLove: paragraph four, dedicated initially to ruminations on an AIDS-generation
sexual motif, ends with che false, unfortunately expressed assertion that if the Lii SM 1K
character Helen married the character Frank Keller her naine "would be' Fielen
Keller. Fact is, it could be so (if this were real life, of course, and not a movie). T o i E B OA R J
Though the insight is truly appreciated, R.afrty should get hip to the big picture: ;VIonth/:, 7tiI.
women (/11,11 gotta change their names when ¡bey gel married anymore.
1-bIlis Robbins
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Mike Ovita ........ 4.8
Liz herself .......... 6
CEESTA HINDsIGRI Roseanne Barr ...... 6
Sl)Y Horoscopefor Skeptics
Malcolm Forbes ..... 6
The Plaza .......... 6
p.' Subject: RUDOLPH GIULIANI Subject: ZSA Zs1
Nancy Reagan ...... 6
Sign: (;cìini (b. 5/28/44) GABOR .-
(I '5 Kathleen Turner ..... 6
Date:
November 7, 1989 Sign: Aquarius
:.-. Notable Activity: Lost the Tom Brokaw ........ 8
(b. 216/17)
Steve Ross ......... 8
New York mayoral election Dote: October 24,
Horoscope: "Avoid seeking others' ap. 1989 Diane Sawyer ....... 8
¡roval' Usha, USA ibday Notable Activity: Was sentenced to Elizabeth Taylor ..... 8
three- days in jail, fined and ordered Donald Trump ...... 8
Subject:li\i BAKKII n) do community service after slap. Oprah Winfrey ...... 8
Sign: (tI)ri(-orn (b. 1/2/40) p1g an L.A. policeman Barry Diller ........ 12
Date: Occobcr 24, 1989 Horoscope: "A delightful week in that
Billy Norwich ...... 12
Notable Activity: Was sentenced to 45 not only are you the center of atten- Jon Bon Jovi ........24
years in jail for fraud and conspiracy .buc you are praised and ad-
tJOfl..
Carol Channing . .24
Horoscope: lise caution concerning mired for your good works. You're
. .
Lewis Grossberger . 24
fina ncial investments. . Your inner ill Ofl opinionated mood, but no one
. .
.
stability will see you rlirough.' Usha, seems to mind."Wendy Hawks,
USA Today National Examiner - George Mannes
TEN YEARS Aoo IN SPY
"Henderson and I then headed over into Oakland to take
a look at the neighborhood where he grew up. As we tooled along
on the lower deck of I-880, he told me about the kids
he used to play sandlot ball with. I don't remember much of
what he said, though, because I couldn't stop thinking
about all the concrete over my head. When the next big quake
hits San Francisco, one thing you definitely don't
want to be doing is tooling along on the lower deck of l-880,
with or without Rickey Henderson.
One big shake and, mon, it's pancake time."
from "Waiting for Spring Training," by David Owen,
spy, February 1980

THIPIUIPINTCONTINUID
world that is painful. dis-
eased, uncrnployed, tawdry
and desperately delusional.
Tour wich us a typical car on
che IND:
DRUGS AGAIN! FIRED AGAIN!
HOW CAN I ASK MY FAMILY TO
UNDERSTAND. .AGAIN!" THE
.
DRUGIALCOHOL HELPLINE
(212) 262.2000
'I CANT PAY MY DOCIR BILIS.
HOW DO I GET MEDICAID?"
FEBRUARY
Moscow, wrote in his
D A T E B IJ O K
diary, "War! As soon
Enchanting andAlarming
as possible! Now! . . .
Events Upconing
Communism must be
i Canned Food destroyed!"
Monthheld one 9 The penultimate day
month before National of National Cork
Frozen Food Month Board Week, and thus
aims to "dispel some your next-to-last
f the myths about chance to celebrate the
canned foods' excitement that
according to a innermost
spokesperson. layer of the
'
oflaughter. appliances with which
14 Va1entines Day. you might use the very
This year, play Cupid. cans that you earlier
Send cards to all your altered your life-style
colleagues, but sign to accommodate.
someone else's name 26 Bun Day in
and watch those office Iceland. "Children
inhibitions dissolve. invade homes in the
15 The opening of the morning with colorful
Museum of American sticks and receive gifts
Folk Arts "Beneath ofwhipped cream
the Ice: The Art of buns:'
Spearfishing Decoys" 28 The 457th birthday

CALI. THE HR/i INFOLINE
(718) 291.1900
lIAS OWING MONEY BECOME
A BAD HABIT? CALL BUDGET
& CREDIT COUNSELING SER-
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PERIS, SCAR CORRECTIONS
212488-8326
People forget bark of the Prepare for the rush - of sixteenth-century
that canned suber. A try carpooling, or take French essayist Michel
foods can be spokesperson for public transit. de MoQtaigne. In Book
part of today's the celebration 21-25 1lìc Greater One ofhis Essays,
life-style' So would not New York Apartment Montaigne wrote, "And
the next time your life- describe any of the and Home Show at if you have lived a
style needs a pick-me- events scheduled to the Jacob K. Javits day, you have seen
U say yes to canned
. . take place, saying, "We Convention Center everything. One day
yams. are keeping a cork on will include an is equal to all days
5 On this date in this years festivities" exhibition of"high-end A tired man, that
1951 General Grow, a comment that took kitchen and bath Montaigne, and clearly
the febrile US.
off like a rocket products"your one who never had
military attaché in ship to the world chance to see expensive access to cable TV )

ANAL WARTS. FISSURES. HEM- --

ORRHOIDS. TREATED IN
MINUTES WITH LASERS.
I.S00-MD-TUSCH
J B t u R B M A T
Capsule ìtlovie Reviews by Walter "Dateline: The Copa" Monheii,
WE WILL TRAIN YOU IN THE the Movie Pub1icisi Friend
FOI.LOWING AREAS: COM-
PUTEE ENTRY OPIRATOR,
COMPUTER & ELECTRONIC
SERVICE TECHNICIAN, WORD
ThE HUNT RR RED OCIXBER, starring Alec Baldwin, Sean Conner)' (Rramount) f'P'
PROCESSING OPERATOR. SCS
Walter Monheit says. "All hands on deck - the hunt for Alec Baldwin is on, and
BUSINESS & TECHNICAL Oscar's got him ¡n the cross hairs! Anchors aweigh!"
INSTITUTE, INC.

NO QUERÍA CORRlR NINGUN

SIANLEY AND IRIS, starringJane Fonda, Robert Dc Niro (MGM/UA) PPPt
RIESGO CON MI CARRERA DE Walter Monheit says, "A triumph of love, understanding and nitty-gritty, keep-the-
BELLEZAWILFRED BEAUTY dream-alive, you-and-me spirit! De Niro and Fonda teach us a lot about Stanley
ACADEMY 997.0)00
and Iris - but even more about ourselves!"
IF YOU KNOW OF CORRUPTION
IN OUR PUBLIC SCHOOLS, VITAL SIGNs, starring Adrian Pasdar. Diane Lane (20th Century Fox)
RAISE YOUR HAND. CALL
566-7378
Walter Monbeit says, "Steamy, seamy and hubba-hubba dreamy! If Clara Bow was
the lt Girt, then Diane Lone is something else altogetherthe 'O000f' girl!"
INJURED IN AN ACCIDENT?
CALL (212) 292-HUEr
MILLER'S CROSSING, starring Gabriel Byrne (20th Century Fox)
DO YOU SUFFER FROM I5OT WalterMonheitsays, "Begorra, lads and lassies, Gabriel Byrne is the Emerald Isle's
l'AIN?FREECONSULTATION most potent export since Guinness Stout! Get the podium ready for Byrne's
LASER SURGERY AVAILABLE
Crossing to kiss the Blarney Oscar!"
WORLD TRADE, UPThWN, MID-
1OWN, DOWNTOWN, WALL
STREET, BRONX What the PlIOnOC/es mean: ÇIÇ5 - excellent; fÇÇ indisputably a classic
32 SPY FEBRUARY 1990
 "How come the Irish
never got
a salad dressing?"
MIXE REYNOLDS

I've always been

"My parents forced me
to go to confession
every week
a liar. Well, and I hated it,
because we're Jewish."
HUGH FINK

that's not true. 'ALL

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living with a vampire.
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and suck the life
out of you Sponsored in part
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9OBBY SLAY1DN AM WI
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OGRULLING IN OR TIME SEPARATEO AT BIRTH?

Tnt FINI PlINY CONIINUID "Kellerman is also unusually good at making his
characters genuine humans."
SOME PEOPLE TELL US THEY
DIDNT REALIZE TH#IT WE
--.1. Of1\ FI IlletII)dII oli Jonathan Kellermans
TREAT SEXUALLY TRANSMIT- Silent Partner
TED DISEASE . THE PEOPLE
AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. "Tight, elegant writing, vivid characters, a haunt-
ingly beautiful sense of place."
PREGNANI? WE CAN HEI.P.
Kellerman on I llIr:nan's Skinwalkers
LINCOLN WOMENS SERVICES Abe Rosenthal ... and Joe Flynn?
OBSTETRICS, GYNECOLOGY.
ADORTION

l.A VIDA NO TERMINA CUAN

DO COMIENZA EL CÁNCER.
HASTA QUE LLEGUE LA CURA
"Thcre have been many biographies of Winston
Churchill but this . . . strikes me as the best."
\X1i!Iiaii L. Shirer on Willialn Manchester's
The Last Lion
wraw' ". r '.
NOSOTROS OFRECEMOS EL k í
CUIDADO. 302.2400 "Absolutely superb. . . . A penetrating insght into one
of the most complex men in world history."
TALK it) LIS ABOUT HIV (AIDS)
TFSTING NEAR YOU. 1.718
- 1LflChCStCf 00 Shirers (,u//ìi
Book publisher and Yogi Berro?
485-8111. THE AIDS HOTI.INE
"At the age of 84, Graham Greene remains, as V. S. Howard Kaminsky...
970.2468 HOT CLASSIFIEDS Pritchett said, 'one of the two or three living novelists
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540.2121 BLACKJACK
I,rit n Moore Ou Graham Grectie's
9 RACPS A DAY PUT YOU ON The Captain and the Enemy
CLOUD 9AQUEDUCT
"I was delighted to get the proofs of Brian Moore's
"1D PRODUCE A BROADWAY
novel. He is my favorite living novelist."
SHOW. STARRING ME. NEW
YORK Lqr1TALL YOU NEED - Greene on Moore's The (,reat Victorian Collection
IS A DOLLAR AND A DREAM Howard Kaplan Zubin Mehta ... and Howie Mandel?
By contrast. the placards in a
typical Car on one of the comO
'w- -- '- "e'-

muter trains that run up the

Hudson advertise a condoS
minium complex. a mutual VHO IL STAND GUARD OVER TE QUEEN'S WHAT'S IN
fund, the Trump Shuttle. the
Pan Am Shuctic. Famous REFRIGERATOR WREN A FEDERAL BUREAU OF PRisoNs A NAME?
Grouse scotch and the Met. Oii, Monthly
ropolitan Museum of Art. EMPLOYEE Is STANDING GUARD OVER TE QUEEN?
1% nagrani 1% nalysis
A glimpse oftbe Helmnsley Palacet kitchen, circa Nove,nber ¡989

CONGRESSIONAL PRIVILEGE
Hcrc arc a few more items VICE PRESIDENT
available at che Capitol sta ISN'T PERCEIVED
ionery stores, whose clientele
is limited to our insulated
elected officials and staff. The DANIEL ORTEGA
figure on the left is the price LIED TO REAGAN
ofthe item at the Capitol stores;
on the right. the price at
stores where regular folk shop: SENATOR JESSE HELMS
Legal pad ....... S.601S2.29
ASSHOLE MENS JESTER
Ball of twine . . . . $l.601$3.79
Frozen yogurt . . . . $65/31.80
Mont Blanc Rollerball
SHIRLEY LORD
pen ....... 375.001399.00
Kodacolor Gold DRY EROS HILL
100 film ..... 33.37/35.19
Pack ofTums ..... 3.50/3.87
Webster s THE REVEREND
thesaurus . . . 3850/312.95 AL SHARPTON
Large EImers glue .3.85131.13
OH, DAN RATHER
Manicure ..... 35.00/313.00
Womens NEVER SLEPT
haircut . . . $l2.00/$17.00) .4 P/dy Aaron

34 SPY FEBRUARY 1990

 cDINARY PROPORTION OF SINGLE MALT WII/f

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F-

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SCOTCH -'

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 A BriefHistory ofBruce Springsteen Compulsive Stage floggingas Chronicled Compulsively in Rolling Stone
ver the years, Rolling Steen and Bruce
Springstone have developed a cozy rela-
tionship. Indeed, prior to becoming the
Boss's producer and manager,Jon Landau
was an editor at the magazinc for many
yearsas was Springsteen's official hagi-
ographer Dave Marsh, whose wife, Bar-
bara Care, is Landau's assistant. But noth-
ing has been quite so consistently intimate 11/2/89: "Bruce Springsteen celebrated his
as the magazine's coverage (in its Random fortieth birthday at the Stone Pony. . . . He
Notes section) ofthose entirely spontane- joinedJimmy Cliffonstage. . . . Cliffthen led
ous, supersurprising guest appearances the crowd . . . in singing 'Happy Birthday"
that the Boss is fond of making at other
people's concerts. At the Stone Pony, for
instance - the club is Springsteen's favor-
itejersey shore venue - the Boss has been
good-naturedly upstaging other acts for
years (in fact, one of the shore clubs he
used to play was actually called the Up-
stage). And yet the novelty of impromptu
Springsteen concerts has not worn thin,
for as a Stone Pony spokesman points out,
"It's always kind ofmagic when he gets up
there." Perhaps that's why, out ola total of
133 such appearances since 1974 (plus 2
with street musicians in Denmark), Rain-
dom Notes editors have seen fit to write
about 29 - or roughly 2 1 percent. (Note:
comparative figures weren't available for
Random Notes' coverage of Donovan's
surprise concert appearances.) Even more
f ascinating, however, is the richness of
descriptive language evoked by these sin-
gular events:
Sometimes Bruce Just "Joins" In
10/2/80: "Springsteen. .recently. .joined"'
. .
J ackson Browne onstage. Afterward, . .
Browne tried to lead the crowd in [a)
'Bruuuce!' chant. The L.A. crowd, how-
. . .
ever, didn't catch on."
9/1/83: "Springsteen joined a bar band,
Diamonds, at the Stone Pony. for an im-
promptu set ofrock & roll standards."
5/9/85: During a Neil Young concert,
Bruce "joined in on a twenty-minute ver-
sion of Neil's Down by the River.'"
9/10/87: "Bruce Springsteen was recently
back..withanunannouncedblitz....He
joined the band Jab Love for a reggae ver-
sion ofBorn in the U.S.A."
'As listed in che recently published Bath.uree:s:
36 SPY FEBRUARY 1990
8110/89: "Bruce Springsteen is back to his
old stage-hopping tricks . . .joining Killer
Joe Delia's band ......
8/24/89: "You'd hardly expect to find
Jackson Browne . . . in Atlantic City. . . . For
his encore of 'Stay,' Browne was joined by
Bruce Springsteen, who remained onstage"
11/16/89: "On the eve ofhis fortieth birth-
day, Bruce Springsteen . . .joined Jimmy
Cliff. - . onstage to sing Cliff's 'Trapped.'"
Other Times, He More Spontaneously
"Pops," "Turns," "Shows" or Simply
"Comes" Up Onstage
5/9/85: "Bruce Springsteen often turns up
onstage to jam with new acts, but this
time hepoppediip...during a Neil Young
concert"
7/3/86: "AfterJohn [Eddic . . . started gig-
ging in Jersey-shore clubs. Springsteen
started showing up, often doing a number
or two with him."
9/10/87: "Bruce. . .jammed with Marshall
Crenshaw. . . . 'Some guy from the Stone
Pony asked us uwe were planning on hay-
¡ng Bruce come up and play. I didnt know
what to do' Crenshaw eventually mar-
shaled the courage. . . . 'lt was really cool."
',n,n- sarIi
iiíoioö: trauij imon nao snown up un- tensity with a full-page recapitulation o
-I -
announced at the [Harryl Chapin trib-
. . .
ute [where Bruce also played). A week
. later, Springsteen did the same at Simon's
MadisonSquareGardenconcert....... urns
out Simon had recruited him ......
Occasionally, However, the Situation
Demands That Bruce Actually
"Take the Stage"
. .
5'24/84 "Springsteen recently took to the
stage of his favorite Jersey club, the Stone
Pony, where he reeled off an unusual as-
sortment of cover tunes."
4/20/89: "Bruce Springsteen . . .
Patti Scialfa to a party for boxer Ray 'Boom
Boom' Mancini at [Mickeyl Rourke's
club, Rubber. Springsteen took the stage
withthehouse band to sing 'C.C. Rider."
Springiteen: The Man and His MNsir, by Charles R. Cross and the editors of IJaeksiree:s magazine.' Italics ours throughout.
5/4/89: "Bruce Springsteen, who recently
took the stage at the L.A. club Rubber to
sing 'C.C. Rider' with the house band, the
Mighty Hornets, is on the West Coast
with Patti Scialfa."
8/10/89: "Bruce Springsteen is back to his
old stage-hopping tricks . . .taking the stage
with Bobby Bandiera."
Once Bruce Even "Got Up" Onstage
12/11/80: "[Philj Hamilton invited
[Bruce] down to catch [Hamiltons bandi
that night. . .and to Hamilton's utter as-
tonishment, the Boss showed. . . . Finally,
Springsteen got up onstage."
And on One Occasion, Bruce Actually
Found Himself the Object, Rather Than the
Subject, of the Very Carefully Selected Verb
11/20/86: "Neil Young . . told the crowd...,
'I'd like to bring oui in) friend Bruce to do
one with me.'
But Whatever the Case, Whether Bruce
is "Joining" a Fellow Superstar Onstage or
Simply "Showing Up" for a Song or Two
With Some Lucky Second-Stringer,
You Can Be Sure That the Event Is Always
Completely Spur-of-the-Moment
9/21/89: "During Ringo Starr's recent
show. . . Starr announced that there were
some friends waiting in the wings. With
chat, Bruce Springsteen appeared onstage."
- David Kamp and Bob Mack
ADDENDUM: Rolling Stonés Springsteen
coveragerecentlyreachedanewlevelofin-
tle star's 1989 year-in-stage-hogging. The
photo-packed article rereported Spring-
steen's appearances with Delia, Young,
Bandiera and Browne ("joined' "turned
up onstage with' "join[ed]" and "joined
respectively) while offeringbelated, never-
before-published accounts of Bossian
jams with Nils Lofgren; Gary U.S. Bonds,
La Bamba and the Hubcaps and Cats on
a Smooth Surface; and the Fabulous
Greaseband ("showed up during [Lof-
gren's) gig' "played with' and "played .
with"). Employing a sort of wistful coda,
brought
the magazine tacked on an account of a
rare, unrealized Springsteen cameo: "Ru-
mors he wouidjoin New Kids on the Block
for a set ofCrecdence covers proved falser
 I ( 1.
,:J(fq')f (f #/
(I
THERE'S A KIND OF HOSH
Treatments for Four Short Films About Mimes

1. A tired woman is trudging past the
Metropolitan Museum of Art. As she
lights a cigarette, she notices a jauntily
self-assured mime "moonwalking" back-
ward toward her, getting nearer with every
step. A sprinkling of smiling spectators
are watching him from the museum steps.
When the mime reaches the woman, he
stops, pulls the cigarette out ofher mouth
and, pantomiming an I-told-you-about-
this-before lecture, throws it to the ground
with elaborate gestures of (listaste. The
spectators laugh and applaud, whereupon
the mime breaks into a huge grin and
cakes a lengthy bow. The woman draws a
large handgun from deep within her purse
and shoots the mime dead.
II. A mime standing in front of a con-
struction site stumbles upon a startlingly
original gambit: he gets directly behind
passersby and copies their every gesture
and movement, to comic effect. At lunch-
cime some of the construction workers
head across the street for sandwiches and
coffee, and the mime seizes upon this op-
portunity to mirror them. Later that after-
noon a power tool, previously unseen by
the mime, jumps to fiery life and cleaves
the little performer in two.
Hl. A harried businessman, clearly late
for an appointment, hurries down a street
in midtown. A mime who has been imi-
tating him for halla block grabs the mans
briefcase and, walking along briskly beside
him, opens it. He then starts to pull items
out of it and make ioopy, exaggerated ex-
pressions. The businessman runs 50 feet
directly ahead and removes the cover of a
manhole at the crossing. The business-
man grabs his briefcase just as the mime
plunges to his death.
lv. A youtg woman watches a mime
whose repertoire consists entirely of ap-
proaching people in the crowd, pulling
imaginary objects out oftheir ears, enact-
Ing an elaborate series of vague and in-
comprehensible gestures and then pan-
tomiming VoiI2i! She stays after the crowd
disperses and asks the mime politely what
on earth he has been doing; his only re-
sponse is to pull an imaginary object out
of her ear, enact an elaborate series of
vague and incomprehensible gestures and
then pantomime Voihi!The young woman
asks again about the meaning of his per-
formance; the mime goes into his routine
once more, this time pulling the object
out of his own ear. The woman starts to
sob. The mime talks, telling her not to
worry, that she must learn to trust the si-
lences, that what makes us sad is often
what makes us happy, and that that is the
magic of mime. But he uses the French
pronunciation, mee,n. Just then a piano
jlummets from the sky and crushes his
fragile skull. Henry A/ford

SPY SALUTES THE STARS OF

¶©LcFfl TOMORROW TODAY

/
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PITR MILTON
$693030

SPY: What is your greatest strength as a

perfor7ner?

Peter Melton, Star of Tomorrow: My incred-

ible eyes. They pop. Sometimes 111 be sing-
ing an aria and they'll pop without my
. . Yeah, he dime me wrong, but I got over it. . . I had it bad. but im bette,- now. .
. . . wanting them to. )

FEBRUARY 1990 SPY 37

 - o.
1 ((1q7( (
/1
(I
'j/ 1/? all know that the American
character is blissfully ethnocentric. Con-
sider the willingness of Hollywood stars
to do things for money in such out-of-the-
way places asJapan that they would never
deign to do here in the Stateslike make
commercial endorsements. High-integrity
artists such as George Lucas and Mickey
Rourke, for example, happily advertise
merchandise in Japan (Lucas, Panasonic
electronics; Rourke, Suntory Reserve whis-
key). An even cheesier career move, how-
ever is to act. More and more, fading
Holtywood stars, like aging baseball
players who prolong their careers by
playing in the less demandingJapa-
nese leagues, are finding work
in second- and third-rate "
J apanese films.
Among those who have
journeyed east are the late Vic
Morrow, Troy Donahue and " a black man who shouts, "Japa-
Peter Fonda. Morrow was paid $40,000 nese-lover!" (there being few sights more
(plus, as in nearly all deals discussed here,
very generous expenses) to star in the
1978 Star Wars knockoff Uchu Kara No
Messeji (Message from Space). Donahue
earned $47,000 for his role in the 1987
feature Hyoryii Kyoshitsu (The Drifting
Classroom), in which he plays a teacher
who is transported, along with his stu-
dents, to a future world ofsand dunes and
what appear to be seven-foot-tall cock-
roaches. Fonda, always the least blessed of
his acting family, starred in the 1983
movie Da:jobii. Mai Fureendo (All Right,
My Friend) as an extraterrestrial, Gonzy
Traumerai, a creature who can destroy a
spacecraft by masturbating on it. Gonay
can do this, he explains in the film, be.
cause his ejaculate moves at speeds that
can blow the head off any earthwoman
with whom he has sex. In the climactic
scene, power.mad earthlings have cap-
tured Gonzywhose superhuman strength
they have temporarily sapped by exposing
him to tomatoesand are eager to clone
him in order to create a master race. Gon-
zys captors grant him a last request. He
opts for a self-administered handjob, the
havoc-wreaki ng consequences of which
allow him and his confederates to escape.
Fonda was paid $315,000 for his work,
38 SPY FEBRUARY 1990
Co EAST, OLD ACTORS
The Rising Sun Welcomes Falling Stars
but his star-powered onanism did not
prove much oía draw, and the film earned
only $1.3 million.
Realizing a much better return on his
investment was Haruki Kadokawa, the
producer of films based on best-selling
novels published by a book company he
inherited from his father. In 1977 Kado-
kawa paid George Kennedy $40,000 to
star as a New York City police detective in
Ningen No Shomei (Proofofihe Man). In the
film, Kennedy teams up with ajapanese
detective who, it turns out, is the son of
í
a man who a quarter of a century be-
fore was beaten to death and then un-
nated upon by American soldiers in
occupied Japan, one of whom
-- get this was Kennedy. As
f
though this weren't
,
z -
enough, Kennedy ends up
getting stabbed to death by
F,
inflammatory to a resident of Harlem, of
course, than a white and an Asian work-
ing together to solve a murder case). The
success of Ningen No Sbo,nei with $17.3
million in earnings, it still ranks as one of
the 20 biggest Japanese-made money-
makers ever is variously attributed to
the desire ofJapanese filmgocrs to see
Academy Award winner Ken-
nedy (actually, his double) un-
nate on one of their coun- . ,.
trymen to Academy Award ' from showing full frontal
winner Broderick Craw-
ford's carneo as Kennedy's
J ap-hating superior; and to a saturation
ad campaign that featured the English
sentence "Kiss me, Mammy'
Kadokawa hired Kennedy again, in
1980, to appear in Fiikkatu,i No Hi(Viniis),
a box office smash that held the record
until 1988 as the country's most expen-
sive production ($l88 million) and is still
generally regarded as the most "star"-
studded, with performances by Chuck
Connors, Robert Vaughn, Bo Svenson,
Glenn Ford, Olivia Hussey and Henry
Silva. (But Kadokawa is no prisoner of
the star mentality; in 1979 he gave the
relatively unknown EdwardJames Olmos
about $20,000 and an equally generous
33rd-place billing in Hakuchii No Shikakii
(Showdown in Broad Daylight), in which
the subsequently Emmy-winning and
Oscar-nominated Olmos got to play the
money-hungry secretary of a Salvadoran
diplomat.) Though Fiikkatsii No Hi shows
Earth being devastated by both deadly
germs and nuclear weapons, the film
manages to impart a sense of hope with
Janis Ian's theme song, "Toujours Gai,
Mon Cher,' and the frequently repeated
line ofdialogue "Life is wonderful
Although that sentiment seems tailor-
made for delivery by the star of/ti a Won-
derf,iILije,JamesStewart was already busy
acting ¡n another 1980 production, Afin-
ka Monogatani (A Tale ofAfrica). Living in
Dr. Doolittle-ish harmony with a horde of
animals in Kenya, Stewart and his grand-
daughter are visited by an amnesiac pilot
who falls in love with the young woman
and eventually begins a new life with her.
This curiously Out ofAfricalike romance
is unfortunately interrupted by a surprise
visit from the pilot's long-forgotten fian-
cée, who shoots him in the back with a
tranquilizer gun. Stewart, grizzled and
manifestly ill at ease around his animal
costars, earned $275,000 for the film.
Somewhat incongruously, two down-on-
\ ..-
their-luck performers noted for
erotically daring films of the
1970s found employment in
\ an industry prohibited bylaw
nudity. Yoroppa Tokkyn
(Trans-Europe Express), a
'
loose remake ofRornan Holiday, features a
dispirited Maria Schneider not in the Aud-
rey Hepburn role ofthe runaway princess
but as a frienda Parisian friend, to be
sureofthe film's hero. Harry Reems (Deep
Throat, The Devil in Miss Jones) received
$55,000$12,000 more than Schneider
to star in the frothy ikenie No Onnatachi (Sac-
nificed Women) as Mr. Harry, a U.S. Depart-
ment ofDefense employee who, implausi-
bly, goes to Japan for a penis-enlarging
operation. Things did not work out; the
filmwasaboxouiicedisappointment,and
Reems complained that cultural hang-ups
about large penises kept him from meet-
ingJapanese women. James Bailey
 4.

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 .
ONLY THE Siicui IMPERFECT NEED fAa
A Scie:tijic Look (It the Deeply Self-Satisfied World o/Personal Ads TODAY I MET THE

n the early days of personal classified advertising, editors may have puzzled over npleasant things happen when you
whether to put the ads in the For Sale or tue Help Wanted section. In the last decade start placing personal ads.Just look at the
or so, though, personal ads have become a publishing institution. Which suggests that example ofEllen Barkin and Al Pacino in
there has been an explosion in the number ofself-described "witty' "smart' 'original,"

Fad;; To;:»;.
"creative" people who unfortunately don't have the time to be wittç smart, original or H
creative, at least in the personal ads they write. EOStIT. 51

The vast personal-ad landscape is like Lake Wobegon where all the women are Year company 1971
strong and the men good-looking. But the specific nature ofthe superiority varies from started

publication to publication. To simplify the process of finding a mate while checking Slogan or motto "The simple solution for selec
the movie listings, we fed 60 ads seeking men and 60 ads seeking women into a power- people"
ful computer and came up with the archetypal personal ad for each of three publica-
tions we intend to look at when we begin to feel "hungry for commitment.'* Ambience LITE.FM and cigarette sm
New York Magazine permeating a cramped one-to
SUCCESSFUL MD 35, handsome, fit, ATFRACTIVE, SMART PROFESSION-
gentle, likes theater and fine dining, seeks ALSWF, 43, loves life and the arts,
attractive, intelligent, caring woman for seeks divorced or widowed man, 45-55,
serious relationship. Photo, please. with a good sense of humor who enjoys
music. For mutual support through life's Cost o service
FUN-LOVING, SLIM, BRIGHT Female
daily struggles.
professional, 42. very pretty loves good What you get Two-month membership, dur
music, seeks warm Jewish man, 39-5 3, The Village Voice which you meet 4-12 eoi
monthly newsletter, Get Tog.i
with sense of humoi for a committed re- SWM businessman, 38, 5'lO' handsome, containing personals and resi
lationship. Photo. sincere, enjoys traveling. Seeks warm F, rant business cards
The New York Review of Books
25-35, for intimate encounters. Photo, Criterio for How compatible people are,
please. making o match well personalitics mix
HANDSOME PROFESSOR DWM, 47,
NYC area, warm, enjoys classical music SWF, 32, tall, attractive, bright and affec-
and ballet. I seek a bright, loving, very tionate. Seeks sincere, intelligent SM for -J
attractive woman, 35-45, for a sincere, growing & challenging relationship. Photo, Prior to the first l;vervt1siti
evolving relationship. please. Seth Roberts date what does
Each average Is batd on 20 randomly wkctrd ads. First. the conicrus of cich ad wrc rcducrd io five cJtcgorlcs: Mc. You. Age. Us (what e will
the client know
do togcihcr) nd Rcply (the cype of rcply dessced). Then the coi,ccnu of d,ce cicegorics wrrc oticd mio narfower subcatcgoric. Tbc Mc and You about the other
caIegotit. (or inscance. were euch sorted soto Résumé. Looks. Personality. Likes and Other. Then. wherever posssbk. che subcaiegot,es were div,dcd. person?

