PO Box 2199
QUEENSLAND
BUSHWALKERS
CLUB Inc.
Newsletter
Happy, Clean and Dry Walkers after Northbrook Gorge
Club News
Abseil Training 6 November 2010
QBW held another abseil training day on the cliffs at Kangaroo
Point on this Saturday morning. Trevor Davern, John Brunott,
Anne Kemp, Kerry De Clauzel and Trevor Smith supervised a
basic abseil training for several of our members plus 10
members from Gold Coast Bushwalkers and one member from
Redlands.
Beside the basic training on the “nursery cliffs” and then the
higher cliffs at Kangaroo Point there were also instructions on
self rescue. This turned out to be very helpful for one of our own
members who got into difficulty on an abseil at Kinnanes Falls a
week later. Luckily the member was able to get out of an
awkward position.
More abseil training days are being scheduled for early next
year. These training days will usually be held shortly before an
abseil in more remote areas.
If you do not have your own abseil gear, Club members can
have the use of the Club ropes, harness and accessories for a
small charge.
Many thanks to our instructors who gave up their time and put in
so much effort.
Wine and Cheese Social 19 November 2010
16 of us set out on a Friday evening to Shailer Park looking for
good company, good food and good wine. That we certainly
received at the home of John and Lynn Brunott. It was a nice
way to end the working week.
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Sunnybank Hills
QLD 4109
Email qldbwc@yahoo.com
Phone No (07) 3341 7509
http://sites.google.com/site/qldbwc/
December 2010
John Brunott and Dave Kenrick supplied some great vintage
wines to test our palates and Lynn provided some tasty
cheeses, dips and fruit to compliment the wines. It was a
spectacular spread.
I personally enjoyed the Wolfblass Grey Label 2004 Shiraz. I am
sure we all had a good night sharing stories and having a few
laughs.
Thank you so much to John and Lynn for this fabulous evening
and good hospitality and thank you to all who attended to make
the night a great success. Lynn Nicol
Draft Outdoor Recreation Management Strategy for
Brisbane's Natural Areas
Brisbane City Council has developed a draft Outdoor Recreation
Management Strategy to meet demands while protecting the
values of these areas. Activities covered by the draft Strategy
have been grouped to include:
trail-based activities (bushwalking, cycling and horse riding
node-based activities (picnicking and nature study)
water-based activities (fishing, canoeing and kayaking)
navigational activities (orienteering, geocaching and
rogaining)
specialised activities (rock climbing and abseiling)
For more information go to http://www.brisbane.qld.gov.au/envir-
onment-waste/plans-projects/Draft-Outdoor-Recre-
ation-Strategy/index.htm
 General Information The Management Committee
Meeting Place President Gil Gunthorpe 0408 980 694
Club meetings are on the first Tuesday of the month starting at Vice President Noelene McCay 3889 0264(H)
7.30PM. There is no Club meeting in January. Secretary Sue Ward 3844 6389(H)
Meeting are held at the Little King's Hall on the corner of Carl Treasurer John Hinton 3343 3724(H)
and O'Keefe Streets, Buranda. Entry is via the gate on Carl St.
Outings Officer David Haliczer 3879 8334(H)
There is parking within the grounds and in Carl Street.
Membership Officer Geraldine Burton 3376 9454(H)
Tea/Coffee and cake/biscuits are provided after the meeting. A
coin donation would be appreciated. Editor Richard Kolarski 3341 7509(H)

Membership Social Secretary Lynn Nicol 3219 6228(H)

Probationary Membership Training Officer Stuart Mackay 3890 8196(H)

