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Appendix I

THE NIECE-WIFE

Eugene Ionesco (1953) translated by

RICHARD N. COE

THE VISCOUNT THE VISCOUNTESS THE BARON LAWYER PARBOIL JACQUES, the Footman

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THE VISCOUNT. Ah, what sumptuous sunshinel Oh, what a mellifluous morning! Has her Vice-Highness awakened?

THE FOOTMAN. Indeed, your Vice-Countship, she approaches.

Exit FOOTMAN.

'fIlE VISCOUNT. Behold her Vice-Nicenessl Good morrow, sweet Vice-Wife. Did you sleep well? Did you dream miraculous dreams?

IONESCO

Enter FOOTMAN.

THE FOOTMAN. Your Vice-Lordship, it's your friend, Lawyer Parboil, as wants a word with you.

THE VISCOUNT. Couldn't have come at a better moment! The shrewdest lawyer hatched this season! We'll get his opinion.

THE VISCOUNTESS. Yippee! (Filled with delight, she dances around the room, clapping her hands.)

THE BARON AND THE VISCOUNT ••.••• !! (They contemplate her in astonishment)

THE VISCOUNT (to the VISCOUNTESS). No, no, no! Thatwon'tdo at all. As things stand, it's essential that you should look worried ••• (To FOOTMAN.) Show the gentleman in!

Enter LAWYER PARBOIL

THE VISCOUNT. My dear quibbler and scribbler, delighted to see

you! Allow me to introduce my niece!

THE VISCOUNTESS (curtseys and blows kisses).

LAWYER PARBOIL. B ... b ..• b ... b ... but! She's your wife!

THE BARON. He is determined to make her his niece. I've told him that he must inevitably incur the sanctions of the law!

LAWYER PARBOIL. Er •.. no. Not as a matter of principle. In the eyes of the law, it is perfectly admissible for the san.;-e individual to be both an uncle and a nephew, an aunt and a niece, an uncle and an aunt a father and a mother, so why not, equally simultaneously and equally legally, a WIfe and a niece?

THE VISCOUNT. Phew! What a relief! Dear friend of mine, dear lawyer-of-my-heart, you've hit the nail on the head, you've no

idea how deeply your words affect me. . . .

LAWYER PARBOIL. Not so fast, not so fast! \Ve'll have to scrutinise the implications •.. it's not so free, you see .•• nor S0 easy •.. cross-philonepotism i~ decidedly :rn-.,". Th~ law embodies innumerable sub-provisos, from which, m toto, It may be deduced that every individual case entails exceptional rulings. There you have the celebrated fundamental principle, viz., that the Law incarnates the universal, while each case falls to 111

competence of the particular. . .

THE BARON. With all due respect, my dear quibbler-and-scribbl j'!

I too have been called to the Bar!

APPENDIX

THE VISCOUNTESS. Bar-crawler! I bet you got called there on purpose!

THE BARON (aside, to the NIECE). That's none of your barbusiness! (Aloud.) If an uncle marries his niece, that constitutes incest ...

THE VISCOUNTESS. He's only playing with words.

THE BARON. And incest, if I recall aright, is deemed a felonious contravention of the Law.

LA WYER PARBOIL. The Law esteems itself feloniously contravened, only in cases where one at least of the partners to the incest is found to be demonstrably unconsenting. Where you have two consenting partners ••. as you have here, if I am not mistaken ...

THE VISCOUNTESS. I'll say we're consenting! THE VISCOUNT. Indubitably!

LA WYER PARBOIL. Well then, so long as both partners are

consenting, there is no infringement of the law.

THE VISCOUNT. Ah!

THE VISCOUNTESS. Ah! Ah! (She claps her hands.)

THE BAR 0 N. None the less, my dear Parboil- forgive my insistence - in the actual case under discussion there is a very clear objection.

THE VISCOUNT. I beg your leave to disagree totally, my dear Baron.

THE BARON. My dear Viscount, you are well aware that I respect and honour every nuance of opinion ... and even such as contradict my own. I have made no secret of the fact that my personal cogitations diverge quite categorically from yours •••

THE VISCOUNT. A most unfortunate circumstance ..• For my arguments, I assure you, could hardly be more weighty .•• THE BARON. Hardly more weighty than mine .•• Do I understand you to be saying •.•

THE VISCOUNT. You understand me to be saying nothing, I'll take good care of that ... My good friend, you misconstrue me! Come, come! An end to these misunderstandings between us.