Ïor
The contents of Réumè were surccd inco Marital Status. Religion. Racc.job. Income. Smoking &aiu,. Educjcion and so on; Looks was divided into
Overall Auractivencss. Shapc. Hcight and soon; Peuonality was d,vided into lntclligcrne. Sense 01 Humor. Confidence. Piychiatrt Status. Treatment
ol Others. Energy Social Intelligence. Politics and Other. When che sorting was finished. the average number of items in each of she broadest
Company "Sixty percent love us, 20 pere
categories (Mt,. You, tic.) aa' determined. Then. she average nunslier of items in each suixategory (Rcsumé. etc.) was determined. Then. (or each success rote like us a lot, 10 percent could a
subcategoty the most popular aubsubcategorses were chosen. based os the average number ouirems per ad in the subcaregory. Por each outiw chosen leave us and 10 percent h
subsubcategories. the most frequent or the median item was determined Warning: Doing such cakulations in a cali may be embarrassing. -I US

Annual profits \\. (II);; t

' '
11h05 AIDS helped 's!No. "but we do ask"
G i. E N N C t. o s E L o o K -A L I K E S E E K S M i c u A E L D O U G LAS TYPE''
business?/Do
Lines from Actual New York Personal Ads We Never Answered you test for
sexually
"[I'm al Prince (I'm) compared ftc- "Cybill Shepherd "Female Robinson transmitted
Charles look-alike' quently with Liza look-alike seeks her
. . . Crusoe seeks her diseases?

-[I have al Rose-

Minnelli Addison' man Friday"
Who aie your I liete s not really a dating sers
anne Barr type of Jewish Ken look- . . .
Loni Anderson "U have] Billy Joel compeiftors? we compete with. Wcre not in cc
body' ing for Barbie'" look-alikelook- looks" petition. We do our own thinl
"(i'm a] Charles "Cerebral Italian ing for my Bun
Reynolds" "[I'm al Garry Shan-
Bronson look-alike" Tarzan seeks in-
. . .
dung clone" Keys to o Be enthusiastic, have an
tellectual Jane" rut Fields ¿s successful dot. mind, be expressive, dont t
"(I'm) supposedly a Popeyc looking for
cuter Donald Suther- "Goldilox seeks back" long-term
Olive" -.--- -
land type" BeardlessJewish - -

(rm a) Dustin "[I'm an] Arthur Foseds. "1 don't know, there are so many
Bear"
'Punch seeks Man
. . . Hoffman clone (only lier lookalike" suph.mism or de things. I mean, I guess therel
hattars ludy Sweet Potato seeks taller)" quirky phrase like, personal jokes, but not rei
"[I have] MTVs
Couch Potatd "(Im a] Female Mal- like, like a phrase"
i'm an aggressive, colm Forbes"
Mark Goodmans "(I'm a] Herman body-building Bette hatth.yaren't Live-in moms; an escort servit
looks" Munster look-alike" Midler" - Charles Kadoo Iv

40 SPY FEBRUARY 1990

 REISCREENED, INTUIIIVE[Y CORRECT, COMPATIBLE CONNECTION I'M GoING io MARRY

Sea of Love,or Caroline Aaron in Crimes rience for the sake ola story, we sent him the unattached public. Then we reined
and Misdemeanors. Not wishing to put around to some of Manhattan's proles- him in before any business resulted so
RICHARD l)-IAtT through a similar expe- sional ventas to sec what they had to offer that he could compile this guide.

'cc, People Resources. 119 West 57th Field's Exclusive Service, 41 Helena V.I.P.,400Modison Avenue Brunch Buddies for Goy Men & Godmothers, 25 Control Pork West
$tîeet East 42nd Strcct (at 47th Street) Women, 22 East 17th Street (at 63rd Street)
)()J() )L 1984 )_

We are remarkshIe single "Field is the old-fashioned "1' he Rolls-Royce ofher proles. "All you isave to pick up is the "What is success without
people matchmaker" sion and The bottom line is phone" romance?"
-
marriage"
okc Alibrary furnished by an early- Probably the same as it was Impeccably decorated oflice Dimly lit, prewar-looking sin- 'lèddy Roosevelt's Oyster Bay
orn eighties interior decorator 30 years ago tainted only by Orwellian por- gle room located at the end of living room if he were alive co
traits of proprietor Helena a labyrinthine hallway decorate it today
25-65 "Age is a number. Okay 20-70 18-68 28-55
18LOO"

(')O)U() 25,000 worldwide 2,000 men; L,200 women ()

abk" : $25-$250 $5,500 '

i. 'j

ring Access to self-selection process As many introductions as Personal profile; handwriting Four months' worth of call-ins Five introductions in one year;
pIe; of choosing a mate; museum you need until yo meet che analysis; interview by a psychol- that provide you with the num- four seminars (previous ones in-
tsker, tours; clothes-painting parties; right person ogist; unlimited introductions; bers ofat least three people each eluded Relationships' "Fitness
tau- wine-and-cheese gatherings; exclusive parties thrown on time you call; invitations to get- "New Tax Laws" and "Learning
videotape of self Helena's oflice terrace togethers at comedy clubs Languages Over the Phone")
L Self-selection: clients look "They tell mc what they Similar education, profession, "Mostly intuition"; physical Age, background, previous
through color-coded books want and I use my own religion traits and common interests marital status, religion, in-
lot their ideal companion common sense" taken into account terests, qualities they want in
(blue books for men, pink for .
the other person, similar looks
sumen) j
- -W--
Three pages ofautobiographi. All details Everything, basically First name, tekphonc nuinbrr Everything, but client can't sc-c-
cal text; three to five minutes' and a brief description a photograph first
rnirth of "lighthearted" video;
knowledge of the other's likes
and dislikes

t'cern get a lot ofwedding mvi- Peoplearegettingmarried More than 8,000 marriages "Thevastmajorityhavcmetorsc "A couple hundred weddings
take ¡nons'; 25 percentgrowth last all over" person they're interested in" but that is not our goal. Our
hate ar goal is for terrific People tO
meet one another"
Can'tgzve chat out l eat" "Ask my accountant" Not a t()rtulìc' Not for public knowledge
lbs; more people do not want YesINo; "1 don't run a Yes/Sort of; a doctor's clean bill Runs a special service for HIV- Yes/No; "These are adults,
acake a chance/Nt>; "We don't hospital" of health is required positives/No; "Wc take people hope they're responsible"
romorc sexual relationships" at their word"

rvice IHelena V.1,1',, One-to-One; ï i have no competitors. I am i have no competition "Buddies, in Connecticut, which '-I don't see us being in compe-
icom- don'tthink we have a competi- unique in this business, and is not really a competitor be- tition with anyone else"
inj" torsimilar to us" the public knows it" cause they charge a phenomenal
amount of money"
open CS a successful date?" "Let nature do the work" Communication Be open-minded, think of the Openness, relaxation; "Dont
talk first encounter as a meeting and so serious on the first date
not a date. meet (luring the day
inylit- markable single people" Marriageable commodities" "V.I.P. marriage material" "I'ake a deep breath" "We put you in the presence of
re are, someone wonderful in your
really precious free time"

rvice datin service A business A dating service A sex service or an escort service A psychic )

FEBRUARY 1990 SPY Il

. ik,Aed 'iy
ruth be told, the face-
less timeservers who
operate the levers at the
paper of record are
given to taking them-
selves mighty darn seri-
ously. And when they decant themselves
IflU) their workday worsteds and head
down to the paper's gray West 43rd Street
fortress each morning, they do so with the
comforting knowledge that their cowed
underlings are paid to take them mighty
darn seriously, too. History has demon-
strated that those willing to subject them-
selves to a lifetime of mortification and
the ranks.
How else to explain the careers ofArthur
"O'Neill" Gelb and his chief bum-kissee,
former executive editor Abe Rosenthal?
Times reporters and editors who are
simply unable or unwilling to spend much
of their day brownnosing their supposed
betters find themselves, regardless oftheir
talents, shunted offto do-nothing tasks on
the Metropolitan News desk, or writing
arts-coverage filler, or just stagnating in
the jobs they were ostensibly hired for.
There was, for instance, Albert Scardino,
a Pulitzer winner prior to joining the
Times and by most accounts charmin&
funny, clever, principled and talented
qualities, in other words, that set him
well apart from the people he was work-
ing for. Scardino unfortunately had a
fatal flaw, one that would forever doom
him in the eyes ofhis superiors: he recog-
nized many ofthem for the bland nincom-
P°OPS they are and was unable to mask
his contempt.
As a result, Scardino never quite fit in
at the paper, and for the last couple of
years of his four-year tenure his editors,
led by assistant managing editor John
Lee, encouraged his departure. Scardino
talked to the editors of Time, among other
potential employers, meanwhile turning
42 SPY FEBRUARY 1990
¡,tJ)ur I1aX Ak
out serviceable stories on the media for paign and twice with Dinkins's campaign
the Times. One such piece led to a telling manager, Franke! rushed into print a
and inadvertently funny Editors' Note memo on Scardinds actions, its facts
that served only to further sour Scardinds drawn almost entirely from what had ap-
relationship with his employers. In a story peared in the Post and the News
on the Janet MalcolmJoe McGinniss newspapers never known for the scrupu-
mess of last year, Scardino had included lousness oftheir reporting. (Linda Green-
the following sentence: "Given [most re- house, the Times's Supreme Court reporte
porters') financial and social status, few of had marched in the huge spring pro.
them would ever be invited to participate abortion rally in Washington, news ol
in the councils ofgovernment or big busi- which also reached Franke! last year.
ness; but because they operate the spot- Max was properly furious with Green-
lights, they are invited to the big events.' house but refrained from issuing one of
Precisely the sort ofspirited, insightful his trademark memorandums.) When
prose one would expect from a newspaper Scardino went to Franke! to complain
with plans of becoming a feature-driven about the memo, Franke!, rather than re-
national daily, as executive editor Max scinding the missive, simply told him to
Frankel explained to staifmembers in two post one of his own, which the reporter
endless meetings last year. (When, at one did. Franke! ignored the self-defense
ofthese meetings, Ari Goldman, a religion when he helped compose the ensuing Edi-
reporter, asked how the Times was going tors' Note, which ended, "Let there be no
to handle actual news, Frankel grew sul- doubt, however, that such a clear viola-
len and silent and drifted off to a corner tion of our policy would have provoked
ofthe room while one ofhis depu- disciplinary action (had Scardino
ties fielded the question.) Two Albert Scordino stayed around to be punished]" So
days after Scardinds Malcolm- recognized angry was Scardino that he con-
McGinniss piece appeared, a fided to friends his intention to
many of his
bloodless Max-ordered Editors' sue the Times and its joyless, self-
Note was published, disavowing superiors for
serious, timeserving editors for
the aforementioned passage. «Such the bland libel. He then thought better of it
generalizations' the note said, and settled into the job of being
"were not supported by any data. nincompoops the mouthpiece for his new em-
They should have been attributed they ore and ployer, the joyless, self-serious,
to those who espouse them, or unable to timeserving mayor of New York,
omitted' David Dinkins.
The note is fairly typical of mask his
And finally, an Editors' Note
Frankel's behavior these days, for contempt of our own: Marty Arnold is not
he has increasingly taken to cas- cultural-affairs editor but rather
tigating his reporters through Editors' media editor; Joyce Purnick is not her
Notes or, occasionally, damning memos husband Max's subordinate, since she is
about them that he orders posted on the on the editorial page, a section of the
newsroom bulletin board. When the New paper that the executive editor does not
York Posi and the Daily News ran stories technically control; and Bernard Gwertz-
that had Scardino (while still working at man was diplomatic correspondent, not
the Times) conferring once with David White House correspondent.
Dinkins during last year's mayoral cam- jj Hunsecker
 !
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ForgilideliveryotLaGrande Passionanywhere, caL 18OOCHEER-UP exceptwhereprohtbted by law). Productof France. 48proof. 1988CariUon Imporiers, Ltd.. Tearieck. N.J.
 I-w
SHOULD
AMERICA'S

SMARTEST

BUSINESSMAN

BE PUNISHED

IN THE 1990'S

FOR THE FUN

'I'

WE ALL HAD

IN THE 1980'S?

se
SEPTEMBER 1991. SITTING AT A PICNIC TABLE NEXTTO THE TOPIARY HEDGES THAT SPELL OUT

"ALLENWOOD; MICHAEL MILKEN IS ABSORBED IN WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEO-

PLE. HE SMILES INWARDLY AS THE LATE-AFTERNOON SUN GLINTS OFF HIS SHINY SCALP. SIX

MONTHS INTO HIS SEVEN-YEAR PRISON TERM, MILKEN IS RELIEVED THAT HE NO LONGER HAS

TO WEAR HIS SIGNATURE BLACK TOUPEE. IT WASN'T HONEST, IT WASN'T GENUINE, IT WASN'T

THE REAL MIKE.FTHE FORMER HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADER WHO USED TO BE AT HIS

TRADING DESK IN BEVERLY HILLS EVERY DAY BY 4:30 AM. HAS TAKEN TO THE LAZIER

RHYTHMS OF PRISON LIFE. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE HAS BEEN IDLE. HE PUT TOGETHER

A FINANCIAL PLAN FOR THE PRISON COOKS TO LAUNCH A LOCAL CATERING BUSINESS. HE

EVEN ADVISED THE WARDEN AND OTHER SENIOR STAFF ON ISSUING HIGH-YIELD BONDS IN

ORDER TO TAKE THE PRISON PRIVATE. BUT THE BUREAUCRATS IN WASHINGTON BALKED AT

THE DEAL,ALL IS SERENE WITHIN ALLENWOOD. THE ECONOMIC PICTURE OUTSIDE THE

PRISON. HOWEVER, IS MANIC, ANGUISHED, DEEPLY UNSETTLING. AMERICA IS IN A SEVERE

RECESSION. INFLATION HOVERS IN THE TEENS. MILKEN'S OLD FIRM, DREXEL BURNHAM LAM-

BERT. HAS GONE UNDER. HUNDREDS OF COMPANIES FINANCED WITH JUNK BONDS DURING

THE LATE 1980'S-DURACELL, ORION PICTURES--ARE DEFAULTING ON THEIR DEBT, AND

DOZENS OF OTHERS HAVE PUT THEMSELVES UP FORSALE. FEW AMERICAN COMPANIES CAN

.
ISETHEMONEY'JiPïhlI*EFLOUNDERIP : I ( S.k.I.ljJ1NESEARESCOOP-
l P ONE AFTERv1.)l:I1:aoR WHAT TO ..
1uI:(Ii.EATRICE FOODS
11W REPORTS TO (.14'1['(S IN TOKYO, A ' s

NEWS CORPORATION. SPEAKING OF PEANUTS, RJR NABISCO- UNABLE TO MEET ITS $3.4 BIL-

LION IN ANNUAL DEBT SERVICE-HAS FILED FOR CHAPTER 11 BANKRUPTCY. BELEAGUERED

LBO KING HENRY KRAVIS IS LOBBYING IN WASHINGTON FOR SPECIAL PROTECTION THE NA-

TIONAL COMMERCIAL HERITAGE SALVATION ACT THAT WOULD ENABLE RJR, WHICH HE

TOOK PRIVATE IN 1988, TO SPIN OFF PLANTERS, RITZ CRACKERS AND OREO COOKIES AS QUASI.

INDEPENDENT, NONTAXPAYING ENTITIES. MILKEN REFUSES TO GLANCE AT A NEWSPAPER. IF

HE DID, HE WOULD READ ABOUT THE HUGE DEMONSTRATION THAT TOOK PLACE ON WALL

STREET LAST WEEK. LED BY KRAVIS, JESSE JACKSON AND FRANCES HUMPHREYS, HEAD OF THE

GRAY PANTHERS, THE THRONG, AT LEAST OO,OOO PEOPLE, MARCHED UP LOWER BROADWAY

SHOUTING, "FREE MIKE MILKEN! FREE MIKE MILKEN!'j-JACKSON, A LONGTIME MILKEN

DEFENDER, SAID THAT WITHOUT MILKEN, FLEDGLING BLACK BUSINESSES COULD NO LONGER

GET LOANS. HE LED A CHANT OF "HE WAS THE KING OF JUNK THE REST IS BUNKNOW LET

MIKE GOWE NEED THE DOUGH." TEARS WELLING UP IN HER EYES. HUMPHREYS EXPLAINED

THAT AMERICA'S PENSION FUNDS OWN A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF ALL STOCKS AND BONDS.

"ELDERLY AMERICANS WILL STARVE WITHOUT MIKE:' SHE TOLD THE CROWD. KRAVIS, SPORT-

ING AN "I LIKE MIKE" BUTTON, TOLD REPORTERS, "LOOK, MIKE GOT US INTO THIS MESS -AND

A LOT OF US THINK HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET US OUT OF IT."
 boilerplate about Mike Milken, the
ts mentioned up high in every feature
boyish junk-bond wizard of Beverly
ing financier ofthe postwar era. Trans-
national economy. Restructu red cor-
rica. In less than a decade, opened up
ilion to small and smallish companies.
e wave of takeovers and leveraged buy-
me to embody the go-go eighties. Cre-
caste of bumptious, preening billion-
Steinberg, Ronald Perelman, Henry
rl Icahn. Financial genius. Economic
ears a rug.
particulars are all true. But what did
n really do that was so himiny-jiminy
? The answer is very simple, really, and
:plained in two words. Two words that
ns dream about. Two words that would
one's life: free PilOfley. Mike Milken cre-
Dney. Money that came out of nowhere.
. grew on junk bond trees. Money that
ing money to companies that did not need it and
depriving those that did, much the way commer-
cial banks dole out money to individuals. Big
money was available only to a group ofabout 800
blue-chip companies, those that were highly rated
by such services as Moody's and Standard & Poor's.
of course, those companies tended to have ample
cash on hand - otherwise they would not have been
blue-chip in the first
place.
Other companies, T
and the bonds they is-
sued, were considered Pity the small-time entre-
too risky, too small, too preneur who latches on to
grubby. Heck, some of the spirit ofthe age late in the
the owners ofthose corn- game, for it is a law of eco-
panies didn't even wear nomics as ironclad as the
neckties to work. Mil- relationship between supply
ken saw that there were and demand: The little guy
2 3,000 American com- wont catch Ofl tO a trend un-
panies with sales over tu the big guys have pretty

it of your cash machine but didn't de. $25 million that didn't much tapped it out. By now
balance for years. Like the Holy Grail, have good access to Milkenandthebigguyshave
ri of youth and a diet cola without an capital, and that they conglomeratizcd NBC and
aftertaste, free money has been the enduring quest needed to raise money to General Electric, Nabisco
ofmankind since Midas. grow. Unlike the blue- Brands and R. J. Reynolds
Milken created free money out ola single trans- chip corporations, these Industries, Time Inc. and
forming ideaan idea that first occurred to this modest-size companies Warner Communications,
son of an accountant in the mid. 1960s, while he had to borrow money Sony and Columbia Pictures
was an undergraduate at the University of Califor- from banks or insurance Industries and nearly every-
nia in Berkeley. Mike Milken's epiphany was that companies, or worse. thing else worth owning.
debt was not bad but good, and that it was more The bonds issued by Only odds and ends are left.
dangerous for a corporation not to have it than to these companies were But for many oftoday's hope-
have it. To that end, Milken was personally respon- considered below invest- ful entrepreneurs, such scraps
sible for issuing $100 billion of debt during the ment-grade, and in order are the stuff of
1980s. He discerned that there was a fate worse for these firms to find dreams. W&d
than debtand that was to be a plump, compIa- buyers, the rate ofreturn like to introduce
cent, cash-rich company, and therefore a tempting had to be much higher you to some of
target for a takeover. than that for traditional their businesses,
That was the meganotion, but lets backtrack a corporate bonds. True, enterprises whose
bit. Although he was voted "Friendliest" at Birm- such bonds did default inspiration re-
ingham High School in Van Nuys, Mike didn't do at a slightly higher rate sides deep in the
much socializing at the Wharton School of the than investment.grade spiritofsynergy
University ofPennsylvania in the late 1960s. In the issues of the General
Wharton library, like a medieval monk copying Motorses and the Du Ponts, but the higher
Scripture, he made his way through two abstruse yields - as much as 50 percent higher more than
tomes, W. Braddock Hickman's Corporate Bond made up for the risk. Milken was to traditional
Q tiality and investor Experience and T R. Atkinson's finance in the early 1980s what Max Planck was to
later work on the same subject. These books physics at the turn ofthe century: he revealed that
shaped Milken's guiding belief behind what be- all the prevailing assumpons were dead wrong.
came a $200 billion market: that for an institu- Milken, at least when he first started at Drexel
tional investor, a large, diversified portfolio of low- in the 1970s, was raising money for small compa-
grade, high-yield corporate bondssoon to be nies that couldn't otherwise get the capital to ex-
known pejoratively, and then affectionately, as pand. That's whyjessejackson (whose son worked
jink the rewards outweighed the risks. for Drexel in Beverly Hills last summer) and other
While not a new idea in theory, it proved to be black leaders are still bullish on Milken. And for
a revolutionary one in practice. Until Milken acted Jewish financiers, long excluded from white-shoe
on this principle at Drexel Burnham, financial in- Wall Street banking houses and corporations, junk
stitutions were essentially in the business of lend- bonds were the asset-seeking missiles offinance, al-

46 SPY FEBRUARY 1990

lowing them to capture or plausibly threaten to
capture che boardroom. Before Milken. companies
needed a top rating, billions in assets and contacts
at che country club to get serious loans. In the
l980s all anyone needed was ambition and Mike
Milkcn. To the financial Old Guard, Milken was a
dangerous, well-armed corporate revolutionary,
the wild-eyed renegade in the halls of capitalism,
agai nst takeovers, fi nancing recapitalizations and
leveraged buyouts. The climate was perfectan
accelerating economy, higher corporate carni ngs,
undervalued stocks, a sunny, cando business
booster in the White House. American business
was junk coming and going, and Mike was behind
it all.
With Mike on your side, you could buy basically

19üiYLE
Introducing Your Neighborhood CongIomerateia

Synergistic Enterprise: Just
Around the Corner, 403
West 12th Street
Synergzed Products: Gour
met coffee and handmade
dolls
Spo kesperson:Junior. a clerk
Reason for Merger: "First it
was dolls. The store wasnt
doing well. The owners son
Is working in a coffee place
that closed in the Village, so
he came here to help oLlt:
How ItSeems to Be Working;
Hard to say. For coffee, 99
percent ofche customers are
white kids from the neigh.
borhood; the rest, I don't
know where they get their
coffee. For dolls, it's mostly
elderly people buying for
their granddaughters. Some-
. .1 i : ' i
times when I'm sitting out
front I hear people say, 'What
a combination! Coffee and
dolls!"
Synergistic Enterprise: Kim's
Cleaners and Video Rentals,
99 Avenue A
Synergized Services: Dry
cleaning and video rental
Spokesperson: Mr. Kim, the
owner
Reason for Merger: "I re-
searched the market. 'Within
14 blocks there was no video
rental store, and the only dry
lord was laughing. But it
works. This building used to
be low-rent. Now it's as high
as the West Village. Soon I'm
movingthevideo
rental next door. I
nEO
may put in tuxedo
i:ALs
rental and formal-
wear rental with
I the dry cleaning'
rISynergistic Enter-
prise: G. Schoep-
ferinc., 138 West
_: 31st Street
Synergized Ser-
vicejProduct: Stuffed-animal
rental and glass eyes
Spokespe.son:Jim &hoepfei
the owner
Reoson forMerger 'The eyes
came first. My grandfather
was idle rich. His hobby was
taxidermy. . . He had trouble
. & Curry House, 60 Second
finding eyes [for the animals
he was stuffing), so
he went to Germany,
glass eyes
in Amer-
ica. . . . The
first rental
came when
someone
from War-
ncr Bros.
called [to
rent] an
animal from my father's col- Synergized Products: Mcxi-
lection, and that's how that can and Indian food
side of the business got Spokesperson: Labu Miah,
started" the owner
How ItSeems to Be Working: Reason for Merger: 'I'll tell
Well. Some rather famous you the truth: I used to be
artists, whom I'll decline to Indian only. Now I make a
mention, use our animals for combination, and that's how
paintings hut give the im- I'm known
pression they've done them HowitSeems to Be Working:
in naturc' Pcople like it. The boyfriend
comes with his girlfriend
Synergistic Enterprise: Chili and the boyfriend says, 'I
want to try Mexican, and
Avenue thegirlfriend says, '1 want to
. try Indian.' At
theendofthe
s

.
cleaner's on Avenue A was at where they made week I think,
14th Street:' glass eyes, and 1/the Mexican
1 i -
How ItSocmsto Be Working: brought back whole - goeijírst. I'll jail
Well. At first even my land. families to make : keep ui:/,
Potoi,.phi bi,ii..Isue*t . -..---.

the toupeed barbarian at the gates.
In 1982, when Milkcn financed his first lever-
aged buyout with unk bonds, the junk bond mar-
kec was hardly more than $1 billion; within seven
years it would be approaching $200 billion. The
leveraged buyouts and hostile takeovers ofthe mid-
todate 1980s changed corporate America and led
to Milken's triumph, and his undoing.
Economic law had always dictated that only a
big fish could swallow a small one. Junk bonds
changed all that. With junk, tiny companies could
buy huge ones.
J unk ruled. Raiders used junk to attack corpora-
tions and then sell off the pieces. Entrenched cor-
porate managers used junk to defend themselves
anything. In 1986 Avery Inc. (assets: $23 million)
used junk financing to buy Uniroyals chemical
business (cost: $760 million). That same year Lori-
mar bought seven TV stations for $1.85 billion,
nearly all ofit financed through a junk bond offer-
ing arranged by Drexel. In 1978 Steve Wynn's
Golden Nugget casino in Las Vegas had pretax
profits ofonly $7.7 million, but Steve knew Mike:
from 1979 to 1981 MikewasabletoarrangeSlóO-
,,,ihion in junk bond financing for the Golden Nug-
get to expand to Atlantic City. Last fall Drexel
floated another $620 million in junk that enabled
Wynn to open the Mirage, one ofthc largest hotel-
casinos in Las Vegas. In his 1988 deal for RJR
Nabisco. Henry Kravis put down $15 million of

FEBRUARY 1990 SPY 47

 his own money to huy thc company for S25 billion.
One-fifteenth of I perctnt /ìze,ì. Fancy that $250,000
apartment? Well, all you have to do to buy it is pt
down $150. Never was so much money available to
so many for SO little.
In the junk bond market, Milken satisfied the
J eSUit'S definition ofGod: he was omnipotent and
omniscient. Milken was researcher, buyer, seller
ican corporations, includi ng old-fashioned stickin.
the-mud companies that borrow nary a dime. Interest
ayments on that debt are absorbing a fifth of all
corporate cash flow. Werent the cightics wonderful?
As the junk bond market grew exponentially,
effectively doubling in size each year for most of
the eighties, Milken became obsessed by market
share. He wanted all of it, and he pretty much got

the Mexkm: i/its

Indian, i think I
uìoit/dgo op/y with
that.But all my
customers say
they like both.
They say no to
;/'_
changing.
Synergstic Enter-
prise: S. Check
Cashing Corporation, 765
Sixth Avenue
Synergized Services: Check
cashil)g and jewelry repair
Spokespeople: Mtrious clerks
Merger Woman
behind jewelry counter: Talk
to one of the men at the
check-cashing window"
First man at window:
"Dont talk to me. Fm off
duty Talk to him'
Second man: Dont talk
to me. [Pointing to first nian)
Talk to him. Hes the boss.
I cant talk to you. I just
started hcre. I dont know
nothing about it. Quick,
there he goes As it turns
out, the enterprises are not
owned by the same person
but just inhabit the same
spot on spaceship Earth.
How ItSeems to BeWoriting:
First man, an hour later: "J
spoke to the owner. He
doesnt want to answer any
questions. He doesnt want
anything. Hes in Floridar
:=i.
Synergistic Enterprise: Des-
sert and Games, 221 East
23rd Street
Synergized Products: Des-
setta and games
Spokesperson: Irwin Rsth-
leder, the owner
Reason forMerger The idea
came from a friend of mine
who had a game club with a
bar, hut the two didn't mix:
the drinkers didnt play;
the players didnt drink.
But everybody had coffee.
The grand concept here is
to he the ultimate form of
entertai nment"
How It Seems to Be Working:
Too soon to tell. 1m hoping
it will catch on like the new
billiard halls, where people
play and socialize.
Synergistic Enterprise:
Rhythm HouSe, 35 East 29th
Street
Synergized Products: Appli-
ancesand Indian, Pakistani
and \Vest Indian records
Spokesperson: Ashok Gup.
ra, the owner
Reoson for Merger: First we
had demand for Indian
records, so we sold Indian
records. Then demand for In-
dian records got slow. Then
we had a demand for appli-
ances, sb we sold appliances
How itSeems to Be Working:
Not well. They have dropped
the r record department.
i Reason for Merger Every.
Wherever you can find the
bread and butter, then you
make the switch, like an engi-
neer becoming a cabdriver
Synergistic Enterprise: Madi-
son Mens Shop, 26 Eleventh
Avenue. at 15th Street
Synergized ProductslSesvics
Army-Navy clothing, uni-
forms, cigarettes, candy and
notary public
Spokesperson: Melvin Madi-
son, the owner
thing today is specialid.
Fm general. 1l its raining, I
got raincoats. ¡lits winte I
got boots a nd gloves.We add-
ed cutlery when the de-
mand was for knives. ladded
the notary license in 1945.
Why? It shows your good
character. That youve never
been to jail. Lets say I was
disappointed I didnt go to
school. This is my degree.
Not long ago, we had co

and owner. He raised $730 million for Ronald
Perelman in a blind takeover pool to buy Revlon.
In order to reduce the debt incurred in the deal,
Perelman wanted to sell offthe company's unglam-
orous Technicon medical-instrument division for
$300 million. Milken turned around and raised
the $300 million in junk bonds so another Drexel
client, Parker Montgomery, COuld buy Technicon.
And all the while Milkcn and his associates owned
a piece of Revlon. The circle was complete.
According to the Federal Reserve, the ratio of
corporate debt to net worth in America rose by 56
percent during the five wonder years from 1982 to
1987an enormous, remarkably rapid increase
when you consider that it is an average for all Amer-
it. As many ofhis followers would say, Mike was the
market. Milkens famous X-shaped desk actually
marked the center of a vast and complex world
that only he understood. In Milken's game plan,
everyone had to be able to play everyone else's posi-
tiofl. His pal the corporate raider had to buy his
al the chief financial officer's refinancing bonds.
And his pal the pension plan manager had to buy
the corporate raider's securities. Saul had to buy
Henry's paper. Ron had to buy Saul's. The implicit
message was, We've all got to hang together or we will
all bang separately. Milken had a special network of
buyers that would take whatever he was offering
that tlay. It was as ifhe were printing his own cur-
rency. In Mike We Trust.