A non-member automatically becomes a Probationary Member

on his/her first walk after signing the waiver form. There is no
Other Voluntary Positions
fee payable to become a Probationary Member. Equipment Officer David Rae 3395 1838(H)
However a Probationary Member must become an Ordinary Supper Convenor Mary Sherlock 3209 8514 (H)
Member on his/her second walk by filling out a Membership Librarian Noelene McCay 3889 0264(H)
Form and paying the membership fee.
BWQ Rep Stuart Mackay 3890 8196 (H)
Ordinary Membership
BWQ Rep Richard Kolarski 3341 7509 (H)
A person may become an Ordinary Member by filling out and
signing a Membership Form, having a proposer sign the form
and handing the form with the membership fee to a committee Campsite Monitors
member or walk leader. John Brunott Ballows, Paddys Knob
The proposer may be a friend (who is a member of the Club) of Kerry de Clauzel Throakban, Barney Gorge and
the applicant, the leader of the walk that the applicant is on, the Lower Portals
Membership Officer at a Club meeting or if the Membership
Ann Kemp Spicers Peak (east & west)
Officer is not available, one of the committee members.
Richard Kolarski Running Creek Falls
An Ordinary Member has the right to vote at an AGM or be
elected to a committee position. A Probationary Member has Barbara Makepeace Rat-a-tat, Spicers/Doubletop saddle
neither of these rights. Rum Jungle
Members of Another Bushwalking Club John Shera Panorama Point
Members of another bushwalking club which is affiliated with John & Julie Shera Mt Superbus & Rabbit Fence Jct
Bushwalking Queensland Inc. (or an interstate Federation) and Lower Panorama
who are covered by the same Insurance do not need to become Ken Walters Mt May saddle & Paddy’s Plain
a member of our Club to go on our walks. However Club
members will have priority if there is a limit on numbers.
Editors Pic
Club Equipment
Compasses Topo Maps GPS's
Emergency Lights First Aid Kits UHF Radios
The above are for free use by members.
Contact David at 3395 1838 or email david.r.rae@gmail.com
PLBs with inbuilt GPS
The Club has 5 PLBs with inbuilt GPS. The PLBs will be made
available at each Club meeting and will need to be returned at
the following Club meeting. Contact Richard on 3341 7509.
Abseil Gear (ropes, harnesses, helmets, karabiners etc.)
Ordinary Members - $5.00 charge for use of the Club rope and
Tiger Snake
another $5.00 charge for use of harness and accessories .
Probationary Members and members of affiliated clubs - $10.00 A photo of a tiger snake recently seen on a walk was sent in by
charge for use of the Club rope and another $10.00 charge for David Haliczer.
use of harness and accessories. Tiger snakes are found in southern and eastern Australia. They
Contact Trevor at 0411 512 202 are usually around a metre long but can grow to 2.1 metres.

Back Pack for Hire $5.00 charge They do not always have striped markings, as the markings can
change due to the seasons and the age of the snake.
Contact Trevor at 0411 512 202
Tiger snakes possess a potent neurotoxin (notexin), coagulants,
Bivy Bags For Sale $3.00 each or 2 for $5.00. haemolysins and myotoxins, and rank amongst the deadliest
These bivy bags are 2 metres by 0.9 metres and are bright snakes in the world.
orange in colour. Use as a pack liner or emergency bivy bag.
Contact Patricia Kolarski on 3341 7509. New Members
Space Blankets For Sale $2.50 each.
Jim Woodyatt Julie Woodyatt
Light weight and take up no room at all. A must for all walkers!
As at 30/11/2010 we have 86 financial members
Contact Patricia Kolarski on 3341 7509.

