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When
the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and
proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They
agreed that it was.
So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook
the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then
asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the
sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students
responded with a unanimous "Yes."
"Now", said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this
jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your
friends, your favourite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The
sand is everything else - the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or
the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small
stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to
the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be
time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things
that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the
entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. When
he had finished, there was a profound silence. Then one of the students raised her hand
and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the beer represented.
The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how
full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
A little girl walks into the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the
paper."Where does poo come from?" she asks.
Her father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult
questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and
then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is
poo."
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and
then asks in a little voice:
Pulled a mussel...
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push,"he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember,
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
The drunk replied, "Over here on the swing!"
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his
office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you
worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and
that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -
Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that
we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance
man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"
" No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Again, whispering, the child answered "The search team just landed in a
helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"
..................
....................
........................
...........................
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex
together.
let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'
'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.
Cilla complies with the routine.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'
but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the cow stole ma wallet !'
# 12-01-2007 11:40am
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm, "I'd like to buy a horth", he says to the owner
of the farm.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf
to show him the horse’s eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the
dwarf to show him the horse’s teeth.
"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but
again picks up the dwarf to show
him the horse’s ears.
"Nithe eerth.' He says, "Now...can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf
up by the scruff of his neck and shoveshis head deep inside the horse's private parts. He
holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her
wun awound?"
I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One set shows
Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS.
Receptionist: The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle
Of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her.
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made,
and everything was picked up.
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods,
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that's on my desk.
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Chelsea and sees a card advertising for a
Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre oppo sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is. OK the job
entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of
their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam
and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the
gynaecologist's examination.
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape
completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly
beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily:'That's incredible -
both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are
meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back,'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on,'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine
survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs
half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman,'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her
grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a
heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex
would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we
figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was
just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the
Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck
hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
'I remember you now' the man replied, 'I'm awfully sorry ...
It was that drunken Stag Weekend about six years ago in Newcastle , I made mad
passionate love to you in that hotel bedroom while one of the lads was hitting me on the
bottom with a frozen kipper !!'
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.
The second, from Birmingham, responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon, from Edinburgh says, "No, I really think librarians are
the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Belfast, chimes in: "You know, I like
Construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts
leftover."
But the fifth surgeon, from London, shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head
and the arse are interchangeable."
A bloke was leaving the paper shop one morning when he noticed a most unusual
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed
by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a
solitary man walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 men
walking single file.
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 59, but known to vary 50-88.
Discoverer: Adam
Occurance: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in
Suburban and Rural areas.
Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered with painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
7) Undergoes unpredicatable spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps).
Chemical Properties :
1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a
certain point.
5) Repels cheap material.
6) Neutral to common sense.
7) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses:
1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
3) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Tests:
1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2) Turns green when placed beside a better / younger specimen.
Caution :
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one.
An Essex girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a
killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The girl says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says…….. put all these Frosties back in the box !!!.
An Essex girl and An Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices
something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.
She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why
doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on
it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies,
"Well, oim a little bit tick, you see. The one with the R is for me
roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers ave
got C&A on them."
# 02-23-2008 07:30am
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have
special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole
month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband
obviously very depressed "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor
inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the
required month ... " the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will-
power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to
abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,
reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One
afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to
pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there."
admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Homebase
either."
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is
washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she
touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds,
maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is
sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's
worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The
nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says,
"I think she choked."
A bloke keeps ringing me up and singing Prince Charming and Stand and Deliver down
the phone. I keep telling him to F**k off but he's adamant
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes straight to hell where Satan is waiting
for him.
"Hmm, I don't know what to do here" says Satan, "You're on my list but I have no room
for you, but you definitely have to stay here. Tell you what I'm going to do. I have three
people who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you will have to take
their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves, but your choice will be FINAL."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. Satan opened the first room. In
it was Ted Kennedy, and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over,
gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do
that all day long."
Then Satan led George to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and
a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and
more rocks appeared.
"No!" said George, "I've a problem with my shoulder and would be in constant pain."
Satan opened a third room and in it was Bill Clinton, lying naked on the floor with his
arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him
was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief and finally said, "YEAH, I can handle this."
Satan then smiled and said, "Okay, Monica, you're free to go!"
Preparing to write a cheque so she goes into her purse to get her pen and pulls out a
rectal thermometer and tries to write with it,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat she says "well thats
great, thats really great"
An Irish woman has just been chucked off Who wants to be a millionaire for
masturbating,
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the
produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the
smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of
fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.
Apologies in advance...
A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the
following questions.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the
mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !'
And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what
happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, ' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the
husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady
here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on
her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very
dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion I brought
her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you
wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in
moments.'
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was showering I
noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she
needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was
your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found
the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her,
and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use
because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in
her eyes and said, ' Please .. do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
FEMALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of
mysterious, fertile deltas.
- Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade,
especially for those with stacks of money.
- Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of
her beauty.
- Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant
destination to visit.
- Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes
of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.
- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold
climate puts off any potential visitors.
- Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but
without a future.
- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its whereabouts,
but no-one dares to venture there...
MALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe: ruled by a dick...