V. SPY FIIU :('

 And they relied o him because he never let thought Lily Cup would fetch $1 billion. but it sold
them down. He pulled in all his chits to make sure for around $700 million. And it seems that halirhe
a company did not default. He would have Drexel department stores in America arc for sale.
structure the tiebt and get his cabal of buyers to In the 1980s junk bonds accounted for more
pick up the tab. They did it because Mike had than two-thirds of the $30 billion in corporate
made them rich and they knew chat if God forbid, bond ISSUeS that defaulted. But 1989 was by far the
they were ever in the same situation, Mike would worst year everat least $5.6 billion in junk bond
reScue them too. He kept the whole game going. defaults. Resorts International could not meet in-
In any junk bond deal, terest payments on its S925 million in junk (lebt.
¡f. Milken could not sell Many oflast year's other problem junk bonds were ,%.1I I I,
the last S50 million, he issued by Milken: SCI Television, Simplicity 1-bld-
MILKEN CREATED
would buy it himself. ings and Southmark, which filed for bankruptcy-
Anything to make the court protection. FREE MONEY.
deal go throygh. Yes, he But Milken is history. His own fiefdom, the Bey-
had created a house of erly 1-bills office ofDrexel, fired 40 outs junk bond MONEY TRAT
cards, but it was a fan- specialists just before the end of the year. And the AM[ OUT OF
tastic house, and he kept unraveling is about to get worse. As Milken and
it from falling. Drexel came to dominate the junk bond market, NOERE.
other firms started making even nuttier deals in MONEY TEAT
Buttheworld that Mike order to compete. Investment banks were offering
created began its slow- GREW ON thNK
Str'lction workers coming in more money with fewer strings attached, no in.
an(I saying, You should get motion collapse in Sep- terest payments for years to comeeven frrer BONO TREES
tuid hats. So you start in tember 1988 when the money. Investment banker Bruce "Bid 'Em Up"
with white, then they want SEC accused Drexel and Wasserstein was practically throwing in free
rrd,green.ydllow, blue. You Milken ola stardingar- toasters to sign up with him. Those deals were
list en to the demand, and if ray of securities viola- made in the 11)1(1. and late 1980s, and their balloon
it's big enough you go lull tiOnS. When Milken was payments will start coming due in 1991 and 1992.
spe vd ahead" indicted by a federal At last. a surefire name for the 1990s: the Default
Ho wttSeemstoBeWorking: grand jury last year on Decade.
Sot't ot hard to tell. in) here 98 counts of racketeer- During the last six months, Canadian entrepre-
5(1 ve-ars. . . When I moved
. ing and securities fraud, neur Robert Campeau has effectively lost control
in]here, our main source of the universe ofjunk had ot_ his huge retailing empire and lie is being
Inc orne was from seamen, lost its prime mover. forced to sell Bloomingdale's, the jewel be acquired
ba( k who New York was a Ttday new money isnt only a year and a half ago, because he could not
big port. This was a great Io- flowing into the market, make a mere $75 million junk-bond debt pay.
cat ion then. I got a lot of l)Ut junk-addicted corn- ment. Last fall Drexel was unable to raise the $75-
rkhere,andlmtdlling)%u, panics are still clamor- million for the buyout ofColorado Prime Corpora-
Its getting boring, all these ¡ng for it. Prices of tion. A lousy $75 nil/lion. lt's as if Donald Trump
pec pkcomingwantingtota1k high-yield bonds are de- suddenly couldn't come up with the money for his
tot ne. I really don't have the pressed. Buyers have Con Edison bill.
'irr le. I opened che gates for been demanding huge Last summer Integrated Resources, a Drexel cli-
I and now I regret ir. My premiums. As defaults ent with investments in real estate, was unable to
i
k hurts
'-.,
Sara Barrett have increased, the re-
turn on junk bonds has
raise enough money to cover its debt payments.
"Mike never would have allowed that to happeii' a
declined; it actually went into negative numbers mutual-fund manager said. Mike never would have
last summer. Drexel, its own portfolio of junk allowed that to happen. That is what Wall Street is
sinking in value by the week, can't even afford to mumbling over and over to itself. Mike ìez'ev tvoii/d
pay Milken che $100 million it owes him for his have allowed that to happen. Mike - ever lielpfil,
1988 bonus. ever hopefulwas an expert at exchanging junk
During the junk Irenzy. there was always an out bonds on the verge of defisult for new bonds. He
for overextended companies: ildebt payments got was the only one wich the power co get borrower
too rough, you could just sell some expendable and lender, seller and buyer, to accept restructuring.
piece of the company. But now even brand-name He would refinance, trading shares ofstock for an-
subsidiaries up for sale are fetching lower prices, other issue ofhigh-yield bonds, trading earlier debt
or no price at all. Harcourt Bracejovanovich was for later debt, putting offthe inevitable for just a
hoping to sell Sea World late last year for $1.5 bil- little while longerusing Visa ro pay the Master-
lion. Instead itgot a little over $1 billion. The own- Card bill. As long as the debts were, for the moment,
ers of Ethan Allen were expecting co get $600 in il- covered, why couldn't the inevitable be POStPoned
lion for the company an(l got $350 million. Some forever ? Mike never won/ti have allo ¿vedibat to happen.

FEBRuARY 1990 SPY 49

 Mi1kens fall has made it open season on the Ciii laxes and miracaloiisly the government will rake
junk bond market. ¡mot for Mi1kens indictment, in more tax revenue. Mike: Give companies much more
the Bush administration wouldn't have proposed money than they're worth andmirac#lo#sly they will be-
last summer to limit the tax-deductibility of in. caine leaner and better rim.
terest on bonds used in leveraged buyouts. But J unk bonds were the perfect symbol of what
another anti.Milken law has hurt the junk bond Reagan cheerleader/Bush scold Richard Darman
market even more: When Congress bailed out the calls Now-Nowism. But Now-Nowism was noth-
savings and loan associations last year, it man- ing new. When were Americans not concerned
dated that these institutions had to liquidate their
holdings in junk bonds within five years. S&Ls
were then holding $14 billion in junk bond debt,
about 7 percent of all outstanding junk bonds. In 1988, after spending
--
that each ofour figures lack
Since then the S&Ls have been trying to unload more than a decade buy- five zenoes on the right. Her
junk bonds as ifthey were leftover bell-bottoms. In ¡ng, encumbering withdebt, areJRJ's vital statistics:
the second quarter of last year alone, the S&Ls sold breaking up and sometimes JUTAI CURRENT ASSETS . $5952
oufalmost $2 billion oftheir junk. selling 35 large corpora- FIXED .SSETS ........... $54,59
Nor is it just S&Ls hightailing it out of junk. rions at a toral cost of $62- lUTAI UJIER ASSETS ..... $222,B5
I nstitutional i nvestors, pension funds, insurance billion, Henry Kravis and 1OTA ASSETS .......... $336,96
companies all those sober, stalwart trustees of his partners purchased RJR CURRENT UABIIiTIES ..... $7422
American wealth who lost their heads around Nabisco for $25 billion. LCNGTERM IIAUftITIES. . . $181441

1986 and joined Milken's partyare now selling Wall Street immediately de- JUTAI UABIIITIES .......
off junk bond holdings as feverishly as they were dared the RJR takeover bnl- NET I1ORTH ............ $81,30
only very recently buying them. Small investors liant. With a mere $15 mil- ¡UIAE LIABftIIIES+EIIUITY. $336,36
have stopped putting cash into junk-bond mutual lion ofthein own capital (less As you can see,JRfs liabili
funds. People with their money in pension funds than one-fifteenth of i per- ties loom extremely large
are telling the managers they dont want their cent ofthe total price), Kra- Feigning apprehension abou
money ¡n risky, high-yield bonds. Milkens great vis and his partners had cap- the companys futur; w
selling point to the pension funds was his assertion tuned a company with a cash sought some advice from i
tbtt there would be few defaults; he was manic flow larger than the gross bona fide counseling servio
about trying to live up to this promise, and when national product of Mozam- run by the U.S. Small Busi
he was free to do so he hustled to make sure that bique. Never mind that the ness Mministration. At thei
dthults were rare. process of acquiring the office at 26 Federal Plaza ii
J unk deals always had a caveat: Payments will tobacco-and-junk-food con- New York, we met Hanoi
lie ?nel, interest will be repaid, everything will be h:inky- gi omerate put the company Demarest, a successful ex
(I)) as long as the economy continues to grow. $25 billion in debt or that ecutive now retired.
This was the economic mantra, the binding clause, more than 2,500 RJR work- From what I can see here
the essential prerequisite to everything that would ers were purged in order to he hasgot bigproblems sau
come after. As long as the economy conihziies to grow. help finance this debt. Kra- Mr Demarest, looking dowi
Every economic scenario involving junk bonds vis, the mosthighly leveraged at the balance sheet ani
was dependent on Panglossy American optimism. businessman in America, shaking his head gravelj
As long as the economy continues to grow. B u t no one was also celebrated as one That debt is more than thre
really knows what will happen to junk-financed of the smartest. times his net worth. Wha
businesses in a recession, since junk bonds barely But did he show any com- kind ofrates did he bonro
existed during the last one. Of course, it ¡s a mon sense? Suppose Kravis ar? He sounded pained.
1JNEAO TUBE chicken-and-egg speculation. The economy has wasnt dealing with incom- Well, from some sourcei
continued to grow in part because of overheated prehensible amounts of as high as 15 percent, abou
ABLE TU PLAY
junk deals. So what happens when the economy money. Suppose he was 6 points oven the prime rate
EVERYONE ELSES does not continue to grow? Only Mike knows, and spending on a less fabulous we responded, thinking o
be is no longer in charge. scale. What would people the $5 billion in junk bond
POSITION. SAL
think of a small-business that Kravis had used ti

AII TU BUY The 1980s were the decade ofReagan and Milkcn. man whose company was finance part ofthe RJR deal
Two super southern California guys. Two irrcsist- leveraged with proportional The counselors moud
HENRY'S PAPER.
ible salesmen. Two apostles of optimism. One debt? To find out, we con- tightened. 'What exactl
RUN RAB TO great head ofhair. Ronnie came to personify Amer- ducted an experiment. We were his plans?' he asked
ica, and Mike was born on the Fourth ofJuly. Both turned RJR Nabisco intoJRJ glancing back down at tl
BUY SAULS believed in the principle that more created more. Candies & Cookies, a fic- balance sheet. His tone be
Junk bonds were the perfect financial instrument tional small business recendy trayed mounting exaspera
of the eighties, high finance's answer to Reagns (hypothetically) purchased iion. i mean, how did he ex
supply-side economics, a beautiful illusion. Ron: by our beloved uncle Henry. pect to finance such a debt?
J RJ'S balance sheet is uncan- 'He figured the compan
o spy FEBRUARY 1990 nily similar to RJRS. except would somehow have a bij
 more wich the present than with either the past or thing anymoret People want to manage or conii/I,
the future? That's why the United States has always not work.
been the mostfun country on earth. No, the now- The governments 184-jage complaint against
now eighues were not an aberr.ttton but ratli-r the Milken and Drexel for violating securities laws is
state toward which the Country had been evolving probably the ifloSt comprehensive enforcement ac-
since the end of X4)r1cl '1ar I L. when America be- tion taken since those laws were passed in the
gan to lose the thrill of rnanuftcturing. 'X'ho but 1930s. His Federal trial is expected to begin next
old-ti mers a iI agi ng h i p pies wants to make a ny- month tfld last forever. Mike may have violated a
few stati.itcs, but what
did he do that was mor- rl u
MKF SIIR[YIIII'RE INCORPORATED
ally repugnant? Greed,
NEVER Will/I/I
enough cash flow co service tangibles?" he asked incredu- br waxed nostalgic for a few like charir; is a quali-
it: we answered. We knew lously, almost angrily. "It'd moments more before get- tative, not quantitative, HAVE ALLOWED
that in truth, Kravis planned better be a good name if you ting back to Uncle Henry value. If Ron Perelman
on selling off various pieces paid $200,000 for it, Tell and inquiring after his per- and I each give S ¡0,000 THAT TO HAP-
of RJR co service his debt, meis your uncle's experi- sonal finances, to the homeless, our PEN. THAT IS
buc somehow we just couldnt ence in sales?" We noted that they charitable contributions
come up with a convincing "No, he was in corporate seemed pretty solid. He are equal in ternis of WHAT WALE
analogy about Uncle Hcnry finance' seemed to have enough to quantity. Butas $l0,t)0() STREET ¡S
buying a $250,000 candy laughed. 'Just
"I'll say:' f support Aunt Carolyne's ConStitUteS a PP0X I-

company that he planned to
break into little pieces and
sell for profit.
Well, do you know any-
thing about the compa-
cash flow?" asked the
counselor.
Uncle Henry says it's cx-
cellent we answered, think-
Ing of the $2.8 billion in
pretax profits RJR netted in
1988, but the accountant
haswarned us that if things
don't go perfectly, we migh
noebeable to meet our obli-
gàtions:' We were thinking of
the warning that Dr. Abra-
ham J. Briloff, a professor
emeritus of accountancy at
Baruch College, had raised
In Barrwñ concerning the
RJR deal.
Now Mr. Demarest looked
îeaUy upset. According to
the balance sheet, he hasn't
gotmuch to sell offifhis cash
flow is less than expected. lt
says here that he's only got
$55,000 in tangible assets,
He didn't get too much for
his $250,000, did he?"
We couldn't disagree; the
lueofR)Rs pmpert plants
nd equipment is a relatively
paltry percentage oltbe pur-
chase price. "Well, there was
thegoodwill. We have some
brands of candy that are
pretty well escablished'
You mean he paid two
w&Iredthot.sand dollars ¡oria-
look at that debt!"
Suddenly his tone turned
gentle. "I really can't say any-
thing conclusive without
looking at some sales figures,
hut from what I see on this
balance sheet, nobody is
going to lend you guys any
more money. Perhaps it
would be better if you sug-
gest he end it before he gets
in any deeper'
Thinking ofthe recent in-
fusion ofbillions in cash RJR
had received for selling But-
terfinger, Baby Ruth, Del
Monte, Chun King and a few
corporate jets, we noted that
things looked fine for now,
hut expressed søme fear for
what might happen in a
recession.
"Let me tell you some-
thing, Your uncle Henry is
in deep debt, He hasor
maybe you havea good
deal co learn. Maybe it's for
the best, though. I had to
take over my father's import-
export company at a young
age, I got a little beaten up
at first, hut I learned a good
deal very fast Our counse-
clothes-designing hobby as
well as makegenerous dona-
rions to the Metropolitan
Museum ofArt and Mount
Sinai Medical Center,
"Tell him that charity he-
gins at home' Mr. Demarest
said tartly. "Unless he has an
extraordinary cash flow, he'll
probably need some of his
own money to finance this
debt. Does he have a house?"
"Yes, he owns a coopera-
tive apartment:' we said,
thinking ofKravis's $5.5 mil-
lion Park Avenue co-op.
Well, I hope thatJRJ is in-
corporated, because if it
isn't, the lenders would be en-
titled to take it should he
default on them. Have him
read these:' he said, handing
us copies ofthe Small Busi-
ness Mministration's Bujineo.r
Plan ¡or Small Service Firms,
One Projection ofincome 6'
Expenses a nd Researching Your
Market. "We can't offer him
any loans, but we could offer
some advice, From what I see
on that balance sheet, he's
probably going to need it:'
- Eddie Stern
mately 20 percent of my MUMBUN OVER
word) and mere carfire AND OVER
to Perelnian, my gesto re
represents a far iflOfC TO ITSELF
magnaninous coiìtrili-
tion to thc treasury of
grace.
A similar standard
applies to greed. Let's say
both Mike Milken and a
hair salon owner skim
ot-r3 percentoftheir en-
ttl business intake. The
salon owner nay niake
$15,000atl Milken $50-
niillion. Ixir thegreeci ri'
(io is the saine. The sa-
loo owner isequally ava-
ricious and, I would say.
just as culpable. The
quantity of the fraud
does not make a dii-
ference in norítl terms.
It's the qualcy chist
counts and Mike Mil-
ken isn't even charged
with anything so une-
quivocally sinful as
cheating on his tax
retu r n.
\Xlìcn it COITICS to the
quality of greed, where
docs Mike Milkc'n stand
compared with, say; Reg-
gieJackson?Jackson has
lately been selling his
own canceled checks to
autograph collectors at
$500 a pop .t grarul-
FlBRt:\RY 199') SPY

,w
EVEN GLAMOR
OUS B RAN 0N AME
SUBSIDIARIES
UP FOR SALE
ARE FETCHING
LOWER PRICES,
OR NO PRICE
AT A[L
Ben Stein, in Ben Steins
view. is the journalistic con-
science of corporate deal-
making. A former Nixon
speech writer and current
Hollywood screenwriter, he
composes compelling, de-
tailed analyses of corporate
mergers and acquisitions for
Barron's. He specializes, he
says, in going private LBOS
in terms ofthe rights of the
shareholders and the bond-
holders" Given that Stein
casts himself as defender
of the little guy, whom he
invokes frequently as Mr.
Tax Loss" or "Harry Home-
owner its intriguing to
discover that Stein once
made his own personal at-
tempt to go private.
Sometime around Thanks-
giving 1988, Mike Milken
probably leafed through his
mail and read, to his bewil.
derment, an unsolicited let-
ter from Ben Stein offering
his services to Drexel Burn-
ham Lambert as a sort of
-' 2 SPY I 14R1 ' R'
tOIlS ;lt,t of greed ftr rneanr than anything ever that he ov(-rlcvc-ragcd the whole U.S. econom.:
cOflteI]1l'1dted I)y !i liken . \X'li;tt coritri1ition (I()CS causing our collective debt tymnt-uts to become
a (anLeIç(I RegjkJackson check make to iht- etoli- '_LLIIg(-rotISly litige. Leveraged btmytnits like that of
omy 'Vhatt ¡s RcggicJ;ukson rocIucing fr Amer- RJR Nabiso. says .\1 arty Lipton. the vencral)k
k;tti iimdtistrv? Is Regj.ie Jackson crr4mtiimg joI 1w takeover iaver, PLIt the umatumm "iii great jeopardy
the l.tctc)ryhll? are forcing ami uuulivahk amnotitut of leverage
1Iic governnicnts indictmnemmr eStifl)tt tihit ill on Ameriaum L)uI5iumcs. \X'e are forcing cvcr- husi-
ont. year. 1987. Mike Milken personally (';trne(t muess to fICLI% on short rerun results. and -e arc
$550 million. Thafs (INP of.m country some- depriving our fut ore geumeratiomis ot research and
vhere l)erween (:l1m(I .timd liots'¼vant. muore timaim time
1988 earnings of '151 of time hwtune 50() comupa-
lIic-s_ Rut i1() is the go'crnn1cnt to (1tt ise 'l ike?
c1c'cIopuumeumt."
'Xli. vt-s itid no. l.ipt()Im
slmotuld try ro do sounctlmium
IS
'.Vt
stmggestimmg tImar We
.t1C iHit t,'O()d .tt:
lt lì. ht-etm in the mfloIK-v-prifltifl business for a plan tot nut louij. terni. «'hat Amnerita exeis at
long tune itself: durimmg rite immagicai half detd.- short-term rrsLult. trc time couu,-utrv of the get-
vimemm ituIketi helped create S165 billion ummk mf riclu-ciui( k s. heme, the ovcruuigl im srIlS,LtiOII,
IM)Ikl JCL)t, time I Jflite(i Sitttï imicreatseci own in- invasion of (rrimada. Ve lead ritt- vorld in int'-umt
deI)tc(I1IC%S l-m>' SI2 trillion. X'ho is lw i tug rim i i ugs I i k- da nei ng flowers, pac kaged ai r a nil
nient ti) SLtCSt tlti ¡a 5 50 million s.ti.tr- is itadi)mimia. Among the ftsrsr-grtv'iui kinds cut
cxce%sive. just: because it,; more t1tim tell tummies sift)ps in tui.' country arc timos that sell umotiming
what thc president. i-ice president. Cabinet and essemmti .m I : greet i ng-ca rd scores, u uOVdtV stores, ga Inc
Congress iiiakc \WIiy, S55() million is the cost of stores. lias ¿nade this count r' healthy-look-
mie StedItlm 1)oTmuI)cr. Litt1 time plane camft even fly. i ng of Litt' is t I mc t red i t ca rd a uti the Social Se u rut y
MiIkens real crimc, att ording to luis critics, us system: we invented the furnier, I)trfecte(I th- latter
'The Qucereit Leiter Mike Mi/ken Eier Received
I
moral policeman for the signs offwith an awed, golly-
firm's Beverly Hills junk- gee-whillikers gambit in $fNJAMtP' J 5,CIN
bond headquarters: "iMake which he expresses his
me your] in-house vetter of amazement that both Milken __o% ANtt.0
deals from a fairness to and Creative Artists Agency's
stockholders' standpoint, Michael Ovitz went to Bir-
and teacher ofethics to your mingham High School in
Mhae: beVt
youngand bright colleagues" Los Angeles, a place about -'-
çex'
.
Brn-an
Perhaps Stein really did which Stein claims to be ZodSO D" cpi-
902:2
seek to spread the good gos- someching oían expert'S The BeverlY
pci ofstockholders' rights to goofiness reaches its peak as tear r:
ecOflOm 5
the very men who had en- Stein asks, What can they' be ,- a.r
riched themselves by ne- putting in the water at Bir- 0W, I tOfl
r'aY
gieccing to honor them. Or mingham High School?" 'oiM ;rVate
perhaps Stein, sensing lean Whatever Stein's motive, 5 -1;a ) -
years ahead as a result of Milken never responded. To t' tI*M'
$OrS of
his imminent outofcourt Stein, this was apparently an
unacceptable indignity an ¿sali-
settlement in the libel suit
brought against him and GQ outrage, and for no other oh-
magazine by Joan Rivers, vious reason his subsequent
simply found himself over- Barro,,, articles have savaged
whelmed by the allure of the man who only a year ago
001i.ti° of ii
Milken's billions. w-as in the running to be-
p.S. I .rølo$ s reAd th.tfl,
His letter makes a case come BenjaminJ. Stein's em- pst you to
for both possibilities. Stein ployer. In his account of the
fawns CYou, as a man of mercurial, junk-bond.fimeled accomph c ti) th(' t ;() exc.. Stein published another anti- I
great experience. . . "), re- riseoffree-enterprisers Nel- utives in their vulgar, un- Milken screed in 8an-on last i
minds Milken that under son Pelta and Peter May gentlemanly takeover of Na- August 28, an I-told-you-so
law, responsibility must ac- (Barrons, March 20, 1989), tional Can and subsequent postmortem of the merger-
company power and then Stein cast Milken as a greedy sale of Triangle Industries. maniacal era.
 and use both as ifthere were Literally no tomorrow.
Like Popeye's friend Wimpy, we will gladly pay on
Tuesday for a hamburger today.
Whcther junk bonds breathed ncw life into the
economy or tragically indebted corporate America
almost docsrìt matterthe point is, we are hope-
lessly depçndent on easy money. We need Mike
Milken, not to make America great again but to
Let America survive, to prevent it from becoming
a branch office ofJapan and a reunified Germany.
Yes, Mike Milken may have led us into the woods.
But precisely how are we going to get out with-
out him?
Times, like that ofrnany other newspapers, has corne out
infavor ofsuch a move. Al D2% mato has introduced a bill
in the Senate recommending a pardon and a commemora-
tive Milken postage stamp. One reporter after another has
trooped up to A Ilenwood seeking a pronouncement fron
Milken. Milken is pleasant but Deiphic. "If winter is
here," he says, "can spring be far bebind.?
The president bas watched these developments closely.
As inflation and interest rates have risen, George Bush's
popularity has sunk. He has already dropped Dan
Quayle from the ticket, but he needs an October surprise
to defeat the Democrats.
Secretary ofthe Treasury ¡.,,rj/j/j Brady has argued

OOING tIFF WITHOUT PARUE ANO I?1I1II1IItIMI11IE

A SPY ¡nsult-to-!nluri Flashback: September ¡987
Mi/ken is buried in Kant's Critique of Pure Reason.
Large demonstrations demanding his release have become
commonplace on Wall Street and in Washington. Interest
raies have continued to climb. and the stock market to '-
decline. Nightline recently devoted an entire week of
ihoivi to the issue ofwhethe the president shouldpardon ®
Mi/ken. and the editorial page of The New York

F I" . . .

U
was indited on 98 crimi ' . .,.' ."
nal counts The headline ''":4 "'1;. .." - .* ....," . p1. .'
U''
'

'- '' " ?..I,.

read BETRAYER OF CAPI-
TALISM: THAT IS THE ES-
er 23 SENCE OF THE GOVERN- (1..
MENTS CHARGES AGAINST
MILKEN, but che piece it-
sell was more an enumera- The nohatrpiecesfor-inmates even wig.wearing billionaire financier inmates olic y
. .

non ofSteins charges against

.

e in the letter above remains in effect, according to Rich Phillips of the Federal
.

Milken. "The inventions Bureau of Prisons.

ter, M V' of Michael Milken had no
.

n*rp
beneficial effect
observable
j. t$ on American profits, pro.
that doing anything to help Milken will send the wrong
ductivitç or competitiveness
at a11' Stein wrote, and
message to thefinancialcommunity. They rnustpull them-
£bO..tt
dting selves up by their own bootstraps, be tells his boss. But the
'Milken .got rich simply
. .

by taking already extant more pragmaticJim Baker quietly advises the president
value through price.fixing that Milken has to be let offor all bell will break loose.
garda ,
Baker even whispers that perhaps Milken should be ap-
'-.------..--.--.- and not by creating any new
value, [and) his contribu- potd secretary ofihe Treasury. The president does not
j
,,

tions to our era should be that ideaNick Brady is an old buddybut be

looked at as entirely selfish
,, X do
(and possibly criminal) acts
and not as helpful to anyone
outside his small loop' Un.
ButSteins harshest attack fortunately for Milken's
current, concerted public-
was his column of April 3,
months after relations campaign, Stein
1989, four
e must act. Even Barbara has mentioned sorne-
thing. "What did this Milken fellow do?" she asks,
pr0n0ïg the name Mil-li-kin." 'Was it any worse
than what everybody else was doing?" The president con-
sickrs this. Perhaps a special executive position for
Milken?Ivleei with thepresident every day. Advise him on
economic policy.

Milken neglected to hire him
and a week after Milken
was one of those outside Thepresident, boarding the helicopter to Camp David
his loop. David Kivop (iftet meeting with a delegation from Wall Street, is
stopped by a reportes: Willyou pardon Mi/ken?" he calls
out. Doing everything we can," replies the president. )

FEBRUARY 1990 SPY 53

SEASONAL CATALOG
available, write

ESPRIT. 916F Minnesota St.. S.F. CA 94107

ç.
'

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ciety matrons and other well-known \'()I'flCfl

? are maniacally, even seIf'-desrructivc1) ob-

-.
sessed with trintning fit from their hones. -
. L But many ()Í these suhscril)ers to dic I)uch-
4 ess ofWindsor's singic memorable utterance .,
. ("You can't be too rich or too thin") apply the ?'

niaxin to ftcia1 hair as vc11. at least ficial '

- ltir in the forehead-to-nose latltU(leS. i hat
p, j, Arnericas most celebrated women
VO1T)Cfl who could afford iml)eccaE)le, discreet, b

': - natural-li)oking facial-liait groomingsys- ' ' ' ((L4'

. tematically pluck, shave, wax, bleach, elec-
trolyze and generally denude tlìeir eyebrows
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g.11'
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t into ghastly, mannerist, jencil-tlit slivers. . . Iìvt*iv

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like, mOre often like somcthing chat belongs ,
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behind clear plastic in one of those
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iron-
'p.
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*,,; filing-and-magnet childrens drawing
:
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L
i__t, FORMER FEMINIST GLORIA STEINEM

.. .' :; boards called Wooly Willy. f..

Why do well-todo women 4

i .
5::
high-profile women of a cer- .4 . _ 4

tain ageput themselves . -

..
_. s
through this ¡)Liflf1Il tribal ' .'. i
j
ritual lt's clear that fuller,
unravaged eyebrows arc
far iore attractive than
the skinny /;iiix variety,
which arc the cyCl)row
taslìion equivalent oi%)4Lyne
Newtons iflhlstaChe.
[.ikc the I)Ut dress, the No-
Brow has historically and rather
'ç e4-;
ICH
:

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F -:

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BARBIt

56 SPY FEBRUARY.
. :
,

- - ,S
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 e

jíM/u'n ft21
, Pecdi« ¿ f21j«
g'dqí

CURIOUENGDESIG;YMcFADDEN.
ÌNA SCHIANO
1,

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44
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PROFESSIONAL REFORMED DRUG ADDICT BOY GEORGE

HYPERPROLIFIC NOVELIST JOYCE CAROL OATES 4 T

F_ 'y
.4i1a.4/
An exotic and

COWGIRL DALE EVANS

;:'
_%__

L
dramatic horizontal look
for exotic and dramatic
occasions.
,
,.
JUMBO.SIZE COSMETICS BUFF PAT BUCKLEY

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MR. 5901
e
. 0IVINE 7WEET
 .