Page 2 of 8
 Special Coming Events
QBW New Year’s Party 31 December 2010
Margie Rae invites Club members to celebrate the New Year
together at the Rae residence.
You are welcome to set up your tent in the backyard or there will
be some beds available indoors if you prefer not to drive. Bring
your togs if you would like to swim.
Bring meat and drinks for the evening barbecue starting 7 pm.
Salad will be provided.
RSVP 29/12/2010 3395 1838
Tasmanian Hikes 29 December 2010 to 14 January 2011
I am leading two exciting extended hikes for a group of up to 6
hikers after Christmas. The first hike will be the Precipitous Bluff
Hike following the Moonlight Ridge trail to Pindars Peak and
then on to Precipitous Bluff (affectionately known as PB by
Tasmanians).
This is followed by a descent to New River Lagoon where there
is some wading expected before joining the South Coast Track.
This walk will take place over 10 days to give us time to smell
the roses along the way.
The second walk takes place from Lake St Clair where we will
catch the ferry to the Overland Track and hike up to Pine Valley
Hut. From here we will ascend into the Labyrinth area and camp
up near Lake Helios or in Big Gun Pass. We will then make our
way over Falling Mountain back on to the Overland track.
For both of these walks there is an extra day factored in as a
rest day or a day to wait out bad weather should there be any.
For the last two years the weather has been very mild and
sunny over this time.
If you are interested, please contact me on 0432 901 030 or
email me at d.a.haliczer@stpeters.qld.edu.au Dave Haliczer
New Zealand Treks February March 2011
In February/March 2011 I will be leading a number of treks in
New Zealand. In the South Island around 26th February the
walks will be the Wilkin – Young Valleys Circuit Mt Aspiring and
then off to Rees – Dart track. Both are 4-5 days in length. These
walks will be based out of Queenstown.
In the North Island leaving from Wellington around 12th March
we will be doing the 5 day Whanganui River journey and then on
to do the Tongariro Northern Circuit over 4-5 days. We will then
travel to Auckland via the Coromandel Peninsula where we fly
out around 26/27th March. One/two cars will be hired out of
Wellington to provide the transportation.
Contact Dave Rae on 3395 1838
BWQ Photographic Course 19-20 February 2011
BWQ is partnering with professional photographer Rod Pforr in a
Bushwalkers Photographic Weekend covering the essentials of
digital photography at Mt. Barney Lodge.
Rod Pforr, Australia’s leading image mentor presents a unique
photography workshop for bush walkers. Bring your camera and
learn how to place on pixels the challenge of the Australian
bush.
Rod has put together a general course plus optional add-ons
specialising in various aspects of photography.
Please book and pay directly to Rod Pforr for the Photographic
Course. Download a booking form and full price details are
available on the web site at:
http://imagementor4.com/events/bush_walkers
You can phone Rod on 07 3821 6494.
Please book and pay directly to Mt. Barney Lodge for
campground, hut or house accommodation at:
http://www.mtbarneylodge.com.au/
A flyer will be available at the Club meeting.
Page 3 of 8
What Skills Does A Walk Leader Need?
Thinking about becoming a leader but think that it is beyond
your skills? You don't have to start off with an off track walk
which requires map and compass skills. You can ease in with an
easy “urban walk”.
Many of our members appreciate an easy walk now and then to
relax, socialise and just for the variety.
Below are some helpful hints to help you get started and then
maybe progress to intermediate and experienced leader.
For the Beginner Leader
Start with an urban walk. which is usually a very easy walk on
well maintained tracks in a Council Park or Reserve. No
navigational skills are required for these walks and in case of
difficulty, help is available within an hour.
Track map brochures which include details of the tracks, special
features of the area, things to do and safety tips are available at
http://www.brisbane.qld.gov.au/environment-waste/bushland-
waterways/natural-areas/track-maps/index.htm for:
Bayside Parklands
Boondall Wetlands
Brisbane Koala Bushlands
Chermside Hills Reserves
Tinchi Tamba Wetlands
Karawatha Forest
Mt Coot-tha
Toohey Forest
Whites Hill Reserve
For the Intermediate Leader
Try a graded track walk in a National Park or forest.
Descriptions of walks and simple drawn maps are provided by
the Queensland Department of the Environment and Resource
Management (DERM) web site.
Just for Lamington National Park there are maps and
descriptions on the following walks
Python Rock — 3.4km return
Morans Falls track — 4.6km return
Box Forest circuit — 10.9km return
Toolona Creek circuit — 17.4km return
West Canungra Creek circuit — 13.9km return
Albert River circuit — 20.6km return
Caves circuit — 5km return
Tullawallal circuit — 5km return
Gwongoorool track — 6km return
Lower Bellbird circuit — 12km return
Daves Creek circuit — 12km return
Coomera circuit — 17.4km return
Mount Hobwee circuit — 18.2km return
Araucaria lookout — 17.8km return
Wagawn — 18km return
Ships Stern circuit — 21km return
Illinbah circuit — 16.6km return
Border Track — 21.4km one way only
Mount Merino track — 21.6km return from Binna Burra,
24km return from Green Mountains
For these walks help may be a few hours away and there may
be no mobile phone coverage. Leaders may need to have First
Aid skills.
For the Experienced Leader
With a topographic map and navigational skills with map and
compass (+/- GPS) there is no limit to the amount of walking
available in the outdoors.
The Club has quite a few resources available for these leaders
such as topographic maps, old maps dating back to 1961 which
show now disused walking tracks, books and brochures.
Also experienced leaders are happy to pass on their knowledge.
For these walks help may be several hours away. A PLB may be
necessary for the more remote walks.
A First Aid Certificate plus extensive bush skills are advisable.
 Past Walks Northbrook Mt. and Eagles Nest 17th October 2010
A group of eight walkers met at Maiala on a fine sunny, 8 degree
Girraween Base Camp 15-17 October 2010
morning before car pooling the short distance to the start of the
The Goomburra basecamp weekend planned for this weekend walk at Lawton Road.
had to be cancelled as there had been a treefall which
An easy walk downhill brought us to the foot of Northbrook Mt.,
prevented access by cars to some of the walks. So instead of
then up we went. The off track ascent was steep and after an
Goomburra, Girraween was made the alternative.
hour we reached a rocky outcrop with fantastic clear views of
Eight members drove down to Girraween on the Friday. The Main Range & part of Wivenhoe Dam.
However I had other commitments and drove down on the
Saturday morning. I could see that there had been recent rainfall
but when I got there I was informed that it had bucketed down
that night with some tents in the camping area blown over and
others had leaked with sleeping bags wet.
After some preparations we were ready to start our day walk to
Mt Norman. There was a cold breeze blowing so we were glad
for the activity. We began along the Mt Norman trail and near
the Turtle Rock turnoff we spent some time exploring some
boulder caves.
Mt Norman at 1267 metres is the highest point in Girraween
National Park. The track to it is a well maintained graded track
which occasionally passes under and through some large
boulders. As we approached the mountain we passed by the
Eye of the Needle, a formation of two balancing rocks on Mount
Norman's northern face. Northbrook Mountain Walkers
Walking along the rocky ridge gaining more height we passed
many native orchids growing on rocks, hoya vine, ground cover
in flower and ferns.
Descending we rejoined the forest road and then followed a side
track to Eagles Nest. An ideal spot for lunch with good views of
Northbrook Gorge. The return journey back to the cars was all
uphill along the forestry road.
Our stop for coffee at Lifestyle Garden Nursery at Samford was
very relaxing. The Cafe had a variety of cakes and drinks and a
wonderful gift shop.
I would like to thank Azra, Margaret, John, Pamela, Helen, Nev
and Bruce for a great day. Noelene