'1' H E BAR 0 N. No offence meant, dear Viscount, and none taken.

Don't worry about that. Don't worry in the least! (To LA WYER PARBOIL.) The point is, they are already married ..• an uncle,

IONESCO

I agree, 111q)1 marry his niece, but only on condition. that he should not already be her husband ... For if he 1S, then flagrantly he lays himself open to a charge of bigan:isn;-, and bigamism is a felony subject to the severest penalties m the Statute-Book.

LA,WYER PARBOIL. Nevertheless, case-law does furnish a precedent allowing precisely for this eventuality. I WOUld. refer you to the Law Reports, Article L. Double-Oy'w.C.», Reg:na v. Flushwater, wherein provision is made, see footnotes, for mt,raconjugal adoption, alluded to elsewhere as nuptio-a~optl:e conjugation, whereby the act of a husband who makes his wife his adopted niece is legally condoned.

THE BARON. Then there's a flaw in the law!

LA WYER PARBOIL. Not ex-actly. It looks like it, but it isn't. It's not the same thing, not quite. It's what we lawyers call a false or forged flaw. I myself have composed a monograph - which.is on the way to becoming a standard textbook on th~ subject>expounding the theory of false or forged flaws, both m our own common-law tradition, and in International Law.

THE BARON. But, then •.• if it's a forged flaw, both man and wife can be prosecuted for forgery.

LAWYER PARBOIL. I suppose so, if you really wanted to m~ke an issue of it. In practice, though, the Courts tend to tur~ a blind eye in that direction. Particularly, of course, when their Lordships happen to be asleep.

THE BARON. I'll find ways and means to wake them up, you bet I

will! Because I intend to bring an action.

THE VISCOUNT. And what do you stand to gain by that? THE BARON. That's my business!

THE VISCOUNTESS. I know, I know ... he told me ... he's

jealous. He desires carnal possession of me.

THE BARON. That's a fact. And between niece and uncle, no carnal separation is legally permissible.

LAWYER PARBOIL. That's a fact. The law makes no provision.

for it.

THE VISCOUNT. Well, what do you expect me to do about it?

LA WYER PARBOIL. That is an obstacle which can be circamvented. (To the BARON.) You, sir, are entitled formally to aE·

APPENDIX

proach the Viscount and formally to request the hand of the Vice-Countessjand, inasmuch as he is both her uncle and her legal guardian, the Viscount has, of course, a right to grant it.

THE BARON. Only her hand? That won't get us very far!

LA WYER PARBOIL. Patience, patience! Subsequently, as man and wife, they may proceed to the act of carnal separation.

THE BARON. Sounds complicated to me.

THE VISCOUNT. Sounds impossible ... In practice, it would result in the annulment of the nuptio-adoptive conjugation.

THE VISCOUNTESS. In practice, my dear, yes - but perhaps not in the eye of the law?

LA WYER PARBOIL. Correct indeed. In the eye of the law - no. THE ViSCOUNT. In your opinion, then, I should retain all

customary rights over the woman ...

LAWYER PARBOIL. Over the Vice-Countess? Of course. THE BARON. Empirically, she shall be mine!

LAWYER PARBOIL. Empirically ... but nothing more! None the less, you stand to gain in that you may empirically exercise imperative imperium over her imperfection.

THE BAR 0 N. Whoopee! I shall emphatically exercise same. THE VISCOUNT. For worser or for best.

THE BARON. Done!

LA WYER PARBOIL. I am delighted to find such a measure of agreement among all parties ... an out-of-court settlement is so infinitely preferable to an interminable lawsuit.

THE VISCOUNTESS. SO now we can all kiss and make friends!

Mutual embraces all round.

LAWYER PARBOIL. And now nothing remains but to fulfil the prereq uisi tes . . .

THE VISCOUNT (calls the FOOTMAN). Where's my Footman?

Jacques!

Enter FOOTMAN.

THE FOOTMAN. Sir?

THE VISCOUNT. Fulfil the prerequisites!

THE FOOTMAN. They're already filled full, sir! To the brim, sir! 'I'HE VISCOUNT. Well then, empty them out and fill them full

again!

Yr. R.N.C.

IONESCO

THE FOOTMAN. We're running short of them, your Lordship. THE VISCOUNTESS. Oh, use your nous, fellow!

THE FOOTMAN. Very good, sir. I'll get in touch with the man from the Army-and-Navy Stores, sir .•.