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4uI
f4,dòui/

incxpIicabIy - cmjuycd brid mornenS of

srvlishncss: (luring the RenaLissaIe. brtwerri
the world wars. .Lt1(I i ii rh early P)70s (the
&kcade in WhiCh cviv i,!ì, i vpr of lash- cul CA

ionable h.tir Si(ICbU ms. mustaches, the

Afro - was of the -ide variety). But as
S(cfltIcS ended. irnrmal eyebrow growth
returl)e(I " ith rc(Io(I1)k(I force. ( 'X'hìo CL11 :Z- -f
PRESIDENTIAL DOMINATRIX NANCY REAGAN ß?(.4
forget the thikut1ik brows thai alune cou-
trived the cek-hruty of six-foot disco-era When the
l,-.a
weezer is a girl's bes
spokc-smodels Brooke Shields and Margaux friend!
1-Iemingwayf) By 1986 t-'ogin's beauty pro
lessiotials pro(Iainled that wha was really
f)ì k i iig a dit1erete fl'as a t1('hV CI,1 plia si s
CAMP SIREN TURNED DISNEY HOUSEWIFE BETTE MIDLEI
()T1 hI(Ì\\S.

' igiiés autl)ritative edict notwithsta od-

111g, the No- Brow is currently a stylistic con-
vention i n the neighboring galaxies of
Io,-bej and magazines. Considering how
much money and effort these otherwise ttsh-
ionable middle-aged ladies spend on their
a ppea ra nees. the razed. gashli ke eyebrow
constitutes L crucial, overlooked detail that
youd think would blow a social cliunhers
cover, like a borough-tinged laugh. irregular
bottom teeth or a Leatheretce Gticci hag.Jtist
what explains this trailer park-meets-Park PROFESSIONAL DIETER NIKKI HASKELL

Avenue glitch We have some theories involv-

i ng perpetual adolescence. self-loath ing and
the millenniums end. but for that discussion
consult our forthcoming monograph. For
hOW. and as ever, we've gathered up lors o1
silly pictures ro prove the point. )

- . . - - -
PUTATIVELY-NONFICTI

5SSPY FFRRtJARY 1990

j
 . SKILLIONAIRE HOSTESS CECILE ZILKHA

UNCEREMONIOUSLY OUSTED VOGUE EDITOR GRACE MIRABELLA

)PENDENT TALK SHOW HOST ARSENIO HALL

:. /
I',
-»
ROYAL TASLOID FODDER PRINCESS ANNE
I

É: ,

w : -
WELL-PROVIDED-FOR WIDOW RITA LACHMAN
., v

'

r.w. V'

VID NASHVILLE NETWORK CAlLE STAR FLORENCE HENDERSON

---- -.--.- --------.
:

'TL
-
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4:
:

I1W4S:
9'4f2' - :
s .

"i Can't Believe

I Pluckedthc Whole J ::_

'
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SMOOTH-AS-A-BABY'S.BEHIND DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS

RONMAN CHEERLEADER VAN VOOREN :
%

I ORMER FIRST DAUGHTER MAUREEN REAGAN

-
HUMORLESS COMEDIENNE WHOOPI GOLDEE RG
w
çc-yÇ'

: :y EOOK WRITER SHERE HITE

)M&MMm1

FEBRUARY 1990 SPY 59

 f*L W
POSH INTFRIOR DSIGNNDRE[PUTM.N
L,

.
r

A'

COSEl

r GLAMMIEST GAL-iN-WASHINGTON GEORGETTE MOSBACHER

' ,

SOTHEBYS WIFE JUDY TAUBMAN

HOME WRECKER MERCEDES

3e
.-q('u.

Recommended only 1980S CAlI

for those fashion-obsessed
enough to know better,rch
enough not to car'

-
INSTANTANEOUS FASHION CELEBRITY CAROLYNE ROEH
I

TAN. BOSOMY DIRTY-BOOK WRITER JA<

60 SPY FEBRUARY 1990

 FORMER BARRY DILLER ESCORT DIANE VON FURSTENBERG

PINK HAIRLD GARMENT-BUSINESS ODDITY ZANDRA RHODES

r'

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L ESTEE LAUL)ER
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LX MOVIE FOSSIL BETTE DAVIS

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: MOVIE CRITIC ROGER (THE FAT ONE8ERT

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CAMPBELL (
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SURVIVOR ANN MILLER
-

FORMER HOLLYWOOD SQUARE JOAN RIVERS

197OSCABARET HOSTESS REGINE

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For o
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LA.DI-DA ACTRESS-ODDITY ARLENE DAHL
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look that s definitely n
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homegrown!
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ONCE-FRIGID SINGER-DANCERACTRESS DEBBIE REYNOLDS
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I I.hRI .'\k ¡5?)u SPY i'

-
Nan Kempner is on the plonet to throw irportant portes.

- ela q

To throw important p T i ' csion. Por-

ties with three kinds F1IV - ooked frozen

spinach, wth or .
. ;, with odor-

able porcelain roo rtgcd on _____able, just so.

SUS.4Ñ ORLEAN visitec stess os _____ or':jonized one

of these hghfy im .'. ties, ccnie back with

a portrait of the qo teny-tiny, corn-

pletely o1Qcrortic

arh
amai
world of Non Kempner

Ihere are many people in the

r
world for whc m giving a party
is an unnervilrig prospect,
but Mrs. Thomas Kempner of
Manhattan is not among them.
Mrs. Kempner, a well-bred
woman who is known to her
close friends and to readers of
gossip columns as Nan, is not
Excerpted from Sotuidoy Night ¡n
one to worry about
burning her roast or
getting stood
up or not having the table set on
timeS. She is the sort of person
who can wrestle a cumbersome
guest list into a salon. She
knows searing arrangements
and reminder cards and table
America, to be published by Alfred A. Knopf in May
settings cold. She gives dozens
of dinner parties every year,
and none of their make her so
much as slightly nervous. Nan
Kempnei in fact, is not just a
skill(ul hostess but an ardent
and confident one who has a
hostess's temperament and
instincts as well as all of those
 - .

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 other things that go along with
being good at giving nice
Ì
parties, such as a big apartment
on Park Avenue, an investment-
banker husband, a butler, a
masseuse, a cook and a horse.
Nan devotes most of her
hostessing attention to the
few hundred Manhattan-
based multinational types
who are known in ,,
You go out every other night of the week, so you must take the weekend off fro
cultural shorthand
as "society"a crowd that
might actually he blessed with
an oversupply of poised
hostesses. But even among
them, the party-giving skills of
Nan Kempner are well known.
"Nan gives a certain kind of
party that is very, very alive
and very gay. They are very
good parties, extremely good
parties," Pat Buckley, Nan's
good friend and a serious
hostess herself, likes to say.
'Her guest list is amusing
and her food is very good,"
says the socialite and interior
decorator Chessy Rayner. "She's
never changed her living room
around in all these years, and
it works terribly well for any
number ofguesis. Nan was
also the first one of us to make
a big effort with her food. Then
her fabulous cook left. Some
people would have withered
on the vine, but Nan picked
herself up and found another
fabulous cook and kept on."
Someone who often eats at
Nan's says, "Her mix of guests
is good. too. She often has
Europeans, and that's fun."
As a society regular who has
been invited co Nan's many
times says, "Nan, in a word, is
determined to be the best."
s one of those people whose visits
Jn spite ofher preeminence,
certain facts of Nan
Kempner's hostessing
style clash with popularly
held principles of home
entertainment. For instance,
most people would agree that
the best night for parties is
Saturday night. This is because
a Saturday-night party allows a
64 SPY FEBRUARY 1990
full day for the host to prepare true. You really should keep
and for the guests to work up that in mind."
enthusiasm, and everyone is "I think people need to rest
comforted by knowing they have now and then, don't you?" says
all ofSunday to clean up or Ailecn Mehle, known in her
recover. While this is certainly syndicated gossip column as
true for most ofAmerica, ¡t is Suzy. 'You go out every other
not che case for Nan Kempner. night of the week, so you mliii
Not only are Saturday-night take the weekend off from
parties infrequent in high the party circuit. Otherwise
they actually represent you simply get too much of
a breach of the basic tenets of muchness and not enough fun."
upper.class behavior. Another hostess of some
"I can hardly imagine giving renown, who once hired a
a party on a Saturday night," bagpiper to play at her dinner
Nan has said. "I'm always out party for Prince Philip and
in the country riding my horse another time had a beer-
and so forth on the weekends, drinking Russian bear named
and even if I weren't, I can't Rosie entertain her guests, told
imagine who would be around me, "I certainly understand that
to invite for a Saturday party. I Saturday night is an important
honestly can't imagine it.' night to many people. I'm sure
A friend of Nan's, a woman it's very important to how shall
who lives on Fifth Avenue, offers I say this?'Middle America."
the same observation. "Saturday Then she shrugged her shoulders
night is for amateurs," she and added, "But to iii, dear, it
declares. We aren't amateurs. simply doesn't mean a thing."
So naturally, our social lives There are a few circumstances
don't revolve around Saturday under which a society hostess
night." will break rank and give a party
'No one would think of giving ori a Saturday night. What might
a party on a Saturday night," qualify would be a weekend
yet another New York socialite visit from titled or recently
I &ow he kitchen deposed European royalty, or
Is c,oirnd h.,. ifJohnny Carson were in town
someivho,e. Non
wonde,, hot Po,Ii on a weekend, or ifonc were
Avenu, duplex asked to give a Saturday-night
nxco,cI,o4
party by the kind of friend who
really knows how to ask Henry
Kissinger, say. When I first
interviewed Nan Kempner, a
very dear friend of hers from
Pa ris, Countess Isabelle d'Ornano,
had just announced her intention
to zip in and out of New York
for a few days. The countess is
don't come and go without
notice. In the case of countesses,
the standard notice is a formal
dinner party for 16 or 20 people.
says. 'It's absolutely hopeless. The prospect of such a party
I have an ironclad rule about would ordinarily have delighted
being out of the city by Friday Nan. The trouble with this
at five. Have you ever heard the occasion was that the countess's
expression 'Saturday night is schedule was open only on
for amateurs'? It's absolutely Saturday. No matter what her
 instincts and breeding told her,
Nan was going to have to give
a regulation-size full-bore dinner
party on a Saturday night.
Being something ola
congenital optimist, Nan was
still able to find a few things to
be thankful for. For instance,
the countesss visit would take
place after everyonethat is,
the party circuit," says Suzy. "Otherwise you simply get too much of muchness and not enough fun"
that tiny universe of everyones
who were potential guests at
the affairwas back from the
couture collections in Paris,
and just after the Aspen ski
season and just before everyone
Andy Wo,hoI'
rt,oit of l'ion would be leaving for Nassau,
looks o 111.15k.
os Non k.,ull!
the standard site of society's
spring break, Considering that
there might not have been
anyone in town at all, let alone
on a weekend, this was some
consolation for having to give
a party on a Saturday.
n the Thursday morning
before the party, Nan
was lounging in the
library ofher Park
Avenue apartment while
she worked the phone. She has
a low, strong, gravelly voice that
sounds simultaneously energetic
and boredan oxymoronic
quality that is extremely rare
except in people who don't like
parties on Saturday nights. It is
a voice that is both cultured and
brash, like che ones you hear
in old MGM movies in which
everyone drinks a lot of neat
looking cocktails and lias clever
arguments.
l'd never met Nan in person
before that Thursday, but I'd
spoken to her on the phone,
and that voice had led me to
expect an ample, MGM-style
gal. Actually, Nan is loo percent
ectomorph. She was perhaps
the least overstuffed item in the
library, a large, square room
paneled in burnished dark wood,
carpeted with a number of
densely patterned Persian rugs
and otherwise filled with bulbous
chintz-covered couches, chintz
pillows, needlepoint and bargello
pillows, antique Bombay chests,
life-size porcelain dogs, china
fish, china birds, wooden apples
and pears, narcissi in terra-cotta
pots, exotic grasses in terra-cotta
planters, bowlegged end tables,
batches of oil paintings leaning
against the wall, watercolor
paintings in stacks, charcoal
sketches, cigarette boxes, and
ivory netsuke in che shapes of
fish, fishermen, dogs and wild
animals. One wall was entirely
given over to booksamong
them, books about Chinese
painting, Antonio Gaudí, Cole
Porter, orchids, Baithus,
Botticelli, Degas, Africa, Japan,
France, how to quit smoking,
and Odilon Redon. It was a little
busy. Beyond the library there
was a large, curving stairway
wich a dark, shiny banister chat
sprouted offthe formal entrance
hail, and a few rooms that
looked as if they might sprout
ocher rooms and other stairways.
The vastness of the place made
it seem as if there might be
whole industries being built and
destroyed in various outlying
parts ofthe apartment.
"Hello, darling! Did you get
my message?" Nan was saying
into the phone as I sat down.
She waved at me distractedly as
she held her ear to the receiver.
After a minute she covered
the mouthpiece wich her hand,
arched her eyebrows and
mouthed the words "My florist'
"No? Yes? Good, wonderful.
Darling, I need flowers for
Saturday night," she said into
the phone.
"Yes, yes. You've got all day.
The party isn't until Saturday
night:'
"Yes, Saturday. This Saturday.
Darling, I want something
pretty. Lilies, maybe. Lilies last.
Darling, just make ir something
that will last. l've a luncheon
here on Wednesday. lt would
be nice if they would stay nice
until then."
"Wonderful. Good, darling.
Love you! Byyyeee!"
She hung up the phone and
then immediately lifted it again
and dialed the intercom in her
personal secretary's office.
"Barbara, did you hear from
Peter Sharp yet? Is he coming?
YOU sent him a reminder card?"
(Peter Sharp is president of the
Pierre hotel.)
"Are you certain? Call him
and remind him, please."
"Yes, I suppose. It's already
Thursday."
She pressed a button on the
phone and dialed her chef.
"Margaret? Yes, hello, dear!
How is everything?"
"Yes, dear, I want the apple
brown Berry. Oh, you know
how much I love dessert. I want
this whole meal to be very
American, you know lt will he
a lovely thing for the countess.
Oh, Margaret, you're going to
make your crabmeat in aspic,
aren't you, dear?"
"Terrific! Good, darling. See
you Saturday. Byyeeee!"
This time when she hung up,
she pushed the phone aside
and leaned back into the couch
cushions, which bulged up
around lier like rising dough.
Though Nan is almost as well
known for her wardrobe as for
her parties, this morning she
FEBRUARY 1990 SPY 65
was dressed plainly in a mint-
green flannel bathrobc wrapped
tightly around her and cinched
to a choke hold with a Ifla((lUflg
belt. She has ashy h1oi1 hair. a
Wide, flat mouth, afl.I a bug.
skinnç permanently tanned
neck. She moves her hands often.
She is fmous for her extreme
thinness. In photographs, she
gives the impression of l)right.
barely contained energy and
hunger. In person, she has
the strong-feanu red bock of
C t) m ma n d.
We're running late oda>
and I Lua that,' she said. 'l've
just linished my pedicure. anl
that was late, and l've got a
luncheon at noon tiiat I must
go to, afl(l I still have to make
these calls. lt riight he a rather
hectic (lay
I asked if Sl)e was finding a
Saturday-night ¡)tfty particularly
hard to PUt together.
"'CII, itS (C?hi/fl/)' not muy
lavorite nLglit for parties,"
she said, an(l then
Sl)C gave a hoarse,
"I can give a party at the drop of a hat That's why I don't give many block-tie dinners
rc)l)u St a ugh . i de'fi I ely
I)
prefer chc' middle uf the week.
I absolutely haie to go out on
Saturday night. I think thars
l)C0P1C go out,
when lfl()St
though, isn't ¡t? And Tommy,
fly husband, is a reaijoc College
tyl)C, you know, and he so hares
to go øut any nigl)t ol' the wck.
And oui Saturday? Oh. my!" She
slapped ber knee. "I especially
hate to give a /aiy on a Saturday
night, but we sunply had to
sch('(bubc this for a Saturday. A
kw l)tt1l)lC can't come because
they're aw ay for the weekend.
l'ni usually i n tue cou ri cry every
weekend, of course, But I
imuagine this vibl have to do,
'l'he COIIUtC'SS IS a great Lfl(I (lear
an(l wonderful and charmui ng
friend of' un i Fie, and she's just
the prettiest and muost lovely
P'°' and has just the greatest
taste of' flOflC I kno really
or at least, she has taste that is
(IS vondcrfub as aulyotmes i
knowand rca!l) she's just so
/"c'tIy, and such a dc'ar person,
(6 SPY FFBRUAR'I i;9'l
and her t1uiiily is so lovely Her said to Glenn. "Three of us,"
C()USIFÌS have done so nmch
for Deauville and that part ut "N000. Just three, darling.
France, you kno She aii Oh, and Monday I'm giving a
her hLIsl"a1rI, (;Lmrmt Hubcr lunch, too. 'I'hcre will be eight
d'Ornano, have this lovely on Monday."
NvcI and nect
--i
dna, he,
"Yes, darling, I am, Yes.
toth.dughtof Saturday night. Sixteen. Love
ail at fa,b,onoblc
you, darling. Byyceec!"
Son'cty Nan says that she can't
remember 110W marty parties
she's given, but she still
reniembers her fìrst one:
Lombon, 1952, roast beell At
that time she was a recent
d bride who liad come to New
York society by way of a
weakli upright San Francisco
upbringing. 'I'lìc ancestors of
her husband, 'l'oro. had exercised
caution and dart ng am the
respectively perri flc'flt iiU)ifltiitS
on '"al1 Street and had timos
conpany that muakes natur-ab provided their (Iescendanrs
ier1tmmes and bath products ,ør.,.. W tu <,c'rta n fu ngi hie adva n agt's
i
that they sell at Bergdorf's that life. Before Torn and Nan
is the most wonderful stufl l'vt- Kcmpner steppeti into Ne'
4I
'
ever used. Have you ever tried York society, they spent the
it? lt's WO1)derful. At any rate, yea r ii London tua t s sta nda rd
i i
wheim i saw isabelle in Paris in vitli tl'IOS(' people who want to
k
September, she told me that she j)OliSl) their graces.
would be coming and would "It was the first year we were
like tO SCC some of' her f'riends, married," she said, "Furnd was
I love my apartment, you knov still rationed then iii England. t
tfl(l Ofl(' does love seeing one's used to have fl)tSt beef shipped
friends omie's apartment. I'd
it) in. voti imagine? The first
1))uh rather have- Pelt' liete night I would lìave friends over
than i.0 OUt, al)soItItCly." and run the hcc( through nie
ilie phone rang. "Hell0000?" grinder and serve it as steak
Nan saiti, tartare, and the second imight I
i'øult1 I11V(' other l)et)PlC over
"Yes, oh, Glenn, darling!" and serve it as regular roast
beef, and nl' third night, IcI
"Yes, yes, Wednesday tor have a few tiiort peopl(' over
lunch." and serve it as roastbeef hash.
(Gknn was, of'course, Glenn We liad to use ingenuity then,
Bcrnhaum, the restaurateur tiI(I it worked," Today Nan
who serves iii the unoHicial hut l)(! ic'ves a f:1 rty of real (liIitY
widely recognized position of cicix'nds Iflote mastery of
t)fl
tl)e hostess's host and upper' tiettils rIman on tilL' aI)ility to
crust cont'idant. Nan was stretch cuts of beef'. "Naturally,
P1" f) n i ng to gi ve t simia bI lu nel) when one has a dinner in
I)L rty at Glenn's restau rammt, Manlmrnan, i.)rie buys one's
Morcimer's. a few clays after her I)tS1CS at Butterfield Market,"
Sarurday.night alltir.) she said. "Fish we get at
"AtoLl 1)11 One o'clock," NL1) Lconards of course. And these
 Korean markets" her voice
suddeni)' rosewell. tiy, rhey
are marvelous, rea!1) Do VOLl
ever go co thci? They really
have the inosc W()(lCrfLll StLIH,
and they're open tI1 IÌe tillIc,
arid ¡1 ve lind 'crc shoru a
head of lCttLlC( or a l)d l).t
can just POP OVef to the Korcin
marke and grat) i. She
clasped her hands iii lIer Ial).
How do I actually put
together my P11tY? Ot course.
ont: calls vitli tn ll)'ltdtlL)fl
and I have Ba rha ra send tait
reminder cards, iiid I jus try
to Llt together the most .tmsi ng
and fiscinating PPlC I
She leaned hack lOti) thc
cushions iiid then stretched
long, nu U feet (flIt OD the coffee
table, pushtiig aside i dozen or
St) priceless little titi ngs. F-1er
legs looked ahotit .15 thick as
small mailing tuhc. i 1er toenails
had a pearly poiis1i . Just tian,
a nervous-looki ng housekeeper
with a soft grayish fice padded
ucept if it's absolutely necessary. I just think black-tie puts a thud-dull thing on a party, don't you?"
ï nto the 1 i bra rset 1i()v'n a
silver tea Set a 0(1 padded out
to 5001e rt'n)otc OLitpOSC irrlm'
northeast of tlit en ra lee Im:i Il.
t C ll('iil'il li.'e
I ear honked son)e\vhere On
Park Avenue.
"I like to pick Out SOilìetl)ii))Z
special for the aIle hrst,
of course. For his Sattmrdiy
night, I have a very special
embroidered lotli f lOi)) Italy
t.
thtt sorne cousi us ga'e uS.'
Nan sa id, poi n ti ng riiwa rd thc
dining roon. 'I in fortunate
l)eCaLiSC I dont tise a caterer.
Margaret, il)\' special chef.
COiI)CS i n fr ptrties. i rid she
and I have already ari'.inge'cl the
menti. I love thinking aboUt
What 'wcre goi ng to et r. I a iso
ha'c sorne \von(ierful 'aiters.
one of Whom)) iS OW t'orrer
huiler, and the)' in to
Lt)ifl(.'
help, and they make sire there
are fresh cigarettes out in 111e
cig'i rette holders a nd fresh
candy in ali the (IiSII(.S. audI we
Put a fe'' flowers uIl around to
nake the j)l1ce i bit moore gil la.
On the table I put my collection liat. Ihar's 'hy I don't give
of anìtique l)OrCC1lin birds. anti many black-tic dinners at
I IÏIOVC rhcin L()Li 11(1 .11 \Vh i home, except if it's ahsL)lurely
tint il tlie look just right. necessary. I just think black-tie
1 chi nk the nagic nu mher pUtS a thud-dull chi ng on a
for (li 1)0C' iS eiiht or ten. lai t jirt (lOnt yOU:"
li vcr; very bad. iiI once I I lostessing. at least as ir is
ila . get startet! I just cant stop. I irìcriced by Nan Kempner.
can seat 3() at my dining-room Is not a real growth i n(lust rs'.
table. and dlLlir( a lot more if I The day of the 101) New \)rk
1)redk t into several sn)a!ler hostess is over, says Suz the
tables, i lclìough I rea1l Ii ke gossip columnist. 'ho has
having a rty seated at a single written about dozens and dozens
tLl)le. I 1()'C giving spaghetti of Nan Kempner's parties. The
pa tries on SLI nday nights. a od lovely, graceful days 'hen there
those i re big, Oh, I nforn)a I were wonder tu I h ostesses w h o
things. where everyone takes a knew evervihii ng about food
tray and thevre JLISI SO much and manners are over. Now
fU O ! 1h i s Sa tu rdav l'in hia i ng everything is a mob scene. lt's
lìcr 16 guests. Of course, everyone an ego trip to have so mans'
I);LS a n assigned placc- at the people and such large events. I
table. I ntke u, the seating never JLZ(Ige a good parCs' h'
P1' I) i)UtCS bctore they
teil ifli that. 'X'hcn I judge a irt I
con)e, when liiì still i i) tIle go by fun. I go i)) laughS. I go
h)dtl)tUE). afl(I th)eiì III just go 1')\' amusing. That is not wltc
It) C lic t. 1)5CC L ad j ust })Li II t)L1 C VOU get in these huge ptitiic
soneth i ng to wea r. lIla CS exactly spectacles. It's so rare to have t
vlien Ill start rreii ring. On li trie private parcs' now' tltt
t li r(lLy mn I) ru i ng Ii pia n n i ng 'hetiever there is one. everyone
ti) go to the' country and pias' shouts for glee."
LL'i)i)iS ti)tl rIcl(' il))' horse and
dt i IV n)tssage
ifl%' 1Then a table is set
i il t l)e Ot get
la te i ftcr F1001) . i (1 1) properly, it is a
nervous i ii rile least Whet) I'm harn)ony of many
tcn in tho A9e
eienents. Nans tal)ie,
o, Aquo,,,. No, Oil che night of iicr
part), for Countess cl Ornano,
he, fini,
ciothei: hc.c, had 16 iiice settings arranged
Noronot.
Oil a dark, heavs"iegge(l di ni ng
Geoq,ophic. by
"oy-of- Yell,-. table that had been (iraped
Sb,,o,ine bol
with 'hire handkerchief-li ncr
tablecloths embroidered with
sprays of tiny wildflowers. Each
place setting had three different-
size bubhie-thimì crystal goblets.
three frks. three knives mncI
two spoons. The silver was
placed jrecisely around a v1iire
porcelain plate edged in gold
leaf, 1he svhite place vas just a
iarkcr: ir \'(.)Lil(l never I1a'c
fod on it. it would bc lif'tt'd
giving a ptrty. Fve always felt and replaced with a floral Royal
tI)e 1)eSt arc' the OneS Douiton plate on which the
thit jUSt ill PPCI1. 001 the ones first course would he served.
tli.it .tre overiv pI1i1i1('1l. i c'an and that in turn would be
give i rt', it the (lri)1) of a replaced with a cream-colored
FEBRUARY 1991) SPY ("
piece ofSpode for the main
COUÇSC.Dessert would be served
on small plates of antique
Chi nese porcela i I) . Na n lias other
sets ofehina piled in cu!)hoar(Is
ill the butlers pantry. but she
had earlier that day decided
this W8S the combination that
WOUld work tonight. Isvo large
arrangements of flowers
including lilies - 's'ere set Ofl tlìe
sideboards. In the center oí the
table were cigarettes and four
porcelain roosters set in a row.
As I was admiring the cable,
OflC of the waiters began to lift
one of the roosters. Someone in
thc kitchen called out, Jiist leave
the ?l)OuterS a/one. Nan will do
that. The vaiter, one of' four
wlrn had been setng the table.
l,Ut the bi rd down and walked
out of the dining roon and
into the kitchen. The chefa
sturdy, dark-haired young woman
named Margaret Hartnet, who
left a jOL) at the restaurant
Roxannes to cook for Nan and
murmured sorìething to
him and then 'ent back to
defrosti Fi fro'.eiì Sl)i nach.
"Thats Nans thing the
roosters," Margaret explained.
"They're fine how they are.
Ihats something she likes to
do herself. All the hostesses
have soiïcthing they like to do
themselves. \X'e just leave them
as they arc and shell fix them
when she comes down." The
intercom buzzed.
"Yes, NarY" Margaret said
into the receiver.
'Fuìe hain looks tine. It looks
great. lts 20 pounds ... in sure
It 'ill l)e enough.
«UI'
"Everything's set. The waiters
are already dressed."
As she was saying this the
waiters looked at lier sheepishly,
pulled their neckties out of
their pockets and put them on.
v1argaret hung UI) the intercom
and looked at her watch. "Seven'
fifteen, guys," she said in a loud
voice, and then she picked °F1
6M SPY lEBRUARY 990
list and said, "I.et's see, ham,
okay, crabmeat in aspic, yep,
lenion mayonnaise sauce, uka
yams. fine, spinach over there,
coni niifhns. Corn iuflìns!
1)a in n !" She sk i ed over to the
oven and took out a tray of pale
mitIìns, Poked them arid put
tl)Ctfl back in. l'ben she surveyed
the kitchen. a huge, white
L-shapcd rooni vith a tall old
stove, glass-front Cal)inets that
went all the way to the ceiling,
o Non
choU o sniokes
Ho do yoo th,nk
he set, he'
coicO o nound
thot woy'
8fld several worktal)les. ()ii
the ftr end o1 the kitchen s'as
a stairway that led to the
servants' cluarters.
l'n istiallv in the country
vith Nan over the weekend,
cooking out there," Margaret
said. Nan got home from there
at five. Shes upstairs having a
bath. l'vi r. Kempner's getting
ready, too. Maybe l'ui a little
out of sync because ¡'ni never
here on the weekend. Okay, let's
see, irnifhns, apple brown Betty.
Fine. You think it's weird to use
frozen spinach? on,
at the top. She's consummate. She is one of the last great hostesses. She gives
everyone uses frozen s pi ii ac h
Earlier in the week I had
asked Nan if I could come to
her dinner party. At (Ile titile,
slic."cl looked bafiled, as if I had
said something in Chinese.
After my question sank in, she
gave her hoarse 1aug11 aild said,
"Oh. 'ell, it would be lovely
tint, you kno everything is set
for the guests already. lt's not
just a matter ofadding SOCOflC
i n just like that. These things
i flVUlVe a I i trIe p1a n ni ng.
She did agree. though, to let
nie drop by before the party
tO ol)serve the last-minute
lreparatos. 'X'hen i arrived,
the apartment hi.L(I been overrun
by a phalanx of waiters, cooks,
housekeepers and butlers. Nan's
usual schedu le allowed for her
co coni e (li)\ ii ¿1 Ifl i il ti te Of two
before the guests arrived so she
could approve tile final details.
The intercom helped with any
intermediate concerns. The
effect was ilOt unlike Mission
Control radioing Coillillailds to
a space capsule.
'lts iiìlportant to keep all of'
this going SfllOOthIy, Margaret
said. 'Hostessing is unforgiving
work. I realize that the secretary
does all the it ng, a ud the
i 11V I
chef (loes the ordering and the
cooking, t!i(l the butler and
vaitcrs do all tile serving, but
you Just (Ion't get to the top by
screwing UI). Nan's at the tOp.
She's consummate. She is one
of tile great hostesses. She gives
it special touch. She comes
L
down and arranges the birds.
She brings eoie together.
Nobody does this anymore.
Nobody knows 110W ilTipOrtalit
these things are to this kind of
society lt's a very formal thing.
People are introduced into high
society this way. lt's going to
end someday, because nobody
(lOeS t like this anynlore. I feel
like i at cooking for the final
march of the dinosaurs."
At 7:45, Bernardo, who is
Nan's ex-butler and is now lier
waiter when she has parties,
closed the heavy swinging door
between the (lining room and
tue kitchen. Margaret finished
'itli the spinach afl(l dumped
the dirty pots and paiis into the
sink, checked her list again and
started to whistle. "I'his isn't a
l)iggie. ''Yerc all under control,"
she said. "i'}ie guests are set to
 arrive in three minutes. The
waiters will get out there with
clic hors d'oeuvres, and thcn wcI1
wait a bit and serve SUI)E)er. II1
I)e IR)I1)e h' iì- i cl
a Iatc-night ki fld of 'ro'd
intcrconì buzzed again. \'s.
Nn(' Margaret said.
mi non ty those vlio buck thc the IflOSt in-demand attacha in
doctrine of the documeiìtarilv the city at the time; Lady Dudley;
realistic party. L11(l a few others less well
I had expected Nans pay known. Of course, the guest of
n igl) t Th i s is nc for the countess to get some honor was the Countess Isabelle

(;kay, Bernardo took OUt

tlw wine." I-Iou' New rkr Top Hosiesi Stacks Up Againsi Other Extinct and &zd.angered Species . '

NAN KEMPNER EXTINCT/ENDANGERED WILDLIFE

"All (l()flC."

