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The Lament of the Wife and the Duty of the

Husband concerning Love and Sex.

Mike Jeshurun

Not long ago I wrote a short article titled- ‘The Duty of Sex’! It is an
article reminding us of the moral obligation of sex in the marriage union,
and what the Scripture has to say about it.
In response to this article a lady wrote this response –
“Husbands need to dwell with their wives in an understanding way. It would
be helpful if the husbands could see what the wife is going through on a daily
basis with her many responsibilities needing her attention. She is often "on
call" around the clock, seven days a week.

She often has perhaps a dozen things running through her mind that need
her attention, particularly if she has young children. Sex may not be a
priority on this list because of various reasons, such as, time contraints,
fatigue, where she is in her cycle, hormonal changes, health problems,
another priority that is pressing, worries about family members, etc., etc.

She is the nurterer and caretaker of the family, immediate and extended,
and this is a stressful job. If she has outside work, as well, there is even
more stress.

In a nutshell, a wife/mother is a finite being who seems to have infinte

subtractions from herself, as she is called upon to give, give, give.

So, here are suggesions for any husband who truly loves his wife and has a
physical need for more marital relations.

1. Enter into her world and understand her stresses. Listen to her and find
out the biggest ones. She has a need to talk it out. You may not be able to
fix the problem, but you can sure listen to her. And that is actually helping
to fix the problem. Listen.

2. Help her do a pressing job. Sometimes a dirty house is such a burden.

Help ease her burden, so that she can relax and think about "something

3. Take your time. Don't rush.

4. Don't be selfish. Make sure you are satisfying her.

Hope this helps”.

Methinks this lady truly has something to say and her point is a valid
As human beings it is so easy to remind others of their duty while
forgetting our own. We men who are griping that our wives are being
unfaithful to the ‘duty of sex’ have to ask ourselves how faithful we
have been in doing the duties of a Christian Husband! Have we forgotten
that on that memorable wedding day when we took that oath before God
and men that we would from that day forward promise to not just ‘have
and to hold’ but ‘to share, love and cherish’ our spouse till death do us
part! Now this is a serious oath and not to be taken lightly. “When thou
vowest a vow unto (before) God, defer not to pay it; for He hath no
pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed. Better is it that thou
shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay”. [Ecc

Now when my wife is slogging over the kitchen sink with all those dirty
dishes and I am slouched on the couch munching popcorn watching my
favorite ballgame, can I honestly say that I am being loving and sharing
as I promised I would? Or the baby is screaming his head off to be
picked up and my wife is stuck in the bathroom and here I am ‘laboring
in the Word and in the doctrine’ rebuking the devil who is trying to
distract me; have I even got my discernment right?! Brethren these
things ought not to be so! The Apostle says that when we see a need
which we can respond to and do not, but rather shut up our bowels of
compassion from those in need (including our wives), how dwelleth the
love of God in us?! Oh let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in
deed and in truth”! [1Jn 3:17,18]

When was the last time we sat and truly listened to our wives? Trust me,
it takes a conscious effort to do this, because most of us are so full of
ourselves and know it all and have no regard or concern about what the
wife may be going through. Where would the need be for her to go to a
physiatrist and share her heart when I am right in the home with the right
Scriptural solutions for whatever she may be going through. It must be
admitted that many of us have failed in our duties to love, share and
cherish as we once promised we would.

An Uncaring Husband no excuse to disobey God!

But what about the wife who is stuck with such an uncaring husband?
Does it free her from the ‘duty of sex’? Is she justified in vengefully
withdrawing herself and retreating to sleep alone on the couch when he
makes advances at her? Not if she claims to be a Christian! The Master
said – “If ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? For sinners
also love those that love them. And if ye do good to them which do good
to you, what thank have ye? For sinners also do even the same. But do
good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great,
and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for HE is kind unto the
unthankful and to the evil”. [Luke 6:32-35]

Yes sex is definitely not everything in a marriage and may not even be a
‘priority’ on the wife’s list. But it sure is a major factor and if not
handled properly can cause serious problems and at times even end up
breaking the marriage. Sex is important to a man, even a ‘spirit filled’
Christian man. Both the man behind the pulpit who is expounding on the
‘Seventy Weeks of Daniel’ and the man in the pew who does not know
John 3:16, both have the same sexual need and go through the same
sexual trials everyday. And if single, they do their best to resist these
lusts of the flesh and the eyes, hoping and praying that God would
someday (soon) send a ‘God–fearing’ woman whom they can marry and
who will also satisfy their sexual need.

In many eastern countries where ‘arranged marriages’ are popular the

‘groom to be’ will desire to see in person the proposed bride or at least a
photograph of her before he gives his consent. And when I say
photograph, I mean a full size photo of the bride from head to toe.
Because for many, just a cute face is not enough, she must be a fully
developed girl. “We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what
shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for”?
[Song of Sol 8:8].

Now the girls too are aware of this. And many unsaved girls do not think
twice before consulting quacks who promise ‘breast-enlargement’ with
or without implants! And all this to attract the man of their dreams.
Which only goes to show, what an important part sex has in a marriage.
The Bible too without making light of the man’s sexual need,
admonishes him to wait till marriage and then satisfy that need. “Let thy
fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as
the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all
times; and be thou ravished always with her love. And why wilt thou,
my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a
stranger”? [Prov 5:18-20]

It is a known and admitted fact that an unyielding selfish wife will make
her deprived husband a prey to temptation. And if nothing else, it will
make him fully bitter against his wife. [Col 3:19]. Do not give your
husband occasion to once again repeat the words of his first father- “The
woman whom Thou gavest to be with me, caused me to sin”! [Gen
3:12] Now the Apostle warns us that no should not put a stumbling
block or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way [Rom 14:13]. So it is a
serious thing to withhold yourself when the Bible clearly forbids you to
do so. [see 1Cor 7:1-5].

God’s Grace sufficient for the unfortunate married man

Now if you are a born again Christian married man who has a frigid wife
or an unyielding selfish one, pray for more grace to accept what God
has allowed in your life. Truly His grace is sufficient to see you through
anything, even a life deprived of sex! God may be testing you to see how
much you really love Him. Whether you are single, divorced or stuck
with a wife who has no interest in sex, lusting after other women
whether they be married or single; or delighting in Pornography even if
it be an occasional fling is SIN and will break your fellowship with the
Lord and render you useless for His work!

Pray for grace to imitate Christ in His marriage to His bride. You are the
bride of Christ, and how many times have you withheld yourself and not
given Him your all? Did He ever get bitter with you or stop loving you.
And the Scripture admonishes you to “love your wives, even as Christ
also loved the church, and gave himself for it”! [Eph 5:25] ‘Even as the
Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to
give His life a ransom for many’. [Mat 20:28] Finally, remember
President J.F.K’s famous quote- “"Ask not, what your country can do for
you. Ask what, you can do for your country." And in the same vein ask
not, what your wife can do for you; but what you can do for your
beloved wife!