Tunbubudla Daywalk 24 October 2010

Mt Tunbubudla, also known as the Twins is one of the minor
Peaks of the Glasshouse Mountains. It has two distinct peaks
On the Summit of Mt Norman separated by a saddle; East Peak at 338 metres and West
There is no official track to the actual top of Mt Norman but it is Peak, 296 metres. They have been climbed singly in the past by
possible to scramble to the top with some rock climbing skills Club members but not both together on the one walk.
and a bit of agility. First you need to get up and over a rock step,
then squeeze your way up and through a narrow split in a rock
gully and then leap over a minor chasm to finally get to the
summit.
Only five out of the nine walkers attempted it but it was well
worth it with 360 degree views of the surrounding granite
country. There were views to Bald Rock in NSW plus we could
see South and West Bald Rocks. The cold wind though
prevented us staying longer. Up on the summit I spotted a lizard
with an unusual growth on its back.
On the way down from the summit we used a rope to help us
over the rock step. Dave though still had a bit of a slip and
ended up with a graze on his leg. All of us then had lunch
sheltered between the rocks from the cold wind.
On the return walk we spent some time exploring the area
behind the Eye of the Needle. Here there were high narrow
splits in the granite mass which could keep a person busy for The Tunbubudla Amigos
half a day examining each nook and cranny. There were only three other members, Ken, Murray and Steve
Back at camp we prepared for dinner round the fireplace trying who came along to do the walk. After meeting up in Beerburrum
to keep warm. A couple of our members had brought wood for township, we drove in the one car the short distance to
the fire and it was most welcome. Later that night John Shera Tunbubudla and parked the car on the side of the dirt road near
showed us some slides. the northern ridge of East Peak.
The next morning and it was much warmer with blue skies. This northern ridge gives relatively easy access to East Peak.
While the others were going to do a short walk and then pack up Though there is no track as such, it was relatively easy to follow
and leave, I decided to stay on another couple of days and do the ridge up. It was a hot day and the climb was steep with lots
some other walks while the going was good. of undergrowth where it was difficult to see your footing. Along
the way we had views to the north of the other Glasshouse
Many thanks to Dave for organising the weekend. Richard
mountains and the surrounding countryside.