Nan places handwritten cards on dining table Rhinoceroses place dung deposis in piles ro
Party-giving and l)LrrY- to serve as seating-plan markers serve as territorial markers
going have long been Nan follows up her telephoned invitations The Tasmanian woiffollows its prey tirelessly
subjects of academic with mailed reminder cards until prey is exhausted
scrutiny because they The short-tailed albatross can drink seawater
Nan can throw a dinner parry with relatively
are viewed as hcl)aViOrS little effort because of her specialized staff without harm because ofits specialized nasal
that signal society's gland
direction. A sociological Study
Nan and her husband do not shop for food The male buia bird tunnels into a decaying
olsuburbia conducted in 1931
but send staffout to many different specialty log to extract grubs; female inserts bill and
suggested chat clic nations
shops sucks out insect larvae
newly ¡ri i ii te( I Il) i (l(IIC c la ss was
likely to ape the leisure pursuits Nan can throw a fabulous party without ha- The aye-aye (Irinks by flicking liquids Ifltø its
of' the idle rich, particularly ¡ng to lift a bony finger mouth with its elongated middle finger
their "explosive and Orgiastic Nan is rarely seen with her husband, except The grizzly bear is rarely seen with its mate,
parties:' Bit by 1960 admiration during dinner Parties at their home except during feeding periods and mating
for the Ul)l) class and the season
upper-class party had waned. A Nan's The male prairie chicken adopts a bright fa-
University of Chicago study stant application of makeup to attract papa- cial coloration in order to attract females dur-
iul'lislel that year concluded razzi during the party season ¡ng mating season
chat iiiüst Anericans no longer
Spindly-legged Nan eats like a horse but re- The spindly-legged whooping crane eats pro-
wished to emulate the formal, digiously but weighs just 14 to 16 pounds
mains curIously skeletal
carefully arranged, detail-
- !lei-y A/ford
specific upper-class di iìtìer Piitt)
The study said that the party in
America was now dominated mention in the press, as Nans d'Ornano, who for a brief,
l)y the "node of docurrientary or(Ilnarlly do. This queer moment on Park Avenue
realism." The distinctions tiie, though, there wasn't a had managed to make Saturday
between host a i(i guest ;i rl word. The party had taken night into what it is everywhere
between real-li fe behavior a nl PlLCe O1 a Saturday night SI) . else in clic countr I asked Nan
party behavior that had been I)tturall ilOflC of' the columnists how she thought it turned out.
ihe l)i I I ma rks of the u Pper-class who usually keep track of these She said she bund it very
dinner party 'ere now blurred things vou1d have known there amusing. "just a wonderful good
abandoned or just fbrgotten.
ciT \\'íi S l nyth i ng of note gol ng o tì. tiiì)e, with lots of conversation
So when Nan Kempner A lèw days after the dinner itfl(llaughs,' she added. "ihis
special touch. I feel like I am cooking for the final march of the dinosaurs," says Margaret, the cook
orchestrates a guest list, and party, I called Nan. She hit she VIS, you see, just marvelous
L

luíis lier gi rl seiI out reriìi fl(IeI baci i nvited a groti p that was group. lt s'aS really wonderful.
cards, anl hires lier vaiters, solid uìd inportant and had a It WLS i lot of great old pals."
and chooses her tablecloth, and nice amount ofvariety. Pat By her description, I guessed
orders her flowers, and draws Kennedy Lawford was there; that the arty was i success.
UI') her seating chart, and three Radziwi Ils; Ambassador But then, I had to take her
rearranges her porcelti n L)i rds, and Mrs. '(/illiam Luers of the svord fbr it. After all, just
and shepherds every detail, as Metropolitan Museum of Art; before clic guests arrived I had
she (loes a few (lOZefl times each Ambassador Julio Santo been firiììly escorted out of the
ear, she represents a shrinking Domingo, who was, Nan told me, apartment by the back door. J

FEBRUARY 1990 SPY 69

 -I-I-I I_ LJF
,
Q.
00
-r-1')
,I_/ O
I StriE ,u Nmth Dukotø 5. Chisholm, Minnesoo u IA
i I,.v ¡(iR bt) I During the twelfth annual lnteri &'A200 3
March H, 1903. WcIk tional Polka Fest in 1989. Lawrence
Park íeacurts t large tard Welks Champagne Music-maker
board CU(OUC of its namesake. Myron Floren was inducted into Ì
the Ironworld U.S.A. Polka Hall of
2. Tubo,, South Dokoto Fame. According to the ¡iii Angeln
EveryJun. crics ofLets polka!" Tinies, Floren and polka king Frankie
resound across che plains as Yankovic are the only accordionists
'1bor celebrates its annual to be so honored. They arc also the
Czech Days and 10,000 people only pcoplc
assemble co dance and to cat
kolacky, a tasty Czech pastry. 6. Minn.opc
Last year i

3. Godcn. Colorado Robert Ka

LascJunc 2 7 the Coors brewing com poun. knowi o o
pany. caving in to pressure from poi- in the Twii ç,
ka ohhyists, pulled TV commercials Cities as th
that featured a lout who cleared out Polka Padre
-i bar just by selecting a polka on the was accuse
jukebox. OI%LXUal ni
conduct wi
4. Los Angeles, California year-old pa
In 1987 labels ttr l.,iwrence WeIks His associa
'Worlds Greatest Polkas" were mis- Wajda, was charged with the same o
takenly placed on thousands of CDs crime after the abused boy sought
)fthC SidandNa:cy soundtrack, k-av. his counsel and Wada allegedly
¡ng many Welk fans wondering what told him to remove his clothin
co
the heck happened and fondle himsell
(
to the
Lennon Sisters.
7. New Ulm, Minncsota
P
-7
J, Harold Loeflelmacher
polka hall of (amer and
ra
o
founder ofthc Six Fat Dun. st'.,
i;:ß died lere. Among
Locffclmachcrs 2(X)-
.rrs 'f4'
.
ol
odd recordings was sin cheese is inferior to New York 12. Chicago. Illinois
I
)-__-/) 'Too Fat Polka cheese, a Wisconsin state senator l-Lone ut the Ititernational Polka As-
recorded his "Cheese Barrel Polka" sociation Polka Music I-laIt of Fame
/o

\
\____.. ,.-.
8. Roscville, Californio In response. and Museum. which has inducted
.,
P(L_i'"3
¿_.ik;
crY i li.tjiksivtiì
weekend such polka giants as "WhoopieJohn
uiusands gather to do the Slovenian Dunlermline, Illinois Wilfahrt, Lii Wally Jagiello and
'.. twirland participate in
lo.

In lieu of UIIci. ciug taxes, Dunferm- "Cousin Fuzzy" Earl McNcllis.

apolka Massat Polka Days
- o,» L(A(I
r'
California
9. Modison, Wisconsin
In August 1988. aûcr a New York
State cheese coalition a cappella
k'4ì group calling itselfthe Wisconsin
Cheese Busters implied in song
line devotes one weekend every year
to a big polka-dance-and-fried-
chicken-dinner lundraiser
11. Dcnton, Tcxos
Home of Brave Combo, a new- wave
band that has two songs on the Dis-
ney studids album tribun- «

- that Wiscon- Gumhy"Pokcys Polka ai

Zydeco Gumby
- Ya-Ya

II
-d1s
- Polka is no longer solely the province of blowsy women from the Great Lakes states
and retired German military officers. The new-wave establishment is desperate
to make the polka the next big thing Zydeco for the nineties. Provocative

::::::ii)
lseve
lyrics such as "In heaven there is no beer/That's why we drink it hcre'
(a subtle critique of the get-it-while-you-con ethos of the lost
decade) prove that polka is more thon just unbear-
ably goofy party music. But before you im-
press your friends with your
,1/Isço/J,ç mint edition of Jimmy Sturr's
IN "I'm Sturr Crazy," you may want 17.1

to commit to memory SPYs , Th

Boedeker of Polko Polk
z.
Americ
1' July.

o4
£J°PE o
V4#s)#LvANtp
'-o

ILL;
dance that Love Polka Number 16. Flowery Bronci.. Georgio

oJs Nine The authors of this tune, the This is the retirement home of 300-
19. Pittsburgh. P.nnsylvania
13. Racine, Wisconsin Polish Muslims, often perform here. game-winning pitcher Phil Nie-
Racine is the town chat in- kro. As a player for the Braves, I. r)rT thu t IIk_ l,ts

¿.) (e'! spired the Kringlevillc Pol- 15. Cl.v.lond, Ohio Brewers, Yankees and In- 4 ( )ctol,Lr I ')8H. i cdr;i1 udt
lu ka This song, made famous The National Cleveland- ç- ht n ruled ,i ' ifl1tl I_u:i-
9
by Frankic Yankovic. was Style Polka Hall of o ¡ng tridemirL itrini it '

Fcomposed in 1957 by the late Sverre Fame and Museum man who litl ck-sdupc t

s. Elsmo and celebrates the kringle, is dedicated to Ç O musjc-bascd cxcr se

a hot pastry that polka lovers (and Slovenian poi- called Polkacrobics.
qo
who isnt one?) favor. kas, not Polish polkas, which
differentiates it from the irotsis.sIty
z:_) 20. Slovonska Norodno Podporna Jod-

14. Homtramck, Michigan named International Polka Associa- dians, he nota. P.nnsylvonio
i went out Friday iiight with you tion hail of fame in Chicago. Cleve- spent his spare time I (U )ir tUI _IuIy. rilL.
know who/That bakia with the size land is also the home of Frankie on the road looking Nd 1)d. 'LOt) U n[)cr rht. cicvcn ri-si

12 bowling shoe/She feeds me kiel- Yankovic, the first polka artist to win for places to dance (Il. iii-; ut dii Fiiiric Situ's tlriIct

basa and makes me drink a Grammy. the polka. Jimmy Ii>iti,i)i. I IIchI)Ìi\ IilLIJi ,uiI

that winelAnd then Sturr, the polkas 11t11i( tV 5f1s, Slsri5ki N.irt

shelikesto
wrote a song fr him,
the 'Hey, Niekro!
Polka'

ê
 How I PARLAYED THE EDITORSHIP OF

INTO A HALF DECADE OF FREE FOOD,

LESS CONVERSATION WITH THE LE ADE RS

II16?

(r
k
t

If it comet by Federal ¡ìxpreis ejpecially from next door that means it's important,
which means Im important.

't SPY IFnRITARY 1990


THREE HORRIBLE PUB LICATIONS
FREE TRAy- AND POINT-
THE FREE
WORLDe
\:
rom 1982 to 1987 I was the editor of various
magazines. Laden with paid endorsements for
penis extenders, studded condoms, ultrasonic anti-
rodent devices and personalized voodoo services,
these magazi nes - A ierican Business, Better Living
and Money.cwortbhad almost no reason to exist
other than to accrete mailing lists their owner,
Ralph Ginzburg, could rent over and over to di-
rect-mail marketers.
Because of the deceptively innocuous titles and
the deceptively impressive circulations ofthc mag-
azines - Better Living at one point had ¡.5 i,ìilljon
subscribers I was on the same mailing lists as the
editors of such publications as The New rke:
Connoisseur and Bisiness Week. So even though my
magazines were crammed with stories about
remote-control genital stimulators, investment tips
from beyond the grave and "homosexual beer' I
soon found myself on posh junkets to Cannes; at
luncheons addressed by Ronald Reagan, Walter
Cronkite, Bill Bradley and Bob Hope; attending
breakfast press conferences with Mary Lou Retton;
lunching at the Friars Club with Henny Youngman;
and having dinner at the Russian Tea Room wich
economist Lester Thurow. I got to discuss Iowa's
embryonic ice cream industry with Governor Terry
Branstad at the Metropolitan Club. At a March Of
Dimes fundraiser at the Pierre, Julius Erving gave
mc a Cabbage Patch Kid for my daughter.
I was at the Pierre - I was everywhere - because
someone at a PR firm had spent countless hours
and dollars setting up the interviews, inviting me
to the luncheons, organizing the junkets.
ON FIRST INSPECFJON, YOU MIGHT PUT GINZBURGS
magazines just a cut below the National Enquirer
and the Star and just a cut above the Weekly World
News and the Globe. But this wouldn't be accurate.
Despite the obsession ofthose better-known maga-
zines with cheerful paraplegics, unhappy movie
stars, and space aliens in the Department ofthe In-
tenor, the supermarket tabloids are really quite de-
mure when it cornes to sex.
The magazines I worked for were not.
Barbara Ann Blake's guide to "male discipline
and petticoat punishment" advertised in our mag-
azines, as did Diana. a producer ofscented worn
panties, and the fellow who could teach you how to
autofellate. None of the supermarket tabloids, as
far as I know, has ever run a front-page story
speculating that Ronald Reagan still has a full head
ofhair because he was castrated as a youth. And no
supermarket tabloid has ever used its front cover
to ask readers, DOES SPIRM KEAI.LY TASTF LIKE
ASPARAGUS?
lt wasn't as ifGinzburg had no reputation. Rail-
roaded by the government on an obscenity charge
in the 1963 Eros magazine case (his conviction was
upheld by the Supreme Court) and the founder of
the authentically countercultural Avant-Garde in
1974, Ginzburg liad by the late 1970s forsaken all
artistic pretensions and was churning out bizarre
tabloids chockablock with sleazy advertisers and
zany stories. His company, Avant-Garde Media,
was regularly savaged by state attorneys general
with complaints about deceptive advertising, fail-
ure to deliver products and refusal to grant refunds.
Indeed, Ginzburgs reputation was well estab-
lished when I started working for him. Coming
aboard such a dicey enterprise seemed to many of
lily friends foolish, a résumé blot that would do
me and American journalism no good. And yet it
turned out to be the opportunity of a lifetime, an
eighties entertainment beyond price.
For the better part of live years, I got to mas-
querade as the editorial director of a tight-knit
regiment of financial journalists, consumer ad-
vocates and seasoned life-style writers - that's
what our ad-rate cards said we were. In fact, I was
the entire editorial staff of all three magazines,
writing every story in exchange for a good sal-
ary ($14,000 when I began, $50,000 by the time I
left) and the chance to embark on an extraordinary
joyridea joyride only somewhat more pointless
and profligate than the one thousands ofother, os-
tcnsibly legitimate journalists spend entire careers
pursuing.
Once your piiE1ication lias made it into a few
media-contacts guides, the PR system finds you
 within a ear or so aflcI 1wiì never lets go your
ILiffle will start turning up on dozens an(1 then
hundreds of PR mailing lists. and SOOfl you can go
vhcrcvcr warn ai1 do whatever you want,
yoU
Ulfl)OSt no (]ueStionS dskC(!. Never riìind that the
last issue Ot your tÌiLgJÌ.InC had on its cover a
E)ILCk-(fld-WhItC photo ofa fiIdfl reanhirìg a woman;
in all likcliho(xl. no ones ever going co bother to
look closely cnough co notice. No ones going to say,
Gee. t dont ¡binA' the ¡flesu/efli 'ifí%íartiui Alarietta ito/i/el
real/y va n t t(; be p)ft/e(l in this kind of iliagazine.
huge features section consisting almost entirely of
iìot-very-well-rewritten press releases and dull
how-to articles by inexperit-ncecl and overexperi-
enced writers s'ho seldom leave their oces. So
WC dumped UPI, and from then on I wrote all the
articles in all the magazines the same s'ay the
UPI hacks dicL by stealing ideas from other maga-
zincs and rewriting the StfTIC rC5S releases they
rewrote.
Ginzburg's pitches to new subscribers were
an)using. AmericaliB/15111CS5, l)C said, had a "posi-

l'uìe lirst few tfl()11tl)S when PR people called me tively uncanny" ability tI.) furnish data needed to
tO suggest interviews \vitl) tuìe co
of ITT or the make investment decisions. As our rate card put it,
president ofchc American Stock Exchange, 1d tisu- -:iìiericaii B/içiikcJ rea (I l)y A ie ri e a's ni )St
i S

ally tell them frankly 'hat sort of operation ve wealthy, savvy executives, proprietors, professionals,
'ere ru n n i ng the sort thia r covers nude hou se- and investors. Editorial staples include prohles of
1)Olt tripS and speculates about whether a self- captains of industr-, reports on technological in-
i mpreenar(-d hc-rnphrod iies ofispring would call novations, auch insights into 1)fOXY fights, manage-
T9T(Iít 1nvestor Bulliih
it Mommy or ment perfriances, a rid executive compcnsation'
Inton: Daddyand \Vell, not quite. The technological innovations
iE::
.== - " xp*y_,. Amc,icon Business? make it clear i_l niet-Jean I3iisine$s reported on i ncluded spray-on
:WP1iOK Moncyswoith' that an inter- contraceptives, Nude Beer (this was heterocexua/
:
-
Bette, Living? Take view with any l)ecr, with a scratch-offbikini strip OVCE ti-ic girls on
your pick. What
- .

of OUf maga- ('ach can) and hypothetical seagoing. cow-nerhanc-

--- flock would . .
DowM*yHit300 . :-
not want his clients
zincs might p'ered dairies. You can imagine hos' astounded
portrait printed COSt them their I was, at first, to get a barrage ofcalls asking if I was
bcncoth headlines job. BUt as I interested in a bylined article about Chryslers im-
:- such os HORMONE was beSicge(I pending takeover of a rival's plant, written h: the
!
TO HELP (XTEND
by calls auch chief auron)otive expert for Econo-
: LIFE SPAN TO 100
MANUAL cr
o MORE; TINY
letters from metrics. 'Ihe calls never stopped coming.
L-;i k
.: SEX MANUALINA s h a in e I e s s Things would have been bad enough had Àme,-i-
:::.:: BOXSURPRISES flacks, my serti- (Ciiißuuiiiess been Ott r only crime. The editorial con-
::T CRACKER JACK CO; pies were over- tent ofMoneysu's;-th -and Bet/er Living whose read-
:-- -:-::
and WITCHES HAVE
ridden by the ers were, according to úui rate cards, dynamic.
1: :.: G;: FORTUNE SSO
conviction that upwardly mobile men and women"was even
-- :- UNDER THEIR SPELL?
these guys were more Outrageous. Belier Liz'iiig ran a StOf al)OUC
asking to be magnetic shoes as a cure fir high blood pressure;
--- taken advan- a feature in Afoneysworth included a buge photo-
tage of (see "Remember, There's No Such Thing as graph of a child with his penis removed and the
Bad Pubhicitç' page 78). headline CIRCUMcIsION: UNKINDEST CUT OF ALL.
Let me inake it clear that I never contacted And the ads wc-re infinitely scummier, too: hair-
tflyOi1e to request an interview, a junket, a meal rc-nover fflittS, condoms for small penises. Our ;c'1-
or a product sample: a 1)tlhliCist alvays contacted vertisers claimed they could ptzt you in touch wih
me first. I simply waited by the plotìe and the mail- J olin Lennon or with women who ejaculated across
box for the invitations to spend days in a Berkshires a f00111, or introduce you to the art of waterbation"
cottage svirhi my 'hole fami1' and go on South Afri- for five dollars. So I was very surprised to learn that
can safaris atl Aegean erciises. Not to fCflhit)fl to because I was the editor ofMoneysu'orih and Amen-
the Four Seasons. the R-iinhow Room, the Pierre, can Business, my presence at the fifteenth anniver-
The 21 (:!tzh, Le Cirque, The Plaza, the Waldorf- sary of Disney World was desired.
Astoria, Tavern on the Green. And to polo clubs, \Vhv svould anyone even a hair-removal-mitt-
yacht races, golf-club parties. The whole gamut of usi FI moron SISell Out good money for a sub-
p R f-i r in s s'ere i nvolved i n t h i i s I u n a cy, fron in a m - scription? MOSt of our subscribers were simply
flR)tlS taclsines like Hill & Knowhrun Efld Biirson- suckers for (lirect-mail pitches who'd responded to
Marsteller to one-person firms in Kansas. one of Ralph's ads descril)irig his publications as
.. Ii na nc ial Geiger COU nters (A nierkan Biisine5s),
Jus-i- HOW DID I MANAG1 TO ¡'RODUCE THE NECES- 'the' quintessence of consumer sophistication"
sary (iuot1 of lurid material fr Ginzburgs maga- (Moneyswonlh) and 'America's No, i service periodi-
zincs some 16,000 words a month Ginzhurg cal" (Better Living). The fact that the titles jo/inc/eel
subscribed to the UP! wire service, which has a like those oflegitimate magazines - such as Money,

7-i SPY FEBRUARY 1990

Better Hon«s ai/ Gardens, Naiionc B,si,zess cer-
tainly didnt hurt. And they were astoundingly
cheap: a one-year subscription could often be had
for 50 centsand sometimes for nothing at all; a
lifetime subscription went for as little as $4.95.
Ralph virtually gave his magazines away so he
could compile enormous mailing lists and rent thc
names, at 6 cents apiece, again and again to other
mail-order operations. And with his bald-faced
promotions, he did get miElions of names.
"Respond to Me' pleaded a young woman with her
miniskirted legs spread in one ad. "Sock lt to Mc
said a bare-breasted model with her tight shorts
unzipped in another.
GIVEN THE NATURE OF OUR MAGAZINES, YOU
WOLIldflt have thought that my schedule for a typi-
cal week in November 1986 would look like this:
MONI)AY Princeton Universitys "Business
Tomorro Luncheon at Sheraton
Centre with David Roderick (chair-
man, USX), Senator William Prox-
mire Lfl(l Dr. Martin Feldstein
(chairman, president's Council of
Economic Advisers).
TUESI)AY Breakuìist with the mayor of Barce-
lona at the Helmsley Palace.
WEDNI!S1)AY Phone interview with investment
adviser Howard Ruff.
THURSDAY Lunch with mayor of Fresno,
California.
FRIDAY Lunch with Tom Peters, author of
in Search iiJ Excel/ence.
For freeloading journalists, as for nearly all pro-
fcssionals, the importance of behaving sclf-im-
portantly acting always as if you belong cannot
be overstated. Once, at an event in honor of the
Halston fragrance at the New York Yacht Club, I
overheard the PR person hanlling registration tell
a rather timid writer from a legitimate business
magazine Savvy or Ent-ep-eneu;-- with as much
chilly New York impoliteness as she could muster
that the event had "an exclusive guest list" and that
people who hadn't RSVPd couldn't just walk in ofT
the street. Yet the editor of the magazine with
Harry Reems on the front cover impaling some
blond badRSVP'd, so ofcoursc he was on the exclu-
sive list.
In [988 1 attended a press conference held by
one ofthose no-Frills international airlines that has
two planes but a very positive attitude and serves
brunch. When I arrived, I told the functionary my
name and affiliation, and she wrote it on an ID
badge. But she took up so much space with Anieri-
ran that she had to abbreviate B,,jines.c. Later the
airline's chief financial officer approached me.
"American Bu.r' he said, eyeing my badge. "I can't
True. Bob I Io/' has relatively liti/e to do with nieihane-pou'ered seagi,z dairies.
Bill u'ho was i to turn down an audience u'iih a man who hai gilin so l?lilCh joy ¡o so flafl)?
say I'm all that familiar with your publication'
"Deregulation of the airline industry has im-
pacted on major bus routes at both the loca! and
national levels' I told hirn. Vherei'e;- there's a
major transportation story breakingon land, at
sea or in the air if it is re!evant to bus travel,
A,,ìerican Bus will be there covering it"
Although I was iutttiveLy a business journalist,
my freeloading life was not circumscribed by the
likes ofMartin Feldstcin and Howard RufT. I got to
play tennis with Bjorn Borg's coach, chat withJake
LaMotta a[)Out his 1949 victory over Marcel Cer-
dan and pepper Walter Cronkite with luestions
about journalistic ethics. I was asked to meet
Mayor Koch (at the inauguration oía new Brook-
lyn newspaper), Tom Brokaw (at the John l-lan-
cock Awards for Excellence in Business and Finan-
cia] Journalism), New Jersey governor Thomas
Kean (at the opening ola swamplands marina). I
spent an afternoon drinking "Award ('inning
Wines" from Pat Paulscn Vineyards and charring
with Paulsen's wile. I met Boston Celtics presi-
dent and ex-coach Red Aucrbach at an event at the
St. Regis sponsored by the Cigar Association of
America. (The sponsors were apparently unable to
lure cigar-smoking legends such as George Burns
tfl(l Bill Cosby to celebrate che first annual Cigar
Lovers Day, so they had ro settle for Auerbach,
Alan King and Alan Thicke.)
When I was growing up in the rough streets of
north Philadelphia, one of my niost jealously
guarded dreams was ro one day stand toe-to-roe
with the president of Campbell Soup, domestic
division, and talk about current soup tonnage.
On September 30, 1986, that boyhood dream was
finally realized. At a cocktail reception held at the
I'EBRIJARY 199( SPY 75
 RCA Recording Studios on West "14th Street, I
vaIked UI) tO Herb Baum, Campbell Soup presi-
(Icnt. domestic division, and cited some statistics
Ironi MRCA Information Services claiming that
Americans I1L(I collcctively skipped i 3 billion
lunchcs the Previous year, afld that SOUE) was one of
at The IIaza. Lan(k-rs periodically comes to New
York, telling jokes that appear in (JSi% TThday three
days belore she arrives SO char her PR flacks can re-
hearse their hystertcal Iaughtcr 72 hours in ad-
vance. On this occasion. she told che audience
shcd decided dOflatt her L)ody to the Harvard
It)

the prime- victims of the trend. Bauni countcrcd Medical School when she (l)e(l but "unfrtunately.
tInt t SOU P °' iiage \'aS actually p " (2am pl11 they 'anr it I1O'. I)cclaring that she had 'a direct

1li)\\ il1)11I: (h)ÌE1 i StUFY iI hiP II1(1 ll1\ I)1ss1)u11nI [)((JS

THE THINGS I OCCASIONALLY LOVED BUT MAINLY LOATHED ABOUT PUBLIC RELATIONS

The breathtaking in- to have an Amynei about the square root of story kits Federal Expressed to pes sent in by the nation's
competence of PR peo- them: a sort of perky, ideas proposed by peo- me from the building I cereal lovers. Each con-
pie often irked me, but buoyant, zesty inanity. pie namedjason, Shawn, worked in. Once, I got a tamed Rice, Wheat or
after ali, where would Amys pitch a lot of sto- Vicki,Jeffrey and Shari. kit from the PR firm on Bran Chex cunningly
I be without them? At ries about the outpatient Ca/ifo-nia firms. East the 19th floor, and just to disguised as respectable
the corner coffee shop counseling corporations Coast PR offices handle make sure it wasn't a food. I munched on Tor-
instead ofLuthce. But it arc subsidizing to help clients in telecommuni- fluke, I called downstairs ta Ricotta Italiana with
was not all annoyance employees cope with in- cations, energy, insur- and asked ifthey could Chex; shrimp-spiced
and vexation; there were formation overload. ance, manufacturing send it again. They did. salad howl, Chex-style;
things about the proles- To ensure that our and food processing. The package went all the Chicken Acapulco à la
sion of public relations magazines wouldn't get West Coast agencies, way from the 19th floor Chexo; and sausage-
that i truly admired. a re/mialionfor being true to caricature, handle of 1775 Broadway to stuffed mushroom caps
Ezìerybodyc zatned Amy. susceptible to story the doctors who pick you Memphis, then came all à la Chex.
A while back, I devel- ideas pitched by people up in a helicopter and the way back to the 26th Unembarrassed iinptfes-
oped a mathematical named Amy, I came up surgically remove 50 floor of 1775 Broadway. sionalis,i,. meres nothing
story-selection formula with the AQ, which pounds of fat and your Pkfood. The most im- like receiving a press
called the Amy Quo- stipulates that in any colon while you're on aginative food l've ever release covered with
tient. This grew out of given issue, the num- your way to meet the eaten was at a luncheon Wite Out and yellow
my theory that at least ber of stories generated man who designs the at '21' given by the RaI- highlighter ink, nasty
half the account execu- by Amys divided by singing toilet seats of ston Purina Company, comments from a bare-
tives in the US. are the number of story the stars. Rice Chex division. They ly literate superior, and
named Amy. Moreover, ideas pitched by people Promiscuous use of Fed- had persuaded the chef a note at the top reading
story ideas pitched by named Lori should be On three oc-
eral Fx/,ress. to prepare about 19 THIRD DRAFT.
people named Amy tend roughly proportional to casions, I have had press dishes according to reci- jQ-
hut thanked inc fr coining to the press event. hue ro the masses' she attacked quacks, wackos
(Thank )W/(, Ìvlr. Balli)) - thank OU fr ritking a and ii rveyors t)f ini racle eu res. I n fact, La nders
small boys dream come truc.) had w r i tten several colo un ns wa ro i ng her readers
Soietirncs, vidi all the one-on-one lunches I to steer clear of mail-order con artists.
was being asked to endure, I would simply pick a The croissants were exquisite.
street vith a lot of restaurants on it and work my
way systt-ratically up aiii down the block . (11(1 I Ir ONI THING TO GO 'IO SEVERAL THOLJSANI)
this with 56th Sreer, 45th Street and 47th Street, luncheons, parties and press conferences in which
and I also (11(1 quite a bit of work over in the East I had iìo plausible journalistic interest - iileed,
Sixties. i tried to have at least two events scheduled such a routine is part of being a journalist and
for every working day of the year, Si) that if I kit quite anotiìc-r actually to interviev corporate swells.
like getting out tiic ofhce I'd always have some- During my stay at iniriin !3usineJs, I spoke vith
'here to go. At the lnisicst rimes of the year there Norma n Augusine, resi(Ieric of the Ma rtin Mari-
\V()Uld be easily a halfTdozen major press events tak- (-tta Corporation, and Robert Mullanc, CEO of
ing New York City on the same (lay: and
pl1c( ifl Bally Man u factoring, among na ny others.
as the editor of three lcgltin)ate-sounding natioii1 When rue occasion demanded, Ed ask superfi-
I1glZ1fl(.S, I was always velconic.
u;iIIy pertinent questions and rake notes, hut often
Even at events devoted part to (Icridilig nìaga-
Iii
I clidnt bother to write the story, for a very good
zincs Iikc iine. Case in point: Ann Landers's reason: anything intelligent or authentically infor-
speech tU rue 1aiTlily Physicians Care for America inative W)Uld have i)CCfl OUt of Place in a magazine

