BY KAT H RY N D R U RY WAG N E R
AFTERTHOUGHTS
Mutants in My Kitchen
If you fought back an urge to swat this page, you are not alone.
I’VE HAD ROACHES ON MY MIND LATELY.
Well, on my kitchen counter, actually,
and in my toaster, which they utilize
as a chrome high-rise. This morning, I
stepped out of the kitchen for a few
minutes and came back to find a
roach lapping delicately at a droplet of
milk, like some miniature brown kit-
ten. I’m a neat freak who keeps a
Clorox wipe tucked behind my ear, so
I figure the biweekly roach spotting is
just part of subtropical life. When you
open a drawer and find an insect
cozied up to your spatula—it’s kind
of like the prize in Cracker Jacks, only
with more adrenaline.
The worst sighting was—but of
course—when my mother was visiting.
When we got to the apartment, there
was a serious roach kegger in full
swing. There must have been at least
10 of the little revelers, and I was mor-
tified. I was running around screaming
with a roll of paper towels. The roach-
es were dropping their tiny plastic cups
and shrieking, “You said they’d be
home late!” Mom, though, was a ninja,
calmly squashing the buggers one by
one. “You have to hit where they’re
going to be, not where they are,” she
intoned. Well, thank you, Pat Morita.
According to Julian Yates, Ph.D., a
specialist in urban pest management
at the University of Hawai‘i at
Mänoa, the Islands are plentifully
blessed with Blattella germanica (the
smaller kind, also known as the
German cockroach. That’s why they
are always on time and can’t resist a
nice schnitzel.) Researchers at the
University of Florida claim that the
German cockroach is found through-
out the world, but only where there
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managing editor
are humans. Aw. They need us! Kinda
makes you feel bad for them. No? I
didn’t think so.
You may also see the parakeet-
size variety, Periplaneta americana
(called the American cockroach, natch.
Supersize me!) University of Florida’s
researchers report that P. americana
prefers eating sweets, but will also hap-
pily consume paper, boots, hair, book
bindings, fish, peanuts, old rice and
putrid sake. Um, putrid sake? Who has
that lying around the house?
“I don’t get as many calls on
roaches as I used to,” sighs Yates. “I
think there are better control meth-
ods.” His advice? “Wipe breadcrumbs
off the counter and run your garbage
disposal every night to flush out any
food. Roaches need food and a source
of water, and they can find that easily
in a kitchen.”
“They’re kind of a nemesis here in
the Islands,” muses P. J. Neri, who
penned Hawai‘i Chillers No.6: Killer
Cockroaches. The roaches in her book
have mutated due to a pesticide. Now
six feet tall, they hunker down in a sugar
mill and plot to take over the world.
Why does this not seem implausible?
“I had so much fun writing that
book,” she says. “Did you know that
their nervous system isn’t just located in
PHOTO: HAWAIIAN DESIGN ELEMENTS
their head? If you squish their head, the
body can crawl around for seven days.
They’ll only die because they don’t have
a mouth to drink water anymore.”
Let’s review: Roaches survive
nuclear war, eat boots for fun and can
hang out without a head. They must be
mutants already. But don’t worry,
laughs Neri. We have a secret weapon.
“That’s why we invented slippahs.”
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