Page 4 of 8
After about 40 minutes we were at the summit of East Peak
which was marked by a rock cairn and sat in the shade to catch
our breath. After a drink and some snacks we made our way
westward and downward to the saddle. The terrain here was
steeper with loose rocks and potholes covered over by grass. At
the saddle it was again time for a rest before going up the West
Peak.
About one third of the way up we came to a cliffline. Contouring
round to the south we were able to scrambled up the cliff. It was
now a more gentle walk to the summit which was also marked
by a rock cairn. Here we had an early lunch. The descent from
West Peak was made easy by a taped trail which led us down to
a dirt road. Along the way were some wild hibiscus in bloom.
On reaching the dirt road it was a 1 ½ kilometre walk back to the
cars. We had our afternoon tea at a friendly Beerburrum general
store. Many thanks to my three companions for coming along.
Richard
Northbrook Gorge 30 October 2010
Northbrook Gorge in D'Aguilar National Park is a favourite walk
in summer as it has at least 3 compulsory swims to get through
the gorge. Kerry had done the walk earlier in the year for some
school children and now led a group of eleven adult
bushwalkers, though by the noise and exuberance, we must
have been as bad as the kids.
We all met up at Maiala and then drove to Northbrook Outlook.
There was a car shuttle to leave some cars down further along
the Northbrook Parkway where we would exit from the creek.
We were all prepared as we had waterproof bags for our
belongings plus shoes and clothes we didn't mind swimming in.
There was a faint dirt track from the outlook leading down to a
creek gully. It was steep, wet and slippery in places and so we
all took care. Initially the side creek was dry but then further
down there were cascades and small waterfalls to negotiate.
This side creek was very picturesque with tall palms and tropical
vegetation on both sides. Some of the small waterfalls were
tricky to get down but we all managed without a rope, though
Kerry had brought some along.
We had morning tea when we reached the junction of the side
creek and Northbrook Creek. From here the walk down
Northbrook Creek was a much more gentle one with some deep
pools but no waterfalls or cascades.
Ken Managed to keep his Camera Dry
We reached the first of the compulsory swim throughs and
decided to have lunch first. It was pleasant sitting in the sun
feeling the warmth. After we all insured the gear in our day
packs would stay dry we entered the water. There were quite a
few gasps of breath as we entered the cold water. We swam
through the first pool while Ken tried to keep his camera above
the water to take photos.
There were a few more pools to swim through further down. One
of them involved going through a small waterfall and then sliding
down a rock. For some it was their first experience of a “wet”
bushwalk involving swimming but all thoroughly enjoyed it.
We finally got to the exit point in the creek and everyone walked
Page 5 of 8
up the short steep ridge out of the creek briskly to get to the cars
for some dry warm clothes.
We had afternoon tea at Mt Glorious to relax and warm up with
a coffee. Many thanks to Kerry for putting on the walk. Richard
Enoggera Reservoir 31 October 2010
Our group of 7 people, including 2 newcomers, met at
Walkabout Creek on a fine day.
The Araucaria track took us around the shoreline of Enoggera
Reservoir. Half way around we sat on a log with a good view of
the dam wall. The track then looped back on itself, taking us
back to the car park.
Enoggera Reservoir
Highlights were, the water lilies covering most of the shallow
parts of the reservoir, the reflections in the water and a person
who shall remain nameless breaking the log that we were all
sitting on.
At the end of the walk we all checked out the renovations of
Brisbane Forest Park HQ and watched a slide show of N.P's in
Qld. To finish the day we all enjoyed coffee beside the bird
aviary.
Many thanks to Margaret, Nev, John, Julie, Jim and Neil for
coming on this short walk. Noelene
PLB Info
An email was sent by John Hinton asking the manufacturer of
our PLBs, GME, the cost of replacing batteries. The batteries in
the PLBs supplied by QBW will not need replacing till February
2016. Their reply was:
“If a beacon is activated for correct reasons, after all other
communication methods have been exhausted and the owner is
in grave and imminent danger and a rescue is initiated by
AMSA, then GME will replace the beacon free of charge.
Just contact your closest branch with details of the rescue and
confirmation from AMSA. Also if possible we would like the
activated beacon back and we will do the rest.
Should a beacon be activated accidentally and you are
concerned about the battery life then we will offer a replacement
at a reduced price. The price at the moment is $413 inc GST.”
Also GME was asked about the performance of the PLBs in
tropical rainforest.. Their reply:
“Thanks for your enquiry. Tests have not been carried out in the
rain forests of tropical Queensland. However, we do know that
heavy tree foliage will impede both the VHF and UHF
transmission signal getting to the open.
If the tree canopy is wet this will further reduce the amount of
signal getting out. Also note that the GPS signal being received
by the PLB will be dramatically reduced by a heavy wet tree
canopy.
For best results a PLB should be activated where it has direct
line of sight with the sky, and also from the highest ground
available.”
The Club has 5 PLBs which are available to Club members.
 Federation Peak The fourth day was a very strenuous one as we had to get round
some razor back ridges called the Four Peaks. This involved
Federation Peak in Tasmania is an impressive looking peak and occasionally lowering our packs by rope down steep gullies and
one of the hardest to climb. Not only do you need stamina and a then climbing back up to the ridge line again. Progress was slow
head for heights, you also need the weather to be on your side. but we were rewarded with views of some beautiful lakes below
The peak is located in the Eastern Arthur Range in the heart of us, snuggled in by cliff walls.
the South West National Park and experiences some of the
Our camp site that night was at Hanging Lake which also had
worst weather that Tasmania can offer.
tent platforms. It was a spectacular spot for scenery plus an
John Lane, a QBW member had attempted this walk a couple of ideal place to begin our climb up Federation the next day.
times before but had not been successful in getting to the top.
The following day was bleak, with overcast skies threatening
He organised this walk in 2009 with 6 participants, two others
rain. Cloud and mist swirled round us as we began the climb up
from QBW, Linda Hellmuth and myself, plus three of his friends,
the vertical sides of Federation Peak. We zigzagged up the
one from England, one from Melbourne and another living in
cliffs, scrambling up onto small ledges which gave precarious
Hobart.
hand and foot holds.
All six of us met up in Hobart and stayed a night at the home of
the Hobart member. We drove the next day to Scotts Peak Dam
by private vehicle and then began our epic 9 day throughwalk.
There would be 4 days walking to Federation Peak, one day to
climb the peak and then 4 days to walk out.
The first two days were sunny and mostly flat as we were on the
Arthurs Plains. We did encounter some horrendous mudholes in
which you could sink down to your knees if not careful. On the
plains we had great views out to the Western Arthurs, a
mountain range with steep cliffs that had been heavily glaciated
in the past. Our first two campsites were near creeks and we left
some supplies at the second camp to pick up on our return.