76 SPY FEBRUARY 1990

featuring Rent-a-Witch and catfish insurance.
In truth. one ofthe things I most admired about
the peopk I interviewed was their forbearance in
clic tac ot tiy astoundingly dumb questions about
their Irincts, strategies and backgrounds. When
I asked Mullane if he went to the casinos on his
days off, he told me it was against the law for Bally
employees to gamble in Bally casinos. My prepara.
tion was similarly poor for my conversation with
Major General William F. Ward, chicfofthe U.S.
Army Reserve, who spoke to me of the need to en-
list corporate support for our reservists, touching
upon such topics as overseas deployment training
and increased readiness. I asked him about those
people up in Minnesota who were protesting the
use of reservists to build roads in Nicaragua. He
said the demonstrations were abou National
Guardsmen, not reservists, and they were building
roads in Honduras, not Nicaragua.
One day I got a noce from a PR agency encourag-
ing me to call if I ever, for any reason, needed to
talk to singer Carol Lawrence. Recalling that I'd
read somewhere that Lawrence and her ex-bus-
band, Robert Goulet, liad assembled an impres-
sive ceramic-frog collection. I arranged an inter-
view. A few days later I got a call from Lawrence.
We spoke ofthis and that before I finally mustered
the courage to ask, carol. why the ceramIc figs?
"That was Bob's hobby, not mine:' she explained.
In 1987 Governor Edward
land calledat the behest ofhis PR coordinator
tO discuss his "Opportunity Agenda" to revitalize
his stjte. "Let's challenge ourselves to be the best'
he was quoted in his press kit as saying. DiPrete
was just as much of an exciting, fire-breathing
iconoclast in our conversation, speaking of educa-
donaI innovations, tax reform, incentives to attract
foreign corporations, and legislation to curtail
frivolous litigation. This bold visionary spoke of
the Rhode Island dream for a full 20 minutes, at
the end of which I could feel the receiver burning
in my hand, inflamed by the governors passion.
When I interviewed Buck Rogers, the former
corporate VP of marketing at IBM who'd become
one of the country's most frequently requested
public speakers, I was interested purely in seeing
how much of his valuable time I could waste.
Rogers was on a tour to plug his new book, Getting
the Best Out of YorseIfand Others, and his publisher,
Harper & Rnw, claimed lie commanded $12,500
for his motivational talks. Estimating that a
motivational talk, plus a few motivational ques-
tions and answers, took an hour, I figured that if I
could keep Buck on the phone for 20 minutes, I'd
have wasted about $4,000 worth ofhis rime. ïhis
was a piddling sum compared with clic live
minutes of T. Boone Pickens's time I wasted in
1987 talking about high school basketball. But
anytime you have the opportunity to waste S4.000
vortli of another human being's cinc, I sa. gii
br it.
Only once did a frCCl)!e backfire. One night I had
dinner wich Lester Thurow, who publishes best-
sellers, teaches at MIT and used to write an eco-
nomics column for Newsweek. Thurow was plugging
a book called Dangerous ûrrents, so his publicist
booked the two ofus for dinner at the Russian lèa
Room. About 20 minutes into the meal, Thurow
said he had to dash downtown to another appoint-
ment but i could call him in the morning. Then he
asked ifl'd likesome money to help with the check.
"You bet' I said, realizing that I, with no credit
card and Sl2 in my pocket, was expected to pay for
the S70 meal. When he put his 30 bucks on the
table and left (7.ero-s#ni society. indeed, I thought), I ICrazy-like-a-lox publisher
ordered dessert, straightened my tie and scurried Ralph Ginzburq per4orms
a ccicbratory pig upon
Out of there. I've always wondered if I should have
Ihis release from prison on
taken his nioney with me, because ifl'd been caught Lobscenity conviction.
skipping out, I might as well have been hung for
a sheep as for a lamb. Just to be on the safe side,
I've never gone back to the Tea Room (and when
you're in town, Lester, I think you should give it
a wide berth, too).
Incidentally, when I interviewed Thurow I krìv
absolutely nothing about economics, so I stuck co
a tried-and-true series of questions I asked all
businesspeople, whether in manufacturing,
finance, the stock market, real estate or inarke-dng.
the 1983 bull market,
when I was interviewing the VP ofa Wall Street
brokerage house. As we sat in the cavernous cor-
porate Penthouse overlooking New York Harbor
she explained that her company liad no interest in
clients with less than $100,000 in assets - in short,
all readers of American Business.
I tried to make as much small talk as I could, but
í, i;: ,-
1
\
Ai a Florida sta. I shared a zaked herbal wrap with CIas von Bü%u
I neve,. (/Jg/ ?fl)'
FEBRUARY 1991) SPY 77

Fp fil (I1li)( F, 1 Iipip's
when she finally indicated that brass tacks needed
to be got clown to, I opened fire with my
five foolproof, all-purpose fi nancial-journalist
ROBIN LEACH'S FORECAST FOR THE 1990'S
questions. No matter what the interviewee is try-
¡ng to sell, exhort, put into a proper context or ex-
plain the ramifications of, always ask:
i . How will this impact on gold?
2. Will it play in Peoria?
3. Whats the upside
poential?
4_ Whats the downside
risk?
5. Hey, what about the
Japanese?
These are the only ques-
tions a financial journalist
RESTONE ASSOCIATES
ever needs to know. Know-
¡ng them enabled me to talk
convincingly to customs
lawyers, executives from the
Shiphuilders Council of
America, presidents of
artificial-intelligence corpo-
rations, heads of computer-
ized horse-breeding compa-
nies and politicians. i
Af
the
questions. And I usually
got the same banal
answers.
:.:
Important
journalists from ASKING QUESTIONS
important requires a certain
magazines get gumption, but it
thechance ::Q=" doesn't take much
to enjoy IieIy
nerve to embark on
conversation --- -'--' - '- -*'.--.
-V :r.. ,.-
luxurious junkets you
-
(1Ii
lit) S
spy PRESENTS
"Forget the future, when everyone will be fa-
mous for 15 minutes. In the nineties, every-
one will be fabulous for 10 full years! This
swan song of the century will start out hot
and get hotter fast, as the thawing Cold War
and greater friendship between East and
West bring new meaning to global warming.
Then, in 1992, it's Howdy, Gaudí, and Hello,
Dalí, as the greatest world-class athletes in
the world converge (or a ramble on Las
Ramblas in Barcelona for the Summer Olym-
pics. For four years, runners and umpers,
swimmers and vaulters have risked sprain
and strain to train mainly for Spain, and a
chance to test their mettle for medals in this
Spanish city by the sea.
-of course, there'll he some big shots mm-
gling amongst the shot-putters. Look for Mal-
colm Forbes to trade in his Kilmarnock kilts
for Catalonian castanets. He and lady love Liz
will have mucho to make music aboutafter
all, it's not every decade that bells ring for hil-
lionaires in the Sagrada Familia! Can-do de-
veloper Donald Trump will see to ir that the
unfinished drip-castle cathedral is finished
just in time for the nineties nuptialsa cen-
tury behind schedule, but definitely under
budget! And with Charles+Di+Andrew+
Fergie in attendance, you can bet a peseta
that the Forbes fete will be a truly royal affair.
As for the younger generation: The sun-
drenched young girls of the Paris of Spain
will be paying attention to those teen dreams,
exotically handsome Sean Ono Lennon and
dashing Donald Trump Jr., the two-headed
second coming of international playboyism!
As thirtysomething sirens like Madonna and
Princess Stephanie hunger for increasingly
young toy boys, theyll surely reach into this
Mediterranean grab bag and find the pick-
ings very generous!

PF:ZF
'
with the likes Look for Barcelona to set the style, the
.

of the governor have no business be- pace and the pleasures for the rest ofthe de-
of Rhode Island, inga part of. Igot the cade. The melody will linger on in a veritable
the mayor bolero barceloniano as the rich and the fa-
idea for this article,
of Barcelona mous join the rest ofhumaniry in welcoming
and Diane
for example, while ly-
the year 2000 in a distinctly Spanish accent.
ing on a beach in
. -

Sawyer not 'a;JQo.&- 01e?")

to mention Cannes back in Octo-
the president of ber 1985. 1 was there THE MAKING OF "SPY PRESENTS
the United States.
courtesy ofthe French Ener- ROBIN LEACH'S FORECAST FOR THE 1990'S"
gy Ministry, which had been
I. November 1 : We get a coil from Mitch Zomorin,
nice enough to invite me
Robin Leach's publicist
over for a one-week, all-expenses-paid stay in a four-
"Ini calling about Robin Leach. The indi-fat-
star hotel, ostensibly to participate in an interna-
igable, one and only Robin Leach. I was won-
tional conference on high technology. i later found
dering what you thought we might be able to
out my stay cost the French government $5,600. work out. I was thinking maybe 'Robin Leach
The extent ofthe French coverage in our magazines Looks at the Nineties: that sort of thing. You
before my trip had been oddball items plucked out know, he's very plugged into this p,oiivelle socie-
of the National Enqiiirer a story, for instance, t)', he could do forecasts. You know, the same
about an organization ofFrench stutterers trying to people he's covered in the past, he could say
get rebates from the phone company because of alJ where theyll be going in the nineties. lt could
the extra time it took them to complete their calls. even be tongue-in-cheek. Well, with your mag-

-s SPY FEBRUARY 199()


ihi ng ¡is thu juli11 hl [':
azine I guess ir would have to be tongue-in-
cheek! [Pauscj You're not going to make nie
sorry I callcd arc you/ Make fun of me? Ruin
mc out here? I mean, Im just jumping off the
deep end here'
Il. November 2: We call Mitch back to find out
more about this intriguing proposal
We were jilsi wondering u'hai kind of thing
(Robin) would he interested in writing.
"No. Wait. He doesn't have time, nor can he
write anything under his own byline. . . .11
somebody there wants to write something,
you know, for him . . . but he's not a writer. ...
Now, I suggest kind of two things. One is his
look back at the eighties as far as, you know,
how he saw it. I mean, he'll be viewed as kind
oían icon ofthis whole nouvellesociety era....
Lifeslylei aired all through the eighties . SO it'S .
kind of encompassed all that. Um, then ...
something that would be funny is his look
at those people in the eighties, what he sees
for them in the nineties. Something like that.
Um, l'mjusr proposing this, and ifyou're in-
terested, we could pursue it. But he doesn't
have time, nor can he pen anything for him-
self. You see, he doesn't write. . . . Maybe you
could come up with some pretty nifty ideas
yourself."
1)11 he JllggeJI yoll call iii?
"No! No, no, no, no. i called. I'm a publicist.
I mean, I call on my own.'
Has he ever written anything for anyoie else?
"No. Not at all. [Shortly after this conversa-
tion, New York reported that Leach had recent-
ly been asked by editors at Premiere to write a
review of Va/moni and had turned in the work
of a L:festyles staffer as his own; Leach hadn't
even seen the film.1 . . . If you're going to do
this, it would have to he shown to him for ap-
. There's no way he's gonna let his
provai. . .
name be attached to something in the sense
that he wrote it unless of course he sees
. That wouldn't he tOO smart. Although, of
it. . . in Homage io Catalonia, and the mussels at the
course, he has to realize this is something thats
going to poke fun. There's no question about
that....! meanyour magazine! I know what
I'm talking about here. Its not like I haven't
read your magazine. . . So now I'm not gonna
. pics. But nonathletic types shouldn't despair.
pick up siv next month and find my name in
it. . . . i dont want to regret this phone call.
Fear. Definite fear. Okay, SO you'll get back
to mc, then?"
Ill. November 10: We fox Mitch our first draft of
"spy Presents Robin Leach's Forecast for the
1990s'
"In the Roaring Nineties the hip greeting for
the Rich and Famous is going to be Ho/a,
Barcelona! Whatever your pleasurewhether
it be film, fashion or tripping the lights fan-
dango under the Pyrenees - this Spanish
Fi(I(Ì,
spy Üs J1 i LS \\ Il O\'
Pert poised on the verge of a nervous break-
out is hotter than a salsa'spiked mariscada!
The seafaring set will thrill to the harbor
views, and they dont come any fresher than
the mussels at the lapas bars! The whole world
will be watchingand cheeringwhen this
Mediterranean metropolis plays host to the
Olympics in 92. And art lovers will find
much to muse about in DalI's lifelong
playground; dig those crazy cathedrals by
Gaudíanything butgaudy to a Barcelonan!
Indeed, Madrids little sister is a magnet for
bohemians from all four corners ofthe world,
so get ready for plenty of the three C's: cul-
turc, couture and Catalonian charm!"
IV. November 13: Mitch calls us back
1 dont mean to be insulting, but this particu-
. lar . . . it's just not that funny, or clever. . . I
mean . . . he wouldnt want to attach his name to it
as it is right now, but he would ifit was maybe re-
written a little better. . . . He's saying it would be
fine ifit could he rewritten. . . . It could be sarcas
tic, fun, whatever, but I mean, it is spy. This is a
little bland. I'm just being honest. But Barcelo-
nas fine"
V. Later that day: We fax Mitch our second draft
"The twentieth century vilI close out with a
postmodern pastiche that will draw liberally
from the best ofeach decade! Be it a revival of
Teddy Roosevelt specs and trolleycar transit
or a reappraisal ofthe international language
ofhoogie, the Funky Nineties (for isn't 'funky
what postmodernism is all about?) will be
terra terrifica for the Rich and Famous! And
where will it all touch down? Barcelona! This
Spanish POtt poised on the verge oía nervous
breakout is already hotter than a salsa-spiked
mariscada, and a few more visits from Prin-
cess Stephanie and her latest beau can only
make this hot spot hot-hot-hotter! The seafar'
ing set will thrill to the gorgeous harbor views
in the city that George Orwell immortalized
lapas bars are sure to induce tongueasm! And
the whole world will he watching come '92,
when the world's sleekest bodies jump, sprint
and swim into town for the Summer Olym-
Barcelona means never having to deny youre
sensitive. Art lovers, wax your mustaches and
contemplate the landscape as Dalí (lid for so
many yearsyou are his heirs! Architecture
enthusiasts, Puzzle over Gaudis dreamy, an-
thropomorphic structures is that chimney
really shaped like a soldier, or did someone
spike the sangría? Ah, the possibilities, like
my ravings, seem endless! So get ready for
plenty of the three C's: culture, couture and
Catalonian charm!"
VI, November 14: Mitch calls us back
üÍ sorts
"This is to he quite
honest with yoU. . . . We'd
really like it to sound like it authentically
comes from Robin, but this is so, um, hip, like
postmodern pastiche: . . . 'Boogies'? Robin? For-
gel about it! I mean, you guys are hip, there's no
question about it, but, um, you know what I
mean?.. .'Tongueasm'is that orgasm of the
tongue? God, there I am looking it up in my
dictionary, would you believe it?! . . . We don't
want to aggravate you guysGod forbid we
should aggravate anyone at SP . . Anyway, .
we'd love to work something out, something
that sounds more like Robin. Obnoxious it
could he, disgiuting it could be, butnot this
hip. The way he would talk:'
VII. November 17: We fax Mitch our third draft
.
'Iorgct the future, when everyone will be fa-
mous for 15 minutes. In the nineties, every-
one will be fabulous for 10 full years! This
swan song of the century will start out hot
and get hotter fast, as greater friendship be-
tween East and West brings new meaning to
global warming. Then, in 1992, it's Howdy,
Gaudí, and Hello, Dalí, as the greatest world-
class athletes in the world converge for a ram-
hIe on Las Ramblas in Barcelona for the Sum-
mer Olympics. For four years, runners and
jumpers, swimmers and vaulters have risked
Sl1 and strain to train mainly for Spain.
And you can bet a peseta it wont stop there.
From the drip-castle cathedral ofthe Sagrada
Familia to the Surrealist master's sumptuous
concoctions of boiled beans and crippled
lobsters, Barcelona will set the style, the pace
and the pleasures for the rest ofthe decade. The
melody will linger on in a veritable bolero bar-
celoniano as the rich and the fimous join the
rest ofhumaniry in welcoming the year 2000
in a distinctly Spanish accent:'
VIII. December 1: Mitch calls us back
Rohin's out oftown, hut . . Tell me something.
.
I was thinking along a whole different angle al-
together. . . .This just seems like so much fuss,
you know, uh, Barcelona or whatever. They
weren't interested in doing where the people of
the eighties will be in the nineties?"
Bui you said Robin liked Barcelona.
fhe only thing is the wordage. . . . I just think
there's potential for something a lot wittier,
more catchy. . . . You know what I mean? I just
think that with Robin, you could do something
winier, more interesting. He said Barcelona was
fine, but I just wonder, isn't there something
more that they could do?. . . I must be getting
on your nerves already with this:'
IX. December 6: We fox Mitch our fourth and
final draft
X. Vic Damone! We have lift-off
FEBRUARY 1990 SPY 79

presence, I
the president of France's largest computer campa- rooms drinking. I hit the beach.
ny, the direccor general of the French banking as-
sociation, thc president ofthe Frcnch cquivalent of
SOCKITTOME!
;ciìcral Electric and the head of ch French rail-
n
road system. as well as dozens of othcr
w RESPOND TI
h igh-powered French busi ncssmen a
TI:
The seentic Iic lorever
for wo of Belier L esnqs
many, many upscale
advertisers -The Erotic
Art Book Society
(demographics w,thhcld
on requeS? and the
stylish. sophisticated
publication itself.
KO SPY FF.RRUARY 199f)
d'Antibes. the Chinese went looking for better
Despite the manifest ¡nappropriawness of my
tijfl(1 and (lined in the company of
raç suits, the Danes and Dutch stayed in their hotel
When I got back to the United States, nobody
ever conracteti me about writing a story A large
ha rdcover book , Ca/lqiie !mernitiona/: Reheirhe L-t
Fechìo/ogie: La
arrived in the tntul ibout
IRI
-
I\ politicians. In addition to airidre. rhc hotel,
all metls, taxis and gratuities, the French
h'- LIIIalso gave me and everyone ¡ii 4tttendtncc a
special magnetic "memory card" that let us
telephone anywhere in the world. When I
had used up the credits imprinted Ofl the
card. I ust had to ask for another one. 'lue
WI)OlC week, I spent 36.75 of my own money.
lIle conference itself was a joke. I was by no
means the 1Th)St ludicrous invitee (there was the
20-year-old editor ofa Danish student newspaper.
whO came with her boyfriend). Most of the prfes-
sional journalists there were general-interest
writers who Linderstood aImosi nothing about
fiber optics, memory cards or propulsor jet en-
gifles. and the few specialists who did understand
thesc things said the French had absolutely nodi-
¡ng new to say and were merely peeved that they
hadnc got more ¡ress attention fr tiici r versions of
the technology.
But there was still fun to be had. and we had ir.
After the second day. most of the 200 or SO inter-
national journalists stopped going to the (lauly
conferenccs altogether. The Soviets hit the rue
L,II !?eç'ard des Pa;s liuIi,.ctrie/s.
I:,.a,I(L.
a year later, but that was
the last I heard from the French Energy Ministry.
I Jul.'t' 1986 1 RE(.EIVII) 'l'fus I.ET11R:
Dear Mr. Quecuan:
Youre invited, as iurt ofa select group of
male journalists, July 24-26. to experience
the Paim-Aire Spa in Pompano Beach, Fia.
More iiieii rlit n ever a re Choosi ng the "spa va-
cation" as an aiternative to the traditional
respite. in fiict, at the world-famous spa at
Pairn-Aire Iii Ponipano Beach, Fia.. about
OflC (luarter OIIIR)SC 'ho go through the pro-
grani are now men, a dramatic increase of re-
cent years. - - . Today the Spa at PaIm-Aire is a
favorite a mang husi ness executi ves, polifl-
clans and entertainers. (Mike Wallace,
David Rockefeller and many other celebri-
ties are frequent Palm-Aire Spa guests.)
lt rent on to describe the resort's particular nice-
ties, but I had read enough. I called to say I was
very interested in visiting, even though I had some
doubts about just how niuch stress reduction could
be achieved in southern Florida in lareJuly A fc'
days later PaIm-Aires PR representative called
back and said I was the tm/y journalist interested in
going inJuiy, so the tour was being canceled - but
rain checks were beinggiven. The following March
I called and arranged a four-day visit.
In conjunction with nutritionists from places such
as Tufts University, the Spa had developed a two-
week program to change fat pcopks attitudes toward
their bodies and themselves. Ir consisted of exercise,
(licti ng and consultations with psychologists and
nutritionists. It 'as supposed to cost $4,250.
Because I w;tsnt fac, old or wealthy, i looked
somewhat incongruous there. In the locker room,
dozens of flabby rich men would sit around ail day
in the altogether vttching the latest stock quces
from Financial Nevs Network. One day while I was
lying alone in a dark room having something called
an herbal wrap, the door swung open and a voice
asked the attendant, is it too late to have a wrap?'
"its never too late for yim, Mr. Von Büio the at-
tendant simpered. Seconds later Claus himself was
lying next to me, his body swathed in towels. As he
took offhis towel I rus speechless with gratitude to
the public-relations community of America for al-
lowing me - tieer-do-well. reprobate, clown _ to
lie in the same bower of herbal delight as this
 We care
about the i
Iuj nths...
the
next 78 years.
We care about men and women dreaming their dreams,
shaping their futures and choosing when to become parents.
And about babies being born wanted. And we care about
living in a country that protects these freedoms.

PLANNED PARENTHOOD OF NEW YORK CITY

380 SECOND AVENUE NEW YORK, N.Y. 10012 (212) 777-2002

respected )UbIiC figurc and alleged attempted
murderer. But I never closed my eyes.
I also saw (but did not share herbal wraps with)
Liza Minnelli, Brooke Shields and Martin Luther
KingJrs rachcr portly daughtcr Yolanda.
ThE ARCHITECTS OF ALL THIS MAD, POINTLESS
profligacy are. of course, public-relations execu-
tives. Why they so energetically sought to have
their clients documented in our horrid magazines
is still something oía mystery to me, but I do have
some theories. The most obvious explanation is
that few people in public relations ever bother to
fimiliarizc themselves with the publications
theyre wheedling. A second is our huge subscriber
lists. Belier Luìing's onetime circulation of more
than i million made us, inadvertently, the nation's
flìost effective vehicle for reaching the people you
didn't want to reach. Moneysworth's circulation was
also over I mi Il ion , a nd A nerican B,isinejs's was
around 450,000.
But the most plausible explanation is that pub-
lic-relations account executives, desperate to get
their interchangeable clients written about, con-
sider ,w magazine too crummy to approach. And
PR firms also need warm bodies at press confer-
ences. Often I'd be the only business journalist to
turn up at an event; all the others in the room
would be stringers for provincial newspapers, pro-
fessional moochers, PR people brought along to
paper the house. Besides, somebody had to eat the
canapes.
Some may say that all public relations is bribery.
This may or may tiot be true, hut the claim is irrele-
vant in this case. lt probably makes sense to try to
82 SPY FEBRUARY 1990
bribe your way into publications such as Ladk
HomeJoiirna/, The Y1a1I SfreetJournal and Town and
Conniry. lt doesn't make sense to try to bribe your
way into magazines read almost exclusively by
credulous doughnut addicts and trailer-park con-
spiracy theorists. Only about 10 percent of the
time did the (lacks make any effort, postl)ribe, to
see ifa story ran. When they did, I would simply
say, "The publisher bumped or 'The story didnc
have any meat to it or "W&re saving it for the
next issue' or "Ycs When they asked for copies, Ud
say, "l'li send them over as 500fl as the magazines
come back from the printers.' Usually theyd for-
get about it, and Ud forge about it. But if they
did remember and I sent it over, I assume that most
of them clipped the story, crossed their fingers
and hoped the client would never get his hands
on a copy of the entire magazine, complete with
photos ofnaked men and women locked in carnal
embrace.
During my years editing Anierican Business, Better
Living and Moneysworth I continually wondered,
Do theie people know 'what theyre aìing? The ques-
tion was inevitable when the editor ola magazine
that asked its readers "Is it possible o become
pregnant wich your underwear on?" received an
invitation to a luncheon featuring the president
of the United States as the guest speaker. ÇFhe
luncheon, honoring successful women, liad been
sponsored by a company that manufactured a very
popular glue.)
This article was outlined during a junket to the
Berkshires. Some of the early revisions were done
at large, four-figure lunches at swank midtown
restaurants. lt was written using software that
came to me free, in the mail, and was printed on a
computer printer that also came free, in the mail.
But in this cekbration-cum-cxposé, I have
perhaps exaggcratedthe effortlessness - and glam-
ourofmy jOl). Do you know how many times l've
had to listen co a man with tortoiseshell eyeglasses
effervesce about a companys market reposition-
ing? Or how many times l've heard ALto Sprach
Zarathustra accom pany a product i ntroduccio&
How many times l've heard Yogi Berra quoted,
with the speaker always acting as if this were the
first time anyone had ever been told that it was not
over until it was over? No, it wasnt all a picnic. l've
probably liad to force down more dried-out chick-
en breasts and broccoli spears than any non-of}ìce-
seeker in the republic. And Uve had to interview
Dr. Joyce Brothers twice. l've paid my dues.
lithe way oflife I have described appeals o you,
my advice is to get on sorne public-relations mail-
Ing lists ofyour own. Concoct a vaguely plausible
magazine title, print up stationery, claim some ex-
travaganc circulation base and watch the fun be-
gin. Because there's no one out there to stop you.
There's no one minding the store. )
March1988
THE FIL0FAx GENERATION
Theyre always jotting, jotting)
jotting. seemingly intent on
committing to paper every facci of
their existcncc and systemat kai ly
cramming it all bcween the covers
ofthcir bu1gin Planners."
April 9B8
OUR NRE IsstE
Donald 1umpa heck of a
.-. Glamorous Gals . . . Who Nevc
Age. hs Fun . . . co hvc i
Qucens.
May 988
ÌL(UM1 To RAT CITY!
"lt munches concrete, it swims like
a fish, ir multiplies faster than a
rabbit. It can leap from rooftop to
rooftop. it can pop in chrouh the
toilet. lt's Rat: it numlxrs in che
millions.
IJune 1988
COASTERS
"For the worlds Coasters, there is
no stature of limitations on che
rewards and privilcgcs of early

July/August 1988
PARTY (;[vs
success.
.ate?
"Ntghtlile Decathlon. SPY 1i'/' For back issues of SPY, send $4.00 per copy to SPY,
eyes railed the citys most relentless
night crawlers ior an evening and
kept score. And the winner is . . The SPY Building, 5 Union Square West, New York, N.Y. 10003.

.
September 1988 irinkics and Hawaiian shirts u>
LIFI.SVYLE 1LHL! OUR SPEcIAl. Hawaii Five-O.
. Los ANGELES ISSUE
April 1989
Thc sex, the spandex, the pastels,
CFI.ÍIIRITY GAlls.;I
the car phones. the irony shortage I, ,

Coffee grounds of the rich and in-

and dic general uncensored dude-
reroflice memos of the famousa
osity that make Los Angeles a
scicntiìc, sanitary iiid not at all ' C\ C\ C\ C' C'
shrine co vapid fun.
unseemly SPY investigation. 9C9O9C i.

October 1988 [Ç]) y May1989 r TI

1iit SPY 100 I
lv.\\.uc\I.: LU V
Our annual census of the 100 most _________ a
You know her as an Olympic skier. ,, -

annoying. alarming and appalling fashion leader, licensed interior o 'n N

i0ple, places and things. _ designer. hotel executive and wife
u-
-

W
November 1988 to a certain billionaire casino Oper- LU

!L k»; ator from Queens. But of course, o

I
December 1988
"lt's flOt ciìougli for some fcople co
be well-to-do and well known; chcy
need to he well-to-do and well
known and belligerent.
rhcres more. With Ivana, tliercs
a/wayi more.'
June 1989
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"A return co che decade ofthe mood Barbara Walters di(l it. A si'Y audit w ,

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rings, ultrasuede, sideburns and of Faustian bargains, Mephi- .
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disco sex-machine Tony Orlando. stophelian transactions and the n :
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January/February 1989 current hull market for selling -

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Mit. Siiio UOI TO \VASHIEGtON ones soul."
"Americas ten dopiest law- N N N N N
0 00 00 90 90
makersall chose ici favor, say THE FOLLOWING BACK Issuts Att AVAILARt
dub.' }- u- >:u
March. April. September, < a L) O
March1989 r---
1987 O(rnhcr and November only Z<L)
\ k k II«)N& ' s l988 All issues
"How everything in the world
urned funny from Joe Frank I in All issues
t
1989 I

to Jocy Iieathcrcon, Twister to

FEBRUARY 1990 SPY R3
 E JIcLE: iiw iir arc at 'I'he West Side Spirit. Yes, the cvi-
dence points overwhelmingly at the neigh-
horhoo(l weekly with the (free) cireti-
lation of 85,000, distributed primarily
by gusts olwind coming in offthe Hud-
son. Lo'e Leiter.c formar is not gratui-
LOLIS: raved Erika Milvy in che Spirit, and
in flO time at all A. R. Gurney's spare Off-
Broadway play hL(l moved to Broadway.
(Coi ncidence? Don't be naive.) M ilvys
cryptic review of Orphell.f Descending ("My
advice is to let sleeping dogs lie. And
donc ask them co howl") was correctly in-
,:;:. f,! ' ,'.. : ,: , . . .
terpreced by producers as a sign to cx-
tend the run of the Vanessa Redgravc
..
vehiclebut just once. And the fact that
Milvys colleague at tue paper, Brian
M.L xwcll ,called La rry C elba rt's i%lastergate
a "brilliant new political satire" is the
DY HENRY DUTCH HOLLAND only plausible cxplati4ttion for chat cx-
hausting, heavy-handed play's lasting 68
regular performances. Finally, what do
A couple of months back, when thc downtrodden French peas- I..egs Dia,non/, i he Secrel Rapture, The '1 hte-
ants wcrc rising as one on PBSS iile ofTwo Citie. and, simultane- penl; Opera a nd Sit! Caesar & &irn/?any
ous1} New York's oppressed Broadway pro(lLlccrs were shouting liive in common. apart from short Broad-
for the hcad of Frank Rich, the two rebellions way runs? Exactly: flOUC WJS even deemed
R L Y E W seemed brictiv to merge. \1ayI)c it was just che worthy ola review in the influential %Vt«t
O F added ingredicuc ufexcessive holiday cheertoo Sitie Spirit.
R E V I E W E R S
many pink ladies over too few weeks - but it As second-string theater reviewer at
really seemed that Madame DeFarge's ominous thc I!1?ìeI, L.Luric 'Yiner (Ioesnt wield

knitting meant trouble not tor the French nubility but 1,r iIl tl power of an Erika Milvy or a Brian
kumquat-shaped chie(thciwr critics for
The Nezv rk Ti,ne. I.. -

As )'OUil recall, after the 'I7me.c ran

Rich's iiisufliciently gushy review of 'The
sec?.ef Raptire, playwright I)avid I lare
I)ccame his aggrieved pen pal in what
turncd OUt ti) be a very public currespon-
dence. Even that creaky flagship of jour-
nalistic integrity, Liz Smith, souiukd off
in the Daily News, in the process cloning
hersclf for added critical heft ("We have
often inveighed here against the l)wer of
the Times and of Frank Rich . . . ). Har
and the rest of rhc bloodthirsty mob
charged thLt vhen Rich lowers himself
into his chair afld turns on his word pro-
cessor. it's time to strike tin, sct and notify
the investors. ¡n short, the general mood
SUJeStc(l that in the foreseeable future a
Broadway theater is likelier to be re-
named for Joel Siegel than for the cochon
from the 'limes, and the stirring cry of
echoed through
"I.iberit! Egielité! Giissou'!"

the West Forties.

But the multitudes had the wrong guy.
By my reckoning, the critics who really
have the Iover to make or break a cheat-
rical production in New York these days
Maxwell, and irs a good thing. Winer can
be an astute critic, but to hear her tell
it in her review ofthe Roundabout The.
aters production of The Ïènpesi, the drug
plague has spread beyond suburbia, be-
yond rural America and into the realm of
time travel. "The shipwrecked royals en
route to Naples are 18th-century gentle-
men in powdered wigs, skirted coats and
knee breeches' Winer wrote. "The most
jaded ones among them snort cocaine:'
Uh-huh. Paradoxically, in the inner cities
01 late-twentieth-century America, more
and more people are turning tragically
to snuff, and those handsome little en-
graved snuff'boxes" (as they are known
on the street), which used to fetch so
much at auction, now litter every second
corner the discarded paraphernalia of
a terrible nasal tobacco habit. Yo. Pinch.
Check it o/it.
Laurie Winers more than competent
Newsday peer, Linda Winer (no relation),
tried gamely but could not outgush the
New York Pasts Clive Barnes in the battle
of hysterical tributes to Suzanne Farrell
and her farewell performance. Winer
scored points for praising the retiring
ballerina's "limby sensuality' "coltish
guts" and "endless arms' and especially
for her interesting artist-by-association
confession that "for years, City Ballet has
been the place many have gone to re-
member why we got into the arts in the
first place:' But Barnes met the challenge,
opening his review with a simple and elo-
quent "It was her last waltz:' Later on,
this nugget: "lt is an odd thing about
ballet by the time you are old enough to
give your best, the time has come to give
your last!" And finally, to close: "Dear
Suzanne I like to think ofher entrances
rather than this exit, , And this en-
, .
trance , . . Vibrant with the expectation of
the dance, Dance-ready for the long little-
ness ofa night. . .or a career!"
Doesnt anyone sit still for interviews
anymore? Readers of The New York Times
Magazine have lately been treated to a
series of mobile profilees, subjects who
handle steering wheels and reporters si-
multaneously. "Wearing an Indiana Jones
fedora and sunglasses, Russell Banks ma-
neuvers his mint-green Mercedes-Benz
300 D through the streets of Princeton,
NJ.' began one story this past autumn,
On the next page another article opened
with "Let me tell you about Toni, says
Stephen Shapiro, as he kills the engine
of his black BMW 75OiL with the dark
glass, the black leather seats and, of
course, the phone:'
Hastily called meetings must have been
held at West 43rd Streetor perhaps in
cars circling the blockbecause the
make-and-model motif as a way to pull
the reader in vanished from the maga-
zine section for several weeks, Then, pre-
Sumal)Iy while the editor in charge of
Suppression oí Vehicular Leads was on
vacation, the article-starting device re-
surfaced several times in a single issue.
First: "Under the brilliant blue Arizona
sky, an air-conditioned GMC Sierra
bumps along a weed-choked wagon track
near the main road to Kaibito' Second
(with an aquatic twist): "Bill Johnson
kills the engine ofhis ruby-red Mercury
Astro and lets the sleek fiberglass bass
boat drift along the steep northern shore
of the Monongahela River:' And there
was also "As I was driving through Nevada
recently. . ." These last words opened a
foodcolumn, Soon William Satire will be
downshifcing his ruby-red VWJetta GL,
or whatever, before dealing with that par-
ticularly vexing nominative-absolute issue
raised by the pedant from Columbus,
O h io. Vroom, vroom. Next question?
As autumn turned into winter most
self'respeccing magazines and newspapers
began adhering to an unspoken pact pro-
hibiting further variations on the phrase
sex, lies and videotape in their headlines
(see this column, November 1989).
Most, but not all. Long after the movie
had opened, York magazine was still
on a creative roll with "Sex, Lies and a
Gentleman's Agreement" (a story on
Steven Soderbergh and a friend) and
"GRINS, GORE, AND VIDEOTAPE"( a
story on local TV news), really hitting
its stride with "SEX, LIES, AND VIDEO-
TAPE" (a review of The Preppie Murder).
The New York Post all too recently used
"sex, lies & dance" and "Sex, lies and
those video sweeps:' and the Daily News
gave the world "Cynicism, lies & the So-
dal Security system:' "Sex lives and ticker
tape" and "Sex, video and suicide:' Other
late offenders: "Sex, Lives and Videotape"
(Savvy Woman); "sex, lies and the N.E.A:'
(The New Common Good); "Sex, Spies and
Videotape" (Newsweek); "sex, lies and the
1)00k version" (Publishers Weekly); "sex,
drugs, and videotape" (che influential
West Side Spirit); "sex, lies, and celluloid"
(Premiere); and "SEX, LIES AND AUDiO-
TAPE" (GQ). The grace period is over;
play on those words at your peril.
In 1968 New York magazine was
founded. In 1980 Ed Kosner became its
editor, and later he became its publisher.
In late 1989, having finally found, in
Kosner's words, "a writer good enough
to do it;' New York began a regular pop
music column, Sounds. Let's see how che
young (but already highly unpopular)
Elizabeth Wurtzel has succeeded where
all others failed:
"The funny thing about glasnost is that
much ofwhat it lets us see ofSoviet cul-
ture is pretty awful, Rock and roll is a
case in point. Many young Soviet musi-
cians want to sound just like Us, not
Then'
Wasn't that worth waiting 21 years for?
This surely was:
"Poi Dog Pondering sounds like a back-
yard party on Labor Day weekend where
everyone is drinking Rolling Rock and
dancing around in flowered skirts and
Bermudas, shivering in their windbreak-
ers while their bare legs get goose humps
as the chilly air of autumn first sets in:'
Rolling Rock from a can or a bottle?
Because if it's a can, then forget itI'd
rather get the recent Flamin' Groovies
collection. Thatsounds, ifyou recall, like
an alumni fundraiser on Presidents' Day
where everyone is drinkinggrain alcohol
and falling across end tables, sweating in
their tweeds as the first mild breeze of
what will become spring goes unnoticed.
(One track"Shake Some Action"
sounds exactly like someone reaching for
a glass of Knockando on a morning in
July. Go figure.)
Finally, a disturbing statistic from
Variety's regular roundup of New York
movie critics' opinions: recently, in just
one week, Rolling Stone's overassigned
Peter Travers emitted four unfavorable
reviews, three "ambivalent" ones and only
a single favorable one. Steady, now, Peter:
what will the studio publicists do
without you? Does this mean you're turn-
ing into the Frank Rich offilm criticism?
Or maybe the Erika Milvy or the Brian
Maxwell? Time will tell whether Travers
is really trying to bring down the indus'
try or is simply offhis game. In the mean-
time, keep off the snuff, remember that
the best interviews are conducted from
the passenger seat andwherever you
are stay ever dance-ready for the long
littleness of a night. )
FEBRUARY 1990 SPY 85

[lo//y u ooí:c i/d . a i ag
gel .c1'cked
I Y C E I. I A B R A O Y
The Day ofthe Zimmer: "Thc big agencies
are all like animals, raping and pillaging
one another day in and day out"
Sounds like a pretty ac-
' Pt i curate description of an
T H E
IN D U ST RY
agent's day to me. And so
-. It was for the agent who
.;_-
uttered those words, MGM
tycoon Dore Scharys grandson, the pre-
ternaturally aggressive Jeremy Zi m mer.
Or at least it was when Zimmer was
twirling his phone cord as a cen-percenter
at International Creative Management.
The day after Zimmer's remarksat a
local "How to Get an Agent» seminar for
movie business wanna-bes were picked
up by Variety, 1CM chairman Jeff "Ice"
Berg and presidentJim Wiatt told Zim-
mer he was through at the agency.
Zimmer had earlier incurred Ice Bcrgs
wrath by "accidentally" leaking Regarding
Henry, a script written by a client of fe!-
low 1CM agent David Lonner, to Scott
Rudin, now an independent producer at
Paramount and at that time (incidentally)
the employer of Zimmer's wife, Romi
Strtussman. When Rudin bought the
script with a $450,000 preemptive bid,
Zimmer (now a partner at the tiny but
powerful Bauer Benedek agency) an-
gered not only Lonner and Berg but
also Disney chairman Sparky Katzenberg,
Who had a first-look deal with the writer.
When Zimmer's raping.and-pillaging
comments became public, Berg issued a
pious boilerplate disavowal and curiously
followed that up by sending a letter to
Creative Artists Agency Üher/ührer Mike
"the Manipulator" Ovitz restating his as-
sertion that ¡CM, for its part, does not
;ó srr FFBRUARY 1990
act like an animal, raping and pillaging
all day long. No sooner had Berg's letter
been delivered to CAA than a junior ¡CM
agent, Scott Schwartz, launched a recruit-
ment offensive on the clients of Inter-
Thlent (run by exICM agent Bill Block
and exCAA finjas Judy Hofflund and
David Greenblatt). Schwartz spent most
of hiS day calling InterTalent clients (the
agency represents Emilio Estevez, Laura
Dem and Kiefer Sutherland), saying,
"You're underreprcscnted' and "Bill Block
isn't doing a good job for you' So, is it
ripe and pillage if it's done over the
phone? And wilt all this be the subject of a
seminar at the USC film school next year?
I3dCk to the Drawing Board: Based on
che first 15 minutes ofbox office reports,
¡Jack to the Fiagre, Part Ii looked like it was
going to be an enormous hit. There were
some critical gushes, and $43 million
poured in over the Thanksgiving week-
end. The word in the Beverly Hills pizza
bistros was that Universal had scored a
brilliant production-and-marketing coup
by having Part 1!! all lined up and ready
for release next summer.
But on the eleventh floor of the Uni-
versal Tower, things weren't so jubilant.
Research had shown that audiences who
loved Back to the Fntavre would be pro-
foundty disappointed with the sequel. And
at least one executive at the company
shook his head in disbelief at the posi-
tive reviews: "Some of these people have
been reviewing films for too long. Espe-
cially Gary Franklin,Joel Siegel, Michael
Medved andJanet Maslin. The picture
a scinker' he said of his own film, "but
thc critics don't want to be caught pan-
ning a hit. Particularly the television
guys. It makes their management worry
they're out of touch with the audience'
Audiences, ofcourse, decided fbr them-
selves, and by the all-important second
weekend, Pari Il had dropped a ferocious
72 percent at the box office.
At least one man had predicted this
debacle: Steven Spielberg, mentor and
promoter of the films writing-directing
team of BoL Gale and Robert Zemeckis.
During prcproduction on the sequel,
Spielberg argued over whether they should
make one sequel or two; he felt the II
story was thin and uninspired. Gale,
7.emeckis and Universal president Tom
Pollock chose ro make ¡I and ¡Il at the
same time. Spielberg was, ofcourse, right.
See you Monday night at Mortons. alas.
I ._ U 1
i/.)e ,ìiaki,i û] ci calee'//aIia,i
B Y R N G N O R R S
I I
Remember "documenta ries"? Remember
those long, public.minded stories pro-
duced by fully funded news divisions
back in the days before
-c7. E simulations, "magazine'
.....
shows, live infocainment
- lests and Geraldo Rivera?
Well, CBS remembers
or at least it did for a moment or two last
(all. in one ofthe guilt-ridden spasms of
idealism that sometimes grip the wastrel
heirs ofthe Edward R. Murrow tradition,
network executives got it in mind to de.
vclop a coniprehensive five-hour series
on the world environmental crisis. In-
tended to be as global in scope as the
greenhouse effect itself, the monumental
prime-time OPUS was set to do nothing
less chan wake a sleeping ?iation.
Feverish preparations began. A bud-
get of several million dollars was (Lis-
cussed. The respected veteran producer
David Browning was put at the helm of
the vast effòrt. And as if to reinforce the
message that here was a project worthy of
CBS News in its glory days, the network
gave curmudgeonly old-timer Robert
"Shad" Northshield. the creator of Sun-
day Morning, a deputy role. Painters and
carpenters went to work fashioning an
office for the project. A support staff was
assembled in New York, its members
abruptly reassigned from less pressing,
less historic tasks. Ready...
There were a few small problems, of
course, but nothing insurmountable. For
one thing, Northshield (known as Shad
the Mad by co-workers familiar with his
rages) started terrorizing other people's
secretaries, shouting You work for ,ne!
whenever he sensed that his grizzled-vet-
eran-hood wasn't being properly revered.
 Whcn Northshield cried to confiscate mind you l)Ut in the entertainment-pro- Donaldson and Diane Sawyer are pulling
une vice presidencs entire staff Brown- gramming area. Convinced that it musc the show in opposite directions. The
Ing decided ir was time to act. Hou' woiId be the shows on CBS after the news chat pretentiously literary Sawyer, who likes
)liII like io (, to Zi»,bahz'e?. B rown i ng bad been turning viewers away fr011) his to congratulate herself on a successful
askedNortbshicld, naming one of the broadcast, he demanded and received broadcast by saying ¡t hadthe texture of a
documentary's most remote locations. from CBS chairman Laurence 1'isch the novel, has a fondness for soft human-
Old Shad accepted the offers possibly resignation olKirn LeMasters. the nomi- interest stories, while the pretentiously
tantalized by the prospect of exercising nal head of the ncrworks entertainment grity Donaldson is comfortable only
Kurrz-like sway over a profoundly iso- programming. But don't expect CBS to with the hardest sort of bard news. That
laced jungle Procluctin crc With his crawl out ofthe cellar anytime SOOn. The Sawyer often prevails in this philosophi-
network.producer-issue safari jacket architect for much of the prime-time cal battle may be due to her tradition of
cleaned and pressed, he plungcd into lineup at CBS was not LeMasters anyway, l)ower-1irting with her higher-ups. At
but the self-styled master programmer the White hOUSe It was press secretary
darkest Africa. Get iez..
Then. in late October with cr-ws al- Tisch. Ronald Ziegler and Nixon himself. At
ready it place CBS it was Tisch and
around the globe 44
the ambitious, oily
second-banana- j4 president Howard
::
:,
q_____ Stringer. At ABC
made-good David ::i '

Burke, CBS News - her toadying is

:::

president. had an A manifested nlid-

III

eleventh-hour reali- V 1 day walks with

C'est kwàú-trö my tüv. news president Roone
zation : 1/t,ii a ììipziite.
¡bu 1 CBS We doù
V
a- Arledge. These
J ur-nees ende en lüv-rrs meetings schmoozy strolls may
hauìe iiy nniey!
When Burke ah- Ore sew le Bard doth saye also account for the
ruptly canceled the Kwàií-trö et ta red-redde ras hiring ofjay Schad-
project, executive
producer Browning
reportedly threw an
el)iC fit
manded that some
and de-
..- Complet Le purr-fek daye

Kwàñ-trO
V
lii', kwtS-trO my tüv
¡1)y

Az we li en eech üthers arms

, I
1er, a 40-ish white
male correspondent,
a show that
already has two
of them. "What
one vise break the Kwáñ-tra my tüv, kwàií-trO my liii' 've need a Primé! 'ii,ie
news ro his dedi- .. Abuv aile-n -en-E charmz insider cold me,
V
c S a hip young
cated, far-flung foot -'Y' ' 'I.,

soldiers. But recallS C'est Kwäñ-trO onde rox. woman, maybe a

ing the troops did --
black. But people
not prove easy. With here think that Di-
their lines of corn- ______________ ane doesnt want the
munkation hope- I
competition'
lessly overextended There is one arena
and their network :. - which the jealous
I I)

commanders in full
.
( -----
retreat, whole bat-
talions of CBS ein-
ployees including
Northshiekl's Zimbabwe crew wandered
for days in the forests and jungles, fighting
to get a story that had long since been
surrendered. Given CBSc disarray, it is
not inconceivable that sorne producers
may still be out there somewhere. shelter-
ing in caves and foraging for tiuts and
berries.
Dan Rather. CBS Fz'enìng Neu's
chief newsreadersorry, managing cdi-
tornow in a perpetual fir over his be-
loved broadcast's permanent second-place
standing, demanded changes in the net-
work hierarchy. Not in thC news division,
A knack for internal chaos is not hm-
ited to CBS. Staffers at ABC'S Primélirne
Live (who say they "laughed until they
cried during the particularly inept
Thanksgiving broadcast) report that ex-
ecutive producer Rick Kaplan just cant
make up his mind when it comes to
choosing stories, Local network bureaus
fear the arrival ofone ofKaplans notori-
ously disorganized teams, who are famous
for commandeering inordinate numbers
ofvchicles and l)l)Ofle lines in their helter-
skelter pursuit of pseudonews.
Ir doesn't hell) matters any that Sam
(and, thanks to mod-
k-di. is' ,N-w',ik,N.Y.. em technology, eu ri-
_4
À!. /\I - i'M-)
ously Asian-look-
log) Sawyer truly lias
nothing co fear: scriptwriting. According
to people on the show, she composes with
unequaled slowness. While Donaldson is
said to tap out scripts with the speed of
a tabloid newshound. Diane likes to cavar
the process ofcreation, often locking her-
sclf in her office for hours on end and
later emerging, drawn and haggard, with
her two- or three-sentence introduction.
The fact that her little cele-poems haven't
done a thing for Pri,,iuFm,és ratings doesn't
faze Sawyer at all. Just zi'tiIt till we're ip
again.ct reruw, she has taken to telling skep-
tical acquaintances. ihen yoiillsee. b

FESRUARY I99OSPYa7
 -- I ISI » ri
I)o,ia/r/ I;-//m/) h(),I5 /'/. OU 1/ I'ï)
%J)e(id/ di31i/eï (JI .cei
BY JOHN SHAFT
Onc death, three broken backs, one se-
vere COnCUSSIOn and two other, s!ighdy
kss serious injurk,s: that was the final ca-
sualty toll when the Trump
t____
Castle Worki Povcr Boar
sp O.R;TS Championships reached
\
tlwir glorious, bloody close
\__;/
/1
\ when the boat's batteries came loose. Yei-
last October in Atlantic
City True to Donald Trumps reputation
for doing the unprecedented, the death
marked the first-ever fatality in 20 years
ofNewJersey offshore racing the inevi-
table conclusion, perhaps. ro a week of
horrible weather and questionable plan-
ning and supervision. Yet despite one
competitor's warning that "there will be a
mass svalkout it he ever holds another
race Trum!) was heard voicing plans not
only to SpOflSO another speedboat con-
test but to host the Americas Cup. As a
review of last fthl's race 'i!l (lelnonstrate,
tl)IS is ari exciting prospect indeed.
A ye-ar ago, when Trump announced
he would sponsor the ron rna-
ment, a leading driver (Jtlesttoned the
wisdom of moving the race from the
placid, protected waters oli Key West,
Florida (which had been its U.S. home
for rhc 18 years), to the North
Atlantic (luring hurricane season. [rump
brushed aside these grumblings
even used the weather scare as a drawing
card for spectators, promising in an open
letter to racing fans, "This week the fierce
October sea becomes a battleground for
some of the fastest boats in the water as
they challenge nature and each other."
Later, when the battleground was littered
with bodies, Trump would claim that the
88 SPY FEISKUARY 1990
violent waters lied gleefully predicted
were "atypical.
On October 17, despite occasional
swells higher than eight feet, the long-
awaited races began. As did th carnage.
On the first li(I), Stefano Casiraghi, hus-
hand of Princess Caroline of Monaco,
missed the first turn and plowed through
a field ofspcctaror boats at over 70 mph;
he was blindly followed by five members
ut the Italian ream. (Casiraghi protested
his disqualification afterward ,clairning
the turn 'as poorly niarked.) Elsewhere
on the course, John Antonelli 'SSpir it of
rticd 30 feet tritt) the trouth of
...111).!(.(( 1)1.1
an oflcOfliiIlg wave. (Antonehhi and two
crew niembers suffered identical fractu res
of the lumbar vertebra.) 'flic 'hi-unip-
sponsored 'Ia,n ILS'À, piloted by Don
J ohnson. hicl steering problems and nearly
sank. It finished in seventh place.
By the end of the first day of corn peri-
don, OUt of a field of 60 boats, 4 had
sunk and only 27 baci finished the race
.1 truly remarkable statistic, even for a
have an empathyfor Dona1d"
DonJohnson Io// one papei: '\V"hai
people C/Of! realize is Dona/cl
ir sensitive to the hiinian condition"
high-risk pseudosport dominated by ex-
cessively ta nned, speed-crazed playboys.
From Wednesday until Friday, gale-
force winds battered nie coast, forcing
the cancellation of the midweek races
and bloving avay a number of the tents
pitched to protect the million-doUar pow-
erboats. Well-connected boats such as
PopeyeJ Fried Chicken were allocated irc-
clous space in the 'Frunp Castle parking
lie garage, and their crews were put up at
the hotel upstairs. Less influential teams
(whose entry fees had contributed ro the
championships' prize money) had to man-
age for themselves. Don Johnson stayed
on boar(l the '1)7/mp Pri,iceji nd spent the -
week 'orki ng high-roller parties and
shilling the baccarat tables for his host-
cniployer. "1 have an empathy for Donald'
J ohnson told an Atlantic City nevspaper.
'1-Ic takes a big rap, I think unduly . .
What people don't realize is Donald is
sensitii.'e ¡li the hiiììian co,l(/,t,o,i:'
But tìüt too sensitive, as Trump proved
l)y remarking midway through the may-
hem, "I liare ro sound overly optimistic,
hut from a truly cynical financial stand-
point [the relentless rain) niakes it a bet-
ter event for the Castle. I just walked
through the Castle atl it's booming in
therc' irump's luck continued to hold
through Sacurda 'hen race ofhcials, ncr-
VOUS about the dark horizon, canceled
yet another round. Back inside the bus-
t hing casi no, Michael Redpathi rhc veteran
racing ofhcia! hired to legitimize Trumps
hastily f()r(fle(l Atlantic City Offshore
Power Boar Raci ng Association - repeated
his boss's line of the week: "These
weather patterns are unusual for this rime
of the year
On Sunday the last possible day for
racing an abbreviated "storm course"
'as set up. On che first lati, DonJohnson
and Team USi\ were forced to drop out
X-Pies.c ofSaddle River, Newjcrsey, took
the lead briefl) before bcin flipped and
then crushed like a l)eer can by a wave;
both driver and thirotcicnian were hospi-
talized. Farther our at sea, a mile from
the starting line and the "worlds largest
video screen" (erected by Trump to serve
a projected 1 million spectators, most of
whom never materialized), the boat ièam
Skate;- bounced off a wave, landed nose-
first and l)arrcl-rolled. landing upright
killing the driver, Kevin Brown, insttntl)
At the awards cc'rcnioiiy which Trunp
wisely fiuiled tO IttCfld, and during which
his name was booed - there was no of-
ficial nention ofthc death. Even some of
the winners were disgustcd. 'l'hiank God
they'll never have the world champion-
ships here again' said Robert Schug, who
took the Class C trophy. Bob Metzler,
another driver, said. 'Having the race in
Atlantic City was an irresponsible move,
but money speaks. The ceremony was the
crowning touch'
No fitn of dreary postmortems. Don-
aid Trump focused on thc future,
envisioning t.ir niore prestigious mari-
time catastrophes. Of his plans to bring
the America's CU[) race to New Jersey.
Trump recently told an interviewet, "From
what I understand, the waters off Atlan
tic City arc virtually perfect:' )

u bony horseback, Sancho Panza rode an ass. In
AC ROSS
17. Muse rearranged Ç'peculiarly").
20. Sounds like Paris idyII
27. Minisoiils rearranged ("somehow"). When
ever I read about what an amiable, folksy lei-
DOWN
1. While Don Quixote tilted at windmills on We frf.dtogetthe
the interest of solidarity with the average
staff to say "GOOd
reader, let me emphasi.e that I do not for evening, madam,"
OflC moment deny that I am sitting here on but they kept saying
mine, too.
6. To peruse is to read, and the opening of You
"Hi, how are ya?"
Cani 'Thke Ii Wiih You is Y.
8. The original clue here was "Game of mu-
tuaI maswrhation but that seemed coarse.
Lets be frank. The Claridge may
Now that I have mentioned it, though, it
00k and feel European, but the staff
gives me an occasion to c.uote a passage from
g

is definitely Midwestern. Well-

low Ronald Reagan or George Bush is, I think
ofWill Rogerss 1926 interview with Musso-
uni. In 1926 Mussolini had been running
Italy 1ìscistically for only four years, and
many Americans somehow found him re-
freshing, from a distance. Still, it is hard to
understand how Il Duce could have deceived
old Will SO thoroughly. "Dictator form of
government is the greatest form of govern-
ment there is, ifyou have the right Dictator
wrote the celehratedly democratic Rogers.
Well, these folks have certainly got him. ...
I told him that I knew lots of Italians úVCt
home and that I wanted to have sorne mes-
sage for them. Well he laughed and put his
hands on both my shoulders and said in En-
glish, You can tell èm Mussolini, R-e-g-u-l-a-r
G-u-y. - . - Mussolini no Napoleon, want fight,
always look mad; Mussolini laugh, gay, like
good time same as everybody elsemaybe
more so, and he winked....
'This Guy keeps on getting better all the
time. . . . Some over home say a Dictator is no
good! Yet every successful line ofhusiness is
run by a Dictator'
Business was big back then before the
Depression, as it is today. If I werent tied up
in thIs l)UZZle, I would write a book called
Galloping Capiialisîi. In New York Newcday's
City Business section recently there was a story
explaining the demise of Mi. as a monthly
magazine. Here was one paragraph: From
its origins under Gloria Steinem, it had a his-
tory of advocacy,' said Joel Kushins, media
director at Bozell Inc. 'You didn't want to po.
Sitiofl your advertisement adjacent to editor-
'I'he New York Times that I have long wanted
scrubbed. Cheerfully outgoing.
to quote. lt is from Christopher Lehmann-
Haupt's April 21, 1986, review ofDeath of the
We've learned to deal with it.
Soul, by William Barrett. Here it is:
Part of the reason for my suspicion is (Bar.
rett's] heavy-handed way of illustrating his
argument. In one exami,k, which even he
admits is "at plain ¡tfl(I grotesque as possi.
ble he asks the reader to imagine that you btRiDiEI:KJìEI:
are approaching a moment of tenderness DEARBORN PARKWAY
and passion with the woman you love, but
for a moment you stop to reflect that theo-
ON
\jJ
retically you can treat her words and 1244 N. Dearborn Parkway
Chicago IL 60610
caresses as ifthcre verc no consciousness
Call 1-800-245-1258
or mind behind them." He concludes dra'
maticaily, That way madness lies!' Yet why
should we be impressed when the issue
of consciousness is no more important to
lovemaking than it is to herding swine' KNOWING YOU HAVE
Mr. Barrett's example is unnecessarily sen-
timental. lt isa tlourisholrhetoric behind DIABETES ISN'T THE
which one senses the religious proselyter. END OF THE WORLD.
Well, I am no fan of proselytism, but isn't NOT KNOWING
the issue of consciousness important to
lovemaking? have never herded swine;
1
COULD BE.
maybe the issue of consciousness is inipor- Are you experiencing blurred
tant there too, but surely it is lesa important vision? Are you over forty and
there, at least to people. Call me unnecessarily overweight? Is there a history of
sentimental, but more and more often, as this diabetes in your family?
"conservative" era advances, I read statements See your doctor.
that startle me and make me wonder, Shouldnt Because what you don't know
¡1)31 aI least be prefmed by "Letr fate it" or can hurt you.
sone-thing? )
A message from the
's C 'R E 'W 'N G 'A 'R O N Amerlcui Diabetes Association
I.aI2I2I:! I.!LI.!
I 'U

ial that was loud and took strong positions.'"

A bad sign when business interests become
so blithely up-front about the immiscibility iIiIi
rWOFORTEA 'ADIEU
!.I!
'INSIN bIRTYPOOL
of marketing and free speech. Didn't this
Kushins even say 'Les face it" or something? iiIIISL
'3RAT 'bEAs
IRI.
NUS
II.
Every so often someone is surprised that I, a
IAIE .g.Ii
h'
freelance writer, have never incorporated my.
self. Maybe ill did, I could say I dont want to
NITSIPARR CI DAL American
Diabetes
I!IL PLI IIII ,, Association,
position myeditorial next to advertisements z
GNORANU" ET
that are loud and take strong positions. But 1ISIA lIA !.ILIA For more information caB 1-800-ADA-DISC
hey, l've always figured live and let live.
29. The head ofdead is d, followed by nou.'bere
rearranged ("strange").
i
'CORN 2iUSSOLINI
'lEITIT!E
iL . EIS
Iì
P
OIWINIHIEIRIE
In Virginia and Washington D.C.
l-703-549-1500

Iliis advertisement donated by the publisher.