Scaling the Peak

At about lunch time it began to rain and we were dog tired.
There was another steep section to climb but we were at the
end of our strength. John went ahead, climbed up the steep
section and a few minutes later called out that the summit was
only 10 minutes away. We all found our last reserves of strength
and got up that last steep bit. A sense of elation came upon us
as we walked on the summit.
Though some may say that we had conquered the mountain, in
reality the mountain and the weather had relented in allowing us
to reach the top. We spent some time admiring the scenery and
taking photos.
Federation Peak
The third day was a long walk up Luckmans Lead, a ridge with
over a 1000 metre altitude gain to get us on the Eastern Arthurs
Range. Up on the range we had our first view of Federation
Peak in the distance. It looked impossible to climb as it was
totally surrounded by cliffs, some up to 600 metres high.
It began to rain that day and we were happy when we finally
reached our camp site. It was situated on a ridge and had
wooden platforms to erect your tents on to help minimise the
damage to this fragile area.

One of the Beautiful Lakes up in the Eastern Arthurs
On the Summit
For the climb down we used a rope on the steep section and
with a sense of relief we all returned to our campsite safe though
a bit wet and cold.
As if to show us how lucky we had been, the next two days were
filled with rain, sleet and a bit of snow as we made our way back
to Scotts Peak Dam.
This was one of the hardest through walks I had ever done but it
left me with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.
My deepest thanks to John for allowing me to come along and
share this experience. Richard Kolarski

Page 6 of 8
 Entering Heaven
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must
each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into
heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You
may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said,
"You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolise?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
Let's Drink to Ireland
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if
he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!
Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you
from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did
you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint
Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at
the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are
drunk again."
Shorts
How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Juan.
Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Control freak.
Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?"
What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?
Carrot!
What's Brown And Sticky?
A Stick.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Two atoms are leaving a bar, when one realises that he left his
electrons back in the bar.
His friend asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," he replies. "I'm positive!"
A proton, neutron, and electron went out to dinner one night.
After a luxurious meal, the waiter brought the check to the
proton and the electron. The neutron was perplexed as to why
the waiter didn't bring him his check. So, he summoned the
waiter to the table and asked him about it. The waiter explained
to the neutron, "For you, there's no charge!"
What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium
Page 7 of 8
Pirated Jokes
Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It's rated "Arrrrrrr!"
What do software pirates say?
"CD-ARRR!"
How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook?
An arm and a leg
What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the
freezer?
Shiver me timbers!
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C!
What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?
Arrr! Me heartie!
Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck!
How many pirate jokes are lame?
Most of them ARR!
A guy leaves town to become a pirate and comes back after a
few years on the high seas. He runs into an old buddy of his on
the street, and they start to chat:
"Hey, I hear you're a pirate now! I see you've got a hook for an
arm. What happened?"
"Well, we were sailing with a hold full of treasure and another
pirate ship attacked us and took the gold! One of 'em cut off me
hand with his cutlass!"
"That's terrible! I'm so sorry! I see you have an eyepatch, too.
What happened?"
"Well, I was up in the crow's nest as a lookout and a seagull
spat in me eye!"
"Oh, no! But why do you need an eyepatch for that?"
"Arr, well, I wasn't used to me hook yet."
Why Teachers Need Holidays
What is a nitrate?
Much cheaper than a day rate
What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in
common?
Unusual names.
Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Learning to speak Latin.
Name one measure which can be put in place to avoid river
flooding in times of extensive rainfall.
Flooding may be avoided by placing a number of big dames into
the river.
Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.
Two polar bears and four seals.
Name the wife of Orpheus whom he attempted to save from the
underworld.
Mrs Orpheus.
Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What happens during puberty to a boy?
He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery.
What is the meaning of the word 'varicose'?
Close by.
What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
Mariah Carey.
Explain the phrase 'free press'.
When your mum irons trousers for you.
Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand-alone
system. What is a stand-alone computer?
It doesn't come with a chair.
Steve is driving his car. He is travelling at 60 feet/second and
the speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve Speeding?
He could find out by checking his speedometer.
 Autoantonyms: Their Own Opposites
Sure, everybody's heard of oxymorons, phrases which
contradict themselves, like military intelligence, jumbo shrimp,
political ethics etc.,.but there are plenty of words in English, that
are their own opposites.
cleave to cut apart or stick together
clip to cut apart or join together
custom ordinary or made-to-order
dust remove fine particles or cover with fine particles
fast unmoving or quick
model prototype or imitation
overlook to look over or to refuse or fail to see
oversight keeping tabs on something or making a mistake
peer a person of equal rank or a noble
prove to test or to demonstrate
quantum very small but discrete or very large
resign to quit or to sign up again
sanction to forbid or to allow
scan to examine closely or to glance at quickly
skin to cover with skin or to remove the skin
splice to slice apart or to fasten together
strike to hit or to miss (in baseball)
temper fury or to calm by mixing
trim to cut things off or to add extra bits on
unravel to come apart or to disentangle
Cars and Computers
At a computer exposition Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General
Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release
stating "If General Motors had developed technology like
Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics:-
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of
the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows
before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply
accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in
which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but
would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault"
warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before
deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted
the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio
antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have
to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Page 8 of 8
What I've Learned
I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly
person.
That when you're in love, it shows.
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!"
makes my day.
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most
peaceful feelings in the world.
That being kind is more important than being right.
That you should never say "no" to a gift from a child.
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the
strength to help him in some other way.
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be,
everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart
to understand.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer
nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask
for.
That money doesn't buy class.
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so
spectacular.
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be
appreciated and loved.
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I
can?
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only
letting that person continue to hurt you.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround
myself with people smarter than I am.
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and
feeling their breath on your cheeks.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones
you miss.
That when you harbour bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more
time before he passed away.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because
tomorrow he may have to eat them.
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about
it.
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his
little fist, that you're hooked for life.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the
happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it
is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get
done.
From Live and Learn and Pass It On.