FEBRUARY 1990 SPY 59

 J a I L_ I-I LI
\ i : BIlLkueI/ ¡akes his (((l 1i
I I J 1' I I
ïome ¿ter 1/1CK 1 11uie5 'eiîna i)aì.
BY HARRY SHEARLR
Several hundred blue-smocked inmates
have ust filed into tue jail auditorium of
the Sybil Brand institute for Women,
tucked it the un(ashion-
\ able hills east of Los An-
F A S H I Q N geles. They are about to
t_
be the audience for a very
special entertainment ex-
travaganza. But even to those still be-
hind the prisons purple and peach bars
("Theyre always painting something
around here," says a guard, to keep it
looking nice"), word seems to have spread.
'What is this?" a young blond inmate
from Boston asks the sheriff's youth co-
ordinacor. The inmate is sitting right be-
hind che equally blond law enforcer, only
a single row offokling chairs describing
rlì line between who gets to leave after
the ShOW and who has to stay. "The Mr.
Blackwcll show," the sheriff's youth co-
ordinator answers. "Mr. BlackweU?" the
prisoner says. Are you kidding?"
"Mediocrity and complacency run for
cover when Mr. Blackwell makes his en-
trance." Were reading now from his press
packet. And he's not kidding. "He lights
up the sky. He flashes searing comments
across the heavens." Best knownor
more accurately, only knownfor his
Worst Dressed List, a life-style-section
editor's perennial that brightens the post-
holiday news holes every January, Mr.
Blackwell had until a few years ago treated
the matronly customers ofL.A.'s Bullocks
Wilshire to semiannual fashion shows of
his own latest designs. "He is a rarity," the
press kit reminds, "a man who completely
understands the fern i ni ne mystique."
You know the mystique: sequins, frills,
90 SPY FEBRUARY 1990
flounces, bugle beads, slits-that mystique.
Tonight Mr. Blackwell has hauled a
closetful of mystique into the gals' yard,
the little big house, past the bathed wire,
past a locked cabinet labeled CONTAMI-
NXIED WASTE, past the deserted Hobby
Shop. And the feeling that permeates the
auditorium once all the inmates have
taken their seats is a combination of high
school assembly a nd Bob - Hope-brings-
Angie-Dicki nson-on-board-the-U.S.S.-
coral-Sea. In fact, ifyou closed your eyes,
you wouldn't know this crowd was female.
They do the Arsenio bark, they're as in-
t
nocently rowdy as sailors on near beer,
and whenever a man appears - Blackwcll's
publicist, for example - they whistle and
whoop their approval of his maleness.
It's a big night for Blackwell's publi-
cist, former actor-model Michael Sands
("You can use me in your story," he as-
sures me before explaining Blackwell's
upcoming trip to the Soviet Union,
where a publishing house, he says with
a straight face, is very eager to publish
Blackwell's memoi rs). Another of Sands's
clients has just dropped by the correc-
donaI facility, and we're introduced.
"This is Dr. Stephen Pincus," the publi-
cist says, smelling double-barreled column
inches. Dr. Pincus, it turns out,is a pias-
iic surgeon who's done plenty of work
behind prison walls. But thats the past.
"He has a new technique called lip ad-
vancement," Sands enthuses. "k's going
to he the biggest thing for women with
thin lips, much bigger than collagen im-
plantsyou know, like Barbara Hershcy.'
Before we can explore what the good
doctor puts into, you know, like Barbara
Hershey's lips, or wherc he gets it from,
Mr. Blackwell does a show biz trot onto
the auditoriums humble stage. He flashes
his diamond rings and tells a joke "The
only way I could show off my last good
season in the dress business is to pick...
my. . . nose!" he says, mock-picking with
the right pinkie. Then he launches into a
piece of ipecial material the show biz,
not the rag biz, variety: "L000vep-ison, it:f
chic anditr camp. . . . 'rhat's why this designer
is a tramp!" Backed by a well-aged musi-
cal trio, Blackwcll is Rex Harrison-ing
the song. He's walking the song upstairs.
He's bugle-beading the song.
And then come the clothes. A black
model, the favorite of the 50 percent
black crowd, struts out in PurPle. "A litde
thing I whipped up for hooking," Black-
well jokes. Then he introduces a model
with a sentence that has within it a mini-
series: "This is Mark. She was lead show
girl at the Lido in Paris for years and
years and years. And here she is today."
An audience of young female inmates
is not necessarily easy to please, but it
does know what it likes. lt likes red.
These hundreds of girls wearing the
(lu liest-blue, loose-fitting uniforms holler
and applaud especially hard for any red
dress, even for Blackwell's red vest. The
decor here at the Sybil Brand Institute in-
dudes some subtler colors in the red
scale, but real red just might arouse the
criminal passions. Tonight, however, the
gates are down. A prisoner behind me
yells at Carolyn, the model draped in
crimson, "Wear it, girl. Wear that dress!"
Remember the peculiarly late-seventies
phrase gender bending? That's whats going
on here. First the inmates confound one's
sense of how women behave, but then
there's also Mr, Blackwell careening
across the gender-stereotype line from
the other direction. "This look works.
Ask me how I know," he says. The crimi-
naIs comply."Because I wore it last night!'
"Here's Richard. He's my arranger, my
conductor,' says Blackwell. "He put this
whole thing together, and he is one of my
very best friends." After jokingly offering
up each of the other musicians to the
man-starved audience, he adds, "But you
can't have Dick. Ask me why." They do.
"Because"and the voice drops to a
provocative growl - "because he's ,nine!"
Part ofthc charm oía Mr. Blackwell is
the way he tiptoes on the median strip of
the genderway. A trademark line in his
Shows. always uttered just as the chiffon-
jest, most diaphanous piece of glitzkricg
emerges onstage, is "If I were a woman.
th is how I would want to enter a room."
Tonight, behind the purple and peach
bars, his grip on the conditional is defi-
nitely loosening. Carolyn comes out in a
black gown, and Blackwell confides,
"Would you believe I could go straight
for that."
Like the architect who must dream up
cities as well as buildings, Blackwell de-
signs not only fabric but also the flesh
beneath. "I have lifted everything from my
toes to my nose. How do you think it
looks - $22,000 worth?" They give him the
applause he's asked for. "I had liposuction
in my stomach. They took some of the
bulge out, and I didn't want to waste it,
Now, I used to have the flattest fanny in
town. So I had it taken out here, and put
and now I have the cutest fanny
back there,
in town. What do you think?" (We think
it urnrks,)
What reminds you that this is not in
fact a noontime assembly at Rocky Hor-
ror High School is the sudden appear-
ance ofsome inmates on the stage. Three
previously selected prisoners are plucked
from the audience to get up and sing.
Another one has been awarded a full
beauty make-over, 15 minutes of makeup
and a rainbow-colored gown that will be
kept in storage for ber, along with the
cosmetics, pending her relcasc.
And now, as Paul Anka said, the end is
near. Wanda, one ofthe singing inmates,
presents the designer with a commemo-
rative plate in appreciation of his visit.
There's one last moment to savor. As he
only visible he-sheriffin a jail full of si-ic'-
sheriffs gets up onstage to master ri-ic
closing of the ceremonies, the women yell
"Song!" at him, And he responds, good-
naturedly, "Sorry, I only know one song:
'Please release me. let anego ...." In a county
where a significant percentage of the
sheriff's antidrug task force is under
investigation for siphoning off seized
moneys, this is a most welcome glimpse
lt che goofier side of sheriffing.
l'he inmates are longer an audience.
fl()
They have re-formed as a line of prison-
ers waiting to be returned to their cells,
We few visitors are whisked by, and at a
point where the hallway narrows, a dep-
uty barks at the inmates to stand closer
to che wall to let us through. lt's not the
Arsenio bark she's doing. Showc over.
I_ J
CLOWN?
Or atzarchogue;'ri//a liberalor
oJyouth?
BY ELLIS WCIN(R
The bad boys of one's youth nor the
bad-bad ones, who Swatted books out of
kids' hands and smoked in the bathrooms,
hut che good-bad ones,
l'i O W T O those wise guys constantly
B E A threatened with having
G R O W N . U P
things appear on their
permanent record where
arc they now? I ask because i cannot sec
the 1)uml)er 407 as a page number, a dig-
ita! time, a flight numberwithout think-
ingofeighthgrade, Phil Scalia ai-id a cam-
paign of mischiclmaking chat, while
feeble by today's standards, burned the
figure into my nice-boy's consciousness,
whcrc it will remain for the rest ofmy nice-
grown-up's life.
Yes, mischief. True, the word is an em-
barrassment today, combining as it does
the no-longer-credible innocence of Tom
Sawyer with the never-remotely-credible
warmth of Diane Sawyer and the all-but-
incredible cuteness of Forrest Sawyer.
(Why drag Forrest Sawyer into this? Be'
cause in a healthy society, a man with his
name would not read ABC News briefs
he'd work in a lumber mill. Every sur
name would be descriptive outs bearer's
trade and modified by a first name denot-
ing that job's principal objecte.g., chef
de cuisine "Veal Cook' ethnic-breakfast'
food preparer "Bagel Baker' Roberta pub-
licist «Roberta Flack") Today, of course,
mischiefhas given way to. . .well, crime.
Youthful misbehavior encompasses every-
thing from narcotics distribution to vol-
untary manslaughtei and "Boys will be
boys" has yielded to 1'he boys will be
cried as adults'
But back in [96'í mischief was still
CLASSIFIEDS
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Figure price accordingly (see prices, belon'). On que#.
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ad ¡ire ii two lines, Pleiie include your daytime phone
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ATTORNEYS
TAKE US 'fl-i COURT!
t,t play in NonhJeney.
CHASE & CHASE ESQS. (20!) 3436555.
MISCELLANEOUS
ØEAUTIFUL, educated. English-speaking. ASIAN WOMEN scrk
11Cc rclitionihip. Gcnuine, traditional valucs. ßuxhu,r «C SOI)
Ieavts no doubt. (203) 544.57I2 BLUE HORIZONS, Dept.
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PERSONALS
RWResue me Thkc me away to a land o( Seiche,. pyramids &
scary food before I turn into another one oÍ those loathsome.
whiny New Yorkcrs XOX.DCW.
Ken & Carel: Jo,ous marrise together Love. Marcy k &ew.
Johui R. Y. Uro. oure too cool to stsy n LA. Come basA to NY
and play! Macton R.
Dully, Sancella - Dont say I never got yout names ,nco SPY.
Ncfcrtceni With Cairo a-go-onc and the Sph,ns lin,,. co back to
Chelsea from Oseops (or a melokatmatic b,rthdaze. Wuv woo coo.
The Loser
Mt. KerlcyGoKLAZY...SCL.
Natty Im so glad our relationship is blosoomi,tg. I(you w.inc mc.
semi mc flowers. Stinkwccd.
Mom: Happy Vakntinc's Day. Michael.
DRH - Lra,'c s,,m hcv( stew loe mr
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riflRt:ARY 1991) SPY 91
credible. So when Phil Scalia took to
scrawIin this provocative numeral on
blackboards, everyone wanted to know
what ir meant. Select individuals vere
told in stage whispers after enclering
vows of confidentia1ic) Cognoscenti in-
yoked it with knowi ng leers. Combi ni ng
a potentially dirty punch line (by then
anything secret 'as potentially if not
probably, dirty) with a rigorous in.group/
out-group (lichotoffly. it was catnij) tO
OUt hormone-ravaged, peer-group-tyran-
nized sensibilities. I was more or less dy-
ing to he let in on the secret.
Not that I asked. Its creator was toc)
charismatic, too dynamic, too (in the
eighth-grade sense) glamorous. This was
the kid, after all, who led sniall teams in
shoti ti ng the nonsense sylla bics ¡3a-rroom!
in the cafeteria (in open defiance of the
rule against the ShoUting of any syllables
whatsoever) and coord i nated synchronized
pccil ClrOj)5 in various classes.
This wasn't innature or anything, be-
oday. ofcourse, niischicfhas given
way to . . . we/I, crime. "Boys wi/I
be boys" has yielded to 'The boys
ivi/i be tried as adults"
cause Scalia was smart and got good
grades. Had the same stunt been tingled
i)y OflC of the less smart, more smart-
alecky dudes who in high school would
(lttC the prettiest girls and later would
grow p to he Lee Atwater or Dan Quayle,
l'EI have disdained it and felt superior
in the process. But Phil Scalia validated
subversive messing-around for good stu-
dents. He was, as teachers said in the
fifties, an "instigator' whereas I was in-
capable of instigating SO much as a
(;hit)ese tire drill. Did I take part in these
ietcil drops. nudging and giggling in an-
ticipation ofthe ecstatic moment? i dont
remember. But I hope to God I did.
As for 'íO7 I wonder today not at its
code word "meaning" but at its illeaning
As an atìarchoguerri!ia action against
the forces of public-education-al tedi u zn
92 SPY FEflRUARY 1990
it stays with ¡ne ïn a way others have not.
Admittedily, I -as mute with admiration
when proto-Belushi Arthur Levy dashed
into classes in progress and scribbled the
word orgasm ou the board, then ran away
(to where? Was he cutting class? What
guts!); yet toda)' i hardly ever think ofAr-
thur Levy 'hen I think of orgasm. Sig-
nihcaiirh though, 407 endures and for
reasons ti)at have everything to do with
how to be a grown-up.
lii creating a tantalizing enigma out of
a number that might otherwise have Ian-
guished in obscurity (at best i might
l)ave known an ephemeral fame for being
two formulas shy of a household clean-
er), Scalia fashioned nothing less than
a work of primitive conceptual art. It
forced us to confront the (luestions cx-
plored by adult artists in more sophis-
ticated forms: t%re we ¡tupid? crin we fig-
¡ire it o,a? A re we cool enough ¡o ilieril being
told? The number disrupted no, trans-
formed routine school consciousness
arR! its prefab lessons, its rote systems
of Syfl)bOl and explanation, its quiet ho-
miliation at the knowledge that one did
not own any Cox Moore sweaters.
The grown-up, if he is to be himself
and not some other guy, must resïst insti-
rotions that seek to infantilize him the
kind of organization represented in
school life by school and in postschool
life by Lee Atwater and Dan Quayie.
Thus, with the creation of 407, did Phil
Scalia strike a blow for all eighth graders
who wanted to be grown-ups when they
grew UI).
Granted, the lesson of 407 (Don
afraid to be creative and goof around and
sin/I) is that of every grand-finale nom-
ber of every MU1)pet movie ever made.
But it is no less valid for that particu-
larly considering its actual meaning,
eventually disclosed to me by iione other
than the artist himself. i was flattered; i
wasnc, after all, oiie of the with-iL adven-
turesome kids. I \VS just a nice boy with
big ears shown ro disadvantage l' a
J ohnny Unitas crew cut, a tonsorial nov-
elt' ac ross which certain girls fOund! t
amusing to rub their hands. I therefore
remember (luire clearly the moment when
Scali-a swore me to secrecy, leaned in and
let me i n on the secret of 407. '«'hat did
it mean? 'Nothing he whispered.
Big deal, right? But if Duchamp did
it, you'd chuckle and swoon. You'd think
it was genius.
I/yOU eau'! say something nice.
(I(i?/I U-'OVî)' ahrIIII it
BY ROY BLOUNT JR.
Eric Zorn of the Chicago 'fl'ihii has
sent along a clipping froni that news-
pape with the following headline:
STUFFEL) G,RFIELD DE-
THE UN- FLECTS BULLET, SAVES
BRITISH I
So as flOt tO (Irag
GIRL.
C R O S S W O}
the actual child involved
pu z z t. E
into smarty-pants corn-
mentary, I will change her naine:
CORPUS CIIRtSI'I, icxs A stuffed comic
Garfield attached l'y suction cups to the
(t)'.'
-incIov nl faniilys jicku truck dctkctcd
t
j gunshot and saved a five-year-old giri from
5C1200s injury, police said.
i\iaria Lopc. stitlereci Íromn facial cuts Sun-
day night when oK- window was shaucrcd by
the .22 caliber bulk-t. POIi(( dont know who
fired che shot.
Police said dn- I)UIlCt apparently changed
direcdon whcn it struck the sutfcd (aríic!d
be
toy
And now, an excerpt from Zorn's version
of "the story as it might have rd-ad":
"Just two days ago. '.-e had a stufl1 Gartickl
toy soirt U)fl-CU1)f)Cd right u p against tue win-
dOW where the buflet came mn' ricÍ- SOL)bCd
so r ikcn Pa nc ho I_Of)t/., i hubcap nt in-
tenance -nozineer.
'But then wc read Roy E3fount Jr. in the
September 1989 sPY f le said Garfield isn't
1unn hc- isn't cng.oIng, he isno like a ca.
said G;orticfth in t}w window vcre a stupid
craze, with it.tlics Oit llipk/, and said he
doubted people vfio) had hcm were collcgc-
educated. We took the cat down. Ir would
lav saved her
\Vc wanted only the bcsc for our little
girC adk-ol J_oex, who h;os becim
working t'.'o jobs so that Maria, their oniy
child, might someday attend college. '\Vc
tried so hard to be sophisticated - for her
l)('nefit. 'rlots why we SUl)SCIibc(l to
 Blount, busy skewciing other trends and ACROSS
the simple pleasurt's ofsmple people. could
foc be reached (or comment.
So. Perhaps this puzzle has been guilty of
elitism. This isn' a puzzle of the people.
1, 5. Wasting time on
promiscuity? (8,6)
iuiiu::ii
u.....
This isnt a puzzle that knows the lottery
number, or what the new sitcoms are, or
lo, Couple in their cups d....
what Trix Fruity Frosted Corn Puffs with have British tête-à-tête. u u u
......u... .
"New! Brighter, Fruit Colors!' taste like.
This puzzle never saved a child's life.
Perhaps this puzzle isnt big.business
(3,3,3)
il. The last thing to say
.....
.... d......
enough to provide simple pleasure. To-
day, corporations package and broadcast to a French god. (5) u... u
.
u
simple pleasures, to maximize profits, to
tax the ingenuity of junk.bonding raid-
ers who are scheming to leverage those
12. Where couple resides
without benefit of clergy. ......
iuuu uuuuuu
corporations away IrOn) the raiders who
leveraged them away last year.
For the example of weird processed
(2,3)
13, Cheating where
u.....
a..... uuuu
food above, I went to the nearest super- the unwashed swim.
market. "They're cutting off my water' a
(5,4) 29. Where does the livery. (9)
shopper was saying. '1 have to buy water.
I'm an old lady from Chicago. I have to 14. What you last thought answer to this go, 8. Game for twin hermits.
buy French water for $1.79 a bottle?"
about in college, and deadhead? Nowhere (6,9)
wha 1 and 5 Across and strange. (4,4) 9. Blonds have this?
drugs seemed like at the J ust over a tiny fraction.
time. (5,5) DOWN (4,4)
17, Birds down under 15, Patronizing a
muse peculiarly. (4) 1. What Sancho was restaurant with unusual
19. Critics pick them, doing while the don tea, in inflammatory
/ . )(T b U" monkeys too. (4) tilted, and what the condition. (6,3)
20, lt may sound like a average male SPY reader 16. Dime made oddly by
"I tell you what, lady' said the man-
romantic interlude in is doing right now. one who can neither
ager. "I'm from Chicago, too. Go to a
momand-pop store, get some Naya water, France, but to parents (7,2,3,3) speak nor do dumb show.
American. Same size bottle, $l.19'
it's fatal. (10) 2. Cheers for underparts. (4,4)
"An honest man from Chicago,' she
said. "From you I'm buying all my noo- 22. 1, Gus, embrace (5) 18. Decapitated physician
dies and butter."
weird Roman numskull. 3. Would we hear has nothing on old racist
From The New York Tirnei:
(9) message in bit of sylvan category. (8)
5 MiI.LION POUNDS OF BUTrER
MELTED IN WAREHOUSE BLAZE 24. Where scene is shot, music? (8) 21. Canter dementedly in
CAMBRIDGE, Md. - Firefighccrs sloshed
through five inches of incited butter in in beginning. (5) 4. "No!" Koppel observed. hypnotic state. (6)
battling a warehouse fire that burned out of
control for nearly 21 hours. 26. A foot-sore source of (5) 23. Burr in so the Duke's
More chart 300 firefighters from Mary- oak. (5) 6. Prepared to peruse the right-hand man . . . (5)
land and Delaware had co contend with slip-
pery floors and a dwindling watir supply to 27. Minisouls somehow opening of You Can't Take 25. . . . finds Ghostbusters
put out the blaze. . .whcre food was being
stored for shipment to Poland and the Soviet made the trains run on Il With You. (5) gunk in crooked smile.
Union.
time. (9) 7. Vague around one in (5)
This puzzle can't compete with that kind
28. Put golfing device in
ofoperation, but here you can melt a few
words and slip around in them. place on couch. (6) The answers to the Un-British Crossword appear on page 89.
 FEEDING TIME At this year's March of Dimes Gourmet Gala at The Plazas which annual-

.
¡y provides a way for a flock ofrestaurarit-fed people to put on aprons, roll U their sleeves
and cook,jm/ like regularpeople do!, (1,2) vife-beacing chump Mikc Tyson (lips flapjacks
with and 001)5! i»zft, oil-rich lèxas housewife Lynn Wyatt; (3) and joyless punk mil-
lionaire Donald Trump shoves a superspecial tip-top Trumpburgcr into former jour-
nahst Barbara 1/alterss celebrated mouth.

Additional Cover Credits: Hair ond groomng Hiro

and Greco for lii Coupe. Suit: Armoni. Tic Hermès.
Barbara honk is represented by OIM Head. Cover
background: Berenholtillhe Stock Morlcet.
Pog. 4: Patrick McMullen (trio).
Pag. 1h Sipa (Bush); APiWide V*rld (Rothe(; Frederic
tewis, nc. (groundhog); H. Armstrong Roberts (blizzard).
Pag. 12t AP/Wide World (Monson girls).
Pag. 24: jim Smeal/Ron Galelks, Ltd. (Hannah); Ron
GolelIa, Ltd. (Penn); Morin Gs3rnier (LPone(.
Pag. 25: AP/Wide World (Trump).
Pag. 28: [d Toylor/FPG lnterrrotional )You Ate Thee
bockgmound) AP/Wide World (Exxon Valdez).
Pag. 30i Bob Evans/IGI (Smith); Photolest )Bek,shi).
Pug. 32: Frederic lewis cons); Sara Barrett )Monheit).
Pog. 34: APIWde World (Rosenthal, Flynn); (C) Thomas
Vidoq 1984 (Kominsky); Pictorial Parade Berra); Marina
Gamier )Mehto); Ron Galella, Ltd. (Mandel); [ittl Donnie
Ray lHelmsley Kitchen).
Page 36: Chuck Pulirt/Star File (Springsteen).
Page 37: FPG International (mime(.
Pug. 41 t Photolest (matchmaker).
Pag.s 47-48: Sera Borren (storefronts)
Peg. 49t Photolest (prison background); ßrod Morkel
(llt
Page 50: Pbotoíest (prison background); Terry
Ashe/Sygmc, (Milken head).
IIFTHEYMADESAUSAGEINOZ...(1) At
Pag 51: Jonathan Levine (Kravis) P*totofest (prison -an event iflLcIidc(l to generate
.

background); obn Chiosson/Gommo.Lioison (Milken

bead).
publicity for the newly gilt-en-
Pog. 52: Terry AsheiSygmu (Milken beodo. crusted Plaza hotel (where one
Pug. 56: Manna Gornier (Steínem(; Pictorial Pomade
10011) has been rechristened Le
(Dietrich); Patrick McMulfon (Barbie).
Pug. 57: Marino Gamier (Schiano, Ootes McFadden); Petite Tria non). su rgically retrofitted li.
© Ann Summo/London Features International (Boy
George); Smeol/Ron Golello, Ltd. (Evans); Ron Cabila,
censed decorator turned metaconcierge
Ltd. (Buckley); Culver Pictures. nc. (Elizabeth I); IValla Trump inStrUCtS felloW power wife UNINVITED GUESTS Out-
Abbott/London Features International (Divine); Photofest
(Tweery).
Geôrgecte Moshacher how to pose for sidc the church where
Pags 58: Patrick McMullan (Borrows. Haskell); Peter photographs the way top models fashion designer Caro-
SavignanolRon Cabello, Ltd. (Reagan); Phil
Roocis/Photoreporiers, Inc. )Mdler(; Marino Gamier
(k) it by pivoting one super- lina Herreras daughter
(Henderson). skinny leg an alluring Ana Luisa was being
Page 59: Smeol/Ron Gabbia. Ltd. (Hall); Marino Gamier
(Zilkho, Mirabella, Von Vooren); Photoreporters, lac.
45 degrees to one married, buffet grtzer
(Princess Anne); Patrick McMullon (Lachmnan(; Røn Golello, side. (2.3) Ivana, once and Uherpaparazzo Hy
Ltd. (Nichols); Gary Bernstein (Rcogon(; Darlene
Hammond/Pictorial Pomade (Goldberg).
Stilironfisted top ski Simon discussed the
Pag. 60: Marino Gamier (Putmart, Boss, Mashocher instructor, has a semiotics oftodays gar-
Toubman). Anthony Savignarro/Ron Galefla, Ltd. (Roehm.
Minnelli(; Patrick McMubion )Trump(; Darlene Hommond/
knack for attracting ishly excessive society
Pictorial Parade (Collins). willing pupils she weddings with befud-
Peg. 61: James Colbumn/Pbotoreporters, Inc. (lauder);
Dave Hagan/IGl ) 1987 (Davis); Marino Cornier
seems to have given Bar- (lkd passerby Murray
(Rhodes, DahI, Regine); Jomes Smeol/Ron Calcha, Ltd. bar-a 'Walters l)011ft ers on Kernptort.
(Van Fumstenberg. Miller, Reynolds); Phil
RoochlPhotoreporters, Inc. )Ebert(; Patrick McMulbarm
how top wives and models make effective
(Campbell, Rivers). and memorable little waves ofthe hand as
Pag. 63: Ron Golello, Ltd. (Kempner(.
Page 64: Rose Homimnan (Kenipner; Culver Pictures,
i f to say, Shoo. liti/e per,pk. (4,3) La ter tha t
Inc. )sem..'ant(. night, super6t Ivaiia really goes for it on
Pag. 65: UPI/Bettrnann Newspbotos )Kempners).
Pag. 66: Culver Pictumes, Inc. (servant); Rose Hartman
the Waldoris dance floor - could a
(Kempnem(. Czech-stylejazzercise video be in the off-
Peg. 67: Rose Hartman (Kompner(.
Pag. 68r Kelly jorcjarjRon Galella, Ltd. (Kempnem);
¡ng? Ivana, after all, once told a
Culver Pictures, Inc. (ser.tnt). reporter that sometimes. on nice
Page 69: Culver Pictures, Inc. (rhino); Chase Roe
(Kempner).
days, she ualks che
Page 77: UPI/Beflmann Newsphotos (Ginzburg). three blocks home
Pog. 79: Chris DoughertLGl (teoch(.
to Trump Tower

I
Page 94: Anthony Savignano/Ron Galello. Ltd. (Tysor;
Ron Cabila, Ltd. (trump(; Patrick McMullon (Trump with ,
from her Plata of-
Mosbacher).
Pag 95: Mary AlIenlNice Press (Christie's auction);
fice to "get the fresh
,,
Patrick McMullan (Ertegun, Heotherton(.
.

air and the nice

exercise."

j,.. SPY ll:HRl,R\ l))i;

 CORRECTION Party
Poop has had it
wrong Joey
Heatherton is not
a singer-dancer-
shut-in-tigress-
survivor. Sh&s a
singer-dancer-
shut-in-spider
monkey-survivor.
spy regrets the
error.

TURKISH DAFFY (i) At a Lincoln Center City Ballet tribute

tojerome Robbins,wily Atlantic &cords chairman Ahmet

Ertegun delights blowsy gossipeuse Suzy with an old-
world (acial massage: Ertegun simply rolls the od girl's
head between his hand and his bald scali,. And (2) a lit-
tIe later, evidently having convinced the bnign Lady
Slim Keith that she is not at a charity benefit but in fact
on Leñ Make a Deal,
Ertegun. with the help
THIS END UP Ac the Christie's sale of Robert of his vife. Mica, plays
Mapplethorpe photographs, the auc- Monty Hal! by rum-
tionccr learned that in moments of unex- iluigi ng th rough Keith's
pected anxiety. a dependable nervous gig- purse.
gle and a lair ol cuff ltiiks to fiddle with
are a tremc-nclous hclp.

Hopped up ahou
lions he will [X
having three exrr
dumb hooks oi
best-seller list sir
taneously (Dtri
Steel's Daddy, Nr CHEEK TO CHFFK, BUT OT EYE TO EYE (i) Perhaps presag-
cy Reagans My 7 insthe separation that enabled their friends to be-
and Sidney Sheldc gin the new decade muttering ¡ioldyouso, No-Brow
Sane/s of 'ihiic), r fashion designer (see page 56) Mary McFadden
to-bosomy-clirty1 and her ex-child-groom-to-be, Kohle Yohannan,
writers Mort Jar studiously avoid making eye contact while danc-
does a bit olbreak ing. (2) At the Waldorf-Astoria, social-climbing
ing outside Le Ci fixer Peter Tufo and his wile, Francesca, only have
(Did he learn ti eyes for the walls, too. (3.4) And when teensy over-
from disqualifì leveraged billionaire Henry Kravis dances with his
[ronman contend heavily subsidized working wife, Carolyne Rochrn,
er iIter Monheii he gets a good view of her neck, and she is forced
spy's own mes- to contemplate his retreating hairlineunless he
senger/critic-at- contorts his neck backward and looks Up into her
large (inset)? eyes.

I'IflRLAR\ 1990 SPY 95

 è,qi

TmL
--- .\-

I-
I

: 41
I

)
!:'
, i Ag

-I_I-lE: II1I%I ErI-U!,

read the headlines in our New, improved New York, where Grumman F6F He//cats catapuI offihe deck ofthe recommissioned aircraft carrier
Intrepid in search ofdrug dealers who prowl the avenues and mean streets ofthe West Side. And when thefly-boys on recon spot a nomadic band
ofcrack-and-ice.peddling urban marauders, a Jzv bursts of machine-gun fire render the streets safe and sightly once again for tourists and neigh-
borhood residents alike. But the gunners ofthe 1ntrcpid SCNS 'Street-Crime Neutralization Squadron) never aim to kill; they have strict orden
merely to scare the dudes and dudettes. To scare then farther west and uptown. Toward, say, NcwJersey. )

96 SPY FEBRUARY 1990

 ?

1,

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A:t.:
T:
: ;
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 Colour so rich
you can feel it.

HYDRA-RICHE
Hydrating Creme
LipColour
With the very first touch,
luxuriate in brilliant your lips will
colour and shine.
Hydra-Riche feels
creamy, smooth and remarkably
Tests prove that thiswears so evenly
.
formula hydrates, extraordinary
noticeably softer, leaving lips
smoother,
added plus, protective silkier. Its
sunscreens.
All this could only
luxury of Lancôme's be concealed in the
signature case. lt black and gold
discreetly
a beveled tipfor4he opens to p

perfect
application of vèry affluent
French shades.
Now rich is so much
more
than just colour.

ooI

[I]